Coffee Convos with Kail Lowry and Lindsie Chrisley - 179: What Used To Be, Setting Boundaries, and Doing What's Best

Episode Date: September 16, 2021

On this week's episode, Kail and Lindsie get real about letting go when you move out of a house. It can be sad to think about all of the time spent there and what that space used to mean. Lindsie talks about her emotions as the house she used to live in was finally sold. And when people get divorced it can be tricky to set boundaries and to know what's right, especially for the kids. Kail and Lindsie talk about their own relationships and their worries about how it might affect their children. And as parents we always want to do what is best for our kids, but at the end of the day we can never be sure. Sometimes it's just a matter of doing what you think is best at the time. This episode was sponsored by: KiwiCo, Apostrophe, & Chime Music by Nathaniel Wyvern. Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License. 

Good morning, coffee combos listeners. Kale, you sound like you have a sore throat. I was yelling yesterday. Oh, at who? I wasn't yelling at anyone. I was yelling to my kids while Lincoln specifically because of the football game on Saturday. Oh, I guess it was Saturday. Oh, so you were cheering? I was, yes, but also yelling because I get very animated at my son's football games. Yeah, you sound like it.

Well, I'm not been having the greatest of mornings. I am a bit emotional and I'm also eating oatmeal. So good morning, fam. Good morning, everyone. I went to the closing for my old house this morning at nine o'clock. Oh, how do you feel? You're not feeling great? No. When you text me, I was like, oh my God, like, I just wanted to tell you that I was so sad, but then I wanted to save it to talk about on here because I didn't want you to have to hear it twice. But no, we'll drop the dog off over here this morning. And so I have a furry friend to podcast with today.

Della is joining us and then we went to the closing and I guess he's closing on his new house probably now. So, yeah, well, that was quick. Yeah, it was all of like 45 minutes. I signed the last page that I had to sign and got up and told everyone to have a blessed day and kept my shit moving. So, yeah, it wasn't the most pleasant experience, but I think it was much needed. And I just have conflicted feelings because the agreement when I bought the house that I'm in was that he would hold on to the marital home for a year. And so I don't know if you guys remember, but we had put the house on the market and then took it off. And then once I got my final things out, he decided to relist it and sell pretty much immediately. So it has been an emotional roller coaster, but I feel like it's okay because in hindsight, it's probably for the best

because then I can close like that part of the book. I make sense. I understand everything you're saying. I think Javi just sold our first home together like this year and I bawled my eyes out and we haven't lived there for five years, six years. So I completely understand what you're saying. It's weird because it's just like confirming that those chapters or that timing, that chapter is over and sitting with that, it's uncomfortable. It's not fun. No. And it is, it's like a closing of a chapter and I'll never go back there.

And so that part is really sad. I took Jackson over there yesterday to say goodbyes and it was just really sad. We lived in that house since he was two years old, so just a lot of memories there, good and bad. But I have to be mindful too that I bought a new house and I'm able to start new and fresh here and maybe after I got gone from the other house, he maybe started having some of those same feelings that he didn't. It's hard to kind of start over when you're still living in it, if that makes sense. No, totally, totally. So Javi live in the house that you guys had whenever you were like your first house, did he live there for a long time?

We bought the house together when we moved to Delaware and then when everything occurred, like when we divorced and everything, he stayed there. I'm 99% sure that Brianna went there. And then I know that Lauren lived there for a while and then they did their gender reveal there for Eli. Oh wow. And then they tried to make it work and that was the reason why he sold the house because this year they tried to make it work. And she basically was like that she didn't want anything to do with anything that I was attached to kind of thing. Is the story that I got, let me clarify that, is the story that I got. Which made it even worse, made me feel even worse.

I mean, I get it, but also, also I don't just because of what I do know, there's a lot of things that you're attached to. But with that being said, won't be a Debbie Downer on that situation. However, I was thinking about this and I don't know if anyone who has been through a long term relationship and got out of it or whether it's been divorced or whatever your situation looks like. Did you feel like you needed to move to be able to get over the situation and start the healing process? Or were you able to still live in it and feel okay and to be able to heal from that situation? And then also another weird thing that I've thought about is like our marital bed. Like, is that something that Will eventually gets rid of? I mean, I think he plans to keep it, but it's just, we know how I am.

I have such sentimental attachment to things and maybe some people don't and can like disconnect in that way. But yeah, I just want to know other people's opinions on it because I don't think I could keep the bed and the mattress and like all of the stuff that was like hours, if that makes sense. It's actually weird that you brought that up because I just thought about that the other day. So at the time that Javi and I got divorced, we were renting our first home out to his sister and then we had bought the house that I'm in now. To this day feels like it's something that Javi and I built, we didn't build the house, but we built the home together and still to this day. And that's why I kind of, I needed to get out of that house so bad because of my history with him and then my history with Chris. And so that's why I wanted like a fresh start in Middletown, a separate town, it wasn't too far kind of thing. And then the market was hot and all of the things that went down in that short period of time that year in Middletown, I was like, well, let me go back and I'll build a new one.

I still feel like it is, there's so much, I want to call it like energy from me and Javi and also from me and Chris because I mean Chris and I were together just as long as me and Javi were together. And so all of that energy is still in that house. And it is hard to kind of move on like I personally couldn't understand like how Javi brought Brianna and then brought Lauren into our first marital home like it just feels. And but then also like you can't expect someone to get a new house every single time you end a relationship like that's just not realistic either. So like, I don't know when I think about it, I'm like, I, it just, I don't know, it's a lot and then the bed set that I have now is still the bed set that, you know, I bought with Javi. And so, I mean, it's a different mattress, but I'm not taking any furniture with me to the new house. Like I bought the new kids furniture when we moved to Middletown. So like their bed stuff isn't brand new.

That's the only stuff I'm taking. And I literally want to start fresh. So like whoever I end up with is, you know, it'll be like mine and then they're built into it kind of thing. Right. Yeah, see, that is the nice thing about the house that I'm in now, I already furnished everything and everything like already belongs to me. So I have a sense of personal ownership to that and not joint ownership. And so I don't know. And in the grand scheme of things, it's just things and I know that, but I also attach feelings to things.

And I'm like, oh, I wore that sweatshirt in eighth grade when Clemson won blah, blah, blah. So I can never get rid of it. You know, like what is wrong with me? I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think it's just like, because I went through that too. Like I truly went through like being attached to, like I kept, don't even tell anyone. Well, I'm saying don't tell anyone. And we're telling everyone.

We're telling everyone. I have, this is, Tyrell, I hope you're listening. I have this like scrapbook, I guess, like with like, I don't know, I decorated it when I was in seventh and eighth grade, like this like scrapbook, and I like will not get rid of it. Like I will not get rid of it. And it was my first boyfriend. I didn't like lose my virginity to him or anything, but like, loved him, like couldn't tell me shit, Tyrell. And like the cover is like me and Tyrell and like, I cannot like, I, it's so dumb because it's like, who cares what I was doing in eighth grade? Like who cares about all of like, whatever.

I don't even talk to these people. Like, I mean, I might catch up with them on social media or whatever, but like, I can't get rid of it. And it's like, the fact that the binder, I don't even care about the shit inside of it. The binder itself is from eighth grade and I can't get rid of it. So, but it's in a bin, like I have it in like a big Tupperware thing in my basement, but I get it. Like it's like little dumb shit like that that I'm like, okay, that's that I can't get rid of. And I also feel like moving like, okay, so for example, when we built the house that we literally just sold today, the house before that is where we brought Jackson home to. So obviously there was emotional attachment to that, but I didn't feel as much emotional attachment to that as I do this house.

But I think it's because the circumstances were different. So like this is a like necessity type circumstance, like the house is being sold because we're wrapping up that chapter of our life and we're going our separate ways. So I feel like the emotions wrapped around this situation are just so very different that I'm just having a really hard time with it. And I think I've also underestimated the fact that when I say Will and I have been together for 12 years, it's just something that I say because that's how long we've been together. But not until really today has it sank in to be like, oh, wow, he's been a part of everything of my life since I was 19 years old. Right. And now he's going to live in a house that like I've never, I've never even been to it except yesterday, like the first time I went to yesterday. And then it just feels like, yeah, that connection and I don't want to make you more upset, but like, I still go through that now is like the house that hobby lives in now is like, that was never mine.

So it never did. I don't know how to describe the feeling. Like, um, like, it's so over that like I don't even have like that, like that house was not ours. Does that make sense? Yeah, I don't know if I'm describing. I can't articulate like the way that I'm feeling about it because I, I mean, I've been divorced since 2016. And I still every time I go into his house, I'm like, this is not like it's a whole different hobby. Like it's a whole different. I was going to say that never married to it's weird. Okay, I'm so glad that you also had that feeling because when I went to that house yesterday, I can't even describe whenever I walked in. I was like, wow, this is not the person that I was married to that would have just like made these decisions and settled on this house.

And I, I literally said to him yesterday, I said, who are you? Like, I don't even know. And I don't know if anyone is listening to this that hasn't been through it will understand the level of these emotions. But it's honestly feeling like a stranger in a lot of ways. Yes. Yes. And I know that some people are going to be like, well, you guys got divorced. So what did you think was going to happen? And it's like, yeah, we did decide to get divorced 100%. But also, you can't imagine the emotions that you're going to go through with the divorce and how you're going to feel. And let's be fucking real. Your life is not cut and dry and black and white. Like everyone wants to believe it is like, yeah, it is selfish for me to walk into Harvey's house and feel like, damn, I have nothing to do with this. And this is a whole new person. It is. But at the end of the day, that's how I feel. And that's what that's those are real things, you know what I mean? Like those are real feelings and they're still there. It doesn't make them just because it's selfish or, you know, maybe not what we expected doesn't mean that they're not going to be there.

I'm not going to pretend that they're not there. That's exactly how it feels. And it's again, because I've said it before, not that I wish any of this on you, but it is nice to know that like my feelings are valid in that like other you specifically feel it too. Like, it's hard. It's fucking hard. Yeah. And then I just wonder too, whenever he walks into this house, if he also feels a sense of distance, because none of it was ever his, you know, like, do men also go through that same emotional process or not? Like, I have no idea. We should have Will and Harvey on here and ask them. We should. Like interview our ex-husbands. We should. That would actually be those would be good episodes. That would be those would be a good episode. I think so too. Maybe we should run it by them in a couple of weeks when I've had time for my emotions to settle.

Process. Yeah. Yes. Yes. I agree. All right, let's take a quick break to talk about Kiwico since the kids are back in school. You guys know I rant and rave about Kiwico all the time. Post about them on my social media. My kids use them. I keep them in the house or projects when the kids need a project for school because they literally are so perfect. We all know that the school year this year will be filled with transition. So whether your kids are going back to school or virtually, you guys want to fill their time with good stuff, right? You want them to be using their heads and using their minds and with their help, hands on science and art projects can be delivered directly to your door with Kiwico. These are awesome for science fairs, art classes, and honestly, you'd be surprised how much you love them as an adult. I actually love working on them with the kids, especially for Lux's age. It just it's like nice to connect on their level with a project like these. So you'll be excited. They'll be excited to see these on your arrive in your mail and you'll be surprised at how high quality the materials are too.

These are real engineering science and art projects for the kids and you'll explore new worlds and rediscover familiar ones. I highly recommend trying these out Kiwico is redefining learning with hands on projects that build confidence, creativity and critical thinking skills. There's something for every kid or kid at heart at Kiwico. So get 50% off your first month plus free shipping on any crate line with code coffee at Kiwico.com. That's 50% off your first month at KiwiCo.com promo code coffee. Completely unrelated. No, I Jackson was giving me such a hard time yesterday. And I think it was just because he knew that that was the last day that he would ever go to the other house. And I don't know, I think there was like a lot of emotional stuff going on for us over the weekend. And I finally got him to bed and go to lay down and all of a sudden I start seeing like these lights through my curtains and I'm like, What the hell's that? So I get up and I go and open up the curtains and I live kind of near. I wouldn't say like a main road but like kind of. And because my neighborhood is fairly new like the trees haven't grown up enough to block the view of the road. Yeah, that makes sense. So I mean, I'm behind a gate but I can still see pretty much most of what's going on on the road. So I look out there and literally there's someone walking the line at like nine p.m.

Like multiple cops out there. You can hear them like I lifted up my window because I'm nosy and you can hear them talking out there and someone just like getting a DUI like right out in front of my house but like not in front of my house, you know, Right, right, right. I've never seen someone walk the line in person and I've also never like that's never happened to me so I don't even know what that would like look like or be like outside of a show. That was the first time since I've moved that I was actually scared because I saw the lights like blinking. And I was like, Oh, wow, what do I, what do I do like wills not hear. I don't. Who do I tell like, Oh, I guess myself. And then I kid you not, I go to my front door because I was trying to do something in my office really quick before I went to bed. Since I was up. And I look at my front door and the police are inside my neighborhood and they're going into the houses across the way and I'm like, Okay, or were there ramblers here or something like why are the police inside the neighborhood but there's so much new construction going on in my neighborhood. It just makes me wonder. Did someone come through here and like pilfer stuff and they were out there checking on the construction sites. Like, I have no idea. It was a very strange evening. I'll just say that. Speaking of strange evenings. Do you want to hear about my Saturday night?

I would love to. Okay, so let me preface this by saying, I am not super thrilled about my body, how I look and so I'm already apprehensive to go to events where I have to be dressed up. Okay, so I'm not thrilled. You know, trying on clothes and things like that I RSVPS to a wedding. I'm very excited because I get to see, you know, people that I have, you know, I haven't filmed with anybody for a long time. And one of my favorite camera guys was going to be there and his I think his girlfriend or his wife and things like that and obviously celebrate Chelsea's, you know, former producer getting married like I've known her for years. Right. So super, super fucking excited to go see everybody not thrilled about getting dressed whatever I put this fucking Spanx on it's a thong Spanx right and I've never worn these kind of Spanx and I was not aware of how tight they actually are. So I'm driving three hours to this wedding in my dress because I was now running late so that I will Lincoln had a game. It was so complicated. Lux had a game then Lincoln had a game and so I wasn't going to be able to do like get ready and stuff until after Lincoln's or whatever and so I get do hair makeup dressed whatever and now I'm late I already knew that I was not going to the ceremony I was only going to the reception but I'm running a little late and I forgot the card and so I like Venmo to her my my my monetary gift. I got Kaila the chaos strikes again. I can so things are just not going as planned, but things took a turn even further for the worse and I just never expected it so I'm blasting my music like just like trying to get to the reception on time like even just like somewhere near on time. She's also an hour late though. Yeah. Yes, I was two hours from home and one hour from the venue and I hear my tire pop like I just heard it and in my rear view mirror.

I saw myself go flat and then boom it's on the dashboard like their fixed tire pressure and it literally went from like 30 something all the way to zero within less than a minute so I immediately FaceTime Chelsea and I'm crying because I'm like what do I do like I don't know what to do. And she's like just hang tight like Jen's going to call you which is another former producer. I am on hold with triple a like at this point I'm like okay my tire is in fact flat. And honestly, let me just say that if someone texted me on my wedding day and said that they got a flat tire and they weren't coming I wouldn't believe them like I would think yeah I'm like they probably think that I'm bullshitting and I'm like genuinely stranded in on the turnpike so I text my friend Jamal he's a state trooper and I'm like is it a myth if I call the police like they'll come help me because I guess suburban's come with a spare tire in the trunk or whatever and he's like ah he's like some will help you some won't and then he was saying if you're in an actual lane yes they will come out but if you're not they will take forever if they come out at all. I'm like all right let me call triple a call triple a I'm on hold for over 20 minutes and that is not an exaggeration like I literally took pictures of like nine minutes then 15 minutes then 21 minutes seconds just for them to tell me that they are not allowed on the New Jersey turnpike that I have to go through a New Jersey service specifically to like specific to New Jersey. Yes, literally like what am I paying triple a for yeah, I was so mad I was so mad I was like okay are you gonna give me the information so whatever they were actually able to transfer me so shout out to them for transferring me.

The guy comes out he's like where are you and I was like well I'm at marker 45 over five that's all I could see and I don't even know how I knew to use the marker like I feel like I just like saw it in a movie in a movie or something like those green markers are to like help you identify where you are so cool. He actually comes out really quick, and he was like I actually need you to empty your trunk, and I was like for what are you gonna chop me up in pieces and put me back there like I don't understand why I'm emptying out my trunk. I'm crying because I'm like I don't know like not for nothing but like men are scary and I just didn't know like what I was getting myself into I'm. I didn't have a date to the wedding so I was by myself and I what I don't know what kind of guy to expect or like what kind of person to expect like I don't know. He was really nice, but I also was just like you're gonna cut me up and put me in here. I'm scared. So I started emptying my truck. Mind you, I have my veer wagon which is heavy all my football chairs. No, my bag of like team parent stuff. Like so much shit and I had a line and mind you I am on the left side of the of the like turnpike I'm not even supposed to be on this side I'm supposed to be on the right shoulder I'm on the left shoulder next to the median like I could jump up and sit on the median. So because I my tire popped in that lane so I couldn't get to all the way over to the right. So I'm lining this shit up and he he not only did he show up quick but he changed it quick and I'm on my way but I'm like I don't think that I'm supposed to like I don't know anything about tires I don't think I'm supposed to drive like for a long time on this and now it doesn't have a rim on it just has like fucking hubcaps. So now I look like I'm driving fucking hoopty and then 15 minutes into the drive like back mind you this all happened in daylight. So now it's fucking dark and I am just like I call Kristen and I'm like I'm starving I didn't get to eat at the wedding like I she's 20 minutes I broke down like 25 minutes from Kristen. So I was like can we please can you just meet me for food like can we

just go get food and I want to go home and I want to take my makeup off and I want to go to bed because this has been like hell hell literal. So yeah I currently now have like hubcaps and like my office is on like a really busy road and I'm I am embarrassed and like it just is not it's not a good look and I called the Chevy dealership they were they didn't answer and then I called the Chevy dealership again again so I called a different one and they were like oh yeah but like we can get the tires in by tomorrow and I was like oh my god thank you because I put like almost 25,000 miles on my car so at this point it's better for me to get all four new ones than to put one new one on and then the three other ones would be bad whenever it's like you know what I mean like yeah so he was like oh we can get the tires in by tomorrow and I'm like literally crying tears of joy like I don't know like what's whatever and he's like but we can't get you in until next Friday and I was like oh my god thank you so I called somewhere else like some hole in the wall and they're able to get the tires by tomorrow and get me in by Wednesday so I'm only gonna be driving around the hoop tee in a couple for a couple days the hoop tee yeah I'm so thankful though like you guys don't even understand like I every this is the weirdest thing and I was talking to Kristen about it today like I know it's so weird to say this but every single day I think to myself I'm so thankful for my vehicle and I know that sounds weird but like I have gone through years when I first had Isaac where I never had a reliable car like I just didn't have one and so I had one like the gasket blue or the head gasket blue when I was literally dropping Isaac off at daycare and I had to miss work I've had a car shut down on me on in highways like I've had so many bad car I've gotten to a car accident like I'm so thankful to be in a place to have my vehicle and that's reliable and like I was able to have my truck that had a spare tire that came with it like things like that and so I make jokes about driving around in the hoop tee

but like I love my truck so much and I'm so thankful for it and it's every day and so like I it's okay that it looks a little crazy right now like it's okay I love that you're so thankful for your car because it sounds dumb but I just am it's it's just something that I feel like we all kind of like underestimate sometimes yes yes like take it for granted yeah you know you just go out and do your regular routine right it's like you just jump in your car and you go about but then you don't really think about like how that's such a luxury to have that yeah and so for that I'm also very very thankful and I'm also very thankful for this shop that's going to be able to get you in so I don't have to hear about the hoop tee day after day next week we'll have a brand new set of tires and then I'll have I'm going to use one of the tires that's on my truck currently as like my new spare tire because I want to make sure that the spare tire gets replaced but I'll have two tires that have only 20,000 well between 20 and 25,000 miles on them so I mean if anyone that's local they have to be local the Dover Delaware needs two tires let me know you guys can have them I love that I want to talk about how hard it is to navigate skincare products hundreds of options lots of marketing claims spending hundreds of dollars on the latest miracle product but you don't even know what it does or if it's going to work for you Apostrophe is a prescription skincare company that offers science backed oral and topical medications that are clinically proven to help clear acne if you guys watch me on social media you know that I've struggled with this over the years and I'm always looking for something that works and apostrophe connects you with the board certified dermatologist who will create a personalized treatment plan that is perfectly tailored to your unique skin so simply fill out apostrophes online quiz about your skin goals and medical history then a snap a few selfies for your dermatologist and they will create you your customized treatment plan so apostrophe treats acne and they can also help other skincare goals like reducing redness which

I struggle with wrinkles and even dark spots so we have a deal for our audience if you want you can save $15 off your first visit with board certified dermatologist at apostrophe.com slash combos when you use our code combos this code is available to our listeners only so to get started just go to apostrophe.com slash combos click begin visit and then use our code combos and sign up and you'll get $15 off your dermatology visit that's apostrophe a P O S T R O P H E dot com slash combos and use that code combos to get your dermatology visit and save $15 and we thank apostrophe for sponsoring this podcast hey and other news I was standing at the Target checkout go figure and I saw on the cover of People magazine it just said husband father murderer and it looks like yes this family with two little kids you know anything about this yes I do so I followed some of the story in the beginning and it was like this man tried to take he did take these two small children to Mexico and he ended up killing them and then the latest update was that he used his spearfishing gun yeah and because they both of the children were found with multiple stab wounds and they I guess everyone was confused but he used his spearfishing gun to kill them wait do you know anything about the motive or like why this happened and why they were in Mexico or anything no he just like they went missing as far as I know and he there I don't think there was like I don't think they're aware of a motive

I just don't understand like what are these situations are like because when I think about certain cases that we've covered I can't help but to think that a lot of these cases are people like don't like the life that they thought that maybe they wanted and so then somehow in their mind it gets distorted that they can just do these killings and kill their children or their you know spouse and then start a new life but it's not even a logical thinking process in their mind they must think that it's logical because we see this happen over and over again right like I think it's mental health right because so I just pulled up the story and it says a California surfing school owner was charged Wednesday with killing his two young children with a spear gun in Mexico because he believed they would become monsters but what happened up until I mean the little boy looks like he's a couple of years old and the other child looks like it's pretty young like yeah I think they were I don't quote me on this but I do believe they were almost they were under five yeah I was gonna say they they both look under five years old did he just start having those feelings or did he I didn't believe the story at first because I you know how sometimes they'll have like some crazy story go viral and it's like to come to find out it was never even like a real story

yeah I thought it was one of that to one of those like I didn't think it was a real story so I kind of like looked at it and then like I didn't see any major news outlets reporting on it like ABC whatever but once I saw it on CNN and and also ABC I was like wait a minute I'm like they wouldn't report this if it wasn't if it was like a big conspiracy but listen like think about like Christopher Watts is what's coming to mind with killing his wife shenan and then the two kids yeah that's that's yeah what in their mind happens like what type of mental state do they get in to be able to truly convince themselves because they have to to do something like this and Christopher Watts case he was living a double life right like right do they think that they're really gonna get away with it and then like move on with their life or what I I don't know I don't I don't know that's why I wish we could go into like a prison and like interview people like I just want to know because are they aware is it a case of like temporary insanity which I also feel like I did a research paper on that in high school and it's very hard to prove and like is it a case of temporary I mean for you to believe that your kids are monsters and to like that wasn't just like a case of quickly like temporary insanity that was like you thought out the process of like buying plane tickets to Mexico and then doing this and like you brought your gun your spearfishing gun you get what I'm saying yeah this was like a longer period of time for you to plan this I don't know I don't understand it that's why I'm saying like a lot of it could be like I don't think it's like a snap situation right like there's like preitation that is involved in that like you went all the way to another country like how how did that happen and was there any warning signs like did the wife see any

warning red flags right in these cases always like really freak me out too because I think okay well he went to Mexico he killed them and this like completely inhumane way it always makes me question if someone else knew about it like prior to that happening or they just really that good of con artist well that's the thing that's scary is like people want to hashtag and preach about mental health and you know checking on your friends and like paying attention to red flags and like all of these things but what can you what do you do when you do see red flags or when you do have a concern and and you know where are the resources like we can only do so much as people but like where are the actual resources I don't know and I also to that point I also feel like people get so busy and like wrapped up in their own personal lives that it's easy to say oh we should check on our friends and we should do this and we should do that sometimes there's not even an hour in the day and then you go to look at the time and it's like okay it's already 9pm and I haven't talked to anyone today right do you ever feel like that oh yeah I mean I didn't even I had so much going on this morning I normally text my one friend and we usually have a conversation in the morning before I even am out the door of the house but I didn't I didn't text her today and I was like I went went to go text her about something else and she was like

we just didn't have like our normal morning conversation before I leave and it just yeah like it's just sometimes you just have those days or weeks or even months like where you just have so much going on I think I have graduated into the months category okay so hopefully that will dissipate soon I'm just waiting on that day just waiting on that day yeah I don't know when it's going to come are you guys we're going to take a quick break to talk about one of our partners Chime we know that your online checking account shouldn't cost you money that's why Chime an award-winning app and debit card has no overdraft fees foreign transaction fees monthly service fees or transfer fees they have over 60,000 fee free in network ATMs at locations like Walgreens, 7-Eleven, CVS and more that's more than the top three national banks combined you can also send money to anyone even if they are not on Chime no fees for you or cash out fees for them it's time to say goodbye to hidden fees join the millions of Americans already loving Chime sign up takes only two minutes and it doesn't affect your credit score get started today at chime.com slash convos that's chime.com slash convos banking services provided by and debit cards issued by the bank court bank or Stride Bank NA members FDIC

out of network ATM withdrawal fees apply except at money pass ATM in a 7-Eleven location and at any all point or visa plus alliance ATM other fees such as third party and cash deposit fees may apply in completely other news though like a happy moment did you see the news of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck yes I did I did see that news okay what do we think about it I'm thrilled I'm just gonna tell you I'm thrilled I saw like someone that was like now if only Jennifer and Brad Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt could go back together I don't really have an opinion on the what was their nickname Jen and Ben I don't really have an opinion I think J Lo's like a power woman like she's just great but I don't I'm not like a super fan I don't really have an opinion I think they're cute I think I don't know cute

I do think it speaks to the fact of what is meant to be will always be wait like what's meant for you will not miss you right I think it speaks to that and 17 years later like seven oh wow it's been that long yeah so yeah I believe yeah 17 years after they broke up in 2004 oh my god why does that feel like just literally yesterday I don't know but it doesn't feel like yesterday to me if we're being perfectly honest yesterday to me seems like the hell that I've been living in so it seems like quite quite a long time ago to me but I just I don't know I this makes me so happy I feel like there's just vibes of certain couples that you're like okay they'll always be something and I've always thought about that about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston like always thought it and this just makes me so happy like what if you and Javi got back together after 17 years

no thank you what would that be like thank you literal hell probably oh my god I'm just kidding I'm just kidding I wouldn't know I think if we got back together after 17 years then I guess I went 17 years without knowing that that was what was meant for me like we just needed time to grow to be with other people to do our own lives you know like yeah that saying like if it's yours let it go if it comes back to or wait if it's yours how does it go it's like if it's yours let it go and if it comes back to you then it was meant to stay or something right like I genuinely think that that is true now after everything that I've been through especially in like the recent years if it is meant for me it will not miss me and you know whatever so if having meant to be together in 17 years then I guess that's what it is but I also don't deal with men with children so also probably not

okay wait I want to follow up on that in just a second but Will had actually said something to me the other day he was like I mean don't ever say never like closed doors always have a crack or whatever and he was like you know we what was that closed doors always have a crack okay Will with the with the quotes and I was just like wait what do you mean I was like well you know we might be together when we're 50 and I'm like no if I make it to 50 years old I won't be dealing with you like I can assure you I won't be dealing with you at 50 I'm not dealing with you at 32 so um yeah here we are 50 is he nuts listen I have an extreme fear of turning 50 I'm an extreme fear of turning 30 so I don't know that I will I don't know and then I just okay I've actually put a lot of thought into this which is why I wanted to bring up the 17 years later people who have gotten divorced gotten remarried or gotten back together after a period of time and there's kids involved me being in the situation that I'm currently in right now I would have such a level of resentment for the amount of time that passed

that like my child missed out on that I would have a level of resentment for the time that passed yes does that make sense to you yes yes yes yes yes yes it makes perfect sense to me and like why couldn't you figure out how to make it work but then so many people say well you know sometimes the timing is just just off but do we as parents it's been a really hard thing for me not to think about all of Jackson's needs above my own so thinking what's best for him I'm like okay what's best for him is for his parents to be together and work through therapy and you know make the best of this situation but then also I've thought on the other hand okay well what's best for me is her will and I not to be together and individually go to therapy hopefully we're both doing that and what's meant to be will be and it'll find its way but then also I'm like okay well if what's meant to be that we're together at 50 years old which is freaking weird to even think about it's like so much time has passed that like my son didn't see us together right that's just weird no I agree and that was a conversation actually that I had with hobby to and some something that I talked to about with a friend of mine who she witnessed like growing up her her parents separated or they divorced

I don't know if she said they separated divorce either way they were not together they live separately but he would come over every single night for dinner and it was in hindsight it actually fucked her up more and I said that to hobby the other day about Lincoln I was like this is not you know it's great that we're getting along and it's great that we're this close and we can do business together and we can you know ride to the football games together and stuff but I'm like this is actually you know bigger picture here we don't want that either so it's like yeah also you know getting back together in the future and not having us together for Lincoln's childhood or for all the kids because you know the kids all of them are important you know like it's confusing it's weird and then it would also build resentment in in my opinion as well so I'm with you on that yeah so I actually have been reading this book called bringing up boys and it's just talking about like shaping the next generation of men and it said in this book that 90% of children from divorce homes suffered from an acute sense of shock when the separation occurred including profound grieving and irrational fears 50% reported feeling rejected and abandoned one third of the boys and girls feared abandonment by remaining parent and 66% experience yearning for the absent parent with an intensity that researchers described as overwhelming most significant 37% of the children were even more unhappy and dissatisfied five years after the divorce than they had been at 18 months

so to that point of what you were saying sometimes I often find myself feeling like because I personally feel that I've been very accommodating like meeting everybody's needs and neglecting my own some that I don't want to be a part of that 37% statistic that after five years Jackson's in a worse place than he was at 18 months because I have allowed will to come over you know whenever or pick him up whenever and even though we have a schedule and we adhere to the weekly schedule pretty well also like after working hours I don't really have boundaries on that much if that makes sense so right right I just don't want to be a part of a statistic that's like you know five years down the road he's in a worse place than he was after 18 months it's just so hard to navigate because we do what we think is best at the time and I don't think that like I think now we are all as a society thinking about like gentle parenting and like the bigger picture and how like childhood things and the way that we discipline our kids and handle our kids as small children we are now our eyes are more open to the effects of it into adulthood and I think that's great but also again it's hard to not get caught up in the moment right now and think that we're making a good decision right now like I don't know if I would if it would be better or worse for me to think about well what is this you know me not going over to see Lincoln on my on my off days or like me and have you not writing together it would would it be better or worse for me to think about bigger picture what is this going to look like because we actually don't know we only know what the studies show we only know you know stories based on what other people tell us that they experienced like we just don't really know and so it's like how do you judge the you know what decision you should be making

well and also I it's caused me to reflect a lot on my childhood because my parents divorced and right it was a very toxic situation so a lot of things that I have done I feel like I'm overcompensating in some ways from traumas that I experienced second hand from the way my parents handled things and so sometimes I feel like it's self inflicted because I am placing burdens on myself that don't really belong to me and I just don't want to be in a situation to wear yours down the road obviously things change right like will and I aren't going to be together and maybe he creates a new family and has a new wife and this is just all hypothetical or maybe I do and the scenario changes right because you get in a relationship and the door kind of has to close on the other one where they can't just have his free reign like right now we'll could literally walk in I wouldn't care so I do feel like I have to establish some sense of boundary not because I want to have a divide there if that makes sense but I also don't want to set up unrealistic expectation for Jackson and then something change because now wills in a relationship or I'm in a relationship and that changes the dynamic right right so another thing that was in this book that I found very interesting that was not about divorce but it said that a study show that the average child is subjected to 14,000 sexual references on TV a year and is exposed to $2 billion worth of alcohol ads and other media annually isn't that wild makes me want to take the TVs out of the house I have never outside of trying to smoke cigarettes when I was like 8 or 10 what I I lived in a small town have you told this story before probably not but I try to smoke a cigarette and I didn't know what I was doing and it gave me a headache and I never

like I just was never a cigarette smoker I you know how they had those dare programs and yeah and they were like you know people will pressure you like people will peer pressure you I have actually never been peer pressured to smoke or drink cigarettes weed drink anything until I was an adult an adult like yeah you see you see ads and stuff for it like on TV and stuff like that but I just don't think like I was never it never affected me like how you just read that it's like that's terrifying when you look at the numbers and you see the statistics and you're like what the hell like what do we I don't yeah I want to take the TVs or like YouTube out of my out of my home for my kids but looking back I was I've never been peer pressured the way I have as an adult but I think also that subconsciously we know what's going on but we just kind of ignore it because we're just going on day to day life and it's just something that we've been exposed to for so long that we don't find it to be out of the ordinary until someone brings awareness or attention to it and when I read that statistic I was like wow that that's crazy but if I sit and watch TV with Jackson which is maybe 20 minutes a day and it's before he goes to bed he always asked me if I'll sit and watch you know show with him or something yeah sometimes the commercials are concerning like I'll see like a Viagra commercial or something and I'm like why is this on here like why is this on this station I don't know yeah I guess that's a that's a good point I literally don't watch cable if it wasn't from being on a TV show I would not have cable and so I think the commercials are a little different on like who yeah yeah yeah I feel like I have now that you say that or like like medications and then they list all these side effects and then the kids are like well what's that what's erectile dysfunction I don't know honey let's just hope you don't have it like right

I'm just like what and then as we've talked about general parenting on here I also highlighted in this book it just says that a child who lives in fear is unable to learn and I find that to be so true I feel like parenting and I say back in the day but I mean really we're not that old but I feel like parenting over time has just changed so much and I do feel like kids who grew up in the 90s I would say for the majority of kids at least the ones I knew there was a level level of fear instilled in the child to be semi fearful of the parent and that's how they determined you know respect and I'm just parenting so differently and I just wonder how many other people are also becoming more gentle parents over time as we become more knowledgeable I would love to get like feedback from our listeners on that yeah I mean I just I know that will parents a lot the way that he was raised and I don't at all so that's not really a good statistic we're not a good gauge right like yeah and I mean you don't parent at all the way you were raised so at all like at all actually I think I'm like total opposite to the point where it's like unhealthy not unhealthy but just like do you sometimes feel like you overcompensate for yes yeah yeah that's just hard you know and I always have to remind myself okay well you aren't you aren't this part of your mom or you're not this part of your dad you're you know your own you're your own person you know and just because you were subjected to this or just because they did it and made choices to do it this or that way doesn't mean that that's reflective of how you do or have to do things and then also I wanted to say that a lot of times my parents used to tell me growing up we did specifically my dad used to tell

me this I did what I thought was the best thing for you then and I didn't really respect that for the longest period of time until I found myself in this current situation and I think until you go through hard times you're not at you aren't as accepting of other people's hard times until maybe you have had experience with that and so that resonates with me more today than it ever has it was just always something that he used to say whenever you know when I got older and out on my own you know I did the best with you that I could at the time or you know whatever and I find myself saying that to myself so many times like rethinking the boundaries for example you know with my current situation like I do think that we think that we're doing the best whenever we're doing it and not until you go back to reflect do you realize oh I could have done that better does that right right but you know what I think with open dialogue and being open and honest with our kids we can have those conversations where like when we were growing up we didn't have those types of conversations with our parents and so they're still going to be more healing in the process and in the decision making and in the understanding when the kids get older does that make sense for sure for so like they'll be more understanding when we're open we're talking about it and like just having those conversations now and like through it and obviously you have to do it on their level of understanding and like their maturity but I do think that that will help agreed and another thing too is that I feel like in my specific situation when my parents divorced they both my one of my one of my brothers was born like shortly after my parents divorced and then my mom was already in a serious relationship with someone so I feel like that complicated their situation a little bit more than the situation that I find

myself in and so luckily I'm able to just focus on right now Jackson's feelings and my feelings but I also wonder how many people that go through these situations went if they look back on it if they you know have already found themselves in a serious relationship shortly after if they would do it any differently does that make sense yeah kind of like for example if will was in a serious relationship with someone like already or seeing her having her over exposing her to Jackson I feel like that's a whole another level of obstacle that you have to go through and so I am happy that that's not going on right now because all of this is just so new and there's so many things to freaking navigate I don't think anyone really realizes until you're in it how many things there is to actually navigate through the situation right you don't think about it. Yes, we're like when me and hobby divorced I was already like I was pretty much already in I mean I was I'm not even gonna say I pretty much was already in another committed relationship and boom I'm pregnant so like, and I haven't even navigated what the divorce and like this split time with hobby and I'm sure eventually you reached a point of crash right like all of the emotions probably were so overwhelming at some period of time where you were feeling like oh wow like I'm feeling everything all at once. For me, it was I'm feeling the pressures of moving and doing everything on my own being a single mom, trying to work trying to navigate my mental health, trying to navigate other things that I've publicly had to go through those are all obstacles that that I have had to go without having that extra stress so I know that I've talked to a couple of moms that have told me that you know have been through this that said that they had to do it.

Over again, they would have just like been still for a little while and navigated what was being thrown at them just naturally without adding any added pressures. Right, right, right. Yeah, no, I agree with that and, like I said, I've done it both ways. I've been single for a long time after, and I've also gone right into the relationship and I definitely think that you're also very vulnerable coming out of a marriage or a long term relationship and so jumping right into the next thing probably isn't best and you're probably not going to make the best decisions that you would had you been single for a really long time or maybe that's just like my own self like I can only speak for myself on that. I just don't think because in the beginning of a new relationship you're in that honeymoon phase and you're doing all the things and you know it's great and so your your mindset is it's not in the nitty gritty of the day to day life yet and so with this new person and so you're just not making those same like realistic solid decisions in my opinion. Yeah, and then so someone had tweeted me and said is it single parenthood if the other parent is involved and I thought that was an interesting topic because I feel like it is. It is I I see this these tick tocks and these posts all the time. Yes, you are still parenting whatever your percentages alone whether this parent is there or not you are not in it's not a two person or two parent household. Yes, you are stop trying to minimize someone's like struggles and like what they go through because their other parent is involved. I'm sorry but I have three completely different situations and I do not give a fuck what someone says I am a single parent to Isaac and I am a single parent to lux and creed period. I don't give a fuck what anyone says. Yes.

Because I do most of the work for those for those children I do that is what it is that is how I feel and you cannot tell me different yes their parent their dads are involved that is true that is 100% true but I'm still. Some people view some people view single parenthood as a parent not being present. Yes. That's not I mean I'm still okay for Isaac and Lincoln 50% of the time. I'm still by myself doing the things by myself out of will will talks will will talk small things like doctor appointments and haircuts I'm still taking them to 99.9% of all of them by myself. I don't ask Joe to financially send me money for haircuts I don't ask him to, you know, pay copay I mean sometimes I do but like things like that I'm still doing most of that stuff for for them and I have there with their dads 50% of the time for lux and creed. Yeah Chris is involved when it's convenient for him that is true, but I am doing 99.9% of the work at all times. So therefore, just because they know their dad does not mean that I'm not a single parent. Yeah, so I had that same take I view will as a single parent I'm a parent I view you as a single parent now. Correct. I think you can be a single parent and there also be an absentee parent involved in the situation. Okay, yeah, but that doesn't minimize the fact that the one parent is a single parent I am a single parent household.

Correct me too. Now, Joe is not a single parent. He has his wife, who he's been with for almost 10 years and then, but I do have a question is our hobby and Chris single parents and I ask this because they both live with their parents. Oh, so like they had, they have help. Correct. Okay, we're going to go over just a couple of minutes because I also just want to speak on this for a second. So I'm having a little bit of trouble with this. I'm navigating this as well because will has Jackson for fall break coming up. And Jackson has brought to my attention that all of the time will's parents are always involved, but whenever he's with me, it's just me. Right. So is that single parenting? I would say for the majority of the time when he has him if it's like school days, he is single parenting. But like when you're going on vacation and you're taking your parents for example, I don't necessarily really view that as single parenting because you almost have built in help. Like, I would not consider. So, you know, one of my best friends is Natalie and she helps me with the kids during the school week.

Yes. So like she picked up Creed, so that I could be here podcasting and then I will go get Lux and bring them home and then she'll go home for the day right. I don't can like, I'm trying to say this without being like defamatory. She does more for Lux and Creed than their father. But I would still consider myself a single parent because I have to work and therefore the children would always need childcare, whether it was her or daycare. Does that make sense? Yes, it does make total sense. I'm still footing the bill single-handedly. I'm still paying Natalie for helping me with the kids and also for preschool and play care. So I'm a single parent. But and not to discredit what Hobby does. I'm not discredit it because he's a great dad. He is a phenomenal dad. Him taking Lincoln to Kansas City this weekend. He was single parenting. He didn't have help.

But on a regular basis, his parents, both of his parents and his sister live there. So. It's a bunch of help. Yes. And so is that single? I guess it's single parenting. I don't know. But and Chris too, like his mom lives there. So is that single parenting? I mean, I will say it would be nice on occasion, like if I had a parent or something here to be able to be like, okay, you can make sure he takes a bath, like takes a shower. And I'm going to go and take a shower in peace. But I, I don't have that luxury, but I'm thankful for the luxuries that I do have. And I would just love to know from our listeners, what do you guys think qualifies as single parenting? Are we single parents? Are we not? And right. Okay. I can't wait to hear the feedback on this. Like I'm actually really excited to hear the feedback.

Um, so yeah, well, we will, we'll touch base again next week and, um, like I said, I can't wait to hear the feedback on this. All right. Well, if you guys have not followed us on out at coffee combos podcast on Instagram, make sure you follow us over there. And if you have not subscribed to our show, you can do that by searching the purple podcast app, type in coffee combos, click subscribe, click the fit star and leave us a written review. You can also find us on Spotify or any other podcast app. We hope you guys have a great week and we'll talk to you soon. See ya.