Coffee Convos with Kail Lowry and Lindsie Chrisley - 183: Participation Trophies, Divorce vs Separation, and Missing Milestones

Episode Date: October 7, 2021

On this week's episode Kail and Lindsie are diving into some commonly asked questions. First Kail wants to know what Lindsie's opinion on participation trophies is and whether or not they are beneficial. Then Lindsie brings up some listener questions, starting with divorce vs. separation. It can be difficult to decide what course of action is best for a relationship. Lindsie and Kail talk about their own past relationships and the choices they made when ending them. What would they change and what would they keep the same? And while co-parenting sometimes you miss important firsts and milestones in your child's life. How can you cope and what choices can you and your co-parenting partner make to minimise the loss? This episode was sponsored by: Everly Well, BetterHelp, & Prose Music by Nathaniel Wyvern. Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License. 

I'm recording. We are on the air of coffee carlos podcast. How are you? It's fucking Monday, Lindsay. I'm not even kidding you. Okay, this is the second Monday in a row that Isaac has been with like, he was with his dad last week, but I mean, like the second week with me in a row that he missed the bus. But this time it was not his fault. It was the bus came like 10 minutes early. And I'm, this time I didn't even get mad. Like the first time he did it, I was a little flustered and I was like, what the hell? Like, come on now, you know, we've been doing this for five years now, like, come on. But I didn't even get mad. I was very cool, calm and collected. But once I pulled up to the front of his school, I said, you're going to have to tell them that

I'm not coming in to sign you in because I had two babies in car seats and I'm not taking them out to come in and like walk you in and sign you in. I'm not, I just can't. So that's my morning. I have to tell you about something that happened to me over the weekend. Wait, let me tell you something that happened to me last week before you tell me about the weekend thing because it correlates with this school thing. So I literally live if somebody could throw like has a good arm, they could probably hit the school from my house just to show you like relevance. So I go out of my neighborhood and get on the road. And of course, it's like bumper to bumper traffic. And I'm like, why like nothing important could be going on. So, and of course, I always think it's like

nothing important could be going on when I'm trying to go somewhere and like wire other people on the road. But like I'm also on the road. So we like are creeping up. And mind you, I live so close to the school, there's no reason for me to leave more than 15 minutes before school starts from the house. So we get to where like we could do like we could cut off like in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot and like go a back way. But of course, the car in front of me stops like just a tiny bit too short where I couldn't get into the turn lane to go shortcut through Dunkin Donuts. And I was like so pissed. And I told Jackson, I said, Oh my gosh, if you're late, like there is no possible way that you can be late. First of all, he's never been late to school ever. Secondly, I am in my

pajamas and my hair is on top of my head. So like I can't go in the school and sign you in. So like what does this scenario look like? I listen, I think, I mean, that's another thing to your point. Like I really like I may go in my pajamas with my hair in front of my face actually loves to remind me to put my glasses on. We were literally packing the car up and he's like, Mom, where's your glasses? And I was like, Oh my God, like if I would have gotten the car and didn't have like, I didn't sign Isaac in he's in he's in sixth grade now. So I was like, you're gonna have to tell them I'm not taking the both of the babies out. Like you're fine. I would actually like an extra like two minutes. But no, my kids are never they're usually never late to school. So

that was you said my hair in front of my face. Yeah, I mean, I like you literally on top of my head like barely hanging on into the scrunchie. Yes, that was me. And I was like, Oh my gosh, like of all of all days, like this is what I freaking look like. And I'm gonna have to go in. I was thinking about like what I was going to look like going into the school I had like on a fuzzy robe with my hair on top of my head. And I'm like, Okay, I'm just gonna have to take one for the team. Like if he is a couple of minutes late, maybe I can get one of the teachers to like sign him in or something. I have no idea what I'll do. But he was not late. And there's construction going on in my area that it moved off of like the main road that is how I get to the

gym. So I've sat in it for like six months to a year on my way to the gym pretty much every day. And now they are extending the road like a mile from my house. So Oh good. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So Anywho, what happened to you this weekend? Okay, so my one of my friend's birthday was over the weekend. And I was invited to go out like for it's like a restaurant bar. So like, you can get food there and and then drinks or whatever. So me and a couple of my girlfriends went. And I was like, Oh, I'm gonna have like this guy started messaging me. And we have mutual friends that he was going to come out or whatever. And I was like, This is perfect. Because like, it's like super casual and like a bunch of people are going. So it wouldn't be like a day like I would never just

like go on a random date. And I'm like, Okay, cool. So me and the two girls sit down at the table. And I'm like, I look at my one friend and I'm like, Oh, I'm gonna like have this guy come here or whatever. And she's like, Oh, like what's his name or whatever. And I say I said, I don't know if it's pronounced like this or like this. And she was like, spell it. And as soon as she said spell it, I was like, What's going on here? Oh, gosh, she's like, Kale, let me see a picture of him right now. And I was like, Okay, I was like, you know, here, I like pulled him up and she goes, he can't come here. And I was like, What? Like, why? What do you mean? She's like, Kelly can't come here. I said, What? She's like, Oh, I, I had a thing with him like I used to fuck him. And I was

like, Oh, okay. Like, stop. So I texted him. And I was like, Hey, you can't come here. And he was like, What do you mean? And I was like, you can't come here because you fuck my friend. Stop. He was like, No, I never met her. And he thought I was talking about the other friend that I was with. And I was like, No, this other one. And I like said her name. And he was like, Who's that? And I sent her Instagram. I sent him her Instagram. I was like, she's literally like a sister to me. Like, like, I spent Christmas with them, you know, like, I was like, No, like, you can't use like, Oh, yeah, once he saw her Instagram, he's like, Oh, yeah, that did happen. So she was like, I don't care. I was like, No, like, I'm not hooking up with her like hanging out with anyone that my

friend, like, I'm just not gonna do it. Oh my gosh, Kale, that would happen to you. Yeah, the first time that you were going to go on a date. And then that happens. It's fine. It ended up being a fun night. I was actually home in bed by 1am. So I mean, it was we had dinner. And then I had a couple drinks, but I was mainly actually had like a half a drink and a green tea shot. And like, there's a reason why I don't drink. Like, it's just like, not my thing. Like, it's horrible. Like, like, I feel like I'm drinking poison. I literally was I bought a round of shots for my friend whose birthday it was. And then I acted like I already took a shot and I gave my shot to someone else. And they were like, we're jurors. And I was like, Oh, I already drink it. But I

didn't because it tastes so bad. It's like poison. Like, why do I want to drink this? And for what? So I can feel like shit in the morning. Like, like, I do not judge anyone who drinks, like, call me, I'll be your DD, like, whatever, we'll have a good time on the ride home. And I hope you don't grow up. But like, I that's disgusting. It's disgusting. Oh my gosh, I actually went. I have not had a single drink since maybe early August. And I went with one of my girlfriends to have a mojito yesterday. And I taste it and I was like, this is just terrible. Like, unless I take like, like the taste of it, then I don't care to drink it. Like I drink it because I like the flavor. You do like the flavor? Yeah, like if it's a good one, like if it's a good mojito,

then I, I like the flavor. But if it's not, and it's just like, I don't know, I've had some bad mojitos, um, then I don't want to drink it. Like I'm, I'm not a person to like take shots or anything like that. Cause I agree. I'm like, ooh, this like tastes bad. It tastes like what rubbing alcohol smells like to me. Yes. Like if I literally, what I said to the woman when she came to the table, I got, um, like a drink, I was like, I need something that you cannot taste the alcohol. Like I don't, but then you run the risk of like having so much sugar in it from like the juices. And I don't feel like shitting my brains out the next day. You know what I mean? Like I don't, like day after drinking shits, what do they call it, my dad's? Wait, I've never heard of that.

What? Yeah, that happened to me. And I was like, not, not this weekend, but like in my life that happened to me. And I was like, I'm sick. Like I have fucking alcohol poisoning. And they were like, no, Kale, that's normal. And I was like, who wants to feel like this? Who wants to do this? Because I don't like, I never like the smell of it, the taste of it, like literally no thank you. And I had to be at my kids football games at both of them played at the exact same time on Saturday morning. They both played at 10am. And I was like, what am I supposed to do here? Because but you know what? It was fine. I ended up trying to go back and forth the best I could. I had a really hard time because I'm a team parent. So I had to keep track of the plays for Lincoln's and

then like Lux. Most of the time he doesn't really warm up until the second half. But of course, the one day that I don't watch his entire game and its entirety, he not only plays the entire game, but he also scored a touchdown. See, that always happens. So I'm like, well, that's what I told him. I said, Lux, if you're going to be scoring touchdowns when I'm not here, I will always go to your brother's game instead then. Oh my gosh, you're going to be out here having your playing your best game when I'm not here. Leave me out of it. I want to take a really quick minute. I want to talk about everything really well because if you're feeling less than great, it's time to learn more about what you can do for your body. And I know that a lot of you guys

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I did the food one. I do plan on doing the metabolism one just because I do have PCOS. It would be interesting just to see like the actual lab results for that because that's not something that my doctor actually ordered. This is an easier way to do it honestly. For our listeners, Everly Well is doing a special discount of 20% off an at home lab test at everlywell.com slash combos. That's a huge discount. 20% is a big deal. So that's everlywell.com slash combos for 20% off your at home lab test. Go to everlywell.com slash combos. Maybe you make him nervous. Maybe. Actually, I have a player on Lincoln's team and he's one of the cutest little on bread to this mom. His mom's like the VP of the league or

whatever. And he literally gets nervous when his mom comes because she's like she runs the whole entire league. So she's just so busy. And then her husband coaches to their older son. So he's on our team and he does not play the same with his what his mom is there. It's so cute because he you know, obviously he wants to like impress her and like do what he does. But he I think she makes them nervous. It's so cute. That is so cute. Jackson actually looks for me when he gets up to bat. He looks for me. And then he knows like he's okay when he makes eye contact like he knows he's okay. But it is the cutest thing. And I didn't even notice that he did that until one of my friends moms told me like he looks for you every single time. And it's just so cute. I love

it so much. I'm speaking of my child. I woke up this morning and he had already tried to call me. I slept until 730 and he called me at 709 I guess on the way to school. And he left a voicemail. And it was like, Hey, mom, it's me, Jackson. And I'm like, Yeah, I know. Well, I was just telling you that I love you. Okay, bye now. Oh, I love it. I love it. That's so cute. I'll try to screen record the voicemail and put it on the story. Yeah, please do because people will love to hear that. Hey, mom, it's me, Jackson. The boys over the weekend, I was planning out like end of the year like gifts or whatever for the team. And I as much as I like complained about being a team parent in the beginning, I fucking love it now. Like I just love

and just love it. It's a lot of work, but I love it. And I say that I hate it, but I don't actually secretly love it. Same. One of the things that our listeners asked about for us to talk about was participation trophies. And I feel like that kind of fits the theme of what we just talked about with like sports. How do you feel about participation trophies? And I'm scared if you disagree with me, I'm scared of saying like what I think. Okay, well, first of all, you should never be scared to give your opinion. First of all, secondly, I have two feelings about this actually. So I am not big on participation trophies because I feel like in the society that we live in today, everything is, everybody, you know, gets equal amount, you know, whatever. You get this because

you participated. And there are lots of kids that show up that, you know, aren't doing what they're supposed to be doing that mine, mine included sometimes, that don't put in the same effort as other players. But then on the other hand, there are children that show up put in so much effort might not have the same athletic ability that someone who's not putting the effort in. And they're all getting the exact same thing. So for those reasons, I don't like it. And it doesn't have anything to do with ability to me like, agree. Yep. Well, it also, in my opinion, it's in the real world when people, you know, become adults, you don't get a participation award for showing up to work every day. Like it just kind of sets an unrealistic expectation that, oh, I'm going to

get an award. I'm going to get a trophy. I'm going to get this. I'm going to get, no, you're not. You're literally not. Right. And then go ahead. I've heard people say, you know, well, if everybody's not getting it, then like nobody should get it. And I don't know why that doesn't even make sense. I'm okay with, I would rather that than everybody get participation trophies then like I would just rather, I don't think there should be a participation thing. If you're going to do trophies, I feel like it should be like very specific to what like specific to whatever that like we have on Lincoln's football team, we have I think three six year olds. I hope I'm not wrong on that one. And they these three six, they're the youngest on the team, right? So I mean,

I would say that they'd probably get the least amount of playing time. They all get at least eight plays, right? But these six year olds that we have, I mean, we had one that was sick and still showed up just to support his team. You know what I mean? Like that, if we're talking about participation, that to me deserves a participation award. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. You're showing up even when you can't even play, even when you can't even sit on the bench, you're showing up for your team. Same for one of the other ones that's like his best friend. I don't want to say names, but I think like, they're moving and not to put everyone's business out there, but like they're moving. And then they weren't sure if they were gonna be able to still come into the team. And

then like the kid wanted to come back so bad that the parents actually were like, we'll make it work somehow some way. Like, talk about participation, like they're coming in when they are, you get what I mean? Yes, they might not get all the playing time in the world because they are the youngest or whatever the case is. But I mean, they're showing up every single week, they're doing what they need to do every single week. So like to me, that's, you don't just get one for just getting one. Right. Well, okay, here's another thing that I wanted to bring up too. That I also don't like participation trophies. I like rewards by the game and like nothing at the end. So if there's like an outstanding player of the game or something, I think they should be rewarded or awarded

after the game for that. And I think that that just works better just in my time of being in Little League. I've just, I feel like it works better. There might be some kids that really want the big trophy and, you know, that might be incentive. But I also, I don't know, like, I'm big on non-tangible rewards these days. And I'm not really, I don't know, like, why are you playing for the trophy, I guess, is my question. Like there should be other reasons that you should, you should be playing. Also, I feel like it's not fair for some children who have parents who commit them to a sport. And then, you know, college football season rolls around and it's like, oh, well, Little Johnny has a game today, but he's not going to go because, you know, we're going to this

tailgate or we're going to whatever. That's not fair for Little Johnny to have to, you know, because what if he wanted to participate? So then you have those situations too. I agree with that wholeheartedly. To your point, like the trophy thing with the games or whatever, we have one player on Lincoln's team that, I mean, the growth that I've seen, I think we're on game six or seven. The growth that I've seen from day one till now is just like, like we all see it, you know, like I can see something like that, like most, I don't know how to, like most improved player, most improved player, things like that. That would be like a key, like you worked hard and we see it and that doesn't go unnoticed kind of thing, but it wouldn't be

like everyone gets the most, everyone gets a progress trophy, like, yeah, no. See, I agree, I agree with that. So it makes everybody feel like it's this inclusive thing. Like you're getting a reward because you are the most improved player of the season. What I don't like is that like Jackson's really, and maybe part of this is like only child syndrome, but when he first started playing, he had a really hard time with sharing and stuff. And I hated the fact of the participation trophies at the end because I was like, you know what, that's not teaching him anything because he is now going to get rewarded for being a jerk. And now I have to sit and explain why he got that, but he was mean to

so-and-so at practice and now he's been rewarded for that. Okay, okay, I can see that. I can see that. I can totally see that. So it's just like a weird, it is weird. It's weird, like, yeah, no, 100%. It's a weird thing. And I also think it's kind of like, okay, college admissions, for example, like not everybody's getting a participation trophy and getting in, you know, it's like you're getting in certain schools because you put in the work to be able to get there. So I just think sometimes with the participation trophies, it sets up an unrealistic expectation for further life things because then it causes you to have to explain, you know, well, yeah,

everybody got this whenever you were five, six, however old you were, but now you're coming into the real world. Why not just teach them those things early on so then you don't have to have those conversations later? Right, right, right, right. No, I get that. I feel you. I want to be curious to see what I posted on my story this morning about how people feel about it. I don't, I hope people, I hope nothing I said was offensive because they don't, that's not my intention. And I hope, you know, anyone that listens on my football team, I love all the kids. I just wasn't like anything, no shots fired at all. I love all the kids on there. But yeah, I just wanted to see how you felt about that. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and I

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and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. In fact, so many people have been using BetterHelp that they are recruiting additional therapists in all 50 states. Special offer for coffee combos listeners. You can get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash combos. Another thing that listeners wanted us to talk about was divorce versus separation and like when do you know to call it quits? That's a good question. I think it's a really good question but a long-winded answer because wait first can we separate this into like two parts? Yes. Because I kind of have like a feeling

about a certain thing. Okay so um having I went right into divorce we have like a legal technically we had a legal separation um because of his deployment and we were living separately so that counted for like a separation but in the state of Delaware they don't really like really look at it. My first question to this to this long-winded actual question is when you are separated is it okay to see other people? I think if it's understood like I don't think that looking back from my experience now first of all I don't know if I'll ever get married again so these are all like very hypothetical things so I was about to say well in the future if I ever but I don't think this will be ever

future situation um I think a couple weeks ago we said never say never and here I am like I'll never get married. I know it depends on the day right you know it depends on it depends on what happened this week if right I'm gonna think about that um so I think that sometimes people will view or hear separation and they think okay that means single for a brief period of time and it's all about your and I've had to learn this through therapy that your perception could be different than another person's on that word so when you say separation to some it might mean okay we're separating we're still together but we're taking time apart and we're going to work on ourselves individually but we're not seeing other people and we're not

but we're also not getting back together right now but we're like still together like we're we are obligated to separate before we can finalize our divorce because that's also in some states and some situations they have to separate before they can go through with the divorce I guess you're right I guess it would depend on you know what's what's what the situation is you know um but I think that's gray area right and I think that's where a lot of things get tricky for a lot of people who do this trial separation period if you go into the separation with unsaid boundaries you could make you could make the situation worse than what you went into the separation with if that makes sense so um in my opinion and if I had to do it over again I would say

instead of separating if the plan is to see other people you probably should just go ahead and divorce um but also I'm looking that looking at that from a perspective of I've been there so it looks a little bit differently to me and also Georgia doesn't recognize they don't recognize legal separation and you can basically get divorced within 30 days in this state if it's amicable so lots of states are very different I have a friend who is going through um divorce in North Carolina and I think you have to separate for like six months prior I think there's like counseling obligations that have to happen um all before the divorce is awarded so there's a lot of legalities involved in it too I think that's so tough because I don't know like

looking back like you I'm looking at it from you know I've been there and so like I it's easier for me to say what I would have done differently um mine was very very very messy and so I don't even think that there was there wasn't going to be uh we're going to talk about this and decide to see other people kind of thing it was it wasn't like that at all um personally I'm a hypocrite I'm a huge hypocrite because you know I started seeing someone when I was separated and um I would never if I met somebody that was separated I would never I would not I would no longer text them if we had a conversation you know you we start texting and getting to know each other well I'm separated oh I'm not involving myself goodbye I think it's just one of those situations

where it's like anything could happen right so any person that is getting involved with a separated person also needs to understand that they're separated for a reason and there's a reason that they haven't pulled the trigger to file the divorce so right like there you have to know that there is a possibility of this person getting back with their their husband or their wife correct um but in terms of like when to know I don't think I think it varies like it it's it goes by by situation I don't think because some people can work through the I think the original question is like divorce or separation I think you know you could take a separation first to see if you're able to work things out um and then you know but some people have like very very different

expectations right like I have a cousin that got divorced you know through because of cheating she knew that she was this was something that she was not even going to try to work through it was like you cheated and I'm leaving so she filed for divorce there was no let's get separated let's see if we can get through this you know and some people other people are like you know let's work through the infidelity you know um so it really just depends on what what each person wants and is willing to work through and willing to to go through um I can confidently I can confidently say today that now that I've been there done it got the t-shirt and wore it twice now um not twice now twice now that if I had to do it all over again I would have never separated the first or

second time okay I think that if you want your marriage to work then you have to be willing to put in the work and not just individually put in the work but put in the work together and if you if both of you can't find like a meeting place to be able to put that work in together and I'm talking about in a therapy session um being committed to each other in ways more than just like a sexual relationship and living under the same roof but like really wanting to grow together unless you both can meet there and you're teetering between you know separating and divorce if I had to do it all over again Will and I probably would have divorced years ago can't change that now great but I think that it's taken both of us all of this time to go through

all of these motions to get to the place that we are now and I can confidently say I don't really know when is the time to call it quits because I think both of us can sit here and say today one day you might wake up and be like am I making the right decision and one day you know you go to bed knowing that you know and pure confidence that it's the right decision so so I think a lot of it has to do with time investment um and looking at what was really good for me was making like a pro con list and I know that sounds so trivial and just dumb but weighing out the pros and cons of their relationship and when the cons outweigh the pros I think that's when you know that it's time to go it's so hard to because I don't

like if one of those things were I mean even to this day I have said that if enough time was there like hubby and I would have been able to either work it out or you know what I mean it would have been very different um there's a quote that Alexa and if you guys don't know who Alexa is she is Lindsay and I is publicist um she posted a quote on Instagram and I was like wow if this isn't exactly um if it just hit me so hard and I'm gonna read it so give me one second it's um and I'll I'll come back to it because I don't want to oh it's okay I will say to that separation is so hard because I feel like it involves other family members versus you know family members friends um whoever your your inner circle you know is it involves those people too because then

it's like an open invitation of now we all know you know what's going on versus putting in the work at home and kind of doing things as a couple if if I had to do it all over again I would have have stayed at home put in the work in therapy and tried to figure it out that way um I will say will didn't even tell his parents the first time we separated and I lived with my grandmother with Jackson he didn't even tell his parents like they had no idea they knew yeah they knew something was going on but they had no idea what was going on and I I had been living with my grandmother for months and I'm like how did they not know I that's interesting yeah so um I don't know separation it's just like a really really weird thing and then I think whenever you take time apart you have

memories um of the time apart like you he's doing things I'm doing things it's just like a really weird thing and then try to like mesh it all back together it never goes back the same it's kind of like my parents used to say growing up once you leave home and you come back it's never the same it's right right right right it's like that in the relationship like once you leave it and you come back it never comes back the same and a lot of ways you don't want it to come back the same because there's a reason that you left but then in a lot of ways you want things to be the same and they never will be so right that's that's really weird and I don't know when to tell someone to call it quits like I really I just think you can't I think we can speak from experience all we

want but at the end of the day people like it's like being in a toxic relationship where your friends are telling you all the red flags and like you you're not going to get out of it until you want to get out of it until you're ready yourself like you're not going to listen to what other people go through or have been through like you can take it into consideration but at the end of the day it's it depends on what you want and what your situation your very specific situation looks like you know um and Alexa sent me the quote again and it said it says get into the habit of asking yourself does this support the life I'm trying to create and I think this could apply to um the divorce versus separation because you think about your your one-year plan your two-year plan

and your five-year plan does this person right here right now support what I'm trying to create for myself yes or no these are yes or no questions and if it's a maybe then maybe you need to be separated and try to work on it if the answer is no and you've been trying for all of this time then maybe the answer is divorce you know like maybe it's the it's time I also want to talk about there should be some type of normalizing of non-toxic divorces too like I know it's probably more rare than not but there are people out there that can do it like I'm in a situation to where we're able to communicate and we're able to talk and we're able to leave everyone else out of it and just us deal with it and I think that that is has been super helpful just like by not

involving the noise of the people surrounding us because frankly I'm divorcing so that's not what anyone says on his side is not my business you know like and I'm not going to allow that into my life and it's not important in my life so um I just think that there's so much preaching about how divorce is toxic and um you hear all these horror stories but like it doesn't have to be like it can be it can be kosher and a lot of people have sent me messages saying well you know if it is then it's probably because it's not over but I don't agree with that I don't agree with that my my cousin that I was just talking about she you know caught him cheating or whatever and um it was we filed for divorce at the same time hobby and I and then my cousin and her

husband and um we didn't cheat on each other let's clarify that for the last time um you know we were separated or whatever but um her divorce was finalized way before mine and we filed at the exact same time and hers was civil like I don't even think they fought about anything yeah like just like this is what it is and this is the state this is what we expect from each other and this is what we're splitting and this is how we're doing it and theirs was divorce or theirs was finalized before me and hubby so it doesn't have to be this like knock down drag out situation right and I I think also the difference in um situations I could see where where my situation specifically there was a lot of thought put in behind the scenes before we ever

came to this conclusion and like a lot of conversation was had before we made the decision to get the divorce and so I mean you know that so I mean this was like a long time in the making so I think um that once we got to the point to actually do it it was just like logistical if that makes sense right yep exactly exactly that I also saw something that Kristen had posted on her instagram and I reposted it but it said before you get married discuss bills parenting styles credit debt religion how to deal with family both sides what beliefs will be instilled in your children childhood traumas sexual expectations partner expectations family health history bucket list and dream home and I couldn't agree more with that list it's so hard though because

sometimes I've read that too and I think I also I didn't repost it but I think I liked it when I was reading it I was like all this sounds good and like surprisingly most of it and I can only speak from my own experience hubby if you're listening to this this is not me talking about you again this is me talking about my own fucking experience being married blah blah blah blah blah a lot of it was not a problem while I was married but there are some things that you think it's gonna it's like having kids right like before you have kids you're like well I'm not gonna do this I'm never gonna do that and then you have kids and you're like yeah fuck it the pacifier fell for sticking back in his mouth kind of thing you know yeah like a lot of

it is like easier said than done until when you get in that situation you're like well this is what we talked about that's not really how it's going yeah I can see that too and I also think that and and maybe it's just because I've done it and it didn't work out that it's easy for me to say say okay well now I've done this and I did things the wrong way so now I read something like that and I'm like okay all of that makes sense to me and the next time going into something I'll be more wise right yeah when you know better you do better but I don't necessarily think that I would have read that years ago prior to being married and been like oh yeah I should definitely do all of these things I think I only think that because I've been through something that didn't work

and now I read something like that and I'm like okay well you know now all of that makes sense to me okay yeah no I can get behind that are you guys we're gonna take a quick break to talk about one of our newest partners pros and I am so excited about this partnership there is no one size fits all solution when it comes to hair care a product that works wonderful curls might make straight hair length and greasy and that is absolutely so true for me sometimes I want to wear my hair straight sometimes I want to wear it a little curly and sometimes I just want to let it air dry and for all of those things I typically use a different shampoo and conditioner and recently I have just been trying to keep heat

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all their ingredients are sustainably sourced ethically gathered and cruelty free they're also the first custom beauty brand to go carbon neutral which is huge so if you're not 100% positive pros is the best hair care that you have ever had they will take the product back no questions asked pros is the healthy hair regimen with your name all over it take your free in-depth hair consultation and get 15% off of your first order today you just go to pros.com slash combos that's p-r-o-s-e dot com slash combos for your free in-depth hair consultation and 15% off I wanted to also tell you that I found a new Netflix show that I want to talk about on here but I also want to give people enough time to watch it I'm surprised you didn't tell me about it

though it's called made yeah one that was on MTV no it's a series on Netflix it's about this single mom she gets out of a domestic violence situation and it literally covers through her life show some flashbacks of like things from her childhood she has a mom who is unmedicated bipolar she's raising this daughter on her on her own and then going through court dealing with custody and it's just there's so many things that I could relate to in the show but then like a lot of things that I couldn't relate to and I really want to talk about it on here but I want to give people the opportunity to watch it over the next week before we do start talking about it because there are so many facets of the show that I want to cover is topics that each episode that I watch

I write down I'm like wow like that's so relatable and you just have to watch it it's this mom she becomes a maid she has no money she has no place to live she lives in a shelter and it really shows how messed up the system is and how it really makes it nearly impossible for someone to be able to get ahead that needs help because they only help you enough to the point of you're still going to fail and it walks through that whole process and I think I have maybe one or two episodes left and I want to finish it but you have to start like you have to start watching it oh I mean what you're I'm definitely gonna start watching it tonight because we don't have football but like what you're describing is already like I have a friend who's a single mom and she does it all by herself and but she and she's a teacher

but she doesn't qualify for any like help but she also you get what I'm saying yes like she doesn't qualify for help but she can't do it on her own either and it's just like I don't like what the fuck I truly feel like this system is set up to fail people like I hate to say that but I I do think that because you have people out here who truly do need government assistance and I'm watching this show and it's this mom who literally is struggling doesn't have a place to live and to even qualify to find a shelter to take her and her daughter to to stay until she can get on her feet she's got to have a pay stub and she started this job and until she's been in it like for a couple of weeks she can't have two pay stubs to be able to qualify to go to this shelter

but you have to put your child in childcare to get a job but then yes address to get the it covers all of it literally covers all of that and it shows um basically like how much she's being paid and it's it's showing on the screen like this uh running tally of like where she made 3750 but then it deducted all of this so now she's you know back down to $2 or she's back down to $9 and there's zero way for her to be able to get ahead and I'm like wow so anyone who is listening to this we're gonna cover this next week on that episode so make sure if you are interested you do watch it before next Thursday yes okay down I'm gonna watch it you're gonna you're gonna love it and you're probably gonna be like texting me telling

me it's the greatest find that I've ever found all right can't wait okay moving on um another common question that listeners have asked is with co-parenting how do you deal with missing milestones or firsts and I think we briefly talked about how that was something that I was just like really upset about and I really wanted to cover this one today because I actually had a conversation with Will last night about this because um if you guys follow me on Instagram you know that Jackson took his first trip with Will alone for fall break and I only received one picture the entire trip um somehow his data got turned off our data got turned off on his phone and so I wasn't able to text or he wasn't getting the text um not really sure what

was going on there but um that was a really really hard week for me and even though it wasn't a milestone like a birthday or necessarily a holiday or anything like that it was the first time he went away without me or ever on a vacation without me and so I was trying to explain to Will that like life does go on and Will's life's gonna go on and my life's gonna go on that's just inevitable however we both are still his parents and want to be involved and know what's going on and trying to um figure out what is appropriate and what is not appropriate like it wouldn't be appropriate for Will to just like be blowing up my phone the whole time he's on vacation but maybe like something between more than one photo the day before they come home

might be nice and kind of like knowing what's going on and just hearing from him daily to say oh hey mom you know like I I did this today and make you feel a sense of involved even though you aren't involved would have been nice 100% 100% and I know that you've probably had some of these experiences too oh when you know Lux and Creed went to their dads over the summer and you know he he lied about going on vacation so that he was going on vacation with them and so Creed hadn't even started staying over you know his Thursday through Sunday every other week he hadn't even started that yet so you know if you're taking them on vacation and you block my number and I'm trying to call you you know to talk to them and see how they're doing and he's never had them for

that long you know so that was something that I was like are you fucking kidding me um there was no communication where Jody and I have always I mean Joe too even um have if if they're gonna take Isaac to go do something or Lincoln to go do something they're usually pretty good about like letting me talk to the kids and like sending me pictures or whatever that looks like um because they understand that it's like the first whatever you know yeah and I also understand that like I said life moves on so Will is also going through a a phase of like where he's trying to find new norms for himself so I also don't want to say oh well like he's crappy because he only sent me one picture I don't think that he's crappy I think that he's just trying to figure out like what is what's best for

them yeah um it is just really hard because you're grieving the loss of the unit like yeah yeah and that's been hard and I'm sure you probably experienced a little of that with Lincoln and Harvey too you know like knowing I can imagine how invested Lincoln is with football and knowing how much they play together and like practice together and you're not being a part of that you probably experienced at some point just feeling the feeling of left out yeah and that well just like I've never I'll never be like Lincoln is obsessed with his dad because his dad does all the sports all the things you know what I mean like they they do like and I'll never I'm just not a sports person so I you know I'm heavily invested in in football because

Lincoln plays football but like you know I'm not as good to I'll play with him I'll play like yesterday we were shooting around basketball a little bit because that's Lincoln wants to do basketball next um like I'll just never be as cool as his dad when it comes to sports you know and so like that part of it I'll always kind of like miss I guess like I'll it's just not a thing yeah and then um another thing that kind of came up actually last Monday was about Christmas and originally Will and I had now I just want to also say when he and I are having these types of conversations Jackson's not privy to any of these conversations or like the content content or context of these conversations they always happen like when he's either in bed or um at school or you know

whatever because these are just things he he doesn't need to be involved in but it was a conversation of okay this is what I'm working on in therapy and in order to be able to actually see this through these conversations need to be had so that we can come up with a system that like works for both of us so that we can be functional um but also like be healing too you know and so we had previously agreed that Will could come over on Christmas morning because that's going to be like probably the first big I guess milestone or holiday that that one of us will miss and um next year you know I'm going to miss Christmas day and Christmas Eve and that's going to be really hard for me like I'm not going to lie like it will still even over a year removed it'll be hard but I said you know when

next year rolls around are you going to extend that same courtesy to me because we're going to be much more removed than what we are now like still our divorce isn't final that's the heart like I promise you because I can't before I gave up Christmas altogether that was the hardest thing was like there were years where I would just I would be very like oh you know basically do a courtesy for them for both Joe and Tommy um and the following year I would ask for something and they would be like no and it was one of those things where it's like damn like I I gave this up for them and they can't do this and but like at the same time like while it sucks but it's also like I can't expect them to do the same you know what I mean like I can't expect it so I for that

reason I was just like I give up like I'm just not saying that you should because I'm not I know how important it is to you but that is part of like the parenting and like the first and missing this and missing that is like deciding when is it when should you fight and when should you just not yeah see and that's that's the kind of like weird place that I'm in and um I mean I'm in regular therapy but I also have a faith-based therapist that I'm trying to navigate like how to do things that are realistic but also stay grounded in my faith and try to be a good person and when I'm making these decisions not always think logically think think logically but also think think from a perspective of like loving thy neighbor and being considerate of his feelings

as a human being regardless of the situation and so um I've come to the conclusion that no matter what I do he's probably not ever going to and I will say we've both been super accommodating to each other but some of the things that I will probably allow he's not going to allow in the future um and that's going to be okay that's going to be for him to have to answer to someone too later and I mean I as far as Christmas is concerned that's something that I'm really really struggling with because I don't want him to miss it and I feel like if I put a boundary there for him to miss it but it's something that Jackson would have wanted then that's something that I have to carry you know and um this year it doesn't really matter because there's

going to be no other person but me and Jackson here but over a year removed that could look different next year I don't know um and it could look different for will next year I don't know and so that's what would affect me would be next year if I wanted to go over there on Christmas day or Christmas morning then I'm probably not going to get to you because there might be another person involved and is that person going to be accommodating of that probably not going to be okay with ex-wife coming in but then also I've thought maybe the conversation should be that when we are talking to someone that they're going to have to they're going to fold into our family and like what works for us and if it doesn't work for them then maybe they're not a good fit

like how do you navigate that because we we touched on this before like that is that's the hardest part is like you know you guys can say all of these things that sound good right now but when the time comes and there is a new picture in a new person in the picture whether it's for you or for will maybe those things that you guys talked about don't I mean for you I feel like you're very convicted in your decision and I and I wish that I was like that um you know this is how it's going to be and then you know a new person comes in and it's like okay well now I want to change all of that and that was something that I struggled with hobby because when he dated other people things we've changed so drastically compared to what we talked about

and um that was hard and it's like well you you're going against everything that you're that we've already decided um and so you know how flexible can you be when making when when dealing with that and navigating that so I have prayed on it and have come to the conclusion that no matter what he decides for Christmas day next year that's something that he's going to have on his conscience right and like if he's not going to be if he is with someone by next year and he allows that person to dictate the situation then that speaks to his situation with that person and also the fact that he's allowing someone else to influence our co-parenting relationship which I don't agree with um not saying that he is this is all hypothetical I'm going to do what I think is the best thing

for my son I don't think it's appropriate for him to come over here while we're still in pajamas and just getting out of the bed um I think that Jackson and I wake up and have our moments together as just a family of just two and then give us an opportunity to shower and then I'll make breakfast and he can come over at breakfast time and hang out then yeah no but I mean that sounds good because you know it's not that it it does remove a little bit of the intimacy of like the waking up and like being freshly out of bed and like that whole thing when you're already like kind of ready for the day it makes it less intimate I mean still intimate for Jackson and for like you guys to celebrate as a family um but less like marriage wise does

that make sense I have my best friend um she I never like I've known her since I was two or three years old um and I never met her dad maybe a handful of times um she just never like she wasn't uh go to her dad's every other weekend kind of person like that's just not who she was and I'm literally I don't even think I met him a handful of times it was like less than that and I'm 29 now um he came over every single Christmas with his new wife to her and her mom's house like that was their thing um but it was like you said like they would get up have their morning and then um then they would get ready and then they would come yeah and I think that her whole like her whole childhood so many people that are listening to this are going to say that's

not normal and it goes back to me saying that divorce doesn't have to be toxic a lot of people are going to say that's not normal I don't care to fit in to societal norms um I care to fit in for what works for us and it's not a toxic journey we haven't made it one it's not going to be because it takes it takes multiple people to contribute to toxicity for it to be toxic um with with proper boundaries in place I feel like you can get through it even though it's emotional and you know sad and you have your moments it doesn't have to be hateful um that to me sounds normal and healthy Kale like how great is that that her dad and stepmom were able to come to her mom's house and be able to do that and it be normal because I think when

you're blending families everybody should be on board with what's healthy for that child that is involved yeah yeah I mean they definitely they definitely made it work I mean I don't and we never really talked about like she never really talked she never said whether it was like she liked it I think like just like when we were teenagers she'd be like oh my god coming you know like but it was never she never was like hated it or um at least she never confided in me if she ever was like upset about her mom and her dad or anything like that like it was just very that's all she knew yeah I mean and I mean even yesterday I was thinking about just like we should have a segment on here like the weird shit that we do but I went I went to McDonald's to get a

coke and um I asked Jackson I sent willa text and said um if Jackson wants a milkshake can I come by and bring him one and he was like yeah he'll take a chocolate shake and I just went over there with a chocolate shake like it's just like normal whatever and just you know walk into Will's house and we're just like all sitting there and Jackson's drinking a chocolate shake and it's just like very normal but from the outside looking in people would probably be like Lindsay that's not normal I mean I worry about the bigger picture because when me and Hagi are getting along really really well and almost it's like we're together but we're not I do worry about how that will also affect Lincoln in the future is like him wondering why like we go through periods of time where we're

best fucking friends then we go through periods of time when we're not talking it's just not it's almost just as unstable as being together and unhappy yeah see that's what I'm trying to prevent and I told Will that too that whatever we do needs to remain consistent so if you want to like be committed to hating me which is not the case but I'm just saying if you do then just like stay committed to the hatred but if you want to stay committed to like liking me being friends and being co-parents then be committed to that but be committed one way or the other and don't be a flip-flopper because that doesn't work for anybody yeah well I know that first hand but I got a fucking flip-flopper oh well before we go I saw that um on Instagram just briefly this

morning that your house is like coming together and I feel like it's not fucking budging that's what I feel like yeah but when it gets to that stage it just feels like that and then you'll go one day and it'll feel like so much has happened it's just the stage that it's at right now like right now I was supposed to I thought insulation was all happening last week and then drywall was going up this week insulation didn't happen last week um so I just kind of bummed out and um I'm ready to sell my house that I'm in because I texted my realtor last week and I said uh hey Marcus like what were we at here and he was like oh I think it's even higher than what we originally talked about and so like I just want to get rid of it so I can you know obviously

make the most from it well I also wanted to say that I'm having the same issue in my bedroom on the swivel mount for the TV okay and I'm gonna put a swivel mount in my bedroom mainly because I don't even like the look of a TV on the wall like it doesn't go people are gonna be like Lindsay that sounds ridiculous it doesn't really go with the aesthetic and so for that reason alone um I'm gonna put a swivel mount on a wall that like it's the wall behind where my door closes so whenever you walk in you wouldn't it wouldn't be like a focus of the room and then it's functional you have it but then you can also like slide it back to the wall and it's not an eyesore when I first moved into this house I wasn't even wanting a TV in my room but now that I've

settled down and I've started watching Netflix again now I'm kind of like when I go to bed okay you know I could maybe watch an episode before bed and like already be settled and do it so I think I am gonna do the swivel mount um I also wasn't sold on it at first but now I'm like okay it makes sense I totally understand what you're saying um yeah the TV it's weird I kind of really know I hate when my TV cords hang yes my biggest thing so like my house now I really didn't spend the time or the money on like hiding the cords but moving into the new build I do want to hide the cords that's like my biggest thing because right now I have cords hanging out and it drives me fucking crazy but I will say that some just don't look good on the mount yes like I think you're

gonna have to find the right the right fit but I'm confident that that you can do that um and I'm just excited to see the house like all together I'm excited I'm ready I'm actually need to start ordering stuff now because of the wait times tentative move date do you have one Christmas Christmas I would love to be able to send my kids to their dads and when they come back for the new house see that that worked out well um I I planned and it was not easy but I planned our moves wills included um for it to line up with the custody schedule and Jackson was just able to go into two homes that were like mine was completely functional and wills I will say was like semi functional so that was nice well with the wall sprayers and all the weird shit going on um

um you know there's some areas of concern but right right right I will say his Jackson's personal bedroom is functional and that was my concern he's got a working washer and dryer and his fridge is is functional now he has lost the handles to open the fridge but um it's functional and I hope Will is listening to this if you could please find the handles to the fucking refrigerator would be would be nice um so anyhow I guess I will chat with you on here next week um and that'll be it because I'm sure there'll be a lot of shit happening from now until then and you guys don't forget to watch made on Netflix so we can chat about it um and if you guys have not followed us on at coffee combos podcast on instagram make sure you follow us there you can also find

us on the purple podcast app on any apple device we're on Spotify and also I believe any other podcast app that you choose to listen from um just type in coffee combos and we'll be there and I hope you guys have a great week and we'll talk to you soon see you