Coffee Convos with Kail Lowry and Lindsie Chrisley - 184: Domestic Violence, Effects of Trauma, and Social Media Profiles

Episode Date: October 14, 2021

[TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic Violence and Mental Abuse] On this week's episode Kail and Lindsie discuss the Netflix series Maid and the themes associated with it. Kail talks about her own experiences with mental abuse and her struggle to understand her trauma. Kail and Lindsie talk about the flaws in the system build to help those in crisis and how many are denied the help they need. Plus Kail urges those who know people in these situations to be a support system no matter how difficult it is. To lighten the mood Kail and Lindsie talk about their opinions on children using social media. How much exposure should they have and when should they have it. This episode was sponsored by: MamaZen, KiwiCo, & Apostrophe Music by Nathaniel Wyvern. Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License. 

Trigger warning. The following segment contains discussion involving domestic violence and mental abuse that may be triggering to some audiences. I'm recording. Welcome to another episode of Coffee Combo's podcast. Happy Monday. I feel like I don't even know you. Are we even friends anymore? I don't know what even what's going on in your life. Okay. There's a couple things. Yes, we're friends. The second thing is, is I feel like I just can never catch up. Like I feel like I have so much stuff going on, some good things, some things that I wish that I never had going on. And then the other things that are going on are just like standard everyday stuff that's like, Oh, well, I want to catch up

with my friends, but I actually have three loads of laundry that need to be done and folded. So everything else just falls to the wayside. Right. No, I hear you. Honestly, this past weekend was I had low energy, low, like I needed to take some time from my phone. I didn't post a whole lot. And I also just like opened text messages and it was just like a lot. And I was like, I can't respond. Like I don't have the mental capacity this weekend. I was just drained. I don't even, nothing particular was like draining me. I think it was just like overall life thing. So I hear you 100% when you say that. Yeah, it's just, I don't know. I feel like we're also in the same season of life and like a lot of things like wanting to disengage and not always be available and all

those things, but a lot of that has to do with like, you have to boundary set. And I've had to do that through therapy because I don't really know how to do that on my own. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard. It's hard. Like it's easier to start something new and do it a certain way. But when you have to undo things, it's harder. You know what I mean? Like when you're so used to doing things a certain way for so long, it's harder to like undo them or like reset boundaries, like reestablish what's what. That's definitely way harder. And then it's weird too, because people who are used to you being all the time available, I know that you probably experienced this too. Like they think you're mad at them if you're not responsive. And it's like, no, I just like have new boundaries and I'm trying

to stick to those. So I don't fall back into like old habits. Right. Definitely. I just had that conversation with Kristen actually. She was, um, Kristen is, doesn't respond to me on weekends. And also like we both just have so much going on between like football and like her family and like whatever she does. And so like I, I used to be like, Oh my God, is she mad at me? But now I realized that like she worked so hard during the week that the weekend is really the only time she can put her phone and her computer down and actually go like give undivided attention to her family. And so I get it. And now that I'm trying to do it, I get it. Um, but I will say that since we podcasted last week, I did watch made you did. You watched the whole thing. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm on episode five, but I have to say that I couldn't finish episode four because I was having anxiety, um, about like, was Regina going to walk into the house and then, Alex was going to be there still with the boy. Oh, okay. Well, so like I, I was having like anxiety and secondhand embarrassment and I was like, I can't watch this. So can you just like confirm or deny whether Regina comes home while she's there? She does not come home while she's there. Okay. So now I can go back and fit. Okay. Cool. Cool beans. Cool. Cool. Cool. So you were having major anxiety over this? Yeah. I, I like couldn't, I was like embarrassed, but like, what is she doing? Like, why are you, I just like couldn't, um, I get it. I get like the,

the single mom thing and you're lonely and you work hard and you do all these things and then you don't ever, like the physical touch, like when that's missing for so long and you just don't have that intimacy, like I get it. She wanted to have like a hookup or whatever, but like, I, I was having anxiety about Regina coming home. That's really what it was. Like I didn't care about anything else. So it was just like, if she comes home and she's already giving her a second chance because of the dog situation, like I cannot do this, but let me tell you, I have been so hesitant and reluctant to tell my story about domestic violence because of of what Alex goes through on made. It's just, it feels like what you've been through is not enough

to be domestic violence or it, um, I really haven't told my story because people are like, well, you, you know, you must have in 2012. So you, you're not a domestic violence survivor, you know? So, um, and just like being so close to having whatever you need to qualify for certain things, but just not being there quite yet or not having literally Alex in this show, Lindsay, is me, like my friend in high school, Kim Greck, her mom gave me like, let me borrow Kim's old car. Like when I didn't have a car, that's how similar it is to this made. Like it's a combination of like my life with Isaac as Joe as the dad and then, you know, with the babies and my domestic violence, like a combination of my stories between

Joe and Chris. Like I promise you, um, I cried so much, so hard. And I think like the first two episodes and I was like, what, what is life? So I do want to say that anyone who's listening to this, um, if you haven't watched it and you have ever experienced domestic violence, um, or you are a single mother, I think it's a great watch. I did the, I think they did a phenomenal job covering so many different facets of single motherhood and a woman getting out of a domestic violence situation and all of the obstacles that have to be gone through to really survive. Um, and to me, it was very eyeopening how the system works and how hard it is for someone to get out of their situation. It's very easy for someone who has not been there to be able

to say, just leave. Yes. It's very easy to say that because you aren't on the other side of things and you don't know what someone else is facing. Um, this opened my eyes to so much because I've always known that the system was, you know, fucked up. However, to the degree that she needed to, um, almost made it seem like she needed to be physically harmed by this man in order to qualify to be in the domestic violence shelter is wild to me because well, and to that point, it's like even police officers that I have dealt with and, um, there has only been really one woman who, who was a judge in one of my situations that looked at the situation and was like, this is, this is severely wrong. This is very not okay. And if it's progressed to this extent,

it, he will kill you. Um, everyone else was just kind of like, you have to basically be, you know, in the hospital dying or with severe, severe injuries to be considered a domestic violence, um, victim. And to me, that's why we do see so many horrible outcomes because there is not an active, um, role being taken by the system to help people in domestic violence situations be able to get out before it's too late because there is a emotional, um, there's an emotional factor at play, right? So like manipulation and things like that. Um, and I know in one of the episodes, you know, the woman says, you know, five, six, seven times these women leave before they have, they try to leave before they actually leave. Um, and a lot

of times they go back, which is the case in my situation is, you know, emotionally and mentally, they manipulate you into feeling guilty, feeling bad, or, um, you feel like, oh, this, this one last time they'll change or it will never get that bad again. Um, and so you want to go back, you want to believe that they're going to change. You want to believe that they're, they're going to get better. And so when people are like, Oh, you, you took the PFA back or, oh, you, you know, you didn't file a police report that time or, um, you know, you gave them, you, you bailed him out or whatever the case may be is like, you don't understand the, until you've been in that situation. I mean, I even thought about it when she was going to court, uh, or not

going to court yet. She had went and picked up, um, Sean, she saw his Jeep, um, when he had been drinking and he went and sat by that log or whatever. I'm like, the fact that she's even like giving him a chance and like taking him home and like being nice to him and friendly with him. And I was like, wow, like, is she going to go back? I was nervous. I was, I was scared for her and, um, it's just a show. Like it's not, it's not real, but I had those anxieties for her. Well, also, um, just speaking on that point, I think a lot of, um, women who go through domestic violence situations are in love with their abuser. Um, and so it's hard to separate even though, you know, how horrible they've been to you and

the things that they've done to you to separate from maybe a time in need for them for you to like not want to be the good person and help them, even though, you know, how much they've harmed you. Yep. Yeah. And I definitely think it's an eye opener. I did want to say, um, that psychological abuse involves a person's attempt to frighten, control or isolate you. It's in the abusers, words or actions, as well as their persistence in these behaviors. So, but when I went to court, or just like in the show made, they told me that I cannot prove psychological abuse. I cannot prove mental manipulation. I cannot prove those things and therefore they do not stand. I, again, that speaks to the system because I understand that there has to be, um,

um, there has to be guidelines for everything in life, right? Because if not, then there would be the court systems would be unable to do anything. Um, however, I don't really think that it's up to the government to determine if you have been abused in this way and then to say that it's not valid. It's just they can't, you can't prove it, I guess. Like you can't, without the shadow of a doubt prove that something that someone says or someone, um, does outside of actual physical harm could, you know, be proven, I guess. Um, it's, it's so hard to prove. And, um, you know, that was, that's even coming from like my therapist and my psych, my, the psychologist that I had involved in my case is like, you can't, I mean, you could say it till you're blue in the face until you

make yourself look crazy. Um, but it won't, it doesn't stand. And so, and then I just want to put an emphasis on the fact that Alex really thought that she was not, you know, a survivor of domestic violence because that's, that's so common. It's like, well, other, other people have been abused worse. So mine doesn't really count. That's not true. I have, um, a whole list from healthline.com that goes over the different facets of how you can recognize the sign of mental and emotional abuse. And I plan to, um, send this over to Kristen so that we can get these posted on our Instagram pages because, you know, there's a lot of information on here that I was very unaware of. And, um, this has been completely eyeopening to me. Also another

huge eyeopener, um, in this show was the fact that she was going through all of these things and really had no family support system and was dealing with things and childhood traumas while also navigating being a mother. Yes. The fact that her mom was so, um, I don't know if erratic is the right word, just unpredictable, I guess. And then when they go to court, Sean's whole family is there and her, the mom treats her a certain kind of way. I've literally been in that situation. I've literally been there. Um, and you can't even trust the woman that gave birth to you to be there for you in such a difficult time is, um, heartbreaking. I ugly cried the first two episodes. I can't, um, the feeling of just like people are there, just like not quite there.

Like I know that they, you know, maybe you have a friend or something that's like there and they want to help, but they can't because they have their own lives going on. They have their own stuff going on. What was the guy's name that gave her the car? What was his name? I can't remember. I'm drawn a blank too, but like the nicest guy and I want, I wanted them to end up together, but I haven't seen, I haven't even finished episode five yet. So I'm, don't tell me. He's like the nicest guy. All right. I want to talk about motherhood really quickly. You guys know that motherhood is freaking hard as moms are emotional and mental wellbeing has been neglected for a long time. And last week I was talking about like finding your identity and like who you are outside

of being a mom, right? But being a mom is also equally as important. So mom is then is a revolutionary solution for motherhood burnout, anxiety, irritability, impatience and more. And I just, this past weekend I was just drained. I was, I was not feeling it. I was exhausted, but we know for a fact that happy moms raise happy kids. So after you download mom is then it's an app. I definitely recommend you picking this, the things that you think you struggle with and then you can share some of your own challenges as a mom, mom, guilt, impatience, anxiety, anger, yelling, dealing with kids, behavior, et cetera. I know impatience for me. I thought the more kids I had, the more patients I would have, but actually it's like the more kids I have, the less

patients I have. So that was definitely one of mine. And then mom guilt, right? Like I feel like all of us struggle with that to some degree. It's important to take control of your mental health and being a happier mom will, when you're, when your cup is filled, your kids cups are filled. So make sure that you guys are taking care of yourself. So mom is then app is helping me right now deal with like how to have more patients and to not have such a short fuse and to deal with mom guilt because I do have to fill my own cup before I can fill anybody else's use it before you lose it. I definitely suggest using the mama's then app. It can actually help you like avoid feelings like rage or anger and patients guilt like I just described. So just give it a shot. If you're

experiencing any of these things, I highly, highly recommend downloading this app. I want you guys to try mama's end and see it for yourself. How much better you feel as a mom, go to your app store or Google play and download mama's end today. That's M A M A Z E N right now. And if you use our promo code convos, um, that code will unlock your free trial so that you can try mama's end for yourself. Mama, your mental and emotional wellbeing is the most important thing for you, your kids and your family. Don't postpone it any longer. There's two things that I want to say. So in the parts with the mother, we're very triggering to me because, um, um, although I haven't been through a lot of this stuff, my parents did have a very toxic divorce

and I've talked about that before and everybody has a different side of the story and anyone who's been through, um, their parents going through a divorce and it's in early childhood. A lot of those things will resonate with you. Um, hopefully not in some ways because it is very toxic and just very sad to watch someone else go through some of the things that I feel that I personally have experienced. Um, I think I was seven years old when my parents divorced was finalized and my dad always had one story and my mom always had one story and it made me think when she was having these flashbacks of what her mom had told her that her dad had done and how she couldn't forgive him, um, or couldn't, couldn't trust him and it's like she wanted to because she left her daughter with him

and then she was having these flashbacks and then she would come back and get her daughter and say, you know, she wanted him out of her life. She didn't trust him, you know, all of these things, but then on the other hand, her mother was never there for her. So, but you also don't, we don't know, it doesn't go deep enough into the story to know how she was abused by him or, you know, if there was validity to that or if it just was untrue, it still impacted Alex and her decision making and lack of being able to trust her dad to let him in. Um, and the moms just complete like disregard, yes, like disregard as her role as a mother and as a grandmother was so triggering because how do you see that your child is going through something

like what her daughter is knowing that you have a part in that and how, and how she is and how she responds to things based off of how she was raised or a lack of raising and you see all of this first hand, but still everything else in your life is more important than helping your child. I don't get it. Yeah, I don't, that could never be me. That's literally my mother, literally my mother. I, but oddly, I wasn't, I wasn't as triggered as you. I'm not, I don't know if it's come, I don't know. I'm not triggered because I feel like my mom taught me through this has taught me to rely on nobody, but on the other hand, like I was, I was bothered for Alex because it's like your mom's a piece of shit. Um, but I'm not, maybe I'm just like at peace with it. I don't know,

but that's my mom. Like that's literally my mom. I also think that maybe the fact that I went through all of my sentimental boxes at my house the same week that I watched the show and I found a bunch of letters that like my parents had written me cards, stuff like that over childhood. And in these letters from my mom, it would always say like there would be a line in there. I wish I could be there for you. Um, and it was repetitive, like through these cards and now navigating, going through a hard time in my life and knowing that that yeah, my mom calls and checks on me every day, but I haven't seen my mom since Christmas. And to know that I've gone through this entire divorce, like on my own and other people can

see from the outside, the stuff that's transpiring, but no one has the balls enough to reach out and to apologize for things and to be like, you know what, I know I was shitty for this, but I know this is like a time of need. It was very triggering to me. Yeah. Yeah. I could, I have chills. Um, I could see that. I didn't realize you hadn't seen her since December. Yeah. So it's been a long time. Um, and I will say that I feel so after watching this, I already felt so blessed and thankful for not having to navigate certain aspects like Alex did in the show, you know, like all of these financial issues, um, domestic violence, those types of things I didn't have to navigate. So the level of grateful I am after watching that

is a completely different level of grateful than what I was just saying it prior to watching this because there are so many people that, and it's very, very easy for someone who has not been through it to say, well, just pick up and leave. I am guilty of that. Like I literally said that on my Instagram saying, you know, the best advice I can give you is if you're not happy, leave. It doesn't work. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't work that way. I had, um, one of my biggest takeaways from this, just because I've been through it and then also seeing, I mean, obviously the situation is on a TV show, but, um, you know, the friends that I have had have, they, some of them walked away during my situation because it took a mental toll on them. Um, and

I, I went through phases where like I couldn't, I was mad at them because they, they left, but then I went, I went through a phase of like understanding why they left. And I still think that I have like a combination of those feelings is like, I am watching one of my friends go through this right now and, um, it's frustrating and it's taking a toll on me, but I've been there and I needed them more than ever, you know, and I had people walk out because they couldn't take it anymore. So if you have a friend in this situation or someone that, you know, in this situation, don't leave no matter how hard it is and no matter how much you don't understand it, the, oh, well, I would leave if I was you, oh, pack up and leave. Oh, it's this. Oh, it's that. No, it's not. It's not

all of those things. You have to just stick it out with them and be there for them as, until you, you literally can't anymore. Um, because that's the time that they need you the most is during this time, especially if they want to leave and they're at a point where they want to leave and they're so close, um, it is going to take them a couple tries to get out of it. Um, so if anyone is listening to this and you know, someone going through it, please just hang in there with them, um, and, and try not to walk away, try, try your best not to walk away. You know, another part that really just made me ball my eyes out. What was when the lady that ran the domestic violence shelter, which by the way, I look at

that woman, like she is a, yeah, and like just an angel from heaven. Um, when she walks Alex into the store that has been created for the domestic violence center for them to be able to shop and how they have the fake cash register set up and how it doesn't cost anything, but they do that to give them a sense of, of worth. And when she goes into this store, she says she doesn't even know what her favorite color is. And I think outside of the fact of being a victim, I think a lot of women who haven't been through domestic violence or have, we talk about losing your identity and your children and in your relationships and not having a personal identity. Um, that I started thinking about things that I didn't even know about myself, you know, like it made me think like,

okay, well, what do I even like to do? Like what, you know what I mean? Like it was very eyeopening for me. And it was also very eyeopening to me that the woman who ran the shelter told Alex that women typically it takes them five to seven times before they get out of the cycle of coming and going from the domestic violence center. Yep. I mean, I, when I stayed at a shelter, it wasn't the, it wasn't because of domestic violence, but, um, it still kind of resonates because there was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. And I know that some people don't remember, but, um, Joe was like that towards me and there was, there were, there are several scenes on Team Mom 2 of the, of the abuse like that. And so I did resonate with that a little bit, um, because I

stayed at a homeless shelter with Isaac and I don't know if some people don't know that. I don't know if it, I didn't know that. Yeah. I stayed at a homeless shelter in Eastern Pennsylvania, um, with Isaac. And then I was able to get into the transitional housing that was fun, not fun. It was privately funded. It wasn't, um, I think, I don't think I quite qualified for like section eight housing, which is, um, you, I think they paid like the full rent. I was, I qualified for something that was privately funded after I stayed at the homeless shelter. Um, and, uh, they paid like a portion of my rent. Um, and I think I was responsible for, for a little portion of it. And, and I was, I wasn't allowed to have sleepovers just like hers. Um, they said when she went to

the DV shelter, um, she couldn't have sleepovers and things like that. She got like $67 a week in food stamps. I, the, the program that I was in that got me my housing, my cousin helped me fill that, fill out all that stuff out. And I had to be working a minimum of 20 hours a week. Um, and Orby in school, um, no sleepovers. They helped the program helped me file for like food stamps and stuff like that. Um, so I was able to do that. I was not allowed to like, if I had extra money, I, they helped me like divide it into like savings and stuff. I wasn't allowed to get cable and things like that. So, um, I resonated with, with all of that. And, um, there's a lot that goes into it, but I mean, the amount of work that you have to put in to be able to get those assistance, um,

things, that's a full time job in itself. Yes. I was, I was fucking lost. If it wasn't for my cousin, she literally came from New Jersey with her. She has her own family, her own husband, her own job. She, her husband stayed with the kids so that she could come to Allentown and help me fill everything out because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. And some of the information I didn't have access to because I haven't talked to my mom, you know, like I didn't have the information that I needed to apply for some of these things. And so I had to go to like, then you have to go to like the welfare office or go to the program that was, you know, helping me with my rent and like do other things to like make up for whatever information I didn't have, if that makes sense.

And it was just a full time job. I mean, you have to miss work. You have to make appointments. You have to do this. I mean, it was, I have never resonated with a show more than I did with this one so far. You know, I'm here to tell you guys about KiwiCo again. I just got a huge box actually over the weekend and we didn't start them, but I'm going to save them for the next time I, oh, I have all my kids at home. So now that summer's truly over, our minds are turning into fall and Halloween. And you know, you want to go from like picking recipes, baking, decor, things like that. And KiwiCo can foster creative thinking doing that, discover hands on science and art projects that get delivered straight to your door. So I got a

huge box. I have four kids. And I told you guys before I keep these on hand for science projects or projects for school because you can use them in like an art show, a science fair, anything like that. And these are literally perfect. Like Isaac did the hydraulics project. And then we've also done the robot before we've done a couple of them. But those are like the two main ones that he pretty much did solely by himself. And I mean, I have to admit it was pretty cool. So those are the types of things that he can do by himself. And I'm really just there to supervise. And then he's so freaking excited that it's hard for me not to be excited. And I know that he could use these for school. So I promise you these are worth it. They'll be so excited that they get them in

the mail. And you'll be surprised at how high quality the materials are because the hydraulics one was really, really, really cool. So if you're looking for like a first one to try, I highly suggest that one. But they'll explore new worlds and rediscover familiar ones without even leaving home, which is amazing. So you don't have to go to the store and get all these things for a project. They all come in the box every piece down to the last detail. So KiwiCo does the legwork for you, and you can spend quality time unpacking the projects together and doing them. There's no commitment. You can pause or cancel at any time, which is a huge thing for me because sometimes, especially during like football season for us, like, we have less time to do things like this.

So maybe during football season, we might pause over the summer. We definitely want to have them. And then just like throughout the school year, definitely want to have them. So scare up some fun this Halloween with KiwiCo, redefine learning and play, explore hands on project that build confidence, creativity, and critical thinking skills. Get 50% off your first month plus free shipping on any crate line with code coffee at KiwiCo.com. That's 50% off your first month at KiwiCo.com and use promo code coffee. And I also wanted to talk about her experience with this guy who seemed to be like the perfect fit for her. You know, if you put him on paper, he would have been

checked off every box. Yeah, the ideal candidate. And the fact that she was so hesitant to even let him close to her in any way, me watching it, I'm like, please surrender to him, like, please, he will be your saving grace. And the fact that she couldn't also speaks to the amount of trauma that she has been through. And I think a lot of women who have been in these situations and relationships that, you know, do involve domestic violence, probably experience a lot of those same things because you hear all the time, you know, it's her own fault because she continues to pick the same kind of men. Well, how was she supposed to get out of that without help? Like without like actual deep dark, like deep therapy where you get into the dark

traumas of life and things like that. And you're learning to undo things. You never, you, you're going to attract the same people. And I saw that somewhere. Someone was like, she does it to herself, but it's like, do you, what do you, you think that some, and a lot of people I watched a TikTok the other day, that was like, we men don't want single moms that are used and abused by other men, like we don't want to come in and deal with that and deal with the drama, the drama, the trauma, the picking up the pieces. And then I was like, wow, what the fuck? Yeah, you're like, wow, because that's me. So I guess I'm not worthy. Right? We were looked at like damaged goods. So does she, does she not end up with the guy that gave her the truck? Please tell

me. I can't tell you because then I know I said not to, but I'm assuming she doesn't. I'm assuming she doesn't. I'm assuming that she, because we've already, we've already talked about it thus far. I need you to just confirm or deny. She doesn't. Oh my God. Lindsay, what the fuck? I'm, I'm devastated, but he, he actually wanted to give her like a real chance. Yeah. I mean, I think that he was so in love with her. And I've read a lot of things of people saying, oh, he was just in love with the idea of fixing her. And no, I don't, that's not everybody's MO. That is not everybody's MO. Like sometimes people just like fall in love like wholeheartedly with, you know, the piece, the puzzle that's not put together yet. Like, you know what I mean? But it's there. It is whole.

Every single fucking piece is there. It's not about fit not for everybody. I know. I, and I watch, I watch these episodes and every episode, I'm like, please, like, please give in to him. Is this based on a true story? Yeah. I think it's based on a true story. And the actresses that played Alex and the mom are actually mother and daughter and daughter in real life. I have to say that the mother doesn't, as much as I don't like the mom in the show, she really does an incredible job playing that role. An incredible job. I mean, they both do. Alex being, you know, some of, in some of the scenes, she's very just like, it's almost like dissociating. And she, you know, like kind of just like going through the motions. They both

do a really, really good job playing, playing the roles in, in made, but I, that's very, Katie Morton told me, she said, you know, the hardest relationship that you're going to be in is going to be the healthy one after the traumatizing one, the toxic one. And, but you're supposed to be bored. Right. And she told me that. And, and I feel like the guy that is like helping her with the car. And she's like, I don't want the car if there's strings attached. Like I don't, I don't, my life is not set up for dating and things like that. And like, I get that. I totally get that. But I feel like it would have been really good if she would have ended up with him. And also just being a single mom outside of the domestic violence aspect, I think that once you

do, even though my situation didn't involve a lot of these, you know, facets of this story, you do have to learn to do things on your own that you maybe have never done before. So it's a, there's lots of learning curves that are involved with this. And you told me a long time ago that you would fall in love with doing things on your own. And I don't know that I've fallen in love with that part of it yet because it's been really hard, but also it does feel really good to know that I've proven to myself. I don't need to prove to anyone else anything, but I've proven to myself that I can do it. You're capable. And I'm, yes. And I'm capable. And there is a lot of happiness that is involved in being able to get to that point.

It's satisfying when you know, okay, you know, it sucks. The circumstances are shitty, but I can do this. Like I'm able, I'm capable. There, there's, what's the word like gratification in that? Yes, very much so. Liberating a little bit. It's very liberating. But yeah, so I'm going to finish that this week. My older two are with their dads this week. So bedtime is a little bit earlier when they're not here. And so I'm going to try to finish the last five episodes if I can this week. So hopefully I can, um, give a full recap next week. Please do. There were a couple other things. Wait, I wanted to say that, um, you can find, if you, if you find yourself in a situation that you do need help, you can go to the hotline.org and on immediately when it pops up there, give,

it gives you options. You can call and it gives you a 1 800 number to be able to call. You can chat live on there. And then they also give you a text option as well. And I will also make sure that that information gets posted on coffee combos podcast, Instagram, outside of all of this. I think there's a bigger conversation for Kale and I behind the scenes later in October, when she gets here, because although I have not been in a domestic violence situation in a relationship, um, she has, I don't think that you have to have experience with this to advocate for it. And so I think that there's a lot bigger conversation to be had. Um, and as soon as that conversation's had, we can update, um, you guys on that, but please do finish watching it and we can talk

about the last five episodes next week. Deal. Are you guys, we're going to take a quick break to talk about one of our partners, apostrophe. I am super excited to be able to partner with them again. I know that we have all had an experience with breakouts at inconvenient times. Um, so right before a job interview, a big date, a wedding, it's happened to all of us and we all have had struggles with our skin. And that's why we are so excited to partner with apostrophe, the sponsor of this episode, a little bit about apostrophe. Apostrophe is a prescription skincare company that offers science backed oral and topical medications that are clinically proven to help clear acne. Apostrophe connects you with a board certified dermatologist who will create a personalized

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with an apostrophe provider at apostrophe.com slash combos. When you use our code combos, this code is only available to our listeners. To get started, just go to apostrophe.com slash combos and click begin visit and then use our code combos at sign up and you'll get your first visit for only $5. That's A P O S T R O P H E dot com slash combos and use that code combos to get your dermatologist crafted treatment plan for $5. And we thank apostrophe for sponsoring the podcast. One of the things that listeners were wanting to know were like current, it's completely switching gears, current product faves in all categories. I have to tell you about something that I posted on my story this morning and this is not an ad. I'm not paid by this company.

This is genuinely like me trying a new product that I love. Kirsten had gifted me a skincare routine by Tula. I don't know if you've heard of them or you use them. I've worked with them. So you have? Okay. I would love them because I actually, I actually love the stuff. So I started using this, get the cleanser and then the moisturizer and I got the sugar scrub, which I just left it in my shower and I'm obsessed with it. My skin feels like really like moisturized, actually moisturized because I feel like my skin is so dry sometimes that it like eats the product, but then it doesn't feel like I've put so much moisturizer on, but it doesn't feel moisturized. Have you ever had that? Yes. Yes. This I actually like even right now, I put this stuff on at

probably like seven. It's almost 12 and my skin still feels like it has like moisture in it. So I posted on my Instagram story today because I had to share it with the world, but I love those products. Maybe they will work with me. I love those products so much, but outside of specifically Tula, I was having a conversation with another one of my friends about how this year I really want to reel in products that aren't clean and kind of like clean out any of my cabinets that have just like products with nasty ingredients. It's really hard to find good makeup that is clean beauty and also works well. Yeah. Sometimes you do that. I know I can speak firsthand on that. It's really, really hard to find products that are clean that

actually do what they say. Yes. Because I mean, everyone wants to use, I mean, I shouldn't say everyone, but a lot of people you want to use clean products, but sometimes you compromise how well something works because it's clean. And so finding products that work and are clean are, in my opinion, because I don't want to, I don't want to like product shame anybody, but I have this one that was skincare and clean, vegan, cruelty free, blah, blah, blah. The packaging is amazing. The smell is amazing, but I hated the products. They did not, they did not deliver. I was so pissed because you want, especially when something has like really good packaging and you're like, ooh, I just really like that. And it was pricey and I was disappointed, very, very, very disappointed.

I think I'm actually going to start as I was like mapping out stuff to share. I think I'm going to start sharing different clean beauty products that I enjoy that I feel that are effective as I'm doing this clean out because I don't know. I just, I don't want to wear a lot of makeup anymore. We've talked about this before. It's nice to just have like, like focusing on the skincare aspect of it and then just wearing gentle makeup, I guess I would call it. And just being like naturally in yourself. There's a lot of freedom there too. Yeah, no, 100%. I felt so good yesterday. I put on like, I don't know if it was a BB cream or a CC cream, but basically tinted moisturizer. I don't remember which one it was because I don't, I'm not really like into like makeup makeup, but like,

obviously I have like a couple of things that I like. It was by NARS. I don't know if it was BB or CC, but I just did like a light tinted moisturizer and then put like my stuff on. I didn't even use setting spray or anything like that, but agreed. Like there, I just feel, I felt good about how I looked yesterday. It was in the morning, not when I was in my hoodie for the third day in a row, but in the morning I had somewhere to go and I just, I felt good. Like I felt like I had enough on where I felt good, but like not a full face of makeup and it just felt good. So I can post some of those products I use that I actually liked. Please do. We can be just like product post in junkies. Yes, I'm down. Loves it. I also have started cleaning out

cleaning products that are just like really bad for you. And I also will make sure I send Kristen pictures of the stuff that I have been using that I know are like non-toxic products actually that work because also could not possibly be good to be using some of the stuff that I was using before like no way. And I don't want to call out specific brands of stuff, but cleaning products are probably very dangerous. Think about how much I clean and how much fumes that I'm inhaling. Like there's no possible way it could be healthy. Which is, yeah, that's a good point. That's a really good point. I love when we were, we used to have public goods on here. I actually still love them and I still use them. I love

their stuff. I use some of their stuff too. That's some of the stuff. Yeah. And I still use true earth laundry detergent, which I feel like is good. Use that too, sis. See, we're on the same page here. I love it for us. But yes, so I hear you on that. I need to go through. I've really been, I have not really taken care of great care of my house lately. It's because you're getting in that phase that I got into whenever I started moving out. Yes, literally that. You took the words right out of my head because I, it's, I'm at the point where it's like, why am I bothering? Why am I, I mean, I know I should, like I, I'm not completely letting it go to the point where I'm like letting it fall apart, but I'm also just like not really cleaning. Yes. Because, because I'm

just at that point where it's like, okay, I want to get ready to sell this house. Like I want to start, maybe what I should start doing right now is not necessarily like cleaning things, you know, decluttering excess. Yes. Decluttering. I should be getting rid of things slowly, but surely that's what I should be doing because, but also I'm waiting on a confirmation call for my, for my build because we are now five months in and we are, we just hit 50% progress last week. So I'm, I'm very pissed off. I'm, I'm not happy. I, I'm going to start withholding payments at this point. Um, because I mean, just like miscommunications on so many things and so many things holding up the build that should not be holding up the build. Um, and I know that people were saying,

you know, don't expect for it to be done when the builder says it's going to be done. It's going to take much longer. That's fine. And I feel like I can account for like the six weeks that I took, you know, we had to reconfigure things. I feel like that's understandable and it was my choice, but other things like a fireplace being picked out and electric fireplace being picked out should not hold up progress for two full weeks because that's not something that is, um, imperative for the build. Um, the insulation and drywall was supposed to happen over the last two weeks and none of that was completed. Um, or even started. So I'm just, I'm at a point where it's like, okay, I need to get my house sold because right now is the time to sell and I'm

just like frustrated. So decluttering is something that I need to do. So listen for that little tangent. It will also declutter your mind. Um, when I started going through stuff and I've, uh, where do we put it? I officially unpacked my last box over here and I've, I moved in at the end of, or started the moving in process at the end of July. So I mean, it's taken me a long time, but I did not put anything away that I did not want to keep. So I went through every single thing and it feels so good to know that like, I don't have clutter here. Like I can sleep and know that it is all gone. Um, well, that's part of my thing too is like, we've outgrown my current home so much that I don't have a place for everything. And when you don't have a place for

everything, that's where things become like overwhelming and clutter. Because if you have just like you, when everything, when I had Philadelphia neat come in and like organize my whole house, like my pantry, my closets and things like that, I felt like I could put things away. At this point, I feel like I can't put anything away because there's no space to put anything. So even if something has a space, there's not a space, a big help for me though. I couldn't have done it on my own. Actually, um, if you guys remember when Kale was out, we called it like her maternity leave from podcasting. Um, my friend Carly had come on and co-hosted with me and she is now my assistant and that's been in the making for quite some time. Um, and it was super helpful

for, helpful to me to have her come over and go through the boxes with me and kind of be like a second set of eyes to be like, mm, like, I know you think this is cute, but like you probably will never look at this again. And we'll not even remember that you had it. So that was really, really super helpful. Um, also I feel like you just have to start going through stuff, Kale, like you might just need to start in like one area of your home and then like work to different areas. So maybe start in your kitchen, go through all of that stuff, look at everything and be like, I don't need this. I'm never going to use this again, or I'm buying new of this. So I don't need it. Get rid of it. Um, you could try to find like a domestic violent shelter to give certain

things to, I don't know what they, you know, take, um, Salvation Army, different charities you could probably look into to see where you could do some drop offs. Um, I just bagged everything up and started sitting it in my garage and then worried about that part after I got through the stuff. Okay. Well, I'm going to make a plan to start that on Friday because I don't have a whole lot going on on Friday and I don't have my kids. I, I can't, I cannot do it anymore. I'm like overwhelmed and I also just like don't want to have to do it when it gets closer, even closer to the build because I'm, if I'm, if I, if we're still on track for Christmas, which it sounds like we're not, because if we're five months at 50%, then we're looking at like March.

Yeah. See that's the other 50%. So that's another, what like five months. Um, I don't want to do it when I'm about to move in because then it adds to the process, you know, I start now, then I would have, that's a good point. That's a really, really, really good point because then you're not, why would you also pay to have movers move your clutter? That was another thing to me. Like why am I moving the clutter from one place to the next place when I'm just going to get rid of it? Right. That's a good point. Okay. So I'm going to work on that. Let's see. What else was on this list from the listeners? Actually, um, I wanted to make a point that Carly called me a hoarder and I think I do have some hoarding tendencies, but also like I don't want to call myself that.

I don't want to call myself that. And then it made me, I was also very triggered when we were watching, um, made and there was that scene with the hoarder where she like goes in and cleans out the hoarder's house and it's like stuff from Florida ceiling of stuff. And I was like, wow, that was just actually me, but I was not that bad. My hoarding was like organized hoarding is what I like to call it. Yeah, but it's still organized hoarding is still hoarding and probably as you get older, it'll be less organized. So I'm going to call you a hoarder as well. Please, please don't. Um, but there were some things that made me think like maybe I am a hoarder because I was going through a specific box from like my baby shower and stuff. And it was like,

okay, why do I have confetti from the tables and like DM, it would be called de-inflated helium balloons, like deflated, deflated helium balloons. Like, why would I have that? Why did you have that? I don't know. And then also just like, I really associate memories with things that I have. Right, right, right, right. And so I feel like, well, I lose that memory. If I get rid of those deflated balloons, like probably not. But like in my mind, I, I mean, I, I used to be like that. I was very much, but then I was, I realized like most like it's just taking up space. And what if you like, maybe you could like take pictures of the things. I just got rid of it all and I don't miss it at all. Actually feels good to know

that it's gone. Right. But it was really hard for me to like get to the process of throwing it away. Yeah, it's, that's, that's a tough journey to walk. But honey, I made it. I made it. It loves it for us. Everyone involved in my shit show. The listeners also wanted to know completely switching gears as well. Um, kids, social media, our opinions on it, when it's okay and the boundaries. And, um, I don't really have a direct answer to this. It's probably a long-winded answer and probably also conflicted feelings about it. Yeah, I think, um, just because we've been on the show for my kids entire lives, um, social media was less of an issue for me. Um, I, I will say that I run my

kids Instagrams and some people are like, well, why do they need Instagrams? Well, for one, people created fan pages for my kids anyway and took some of the handles that I wanted to use. So that's number one. Number two, um, kind of like the emailing situation where you can like set your kid up an email and like email them and all of that. Um, I don't think that my kids would ever read something like that. Um, whatever read emails throughout the years. And also I just, I hate email. So Instagram worked better for us. I run them. Obviously my kids can see them at any point. And then once they get old enough, I will turn them over to the kids and they can have, you know, their followers, their brand deals, whatever, whatever that looks like in the future.

Um, but my kids don't have, like Lincoln doesn't have Instagram on his phone. I have it on my phone and then I can show him if he has like a question or like wants to take a video or whatever. Um, Isaac has TikTok, um, private. Nobody, I told them if they don't, if he doesn't know them, they cannot follow him. So he has to deny anyone that he doesn't know. Um, and, but also I understand people who don't have, that don't want their kids on social media at all. Like that's, I completely understand that too. So a couple of feelings on this. One, I feel like it would be hypocritical to say, I don't want Jackson on social media because it's bad XYZ. Um, because also our livings are basically created from social platforms. Even, you know, podcasts, we have

social media for all of our podcasts say, like we have a slew of podcasts. Um, so it would, it would be kind of hypocritical for me to be like, oh, you know, there's no value in social media. I think at this stage in his life, it's not important and I don't want to expose him to things that he doesn't need to be exposed to at eight years old. Um, but also I think that there's boundaries should be set with everything. And I just don't want like someone writing him messages. I mean, I talked about this on this other NT about Jackson. He even responds to like T-Mobile's, um, survey text messages. So like he doesn't really have enough sense to like not respond to people that messaged him. If that makes sense, like he would probably respond

to be, to be nice, but then that's where kids get like tricked into stuff. So I wouldn't trust. It's not that I don't trust him. It's just like, I don't trust social media enough to allow him to have access to that. Um, and then also there's just like a bunch of things that happen on social media that I feel like once we get to the age where it's a conversation where all of his friends have it and then he wants to have it, then that's a new conversation and boundaries would definitely have to be in place. Like you said, Isaac can only have people following him on TikTok that he, he knows, um, they would definitely have to be boundaries in place because it couldn't just be a free for all. No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. Uh, yeah. I mean, I, Lincoln's at the age

where like he is reading things and seeing things. So, um, I wholeheartedly agree with that. I'm just, I am, I am pissed off because someone took Lux Lowry as an, uh, an Instagram handle. And so I couldn't use that. So things like that. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Same for Isaac. Isaac's, um, his at is like not what I would have picked either. Um, I'm annoyed, but also they don't have to be exposed. You could always like make them private too. If you wanted to like post stuff on there for him. Um, if you like made one or whatever for him, I just, I can't, I, it pisses me off. I'm like, can you guys just like leave? Like thank you so much for the, the support with peace and love, but like please stop taking people's names as you're at. Oh my gosh, because people

want you to pay for them. You know, like, Oh, I know this is such and such as kids name. So they'll have to pay me to get it. It's annoying. It's like, um, you should have to have a driver's license or like some type of proof that that's your actual name to be able to use. Right. For your child's name. Yeah. I don't know why. Yeah. I agree. I agree with that. Um, moving on from this though. Um, you have anything else going on this week that you want to tell us about or nothing fun? Um, football practice, maybe going to a high school, taking our football team to a high school football game on Friday. Um, well, we, we played last weekend where we're six and oh, Lincoln's team is six and oh, and, um, that's really exciting because Lincoln's first year

football, I think we won maybe one game. Um, so to go from, from that to this, um, in one year feels, feels really good. And, um, we just have like a really great, a really great football team and I love all the parents and, um, you know, I just, I don't know, we're having a good year. I love that. A good season. I love that so much. Right before, um, we started recording, I was just like trying to catch up on stuff and I did just briefly want to mention, um, I'm still following the Brian Laundrie Gabby Petito case obsessively. Um, however, at this point, I feel like this could be a situation where they could never find him. I hate to say that. Um, but also there's just been multiple bodies that have shown up in the areas that he has been suspected to be

at or they have, you know, photos that he supposedly was at allegedly, um, dog the bounty hunter getting involved. Um, I saw that. I have not been following it as obsessively because I am frustrated by the case. Um, it's, I do think that the parents are far more involved than anyone would have imagined because a friend of mine said that, um, the, the parents had set up like reservations for camping. Um, from, I want to say it was from two people to three people. So they knew that Gabby was not coming. Um, and the fact that the parents have been photographed like laughing with the FBI agent really, um, is infuriating. The entire case is infuriating at this point. Um, I think there's been a lot of things that have been mishandled. Period by all parties involved. Um, and also

I think the media playing such a big role in this case goes back to statements that we've made when we're covering true crime stuff, um, that the media has a huge pull on, on cases and how they play out, what's true, what's not true. It's, it's really hard to determine at this point what actually is truth and then what is being done strictly for media purposes and headlines. Um, I know that there was a lawsuit that was filed against dog the bounty hunter for 1.3 million dollars. People were trying to link that back to his involvement with the Brian Laundrie, uh, searching and whatever. However, it is not true at all that 1.3 million dollar lawsuit has to do with a TV deal and a show. Um, and not the involvement with, with trying to find Brian

Laundrie. Um, also I wanted to make a point as well. A lot of the pictures that are surfacing of people saying that they saw him and then sending in these photos. I know that my quality of my pictures on my phone are a lot better than the photos that people have sent saying that they saw him. It literally looks like some of these photos were taken on a razor phone from like 1996. Not a razor phone. And I'm like, how does this, like why, how could you have not have taken this and what's that mode on your iPhone that like makes it all clear and stuff? Portrait mode. Like could you not like click portrait and just like take in the photo so we could get a little bit more information. Um, I do feel like the more days that go by and he's

not found, um, at this point, I don't really have a thought if he is dead or alive. Um, I'm starting to get the feeling that like, now hear me out. It might sound crazy. It might sound crazy. I think the parents knew that, you know, of his involvement in Gabby's, you know, that he did it and we're kind of that last, um, camping situation where he went and it was the three of them or whatever. I think in my opinion, that maybe just maybe they knew that that was going to be the last time that they saw him kind of thing, um, or spent like a significant amount of time with him and did whatever, you know, they were going to do and like the car going missing in the reserve. Um, he's either like camping out or could have possibly killed himself

and his parents know that. Yeah, I think they know. I just don't see the demeanor of the parents is just very, very off to me. Um, and again, we always talk about, we shouldn't say how we would be in situations that we haven't been in, but I can confidently tell you and every person that's listening to coffee comp is podcast. If my son had been accused of something like this, I would not be laughing with FBI agents for them to even potentially get a photo for that to be shared on all media and news outlets. Like there, I agree. No possible way. And then the fact that they're just, and also, I mean, I know that probably for, for their sanity, you know, you continue on with life and try to do things that are normal. Like I know when people go through

traumatic experiences, you should try to keep things as normal as possible and stay on a schedule, blah, blah, blah. However, these people, just as of last night, in the middle of the night, were going out in their, on their lawn, picking up memorials and laundry baskets that were thrown all over their yard and signs that were posted in their yard in the middle of the night. They were, they were going out there doing that and checking the mail. Probably because they didn't want to be seen being photographed during the day. Yeah. But then they were still photographed at night because the media isn't leaving. Like when one person, when one person leaves, another person shows up. So it's my understanding that

someone's basically always there, but there's just so many different conspiracies that have been part of this case, you know, like the man that, that showed up dead in the same area of where Gabby was found, what it was determined that it was a self-inflicted gunshot wound suicide. So linking Brian to this and like making it like he is a serial killer or he's like on a mass killing spree. I think we just need to stay focused on the facts of what we know and not get in the weeds with a bunch of stuff and speaking of weeds, the fact that the parents have a garden in the back of their yard and people trying to say that they saw a hand come up in footage from underneath this garden bed and people stopping it and creating a slow motion video

and determining that it was a leaf or a weed that was like blowing in the wind and it wasn't a hand. I mean, there's just so many, there's just so many different things that I'm just like, okay, we just need to let law enforcement do their job and then pick up on this when we can actually just speak of the facts. And then if we want to get into all of the conspiracies after it's all said and done, then that's one thing. It's a, it's a topic of conversation, but to speak on it when we don't know any more than what we did the last time that we talked about it, it's just premature. Agreed. That's fair. That is fair. I still think the parents had something to do with it. They know at least they know what Brian's plan was or is if he's still alive. Absolutely.

I just wanted to say everyone that has been sending me messages lately on my personal Instagram that are coffee combos listeners. I'm thankful for you. I see you. I can't respond to every one of them, but I do see you and I do hear you. And I just want to say thank you so much for the support. It does not go unnoticed. Agreed. You're like agreed my my IG too, also. No, I no, I wholeheartedly agree. Like you can't, I'm sure you get inundated with messages and you just can't respond, but I'm glad that you're acknowledging them because you know, still, you know, you are acknowledging them. Sometimes I go through and I just like read and cry and I'm like, wow, the world like really is good. Like there's so much goodness and it just makes me so thankful. But anyway,

I am Jackson has landed back in Atlanta and I am going to go and pick up my little guy. So if you guys have not followed us, everything that we talked about on today's episode resources, et cetera, will be on coffee combos podcast Instagram. If you have not followed us over there, it is coffee combos podcast. And if you guys have not subscribed to our show, you can do that on the purple podcast app for iTunes. You can also find us on Spotify and I believe any other podcast app also has us at this point. So I hope you guys have a great week and we'll talk to you soon. See you.