Coffee Convos with Kail Lowry and Lindsie Chrisley - 65: Relationship Experts, Parenting Struggles & Instagram Comparisons

Episode Date: February 7, 2019

Lindsie has Will on for a chat w/ relationship experts Greg & Amiira Behrendt. Will talks about how he's ok w/ Lindsie having a work wife as long as he is the home husband. They talk about being different people at 19 than 29. Comparing times that were effortless to times that are the most difficult. They talk about the highlight reels on Instagram & how life is a comparison game. Lindsie discusses the inner struggle w/ wanting perfection & why it adds a lot of pressure to their life.

Hey guys, welcome to coffee combos. As relationships are always a hot topic on this show, I've decided that in Kale's absence, we're going to take a closer look at relationships and all their glory. On today's show, we're inviting relationship geniuses, Greg and Amira, who co-wrote the book How to Keep Your Marriage from Sucking, along with many other great relationship books. And who better to join me on this episode than my husband, Will. Welcome, Will. Hey, thanks for having me back on. I normally say, hey, how have you been? But obviously, we live together. We're sitting next to one another. So how about we talk about some of the stuff that's going on this week? I know you took Jackson to get his first haircut,

or first real haircut today. How'd that go? It was great. I didn't tell him that he was going to get to get a big boy haircut, and it wasn't really something that I thought of in advance. But when we got there, there was two little boys that were getting styled cuts, and they looked roughly the same age as Jackson. So I kind of thought, oh, wow, it's probably getting that time. And Jackson was looking at their haircuts as they were finishing up. And there are several kids in his class that have little styled haircuts. So I thought, why not try it today? Yeah. And he was very proud of it. I got home, and he was sitting in the chair doing his

homework, and he kept kind of turning his head to the side so that way I could see that it's taken down on the sides and long on the top. And he really was proud of it. He wanted him to show it off. So I think he's going to do well with it. He got that little line down the side. I don't know what it's called, but... Like edged up. Yeah. He got it down the side, and he asked the lady as she was cutting it, he was like, Ms. Christia, is it going to grow back if it gets messed up? She was like, yes, honey, you come here all the time. It will grow back. Your hair grows like a weed. He was really

excited though. So one thing that I'm not looking forward to in Atlanta this weekend is the Super Bowl, but luckily we live far enough out that I don't think we're going to be too affected. No, I don't think we are. I had a conference in the city this past week and was down in Buckhead for the past two days, and it's unreal the amount of security and stuff like that that goes into an event that big. I was late one day and showed up and they had security and people out in fatigues and holding the AR night here, AR 15s in front of the hotel that we were having it at. And next thing I know, I see a couple of staffers for the

Rams come walking down holding armful of jerseys. And I thought, you know, that's a little excessive. I don't know that people want those jerseys that bad, but at least they're taking proper precautions. The sad thing is, is that there probably are people that want it that bad. Listen, to each their own. But Lindsay's right, we do live far enough away that we're not affected by it in a negative way. It's nice to have the light shed on Atlanta. And you know, it's a good, I think they're doing a good job with it. So keep it up Atlanta. In other news, I know that we've talked about our dog on the podcast before. And as a family,

we have collectively decided as of today that we are going to start taking the dog to day care a few days a week, because she's just really bad. And if y'all don't know, I don't, Lindsay is not necessarily a dog person. She likes the idea of a dog. She likes to be able to say that she has a dog, but she doesn't really like dogs. That's completely untrue. I don't like Della's personality because she doesn't have one. That's, and that's true. And in Lindsay's defense as well, she also does a lot more for the dog than I do, because I'm gone eight, nine hours a day. So she's the one who's bearing

the brunt of her barking and the feedings and walks and everything else. And then I get to come home and she's all pooped out for the day and she just wants to lay around. I've just never had a dog before that doesn't like to play with toys that doesn't really like have much of a personality. Della has very little personality. It's like, unless there's like cheese or chicken involved, there's she's not going to move. She will lay on top of a sofa like a cat to the point that she falls asleep and falls off that sofa either onto the couch cushions or on the other side onto the floor.

Yeah. One time I was literally laying on the couch for hours, one weekend watching Lifetime and I think Della fell off the back of the couch three times. And it's not because the couch is too small. It's because she's so lazy that she gets in such a slumber that she just rolls off the back of the couch. But I mean, long story short, Della doesn't have much of a personality. And she's very spiteful to me for whatever reason. I have no idea. I again, take care of her the majority. And she's just spiteful to me for whatever reason. So I'm going to try daycare.

Well, Bill says daycare is a waste of money for dogs. We will see if it works. So yeah, in my opinion, daycare for dogs is a bit of a waste of money. But so we're going to try it, see how it works. Hopefully it fixes it. I think I feel like my idea is the daycare for Della would be on the way to Jackson's school. And I could take him to school, take her to school, pick him up from school, pick her up from daycare and come home. And hopefully being around other dogs, she will get tired and worn out from playing because hopefully she'll have some form of personality there. And then

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talk about relationships, how do you feel about talking about it to me publicly? Publicly. We don't even do it privately. I'm just going to say, I don't know that we necessarily do that privately. So publicly is even more scary. But it'll be interesting. Obviously, I don't like to talk about those things publicly because they're private and it's something that you should keep one-on-one. But you know, it's a public form. You live a public life. And sometimes I get roped into that and more than willing to try and help you out here. What are your thoughts

about it? Are you looking forward to it? I am looking forward to it because I like to talk about feelings and I like to probably over-communicate things. So I think that communication in relationships is key. And I think that that's somewhere that we have failed along the way and has caused a lot of problems in our relationship. And I think it causes a lot of problems in a lot of people's relationships. Yeah, I agree. I think that's probably one of the biggest issues is lack of communication. Whether it's something that you're trying to hide or something that you're afraid to

tell your partner, whatever it is, it's never good to be quiet. And I know that I've fallen victim to that one too many times. But trying to be better. I don't think it's always necessarily a, I'm trying to hide something or don't want to hurt somebody with something. Then a lot of people I think are just like natural born bad communicators or it's something that they've learned from other people and they're just not good communicators. It's like a lot of things with environments that you're raised in can mold you in certain ways. I feel like whether that be good or bad. If it's a learned trait, then I learned it honestly.

Yeah, I definitely think communication because I think you learn what you, like you see it and then maybe is it like subconsciously you. I think you just kind of, especially growing up, you kind of mold around what you see your parents do. And if it works for them, then obviously it can work for you. But you know, everybody's different. But maybe what we think is working from what we see maybe isn't really working. Maybe not. Maybe it's just, maybe it's just an adaptation of being around it for so long. You just assume that it's working.

Because Will swears that he tells me stuff, but I swear that it's just him talking to himself and then he thinks that he's relayed the information. But I've never even heard of it before. And he thinks that it's because I'm not listening, which I actually listen to like everything that he says. And a lot of things that you say that you tell me you don't tell me. Well, sometimes that's true. Like the one time that you told me that you were going to Texas and Chick-fil-A less than like eight hours before your flight and you told me that you told me, but that was just

like a cover up. No, I definitely had told you beforehand. Now that's definitely something that I had said. I don't know that she was necessarily paying attention, but probably should have been better communicated over the course of a month and the lead up and everything else. And that's, you know, that's, that's where my faults are. I don't overly communicate things. Whereas Lindsay, as she mentioned, overkill, make sure that it's mentioned multiple different times in multiple different venues in multiple different ways. Because I feel like as a mother, you have responsibilities. Like there's certain responsibilities

that I carry on a daily basis that you don't carry those same responsibilities, but also vice versa. Like I don't work your job. So when I know that I'm going to be doing something that's going to have an effect on the entire family, then obviously I have to be a little bit more planned, like Kale and I are planning to go to LA. I'm not just going to let you know in Chick-fil-A eight hours before I depart and be like, Hey, you've got Jackson, you've got the dog, you've got work, you've got all these responsibilities. Good luck. Yeah. And it's so like, how would that feel? You know, I, I like to roll with the punches. So if that were to happen, I'd just be like,

okay, cool. But secretly, I'd wonder what was going on. Okay. So I think at this point, it's time to get some expert opinions on relationships. So let's welcome to the show, Greg and Amira. Hey, how are you guys so far? So good. How about you guys? We're good over here. We're really good. It's kind of weird without my co-host. I have my husband as a co-host this week, but my co-host is actually in Texas with her sister for her baby shower. And then we're getting ready to travel to LA to do some interviews with some people that I can't mention on the podcast because we don't want to spoil it. But yeah, it's weird not recording with your typical partner.

Well, I suspect you have a good partner in Will and you guys will do great with this new dynamic. How's he going to respond to the fact that he's not your typical partner? Will, how do you feel about that statement? Yeah, as her husband. Well, you know, I mean, you're going to have to live with it. So she's got, she's got her work wife and her, her home husband. So it's okay. Exactly.

Are you the, are you the home husband? I'm, I'm going to be the home husband soon. Yeah, I don't know if, I don't know, Jackson might push me out from there pretty soon. Oh, well, babies have a way of doing that. They like to steal the focus of the relationships for sure. Listen, buddy, the world is changing. I think there's going to be a lot of us home husbands in the future. So, That are pushed to the fringe by the children?

Push to the fringe by the children, but also by our working wives. So it'll be nice, man. We'll go for coffees and, you know, hit some golf balls, play some guitars. I think we can make it fun. Yeah, that would be the dream. I think that's Will's real goal. If you can get out and wake up, take a kid to school, go play 18, pick them up, homework, practice, whatever, that'd be great. I mean, you know, you hit some of those, some of those three, what do they call the three

parts? You hit a three part, I think you can do it. Just a pitch and putt? Yeah. Just a pitch and putt. Yeah, the school day is sometimes too short for a full 18. Yeah, and somebody has an emergency or they want to come home now because their stomach hurts. Or they forgot their lunchbox, blah, blah, blah, you know, kids.

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and start getting better hydration. That's liquidIV.com promo code COFFEE. Don't wait, get hydrated today. Tell our listeners a little bit about y'all's background so they can get invested in you guys. Greg and I have been together for 20 years. We've been married for 18 years. We have two teenage daughters. Mighty is 13 and true is 16. Together, we write relationship books. Our most recent book is called How to Keep You Married from Sucking. Before that, it was just an effing date. It's called A Breakup Because It's Broken. Greg is also the co-author of He's Just Let That Into You.

That was turned into a movie, right? That's absolutely right. With quite the cast of Stars. Was it turned into a movie off of the book? They adapted the book. The book's a self-help book, straight up. There's no narrative, but they adapted it into an ensemble picture with some of today's bigger... Hot of Stars. Hot of Stars. Yeah, Bradley Cooper.

Because you're young, Bradley Cooper, you're Jennifer Aniston. Got a Ben Affleck. Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson, yeah. Jennifer Connelly. Eve from Entourage. That's right, man. Yeah. Who was very, very kind. Very nice. Kevin... I know. He is actually really nice.

Kevin Connelly. Yes. I've definitely been drugged to more chick flicks than I'd like to admit. See, that's the joy of being in a relationship. We saw that one. For a minute, I thought you said you've been drunk to two-meat chick flicks, and I was like, well, that's the way to do it, man. I mean, I'm not a drinker anymore, but I get you. That's so funny because I thought I said I've been drugged to too many, so you and I both

heard it wrong. Yeah, we've been married for too long, and that just sounds awesome. It actually tickled me. Well, Will and I have actually been together for 10 years, and I feel like that's a long time to be as young as what we are. We're 29 years old, so it's kind of crazy. It is a long time because it's also that thing of you recognize that you're different people when you're 19 than you are when you're 29. You're still classically growing and evolving, and you do that both independently and together as a couple.

There's definitely a lot of growing pains that happen, I think, in all long-term relationships because we evolve and change at different rates, and our needs change vastly, and a lot of times we're stuck in old situations that used to work great that no longer work for one of us, and so it's interesting because we've gone through that a number of times because we've been together twice as long as you. Right, yeah, and that's a really hard thing, I feel like. When, like you said, you've been together for so long, it's almost, we didn't grow up together, but I mean, we were 19 whenever we met, and got married really young, and did the college thing together, and then bought

our first house together and did all the first together, and yeah, it's hard, though. Yes, totally, especially if you're comparisons with, like when you're trying to find what is good, if you're comparing it to things in the past, you will always be dissatisfied. But it's something that we're learning currently, that what has been, has already come and gone, and your relationship just has to evolve into the future, right? Yeah, I mean, I think we get caught looking backwards and stuck in nostalgia for these perfect moments of times when things seemed effortless, and so when we compare our present with times that were effortless where there was much less responsibility, like before

you had a kid, before you had a mortgage, you know, when your responsibilities were relatively minimal back in college, you know, it's really, it's comparing apples to dump trucks, they're totally different species, but you know, we hold on to the, like, how come it doesn't feel like it used to, or why isn't it as easy as it used to, and it's like, well, the whole playing, the playing field has changed, and you've changed, so it's hard, because you think that's where you set yourself up for failure, because I'm guilty of that for sure. It's like you're constantly comparing yourself to what you were, and when things were so much easier when you were just, you know, laying in the bed until two o'clock in the

morning watching law and order, because you had nothing to do the next day, and you were skipping class, you know, I mean, it's really easy life. But when you have bills and you have just life going on with a kid, it is very, very different. And, you know, when we were in school, and when you all were in school, I'm sure the social media stuff was not really around, like you had Facebook, right? That's all we had. Sure.

Yeah. And so now you see these picture perfect couples on Instagram, and it's like, okay, why is my relationship not like that? And you get stuck in. Why is my daily relationship not like the highlight reel of someone's Instagram? Exactly. But that's how you start comparing their highlights to your lowest points, and you're like, that's all so completely curated.

It appears spontaneous, but it's so curated, and we all know that. They were taking a picture during the moment that was supposed to be so great. You forget that like, you know, Amir and I just went back to New York yesterday to do the Today Show, right? And we took a couple pictures maybe at the Today Show, but we just hung out, and we tried to like be present with each other, because that's the way it used to be, because we were, I hate to say it, but we're pre-social media. But we don't think in terms of pictures as much as other people, as much as our kids

do. I don't need to prove to anybody. But it is hard. I do understand that it's the comparative nature of looking at something that visually is capturing an unattainable perfection, where the sheets are always crisp, and the pillows are always fluffed, and the coffee foam is perfect, and there's no clutter, and no Legos on the floor, whatever it is. It is, it screws with your mind for sure.

It can cause problems that don't exist. No one ever takes a picture of themselves with the flu. No one ever takes a picture of themselves sick, or throwing up after a party, or the day their pants don't fit, or, you know, there's just so many moments that are not captured in a lifetime together, you know? Absolutely. And, you know, I do think, especially for our relationship, I'm just gonna speak for us and not just everybody, but I have a problem with wanting things to be so perfect, and

it's just not. And the closer that it's not the perfect, the more perfect I feel like I want them to be, and it's like an inner struggle. Will, Will, does that feel like pressure to you? Oh, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of pressure with it, and we're kind of two polar opposite personalities in terms of she's very put together, wanting things to be perfect, and then I'm just kind of fly by the seat of your pants, whatever happens, happens, we'll make it work in the

long run. Yeah. So, I mean, that's the attitude, obviously everybody wants to impose their attitude, or their world view on the other person, so that's kind of where our biggest clashes come from. Oh, for sure, that it is that thing of like, you're the closest person in the world to me, why don't you do it my way? Why don't you think like me?

Why don't you want what I want? You know, we get to this place where we're projecting this thing onto our partner that we assume should just be there, because that's how it is inside our body, and it does, it leads to a lot of like bubbling resentments that if you don't diffuse them, they can do a number on your relationship. I mean, we say that from experience. And then also you believe that that's the way other people who are perfect are, and so the only person who's not like that is the person in the relationship who's holding

you back from this thing, because they can't read your mind. Perfection, by the way, is a word to describe fucking up, you know, if you want to be perfect, you're going to screw it up, because it doesn't exist, and if you're not perfect as you are right now, then you're missing it. You know, there's no there there, there's no arrival, you know, and also the whole reason I love Amira is because she's not like me, thank God, two of me would drown. We literally drowned in a bathtub, like I need so much Amira in my life, because I'm not like that, and I think a certain day she needs me too.

It just is what we were attracted to was the thing that was different. And then we get mad at each other. Why are you different? Because I always have been. Well, you don't be different anymore. Be me. This is nothing like the brochure. Yeah.

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it and got to be with each other at that age. You just have to realize that you don't know what the future is supposed to look like. It's just going to happen and when you first fell in love, the thing that was great about it was you didn't know what the future was going to be like and so you were so open and available to each other to sort of let things sort of happen and now you're not. Now you're trying to control all of it because you have responsibilities and a bigger life. Absolutely. I think that is such a hard struggle because you know what it was like to be so carefree.

And also in our situation, I mean, it was like we almost hit the fast forward button as well. Like it was carefree. It was easy college for three years and then marriage kid house all within a year. Yeah. A year. Wow. It was literally on hyper drive.

That's a shell shock. Also. Yeah. I think Lindsay, we were married and we got married in January, pregnant in May, you bought our first house in November. Wow. Yeah. And then had our first and only son in December.

So it was it was very fast and that was probably the biggest road bump. Just that major adjustment because you have all those things happening so fast and those are such major milestones and life events. It's kind of hard to take it all in and then, you know, we moved probably what three, four years ago. Yeah. And it was kind of like, okay, listen, it's time to hit the pause button and just reset, settle down and kind of live life as it comes.

Yeah. I mean, those are all, they're all really joyous occasions, but they're so high stress and especially once you have a baby, there's, you know, it's hard to describe it to people that don't have children, but the way your life shifts so seismically after you have a child and even at the beginning when they're like, well, they sleep 20 hours a day and it's like, but then how they only sleep if you hold them, they don't sleep if you put them down and no one can shower and no one can eat. And we, and you get into these, you get into this danger zone in the relationship of where

in when there's a new baby and something works and the baby is quiet and happy and content, all of a sudden that becomes the assumed thing that happens and it's never been agreed upon, but all of a sudden there's like this new division of labor or responsibilities or this is how things go because the tiny dictator said it worked once and then you start building these like unspoken habits and patterns and assumptions that might be really unsatisfying to one of you or might leave one of you really feeling separate from the other ones and it just starts making it feel so pressurized and the things that are supposed to be happy and wonderful all of a sudden have like this tinge of like, why aren't I loving this or

why, why am I resenting things or why does this hurt my feelings or, you know, what's wrong with me that I can't just love every second of how this has completely upended my life. You're going to get to a point in your life where you are going to miss having an infant and you're going to miss, I mean you will miss this part too. I think there's three now. Yeah, that's what I mean, but I mean you will miss the baby part too, like treasure all of this and it sounds so corny to say it, but it just is one of those things where

it all goes by so much faster than you want it to and so you have to just sort of kick back and go, man, we have a baby, it's healthy, we're working, we have a house. I mean, you have, you know, you really do have everything. It's like we live the American dream, but when you're in it, it's hard to actually realize it without taking that step back and saying, okay, look at what I have. And I know we go through that with Jackson all the time, it's, you know, if he cries because he doesn't get a toy, it's, you know, you step back and you explain to him, okay, well you have X, Y and Z, but as an adult, you don't ever do that with your own life

and say, okay, well look, I have X, Y and Z, what more could I want? I mean, literally you have to talk to yourself like your baby sometimes. You're absolutely right. You have to go, hey, wait a minute, slow things down, you know. There's all of this great stuff that I've been given that, you know, that I want to try not to take for granted. It's going to move much faster than I want it to. You know, yes, there are, it's hard to be with the same person for a really long time.

And it's hard unless you allow yourself to have discussions where you both get to say to each other, you know, some days you suck and if you can actually say to yourself, some days I suck. Like I don't, some days I have to wake up and be so grateful that I'm still in a relationship with anyone just as a person because I'm overbearing and selfish and, you know, the list could go on. And I'm perfect in case you were wondering. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You and me both. Yeah, right? Yeah. Greg, we're the imperfect ones, I guess. Yeah. No, totally.

And I need a lot of, but I also need, and I, and I require a lot, and I require more than, than she does. And that's the, that's a difference in us that's never going to change. I'm going to need more compliments and petting and attention and be, I would rather be told how great it would be to have sex with me than actually even actually have it. I just need to know that I'm awesome all the time. Yeah. I need, I need that too.

I need that validation. Yeah. You got to have it. Yeah. Will always tells me validate me. Well, I stole it from her. She did. She'd originally come out and said, you know, you need, you never validate me.

And I didn't know what it meant at the time. So I did some research and I'm like, oh, okay, well, I can start using this on my own, on my own agenda. So now, you know, you hop out of the shower and you feel like you're looking good. And it's, hey, validate this, right. And they want a different kind of validation. I find they want to be told, I know you're working hard. I see how much work you're doing.

I know you're doing more work than me. I know your life is harder. I know it's, I thank you for all of the millions of things that you do that I don't pay attention to. And you and I want to be told, you're so handsome, how do you do it? How funny are you? It's unbelievable how you can be funny and handsome at the same time and everyone loves you.

And really, if you said that to me every day, I'd be the, I would be the best. You'd be walking around, chest poked out, like you're the baddest person on the entire planet. Man, just once a week. And I would be the exact same way. Yeah. Oh, no. Just once a week.

Oh, those scrambled eggs, they rocked my world. Best I've ever had. Yes. But see, I just can't bring myself to doing that. I feel like if I have to do that all the time, then I feel like, okay, you have a self-esteem issue and you need to work on you. You need to worry about me less and you more. Well, there's, so there's a, there's truth in that, of course.

But I think what you're talking about is like, it's like just digging a bell, right? It's like patting somebody on the back, right? I can't get myself a steamer, but I'll tell you what will keep me going. If the, here's what you're thinking of. You're investing in, in the same thing that he's investing in, which is himself. He's investing in you. He want, you want to know that he sees you for the person you are, right? So if I tell you that, I'm going to get more of that.

If you, if you want more of the self-esteem, you have to ask for it and you have to, you have to, you can't tell someone to get some self-esteem. That's going to send them back a few clicks. But if you tell them that they're worthy or awesome or whatever, that's going to do it. That's going to be that. That's a little rocket booster. You know, we all have to take care of ourselves. What if you boost the rocket too much, you know, and it's like, okay, now that person

has gone from no self-esteem to now they're like the cock of the walk and I can't deal with it. And that's her biggest hold back in the validation is she knows that as soon as I get a little bit, then that's all it's going to take just to push me over the edge. Well, you have to decide what did you want in the first place. And also anybody else's, anybody else's confidence as a lack in you is really your problem. So if I give Amira a compliment and then she suddenly becomes all that and doesn't have time for me because she's all that because she, because that's what I wanted her to feel

like she should be, then I should let her be that and I should wonder why my ego is so fragile. Yeah. That's true. Right. It's all about at the end of the day, it's all about you, but it's also about being smart about, I tip somebody because they did something for me, not because we're pals. There are gestures that we make in life to let people know, hey, good job.

For some reason we get real stingy about that with our partners. And I don't know why. It seems like that's the first person that you would want to give that to. And I feel like Will and I are both stingy in that regard. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm not innocent by any means. I hold compliments pretty close to the chest, but it's a very good point. I never thought about it, you know, tipping your partner, that could be the title for

your next book. Yeah. Yeah. Keep your partner tip man. 20%. Yeah. Yeah. Robinhood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options and

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want to look good in their eyes as well. I'm not just doing it because wow, what a latte. I'm also doing it because I'm a generous guy and I want people to see me give a tip because I want to, because I also want to show people tips are important, right? And so I want to compliment my wife and I want to compliment her in front of my kids and I want to compliment her in front of my friends and I want to compliment her if we're lucky enough to go to do TV. I want to be able to have people see me say to her, hey, you're great because I mean it

because I wanted to feel it and because I get something from it. And see, I feel like sometimes our arguments come from, okay, if Will comes home sometimes he'll be like, oh, well, what did you do today? And it's almost comes across to me like I didn't do anything today and it's like, oh, you want me to give you the laundry list because I can tell you what I did and what you didn't do. You know, so it's like this tip for tat, right, sometimes it's scorekeeping, which is so healthy for relationship.

And also, here's where the problem is, you said he comes home and he says, what'd you do today? And then I think, so you've now changed it as opposed to your answer can literally be nothing and then be done with it. Which is fun. And also that is your business. If you did nothing today, that's what you wanted to do. He's not your property, I mean, you're not his property, you're not his project, you're

no. If nothing is good enough for you, I think what you're responding to is, you know, there might be a laundry list of things to do, and maybe you shouldn't have done nothing because all that is is sort of guilt. Well, I also think that there's a level of what I call the invisible work that women and mothers tend to do in a relationship. And I don't know anything about your relationship and how the division of labor, but I know in our relationship, you know, just keeping children alive and fed and in clean clothes

when they're young is exhausting. And there's all this stuff where you spend all a lot of your energy and your time and your love and your patience and your effort to keep things looking to the standard you like to live your life. But it doesn't like, if you repeat it back to somebody, what you did, it sounds small. And so a lot of times we're like, we're in the defensive because it doesn't sound as hard as it is, but it is so hard and it looks and it's sort of taken for granted that it just exists magically.

Like the Laundry Fairy shows up and does the laundry, I guess, or you know, and Jackson takes himself to preschool, you know, and yeah, and that there's food to make, yeah, there's food to make meals out of just shows up in the fridge. But when you when you have to break it down, there's an element that feels that there's like this weird feeling of shame about it's like it doesn't look like it doesn't look like it adds up to much, but it's actually really hard to do. And it takes so much letting go of your own ego to be of service to your family so that everyone else can thrive.

And there's a huge imbalance in what that feels like sometimes. And it's also very hard to validate that because as a compliment, what do you hey, thanks for taking the kid to school like sometimes they sometimes that doesn't settle it. It doesn't feel that's not really what you're looking for. And I and I because I don't know how to fall down on the floor every day in out of respect for the things that you do that I do have tons of respect for it. And I think probably in our heads, we also think, well, I'm also doing stuff. And then you go to say what that is, and you're like, well, I'm thinking of things I'm going

to be doing when I am going to be doing them projects, writing some stuff, you know, especially our business, which is so about creating something out of nothing, but you still got to think about nothing, you know, it's just some days, there's just an imbalance that is there between men and women between, you know, we have all we have girls. So there aren't as many inlets for me, you know, there aren't there when you really is a big difference when you have a boy, there is just stuff that people will just go, okay, that's a go do that with your dad. That's the thing you do with your dad.

With girls, there aren't that many natural opportunities really and our girls tended to be fairly girly girl. So they, you know, there are some there's not a lot for they don't want to go outside and throw mud. They don't want to drive it. They don't like it when I drive the car up on the curb for fun. Like, you know, it's just a different thing. They, there's, I did, oh my God, I did that once I drove up on, I thought if I was a kid,

my dad drove on the curb. I was like, my God, my dad's a daredevil. This is amazing. Look at him. He's driving down the street on the curb and my daughter was like, if you ever do that again, I will leave the family. You're an embarrassing. You're so embarrassing.

Dad, you're so embarrassing. Yeah. Oh my gosh, I tend to, you know, I tend to react the same way that you do. And that like, if, if, if, you know, just like an example, if Greg did say what you do today, like my initial instinct would be to take it, um, not, not as though he's asking out of curiosity, you know, I assign a motive offensively. Yeah. I saw, I signed a motive and I'm defensive where I'm like, he, he, you know, what, what

does he care what I did? What's he going to judge me on it? Like he loves me. He married me. And I, he picks me. And I don't judge you, I, I, I, no, that's not to say you're not going to judge me. No, I know. But I don't know where I go to the point where I get defensive as opposed to being like, oh,

I had breakfast with this person and I worked on this for the school project or I worked on my next book or blah, blah, blah, like guarantee you will and I both think you're better people than we think we are. And you both would be right. Yeah. And we both would be right. I want to commend you on being so smart. Both of you.

Yeah. I mean, do you, do you, right? You're like, I, there's no way in your head, you know, she does all the heavy lifting, right? Oh, absolutely. And that just is the way to the original question. It's never in a condescending sense. It's always in a, Hey, I'm just curious.

Or I'm just trying to connect with you. Yeah. And I mean, if you asked us on any given day, what'd you do today? Well, I went to work for eight hours, but I can't really tell you what I did there because it wasn't all, it wasn't very productive. Right, or it's not that interesting or it, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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free. Again, just text coffee to 30, 30, 30. Do you guys ever feel like that you've gone through in your relationship where you feel like you just have nothing to talk about? Yes. Definitely. Yeah. There's also times where I'm somebody that also needs more alone time than Greg does.

So Me too. There's just a thing of like a lot of times, you know, we might have nothing to talk about. There's also times where I'm just like, I just want to, I just don't want to be with you right now. Doesn't mean I don't love you or like you, but you know, sometimes, you know, you just need to recharge on your own and do something that just feels good, you know, in solitude to come back and be kind again.

You know, we're human. We're not meant to be awesome all the time. We were given all these emotions to, uh, to exercise them and to use them. So we're all allowed to have bad days or moments where we want to be alone and moments where we need to disconnect. And then, you know, it makes us better at connecting later. But we use the part where we were our best selves to punish ourselves. So we're like, well, we used to have something to talk about or we used to talk all the time

or we used to do this or we used to do that. Yeah. It's like, here's evidence. Here's evidence. And we didn't freaking know each other and we, it was new. And that will happen again. I mean, we, Amir and I have gone through periods of, I mean, I've definitely gone through periods where I'm like, oh my God, this is like, this is like we're dating again.

Like I get excited to see her. I can't wait to, she comes home or I'll just see her and think about how beautiful she is. Right. And then I have periods where we just walk past each other and didn't even know what happened. Like it, it just sometimes, you know, I don't think there's not everything has to be so loaded.

The only, this is the hardest thing people choose to do is I winnow it down to one person. Here's the one flavor you get for the rest of time. There you go. Yeah. And they're going to show you all of the worst things about them and they're going to endure the worst things about you and they're going to demand everything from you. Yeah. And we're going to hold them to this absolutely high standard that nobody can reach and then

punish each other forever. Enjoy. Yeah. Sounds great. It's crazy. I feel like, I mean, you think about like marriage was invented when people lived till they were 35 years old. Like it's crazy that, that we undertake it and it's brave.

And honestly, it's one of the things I'm most proud of in my life is that I've been married for 18 years, like that it's hard. It's absolutely hard. I mean, people will say, how's your kids? Oh, they're great. They're great. Well, yeah, they're not always great. It's hard.

How's your job? It's great. It's great. It's not always great. It's hard. And they go, how's your marriage? You're like, oh, that's work. That's a lot of work.

You know, we hold it to a different, we hold it to a higher standard. Yeah. And it's really the only thing that you're truly honest about with other people. Everything's great except for your marriage, but I think people who are married, they understand that it is a daily struggle and it's a grind. And it's something that you truly do have to work at for it to be successful. You have to work at it just for it to not suck. But also, but the Zen part of it is, you don't have to work at it.

And the thing, one of the things, because I'm in recovery, one of the things about doing something on a day-to-day basis is I just have to stay married until midnight. I just stayed married one day at a time, because I can't do, I mean, to promise yourself that you'll do anything forever is to doom it. But to say, right, that was the initial plan, right? Right. But if you treat it like a practice instead of an institution or an obligation. Yeah.

And I love it. Look, the upsides of it are I have a family and a life that I'm really proud of. You know, I still think my wife is my favorite person I've ever met. I just don't, although I'm willing to meet others, and I encourage that. You know, there are always selfish and childish wants that I have. Everybody is like, what would it be like to have sex with somebody else? What would it be like to not live with anybody at all? What would it be like if I had my own place?

Like, you're always fantasizing about some other thing. But at the end of the day, if I knew I was only going to be around for one more day, this is exactly where I'd want to be, and exactly with who I wanted to be with. And, you know, and I'm proud of it too. Another thing is it's hard because it's important. Oh, that's so good. I know I'm pretty deep. That's smart.

Very profound. I feel like for our listeners and for myself, as a mom, sometimes with marriage, it's hard. You're raising little ones. Even if you've got, I consider little ones like high schoolers, you know, kids that are still at home, and you've done like your whole, what you would say, like your daily duties and your husband's at work, and he comes home, and you're in sweats, and like you don't look cute, and you're just like, how can you even like me? I know that I mean.

But here's the thing. Like, how can you even like me, or is it like, how can you think I have the energy for sex right now? Like, is it a self-esteem thing of like, I'm not hot, I'm such a mom, or is it how can you think that I can do that right now? Because they're two different things. I think it's a combo. It's like both things.

It's like, okay, will you've been gone all day to work, and you've had the adult interaction I've interacted with actual zero adults today. I fought with Jackson for roughly five hours. I've done chores, and errands, and I'm in sweats, and my hair's on top of my head, and you come home, and you're spry as a spring chicken, and you're like, oh, yay, can't wait until the baby goes to bed because I'm ready to have sex, or I'm ready to, you know, do whatever. Okay, that's just not a thing.

But here's what's so funny about this, and I want you to look at the way you're thinking about sex right now. When you guys were having sex before the baby, or when you first started having sex, it wasn't about you having sex with me, it was about we're going to have sex. It's our sex. What I'm looking forward to is our thing that we do, that I chose to only do with you. But I need something because, quite honestly, that can be gotten on your own. I want to do that thing with you.

And so for the guys, when we haven't had a baby, and we haven't been through the, I'm telling you, there's a movie called Tully that came out last year with Charlize Theron about a woman who gets a night nurse, and it sounds dull, but it is awesome. And it really, really explains how difficult it is to have had a baby and then have a guy come home and want to have sex. It's really, really great, really funny, really interesting. But it's just hard for men to process what you've been through. And suddenly we're on the other side.

Now we're the, we're the, you almost feel like, wait, when did I become the bad guy? You wanted to have sex with me. I think you said when we got married, you wanted to have sex with me. And I don't think you want me to have sex with anybody else, but, you know. I know it is such a huge thing because I completely identify and relate to you because like motherhood is so exhausting. It's emotionally exhausting. It's mentally exhausting.

It's physically exhausting. You're never fully rested. You're always kind of fragile. And you're always running with like, by the end of the day, you have zero batteries left and the idea of having sex feels, feels like a pressure that you cannot perform to. And so it becomes, it becomes like so stressful and it's not, it's not enjoyable and it's not connecting. It literally is, you know, it becomes like a mental and emotional crisis because you're

like, oh my God, I just, I, we're not in sync at all on this. You have no idea how differently I feel and what a different person I am now and how it just is, it's hard to do anything at the end of the day. All I want to do is sleep until I'm done sleeping. And I know that's not going to happen until my kids at college, but like it's overwhelming. Yeah. And it's such a different mindset too. Like for me, like when I get home, my day is over and it's like, okay, you know, you

get that second wind, it's like, okay, I'm in my environment, I get to be in my house and then do my things. And then for her, it's like, okay, well, I've been in this house all day, you're home, my day's over too. I want to be left alone. Yeah. So she doesn't have that 45 minutes to an hour, you know, car ride to decompress and everything else.

And I think that that's what needs to happen. That's really smart. Get away. That's a smart observation and you're totally right because, you know, when every mother's day, Greg would say, what do you want for mother's day? And I'd say, I want a night in a hotel without any of you. He'd be like, offended. He'd be offended.

I'd be like, I'm never, I'm the only time I'm alone is in the shower. And even then sometimes people walk in and want to talk to me in the shower. There's no, there's no alone time once you're a mother and a wife and it's really crippling. It's emotionally crippling. Like you just never get that time to decompress and to, you know, rejuvenate in the self care aspect. And then you start feeling selfish if you want that because your person is so excited to see you and you should be excited back and you kind of are, but you really need a

nap or you really need to just, you know, have a glass of wine and look at a fashion magazine. Like you just need something for you. And but we've been so programmed to think that if you don't show your wife attention, if you're not, you know, like you think you're doing everything right. You're like, A, I'm not bummed out by the pregnancy or what they look like. B, I like you in sweats, maybe not as much, but I like you in sweats. And I feel like I'm supposed to be doing this thing that validates us and validates you because

I'm saying you're still a sexual being, which was a compliment nine months ago. So I'm, I'm, I've not been reprogrammed. I've not been walked through it. I haven't been given any alternatives because I can't, I can't stop my libido or my, my biology, right? And I'm, and I don't want to cheat and I don't want to look at pornography all the time. Like I don't, but I, I also don't know what to do with this thing that's very real for me as well.

And also, and also makes me feel better about who I am at when I go into the world or when I'm around you. Like it's a, it is a sex at the beginning is a thing that validates both of you. And then you both feel good afterwards and then you think, God, I feel, and I don't have to go anywhere else. This is where I have my sex and I feel good about it. So it's a really weird thing to just remove and then have everyone try and be okay with it.

You know, it really has to be talked about, I think, or, or, you know, some way has to be worked through it. I mean, that's when you have to start going, who's the sexiest guy? Who's not going to get to have sex tonight because I'm too tired or for, isn't it you? It's you. Who's so hot. God, if I was going to, if I was going to have sex with anybody, it would be you. It would be you and your fantastic abs.

So our listeners had sent questions. I did a thing on our Instagram and they wanted advice. So I'm just going to ask you guys the questions and you can just give your best shot. What is the best way to find yourself in a relationship you feel that you're getting lost in? Oh, that's really interesting. That's an interesting question. You know, here's the thing.

You know, when you get lost in a relationship, which can happen so easily, you know, it sort of is a product of being too accommodating and deciding that it's, you know, that you can have no needs. And at the beginning of relationship, you know, you get really, you're really into the idea of being like the super cool person to be around that has no needs and is really easy and likes everything that they like and what have you, which is not real. Cause once you're in a relationship, you should be able to renegotiate things or go, Hey, you know how I loved that you went and played golf for seven hours on Saturdays with your

friends? Well, now we have a kid and I don't love having to do everything by myself over the weekend or what have you. You need to be able to say, Hey, we might need to renegotiate some things cause things were great and I loved it, but I'm loving it less now. And so I want to kind of like open some things up to a massaging, re-discussion, re-negotiation because we do evolve constantly. It is easy to be so giving of yourself that you disappear in a relationship.

And it's also easy for the person who does more of the taking than the giving to assume that you're okay with it. So it really comes down to having hard conversations, but trying to have them in a way. And I'll add this one thing. The way to start off with it is to say, what can I do for you also? What can I do for you? Because I, I realize I'm lacking in this area or I realize I'm lost here and maybe I'm not doing something for you as well.

This is a two way street. This isn't me changing the rules and you trying to figure it out. This is us looking at what we have and me saying, this isn't working for me. What isn't working for you? Because sometimes you just have to do things that are not your favorite. And that's part of being a team, but it's also okay to go, I feel like we always do this your way or it's always your friends or your family or the things you like. And so, you know, I kind of feel like, is there anything you feel that way where I'm

not seeing it? Cause it's, it's time to floor some conversation. Let's have some topics that we're going to, let's get into it. Cause every year is a new year and I haven't been 17 years with you yet. This is my 17th year, right? Like every year is a new thing. What's 18 years is different than 17. Right.

Is that helpful? Right. Okay. Good. Good advice. Okay. This was probably the most commonly asked question. How many times a week is it normal to have sex? I'm so conflicted on this one.

Please help. Seven out of seven. Seven. Yes. I was going to say it depends on the number of years you've been together and the number of children you have. It fluctuates. Here's the best thing to do.

Do not put a number on a day or a month or a year. Yeah. Quality over quantity. Nobody has your life. Nobody knows how you feel. Nobody knows how you both feel. As you get older, you will see how much it takes to have sex. And I don't mean that in some funny thing.

It just is your life is complicated. Your body is different. Your priorities are different. Your worldview is different. Things are different. You've been together. You know, so if you feel okay and your partner feels okay and you've both discussed that you feel okay about the amount of sex you're having, who, who's again, whose business is

it? Right. It's nobody's. Yeah. I mean, it really is about an intimacy. You can have intimacy. Greater intimacy is not through sex. It's through shared experiences.

It's through getting through trials together. It's like when you get knocked down, how do you recover? That's intimacy. But is that a woman's perspective or a man's? Because I feel like Will's thoughts on intimacy is having sex seven days a week out of seven days. Right. And we're definitely not doing that.

Yeah. Of course. Well, Will is 29 years old. He'll be 30 in April. Yeah. Okay. So you're going to have sex. He's still testosterone 24 seven.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean that, that is. There will come a day, Will, when you were, you will choose taking an app or watching a television show over sex. Mark my words. Mark my words. It's funny that you mentioned that.

I, I heard that a while back and it was the guy who was on the radio, he'd mentioned that he realized he was old when he'd rather go to sleep than have sex. Oh yeah. It's getting there slowly and surely. Here's the thing. You have to, sometimes you have to look at what is it you, I'm talking about the men now. What is it you want?

Do you want, want, really want to have sex or sometimes do you want the validation? Do you want the, do you want the closeness? I mean, look. Do you just want her focus attention? Yeah. I mean, sometimes you just want. I think that's more so what it is. Yeah.

You want the focus attention. Yeah. I want you to lay in my lap or I want you to put, you know, hold my hand while we sleep. Whatever it is, like whatever, whatever those things are that work for you, those smaller gestures that are intimate, you know, I, you know, if you said something sexy to me in my ear or made me feel special or different than every other person in this room right now, you know, that's how you want to know. I am not, I'm the one guy who gets to hear your secrets.

I'm the one guy that gets to hear, to have, to get to hold your hand, to have your touch, to have your, you know, your confidence in a room full of people, in a, in a house full of kids, I'm still the, I'm your special person. I think that is what people want, you know, as far as, you know, the act of sex, you know, sometimes you just got to, you, you got to roll with your lady. And then sometimes you've got to, sometimes you just got to throw them one. I don't care if you're not in the mood, figure it out. Sometimes it takes, sometimes you don't think you're into it till you get there and then

you're glad you did. Right. And that's, that's sometimes that it's a little bit like, you know, I didn't want to, but once we got into it, it was all right. Yeah. That happens to me all the time. Yes. You actually have to get in there.

You have to actually make some sense. But also that's, that's the difference between men and women, men, men are, men are stimulated sexually and, you know, by, by sight and just by their nature, whereas women, you have to actually get, already be in motion to be like, Oh yeah, I guess I am getting turned on. Or yeah, this would be great because it's such, it's such an imbalance. It's, for women, or maybe it's just me, it's more emotional for me than just like the act of having sex. A hundred percent.

A hundred percent. And especially after you have a kid and you're tired all the time and you feel, you know, you feel the pressure of sex, like, you know, you have to think, stars have to really align. Like you have to feel like connected and supported and emotion and like emotionally like in sync to actually have that spark when you're a woman and a mother, like that the, you know, the playing field changes. But you have to, there's one real quick thing. You have to really make sure you don't embarrass or shame your husband for having sexual sex

drive that is bigger than yours and make you feel bad about it or make them, because look, you know, things like pornography exist for a reason. There's an overabundance of testosterone in the world that needs to be expanded, right? It just needs to be, right? And so sometimes, like, you have to understand, hey, this person's carrying around this thing that I don't have, that I don't feel like, that I can't imagine, and it needs to be, the gun needs to be fired, it just does. And that is just biological.

And so if you have some sympathy for that, some understanding, even some rules around it, but it is a thing to say, hey, I get that you need that. Right. And on the other end, Will and Greg, as a woman, you also have to lower the expectation as far as like, we'll have sex with you, but you want us to want to have sex with you. And sometimes we're just willing to have it, but we don't want to have it. And so it is that thing of like, let's get real about it. I know you want me to want to have sex with you.

I don't want to have sex with you. I don't want to have sex with anybody for weeks, but I will have sex with you. It's happening, but it's just for medical purposes only. It's, yeah, it's, it's literally, it's literally because I love you and I'm doing it for you, but I would much rather be sleeping. Like consider this your favor. Yes, exactly. I expect my car wash tomorrow and go.

Oh my gosh. And then this second probably most common thing that people asked about with relationships surprisingly was in-laws. And I don't know if y'all have good relationships with yours. You don't ever have any run-ins with in-laws. It was probably out of 2,000 questions. It probably came up 200 times. Wow.

Yeah. You know, it's, it's really delicate in that, you know, you have your person you're in a long-term relationship with and then your family and you're in the middle and they both have needs and you have loyalty to both and you have responsibilities to both and trying to navigate them is, is, it's delicate and there's so many egos involved and then there's the guilt. Like it's very, very complicated and sometimes it's really clear. Sometimes it's like your family sucks.

Mine's great. Mine sucks. Mine sucks. It's my family. Or vice versa. My family sucks. Yours is great. We're doing it with yours.

But, you know, there really is a proprietary thing that happens where, you know, you know, now that your parents, like, you know the idea of Jackson having Christmas with someone else's family sounds horrible. Right. The idea that your little dude is going to his girlfriend's family for Christmas, that's not going to fly. Like you can understand where feelings would get hurt or there would be assumptions made. So I think it's just a matter of, you know, set boundaries and be willing to hold boundaries

for your partner. As far as your family is concerned, be like, I'm going to set this family, this boundary with my partner's family, I'm set with my own family. And we have to hold to these out of respect to our union, but try to be fair about divvying up the time and the effort that you put into making all of the in-laws feel good. And those that are garbage, you know, if they're not great people, as not everyone has great parents, also feel free to hold a hard boundary. I think too, though, you get this once in a lifetime opportunity to spend time at the

factory where your partner was made. And if you really go in with, go in as an observer, like you're an alien from an alien planet, so you have to accept their customs, you have to learn their ways, you have to listen for a while, for a while, you don't have to, you don't have to accept and enjoy all of it. But if you can go in open and realize, you know, what your partner has to go through to have grown up this way, I mean, you really can learn a lot. And you'll start to see things that, you know, you'll go, oh, that's where she got that

button. Oh, that's what, that's why she acts like that, whatever, like that. It's really, they're really fascinating and, and you can, and you can love them at a distance as well. And also you get to leave, we're, we're, we're very lucky in that both of us loved our parents and both of us had, you know, within the, you know, warts and all, we both had great families and I adore her family and my family adores her and, and she mostly loves my family. And you know, so, you know, we've been real lucky in that way.

We have a rule here, which is we're, we're the main family now of our lives. The main family is the four of us and we do what's ever is best for that family. And if it means that all family doesn't get together, then all family doesn't get together. And that means that we don't go someplace some years because that's not what's best for this group. We, we, we are the most important family. My mom, I was wondering, my mom said, from here on in, this is your bunch and you decide what you do.

And if it doesn't suit us, so be it, then we'll have to live with our feelings. That's a pretty good rule. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty simple. Really clear. It's, it's, it's the two of you and Jackson. That's it.

And tell, and so what, what serves the three of you best? Cause your job is to give Jackson an environment where he feels safe and, and, and, you know, and fine, and it's good, it's warm. And it's hard to get that concept. You say it and it sounds so simple and so easy. But then whenever you actually start thinking about, oh, well, you know, it's my parents and you don't want to let them down. You don't want to hurt their feelings when you take a step back and you're like, well,

you know what, there were probably times that they did the same thing. So it's becoming an adult, becoming a parent, becoming a husband, father, yeah. And also if you could just, if you can just communicate that and be like, I'm sure you remember what this was like, right? And I'm sure you understand that I need to do what's best for the three of us in this situation. Or you know how it is, like you just, like, if you just, you know, kind of feel free to lob that out to your family of like, Hey, you know how it is, you know what it is within

laws and holidays or family dinners or whatever. And, and, you know, right now it's going to take a pass. Love you. And sometimes your parents, look, if your parents feelings can be hurt, which they shouldn't be because they're the parents. If they can be hurt, then they have a boundary that they have to learn about, you know, sometimes you just have to, sometimes you have to behave in a way that which the other person has got to learn their lesson.

And yes, if it hurts their feelings, maybe their feelings need to be hurt. Maybe they need to, because they, they have to learn a lesson. Whenever we set a boundary for ourselves, all we're doing is protecting ourselves from getting hurt. And, and if that makes somebody else feel bad, well, then maybe they've got something that they need to fix. Yeah, absolutely. And I think this year during Christmas was really the first time that we kind of set

the foot down and it was like, we were going out to my parents house after and it was okay. Well, you know, we want everybody to be here by 12 o'clock and it was, well, I'm sorry, that's not realistic for us. You know, we're not waking up at six o'clock in the morning to, to do, wake our child up to do. Yeah. Nobody like wakes their kid up and then, you know, rushing to get dressed, eating breakfast, rushing out to your house.

So I think, I think that's a really good mindset to take. And we're the only one that has a child. So I was just going to say, it should be about him. It should be about him. Yeah. And I mean, they do a great job of when he's out there, obviously it is about him. And I don't know if it's them selfishly saying, oh, we want to see him as soon as possible, which I'm sure has a lot to do with it.

Of course. You have multiple people's different schedules and now my brothers are, are starting to pair off and girlfriends and wives. And it's like, now you have to deal with other people's in laws and their schedules. Yeah. But see, Will's a lot more of a people pleaser than I am because Will will never tell his parents. No, it's always like probably nine text messages in until he gets to the point of like, okay,

we're not doing that. Whereas I'll just be like, no, we're not doing that. He has a lot harder. Of course. We're just putting them down, you know, and I'm just kind of like, okay, well, that's not realistic for us. Or I'll just flat out say, you know, y'all don't have kids, so it's not really up to you.

We're the only one that does. So it's really, you know, our choice. And maybe that's selfish. No, it's actually, I think it's really important. I think it's really important that you are clear about what is realistic because what you're saying is, I don't want to create, I don't want to create drama here. That's not possible for us. Like, you know what's right for you.

You know what's right for your family, and you know what's possible with a three-year-old. And also that it could change in any second. It's setting yourself up for failure. Why do it? And I think sometimes your family, look, I mean, and I feel like this is a man, they're just a period of time where you're going to have to go, look, man, this is my family. This is how I'm running the ship over here. This is how we've decided to do this.

This is how we're doing it. If it isn't okay with you. And I never feel bad about those decisions. I feel guilty about a lot of things, and I love my parents, and I want to spend time with them. And there are things that are important to my family. They're not as important to Amira. And there's things that are important to her family.

They're not as important to me. That's just life, right? But what is really important is that my kids see and feel like their dad took care of them and that they felt like they were the most important part of the deal, right? Because as soon as Jackson's eyes are open, he's watching you. He's watching what you're doing. And he's watching who you are and the way you make decisions and the way he feels. And that is such an easy thing to guide your life by.

Yeah. And as long as you're operating from a place of love where you can go, you guys want to start at noon, you should totally start at noon. We're going to get there around three, like, yes, do your thing. If I see you, I see you. If we see you all passing down the road, we'll wave. Yeah. Exactly.

I wish it did. That sounds great. I wish we could be there that time. We're not going to make it until three. So, you know, can I bring muffins, whatever. But it's fine. It's fine to set the boundary and to recognize that, you know, you're having a child just it requires structure and consistency and giving yourself a break and not trying to

please every person in the world and every person in your family when the reality is, if he wakes up with a fever or an ear infection, everyone's day is changing anyway, right? Like you have to serve what works for you because then you're not going into a situation where people are mad because you're late or you're mad at each other trying to get out of the house. Like it just ruins everything if you don't set and hold a boundary that works for you. And it's such an easy thing to get behind. You'll never have a thing that's more clear and more defined than the health and well-being

of your child. Right. So, beat everyone else be damned if it doesn't work for them or they did it differently. You know, well, when you were kids, we just put you in a, okay. Yeah, we just put you in the car. You didn't get to choose when it happened. Yeah, right. Well, we're going to be different parents than that.

We want our Christmas to be less stressful for us too. Because quite honestly, if we were psyched about it, but that we want to do it different. And also change is good for everybody, dad. Yeah, I know, I feel like that's such a struggle. So many parents go through hearing from their parents, you know, well, this is what we did with you and this is what we did with you. And it's like, okay, well, Will and I are now a unit and what his parents did and what my parents said were two totally different things.

So we're trying to figure out, you know, like what we're going to do. It's just too chaotic. I don't really care what they did or what they didn't do. I know what I'm doing. So that's what I've got. Exactly. The holidays are not truly stressful until you're actually an adult and a parent. That's when it really becomes stressful.

I found it the way the hierarchy worked was it was all up to whether our daughters names are true and mighty. So we, it would all be about what would work for them and then what would work for Mira and then what would work for me. And then I would be the communicator and say what we were doing. And my job would be, at least in my family and would be the person that would say, this is how this is going this year. You know, we're not coming up for Thanksgiving.

See, I have to be that. Yeah. Lindsey's the authoritarian figure because we'll say anything. Here's how you get yourself laid buddy. Here's how you start to have more sex. Take that job and say, listen, I'm calling on behalf of the family. You know, we're not going to make it because it's just too much for the kid. That's what we've decided.

That's it. There's not even, there doesn't even have to be a discussion. We're sorry, but we'll get there when we can. We'll do the best we can, you know, or you guys can come here or we can change it. But we really want to stick with what we've, what we've decided to do. Anytime like there's a hot button or like a hot topic that comes up, Will is like a recluse. He just doesn't say anything.

And then I feel like I want to get my point across and I don't really want to say anything either, but I know if I don't, then he won't. So then it's like, okay, well, do I say it? Well, yep, I'm just going to say it. And now I look like an idiot and he looks like the innocent one. There's also no finesse behind Lindsay's, I guess, responses. It's very blunt and straight to the point. So yeah, I should probably stand up and do a better job of communicating plans.

Communicating in general. Yeah, I think just figure out what you're, I mean, you have to look at what it is it's making you, I do that all the time. You know, what is it? What's my hesitation here? I know what I want. Why am I not saying it? Why am I so afraid of hurting these people's feelings?

Why am I, you know, a mirror, a mirror is a little bit of a viper. She'll get in there real quick. And sometimes I, I wish I'd gotten in there because I can finesse things a little bit more. But also I just need to get my courage up and I know there are things about myself. You know, I'm always trying to grow as a man, even at 55, I'm still trying to be a better man. And, and, and, and I want, ultimately it's like, who's respect do I want?

Do I want my parents respect or do I want my wife's respect? Who am I trying to please here in this moment besides myself? If I agree, but I'm not saying something, why am I not stepping up for my wife instead of my, you know, you do sort of at a certain point, you have to pick a team and people will do you have to be selfish and people want to be told by the way, in life, people always want to be told, but they'll, if, but if you don't tell them, they'll push you around. So sometimes you got to go, this is how we're doing it. Love all of you.

Got to go. Click. You know, click and I love all of you. This isn't about me not loving you. This isn't about me not thinking you're great. This is not. I don't like this, the beachhead on which we, which we, which we land this thing. You know, let's, you know,

It's not a personal attack on anybody. It is a what's best for me and mine. That's right. I've tried to explain to Will like before that when you get married and you have a child then like that's your family and that your parents, yes, that's your family, but that's extended at that point. Like that's not your, yes, it's an immediate family, but it's not your household and like what you're living with every day.

So like, Hey, make me happy and like say something so I don't have to. And now I look like the fool. It's a challenging situation. I totally, I totally hear where you're coming from. And I, and I also, I also know that it's hard. It's hard as an adult child to stand up to your parents or to feel like it's okay to do so, but it is okay to do so. And they did it, they did it when it was their turn and they also are going to be more understanding.

A lot of times, you know, we all have blind spots and you know, even your parents have blind spots, you know, they, they might not be looking at, at, at your, at life from the same perspective you are. And if you say that, you know, uh, that's a hard pass, we're not doing that. We have a three year old or we have her family or we've got another obligation. As soon as you remind them that your world is different, I'm sure they'll be like, Oh, of course. Yes, of course.

We'd even think about that. Or how would we know that? Or like it just is, you know, we're so, we're so afraid to upset our parents because we're so used to being in the role of child, but you know, they, they'll be less upset than you think. Like we're still putting these like little kid perspectives on adult relationships that aren't actually what they are anymore. Right.

Um, I did want to ask you guys about your book before it's time to go and where our listeners can get it. If they need relationship help, uh, we have a number of books. You can buy them all on Amazon.com or Barnes and nobles.com or at bookstores. Our most recent one, how to keep your marriage from sucking, uh, is out now. And we also have a podcast called maybe it's you where we talk about relationships stuff. So, you know, your listeners can look us up on a number of outlets. Yep.

And our Instagrams are actually a mirror. Yeah. And it's Gregor's perfect. I'm going to look you guys up and definitely tune into your podcast to, um, feel kind of normal and a not normal world. Oh my God. You guys are normal though. You're totally normal and you're right on schedule.

You're right on schedule with all, with all of the conflicts, with all of the trials and tribulations. Like this is, this is what a marriage is. This is what a long-term relationship is, is like you are navigating all of these storms together and there's going to be more down the road, but it just is, um, learning to do it together is what is, you know, that's, that's the winning combination. That's true intimacy. Well, thank you guys so much for coming on.

It's been a pleasure having and being able to chat with you guys. Well, thanks for having us on. You were both delightful to talk to you. A lot of fun. And you did a great job. Well, you did. Well, ACEs. Thanks.

Affirmation. Thanks guys. Take care. All right, guys. I think that's all we have time for today. If you haven't followed us on app coffee combos podcast on Instagram, make sure that you do that. And if you have not subscribed to us, you can do that by searching the purple podcast

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