Coffee Convos with Kail Lowry and Lindsie Chrisley - Feeling Fulfilled In Motherhood

Episode Date: March 23, 2023

CC276: Kail is back from her trip to Thailand! Peace no more, and speaking of peace, Lindsie talks about her house being her safe peaceful place and not wanting to let anyone step into her home. Today's topics brought to you by the Facebook group! Do you feel accomplished as a stay-at-home mom? Someone secretly plans their divorce, Kail wants to read more often, and Lindsie talks about the atittude changes after her recent breakup. Check out our Instagram @coffeeconvospodcast for more!  Thank you to our sponsors!Kikoff: Apply right now at Kikoff.com to start building a better credit scoreMood: For 20% off your first order and FREE gummies, go to hellomood.com and use code COFFEECONVOSStarbucks: Starbucks Coffee, ready for right now. Shop the full line-up online or in-store, wherever you buy groceriesStir: #1 Dating App designed for single parents. Download Stir or tell your single friends to try it out!Treehut: Shop at Ulta, Target, and Walmart, online and in-store. Check out treehutshea.com/podcast for more detailsVegamour: Go to Vegamour.com/coffeeconvos and use code coffeeconvos to save 20% on your first order

Today's episode is brought to you by Starbucks Ready to Drink Coffee. Tune in to Moments That Matter with uplifting boost of Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino chilled coffee drink available now online or wherever you buy groceries. I hate gift-giving and receiving. Receiving gifts is so weird. What do you say thank you? This is Coffee Convos with Kale Lowry and Lindsey Chrisley. I really want you to be in your feels, Kale. That does not interest me whatsoever.

I feel very attacked by you. A spirited discussion about motherhood, friendship, family, and life in the public eye. I'm just not with the fakery anymore. There's a fakery bakery around here. Here's Kale and Lindsey. Hello, Lindsey. This is not the vibes that was just on our text messages.

Oh, it's not. Well, I love that color on you. That color is such a fucking vibe. Where is that hoodie from right now? Specifically Nike. Okay, so I'm not going to be ordering that, actually. I'm trying not to spend money right now. Wait, first of all, welcome to Coffee Convos podcast.

I'm so glad that you're back in the United States. Back in the United States, back in the same time zone. Yeah, I don't know what was going on with your life. I was 12 hours ahead of you guys, and I literally told my kids as soon as I got home and I walked in the door and I was like, oh my God. And I hugged everybody and I was like, listen, I was like, I'm not giving you your presence,

like your souvenirs, until I shower. I had been in the same clothes for 35 hours with traveling and heat and everything else, and I was sweating through a fucking airport. I was like, I love you guys to pieces, but we cannot take this any further until I shower and wash my ass. You know what, I don't really have a desire

to travel internationally. That's something interesting about me. I don't know if you've ever talked about it before. Outside of Mexico, because I love going to Mexico. Outside of that, I have zero interest, and that even furthered me having any type of interest in going because I shower three times a day. Oh, in Thailand, when I tell you that I shower three times a day,

I'm not kidding. Like, I'm not fucking kidding you. I did not play around because that heat is something different. Like, I think it's just being closer to the equator. Speaking of Mexico, I got Summer. Do you guys, I don't know whoever's listening. If you guys remember Summer, she is now an attorney, and we've had her up multiple times on Coffee Combo's podcast.

Are you going to her wedding? I got the invitation, too. I got to save the date, and I texted her, and I've never been to Cabo. Oh, I have. It's very vibe-y. I feel like it's like the perfect place to go with a significant other, or like, you know...

Like a vacation. Yeah, like a vacation, for sure. Because for anyone who's listening, who wants to go to Mexico and hasn't already been there, personally, I hate Cancun. Cancun is very much... The way that I think of it is like, where in the United States, where locals go on vacation, like for me, it'd be like Dewey Beach or Rehoboth Beach.

That's how Cancun is to me. I just don't think it's as pretty as, like, Tulum or... That's so offensive, because I love Cancun. I just feel like you haven't stayed at the right place. I do. I will say, if you're going to go to Cancun, you have to go to the Moon Palace. And I went and stayed at Moon Palace

because Lindsay told me about Moon Palace. That one, and possibly the new Nickelodeon Resort, it would be the only two places that I would like in Cancun. Because I feel like Cancun is very overrated, and everyone goes there, but people need to look at, like, Tulum, Cabo, and, like, other places in Mexico. Also, those are two places that you would do a vacation. Okay, makes sense.

Like, I feel like I'm not going to... Actually, Will's been ragging on me lately because he has Jackson this spring break. And so, remember, I took him to Florida, and I was just, like, living my best life last spring break, and such a good time. And now, the FOMO is, like, starting to sink in, and nothing's even happened yet.

But we'll keep saying, I'm taking him to Tulum. And the only reason he's saying that is because he knows that, like, I desperately want to go. I just don't have, like, said bay to, like, go with. Right, right, right, right, gotcha. Well, my said bay doesn't have a passport and also has no desire to travel internationally. So, that's where we're at with that.

Maybe Elijah and I can travel together since neither of us want to go international. Like, he doesn't even want to go back to Hawaii after he lived there. Hawaii's, like, one of my favorite places ever to go. Same. Can I show you this that I got today when I was, like, perusing through Target?

And I want to know if they have them at yours. What is that? Vanilla cake pops. I haven't been to Target in, like, at least a month. Like, in their bakery. It's fresh baked. We don't have a bakery in ours. Huh?

We don't have a bakery in our target. I think everyone has it. Do y'all have groceries? Yeah. Yeah, then I think you have a bakery. But, like, this is four cake pops. I thought this would be perfect for, like, Jackson's school lunch to, like, put a little, like, sweet surprise on it.

Oh, that's so cute. Because he loves cake pops. Yeah, my kids fucking love cake pops from Starbys. Yeah, but they're kind of expensive, and it's, like, not enough. $3 for a cake pop. $3. It should be, like, a dollar.

And it's, like, literally the size of, like, a nugget. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Outside of that, I need to tell you, I'm making spaghetti sauce when we get off of this recording. Like, homemade.

Yeah, got all this stuff. I got this new pot, and Kristen was, like, laughing at me because I didn't know how to say it. Tell me if you know, like, the brand, and I'm probably going to say it wrong, but it's, like, like, Chris, like something. Like, what did you just say? It's, like, like, Chrisette or something like that.

Haven't you seen those pots? No. No. Yes, you have. Everybody wants one. And they're just, like, expensive. And I splurged and got one from QVC. They had it on a deal.

Of course you did. Oh, lay, Chrisette. No, I've never heard of this. I'm looking it up right now. They had it on a deal, and I've been wanting one for, like, a really long time. And I bought a dupe from, like, Sam's Club a couple of years ago.

And it just, like, it wasn't as cute. And it's, like, really about the aesthetic. So I got one, and I'm going to make spaghetti sauce in it today. First of all, one of them is so expensive, but they are really pretty. They are really pretty. They are really pretty.

So I'm going to do that. And then, you know how I had promised that I was going to, like, do the sweet tea thing on here? Have a special guest who is making the sweet tea and sent a minute and 50 second video to me this morning, bright and early. Love that. So for anybody who is listening to this,

you can find that on, I believe it's going to be on Reels on Coffee Combos podcast and Scram. Perfect. Am I allowed to ask how you're recording with Nanny when? Well, you just busted the bubble. Nanny is coming on the Southern Tea. It's going to be a couple of weeks before air. It's because we did a whole video element, very cool.

The only thing I wasn't a fan of was working on a Saturday. Also, not a fan of, like, keeping big secrets like that. Great grandma advice. She thinks she has the best advice. She tells us that she has the best advice. She probably does. I think that she's insane. Did you record in person, like, for the video element?

Or is it like this? No. We recorded in person. I had multiple guests on that Saturday. And so it was a lot. And I was exhausted by the end. And I told her, I was like, listen, we're going to get in this vehicle.

And you specifically aren't going to talk. Not you specifically. And I am going to get you wings. And I'm going to get you a salad. And you're going to go home. And you're going to take a shower. And you're going to eat that. And then you're going to rest.

And she was like, honestly, I got the best sleep at your house ever. Oh, she stayed at your house? Yeah. But my house is so peaceful. And I don't just say that because it's my house. But I, like, really have, like, a peaceful existence in this house.

Yeah. I have manifested, like, this peaceful existence here. And I don't like chaos in this house. I don't like dysfunction in this house. Like, I'm very, I'm very weird about it. I'm very weird about letting specific people in here. Like, there's people that I have literally told, like, I don't like your energy.

And I don't want it at my home. Well, I mean, I think that's, honestly, is the best policy. So, I mean, even if that sounds a little abrasive, I feel like that's your space and you should protect it at all costs. That's your piece, your space, your, you know, all of that.

So protect it. Do you feel at peace at home with as many children as you have? Never. But, like, where do you go to get that piece? Because, like, mine is home. Thailand. No, I, there is a sense of peace in my house

with the chaos, but it is a different kind of piece than I think you would think. Like, when my kids are all getting along and, like, we have a good day and a productive day and everyone's tired at the end of the day, that is very peaceful and everyone's just kind of, like, chill. That's peaceful for me.

But what you're describing as peace is not, like, what I would say is peace for my house. OK, I need to ask you this question, because I definitely feel more at peace with Jackson's existence in this home than I do. I know he's perfectly safe and fine with Will, but knowing that, like, he's under this roof, yeah, and, like, I can see, hear, like, physically,

like, be with him. Yeah. I feel, like, more at peace. When Lux and Kreeter away from me, I'm not at peace at all. Like, at all. Do you have anxiety just, like, the whole time? Well, yeah, especially while I was gone on this trip, specifically, because I tried to make a rain,

Chris allegedly was going on a trip, which is fine, because our birthdays are six days apart. He said he wasn't going to be able to take the kids for the first half of my trip, so I made arrangements for them to go with his mom. And then he lost his fucking mind, so I canceled with his mom and, you know, stuff like that. OK, two things from that.

Will and I have a very, like, fluid line of communication, like, we're favorites on each other's phones. And if something's going on, like, I immediately alert him, or he immediately alerts me, or, like, if he's going to be late to school, for example, he'll be, like, hey, there was, like, an accident, or, hey, there was, like, traffic. If you do get a notification, like, that's what it is,

but, like, everything's fine. And, like, vice versa, I do the exact same thing. Do you feel that that is more common in co-parenting or not, because you have three different situations to compare it to? I think that, so that's what I, usually, that's what Joe and I and Tavi and I do. I think a majority, like, across the board for other people,

I don't think that's typical. I think people that have, like, a good, healthy co-parenting have that, but that's more fewer and far between. I'm not saying it doesn't happen at all, more of the only ones that have that, but I do think that it's less common. OK, and then I have a friend who went through a divorce, has kids, and when he has his kids,

the mom doesn't talk to the kids. And when she has him, he doesn't. And it said that it makes it, like, an easier transition, because it's kind of new. And so when they hear from the other parent, they want to, like, be with that parent, or they don't understand. We've never operated that way.

Did y'all ever do that, or you said that Chris, like, you don't talk to the kids? Chris won't answer my texts or calls if he has them, like, so I stopped trying because he doesn't answer. But, you know, if I ever called Joe and talked to Isaac, like, he would allow it now that they have their own phones. Like, I text them and FaceTime them and whatever, but that's how it's always been with them.

Like, there was never a time where I didn't have access to them. All right, let's talk about hair really quick. I actually didn't bring any hot tools with me to my trip because it just was too much and the heat was insane. But typically when I'm at home, I curl my hair several times a week. But from curling and straightening to hairspray and overbleaching, which is something that I do,

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See your hair's full potential with Vagamora. Go to vagamora.com slash coffee combos and use code COFFEECOMBOs to save 20% on your first order. That's V-E-G-A-M-O-U-R dot com slash coffee combos. Code COFFEECOMBOs to save 20% at vagamora.com slash coffee combos. So in my parenting plan, we have a whole clause in there about the communication. And I know we talk a lot about parenting plans on here

have before and have on the kitty gang telegram like private chat. It's said in my parenting plan that you have a right to communicate with your child one time a day within certain hours. And that the other parent has to allow you the form of communication that you choose. So whether that be a phone call, a FaceTime or whatever, they have to allow that. I have that in mind with Chris as well,

but he does not follow that. The hardest thing co-parenting, in my opinion, are the holidays and birthdays because in my family, we always celebrate holidays and birthdays big. So if I was dealing with that, I don't know how I would cope. Like for example, even Easter coming up, I had Tex Will because I wanted to do something special for Jackson. And I said, Hey, like, I know you have him for spring break.

Like, are you guys going to be home so that I can celebrate Easter with him? Not asking for him on Easter day or anything, but is there any alternative day that like, maybe I could get him for a couple of hours, do an egg hunt at my house. I'm trying to put together like one of those little styled picnics. I just think they're so cute and do his little Easter basket and set up like yard games and stuff.

And yeah, Will came back with two dates. He was like this one or this one? I wish all co-parenting was that easy. So in my co-parenting plan with Chris, it says, number 16 communication, both parents shall be entitled to reasonable communication with the children while the children are in the other parent's care. The court notes that due to the ages of the children,

the court believes daily or every other day, telephone contact is reasonable. And like I said, there was a time where I was calling and he just wouldn't answer and wouldn't call back. So I stopped because I'm not going to make myself upset. I'm not going to argue about it. Yeah. Okay, wait.

So we need to get to this topic that was in the Facebook group. Yes. So I saw this and I tagged Kristen. It is if you are, somebody posted this, if you're a stay at home parent, how do you feel accomplished every day? And I'm going to go back and I want to read the comments because that is a really good question.

And I think part of my experience as a stay at home mom, I have always been like a work at home mom, basically since I've had Lincoln, you know, working mom, working mom, working early. And so part of the part of the reason I went back to college to get my degree was because I wasn't fulfilled. Like, yeah, I love being a stay at home mom, but that didn't fill my cup all the way up.

And so that was part of the reason why I went back to school to get my degree because I just needed something. I needed something for me. It honestly was a big thing at the beginning of Chris Lee knows best because Will and I had made a decision that I was going to be a stay at home mom with Jackson until he started kindergarten. And my parents, not that they really voiced issue,

but it was more of like a, coming from a concerning place at the time and before therapy, I probably would have said they were bitching me out and trying to control my life and, you know, whatever. But I think it was, my dad had been there with two kids and didn't want to see me do same things that he did that didn't end up being fulfilling or fruitful. Right.

And I do think that you have to be very careful if you are a stay at home mom to not lose your identity solely in motherhood and your child specifically, not just motherhood, but like your kid because that is, my dad always told me since I've had Jackson that I am with Jackson the way he was with me. And he found fulfillment in me

and that was a heavy burden to place on a child. Agreed. And I don't think that parents even realize the heaviness and the, and I guess the seriousness of that, like that is, it's kind of like when people say that they have a child to love them unconditionally. And like I've been there too, like I think there was a part of me at one point

that was like, well, I'm going to have Isaac because that's a baby for, that's a child to love me unconditionally, something that I never had. But to expect that from a child that didn't ask to be born, like they don't owe us shit. They don't owe us anything. And so that is a very heavy burden to place on a child. I definitely agree with you there.

So some of the comments on here, on this thread, someone said, you don't, LOL, you just get up and keep on pushing, keep pushing on. Like that's sad. That makes me very sad for people because even if it's self-care on a Sunday where you're taking a bath and you're getting fulfilled in other ways,

then don't include your child. I feel like that's so important. Someone else said, well, I totally decided I'm changing the narrative this year. Instead of me being home to support my husband's career, I'm looking at it as he works to support me staying home. I run this shit. He's sacrificing being gone, working to support my life.

He's literally the best man ever and has never acted controlling or anything. So the feeling of me being home and feeling unaccomplished was a me issue for sure, regardless of what was done around the house. But this is my bad bitch era. And even if I do nothing around the house, I feel accomplished.

And I feel like that's, that is all about perspective. If that fills her cup and that makes her feel good, then that's great. But for me, I just didn't feel like staying at home was enough. When I was doing it, I felt fulfilled because it's what I knew until I started incorporating, you know, filming and then influencing and podcast, whatever. I realized that I'm not only a mother.

Like that's not the only title that I can have is like a housekeeper, a mother, a short order cook, you know, like whatever. Like I have to do things that also fulfill me. And I think that a lot of people miss the boat on that because they aren't fulfilling themselves and then wonder why they can't fill the cups of other people because their cup's not full.

Period. Well, I know that you had been asked hundreds of times on just the various videos that you posted from your trip. Where my kids are. Where your kids were. And I think it's important to realize when you're co-parenting, even though you did in fact give up two days to make your trip be able to work so that those other days were usable days for you.

I think it's very important to realize that the dads are not babysitters. No, they're other parents. You know, and so I think that there is slightly a double standard there. Guaranteed that if dads were out here posting all over everywhere, you know, their trip in Thailand, they wouldn't be asked the same questions that you were. If you're new to cannabis or you're an old pro, there's no denying that many of the products on the market seem a little iffy at best. And so when you want to relax, iffy is the last way you want to feel.

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So did you know that March 21st is National Single Parents Day? I did not know that. Well, it's about time that single parents get the recognition they deserve and be celebrated. One way to celebrate single parents is to encourage them to have some time for themselves. And that's where Stir comes in. We just talked about this. Dating as a single parent does not mean that you're looking for a new co-parent. Most single parents are just looking to have fun, meet new people without any pressure or judgment.

Did you know that more than half of all single parents have had an amazing make-out session in the past year? No, I didn't know that. Well, I didn't know that either until I heard about Stir. An amazing make-out session sounds pretty incredible right now. Also, single parents rank higher on emotional maturity and the ability to have a work-life balance, which I think is really interesting as well. Well, Stir is where you can relax and be yourself, not just a parent and snack supplier.

Your kids go to bed at eight, so you actually don't have to anymore. Stir is the app designed for parents who just happen to be single. Download Stir or tell your single friends to try it out. Let me read just a one or two more comments on this thread. Let's see. Someone, Katie said, I never miss a workout at Burn Boot Camp. Doesn't matter if I slip, like crap. I tell myself I have to show up and do my best.

This sets the tone for my day and it's just one thing I do for myself. Plus, it's a healthy example for my kids and a positive community. And I love that. Like what a fulfillment looks like for one person or one parent is not going to be, it's not a one size fits all. So if her workout every single day is her, you know, something that fills her cup and I, you know, I don't knock it. Brittany says, I like to make a to-done list in my planner.

I write down what I've done as I go the way that way I don't focus on the things I didn't get to and I can look at all the things I've accomplished that day and I'll make a top five list for the whole week. So I have an idea of super important things to get done without focusing too much if I don't, if I didn't get it done today. So I love some of these things that they're like little things, they're attainable, they are realistic and I love that. Like I don't think that we should all like plan, you know, to go on a trip every six months

or, you know, plan to have a girls night every other weekend. Like that's maybe not realistic for some people, but I like realistic things that help you feel accomplished. Both of those moms, I definitely, the first one I can relate to about the workout. Like to me, I was literally right before this recording, I was just talking to my therapist about constants in my life and every day, Monday through Friday of the work week, I either go to the gym or I go to Pilates and it's how I start my day. I feel like my day is completely off if I don't get to do that.

But again, I do have a school age child and then Will has him two days out of the week. So it's much more obtainable for me than it might be for some moms who might just be single moms that have children who are like preschool age. That was the hardest age ever when their schedule is consistently inconsistent and you only have small windows of the day to like get stuff done. Yeah. I felt very like not accomplished when Jackson was a preschooler. I agree.

I think I wholeheartedly, because when they're babies, I feel like they're on and off sleeping so much once they're, you know, toddlers and then preschool age, it is so hard. And we've talked about it before like with them only going, you know, two, two and a half hours for that preschool curriculum program. And that's, you know, that's what Creed's in right now. So it's really, really difficult. I do want to also mention that I, before my year long battle with, you know, everything that I was going through, I used to read every content trip that we went on

for coffee combos or anytime I would fly would be a time for me to read. That was like my me time and there was a period where I was flying one or two weeks out of every single month. And so I was able to read two books on my trip and I just like when I went to Hawaii after my divorce, I feel like this was also like a milestone in my life getting through the depression and like, first of all, like making it through that. And then also just kind of resetting my life. It was something where I like reflected a lot.

And I think when I was reading, I was also thinking like, I want to make more time to read and less time scrolling aimlessly and endlessly on my phone, putting my phone down like we've talked about before and I've never been able to do it. One, I think that the reason why I'm spending so much money on Amazon and also why struggle comparing myself to other people is because I'm constantly on social media and I never get off. I need to just make time to do my posts and interact with a few people every time I get on and get the fuck off. One, so I can read more too.

It would help with like my vocabulary, probably my brain fog, my mom memory. And also, I just feel fulfilled when I'm reading instead of scrolling. I saw this one post one time and it was talking about stopping the scroll and how you need to be very mindful about all of the things that you are exposing yourself to by constantly scrolling. And it's like you're jumping from one thing to the next thing to the next thing to the next thing. I was saying this to my therapist that every single person on their phone has a pattern

when they literally go off of the lock screen. You have a pattern that you probably are not even mindful of that you immediately start when your phone unlocks. Mine is text message, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, calendar. That to me is like such a toxic like bounce around and the amount of exposure of things that you don't need to be exposed to. It's probably not great for your mental health. Like I told you before, there's a lot of people that I personally know that delete

the apps one day a week. And then I was talking to one of my girlfriends, I'm not going to say who it is, but she told me that Friday at five o'clock, she deletes the apps like all social media apps and doesn't redownload them until Monday. See, I love that. I really fucking love that. I saw a TikTok of a guy talking about how he was coming home from work every day and his kids just wanted his attention and he couldn't put his phone down.

And so he was giving like basically half ass attention to his kids. And so he finally got to a point where he started putting his phone in airplane mode as soon as he comes home to give his kids the attention that they need and to be present and in the moment. And I know that we've talked about this so much, but it really is, it's kind of like therapy in a way that you have to be ready to make that commitment. And I've talked about it for so long, but it wasn't until this trip that I realized like I was so sick of my phone being in my hand.

And I even told Kristin that I was like, I cannot wait to put my fucking phone down. And I feel bad, but I didn't want to text anybody last night. Even Kristin tried calling me and I was like, I'm annoyed right now. Like I'll call you back later. I didn't end up calling her until today. But it's just, it's a lot. And I still think there's ways to capture the moment and we can post another day. Like you can have your phone to take pictures, but you don't need to scroll aimlessly or

you know, things like that and edit the videos later, post them later. That doesn't have to be posted right this fucking second. Remember when I told you that I did that like on family trips a while ago that I'll have my phone and I will just like take the photos and now I haven't been on a family trip in a long time, but they didn't have the focus mode back then. It's so nice. Like I put my phone, you probably see my phones in focus mode all the time. Like my notifications are all silenced unless I'm specifically going into like my text messages,

then I'm not seeing it. It's not constantly popping up. But I think people that are listening to this that are our generation or younger than us, we've always pretty much had phones and instant access to everything since we've been in high school and you have to like untrain yourself from falling into those habits and it's hard. It's really hard and you have to be very mindful to do it. And that's why I think it's so cool that one of my girlfriends is literally deleting the apps on a Friday and not re-downloading them until Monday.

And it's simply to stop doing something that your brain is trained to do because you've essentially trained your brain to I'm going on my phone and I'm going to check X, Y and Z. And it's just part of your habits. And you have to be able to break that habit and by deleting the app, you have to take an extra step, like a conscious step to go and re-download it to get on it. Have you ever been like so exhausted or so tired, you know, just from something during the day or, you know, you were on a trip or whatever. And then you get on like TikTok or Instagram and you start scrolling endlessly and then

you're not tired anymore. Yeah, that happens all the time. That's horrible. Yeah, it's called when I would do it, when I would take a shower and then go to bed and get on my phone and start scrolling TikTok. I now don't do that anymore. Like I scroll like after dinner for whatever I want to see. And then my phone goes into focus mode and I'm not doing that in my bed anymore.

Yeah, because I just stay up and I mean, I will say this morning it helped me. I was up before my, don't even get me started on this up before my kids thing. I did that today and when I tell you it was a fucking game changer for the way that we operated this morning, I hope to be able to put it into action for the rest of the school year because it literally was a game changer just being up 45 minutes before my kids. I don't know because I'm so tired, which is PCOS and depression and other things. But it was such a game changer and I loved it. So we'll see how that goes.

But yeah, I mean, if I could just read also helps make me tired as well. So I noticed when I was on my trip or something, I would read in the plane. I would read for a little bit, go to sleep, read for a little bit, go to sleep. And so like, I don't know, that's also helpful instead of being on my phone and scrolling aimlessly. I wish that I could become a reader. You have to find something that you're interested in. Like I read Girl in Pieces and You'd Be Home Now. They're both by Kathleen Glasgow and they're both under $10.

They're fantastic books and you can relate to them regardless. It's you have to you have to read something that you is interesting. Yeah, because just to be reading like remember that one time that I was going to do a book club? Yes. And I was like, oh wait, I remember that I like don't like reading. So like immediately this book club's not going to work out. Okay, you had said that you were going to kind of like go into all of the details about your trip to Thailand on Barely Famous on the episode that'll air this Friday, right?

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Okay, so I'll post the ones that I got if you want to post the ones that you got. These are skin quenching lather and they have a long lasting scent, which is something that I've always struggled with with other gels and body washes is that the scent doesn't really linger. It doesn't stay on me. And I'm like, what is the point of this if it doesn't stay, but this one does. All the washes have a matching scrub, which is really nice made with real sugar, shea butter and a special six oil blend that leaves skin smooth and hydrated.

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shop the full line online or in store wherever you buy groceries. I had a follow up that I just wanted to briefly address. Headscreen taught it on my phone. A listener of the Southern Tea messaged me this morning and said, I'm glad you addressed the people's comments about the coffee combos episode. People were getting a little out of hand and taking personal offense. And from listening to it, I have no idea why they thought you were targeting them in their situation. I was about to leave the Facebook group because I saw about 200 posts about it

and wanted to roll my eyes every time it was taken way out of context. Always reading for you and your family. What is she talking about? Because I refresh my memory. So you and I had covered that TikTok that I found about step parents. And if you have two biological parents, should the child be with other biological parents? If others said biological parent can't watch them, right?

And I gave my whole perspective and I was solid on that. But got a lot of messages about it. So I covered all of the follow up on that on Southern Tea this week. So if you guys want to hear that, you can go and listen there. But we're going to do TikTok clock really quick. I saw this TikTok. And how do you say her name, Kale? Adrienne Ballone.

Bailon. Bailon. I can't pronounce her last name, but. Adrienne Bailon, I think. Wasn't she like Cheetah girl? Yes. At one point. She was also Rob Kardashian's ex-girlfriend.

Okay. So she was reading a fan letter on this TikTok. It had absolutely nothing to do with Rob. So just like wanted to say that. But it was about how her ex ruined. It was titled My Ex Ruin to Me. And it said, made her insecure, anxious, untrusting. So hard to trust anyone anymore.

Gets jealous over everything. She sees and over, thinks everything so insecure with herself. And I feel like through my last breakup, I definitely went through the motions of all of these things. I think that when you find yourself in what I would consider a toxic relationship, it can spew into all other avenues of your life. So like it affected things that I didn't even realize. Like my sleep, my work productivity,

my ability to just like be present in the moment. I'm sure to some extent, my parenting, my co-parenting, it's crazy. Like when you find yourself in those types of situations where in my case, specifically where cheating occurred, it does cause you to go through all of those emotions to feel insecure. And you have to positive affirmation, I guess, to yourself, to like talk yourself out of those feelings.

Like, why am I allowing someone to make me feel insecure? Like what they did to me actually had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with them. Right. I definitely relate to that. I think that you can date as a parent. I think that there's a healthy way to date even though you're a mom. And then there's unhealthy ways to date when you're a mom.

And I have definitely been in a situation where the person was toxic and I definitely wasn't prioritizing what I should have been prioritizing. What I should have been prioritizing in terms of parenting. And Kristen and I have talked about, I didn't really, like he wasn't isolating me from her specifically, but I definitely pulled back on our friendship, whether it was conscious or subconscious, I wasn't the best friend to anybody.

I would blow anyone off at the drop of a hat if this person wanted to see me. And sleep, absolutely. I can't tell you how much sleep I lost being with someone that was toxic. So it affects every aspect of your life. And you don't realize it, unfortunately, until you've gone through it. Hindsight is always 2020. Yeah. And then when you start coming out of it,

you start seeing little glimpses of things that you're either getting back or you're retaking control of and you're like, wow, like, how did I allow that to happen? Yeah. It's the worst. Yeah. It's horrible. And I had seen kind of like piggybacking off of that.

It was something that came up on Instagram and it was talking about things that you deserve. And it says, repeat after me, I deserve to be in a reciprocated relationship to feel heard when I express my needs, to be surrounded by functional, healthy relationship as opposed to dysfunctional, to feel good about myself when I am single or in a relationship, to have my boundaries respected, to not be forced to change inherent core parts of me to be accepted,

to be with someone who wants to grow and develop themselves alongside me, to make changes that would be beneficial for me and to be in a relationship where I am not belittled or made to feel small. And I have experienced the negative of all of these things within the past year. And because I did experience so much negative, it's almost like I have an unrealistic mindset now because I never want to go back to that ever. It's almost like your standards are so much higher now because of what you just went through.

Yes. And I told my therapist that I don't know that I would have identified certain things had I not gone through something bad. And it took going through that to identify like, okay, this is actually not what I want. I thought it was, but I really desire just peace, stability, normalcy, a simple life. It's crazy what a bad relationship can do to you. And I don't even mean just as in a bad intimate relationship. This could be like a bad relationship with allowing somebody that's like a friend in your life that is just toxic to your existence. Yeah. So I saw that and I was like, I definitely need to share. This was also from the Facebook group. I always love seeing the ones where it

is like divulging very heavy information and it just makes me feel so good because I know that we've created a community that people feel safe. So it's like a really good feeling. But this person says, any advice for someone seeking to leave a marriage secretly? I have been married for almost eight years and we have had a very rocky relationship. I'm to the point now where I am miserable and feel like I can't be myself. My spouse is always criticizing everything I do and it's exhausted and it's exhausting. There's a lot to our story. And while I feel trapped in this marriage, I also feel guilty for wanting a better and happier life without my spouse. They have also said things that made me feel scared to discuss my wants a bit of worse.

It's a lot for me to bear and I know that I can't last much longer. Any help would be appreciated. Get your ducks in a row. Start saving money on the side. I don't care if you have to create a fucking Etsy shop or sell things on eBay or create a Poshmark account where you're selling some things that you don't want anymore. Have some sort of side income where you're saving it and go see a lawyer. A lot of them may have free consultations or if you have to pay for a consultation, they will put it towards your retainer for whatever your divorce retainer will be. And you don't have to tell them during this time that you're doing this because they're just going to try to manipulate you, scare you, give you anxiety, tell you whatever. I won't even get

into things that were said to me. They're not going to change. If you're eight years into marriage and both of you guys are not dedicated to creating the changes and doing the work, it's never going to get better. It can't just be one sided. And I'm an advocate for not settling. And it sounds like if you stay, even if he half-ass attempts it, you're going to be settling. I think it's hard. I've been very much here. I'm not going to say that there was like a bunch of criticism that was going around. So I can't really relate to that. But I do think that when you both get to a place in a relationship where you know that it's pretty much over, there's just no one that's taking the proper steps forward to solidify that decision,

that it does become toxic because you're kind of at each other's throat. So you're not happy. You're not happy. That is a toxic pattern to get in. And I've said before, I felt trapped in marriage the moment that I got married. And I don't know if I would have maybe still been with Will today had we not married. But the thoughts of being in something that I couldn't get out was like very, or I felt that I couldn't get out was very overwhelming to me. And I think a lot of people kind of experience that. And when you, when you want out of something and the other person probably wants out too, but they're also probably fearful, they're going to say a bunch of things that they might not necessarily mean,

but it's something to say in that moment. That was definitely my experience. And I agree with Keele. You need to start doing things on the side. That was a scary thing that I did. And I felt like a liar in a sense, and I'm a manipulator in a sense, because I knew that I was doing things that was not productive for our marriage. But you could only say so much and do so much before you hit that line, right? Like I showed up to marriage counseling sessions by myself, you know what I mean? Like there has to be an expiration date or a date where you're like, okay, this is it. And I, I agree. I felt to this day, I feel hypocritical for getting married and divorced in the first place, because when you get married, these vows are supposed to be for

fucking ever, like through thick and through thin and through this and through that and through trauma and through, you know, sickness and in health and all of these things. And so we're supposed to work through all of this shit. And then we get divorced. So what was the fucking purpose of saying that we were not going to, that we were going to do this forever? Yep. I actually had an esthetician one time that, you know, I would go and get like my facials monthly or whatever. And she was going through the process that she had a very successful now ex husband, but a very successful one. And he was basically doing all the things that you're saying that you kind of experience like that fear mongering of if you leave, like this is what's going to happen and your life is going to forever

change and you know, whatever. And she just did small things like she would store things at her place of employment. The people who on the place were nice enough to let her go to like TJ Maxx, it was like small stuff, like go to TJ Maxx and get towels for a bathroom or, you know, plates or whatever and trying to prepare as much as possible for that. There's nothing worse than going through something that is emotionally devastating and a place that you never thought you were going to be at to go through it emotionally devastating without a plan. Oh my God. I mean, I told you guys on this podcast before that the first attorney I saw told me to, she literally told me to leave her office and stay in the marriage for a little

bit longer so that I could get my ducks in a row further. And I think, you know, in that year that I ended up going home before I before I actually did file, I thought maybe there were glimmers of hope that it could still work. I mean, all the way up through the divorce, I thought there was glimmer and even afterwards I thought, okay, maybe there is some glimmer here. There is a silver lining that we could work out. But ultimately it's like, you know, I was the one in therapy and in trying to change, I didn't change right away. And it took me up until now to finally change. But, you know, we both had our faults and we both did what it's not crazy. Like you just look back and you're like, because obviously I wasn't I wasn't perfect either. I did my dirt.

I did my dirt. I did my shit. But I also simultaneously was willing to go to couples counseling, willing to go to therapy, willing to do whatever it took. And so I definitely think that there was more hope for me in trying to make it work. I will say in both my last situations, marriage and other, if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have continued trying. And, you know, the haters will say, well, you're a quitter, you give up, like whatever. No, I think that it's very important to listen to yourself and realize what your deal breakers are and identify those. And if it truly is a deal breaker, to realize that like, that that deal is broken. So just be done with it because there's nothing worse than feeling like something was over. You tried and

you put all this effort into it. And then ultimately, the same, you got the same result, right? So there's nothing worse than that feeling. My old producer, I love you, Patrick, he was the one that told me, you know, put put an expiration date on it. You know, if, if things are really rocky and you don't know how much more you can take, put an expiration date on it where it's like, essentially, like an ultimate ultimate, don't always work. They're not great. But it's more of holding yourself accountable and having this point where it's like, if things aren't better by this day next year, I'm done. And up until that, I will have, you know, be putting money in a savings account, or I will be, you know, keeping a storage unit trying to save things to

put into a new place or whatever the case may be, but have an expiration date where you're like, okay, I'm not going to try past this day anymore. I think that's very wise. They say you got to know the rules of the game in order to win. And when it comes to boosting your credit score, kickoff is here to help you do just that. Getting ready for the next step in your life, maybe you're thinking about buying a new car, renting a new apartment or buying a house, that's a big first step. But the first step is to have a healthy credit scoring kickoff can help you take control of your credit. So the score doesn't get in the way of your goals. I know this was huge when I was trying to buy my first house. I didn't always have great credit. I

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can promise you one thing. I'm spilling tea, the whole tea and nothing but the tea. So listen to and follow the Southern Tea now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and wherever you listen to podcasts. One more thing before we do foul play. This was on TikTok and I would love to know everybody's thoughts on it. I have big ones. When it says, when I tell people I had my husband sign a contract agreeing that I was to be a stay at home wife and mom and he decided to divorce me, he would have to pay me for 15 years after the divorce settled to equate to my lack of work history. He was fine with it because here I sit contact napping with our son in the laundry that needs to be folded. I mean, that's what alimony is for. But not everybody gets it because

they're certain like Delaware is a no fault state. So it doesn't matter if you cheated or I don't know. It doesn't matter why you're getting the divorce. But I don't know. I don't know if there's I don't know if you can get alimony here or not. I'm not sure. I think alimony in the state of Georgia and if anybody's an attorney that's listening, I think you have to be married 10 years to qualify for that. Okay, I know. I know someone you and I have a mutual person who was not married for 10 years and got alimony. Really? Oh, I know who the person is. I, I think that that's a great contract to have and not to depend on the state's laws. Like if you are going to, you know, if that would hold up in court, like if they're getting divorced,

because it was an agreement signed while they were married. Oh, well, but so is a post nuptial agreement. Like if it's an agreement and it's a legally binding contract, yeah, it's going to uphold. But do they have to, I want, I mean, just asking for the person who wrote this in, can you clarify if this was just like you and him, there was no witnesses or is this a situation where you like literally had it notarized or did you have an, like I think people don't realize how fairly in terms of like how expensive lawyers are, if you already have like what you want to do and you want to just have it, you know, what is the word I'm looking for? Legalized. Legalized. Thank you. I was going to say legalized. You know, it's fairly affordable to just go to a lawyer

and be like, here, this is what we want to do. And you're just doing that one thing with an attorney. Like did you go through an attorney? Did you go through a notary? Is it just you too? Because I don't know how that would hold up. I think it's, if it's notarized, I'm pretty sure because if you've gone in front of a notary, I think you can like even a will is like recognized with a notary. You create your own will and then you take it to a notary to be notarized, that would hold up. Yeah. Well, everyone should do that then because I think it's like less than 20 bucks to go to a notary. Yeah. So I think that's great though because you know, I kind of like struggled a little bit when I was staying at home with Jackson and had

that period of time that was a couple of years that Will was, you know, post college starting his career and he was out having adult interactions with people all day every day, networking, you know, going to be able to lay groundwork at one job to be able to move to another while I'm at home like changing diapers, cleaning, taking Jackson to all of these like little classes, whatever. Yeah, I think that you, I don't know if entitled is the word, but if that's an agreement that you've made that you're not going to work and you're going to forgo that amount of time in a career, you should be paid back to some, to some extent, in my opinion. Yeah, I mean, you did the brunt of the childcare and the caretaking and the household stuff. You know,

they're half his children. So now, if we're separating, what about half my life that I gave up for you and our children? Yeah. And, and I also wonder if there's any type of stipulation in this contract, because like sometimes in like pre and post-nuptial agreements, it's like this is like null and void if like infidelity or whatever, like I wonder if there's any type of like sub clause in there. I will be, yeah, like if she cheated. She cheated, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that would be, I'm curious to know, we need an update. We need a follow up on this. All right, for foul play. Oh, this is a long one. A little backstory. So I met this guy 15 plus years ago at my best friend's house when we were teens. We were into each other, but he was older. So we both knew it wouldn't work

out back then and decided to date other people. Fast forward to summer of 2022, we got in touch with each other again. And I was in awe that my crush from 15 plus years ago wanted to actually attempt this dating thing. So he started hanging out pretty frequently and one thing led to another. Next thing you know, we were both hooking up on the reg. I had an eight month old baby at the time and I was breastfeeding. I told him I was really self conscious about leaking milk everywhere and he said he understood. Well, one night we went out for drinks and ended up back at his place. This was the only, this was only the third or fourth time we've hooked up. Anyways, he starts to suck on my nipples and mid sex says, Oh my God, milk is coming out. I was so embarrassed

that this was happening and I couldn't control it. So I said, okay, let's stop. He said it's fine because it tastes good and continues to suck my milk out. I'm like, okay, you like what you like. He proceeded to kiss me or so I thought he proceeded to kiss me or so I thought he actually spit the milk into my mouth and held his lips against mine until I had swallowed it. I wanted to gag warm, watery liquid from my nipples gross. I don't know how babies do it. I'm into some kink y'all, but that was too much for me. Let's just say we only hooked up two more times after that because I was mortified about what happened. So I finally called it quits because his dick game was not worth that freak shit. Okay, that wouldn't really gross me out because it's from my body.

It's the fact that he did that without my consent that would really piss me off. Well, and also, even if it's from my body, like the fact that someone like sucked it out of my nipple and then they swapped spit with my breast milk and then spit it in my mouth, I'm good on that. Like, no, no, absolutely the fuck not. That's not a thing. Do you want to say, and I don't know if you had experience with this at all, but I started lactating like very, very early on in pregnancy, like 18 weeks, like I would get in the tub at night. I took a bath like every night that I was pregnant and I would get in the tub and when it would get, the water would be really hot and warm. So I guess it would like stimulate it and it would just like start

pouring out. Like I had a ton of breast milk and I was always like so afraid that it was like if Will and I had sex or anything, like it was gonna like shoot him in the eye or something. Not me purposely shooting my spouses in the eye. But no, I didn't have that. I had to take like supplements to produce enough milk, which I did all year that I breastfed Lincoln. So that never happened to me. I did lactate a little tiny bit at the end of my pregnancies, but I never, that's crazy. So that would have been something that could have happened to you. I mean, not the kissing and spitting into your mouth part, but it could have happened, I guess, if you were lactating that early.

I'm just, I mean, like I know you've talked about how you like very much love nipple play. Does it make you uncomfortable? No, not at all. Like I was gonna say that I'm not gonna say like if I like it or not, but like I do. I'll just say that I don't know that I would be okay with someone sucking my nipples knowing that I had breast milk in there though. Yeah, that's a little weird. Like I think that's like, that's a kink that like I'm not going to get behind. And for someone to say, Oh my God, milk is coming out like no, you're coming out. Yeah, no, like at the point you're coming out. Yeah, like no, that's not, that's not a thing. That's not a thing. I also would be mortified. And also if this happened and his dick game was weak, then yeah, that's an

immediate no need to ask you though, is it like a lot of times to say that you hooked up with someone because she said this was only the third or fourth time that we had hooked up? Do you feel like that's a lot or a little? I feel like that's a lot. No, I don't feel like that's a lot because my friend, an old friend of mine once told me you give them like three, four tries before you call it quits because you know, sometimes there's nerves or drinking involved. And so, you know, by the third, fourth, third, fourth, fifth time, you should be getting comfortable with the other person to hook up. So I don't think that that's a lot. I would have to be like committed to be like giving it a third or fourth or whatever shot. Like you're hopeful that this is gonna.

Yeah, like I'm going to immediately be pissed off if it's not. Okay, like I say by the third time, you know, the first two times, maybe a little nerves drinking or whatever the third time, you know, if it's going to go somewhere or not. I mean, I don't blame her. She sounds like they only hooked up like a handful of times. We actually talked about the book up culture on Southern Tea this week. It's wild out there, huh? Yeah, like it's wild. It's very wild and I'm not a fan. Okay, next foul play. Okay, hey ladies, I absolutely love and adore you both and live for the foul play stories. This story is one that I forgot about, but was just recently reminded of when I came home to visit my mom. As soon as we started talking about it, I knew it had to be

shared with y'all. I was about 17 when this occurred and still die when I think about it. We had taken a family trip to the keys in Florida. I had never been to a tropical beach before this, so it was super exciting to be there. We were a few days into the trip and every everything was going okay, but I hadn't been to the ocean yet. So that night my aunt and I decided to go skinny dipping the following day I broke I woke up covered in a rash. I'm talking everywhere and even worse on my face and neck. We finally got home and I asked my mom for some rash cream to put on it, hoping it would go away fast. Keep in mind this is the week before my senior pictures. So I was stressing about this rash. She told me to check in the medicine cabinet for quote unquote, creamy

substance. In my oblivious teenage state, I grabbed the first thing I found and smeared it all over my face and neck and continued to do this day and night for about a week. After it had cleared up, about a month went by and I was telling my mom and grandma about this cream being so magic. My mom asked me to show her what I was using since the rash cream was still in the medicine cabinet. Confused, I went to grab the tube only for them to reveal I had been using hemorrhoid cream on my face the entire time. Yep, I had been using asshole cream on my face and was swearing by it to friends and family for weeks. Needless to say, I double check every label before I use something and know for future reference that that shit works super well. I love that for her. I told you

about the time that I found that hemorrhoid cream in my college car from where I had had my windows tinted and it was in the console and I called the man and cost him out. I was like, why the fuck is your bottle cream in my vehicle? That's just so weird. But what causes people to have hemorrhoids? I know you can get one if you have a baby or something, but is it just the turds are too big that it causes a rupture? No. What happens? I've never had one, but I think from my understanding is if you are pushing, if you're constipated and you're pushing, don't quote me on this. I'm no fucking doctor, but I think you're breaking blood vessels that fill up. It's almost like a pimple is a clogged pore. I think a hemorrhoid is you're pushing,

you break the blood vessels and it creates a bubble that has blood in it. I don't quote me on that. I don't fucking know. Okay. It says, hemorrhoids also called piles are swollen veins in your anus and lower rectum similar to varicose veins. They can develop inside the rectum internal hemorrhoids or under the skin around the anus external hemorrhoids. Nearly three out of four adults will have hemorrhoids from time to time. But like, is that three out of four? Yeah, like that's a lot of bolt holes to be just like having fucking hemorrhoids just like falling out. No, my friend texted me not that long ago and she was like, girl, I have an external hemorrhoid that is literally a literal hell. She was like, it's the most painful

thing that she's ever been through. But like, did she tell you why she got it? She said she didn't know, which maybe she was straining while she was pooping. I don't know. No. And then I had another friend who texted me about her, why my friends tell me about their hemorrhoids. I don't know, but that just explains to you guys how close we all are. My other girlfriend was like, that she had a hemorrhoid, but like it went away. But like the, the skin was still there. So like, it was a deflated hemorrhoid in her on her butthole. Oh no, she's got to get that cut off. Like, I don't think that you can just like have it that would look like a dingle. Are you going to, are you going to turn around and like spread your asshole for a doctor because I'm not? Yes,

absolutely. You would spread your asshole for someone to think it was a dingleberry hanging out if you were having sex with them. So like, why would you not go to a medical provider and be like, can you cut this off? Remove this deflated hemorrhoid. Like, that's not that. Are you sure it's literally not a dingleberry? Like, that's not a thing. No, it was not a dingleberry. It's like, not a thing. Like, and I'm going to text my friends and be like, Hey, y'all, I talked about your, your hemorrhoids on copy combos podcast. And then it'll be like, but like, haven't you seen those preparation age wipes? No, it's basically and like, I think preparation age is what you like put on hemorrhoids, but they have it at the store. So I'm thinking that like a lot of people

must get them. I just wonder like, why people are straining so hard to get probiotics. Everyone needs to take a probiotic. Literally, if we've said anything good ever on this podcast, like take a probiotic. If you're a woman listening to this podcast and you do not take a probiotic, like immediately start. And yeah, that's really all the shit that I have to contribute to you guys life today. Okay, well, I'm happy that I'm back and I'm happy that we got to catch up on coffee combos. Me too. If you guys have not followed us on at coffee combos podcast on Instagram, make sure you follow us over there for coffee combos cooks with not telling you who with. If you have not subscribed to the show, you can do that by searching the purple podcast app, type coffee

combos, click subscribe, click the fit star, leave us a written review. You can find us from any podcast app, wherever you get your podcasts, always first at podcast one. Hope you guys have a great week and we'll talk to you soon. See you. All month long on Pluto TV, stream the biggest Tyler Perry movies free. Watch your favorites like Medea's witness protection and Medea's big happy family. Join Tyler Perry as he goes on a couples retreat with Sharon Leal and Why Did I Get Married? or Idris Elba and Gabrielle Union in the Tyler Perry directed film Daddy's Little Girls. Plus, Pluto TV has hundreds of channels with thousands more movies and TV shows available on live and on demand. Download the free Pluto TV app on all your favorite devices and start streaming now.

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