Coffee Convos with Kail Lowry and Lindsie Chrisley - Mother's Day Priorities

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

CC348: Kail and Lindsie talk about which mothers should be getting priority when it comes to celebrating ON Mother's Day. If you're divorced, should mother's still be acknowledged by their ex-partner? A listener asks about wedding shower etiquette, a viral video on a dad's parenting resonates with Kail, and is empathy a learned thing or are some just born like that? Lastly, Kail reads some Toxic Mothers stories. Check out our Instagram @coffeeconvospodcast for more! Thank you to our sponsors! Care/of: For 50% off your first month’s subscription, visit TakeCareOf.com and enter code COFFEE50Chime: Get started at chime.com/convosIQBar: Get 20% off every IQBar product plus free shipping when you text CONVOS to 64-000. By Texting 64000, you agree to receive recurring automated marketing messages from IQBAR. Message and data rates may apply. No purchase required. Terms apply, available at IQBAR.com. Reply "STOP" to stop, "HELP" for helpProgressive: Visit Progressive.com to learn moreStamps: Visit Stamps.com and use code COFFEE for a 4-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale!

I hate gift giving and receiving. Receiving gifts is so weird. What do you say thank you? This is Coffee Convo's with Kale Lowry and Lindsey Chrisley. I really want you to be in your feels, Kale. That does not interest me whatsoever. I feel very attacked by you. A spirited discussion about motherhood, friendship, family,

and life in the public eye. I'm just not with the fakery anymore. There's a fakery bakery around here. Here's Kale and Lindsey. Is that Montana boys merch? No, this is Coors Light, bro. Good morning and welcome to coffee combos podcast. It is not morning for us. It is lunchtime for us and I need to

just let you know what I'm eating. What are you eating? Ready? Yes. Rob Dyrdek would love this. time for us and I need to just let you know what I'm eating. What are you eating? Are you ready? Yes. Rob Dyrdek would love this. I am eating a Lunchable. It is the turkey and American cheese cracker stacks with a chocolate cream cookie, aka

bucking Oreo. I have a follow up on Lunchables. Do they not have Oreo brand cookies? I don't know, it just says chocolate cream. No, actually, in fact, don't Oreos say Oreo? Yeah, this doesn't say, so I guess it's just a chocolate cream knockoff cookie, whatever. You need to stop your game up.

I don't even eat that part of the Lunchable. I personally feel like Lunchable was the OG charcuterie board. Love it so much. Follow up on this though, someone sent me a message and said that they do have it in their grocery stores with the fruit added. So it is a thing. Would you buy it? Would I buy it with the fruit in it? Absolutely not. See, I feel like for that, the fresh fruit probably has some sort of chemicals on it to keep it fresh. So that for me would be like a no.

But wouldn't that be the case or everything that's a part of this Lunchable? Like there's gotta be preservatives. But for that, what I'm saying is, I guess like you're already using the preservatives in whatever the Lunchable is. So why not actually just pack fresh fruit with it? You know what I mean?

That's what I do. I just like pack a cutie or like, you know, like those little dull, like fruit cups, something like that. Like I just like pack that with it. I love a Lunchable. I eat charcuterie all the time. And when I say charcuterie, I mean Lunchable.

I just love the pizza Lunchables. Those are the ones that I would not buy ever. I love them I don't care how many chemicals are in them. I don't know if I want them. Chris is the one that likes the nacho ones. Oh. But why do you like those? What? Why do you like those? Because they're supposed to be hot. I think the pizza lunchables can be eaten hot or cold too. I prefer cold, even the nachos, because why am I gonna, because you're not putting the cheese on them and then the salt like I just feel like I don't know. So I want to watch since of our parents documentary on hulu This is about the I think the first case of parents being charged in connection with their son's school shooting in michigan

So I really wanted to watch that for the podcast. Wait, tell me more so if you guys are the crumbly, I think crumbly or crumbly parents were to be, this was all took place in Michigan and they're the first parents to be charged with their child's school shooting. So Oxford High School shooting in Michigan, and they're basically saying that the parents were negligent because they had gun accessibility.

The gun accessibility was basically left for their son, which caused him to, didn't cause, but contributed to the mass shooting that took place. And so they're being charged. And I thought that was really interesting because so many times we see, Oh, well, they couldn't have had access to the gun or they couldn't have gotten a gun and then they actually had access all along. And the parents have never been charged. So this is the first time that these are all going to unfold for everyone. And so Ethan Crumley committed this act of violence, this shooting in November of 2021,

and only now are they, they're the first parents in US history to face involuntary manslaughter charges. This is so wild. I would love to know what other people think about this. If you do have firearms in your home, are they safely secured in a place where your children do not know what the code is to be able to get to them? Because what are these parents defense?

I guess we have to watch it to find out. So this is what it says online. It scrutinizes allegations of negligent gun accessibility, disregard for warning signs, and pivotal interactions with school authorities. The spectacle will also depict the impact of a tragedy on the Oxford community and will raise critical questions about parental responsibility in the face of escalating gun violence. So that's really interesting. I mean, as a mom, and I hate to do this, but as a mom with your child in public school,

God forbid that were to happen, would you want to see a school shooter's parents charged for something like this? I personally feel like it depends on the circumstances. And it's not a one size fits all situation, right? So if they could truly prove that they didn't have anything to do with it, and it could have completely been prevented, or not, I guess, if they could prove that they didn't have anything to do with it and it could have completely been prevented or not, I guess, if they could prove that they didn't have any responsibility in that act and this child may be access to safe that was like coded, whatever. Do I think those parents should be charged?

No, not necessarily. So I think what's interesting to me is, and this seems to be a theme in my life right now is where I'm very aware of very similar things happening to different people and only some are being called out for it or some are being treated a certain way because of it and others it gets slid under the radar. That must be frustrating for them. This is devastating what happened. I'm not saying that it's justified, not justified, whatever. I'm just saying that it must be so frustrating that they're being the ones who are being

made an example out of when so many others have not had the same punishment. The New York Times posted an article about, it says that they are facing 10 to 15 years in prison for quote not stopping a runaway train and I just feel like that's a lot of I mean there's one thing with not locking up your weapons in a safe with a code that your kids do not have access to let alone know where it is right but then to say oh you know you didn't recognize warning signs. A lot of times the warning signs are not there until you look back. I'm not defending this whatsoever. So please don't take it that way. Well, that was kind of my thoughts. If there were true warning signs that can be proven

that these were warning signs, that they were aware that this child would have access to this, take it to a school, and do absolutely nothing about it. In that case, I do think that the parent should be held responsible. I think we can all say, look back, there were warning signs of this, that, and the third, whatever it is that we've been through in life. But until something bad has happened, you don't really necessarily recognize what those warning signs are. So I'll be interested to watch this just to see what information that we can gather and then we can circle back on this and say if we think that it was fair or not just. Okay. I'm down to do that. So for those of you listening, we are going,

I'm hoping that we're able to talk about this next week, if not maybe the week after. Absolutely. I want to get into some listener topics today. And this one is one that I believe that you and I might have privately discussed before. If not, I privately discussed this with Kristin. It's talking about Mother's Day. And this listener says, who gets prioritized? Moms in the thick of child raising or our own moms and grandmoms? The moms in the thick of parenting. And I just sent a video like this to Elijah last night,

because I saw it on TikTok that this woman was like, we love and respect our moms and our grandparents and any other mother in our lives. But the ones who are in the thick of parenting, that is who we are celebrating. Send your mom flowers, send your mom a card. But if your wife or the mother of your children does not want to go spend it with their in-laws, aunts, uncles, grandparents, the day is for them. The day is for the ones that you have children with currently. So two things on this. Number one, there was an entire episode about this on Chris Lee knows best like many moons ago.

And it basically just followed my dad's mindset of celebrating his mother and not putting emphasis on his wife who he had children with because she is not his mother. And while I kind of understand that, in the same sense when you lay down and have children with someone and you guys are raising these children together

and this woman is doing all of the mothering for the five children that you have created. That woman absolutely deserves to be celebrated and prioritized. I don't say that to dismiss the fact that he should also celebrate his mother, but it should be, if you're going to celebrate, it should be a joint celebration of your mother and the mother that raised your kids. And second thought on this, and you're probably disagreeing with what I'm saying.

I already do. Second thought on this is when I first became a mother, like my first mother's day, Jackson was the first grandchild on Will's side of the family. And he's one of three boys. And her siblings never had any children. And she was always massively celebrated by her siblings who never had any children,

by her husband who had children with her, and from my understanding by her mother as well. And it was a big issue. I had ideas that I wanted to have a relaxing day at home, take Jackson to the park, go to a lunch and just spend time as a family of three as not only a mother, but just like as new parents together in that celebration. And there were some text messages that, you know, were exchanged and it was not very nice. The following Mother's Day, what we did was take time to go and celebrate with her the day before Mother's Day. And then we celebrated just me on Mother's Day.

So I think there's very different ways that you can do this, but I do find it to be a little bit disrespectful if you're not, you want to be celebrated, but you're not willing to celebrate somebody else who also did raising. I think it is, when you're in the thick of parenthood, right? And motherhood or fatherhood, whatever it is, to me, those celebrations feel very valid in that moment of time versus if you've already done parenting, you were celebrated for 18 years, whatever,

and then your kids move on, have a family of their own. I don't know, it's just like a sticky situation. I feel like a family of their own. I don't know, it's just like a sticky situation. And I feel like a lot of families probably struggle navigating something like this. I don't feel like it has to be sticky. I don't, like I said, you're not dismissing your mom by sending her flowers or a gift card or sending her to lunch with your dad

or with her friends for Mother's Day. But you do what your mother, the mother that is raising your children with her friends for Mother's Day. But you do what the mother that is raising your children wants to do for Mother's Day. Again, if Mother's Day is, we know that it takes place typically on a Sunday. And why can't your mom, we can go celebrate your mom or you can celebrate your mom on a Saturday, but Sunday is my day. I'm in the thick of this. Your mom is, has already raised her kids. She's had her time with Mother's Day celebrations to do whatever she wants. And now her kids are in the house. So why can't she continue to do that? You know, like, I just think that the mom that

you're raising the kids with is a priority. Honestly, that's how I feel. I don't think that it's dismissive. I just think that that's the way to do it. Also, it doesn't have to be sticky. I think people make it way more complicated than it needs to be. Oh, I've definitely made it way more complicated than it needs to be and carry a lot of guilt if I know somebody else has carried the same role and they're not being celebrated in the same way as me. I don't know. It could just be my personality.

In what way would it be your personality? What do you mean? I just think that I carry a lot of guilt and shame for things that I probably shouldn't, and I think about other people sometimes more than I think about myself, and then I just feel a sense of sadness if I know somebody else is sad

because they feel a certain type of way about it, and I take that on as my own emotions All right, you guys if you are anything like me you probably wish you knew about Chimes sooner and if you're trying to find new ways to save you can reach your financial goals easier and still have that Occasional treat that is absolutely me right now you can even get a $10 reward for opening a Chime checking account

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Boosts are available to eligible CHIME members enrolled in SpotMe and are subject to monthly limits. Terms and conditions apply. Go to chime.com slash disclosures for details. Okay, so Elijah has me, his mom, and one of his sisters. We're all mothers. In Lindsey's world, perfect or not, what do you picture for a Mother's Day for that scenario? Ideally for that scenario, I feel like if everybody is going to be celebrated, which everybody should be, then that should be a Saturday situation

where you do stuff with all of the mothers that have impacted you in your life, right? Whether that be your sister, your mom, your significant other. And then I think Sunday should be reserved for who you had children with. I can see that. Like that's something I could get behind.

I could get behind that where you like separate them almost so that everyone feels celebrated. This hasn't been my situation, but I can't get behind a mom, essentially a grandmother, not being celebrated to their to the extent of their wishes, I guess, by their children when they have when their own children have children. Does that make sense? I think it's honestly life phase two, right? There's a lot of factors that weigh into this.

I would just love to know from the listeners if this is something that you have experienced, whether it be Mother's Day, whether it be Father's Day, how you navigated it, and what you actually do on Mother's Day if you're a mother. Do you prefer to spend Mother's Day with your children or have the day off to do things that Lindsay wants to do? Wait, what? Like, Chris's mom one year, she was like, she asked me to my face, she was like, do you like to spend Mother's Day with your like, do you like to spend Mother's Day with your kids or do you like to spend Mother's Day

doing stuff for you, like by yourself? Like that's your Mother's Day is like relaxing with no kids, maybe go get a massage, something like that. Like, and this is no shade to her cause it's fucking Mother's Day, do whatever you want. She's like, I preferred to not have, she basically preferred the day off. She didn't want to do anything related to her children on Mother's Day.

And I think that's valid. So what I like to do is spend the day with my child on Mother's Day. But if I'm going to be gifted something, I want it to be a gift of like an experience of like a nail certificate or a massage, something that I can do on my own to relax. But I'm going to choose to spend that day with my child. Okay, so you basically like a rain check. So you're gonna take your relaxation on another day. I can get behind that.

I don't have a preference anymore. I feel like I used to have like a preference. It's also really hard because I feel like Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day, all those sort of days are so hard to get into restaurants and things if you don't have a reservation. And so I don't want to spend two and three hours waiting for a reservation to like go eat or something. So I'm also not even opposed to celebrating on a different day just for that sole purpose alone.

Okay, my next question about this and then we can move on from this topic is if you are divorced and you had a child with somebody, does that person still acknowledge you on Mother's Day? My kids' dads don't acknowledge me on Mother's Day anymore. Like I still get a gift every single Mother's Day and a text or a phone call. Cleaned out my car the other day and to my horror I can't find it right now I will because I have to give it to him this year I found the gift card and card for Javi last Father's Day that I meant to stick in his mailbox and I never did

that like a drop-off or something and I never did so I left it in my car thinking oh the next time I have to drop Lincoln off or something I'll stick slip it in the mailbox. I've literally had it since Father's Day last year. I think Elijah's ex-wife the one time made a joke about there's packs of four Father's Day cards. And I'm going to forget because that's not fun. It would have been funny if I was offended, you know?

But I'm not offended. But thank you for the heads up. Cool. if I was like offended, you know, but like I'm not offended for the heads up like cool. I put the Father's Day cards in gift cards and Father's Day cards together, put them, you know, hand them off or whatever. I need to find that card though. I can't where is it? Because I like there's money that I spent on a gift card that I need to give to him. But yeah, they don't they haven't acknowledged me for a long time. Actually, I think I get more upset about hobbyavi not doing it just because we are very much like co-parents

through and through, we're in a really good place. And so I do get, I am a little offended when he doesn't. Not even an email saying happy Mother's Day or happy birthday. Like I don't even get that. And you don't need to send a gift, but also like remember that this is how Lincoln's gonna treat people when he gets older.

This is exactly how he is going to treat people when he gets older. So even sending a happy Mother's Day to me in an email doesn't really suffice because you're not teaching Lincoln anything because Lincoln doesn't see the emails. I'm not trying to shade Javi. I just mean across the board, Chris, you can hate me, Javi, you can hate me, Joe, you can hate me. But at the end of the day, you're teaching your kids how to treat their future situations. So like in my situation, I normally get like manicure and pedicure gift card, flowers, a phone call, and Jackson's involved

in every part of that. He signs the card, will has him do all the things. And I think that is very important for Jackson to see, while we are not together, I still care about your mother. And he's showing him how a man should treat a woman. I don't even care if he's like, oh, I still care about your mom. That's literally for me. I know your situation is very different. It could literally just be That's literally for me. I know your situation's very different. It could literally just be so much as for Lincoln,

like your mom and I are still a team. I don't love her anymore. I don't care about her anymore, but we're a team. And that's okay, both can be true. I would love to know what other people have to say about this, but moving on from that, there was a wedding etiquette question that was from last week's episode that we did not get to. And it says, I have a wedding etiquette question.

My fiance and I did things pretty backwards, dated, moved in, had kids, bought a dream house, got engaged. We're in our late thirties and are planning a small destination wedding. My matron of honor wants to throw me a shower, but in reality, 90% of the people I would invite to my shower will actually be invited to the wedding. Our wedding is strictly family and my fiance's best friend. And my opinion, it would be tacky to have a shower, but she believes it's all part of it.

Thoughts? I would agree with her also. You don't have a shower, invite everyone, and then unless it's a very understood, like you've made this very clear, we're eloping, nobody is invited, and if you choose to have a shower, that's on you kind of thing.

But to say like, oh, we're gonna have a shower, invite everyone, but only half the people are gonna be invited, I think that's very you kind of thing. But to say like, oh, we're gonna have a shower and invite everyone, but only half the people are going to be invited. I think that's very tacky. I think that's very, very tacky. I think it definitely depends on who all is going to be present at the shower. Is it going to be a combination of wedding guests, which I guess would be what, like family and then his best friend, and then people who aren't invited. I feel like the shower should simply just be for the people who aren't invited then with the understanding that this is a destination wedding and it is family only.

Okay. I could see that too. Okay. So you're saying essentially like, say Elijah and I are eloping or we're doing basically his parents and siblings only and our kids, no friends, no nothing, like not even Kristin, right? And then we turn around and we have a shower for everyone that's not.

So essentially it's like a reception, but a shower. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking that it should be. I don't know if I could get behind like a shower then. I don't know, maybe. I mean, I guess if it's tastefully done, anything could happen. The reception seems to make more sense for me. Like it's like, okay, because you get typically get like wedding gifts and stuff, but I feel like wedding gifts are only for people who are attending. But also like, how would I feel

if that was me? So like, say you were to get married and you're like, Kale, I'm not, I'm eloping, but I'm going to have a shower. Would I go and would I get you a gift? Yeah, I would. So yeah. I feel like I would too. But also do we think that since they've done everything backwards, that they also should maybe have a shower after the fact that they're married.

So whenever they come back home, that it's like a celebration with those who were not in attendance and it'd be played a little bit different than a shower. Then that's a reception. So you're saying should they do both? No, I'm saying like, okay, these people go and get married this destination wedding, okay?

They're already married, they come back and they host this shower. I still believe it should be only for the people who were not in attendance. And I think it would be more of like a celebration of the marriage with these people, not like ahead of it, because I think that showers strictly should be for wedding guests. Does that make sense? Like this would be more like a celebration of this marriage. Yeah, like a reception. But then you've got to look, that's probably a lot more costly than a shower.

I mean, I don't know, because I haven't planned any of these things. So I don't know. I never got a shower. Like nobody ever had a shower for me. So I'm not really sure about that. If you invited me to one, I'd go, and it like wouldn't be weird, I feel.

A reception after getting married, I feel like would be way more costly, but that would essentially be a reception. So like, I don't know. I think it depends. But I feel like that's the least tacky way to do it. Yes, I agree. If you're going for least tacky, do like a reception, a dinner, a shower after.

I think that's the least tacky way. I agree. And I also feel like, okay, if you are not going to be inviting people to your wedding, like should you be expecting a gift from them? No, I don't think that you should. Absolutely not. And also don't invite me to your wedding at all if we're not very close. Because if I just-

We had this conversation a couple of weeks ago and it's so true. Don't even include,, I don't care. I'm not going to be offended. I asked one of my girlfriends the other day, we're talking about her getting married and wedding and things like that, and she was talking about something along these lines, really. Never once did I even assume, think, or get offended that I could possibly not be invited to a reception dinner after

the fact. I don't care. I love you. I'm going to celebrate you no matter what. And it doesn't matter. But also if I'm not invited, it doesn't offend me. I don't care. But I don't care. You know what I mean? That is something that you and I wholeheartedly agree on. Yes. Yes. I'm also really upset right now because I spent money on this Father's Day card and I don't know where I put it and I'm getting upset. So. Well, Kale, I mean, it's quite honestly been lost

for a long period of time. So this is just like the second time that it's been lost. Well, I'm upset because I spent money on it and he needs to use it. It's probably like a gift card that has an expiration date on it and it's like past the point. Can you imagine like giving him that and he can't use it?

I'm so mad. I'll be like, are you fucking kidding me? Because I don't think I put the receipt in it either. This show is sponsored by care of. I actually have my care of vitamins right here and I can read you today's tip. Pull out your favorite game, whether it's a board game or video game, they can help stimulate creativity and may improve focus.

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Again, that's 50% off your first care of subscription order. Go to takecareof.com and enter code COFFEE50. Okay. So, as we're talking about parenting, as we've done a lot of, I saw this article and it was on parents.com and it says, dad's gentle parenting moment with crying six-year-old daughter goes viral. It says, a dad's teaching moment with his oldest childyear-old daughter goes viral. It says, a dad's teaching moment with his oldest child has gone viral for all the right reasons.

He shared a video on his Instagram account where he explains his wife caught his conversation with a 6-year-old daughter. The young child was upset after she lost a fun privilege. In quotes, he says, when we make bad decisions, do you know what happens? He tells his daughter, it gives us a great opportunity to learn from them, but don't be mean to yourself because of that. You don't deserve that. His crying daughter responds, I'm still mad at myself.

To that he says, I know you're mad at yourself. It's a good lesson to learn, baby. It's not the end of the world, just a really trash moment. In this caption, he explains, I'm becoming a fan of allowing my kids to go through the process, to go through and process tough emotions without swooping in to save them necessarily, just provide a little guidance, reassurance, and love. At the time of the writing, the video has more than 9.3 million views and 590,000 likes and thousands of comments from people commenting on this dad and his

parenting. Many also chimed in to say that they wish they had these conversations like this with their parents whenever they were growing up. I just want to know what your thoughts are. I think so often in our generation and all the generations before us, there was no room for, we all were kind of forced to handle everything internally. I don't know of any of my peers firsthand that whose parents truly listened to them and validated how they felt about anything. They were kind of just left to struggle with it on their own and it was like, suck it up or you'll get them next time or, and that just brushes off the emotions.

It doesn't ever really, to me, he's listening to her, he's hearing her, he's validating her, but he's also letting her work through it herself. And so I think there's a huge difference between also just brushing it off and also handling it in a way where he makes it all better because she does have to learn the tough love part of it and the reality of it, you know?

And so I love that and I think especially too because he's a dad, I think a lot of times on social media we hear moms being gentle parents or trying to validate their kids' emotions and things like that. We never really hear of dads doing it. And so I do love that he's kind of starting to normalize that and getting other dads to recognize that. I work with Elijah a lot on that because I feel like, you know, he has told me, you know, the dynamics between his parents growing up. And I think him and his dad have like an unspoken relationship. That's like what's understood doesn't need to be explained. And I love that for them. Don't get me wrong. I love that for them. But for our kids, like he's so affectionate and like talks to the kids. And I tell him every time I see him do it,

I'm like, I hope that you continue to do that because it helps them work through the things, you know? I think in the time that we were being raised, most dads, and I won't say all, because there's always outliers to every situation. I feel like most dads are known for tough love, right? And so to see this response from a dad on the internet and to see how many people really respected

this type of parenting really means a lot because I feel like the more men see this, the better off our children as a whole will be. Like you don't have to, everything does not have to be tough love. And I also feel like whenever I was growing up, we weren't taught to like sit in our emotions. It was kind of more like, okay, this is what happens

and now you're gonna deal with it and now you're gonna move on from it.. Those things are kind of dictated to you and you weren't really allowed to sit in your emotions. It's like, suck it up, buttercup. Also say you're sorry. Say you're sorry. You're not teaching them anything by forcing them to say sorry today. I can't even, it's crazy that all of this is coming full circle for me. This morning, Lux and Creed got into an argument and Creed very sincerely apologized on his own and that was a proud moment for me. And then secondary to that, we get in the car and Creed says something to Lux and Lux goes, don't talk to me. I didn't accept your apology.

But see, I respect that. And like, truly, like, I couldn't even be mad at him because he was like, I don't accept your apology. And I'm like, well, you're gonna accept it at some point, right? And he's like, I don't know. And it's like, I mean, very trivial. I hope he does. But also saying like, I have to validate that too. Yeah, no, I actually was at the beach last summer.

And one of my friend's daughters had done something and they were trying to get her to apologize. And it was this mentality of say you're sorry right now. And I just said, listen, doesn't seem like she's gonna say sorry. And maybe it's best if she doesn't because if she's not choosing to say sorry on her own, then what does it matter if she says it because she does not mean it. And first one to admit, I used to be that parent. I used to do that, right? I've been there. But now as years go on, I realized that it's just not helpful. It's not

productive. It's not it doesn't do anything for them. So I'm with you. But here's my next question. Now that you have been in that scenario, say it was me and you, and I'm sorry to Lindsay. And then would you feel comfortable in our friendship to say that to me like, Kale, he's not sorry right now. You need to let him would you feel comfortable saying that? Yeah. Yeah. Feel that like that always or only certain people? No, only certain people that like I'm closest to what I feel comfortable in saying that. But let's say the situation like involved me. If I as a parent don't believe in making your child say sorry, and somebody is issuing an

apology to me because they're being forced, I don't want to be the recipient of that either. So I feel like that's okay for me to say, hey, while this is your child and I'm not parenting your child, your child does not have to issue me an apology if they are not sorry. I agree. I would wholeheartedly agree with that. And I think that is also a hot take. I don't think in any world, forcing an apology works. And obviously, you can encourage it like, wow, that really hurt their feelings. I think you should apologize. But if they don't do it, it's not like a say sorry or you're getting in trouble kind of thing. Well, and, you know, at home, I do not make Jackson apologize. He is a very stubborn child.

And I always tell him, you know, hey, this is something that was like really wrong that you did and you should feel sad about this. Like if this does not make you feel sad, it makes me feel sad for you that you don't feel sad. These are things that you owe people apologies for, and I'm not going to make you apologize, but you come to me whenever you feel ready to apologize. And if you never do, don't fake and I'm sorry. Because if you don't mean it, I don't want

to hear it come out of your mouth. It's interesting because I don't necessarily know how to teach empathy. I don't know if you're born with it. I don't know if it can be taught maybe to a certain degree. Last night, you know, some kids go through this not all kids do but Rio will, I don't want to say gently because I don't think he really knows like gentle but like he'll push me away if he doesn't want something. I was holding holding Valley and he pushed me away because he didn't want whatever I don't remember what I was doing. And he accidentally did it to Valley's arm and he kind of saw my he didn't want whatever. I don't remember what I was doing. And he accidentally did it to Valli's arm and he kind of saw my reaction and I was like,

and that's all I did. That's all I did. It was just like, and he looked at me and then he looked at her and then he like patted her on the belly and he like goes to give her a hug. And I'm like, are kids born with that? Like, how did he know?

Was it because of my reaction? Like, cause I mean, he didn't, he was never gonna hurt her. Like she was safe But like also did he understand like the what is it called? What is it like the cue what Kristen? What is it called? Not social cues? That's what I was gonna call it Like the social cue like an emotional cue that like that like wasn't okay Did he like understand that and was like, oh like that wasn't okay now

I need to like he like patted her on the belly. It was so fucking cute. And I literally looked at her and I was like, did you just see that? Because it's so interesting that I don't necessarily feel that all kids have that, but are they born with it or is it nature versus nurture? I don't know. I think a lot of it has to do with personality too.

I think that some people's personality, they just, I would tend to believe, I mean, look at how many children you have, for example. You probably have some children who are way more empathetic than others. Yes. But do you feel like that you have raised them all differently, the ones that have the differences or no? Well, the one that comes to mind is the least empathetic is his dad's the same way.

Okay. So... Very much will fake an apology to appease the other person or to do the right thing. But you can tell by their demeanor and their actions that they are not actually sorry and they actually justify what they did and they're not sorry. And you know that when you have a kid like this, you know that they're not sorry. And you know that when you have a kid like this, you know that they're not sorry. You just know it and you know that they're just saying it just to say it.

And then their demeanor, their attitude, they're all their things. Okay, well now if that's my child, you're in trouble for two things. You're in trouble for now lying because you aren't sorry. And number two, I'm still pissed off at whatever you did that you should have been sorry for. This isn't like an empathy situation, but being a man of your word, if you make a bet with someone, you made a bet.

You don't justify why you're not going to pay your dues. You know what I mean? If you look specifically between two of my children, they'll make a bet or they'll have like a race or whatever, whatever. And one child will always try to justify, well, I didn't shake his hand. I don't give a fuck if you shook his hand. You said what you said. Stand on it. And it's justified in his fucking head why he should not have to be a man of his word. And it grinds my goddamn gears. Listen, I think that we should all be teaching our children that you should not be issuing

fake apologies. Like that to me is creating very bad habits in childhood that they are going to take into their adult life and it's very unhealthy. And you know what Will told me one time? He was like, you are the absolute worst apologizer. And I said, it's not that I'm a bad apologizer. It's the fact that I'm not gonna say sorry for something that I don't feel sorry for.

When I feel sorry for it, then I'll come to you and say, I'm sorry. When I was 14 or 15 years old, I got caught stealing from Kohl's with two of my girlfriends. Wait, back up. Tell me the story. When I was 14 or 15 years old. Not Kohl's.

Kohl's. I got caught stealing with two of my girlfriends. All three of us were doing it. All three of our parents were called and I was the only one sobbing, like full on sobbing my fucking eyes out because one, I knew that I shouldn't have done it and it was a really bad decision and two, I was scared of getting my fucking ass whooped. When I was the last one to be picked up and the like rent a cop was like, you know, she was the only one that was remorseful and I genuinely was remorseful, I would think. I hope I was, but they didn't give a fuck. They didn't even apologize for it, the other two. And it's like, on one hand, not great. But on the other hand, they weren't fucking sorry. You know what I mean? See, I would rather deal with a person like that. Like, don't tell me that you're sorry if you're not sorry, because I'm not going to issue a fake one and I don't want to get one.

I don't like let's just, let's just come correct. Okay. Like, let's just, let's just come correct. Okay. This episode is brought to you by IQ bar. That's what I had after Pilates this morning. I am a huge user of IQ bar in my house and I absolutely love them. They have plant protein bars. It's a quick diet friendly brain boosting breakfast. And I also have upped my water intake by using IQ mix first thing in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon,

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toxic mothers who made their kids' lives absolutely miserable. I found this article on Buzzfeed about toxic mothers making their kids miserable. And so one of them says, my mom knew how uncomfortable her sexual relationship with my dad made me. It all came to a head when she sent my older sister and me to our rooms at 8.30 PM to loudly have sex with my dad. There were two occasions where I had friends visiting and they loudly pretended to have sex. One time kicking me out of my own room and pretending to do it in there. As you can imagine, I stopped inviting people over mainly because I was turned off socially. So how would you feel about this if your parents were constantly making like sexual jokes in front of you and stuff? Like, I just feel like that's kind of disturbing.

I mean, I can only go based off of my lived experience. My dad's always made sexual innuendos or whatever. And it's just something that we grew up with and all of us are just kind of like, stop being a fucking weirdo. You know, like stop being weird. But didn't traumatize me, I don't think by any means. But in that situation, that's like very extreme. I couldn't imagine growing up like that because nobody, I couldn't imagine anybody being comfortable with like knowing that your parents are

doing the hokey pokey or like whatever you want to, like who would want to know that information? Like we obviously know where we came from, but like why do we want to picture that? I just don't. And how would you not be traumatized? There's normalizing and desensitizing to things that I feel need that. But then there's things like, I know my parents had sex. I don't need it to be a running joke all the time. I feel like that's really weird.

So one of the other submissions says, My mother was abusive both physically and mentally. I broke off contact with her when I was kicked out at 14 years old and had to fend for myself on the streets. But the worst thing that she's ever done was when she threatened to burn my house with me and my children inside. I don't know how she found us at the time. She poured gas on our wooden deck and was holding matches. I called the cops terrified she was going to kill my children and me.

While the neighbors stared and one filmed it all, I was inside the home hoping we didn't die. My children didn't know who the crazed lady was and just kind of looked at me. Thankfully the cops arrested her in time. I came to find out that a private investigator had tracked me down for her. The shit stain wasn't even sorry

when he found out what she'd done. First of all, not her calling her mom a shit stain. There has to be some undiagnosed mental illness. Yeah, because I feel like that's such an extreme, like I'm just going to light your house on fire and kill all of y'all. This other one, okay, I don't know what this says, but I know that you're the oldest child, so I'll see if you have any similar experience. My mom is really temperamental. As the oldest kid, most of you know what that means.

I'm the guinea pig and the punching bag. I look exactly like her, so I guess I have to act exactly like her, but I have my dad's temperament and personality. He ruined our family when I was really little, but having an abusive father is better than having no father. She hates him, which means she hates me because I'm exactly like him. I've been trying to leave for two years now as she's threatened to kick

me out multiple times for the most trivial things. She's the most evil and nasty person I've ever met." Now I'm not saying your parents are like that. I'm just saying, do you feel like as the oldest child, you have different responsibilities and pressures than the rest of your siblings? Absolutely. It's something that I don't feel like I cornered the market on that because I think that every oldest child feels like that.

Like you were the first, and I'm sure Isaac has felt like this to some degree too. You're the first. And so obviously it's your parents' first time parenting and you would hope that younger siblings that they would have gotten things right along the way and not make the same mistakes over and over and over again. But definitely, I definitely feel like you're a guinea pig when you're the oldest child.

I cannot tell you how many conversations I've had about my son not being the rest of his sibling's babysitter. And I say that especially because he's the oldest child. Isaac does not already by nature, he has the weight of the world on his shoulder because he's the oldest sibling. I'm not going to then add insult to injury by putting on watching my other kids, doing certain things. I'm not doing that.

Yesterday was my second concession stand duty at the baseball field. I'm already planning to write an email, a very nice, constructive criticism type of email. I'm not slandering the whole fucking place. Just kind of describing the thing, the reason why I can't, there should no longer be parents responsible for running concessions, nonetheless, the money that I'm getting back from the baseball field

is now going towards my babysitter. Yes, it was my oldest child, but it's not his responsibility to watch Lex's game and pay attention to Creed while I'm working concession duty, because my partner is with the babies at home. And Isaac's not old enough to work concessions, et cetera, et cetera. He already has enough on his plate. It is not his job to watch his siblings.

But I say all that to say, I'm not going to add as a mother of several children. I'm never going to add more on his plate intentionally or without compensation. Mm-hmm, no, I agree. But also I feel like because of my type of personality, I always wanted to be a mother. Like from the time I was old enough to even like know what it was and was playing with babies, it was like I was gonna have one boy and I actually got him in real life. But like that was my thing.

I'm gonna have one boy. And then when Chase and Savannah kind of came along, I was already seven years old, seven and eight when they were born. And so by the time I was in like fifth grade, my parents could go to lunch on a Saturday and I wanted to keep them at home with me because it was entertaining because I played with them like they Were babies. Well, that's eldest daughter syndrome. That's a little bit different. I feel yeah, but it's it's And I do think that my parents for my whole life had different expectations on me than others But also if you ask them they would say well I know what your capabilities were in

comparison to some others. And I know what you had the ability to do in comparison to some others. And also you wanted to watch them and stuff. Isaac doesn't fucking like kids. So interesting how that all plays. Isaac doesn't even like kids. He doesn't. He don't fuck with them kids.

Oh my gosh. Okay. So another listener topic. This person says, can we talk about investing in someone and not reaping the benefits of that investment when it comes to relationships? I feel like this is something that is not talked about, which adds to the hurt of a breakup. I'm involved with someone and we are just at the middle hurdle where honestly, I don't

know if we're going to get over it or not. And it hurts so much because I think about all the time I invested and when I think about possibly leaving, I think about someone is going to reap all of the benefits I put into this man, his improved credit scores, showing him different countries, pushing him to move up and work and earning great money. Okay, I absolutely love this topic because it's definitely something that I struggled with in the divorce process. Started dating Will at 19. So there was a lot of things that I feel like I taught him just as a female

to a male that he did not know. And the thoughts of us building a life together financially and knowing that somebody else was going to benefit from some of that financial gain very much bothered me. And I think it's very true, like the saying, one man's trash is another woman, or one man's trash is another man's treasure, or you know, like vice versa, whatever. I would not change what I did in my marriage, right? I would not change any of those things. But does it sting to know that somebody else is going to reap benefits of something that like I worked hard to get to that point and now I'm not benefiting from that? That sucks.

No, it does. And it takes a lot of therapy to get through this. And I say that because, and I've talked about this before, so it's not like a secret or anything. And I'm not trying to be redundant, but repetitive. It took a long time for me to get it. So I hope that, you know, maybe the other times that I've said it, the listeners maybe didn't get it, and maybe they'll get it today. But water seeks its own level. So those that are healing and going to therapy and taking actual necessary steps and are actually doing the work. I'm not saying you're just talking about doing the work like you're doing the work.

You're going to recognize that water seeks its own level, right? So when you realize, when you get to a place where you realize that the whole time you were dating a fucking two, it doesn't matter if they get to level 10, you're still above them and they will seek out their own level. So that person in some ways is most likely not actually reaping the benefits that you think they are. You know what?

I've never really thought of it like that. So you could be a 10 and they're a five when you meet them, you get them to like an eight, you're already doing the necessary steps and work to continue your 10 to a 12. And so you're already, yeah, with that comes heartbreak and experience and you know, you're, you're always healing. You're never healed. So you're going to keep going. They, you might have leveled them up, but who leveled them up? You did. So they're stagnant now. They're not continuing up unless they're actually

doing the work. And my guess is they would have done that with you if that's what they were going to do. Coffee Como's podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Let's face it, sometimes multitasking can be overwhelming. Like when your favorite podcast is playing and the person next to you is talking and your car fan is blasting, all while you're trying to find the perfect parting spot. But then again, sometimes multitasking is easy like quoting with Progressive Insurance. They do the hard work of comparing rates so you can find a great rate that works for you even if it's not with them. Give their nifty

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as over 1 million other businesses with stamps.com. Sign up with promo code coffee for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale, no long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code coffee. No, I very much struggle with the thoughts of wasting time and can very much relate to this person. And I think even more so now in the dating process, right? Like, what's the point of wasting time with someone like what you're saying, if their capabilities don't match what

yours are, and you're constantly depositing, and they're constantly withdrawing, right? That's never going to work out. So you might as well just identify that you have wasted time and it's better to say, okay, well, I wasted this amount of time, but I didn't allow it to continue. If you're identifying that this might be a time waste, then it probably is a time waste. Can we normalize finding people that are on our level but willing to grow? So when I say on our level, I don't mean that we're constantly depositing into each other, but in a way that's like, okay,

Elijah and I, we have these goals of like, we don't want a full farm or anything like that, but like, we got the chickens, like we're willing to do this chicken thing together, right? Like that's something that we wanted to do, even though I surprised him prematurely, whatever. We want to build a house, right? Like these are things that we're wanting to do together.

But if it was a constant, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, and he's reaping the benefits, you're not on my level. So you could say all until you're blue in the face that you want these things. But if you're not executing certain things to get to those, just cut your losses and be done. Because it sounds good in theory that like you're doing it together,

but are you doing it together? Are these goals that you want to do together or you guys achieving? individual goals only and then trying to fit the puzzle pieces together because I think there's a difference to like you want to grow together, but People I think think they're gonna grow together and then they don't and then it ends up being very one-sided I've very much been in a situation like that before and it absolutely was not my marriage. I will just say when you're constantly making deposits and somebody else is making withdrawals and they don't show interest to make any deposits, they don't show any effort to attempt to figure out how to make a deposit.

And I'm not talking financially. This could be financially, this could be emotionally, it could be mentally. My parents always told me growing up that the Bible talks about being evenly yoked with somebody. And whether you believe biblical, anything. I believe that saying to be true, that you have to find somebody who is on your

level and that does not mean in a financial aspect whenever I say that, emotionally, mentally, physically. Unless you do do that, it will not work. It might work for a short period of time, but you will get to a point where you realize that it was never going to work. It's exhausting That is the most mentally and Emotionally exhausting thing to go through agreed. I agree and that's why I think you always have to do your due diligence and Make sure you make a list of the facts and then make sure you make a list of what your concerns are and I've become a big list girly, pros

and cons. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And I know that sounds so trivial, but I think it is so important to do because when you are sitting down and like reading these things back to yourself that you have said, it almost like makes it more real. Like saying things out loud and really like letting it sink in, that sucks. Sometimes that sucks. Yeah, it does. But I agree, I agree with you. I'm gonna tell you what I want for Mother's Day and Elijah, if you're fucking listening, just kidding,

I wanna lock it, I wanna gold lock it with my kids' pictures in it, that's what I want. A gold lock it, wait, but how are you gonna get a gold lock it with all of your children's pictures in it? Because it's a lot of children's. Well, ideally, Elijah, if you're listening is, and children, Isaac Elliott Rivera and Lincoln Marshall Marquand, there's different sizes, right? So like, I'm going to have like a bigger one to layer.

Okay. So I can have a smaller one and then a bigger one so that it like, we can arrange them. But I saw this one on Etsy specifically. I'll link it. I'll send it to you guys as a link. And I may or may not have sent it to the group chat. We have a group chat called Mom's House. And then it has our safety code.

It's like our code, Mom's House code. It's like the emoji that we use if we're in danger slash whatever. But let me show you on Etsy. I have it like favorited because I really, really want it. I would, like I said, prefer two sizes, but I don't want to get too picky. Oh, okay. That makes sense. It's cute. So you could do like a bigger one and then a smaller one so like more kids could

like fit. But also most kids or most families probably don't have seven kids. So I feel like that's also, it could just be like a number seven, you know what I mean? And then whatever the, on the other side. So I really like that idea. Also Mother's Day gifts. I'm big for like massages, nail salon, things that are very practical. I'm a very much a practical gift giving girly. So candles, wah-wah gift cards, those types of things. I absolutely love to get experiences, like practical experiences. So like, please, if Will Campbell is listening to this, love my nail salon gift cards

because I really need to have them done right now. Thank you and have a great day. And on that note, foul play. Foul play. When I was pregnant with my first son, my mom would bring my sisters to visit after school because she would keep some of their friends for 20 to 30 minutes until their parents were off work. So it worked out well.

One day, my sister and her friend went to the bathroom while the rest of us were outside, my husband got home after they left and noticed a horrible smell in the bathroom. I had no idea what it could be, but I told him to check it out because I'm a pukey pregnant person. Well, he found out my sister's friend had taken a whole entire shit in our bathroom trash Wait, why my husband took out the trash and cleaned it? He's a saint Well, I called my mom and told her I had to ask my sister and had her ask my sister

My mom said she went to the bathroom first and then her friend went in so the toilet was vacant. But my mom said it would embarrass her if she brought it up so she was just literally never talked about it again except making jokes to each other. My sister's friends older brother started working with my husband last year and he told him the story. Her brother said, sounds about right

and they changed the subject. The next day her brother said he asked her about it and she just laughed. So that was the closure we got. Also worth mentioning, we have three bathrooms. So even when my sister was on the toilet, there are two more she could have used. I don't understand. If someone took a shit in my fucking trash can, no, I'm calling you because you're going to come clean up your own shit.

Like I don't care how embarrassed. No, because why was the brother so nonchalant and said sounds about right. It's almost like some fetish stuff. That's exactly what I was thinking. Like some kind of weird like you're not going to clarify or elaborate that any further. Yeah, sounds about right. She has a weird phobia of toilet shitting in a toilet. Oh, yeah, she probably should have taken that trash.

Also, if you shit in a trash can, maybe tie the trash bag up and throw it out yourself. But why are we shitting in a trash can? That's why I still cannot wrap my head around why we're shitting in a trash can. Not understanding. Also, why was there never any more questions when the brother said, sounds about right? That's what I'm saying.

Like why was there no other- Like why would you be like, what do you mean? Like, what do you mean? Right? Because men are so dumb. They don't think to ask questions like that that are like Necessary questions. Like is she a regular Trash can shitter? Like I just don't understand. I don't understand. No, I'm the end. Anyway, moving on. Hi ladies Love the podcast y'all have been a1 since day one and you keep me going each and every week. Now here's my embarrassing story. My husband is in the military so we're separated a lot, which means I have to find ways to self-pleasure when feeling strikes.

Well, I thought I would make things interesting by using my shower head. Oh dear God. Wait, what? The shower head is phenomenal if you have the right God. Actually, actually, no. Wait, what? The shower head is phenomenal if you have the right one. Wait, so you're experienced in this? Mm-hmm. Okay, well she says it's the biggest mistake ever, so I'm gonna need to hear your story in a second.

Not even two days later, I'm having itching and burning and irritation down there, so I go to the doctor because it's overwhelmingly apparent that something is wrong. I gave myself BV by trying new things to get off. I had no idea this was possible or using a showerhead was douching. How bad is it for your vaginal and how bad it is for your vaginal health? When you know better, you do better. Please don't be dumb like me." Let me stop you right there because when using a shower head, you're not using it in your

vagina. Wait, what are you doing? You use the pressure of the water at your clit, not inside your vagina. So let's talk about that for a second because why are you putting it? You're not supposed to be shoving the... You're not douching. You're absolutely not douching. So are you saying that she stuck the shower head in her vagina? Either she did that or she shot the water inside her vagina.

So she like literally like douched. That's not what you're supposed to be doing. That's not, that's not the shower head situation. Well, I didn't even know the shower head situation was a thing. Well, my shower head doesn't have that setting anymore because it's like I moved. So I haven't ever, I haven't done that in years, but absolutely not. You're not supposed to douche. That's not where it goes. So I'm judging you. So wait, what's the pressure of the shower head that you are using? Because people are

going to ask. The like the highest setting where it's like, like say this is a shower, this is like a foam stand, like the like say this is a shot this is like a foam stand right so say this is like hand hand shower hand held shower thing where it only squirts out of the the few things in the center instead of being like a full spray yeah wait it's like just these ones and it's like really hard pressure you know what I mean now all of these bitches that listen to this podcast are going like if you guys get in trouble using your showerhead, like absolutely do not fucking blame us. I hate that this girl got BB and I'm glad that she gave us this foul play because I

love it so much. Thank you guys for always supporting our show. Please subscribe and review on the Apple podcast app following right on Spotify or listen wherever you get your podcast. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram and join our Facebook group to connect with us in our community. We hope you guys have a great week you and your showerhead and we'll talk to you soon. See ya.

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