Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 105: God Hates Helicopters

Episode Date: July 1, 2013

Want to stream Cognitive Dissonance to your Android or iPhone? Buy the app. Go to DissonancePod.com and click on the link on the right-hand side of the page. Each purchase helps support the show. Hey, this is Tristan from Lexington, Kentucky. Just calling in regards to the preacher you were talking about who was doing the little kit in the last podcast, episode 104. I got a little song for you.

Hope you enjoy it. I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started preaching for. I'm going to thrust these kids all through the glory hole. Oh, I can't stop this feeling anymore. Hope y'all enjoyed it. Take care. Bye. Hi, Tom and Cecil. This is Chris calling

from New York City. I'm a big fan of your show. I've been listening for probably about six months now. Pretty much heard the entire back catalog of things I've missed. It only gets better and better. Just wanted to let you know you guys cracked me up when you started laughing at each other's jokes. Many times I've been sitting on the subway and just laughing out loud, listening to my headphones.

People probably think I'm a wacko. But anyway, I just wanted to call you and tell you great job. I love the Tara Palin bit where she says that the AWA will sort it out. I just can't help but to think that there's a phrase that perfectly describes that, and that phrase is, you can't hide class. But thanks a lot, guys. Keep up the good work. Oh, glory to God. Hey, boys, this is Chip again. I just thought I'd mention Sylvia Brown. I dug up an old interview of hers with Larry King, where he asks where the spirits are. So she says, and I quote, they're three feet up off the ground. On this topography, they exist with us. We just

can't see them because they go to a higher vibration than we do. See, we're the world of antimatter. This is transient. We're all, like you said, we're all going to die. Our houses are going to go away. Our cars get old. We get old. That goes. That stays. That's the eternal. Now, of course, that all makes sense. But the key fact there is that the ghosts are all three feet off the ground from us. So what that means is as you walk around, you're getting a whole shitload of ghost crotches in your face. You're walking around smacking your face in the ghost crotches and you don't even know. Now, perhaps you could also consider you're giving ghost fellatio everywhere you go.

As you walk around, you're just sucking off all those ghosts. I suppose the girl ghost too. You're giving ghost cunnilingus everywhere you go. That's why by the end of the day, your mouth is dry and kind of gross and your breath is bad. That's why you have to brush your teeth at night. Ghost fellatio. Glory hole. Hey, people at home. This is Terry from the Amateur Skeptics podcast.

I'm calling with a crazy prayer story. When I was around age 10, every time I went to the bathroom, I would beg God to make my body grow a penis. It wasn't that I thought I was born in the wrong body. It was that the older I got, the more acutely I felt the walls of my little world closing in. Acting like a lady was code for shut the fuck up. Church and family lessons were increasingly about how to be a pure and submissive wife

and how the most precious gift I could give my husband would be my virginity. My kids told me that I was too smart for my own good and that intelligence was wasted on a girl. The most precious gift I could give my husband would be my virginity. My parents told me that I was too smart for my own good and that intelligence was wasted on a girl. I watched an unthinking, dystopian, submissive, ignorant hell unfold before me, and I thought throwing a penis was my only way out. Still penisless and therefore still powerless. I left the church when I was 15. I eventually went to college and became an atheist.

It turns out that I didn't eat my very own penis after all. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat.

This is an episode of Cognitive Dissonance. It's up to you to keep track at this point. After 104, I think I've done my due diligence. I think so, too. Yeah, I mean, really, I mean, and I think this is sort of the audience participation point Why don't we just be like This is episode And then they could fill in the blank It's like when you go to the concert

And they stop singing for a second And they throw their hands out to the crowd And I always hate By the way when you're at a concert and they do that And I'm like wait a minute I fucking didn't pay to hear myself You sing the fucking song next to me saying right sing the whole song you lazy son of a bitch i'd tell you the worst experience i had with an asshole singing i went to roger waters sings the wall with

sarah and uh rod i'm not a huge pink floyd fan i don't really care but my wife loves them so we go to see roger waters sings the wall or. And it was actually a really good show. Like there was like, you know, I mean, it was just a really neat stage show, sort of harkened back to the old times when they had like props and shit. And like, I mean, it was just really crazy. But at the end, and I don't know how familiar I with The Wall, but there's like a part where the guy is doing a trial. And it's a trial where somebody and now we're going to put up the prosecution and the prosecution says you're crazy and blah blah blah and it's and they're sort of sing talking their way through it yeah and this jag off behind me is shouting the lyrics as he goes through it

and it's like the like it's the thing that you would think no one would ever sing along to like who sings along to this it's like sing talking it's weird dude that you would think no one would ever sing along to. Like, who sings along to this? It's like sing-talking. It's weird. Dude, that's a guy proving to everyone around him that he's a super fan. That he watched I've Seen the Wall a million times. Right. I know this fucking thing.

I know every fucking word of it, dude. He's got his fucking hipster glasses on. He's a fucking PBR. He's a fucking Floyd hipster, absolutely. You know, he's just like, yeah, I even know the fucking trial shit. So when Roger Waters holds his hand up, this is the guy who thinks you're talking to me, Roger. I'll fill in. No problem.

Don't worry, I'll fill in. He's ready to fill in at a fucking moment's notice. Absolutely. He's just ready. Like, he's going to be there at that show Where Rogers Waters sprains his voice He's like We need somebody from the crowd to sing Is there any singer in the crowd

Is there somebody who knows the lyrics To the wall Only one brave hand Is raised in the crowd of thousands I know them I know them all What's even better is Rogers Waters is singing And he looks down and sees this guy so intently sing along, he has to call him up on stage to sing it with him.

I like that moment where he just stops the band. He does a left-right look. Hold on, guys. He throws his hands out, points out to the crowd. The other guy points back at himself with a, who me? And then the crowd lifts him up and carries him to the crowd. The other guy like points back at himself like with a who me and then the crowd lifts him up and carries him to the stage. Beautiful women filleting

him on the way. That has happened so many times in rock history. So many times. This is episode 105. 105 people. 105. so this story is from you did a good job there thank you this story is from sydney morning herald um victims may have consented says rabbi. Or maybe not, because they're victims. That's my favorite part.

I read this article and it's like, wait a minute. If they consented, they weren't really victims. I see what you're doing here. This story is so packed, Cecil, full of fucking crazy. So full of crazy. It's like a fucking Cadbury

cream egg of bullshit. This guy is great. You know, he is the most Jewish sounding man I've ever heard in my life. When I clicked on this to listen to this guy talk, I was like, holy shit. I'm glad they subtitled it.

I thought the same thing. I actually stopped listening and just was reading the subtitles because it's like a fucking Woody Allen movie. I barely understand the guy. I thought it was in like a deli or something. It's almost a caricature. Oh, my gosh. It's that. It's like, oh, hey, what you going to do?

Oh, yeah. He's so bad. You may have consented. You're like, what? But the ladies. What are you going to do? Oh, yeah. He's so bad. And they have consented. And you're like, what? But the ladies. But he says, the best part, I think, of this is when he's talking about teenagers from poor backgrounds. He says, teenagers from poor backgrounds had nothing else to do in life, only thinking

24 hours about sex with each other, members of their own family, and even dogs. with each other, members of their own family, and even dogs. Because when I was a teenager, I have to admit I came from a poor background. And really, the sort of sex with a dog doesn't come up with a lot, but it comes up when you're poor. I mean, it just comes up. You're just like, well, you know, I could have sex with a dog now. I'm kind of hungry. My shoes are sort of worn out.

I'm getting made fun of at school. Sex with a dog? Yeah, let's do that. That would fix the problem. Yeah. I like that. It's like, I've got nothing else to think of. Yeah, because being called dog fucker at school isn't going to change anything.

You know, what struck me as crazy about that line, too, is in the beginning, he's like, he basically says, like, it's not like our kids where they have plenty of money i know these poor kids they'll fuck anything you know it'll fuck it they'll fuck it it's it's it's just so it's so insulting because he even says something like it's not like our kids who have plenty of money yeah i know that's like he prefaces it to be like hey remember let's not forget the poor people they're less likely to be people. Well, come on, I mean, Tom, the guy's Jewish, so he's got a lot of money. Yeah, right. I mean, what a stereotype. Like, he stereotypes his own people. He stereotypes his own people.

And then he's talking about, like, hey, you know all these kids, maybe they consent to the kids 11. How does an 11 year old consent to something? And then he's like, hey, they're basically the same age. Like, there's a 10 year age gap. How is 10 years basically the same age. Like, there's a 10-year age gap. How is 10 years basically the same age? I think 10 years, when you're as old as this fucking guy,

10 years doesn't matter. Like, 10 years is, this guy could sleep for fucking 10 years, Rip Van Winkle here. Yeah, when you are 109, like, there's no difference between 99 and 100. 99 to 109. Right. You're just like, hey, my kidneys don't work either. Yeah.

Hey. But there's a huge difference when you're 11. Because 10 years ago, that dude was 10 and you were 1. Yeah. Like there's a huge difference. Like between a 21-year-old and an 11-year-old. It's kind of, yeah. I mean, you know, I don't know of a single society that thinks that that's okay.

11, dude. Fucking 11. What were the, well, we covered a few weeks ago. Wasn't Saudi Arabia trying to reduce the marriage age to nine? I take that back. Yeah. Some of them do think that nine years old. I know.

And then he says, like, involving the police, that would open a can of worms. Yes, the police do open cans of worms when they get involved in fucking children. Like, when your community is trying to hide child fucking, that is a can of worms. That's a sticky wicket. Really? People, you know, sometimes people actually fucking investigate that shit. This guy, though, is, you know, not only does he start by apologizing for the, you know, the person who's diddling, but then he just works his way deeper and deeper and deeper into a hole. At the end of it, you're just thinking, can this guy say anything more crazy? Like if the person would have killed him, be like, well, you know, sometimes you just got to kill these goyums.

Right. Like, if the person would have killed him, he'd be like, well, you know, sometimes you just got to kill these goyums. I know, right? As you watch him speak, you're like, that's got to be the craziest thing he'll say. Yeah, you keep thinking the crazy meter isn't going to go any higher. Doesn't this guy have handlers? Because one would think that this guy, this isn't the first time his crazy has been fucking dribbling out of his mouth. I know.

You know, like the fucking drool from his fake teeth. Fake teeth? One would assume that he would put like minders on this old man to help him in and out of his rascal cart and like to make sure he doesn't say crazy, super crazy and even crazier shit all the time. He needs a handler to brush his fucking beard out. Good lord. Could you imagine how many crumbs are in that thing? Well, that's when he's having sex with the chimps. He just relies on them to pull the

nits out. They just have sex with animals. Just any animal. Any animal if they're poor because poor people have no morals. Dude, it's like I'm poor, so I'm going to commit bestiality. Yeah. Well, and like sex is the only thing you think about when you're poor. What about not being poor?

Like I can think about that for a while. No, no, no. You just have to accept your place in life and then fuck a dog. God. It's like that blue velvet like, Oh, fuck anything that moves. Oh, fuck anything that moves. So this story comes from Sackbee.com. Hip-hop, poetry, singers, classical music to star in Muslim event. There is evidently going to be an Islamic expression of tradition and contemporary art.

The event, perhaps the first of its kind in the nation, challenges the belief among some orthodox Muslims that music can lead to sinful behavior. And I love the line from this imam. It's like, it's risky. It's not risky. My first thought was like, no, it's not risky. See, most people just play music and then that's kind of where it ends. They're just like, hey, did you hear that song? Yeah.

And then I totally drank like a fifth of vodka and fucked a dog. Yeah, well, exactly. Well, the reason why is because here's how his mindset. He says it's a chain reaction. When people listen to music, they ask for alcohol, which leads to adultery. I have drank a lot of alcohol in my life. I have never committed adultery. Have you?

Yes. Okay, fine. But have you ever listened to music and then not drank alcohol? It's never happened, right? On occasion, I have. No, it's impossible. I don't even work listening to Pandora sipping scotch. Like, what's happening? It's impossible. You can't. Because, I mean, this guy's logic is flawless. Yeah. If you hear music, you just have to booze it up. It is flawless because I'm going to read the next part here. He says the person in the mosque said there's not a mosque in the world that allows music.

And he said, so how can we allow it outside the mosque? And I was thinking to myself, I'm like, is there a mosque in the world that allows sex? Right. Because you're having that too. If you can't do it in the mosque, you're not allowed to do it at all. It's like, do they allow, is there a mosque in the world where they birth babies? Yeah, well, this guy, right? You know what I mean? Like, of all the things, like, there's a million things you don't do in mosque.

Yeah, well, but then you're not supposed to be doing them. And if you are doing them. Do they have a mosque where you eat, like, eat and drink? Because I don't know if they eat and drink with their food or with their prayer. The Christians have their little wafer and their wine. Their morning snack.

Their morning snack, but do the Muslims do that? And if they don't, then you're eating outside the mosque. How can you eat outside the mosque? You can't do it in the mosque. How could you do it outside the mosque? He even says that. How can we allow it outside the mosque? I'm't do it in the mosque. How could you do it outside the mosque? He even says that. You can't. How can we allow it outside the mosque?

I'm so frustrated right now. What you don't understand is Muslims are magic. They are? And they don't have to eat and drink or have sex to procreate. Oh. Like, they don't. I had no idea. Yeah.

I mean, you should just do some fucking research, man. Jesus. I do a lot of work for this podcast. Research is not one of them. It's such a crazy thing to say. He says later, I mean, he just says some crazy, crazy shit. Oh, he's kooky. Music has, I'm not making this up.

Music has magic. It gets in your blood and makes you want to get up and dance and forget your personality. Your butt is shaking and she's going to get up and her butt is going to shake. And where is the religion then? Well, actually, what you're doing is you're telling her where the flowers are when your butt is shaking. You're like, okay, so the flowers are outside. You got to turn

a left at the tree. It's like a bee dance. It's a fucking honey dance. Right? It's a fucking honey dance everybody do the cherry OB they're doing like the chicken dance and they're wiggling their ass and telling each other like no this is where you need to go my favorite part of

this is at the bottom it says this is the dude this guy who wants to have it. His name is Imam M.A. Aziz. And I'm like, first off, it's M.C., dude. It's not M.A. But he says, why not present an alternative? Instead of listening to rap music filled with filth, why not listen to clean rap?

And I was thinking, well, you don't listen to clean rap because it sucks. It's like listening to country music that doesn't have a dog that dies in it. Or listening to blues and your girl is completely faithful and you have a happy marriage and a nice job. That is bad blues. That's not

good blues music. Or you listen to death metal and nothing gets sacrificed and no one dies. Everybody's happy. Or you listen to like death metal and nothing gets sacrificed and no one does. Like everybody's happy. Or the lyrics are understandable. Yeah, the lyrics are like, the lyrics are understandable. That was clear as a bell. Wow. I liked his enunciation.

He was, I mean, his diction was spot on. He must be an Oxford man. There's a reason why you don't listen to it. Because it sucks, dude. This one guy says, there's something reason why you don't listen to it because it sucks dude this this one guy says there's something wrong with music and people's natural desires and inclinations to enjoy music and poetry there's a belief that it is synonymous with sin let me tell you as a poet like and being a part of a poetry community that is the least fucking like sinful adulterer. Like those people can't get laid to save their lives.

Are you fucking kidding me? Poetry is the most fucking, it's either like the most aggressively academic stayed, you know, fucking tweed jacketed community. Or it's a community of fucking misfits. Those are the two parts of the community. It's the fucking goonies, man. Nobody fucks the goonies. I know because I'm in that community. That's awesome, man.

I've been to a lot of readings. They say the only instrument you're allowed is, Prophet Muhammad allowed was a drum, a tabla they call it, I guess. And not more than two at a time. Let's not get crazy here. Let's not start having a fucking bongo session. Jesus, you have three

drums? Right to hell. That's it. Right to hell with you. Anybody? Don't you? Don't hit it a third time. We're done. Good game. Good game. We said this before. Way to take the joy out of life.

Oh, gosh. No booze, no music, no adultery, no sex with animals. What are you going to do on a Saturday? I mean, the no music thing is just weird. You're crossing over into, I mean, first off, the fundamentalist Islamic culture is fucking wackadoo as it is. Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, there is some crazy shit that goes on with the Sharia law and with the marrying of the fucking nine years old and the fucking stoning women when they have an adulterous relationship or when they get raped. I mean, there's so much stuff you can put on there. When you say it like that, it sounds bad.

And just be like, they're pretty crazy. But then you start looking at it and you're like, okay, you can't even listen to music. You're getting into like Jehovah Witness crazy. Right. And that's like a special kind of crazy. Can I still have a birthday? No. Do I still get to have a birthday?

Who objects to these things who's like i don't want any poetry actually isn't the quran kind of poet i like that the jehovah witness also like try to delete joy too with no christmas and no birthdays there's like no joy no joy stop smiling and you can't dance either i don't think right isn't that like the jehovah witness oh yeah i don't think you can? Isn't that like the Jehovah Witness? Oh yeah, I don't think you can dance. And I think you have to like button your fucking shirt up to your nose or some shit like You gotta put it like

to wear like a fucking Cobra Commander mask when you walk around. You're like, like everything's covered. You're wearing a diver's mask and a snorkel. Like that's the next step. You just It's just a bunch of people covered head to toe in wetsuits wearing snorkel. Like, that's the next step. You just... It's just a bunch of people covered head to toe in wetsuits

wearing snorkels and blinders just... You have to pour fucking food and water down that thing like a feed tube. We love the Lord. Remember a great life you gave us. Thanks for giving us, like, thanks for

making us naturally inclined toward music fucking babies dance yeah children seek out rhythms by tapping on shit from fucking extraordinary like so so god creates you and then it's like oh man you're gonna love this one you're gonna like this right i totally made you like music but you're not allowed to like it. What? Why did you do that? No, no, no. It's awesome. You're going to love it.

But if you love it, oh, burn it right in hell. It's going to be great. It's awesome. Hey, this is William from Wisconsin. I'm calling in with my infidel song. I'm calling in with my infidel song. Ah-la-la-ah-la. Ah-la-la-ah-la.

Ah-la-la-ah-la. Ah-la-la-ah-la. Do-do-do-do-do. Ah-ji-ha. Cecil, I think this might be one of my very favorite stories. This comes from the Huffington Post. Pork-laced bullets designed to send Muslims straight to hell. The name of the ammo is G-Hog ammo. G-Hog.

And it's being made by a bunch of fucking crazed hill people in Washington State. Oh, man. You know that while they are spraying the pork lard laced paint on these bullets, there is a banjo playing somewhere. Fucking Thor.

This is actually Idaho. I'm sorry, not Washington. The story's out of Washington. I'm sorry. South Fork Industries, based in Dalton Gardens actually Idaho, I'm sorry, not Washington. The story's out of Washington, I'm sorry. South Fork Industries, based in Dalton Gardens, Idaho, claims that its ammunition is a defensive deterrent to those who violently act in the name of Islam. The bullets are coated in pork-infused paint, which the company states makes the ammo haram, or unclean, and therefore will keep a Muslim who's shot with one of the bullets from entering paradise.

And my very first thought was, when you're making this ammo, in order for this ammo to be effective, right? Like, this is making silver bullets, right? Right. Oh, absolutely. It's silver bullets. Yeah. So you've got to believe in werewolves. Or they don't work.

So I have to believe in the Koran in order for my magic bullet to work. So don't I have to for threat of the pork bullet? Wouldn't they have to know that you had a bullet that was pork laden? Right. Wouldn't you have to like send them a message? Wouldn't you have to like shout at them beforehand and be like, freeze, I have pork bullets. Pork bullets. And they'd be like, oh, fuck.

Oh, freeze, imam, freeze. You know, like they're like immediately drop their weapons. forehand and be like freeze i have pork bullets oh fuck oh freeze him on freeze you know like like they're like immediately drop their weapons and they like they're like hold it they like hold up their fucking like suicide trigger and they're just like no no no no no pork bullets no pork bullets did you take the dynamite maybe it is pork dynamite where did you buy where did you buy this is crazy look god that's terrible this is. This is just like it's the craziest. And the quote here, this is a fucking quote from a press release with G-Hog ammo. Hold on. Hold on.

We got to play banjo music underneath you. Oh, yeah. Actually, if everybody in the audience, the listeners right now, if you can get out your Confederate flags and just wave them. If you could lower your IQ by like 100 points, that would help too. One thing that will help you do that, by the way, is Chaw and just wave them. If you could lower your IQ by like 100 points, that would help too. One thing that'll help you do that, by the way, is Chaw and Budweiser.

Yeah. So that actually will automatically reduce the IQ. All right, so let me start the banjo music. Go ahead. With G-Hog ammo, you don't just kill

an Islamic terrorist, you also send him to hell. That should give would-be martyrs something to think about before they launch an attack. If it ever becomes necessary to defend yourself and those around you, our ammo works on two levels. Hold on now, the he-he is a sick at the end. Oh yeah, right.

That was definitely an editorial edit, so. Pork bullets! Yeah. They're like xenophobia bullets. Why don't you just beat them with a slab of bacon? We're just going to have cluster bombs of pork ribs. You're like a nunchuck that's made out of two pork tenderloins. You're just like spinning it around.

Bayonets of ham bones? Yeah. Charge! Oh, no! I got ham! You got a little sledgehammer made out of a piggy skull. You just run around whacking them.

Not to say that this is a stupid idea, but even the people that they question that are talking about the Muslims that talk about the Koran, they're like, there's no penalty for coming into contact with pork in the Koran. She said, pointing to verses that prohibit the consumption of pork and carrion that are reminiscent of Jewish and dietary laws outlined in the Vickis. To my knowledge, Muslims, especially unknowingly, would not be banned from heaven for eating or getting hit by pork. I love that. be banned from heaven for eating or getting hit by pork. I love that. There are some interpreters who suggest that Muslims should eat pork rather than starve if faced with an alternative.

I'm thinking there's some interpreters. Right. Like there's people who are like, no, you should die if you're faced with either pork or starvation. Really? Yeah. If the option in front of me. I need these fucking bullets.

Are you kidding me? I know, right? Like I lick these bullets clean. I need these fucking bullets. Are you kidding me? I know, right? Like, I'd lick these bullets clean. I would. I'm not going to lie to you. I would taste one of these right now. I'm not even hungry. I fucking just ate before we recorded.

I just ate. Yeah. I would lick these bullets clean. Yeah. I'm just saying. It's just like pork knuckles in your mouth. Shake them out. It's just like pork knuckles in your mouth. Shake them out. This is such a hillbilly response to their fucking racist, xenophobic bullshit.

And they don't even bother to understand what they're attacking. Yeah. You know, it's like their press release is like, it works on two levels. It doesn't work on two levels. You misunderstand levels. It works on a level because it kills them. Right. And they are dead.

But their slogan is awesome, though. I mean, come on. They really did think this one through. Put some ham in Mohamed. And they got a Target poster that says, give him a spanking with some bacon. It doesn't even rhyme properly. It doesn't really rhyme as well. I love it in this story, too.

It has this guy, Ted. He's like, I'm buying 500 rounds. 500 rounds? Where are you that you need five? Are you fucking defending the New World Trade Center? Like, what are you doing with 500? This guy probably hasn't met 500 Muslims in his life. He's like expecting like a wave of Muslim zombies to come crashing toward him.

It is altogether right to discriminate against homosexual behavior. I'm arguing that it's time that we as conservatives, that we rehabilitate the word discriminate, that we reclaim it, that we dust it off and that use it, and that we use it unapologetically. And I believe we need to begin to say, look, it is altogether right for a rational culture to discriminate against homosexual behavior. This story also comes from the Huffington Post. Scalia slams, quote, legalistic argle-bargle, re-argues homosexual sodomy in dissenting DOMA rant. I read Scalia's dissenting opinion, much of it.

It's just filled with Argyle Bargle. Like, this guy is the king of Argyle Bargle. So to criticize somebody else for Argyle Bargle when you yourself are the greatest Argyle Bargler seems somewhat hypocritical to me. I love that.

What a dumb fucking thing to say. And, you know, like this is a guy who's on the highest court in the country, this little fucking hobgoblin. I know. Look at this guy. I know. He's like a less coked out Martin Scorsese. And less talented. Much less talented. Much less talented.

He said some interesting stuff here about DOMA, about, you know, he has this dissenting opinion. He thinks that they shouldn't be striking down DOMA. And DOMA just came in a couple years. It's not like the fucking founding father sat down. Isn't this guy one of these guys

who's like constitutional, constitutional, constitutional. I mean, this just came in 20 you know 20 years ago 30 years ago whenever clinton signed it in whatever how clinton wasn't even in there though 20 years ago you know at this point so clinton signed it into law and it's like okay well you know it's not like you're fucking ruining some fucking long tradition here it's been in there for 20 years let's get rid of it we put it in there because of our fucking homophobic fears that were, you know, climbing over everybody back when we started outlawing fucking gay marriage in all the different states. That's when it started to become a big deal because of the conservative right. You know, the Christian right that pours in,

not the, you know, it's not conservatives. It's the Christian right that just overtook that entire group of people and then made that decision and pressured the president. And the one thing I saw today that I thought was pretty insightful, people are giving Clinton shit because he comes out and says it was the right decision, even though he's the one who signed it into law. And a bunch of people are like, oh, he signed it into law. And you're like, yeah, well, signed it into law. And a bunch of people are like, oh, he signed it into law. And you're like, yeah, well, I think that we have a different opinion

when it comes to politicians. And I saw a clever comic on this. It showed one person who was like, my opinions are 100%. I never change my opinions, blah, blah, blah. And they label that person as a hard head. And then they say, well, as long as I'm presented with evidence

and I change my mind, it's okay. And then they're like, this guy's an open-minded, smart person. And then they say, well, you know, as long as I'm presented with evidence and I change my mind, it's okay. You know, I'm like, and then they're like, this guy's an open-minded, you know, sort of smart person. And then they put them as politicians. And you're like, this guy is a party liner and this guy's a flip-flopper. You know, like whenever you change your mind in politics, immediately people are like, oh, you're a flip-flopper. And you're like, well, you know, you can change your mind. You're okay. It's okay to change your mind. Being a flip-flopper doesn't matter as long as you change your mind to the right important thing. The social policy that makes sense, it's okay to fucking change your mind. Yeah, I was an idiot. I signed a stupid law into practice. Well, I also think it's important to note that the president's job is not to subvert Congress.

Congress passes laws, whether he likes them or not. I mean, he's got veto power for sure. I mean, don't mistake me. But, you know, if you just veto everything, you're just like, I didn't like that one. I'm going to veto that one. I'm just going to go and veto everything. I'm I mean, you're subverting Congress. You got to fucking work with these people to get things done. Let's not pretend that that's not how politics works.

The president has the power not to sign the bill. He can veto it. The veto can get overturned, right? I mean, they have the numerical numbers. They can just... Numerical numbers? Yeah. No, those are things. If they've got the fucking numbers. They've got the thingy things. Adding with the ones and such. They can

overturn the veto. But I also think it's not his fucking job. Like, the executive branch's job is not just, like, I'm just going to subvert the will of Congress. Like, I'm just going to fucking piss on the legislative branch. I just don't think that's how it's supposed to work. But, you know, like I think Scalia is pissed off here because he's got to recognize at this point that he is on the wrong side of history. Yeah.

And he's being called out for it. And these guys don't like being called out for it. And he's ranting and raving about it. You know, he's saying in this thing that, you know, he basically doesn't like being labeled. I mean, I'm paraphrasing, but he doesn't like being labeled an enemy of the human race for for supporting this sort of discrimination. And it's, you know, like all you have to do is substitute, you know, African-Americans for gay people. Yeah. Ask the same question or put the same phrases in front of them. And it sounds crazily antiquated, like crazily antiquated. But this guy's clearly on the wrong side of history and he's got to be pissed off.

Like he is in a spot where he can't win, right? He is clearly a conservative judge. He's whether we want to pretend otherwise or not, he has people to answer to as well. He's a conservative judge. He's always been a conservative. These are his friends. These are the power brokers that he deals with on a daily basis. friends, these are the power brokers that he deals with on a daily basis. He has no choice as Scalia at this point, but to rule against this thing. But he knows he's going to come out looking like a giant dick. And I think that's why he screams Argyle, Argyle. I mean, he does.

I mean, if you look at him, like if you look at his, the way his face sags, he does kind of look like a giant dick. I mean, like, like, I mean, I'm not like, I mean, anatomically, he looks like a dick. Justice glands. Yeah. You know, all this white stuff coming out of his mouth all the time. He's foaming constantly. Now, you know, actually, when this passed, when DOMA was struck down or whatever this

week, I went on Facebook because I kind of wanted to see, like, I was looking for the people who I once in a while get into the arguments with when it comes to like gun control or whatever the hell it is. You know, the conservative side of my Facebook. Sure. And I kind of went out of my way to sort of see what they were saying. And they were kind of silent on it.

And I think that that's a great thing. That, you know, even the people who maybe sort of subtly don't like it, but don't they don't care enough to say anything about it. And that's a good thing. It's like, you know, great. You don't like it, but you're being quiet and you should be because it's you're you're in the wrong here. It's not it's not that it's it's my political party's decision and we won because we happen to have the right amount of people in the right place. It's that this was a moral right and it was solidified by the court and that's important.

And sometimes there are these things that you can just point to and be like, no, this is the right thing to do. This is the important right thing to do. And we need to stand up for what the moral right thing is, whether or not our religion says it's wrong or whatever antiquated bullshit thing we're thinking. We want to, you know, whatever anchor that is holding us back is saying that it's wrong. We need to tell those voices to shut the fuck up and be like, look, we're doing the right thing. We're making sure that people who are in love can get married.

What the fuck is the harm in that? married. What the fuck is the harm in that? And I think that, you know, I'm happy to see that dissenting opinion that is so prevalent on other issues is completely, it was at least for me, completely silent. I know that there, I'm sure other people had different experiences, but when it came to me, like nobody was coming out and being like, this is a bullshit overthrowing of our rights. I just don't think it's defensible anymore. And you can see clearly from his, the rambling bullshit fucking, you know, complete idiocy that he has to spew out, that it's just indefensible.

I mean, you have an intelligent guy, like, I mean, he's a smart guy. He's a fucking Supreme Court, for Christ's sakes. Yes, he is. He can't even put together a cohesive fucking piece on this. He is all over the map. And I want to point out one thing that I think is extremely important from his childish ranting and raving. And that's when he says he refers to court sanctioned homosexual sodomy. And I think one of the things that opponents of same sex marriages always bring up is the sex act that's involved. up is the sex act that's involved.

The least important thing in a marriage is frequently the sex act. You know, the idea that you would boil down somebody's relationship with somebody else, like the loving, lifelong commitment that somebody has with somebody else and make it about what they like to do in the bedroom. That's the only thing about this marriage that's important. The only thing, like the least, I mean, not the least, but like the least important thing to other people about my relationship with my wife is what I do with her in the bedroom. Right? Like you can't boil down my marriage. Like you can't take 17 years of being with this woman and say, not all married, but 17 years of being with this woman and say, like, it's all

about what you like to do with her in the bed. Like, that's what that's what your marriage is about. It's about sex. Like the marriage is not about sex. I mean, sex is part of a marriage, but it's to to boil a loving relationship down to just an act of sex is so fucking myopic and reductionist and foolish that it's an insult. And this guy insults, you know, you want to talk about like demeaning all marriages. That's a demeaning of all marriages. That's a demeaning of all relationships. Yeah.

And it's not that homosexual sodomy is illegal. I can do that whenever the fuck I want. Sure. Who cares whether I'm doing it and I happen to be able to, you know, collect the life insurance policy and see my loved one in the fucking in the in the hospital without having to go through a bunch of bullshit. You know what I mean? Like who cares whether or not like those are the important things. Those are the pieces of the puzzle that they've been missing out on. puzzle that they've been missing out on, you know, having rights over whether or not somebody's,

you know, where their estate goes and where they can, whether they can see them when they're sick and, you know, whether or not they can pull the plug and all those really bad, shitty end of life decisions, as well as, you know, other decisions that go into being married, you know, the, the difficult times, that's the important stuff, the sex and that stuff, holding fucking hands. That's the fucking easy stuff. They can do that right fucking now, man. I know. They can be in a relationship and they can butt fuck right now. They can do it right fucking now. So the idea that you're going to be like, well, now they're sanctioning it.

It was already fucking sanctioned, dude. Right. And it's not like you can't have sex with your wife in the butt. Yeah, I know. It's just so crazy. Like, sodomy is not restricted. And sodomy isn't exclusively anal sex either. No, it's oral so crazy. Like sodomy is not restricted. And sodomy isn't isn't exclusively anal sex either. No, it's oral sex, too.

Right. Like it's not exclusive to the homosexual community by any stretch of the imagination. It's like, you know, look, you can only have missionary sex when you're married. You can't have eyes closed in the dark anal sex or you can't even do it, doggy. You just can't. You can't. You know, look, if she or you can't even do it, doggy. You just can't. You can't. You know, look, if she is enjoying it too much, you're doing it wrong. And if the woman's on top, you have to hit her just because.

Absolutely. Yeah. She might. Yeah. You don't want her to think she's in charge. Oh, no. Goodness. No.

So we're going to take a quick break and give you all the means necessary to contact us. And we'll return in just a moment for the rest of the show. Want to contact Cognitive Dissonance? Visit them on Facebook. You can find the link at the website dissonancepod.com or type it in the Facebook search bar. Be sure to follow the guys on Twitter. Their handle is at dissonance underscore pod. The guys also post to Google Plus now too, so check them out there. And if you'd like to email them, you can do so at dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. You can also leave a comment on the blog at their webpage or give them a call at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828.

Long distance rates apply. And to everyone who listens, shares, shares retweets or rates the show cognitive dissonance would like to cordially thank you for all of your fucking support so i actually found this story cecil a couple of different places i linked to it from planet ivy.co.uk which is really not a news site it's just a blog thing. But I thought it was very funny. Christian domestic discipline, spanking in the name of the Lord. And I love the image here. The image that they use is like some woman's butt with like a pair of like red leopard panties

and this hand that's smacking it wearing like weird, old-fashioned like leather driving gloves. Like somebody just got done driving like a beat-up 93 Jaguar that they're overly proud of. And they have like these crazy little sausage fingers. I know. Like I think the thing is like – The pinky doesn't even make them. I don't know if it looks cool. sausage fingers. I know. Like, I think the thing is, is like, like these gloves accentuate all the deformities

of your hand. Like, that's what they do. Like, like, it's like, it's like, they're like thigh highs for your fingers, you know? And it's just like the nasty dirt under the fingernails, long nails with these sausage fingers. You're just like, those are the worst gloves you could fucking possibly wear, and you're not a hand model. I'm not.

Actually, looking at the nails, that might be a woman's hand. I can't tell exactly. Sure. But whatever. That's fine. If it's homosexual spanking, then that's even better, right? But it's all good, too, right? Because that's allowed now.

So this story all centers around Christian domestic discipline, which is basically a way to control and beat your wife and call it something else. Yeah, it's a way to hit your wife is what it is. And justify it. And justify it. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's funny because Tom and I got a chance to look through this learner's packet, which is the very first thing that they suggest you look at. And the learner's packet is decorated with a banner on every page that has a little tree with a heart on it.

And it's like, oh, look at these little trees with the heart. And this is like loving. And it's funny because they use the same logo three times on the same page. Like there's two logos in the top and then it's a watermarked in the back. And you're like, Who's the graphic designer who thought this was a good idea? We really like this tree! We're going to use it three times a page!

It's like a tree made of hearts. It's weird. Anyway, the idea here behind this packet unless it's satire, unless it's somebody who's just making something up, this is really some horrible shit. It's a way in which for the head, you know, the head of the household, they never say the man. Although if you look at the images, they don't

show a man leaning over the bed, they show a woman's ass leaning over the bed. And then they show the woman leaning over the couch for the, uh, for the leaning over the arm of a posted furniture position. And then there's kneeling on the furniture position that she could also have, um, that you, so you could whoop her ass and the, and you know, it's, it's, this is obviously a woman's ass. This is not a, you know, when they say had a household, they clearly mean a man and they clearly mean that the woman is going to be the submissive partner here. Right. And they're not talking about like, I mean, that would be bad enough. They're not talking about like hitting her in the ass with your hand they specifically recommend that you use an implement yeah to hit somebody because that's just like it just hurts more like it just

whatever implement you use unless it's like a fucking pool noodle they suggest using things like a hairbrush yeah and they say like they say use like a third to half of your strength with a hairbrush yeah what that's just that's not that's not discipline and first of all your your wife is not a dog like a dog needs discipline right a dog needs to be fucking corrected. Your wife is a human being and she's not the lesser party in your household. You don't have to fucking bend her over the bed and hit her in order to get things like in order to work out a problem. That's not working out a problem.

That's take. I don't care how they couch this. It's taking out your aggression and frustration physically on your wife. And, I mean, you kind of hit it right on the head there. You know, you own a dog. You know what I mean? Like when people say, like, is that your dog? Be like, yeah, that's my dog.

Right. I own that dog. I am his master, right? That's the language. I am his master. He's my slave. It's my slave dog. You know what I mean? Like when I tell my dog to do something, it should do it. When it does the. It's my slave dog. You know what I mean? Like, when I tell my dog

to do something, it should do it. When it does the wrong thing, I discipline it. And now that, you know, some people obviously, I'm sure like, you know, when it goes to, you know, when it's children too, you know, like when you hit your children they're sort of like the ideas about whether or not you should hit them and all that stuff. And I'm not advocating hitting dogs, but I know

that people do that to discipline them. I've seen people hit their dogs. So, and, and, and a lot of times people don't think twice about it. You don't own another person. You just don't own your wife. You know what I mean? Like you, you are a partner in that relationship. That's why partner makes sense when people say it, you know, we're a partner. It's not that I'm more important than she is in the relationship or she's more important than I am. It's we're, we're partners. And is in the relationship or she's more important than I am. We're partners. And this is a perfect example of a relationship where you would never refer to your significant other as a partner.

You would never do that because you're not a partnership. This isn't a democracy. It's a fucking dictatorship. You do what I say. And if you don't, there's something – you're going to get punished. And the punishment is not just getting beat. And I have my strength. Let's say I could throw a fastball 50 miles an hour. Let's say, you know, 25 mile an hour smack on the ass is going to fucking hurt. That's going to, that's going to be a really painful thing. And there's other stuff

in here. Tom, you were reading some of the things, the privileges they take away. Yeah, they're talking, too, about, and this is, if anything, this is more insulting. Because it's one thing to get hit. It's another thing to be treated like a fucking child. And they say some examples of privileges that can be removed include, but are not necessarily limited to, driving privileges. Going out with friends privileges, television privileges, phone privileges. And this one might even be, this one is just insulting, cosmetics privileges. What kind of fucking animal of a man do you have to be to be like, fuck you, you did bad. You have to look ugly today.

You know what I mean? Like, yeah, you can't put on. I'm not saying that makeup. That's not what I fucking mean. But to take away somebody's cosmetics, if they are a person that uses cosmetics is an attack on their self-esteem. That's what it is. That's like that's so aggressive. That's what it is. That's like, that's so aggressive. That's so incredibly passive-aggressive. I can't.

And the idea that a woman using the telephone is exercising a privilege? Yeah. A privilege? A telephone. I don't give my wife privileges. She's a fucking free person. She's a grown free person. Yeah, she's a grown ass woman. She uses a telephone

because she owns a telephone. Yeah. The same way I don't own her. Yeah. So she can pick up the fucking phone and use it. I think that the cosmetics too points again to had a household as dude. Yeah. You know what I mean? Of course. Like Sarah could take

away my cosmetic privileges from now until ever. Right. You'd be like, okay, I'm not going to do the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I'm going to go other parts. I mean like, yeah, like I can't, you know, maybe I can't, you know, there's nothing I can't do. Right. I can do all the things.

Like, you know, like what's my cosmetics? You take away my deodorant. Okay. Well, I'll just make sure I shower more. Yeah, right. Take away mine, it's like, jokes on you. Yeah, I know. I'll get used to this. Yeah. I'm not feeling the one suffering.

When it comes to, I mean, like, really, it's just another point to them saying, you know, they're couching their words when they go through to say, you know, they don't say man and woman, but, you know, what they really mean to say is, you know, it's a man and a woman. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And, you know, the language in this thing, too, like the punishment is generally used when the privilege is being misused or abused, but it can also be a punishment for specific behaviors and it can be used as motivation

as well. For example, quote, before I left for work, you said you'd get all the laundry done, but it sounds like you've watched TV all day instead. No more TV until the laundry's finished. It's up to you when you get your TV privilege back. Fuck you! Really? You didn't get the fucking

laundry done while I was at work? Are you kidding me? I'm sorry, 1944 call. I know they want their booklet back. This just in, wartime. I'm like, what the fuck? We're melting down tin cans for armor here.

It's crazy. It's crazy. Let's all go to the movies and watch a newsreel. No kidding, man. God. This just in. This is how you spank your wife. Loose lips sink ships.

Punch your wife in the mouth and she can't talk. A correct punch will make her lips swell so much. They'll never be loose again. Jerry doesn't like a talking woman now. Off to you, Sparky. I'm Raymond Massey, and I have a special message for senior citizens. Today's doctors, drugs, and medical devices truly work medical miracles for young and old alike. But there are some as phony as a $3 bill.

Investigate before you invest in health services or products. Help stamp out quackery. This story is from TheExaminer.com. But don't go there, because their website is my balls. And I won't be linking to them again. Oregon faith healing parents get 90 days in jail and three years

probation. What they should get is all the days in jail as many days as they can stay in jail and no more kids like that's what they should get. Like it should just be like Oregon faith healing parents it shouldn't even say that because faith healing is fake right oregon shithead parents get all the

days in jail we'll never see child again um well their child's never gonna see them again they had this kid this kid align elena alana Alana, Alana, was born with it. Born with it. Just born with it. With a growth on her eye that ended up taking over one side of her face. And holy fuck does it ever take over one side of her face. It's like she has a compound eye that you would find on like a fly. It's terrible.

It looks horrifying. I asked Tom, I was was like I can't even find Where her eyelid like opens Like I can't even like I'm trying to look At this picture and don't look at this picture Unless you like not safe For life things because this picture Is not safe for life but if you look at this picture

You know you see like it looks like You know there's a pulsating orb on her Face that's covered in like like, red and purple. And it's obviously a fucking painful giant cyst of some kind. Oh, yeah. And it's, and I cannot for the life of me figure out where her eye went. Like, her eye is just gone because there's no, like, it's just like a big giant bubble. And there's no place for her where you know she would actually

have an eye her face she was born with this thing and nobody steps up nobody like this family like they prayed about it they fucking rubbed some oil on it like this is not high school gym class like you don't just rub some dirt on it when you got a thing that ate your face. Like when you have a baby and you're like, it's got a face hugger on it. Have we been in a space recently, honey? No. No. No chest bursters. Ripley didn't come over

earlier this week. So that's not a thing. No. Then I think we need to take our fucking baby to the hospital. Well, what's a baby not born in a hospital? Did the doctor deliver me like oh looks fine here you go you know i read that and my first thought was i'll bet you this baby wasn't born in a house yeah i guess you're probably you know i don't know that i'm speculating of course so if i can take it with seven grains of salt right but you know like if if my cousin or brother or uncle or co-worker or neighbor or acquaintance at the Quickie Mart was like, hey, I had a kid.

And you're like, oh, yeah, let me see your kid. And you're like, fuck, something's eating your kid's face. It's like a 1950s horror movie that they just show the reactions of people holding their fucking hands over their mouths like, like immediately when you unveil the kid, you know there's something wrong. And nobody says like, did you take him to the doctor? Like, oh no, we rubbed some oil on it. I don't think that's going to work. You know, your kid is half good looking.

What's wrong with the one side of the face? Man, is it, was it like a conjoined twin? Where's the other? It's like another, it's like fucking there's a whole other fucking body on your face. It's like all the mosquitoes in the world bit the kid right in the same spot. Oh my gosh. It's like she's growing a fucking steer out the side of her head. And the article says she's going to lose some vision in that eye.

30% chance of regaining full vision. That's amazing. It's amazing. It's almost like if you take a kid to the doctor, they can help. Because I'll tell you what, right now I can guarantee, and I'm no

scientist. No. But I can guarantee she has 0% vision in that eye. Yeah, I can guarantee, and I'm no, I'm no scientician. No. But I can guarantee she has 0% vision in that eye. Yeah, no. I can't even locate the eye. If left untreated, now I'm speculating again, but if left untreated, my guess is there's a 0% chance that gets better on its own. Yeah, I know. It's not, you're going to rub some dirt on it and walk that fucker off.

You know, you're totally right though when you said that they probably had the kid at home because obviously, you know, these people hate they won't do any kind of medical attention anyway. So they probably you're probably absolutely right. They had the kid at home. I mean, why would you go to the hospital? They wouldn't go. It doesn't I mean, it's not in keeping with with with their faith.

I think one doesn't this a test of faith? And then doesn't God fail the test? What more thing do you have to do to fail a test? No, I think the way they get that, the way they work their fucking little tiny fucking minds around this is what they do is they say, well, we weren't faithful enough

or the baby wasn't faithful enough or this is God's fucking will. The baby wasn't faithful enough. Baby is God's fucking will. The baby wasn't faithful enough. Baby's got a lot on her mind. Fucking devil baby. What's on her mind is a giant cyst that's being pressed against her mind. Against her fucking eye.

You know? I will tell you, you know, this will tell you what kind of horrifying story this is at the bottom. It says the you may like stories. And one of them is a live dog dropped off at animal shelter wrapped in sealed plastic bags. Another one is update

on dog in Brazil suffering from horrific wound. Another one has teen boy tortured abused and locked in room for years by these stories. Who's like oh that is a story I would like. Who likes all these? You're like oh man the examiner knows me so well.

I love horrific abuse. You're looking at something that should make you throw up. Let's see if we can push that. Yeah, nauseous yet? No. The world has some cruelties up its sleeve. You want answers? I think I'm entitled.

You want answers. I want the truth! You can't handle the truth! This story is fucking terrific, too. This is good stuff. This is a raw story. Texas pastor. Donate to fix my helicopter and get a new car from God.

That's pretty much the story. This guy wants his helicopter fixed. He's got a helicopter that has a... What the fuck is he, Richie Rich? Who has a helicopter? And his helicopter needs a million dollars of repairs. That's not a repair anymore. That's called a new helicopter.

Does it really need a million dollars of repairs? I thought it did, yeah. I thought it needed a million dollars in repairs. Oh, no, no, no. It's estimated at a million dollar helicopter. It needs $50,000 in repairs. Oh, no, no, no. It's estimated at a million dollar helicopter. It needs $50,000 in repairs. I'm sorry. I misread it.

Yeah, that's why. He just needs, all he needs is 1,000 people to donate the $52. And that's what he's saying. He's saying he wants $52, and then in 52 days or 52 weeks, you know, maybe we could go either way. Sometimes I get my 52s mixed up. I can't tell my weeks from my days sometimes. You know, they say I created the whole goddamn world in seven days. Took a day off, too.

Didn't even need that last one. Maybe it was seven weeks. Who knows? I don't know. There was no calendars back then. I've been trying to sync my phone, but it ain't working. My iCal appointments aren't working very well. I should have created iPhone before I created light.

I will say I'm a sucker for numbers that match, though. 52. 52 and 52. And God will just give you a car. And I actually want to... I'm just rolling them off the lot. 52 and 52. And God will just give you a car. And I actually wonder. I'm just rolling them off the lot. I can't keep them in stock.

Zero percent on everything. We'll give you $1,000 on your trade in no matter what it is. It could be a donkey. Now, I know you said you'd never buy domestic again. donkey. Now, I know you said you'd never buy domestic again. This guy is just like, he's just stealing money from people. You know, he's just asking for money, Tom. They're willingly giving

it to him. Oh, yeah, right. They think they're going to get a car, they're going to get the transportation favor. Seriously, what is that about? You give me $52 and in a year

I will get you a car. That's a deal I would make right now. I don't even care if it's a $500 car. It could be the shittiest. It could be four wheels and two axles and it's worth more than $52. It could be the shittiest car and it could not start whatever. It's still worth more than $52. I mean, it could be the shittiest

car and they could not start whatever. It's still worth more than $52. Hell, call Victory Auto Records. Get more than that for your car. But the idea here is it sounds like a good deal if you believe that God is

somehow going to fucking go into the back lot of his cars and quickly give it to you because it didn't go on auction last week? If God had that many cars, does he not have helicopters? And like, you know, if he knew I needed a car, wouldn't he just give me a car? Yeah. Why do I need to make the $52 transaction? Imagine this. To his representative.

How is this supposed to work? God's up there and he's like, we got ourselves a problem. That guy needs his helimocopter fixed, but I don't know nothing about no helimocopters. Hmm. Maybe if enough people, I'll just give him a car.

I mean, it's just so convoluted. Like, the whole scheme is so convoluted. God is checking his, like, invoice. He's got his Excel sheet. He's like, so if you give me $52, I'll give you a car. And then we'll put it in the bank and we'll pay for the helicopter repairman. Like, yeah. Like, I mean, where's the in and outs in this budget?

I have to first make a helicopter repairman, though. I don't understand QuickBooks very well. I'm not sure this is a good idea. Like the little paper clip is in the corner telling him what to do. It's just like, hey, would you like to create a new document? No, I do not want to create a new document. It does not. I know it.

I'm not writing a letter. That's it. I'm sending you to hell. Clippy, it's in hell. Clippy should be in hell. You know, the thing is that the aviation experts in this article value the church's helicopter at a million. New Light, I like that, New Light, also owns a Hawker jet valued at two million and an aviation hangar valued at three million.

This guy doesn't have 50 grand to pay for his helicopter. Just take a mortgage out on the hangar. What do you want the helicopter for? Are you helilifting people to safety from zombies? What are you doing with a helicopter? It's for all the times that the jet doesn't suffice. I know. You're just like, oh, man, I have got to fix my helicopter.

You see, I need the hovering capabilities to hover over the tops of houses and pray. Because if I fly over them, I pray too fast. And then I get the prayers will sprinkle down on the wrong people. You know, I mean, that's like. It's like the Santa Claus problem. Like he goes too fast. So he melts the world or whatever. It's like, why don't you just drive over there?

Whoa, whoa. Fuck you. I got things to do. Jesus. This is ridiculous. This is the Church of Prosperity, Cecil. The Gospel of Prosperity. It's got like a fucking golden helicopter

that he's got to fix. It should just be painted on the bottom of it. Fuck you, parishioners. No kidding, right? I mean, you know, it's amazing. You think about how they're handling this particular thing. And you know, this isn't the first time something like this has happened where they've had to – they got $6 million up to buy the other things, unless they're mortgaged or whatever.

But they got up $6 million before to buy all of the other various things. That doesn't include the church or this guy's salary or his car or any of that other stuff. So they've got up the money before in the past, so this obviously isn't the first time he's done something like this. Can you imagine the kind of money that's rolling in at this church if he's asking these people for this kind of stuff all the time? It's got to be. I'd love to see this guy's car.

And his house. I mean, if he's that flamboyant. Tax-free. I know. That's the most insulting thing is this guy has some magic man in the sky that's getting the $52, not him. Bullshit. It's buying you a fucking

helicopter repairs. I know. And we're subsidizing it. Everybody else, let's just say I want to do some work in my kitchen, which is something I actually want to do. I have to save that money up. All that money that I'm getting that that I'm saving up, is taxed.

And when I pay for the work, there's going to be a sales tax on that. You're going to get taxed and then taxed again. And this guy gets to just... He doesn't pay sales tax. I bet you the helicopter is totally

included in no tax. I'm almost positive it's not. pay sales tax i bet you the helicopter is totally not totally included in no tax transportation i gotta have a helicopter i'm almost positive it's not glory hole guys it's mike here from calgary alberta up in canada where we're facing some of the craziest flood waters that that hillbilly god has ever bestowed on our wonderful city. I'm telling all my friends to download your podcast. There's not much we can do up here. We're sort of locked in our homes for the time being, so I figured we might as well be entertained by you guys and spread the good word, as it were. I wanted to share a quote with you. Everyone's been saying

what a miracle it is that there's been so little loss of life given all the damage up here. And our mayor had a great response to the comments of a miracle. He says, quote, it is only a miracle when you've got people working hard to make it so, end quote. That's Calgary's Mayor Nahad Nenshi. Great to hear a voice of reason with all the craziness going on. If any of your listeners are feeling like they'd like to help out or they're friends to the north, we'd certainly love the support. Donations to the Red Cross are always the way to go. Thanks very much, guys.

We got a bunch of email. We obviously can't deal with it all. We want to thank everybody who sent an email. If you didn't get a response from us, understand that we read it all, and we read it all every week. We want to thank everybody who sent an email. If you didn't get a response from us, understand that we read it all and we read it all every week. We want to thank everybody who rates us on iTunes. iTunes is a great way to make sure that other people get a chance to see the podcast. If you rate us on iTunes,

normally bounces us up a bit on iTunes on their ratings. We're in comedy now. So it actually, it's more important now to rate us. We wind up getting a higher rated and then we get lifted up in the ratings and then people will see us more. And it's actually very helpful. So if you can rate us on iTunes and you haven't done it yet, please do so. But we want to thank everybody who's rated us so far.

We got some email here, one from Frank. Frank cracked us up here with this. This is pretty funny. His email is hilarious. Hi, guys. Glory Hall from Liverpool. Being the best problem solvers on the radio, here are a couple I have. I accidentally saw my next door neighbor topless through our fence and felt the need to pull myself off. In the process of doing this, my finger accidentally slipped up my arse. Accidentally.

He's using air quotes there when he says accidentally. And to my horror, my wife saw it all through the window. My first question is, do you think she's a pervert? I love it! Yes, the answer is yes. And you should spank her. Yeah, right. Take away her viewing privileges. Yeah, take away her watching

you wank it privileges. No windows for you. Back into the closet. Secondly, I had the hottest fucking curry two nights ago, and I have a burning arsehole. I asked my wife for advice, but she just told me ring sting. I've called him, and he's none the wiser. My arse is still burning.

Can you help? Well, you rang sting, so I don't know. I mean, really, I think of all the people that are burning assholes, I think he could probably help you out the most. At least you didn't say, like, he blew the seal. Yeah. You know. He's going down on a Scarface guy. Thank you, Frank.

Thank you. That was very funny. We got an email from Tom. Tom says, would it be possible or terribly obnoxious to request that the audio for the Skeptic's Creed automatically start playing when it loads? That way, if I run across some obnoxious people on Facebook or Twitter, I can link to it. Tom's expression of disgust is much better than I can achieve. alternative, if you like that page the way it is, make a new one that does this and other things you wish to be shown, like a link to the current podcast,

pictures you deem appropriate to the Creed, links to smart people, a Twitter window that will have your current tweets in it. Since you are using the content, we send you to fill out your show. It seems like the least you can do to give

us a tool to fight with. No, the least I can do is nothing. That seems like the least you can do to give us a tool to fight with. No, the least I can do is nothing. Yeah, I've checked. That is clearly the least I can do. And I want to make sure that I let you down off like slowly here and say that I will continue to do nothing. I actually don't really like web pages

that start and play music. I kind of find them a little obnoxious. So I don't, I don't like that, but the creed is playable on that page. So if you send somebody there and they want to play it great. Um, you could also send them the sound file. I think that might work, but, um, but I'm not gonna, I'm not going to create a page like that. I am however, probably going to take your advice and put a Twitter, Twitter window with our current tweets in it because we are tweeting a lot. And I think that that's a good place to put sort of current stories.

So I'm going to see if there's a widget that I can put on the homepage. So that is a good idea. But I'm not going to create a whole other page for it. I'll just put it on the homepage there. And the last thing you say, since you're using the content to fill out your show, I want to be clear here and say that we got a couple of other emails based on this. And I just want to point out, Tom and I really appreciate when people send

us stuff and we try to make sure that they recognize that we appreciate it by playing it. We don't have to play it. We just do because we think it's the right thing to do and the nice thing to do. But this is our show and we get a chance to

talk for 45 minutes to an hour. And then when people call in, we think it's the nice thing to do to play their stuff. So it's not that we're using their content to fill out our show, unless that was a joke, Tom, if it was, ha ha. But we're not using their content to fill out our show. We're just doing it because we think it's the nice thing to do. Yeah. I also, I got to say, please don't give Cecil ideas about the least we can do or he can do. That's my role. I really don't.

That's my niche. I have spent years carving out the least I can do model. He's been very good at it, too. Yeah. I mean, like other podcasters have come to him and be like, how i do less yeah and tom has actually does seminars on this and i don't show up i still cash the check we got a movie review suggestion from uh from daniel and daniel says we should check out this movie called freedom of Silence. And it's on Netflix On Demand. And he says, here's the review of it or the synopsis.

It says, in the year 2030, that's like fucking right around the corner, really. I mean, 2030 is not that far off. In the year 2030, and the government has outlawed Christianity, enters Zach Thompson. Wasn't he a NFL player? Zach Thompson. A brave man who teams up with a friend to hack into the government's computer system to reclaim religious freedom for Americans. This has to go on our list.

Thank you very much, Daniel, for sending it to us. Casey sends us a message, and Casey says that he's from New Mexico, and he would like to plug his podcast. He's doing a podcast called Sergeant Skeptic and discusses atheism and skepticism from a military perspective. They air live on Blog Talk Radio on Monday nights, 7 p.m. Pacific time, 10 Eastern. They market toward the military and they try to make

it accessible to everyone. For more information about the podcast, you can check it out at blogtalkradio.com forward slash sergeant-skeptic-podcast. I will post a link to this on this episode, episode 105. So if you're looking for it, you can find it there. Casey, good luck to you. Thanks for listening.

Yeah, thank you. I'll check out the show, and I think that's a cool niche that you're carving out, and I think it's a necessary one. We got an email from Marsh this week, Tom. We did. He said, hey, fellas, random thing. You talked about Navina Shine on your last show

and I interviewed her yesterday. You guys should check it out. It's episode six of Be Reasonable. You guys should all check out Be Reasonable. It's a great show. She was actually pretty sweet and genuine.

Nice lady. Wrong, though. I like that. I kind of want to. I haven't listened to this yet, Marsh, but I will this week. I'm kind of anxious to hear what you have to say to her.

You know, it's so funny because when I listen to it, I get a little frustrated because sometimes I want to be condescending, but I know that's not Marsh's gig. And so it's a totally different feeling. So if you want to hear what these people have to say, I think this is a great podcast for you to listen to. Tom, there was a correction, a little bit of a correction to the skeptics' creed that Alex sent in. Yeah, Alex says he just realized something about the skeptics' creed after listening to it about 416 times. In lines 9 through 10,

double bubble, toil, and trouble. I know, as most people should, it's a reference to the Three Witches and Shakespeare's Macbeth, Act 4, Scene 1, to be specific. Unfortunately, the line bubble, bubble, and bubble, toil and trouble, et cetera, et cetera. The persistent global Zikist is actually incorrect. Being an avid performer who has done this play a few times, I know.

And feel free to check reputable scripts that the line is, in fact, double, double, not double bubble. Double double, not double bubble. And he asked me, now that I know that it's incorrect, will I update the skeptics creed to be more accurate? No, I won't. But I appreciate the correction. I'm not updating it. I'm not not updating it just to be a dickhead, although I am a dickhead. You know, the skeptics creed was written long before the show was. It was a poem that I performed at a poetry competition a while back.

And it wasn't, it's not the Skeptic's Creed. It's called Doubting Thomas. Doubting Thomas, yeah. Yes. We just repurposed it for this program. And that poem has, it exists on its own. It's my feeling that if I can be so pretentious as to call something like this art, that art exists sort of separate from the academic sphere often, even if it can refer to something academic. And I admit that I got it wrong, but it has a life outside of – it's had a life for many years at for many years at this point. Um, and a life outside of, uh, the, the realm of Macbeth. So, um, I think art with all of its flaws is still art and it's still worth, uh, being out there. And I'm not ashamed that I made a mistake on it. Uh, I'm okay

with it. I like every time I see it now, I'm going to kind of grin at myself. Like, yeah, I, I fucked that up. You know, it's like, uh, you think of it as a painting with a bad brushstroke. You know, it's like it's still out there and I'm not unhappy with it. So, yeah. And I also think that, you know, one of the things you say is my question is, will you update the skeptics creed to be more accurate because of new evidence? We must change our models, opinions and stances. Yeah, I think in science you absolutely have to to do that, but in art you don't. And I think that, um, you know, especially when it comes to, you know, we're talking about poetry here, you wouldn't change a, you know, like Tom said, you wouldn't change a, a, a painting if, you know, if it came out

that something is more anatomically correct or something, you wouldn't change it. I mean, you know, starry night does not look like a starry night. I mean, it looks like a bunch of brushstrokes. So, um, so I feel like, you know, that would be like saying, well, your, your drawing isn't as accurate as it can be. Well, yeah, that's okay. Um, we're okay. We're okay with that. So, but that's an interesting point. And it's something I had never really considered. And it is, I looked it up. He's right. It is double, double. Oh yeah. I, you know Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just wrong. And I'm used to it. I mean, it's funny that you didn't get it right because double-double, I mean, isn't

that what you order every time you go to McDonald's or something? It's actually a triple-double-double. There you go. Yeah, they have to make it separate. It breaks the register. The register overheats trying to- The grill falls onto the ground. It takes two men and a boy to lift it out to my car.

Right, because they have to bring that whole five-gallon bucket of grease. I have to put it in my kid's car seat just to drive it home. We got an email from Christina. And Christina says, in reference to the guy talking about the different levels of the Ark, the bottom floor being the poop floor, I couldn't help but think of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Yes, while both are post-apocalyptic stories, but more importantly, where Barter Town is run by

an underground shit factory. Perhaps Noah is like Teter Turner, who keeps all the residents in check, and God is like a master blaster who powers Barter Town. I love that. That's awesome. I love that. It's awesome. I love that. It's such a throwback to that movie.

It's so great. Two lions enter. Two lions also leave, most likely. Two lions poop. And then it goes onto the lower floor. That's actually how the dinosaurs went extinct. They just had fucking Thunderdome battles and they lost. And then Tina Turner sings a song and Mel Gibson screams about Jews.

They wouldn't let Mel Gibson on that ship anyway. They were all Jews. That's true. He would definitely drown in the flood. He would definitely have drowned. Tom, you like this image we got from Genesis. Genesis sent this to us. He says, just before you enter the Las Vegas Strip,

and we will be going to Las Vegas within a week and a half, two weeks? Yeah, a couple weeks. A couple weeks, we're going to be going to Vegas for TAM, the amazing meeting which is happening out there. We're going to be there for Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. But this image has something funny there. Yeah, it says, what happens in Vegas? God knows. Be not deceived.

God is not mocked. God is mocked at least once a week. Yeah. God has been mocked for 105 consecutive episodes. I'm just saying. I know. And not just one God either. Right.

All the gods. We have mocked a multitude of gods. God is not mocked. If you're factually inaccurate. We got a cognitive dissonance Call to prayer I'm going to give this a shot Tom Alright Okay so here goes

This is from Duck Soup I can't wait I loathe eggnog I loathe eggnog I loathe eggnog I love it Yeah so there you go I love that you fucking say it

That's good I think it turned out alright You killed it Dude you fucking killed it Nice job Doug Soup We got an email from Matt We got a lot of emails from people And a lot of messages from people Talking about food stamps

And subsistence living And things like that And A lot of people A ton of sympathy, a ton of empathy For those people and some people who actually have to still do it. And they talk about how difficult it is. But Matt brought out an interesting point. He said, I work as an electrician, but my job involves travel. I get a lot of perks of the high income earners. I would not only say that these people have to spend less of their income to stay alive, they spend none of their income to stay alive.

While I was traveling 200 days a year, all my food and expenses were paid for. I would have to go to the boardrooms of these major international companies and tell them what I was doing to their machines and what it was going to cost. And then we'd all go to lunch paid for by the company. These six, seven figure salaries are getting free lunches and dinners every day on restaurants with bills more than their worker gets paid a week.

This happens every day. And it's very true. He's absolutely right. That happens all the time. And the jobs, there's a reason why they do that sort of thing. It's to keep you there. I mean, if they buy your lunch at work,

if they're buying your lunch so you don't take a lunch break, you know what I mean? There's a point to keeping you there. You know, like, I mean, you know, if they buy your lunch at work, if they're buying your lunch, so you don't take a lunch break, you know what I mean? There's a point to keeping you there. You know, they buy you breakfast. So you don't leave to go get breakfast. They make your coffee. So you don't have to go out to get coffee. They keep you in the office to make sure that you keep working. So, you know, that's a bad deal, but it's fucking free. Right. And it's not like, you know, you're working in a garment factory Fucking sewing buttons on a thing You know, for minimum wage There ain't no free lunch

There's no free lunch Tom, we got an email This is from John And he says that He says he likes some of the Versions of the call to prayer He says I particularly like the Tarzan one It always makes me laugh.

I was catching the train home the other night, listening to your podcast with earphones. I had just noticed that the guy next to me was clearly a follower of Islam. I think the Quran hat and beard gave it away. Yeah. Maybe he wasn't. Next thing I know, the Tarzan call came on loud as fuck.

The guy looked at me sideways. It seems he could hear it then. Ah, rah! Called out. I don't know what he did next. This is my favorite line. I just pretended not to be there. That's awesome, man.

I'm sitting next to a dude on a train. Oh, gosh. That is great. Yeah, that's just awesome. We got a voicemail this week, and I didn't want to play it, mainly because I didn't want a negative audience reaction to it. But in the voicemail, and first off, we want to say we appreciate the voicemail, but in the voicemail, there are some things that are said

that some people would consider less skeptical than they needed to be. And one of them, one of the things was, is that our food is poison and that certain things like GMOs, and they were also talking about gluten and how that's bad for you. and they were also talking about gluten and how that's bad for you. You're not, one thing you're not going to find is a sympathetic ear to that kind of mindset. And I'm going to, you know, we're going to try to talk through this. I don't want to, a reason why I didn't want to play this voicemail is because I don't want people to make fun of you. What I want to try to do is talk to you to tell you what we think about these issues. One of the things that I think is that when you hear that

line that our food supply is poison, you've got to consider the source from where you're getting that line from. And many times people will say our food supply is poisonous and they're saying our food supply is poisonous because they want you to buy something to help bolster you in some way. So you'll get some guy who's selling you some sort of, you know, supplement or tree oil or whatever it is to help you sort of feel better because our food supply isn't getting you the things that you need to live. We're living longer than we ever have. We are, you know, we are living in, you know, I think an amazing time. And I do not buy that food is poison. I think, you know, I think that there is a lot of, you know, obviously there's a lot of things that we can do to improve our food supply, but I do not think that it is poisoned by any stretch of the imagination.

Yeah. And I want to address the, you know, there's, there's the issues of the, And I want to address the, you know, there's the issues of the, you know, the GMO foods and people also, you know, bemoan the modern agricultural industrial complex. And there are issues with it. Please don't mistake me. There are significant issues with it. But I would point out that the only way to feed 7 billion people on the planet is through modern agricultural techniques and modern agricultural technologies. Organic farming is great. I mean, it is. But it is also less efficient. By and large, it doesn't produce as much food with as little effort. And you've got 7 billion people to feed. That's a huge problem. Like there's a limit to resources.

And we have to address those limits and we have to find technological solutions to those limits. And it's a constant arms race between the pests and the pesticides that are being used. that are being used. GMOs are often foods that are modified to produce pesticides to reduce the use of spray pesticides and other things that, you know, I'm tentatively a fan of GMOs when they're used responsibly and they're thoroughly tested and they, you know, do the job that they're supposed to fucking do. You know, the food that we produce is of extremely high volume with extremely low manpower on tiny fractional amounts of land by comparison to all historical standards previous. by comparison to all historical standards previous. So a tiny, it's like less than 2% of our population here in the States are farmers.

And they're feeding 370 million people. Plus the food that's exported. It's tremendous. And I think it's important that we don't lose sight of that when we're having these conversations. And I also don't buy this gluten argument. The gluten argument, yeah, if you have an intolerance to gluten. Sure, like celiacs. What is it, celiacs disease? Sure.

Like if you get tested and that's a thing that you have, then yeah. I mean, it's like saying milk is poisonous if you are lactose intolerant. Yeah, okay. I mean, it's not really poisonous, but it's not good for you if you don't tolerate it. For most of us, gluten's fine. There are some bad things that you can be eating, but I don't think, and I think what you want to stay away from is that blanket statement that our food is poison, the food that we're getting, because what it's doing is it's saying there's a them, there's a them that are giving us this food. You know, the thing is,

is that if our food is poison, then the people who are making our food recognize and know it's poison and still continue to do it to make money. But then where do they get their food? You know what I mean? Yeah, I know. The idea is you're creating an asana of them. It's sort of like almost a conspiratorial sort of thing. I think there's a lot of research out there that has to do with a lot of the things

that you're talking about. If you dig into it a little bit, maybe it'll change your mind. But good luck. I hope that you take a look at it. I do want to mention that No Illusions from the Scathing Atheist sent us an email, and he said, I thought you might get a kick out of this. It looks like you guys are setting trends across the podcasting universe. Somebody just left a five-star review on my show on iTunes, and the review was only one compound word long, glory hole.

Imagine how enigmatic that would be if I didn't listen to your show and you know the funny thing is I clicked on that review that he had and the person gave him a glory hole and then I looked they never even rated us I love that they never even rated us oh man I'm totally gonna give those guys a glory hole I think Noah stole our glory hole

he stole he stuck his cock in our glory hole I think Noah stole our glory hole. He stole our glory hole. He stuck his cock in our glory hole. I think Noah's podcast deserves five stars, so I'm willing to give you the five-star glory hole. No problem, Noah. I mean, I didn't rate it because I'm too lazy. Yeah, I know. But I like the idea of rating it. I think I may have rated his podcast already.

Yeah, I did rate his podcast. Good for you. I didn't leave a comment. I just rated it. Maybe I'll go back and leave a comment. Be like, glory hole, dude. Maybe I'll do it today. That's awesome.

That's awesome. So that wraps it up for this week. We will be back next week. And then we're probably, we're going to see, we might be recording on the road when we do when we go to Tam I want to record this for the record audience I want to record it on the plane but Cecil thinks we'll get thrown out mid flight I think

you know the thing is you know like what you'll hear is the entire time you'll hear Tom once in a while so I don't know that that's going to be a good episode. But I think we could record this in the, I think what we need to do is get kind of hammered and do a hammered episode like quasi-live hammered episode.

I think that sounds like a great idea. Yeah. I mean, I'll edit it afterwards, but it'll be a quasi-live episode that we record together. You should edit it hammered. It'll all be backwards and weird. It'll just be, Tom, wake up. Tom, wake up.

More bourbon. Bourbon! So this is recorded after the fact. I made a mistake when I was finishing up the show last time. I forgot to thank Marcel, Benjamin, and Carl for their generous donations. Thank you for donating to the Podcast Maintenance Fund. And I also wanted to mention that this show is going to end with a different Skeptics' Creed.

This is done by Kosh. This is a musical Skeptics' Creed, and we hope you enjoy it. Credulity is not a virtue It's fortune cookie cutter mommy If you hit no babble on bullshit Caution, scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water downward spiral, brain deadpan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment. B.O. Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage Death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls Bigfoot, yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues Temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers

Birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts Shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak, stigmata, nonsense. Who's that guy on the other side of the point? Jesus, Jesus. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only.

Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. you