Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 116: Yemeni Passport Stamps

Episode Date: September 16, 2013

Want to stream Cognitive Dissonance to your Android or iPhone? Buy the app! Go to DissonancePod.com and click on the link on the right-hand side of the page. Each purchase helps support the show. Hey, Tom and Cecil. This is Hillbilly God. Look here, I haven't heard from you fellas in a while, and I don't know if maybe I did something to upset you. I thought I was doing right by you.

I ain't seen no hurricanes out there to the Chicago area in quite a while. I don't know. Hold on just a second. Jesus, Jesus, me damn it. I thought I told you not to put the ducks and the beavers in the same cage. We already got platypi running around everywhere and you... I'm sorry, fellas. I got to go. He's messing with my banana trees.

I already can't get a decent fig around here for some reason. Now he's after the bananas, so I'm going to have to let you go. You fellas just give me a call sometime. I miss you. I love you. You know I do. Bye-bye. Hey guys, it's Todd down in Austin.

Got back from a trip out of the country and I'm pretty sad that I couldn't get the podcast when I was gone. And I only have two episodes to make up. And I fucking missed you guys. So, you know, glory hole. Hey, Thomas Diesel.

This is Tim. I just put in a 15-hour day at work, grading papers, weeping after scores, and I want to say that your podcast got me through the day. So thank you so much. Keep up the good fucking work. Goodbye. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended.

The explicit tag is there for a reason. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 116, the we got up for church edition. Because we are recording at 830 on a Sunday morning. Yeah, it's funny. You could totally tell the difference in your voice. The difference in your voice is like, normally, it's just normal voice. This is the I am defeated voice that you have.

I've just lost. I just woke up. The first, I mean, let's just be honest. The first 23 and a quarter hours of my day are not my time to shine. I was going to be generous and say 15. But, you know, let's be honest. Like let's really tell the listeners who we are here. You know, we don't need to fucking sugarcoat this shit.

I'm really not good. But I pick up, you know, at the very end there, I pick up. Yeah. Right before bed, when you're excited for bed yeah i guess beer beer beer bed bed bed that's awesome and this is this is the trifecta episode this is the fucking hat trick we're actually recording three episodes today for you fuckers on purpose i know right my voice sounds defeated because i fucking read revelations and and watched that awful fucking movie last night so um yeah i am defeated i start out pretty much defeated but i was i readily sunk down from there yeah so the first

story we're gonna to come from... What? Yeah, you're good at this, Tom. Early morning, it's your time to shine. Oh, my God. The first story we're going to come from? What the fuck? Yeah, we're going to come from this story first.

Yeah. Fuck me. Jesus. I'm not even that tired. I'm going to bed at a reasonable-ish hour. The first story that we are going to talk about comes from... Comes from... Jesus Christ.

Fixthefamily.com. This is actually less of a story than it is just like a blog post. Yeah. It got a lot of media attention this week. Quick Fix Family. Yeah. So if your family needs a fixins... Right.

This is where you can go. You can be like, oh, fuck. What? How do I fix my family? Go to fix the family dot com. Notice it's not dot org. Anyway, blog six reasons plus two. That's actually eight to not send your daughter to college. I love this editor's note. The original post was six reasons and two were added since. I love this. Editor's note. The original post was six reasons, and two were added since.

Number six and number eight. What? What? What the fuck? You had six reasons, then you added two, and the two that you added are number six and number eight. But you always had number seven. So you just went fucking one, two,

three, four, five, seven. Yeah. Well, what? They were so busy fixing the family.

They couldn't count correctly. Yeah. Right. They were so preoccupied. So Cecil, what did you think? Did you think these were six? I mean, when I read it,

I was convinced. Yeah, of course. I don't have a daughter, but I'm planning to get my wife pregnant now, just on the off chance that like on the halfsies chance that we'll have a daughter so that I can save money on college. That's how cheap I am, actually. Sarah and I, after reading this, we adopted a daughter and then we ritually killed her.

This is, you know, obviously, okay, so first off, yeah, it's somebody's opinion, right? So, you know, it's a blog about somebody's opinion. So really, any jag, we have fucking opinions, for crying out loud. So, you know, I mean, obviously, you know, any idiot can have an opinion. This person's opinion is idiotic, though. I mean, it's really, I think the most important thing to take out of this is that they're saying that you shouldn't spend money on college for your daughter because biblically your daughter should be actually living in the home and working as a as a mother as a stay-at-home mom she should be learning out like how to fucking

cook a thing and how to clean a thing because that's fucking so hard you have to learn how to do it right like when I was an adult when became an adult, which I think an adult really is when you leave your parents' house, nobody sat me down and was like, okay, Cecil, here's the deal. You're gonna have to clean now, okay? Because you never cleaned before. So what you're gonna have to do is you're gonna

have to clean. No, of course not. You learn how to clean when you're growing up. It's not a fucking hard thing to do. The thing is dirty. You clean it. It's not like fucking I need to go to school and take like cleaning 101, cleansers 102, fucking, you know, like what, you know, soap and lemon juice, soap or lemon juice 104. Like you just fucking, you're just like, okay, well, things dirty. I cleaned it. The fucking floor is dirty. I vacuumed it.

The cat box is full. I scooped it. Like it's a, you know what I mean? You're just a fucking, It's just a fucking task. A fucking monkey could do those things. We have made, we have innovated to make sure that women don't have to do, women that are in the home,

the fucking homemakers that these people are trying to make, they don't have to do dishes anymore. They can just load a dishwasher up. The women that are in the home don't have to sew by hand anymore. They can just fucking use a sewing machine. So like all this stuff, the idea that they have that there's like, oh, the woman's got to figure out how to do it. She doesn't figure out anything to do. She doesn't have to figure out how to fucking run the DVR because there's

nothing to do anymore. We fucking figured it all out. But then the idea here is that they're basically saying the woman is going to waste her money, waste her money at school because she needs to know how to do these other things because the man is the one who should be, you know, bringing home the money. First off, you know, the, I think the biggest problem with that argument is like, you know, you're basically relegating women only to birthing then. Basically what you're saying is the woman's job is to birth a child. And there's plenty of women out there that don't have children and find very fulfilling lives. So that's – it's a stupid argument from somebody who has a very myopic worldview.

And they're also saying you shouldn't send them to college because they need – they are eventually going to do this. But in order to take care of yourself as a human being, you have to have a job until somebody comes along and you know, you, maybe you get married. Let's say we even buy into this worldview. Somebody is going to come along and marry you. What are you going to do until then? Be on food stamps? Cause you don't have any fucking skills.

You're just gonna be like, well, you know, I really can make a home and be like, well, there isn't a lot of fucking homemaker jobs out there on fucking monster.com. You're just fucking fucked. You just don't have a job until somebody, so you're basically, you're not just saying that women shouldn't do it because that's, you know, that's sort of like where they should be.

They should be put on a pedestal. They shouldn't have to work and they should be doing this stuff. Instead, you're saying, I am relegating women to doing this because they will have no skills in order to do anything else. Well, yeah, I mean, it's like,

it's like it's sleeping beauty for the entire half of your population. Just wait in this fucking coma state as a functional irrelevance until somebody comes around. Until Prince Charming shows up

and then you can wake up. Until then, you're in fucking stasis. You may as well just be unconscious. What you are is a fuck vegetable. That's what you are. Yeah, exactly. You exist only to,

to, to, to sit around and wait for some man to come along and sweep you off your feet. And then once that's been accomplished, you can stay at home and cook and clean and birth his children because that's what the fucking Bible says you should do. And they always try to couch this and like, Hey, it's not less than, it's just different roles. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no, you're wrong. You misunderstand the whole idea of

equality. Equality is choice. If somebody wants to stay home and make a home, that's a fucking legitimate choice. If they want to stay home, and they want to make a home, that's a fucking legitimate choice. If they want to stay home and they want to make a home and they want to have children, they want to raise their children, home, whatever, it's a fucking legitimate choice. It's all good. And if they want to go to school and fucking get a fucking PhD in organic chemistry, that's also a legitimate choice. You can't take away somebody's choices and then tell them that you're doing that because you love them.

That's just some fucking Stockholm Syndrome bullshit when people buy into that. Yeah, I agree. And then there's – they're talking about like, oh, well, I can't believe that women would say I can't be around my kid all day. And you're like, well, look, I can't be around my wife all day. I love my wife. I love my wife. I married my fucking wife. But there's some days where I'm just like, I just want to go do another thing. It's like,

okay, well, cool. You know, there's parents out there who are like, you know what? I want to have a night out. And it's not just a parent. Many parents do that. That's all the parents. They're just like, I don't want to be around my kids tonight. I want to go do something else. You can't spend all that. And I understand.

They're saying, you know, it's better if they're raised by, uh, you know, one of their parents, instead of going to a daycare or something, maybe that's true. Maybe that's a true statement, but you know what? Not everybody has the luxury to do that. Not everybody has the luxury to say, I'm going to send my kid to daycare and I'm not going to send my kid to daycare. I'm going to stay home. And then one of my, one of these parties is going to work. That doesn't always work for everybody. And you know, it, it especially won't work when you don't train one of the parties. When one of the parties doesn't have any way in which to go out. There's also so much pressure put on one of the sexes here on the men who have to support their family.

I remember growing up and now this is a personal anecdote, but I remember growing up, my dad lost his job and this is during the Reagan era and he lost his job for – this was not an insubstantial amount of time. We're talking my dad I think was out of work for three or four years, okay? My dad at that time would not let my mom go out and get a job because he had the same fucking stupid dumb mindset like, oh, she can't get a job. I'm the fucking breadwinner or whatever, so I got to fucking go do these things. And so we just stayed poor. She's like, maybe mom could have gotten us a much better position, but he never let her do that. So it's like, okay, well, that's fucking stupid.

What happens if your husband gets, you know, suddenly can't work, fucking loses a leg in the fucking lumber factory or wherever he's working? It's like, oh, sorry, he's the one who's going gonna have to bring home the brat or whatever like then there's you're completely unskilled what can you do well fucking welcome to taco bell can i take your order i know i know well at least you could use your cooking and cleaning skills yeah right squeeze the guacamole out of the clock gun exactly you know i'm glad you said that because i was thinking the same thing it's like why do you want to put a why do you want to put all that pressure? But what if somebody dies? Like, what if it doesn't even matter if it's the man or the woman?

Like, pick any life insurance, Tom. That's their fucking that's the fucking end all be all. Oh, when you're young, you just get life insurance. You just get all the life insurance. Yeah, just all of them. You have to get a couple million dollar policy, though, because I mean i mean really like you still are not going to be able to work so you're just going to have to live and then but you don't know how to invest either because that wouldn't be something you've learned so you'd be you'd get the money you'd be like i have money but i don't understand how to make money you know

what you do with it you put it in the dishwasher that's what she is just like fucking put it in the vacuum i called my insurance company i cooked all my money i fucking put it in a crib and sang a song do it it's such a fucking bad idea and it's also such i know we've said this before about you know muslim cultures and whatever but this is the same thing like why do you want to reduce the brain trust of your of your population by 50 percent like i know i just met a woman the other day who's a fucking nuclear engineer. She's a nuclear sciences engineer. That woman would be wasted.

She does fucking good and important work. That shit is fucking wasted. Women's talents are wasted when you don't give them a choice. Anybody's talents would be. Any gender or population group's talents would be. Let's just fucking piss that away because evidently we are in such great fucking shape that we don't need it.

Like, we've solved all the problems. We live in a grand utopia, and we can all just sit back and fucking ride on the fucking coattails of half our population, while the other half, I don't know, eats fucking manna from a tree. A long black cock, long black cock. A long black cock, long black cock. So this story comes from everywhere on the internet this week, but particularly from TheExaminer.com. This story, this actually, I thought this was a repeat I almost didn't tweet this I had to look for it in a couple of different places

fucking horrifyingly depressingly this is not a repeat it's a second story 8 year old girl dies from internal injuries on her wedding night. That's right. Her fucking wedding night. An eight year old bride in Yemen died from internal injuries on her wedding night, bleeding to death after deep vaginal tearing caused by sex with her 40 year old husband.

Lord, fuck. That is the worst. I mean, like this is like the story that just makes you that just makes you die a little inside. When you think about a 40 year old man. Marrying and fucking to death a third grader. I mean, that's what this is like. This is a fucking third grader. A fucking third grader. It's like a fucking it's like androgynous at three. Yeah. I mean, it's not even a girl.

I mean, it's a girl, but it's not like a young woman or whatever. You know what I mean? It doesn't have bumps where the chest will be. It looks like a little boy. It's like, I mean, it's really hard to discriminate between the two

sexes when they're very young Like you could, some little boys and girls Look very, you know what I mean You know, you see a little boy with long hair sometimes And you think, oh, how old's your girl? I mean, this is real easy because all the features Are very the same, you know what I mean? And it's like, what are you doing, man?

You fucked your wife to death Ugh Just the idea that an eight-year-old girl I mean like how terrified did she have to be walking down the aisle and how much fear did she have to feel you know knowing like she's leaving her mom and dad she's leaving her brothers and sisters if she has them she's leaving the home she grew up in to be given away as property. Yeah. To a 40-year-old man, a fucking 40-year-old man.

I mean, never mind the fact that the 40-year-old man should have absolutely no fucking interest in taking an 8-year-old wife. Just no interest. Like, no decent human being has any interest in taking an 8-year-old on as a wife. It's a fucking horror show. It's just disgusting. But this poor girl, she's standing at the altar, and I can just imagine the terror that she must feel with all the unknowns as the entirety of her life is about to shift, and she's going to go live and totally be reliant.

Like we were talking on that last story. Like this is a person who isn't self-sufficient because she's fucking eight. She's eight. She has no ability to be self-sufficient. Every piece of her life, whether literally, whether she lives or dies, whether she eats or doesn't eat, whether she has a roof over her head or not, all of it is under somebody else's purview. It's somebody else gets to decide, you you know what the shape and trajectory of her entire history as a person is going to be and she gets no fucking say in that and we're supposed to look at that and be like well that's just a viable cultural practice from another part of the world

guys we can't judge it we can't judge it i'll fucking judge that shit man yeah it's fucking evil that is an evil. Yeah, she should be spending her time learning her fucking times tables. Right. You know what I mean? Like she should be reading about dinosaurs, you know, in fucking Wikipedia or whatever. You know, fucking whatever she's – she should be hearing cultural tales. She should be learning all these other things that little kids learn.

You know what I mean? Like the little kids... It's not even that she was raped and she gets to live. She's fucking dead. I mean, he killed... He fucked his fucking wife to death. Let that sink in for a second. How disgusting that is.

Because, you know, like, look. It's not like he slid it in one time and he killed her and he fucking i mean you got to imagine yeah he probably banged away on the old drum there for a little while before she died that's disgusting dude in order for her to have vaginal tearing so deep that she bled to death. I mean, you've got to imagine the violence that has to be part of that. Right. You know, that's holding somebody down. I mean, that's just an act of inhuman cruelty.

And that she would bleed to death? I'm going to guess he didn't exactly rush her in for medical treatment with like a fucking tender loving hand caressing her fucking hair. And, you know, saying, I'm so sorry. You know what I mean? Like, no, no. He fucking killed this person because she's property. Yeah, that's all.

That's that's what he did. Exactly. This is a person who wanted to fuck a kid and he bought one and he fucked it. Sure. And he killed it. And that's it. And the parents, you know what I mean? Like, this is your child.

This is your kid. You know, I want to, I fucking, I fucking tried all week, Tom, to try to be funny about this story. No, you can't. I can't be funny about that. I can't fucking, I couldn't think of a single joke. I was like, I'm like, come on, you fucked a fucking, yeah. Ah, sorry. That's it. I have nothing. I just like, come on, you fucked a fucking, yeah. Ah, sorry. That's it.

I have nothing. I just thought that was quite good. I can't come up with a single fucking joke. And I mean, I'm sure that there are funnier people out there that will be able to come up with a joke about this. And I hope, I hope I hear that joke and can laugh because there's nothing here that I was, I was just reading. I'm like, oh, he did what? And then it's not like this is a fucking isolated incident either. No, I know.

So, you know, the bullshit about, you know, there's two levels of bullshit. The one is where you say it's a cultural tradition that we should respect our cultural traditions. That's fucking garbage. Throw that out. But secondly, it's like, oh, well, it's just a few of them. You know, you guys paint with such broad brush. No, you know what?

It's such a few of them you know you guys paint with such broad brush you know what it's such a fucking problem over there that they have to fucking legislate against it and then their fucking legislators say sorry we're going to issue a fatwa in support of the practice declaring supporters of a ban on child brides to be apostates

prominent cleric said that Abba fucking Jesus or whatever the fuck his name is. Abba Mujid Al-Zaidi. Whatever the fuck you are. I'd like to fucking take your, just like to fucking strangle the shit out of that guy. Just be like, oh, well, you know what you just did? You just basically Jenny McCarthy'd all these kids.

Right. You basically, you're the fucking guy. You're the reason all these kids are going to die. You're the reason all these kids are going to grow up fucked up. You're the reason all these kids are going to die. You're the reason all these kids are going to grow up fucked up. You're the reason all these kids are going to be raped, you know, have sex against their will, be fucking sold off by their parents. You're the fucking reason. Because you said to everybody else, you scared the shit out of them with your religion. You basically said, you don't believe in God then.

And guess what we do to apostates in this country? I know. I know. Can you imagine that? I mean, that's like, you may as well just fucking label him a witch. Right. I mean, it's that bad. I would say it's like, from this

very article, activists want to put an end to the practice of marrying young girls and have called for police to arrest the girl's husband and family. However, the forced marriage of child brides in Yemen remains a socially accepted culture. And like you said, they tried to legislate against it. But conservative lawmakers

called the legislation un-Islamic. I want to repeat that. They called it un-Islamic. You can't pretend this isn't a religious issue. You can't do that. Where is fucking Glenn Greenwald on this? Right. You know what I mean? Thank you. You know, I mean? Thank you. You know, fucking, you know, oh, fuck, we shouldn't be dropping bombs on people. Yeah, Glenn, I'm fucking right there with you, bro.

Right there with you. But you know what? It's not fucking anti-Islam. It's fucking us digging for money. That's what that is. Okay? So the idea that you're just like, oh, well, you can't say anything about fucking Islamic culture because that's anti-Islam. Fuck you, Glenn.

Marry your fucking eight-year-old daughter off then, asshole. Fuck you. You know what I mean? Like, if you don't think this fucking is culturally fucking just poisonous, then I want everybody who doesn't think it's culturally poisonous to fucking move to Yemen so you can marry your fucking children off. Yeah, are you doing

it? You got your fucking flight booked? I'm not moving to Yemen, by the way fuck that fucking jagoffs you're a huge supporter of the yemenese yeah i've got my i've got my my passport has so many fucking welcome to fucking yemen stamps already they stamp it in blood there it's just like there's a blood of eight-year-olds they're're just like clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk. Like, oh, the stamp is a nice crimson color. Oh, yeah, it's eight-year-old vaginal blood. Oh, no.

Yeah, you got to really fuck them to get the ink stamps. You really have to stick that stamp up their teeth. See, we can make jokes. Oh, no. Did you see the joke I tweeted? Yes, and it was hilarious. I felt like a dick. Oh, it was so funny.

Hilarious. I felt like a dick. Oh, so funny. What's so funny, too, is that's one of our most biggest posts on Facebook, too. Tons of people shared that fucking shitty, terrible thing you said. It's horrible. It was such a... I typed it and I almost didn't hit send. And then I was like, nope, I'm in send.

Like I typed it and I almost didn't hit send. And then I was like, nope, I'm in send. You know, it's funny too, because like, I keep thinking like so many party planners from the United States could go over there and make a lot of money. Cause you could get like, you know, those people who have like quinceaneras over here, those are huge. Like you could send those people over there and they could have like, you know, because they can use their skills on both the quinceanera and the weddings to really make some pretty amazing parties.

Double down. A My Little Pony themed wedding. Being a wedding planner would be awesome, too, because you have to invite the whole class. It's like you give them invites during recess. I'm getting married. Here's where I'm registered. Toys R Us. I choose you.

I'm registered at the toy aisle at Walmart. Yeah, I'm hoping to get like a Nerf gun and some dishes. I'm hoping to get like. No, in Yemen, you get a real gun, my friend. That's terrible. There's no Nerf gun at all. Pew, pew. Oh, I fucking actually killed that person.

Oh, that's good. They're just a woman. It doesn't even matter. Like, when you get there, like, in order to get to the wedding, like, when you're done, like, you get in one of those, like, little motorized cars that the kids have and drive away. It's got, like, fucking cans on it. It's like a play school, like, fucking Flintstones style. You push with your feet.

It goes, like, 40 feet and it just runs out of battery. It's like power wheels or whatever they're called. Or a big wheel. They tie the cans on the school bus that says just marry. Well, you can have multiple brides, so I'm sure one of those guys could just fucking marry a whole bus full of kids. He takes the whole bus. He just rolls up like the bus driver pulls up to the house and somebody just rolls up a lot of cash like, how much for the whole bus? Yeah, how much for the whole bus?

I'll take the whole bus. Yeah, just back him up over here. Beep. Beep. Beep. Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness Monster, and the theory of Atlantis. If there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say. So this story comes from SignalSCV.com, the Santa Clarita Valley signal.

Update. Volunteers search Lakeshore what fuck me what update god it's 915 I should be awake by now no I don't know about that I've chatted with you via gchat like at like 930 and like all your words are

backwards you're saying I have to hold a mirror up to the screen I have to I'm actually dyslexic and typing exactly just like you're saying i have to hold a mirror up to the screen i have to i'm actually dyslexic and typing exactly just just like what how do you even get the keyboard to do that update fuck volunteers search lake shoreline for missing teen um about a dozen searchers combed an area of costatic lakes shoreline mond, pinpointed by a psychic who said she had a vision of the missing teen related to that area. This has to be the most disheartening story as the parent of said missing teen. Yeah.

Because then you just know. You just know the cops have given up. the cops have given up. Anybody with any authority, anybody who has any ability to actually find your fucking kid, they have run out when the psychic is helping

look for your teen. It's all over, man. Seriously, it's just fucking done. That investigation is cold. Close the file, put it in a fucking file cabinet, and wait for the X files like 25 years later. Wait for them older. Get a cold case person on there or something from like fucking CBS.

Yeah. And the other thing that really pisses me off about this is when you falsely report a crime, you are – you can be – obviously get charged for that right like that's false that's a that's falsely reporting a crime is is is a an offense when you like let's say you you say you were raped and you weren't raped right that's a that's a big deal that you can you can get uh not only jailed but you could also get sued for that where is the protections that we have in the law for people who make shit up like this because this is is – I mean you're clearly – you're diverting time and resources and maybe even money to a imagination. You know what I mean? To somebody who's making something up.

Well, why is it that they can get away with this and just be like, oh, well, I saw a thing and it was the vision. And that's the way your child is, is by the V. And you're just like, oh well i i saw a thing and it was the vision and and that's the way your your child is is by the v and you're just like oh well the v huh is that is that where they're at the v oh well that's gonna help and then they said they're at a 7-eleven there was a seven they met at a 7-eleven i'm like well seven is just a sideways v yeah it's just it's they're looking for three trees you know forest i mean this is one of those things where the psychic can't be wrong, too, right? Like, you're just like, it's by the V. It's marked with a V and prominent trees.

Yeah. Prominent trees in the forest. Yeah, well, you know, it's hard to be wrong there. It's like, oh, it's by the rock. Yeah. Oh, okay. Did you look over by the stones? Because I think there's, like, some dirt on the ground, and then there was sky up above.

I had this vision, and like there was a cloud that was passing overhead, you know, at some point. Why can't we hold people accountable for the bullshit, they say? I don't know. You know, we did. Do you remember a few years back, Cecil, when that asshole psychic was like, yeah, there's like a billion dead babies buried under this house in Texas? Right. psychic was like yeah there's like a billion dead babies buried under this house in texas right cops like came in fucking guns a blazing and like dug their shit up and trashed their fucking house and of course there's nothing there there was just there never was there was just made up bullshit

just like this is some made up bullshit well that person has been sued by the city for like over a million dollars for all the money that they spent on, you know, because that shit's not free. Like, it's not harmless. When you have a department of finite resources and they use a portion of their finite resources on this sort of madness and bullshit, then you're taking away from their ability to use those resources doing actual work, actual genuine work.

Like every day this kid is not found, this teenager isn't found, and they're looking in the wrong area because the goddamn psychic is just making shit up. Every day that happens. It reduces the chance of finding this person alive if this person is alive i mean it increases the anguish and the grief that the family has to feel it's not this isn't like well we're just gonna pursue every angle the the part of this that makes me mad is that the um somebody says in here i think it's one of the cops says, we don't want to dismiss any information. This isn't information.

Right. It's not information. It's just somebody just made it up. Like, you may as well seriously just, like, you may get a fucking dowsing rod to look for this person. Well, it's, you know, and why don't they use other techniques? Like, when you go in to get an interrogation, they don't take, like, an egg and, like, rub it on your head

and then crack it open to see if you're lying. Why don't they do that? You would never see that in CSI where they're like, okay, we need a little bit of your spit and some of your blood, and I'm going to mix it in this fucking Petri dish and see if you're lying. I'm going to roll the bones and see if you fucking – Other stuff, other parts of the investigation are very scientific, like forensic science. They spend a lot of time, you know, figuring out whether or not, you know,

how long bodies have been dead and by decay and bugs and all that bullshit that they do. You know what I mean? Like there's a lot of things that we have used science for to try to, you know, make sure that we're closer to catching people sooner after they could commit a crime or whatever. But it's like, well, this, in this case case, it's just like you're just giving up.

Yeah. And it has to feel like that for the parents, like the loved ones, like they may as well cut open a fucking rooster. Yeah, exactly. Right. Read the fucking entrails. If the ionization rate is constant for all ectoplasmic entities, we could really bust some heads in a spiritual sense, of course.

This story comes from BBC. Yuri Geller, hey, he's still a thing, mystified by Letterboxd on Tame Sunning Bridge. What? I guess I read this and I was baffled by it. And there's this picture of this dipshit pointing at the Letterboxd. He's like, do there's this picture of this dipshit, like, pointing at the letterbox. He's like, do you see that shit?

There's fucking a letterbox on a bridge. And it's like, yeah, somebody thought that was funny. And they put it there. That's all that happened, dude. Somebody thought that was funny. They had access to, like, tools and a boat. I know. You know what I mean? Like, how fucking hard is it to believe in what he says, Tom, is the craziest thing.

He's like, there's been many sightings of a child ghost that walks on the bridge. Maybe it was the ghost of a mischievous little girl. And you're thinking, wait, what? Like, since when does a fucking, like, a ghost have the ability to do anything like that? Like, wait, where are the ghosts installing, like, where's the ghost that can redo my kitchen? Like, because I want that ghost i will deal with the fucking haunting that it takes for somebody to come in and fix the things that are wrong in my place like if a ghost is handy i want that ghost i love to like what does the

ghost need mail for like what's the ghost like waiting on an urgent package like they just bought some shit on amazon and they're like man i gotta I got to get that shit, but I don't have a regular address. You know, because I'm fucking, I'm a ghost. Yeah. I just want to be at the bridge. Can we just do Thames Bridge Berkshire? Is that okay if we do that? Right.

They'll deliver it. Actually, if I'm going to assume that they're going to build a post office box set on a bridge post, why would you go ghost and not troll? My very first thing is, it's got to be the troll. He's been corresponding with the Billy Goats Gruff, and he's just waiting for their visit. I'm thinking fairies. Fairies? You know what I mean? Because you can fly. You can put the fucking thing anywhere.

So you have a ferry deliveryman, or delivery woman. I don't want to be sexist. So they just show up and open the little box thing. If it was normal people who had to do it, I'd be pissed to be that postal service guy. Because you've got to fucking get on a boat. You'd be like, oh great, I fucking had to

walk the whole way, now I've got to get on a boat a boat and then you have people like could you imagine if they did this on australia they just throw your fucking mail on the water just chuck your shit in the river like fuck it fuck it we just threw the river i fed it to a crocodile i just i just fucking burned it for fuel the uh did you click on the pictures on this thing yeah there's three pictures i like how it's pretty big river actually i love my favorite is the last picture because they just as this picture shows the arched bridge was previously without the mystery letterbox it's amazing factory that wasn't an oem part it wasn't put on when the bridge stone was laid in like a 10 64 or whatever that's so fucking weird it's like it's like do we have a picture do we have a before and after it's not a fucking weight loss ad like you don't need

a before and after picture like as you can see this was added like yeah i can fucking banksy or whatever over there who does stupid shit like this all the time i i don't know man i mean like if this is like this could be i mean this seriously just strikes me as a as a halfway amusing prank yeah exactly it's like a prank maybe it's not banksy it's like malesy malesy malesy did it malesy just like let's get it this is something i would have done like as a kid who's like yeah like you're like 14 you're like you find like a the front of a mailbox and you just like let's get a boat and put it on the river huh yeah i mean there's there's plenty of ways that you could do this i mean it's not like fucking

it's not like this is suspended and fucking you know like a you know from some crazy height that you could never get to or something you know i mean like this is fucking really easy cecil it's not nailed to a cloud exactly right yeah if it was fucking nailed to a cloud and there was like a fucking delivery person made out of clouds delivering cloud mail to the cloud mailbox, then I might say, OK, you've got something. But just pointing to a regular thing like that's all made out of like man-made parts and it's like that must have been a ghost or it could have been virtually any other explanation. Yeah, exactly.

I would believe it was a sentient lion with a hammer before I would believe that this was a ghost. So we're going to take a break and then we're going to come back and then we'll ruin the rest of the show. Want to get in touch with the show? Send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. Be sure to follow the show on Twitter. Our Twitter handle is at dissonance underscore pod. Like the podcast page on Facebook at facebook.com forward slash dissonance pod, or just type cognitive dissonance into the Facebook search bar. Want your voice featured on our show? Leave a short message on

our Google Voice at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Visit DissonancePod.com to see the news stories featured in the show, buy apps and merchandise, or just leave a comment. And to everyone who helps spread the word about the show by sharing it, tweeting it, and rating it on iTunes, Gloryhole, you fucking rock. So this story comes from MSN.com. New Zealand baby refused treatment by parents. A baby with stage four cancer has been put under the care of the New Zealand High court because her parents won't allow the blood transfusions that she needs. And Cecil,

can you give me one guess why they won't give her the blood transfusions? Uh, I can't. Oh, that's because you're not a fucking Jehovah's witness. Because to them, it's evidently pretty fucking obvious. Like when you're holding your fucking infant child in your arms and they have a fucking disease which has a 90% success rate when treated.

90% success rate. And you're like, oh, yeah, that's pretty. 90% survival. Not the disease doesn't have the success rate. The survival has the success rate. Survival. And you're like, oh, man, we could totally help you with this. Like this is one of these things we can probably help you with.

Oh, man, what do we have to do? Because if it's a blood transfusion, I'd rather watch my child wither and die. Because Jesus loves me. There's going to be. What do you think, like their soul is in their blood or something? You're just like, oh, well, there's not a lot of blood in that little guy. If he gives up his blood, then he'll just get the soul of this old person who gave him a child. Because if that worked, I would totally be giving transfusions to young children.

Like that's how I would spend my day doing that. Don't you know that that is how it works? Because every baby grows up to be old. That's amazing, Tom. So, I mean, like if you live long enough, you'll grow up to be old. That's amazing, Tom. So, I mean, like, if you live long enough, you'll grow up to be old. And that's the blood from old people that does that.

It's the blood from old people. That's what happens. You don't know anything. It's true. I don't know much. I do know that they wound up taking this baby and giving it a... They wound up putting it under guardianship so that she can actually get this blood transfusion, which is good.

I think that that's how it needs to be done. I think that, you know, the people that have these kids that, you know, they can't pull the trigger, so to speak. They can't, they're like, oh man, I just can't, I can't do it, I can't do it. It's like, okay, fine. Well, you know what we're gonna do? Is we're gonna do it for you, and then you can

reconcile with your jib jab all you want, but we're going to do it for you, and then afterwards when your child is alive, you can regret it. Right. You can look at your child when they walk down the fucking commencement stage, and you can think, oh,

such a proud moment. But you should have fucking died in infancy. Let me tell you, if it was up to me, you'd be dead. Right. Doesn't that have to make for an awkward conversation later in life? Like, if you find out. Like, can you imagine how weird you would feel, like, finding out, like, man, but didn't I have, like, leukemia when I was a baby?

Oh, yeah, you did. Yeah, yeah. Well, we're Jehovah's Witnesses, so how does that work? Did you guys just give me? No, we didn't. The courts took you away. Yeah, the government had to interfere. We wanted your dad.

We just figured Jesus would give you a big, squeezy love hug and pop all the leukemia out of you like a fucking zit. That's what we figured. Like Jesus would just squeeze it out of there and it would kind of ooze and puss. Shoot out your eyes and mouth. Right. And you would just be like, fuck, that was all the leukemia. Because he put it. I mean, Jesus like didn't put it in there.

No, he did. He did. But he did it on accident maybe. Right. He just tripped and fell. He like dropped. Whoops. Sorry about that leukemia.

I didn't mean it. Sometimes I'm a Butterfingers. It's just so fucking awkward. It's just like there's no way. And the one thing I do take some issue with is like the kids put in a guardianship situation. I just kind of think these kids should just be taken away. Like, sorry, you wanted your kid to die.

Like, the state will take him now. Now we're talking. Yeah, I, you know, and it'd be like if I were to be in a coma, and I were to wake up and people were like, man, we were going to pull the plug on you. I'd be like, don't tell me that. Don't tell me you were going to pull it. Tell me I was awesome.

And that you wanted me the whole time. Instead of being like, well, we were just going to let you go, but the state took you away and gave you that transfusion. You're like, oh, great. So you didn't love me then? Is that kind of what we're getting at? Thanks for not buying me a car, Mom.

How do you make that up? Like, what's the guilt payment on that fucking thing, man? God. Lord, the day is at hand. We are in the last days you are jehovah god so this story comes from the raw story fox anchor asks viewers to consider if bombing syria is a harbinger of the second coming of christ uh viewers respond by saying yes we watch fox of course it is. Everything is the second coming of Christ.

Fox News anchor Neil Cavuto devoted an entire segment. This wasn't a throwaway comment to the possibility of United States attack on Syria could be a sign of the end times. Fucking what? This is on the news. This isn't the 700 Club. This isn't Pat Robertson. This is like midday news on fox like this is you know important daytime news that they have oh my god caputo or whatever this guy's name is yeah you know he's like this they also have uh this rosenberg jammer jammer on joel rosenberg he says there are prophecies more than 2700 years old. Some of them, but they've not actually been fulfilled.

When are we going to stop waiting for them? Like, when are you guys because I've stopped? I never started. But what are you guys going to say? Like, well, that didn't come true. Like, isn't that the thing with a prophecy? If you just have an infinite timeline, you can kind of say anything. I mean, it's just an infinite timeline. can kind of say anything i mean it's just an

infinite timeline you just yeah i i'm gonna probably we could make prophecies right now cecil and they would be accurate because you just it just didn't happen yet like if you just put the yet at the end of that fucking sentence you can seriously say anything like sure i mean there will be born a horse with two heads and it'll eat a cow like whatever did it happen again doesn't matter no i don't know let's check back fucking tomorrow that carnivorous horse it's pretty crazy horses yeah i i i feel like you know some of these prophecies are you're just like okay you're written're written by a group of people, a tribe of people. I mean we're not even talking about people like fucking civilized enough to be in like a group like a city.

We're talking about a fucking tribe of people here, okay? Nomads that write down in a book, oh, guess what? Eventually fucking Damascus is going to fall. And you're like, okay. And, you know, eventually fucking Damascus is going to fall. And you're like, OK, well, I'm sure between since then, I'm sure it has been attacked or whatever since then. Right. The idea, you know, that a city would fall back then is probably a pretty, you know, not a rare occurrence. Just like, oh, well, this is going to happen. It's like, you know, you're shooting fish in a barrel.

It's like saying, oh, yeah, well, guess what? We're going to put up another satellite somewhere. Okay, yeah, well, that prophecy is going to be fulfilled. Within a couple days probably there's going to be another satellite somewhere. So the idea that you're picking something out that is so impossible, it's like, no. You know what it is? It's just a thing that happens. These cities get taken over.

They get destroyed or whatever. And what does destroyed mean, right? Like how far do we go with destroyed? The utter destruction of Damascus. Is it population? Is it buildings? What is it? How do I, you know, there's no, you're just basically vaguely saying the destruction.

What if it was, you know, they happened to, you know, get a bunch of people got dysentery or sick or something there. Is that the utter destruction? Where do we stop? You know, you have a vague thing that you said with no timeline. Well, fucking eventually something's going to happen that you're going to be able to like, hey, maybe that was it. Yeah, well, and it's like, wait a minute. Syria's been embroiled in a civil war now for several years. Yeah.

Can we just not say it's been destroyed now? Like, can we just, what, like, seriously, can we just, is it okay? It's like, oh, yeah, well, it's all good. Like, it's not all good. It's already been, if that's your standard, like you were saying, like, there's no objective standard for what destroyed means.

Does it have to be destroyed from an outside force? Because if we launch a few cruise missiles or tomahawk missiles at this thing, at this problem, and, like, blow up some shit in Syria, I mean, we're not going to do more damage than the fucking Syrians have already done in the several-year-long civil war that's decimated their country. Can we just—is it just not already the case that Damascus is destroyed? Like you said, what does destroyed mean? It's not even a meaningful fucking term. I don't get – I just don't understand what the purpose is. And we're going to talk about this in our show when we talk about revelations. But we're going to talk about it in more depth.

But I just don't feel like – I feel like this prophecy stuff and talking about the second coming of Christ, I mean it's really just there as like the boogeyman. prophecy stuff and talking about the second coming of Christ, I mean, it's really just there as like the boogeyman, you know? And this sort of thing is just here to scare you into being more faithful, right? Because when you hear about, oh, this could be the end times, this could be the end times, you're thinking, well, I want to be one of those 144 people gets wiped up to fucking heaven, hang out with Jesus and watch fucking, you know, NFL Sunday ticket. You know what I mean? Like, like I want to be one of those guys. That doesn't sound appealing at all to me. Really? I know it'd be the worst time for you ever. Yeah. But you know, like, like the idea here is like, I want to be one of those people. So you're scaring people into believing you're

scaring, you know, like there's all these little tricks that religion has into making you stop thinking and start being emotional, right? I mean, we see it all the time with that fucking, that little oompa loompa who does the psychic shit on TLC or whatever, where she'll come out and what she's doing is she's making you believe in a God through empathy, right? She's just like, oh, don't worry, your daughter's there. And she says, I love you, Mom, and you didn't do anything wrong, and you're the best mom ever, and you never did anything at all, and you're so great, and I love you, and she's happy. And don't worry, she's happy.

You know what I mean? Your own being, the reality that you're never going to see your daughter again, the reality that the only thing you have left is memories, etc., etc., all the bad things that come with death. You get to forget about all those and you get to emotionally now connect with your daughter. And then the same thing here. It's like I don't have to think about any kind of real conflict in Syria or how to fix that conflict or whether I should even be interfering in that conflict. That's all irrelevant. that conflict or whether I should even be interfering in that conflict, that's all irrelevant. Now it's just think about – it's just wipe all that rational shit out of your head. We're just going to emotionally think, emotionally charge this stuff with your own demise, your own reconciliation with the creator or whatever.

It's like they're just making you try to forget all the rational shit you have and just sort of cling on to this religion. It's pathetic. I mean it's like, they're just making you try to forget all the rational shit you have and just sort of cling on to this religion. And it's pathetic. I mean, it's pathetic. Yeah, but Cecil, it's news. It's a whole segment on the news. It's like, this is actually part of our...

I mean, the thing that I particularly take issue with is like, this has become part of our mass cultural landscape again like this doesn't this is a useless like you're saying like this is this isn't harmless this is more this is worse than harmless but it's just fucking useless yeah and to have people these fucking talking heads show up on a television network that purports to be a news network and talk about biblical prophecy as if that's really a thing are you kidding me like as a nation we should just we ought to be fucking ashamed of ourselves

it's just it every part of this is just i mean yeah it's ridiculous like is bombing syria the second kind no it's just stop fucking yammering. Stop talking. But that this showed up on a news channel, that people are going to sit around nodding their heads like on the fucking springboard that is their neck. You know, like, yeah, that's fucking true. Because people will vote based on this information. People will take action based on this information. They really will. I mean, this is going to have like the cumulative effect, I guess, not this one story, but the cumulative effect of giving credence to this sort of mythological bullshit is not harmless.

Who's that guy on the other side of the glory hole. It's Jesus. So this story comes from SourceFed News, which I wasn't going to link to because I'd never heard of it. But then it says it's a Discovery Digital channel right underneath, and I was like, really?

Interesting. I'd never heard of this before. Pastor has sex with teens to cure homosexuality. A former Iowa youth pastor claims he was curing teenage boys of their homosexuality by praying while he was having sex with them. That seems legit, Cecil. That seems like a legitimate technique to cure somebody. I mean, that's like feeding somebody a cake to cure them of their gluttony. Like, yeah, you know what?

You fucking eat too much cake, so I'm just going to feed you a cake. What? Well, you know, sometimes if you're vibrant with life, you could fuck the life out of somebody. That's true. you could fuck the life out of somebody. That's so, so this is like, this is like those old,

like, uh, stories that you've heard of. Like your dad catches you smoking and makes you smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. My dad did that with me. Did he really? Yes, he totally did. I thought that was,

no, you thought it was fucking made up. Well, no, no, no, here's this, here's the story.

So I'm, I'm 13, I'm 13 or 14 years old. And, uh, this is back when there was no real, I mean, there was regulation, but nobody followed it, right?

So I used to be able to buy cigarettes. I used to buy – my dad used to send me for a carton of his cigarettes when I was a kid. He used to be like, go buy me a carton of cigarettes. And he would give me the money. I would go down to the gas station and buy a carton. And they would – I would be seven or eight and buy a carton of cigarettes. They would think nothing of it and sell me the cigarettes. That's fucking awesome.

Isn't it great? So I remember scraping together enough money. And the cheaper cigarettes, so they have regular cigarettes, which are like Marlboros, which was what everybody wanted to smoke when I was a kid. But they had these cheaper cigarettes, which were called, they're not cigars, they're cigarillos. So they got like, they're little tiny cigars. They're like, they're the cigars. They're cigar aloes, okay? So they got like, they're little tiny cigars. They're like, they're the Dutch treats, okay? They have filters, but they're Dutch treats cigars in a cigarette pack.

And I remember they were only like, you know, regular cigarettes, if they were $1.30 back then, I think that was about the top price for a pack of cigarettes. Now it's like eight bucks a pack of cigarettes. But back then it was like $1.30. So these $1.30 cigarettes were normal. Well, then it was like a dollar 30. So these dollar 30 cigarettes were normal. Well, these ones were only like 70 cents. So I had bought some, I remember I was smoking at that point for, I want to say two years or something. And, uh, uh, maybe, maybe I was like

14 at the time, but in any case, my dad is like, I'm standing there talking to my dad and my dad and I are, you know, talking and I and I have a coat on and there's like, you know, it's like winter and I have a coat on and I'm talking to him to say I'm going to leave. And as I'm standing there, I reach in my pockets and I feel the cigarettes. So I reach my hand out of my pockets and I'm talking to him like, yeah're going to go a little bit and I just sort of zip my pocket closed and he looks at me and he's like why did you zip your pocket closed and I was like no reason I don't have anything to hide dear old father

so he he's like well let me see what's in your pocket so I open the pocket up and he pulls the cigarettes out and they have the match in there and he's like sit down here so he takes the cigarette one of the cigars out and he lights it and he pulls the cigarettes out and they have the match in there. And he's like, sit down here. So he takes the cigarette, one of the cigars out and he lights it. And he takes a big drag off of it and he hands it to me. And he's like, take a drag off. So I take a big drag off of it. And I inhale, cause I was inhaling then, inhaling cigarette smoke. And he's like, oh, you inhale too? And I was like, yeah. And so we start passing the cigarette back and forth.

We do go through one cigarette. We do it again. We go through a second cigarette. And now like Tom and you've never smoked before, but when you smoke a cigarette and you smoke it like really fast, it does this thing called hot boxing. So the filter itself starts to melt a little, it gets a little melty, a little softer and gets a little weird. And it like burns your lips when you smoke, if you smoke it too fast because you're basically superheating the filter that you're putting in your mouth. It sucks. It's terrible. So we're passing the cigarette back and forth and we're hotboxing every cigarette. But I'm keeping up

with him. No problem. Pass it back and forth, back and forth. We go through about five cigarettes and I'm still fine. I fucking I have pink lungs. I'm fucking 14 years old. My dad has been smoking for 50 years at that point. And he is, you can see he's starting to turn a little green. He's like, he's not feeling so good.

He's like, I hope you learned your lesson. I'm like, I have learned my lesson. And he took my cigarettes and I left. And I went and bought a new pack of cigarettes. I was like, whatever. But I remember he did that. And I like to think that's the reason he passed away years later. It was because he did that with me.

And then he wound up dying years later because of complications with his lungs. But in any case, I remember he had those cigars. And they were like, because cigars have weird flavors. And these were like Dutch treats. So I think they were like fucking his cigars have like weird flavors and these were like Dutch treats so I think they were like fucking apple flavored or something like that so he like he got sick off of apple flavored whatever but anyway I interrupted your story

but yeah that actually happened to me I love that it fucking totally turned around on him though like he's supposed to do that where he just watches you do the smoking not like pacing one for one i don't know why he did it i don't know why he should have just made me smoke him but he didn't he was like he's gonna smoke with me and then he got sick but this story is like

the same thing it's like it's like you like the dick here's a dick you're like that's first of all that's just raping kids like that's fucking evil. Yeah. Praying while you're doing it is not that doesn't make it better. But it's also like, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. That's not praying. Like, imagine if you caught a heterosexual person having sex with his girlfriend. Right. Like you got like a boy having sex with his girlfriend. You're like, you like sex with girls.

Well, here's a fucking prostitute. Have sex with her. And you'd be like, I don't really want to do that. Fucking have sex. And then you're like, are you now gay? No, I'm not gay. I just had an unpleasant sexual experience. It doesn't, you don't change

your fucking gender, I feel like. What? That has never worked in the history of anything. Like, when you force somebody to do something to stop them, to sort of try. It's like, I mean, you're rubbing their nose in shit. And in this case, you know, you're just rubbing their cock in it.

You're rubbing your cock. And the thing is, like, that doesn't even work for a dog. Like, if you rub a dog's nose in poo, it just has a stink nose. Like, that's all it does. Like, it doesn't help. Yeah. I know rub a dog's nose and poo it just has a stink nose like that's all it does like it doesn't help um yeah i know the dog's just like oh i have i have reconsidered my actions no to self don't do that again the dog's like whoa since you put it that way yeah exactly you know there's a follow- up story to this from Addicting Info.

I owe a youth pastor rapes boys to cure them of homosexuality, won't spend one day in prison. And this is the part of the story that I think is just particularly disgusting and egregious. He's arrested on 60 counts of suspicion of sexual exploitation by a counselor or a therapist. He is a child rapist. Right. But he doesn't spend one day in prison? Like, we seriously, we fucking lock people up and throw away the key because they got a goddamn dime bag in their pocket. pocket this dude because he decided he took it upon himself to rape kids like to just fuck boys and then say like oh i was trying to cure him of the gay i'm a youth pastor tra la la

well you know even his wife it says here and the thing it's like uh like victims and their families are understandably outraged after all this guy raped boys repeatedly one would think a court would throw the book at him, instead setting him free upon the community. Even his wife thinks he should be sent to prison and doesn't want her children anywhere around him. When your wife turns on you, it's because you're an evil dude. Man. Like, it's just fucking, that's just, you can't rape away the gay. Like, that's not, that's the worst gay conversion therapy ever. Like, you can't, that's not how a thing works. You can't rape away the gay. Like, that's not that's the worst gay conversion therapy ever.

Like, you can't. That's not how a thing works. You can't make that happen. Like, oh, man. And can you imagine, like, how would that even work? Like, imagine if it was a consensual thing. Right. So, like, let's let's imagine that these were grown ass men capable of consent.

Right. And you showed up at your gay conversion therapy clinic of madness or whatever they call it and you're like yeah i'm gay and i'd rather be straight it's like all right uh we've got a one-step treatment protocol um we're basically gonna have this dude have sex with you wait a minute no i'm gay i don't want to be gay anymore right no i got it so we're gonna have this dude fuck you exactly huh wait i think you're misunderstanding my goals relative to my. Don't you question me, young man. Yeah, just do I have to fuck you? Hold on your pants.

There's a lot of fucking out of things in this, like fucking the life out of things, fucking the gay out of things. Well, you know, the thing is, like, that's the best way. Like, your dick is like a Roto-Rooter. Like, when you see, like, something is clogged up, you just got to fuck it. This is the dirtiest show. We had, like, somebody fucking the life out of a child. We had this guy.

And then we had the second coming of Jesus earlier. Right. The first one was wet enough. Yeah. I mean, the oceans are just a wet spot. All the fish are like, fuck you, Jesus. I don't want to are just a wet spot. All the fish are like, fuck you, Jesus. I don't want to sleep in the wet spots. Fish are just evolved sperm.

That's all they are. They got tails. That's right. They're just looking for another god to impregnate. That's actually what happens when two planets crash into each other. That's just like a sperm in the egg. That's the Big Bang. The big bang. That's what I try

to call it at home, but the wife isn't buying it. She's like, it's not that big. Any bang I can yawn through is not big, my friend. I gotta wake her up to make the joke, but still. Honey, was that the Big Bang? Leave me alone.

I'm dreaming. This is where I'm a Viking. She just tells me, like, you just tell me when the Big Bang's over, all right? Let me get back to Grey's Anatomy. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth.

So this story comes from the contributor, for the record. Right-wing minister. Everything the Bible says will eventually be confirmed by science. Well, then there you have it. Yeah. I was worried, Cecil. I was concerned because science seems to be trending in the fucking exact opposite direction every year. Most of the bible right

you know but now that he said that it's going to just eventually be confirmed then i can rest easy knowing that this fucking jib jab will just eventually all be so at some point we'll find out that slavery was a moral good right we'll be able to scientifically determine that slavery is a is a moral good and that fig trees you can fuck up a fig tree if you want a fig and it doesn't have any figs because it's like fall whatever it's like not in season it's not fig season it's like it's totally you just fuck them up you just walk up to a fig tree like give me a fig and the tree's like you know because it's a tree it doesn't fig. And the tree's like, you know, because it's a tree. It doesn't say anything. Because the tree's just like, hold on.

Let me cue up the silence for you. So, yeah, the Bible's just going to do that. And you can put plants down before there's, like, sunshine, too. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you could have, like, the sun before you have other stars. Right. What I think is, you know, the only way the Bible gets anything right is by fucking accident or by obvious.

Those are the only ways that the Bible would ever get anything right. You know, like obvious, you know, there's things that are obvious that the Bible is going to get right because those are obvious to people that lived that many years ago. But the only other chance that they have is by accident, you know,

or by stretching the, the the way in which it's written to encompass what the scientific discovery is. And again, we're going to be talking about a movie that we watched that does exactly that. Right. They'll still quote a Bible verse and then they'll say, oh, well, you know, this is exactly what, you know, is happening in nature. And you're like, yeah, well, you're just stretching this Bible verse to meet it. Or the Bible verse was so vague, you know, it's easy to stretch into that. When they say God, you know, expanded the curtain of the existence or whatever, they're like, oh, well, it's like the curtain of existence is like a real thing. You're like, no, there's no fucking curtain.

We didn't go to fucking Bed, Bath, and Beyond and buy a curtain of existence. Okay? You know, it wasn't on the fucking clearance rack. There's no such thing. So, of course they can pick and choose and be like, oh, well, this is exactly what I'm talking about. This fits

exactly this. It's like, yeah, well, you're just basically finding a vague passage and saying, well, this fits the current science that we have now. If this is the case, if it's the case that eventually is that eventually the Bible will just be everything will just be true, then why do we need science at all? Why don't we just look at the Bible only? Why don't we only do that? Well, the reason is because we all love what science can give us, right?

We all love being able to grab our smartphone and be like, oh, fucking awesome. I got a smartphone thing. I can fucking look at my texts or whatever. I can read the intertubes when I'm out. I like to fucking be able to record two shows at once on my DVR. I like to be able to fucking drive places. I like to be able to fly halfway across the world in hours. I like to be able to do all these things.

Well, where the fuck in the Bible is the plans for the airplane? You know what I mean? Where in the Bible is the plans for the airplane? You know what I mean? Where in the Bible is the plans for the satellite communication that we have? The reason why you guys are stuck with science is because it gives you everything. But the very fact is that if you think that the Bible is going to be proven, then throw all your science away and see what you have. What you're going to have is a fire made of twigs and a book to read, and that's it. A fire made of twigs? You couldn't even print the book. like that's the funny part like you like you couldn't even print the bible without

the technological advances like that were not presaged in the actual bible like you like the bible that you hold you i read the bible yesterday on my fucking smartphone through a Kindle app. Yeah. That's what I was reading. Revelation. Indoor plumbing. Right. Yeah.

I did. I mean, I seriously like it's like I'm sitting under fucking fluorescent lights reading the fucking Bible on a smartphone. And it's like, well, this all seems what? Fuck you. No, it's. And this guy says, like, if God tells you to do it, I guarantee you at some point they will find scientific evidence on why that's the right thing to do. So he's actually making the counter Sam Harris argument because he's talking about morals here. You know, the right thing to do.

Like you pointed out, there's no you can't like it's not like at any point like the Bible came out and, you know, it was cobbled together from disparate other pieces. But anyway, it's not like the Bible was like, oh, here's a Bible. And people like, oh, look at page 417. Like now we have, you know, the vaccine for AIDS that was recently, you know, like because there was like in the news this week. There's like big news in the fight against AIDS. Like Simeon, Simeon, I want to say simian HIV. I know that's not right. The SIV, the simian version of HIV.

Like this fucking vaccine wiped it out in trials. It just fucking wiped it out. And it's going to maybe pave the way for human trials of an HIV version of the same vaccine. And it's like, well, that's not on page 423 like that's nowhere in there like nothing like oh man hey remember we fucking eradicated smallpox from the earth yeah that was in the bible nowhere at all it just wasn't in there like every good thing like you're saying like every good thing but even every bad thing it's not like there's like plans for uh you know dual stage rockets to shoot fucking

missiles at our enemies. There's nothing in there. There's nothing of use or value. It's just chariots and horses and swords because that's the shit they had when they wrote the goddamn thing. So if that's what they had technologically, that's what they have morally. So I'm not going to open that book and I'm not going to find some great, you know, moral teaching that's 2000 years ahead of its time. It's not in there. Yeah, it's not in there at all. Exactly. And, and, you know, I feel too, in many ways we go against the Bible all the time. God throughout the entire thing was like, fucking, I'm going to fucking create a flood and fucking flood you fuckers out. Well, guess what? We created fucking dams and fucking waterways to stop fucking floods.

Why the fuck do we do that? Why don't we just say, oh, well, guess we can't fucking build houses there or guess God fucking wants to pump me in the ass today so my fucking house washed away. Oh, well, sorry, God. I'll put it somewhere else. Why don't we cure fucking diseases? Why do we even bother? God fucking casts his fucking plague on everybody. He fucking jizzes on the planet.

We all suddenly get fucking smallpox or something. Why do we even bother curing smallpox? Why do we even bother with that? It's like it's a fucking disease. It's passed on by God. Why do we even try to shelter ourselves from the rain when it's raining? It's a fucking thunderstorm. It's God's fucking vision of God's might. Well, we should fucking stand there and fucking get thrashed when it's raining. It's a fucking thunderstorm. It's God's fucking vision

of God's might. Well, we should fucking stand there and fucking get thrashed by God's might. No. We hide from the... We've been hiding from thunderstorms since fucking we have been hiding. But you know, the thing is, anytime it doesn't work, anytime it's not successful,

right? Like a fucking bear eats your cousin. It's like, oh, man. Well well he went to a good place and like jesus loves him now it's like no man i'll fucking bury your cousin like that's what happened like lightning hits somebody and like oh i got fucking electro fried like that sucks um yeah well you know jesus and what have you like when it works for you it's just it's just in the background. Yeah. Right. Like when you hide, when you successfully hide from the wrath of God, all is well, and

it's just in the background and it doesn't count. Like that doesn't count as a miss, but anytime something happens, it's a hit. Well, just 7 billion people is going to be fucking hits. There's going to be hits. Yeah. Shit's going to happen. There's going to be a tsunami. Like's going to be hits, yeah. Shit's going to happen. There's going to be a tsunami. But sometimes there's not a tsunami.

Every time there's not a tsunami, that should be a miss, like right now. What about all the times that we've prevented things from happening, like forest fires, for instance? We always hear about the forest fires that continue on, but what about all the fire departments that go out into there and do their burning

to stop the forest fires from actually hitting? So they start a small controlled fire and then they put it out so then there's nothing to burn, right? What about all that? We never fucking hear about that, but that shit happens all the time. What about the fucking dams and the dikes and shit we put up to stop the waters from moving in? What about all the sandbagging that takes place prior to a fucking flood happening that diverts the water where it's supposed to go? that takes place prior to a fucking flood happening that diverts the water where it's supposed to go. What about all these ways in which we fucking contend with, you know, the fucking hand of

God to stop him from doing shit, right? Him to do it. I listen to how I'm even talking, right? The, the, you, you contend with it constantly. And it's like, it's like, okay, well we do that all the time. We stop shit constantly. Why do we even bother if it's fucking if it's if it's God's will? Why do we even care?

Well, you've convinced me I'm not going to. Yeah, I'm done recording. I'm just going to I'm going to strip off all my clothes and lay on my front yard. I'm going to light my house on fire after I'm done recording. So we got a little bit of email. First off, we want to thank for their generous donations, Daniel, Ryan, and Winston. We want to thank you for donating to our show. We appreciate it.

That goes to the Podcast Maintenance Fund to help fund our Libsyn when we pay for our service space and also to pay for our website. So thank you for that. And, Tom, by the way, I just want to mention we sold three Glory Hole shirts. Fuck you. Did we really? Three. We got to get pictures. So if you bought a Glory Hole shirt, you don't have to take a picture of your face.

Or if you do and you want to blurt out, let me know. But I want to just see somebody in a fucking Glory Hole shirt in a place. That's all I'm saying. Somewhere else. Out in a world place somewhere. I hope somebody goes to church in one. And if you can do that with a cigarillo in your mouth, then that's like double extra points. While you're melting plants in the oven.

That would be awesome. Hey, that was science. That was science. So we got an email from Francis, who is a dude from Quebec. He says, trow de glory right is that right at the top here are you what trow de glory yeah i'm i think that means glory hole that's all you my friend you've been to jewish it means glory hole in jewish okay so there you go so yeah glory right back to you bro uh and it says a thing. And it says, another of my favorite podcasts is Penn Sunday School featuring Penn Jillette.

I think it would be a riot if you guys could interview him. Yeah, we think it'd be a fucking riot too. Yeah, great idea. Why don't you send him a tweet and tell him we'd interview him and see if his fucking secretary will set something up. But I don't think he's going to respond to a tweet from us. I think he's already ignored us. Yeah, I think he has.

We did contact him and he already responded with thunderous silence. We already asked him to be on the show and he had said nothing. So yeah, we figure that thunderous silence is the same thing as yes.

So he will be on the show eventually. Yeah, some of these people we've contacted to be on the show, they don't seem to be getting our communications. Yeah, exactly. We asked Sam Harris to be on the show, and we got – we've asked him, like, I want to say three times now. He's one of the few people that –

We can't stop ourselves. Like, every time something new comes up, we're just like, maybe we should email Sam Harris and see. We've emailed him several times, and he has not responded at all. So, yeah, you know, it's great, and we love the idea that these people are out there. But these are – this is a big fish. I mean, these are people that are just – they're big fish. They're not going to come on our little tiny podcast. That's a huge god sperm.

That's what that is. Yeah, it is. It's a huge. So also at the bottom, he asked for an audio version of the Skeptic Creed without the monks singing. I will see what I can do. I don't know if I have it on file somewhere because I mixed that file, geez, years ago at this point, two years ago. So I'll see if I have it somewhere, and if I do, I'll post it underneath without the music.

But I don't know if I do. I'll see. I may have it. I'll look too. Yeah, if you have it, Tom, send it to me, and I'll post it on the website. If not, I guess I can reread it. Yeah, but it wouldn't be the same reading, though. So let me see if I can find it.

I think I may have it. Okay. I'm going to put a picture for this. This is from Ashley, and Ashley sends us a children's exhibit that is the Old Glory Hole Mine. And it's a truck with a – and's a I mean really that is a huge slot for the glory hole on this thing it is it's um I mean like you could

seriously rape the gay away in that glory hole and there's a flap there you know what I mean like there's a you know it's a big god damn hole when you have to cover it with a flap so you don't see the person's whole head behind there that is the kind of perfect anonymity required. Exactly.

So we'll post a picture for this week's episode. We also got a link to Monticello Dam Morning Glory Spillway, which looks like a giant hole that you could easily fist, I think. There's also a picture of the Lake Berryessa glory hole spillway here. I don't know if it's the same thing. Is it the same thing? I don't know. There's two different names.

But yeah, it's like, that's like a giant fish fucking thing. And Steve sent that to us. We're going to link to it on this site. We got a long email from Gene who talked a little bit about some deconversion stuff, but he sent us another email afterwards and says, by the way, I'm not a truther anymore. That shit's crazy. We're happy that you're not a truther anymore.

That's a good thing, to not be a truther. I'll tell you, this last week there was something that popped up. I was reading somewhere, and somebody had posted that now the truth should come out about nine 11 or something. 12 years after it's over, there should be some truth coming out about it.

And I'm thinking, what fucking truth are you looking for? Oh God. Like the buildings like got hit by planes. Cause guess what? That's what happened. Yeah. Well,

you only say that because you know, millions and millions of people saw it happen and that that's where all of the evidence points to oh god the truth or argument we we took apart that loose change video yeah um back during our everyone's a critic days and that was so much more time and energy than i ever wanted to spend on the truth or arguments. Cause they don't merit any significant time and energy. There's just fucking bullshit. You didn't even watch the movie as I recall. I viewed parts of it.

As I recall, you didn't even watch the movie. You watched like the first four minutes of it. You're like, I can't watch anymore of this. And I sat through that whole goddamn thing. I hated that movie a lot. I gotta say more than four minutes.

I may have watched upwards of ten. It's like a 90 minute movie. We only had to do an hour show. It's true. You can talk for a while about certain things. We're good. Someone suggested...

How do you say that name? What is it? Mustafar? Mustafar? Mustafar. you say that name what is it mustafar mustafar must mustafar mustafar mustafar and i just double clicked and said mustafar is a fictional planet in star wars universe depicted and so i want to find out who's on this planet oh that's where they had their big fight okay don't they have big fights on more than one well no obi-wan and darth well who uh basically anakin on the third i don't even know if you saw the third i did we reviewed it man we watched them all you watched that yeah where they had their stupid lava fight oh lava fight world

that's lava fight world mustafar okay so a guy from lava fight world wants to tell you that to us he said how about a question and answer answer section instead of like having one of the three episodes that we're planning on doing? We actually think this is a good idea. So what we'll do is if you have a question in the next couple of weeks, we'll put it on the side. And when I come back from vacation, we'll have a moment where we do a little question and answer session. So if you have a question that you want answered, send us a question. We'll do a little, you know, ask Cecil and Tom section and we'll do something

like that. So it's a good idea. If you have a I don't know what kind of question you would possibly have, like fucking how does a plant melt in the oven? You know what I mean? Like if you have something like that you could ask Tom and he could probably go into detail about how he totally fraudulently cheated on a bunch of science fair

exams, you know. Listen man man don't make me bring a cigarette over there i'm just saying we both have moments we're not proud yeah both of our dads are kind of dicks really that's just where it comes down to we got an email from david and david sends us a link uh and we took a look at the link thank you david but at the bottom he says if you want to sound authentic, he's like, when saying Northern Ireland, pronounce it, Tom. Go ahead and say it. Norn-iron. That's pretty good.

Norn-iron. That's pretty good. I'm going to try it. Boston. I think I nailed it. I think you have it. Nailed it. You got it right there.

Boom. Yeah. That was great. We also got one of the people who did the hillbilly god at the beginning of the show also sent us an email. And in this email, this person says that they were part of law enforcement somewhere. I'm not going to say where. And they were basically contacted several times, Tom, by some people that were trying to give money to Peter Popoff? Yeah, it was like an older guy who kept waiting for his check because he's mailing checks off to Popoff Ministries.

And then he's supposed to get his blessings in return. And when he didn't get a blessing in return because, you know, that's a scam, he called the cops to say his neighbors were stealing his checks. That's a scam. He called the cops to say his neighbors were stealing his checks. So convinced was he that his blessings would show up by USPS. Wow. That is some crazy shit. But the amount of money, too, was kind of staggering. It was like $10,000, and then something said $350,000 was being stole from his mailbox.

So evidently they say, you know, you get what you give, I guess. So yeah, I don't know if it's like a thousand fold or like 10,000 fold of what you said. I'm 35 bucks. Right. So it'd be 10,000 fold over the thousand fold. Yeah. It's just, it's just crazy. It's just like, it's just a crazy, I i mean and it's just taking advantage of the elderly

like there's like a certain there's like a certain type of fraudster and you can tell because their scams usually involve you know frankly like low or old technology you know like send us something in the mail well that doesn't work for people our age like it's no one's gonna send anything in the mail i don't own a stamp you know what would I send in the mail? I can't even think of an enterprising burglar nowadays looking at someone's mail. They could just be like, there's nothing in there. But these are scams. You can tell. The scam is directed at the elderly.

They're built specifically for a whole different vulnerable group of people in the culture. You look at the stuff, and it's not just a harmless late night talk show. It's like this is somebody who's making a living preying on the religious convictions of the elderly and their desperation. You're talking about $35. $35, by the way, is what people think you should be able to live on in food stamps, right? There's a couple of people. the way, is what people think you should be able to live on in food stamps, right?

I mean, there's a couple of people. I just saw that the guy from Panera Bread, the CEO, is doing the Snap Challenge. And the Snap Challenge is where you try to live off $31.50 in one week. And he actually did it right, where he's not using any of his home products. He's going out and trying to buy the things that he's going to cook with, right? So he's buying all this stuff and he said he had like $5 left over and he's like, he had $5 left over mainly because he didn't want to run

out of money, but he has barely enough food to even feed himself and he's worried about sort of how he's even going to survive this week. And he's spending one of the days fasting for Yom Kippur. Oh my God. You know what I mean?

Is he doing it to prove a point? No, he's doing it to show how shitty it is to live on that. Oh, okay, good. That makes me, because I wouldn't go to Panera. I would stop. No, he specifically said, and they actually, I heard also that there's a Panera bread in Detroit that is a pay it forward place. So if you're hungry, you can go in there and eat.

And they say, when you have money, come back and pay, but you can also go and just buy like a $10 cup of coffee there to just pay for somebody else's food. I have heard about that actually. Yeah. So this guy I think is really sort of involved in that sort of thing. But in any case, getting back to this email, the idea here is like $35 is a lot of money to somebody on a fixed income. You know, we think about $35, like whatever, $35 is a lot of money to somebody on a fixed income. You know, we think about $35, like whatever, $35, who cares? There's people I guarantee that probably listen to this podcast at $35 is a lot of money too. You know what I mean? Like $35 is not an insubstantial amount of money. And if you're sending it away for nothing or you're

sending it away thinking, I mean, this is big, this is a Nigerian scam. Send me your money. I'll give you more money. Right. Right. Where do you need the $35 from? Here's an idea, Popoff. Subtract my $35 from my $350,000. Right, and just send me the... I'll take $349,000. Send me the remaining. How about this? You keep half.

Yeah, well, just... That's the thing. By percentages, let's just increase it. I'll send you a million. You send me $10 million. And just deduct my just increase it i'll send you a million you send me you know 10 million yeah and just deduct my million so i'll take nine and we're just send me nine yeah right yeah we're all good dude it's crazy though because it's like that's how those nigerian scams work which is like yeah well you're gonna get a ton of money don't worry you're gonna get a shit ton of money all you have to do is just send me the fees up front and you're like well just fucking you

just fucking come up with the money and take half of it and send the rest to me. I don't even know why you need me. What do you need money for anyway? Like your ministry has so much money. Yeah. 350,000 that you're shitting out. You should be able to be fine. To some dude, like to just some dude in his mailbox. Well, we are going to be, uh, going on vacation, but we're going to have one more show before we go on, before I go on vacation. Uh, and, uh, and we're going to have one more show before I go on vacation. And we're going to have another, we're actually probably going to be on another podcast next week.

We'll keep you informed. Right now, we're scheduled to be on Skeptically Challenged, which is skepticallychallenged.org. Ross is the host of Skeptically Challenged. We are looking to be on it next, hopefully recording next Sunday, so I don't know how long it would take Ross to put this on the internets or whatever, but that's our plan right now.

So there'll be a possibility that we'll not only have a show next week, but we'll also be on someone else's show. And then we're going to have two short-ish episodes that we're going to be playing for the following two weeks because I'm going to be on vacation and Tom is going to be uploading them and fielding all your questions when he messes up. So it's going to be awesome. Yeah, the show normally goes up on Monday. I'm thinking I'll need at least until Wednesday. Wednesday. He's going to need until Wednesday because he's going to be asleep for the rest of the time.

I saw you upload the show when we were in Vegas, and that took like, God, you had to click like 12 things, man. Fuck. You do have to click like 12 things, man. Fuck. You did have to click a lot. I'm going to need you to write it down and make a video. And then also fly home. What's funny is I'm actually going to Tom's house to show him how to do it in person. And we're going to write it down step by step. That may not be enough.

That might not be enough. It is not going to be enough. Will not be enough. That might not be enough. It is not going to be enough. Will not be enough. Not enough. Well, that leaves us with another episode in the can here, and we're going to leave you, as always, with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue.

It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment.

Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Outro Music