Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 126: Free Hugs

Episode Date: November 25, 2013

First guy’s recommendations:  

Do you want to get Cognitive Dissonance streamed to your iPhone or Blackberry? If so, download Stitcher free today at stitcher.com. Church bells ring, I was listening. From the mound came a sermon. He called out to me, asked if I was sin free. And now I'm walking to a dirty glory hole. In the city I can find a bathroom. And intend to use its glory hole.

I pray would you like to stand or kneel man. He said on your knees is how to save your soul. Later on I'll perspire. As I laugh about hellfire. And he said, don't be afraid because the eggnog is made. And now I shame walk from a dirty glory hole. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way.

We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence. 20 topics that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 126 of Cognitive Dissonance. This is the pre-Christmas cheer episode to get everybody. It's not even fucking Thanksgiving yet. Ho, ho, ho.

Wait, that's a different. Yeah. Forget it. The ho, ho, ho's are at the glory hole. We are not even past Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, by the way, like the greatest of all American holidays. The most American of all American holidays. Where we celebrate the slaughter of weaker people.

Yeah. And gluttony. And gluttony. That's it. You're just like, oh, man. Remember when those guys were nice to us? We sure killed them. Who's got more cranberries?

So before we even get through Thanksgiving, we're already shoving some fucking Christmas down your gullets. I think that's why I don't like Christmas, too. See, so they make you have Christmas for so long. It's not that long. They should actually move it back. They should move it Into like Like late January So it's like From Thanksgiving

To late January You just have to deal With Christmas music That entire time It's the worst thing After Christmas Like once all the presents Are open

I'm like Can we take down the tree It's the 30 seconds After Christmas Like can we just Take down the tree I also didn't want Like we do Santa And Santa, and I, like, Colleen's like, yeah, all the good presents, you know, they typically, in her family, like, the big presents come from Santa. And I'm like, fuck that.

Santa gives them a little present. Yeah, Santa's a fucking cheap-ass motherfucker. I want Dad to get the credit. Like, I know where that. Fucking A. I know where that, like, I know who bought that shit. Like, you got a fucking remote control helicopter and it's because dad rules.

You got a fucking Yoda bobblehead? That's because Santa... Santa sucks. Santa has no idea what you want. Your dad loves you. Right. Santa's a molester. He's not a priest. But he wants you to sit on his lap.

That's a great segue into our first story. So this story comes from Alternet.org. It's not even a story. It's just a list of fucking yahoos. Oh, it's good, though. It's awesome. I love it. Five Christians who make their living telling kids outrageous lies about sex.

And this is basically exactly what it sounds like. It's a list of those schools that hire some motivational dipshit to show up and yammer endlessly. Kept audience in an auditorium in fucking Alabama or some godforsaken hellhole you know about how the you know girls are all sluts and the boys shouldn't fuck them and that's that's really like these guys say the craziest shit see so they say the craziest shit and their websites are an atrocity yeah this this guy the the top guy here here. And there's a bunch we're going to talk about. We're going to spend some time on this story. But Justin Lookadoo, is that his name?

Lookadoo. Look at his hairdo. He looks like a fucking hedgehog. Oh, my gosh. His eyes are fucking crazy. It looks like one of them is like a lazy eye. It's kind of like looking off to the far left of me. And I'm just like, hey, bro, I'm over here.

He seriously looks like a startled hedgehog. He does. Or like a puffer fish. He looks awesome. His defenses are up. You startled him. But he has a whole list of dateable, are you a dateable person? And he has dateable girl rules and dateable guy rules.

And I'm going to read a couple of these. For the dateable girls and you all, you ladies out there, you should recognize these because these are all the rules that you followed to become dateable. I'm sure. Number nine, let him lead. God made guys as leaders. Dateable girls get that and let him do guy things, get a door, open a ketchup bottle. They relax and let guys be guys, which means they don't ask him out, exclamation point cubed. Right. Cubed. Cubed.

You can see him typing. He's like, one exclamation. No. No. That does not convey the sense of urgency necessary. Two exclamations. Close. We're getting closer. Let me run convey the sense of urgency necessary. Two exclamations. Close. We're getting closer.

Let me run it by my editor. No, no, no. Definitely need that third exclamation point. Turn this copy and said, please add one more exclamation point here, please. I have a question on number nine. Do you really mean that last part? Yeah. Seriously, just, you know know girls should definitely just recognize

that men are the fucking leader right and that they like to open ketchup bottles right just really good at it because women are weak right i mean so they can't open a ketchup bottle yeah oh and don't even ask him to open the mustard right and a jar of pickles mayonnaise forget it fuck jar of pickles jesus might as well be in a fucking in like a container you store nuclear wasted like there's no way that's opening without a guy impossible what do you think i'm houdini it's a kind of escape trick a jar of pickles you're like y Geller. You just rub the top and it bends. You just spike it on the ground.

Like, can you open this for me? Boom! I'm a guy that'll follow rules. You can't cage me. Number 10. Throw it against the wall. Number 10 is need him. Dateable girls know that guys need to be needed. A dateable girl isn't a Miss Independent.

I hate to have somebody walking around all independent and stuff. When it says Miss Independent, I can't help but think of a woman in a bikini with one of those banners hanging off her that just says Miss Independent on it. And she's alone. Yeah. Just by herself. Just randomly out in the world. I'm Miss Independent. I organized this whole pageant myself.

I'm the only contestant. I'm also the runner up. I think of the Miss fucking congeniality too. I think of the, uh, I don't know if you remember like from when we were kids, like they have like, like the Mr.

Happy, like Mrs. Sad. Like they have like these little cartoon characters or these little cartoon guys that were all like Mr. Messy and like all these different things like miss independence just like i got my own show just off on her own to the guys men of god are wild not domesticated i love because the guys like you can hear in the

in the in the background of the whole guys list like a harley davidson just revving the whole time it's just um dateable guys aren't tamed they don't live by the rules of the opposite sex they fight battles conquer lands and stand up for the oppressed and my first thought was like unless the oppressed are women. I like the conquer Lance part. Like, what am I supposed to treat her vagina like the beach at Normandy? Like, what am I supposed to do? I just, whenever I have a woman in front of me, I just fucking plant a flag on her. I'm just like, I claim you.

I claim this woman for the king of Tom like she's like that really hurts when you plunge that flag deep into my soft spot I actually don't like where you put it either yeah that was horrible but you know I mean

one of the things she couldn't say anything because one of the things one of the girls rules is number six be mysterious dateable girls know how to shut up what the fuck wow number two though it seems like so ridiculous because number two is tell it like it is right well wait what am i supposed to do shut up or tell it like it is it depends on what it is if it's you're awesome can you open this bottle of ketchup

and i like when you conquered spain then please ladies tell me how it is but otherwise forget it yeah just fucking forget i love this too number 10 for the boys it's like keep it covered up dateable guys know that porn is bad for the spirit and mind they keep women covered up do you even know that porn is bad for the spirit and mind. They keep women covered up. Do you even know what porn is, dude? No. Like, and I don't mean that. It's like, why is this on the dateable guys?

Like, they keep the women covered up? Like, what are they, like, kidnap them and cover them with a blanket in the back seat? The first thing I thought of was, like, burka porn. Right. Like, it's like women are covered up. You're like, I'm still coming on her. I don't know what to do. Hey, buddy, they're covered up behind the glory hole.

It's fine. It's a non-slip surface. It's all good. There's going to be a dry cleaning bill to really talk about here, though. Those rules are awesome. You can find them. I'm going to link to them on this episode, 126. So you can read all of his rules for being a dateable person.

So if you're one of those tragically unhip fuckers who just can never get a date, follow these rules and you still won't get a date. Yeah, this is not guaranteed. This might be good for the folks that like Christian Mingle. I didn't even think it would work for them. What are you telling half of them to just shut the fuck up? Well, that's how it should be. It's the right half. That's the thing.

Oh, no. That's just terrible. Fucking hell. I like the next guy. Okay, so let's move on to the next guy here. This guy's name is Jason Evert. And the best part about what he says is birth control pills cause abortion. It's like one of those guys.

Remember those guys who were saying like every woman has like a tiny little Auschwitz in her stomach. Right. It's like that guy. It's like if it's not Zyklon B, the birth control. Like that's not right. That's not how that works. I love these guys to just spread like terrible misinformation yeah because all that means is that you're just increasing the

teen pregnancy rate totally that's as soon as you say that it's not like girls you're like oh well then i'm not gonna have sex and they're just like well fuck it i'm not gonna use birth control because i don't want to i don't want to have an abortion. That sounds terrible. But I do want to have sex. And since you gave me no practical advice at all, I'm going to do the thing I want to do. And then I'm not going to take steps to avoid the magical thing that's not going to happen that you said was going to happen that wouldn't happen anyway. So now I have a baby.

Well, and then the next woman, Pam streusel or the fuck her name is stencil streusel actually she looks like she's eating a little bit of streusel um she she says uh here and this is this is again misinformation she asserts that the hpv vaccine only works on virgins and that chlamydia, even when treated, is likely to make a woman infertile with a 25% chance of infertility the first time it's contracted and a 50% chance that it's going to be contracted

the second time or whatever. Yeah, it only works for virgins? Are you kidding me? Oh, yeah. No. There's nothing that only work like there is not a thing that only works before a dick went there like that's not it's not like you're like oh man hey catch oh i can't catch stuff anymore because i had sex so yeah i don't know how to do that i just don't like oh okay do you have my sweater yeah i had to give it back because i

had sex with some dudes so it doesn't fit like unless you got pregnant because you were listening to fucking really bad advice right that's not a thing that would happen there's nothing about your life that's the thing that cracks me up about this cecil is like i remember the first time i had sex right like it was last night it was pretty good it's not bad right I thought you know 35 years I you know I held out old virgin you're beating that guy up by five years I still I have that kid though so I'm a little confused about that um she still hasn't explained that to me right she and I have to have a conversation one of these days but um she'll just be quiet during it sure she better be just right

i'll fucking open a fucking pickle jar on that shit but remember like it's like you know it's this big like oh my gosh you know sex for the first time whoa and then you have sex you're like i still want to double stack you know like i want to go to wendy's and get a cheat like nothing about your life changes nothing right nothing but until it happens like everybody and i think that's how these guys can kind of you know sell this bullshit is because it seems like it's this fucking enormous experience for young people and they think like as soon as they start having sex with somebody their whole life is going to change and it's like no your life doesn't really change at all like unless you take their advice in which case your life will change because you're going to get pregnant yeah i think that's a really good point tom because it's very

similar to marriage right they try to keep people i think the most important thing about marriage whether is whether or not you were living together beforehand right because if you're living together beforehand absolutely nothing changes when you get me. I mean, fucking some dude said you are and you said yes. And that's the fucking entire difference of being married and engaged when you're, you know, and it's that and that's the difference between being dating and engaged is nothing. Right. As if you're living together, there's nothing. It's the most important things, of course, are when big changes happen in your life. Like I moved in with someone, that's a huge change in your life. Massive. The sex beforehand, not a huge change in your life.

Your life is relatively the same. It's a very good point. And I think, I think you're right. I think that they can use that because it feels everybody makes it such a big deal. It's such a big, Oh my gosh, you're a virgin. You got a bang, you know, you're a virgin. You got to keep that or whatever the hell it is, you know, whatever crowd you're hanging around with. Right. That's a big deal. But the thing is, is like sexual experience is no different. You know what I mean? Like it's, it's just, it, it doesn't change my day to day life. I don't suddenly spend the rest of my days being like, oh, my gosh, like fucking now that I fucked, everything is open to me now. Right. You don't get to see new colors. No, it's not like you become like one of those fucking mantis shrimps.

I'll tell you what, though, I can open up a jar of mantis shrimps. No problem. I want to talk about another couple more of these. Number four, Joy. Joy? She spells her name J-O-I. Who cares? J-O-I.

She's an idiot. Wasil. Wasil. I don't know. I don't know how to say your name. This person says the speakers claimed that condoms have holes in them and a failure rate of 14%, and actually it's less than three. The first trimester abortions cause infertility, which isn't true. They're actually the safest procedures. And that the morning after pill is a chemical

abortion. Again, another group of people that again, are just spouting off something that they don't know anything about. Yeah. Well, I mean, how about the last one? How about this Shelly Donahue chick? She says, this is very funny. This is good. This is actually the best one. Donahue tells students that if a guy gets sperm anywhere near a girl's vagina, it will turn into a, quote, little Hoover vacuum.

That's true i would be so fucking impressed no if i had a chick with a fucking hoover vacuum vagina i wouldn't be anywhere else all day i mean you're kidding me i would get us purposely stranded on a desert island i'd be like we are this is it this is it i've hit some kind of cosmic mother load. Yeah. This is actually true, though. Women do have a vagina that is actually like a trunk, but it's like an elephant trunk. And that's the thing is it's like an elephant trunk.

And that's where the expression junk in the trunk comes from. I don't know if you've ever heard that. Oh, right. There you go. And also a vagina is really good for getting crumbs out from in the sofa. I don't know if you knew this, but like you can, if a woman sits down and you just get all the crumbs right out of your sofa. You got to get the one that comes with like the extender for hard to reach.

Yeah. Penises. I guess. I like the previous paragraph where she says, she also said that boys are wired to like math, science and numbers and girls are wired. It says and girls are wired to be more feelings oriented. And the whole first thing I could think is like that Malibu Stacy that you like you pull you pull the string is like math is hard. I know. Like that's the first thing I thought of.

I thought she also held up a bag of noodles to indicate that girls are like spaghetti with their feelings about parts of their lives entangled. And I thought this, again, very true because their feelings are delicious when served with garlic bread and primavera. I mean, absolutely delicious women's feelings. I will open a jar of women's feelings and feast on them all day. Oh, yeah. There's nothing like a nice, delicious bowl of women's feelings after a hard day at work. That's why I come home and just devour my wife's happiness. That's what she tells me, at least. So this next story is from the New York Times.

Tennessee pastor disputes wildlife possession charged by state. This guy, as far as I'm concerned, this is, first of all, this is one of those snake handlers, right? So this is this is the church. There's a show called Snake Salvation. I think it's on National Geographic Channel. What? Yeah.

If you're not are not aware. Oh, no, no. I wasn't aware of that. Oh, they were talking about a TV show, but I didn't understand what they were talking about. I've got it taped and I have not had a chance to watch it yet, and I cannot wait to watch it. It is a reality show, I think on National Geographic Channel, but I could be mistaken. And it's all about these fucking total loon balls who do the fucking venomous snake juggling or whatever they're doing.

That's fucking awesome. Like the snake yo-yoing. Right, right. Like the rattlesnake hacky sack shit they do for jesus that doesn't sound like a good idea the funny thing about this is at the top it says tennessee pastor disputes wildlife possession charge and i'm thinking pastors already have a name for disputing a possession charge it's's called exorcism. Right? They're just walking up to, like, the wildlife guy,

like, throwing oil at him. Like, I cast you out. I cast you out. Go to Quiznos. Right. I was already here. The service is terrible. Can I have a snake on wheat? The rattlesnake carbonara would be great.

It's woman's feelings carbonara, thank you very much. It's kind of good. It's not that good, actually. These snake handlers, you know what their thing is, right? So they're quoting this crap from the Bible and saying, if you're super fucking holy and Jesus, like, loves you extra special, then you can handle serpents, you know, and, like, you're immune to their bite. But, like, none of these guys are immune.

They're, like, missing fingers. They die frequently from this. I mean, no, that's tragedy. Yeah, right? Yeah. Whenever I see this, I think, like, you know, the science is already being done. Like, you guys are doing the science. You don't know it because you don't believe in it.

Right. But you're doing the science all the time. And it comes out the same way every time. Poisonous snake bites you, you get sick. It's never like, I've done, but you never find the guy who's like, I've been bit a hundred times by poisonous snakes and doesn't hurt. Every time, like, I got bit by a poisonous snake i lost my hand and my lung swelled up and i feel blood i'm right now i feel fucking terrible welcome to australia son on me i think this is fun this is this is the part that i think is the most important part is this guy says that although – it says in the article.

It says although church members say this guy takes care to keep the snakes secure, the prosecutor is just still trying to make sure that they – to stop them because it creates a public safety hazard. And the first thing I thought is this is in Tennessee. What if there's a tornado and it blows your fucking wall off your building? And all these snakes suddenly get out. These are snakes that can live outside. Right. You're like, oh, well, I just was walking and got bit by a fucking copperhead. Well, that's because some jag off had it in his fucking in his goofy fucking church down

a gravel road is what it says here. It says members of this guy's church it's a two-story brick church which is sits along gravel road and i'm like shocker there huh gravel road probably has a sign outside says no coon on right probably has a sign that says we encourage coon actually yeah it's probably got a water fountain that says for whites only, too. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I like.

And also, too, this also struck me from this. It says there this is this is him saying this. I'm going to try to say what he said. Actually, why don't we let Hillbilly God say what he said? This ain't no longer just a fight for snake handling. OK, so if I get this correctly, this ain't no longer just a fight for snake handling. Okay, so if I get this correctly, this ain't no longer. Is it just a fight for snake handling then? Right, I know, right?

It's like, you have a double negative. It's like right fucking there, bro. This is not no longer. Wait, what? I can't even begin to parse that sentence out, sir. This ain't no longer. And it says, too, at the bottom, it says, just because I take up serpents doesn't make me no more or no less a Christian than anybody else in the room. And I'm thinking, no one's arguing that. Like, who cares about it?

Nobody cares whether you take up serpents. They care that you house the serpents somewhere. Well, the thing is, man, like, you know that at some point, and did you see, by the way, the sign that says, snakes today, Bibles tomorrow? Give me a break. And it's like, wait a minute. Are they poison Bibles with fangs? Rattlesnake

Bibles? Because if so, then the answer is fucking yes. Like, if you have, yeah, like you said, if you have rattlesnake Bibles, like, if there's, like like a King Cobra Koran. You shake your Bible, it makes that sound like. To read it, you have to be like. Is this a Bible or a fucking Morocco?

What is it? I say give them more snakes. Me too. Fucking put them in a, send them to the zoo and throw them in a pit. Just cover them in snakes at all times. It's like, you want snakes? Here's a hundred snakes. You just get everywhere they go.

Like they should open their car door and like just snakes should just pour out. Hundreds Indiana Jones style snakes. Right. Like constantly be coated in snakes. They need to be wearing snake clothing, snake fucking hats, live snakes. Snakes all over. Snake fucking earrings, snake necklaces.

Snake earrings. They're big hoops. They're very large hoops. They should be fucking fastening snake belts and snake suspenders to like make the snake bite its own tail like fucking Ouroboros. They should put their fucking feet in snake's mouths and wear them as shoes. That's what they should do. I think that the

courts should not intervene with this. As far as I'm concerned, they should be lion handling. Like, I don't care. Let them juggle tigers. I agree. I think if you're an adult, you should be able to handle the snakes. I just think I agree that they're a public safety hazard.

You know what I mean? It's like this is this is some jackass. I mean, you've already proven that you're a jackass enough to handle a snake. That means you're dumb enough to leave a fucking snake fucking cage open or something. Right. I mean, some fucking toddler is going to walk up and be like, oh, look, a stick, you know, and then fucking grab it and fucking get walloped by some copperhead or something. That's a stupid thing to do. And it's a public safety hazard.

I totally understand where they're coming from here. But I'm with you, man. There should be just what they should do is they should have to call animal control each week. Animal control wheels out the snakes and then just pours them on them. Just they stand there and it's like a snake fucking shower and it's just fucking just snake after snake after snake and then they get bit and fucking swollen up and then you just roll them into the river and let them float down to the fucking mississip or whatever the ganges corpses like bloated snake filled venom corpses that's what you need i was thinking of one of those like those like tornado things like where you catch dollars.

Like, you know, like the like the old like game shows. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Snakes. Snakes are spinning around. Snake whirlwind. That's fucking brilliant. Yeah.

It's like reach out, like catch the snakes for a prize. But the prize is just more snakes. Snake whirlwind, that would be the fucking Weather Channel would have a field day with a snake whirlwind. They would be showing that around the clock for weeks. It's almost as good as a Sharknado. So we're going to take a break. And then we're going to come back. And during the break, you're going to hear some stuff.

Want to get in touch with the show? So we're going to take a break and then we're going to come back. And during the break, you're going to hear some stuff. Want to get in touch with the show? Send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. Be sure to follow the show on Twitter. Our Twitter handle is at dissonance underscore pod. Like the podcast page on Facebook at facebook.com forward slash dissonance pod, or just type cognitive dissonance into the Facebook search bar. Want your voice featured on our show?

Leave a short message on our Google Voice at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Visit DissonancePod.com to see the news stories featured in the show, buy apps and merchandise, or just leave a comment. And to everyone who helps spread the word about the show by sharing it tweeting it and rating it on itunes glory hole you fucking rock this story comes from slate.com republican governor denies benefits to all soldiers in order to discriminate against the gay ones um Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin was sworn into office. Fallin, I like to think of her as.

What's that? I like to think of her as Fallin. Failing, yeah. Yeah. Fucking, I'm going to reread that then. When Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin was sworn into office, she basically decided, fuck them. Fuck them all. Burn the whole house down, Cecil.

Burn the whole fucking house down. Yeah. She turned this car around. Right. She totally did, man. She did. No Disneyland for anybody. Do not make me pull this thing over.

She fucking, she pulled the nuclear option. Can I say that even though they just pulled the nuclear option in the Senate today? Am I allowed to say that? You can always say pull the nuclear option. She did pull the nuclear option. You know, here's the thing about this. Okay. So what she does is she's pushing back against Pentagon and a presidential decree that says that people that are in the National Guard, and she's from Oklahoma, big surprise, Oklahoma National Guard. She's not going to provide benefits to married same sex couples. It's not going to happen. They say you have to. So she says, fine,

nobody gets benefits then. So nobody that's in the in their National Guard is going to get benefits at all, because if if you want me to give it, I don't agree that it should go to the same sex couple. So I'm going to make sure nobody gets it, which is stupid fucking logic. And I think the biggest part that makes me I think the thing that makes me the angriest is that all of these people that are on this side of the debate that are on that side of like anti that are anti gay marriage. I'm not going to say all, but I'm going to say a lot of them are hawks. A lot of them are people that built their reputations and got elected basically praising the military. You know what I mean? Like praising this military state. There's a lot of

military worship that goes on in our country. And I think that, you know, I mean, this is not an indictment of the people who are military who listen to this show. I think that, you know, I mean, I think while I, on the one hand, I think that it's a difficult job. I certainly don't worship people who do it. And I think that there has been a level of military worship in our country that's sort of alarming. But these are people who really are the proselytizers of that stuff. And to let your people down in some way. of that stuff and to let your people down in some way.

And I mean, go through and start polling the people who are military and see which side of the spectrum they're going to fall on. And most of them are going to be falling on the Republican side of the fence. And I think that it's a great disservice to those people who are giving up their time. And I'm not going to say they're heroes or they're defending our freedom or any of that stuff, any of those buzzwords that you hear. But I'm going to say these are people who the government should be taking care of because they're doing a job that the government is paying them for and they're not taking care of them. Well, and denying benefits to like regular – not regular, but heterosexual couples that are in the National Guard. not regular but heterosexual couples you know that are in the national guard um i mean he's like this is not just some uh you know privileged stance that she's taking she's not just saying

like well i'm going to take this this stand against this thing that you know i don't believe in in homosexual marriage i don't believe in you know i don't know how you don't believe in it it's fucking real so it's like it's like saying like yeah i don't believe in automobiles fucking they're there i don't believe in women in pantsuits right like female drivers um what is this the future uh but you know i guess she just disagrees with it but you don't get to disagree with this shit you know this is like i see this and i think like this is like the pharmacist or you know or the or the asshole clerk. Yes, exactly. You know, you have a fucking job to do.

I don't give a fuck that you're the governor. You're just a bitch in a job. You're a person in a fucking job. I go to work. I'm a bitch at a job. You're a fucking dude or a woman or whatever who does a fucking thing. You show up. I don't care if your job is to fucking grab garbage cans and sling them into a truck or if your job is to be the governor of oklahoma and i'm not sure which one's better but you know you

got hired to do a thing do the fucking thing if i if my boss comes up to me and is like do this thing and i'm like i'm offended by that i got two choices suck it up buttercup yeah or quit yep those are my choices a legitimate choice is not well i'm just gonna fucking burn my house i'm just gonna just you know not only am i not gonna do the thing you asked me to do like hey can you file this report no and actually i'm just going to smash my computer with a sledgehammer what what yeah i don't believe in reports. So I'm going to damage everybody's reports. Fucking that's a crazy thing to do. It's like it's like you're the person in charge of payroll. You don't like one person on that's getting a check. So you don't give anyone in the building a check. And you're like, well, that's stupid. You know, you don't get to do that. You know, just quit. Yeah. You know, you should resign if that's the case. Be like, you know what? I my principles are so, you know, so steadfast that there's no way I am going to acquiesce to the president's demands.

So I have to step down and let the lieutenant governor take over. I think that's absolutely correct. You know, if that's the case, then don't hurt those innocent people. Just walk away from the job. Yeah. I can't do the thing I'm charged to do. What she's doing now is very selfish. It's a really selfish thing to do. She's saying like, well, I don't want to do that, but I still want the paycheck. Yeah, it's political grandstanding. Is what it is.

In the name of Jesus, we speak that. So this story comes from newsinfo.inquirer.net. Inquirer News. Catholic Church sending copies of the Bible and rosaries to these Yolanda survivors. Well, that's going to fucking help. That's great. The Philippines, if you have been, I don't know, fucking dead for two weeks, got fucking walloped by a massive typhoon fucking devastated things 10 000 people estimated to be dead i don't think they have solid numbers yet they may not have solid numbers for a long time typhoon just a hurricane yeah just on the the other side of

the world yeah why the fuck don't they just call it a hurricane i don't know man why why the fuck don't we just call it a typhoon well pick one what the fuck i don't know man i don't like why do we have to differentiate i don't get it what if there was an island that was like right between the two hemispheres what if it's like a same-sex marriage typhoon i don't then you just double fucked on that thing no then you then you then you deny privileges to all hurricanes in the world you know you do you stand outside with your fucking head in the sand being like, I don't believe in you. I don't believe in you. And you wait for the fucking typhoon hurricane thing to destroy and micate you. rosaries and Bibles, because that's taking up space that valuable food and blankets and shelters and things like that and water can fit on the truck. Even if it's just fucking, you know, I mean, I understand it's like fucking three Bibles, right? If you brought three Bibles with

you and like five rosaries and they're just like in a backpack somewhere, fine. But chances are that's not happening here. You know, when a whole council of bishops is sending several copies of the Bible and rosaries, I have a feeling that's fucking boxes. Okay. It doesn't list how many there are, but it says 3000 rosaries. That's a box of rosaries. Yeah. And somebody has to spend time and money to ship and distribute that stuff. And I was just listening to npr this morning and people are like desperate for food yeah no i was reading there's some fucking medicine yeah harrowing accounts there of that shit you know i there was a story i just i just listened to

yesterday where some dude you know had a broken leg and went into fucking it got all infected and septic and the dude died from a fucking something as simple as a broken leg. Yeah. Because they just they don't have access to quality care and medicines. And they just splinted it with the Bible. Just wrap Bibles around it. Right. Use the rosaries to tie them together.

Tie it. You know, another thing you use rosaries for is, you know, if anything, the Bible taught us anything. You know, a sling is good to catch, you know, large game and kill giants. So I think, you know, you could use the rosaries as like a makeshift sling and go to catch large game and kill giants. There you go. So I think you could use the rosaries as like a makeshift sling and go hunting things, right? Other people. Maybe people with broken legs who can't get away fast enough. They sort of hobble.

They're easier to hunt. That's for sure. Super easy. You could just load the Bible into the rosary, spin it around, and whip it at people. Just fling Bibles at people. It won't kill them, but it's fun for amusement. Yeah. Hit birds. Just sort of daz's fun for amusement. Yeah, it hit birds. Just sort of dazes them for a second then they fly off, but it's amusing you

while you starve to death. Right. Yeah. Right. There you go. It was awesome. But I feel so very, very weak. I went out with a smile on my face. Thanks, Catholics. That was awesome.

And it's funny, too, because it's like's like you know it's not like they can fucking consume the paper fucking from the bibles you know is the cellulose necessary to survive they're fucking human beings not termites you know i mean like like there's nothing there that's useful i mean it's just i mean you might as well have just shipped them your garbage. You might as well have just taken your dustbin and your fucking banana peels and the scrapings from last night's dinner and put it in a bag and sent it to him because it's that fucking useless. I'm sitting here trying to make a joke about like sending them something more useless. And as I look around the room I'm recording it in i can't see anything more useless and i'm not even kidding i was like i was about to be like you could send him a bunch of fucking

winter scarves and i'm thinking like well i mean i guess a scarf could be useful you could use it to lash some things together like seriously a like a book and a rosary you you may as well just send him fucking like insults like at at that point, send them DVDs. You could send them a box of DVDs. That'd be pretty useless. If the only thing more useless would be to send them would be another typhoon. We believe we're moving into a supernatural season where if needed, God will multiply food.

I have seen God multiply food. I have seen God multiply food more than one time when I was cooking. I mean, when my kids were little, they were always bringing their friends into the house. And I remember, you know, spooning out spaghetti or whatever, just praying in the spirit over that. And God just made more and more and more. You know, I've seen oil multiply as I was praying for the sick. I've seen bottles of oil just fill up about a cup at a time of oil. Remember when we drove our car in Weatherford Decor?

I mean, on one set of tires, we had, how many miles was it? I mean, maybe. A lot. Yeah, way, way beyond what could ever happen with one set of tires. I mean, I remember one time I had a pair of shoes that I wore and wore and wore and wore. And it just, just for years, the shoes did not wear out.

And I wore them years and years and years. So this story comes from New York Magazine. Paul Ryan. Poor people need Jesus, not food stamps, says a dude who doesn't need food stamps. Who's never needed food stamps. Right. Fucking dick. I like that Paul Ryan here, guy who's pretty, I mean, he hasn't led as charmed a life as Romney, and they even mention that.

But he still comes from a family of means. One of his family, I think one of his family members or his great-grandfather had a business that opened in like the 1800s, and it's like a national business. I'm thinking, you can't be fucking even thinking about food stamps and have a national business, right? It's not like half the family's poor because your family has a national business.

He says here, because this is from last year or when he was talking, he says, Paul, this is from someone talking about him. Paul wants people to dream again. You don't dream when you're on food stamps. And I immediately, I was on food stamps as a kid. Yeah, you do. You dream of getting off food stamps.

Right, right. Like, yeah, no, you dream of it because it sucks to be on food stamps you know it strikes me that if you take away the food stamps from somebody who needs the food stamps they would dream a whole lot less because a you've cut down their options and b it's hard to sleep with a growling belly right there's no dreaming either that or they just sleep forever, right? Right. And now you're dead. Look at him dream. Dream that dream in that casket of dreams.

We buried him in his graveyard of hope. We had a funeral of good fortune for him, and now he's off in heaven. We sent him off to heaven with a big hug. Right. Because that's really all you get. You don't get any fucking money from us, bro. Right. Goodbye, son.

It's terrible. It's fucking terrible. He does say, you cure poverty eye to eye, soul to soul, spiritual redemption. That's what saves people. You can't eat that. Nobody's ever been like, oh, man, what'd you have for dinner? Some delicious spiritual redemption soup. What does it taste like?

Getting face fucked by Paul Ryan? And couscous. Strangely, it's that. Couscous. Is that what comes out of Paul Ryan? That guy ejaculates couscous. Right. Look at that. It's like little nuggets of couscous. Right. Look at that.

It's like little nuggets of couscous. How does that work? Awesome. It's al dente and everything. He's like one of those Play-Doh fun factory things. You push on his head. You push really hard. It's Israeli couscous.

Crescent moon, crescent moon. Hello, Napa. Hello, Weppa. Hello, Weppa. So this next segment, we're actually going to talk about two stories kind of in one because they're both equally retarded. The first one is from the BBC News. Kuwait Twitter insult present. What?

First of all, this I almost didn't even tweet this story because the headline is so bad. I'm just going to read this headline. Kuwait Twitter insult prison sentence condemned. Fuck you. That story BBC write bad headline, do you? It's like Tarzan is the reporter. Right? New BBC, you reader.

Basically, some dude fucking got sent. I mean, this is what it sounds like. Five years in a Kuwaiti prison. Sounds super great. For 140 characters insulting Islam. That seems like a rational response to a big problem. Five fucking years in prison. Five years.

Like, oh, wife, family, I love you guys. I'll catch y'all in half a decade. A hundred and forty characters have insulted Islam. Wait, what's the worst that happens when somebody says something, right? I mean, like, I can't imagine something. And it's not even something that bad. But even if it was something horrible, getting five years for that is just, I mean, that's just atrocious. And the people who come out and they're always like, oh, you're always picking on Islam.

You're always picking on Islam. I can't believe, you know, it's not anything that, look, this is the government putting somebody away for basically saying something against Islam. Right. You know, the only reason you can say what you say about it and say that, you know, you shouldn't be, you know, insulting Islam, you shouldn't be talking about Islam is because you're over here. That's the it's the only reason because you're fucking safe from this sort of thing. Nothing can happen to you over here. Absolutely. In this way. You know, if you were over there, it'd be a totally different fucking story. This guy didn't do anything but type something on his goddamn smartphone and he's going to

go to jail for five years. And there was another case that was in the same deal here. It says last month, the Kuwaiti court upheld a 10 year prison sentence for a blogger who was convicted of insulting the prophet and the kings of Saudi Arabia and Bahrain on Twitter. That's worth 10 years? 10 years, man. That's worth 10 years of someone's life? Are you telling me that somehow that a country that is saying that you insult the prophet

and you go to court 10 years, that somehow Islam is free of guilt on that? That's bullshit. Yeah, I mean, what this tells you is that these people who are defending this, like you said, they don't have to live under this threat, this constant heavy weight of oppression. This is a tool to oppress people's free speech. This is a tool to make sure that people um aren't free to speak their mind because if anything you could say you know on a

forum like twitter are you kidding me and the thing is too like did you read this part where he he posted the tweet took it down 10 minutes later yeah i know 10 minutes then sent two more tweets out to clarify what he said i mean imagine if every fucking blurt you made on facebook you know or twitter or fuck anything anything at all you could be sentenced to prison for i could say any fucking thing i want hence this show and i don't ever have to live with that fear of insulting somebody's God so badly that I'm going to get thrown in fucking prison. Yeah. And Cecil, this next story, I mean, it's not an isolated incident.

It's another fucking story the same week. This story comes from The Independent. Saudi Arabian man arrested for giving out hugs. Hugs. The dude was, seriously, there's not anything more to the story. I just told you

the whole story. The guy was saying, hey, if anyone wants a hug, I will hug you. It wasn't like, I will fuck your wife in the face. No. It was like, I'll just, if you want a hug, I'll hug you.

And if you don't, that's cool too. So they threw his fucking ass in jail? What are you so afraid of? Your society is like, whoa, whoa. We can't have people going around hugging each other all willy-nilly we gotta put a stop to that like we have a big fucking what we get they are they gonna start like a war on hugs well you know i the thing that boggles my mind is that they give away free rapes all the time. I don't know why they're so worried about the free lashes.

Actually, 100 percent of premarital sex starts because there was in the past a premarital hug. So I see where they're coming from on this. There you go. It's a premarital hug. It's a premarital hug. And that's why they got to chop that guy's a premarital hug. Oh, my God. And that's why they got to chop that guy's arms off, right? I mean, so he can't hug anybody anymore.

He can't hug. Yeah. Look, it's an eye for an eye, and it's a hug for a chop. It's a fucking lopping for a hug. Right. But you got to, actually, what's interesting, and they don't put this in the article because it's not true, is they have to take them and bring them over to Iran to put them through the finger chopping machine. It just takes a long time to get all the way to the shoulder.

Yeah, you just got to keep feeding it in there. It's like you're making sausage. You just got to keep shoving it in there. Oh, shit. What the fuck is wrong with you when your religious police are like, whoa, whoa, we got a hot one. We got an all points bulletin. We got an all points bulletin. There is a man giving away hugs.

Drop everything. Stop chasing witches. He's hugging dudes. Right. That's the other thing. He's not hugging women. He's just giving a hug to a dude. It's not a thing that's sexual in any way,

but he's arrested by the vice squad. Right. Virtue and prevention of vice. Well, because you don't want people getting addicted to hugs. Oh, gosh. It's like crystal meth. They'll be coming up to you like, you got any hugs, man?

I need it. Hugs, not even once. Right. Just hugs. Like their teeth are falling out because they're hugging people somehow. Picking up random things. Like just like run it to a camel and just give it a big squeeze. I can't stop hugging.

Gotta hug everything. I'm Captain Huggins. There's like hugging cactuses and shit. They're like, oh, it hurts so much. I'm randomly smelling roses in the house and... That's your grandmother. Does she have a message for me of any kind? Yeah, she's sending you roses to tell you she's there.

Thank you very much. Yeah. So this story is from everywhere, including New York Daily News. Sylvia she's there. Thank you very much. Yeah. So this story is from everywhere, including New York Daily News. Sylvia Brown's dead. Yep. Yep, she's dead. And I think, you know, Tom,

you know, there's not a lot to say about this. I think that, you know, she was a huckster and a charlatan and she told some really horrible things. And I just want to read DJ Grothy was on our show last week and DJ released a statement today that I think is really just says it all. So I'm going to read DJ statement here. It says the James Randi Educational Foundation sends our condolences to Sylvia's family and loved ones. No one celebrates her death, but skeptics do criticize how she lived. Her dismal track record at predictions, she confidently predicted she would

die at 88, not 77, for instance, would merely be laughable if they did not hurt so many people. instance, would merely be laughable if they did not hurt so many people. Remember Sean Hornbeck or Amanda Berry? And obviously, Sean Hornbeck was somebody who they I think what they predicted she predicted was dead, but found later. And then Amanda Berry was the person who was she predicted was dead and then was found alive after her mother had died. And she was kidnapped by that Castro guy in Cleveland. And this isn't all in there. I'm just editorializing. Now this is back to DJ. The number of people she hurt with her pretend supernatural abilities is nearly as high as the number of her failed predictions. It is sad that it took death to stop Sylvia Brown. And I think that encapsulates every skeptic's thoughts on the matter of Sylvia Brown dying.

Yeah, I mean, it's not something that we, you know, we're not going to really go over and like make a bunch of bad Sylvia Brown jokes and like, did she didn't see that coming sort of stuff? Because it's all too predictable. We could channel her, though. You gotta get one in there. You got to get one. One in bad taste. She's like hanging out with that Ramtha lady, that Ramtha woman with the channel. Ramtha.

She raises her eyebrow, that Ramtha lady. When she does that look at the camera, she's like, her eyebrow like fucking flips up past her scalp line. It's like a Fucking flip top eyebrow. What? Why is your body do that? Your body shouldn't do that. Yeah. She is like that romp the lady.

Actually, she's just as believable as that romp the lady. I romp the lady is somehow more believable, especially now Sylvia Brown's dead. Sylvia, if you watch the stuff that she did, the stuff she did was just, I mean, she was not good. She was, she would do stuff and she would just, I mean, she would do what the Long Island Medium is, which is just sort of look into a big crowd and just say, I'm sensing, you know, a Vicky or something like that. And then like somebody stands up and, you know, now I've got a mark. I've got somebody who has this thing so I can start saying stuff. And most of the time, these cold reading people like DJ said last week, it's it's a it's a cold reading is not just a thing. It's a several different things, psychological things that happen at the same time.

But really, what's happening is, is they're just they're just building off the bad and you forget the the misses. I mean, off the bad and you forget the misses. I mean, you forget. You select out all the misses. I mean, talk to anybody who's gone to a psychic and they're going to tell you about all the misses. They won't tell you about all the misses. They're just going to tell you about all the hits that happen. I mean, that happens constantly.

And they'll forget. People will forget that they've even told people stuff. They'll say, you know, even, you know, 20 minutes into the conversation or whatever, they'll bring up something that happened early on in the conversation and they won't remember that they said it to people. That happens all the time. And then, you know, the one thing too is, you know, I, I feel like at the, there's, there's, I'm conflicted on, uh, on what DJ said last week and what a lot of people say about going to go see a psychic. I really do think while there is some benefit for skeptics to go sit down and have a psychic give them readings, I also feel like giving them money empowers them in some way and keeps them

going on because none of us, I mean, very rare few of us are going to sit down in that reading and actually confront that person. Right. You're not going to go in there, pay your money and just be like, you're a fraud. You didn't pick anything out about my life. I don't think many people are going to do that. Even by the way DJ talked last week, it seemed like he was saying like he got all the way to the end of it and they said, oh, you should come back sort of thing. Right. I mean, you certainly wouldn't invite somebody who was openly disputing what you said back

for a second reading. So I think that even people who are, you know, as, as steeped in the skeptic community like DJ is, aren't going to be in that skeptic, in that psychic booth disputing what the psychic has to say. So there's really no merit. You can find out about all this stuff just by watching other people. You don't have to pay for it. And I feel like paying for it, like DJ said, it feels like the more you pay for it, the closer that person is to Sylvia Brown. Have you ever gone? I've never gone. I just feel like I don't want to go. I just don't want to pay them money to support them. Right.

Yeah. I've been twice. Really? Yeah. Not my money ever. I've been with people. So once I was with my buddy and his girlfriend and they wanted to do it. They thought it would be fun.

We were just hanging out in the city one day. Were you a skeptic? Yeah. Well, yeah, I've always been kind of an asshole. So I think that's kind of similar. That's good enough. Sure. This was when I I've always been kind of an asshole. So I think that's kind of similar. That's good enough. Sure. This was when I was like first or second year in college.

Oh, OK. And we went and it was funny because there was the one girl and the three of us were very close at the time. And so when we went up, the psychic, you know, fraud, whatever, she couldn't read the body language to see who the girl was with. So she just was like, yeah, you know, you're going to be with somebody with brown hair. And like it's like, well, first of all, that's most people. But like this dude and I had both brown hair, like everything she said was couched. So it could have been either me or my buddy. Right. She couldn't tell which one of either me or my buddy. Right.

Because she couldn't tell which one of us was with this girl. Yeah, yeah. Which was very funny. It was very obvious what she was doing. It was hilarious. And then another time I went with my wife. God, this was so long ago. We weren't even married yet. We're talking like probably 15, 16 years ago.

Just on a whim, maybe even, we're talking like probably 15, 16 years ago, just on a whim. Maybe even when we were in college again, just on a whim driving past one of these places. And we went in and it was in this like woman's house, like it was a storefront, but it was also like her house. And you went and she did like a tarot card thing. And it was entirely generic and it was entirely pointless and it was entirely 25 i didn't have like that was the whole thing we walked out of there and we're like what's the point like she just tells you plus like the other thing psychics a lot of times it'll tell you anything that you don't know that like what good is it for you to tell me things about me that i already know

i know that where's the insight i gain from that it's that's like it's like horoscopes right when they're like you're a strong person and you're just like who cares right who cares what the paper thinks about me tell me like tell me if you can tell me something that's gonna happen tomorrow like right hey tomorrow at 4 30 don't get on the number 34 bus yeah don't ride your I ride my bike to work every day if I went to a second they're like don't ride your i ride my bike to work every day if i went to a site and they're like don't ride your bike tomorrow that's a different that's a different thing instead of just being like you seem fit or you seem fat or whatever you know yeah exactly instead it's it's just like i'm gonna give you insight and by insight i mean shit you already know about you and you're like what would i do with that information but did gibberish because there's

no answer to it i was watching um you know now that we're talking about psychics i was watching that um i was watching it was on tv that woman um the oompa loompa what's her name caputo caputo yeah she was on tv and uh she was doing revisited she was going back to places that she had visited once. So she was doing this tour back where she had already done readings for people. And she came back and she was talking to this girl. And it's a young girl. I want to say 1920. That's what she looked like. I don't know how old she was, but a young girl. And she's doing this reading with her and they're going back and showing that reading, right? They're showing what she told this woman. And she's having this reading with her and the

woman, she says to her, I feel like your father has put your boyfriend in your path. He set this up for you basically. And she starts crying. She's like, oh, I always felt like my boyfriend was like a gift from God or whatever, you know, and et cetera, et cetera. And I started thinking about how harmful that statement is. What if that boyfriend down the road beats her? What if that boyfriend down the road cheats on her? Well, that's who your dad put in front of you.

So now you can't do anything about that relationship because that's not a relationship that you chose to be in. That's a relationship that somebody else, a past somebody who passed who you have guilt over now breaking up with them if you decide to, because your dad fixed this whole thing up in the afterlife. Like that's a damaging thing to say to somebody because you suddenly lock them in. It's not like this is her husband. is her boyfriend this isn't her fiance even yeah this is a young person like where most relationships in 19 and 20 aren't gonna pan out you know you're still feeling this out and yeah like i i i see that entirely like the first thing

that occurs to me it's like we don't call on psychics like we don't we don't call our fucking dead relatives to play matchmaker for a reason. You know, like, hey, I'm, you know, looking to date somebody. Let's see what fucking dead Uncle Frank says. Hey, dead Uncle Frank. Who should I be dating? You never call. I mean, it's just such a stupid idea. Anything she does, if that relationship doesn't work out, is going to be dishonoring her father.

You know, that's how she's going to see that now thanks you dumb bitch that's fucking woman is evil yeah and that's and that's also too i mean you know like that's what sylvia was doing too when she would have people on her show and she would be like yeah i just see him around this you know i see him around water or whatever she was saying that about amanda amanda berry she was like oh you know when they're in water you just never find find them. But you know, I'm sorry, but you're never going to see your daughter again. And the woman died. She did never see her daughter again, but she lived through it. She would have saw her daughter again. I know. I know it's, I mean, she, she was a bad person. Like she just was like, she was not a harmless individual. She was a fucking bad

person. And I think she knew she was a fraud. She wasn't one of these people that is self-deluded. She fucking knows she's a fraud. Because when she's called out and when she's challenged, she doesn't respond. She's not like, if I thought for sure that I had these fucking powers, I would be as transparent and up front with you because what do i have to hide i've got fucking magic powers let me take it away from psychic and say like say another magic power let's say i could fly i could just fucking fly and somebody's like you can't fly and be like fucking i will fly right now and i fly around for a minute be like hey look at me

flying if i can drop eggs on their head and shit and fucking settle back down and be like, I flew. Did you see me fly? I was flying. You got some fucking videotape of that shit? I flew. You would be proud of it.

It would be the extraordinary thing you can do that nobody else can do. You wouldn't back away from challenge. You don't see the people that go for that million dollar challenge are the people who are self-deluded. Those are people I don't think you ever get anybody who's trying to trick the system because con artists know they can't pull the con on somebody that is going to scientifically test them. There's just no way they can pull the con, you know, because the way in which they have to test them, you have to be really, really

accurate to figure out all the stuff that they do. So you can't just be a con man and think, I'm going to somehow guess this stuff with no tells. The reason why a con man can walk in and do cold reading is because he can use the mark to get the information. If you can't use the mark, then the information just is, you're just randomly guessing and they already rule you out for randomly guessing. So anybody who's just going to walk in and randomly guess like Sylvia, like Caputo, like John Von Prager or whatever the fuck his name is, that dude, all those people, they're not going to guess that shit because they know they're going to be wrong. So they don't want to be made fools of. They've already got a cash cow. They've already got a way on the Montel show, $800 an hour phone calls. They've got giant auditoriums that they can fill. They have TV shows on TLC. Why would

they ruin that by getting this million dollar challenge? Because they know for sure that they are. I think they absolutely know. And I disagree with what DJ said last week when he was saying that, you know, these people, some of these people think that they do it, that he doesn't think that Caputo, I don't think Caputo, I think Caputo knows. Yeah, I think Caputo knows too. It's such obvious bullshit.

There's no way she's being, there's no way. There's just no way. It's the same, the problem withuto too it's the same script you can almost fucking recite it yourself right now right it's the same script it's it's rehearsed it's a job it's all that it is it's just a fucking job and it's every i mean it's everybody and she uses the same language spirit told me this or whatever you know and it's like it's the same language and it's all pushing Christianity. Oh, yeah. Uh huh.

All of it's pushing Christianity. Yep. Yeah. So you can't be an atheist psychic. You can't do that. Like, that's not possible. That'd be awesome, though. It'd be great.

Like, you're fucking going to talk to your dead dad. What'd he say? Nothing. Real quiet, actually. It's real. Nothing? Real quiet, actually. It's real.

Hey, Sheepso. Hey, Tom. This is Mike again from California. Just want to let you know a daughter. She's kind of like my second daughter, I guess you can call her. She adores me, and I adore her. She's great. And around nine years old, she was asking me one time, hey, Mike, what religion do you believe in?

And at that point in my life, I wasn't really super confident in my atheism or what I understood or knew about what I should tell a child that's not mine. Anyway, so I kind of froze and then you know her mom kind of took over saying well you know uh he believes in something different than we did out there and then that was when she was nine a few years ago and then now she's 11 and one of my buddies and I we text each other like really anti-race anti-religion stuff because because it's funny. Anyways, and so she had my phone. She sent it again. He texted me something, whatever, anti-God or whatever. And she read it, and she goes, oh, you don't believe in God?

I said, no. And now, because, you know, now I'm not afraid to tell people that I'm an atheist. And I go, no. She goes, oh, I thought I was the only one. And her mom just flipped her lid. Oh, my gosh, it was awesome. I loved it. Anyways, glory hole, and you guys have a good one.

Oh, and by the way, it's about 87 degrees here. Ha, bye. Hey, guys, glory hole. It was nice to hear after 123 episodes that with the new GarageBand, you finally found the fucking master volume and figured out how to turn it up. Now I can actually hear you douchebags in my car when I'm driving to work. Anyway, one of my favorite segments on your show is the Google voice transcriptions. I really get a kick out of that. One of the segments on your show is the Google voice transcriptions. I really get a kick out of that.

I'm an ex-pastor, and one of my old church members has taken it upon himself to call my cell phone every morning and pray for me. Well, I didn't have the heart to ask him to stop, so I listened politely every morning half asleep until I figured out how to block his number and send it to voicemail. Well, I have Google Voice set up to transcribe all my voicemails and can read them on my phone. So every morning I get a transcription of his voicemail, and reading those transcriptions has become something I look forward to every day. I want to read you one of those recent transcriptions, and maybe after I do you'll understand why it's become the highlight of my day. Here you go.

Hi, Father. I have a nice song sheet to use, Christian, on behalf of John. Watch over him, project, and see no harm comes of you. Have the strings of the power of doors to keep going on in your name. Hey, kids, stop there. Hey, with him to listen. The street of your courage. Yang, help him on his way.

Your hairy shield of protection around him. Sorry. Your hairy shield of protection around him and his family, and she didn't know if she penetrated with them all. Hey, you have their needs. You got the hit. I remain. Bye. I have to die. Yeah, man. There you go. Take it easy, guys, and thanks for the show. So I want to make a mention of something here real quick. We're actually going to be switching our iTunes to news and politics.

It seems like comedy, for some reason, we're getting ranked really low in comedy, and we're not sure why that's happening, even though our downloads are actually higher than they have been for a while. So we're not sure why that is, but we're going to move on to comedy and iTunes. So that means that if you haven't rated us on iTunes, if you haven't taken the time out of it, or you haven't taken the time to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, you can just go up to the search bar, search for Cognitive Dissonance. Give us a quick rating if you have a few minutes and subscribe on iTunes. It just helps our rating and it helps other people see our podcast. So we just love it if you give us a

chance. Just give us a rating, give us a subscribe, and other people get a chance to endure what you have to go through every week. And Cecil and I really get a chance to, uh, to endure what you have to go through every week. And Cecil and I really get a kick out of reading the reviews too, just selfishly. I really like reading the reviews. I genuinely enjoy it. So if you write a review, please don't think there's no feedback mask mechanism there, but please don't think that it's being ignored. Um, we read every one of them. I want to mention, we got a little bit of shit this week. And some of it might have been a joke. I can't tell.

Because when people send us stuff on Twitter, I'm just like, fucking, there's no way to emote that. So I don't know. Well, you could throw them in jail. So if somebody's being snarky, what's that? You could throw them in jail. I could. You could just send them. I'll just call the Saudi Arabian vice squad to come give them a hug.

There you go. It's a hug that winds you up in jail right i just i don't know if somebody's being snarky or if they're really being you know actually you know just playing around with us i can't tell but we got a bunch of shit about not knowing what the order ordo templari or whatever the fuck it is who the fuck cares a fucking made-up organization that you know is like some masonic lodge where people drink shit out of big horns or something. And then, and then the other thing is, is like Baphomet, Boba Fett or whatever he is like, that is like a demon or something. Like, so there's no demon.

It's a demon because somebody said it's a demon and there's a Wikipedia article on it. Who cares? But it's still a fucking demon, which means it doesn't exist. Right. And there's no reason to spend time learning the names of all these fictional characters right i mean there really isn't like i know like you you know we've we've had this we've had people level this out as us before that like we're not you know if you don't know everything about it you really shouldn't be making fun of it no i i disagree like it's that's nonsense um demons are fucking bullshit they're just bullshit

it's a silly fucking concept they're not real no one's ever proven one if you want to get fucking buff format on the phone like if he's sure available i'll fucking chat with the motherfucker but until then he's just some shit made up out of whole cloth out of somebody's imagination right that's all that that is it's it's you know get him on the phone or get voldemort on the phone i don't care right you know i mean they're both fucking fictional characters boba fett boffa matt whatever i don't give a shit like they're just both fictional characters and just because i know i don't know these fictional characters doesn't mean i somehow have a less

knowledge of the world i guess or i'm not as good a skeptic because I didn't know who this particular demon was. Who gives a fuck? Like, I don't know. There's a list of demons, like a fucking huge list. I don't know all the fucking Cthulhu mythos either. Like I know Cthulhu and Azatoth. OK, well, does that make me less of a H.P. Lovecraft fan because I didn't know Haster the unspeakable? Who cares? Look, just replace any time you feel like saying that, like just replace the name of the demon or the made up bullshit with Darth Vader. Right. Just replace it and then say the same thing again and say like, well, is that more or less plausible or is it the same amount of implausible?

I guarantee it's the same amount of implausible. Yeah. And are you stupider for not knowing who Lestat is instead of Darth Vader? Right. You know, like you just read a different book, watch a different thing. You used a different medium, right? You watched a movie instead of read a book or watch. You could watch two movies.

Lestat's in a movie for crying out loud. Who cares? It's all fiction and it's all fiction. It's all made up and it doesn't matter if we don't know it so take that the audience i know god in the next couple weeks we're gonna have a try to get a couple of guests on the first thing we want to mention is that we're going to try to get mike on from skeptics guide to conspiracy we're going to be talking to him hopefully the next couple of days and see if we can get him on for a short interview and to talk a little bit about conspiracy. Because Tom and I love conspiracies. That's like one of our favorite things. We're also talking to Adam. Adam does

the Herdman Mentality podcast, and we're going to try to get Adam on our show. And Adam actually asked us to be on his show. We're going to try to set something up there. We'll keep you posted on that. And then we're also in talks with Sean Faircloth, who has been on the show before, but Sean has a brand new thing that he's trying to talk about. So we're going to plan to try to get Sean on the show in the near future. And then also in the next, probably in the early next year, we're going to try to have Ross from skeptically challenged on our show. We're actually going to be on skeptically challenged.

At least it's in the planning stages right now in December. Sometime we're hopefully going to be on a, a show with Ross and geo from geologic. So it would be interesting to have a whole sort of, it'll be like a party line phone call from like the 90s. Yeah, it should be a lot of fun. I think that show, I'm looking forward to doing that show. That should be a lot of fun.

We're pretty guest heavy coming up through the next several weeks. So that's good for you. Yeah. That's less of us. Yeah, it's less of us. You're happy about it. Everybody's happy about it we got

a great email and i just want to say thank you to hannah hannah sent us a message and said hey tom and cecil you guys okay i heard a tornado ripped through your area um she doesn't know if she's anywhere near us but she's watching the news and she uh you know she's she's hoping we're okay so thank you hannah for saying that. I'm in Chicago, actual Chicago proper. Tom is a little bit outside of Chicago, and it didn't come anywhere near us. But this is a good time to remember to, if you have a little extra cash, throw some money at the Red Cross, the organizations that go out and help the people who were both injured and lost their homes in Washington, Illinois this last week. So there was total devastation in that city and many other cities. And the Red Cross has been all over that. So if you have some extra cash this week and you want to help some folks in the Plains of Illinois,

throw some money at the Red Cross. I know it's going to go to a good cause. Yeah. And I would say that if you're one of the listeners who's been thinking about donating some money that, you know, and this week maybe you were going to pull the trigger, pull the trigger to the Red Cross. That's what we'd like you to do. We really would appreciate that. If you do that, you're helping out people who need it a hell of a lot more than Cecil and I do. Yeah. And there's also the people from the monsoon, too.

Right. Not monsoon. What is it they call it? It's a typhoon. Monsoon, typhoon monsoon typhoon um those people also need help so you know obviously money that goes to doctors out borders and other things that is also another great way to spend your cash don't spend it on us that's no reason on that just take that money that you were going to donate to the show and donate to them

tom we got an interesting email just entitled, What's the End Game? Yeah, I'm going to read the last portion of it. It says, I love your comedic criticism and I don't want your show to become academic.

No chance of that. Yeah, no kidding. But guests such as Peter Boghazian, who gave great advice about engaging religious zealots in conversation, made me feel the podcast is more than just ridicule.

Am I wrong? What is the end game? I don't think you're wrong. I think the podcast is more than just ridicule. Am I wrong? What is the end game? I don't think you're wrong. I think the podcast is more than just ridicule. It's ridicule and juvenile humor. So we like to be multidimensional. No, there's laughing too. We laugh.

That's true. Yeah. Sometimes you fart. So there's farting. Yeah, most times you're farting. You're farting right now i hear the rumble anytime you turn on a new microphone time is wonderful picking up those farts too it just gets that bassy resonance that you have just like that somebody's listening to our show

and their trunk is rattling yeah um what's the end game i don't know see so what's the end game when do we stop what how do we know i don't think there is an end game i mean i think the end game? I don't know. See, so what's the end game? When do we stop? What, how do we know? I don't think there is an end game. I mean, I think the end game is when you and I get done, get sick of talking to each other, which hasn't happened in 20 years, or we get tired of recording that conversation. Yeah. Um, I think you guys are stuck with us for a while, at least until, you know, we get so busy that it's impossible to do. But at this point, there's nothing in the horizon that's coming up that would make that thing. So I just think the endgame also isn't like, I mean, neither of us is going to run for office. We can't.

No, that's not a possibility. I don't know what else there is. Yeah, what do you take podcasting to the next level and it's like super duper podcasting? I don't know. It's, you know, we've already structured our lives and we've been doing this show 126 episodes, but we did another show for four years. Yeah. You know, or longer. So we've structured our lives around doing this show and something we both enjoy.

So the end game will be, I don't know, when podcasting just isn't a thing, when that's like as ridiculous as cassette tapes probably. Right. Who knows? That's when you stop. Right. Or we stop. You know, to be honest, I think the time we stop is when there's no more news items.

Right. When we look at the paper and there's nothing like what we read this week. There is no person out there who's saying that you're going to get AIDS from a condom or something. Right. Wouldn't that be great? Yeah. I mean, that'd be great. And I'll be happy to stop when that's not a case, but it, you know, as long as that happens and there's not going to be, you also say here, Randy, you say, um, uh, that I have often said, I've never read the Quran. Also, Tom has never read the Koran either.

It says, my thought is, with so much content heavily weighted on pointing out the asinine theology of the Islamic hate system, wouldn't it be stronger position to say I have read the Koran to some extent? You know, for one, I don't like, I don't want to take the time out to read it. But secondly, I don't think that, you know, basing your belief system on a book of magic holds any weight, whatever that book says. Yeah. Replace Koran with any other book. Replace Koran. So take away this idea that we should respect holy books because it's nonsense and say, OK, well, what if I said that I was going to subjugate my wife because of something that I read in Huck Finn?

That would be a stupid thing to say. That would be a mean-spirited, cruel thing to say. Now, if you criticize me for that, you don't have to read Huck Finn. You can say, hey, your justification that you gave, you told me that's why you did it. I'm not ascribing this to you. You came out and said, based on my reading of Huck Finn, I'm going to subjugate my wife. I'm going to beat my wife and make her feel less than. Well, I'm open for criticism. I've given you my rationale. I told you my reason. You don't have to go out and read Huck Finn to come

at me and say, hey, man, that's a fucking horrible idea. You're you're justifying our heinous act with there's no way to justify a heinous act. Yeah. And I also think, Tom, one of the things is, is like there was a guy who said something about critics, like you're not supposed to get down and roll around in the mud with them. I feel like if you start splitting hairs about what it says in the Quran, you're rolling around in the mud with them. You're allowing that book into the conversation as if it means something and as if it had some sort of importance. I feel the same way about the Bible. If somebody is going to start quoting Bible verses at me, I'll be like, look, what do you just want me to read Harry Potter to you? You know, it's the same. It's just fiction. Like that is, that's just a fiction. And if I carry that around and start telling you about the fucking sorcerer's stone, instead of you telling

me about the fucking sermon on the Mount, I think they're equally the fucking equally works of fiction. So you're not, you and I aren't going to get there. Let's just do what Peter Boghazian says, which is let's talk about faith. Let's talk about faith. Let's not talk about the Bible. Let's not talk about religion. Let's talk about faith. How did you get there?

How does your brain get there? How do you know things? That's the way in which to talk to people, I think. I don't think that bringing up the Bible or the Koran is a way in which to – I mean that's just my personal view. You may have a different view. You may want to read the Koran and be able to do that sort of point-by-point arguing, and I don't disagree if somebody does that. I just don't have – that's just tedious to me. Well, and that's an anti-apologetics issue.

Right. And I think you'll notice that this show doesn't take on apologetics at all. We're not anti-apologetics in our scope. That's not what we do. So we're actually not, we don't attack theology. I don't think Cecil and I have ever really attacked theology. I think what we always seek to do is find news stories because we want to talk about people. We want to talk about events. We want to talk about ethics. We want to talk about moral codes. We want to talk about events we want to talk about ethics we want to talk about moral codes we want to talk about uh rationale for making decisions those are the things that interest i think cecil and i yeah and the show we did about apologetics or whatever was just us reading the revelations and laughing about how dumb it was right that's not it was we weren't attacking

and like people said we weren't attacking some of these scholarly arguments about what it was no we just thought it was hilarious to fucking locust head armor. And as we were very clear, that shit was a filler show so that you could go on vacation. See, so yeah, it's very true. Tom, we got a great email from Matt from Australia. I said, DJ made me realize you guys are not the honest, self-deluded podcasters. You're the switch and bait gypsy kind. Promising guests for weeks, then delivering occasionally.

Teasing us with a bit of an interview, then making us listen to the rest of the show to hear the rest of it. Luckily, I'm as dedicated to the show as Tom. And it's too much effort to click fast forward or unsubscribe. I like that he ends his email with Jake land. He's Matthew from Jake land. That's awesome. That's very true. Tell Jake we said hello.

We haven't talked to that magnificent bastard in a while. If you haven't ever listened to Jake's show, the Imaginary Friends show is a great show. That guy's fantastic. He's such a hoot. He's a funny dude, and he's got a great fucking voice. He really does. He's a ravishingly handsome gentleman. Um, we got a bunch of different responses about, uh,

people having, uh, people interacting with a religious ceremony, Tom, and we got a specific letter from Ben. We did. And Ben's letter was very interesting. And he had some comments and he had some questions. He was actually seeking some feedback. So, Ben, what we would encourage you to do is to just copy and paste this and post it as a comment on our webpage. Just go to DissonancePod.com. Go to the comments section for the show. Post it.

Just copy the whole damn thing. Post it in there. That's what that's what that section is for. You'll, you'll find that people will engage you on that site. Um, if you don't want to do that, take it to the Facebook page, um, and do that. That's another great avenue to get some, you know, some feedback on these things. Another place to do this is there's a group, um, uh, a Google plus group that's actually quite active, um, called irreverent skeptics. It used to be

called ink zone or something like that. They had a big long list of podcasts. They were basically, it was a pot, a group of people who really enjoyed irreverent skeptic podcasts. And then they just changed the name to irreverent skeptics. And you can find that I'll actually post a link to the group for this episode of Cognitive Dissonance, episode 126. And like I said, it's called Irreverent Skeptics and it's a Google Plus group. So if you do get into Google Plus, and I think that the format is great and the people there, there's a group of people there. Some of them are less impressive than others. There's like a misogynist who's sort of frequenting the boards

now, which is kind of annoying. But there's other people there that are very, very intelligent guys and girls, and they really have a lot to say. And some of the some of the discussion there, I think, is worthwhile. And they're all snarky and funny, too. So it's actually worthwhile. So you might want to post that there. That seems like a good place to post it too. I think a lot of people would really respond to it. We got an email from Todd and Todd talks about how he started listening to the show and how we sort of have grown. He really, it's just a big, long glory hole email. And we want to thank Todd. Todd, master's degree in oriental medicine, practice acupuncture and Chinese medicine. That is amazing that somebody who does that or did that listens to us. I'm amazed.

You know what? I'm honestly amazed at the intellectual honesty that it takes to spend that kind of time and that kind of money pursuing something and then pulling out of that and deciding – because the natural inclination is for you to buttress your efforts, your resource expenditure. To say, hey, I spent all this time, all this money. I'm going to find ways to prove that that was not a worthless venture. Yep. ways to prove that that was not a worthless venture. So for you to have moved into becoming a skeptic after having poured all of that resource and energy into this nonsense or whatever, I think it's genuinely impressive and it's to your

credit and I applaud you for it. Yeah. I mean, if your BMW is a lemon, you're still going to talk about how great it is. Right. Yeah, absolutely mean, if your BMW is a lemon, you're still going to talk about how great it is. Right. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. We got an email from a person by the name of Troy, and Troy has a venture called the Secular Safe House. And Secular Safe House is a safe refuge, I'm reading directly from their website, for those coming out of religion, cults, and also coming out as LGBTQ.

What's the Q? Is that questioning? Is that what that is? I don't know. I didn't know there was a Q in that. What's the Q at the end? LGBTQ? I'm not sure.

It's just going to be the whole alphabet, surely. Yeah, it's crazy. So Secular Safe House, I'm going to put a link to Secular Safehouse on our website on this episode of Cognitive Dissonance at DissonancePod.com, episode 126. So go there if you're interested in finding out more about Secular Safehouse. It's a great idea. So good luck to you, Troy. I hope it works out, and I hope you wind up getting the funding and things you need. Yeah, I think this is uh this is needed so um you know if anybody is out there listening and they do feel and i know we've

gotten emails about this and they do feel like they're alone and they do feel like they're um you know like the only one in their area i guarantee you're not the only one in your area right you're just not um you're not alone you you just have to find your way out of that shit. And I think resources like Secular Safe House are vital to that cause. We got an email from Danny, and Danny said he wanted to recommend a podcast called The Church of Awesome. It's former LDS members turned atheists that uses mush. He says much, but it's much profane language as you do. So that sounds great.

The Church of Awesome. I've never heard the Uh, the, uh, the church of awesome. I've never heard the podcast, but, uh, but we hope you go check it out. Um, I'm sure they're findable on iTunes. So as we said, next week, we're going to try to get a guest on. We're not going to promise anything, but we're going to do our best and, uh, and hopefully we'll have a guest for you. Um, if not, you'll just have to deal with another show like today, which is one of those shows you just fast forward through. Right. We get it. We understand. We get it. We get it.

But but until next week, we leave you as always with the skeptics creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing, water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch, late night info docutainment. detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. double-speak stigmata nonsense.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. I'm on. I am on. Got to do the Christmas thing because we just played a Christmas song.

Cecil, I don't know about you. What about this is cognitive distance? What about fucking this is... Tom, get it together. 126 episodes. Get it together, Tom. I was so moved. You were. You were ready to go.

You're like, Christmas songs. I love Christmas songs. You actually hate Christmas songs. I hate Christmas songs. You actually hate Christmas songs. I hate Christmas songs. I loathe them. Do you like Christmas at all? No. I like it now that I have a kid, but I only like Christmas Day.

I enjoy Christmas Day. All of the associated shit that leads up to Christmas, like the forced goodwill and the festive cheer. I love it. It makes Oh, I love it. I love it. It's like, it's like nails on a chalkboard. Oh God. I love walking into a store in my most, you know, like, like fucking, I don't even know, like, let's just say Michigan Avenue even like, and it's crowded and there's tons of

people and they're walking down the street and it's like snowing out and I'll walk into like wherever the fuck, it doesn't even matter, like Nike town or some stupid store like that. And I'll walk in and it'll be like, sleigh bells ring. And I'll be like, fucking, I'll be singing along. I love it. I love it so much. It's, it's, it's really, cause I, I'm, I just remember really shitty Christmases growing up and it's like, it's exciting now. I'm like, this is great. I love the – we go watch the ice skaters, and I just love Christmas season. The whole next month is going to be glorious. It's going to be great.

Just get me to the 25th. Just get me to the – Just catapult me from Black Friday to Christmas Eve. I just – I hate it. Hate it is too strong. I've come I hate it. It's too strong. I've come to tolerate it. But like the look of all that fucking gaudy ass garland and plastic and shit everywhere. Yeah, that's great. Coating people's lawns and the fucking everlasting smiles painted on the goddamn reindeer makes me just want to puke.

I hate it. I'm such a humbug. You're such a dick. I'm such a humbug. It's terrible. You're awesome. There's gonna be a fucking... Okay, ghosts don't exist. Forget it. I was gonna say. There's gonna be three ghosts. I'm just gonna be like, what? Fucking ever, dude.

Yeah, whatever, man. I'm shaking this chain, bitches! They're gonna be like, look at your future. It's like, have you seen the size of me? I don't have a future. It's the ghost. I'm going to die eating a hot dog next year. It's like the ghost shows up at midnight, and you're like, it's like the ghost of future is like tapping his watch.

He's like, we only got until 1230. You guys got to like look past it. The ghost is just like, yeah, I would come here to try to change your mind, but you don't have a chance. You just don't have a chance. You just don't have a chance. We got to talk about your cholesterol. The ghost of future has like one of those big ass fucking reflector things like the doctor and like a stethoscope. She's like, sorry, man. You're a rough fucking year for you.

I can't believe I got assigned to this guy. I'm going to use my sickle to get the cholesterol out of your fucking veins. Like, looks up, like, really? What's the point? What are we here for?