Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 148: First Bort

Episode Date: April 28, 2014

   

Do you want to get Cognitive Dissonance streamed to your iPhone or Blackberry? If so, download Stitcher free today at Stitcher.com. Hey guys, this is David from Kentucky. I was just calling to tell you guys, Gloria, I found your show through The Scathing Atheist and I'm currently listening back through the catalog. Right now, I'm about episode 97, right when Tom is giving up reading the intro. I just wanted to say, since you just, from my perspective, you just had the Allah Akbar contest. I thought for the longest time before you clarified they were saying Allah Akbar,

that they were actually saying something to the effect of a long wank away, which to me is really existential. And the idea is that collectively, the whole religion is one good long wank away from being sane. Now, that's clarified. I still hear it, but it's not as funny to me anymore. But keep up the good work, guys, and peace out. Hey, guys, it's Mike from the Irreverent Skeptic Podcast. I'm having my show there again. You guys kind of jokingly mentioned on the most recent episode

something about a potential cannibalism and hitting a guy in the face with an axe potentially and all that kind of stuff. It sounds ridiculous, but there was a story a few years ago from Germany about a guy who met some guy online, and the two of them entered into a pact where one consented to be eaten by the other one. Yeah, so potential cannibalism is a thing, although the guy did get to jail for murder. Anyway, keep up the good work, guys. Spoiler alert. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended.

The explicit tag is there for a reason. That's dumb for it to go there. Your mama's dumb. What do you think of that? Your fucking mama's... I don't argue with that, actually. She is fucking really dumb. She's really just dumb. All right, so with that, actually. She is fucking really dumb. She's really just a dumb. Alright, so Curry, this is all you. Do I still record

on my end and then upload it, or are you recording? We're not recording. It's everything on here. You're not even actually hooked up to your computer right now. It's all hooked up to this fucking recorder. I don't understand what you're saying at all. Do I have to bang rocks together? Do I have to fucking

bang a rock to another rock? What are you, are you serious? It's all recording onto that. Am I serious? No, I'm fucking lying to you. Okay. Okay. Go recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago. This

is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence. To any episode that makes the news, makes it big. Any episode? What the fuck does that even mean? I don't know. It's any topic.

I've had a couple of beers. All right. Hold on. Hold on even mean? I don't know. It's any topic. I've had a couple of beers. Hold on. You cannot christen this brand new gorgeous fucking studio with this shit that you've just done. Redo it. Do it live. What the fuck? This is kind of goddamn

taskmaster. Do it live! I will row! I will row! Do it again. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Actually, it's Plainfield. Shouldn't we say Plainfield? No, because then they know where you live. I could be in Plainfield, New Jersey.

I think there is one. That's not a good thing. That's true. Alright. Recording from Glory Hole Studios. All right. Recording from Gloria Holstein. Live from New York, this is Saturday Night. You make everything awful. You make everything awful. And I know this isn't the first time you heard this because I'm sure your wife says this to you all the time. She just hangs her head in shame.

She just hangs her head in shame. She just hangs her head in shame. Hey, I'll remind you of the same thing I remind her. I'm the best you can do, motherfucker. It's sad. It's sad and it's true. It's true. Because if you could trade up, you certainly would have. I would have traded you in

for a Sethh andrews so long ago oh my god a fucking steve novella oh jesus recording from glory just do the first story already well hang on a minute cecil so we should we should tell the listeners that we are actually recording from Glory Hole Studios, which was funded by our patrons. That's right. That's right.

Thank you very much. I've coded this room in soundproofing materials. So even in space, my wife cannot hear me fart at this point. It sounds crazy as shit in here. It's awesome. It really sounds good. It sounds absolutely nuts. And let me tell you, you left me to my own devices, Cecil, to hang the acoustic egg crate foam. Yeah.

Which was an adventure, and I'm going to tell you a little bit about that adventure. So each of the panels that I bought was six foot by six foot. Right. I am not six foot. Although I don't buy six foot. You're significantly less than six foot. Couldn't you have laid on your side and then reached in? And these things are huge and floppy and weird.

And I'm used to small and floppy. Not huge. Oh, the people who don't like us laughing have already hated. They've already shut this episode off. One star on iTunes. I hate these guys. But I'm still going to listen. I've taken the time out of my day to rate exactly one program, and it's yours.

And it's a one star. Suck it. So I'm down here today, and I've got this idea, right? So I'm like, all right. When I first went to put these things up, I was going to adhere them and I did end up doing it with spray adhesive. Right, right. You had set as much, yeah. Yeah.

So I went to do it initially and I was like, that's not a thing that I can do. So I had to come up with another solution. So I decided to use double-sided tape, double-stick tape up at the top of them because otherwise I'm like pushing these things against the wall and like body slamming them, like physically, like holding them and like pressing them. But like I'm doing that thing where you've got like all your arms all akimbo and like one leg

and you're trying to like, and then you're just like waiting like, is it dry yet? Like a fucking starfish on the bottom yet? On the bottom of the ocean Right, right, exactly Hugging Yeah, but they don't make starfish this fat No, no, they don't

Well, we haven't explored the deep, deep oceans So maybe they do Dog at the bottom of the Marianas Trench Lives a starfish so obese So So obese. So morbidly obese. And so I figure out the double-sided tape solution. Oh, we're still going with the story? I am.

We're still going. Fair enough. Okay. And this room, let me just tell you. Yeah, no, I'm listening. I'm spraying this contact adhesive in this room. Yeah. And it says on the cans, like, use in a well-ventilated area.

Do not use around humans. And this is the least ventilated area that you could possibly... I know, we made a fucking hot box. Could you imagine fucking smoking a joint in here? You would fucking fall over. You would die in me. Oh my God. You would eat all of the cookies.

You'd eat this shit off the wall. Are you kidding me? This would You would die in me. Oh my God. You would eat all of the cookies. I'm just saying like You'd eat this shit off the wall. Are you kidding me? This would be a Dorito factory. Oh my God. So I'm in here and I'm spraying this fucking contact adhesive and the fumes have nowhere to go

and I'm wearing this fucking like one of those dust masks. Yeah, yeah. Particulate mask that doesn't do anything. It does nothing. It's just hope. I'm just basically wearing hope. That's what I'm wearing, right?

And my seven-year-old is down here, and he's like talking to me, and I'm like, I can't sentence. I can't brain. Go away. How was he? Was he fine? He was fine because he's seven, so he's not good at math anyway. He's constantly in the state of half brain. Right, exactly.

So it doesn't matter. He's like, I am a Lego. Like, you're not actually a Lego. That's not. Oh, my God. So I'm down here. Oh, we're still going. Okay, all right.

Fair enough. And then I just want to point out that we are right now in a room that is off-gassing more toxic fumes. This is an EPA Superfund site right now. You know what the best part is, is that the you know, the Patreon dollars went to this, and then they're going to go for our iron lung later. I'm prophylactically on chemotherapy. You could accept the fact that this city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportion.

What do you mean, biblical? What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor. Real wrath of god type stuff fire and brimstone coming down from the skies rivers and seas boiling 40 years of darkness earthquakes volcanoes the dead rising from the grave human sacrifice dogs and cats living together mass hysteria this story comes from the friendly atheist blog microchips for newborns hoax has thousands of christians believing that the end times are near again.

And I want to point out, see, so the first thing I want to point out is like, that image when viewed on a cell phone, doesn't look like somebody pinching a forearm. Yeah, I think I think you know what you're talking about there. It kind of looks like a... I opened up I opened this up on my phone, I was like,

that's a fucking work device, I can't I was like, that's a fucking work device. I can't. I was like, back, hit back, hit back. Oh, my God. Yeah. So anyway, it doesn't matter, evidently, how atrociously written the prose is or how unlikely the story, yo ass got poed, Christians. And I saw that and I thought, well, they're kind of used to it, right?

Right, right. It's like the whole Bible is poeing them. Sure. You know, it's a crazy story. Essentially, what they're thinking is that somehow kids in Europe would be getting this chip. It's an RFID chip that then would be linked. I'm reading directly from this article. It would be linked to a satellite, which would guide the network.

As forecasted, this chip would be essential for all kids born after May 2014. And it would be a GPS. It could basically set them within five meters. And the first thing I thought is, like, well, you're fucking low jacking your kid? I would low jack my kid. But even as cool as it is, right, as cool as you're just like immediately, like you would say, I would low jack my kid. Yeah, sure cool as it is, right? As cool as you're just like immediately like you would say, I would low jack my kid. Yeah, sure. But that's not how chips work, right?

I know, right? Like with a dog. They don't send and receive. Yeah, with a dog, if you chip your dog in their ear, I don't even know where it goes, but like in the ear or wherever it goes. It's always in the anus. Yeah, it goes right in their balls. So that makes them a little angry for a while. But no, like wherever you chip them, they like run a thing over. They have to scan them, right?

They have to scan them, right? So it's not like. It's a passive device. Whatever they chip you with is a passive. It's not like they have a power source. So essentially it's just like a body fucking determining device. It's like a dental imprint for your kid. And so that if somebody finds it, they can be like, who does it belong to?

Boop, boop, boop, boop. It belongs to you. Right. But if it was for a kid, the kids, you know, it's not like people are just going to be walking around, like, chipping kids and just checking them out. Like, the only way they're going to find them is if they get away from the person who took them, right? Right.

Or if they're murdered. Those are the only two fucking options. Yeah, exactly. Or it's like, or your kid just, like, wanders away. I will say, like, when my kid was this... Hold on, let me cue the listeners. This is a bad parenting story. Play some background music so nobody...

When my kid was three, he snuck out a window, because we had these floor-to-ceiling windows, and my wife had opened up the windows, and he just decided he was going to go for a walk. So he was fucking three, and he just popped out a window, and my wife was looking around like, hey, didn't we have a kid? She just couldn't find him.

And he wandered two blocks away before she picked him up. And some stranger had picked him up. So, you know, in a circumstance like that, it could be perfectly benign and enable you to find your kid. I guess what I'm saying is I would cover my kid in microchips if possible. You know, seriously, I would fucking microchip my kid like I do a dog. Here's the thing, though, right? The reason why it's never going to fucking happen is because people are so fucking, they got their panties in a fucking bunch about this beast, right?

I know. The beast, the beast, the beast. How much shit is being held back because people don't want to fucking have some sort of prophecy from Revelation come through because they're so afraid. They're so fucking ass clenchingly afraid of some 2000 year old dusty book that they're just like not interested in moving forward with technology that could be a lifesaver. Right. You know, you're exactly right, because it is technology that could legitimately save lives, reunite kids with parents. I mean, we had to tattoo our child at a very young age. And that's difficult to do.

You've got to get property of tattooed right on his forehead. That's going to follow him for life. And then you gave him that distinctive scar right afterwards. We branded him. Yeah, because those are real important. We're just terrible parents, as it turns out, though. Branded, right? That's when he fell on the stove.

Is that that? This next story comes from the telegraph. Telegraph? I cannot read. This next story comes from the telegraph.co. You need to have more beer.

Jesus, I've had two. It's like I've had like 17. Yeah, this is going to be a good show. Yeah, really good. I'm already typing out a bad review right now as we speak. Three out of ten. Would not host again.

Would not host again. That's from the Telegraph. Women who have sex before marriage should be hanged, says senior politician in India's socialist party, Abu Azmi, the socialist party's Maharashtah unit chief. I think I nailed that, by the way. You did. It's a good one. It's like, I think you should change your name. Says that women who have sex before marriage should be hanged. While the party's leader says he will scrap a law, give you the death penalty to rapists if he's elected prime minister. But Cecil, before I hand it over,

he did have a good reason why he wanted to scrap the death penalty for rapists. That is, boys will be boys. Right. Well, was it stored in his neck? Is that where it went? In his tiny little... How would you know he has no neck? He looks like a Lego man.

He looks like a jack-o'-lantern. Look at that face. This guy's awesome. Yeah, it says women who have sex before marriage should be hanged, but almost certainly the guys who have sex before marriage are hung, right? Is that how that works? Yeah, nobody is throwing that out there. Men who have sex before marriage should be congratulated.

They should have a small party. They should high-five their friends! Yeah, he says here, he's part of India's Socialist Party, whatever you said his name was. He said he would get rid of a recently introduced law that handed death

sentences to rape offenders because it was not uncommon for boys to make, quote, mistakes. Now, Tom, a mistake is when you accidentally put too much cream in your coffee. That's a mistake. When you forget to turn on your turn signal. That's a mistake. When you decide to host a podcast with me.

That's a mistake. No, I would—that's a little more than a mistake. We're going to work our way through the thesaurus on that one because I don't know that that's a mistake. Tra, I would get... That's a little more than a mistake. We're going to work our way through the thesaurus on that one, because I don't know that that's a mistake. Tragedy is more like it. When you accidentally call someone by the wrong name. Right. That's a mistake.

That's a mistake. Yeah. I think, you know, clearly this is just... When you force or coerce a woman into sexual intercourse? Isn't that about the same thing? That's a mistake. I think it's a little more severe. Oh, no.

I tripped. That's an accident. Right. That's a mistake. I think it's a little more severe. Oh, no. That's an accident. That's an accident. What a fucking horrible degenerate. But, you know, I will say, though, that it comes from a solid place. It comes from a place that he says it comes from his Islamic duty. That's basically what the article says. Islamic duty.

Does that smell? It does. It actually smells particularly bad, as a matter of fact. It smells horrible. And then it says, too, like, the solution. This is crazy. The solution is this. He has a solution.

The solution is this. Any woman, whether married or unmarried, who goes along with a man with or without her consent. Right. Yeah, so without her consent. Right. Yeah, so without her consent. Without her consent, who gives a shit? She should be hanged. You know what? Fuck it.

Bulls should be hanged. It shouldn't be allowed even if a woman goes by consent. So he's basically saying like raped or not raped. Who gives a shit? Hang them all. Hang them all. You know, the one thing I can glean out of this dumb fucking pumpkin head. He does look like a pumpkin head.

What he's saying, he's fucking, he's got it. He's like Ichabod fucking Crane, you know what I mean? Like, or whatever, the fucking Headless Horseman. He looks like the only Indian dude I've ever seen who's wearing fucking tanner. Like, fucking spray tanner. He looks orange. He does. He looks very, very orange.

He looks even oranger. He looks like Romney. He's like a short, fat Romney. You know what he's saying here, though, when he's saying that they should both be hanged? What I think he's saying is that— You should hang them both? What I think he's saying is that you shouldn't have the death penalty for raping someone, right? Because someone could accuse someone, they could be wrongly accused and you shouldn't have the death penalty.

The solution isn't not punishing the rapist or punishing them both. The solution is don't have the death penalty. That's the fucking solution, right? That's the easiest solution that you can come up with because there's clearly nothing is death worthy, in my opinion. I don't think anything's really death worthy.

You know, the problem is there's nothing, there's no perfect justice. Right, and then there's no way to revoke it. Even with DNA, right? It's like, and that's the other thing too, is that you're also saying that no one can be redeemed, right? No one can make a mistake or, and again, I don't want to call it a mistake

because that seems like a bad idea to call it a mistake, right? But no one can do something that they can't feel sorry for later on or change their mind about, things like that. You're essentially, you know, when you think about the death penalty, those people are just stuck in that mode forever because you're just like, well, they'll never be different.

Maybe somebody might never be different, but that's not necessarily everyone will never be different, right? There's a reason why you don't meet out a punishment that cannot be revoked. Yeah. Well, and, you know, the other, I mean, the thing that kills me about the death penalty. Hey-oh! Hey! You slipped that one in there.

The thing that kills me about the death penalty is that it assumes a perfect justice system. Because if it didn't assume a perfect justice system, if you didn't look at your justice system and say, we've never made mistakes. Everybody who has everybody who complains of a crime has

been victimized. Everybody who is guilty, who's been found guilty of a crime is clearly the perpetrator of that crime. That's the only way. If you were to be able to say, I have a hundred percent certainty in our justice system that everybody who gets, you know, everybody who gets this punishment delivered to them is going to be guilty

a hundred percent of the time. Okay, then fine. Maybe you can make an argument that I can, that I can spend some time thinking about. Right, right. But I won't even spend a minute thinking about your argument. Your argument is fucking nonsense with an imperfect justice system because I could like that guy who got accused of and then sentenced to and then sent to jail and await death penalty and then is later exonerated. and then is later exonerated, he's the exact same amount of guilty as I am.

Sure, sure. So unless I'm willing to look at my wife or my son or myself and say, yeah, I'd send that guy to prison and fucking kill him there. Yeah. And maybe, you know, hey, maybe he didn't do it. Maybe he didn't do it. He was certainly in the wrong place at the wrong time. Look, we'll err on the side of caution.

Yeah, exactly right. Yeah. Except for when you're the err on the side of caution. That's a bad thing. Wait a minute. And even with DNA evidence, it's not 100%. There's no way to be 100% because you could be like, somebody could fake the DNA evidence. Sure, there could be fuck-ups in the lab.

There was a whole lab scandal-a-do the other day that was like... Is that how they called it? It was a scandal-a-do. It's a scandal-a-do? Yeah, they get real technical in the DNA labs. Yeah, it was a scandal-a-do. Scandal-a-do. It's a scandal-a-do. I like that, yeah. They get real technical in the DNA labs. Yeah, it was a scandal-a-do. Scandal-a-do! Don't mind if I scandal-a-do!

Never mind me. I'm an idiot. Let's fuck! I'll fuck anything that moves! Fucking magical warlock I love this story Jesus Christ This story comes from the It's so fast

It's just like It's like two lines I know this story Has nothing in it But it's fucking amazeballs Raw story Police West Virginia

Magical warlock Coerced sex from kids By promising to cure ill mother. That's really mean. Dude, it's like the worst of the worst. It's so mean. This is meaner than fucking like razor blades in a Snickers bar. It really is.

It really is. But at least the picture that they chose is ominous. It's like warlocks, let's choose a skull and some candles. Yeah, it's a skull holder down at the bottom. It's many skulls. Oh, I didn't see that. Look at the skulls. Yeah.

Oh, it's great. You know, my favorite part of this article, Tom, is that- Article is generous. Yeah, it is generous. It's this five lines of text, James Jim Irvin from Bluefield. And I'm thinking- Hey, my friends call me Jim. Why do you do it?

Like, nobody knows that James means Jim? It's not like his fucking name is Dave Spooky Larson or something, right? It's like fucking Jim. What the fuck? It's short. It's like fucking Tom, you know, it's like Thomas Tom, you know, like who would do that? Right, right, right.

Richard Rich. Hmm. Richard Tricky Dick. I know, it's so fucking funny. Yeah, well, you know, clearly this is, again, another person who's, you know, you don't want to blame the religion on this one. But what you do want to do is blame the ability for, you know, us to have superstition in our society that leeches so much that people do think that this could be a real thing, even though they're children, right? Well, children with their fucking dying mother

pretty much do anything. Seriously, it's like, oh, you're already vulnerable? Let's wait till you're more vulnerable. Sure, yeah. But he's a Wiccan. It says he used his Wiccan religious beliefs to get close to the children. And one of them is three years old.

Three. Three. So it's like, my mommy's sick. I'm going to fuck you. Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't think that's. It's just fucking horrible. Everything about this story is really quite horrible.

It's terrifying. It's really quite a horrible story. West Virginia, though. It is West. I'm actually amazed that somebody's a Wiccan in West Virginia. That was like the- And not dead. I was like, yeah, okay, somebody used a superstitious mumbo jumbo to rape a kid.

Like, well, the Catholics have been wailing on that one now for a long time. No shocker. I was just amazed there was a Wiccan in West Virginia. I thought they would have burned them by now. Right. Something would have happened to them. Right. There's going to be a hanging.

I can't imagine being a Wiccan in West Virginia. That's some shit, man. Hello, Wicca. Hello, Wicca. Hello, Wicca. This next story comes from Slate.com. You know, when this first happened, I didn't tweet it out. I wanted to wait a little bit and see what happened.

Ugh, God. You know what happened, Cecil, is the number went up. Parents say 234 schoolgirls are missing in mass Nigerian kidnapping, far higher than official reports. When this first happened, the number was like 90-something. And those fucking assholes from that Boko Haram group and that Boko Haram nonsense, like it means Western education is sinful, right? It's an Islamic group that's seizing control in parts of Nigeria. Oh, I thought it was in Florida.

Oh, you said Boko Haram, not Boca Raton. Yeah, I know. I've gotten them confused, too. There's I thought it was in Florida. Oh, you said Boko Haram, not Boca Raton. Yeah, I know. I've gotten them confused, too. There's lots of missing kids in Florida, so it's totally to be expected. They grow up to be fucking retirees eventually. The alligators get them. Right, right.

But they get them, like, hundreds of people, fucking hundreds of them. Sure, hundreds. And, like, all kinds of crazy shit. A quarrel of a hundred. Right. And they can't find them. Sure. Hundreds. And like all kinds of crazy. Four of a hundred. Right. Yeah. And they can't find them.

How do you not find several hundred people? What do you need with 234 people? You know what you could do? You could field 26 baseball teams. So. You could fill one Malaysian airplane. Oh no! Oh no! Also, missing.

Jesus. Is that where they went, Phil? And, like, Boko Haram's like, we just gave them a flight to Malaysia. We were trying to help out. We didn't do anything. What do you want from us? Jesus. We did not expect this.

This was unexpected. Yeah, they had initially said it was, what, 75 people or something like that? Yeah, that number bounced around like crazy. And then it's fucking just like, no, it's going to be a lot more than that. The principal was like, I think it was like 70, 90. And you're like, wait, what? Like, every time I turn on NPR, it was different. Yeah, he's sitting there away from everybody.

He's just going, please be under their desk. Please be under their desk. Please be under their desk. He calls the J calls back to the janitor. Did you find any kids? No. Hundreds of kids? Did you look in the gymnasium

for hundreds of children? Because I had to talk it down a little so I didn't lose my job. Let's take a quick roll call. Oh, shit! No one's answering. Guess they stole all of the kids.

Bueller. Bueller. God. What a horrible fucking thing. I bet it ends well. What the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with these people? I'm going to go with everything.

If only these kids were low jacked. I know. That way we can identify their fucking machete corpses later. I'm done with this story. There's nothing good that can come from this story. Jesus Christ. Let's take a break. So I want to mention quickly, if you haven't rated us on iTunes or Stitcher, that we could use a couple ratings, especially on Stitcher.

Somebody went and rated us on both iTunes and Stitcher with a really bad rating. And they still listen. Go fuck yourself. Stop listening, you jerk. I don't want you to listen to this show. But we could really use your ratings on Stitcher. And if you haven't added us on Stitcher into your playlist, please do so. It boosts our numbers. So we just appreciate if you could add us on your playlist there. And

then if you could give us some ratings, we'd really appreciate it. iTunes and Stitcher are great places to leave those. We're going to leave you here with a short break to talk about how you could donate to the show and how you could contact us, and we'll be right back. If you would like to contact the show, visit the website, DissidentsPod.com, for the links to the Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, and email accounts. You can also call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Did you know that you can become a patron of the show? Go to patreon.com. That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n.com forward slash dissonance pod and you can donate to the production of Cognitive Dissonance on a per episode basis. If you don't want to donate money, please take a moment to

give us a good review on itunes or stitcher or tell a like-minded friend about the show so to everyone who supports the show glory hole you fucking rock hey cecil yeah it's time to play a game all right let's play a game so the game is can you identify whether or not a quote comes from contemporary Christian music lyrics? Okay, because I'm really familiar with that. Reach back into the deep memory banks. Or from Fifty Shades of Grey. That one I am familiar with.

Something else you have never. I have masturbated to that many times. So, all right. I've actually masturbated to the thought of it, not the actual book. How would you masturbate to print anyway? What would you have to do to read? I guess you had to do that for most of history, right? Like old timey?

It'd be a hot and heavy story. You'd have to wank one to that? You'd be like, oh, I'm going to use my imagination. Wouldn't you just read it and then just wank it after? Because I can't imagine you holding up the thing because it'd be hard to read. It'd be moving. You know what I mean?

What happens next? What happens next? I got to slow down. They went and got pie. They got pie. This is terrible. I fucking hate you. Fuck it.

I'll still jerk off to pie. Yeah, I'm all right with that, actually. Yeah, no, it's good. As it turns out. That's the stuff. So, Cecil, which of the following is a lyric from a Newsboys song? Okay, yeah, right. So, Newsboys, I think, is a Christian pop song.

Newsies, not to be confused. Newsies, yeah, totally different. They're like little guys in suits. I don't think that's really any different. And a pork pie head. Anyway, is it, giving it over over I was flat on my back? What? Yep.

Wait, so I have to guess? No, and then the other line is I come instantly. One of those is from a Newsboys song. It's got to be the first one. Which use of hand is from Fifty Shades of Grey and not from a CCM song? You gentle your hand. That's the first one. Or gushing with surrender in your hand.

They're both the same. Or what? There's more. My hands are open, so take what you see. I think it's more? My hands are open, so take what you see. I think it's a third. My hands are open, take what you see. I think that's a third one. All right.

Okay. So you think that one's from Fifty Shades of Grey? No, I think that one's from the. No, you're picking now which one is from Fifty Shades of Grey. Oh, yeah. This is a very confusing. Pay attention to the motherfucking instructions. Very confusing.

What was it again? Say the three. You're picking the one. All right. You gentle your hand. That doesn't even make any sense. I know. It's poorly written. Yeah. So I'm thinking Fifty Shades. All right. You gentle your hand. That doesn't even make any sense. I know. It's poorly written.

Yeah. So I'm thinking Fifty Shades. All right. Go with it. Go with it. All right. So number three. Gushing with surrender in your hands.

That one. I'm going to go with the first one. It's from Fifty Shades. The first one. Okay. Number three. Three of the following. It's the counting.

The number of the counting. I held up four fingers. Three shall be the number of the counting. I said three. I held up four fingers. I've been inhaling a lot of fumes. It doesn't mix well with beer, apparently, either. It does mix well, but it doesn't mix well with podcasting.

There's a third variant. Or heavy machinery. So, three of the following four lines are from Skillet songs. I guess Skillet must be a Christian rock band. Fair enough. It's also a delicious breakfast item on many menus.

I see that. I'm like, what is your first song? Like Hamburger Helper? It's like eggs covered with chorizo. Can we just stop podcasting and get some food? I'm kind of hungry now. All right, Skillet. I haven't eaten since other meals.

Holy shit. You've got to listen. Okay, three of the following four lines are from Skillet songs. Skillet. So, A, stretch me bigger. Oh, that's big. B. Three of the four are from fucking Skillet.

Three of these are from fucking skillet. An empty vessel to be filled at your whim. Okay, that one's definitely a skillet. I'm exploding like chemicals. I'm going crazy. Can't get enough. It's hard. It's so urgent.

It's so desperate. I can feel it in my bones. So just tell me which one. First one. It's the urgent. It's so desperate. I can feel it in my bones. So just tell me which one. First one. It's the first one. One of these four is dirty talk. The other three are DC talk. Which one is not DC?

DC, again, must be the Chris Rock band. You consume me like a burning flame. Anytime, anyplace. I am calling out your name. Oh, you know that I surrender. They're all the same. I didn't even know. I can't put a question mark with that one.

I don't know. Fifth one. This is the last one. All right. Different people handle pain differently. Which one is the Fifty Shades of Grey way? Okay. How can I scream when the painty Shades of Grey way? Okay. How can I scream

when the pain is such a release? What? What does that even mean? Nonsense. The pain is such that I refuse to acknowledge it. Okay. Fair enough. I do not deserve to be set free. Is that it? That's my choices?

Those are your three choices. One of those is the Fifty Shades of Grey way. Three. Because all these fuckers are all lying. Dude, I fucking love this. You're dead wrong on all of them. Am I wrong on everyone? You're fucking dead wrong, I think, on all of them.

Let's go through them again real quick. All right, so number one. Number one. Which of the following was a lyric from a Newsboy song? I said the first one. You're wrong. It's I Come Instantly, Fifty Shades of Grey. All right.

Number two. Which use of hand is from Fifty Shades of Grey? I chose one. You were right. I was right? You gentle your hand. You only picked it because the writing is so bad. I did.

Okay. Third one. All right. Third one. You had to pick which one is from Fifty Shades of Grey. There were three lines that were actually from skillet songs you picked. Number one. You were dead wrong.

Stretch Me Bigger is a skillet song. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, the actual line from Fifty Shades of Grey is an empty vessel to be filled at your will. See, now that totally sounds like God is fucking filling your vessels. You know what I mean? That's all up on him. Stretch Me Bigger? Stretch Me Bigger seems, that seems, it seems like he spent a lot of time at the rectory.

You know what I mean? I didn't have a guess for number four because four was just so confusing. The answer is I'm calling out your name. It wasn't even a very good question, so it wasn't even fun. And then the very last one is different people handle pain differently. Which one is from Fifty Shades of Grey? I chose three. You were dead wrong.

I'm so wrong about all the things. The answer is the pain is such that I refuse to acknowledge it, which is meaningless. What does that mean? I don't know. If you mentioned the pain, you simply acknowledged it. I'm just going to play music to get this out of here. So this next story is from the Daily Mail. Private school chief linked to Islam Trojan horse plot says

What does that mean? I don't know. Stone all adulterers to death. And let's read some bullet points because it's the Daily Mail. Sure. Fees at the school where the boys and girls are segregated are 1,800 pounds. I think that's like a million dollars. It's like so much money. I thought it was

18,000 squiggles. I didn't know. It's like a form of currency, right? In Europe, it's like the squigglies. Yeah, no, when you put that fucking L with leprosy in front of stuff, that means it's pounds. Nothing's falling off of that. School chairman claims fornication should be punished with 100 lashes. Fair enough.

And Ibrahim Kuwait runs the controversial... Nailed it! What is that? What's the name of that place? The controversial Worcestershire... Worcestershire. I like that you went... It's a double one there.

Or the A1 school. A1. Delicious. No, that's really British for Boston. Boston. That's right on the harbor there. This guy's a fucking lunatic. This guy is a Muslim hardliner.

Basically says adulterers should be stoned to death. Gays and fornicators should be lashed a hundred times. But he's got a million pounds of taxpayer money, Cecil. And he also said that homosexuals are basically pedophiles. And he said a man can take a second wife if the first fails to sexually satisfy him. And the first thing that comes to mind there is, you know, if you take away arranged weddings, you don't have to have that law. Right. You know what I mean?

Because you chose. But instead it's like, you know, when you, when you do things like, you know, fucking dowry time or trade some girl away when she's 12 or something like that, then clearly, you know, those sorts of laws need to be in place. You know, the homosexuals are pedophiles again, yawn. Yeah. We've heard that before. I know. It's fucking exhausting. It says, we've heard that before. I know. It's fucking exhausting.

I'm going to read another part here. It says, Mr. Hewitt, 57, established a private school in 1998. He runs it with his wife, Adiba, 53. The school practices segregating seating for boys and girls age 7, does not allow music or dance lessons as they are deemed un-Islamic. Female teachers teach with their faces covered with a veil. Did you see the picture? I love the jaunty cap. This fucking woman is covered. She just got out of the shower.

She's covered fucking head to toe in fucking black curtains. Yes. I mean, that's unbelievable. And again, the kids are all covered up too. Right. And then it says this guy, he's an author, and he wrote a book, What Does Islam Say? And the first thing that popped in my head is like, what does Islam say? I know.

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. The letters are going to ensue now. Here we go. Why are you anti-Islamic? I don't know. This stuff isn't good. This is a start. I you anti-Islamic? I don't know. This stuff? Is it good?

This is a start. I mean, like, let's start with that it's not true and then finish with. Yeah. Well, here's a, you know, it says the book argues that men and women are not equal and that men have the right to assume leadership over women, whatever that means. Islam recognizes him quoted. Islam recognizes the leadership of men over women, but it does. Islam recognizes him quoted, Islam recognizes the leadership of men over women, but it does not recognize the domination of one over the other. Yeah. You can be, you can totally be a leadership and an equal partner in no world.

Yeah. I mean, it's like, you know, I could see if it's like, it recognizes that both could be leaders, but instead it's like one is clearly a leading the other. So why is that not? So if you're leading, what am I doing? Following? You're getting cheated on with this mistress right now. That's what you're doing. Yeah, but at least I can't say shit about it. Yeah, yeah.

Well, if you can, you probably can't hear him through that. You just sound like. You know, and it's so funny. It's like. I'm so wrong this whole episode. This whole episode. I'm blaming the fumes. It's the fumes. I swear to you, this is not us normally.

God, we're going to get so much mail over this episode. It's going to be ridiculous. Oh, I can't even wait. Oh, it's going to be the best. I love, too, that you can get an extra wife if she fails to sexually satisfy you. Can she get an extra husband? No. So she's like, yeah, you didn't really hit the spot.

So I'm going to go ahead and... Hey there, needle dick. I'm getting someone new. Oh, man. Bring another leader to me. Leaders everywhere. He just walks in and she just taps him in the balls. Just bam!

Getting a new man, motherfucker. Oh, gosh. Well, it's good that they gave him a million bucks. You know, yeah, that's the other thing too, right? It's like clearly the guy has a crazy agenda. And, you know, I think that there is some problems with this in the U.K. especially. And then, you know, those fucking Muslim patrols that beat up people who have beers in their hands and shit. Yeah, crazy, man.

And then there's other – they're clearly coming to another nation. The thing I don't understand is like if you like Sharia law so much, why not go to a place with Sharia law? Like it just – I mean clearly you want to just – you want to go somewhere else and make everybody have to follow your laws. Or – and like you said before, Tom, these people, they show up and they're in a new community. They, they go to a new land and now they're right back into the same thing they were before. And they would feel ostracized that they didn't join up with this fucking kooky group. Right. Because they're right from your homeland.

That's it. Those are your people. Right. So like they get to take advantage of the, of, of, of the fact that there's this tremendous immigrant population, you know, coming from, from countries all over the world that are Islamic. And so if you're the hardline Islamic nut hut, you're going to get more people than you would normally otherwise get. But what kills me is I look at this and I think this is the result of accommodationism. This is the result of being like, whoa, we're too afraid to stop and say like, you

know, some ideas are good ideas and some ideas are bad ideas. And I think that stems from equating, falsely equating race with religion. Yeah. You know, you can be, you can, you can, I can tell you right now that I think Islam is a set of bad ideas. Sure. That doesn't mean that I don't like people from fucking Egypt. I don't give a shit about people from Egypt as a whole.

Right. I don't care about like, like the Arab race. Like if there's really such a thing, I don't know if that is a thing. I don't even know if that's a thing, but you know what I mean? You know what I'm driving at?

Sure. Islam is not a race, but we're so afraid of being racist. We're so afraid of that. Like, I don't want to be seen as being racist. And that's a legitimately good impulse, right? But if that impulse is misguided when it stops us from criticizing bad ideas. These are bad ideas. These are horrible ideas.

We should criticize these all day and twice on fucking Sunday. Sure, because they vilify one sex. Right. And they make it blamed for all of the ills that sort of happen in a marriage. Do you want to pause and get a beer? No, I don't think so. Okay. Yeah, I know.

I just see it over there. I was just, I was smelling it. You were hoping. You were hoping. There was the ghost of a swallow. Yeah, okay. Fair enough. In any case, the problem here is when we think about, we both read Sam Harris' book, right?

Yes. And I know people fucking are going to be like, well, Sam Harris is a fucking strongman. And they're going to fucking vomit all over. We're going to get email about that, too. But clearly Sam Harris met someone, someone who he said was an intelligent person with a PhD in the States, and talked to them and said, what if in the Quran it said there's a verse that said, and every third born or whatever should lose the eye or something like that. That was somebody on the ethics committee.

Right. And they said, well, if the person over there thought it was okay, it'd be okay to do. You'd be okay to take someone else's eye out of their head because somebody else's belief system thinks it's an okay thing to do. No. And it's not okay to subjugate half of your population. And it's not okay to, you know, like the guy earlier who's like, oh, fucking women should be able to be raped without fucking consent and fucking murdered after they've

fucking been raped, et cetera. That's not okay. That's not okay on anybody's book. It's only okay in your book, right? It's not okay anywhere That's not okay on anybody's book. It's only okay in your book, right? It's not okay anywhere else in the world because it's a bad fucking idea. And it's a fucking hateful idea and it needs to be stamped out of the fucking existence. But the problem is, is that it's latched on to this goofy superstition of fucking, you know, from horse traders years ago. And we've got to somehow keep it. And that's, that's the garbage.

That's what you got to exercise. I'm okay with people who are like, yeah, I just want to love everybody. And I think there's a God. Great. Who fucking cares? Fucking love each other. I'm fucking happy for you. Right. You know, fucking love fest. Let's do it. But if you start being like, I love everybody except for women. And I think that they should be raped at will. Well, now we got a fucking problem. The following is a list of people we should whip. Yeah. I'm done listening. We're done. Yeah. We're done here. Yeah. You know, the liberals, the so-called socialists, the progressives, they've moved away from God. And when you move away from God, then you say, we're humanists. And then as a result of humanity and rejecting God, you have the orgy of the French Revolution.

You have the guillotine cutting off the heads of thousands of people. You have the same thing going on now in Europe. You had it under the Nazis. Why can't we come back to the fact that God loves people? So this story comes from the Huffington Post. Archbishop slings bigotry at atheists. Jesus, shut your fucking mouth.

This fucking guy, Denver Archbishop Samuel Aquila, compared cholera. I think I fucking nailed that one. You did. That was good. Aquila. That's actually Aquila. I'm fucking, you gotta roll the U.

You know, I would play this guy, but he would put our audience to sleep. I should Aquila. Aquila. I'm fucking, you got to roll the U. That's the thing. You know, I would play this guy, but he would put our audience to sleep. He's so boring. You try to play. Cecil was like, hey, I found this story. We should play it. It's got audio. And he's playing it for me before, and we couldn't even listen to it.

We couldn't get, neither one of us could get through without fucking making fun of the guy. Because it's terrible. He's just a fucking, he's like mopey breath. He's just like. He's the fucking Eeyore of archbishops. He's Eeyore. If I see this guy, I'll fucking tie a bow on his tail. Oh my gosh.

It's awesome. So I'm the archbishop of Denver. He's fucking, you know who he is? He's fucking You know who he is He's Hodor Hodor Hodor That's all he's saying Over and over again Hodor

Hodor Hodor Hodor You know it says here Okay in a recent I'm going to read the very first In a recent radio interview Denver Archbishop

Samuel Aquila Compared Colorado's godlessness to Nazi Germany and Stalin's Russia. And, you know, it's very different than a forced famine. It's actually a forced fatty. That's what it is. It's totally different. It's a different thing. It's a different thing. They're just fucking like lighting bongs out there instead of

like, I don't know, murdering everyone. Wait. No, wait. That's better. That's better. Hang on a minute. That's better. Yes, that's better. Yeah, secularism is linked to Nazism. It's always linked to Nazism. It's always linked to Nazism. The thing is that everything is linked to Nazism.

Right. Obama. Look, Obama is a gay secular Nazi. He's a gay secular Nazi white guy. I will say that the gay secular Nazis have the best uniforms. They're fucking awesome. This guy, I mean, he's just fucking yammer jabbering. And it's like impossible to even give a fucking shit what he says. But he says that he prays for the conversion of the heart and minds of those who support such irrational, unscientific, and a denial of conscience legislation.

What? What? I read that and I'm just like, first of all, sentence, please. Yeah. Do more sentencing. I need more of that. But he's talking. The thing is, is he's talking.

He's saying this as he's, it's being dictated, right? So like it's being transcribed. Right, right, right. So the reason why it's all fucking goofy is just if you tried to transcribe our show, it would be a fucking mess. You know what I mean? Like listening to our show is a fucking mess. Well, listen to this guy's a mess too, it turns out.

But like, I love the idea that like what he's bagging on is like the atheist, right? The atheist, the godless, blah, blah, it turns out. But I love the idea that what he's bagging on is the atheists, right? The atheists, the godless, blah, blah, blah. Sure. And he's bagging on them for being irrational and unscientific? What? Pot? Yeah. Here's a nice kettle you'd like to meet.

You might enjoy hanging out, pot and kettle. Well, another thing he talks about, too, this is, you know, this is always, this is through almost every week we have this where people are like, well, you know, 150 years ago, the founding fathers loved themselves some Bibles. And it was, he says, and when you look at buildings that were built 100 years ago, 150

years ago, whether the Supreme Court buildings or other Washington, D.C., they had the Ten Commandments on them. It's like, okay, you know what we didn't know was something 150 years ago? Galaxies. We had no idea there was other fucking galaxies 150 years ago. So, you know, I think we've fucking advanced a little in the past 150 years well enough so we can look at those laws and be like, yeah, you know, only three of them are worth

a shit. Can we just not put them everywhere and pretend that they're a thing? Because, you know, I'm sick of let there be no other fucking god before me. What are we going to put it on fucking license plate fucking holders next? You know what I mean? Or it's going to be like a fucking state fossil or something. You know what I mean? We're either a theocracy or we're not.

Right, exactly. It's no two ways about this shit. And I look at that and'm like 150 years we gotta go back further than that to even get to your precious founding fathers yeah i mean like yeah take their fucking dick out of your mouth for five fucking seconds think about do a math for a minute yeah beyond that but beyond that it's like we we have to stop and always we should always be asking ourselves every fucking day was that a good idea right is it if it's not a good idea it needs to be fucking thrown into the scrap heap of history. Yeah.

If it's a good idea, keep it. If it's a bad idea, chuck it. If it's a good concept and we need to mold or change or evolve with it, well, guess what? Then let's try to do that. Like, let's let the ideas about how to found and govern a nation keep up with our evolving ideas about humanity about race about gender all of these things have changed so dramatically in the last hundred years sure we don't have to go back 150 50 years right i mean it's fucking 2014 we don't have to go back that far to hit the civil rights movement we don't have to go back that far to hit the like women's

live movement. You know, it's embarrassing that we don't have to go back that far. I would like to be able to say we have to go back 200 years to hit those movements, but we don't. Yeah, no, it's totally true. And you know, the other thing too, is I don't have any love for ideas that happen to be here today, except for they they're better than what we had. Right. So in the future, if somebody's like, well, that doesn't seem like it's a good idea. Well, I'm not fucking married to it. I don't give a fuck.

You know what I mean? Like, let's go with the best ideas we have right now. And if the ideas change in the future and things get different and we have to think, okay, well, this is, you know, yeah, that worked in the 90s. Yeah, that worked in the 2000s. Yeah, that worked in the 2010s. But this is 2040

and it's totally different. Fucking God bless you or whatever the fuck. You know what I mean? Go for it. Then let's change the ideas and let's move forward and let's fucking stop pretending that there's some sort of primacy of 50 years ago, of 100 years ago, 200 years ago, that that's something that's better because it's not better. It's just a different fucking time with different fucking consequences. Can you imagine if technology worked that way? If somebody was like, yeah, we should fucking do this thing. And somebody's like, well, that idea is not old enough yet.

Right? Exactly. Wait, what? Like, yeah, I got an idea for a new medicine. It cures AIDS. Yeah, we're going to have to let that one age. You know, we haven't had AIDS around long enough. Let that one age. You know, we haven't had AIDS around long enough.

Pentecostal chaplain John Kaufman came out and said this. Marriage is the combat multiplier that in that it gives married troops hope and a reason to fight well, defending one's country of which marriage and families are the foundation. But homosexuality is a combat divider, dividing one's reason to live while taking breaks on the combat field to change diapers, all because the treacherous sin causes them to lose control of their bowels. So this next story comes from Right Wing Watch. Glenn Grothman, never heard of him before.

Grothman. You got a Grothman on your neck. Oh, yeah,man. You got a growthman on your neck. Oh, yeah, man. That's a growth. Yeah, man. You know, it's funny because it's like, you know, back in the day, people's last names, like their surnames came from their job or something particularly unique about them. Like the growth man's like, ooh. What is it? Is that benign? Doesn't look good.

Does not look good. We better run a biopsy on that that's growth man shit says John Kerry he upset God by condemning Uganda's anti-gay crackdown so God cried big fucking weepy tears that's why it rained recently

because of John Kerry it's interesting to note that God is very interested in John Kerry's fucking personal goddamn opinions. I'm so mad. I can't believe he snubbed me. Let's listen to this douchebag. I thought we were friends, John Kerry. We went back a long way.

All right, here we go. So this is fucking Ugandan talk from this guy about stuff. How do you see your role as a congressman to preserve marriages between a man and a woman? Well, I think people have to be more outspoken when the issue comes up. And I think right now we have another issue where we're quite frankly losing the issue because Republicans and conservatives and quite frankly too many church leaders are heading to the hills. But I think you have to look at what's become of our country. You know, about, I don't know, it was a week ago, two weeks ago now,

John Kerry was in Africa. Now usually I associate the United States with being a positive influence on Africa. Africa hasn't progressed as far as the United States. You associate the United States with sending missionaries to Africa, volunteers to Africa to teach people better ways

to deal with agriculture, what have you. Instead, what we have is we have the Secretary of State going to Africa and educating Ugandans or saying he's going to send an American scientist to Uganda to explain how normal homosexuality is. I mean, think about that. What must God think of our country? You know, we had such a great country in the relatively recent past.

Now America is supposed to be the light of the world. Instead we're the light going the opposite direction. We're the light going the opposite direction, Tom. Yeah, we're the fucking traveling lights. That's it. We're lights going in. The light is like, whoa, whoa, I'm going left. Are you headed right?

No. Okay, yeah, fuck. I'm going left. Are you headed right? No. Okay, yeah, fuck. I'm going. Look, sometimes light goes one way. It goes to the opposite direction. America's a light going in a direction. America. America.

America. America. God, I fucking listen to this guy, and it's just like, why are you? Who is interviewing you? You have nothing to say. You are not a light going in the right direction. You know, I can't believe. I really, I truly can't believe that one of our politicians is, you know, and it doesn't matter who it is. I couldn't imagine even like Michelle Bachman saying, how dare they be over in Uganda, as he says.

Uganda. I like that. That's nice. You do a good job with that. One would suspect you have been around the right side of a farm animal at some point. But, you know, I can't imagine a single one of our politicians doing that, right? Like, you would think you'd be like, that there's got to be like some aid that jumps out of the woodwork. Like, no, like dive in front of the microphone and like save him from his own stupidity. But no one, I can't imagine anyone right now being like, yeah, you know, what they're doing in Uganda is just horrible.

And then this guy had something to say. Well, you know, it is funny because I think about this and I do think like the fucking minders, the handlers of these people, they have to run through them like fucking butter. Yeah. Like just like you get a fucking intern like, what did I sign up for? I got to go. I'm fucking out of here. I mean, really, like you're upset that John Kerry, did you think John Kerry was going to do something else? Oh my gosh.

Did you really? Did you, did you have, was there ever a point where you're like, oh, I kind of thought John Kerry was going to. John Kerry, you know, we disagree on climate change and on equal rights for equal pay and every, and we also disagree on taxes and, you know, but I thought he and I were sort of close when it came to the Uganda thing. I guess what I'm saying is we disagree fundamentally on the role of government, God, the self, liberty, and the individual. Pretty much all of the things. But I did think we had Uganda. Or Uganda in common.

I guess we really... It's like a romantic comedy. It's like, Carrie, didn't we have Uganda? Didn't we have Uganda, Carrie? We'll always have Uganda. Nobody's ever said that. Nobody's been like... It's like Casablanca.

It's like, meet me and you... What? No. Don't go there. Just don't go there. Abortions for all. Very well. No abortions for anyone.

Abortions for some. Miniature American flags for others. Fuck. I love right-wing watch. This show would collapse without right-wing watch. It would. It would. And I would play this audio for you.

It's not just boring. It's also high-pitched whiny for some reason. What did they capture? They captured this here like an Edison wax reel. Go ahead and talk. Hey, so I'm talking now. This is actually higher quality. That was actually higher quality. I know. It's ridiculous. From Right Wing Watch, Bob Marshall reiterates

the claim that disabled children represents God's vengeance for the unborn. But he doesn't say so much it's God's vengeance, it's nature's vengeance. Right, nature's vengeance. Nature has a way of getting. That actually sounds like a type of cleanser, doesn't it? Nature's Vengeance? It's like the opposite of Summer's Eve. It's the douche with the most, right? Extra strength Summer's Eve. Nature's Vengeance. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. That's horrible.

It's douche with battery acid. Oh, gosh. You know what? It's a soap with live sharks in it. It's like flesh-eating amoeba in there. It's like that pumice soap with Myrtha. You put it in and half your body's gone.

It's a fork made out of lightsabers. Oh, man. You know, this guy, he's got this chopsticks made of bazookas. Sorry, I can't stop yourself. It's the fumes. The fumes. You know, you look at the picture of this video, though, Tom, and we were talking earlier about how the aides would jump out in front of him. This guy's surrounded by his aides, right?

He's surrounded by all these people that are just like, yep, we agree with what you have to say. And he essentially says, like, God wants the firstborn. And if you take the firstborn away from him through abortion, then he punishes you. And now he doesn't say God. He says nature, right? But he's clearly fucking pointing at, like, nature. You have something really horrible to say because your hand's over your face. He's not the firstborn if you abort.

It's the first board of you aborted? It's the first board. These are the best fumes ever. Oh, no. Oh, no. I have come for your first board. What? I have come for your first board. I've ruined the show. Oh, God, this show is fucking ruined from the start.

Take the fucking soundproofing down. Oh, good Lord. Cancel the program. Cancel everything. Delete the back catalog. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers.

I want the truth. You can't handle the truth! This story comes from the Raw story. Pat Robertson. Jesus said an asteroid could destroy Earth next week. An asteroid. You better get that checked out, Pat. Jesus couldn't spell asteroid. Are you kidding me?

He loved that game with the little wedge that you shoot. I'm going to play the theme music for that this week and piss a bunch of people off. Jesus also loved Galaga, so it turns out spaceships. I don't know. Huge fan. Yeah. Pat Robertson said an asteroid.

Jesus said an asteroid could destroy Earth this week. We're going to play Pat Robertson. Here's Pat's first little rant. Now, this is a minute, 55 seconds long, courtesy of Right Wing Watch and the 700 Club. I wrote a book. I wrote a book. Who would have thought? It's called The End of the Age, and it deals with an asteroid hitting the earth, I don't see anything else that fulfills the prophetic words of Jesus Christ

other than an asteroid strike. There isn't anything that will cause the seas to roil, that will cause the skies to darken, the moon and the sun not to give their light. The nation is terrified of what's happening. There isn't anything that's going to do that. Except for a magic god. My asteroid was one kilometer. It was six-tenths of a mile.

Or the devil farting. That could also happen. This guy's got asteroids that are a kilometer wide. He should see his time. He should see some of that. That's just a big old hunk of space rock. It isn't anything sophisticated. Don't eat so much spicy food, God.

It's just a great big hunk of rock better go get it in space surrounding our surroundings jupiter that pulls a lot of that stuff in that's bigger than than we are so it right it has a gravitational pull a little bit he's right jupiter is bigger than us jupiter is not much bigger than me. He's right. Jupiter is not much bigger than me. Actually, I've eaten. It depends on what I had for dinner. Read what Jesus said. Get your Bible and read what Jesus said.

Get your fucking Bible, you lazy slacking bitches. There'll be nobody living on the face of the earth. That's what it says. We'll all be living underground like Morlocks. So, hey, just get ready. I'm ready. What are you supposed to get ready for if you're being annihilated? What are you supposed to get ready?

Oh, I'm ready to be annihilated. Don't forget your lunch box. What are you packed to that event? Oh, I brought my annihilation bag. Your annihilation kit. Yeah, that's it. Are you ready to be annihilated by an asteroid? I am not.

Clearly not ready to be annihilated. It's like that fucking super volcano underneath Yellowstone. Right, sure. It's like, what would happen if that blew up? We'd all fucking die. A lot of people dead, turns out. I have nothing to worry about. What happens?

Well, then my credit rating doesn't matter. It's like doomsday preppers, right? You're just like, well, you got a bunch of food. You get to live six months longer than everyone else. Yeah. In misery. Yeah. Great.

That's great. Hoping it'll clear up in six months. Right. Well done. Well done. Yeah. I love Doom. I'm just going to go off on a tangent.

I fucking love that show because the best part of that show is the beginning where they're all telling you you what crazy apocalypse they're worried about living through. And they're all like, I love the ones that are like, I'm worried about a nuclear war. I'm like, I'm not because if that happens, I want to get hit in the head with a missile. Hit me in the face with that

fucking thing. I will hold up my son to be punched in the face with an ICBM. Chances are, middle of fucking downtown Chicago is a good chance for a missile. I'm dead. I am so fucking dead. And then I will point out, this show is over at that point. Yeah, drop zone.

I'm going to get drop zoned. That's fine, though. You know what I mean? I certainly wouldn't want to live through one of those horrible, like, you know, because there's stuff that's even worse than just an international fucking missile, right? Sure, right. I mean, there's, you know, the – like we were talking about the volcano. That shit goes off. Fucking shit could be over for everybody.

It's like asking yourself, like, do you want to be a character from The Road? No. Like, no, I would like to not be any of the – The thing is, is I'm only going to last a week anyway, and then they're just going to tan most of my body and use it as a fucking tent. You know what I mean? Like, I am raw materials for the apocalypse. That's what I am.

I am a walking, movable feast. Fuck cattle. They're going to be like, man, that motherfucker, we are going to use him and abuse him. They see you, they're like, let the herd go. Yeah. We've hit it rich. Exactly, right? Tallow.

Tallow for all of us. You mean we could just keep them living and cut that right off of them? No worries. He won't even notice. What do we say about Pat Robertson? You know, the thing is, what is he saying? He's saying God's going to send a fucking giant fucking asteroid down here. Why does he need to?

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, isn't he going to have like a fucking weird, like many headed thing with less horns come out of the sea anyway? I think they have the right horns, but wrong crowns. Don't they? I don't remember. It was horns.

It was uneven horns. Yeah. Even horns on that. No, they have more horns than heads, but not enough for two, but more than one. I remember. Yeah. So it's like not enough for two. So they just have like some jealous heads.

Yeah. Some are unicorn heads and some are two heads. Actually, I'd like to think that one had all the horns. Like just one had all the horns and the rest of them are like have horn envy. They're just kind of looking like, why'd that get all the horns? And I'm always reminded whenever they talk about that thing in Revelations, I'm reminded of there's an old Godzilla movie where he fights a three-headed monster called gedra and it's like i don't you probably never watched any godzilla but i loved it when i was a kid i fucking ate it up but it's a three-headed monster at one point he kills one of the heads it's just limply hanging

he's fighting this guy in a big suit and there's one so before we do the email segment, we want to thank all of our new patrons. Eric, Matt, Nathan, Miranda, Carl, Ian, Phillip, Cohen, Max, Adam, Jennifer, Scott, and that would be all of our patrons, which is a fucking shit ton of patrons, Cecil. Yeah, 138 of you. Thank you all so much for donating to the show. You guys are the reason we're sitting in this, I think, very well done, as much shit as we're giving ourselves about how goofy it is. It's a very well done sound room. And it's all thanks to our patrons.

We used all the money that we got last month. Now this month's money, Tom, is going to go directly to a charity of the patron's choice. So if you're a patron, you still have, at this point, a few more days of the month left to become a patron and get your vote in. Right now, Doctors Without Borders is in the lead. I wouldn't be sad to donate. I would not at all either be sad. But Doctors Without Borders is in the lead with 19 votes,

17 for Foundation Beyond Belief. So your vote counts. This is one of those times, you know, the rest of the charities right now, Oxfam.org, Atheist.org, Freedom From Religion Foundation, and Water.org are all pretty far behind. Freedom From Religion Foundation has 11 votes, but your vote really counts here. So if you'd like to see Foundation Beyond Belief, or if you'd like to see Doctors Without Borders, those are the two charities that are in the lead right now. If you become a patron right now, you have an opportunity to not only send your money that is going to be donated this month to that charity, but you also get an opportunity to choose which charity gets it. So we want to thank everybody who has donated this month. And we're looking forward to writing

that check out to whoever is going to be the winner of that money. It's going to be deeply gratifying. As much joking around as we do, we are deeply grateful to be able to do this. And we're only able to do this because our patrons have been so incredibly generous with us. So truly, thank you for your generosity. We got an interesting email from Scott. And Scott had said that he had bought a shirt,

and he also has a suggestion on how we could maybe help some veterans, Tom. He says, the hard work and sacrifice that Cecil puts into your show, which Tom simply shows up for, are admirable. You're helping many skeptics and free thinkers with an outlet for entertainment and thought-provoking topics, but your dedication is nothing. It's nothing. Compared to the sacrifices our military veterans. I agree. My sacrifice is quite literally nothing compared to most anything.

Sure, yeah. I mean, you could be like fucking the guy who made the donuts at Dunkin' Donuts. Like, your sacrifice is clearly way less. And their families have made in service to our country. Now they need our help. Veteran unemployment is high, and many military spouses are underemployed as well. Would you help share the word about our Indiegogo campaign to help 2,000 veterans get to work? We will, in fact.

So here's the link, Cecil. I'm going to put the link on our page. Yeah, on this episode, episode 148. So if you're interested in donating to help getting veterans back to work, we're going to put that link directly on our website this time. Good luck, Scott. I hope you reach your goal. It's halfway there right now. Well, I have a friend named David, and David has an interesting story, Tom. He does. He says, a couple of days ago, I was using one of the gay chat apps that are common and started talking to a new guy. During the initial getting to know you type stuff, I asked him about his hobbies.

And after a little prodding, he said he ran an atheist. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I may have paused unnecessarily at that word. Yeah, sure. He said he ran an atheist science enthusiast meetup, expecting me to be off put by his heathen godlessness. When I responded, really cool. Do you listen to cognitive dissonance? his heathen godlessness. When I responded, really cool. Do you listen to Cognitive Dissonance?

And he said, no. His surprise was palpable. I'm, I'm, it's palpable. My surprise is fucking palpable too. Absolutely. I don't listen to this show. It was even better when I mentioned I've been friends with Cecil for years.

You have friends? No. I don't even know who this person is. No, Dave. Good luck. Thank you for mentioning it. We appreciate it. Hopefully, you know, a little something from Cognitive Distance. We had a guy call in

and say he had a root. I think that's what he called it. A root for the night when we had a call in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was an Australian guy. A foreign dude. He called in. So, you, yeah, yeah. It was an Australian guy. A foreign dude. He called in. So, you know, hey, maybe it's helping people out. Good for you guys.

I'm very happy. Cognitive distance. Getting the gays laid since last week. Since last week. Somebody had posted on our Twitter account, and they had said something like, you know, all you guys talk about gays is never going to get you any pussy. Truth hurts. And I was like, I don't need to talk about gays to have sex with my wife.

Yeah. That's a weird thing to say. I've been married for a very long time. And it turns out when I want to have sex, I just have sex with my wife. I'm like, Hey hon, do you want to have sex? And she's like, yes, I also enjoy the sex. And then we have sex. I actually, I actually always preamble my foreplay with talking about gay sex. Honey, does this get you hot? Man, the gay should be equal. I'll be like, no, what I do is I just bake a cake for random gay weddings.

I'm just like, oh, yeah, I'm mixing that batter, baby. Rainbow sprinkles! Rainbow sprinkles! Oh, yeah, we're putting four eggs in this motherfucker. That's right. He just delivered it like, that looks awful. Why did you bring that? Sir, you ate most of this cake.

We didn't want a piece of cake. Sir, you're eating the cake right now. What? And it's in a milkshake. So we got a message. This is from a couple of guys. One of them has the name of Bob the Flying Spaghetti Monster Vest. And he's a fighter.

And we got a chance to see a video of Bob the Flying Spaghetti Monster vest his opponent and it's actually kind of a fun fight. We got a chance to watch it. Tom and I were screaming. We were watching. We're like,

get back control. He's got back control. Put him in the body triangle. We're like the discount Joe Rogan warehouse over here. That's exactly what we're... We're actually more like

the discount the other one. What's the other one? It's Goldberg. That's exactly what we're actually more like to discount the other one. It's Goldberg. That's awesome. Discount the other one. Anyway, so we're going to put a video. We're going to put this video on our website. So if you're interested in seeing Bob the Flying Spaghetti Monster vest his opponent, the fight starts at 412.

And I'm actually going to try to link to it so it goes directly to that point. Don't be offended that I did that. People can obviously go back and see the walkout video. I'm offended, Cecil. You know, I'm just going to put it directly to the thing. You're doing the chop thing. I am doing the choppy thing right now. He does that to me all the whole show.

He's just like, I walk in the room, he's like, chop, chop, chop. I'm going to cut this out to choppy chop. Well, is that it, Tom? We have fucked this up badly enough. This is going to be the show that generates the most email that we've ever done, I think. This is going to be a show that sounds the best because this room is fucking better. It sounds great, yeah. It's fucking amazing.

It sounds really good. But has the absolute worst content. Oh, my God. People are going to be so mad. It's quite bad. It's going to be horrible. Well, we'll leave you with that, with skeptics creed until next time. And, uh, and hopefully you'll come back. shit. Couched in scientician double bubble toil

and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing, water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox

reflex, foot massage, death and towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, Crystal balls. Bigfoot. Yeti. Aliens. Churches. Mosques and synagogues.

Temples. Dragons. Giant worms. Atlantis. Dolphins. Truthers. Birthers. Witches.

Wizards. Vaccine nuts. Shaman healers. Evangelists. Conspiracy. Double speak stigmata. Nonsense. Expose your sides.

Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. We'll see you next time.