Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 167: Jesus Take the Wheel

Episode Date: July 30, 2014

Do you want to get cognitive dissonance streamed to your iPhone or Blackberry? If so, download Stitcher free today at Stitcher.com. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording from glory hole studios in chicago this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome at this episode 167.

And as a guest, we have Cecil in my house! Yay! I'm in studio! You know, if there ever was a room to smoke a fucking join in, this is the room to smoke a join in. I don't smoke, but I tell you what, I would almost take it up just to smoke a join in this room. Can you imagine, though, like, this room

would eat the smell? Oh, I know. Like, if you smoked one fucking join in this room with all this acoustic, it would smell forever. Like, the DEA would basically be like, look, sir, you're going to have to buy a new house. All of our dogs are alerting to your house all the time. It smelled like a spilled bong. That's what it smells like. I mean, you'd be indistinguishable from a-

Oh, God. Because this foam would fucking absorb odors. I know, man. It already absorbed your odors. I'll tell you what. I look around at this foam and I think, man, you got a short half of that foam. Because I'll tell you this much, it's made of fucking plastic and plastic melts. Yeah, no kidding, right?

You're going to come in here one day, normally it's all bubbled out. You're just going to come in and the bubbles and give me sagging down like turn downward that's awesome so i want to talk about a rating we got tom before we jump into the okay let's do it we get ratings where would somebody rate us on itunes on itunes you know what vacation to get some poor ratings which i'm not gonna talk about i mean but i will say dorian in detroit if you don't like my fucking laugh, go somewhere else, you jerk. But it's not like that feature's going to change, right?

It's not like, I'm going to complain about their laugh. Maybe they'll replace the only guy who does the work, right? Well, maybe you can replace the laughing. Yeah, no, I don't think so. It turns out- Well, the problem is I'd have to be less hilarious, and that's not going to happen. In any case, we've got a – Jimi Hendrix rules left us a message, an iTunes review, which I want to read. Two charming hosts spend time debunking alternative medicine and religious facades,

mercilessly criticizing Middle Eastern atrocities, shamelessly promoting themselves, laughing uncontrollably, and deconstructing the Burger King bureaucracy. Also, they say they are fat but i stalk their web page and i can confirm that they possess unmatched rugged good looks and i you know here's what i want to contend on that i don't think he's telling the truth because actually i don't fit a single page weight limit on facebook they have i have to have multiple pages because I go over, I just spill over onto other pages. Right. I like that rugged must clearly be a euphemism for horrifying.

It's sort of like when you fuck up when you're cooking and you're like, oh, I decided to plate this rustic, meaning I dumped it on the fucking plate. Like I basically vomited on the plate. Oh, it's a rustic presentation. That's awesome. No, you ran out of time and dumped it on there with a spoon. Yeah, exactly. Right. You know, like them saying rugged good looks is like they look like Nosferatu.

We're basically not decomposing. Like rugged good looks. And like rugged is a nice way to describe something that's falling apart. Like if you were like selling like an old beat up car. Right., if you were, like, selling, like, an old, beat-up car, right? You'd be like, oh, no, like a truck, right? Like, you're selling, like, a 95 Ford F-150 that's been in 17 accidents and

is covered in raccoon skins. You'd be like, yeah, it's fucking, it's fucking rugged, dude. It's well-loved. It's lived in. Like, rugged good looks to me means I have a hatchet wound on my face it's like describing a house as cozy right it's like cozy i feel like if you read it if you're like looking at the mls and it's like well we've got a cozy little bungalow read here 12 square

feet might as well be on fire handyman but we're at we're at 944 so if you if you haven't rated us on itunes wouldn't it be cool to get to a thousand by the end of august it would be awesome tomorrow yeah no if you haven't rated us on itunes and you've been listening please we encourage you to give us a good rating on itunes if you think that you don't like the show though or you don't like aspects of the show and you want to, like, fucking give us demerits for that, then avoid rating us. Maybe go listen to something else. I don't know why you would even listen if you don't like the show. I've never understood that part of the system.

It's like, yeah, this free thing, I hate it. Like, okay, it'd be like going to the carnival and somebody's like, free funnel cake. And you're like, oh, I'll try that. And then they hand the piece of funnel cake and you're like, I fucking hate funnel cake. And you throw it on the ground and piss on it. Slap him in the face with the funnel cake. Right. It's like, wait a minute.

That was free. You didn't pay for that funnel cake. Now I want funnel cake. I know. Well, Tom, you always want funnel cake. Funnel cake is clearly the worst thing in the world for you. It's like deep fried sugar. Like that's all it is.

You haven't said anything. And I don't like. You're like you're saying. So you start off with deep fried as if as if we're going to start heading in a direction which I will oppose. Right. And then you finish it with fucking sugar. What are you kidding me. It's true.

I would eat a deep fried baby. I'm just saying. I feel so bad for Satan. The best part is the fingers because they come up. You suck the... That's why they call them lady fingers. Drop them right in. They're so crunchy.

Delicious. It's just fucking horrible. I'll take a wing. What a horrible thing to say. Give me a wing. Give me a wing. Save me a wing. E-T-phone. E-T-phone home.

E-T-phone home. E-T-phone home. E.T. phone home. All right, well, this story comes from the Huffington Post. Creationist Ken Ham says aliens will go to hell, so let's stop looking for them. Creationist Ken Ham, this is the answers in Genesis guy. Like, this is the guy that, you know, he debated Bill Nye the science guy. He's kind of all over the place.

Isn't he the guy, too, behind the Creation Museum? Yeah, he's the guy. Yeah. So he's fucking clearly insane. And anyway, he basically came out the other day and he does not believe in aliens. He's been reasonably vocal, but then he was willing to speculate, Cecil, about the eternal souls

of aliens. Yeah, well, he said they're all going to hell. Take that, aliens. this guy's a fucking downer dude this is the same guy who watches all dogs go to heaven is like nope not gonna happen like he sees he sees god is like santa checking motherfuckers off his list just be like nope right nope right i love i just love it when people look at a fucking, like some stories in the Bible are like 3000 plus years old. Right? So some stories are really old. Other stories are less old, whatever. The youngest stories in the Bible are probably something like 18 or 1900 years old. So something like that.

You're looking at an old text. Sure, it's ancient. Yeah, ancient. And you're looking at it and being like, well, in this fucking old book where nobody knew anything, they're saying there's no aliens. I know. Therefore, there shouldn't be any aliens up there. Like, really, I can't believe someone would look at that book and think this is going to tell us whether or not aliens actually exist. Not, you know, pointing a fucking telescope at a distant solar system to see if there's some sort of, you know, movement or

whatever else. I don't know exactly what they're looking for, but I know NASA has something up there that I just read an article about it. They're focusing some sort of thing to look out into the universe at planets like our own to see if there is some sort of life on those planets. I don't know exactly how it works. I don't really know the specifics of it. Because we don't work for fucking NASA. And I'm not smart enough to understand if somebody explained it. Look, I can spell NASA with help. Somebody in behind you holding up the letters one at a time.

Like if there was Wheel of Fortune and it was N blank, S blank, and I had to buy a vowel and they only limited me to A and E. You'd get an E. And the clue was space. I might get it, but it's still a coin toss. Nisi. Yeah. It's Nisi. I'm going to buy an R. Like, sir, that's not still a coin toss. Niecy. Yeah, right.

It's Niecy. I'm going to buy an R. Like, sir, that's not even a vowel. That's not. You can't buy that. You can't buy an R. I'd like to solve the puzzle. Yeah, so craggy face, rugged good looks, Ken Ham here.

Now, see, so that's a low blow. When a man has been clearly afflicted with smallpox, you can't attack him like that. Jesus. You know, he's the only person who I would be afraid if I was shaving. You know what I mean? Like, because you. How does he shave? I don't know.

Like legitimately. Like I would use a laser. Like I would be very afraid. You can't use lasers. They're not in the Bible. You have to use like a triceratops. He smacks himself in the face with a book. You have to know it's like the Flintstones because he's got a medieval, like a primeval

worldview. He has to use animals for his assistance. So he gets like a hedgehog or something and he rubs it on his face. He's got a fever that just scrapes his face off. That's why he looks like that. That's exactly it. He actually was perfectly fine before. It's like that Mason Verger guy from Hannibal or whatever

where he shaves his face off with glass. Oh, yeah, that dude. Oh, shit. Say it's that guy. Fucked up. That was fucked up, man. That's that guy. So there we go.

Oh, we got a clip of Ken Ham. Do you want to hear it, Tom? No, play it anyway. I got a clip of him. Terrible. I'm Ken Ham, president and CEO of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum, and we're here in beautiful sunny California for our Answers in Genesis mega conference being held at Calvary Chapel, Costa Mesa.

And I'm here with Dr. Danny Faulkner. And right now we're looking for aliens. Danny, have you found any? Not yet. Not yet? Listen, I was told today that because I didn't believe in aliens, when there's headlines in newspapers and blogs and even our local television station said, I believe aliens are going to hell or something, just because I said I don't believe

in aliens. On the basis of understanding the gospel and the fact that Jesus came to this earth to die on a cross, be raised from the dead, I said, you know, there's no aliens in outer space and I don't believe they'll find aliens, you know. Now I'm accused of wanting to defund NASA because I said they're wasting millions of dollars looking for aliens because they said they'll find them within 20 years. Tell me, have you found any aliens? No, I haven't. We should encourage NASA to do this, though,

because we predict that there won't be any aliens. Exactly. And the evolutions predict there must be aliens. There must be aliens. So they're doing a good science experiment that we actually support. Exactly. NASA, get out there and look for aliens so you can prove that we're right

prove that we're right because you don't find them how does that work well it like to catalog all that was wrong with that would take the whole shit it really would really would so it's like first of all if you were like there's never going to be a day where you're like well looked at all the planets. That's done. You're just dusting your hands off. And you're like, honey, give me a beer. You know what I did today?

What did you do at work? You know what? Fuck you. Here's what I did at work today. Yeah, right. Like, oh, yeah. How was your day? Oh, it was great.

Got up a little early. Worked out. Cleaned the grill. Checked all of the planets. Grill? Cleaned all of them. Fuck you. You didn't clean the grill in a day.

Who are you fucking crapping? You didn't clean that in one day. Wait, and somebody's like, okay, 46 billion, 300, like somebody's like counting through them. I know. So there's never going to be a point where you're like, oh yeah, we checked all the planets. And not just that, but like, are they zooming into like one square fucking inch of the ground? We're not even sure yet about Mars.

Yeah, right. Right? Like, at this point, like, there's still reasonable, there's actually, I was just reading the other day that there is, we are coming closer and closer to reasonably definitive evidence that life once existed, does not now, but once existed on Mars. Yeah. That's a planet where we have landed a car, basically. Like, we've got a fucking Pinto on Mars at this point. And it's got a busted track, too.

It's like all fucking ghetto. Somebody fucking tag the side of it. It's from Detroit. It's like,. It's like... It's got like fucking bumper stickers and shit on it. Like one other rover is a Cadillac or something. One of the door handles is hanging off the side. The antenna's broken.

You call the Victory Auto Wreckers? They show up and fucking tread falls off the side. Like little Martian auto wreckers. I hope they make that sound. Oh, it's fucking great. But like that's a planet where we actually, like it's next door. I know. You know, it's basically, it's like within the realm of possibility that you could shoot a person.

Right. Yeah, yeah. And we are still not definitive about whether there's a yay or a nay. Right. So the idea that science is going to prove a negative, first of all, is not a thing science does. Science can't prove negatives. And then he says the best line in the whole thing is like, this is actually science we support?

He says, like, this is actually science we support. It's like, actually, if what you believe is the truth, wouldn't all science be science that you support? When you are stopping the support of science, you're like, whoa, wait a minute. That's some science I don't support. Yeah. Like at that point, you have to be like, well, that's because you're a fucking liar. Chucking that one out there. Just saying you're a big fucking fat liar.

Liar, liar, pants on fire. I love that if you find, if you don't find it in the place where they look, right? If they just look, they look out into the fucking distance and they don't see it. That immediately fucking is like, well, that's a point for our side. What does that do for God? Like, how does that be like? Like, if they look out and they see a big fucking dude in a big throne, fucking smoking a fucking cigar and he's got a bunch of angels around him,

then maybe that does something for your side. But if they look out and they don't find anything, like, suddenly you're like, well, fucking point for our side. Well, you're just stealing points! Right. You're just fucking taking points you don't deserve! It's like, we're alone in the universe, which is what the Bible would have predicted. It's like, okay. Yeah. And then what?

I know. And then it's like, well, and then what? So the Bible didn't predict any other, like the Bible didn't predict anything that happened on earth. Yeah. And all of a sudden I'm supposed to be impressed when it fails to predict the absence of evidence in a burgeoning field, which is the search. It's not like the search for extraterrestrial life

is, you know, 200 years in the making and we've been banging this one out. Or you know 200 years in the making and we've been banging this one out or 2 000 years in the making exactly you know instead it's like a brand new search for you know life across the across the the universe uh the technology is young the technology is immature i mean it's advanced for us sure but we have to recognize that you know across the the spectrum of possible technologies one has to say that this is a burgeoning field. Right, right. You know, it's maybe 30, 40 years old at the very, very, very most.

Radio telescopes, one of those things that started when that shit came in. But all of a sudden we're looking at it like, well, we didn't find it Wednesday. God. The other thing, too, when you think about the Bible, and this is the last thing I want to say about it, but when you think about the Bible saying there's nothing else out there and you're thinking like when you think about this how fucking small our planet is in comparison to the fucking grand scheme of things you look at how big the universe is there's you know our our our own galaxy is something like a hundred thousand light years across okay that's just a galaxy right and that's

just a fucking drop in the bucket compared to the rest of the universe. And on a bucket, hell, a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of the universe. Hell, a drop in the fucking universe compared to the universe. It's irrelevant. It's irrelevant. It doesn't matter. It's this immense space out there and in one galaxy, it's

100,000 light years across and a light year is something that your human brain can barely fucking comprehend. And you think, okay, well, we're the only ones out there that's your you know you're you're willing to fucking be like and this is this is what's the scary part is this is the reason why this is scary is like he would if if he if he had the choice now he's saying fund it right now but he would if he had the choice be like why pay for that we know we have the answers we have the answers in genesis that say this is the thing he's the choice, be like, why pay for that? We know. Of course he would. We have the answers. We have the answers in Genesis that say this is the thing. He's the CEO of that particular thing.

Yeah, and it's like we're not even like an eighth of the way through looking at the planets. I know. Right? I know. There's eight planets. Actually, it's even worse than that. There's eight planets. One of them is ours, so that answer's made.

There's seven left to look at. No, there's still so much of our planet that we've, like, the deep ocean is something that we just haven't even really explored in any really meaningful way. But if the only thing we're asking is, is there life? Okay, fair enough. So the only question, if we only ask one question, is there life?

Yeah. And we've narrowed it down from untold billions to seven. Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar. down from untold billions to seven. This story comes from Al Jazeera. America, not Al Jazeera, but Al Jazeera. Islamic State takes up stoning in Syria. Activists say the Al Qaeda breakaway group stoned a woman to death for adultery in an incident shrouded in mystery. What's the mystery? That's the thing.

What's the mystery? They stoned someone to death for adultery. You know, that's the funny thing. It's like the details may be unclear, That's the mystery. They stoned someone to death for adultery. You know, that's the funny thing. It's like the details may be unclear, but you still threw rocks at somebody until they died. I'm glad that in a war-torn country, a country that, you know, is in the middle of just this absolute civil war that's just killing thousands of people a week, that they've been able to reintroduce some sort of normalcy back into their life, you know, and that they've been able to just sort of enjoy the simple things. Oh, my God.

I think, you know, no matter what, no matter what, when you're, especially when you're in a situation like they are in that country, you want to just take a moment and just enjoy the simple things, like a good strong cup of coffee. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. Maybe sharing things, like a good strong cup of coffee. Right. Right. Yeah. Maybe sharing a joke with a friend. There you go.

Stoning an adulterer. Okay. I'm right there. All I'm saying is YOLO. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. This is, well, except for, well, yeah, I mean, clearly her too, YOLO. Yeah.

Yeah. You only live then, actually. You only live then because you're fucking super dead. This is basically like the Syrian equivalent to like fishing in a canoe on a beautiful lake. Right? It's just like it's like a wistful look. Right. It's like on Golden Pond.

Except for the end of our Golden Pond, you throw a rock at a bitch. Except for that at the end of our Golden Bond, you throw a rock at a bitch. You know what's the fucking idiot? It was like some old curmudgeon-y dude who's like a Sharia court judge who's just like, man, in my day we used to stone women. And he's like, we brought a woman just for you to stone. And he's like, oh, I could die happy now. I know, right?

Like Walter Matthau plays the part. Like it's just, it's actually Walter Matthau and Morgan Freeman are like, they're like sitting on the dock of the bay, like lamenting, like, well, you know, and he's got like a fucking awesome voiceover. It's just fucking slick-ass voiceover across the board. It's bucket of rocks list. It's just, it's like, I've got a bucket list, but my bucket is full of heads, actually. Maybe what they're doing over there is like that new social media craze, Throw Rock Thursday. Throw Rock Thursday.

Throw Rock Thursday. Conk. Conk. Conk. Conk. Oh, man. That's fucking ridiculous. I'll tell you.

You know, the only the only thing surprising about this is that it took so long. I know. You know, like when you've got a group as unbelievably brutal as ISIS marching its way across Iraq and Syria and calling a caliphate basically declaring an Islamic state, you have to just pause and be like, well, when

did the stoning start? Do they start Thursday? Fuck, when do they stop now? You know what I mean? Don't stop till you drop. They don't stop. They stop when you drop. Don't stop till you drop, baby. They stop when you run out of rocks. Remind me again how a Sharia court isn't

barbaric. Remind me again how calling a Sharia court barbaric is racist, too. Tell me again how that works. Because it's like, oh, they fucking stoned somebody. They fucking put them in the ground, motel hell style. Right.

And fucking chucked rocks at them until they died. What's the secular equivalent to this? Like, is there a secular equivalent? No, there is no secular. You know, it's funny because I was listening to a story on NPR just the other day, and they were talking about a recent execution. And let me just be 100% clear that I strongly disagree with the death penalty. But they were talking about a recent execution which took place. And there was a tremendous controversy about that execution because, you know, it was like

the inmate. Wait, there was controversy about an execution? I know, right? Who would have thought? Fucking A. There's no controversy about this one over there. Clearly none. Clearly none.

But, you know, like the inmate was gasping for breath and like they had to get like on a call and was this an injection yeah there's no lethal injection like and because there's there's a lot of controversy about the drugs that are being used for the cocktail and all this sort of shit and it's like well wait a minute wait a minute that is a secular execution right and there is at the very least lip service paid to the idea of suffering. Suffering. Yep. Right. Suffering is a legitimate cause for controversy. How can you possibly say that this is even remotely equivalent? First of all, the crime is a non-crime, right?

It's a crime that is as victimless as possible. It's adultery. It's fucking nobody's business. How is adultery the state's business? How in the world could adultery possibly be the state's business? I know. And these are always women that are getting stoned. It's not like they're like, oh yeah, we fucking stoned that dude, but the woman's cool. Yeah.

Like it's all good. I don't even know what to do right now. Like you click from, Cecil, hold on. Because seriously, this week I was looking for stories and I was like, every story is the same story. You took like literally 37 minutes to put all the stories up, too. It took no time. It was a distressingly short period of time to find these stories. Good Lord, dude. And these are not fucking like, ah-ha-ha, this guy thinks that this bar of soap can talk to aliens or something. No, this is like someone died.

Another person died. Someone got run over by a car. or something. Right, right. No, like, this is like someone died. Right. Another person died. Someone got run over by a car. I know. It's bad. It took no time. This was not religion's best week. You know, the thing is, like, Cecil and I were recording on a Sunday.

We never do that. We're recording together physically in the same room. We never do that. And we sort of juggled around our recording schedule a little bit. And we're like, hey, you want to record tomorrow? Yeah, great. I got some time. And Cecil's like, well, are the notes up? And I was like, well, I gotta do that now? Jesus, man!

You need a fucking volunteer. We need a volunteer army like David Smalley just to do all the work. Why don't we have that? I don't know. Well, I have that. You fucker! But you were like, well, are there notes up? And I was like, well, fine. Yeah.

Something to actually talk about. It took fucking 40 minutes. It was nothing. It was like, bloop. That's amazing, man. And the stories you found are fucking tragic. They're all tragic. This one in particular, where they're treating little kids like balloon animals.

It's like. Balloon animals, fuck. All right, so this story comes from the Inquisitor. He's blowing on the nozzle. Come on. It's a reverse balloon. He's sucking, not blowing. He's sucking, blowing, not...

It's gone from suck to blow. Wait a minute. You know, when you say tomato, I say tomato. Two more, and I love the word more in this circumstance, right? Like, two more infant boys contract herpes from circumcision ritual in New York City. Herpes isn't good when you're newborn, right? That can kind of kill you as a newborn. Hey, you know how many diseases I want my newborn to contract?

Can you choose? Look, I have a newborn upstairs. He's seven weeks old. If somebody was like, I really want to cut his genitals and put my mouth on it, I'd be like, I'll fucking destroy you. What if somebody just said, I don't want to cut his genitals. I just want to put my mouth on it. I would fucking destroy them.

I would fucking burn my house down around him rather than see him do that. And if he was like, wait a minute, wait a minute, hold on. You haven't heard it out. You have not heard out. No. You are being unfair to my position. I have a very old book. I have an old book.

I have a very old book and a silly hat. Yeah. I have an ancient tradition of sucking the dick of newborns. Can you imagine if somebody, now hold on. So let's create, let's create an analog to this. I was thinking about this earlier. I was too. Because it's two pieces that lend cretins, right?

It's an old book and a silly hat. And a silly hat. So if somebody showed up... With a Mickey Mouse hat. With the Epic of Gilgamesh in one hand, and they're like, you got an old book? Old book. And they're like, and I'm wearing a Jester's cap. Sure, yeah. It's a very old hat.

Very old hat. It's tradition. Absolutely. So I've got a Jester's cap and I've got the epic Gilgamesh. Can I suck your son's dick? So long, Jughead. You can't be here anymore. Yeah, I totally don't get it.

And that's exactly it, right? It's like, would you look around at some point if you're one of these fucking moils or whatever? Right. After you just got done sucking a fucking newborn's cock and you got the blood of a newborn circumcision dripping down your fucking big giant oversized beer do you have to like do you sometimes like swap that with another moil if they've got it on film are you like find another moil and like drip it into their mouth oh no god I would have probably watched it. I mean, I've seen it.

I've seen it. I might be watching it now. Oh, God. That's awesome, though. No, but seriously, like, you look around and you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, David, this is fucking crazy. Is there a moment where you fucking say, I'm sucking a newborn's dick? How do you train to do this job?

Because there's always a day. This is the thing that always strikes me, Cecil, is there's always a day when you never sucked a newborn's dick, right? And then the next day, and you're just like, man, I have crossed the line today. Because there's got to be a day where you show up to work, because this is a job, right? You show up for work, and you're like, oh, big day at the office. Totally got to put a baby dick in my mouth. Oh, man. I wonder what the training's like.

Is it like a University of Phoenix online class you have to take? I'm picturing a CPR dummy. With a little tiny little thing that pops out. It's like a little nozzle. You practice on a garden hose? That's's just. You practice on a garden hose? That's too big. You practice on a piece of penne. Oh, we have this rigatoni.

Oh, man, that's a hung kid. Let me tell you. Like Ziti. I've been practicing on Ziti. Let me tell you, the rigatoni, that kid is fucking, he's going to lay the hammer down later on. He's got the girth at a young age. He's not my son.

You know, one of the things that I wonder, too, is there's no mention of car seats in the fucking, in any of their books, right? So what if you drove around with, if they're like, if they said, this is, because, you know, they're saying like 100 boys die a year of fucking circumcised, botched circumcision. Not herpes. They don't die because some moil sucked their circumcision. Not herpes. They don't die because some moil sucked their cock and they got herpes. Some people, some of the children do. Some of the children just happen to fucking develop herpes, which turns out isn't fucking great

for you either. No, yeah. Zero out of ten doctors recommend infantile herpes. Zero out of ten doctors recommend fucking adult insect herpes. Like, oh yeah, we got the shot, I'll give you a herpes. Can you imagine a doctor being like, well, have you insect herpes like it was like oh yeah we got the shot i'll give you a herpes can you imagine it back to me like well have you tried herpes yeah i know your back's hurting can we drop the herp on you is that a thing no but you know so there's a hundred boys

they die annually from medical circumcisions the united states okay so that's botched bad fucking circumstance can you imagine fucking bleeding out from your cock first of all which fucking good lord that's gonna but imagine okay so let's say that instead your ancient book fucking prohibited you know you carrying your infant in any way except for like holding cradling it right like let's say that there was some weird thing it's like you can only cradle in your arms well now they're driving in a car and then fucking the airbag fucking squishes your infant against your chest or something right there would be an out i can't imagine there wouldn't be an outrage against that. There sure fucking should be, right?

I can't imagine. The same thing that's like, what if you had to like fucking every time you put your baby down, you had to shake it three times. You know what I mean? Like, shake it. You got to hold it up in the air and shake it three times towards Mecca or whatever. If you shake it more than twice, you're just playing with it. That's right.

And its head kind of does this thing. It's like a back and forth. No, but seriously, like there would be an uproar, I think, if they did that. But instead it's like, oh, fucking cutting their genitalia seems to have this fucking mystique that we just. It's magic. It's magic, dude. It's fucking crazy, dude. They're saying that the Ten Commandments have been taken out of the courtrooms and out of the schoolhouses lest we offend the atheists.

Let me be very clear. out of the courtrooms and out of the schoolhouses lest we offend the atheists. Let me be very clear. This country was not built for atheists nor by atheists. It was built by Christian people who believed in the Word of God. To the atheists watching this telecast, if our belief in god offends you move there are planes leaving every hour on the on the hour going every place on planet earth get on one we don't want you and we won't miss you. I promise you.

This story comes from the Huffington Post. Mayor sued by ACLU compares atheists near prayer group to the KKK at an MLK event. The Americans. So this is fucking goofball in Michigan, right? And he basically in his town, in the city of Warren, Michigan,

Jim Foote, Foote And he basically, in his town, in the city of Warren, Michigan, Jim Foots, he basically put up a prayer station. So there's in the city hall, in the atrium. What the fuck? Right. I know. What the fuck? What the actual fuck? I mean, really, you put up a fucking prayer station?

Yeah, on city property. And it's sponsored by a local church group. So it's very specific. It's not even like a generalized. Tom, fucking really? What the fuck? I know. Hey, do me a favor. Do you have a watch or a phone? I don't. Check the fucking year.

Hold on, I gotta look at my computer. Because, hold on a minute, because mine says it's goddamn 2014. I know. And don't these fucking idiots know better? I mean, really? They don't look like a sundial, so I don't think so. I just like the Flintstones watch where they have the little sundial on their wrist and they hold it up. And they're just like, what time is it?

I don't know. It's about dark. Yeah, right? It's dark 30. It's after dusk, so we stopped telling time, actually, after dusk. The moon doesn't cast enough of a shadow. Yeah, that's what it turns out. Why are you awake, demon?

Can I read what he says? You probably can, but it will make you stupider. Here we go. I'm willing to take a punch for the show. I do not consider atheists to be Nazis or anything of that nature. I believe they're loyal Americans just like everybody else, Fouts said. But that the reason station would promote conflict and consternation and controversy. So basically what he's saying is that you can have a prayer station.

That's fine. But if you put up a reason station, that's going to promote controversy. Yeah, he wouldn't want that. That's bad for people. What happens, though, in a biology class when you teach that controversy? What exactly? I'm curious what he would say to that. Right. Because that's what they say. It's like, fucking, hey, we need healthy debate in science class, Tom.

We need to make sure that both sides of the issues are covered. Yes. But when you get to the fucking city hall, we're only going to fucking make sure that one side of those issues is covered. You know, the problem, Cecil, is a diversity of opinion. That has never. Nobody. Do you remember that time when a diversity of opinion was a real problem and people were

like, man, look at all these different thoughts on this subject. We should definitely cancel the subject. How many times do they say, though? problem people are like man look at all these different thoughts on this subject we should definitely cancel the subject how many times do they say though it's like what we should do is we should let the little kids that are in class decide for themselves whether or not they want to believe in god or fucking whether or not evolution is real i know it's like what you but you can't allow adults to do that adults you're not allowing them that are coming into your fucking building you're not allowing them to decide whether or not it's, you're just like, oh, well we can pray

for them and that's positive. But if you, you know, come in and there's some humanish stuff, that's negative. It's like, fucking I went to a fucking humanist conference recently. None of it was negative. I'm sure it was all very negative. The only thing that was negative was there was fucking Mother Teresa's fucking shithouse

over there in Calcutta was fucking basically face fucking all the fucking people that came in and didn't give a shit about them. And these people made a fucking better house. That's the only thing that was negative. They said, oh, your house sucks and you don't have trained people? Well, let's fucking fix that. Well, how dare they? Well, I mean, okay, so fine.

Oh, look at me. I created a better thing for people. Did they have Jesus there? I don't think so. No. You know what? Turns out Mother Teresa didn't have fucking Jesus there either because he's not a fucking real thing. They had a fucking picture of him on the wall.

That's a fucking put him there. I could put Elvis on my wall. It doesn't mean he fucking graces fucking Glorio Studios. So we're going to take a break and give you all the information that you need, not that we understand why you would want to, to become a patron of the show. And we'll return in just a moment to fuck up the rest of this program.

Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com, or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Do you want to support the show? Go to patreon.com. That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n.com forward slash dissonance pod or click the link on the podcast

home page and you can donate to the production of cognitive dissonance on a per episode basis if you can't spare any money take a second to give us a five-star review on itunes or stitcher or spread the word about the show we want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. This story comes from Right Wing Watch. There's two stories that are linked and they're linked by the same idiot. They're linked by Ebola?

Ebola. It brings people together. It's like, oh my God, you know what would be an amazing Coke can? Share a Coke with Ebola. You know what I like is like, you know how there used to be like Wednesday was Prince Spaghetti Night? Like, I wonder if there's like a Friday is like Ebola night. I hate Ebola night, Mom.

It's horrible. It liquefies my organs. It sucks. Honey, are you bleeding out of your Orify? I am, Mom. I really, really am. My kidneys are mush. Michelle Bachman, the first story.

Gays want to let adults freely prey on little children sexually. That's hot. Yeah. I did that just for you. What about priests? Do they want to let people? I love that they're always like, not it. And you're like, no, really, you're it.

Yeah, right? It's like, no. You know, it's actually, the thing is, yes, you could substitute priests for gays in the sun. Okay, you could. You could. But you'd also have to substitute want for do. That's very true. Because it's like, in this fucking fabrication, in this fucking made up fucking bizarro world that Michelle Bachman clearly lives in, where gays have sex with kids and her husband is

a heterosexual. Oh, man. So isn't she fucking vomiting? You've got clips of her vomiting. I do. I have clips of her fucking shitting her pants. Okay, so here we go. This is Michelle Bachman on a show.

The show is called Faith and Liberty. It's a conservative radio show. No, no. Say it ain't so. I find myself shocked and appalled. We're going to listen to Michelle Bachman right now. Truth. One of my previous guests said that the way immorality, which is what you're talking about,

gets in the culture is first they argue for tolerance, then acceptance, and then celebration. And I added that after celebration, there is intolerance for those who disagree with their immoral positions. Does this seem the way the gay rights advocates have treated people with a Christian worldview or people who disagree with them? That's where we are now. As a matter of fact, we see that in legislation being pushed all across the United States to punish people who don't agree with that viewpoint. And I think that's very reflective of where we are at in the culture and why we see the rise of tyranny. It's the basis for hate speech laws across the United States.

It is an attempt to have government coerce, enforce speech and behavior. Let me say that again. This is an effort to have government coerce, force speech and behavior. And it's being pushed and advocated by the gay community. This is their ultimate goal is to not allow

for diversity of opinion on this issue. You know what I hate, Cecil? I hate when 3% of the population just bullies the next 97%. You better do what I say or we'll, I don't know, do nothing except for just get pushed around. I'll hang you with a feather boa.

3%. You're talking 3% to 5% of the population all of a sudden. They're tyranny. I know. The tyranny of the 3%. Yeah. How is 3% to 5% of the population possibly tyrannical in any way? Well, she's dealing with her gay husband all the time, so maybe he's a little pushy.

Right, maybe, right? I don't know. Because they don't want to be celebrated. They want to force everyone to not only agree with them, but also have to finance their agenda. And they also believe that they have the right, David, to determine on a near daily basis what their agenda is. How dare they set their own agenda? Those free thinking people walking around with their thoughts. This is that fucking stupid liar's fucking position, though, that like you're never allowed to fucking change your mind or change your position.

Right. Like if you're in politics, the only thing you can be is fucking like on a super highway going directly north. That's all you can do. If you veer off at all, you're a flip flopper. You're just like, oh, well, you know, there's this brand new evidence that says blah. It's like, no, that's a flip flopper. That's not a flip flopper. That's just somebody who's fucking looking at new evidence and thinking, I think there's

a different position for that. That's not it. That's a fucking virtue, not a fucking demerit. I appreciate flip flopping because it really means that somebody was like, I thought a thing. there's a different position for that. That's a fucking virtue, not a fucking demerit. I appreciate flip-flopping because it really means that somebody was like, I thought a thing, then I reconsidered. Yeah, and then I thought another thing. You know what?

If somebody never reconsiders a position, I mean, honestly, do you know anybody that's intellectually honest that never reconsiders their position? No. No, you never will. You fucking sure as hope you never would, right? Like, man, I fucking was right the first time every time. What? Really?

Yeah. Really. Today, the big push is on transgender. And so they're continuing to push us down the road. I believe that we're going to see coming an effort for multiples in marriage, not just two, but multiples in marriage. I think they want to legalize that. I think also they want to abolish age of consent laws, which means children, we would do away with statutory rape laws so that adults would be able to freely prey on little children

sexually. That's the deviance that we're seeing embraced in our culture today. What fucking leads you to believe that other than your fucking, your poorly formed logical argument that makes it okay for, because, you know, their logic is, and I don't even want to say it's logic, I's logic, their anti-logic is that if you allow a different type of marriage, if you say marriage is a different,

it's not what we define it as, it's this, then you're basically opening the door for any type of definition of marriage. So you're saying we can redefine the term at our whim. And that's just not true. All they want to do is just say, look, we want to have consenting adults get married. That's okay.

It doesn't matter the gender. It's just consenting adults. But instead what they want to say is, well, then now we can allow non-consenting things involved in this equation because we want to make sure that we can demonize as much as possible. You know, to me this is the problem with discrete arguments, right? demonize as much as possible. You know, to me, this is the problem with discreet arguments, right? Like, you've got an argument being made about whether or not consenting men and consenting women should be allowed to marry one another and have, you know, relationships with one another that are sanctioned and recognized by the state.

That's one argument. Right. It would be an entirely discreet argument, you know, if somebody wanted to have multiple partners in a relationship. And I don't have a problem with that. I don't have a problem with that. But regardless of whether or not I have an issue with it, it is a separate argument. It's a totally separate conversation to have. Now, previous conversations may inform the logic of the next conversation.

inform the logic of the next conversation. But it doesn't mean that they're not discreet in nature and they have different considerations to take into your worldview and to consider. So and then the idea like and she's just like an I believe and that's the most important part. Right. Sure. Yeah, I believe. And I believe that the gays want to have sex with a bunch of kids and like abolish like

child statutory rape laws. And it's like, well, you believe it. But the fucking nobody is pushing that. And the data doesn't say any of that at all. There's no data behind it whatsoever. It's just what I believe. And that's and that's an easy way for her to get away with saying that sort of thing and implicating an entire group of people as pedophiles.

Absolutely. And that's the and that's the thing that they always fall back on. Right. Absolutely. And that's the thing that they always fall back on, right? That's the thing the Russians have fallen back on, is this conflation of pedophilia with homosexuality, despite the fact that there's no evidence that the two... Or bestiality, because that's another one, right? They always go with it. That's another non-consent sexual act.

It's non-consent, and it's a non-sequitur, right? Like, it does not follow. It absolutely is not, even remotely or tangentially. And to be honest, I don't even really care. I don't care. Like, I don't care about bestiality at all. Like, I just, I know that, you know, it's weird and fucking crazy and strange and whatever, but, like, I fucking eat hamburgers.

That's way worse than fucking a cow. You know what I mean? Like, I eat fucking, I eat pork. I eat fucking bacon. I eat chicken breast. And it's like, would a chicken rather fucking have its fucking breast cut out or get fucked? You know what I mean? Like, I would imagine getting fucked is the lesser of two evils in that equation.

I can't imagine that the chicken would be like, no, kill me now, Lord. Kill me now. Can't somebody butcher me for food? Yeah, this is dignified at least. That's not what I thought was going to happen today. This is the worst day as a chicken I've ever had. I'm about to be made into tenders. Are you kidding me?

A chicken hanging up its hard hat. That is the worst day ever. Worst day as a chicken. How was your day at work, honey? Terrible. Terrible. I got plowed by some dude. All right.

So there's more Bachman. There's actually two more clips. You've been really critical of the Supreme Court over the Windsor decision on DOMA, Defense of Marriage Act. And I think I heard you say something along the lines of their ruling, in essence, denied equal protection for every America. Am I stating your views correctly? Well, it is a denial of equal protection for all Americans. And I know we don't have very much time at this point in your show to maybe fresh all of that out. I just want to say that I do believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. And this is a revolution that we are encountering now as well. For all the thousands

of years of recorded human history, about 5,000 years, there is no instance of any culture, nation, or tribe ever having as the established standard for marriage anything other than between man and woman. Wrong! Sorry! Yeah, you know, fucking, all you have to do is fucking type that into fucking, to Google's and it takes, I'm telling you, I'm not even kidding when it takes the first

fucking entry! And it's like, sorry, there's been fucking... Okay, but hold on, hold on. Sex, marriage... Did you check to see how long it took Google to return those results? It's like fucking half a fucking second. Well, who can spare that kind of time? Not a fucking good seller. Cecil, I don't walk around with half seconds to spare to check my facts before I start vomiting off at the face hole.

Yeah, well, this is exactly it, right? All you have to do is just create a narrative that you think other people won't check up on. Yep. Because, and clearly their side is not going to do it, right? If you're a card-carrying, you know, Bachman supporter, you're just going to take her at face value. And so you're just going to look at this

and you're going to say, hey, she's right. She clearly is right. And so I don't have to worry about what I'm going to like, look up in the, in the future. So there's still about a minute left of this time. A whole fucking, wait, are you fucking serious? It may have been multiple women and a man. It may have been something like that, but it was always between men and women. I, you know, I'll be honest, multiple men and women. If you can get a bunch of people to agree

to that, it's great. But it's like finding the people to agree to that seems like it's going to be the problem. I can barely agree. Like one woman, I'm like, that is amazing. Really? When I prepared for my wife, she was like, fine. I know there's that exhale. Oh, God.

I guess. Yeah. I was like, basically, honey, you have no other option. Other options? Like, I have destroyed for you. Oh. I've salted this earth. You pretty much have.

I have. Salt the earth behind me. Oh, brilliant. Oh, there's still more. Salt the earth behind me. Oh, brilliant. Oh, there's still more. It wasn't until the year 2000 that the world has embarked on this radical experiment of marriage between other than man and woman. I think that nature tells us, our biology tells us that marriage is between man and woman.

And our Bible. Wait, hold on a second. Because there's gay fucking apes. So I don't know if this biology tells us that. That's because those apes didn't read the Bible. If those apes were learning apes. If they would learn to read their fucking Bible. They wore the right fucking hat.

Those apes. Those fucking infidel apes. You know what? You know what, Cecil? No shit right now. Those apes are going to hell. They are. Ape hell!

There's one ape holding a Bible, looking at the rest, going, They're going to hell. It's basically a zoo. That's right. When we tamper with something that was generated by the creator of the universe, I think there are profound consequences that we haven't yet realized. That's why this matters. It matters, very important, for the subsequent generations that we are charged with

rearing. So what, now, when is she saying, like, she basically is just, what she's saying is, what we should do is look at the only lens of marriage that we can look at is through a biblical lens. I mean, really, that's what she's saying. Yeah, she is, because she denies every other way to look at the world is heretical. Right. Every other way to look at the world, whether it's secular, whether it's Muslim, whether it's Buddhist, whether it's Hindu, whether it's Jewish, it's heretical. It doesn't matter.

It's less than. This is a worldview that says tab A, slot B. Everything else is of the devil. The thing is, gay guys have a tab A and a slot B. It's the wrong slot. It's like slot C. Actually, the problem is the slot A.

It's tab A, slot A. Tab D, slot A. Tab D slot A. And never mind when it's slot and slot. You know, like some hot slot on slot action. I love some hot slots, though. I got to admit. Oh, my God. That would be an awesome web page.

I love foaming slots. Slot on slot action. I'm a huge fan of slots. I like the squirting slots. It's like a sprinkler. I just like the evidence. It just comes out. Are they pissing at that point? Is that pee?

It's fucking... Yes, it's pee. When it's porn, it's pee. Because otherwise, every woman is squirting. It's pee porn. It's fucking always urine. It's okay. I still ejaculate. That's actually what I search for. I'm just like, what you. It's pee porn. It's pee porn. It's fucking always urine. It's okay. I still ejaculate. That's actually what I search for. Pee porn. I'm just like, what you got for the pee porn?

I fucking hate Michelle. Fucking Michelle Bachman. Michelle O'Bachman. I almost called her Michelle O'Bachman. That's what we called her in the past was Michelle O'Bachman. She's this weird transformational thing between the two of them where she's really, really stringent about the kind of foods you eat. She's like, you can only eat

fucking Bible food. Like four grain bread. Like a fucking Ezekiel bread. Where you're like, oh, the bread is previously sprouted. It's like, oh, that makes it taste like mold. They take the bread and they bury it

and then they fucking bake it afterwards. It's like, oh man, I love that bread. That tastes like it's going bad because it went bad. Not good. No. Turns out. What do you have that's fucking soured? It's great bread. I hate Michelle Bachman. That is my fucking answer.

So what's the next story? Because it's married. Yeah, this next story is also by from, I don't know, Michelle Obak, right wing watch. Children with Ebola. What? I know, dude. Ebola? Because people with Ebola travel. Fucking whatever.

Children with Ebola and people from terrorist nations, part of the immigrant invasion. You got like four days to live. I know. So I might as well try to break into the United States. Like, oh, God, my fucking organs are turning into liquid. I gotta fucking figure out how long. Must cross desert. I gotta figure out how long it takes you to die.

Yeah, what's the incubation period for fucking Ebola? The first thing that comes up in Google is Ebola, how long to died. That's not even English. Oh, my God. Oh, man, that's awesome. Yeah, dude, it's two to 21 days. Yeah, well, you know what you want to do is you want to make sure you spend your Hilton points before you die. You want to get your credit card out.

You know, the thing is, is when you're dead, who cares, right? So you might as well take a trip to the United States and somehow fucking break the fuck in. Right, right. Because, you know, you've got like Ebola. You're like, oh, man, I woke up yesterday with this terrible case of Ebola. You know how I knew it was Ebola? Because I was bleeding from my face. You know, my hair follicles were bleeding.

I thought, you know where I should go is the United States. They fucking put you in a plastic bag on the airline. Are you kidding me? I woke up and it was the movie Outbreak. Yeah, no kidding. That's pretty much it. I was covered in fucking lysis monkeys. I got bit by a small monkey.

Morgan Freeman was upset. It was terrible. Do you want to hear what she has to say, Tom? She has to say some shit. Morgan Freeman was upset. It was terrible. Do you want to hear what she has to say, Tom? She has to say some shit. Yeah, why not? I love Ebola. Ebola in the fucking hizzy. Here we go.

You know, I drink a tall glass of Ebola every morning before. Is it freshly squeezed Ebola? Freshly squeezed Ebola. It's like, oh, man, that and some leprosy waffles. You press their face up against one of those reamers and just press and they just fucking disintegrate. They're like the person from Robocop who gets hit by the car and just disintegrates. Oh, yeah, they just blow up. They just go, blarg, blarg.

That's exactly what happens in the sound. Like, blarg. I was fine until you hit me with that car. I know, like your bones are liquid. How are you even standing up? Your fucking bones were liquid. You can't stand when your bones are liquid. I would have been fine if it wasn't for those meddling cars.

Help me. What are you saying help me for? You're going to die in 30 seconds. What's the help? Somebody's going to be like, oh, wait, hold on a minute. Did you try this megavitamin? Hold on, have you tried a coffee enema today? you try this mega vitamin hold on have you tried a coffee enema today people from yemen iran iraq other terrorist nations who are making their way up through america's southern border because they

see that it's in it's a green light they can easily get in not only people with potentially terrorist activities but also very dangerous weapons across our border, in addition to very dangerous drugs, and also life-threatening diseases. Such as no diseases like that. No, no kidding, right? It's like, oh, and here's something I just made up. Hot off the Bachman presses.

Potentially including such diseases as all the diseases. Potentially. Flying monkey herpes. That's made some shit up. You know, I heard a lot of those kids are coming over with gopher pox. Fucking nasty, dirty, disgusting little diseased children. Oh, man. With their gopher pox.

Little gopher pox never hurt anybody. Their tarantula plague. It has eight stages. One for each leg. Fucking llama AIDS. Llama AIDS. You're just making it up, Tom. These aren't real diseases.

No, wait, what? No, you found me out. God damn it. This story also comes from the Inquisitor. The Inquisitor got a lot of play this week. A woman lets God drive car. God immediately runs down. I can't even read it.

God immediately runs down a guy on a motorcycle. Oh, you're killing me. She was driving last Friday. You know what would also be great is Tracy Chapman's fast car. I got a fast car. 50 miles to go. Oh, this is amazing. It's coming. She let Jesus drive, and that's a bad idea.

Oh, my God. This song's real? That's a bad idea. Oh my god. This song's real? Where did you find this song? It's real. Fuck did she say? Let God sort them out. We hit his flesh with metal And there was no metal in between Because he's on the fucking doorless and roofless version of the car

And I'm gonna fucking run his bitch ass over Whenever I want. Oh my God. That's the best. Oh my God. Well, at least he's ecstatic to be alive. Yeah. No kidding.

Right? Oh my God. This feels like, this feels like one of those fucking redneck videos, like hillbilly guy being like, Hey y'all, how hold my beer? Go ahead. Let me take the wheel. This is going to be great guys. Hold on.

Now all I ever drove before was a donkey, so this is like. This is just like my John Deere. It rides just like it. It's got really nice shocks. I could ride this right over into this. Oh, into this person. Oh, quick, take the wheel back. Take the wheel back.

You never should have given me that wheel. Look, I drove a Harvester, and I'm kind of a harvester of souls. What a dick Jesus is. Good Lord, what a dick Jesus is. Well, the thing is that Jesus is not a licensed driver. Yeah, that's true. And the problem is that they invented the car 2,000 years after him. 2,000 years.

He's used to the horses driving, right? When you're on a chariot and you hit the horse, it'd be like, go left. They're like, yeah, well, I'll go left when I can. Right. They're not like, I'll go left right now. I'll get around to that. I'm going to do it when I can. You know, but the thing is, so let's not take anything away from the story. Right. Because she

didn't just hit the motorcyclist. She also rammed the back of a Ford pickup truck before running her car off the road. So she fucking crashed it. Woo! Yes! I believe, Lord.

I believe. Yeah! Because I'm all fucking idiots. I'll tell you what, though. Carrie Underwood is something to look at. Let me tell you something. Yeah, no kidding, right? That's a girl who's something to look at.

Look, you say what you want. She has enormous lips. That's all I'm saying. Like, oh my gosh. So what do you say about this? Nothing. It was fucking ridiculous. Like, why would you fucking raise your hand?

Like, this is nut work news shit. This is a crazy person who said, please take the wheel, Jesus, and fucking raise their hands in the air. You're a crazy person. There's nothing. I mean, I can't, like, that's not even a thing. Like, I can't even blame that on belief. I've got to blame that on nuts.

Man. Right. Right. And you know, you read this thing and it says, so her, she she says, out of nowhere God told her that he would take it from here. Hold my beer. Now, now. I'm going to do this thing. Give me a second.

I want to grab a hold of the whale. So she let go of the steering wheel? And the thing is, too, like if you let go of the steering wheel, Cecil, and you saw that your car was starting to plow into a things, wouldn't you be like, wait a minute, Jesus is a terrible driver. As it turns out, he's about to hit this fucking dude. Did he also fucking take control of your feet? You couldn't hit the brake?

Right. Like what she did was she just fucking put her both of her legs on the dash and threw her arms in the air. It's only 2,000 pounds of speeding metal. What damage could it do to a human being? That's like saying, like, Jesus, take my gun and just shooting it into the air and hoping it doesn't kill anybody. You know how I solved the Cuban Missile Crisis. I just let Jesus press the button.

A long black cock, long black cock. A long black cock, long black coat. Long black coat. So this story, and I could not believe it, and I actually checked it twice, comes from CNBC. I know you got a fucking good source for it, at least. I was like, no, this has to be from the fucking Onion or whatever. The Islamic State, which is taking over Iraq, is now forcing shopkeepers to veil their mannequins. Their mannequins. Because I'll tell you this much.

If they didn't, I would totally fuck a mannequin. I would fucking carve a hole. I'd use my hole saw to drill a hole in their mouth. And then fuck the fucking wooden hole in their face. Oh, what's wrong? Like all of a sudden, you know, the thing is, Cecil, this addresses the epidemic of splinter dick. That's right. That's been going around.

You know what I mean? It's like, you know, what? I'm 80 grit sandpaper to solve this problem. I'm just saying. I really want to just talk about how you want to make women invisible in your culture. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, that's what you want to do.

You want to say that there's no such thing as a woman because you want to cover in a goddamn burlap sack. And you're going to be like, okay, well, she's clearly not a human being. She's clearly a fucking, not a person that we need to even take seriously. And that's what they're doing with these veils. They're saying, look, we can't have women's faces out there because if a woman's face is out there, that gives them humanity.

And we can't allow that. You know, that's that's one way to look at it. The other way to look at this. I don't know that I want to look at it the other way. The other way to look at it is I don't know that I want to look at it this way. If you're looking to buy a dress that covers you from fucking neck to toenails, right? And you see a mannequin that has a face. Has a face.

You can't identify with it in this culture. You have to look at it and be like, but what would it look like if I were invisible? Now, is this, if they have the veil on their face and then they wear the hijab, are they a two bagger at that point? It's like a double bagger. job are they a two bagger at that point it's like a double bagger like at some point you're like you know that mannequin seems actually more human than me that mannequin at some point actually has more i want to laugh identity i want to laugh at that but that's the saddest fucking thing you've ever right you've ever said the the mannequin that's fucking horrifying has more rights to a fucking identity yeah looks like a real person and I don't.

I look like a goddamn fucking bag of onions. Right? Right. You're just like, I would make a nice soup. Yeah. It's so sad. It is sad. You know, there's nothing that's going on in Iraq right now that's not so sad.

I know. It's like fucking, yeah, well, we just kind of killed our first person for adultery. Yeah. And we're bagging all the mannequins for later storage. Yeah. Yeah. We got to veil their face, even though you can see through the veil. Yeah.

That's the thing, too. It's like the veil is not like, it's more like, it's a veil in the sense that like garters and lace are a veil. You're like, I can see. I can see. I'll tell you what. What if they come in in the morning and there's like spunk on the mask?

Oh, sorry. I was just fucking this mannequin's face. Sorry, I was fucking. I just wanted to give it a facial in the morning. Is that wrong? Like in Islam, can I fuck a mannequin's face? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

Yeah, if it tells a lie, does it nose gets bigger? I don't know. Here's the thing. It's like if it was an actual woman, it wouldn't be allowed to complain. a lie? Does it nose gets bigger? Here's the thing. It's like if it was an actual woman, it wouldn't be allowed to complain. Sometimes I say shit and I'm so embarrassed

to have said it. Glory, ho, motherfucker. Nala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, lala, l dude, the prescription in Islam is that if you are a Muslim, you cannot eat during Ramadan, during the daylight hours. I think you have to fast until dusk. Isn't that the thing, right? Fast until dusk. Fucking who cares? It doesn't even matter. But evidently they're applying

this to non-Muslims. They're applying it to the point where they're burning this dude's face with cigarettes. Did they make him eat the cigarette? Is that what they made him do? Well, that's the thing, too. Cigarettes are not allowed in Islam. So somebody, like, the guy doing the punishment is like,

fuck, I can't do this. Fuck. No, hold on. It's to burn an infidel, so it's cool. I don't know why you're not allowed to eat during Ramadan anyway. I don't either. It's delicious like noodles. during ramen, ramen Don anyway. I don't either. Like it's fucking, it's delicious. Like noodles. You should be able to eat starches and salt.

Like basically like. It's just a salt starch. That is just salt starch. It is. It's like salt taffy, except for it's a starch. It is. Yeah. It's exactly what it is.

You just pull it as. Yeah. You know, I will say that I disagree sharply with a, uh, one of the, one of the lines in this article in the line it says that the uh the infidel um is receiving a lesser punishment um than the muslim men the muslim men are getting 70 lashes i'll fucking take a cigarette burning on the lipular region over 70 i think you might be able to die from 70 lashes. Dude, 70 lashes is... I mean, after the first dozen lashes?

And look at this picture. I know. You see this picture? This dude's winding up for the World Series, man. He's not looking for a single. He's looking for a home run. Oh, my God, would that hurt. That would hurt like all the hurts.

We're laughing, but this is happening to people. These human beings are getting beaten. Like actual, genuine human beings are getting beaten. Like actual genuine human beings are like, what'd you do? I ate a food during the wrong hours. And you're not even that fucking religion, right? I know. Like that's the thing is like, I'm allowed to eat the food because I don't fucking believe

in what you believe. But that's not that. Who gives a shit? All the rest of us are fasting. So you have to fast too. You're not fasting fast enough. Like, I don't know. It's very confusing. I. You're not fasting fast enough. I don't know. It's very confusing. I can't quickly fast. Fast slower.

I don't know what that even means. I'm going fast slower. Sir, I believe that's a trick question. Is this a rhetorical fast? You're all dead. Oh, be nice. Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay.

Oh, my God. What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance now. This story comes from PinkNews.com. American Family Association president upset that Michael Sam will see naked beefcakes. Isn't a beefcake just a meatloaf?

Let's be honest here. We're making a beefcake. It's a meatloaf. I'm not saying I need a beefcake, but I would. I would choke. I would choke down a few. I'm saying so. American Family Association president Michael is upset that Michael Sam,

Michael Sam is the. He's the gay. He's the openly gay. Openly gay. Yeah, because it's a fucking almost near statistical certainty that there have been non-openly gay football players in the past. Right. But he's the openly gay football player.

He just got signed relatively recently. He got drafted or signed. I don't really know the difference between drafted and signed. But anyway, he got one of those things. He got one of those things. Is there a difference between drafted and signed? Well, you can get drafted and not signed, although that doesn't really. I mean, it might happen with later rounds, but it certainly wouldn't happen with the earlier rounds.

Yeah, I stopped paying attention. Anyway, this guy is going to play football for a team, and that means he's going to have to shower with these guys, right? And fucking this dude from the American Family Association is really worried about what Michael Sam's going to see and how hard it's going to be for him to see it. Do you know? And how long he'll have to look at it.

Let me tell you, he's rubbing his huge pectoral muscles with the soap as he's looking longingly at all these other men, and he's sort of stroking his own body. You know, here's the other thing, Tom. Women have been allowed in locker rooms for years and years and years. In the locker room of sports. You know, sports is happening. Fucking they get off the field.

They go take a shower. Right? Can't you just – can't you – okay, so let's say I'm a fucking – You know, sports is happening. Fucking they get off the field. They go take a shower. Right. Can't you just can't you. OK, so let's say I'm a fucking what I do for a job is coding code. Right. Like, let's say that's what I do is just fucking I'm a I'm a code monkey. Sure. Basically, if I were to take my mind off of that and I were to move my mind into somewhere else, like, let's say I would be browsing Reddit instead of doing code.

The same thing applies here. You're a human being who's doing a job. My job is to go out there and play football and then come back. Let's say I take a shower. I'm not immediately like fucking, oh my God, dude, I got a fucking giant erection because I love all these other men's. You're just like, I'm at a job. I'm doing a thing. Like you can separate yourself from your work sexually. Like I don't, I don't look at all the women I work with, even when I'm not undressed with them and say, man, I'd love to fucking bend you over a desk and fucking take you from behind. I don't do that because they're fucking, they're human beings that I work. I'm

looking at you. You probably do, but I don't. I, I fucking, well, I mean like you're saying this, but it's like every day when I go into work, I just immediately start masturbating. You know, it's funny. I don't even think I don't discriminate between men and women either. I just walk up to whoever it is and I'm just like, I would like to bench over it. Right. I'm just like, it doesn't matter. Here's the thing. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat.

Like, that's it. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. This guy's so worried about the fucking naked beefcakes. The beefcakes. What is with the beefcakes? Beefcakes. No, those are like the beef bouillons. They is with the beefcakes? Beefcakes. Those are like the beef bouillons. They're exactly like that. It's salty.

It's salty. God, those are salty. You don't want to put a beefcake in your mouth. Just like drop the whole beefcake in your mouth at one time. Let me tell you, you'll be spitting out a lot of beefcake if you do that. It's like dribbling down your channel that beefcake. I'll tell you what, you've got to wipe that off at the end because you'll be salivating the beefcake right out of your mouth

and you'll make that look, look, look sound. It's like a goose flying north. It's just like look, look, look. But let's be fair because he's been a sports reporter and he says that for a few years I've been in many football locker rooms where the players walk around naked or half naked

changing their clothes and going in and out of the showers. So what? This guy's fucking jerking off while he's giving this report. I know. God. It's just so ridiculous because you're just like, yeah, but women do it too right now. And they've been doing it since fucking, I don't know, 70 fucking eight. Right.

You know? Again, these guys. Since my wife was alive, for Christ's sakes. Since I was alive. It's ridiculous. You're just like, okay, well, fucking, you know, they've been doing it for many decades. All the years. Women have been in there.

Yeah. And you're just like, well, that's okay. But you know what? What we're really worried about is just this guy who happens to be attracted to the same sex. Because wouldn't it be a terrible crime if somebody enjoyed something? But wait a minute, wait a minute.

I didn't say that right. Wouldn't it be a terrible crime if somebody that you were discriminating against enjoyed something? Wouldn't that be awful? That's exactly it. Wouldn't that be a terrible crime if somebody that you were discriminating against enjoyed something? Wouldn't that be awful? That's exactly it. Wouldn't that be terrible? You'd be like, man.

You'd feel like you really need to discriminate against them as much as possible. Right. You'd have to discriminate harder. Yeah. And faster. And faster. And harder. And faster.

With more lather. With much more lather. So, Tom, that wraps it up for this episode. But I do want to mention that it is our great hope that we will be talking to Dale McGowan from the Foundation Beyond Belief. He just they just recently put on the Humanist at Work conference here in Chicago, which I was lucky enough to attend. And it was wonderful. And Dale put on a great, a great conference with a lot of great speakers. And we want to get sort of an after action report from him. And we're looking forward to talking to him about all the work that Foundation Beyond Belief does. So we're hoping that that's going to be next Monday's episode. But, you know, you know,

clearly schedules and things might might cause that some consternation. We're hoping that we can actually get him on the show, though. But until next time, we're going to leave everybody, as usual, with The Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment.

Leo, Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double speak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody.

Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. We'll see you next time.