Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 169: Sierra Leone Sriracha Sauce

Episode Date: August 11, 2014

 

Do you want to get cognitive dissonance streamed to your iPhone or Blackberry? If so, download Stitcher free today at Stitcher.com. Hey, glory homa, bitches. So, okay, check this out. Thought experiment. Deep shit coming at you. What would happen, okay, if you take those, like, sharp knife infomercials that you get on, like, TV at 2 a.m., right? infomercials that you get on, like, TV at 2 a.m., right?

And you put that kind of advertising in a Muslim country, like, within two weeks. If that, that day, that same day, they would be incorporating, like, the headings into their, sorry, it's awful. But it would be, like, part of the infomercial. You know, it would be like, hey, look how I cut through this tomato and the shoe is mucho faster. I don't know why they're Mexican. I don't do an Arabian voice.

All right, so it's a Mexican dude. But you get what I'm saying, okay? Somehow that seems more racist to make it. I don't know. Anyway, if I'm just... Look, it that seems more racist to make it, I don't know. Anyway, I'm just, look, it cut to the infidel in such a hurry. One infidel, two infidels. With 1999, you can cut your own infidels. Hi, Tom and Cecil. This is Jock, the scottie dog mascot from the Commonwealth Games. Remember, I'm calling in to apologise for being a wee cute harmless dog who somehow managed to offend

the Muslims at the Games and I'm just wondering if they'd like to apologise to me for hanging my friend Larry the Lamb upside down, slitting his throat and letting him breathe out painfully, slowly, while smumbling medieval platitudes over his twitchy, agonised, gripping body. Probably not. Up well. Scotty dogs. I'd probably love the show. See you by the noon.

You motherfucking asshole. I, uh... This is Mike in California again. As you probably remember or know, I am a television provider. I work for a television provider. And my Samsung Galaxy S5 does this funny thing. When I unplug my earphones, it plays for like 10 seconds after that. But for some reason this time around, it didn't play immediately.

So I get to my customer's house. I unplug my earphones, put it in my pocket, walk into the door, and then all you hear is a long black cock, a long black cock, a long black cock. Oh my God, I was

turning fucking red. So thank you and glory hole. The Bible says not to worship idols. But Carrie Underwood, I'll be damned. Jesus take the wheel because me and Carrie are climbing in the back. And that's a dream come true for Carrie because a nightmare is still technically a dream.

I think I hesitate to let Jesus take the wheel because his blood alcohol level has got to be through the roof. I only had two glasses of his blood and I'm fucked up. Back off, Jesus. I'm keeping my keys. Glory hole. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended.

The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording from glory hole studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 169 of Cognitive Dissonance. 69 of cognitive dissonance. And I think it's somewhat appropriate that this end in a 69, considering the last week that I have had.

Cecil, this is actually probably the safest show that we've ever recorded because we are now both sterile. We are. No matter what. We can't get each other pregnant now, Tom. That's true. It's true. No matter how hard we try. It's not going to happen. We can give each other AIDS, that's true yeah it's true it's uh no matter how hard we try it's not gonna happen we could give we can give each other aids but we can't no matter how much of a circle

jerk this show is we cannot no matter what it's not gonna happen now yeah it's not it's done so uh you know it's funny because uh yesterday i went and uh i had a vasectomy in the middle of the afternoon. Incidentally, Cecil, I didn't take the day off of work for it. Wait. I just figured. Did they come into your office? No. I was hoping they had like a mobile vasectomy unit.

Oh, yeah. It's like a hot dog cart. Right. You know, like food trucks, but just more horrifying, actually. Right. Yeah. But no, they didn't have that i was just fucking lazy and didn't want to burn a day so like went in for a half day and they just

fucked around on my email after the uh after the event during you're stuck while you were you emailing during no but i was right up until like i mean up until the moment that they came into the room i was answering an email actually wow and And then it's only like, the procedure only takes like 45 minutes to an hour, so it's like lunch break basically. And then boom, back on the phone. That's how we do it, man. Wow. But, you know.

See, I work in higher ed. I'd have taken off like three weeks for that. I figure it's going to be a shitty day. I may as well get paid for it. Yeah. You know, I mean, if I only have a finite number of paid days off, there's no way that I'm going to use a paid day off

to go have something fucking horrifying done to my genitals. Like, there's no way. There's no fucking way. And I want to goddamn check when this is done. Yeah, man. You're going to get some ball torture done. And I want to goddamn check when this is done. Yeah, man. You're going to get some ball torture done. And it did after it was done. You know, I did kind of look up and I was like, thanks, Obama.

Because, you know, this shit's fucking paid for now. It's 100%. Thanks, Obama. Is it really? Through the Affordable Care Act, the procedure is covered at 100% instead of the 80% or whatever that would have been covered at. Because it's a contraceptive procedure. So boom,

save fucking 20% on that motherfucker. It's 20%. I say 20% of my ball torture. That was great. But you know what? I, I got stuck sitting on the couch, which I'm not really very good at.

So, you know, you get stuck for a day or two, just kind of sitting around doing nothing. And, uh, did it make you testy? See what I did there?

So I got bored and I said, well, let's watch a movie. And so we rented Noah from Amazon, you know, the stream it or whatever service they have. We rented the movie Noah. And we're going to have to talk about that movie, Cecil. Yeah, well, I think we're going to do a—it's in the works right now. We're not sure if it's going to happen, but we're hopefully going to do a midweek show this next week, so it would be released sometime either Wednesday or Thursday. And it may, may have not only a noah in the that we'll be reviewing but it may also have another

noah from the scathing atheist joining us to uh tear that movie a new asshole so do you know what actually be a lot of fun instead of reviewing the movie noah we should actually review noah like we should have noah from scathing atheist on it just fucking review him that would be a fucking riot to do that actually i don't like your hair sir we just take them apart piece by piece evaluating and ranking him oh we'll call his wife and you know rank his sexual performance it'll be awesome um but you know i can safely say um and i'm not going to give out a whole lot of spoilers here but uh having a vasectomy is actually a more pleasant experience than watching Noah. It's just straight up fucking Noah the movie would not do again.

We do have some other nuts to talk about, though. I think we should. Now that we're talking about my nuts, we can talk about the world's nuts. You can talk about these nuts. You can talk about those nuts. You know, the best part about this is it's unfortunately gotten, you know, up to six of our listeners now, you know, out of the seven, you know, unfortunately picturing the very fact that I have genitals. So now I've fucking basically burned out their minds. They're doing a better job than you because you can't even see them.

I haven't seen them in years. I asked the doctor, I'm like, how's everything looking down there? Can you just hold up a mirror? Just help me out. It was actually like a series of mirrors, like fucking getting down to the bottom of an Egyptian tomb. It's like an Indiana Jones in shit. Right?

It's like you can bounce the chips. Right? It's like, just like you gotta bounce the light at like seven different angles just to reach your ball so they can do the surgery. Oh, man. I was just glad they found him, you know? And, uh... Did they charge you more for the search?

No, like, you know, the nice thing is I brought in my own, uh, I brought in my own man lift to hold my gargantuan belly up off of the procedure table. And you brought in your own bloodhounds to search out the... Sniff it out, dog. Sniff it out. Walking around with a jock of yours. It's like this dog has found fucking like an eighth of an ounce of marijuana in like a fucking two tons of fucking roast coffee. In like a shipping container.

Right. I mean, he struggled, but he got the job done. That's all I'm saying. This story comes from independent.co.uk. Outrage in Saudi Arabia at the appearance of female newsreader without headscarf on state television. Her hair. We can see her hair. It looks like the girl from Black Swan, doesn't it?

Yeah. We can see her hair. That looks like the girl from Black Swan, doesn't it? Yeah, she's, I mean, the thing is, like, she's actually, she's a pretty girl, I guess, and she's, you know, reading the news. And she's not wearing a fucking scarf on her beard. In her turtleneck. Right, I mean, but she's still, like, the total amount of flesh that you can see in this picture. Is, like, hands and face. Right, you can see her hands.

You can see her face. You can't even properly see her neck she's looking well not like wearing like a hoochie mama top or something right you know she's not like she's not like wearing nipple tassels out there this isn't playboy news yeah exactly it's not like story it's a different story um but yeah people are fucking i mean they're outraged they're outraged cecil because uh you gotta wear a headscarf and you gotta wear a veil and you gotta wear a fucking viking helmet you gotta wear a fucking look fucking motorcycle motocross jacket and a

fucking doctor's mask yeah and a gas mask like an old timey one like one of those creepy old timey gas masks you have to wear that all the time you actually it's getting to the point where you have to wear like you have to actually wear like a fucking full abrams tank yeah that's what you have to wear you have to be covered to the point where you actually cannot be you are so covered you cannot be penetrated not only by man but by small arms you know what you have to do

you have to take yourself and dip yourself in liquid latex all the way and then you can just take a toothpick and clear out your nose holes and that's it that's what you get you look like the tar baby you know god you know at some point does the doesn't the word outrage cease to be meaningful well you know

there's a lot of things that they can't do right they can't do a lot of things but one of the things they said is it's illegal for women to drive in saudi arabia and islamic codes for behavior address are strictly enforced by the religious... That's because their whole body's a blind spot. That's true, right? They have to have little mirrors on the side of their head, little concave mirrors,

so they turn very sharply. You know, it kind of sucks, too, because they can't even drive themselves to the grocery store and they're already wearing the fucking grocery sack. That's a cruel joke you're playing on those people. That's actually so they don't go to the grocery store because you could fucking hide a whole goddamn turkey in these clothes. You could clean out the fucking Safeway in 20 minutes.

Wasn't she not? This lady was in a British studio. She wasn't actually in saudi arabia no right it was just aired there it was it it was just fucking aired there so it's like they're upset that something happened in a different place that they were exposed to fuck man i mean can you imagine because like you know here's when i get upset i get upset when things happen in another place i get exposed to like when i find out that the fucking nut jobs in isis and iraq are beheading children like when i read that i'm like oh i'm outraged because that's fucking

horrible because you fucking that's an outrage worthy thing right you're like that's a fucking outrageous event like oh they're beheading children and putting their heads on spikes i can't i can't feel anything but hate and outrage suddenly we're in game of thrones that's great right i'm glad where's your dragon sir but it's not like it's not like oh man that woman in britain is not wearing a headscarf it's like it's because she's in fucking britain dude yeah she's in britain they're worried that the fucking that that they're going to get exposed to pictures they don't like but what the scriptures are anxious to say it's far more important that we be spiritually strong as a nation than that we'd be militarily strong it's not enough to be militarily strong if we are militarily strong but we are spiritually weak as

a nation we are going to go down and that's why it's critical, I believe, to have a commander in chief who is a Christian in chief first and then is our commander in chief. So this story comes from Charisma News. First Amendment, Christianity and Satanism. This is sort of the opposite, by the way, of like a Daily Mail headline where the Daily Mail headline tells you everything. And here they just like here's three words all right fair fair enough um so this is some bullshit by brian category it's almost like a category in a game show right it's like it's like uh you're playing jeopardy yeah it's like the first three are first amendment christianity satanism grab bag. Right, yeah. I'll take Satanism for 600.

You got the daily double. So this is a fucking nut job article by Brian Fisher. And it's sort of funny because it contends, what Brian Fisher is contending in this article is that the recent push by the Satanists, so the Satanists have basically latched on to the Hobby Lobby decision. They said, hey, look, if you can't make a corporation do something or provide a service because that service is against their closely held religious beliefs, then we as Satanists and they're using Satanism tongue in cheek. Right. But we as Satanists, we believe that people, all people should have access to scientifically accurate medical information.

And so as a result, the abortion laws that have been passed are, you know, they should be stricken down because they are in violation and we should not be held to them. So they're in violation of our sincerely held religious belief that scientifically accurate medical information be given to women. a sincerely held religious belief that scientifically accurate medical information be given to women. And Brian Fisher acknowledges that their argument is actually a good argument in this article. But then he goes on to say, Cecil, that, yeah, but when we said freedom of religion, what we really meant was Christianity only. And he doesn't even couch it. Like, he just says it like, yeah, but it's really just for Christians. Yeah.

And I mean, you know, you're looking over years and years and years worth of documents from the founding fathers from, you know, different areas. And basically you're saying, look, here's a deal. I found a couple of instances where maybe, you know, if you believe my argument, you'll believe this. I don't believe what he even writes anyway. So, um, so I'm not even going to approach it that way. The way I'm going to approach it is the way I approach all founding father stuff, which is who cares what the fucking founding fathers thought, who cares what we care about is what's happening now. You know, the founding fathers might've had an idea, but you know, we can change that idea if we think it's a better idea nowadays to do it a different way. We recognize that liberty and that freedom is important. It's an important aspect of our society as a whole.

And to have the freedom to practice your religion is very important, and clearly important to the Supreme Court as it stands. The freedom to practice your religion is very important. In fact, they think the freedom to enforce your religion on the people you employ is very important. So when we say, you know, we think that certain things are very important, the freedoms that we'd like are very important, it's not just one particular set of values is important. We think freedom itself is important. So I think it's easy to step away from what they said and say,

even if they did come right out and say Christianity, which they didn't, but let's say they did. I would be okay with saying, okay, well they said Christianity, but clearly there were no fucking Muslims here at the point. Clearly there were no Hindus here at that point.

Clearly there were no Buddhists. Clearly there were no Satanists. Clearly there were no Wiccans. Clearly there were no buddhists clearly there were no satanists clearly there were no wiccans clearly there were no humanists we need to pay attention to these subgroups because they're important subgroups too because everybody in america is important will you stop suggesting that the founding fathers were not political popes because i find that offensive we're unbelievably prescient right where they just they just fucking completely looked into the future and we're like yeah we know that the future is going to hold a bunch of different religions. We just don't give two fucks.

Why is that such a difficult concept? Like for like America is like obviously every nation has to have, you know, like their story. Right. Like it's the same thing as like every company now wants to have their founding story. You know, like we got founded in a garage and, you know, we had $15 and a bucket of rain, you know, rusty nails to our name. And we invented, you know, the Ferrari and the spaceship and we did it, you know, our way, blah, blah, blah. So like, but everybody wants to have like their origin story, you know, their, their how we began story. And I get why that's important. I get why that appeals to people. But I think there's something uniquely American about this, this just constant cock gobbling of the fucking founding fathers that is just mind numbing because what it does. And I totally agree with you, man. It stops people from having better conversations.

mired down in this bullshit about, you know, well, what did the founding fathers really say? And then you've got, you know, this ass hat, Brian Fisher on the one side, and you've got other people like pulling out the treaty of Tripoli and like they're fucking swinging their dicks around and they never stop and say, hey, you know what? Who gives a flying fuck? What do we think? Because we're in the here and now. I'm planning for my future. I'm planning for the world I want to build, the world I want to create, and the world that I want to pass down as a custodian to my children and children's children and your children, blah, blah, blah. Like, that's the mindset you have to have. This fucking, well, what did they think in 1776? Really, what were their thoughts nearly 300 fucking years ago?

When they were still trying to beat sickness out of you or whatever. Right. When the cure for schizophrenia was a fucking ice water bath. Yeah, exactly. And a fucking big mask had to wear on your face. In the name of Jesus, we speak that. I love this story and there's fucking nothing to it. It's fucking delightful.

I love this story and there's fucking nothing to it. It's fucking delightful. This comes from WFTXTV, Fort Myers, Fox affiliates. Church baptism fountain being used as a pool. I saw this, Cecil. My first thought was like, that's because your fucking baptism fountain looks like a swimming pool. It does look like a little waiting pool. You built it and it looks like a fucking big giant swimming pool. There's fucking, I'm counting them right now, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine people in this fucking baptism fountain.

How many people are you baptizing at one time? It's like the entire crowd of Lollapalooza. If you could just baptize them all together at one time. To be honest, though, the people at Lollapalooza probably should use this baptism font. Yeah, right? Well, the water wouldn't be so clear. Just get the patchouli off of you, for Christ's sake. There's like a fucking oil slick across the top of it.

After it's done, light it on on fire you're just like oh my god you know it's so funny because like the the way this all came to light and this is the part i think is funny is because a bunch of parents um reached out to the local community and they're like we just we really want to make sure that this pool is being properly maintained and the water is safe and the church was like that's not a pool wait a minute that's our jesus fountain i hope that they like turn the cross into a like their big cross into a jungle gym they're using they're using a crucified jesus as a floaty there's like three kids on it it's like oh man it's so convenient that this thing floats. It'd be fucking amazing to just

walk into a church with a fucking bunch of kids and like shithead teenagers and just treat it like a fucking jump zone. Just let them like play a dodge ball. Just running around like fucking crazy people fucking spilling goddamn pizza

and snow cone juice on everything. Their mouth is stuffed with communion wafers as they're running around, spitting them out. Fucking Nerf battles everywhere. That'd be crazy because, you know, you got to wonder too, because, you know, if you have a baptism font, you're just touching somebody to the water or whatever. This water's got to have some like pretty high levels of chlorine in it now, I would imagine, because you can't have like a public pool because, mean come on the kids are gonna poop and pee in the pool oh dude it are you kidding the thing is you can't even if you were never intending to use this as a

pool you can't have a big body of water this is thousands of gallons of water you can't have several thousands of gallons of water sitting around in the Florida fucking heat and expect it to be clear for seven minutes unless you dump all the chlorine in it. What if there's a gator in there? Then it'll be just like a regular Florida pool. What's the fucking difference? I think we got off the track when we allowed our government to become a secular government. When we stopped realizing that God created this nation, that he wrote the Constitution, that it's based on biblical principles. And we allowed those that don't believe in those things to keep pushing us, pushing us and pushing us away from the government. This story comes from the Friendly Atheist blog.

Republican whip sends Bible to every member of Congress to help them with their decision-making. I said that again. Republican whip sends Bible to every member of Congress to help them with decision-making. Dude, that's 400 and change Bibles. Isn't that 500 Bibles? Oh, come on. The Gideons do that shit with every fucking room and every hotel all across the country.

I wonder if he got them from a bunch of hotel rooms. That would be awesome if he stole them all from the hotels. Oh, if he fucking stole a bunch of Gideon Bibles? Oh, that would be the best. That would be spectacular. So, you know, it's like, and he sent this fucking shithead letter. Let me read part of the shithead letter.

I find that the best advice comes through meditating on God's word. Please find a copy of the Holy Bible to help guide you in your decision making. This copy is blah, blah, blah, blah. To help guide you in your decision making, Cecil. What the fuck? Has there ever been a time where you've been like, man, I wonder what the Bible says about corn subsidies? What should we do about corn subsidies? You know, it's interesting because Russia just passed a law preventing import of goods as part of their response to the sanctions that have been leveled against them for their actions in the Ukraine.

So I wonder what the Bible has to say about Russian import law. Yeah. Oh, fucking nothing. Because it's a useless Bronze Age book of stories. There's not even like a good recipe in it. Right? It's not even like, it's not, you can't even relegate it to like a cookbook. Yeah. What should we have for dinner? Oh,'t know unleavened bread i'm making this wonderful ark it's delicious i've stuffed it i've stuffed it with two of every animal it's made a fantasy

yeah i mean like there's there's there's nothing in there that would be... I mean, you know, yeah, there's probably a few things in there that you could look through and be like, oh, this is exactly how you're supposed to do it. Like, let's say that the people on Capitol Hill were trying to make sure they didn't sully the tent of meeting and they fucking sacrificed their fucking crow the right way. Then, yeah, they could probably fucking...

They could probably look to the bible for help you know yeah make sure you throw the guts on the fucking left side of the altar and fucking burn this shit in a fucking burnt offering to the lord or else fucking he's gonna curse you and the rest of your fucking family forever what to do with a gelded ram let me see gelded ram i mean like what fucking decision like seriously is there a single fucking even like the most recent like that you know where obama's like yeah we got to fucking call in limited airstrikes on the fuckheads in in iraq you know like that's a that's a complicated decision it's a tough decision to make what does the bible have to say about that shit has fucking

nothing to say about anything in the modern world nothing at all like look up fucking grab the fucking index of your recent fucking bible and pop it open and look for airstrikes yep not you know well the thing is is like like because there's so much just vague metaphorical bullshit in the book that they can basically pull whatever the fuck they want out of it to talk about whatever situation that they want out of it to talk about whatever situation that they want. They do it with all different kinds of things already. And we see this, you know, weekly, we see them doing that sort of thing. So this is really just a reminder to show people like, look, I'm just letting you know, all of us over here on this

side, we think it's a Christian nation. So that's not going anywhere yeah this is i mean honestly this is the exact same way that fortune cookies work yeah it's the same method it is astrology yeah same thing as astrology you're fucking your your whatever the fuck that uh horoscopes yeah in the paper it's the same way yeah but you know that you know what the difference between fortune cookies in the bible you can eat a fortune cookie. It's fucking useful. It's not delicious, but it's useful. I'm Raymond Massey,

and I have a special message for senior citizens. Today's doctors, drugs, and medical devices truly work medical miracles for young and old alike. But there are some as phony as a $3 bill. Investigate before you invest in health services or products. Help stamp out quackery. So this story comes from sciencebasedmedicine.org, and I want to apologize because I had posted a link this week to a different story. I had posted a link to this essential oils, multi-level marketing page. And they were selling their oils. They were advertising their oils for use to prevent Ebola. And I guess I wasn't the only one who stumbled across this

particular page. And so it kind of blew up all over the place and they password protected it. And so by the time I had actually posted it on Facebook and Twitter, the link was no good anymore. And the site's now password protected only for the members of their pyramid scam. So you can't actually see it unless you want to get like all your friends and family to fucking rub peppermint oil on your face or something i kind of do it but it's popping up all over so anyone who's you know alive pretty

much right now knows that uh there's an ebola outbreak in in west africa it's the worst ebola outbreak in the history of the disease it's spreading you know from uh country to country and about i don't know like 17 1800 people have been infected i think at this point so um this of course cecil calls all the fucking nuts to arms at this point like they're fucking rubbing essential oils on themselves to prevent themselves from getting goddamned ebola yeah panic really is sort of the quack invitation isn't it like it's when the panic starts to hit. And it really I mean, I was watching I was I was at the movie theater last night and the movie theater I go to has like this sort of adult section at the top where you can

just go away and like you're at this like sort of bar area and there's a bunch of TVs and I'm looking at the TVs and, you know, there's like talk shows and what going on but there's one TV in the corner that's showing this footage and then they cut to like shit that's happening in like Gaza and then they show like Syria and the destruction I'm just thinking like this is like a fucking end of the world film reel they have here you know what I mean like you see these people in the fucking in the rubber ducky outfits the fucking Ebola people they're like completely fucking wrapped up as tight as possible in these outfits i mean you've seen these people right like with the duct tape all over them and they're like completely like like as fucking hermetically sealed as you can be and still be breathing right these people are completely fucking wrapped up

and ebola is a terrifying disease. It's something we don't really have a fucking handle on. And then you get like idiots like fucking Donald Trump, who's just like, here's the thing. I'm just going to say some shit. And then it gets fucking. Did you see how many retweets one of these got? The fucking 2300 retweets for this? I know.

You know, and it's so funny because it's obviously a total lack of information about Ebola. Like Ebola is a scary disease, but Ebola is not passed, you know, by breathing. It's not like you cough in a room and the next guy gets fucking Ebola. Like Ebola is spread through contact with body fluids. So it's spread through contact with, you so it's spread um by through contact with you know semen sweat or blood you can't get ebola from shaking somebody's hand it's not how it works one of the reasons that it spreads through west africa with such virulence is that there's a there's a practice at funerals where people go up and they kiss the dead they kiss the forehead or

the cheek of the dead person well if you're putting your fucking a mucus membrane of your mouth on the fucking forehead of somebody who just had a fucking hemorrhagic fever and that's how they died that's an awesome way to spread that's unclean oh okay i'll stop doing that i was i've been kissing dead people all week i didn't realize no no you can still kiss the dead. Just don't use tongue. Yeah. It's like licking their face off. It's like, ah. It's just so funny. It's like the guy is like, he doesn't know fucking anything about anything.

Yeah. He doesn't even know how to fucking fake having hair properly. Yeah. And people fucking listen to this guy. Did you see? Down at the bottom of this, there's this Facebook post from nurses against the mandatory vaccines. That's a thing, by the way, a Facebook group called that. What the fuck is that? And I like there's somebody who comments at the very bottom says forced vaccination is part of the government's plan.

It's best to look for another career nurses just in case. And the person who wrote the article says, I actually agree with the last commenter. If you're a nurse and anti-vaccine, you're in the wrong career. Fuck yeah, you are. Absolutely, man. You're just going to spread bad information.

You're in a position of authority and you're spreading bad information. You know, and unfortunately, Trump's in the same position, right? For whatever fucking crazy celebrity cock-gobbling reason, I don't understand. People love that guy, and they do look up to him as an authority. You know, I think the reason why they look up to him about the Ebola thing is that he looks like he survived Ebola. Trust me, I've had all the diseases.

I've had every disease. I had them all put in a cocktail, and I drank it once. What do you want? I drank the effort to cease. I had them all put in a cocktail and I drank it once. What do you want? I drank the whole fucking thing. You know, Cecil, that thing about the fucking essential oils, I really wish you could have seen it. Because it was like, yeah, you should use fucking thieves oil and this other thing. And it's like, wait a minute. Slow down.

Yeah. Thieves oil was the oil mixture that was used, the essential oil mixture, at least this is what it's purported to be, that was used by people robbing tombs so that they didn't catch the fucking diseases of the graves and things. They didn't catch the diseases of that. Well, that sounds old-timey. Right? Like, that's what you're fucking banking it on?

You're banking it on a fucking bunch of degenerates who are fucking grave robbing your grandma. You know what you need to do is rub horse feces on your face. Right. You know what? We should just worry about which one of the humors is causing Ebola and then exterminate all the cats in our city. Hold on. I've pinpointed it.

It's all of the humors. It's all the humors. God, this shit makes me so crazy, man. Fucking essential. And you know they're selling fucking buckets of these oils, man. They're selling this shit in buckets to a bunch of fucking dipshit suburban moms who are going to fucking lather up their unvaccinated kids with a bunch of goddamn tea tree oil. Yeah, well, and it's scary, right? You see it on TV like I was seeing the night I saw that shit on TV and I was like, fuck,

that's scary. It looks terrifying. Fuck yeah. So I'm going to be motivated after I leave the place to at least think about it. At least it's going to motivate me to think about what's going on over there. And then if somebody if I'm in a vulnerable I'm, I'm in a vulnerable state, then I'm in a vulnerable state of mind. I'm in a vulnerable state because I'm worried.

And all you have to do is just pinpoint that worry as one of these fucking quacks. And you can, you can build fucking a ton of money out of people because, you know, and it's the same thing happens when people panic about, you know, we talked to Bob Blaskowitz about what happens with Brzezinski and those other places and whatnot. But, you know, it's really about panic because, you know, Brzezinski isn't treating treatable cancers.

He's treating untreatable cancers. Right. He's not going after. He's not like, oh, I got a fucking cure for Lou Garrett. Oh, I don't know which one. It was leukemia. There's one of them like leukemia ones. They're pretty survivable.

Right. He's not going after those. He's going after ones like, it's stage four pancreatic cancer. Right. So people, no matter what, they're just fucking completely panicked. And they will sell everything they own to try to get a piece of staying alive. And the

same thing here. This is not something that, you know, that you just have an answer for. It's not like you can walk in and be like, oh, you have this thing. Well, all you need to do is take X, whatever that is. And I'm sure there's plenty of different things out there that I could, you know, point you to. I'm not a doctor, so I don't know which one, but I'm sure that there's plenty of, you have this, here's a this, you know, they don't have, there is nothing for this. There's, there's, what there is, is, um, you know, they, they try to, uh, they try to separate the people out.

They try to keep people away from each other. They try not to fucking dip their fucking hot wings in the person's blood and eat them. You know, different things. Extra Ebola-y? Oh, shit. It's a new flavor at Buffalo Wild Wings. Nigerian jerk sauce. Oh, God, that's disgusting.

Sierra Leone sriracha sauce. It's just like fucking Ebola. You really got to just drag your Texas toast through that, too. Oh, my God. know yeah that's good stuff no but you know clearly you know there's there's there's ways to there's ways to you know keep it away from from humans and then you know the fucking the thing is is like you're also the worst part about this is you're giving people a false sense of confidence right so the way in which to prevent you from getting it is to not fucking dip your bread on their face you know what i mean like

you know don't kiss the dead and don't you know practice these safe practices don't fucking get near their sweat or their fucking blood you know when they're fucking bleeding out the eyes nose face and throat you know you want to stay away from that stuff so but now what happens if i fucking rub this thieves oil on myself and then i'm like well i'm protected no problem right face and throat, you know, you want to stay away from that stuff. So, but now what happens if I fucking rub this thieves oil on myself? And then I'm like, well, I'm, I'm protected. No problem. Right. You're actually helping spread it even more. Yeah, man. And you know, it's funny because one of the things that occurs to me is, you know, for a lot of advertising, they sell you fear first, right? And then they sell you the solution to that fear. Whether it's a mild fear, like how

are you going to get that fucking grass stain out of your clothes? Oh, fuck. I hadn't thought of that. Oh, here's how you get that grass stain out of your clothes. Like, oh, yay. It's awesome in a situation like this for these people because the media is doing all the fear selling. So they only have to concentrate their marketing efforts on the back half of the transaction. It's almost like somebody's saying like, like yeah i'll pay half for all your commercials oh sweet that's a great deal he's gonna pay half for all my commercials you're gonna generate the fear because ebola's fucking scary we're gonna generate the fear and then all i have to do is just propose my bullshit as the solution and really like with eb you're not going to get around to suing me

if I'm wrong. It's not like you're going to be like, I had Ebola. I'm feeling a lot better now, though. I had Ebola and I wrote some fucking... I'm good. Yeah, I recovered from SIDS and now I recovered from Ebola.

Right, yeah. Full recovery. Full recovery. Amazing. So, the Washington Post also has a story recovered from Ebola. Right, yeah. I'm just doing great. Full recovery. Full recovery. So the Washington Post also has a story related to Ebola, not surprisingly. God is angry with Liberia, local religious leaders say, blaming Ebola on homosexualism. What? Is that a thing?

That's a thing now, yeah. So no surprise, it took approximately like six seconds, I think, for people to blame the Ebola outbreak on homosexuals because Ebola has nothing to do with your sexuality at all. There's a I guess it's a not safe for work picture down near the bottom. There's a dead body on the street. But, you know, it's crazy to see like a dead body on the street um but you know it's crazy to see like a dead body in the street right like because you always see like then the movies in those like outbreak type movies or whatever there's like a dead body you're like how the fuck did you get in the street how the fuck did that happen like aren't you like sick at home and then they're like you just die at home right and like you see like watch the stand or whatever and there's

people in their cars and they're just dead. And you're like, well, where the fuck were you going? I'm out of here. You're fucking sick. You're fucking bleeding out of your face. Where are you going? But instead, like, like, I guess that's a thing. I stand corrected.

There isn't a dead man in the street. All right. Fair enough. I guess you just feel busy when you're going to die. I don't know. Look, brother, you got errands to run. You got errands to run. You got to get to the post office and get stamps.

They're not going to get themselves. What kind of pussy ass case of Ebola stops you from going to get your fucking shit done? Exactly. Oh, yeah. My organs are liquefying. What fucking ever, dude. Get your shit done exactly exactly oh yeah my organs are liquefying what fucking ever dude get your shit done a hard-working ass motherfucker that's the thing you know the the talk about the gays you know basically it's it's homosexualism is causing the the uh ebola crisis you're just

like okay well i would believe you if only homosexuals got ebola i would believe you if only homosexuals got Ebola. I would believe you if only people who supported, you know, gay rights got Ebola. Yeah, I would believe you. And the bigots were like, I'm fine. I'm fucking protected by my layer of bigotry. Right. Nothing can get through it. Bigot forces unite. Form like a bigot shield.

Like the Ebola virus is trying to get through. It's like, fuck, he's a bigot. We can't penetrate his bigot shield like the ebola virus is trying to get through it's like fuck he's a bigot we can't penetrate his bigot armor nothing we could do we tried like the fucking ebola virus like goes back to report to its ebola captain it's like captain we can't there's nothing we've tried everything they're routing our forces at every turn he's imp impregnable. His anus is too tight. Is he from Kentucky? He is, sir. There's nothing we can do. We've been defeated.

So we're going to take a break and give you all the information that you need to become a patron of the show. And we'll return in just a moment. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts.

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basis. If you can't spare any money, take a second to give us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher, or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and So this story comes from the Daily Beast. Reagan book is the latest conservative fail. This is the Facebook Cecil for Patriots. Reagan book. I don't wait. What? Yeah, man.

Evidently, like because we all know, like the conservatives are, you know, they're constantly being marginalized despite being close to 50 percent of the population, if not more sometimes. So they're always being marginalized. So they have to eschew the popular social media sites and websites like Wikipedia. So now they have Conservapedia. And Facebook, with its obvious bias, obvious liberal bias, where anybody can have a page, somehow that's biased. Anyway, there's now a Reagan book. I don't think you understand what bias means.

Right. You just gave up. Like, you started reading the dictionary. You got through say that. You just gave up. Like, you started reading the dictionary, you got through A, and then you gave up. You did not get to B. It's so funny, too,

because I read this story, like, so they're starting the fucking Facebook for idiots, like the conservative Facebook, whatever. Yeah, it's like conservapedia for... Yeah, right.

But it's like, you know, some of the most fucking, most vitriolically hate-filled right-wing bullshit I have ever encountered in my life has been on Facebook. Me too. I mean, nobody would fucking possibly say to me some of the crazy ass shit that I have had said to me on Facebook. Nobody. Like nobody. I could be fucking I could be driving through Oklahoma with a fucking dick in my butt i was just gonna say

with a dick in your ass and a fucking sign that says like i fucking love black people and mexicans and you're basically hiding behind a glory hole the entire time and i still would not i mean i'd be killed but i still would not have the fucking horrible shit that I have had spewed at me on Facebook in person. Like, that is, like, at some point when you're like, oh, God, it's just not conservative enough. Yeah, I know. Why Reagan book? Like, what is that? Fucking, they love Reagan, dude.

They do love Reagan. You know, it's funny. I've been reading a book, and this book is by C.J. Wellerman. And it talks about it's like Republicans can't be atheists, I think is the name of it. And it's our hope to have him on the show in the future, actually. And I was I was reading it and talking about like the Reagan policies. And and it's interesting to see sort of like kind of, you know, two sides of Reagan, because clearly the right loves him. The right just loves that they love him to death. And then you get a chance to sort of see, you know, there's

another set of statistics that, you know, the right doesn't want to talk about. And there's a lot of statistics that come out that like, he kind of fucked the economy, kind of did some pretty bad shit. And and they just seem to forget that They just conveniently forget all the bad stuff because we're far enough away from it where now all there is left is hero worship. And so, you know, we have this thing from Reagan book. And, you know, you've got to think, too. It's like, you know, if you're going to write, you could do like a Facebook clone. Isn't Facebook going to take you to fucking like to court? Yeah, maybe.

But maybe they would just look at this and just shake their fucking heads. You know what i mean it's like this is like if if your fucking pit bull gets attacked by a fucking blind retarded one-legged nine-year-old chihuahua yeah right like the at some point the dog's like look man i could fucking eat you look man don't make me do this right right like like just like looks down like opens like one massive eye and is like i will fuck you up that's it it's just over it's done the very best part of this article though is the troll stuff that's going on in this it's so funny because evidently as soon as they open this shit up fucking a bunch of trolls jumped on with names like ben gazi and Alzheimer's.

And then the best, the very best is they have a picture. And it really does look like Facebook. I mean, it looks exactly like Facebook. And to like one of the pages on there is Ronald Reagan's titties. And I want to tell you a couple of the likes. One of them is King Obama, which is hilarious. Somebody King Obama. And then the other one is

Gristle McThornbody. And Gristle McThornbody is a line from a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode called Space Mutiny, which if you like Mystery Science Theater and you haven't seen Space Mutiny, it's one of the funniest ones ever. But somebody got the

name Gristle McThornbody. It's so great., which is fucking awesome. And then they wound up finding a page called Ronald Reagan's Titties, and they liked it. And I think that is absolutely delightful. There is nothing in this, and the best part is that the page is categorized as monarch. So Ronald Reagan's titties are a monarch. Everything in that, Tom, is absolutely delightful. I know, man.

I do love so much that the trolls just attack this shit. It's just like, wait a minute. Because you know what this is? This is like when we were kids, you know, and we were going to fucking vandalize the fucking weird neighbor. Yeah. And we had to actually go out of the house and fuck with the weird neighbor. Now you're like, hey, it just spreads.

It's like, have you seen Reagan book? And someone's like, whoa, I can do horrible things to this. Somebody clearly loves this. I'm going to shit on it. It's the internet. Yeah. loves this. I'm going to shit on it. It's the internet. I can't

do anything about me coming on here and making a page called Ronald Reagan's titties. That is just fucking I am smiling ear to ear. I cannot help myself but smile at that. That is absolutely wonderful. Let me tell you something Alan. If America

continues to reject the mercy of the Christian cross, America will live under the tyranny of the Islamic sword. So this story comes from Right Wing Watch. Brian Fisher agrees with ISIS that the Yazidis are devil worshippers, and that's why Obama is defending them. Brian Fisher is the biggest fucking bag of assholes. He's an entire bag all by himself. He's the whole bag. He's just a fucking animated bag of assholes.

He's like a revolving door of assholes. That's what he is. You know, you cannot, you seriously, you cannot follow, even at a distance, the fucking unbelievable horrors that ISIS is wreaking across Iraq and syria it's un-fucking-believable are they making people listen to brian fisher it's almost that bad it's almost thankfully they behead most of them before they before they play it

wipe the sweat off your brow there i know man because it's like getting close to being untenable. I'm telling you. Well, let's subject our listeners to Brian Fisher right now. This is Brian Fisher from his dipshit Brian Fisher show, whatever it is, American Family Association, Brian Fisher bullshit. And we're going to do a couple of clips. Eight-field screeds across America. Eight-field screed. Here's his focal point clip. Now he's taking us right back into iraq fighters dropping bombs

i came to drop bombs crimes then the bible's got psalms even as we speak and we'll talk about why president obama now has decided to go back into Iraq, and it's because ISIS, the Muslim militants, are slaughtering devil worshipers. So President Obama, we'll get to the details as the program develops, President Obama bringing the full weight of the American military into Iraq now, after months and months and months of begging from the Iraqi government. Now he's going in there because devil worshippers.

What? God. Everything is fucking factually wrong with that. I know. Like every single thing that he said is fucking just factually wrong with that. And I'm not going to go through and rehash the politics because other people have done a better job of it. But there's fucking no devil worshipers in Iraq. How long do you think your fucking lifespan would be in Iraq as a devil worshiper?

It's not like you could be like, oh, yeah, what do you do? I would totally meet you over at the mosque, but I've got to worship the devil, so I'm kind of busy like you would not make it seven minutes yeah and you know the other thing too is i mean it's just the idea of a devil worship such is the stupidest idea ever right like who is gonna go out of their way to be like i would like to willingly be evil yeah you know because we're not talking about satanism here we're not talking about because you know the the satanists will always talk about how they're about freedom and they're about this other, you know, the other stuff that they're about.

I don't even care what they're about. So please don't send us your letters. Please, please, please don't, don't, don't, don't do it. But, you know, clearly this is, he's saying devil worshipers, right? He's saying these are people who are like fucking, it's like that fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger movie where he fights the devil. Right. And there's like a league of people who actually are actively evil human beings who are trying to bring a real devil onto Earth. You know what I mean? Like like it's like fucking Rosemary's baby. You're just like that's not a real thing that happened.

No, man, it's not a real thing. And you couldn't you couldn't even you can't even stop for and think, like, rationally that something like that could happen. How could you have a community of people where all of the people were evil? You cannot have a community of evil people. That's just not, like, those things don't work. It'd be like, hey, you want to buy my goods and services? Fuck you, I'll rape and kill your mother. Like, oh, yeah, I, you want to buy my goods and services? Fuck you. I'll rape and kill your mother.

Like, oh, yeah, I'm evil, too. So I'll shoot you in the face. Like, it would just fall apart like immediately. Right. Yeah. Like, it doesn't make any sense. Plus, nobody would worship the devil. Like, I've said it before on the show.

Like, devil worship doesn't make any sense because if you believe in a devil, like a satanic devil, a devil like an actual evil evil thing then that means that you're like you're a christian like or you have a different faith because it comes from something right it's not like i think there's like a theology of just like the inherent goodness of the devil because it was inherent goodness it wouldn't be the devil it just doesn't make any sense like it's like theologically inconsistent with itself it's's fucking jib jab, man. And it's not why fucking Obama's fucking doing limited fucking airstrikes in Iraq. Maybe it is.

You don't know. I don't know, dude. Our under attack. When Christians were under attack, they've been fleeing for months. They've been beheaded. They've been crucified by the side of the road. They've been told to convert, submit, or die. When they convert, their wives are taken to become Islamic wives for the Muslims who have forced them to submit.

And nothing, nothing from this White House. Miriam Abraham, Christian woman in a rat hole of a prison in Sudan, shackled to the wall, forced to give birth in this prison, shackled to the wall. Nothing from President Obama. Saeed Abedini, Iranian pastor in a hellhole of a jail prison in Iran. Nothing from President Obama. But they go after devil worshipers. All of a sudden, the entire weight of the United States government sent in there to relieve them.

You know, the thing is, you know, you know, I think he's right. The reason why is the devil worshipers have a nice big red phone and they use that to call. It's like it's like calling Commissioner Gordon on the old timey Batman. Right. It's like a flip top devil head to get to the phone. They all get it. They pull it out.

It's a big ass red phone even though like you're living in fucking you know like barbaric fucking 14th century squalor on the side of a mountain in fucking nowhere iraq you still have like a fucking brass like bust of the devil whose head swivels and has a fucking telephone line directly to obama that's how it works well sure yeah just fucking how it works and clearly the the difference in power all across, it's like they're like the Masons, right? There's like this sort of secret brotherhood of devil worshipers,

and clearly Obama is one of those people, along with, you know, so you have the highest of the high, which is Obama, who clearly has all the power and the weight of the American military and can basically decide where that goes, even though that's not technically true. And no, that's not. And then there's like these lowly guys in Iraq who are devil worshippers being attacked by ISIS.

You know, and, you know, clearly Obama feels a kinship with those people. Right. And that's why he's bringing the the full weight of the American military in the form of limited airstrikes. Yeah. I mean, he's basically it's not airstrikes. They're just landing planes on him because it bringing the full weight of the American military in the form of limited airstrikes. Yeah. I mean, basically, it's not airstrikes. They're just landing planes on them because it's the full weight. It's the full weight. Yeah. They're just fucking dropping from like fucking C-130s, just anvils.

It's fucking like old school style, like Wile E. Coyote shit. Exactly. People get hit and then they have like a huge bump that gets on their head and goes through the anvil. The only solution is to press it back down. Just press it back down and it comes out somewhere else. And it doesn't mean that there aren't groups of people in this country that I have sympathy for. I do. And there are kids that were brought into this country by their parents unknowing that they were breaking the law.

And they will say to me and others who defend the rule of law, we have to do something about the 11 million. And some of them are valedictorians. Well, my answer to that is, and then by the way, their parents brought them in. It wasn't their fault. It's true in some cases, but they aren't all valedictorians. They weren't all brought in by their parents. For everyone who's a valedictorian, there's another hundred out there that they weigh 130 pounds and they've got calves the size of cantaloupes because they're hauling 75 pounds

of marijuana across the desert. This story's also from Right Wing Watch. It's fucking super weird. Michelle Bachman worries that unaccompanied children will be used for medical experiments. We just got, that's it. That's all you need to say. Let me just play with you.

I'm already choking back the vomit crazy here we go here's this is michelle bachman from wall builders live uh wall builders live huh what a welcoming show that is that wall builders live yeah here we go i wonder what their topics are She had to take a black before she could speak. I wonder if they're going to talk about immigration. No, no. From wall builders? Let's hear. Imposib. A foster child, by definition, is a ward of the state. We have 400,000 foster children in this country. And now President Obama is trying to bring all of the foreign nationals,

the illegal aliens to the country. And he has said that he will put them in the foster care system. Well, I will tell you from personal experience, we don't have enough foster parents now in the country for the kids in America. We certainly don't have enough foster parents for all of the illegal aliens that the president is trying to bring in right now but again that's more kids that you can see how no we can't imagine doing this yeah but if you have a hospital and they are going to get millions of dollars in government grants if they can conduct medical research on somebody. And a ward of the state can't say no.

A little kid can't say no if they're a ward of the state. No matter what. I mean, if you push their face and contort it so that their lips are apart, they just can't say it. They literally cannot say no. Well, what government contract gives millions of dollars to hospitals to experiment on little kids what country are we living in i know like is it all like is this fucking 1943 in germany at this point the fuck is going on as if that's the thing cecil it's like she says it as if that's like something like hospitals, like hospital workers are out there and they're like, like fucking roaming the streets, like picking up fucking unattended children for their fucking evil hospital experiments.

Like, like that evil fucking black trench coated kidnapper from Advocate Christ Hospital. Wait, what? Well, what are they testing on them, too? Like, that's the other thing, too, is, like, what are they, just, like, fucking, like, randomly amputating limbs just for the fun of it? Just like, oh, man, I got this great contract to amputate limbs off of another human being. And there's nothing to, I mean, that's it. That's it.

That's it. You know what it is? Basically. They just pull them off like fucking kids playing with flies. And there's nothing, I mean, that's it. That's it. That's it. You know what it is? Basically. They just pull them off like fucking kids playing with flies. They're just like, pluck. Ha ha ha. Exactly. And I don't even think hospitals do a tremendous amount of research.

Like most of the research is done by like the NIH and the CDC and the fucking university health system. Universities, yeah. And fucking pharmaceutical. Like actual hospitals are in the business generally of treating patients i think that's wandering around kidnapping orphans you know this is like she lives in such a dick and ask world you know what i mean it's crazy little kid walks up there and he's got one prosthetic limb.

He's like, please, sir, can I have some more? You know, what I marvel at, though, Tom, is that this is two stories in a row where somebody just says whatever they want. With no basis in fact. Not at all. Not whatsoever. I mean, they could just be like, and Obama, he shoots Ebola rays out of his eyes. Okay, that's cool. There's nine more seconds.

I'm just curious who she says anything else. So here you could have this institution getting millions of dollars from our government to do medical experimentation, and a kid can't even say no, it's sick. Follow the money. What money? What imaginary fucking monopoly economy are you fucking talking about, where the government just gives hospitals millions of dollars to perform experiments on orphans. Oh, God.

I love that at the end of the day, he says that cliche. It's like, follow the money. He doesn't know what else to say. You seriously, like, that's the thing. He's like, I have no idea what to say to this woman right now. Hey, platitude. It's fucking amazing. Oh, man.

Follow the money. I love fucking. It's like, we love the free market, but. Yeah, we love the free market, but we hate the free market. Isn't she also making a case that, like, life sucks in America? So these kids would be better off living elsewhere it's true too like she's like hey look i know that you fucking made this unbelievably dangerous arduous journey across central america through mexico probably by rail with a fucking low

expectation of of fucking surviving the trip to cross dangerously, probably at night through dozens of miles of inhospitable desert. But I gotta tell you what, you wouldn't believe the shit we're gonna do to you here. If you thought that was bad, the shit that it's gonna have, the shit storm in Southern Ohio, you cannot

understand. Look out, look out. Because, you know, you gotta basically submit to fucking Dr. Franken out. Because you've got to basically submit to fucking Dr. Frankenstein. When you go into the hospital, there's those huge fucking big lightning rods that the lightning

shoots through. The top opens up like a fucking giant terrarium so the fucking table can lift up to the sky and present better to the... Exactly. And they just kill the kids and put the parts on different ones and see if they can raise them back up. I mean, that's just how it works. Every time you walk into a hospital, like I'm sure you've seen it,

like you walk in, there's like the reception and registration area. And then there's like the dozens and dozens of giant vats of formaldehyde with dead kids in them just like floating there. And every nurse has a humpback. Follow me, sir. Sorry, I'll be following the money. Thank you very much.

I would be following you if your name is the money. The money. So we want to thank all of our patrons but we specifically want to thank our newest patrons chrissy nile joanna sakura gruff david natasha and jonathan thank you all so much for donating your hard-earned dollars go a long way to making sure the show is possible, and we appreciate all of our patrons, so thank you all very much. And we are very soon going to be scouting a place right now to find a place that is suitable for our picnic that we're going to be having,

which we're hoping will go off this year. It's our plan to have it either late September, early October. We will keep you informed as time goes on, but the announcement for that's probably going to be near the end of the month, and then we'll basically be accepting RSVPs to it. Another thing that we're going to try to do, Tom, is we're going to try to see if we can maybe set up a volunteer day based on that right beforehand. So you would come out, maybe if you wanted to, you didn't have to do both, but if you wanted to do both,

you could volunteer your time. We're hoping to maybe do something with like the Chicago Food Depository and it'll be a couple hours. And then we would basically just head out to the picnic area and just go and have a picnic afterwards. So it would be a little bit of volunteer work and then a little bit of hanging out, drinking some cognitive dissonance brews and eating some cognitive dissonance burgers and, uh,

some store bought veggie burgers. Yeah. I'm not making fucking homemade. I know. Veggie. Veggie burgers. A homemade veggie burger is fucking lettuce yeah you know what i mean like like at that point it's like lettuce in a bun lettuce i was talking to somebody recently we're

having a conversation about um you know it's okay to try to make burger like items right and be like okay this is a vegan burger or vegetarian burger because it's basically chopped up stuff sort of in a patty like shape. And then you cook it and it, you know, it, maybe it tastes like a burger. Maybe it doesn't taste like a burger, but in any case, it's a burger like item, right? That's okay to try to do. But when they try to be like, I ate a vegan filet mignon and you're like, no, you didn't. No, no, you did not. There's nothing like that. There's nothing you can do that can make it like that. I get that you didn't no no no you did not there's nothing like that there's nothing you can do that can make it like that i get that you don't want to eat meat that's cool but don't

pretend to eat a steep t-bone steak yeah i love when it's like oh man i had the the whatever and it was just as good it's like it might have been good it might have been good but mine had bacon and suffering so man i went to a vegan restaurant one time and it was the worst experience i've ever had it was so bad oh it was terrible it's so funny because i ordered what i thought they'd be good at right i was like oh well i'll get a vegetable thing i'm just gonna fucking let's just fucking do this we'll get a vegetable thing so i ordered this like it's like a potato tart, right? It had like leeks and potatoes and it was in this like little tiny, and it, and this is a gluten free restaurant too, if you wanted it.

But this one clearly had gluten. It's like puff pastry type like stuff. And it was made in this tartlet little form and it came out and I tasted it. It was the most bland shit I ever had. So I took it home and the next day I come in and I look in the fridge and it's gone. I had gone somewhere during the day and I was like, I asked my wife, I'm like, what'd you do with it? Did you eat that? Cause clearly it was not good. And she's like, oh yeah, I ate it. I was like, you ate it? And she's like, yeah, we had a little bit of salt pork left over in the

fridge. I sauteed that up and threw it on top and it was delicious. Yeah. Well, I, the thing is like, that's a good substrate right like that's like the canvas yeah but you still have to paint on the fucking thing it's not a good place to eat but in any case we're looking forward to having that uh vegan uh barbecue vegan friendly barbecue it will be a real barbecue we will barbecue foods various foods we got a message from wt and wt says um i like how he spelled my name here he says hi tom and cecil and he spells it with two e's i love that i love that they don't pronounce it that way i think it's hilarious that it's somehow mispronounced overseas in all the other countries i know it's like it's like the metric system it's it's hilarious that it's somehow mispronounced overseas in all the other countries

i know it's like it's like the metric system it's it's like how they drive on the wrong side of the road right yeah like dumb bastards i mean no offense uh he says uh i just wanted to say how much i enjoy the show unfortunately this compliment is in lieu of donation he can't afford it right now being out of work yeah you know look clearly uh we love it when we get mail like this because it just shows like, you know, people really do enjoy the show and it makes us feel good that you like it. Um, you know, the, the, the money that people give us, we're always, you know, super happy for, and we're always, we always want to thank those people, but we also want to thank people just for listening and just for enjoying and, and, and sharing it with other people. So thank you for listening, and we hope it gives you something.

You know, clearly it's a bad time if you're out of work, so hopefully it gives you a little bit of humor in your life where maybe there might be a little less now. Yeah, we'd hate for anybody to feel guilty because they can't donate to the show. If you can donate, great. If you can't donate, that's okay, too. We're glad to have you as a listener. I'm always shocked at this, Tom.

We have scientists who listen to our show. You know, I've thought about that a little bit. It's like doctors and like scientists. I'm like, wait, what? I can't. I've never understood that phenomenon. I would assume it would only be like, I don't know, what's the job where you like clean out the porta potty? And then whatever job is under that.

Whatever job is under that. That would be. The guy who towels off the guy who cleans out the porta potty. The guy who power washes that guy. Yeah, but, Tom, why don't you read Leah's message. Yeah, she sent us an email. It says, Glory Hole, I listen to your podcast all the time at work, and I just nearly broke a shitload of glassware and spilled chemicals everywhere.

Listening to you guys name off fake diseases, crazy eyes Bachman would make up. Discussing the merits of screwing chickens and cows versus eating them, and Jesus taking the wheel and running down motorists. I laughed so hard my eyes teared up and misaligned my contacts, and my safety glasses got so foggy I couldn't see crap, all while I was attempting to walk, holding a glass bottle full of chemicals, and my shoulders were shaking furiously from laughing myself silly. Love you guys.

Jesus, man. That's outrageous. That's awesome. I would love to actually be, man. That's outrageous. That's awesome. I would love to actually be that funny. Yeah. That would be. The thing is, we're aided by the fumes in her lab. That's what's clear.

Yeah, clearly. We got some great gay mafia names from Harley. I think this is fucking great. Some of these gay mafia names. Buff Tony. Just the Tip. Bumster. Bumster's good. mafia names um buff tony just the tip bumster i like this is good johnny sausage is my favorite billy fingered um he's like little fairy and he's like little larry maybe pushing a little i like that he's like recognizing that he's not it's like maybe he's second guessing his own yeah he's

second guessing of fabulous alan fashionable joe that's good yeah yeah that would be a really funny um skit if there was a big game off that would be fucking hilarious put together by the right people not us yeah put together by funny people see if you could find some funny people find us email us their names we'd like to i'm gonna hire him fucking right for the show tips just the tip just the tip so we got a message from patrick and patrick says hey tom and cecil having listened to the show for some time i judge you both fans of baked goods much like myself uh to that end i submit these lyrics to a traditional hymn that i put together after having the phrase father son and holy wheat toast rattling around in my head

so Tom please read Patrick from Evanston's Psalm praise Ben from which all cookies flow praise Danish bread and nuts of dough praise him whose oven bakes the most praise waffle bun and whole wheat toast I think that's great I think it's great

too I like it like because you can hear the fucking like the the chanting intonation that that would be sung and i can't do it yeah yeah it's fucking great so uh we are going to be putting on a week another show this week it's our great hope to have on uh no illusions from the scathing atheist as well as we hope his uh news correspondent he then right so if we can have them both on we're going to have them both on A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The A The ears open for that. We'll let you know if that does go through. But until next time, we will leave you as always with the Skeptic's Creed. bubble, toil, and trouble, pseudo, quasi, alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment, Leo, Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens,

psychic healing, crystal balls, bigfoot, yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Outro Music