Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 185: Dr. Sholl's Duxelles

Episode Date: October 23, 2014

 

Want to stream Cognitive Dissonance to your Android or iPhone? Buy the app! Go to DissonancePod.com and click on the link on the right-hand side of the page. Each purchase helps support the show. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad.

It's skeptical. It's political. makes it big or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 185 of Cognitive Dissonance. This is our very most specialist episode. We have a special guest.

We have Barack Obama. Barack Obama, yay! Did we get Barack Obama? I thought we did. I sent him a message. I thought you were in charge of that. He never responded. Fucking hell. He was like, all right, it's just us.

I think it's because he's racist. I think that's the problem. Did you see the thing Kirk Cameron put out about if you wear- No, I didn't. What did he put out? So this is awesome. Kirk Cameron put a thing out that said, like, hey, man, like, you know, if people go around wearing fucking Barack Obama Halloween masks with the big ears and the big lips and everything, that's cool. Because it's, you know, in keeping with the tradition of, like, wearing scary, evil shit that we have defeated.

I'm totally not kidding. I'm totally fucking not kidding. In fact, it'll take me three seconds and I'll find the quote for you because it's fucking amazing. We go out on Halloween and see all these people dressed in costumes and see someone in a great big bobblehead Obama costume with the great big ears and Obama face and are honoring him or poking fun, The actor asked. They are poking fun at him.

And then it says the costumes poke fun at the fact that the devil and other evils were publicly humiliated by Christ in his resurrection. Take that, Obama. You're fucking publicly humiliated by fucking Christ. I love that Christ, like he gets resurrected and then he gets up and like all the demons are like and then like he gets up and like fucking knocks a cell phone out of demon's hands like what's up bitch?

And he's like leaning up and he's like what? What? What? And they're like oh I'm sorry it's like a fucking justice porn video or something Right? It's like Jesus is like fucking like chest up like you're in my house now bitch! You're in my house! He's all ripped jesus is like fucking like chest up like you're in my house now bitch he's all ripped he just gets a fucking boom he's got like he's got he doesn't have like a six pack

he's got like a 24 right down yeah he's just like fucking his muscles have muscles he's like a fucking mma fighter you know like where they just have like muscles and you're just like how the where the fuck did those come from? It's like the fucking MMA guys are like grafting steak onto their body. I know, man. They're just like, you're like, where did that, you didn't make that muscle. Like that muscle's a fake muscle. Those guys like they walk in and they're just like, yeah, I just have fucking this muscle. And you're like, I don't even know how to spell that muscle.

What is that? You're hitting somebody with it. I don't even know what it is. That's demonic, everybody. It is absolutely demonic. This story comes from Fox News. Really? I know, right? My Fox 8.

Homeowners at war with ghost hunters over portal to hell located on their property in Blue Ash, Ohio. I i spent some time in blue ash oh um if you believe some of the residents of cincinnati suburb blue ash ohio there's a portal to hell there so this is clearly a group of people who've spent too much time watching the old movie the gate yeah exactly yeah you know i it it's really strange. I wonder if if Satan bought this when the prices for all these like real estate prices were low in Blue Ash. They're like, yeah, the

prices are down. It's time to buy, Satan. It's time to buy in Blue Ash. So you got to make sure you put your finger on the trigger here. We really need to make sure that you pick this up. Like, wait, why Blue Ash? Like, is it a good commute to Cleveland? Like, what the fuck? I love the idea that there's like an open house, you know, at the portal to hell. And you've got like a demon realtor with like perfectly coiffed hair. And they're just like putting out the brochures.

And like there's like little sinners on toothpicks that you can go, oh, you've got hors d'oeuvres? It's delicious. And the demons are walking through the house like, oh, we could put our rack over here and our hot pinchers would look just darling over the fireplace.

One of the demons is like, is it close to a Quiznos? Because I only buy places that are it close to a Quiznos? Because I only buy places that are really close to the Quiznos. Yeah, it's funny. This whole thing, if you watch this video, it's fucking 8 minutes and 45 seconds of like fucking Silence of the Lambs vision.

It's like, it's all that fucking like low light green screen vision that they do, like that infrared. I don't even know what it is, but like it's that it's like low light green screen vision that they do like that infrared. I don't even know what it is, but like it's that it's that low light vision when they go into like a pitch dark place and then they shine the light in their face and their eyes are all crazy because their eyes aren't focused on anything. Like hurriedly looking around and they can't see anything. So it's really just eight minutes of that. it's really just eight minutes of that and it's it's them they have this fucking thing that they plug in and it it it scans the radio stations and then spits out a portion of the radio station every once in a while so they'll ask a question and then it'll spit out something so they'll say

like you know were you captured by satan and be like yes and then you'd be like oh they said yes oh my god but if you watch it you'll see it's like fucking edited you got to wonder how many questions did they ask this fucking speak and spell thing until they finally got the answers that they need because there's like they keep on having these cuts throughout sarah was watching a show this weekend there's that ghost i don't even know what it's called i want to say it's like ghost hunters but it could be something else but it's it's like a muscular trent resner looking guy running around with these two other idiots and they like go to all these like supposedly haunted places and they like scream at each other and be like did you see that oh my god and then like like one of the guys is

talking about this demon and this demon is called zozo they're like zozo the demon they they summoned it with a ouija board, and ever since then, all these people have been having problems, and they're talking about how this demon is the demon of sexual assault or something like that, because they're talking about all these... I know, like, what the fuck? They're talking about all this stuff, and the guy's like...

And then they finally put this device in, and he's like, oh, Zozo was looking for the ghost box the whole time. I'm like, yeah, he's the demon of sexual assault. Of course he was looking for the ghost box the whole time like yeah he's the demon of sexual assault of course he was looking for the ghost box what are you kidding me he's using it without his consent oh no outrageous zozo outrageous oh god you gotta watch this though if you if you get a chance you just see these guys standing there and they listen to this it's like a speaker. And they just stand there and just yell shit out to the world.

They're just like, are you trapped here? And then be like, yes. And you'd be like, okay, yeah, whatever. And it's funny, too, because it's like they just go to a scary location. Right. Like they just go to a place where your reptile brain puts you on high alert. Right? It's like full of graffiti and it's dark and your fucking brain is like, high alert. Right. It's like, it's like full of like graffiti and it's like dark and your fucking brain is like, maybe there's danger.

And then all your friends are like, we are also on high alert. And so everybody feeds off the fucking high alert fucking vibe that everybody else is kind of giving each other. And then everybody fucking freaks out and they call that ghost hunt. Right. Right. It's like, oh, we went ghost hunting. It's like, no, you went fucking reptile brain experience.

Reptile braining. They went reptile. That's exactly it. And it would be fucking ghost hunting if you could fucking Mount Casper on your wall. That's when I'll believe it. When you come back, if I go to somebody's house and it's like antelope, deer, bison, fucking ghost. Casper.

Or they have one of those fucking like ghostbuster traps where it's smoking and they're coming out of there. Right. Maybe we could talk. Also though, you know, it's scary I think because it's dark. Because if I walked into a lit up room and there was 666 with a fucking upside down pentagram, I'd be like, oh, somebody's a fucking douchebag

and they just like fucking wanted to scare somebody. So they put something. I wouldn't think anything of it it just so happens that it's you know it's dark and you're afraid because thinking a place is hell because of graffiti and the graffiti identifies it as hell it's like fucking

thinking you're gonna you know suddenly have a good time if you call someone off a bathroom stall you know exactly if graffiti made something hell Detroit would be well actually maybe there's something there is something there it's maybe there's something there if you watch this too there's the end of this video it's all about like did you ask god for help did you ask it's all this fucking like recruitment um they're like it's like a recruitment visual video for like

christianity if you watch it at the end especially, he's talking about, ask Jesus for help, and let's pray to Jesus, and let's cast you out in Jesus' name. And it's all this reinforcing that if you're in a bad situation, or there's evil or something like that, that you can be saved in some way by Christ, by God. And it's like a recruitment video. And it reminds me of those people who think there's actual demons in the world and go out and fight the demons. And they want their religion to be like an MMO rather than just be like fucking kneel down and eat a cracker once in a while. And this is what it feels like to me. It feels like those people fucking found a home with the ghost hunters.

You know, the thing is, if you fight the demon, do they drop loot? They better. They fucking better. They fucking better. You know what I mean? It better be like, and it better just not be like green loot either. It better be like gold. I want fucking rare shit, man. I want some fucking legendary shit. Yeah, fucking A. It's a demon for Christ's sakes. Right? that. My own mother falling for that stuff. Well, you don't know Larry. Maybe Dr. Kuh-hoo-ha can help her.

Doctor? That guy's no doctor. He's a quack. This one is amazing. This comes from the Friendly Atheist blog. Pedicure? How clever. That's really, I mean, wow. Amazing! Virus eating onions on your feet fight illness and cleanse your blood. This actually reminds me, Cecil, of a very old story we did, and we thankfully lost the photos. But 10,000 years ago, when we were doing Everyone's a Critic, we'd seen an advertisement for the detox foot patches. Yeah, yeah.

And you could send away for these detox foot patches and you put them on your biscuits and you just wait a while. And then when you take them off, they're like fucking super gnarly. They're like fucking black using with black and gross. And, or they get to the point where they're actually like flaking and weird and like,

yeah. Oh, so weird. So I found them on Amazon and I ordered a whole fucking slew of these things. And then I fucking coated myself in detox foot patches. I put them on my feet. But that is a control. I put them on the kitchen sink. I put them on my fucking nipples. I put them on my fucking expansive gut. I put them on my back, on my arms, on my legs. I just covered myself in detox foot patches. And lo and behold, they all turned fucking weird, even the ones that were on the kitchen sink.

Because it turns out they just fucking reacted with moisture. That's all that it fucking took. And this story feels very similar, except for instead of weird detox foot patches, I guess you strap an onion to your foot. Have an onion to your foot. You have to. The thing is, is, okay, so you're not giving it the justice that it deserves. So clearly this woman has taken a red onion and she has sliced off the end by the root

and also the other side. So now she has a nice thick slice. Imagine if you were, say, at Culver's and you asked for extra onion. They would give you this size onion, red onion on your burger. Nice thick sliced red onion all the way through. And she's placed it on the bottom of her foot.

And then she strategically put her sock around the fart part of her foot so that it's holding this thing right on the bottom of the sole of her foot in place. mean i really the ingenuity that goes into this is i yep it's pretty astounding when you come right down to it and they say in this article they go out of their way to say they're like um if you don't have onions don't worry sliced garlic on the bottom of the feet works really nicely too and i thought you must have to have really tiny ankle socks for that one much more difficult you gotta have really I thought you must have to have really tiny ankle socks for that one. It's much more difficult. You've got to have really little socks. You got to have a little

baby socks. The thing is like, this is an awesome way to make sure you spend a lot of time alone. Like walking around. Hey, set up fucking, cut it up and put it in your house. Did you get to that part where they're like, you know what you need to do is don't ever keep an onion in the fridge because if it collects the toxins in the air so if you cut an onion immediately chop it and leave it on your counter and it will detoxify the air i'm thinking no it will make your house smell like onions like no it will make your guests cry and it will make your house smell like onions and you will be the lipton soup smelling house like that's what like everybody will come to me like, what the fuck is that smell? You know how

every time you go to somebody's house, their house has a specific odor? You walk into someone's house, you're like, oh, that's what Cecil's house smells like or that's what Tom's house smells like. And you kind of can't smell your own house anymore. Sure, yeah. You walk into your house and it's like, oh, it fucking just smells like home. Everybody comes in like, why does it smell like bacon?

Right. You walk into this person's house, it's like, oh, it fucking just smells like home. Everybody comes in like, why does it smell like bacon? Right. You walk into this person's house, it's like, oh my God, it smells like feet and onions. Are you fucking kidding me? I love this line. This is great. Never save an onion. Yeah. It will absorb.

Save it from what? It will absorb all the toxins in the air of your refrigerator. You're not supposed to put your onions in the fridge. Whatever. Eat that and you eat the toxins. Well, she's saying a cut up onion. So I guess if you cut it, you know, I store my cut up onions in the fridge. Instead, Cecil, what you should do is chop your leftover onion, put it on a plate, and keep it in your kitchen as a natural air purifier. Sure, it's a natural air purifier, right.

If someone is ill, put a chopped onion on the nightstand next to the bed, and they'll be better by morning. They're better by morning because they're fucking jumping out of bed to get away from the stinky fucking onion smell. But there were some people on Facebook who clearly agreed. Oh, yeah. These people were talking about it for sure. There's like four people commented, and they posted it. It was actually a post on Facebook as a joke. And then a bunch of other people were saying, well, I've been doing this to my disabled son's room for many years and i'm

thinking is he not disabled anymore like did it like make him not disabled and then this other person said um i gotta read this it says actually onion is known to be a sponge for bacteria some people will cut the onion i'll cut one open and leave it sitting on the kitchen counter to absorb bacteria circulating air. And the feet are one of the areas of the human body which is most covered and not exposed and allowed to breathe. It is also one of the areas of the body which readily expels toxins which held within the bloodstream through sweat. And then he puts witches used to use the onion in these ways as well. Like that's going to fucking bolster your claim. Like, I was, you know, I'm with you.

Let's say I'm with you. I clearly wasn't with you anywhere throughout that entire thing. But let's just say I was. What, is witches going to enhance my decision? Like, oh, fucking witches did this? Where are my onions at? Jesus. And, like, the people talking about like,

yeah, they used to use onions, uh, during the time of the plague, like during the plague, people would put fucking onions around and then people would get like, they wouldn't get the plague. And I'm like,

I don't think that fucking ever worked. Well, and then you're just like, um, I didn't like a fucking third of the world die from the plague. And wasn't it spread by fucking fleas? I think they had enough onions to fucking prevent that shit. Unless the fleas are biting the onions,

like all of a sudden like you've got a fucking onion and then the fucking fleas in your house and the fleas like boing, boing, oh, fucking onion, onions. I love onions. And they just like fucking congregate on the onions. I love onions. And like high-fiving all the other fleas. Yeah, dude, onion party. What, what five and all the other fleas. Onion day.

Onion party. What? Onion day, baby. Yeah. So weird. What they also aren't telling you too is, you know, onions work great, but they also work better if you saute your feet. And then if you saute them with like a little mushroom and shallot, you could have like

a doctor show duxelle. It's actually really nice. It's got a nice flavor to it. It's got that sort of rustic Parmesan cheese flavor. And I like, I like too, that like somebody says, somebody in here says like, yeah, my fucking kid, you know, doesn't get the flu. And it's like, cause it absorbs bacteria. And I'm like the flu does the virus. So you're not even internally consistent, you stupid motherfuckers! I love the doctor they get to talk about this, though. There was a doctor from Iowa State University

that they quote, they say, onions do not absorb bacteria. The idea that a vegetable would attract and suck into itself bacteria from the air is not even logical. The onion may turn black because it would eventually rot from both cell breakdown events and bacterial contamination if you let it out, not because it absorbs germs.

Onion and garlic are slightly acidic, which could have the antibacterial effects if you rub the juice on things. But these are much less effective than bleach and chemical antibiotics. I love how dismissive it is. It's not even logical like you're not even fucking using logic and what is this thing about the feet too i don't know as like the magical conduit throughout like for your body the fucking reflexology nuts think this and like so many people think that like your feet are like i like this like, like this portal, like this gateway into the rest of your body. And like all this different shit is mapped out onto your fucking feet.

And like if I press here, I'm really like stroking your liver. You know what I mean? Like it's so weird. We do that with other parts of the body though too. We do that with the spine. The chiropractors do that with the spine. Right. And then the phrenologists do it with the bumps in the head and things like, so like, clearly there's like, we do that with all different

types. We think that, you know, and then there's the people who think that your palm can tell you things. So there's like, we fixate on all different parts of the body. And then we think that those parts are like the only parts that matter. But I think actually, if you're going to use the onion, you got to strap it to the part that's defective. So if you're like, let's say you want to do some makeshift Viagra, you strap it to your ball sack. You're like, okay, I'm just going to use the onion. You've got to strap it to the part that's defective. So if you're, like, let's say you want to do some makeshift Viagra, you strap it to your ball sack. You're like, okay, I'm just going to fucking have an onion on my balls. Or an onion on my dick. And if it's a girl with a yeast infection, she stuffs an onion somewhere.

Then maybe you can have some onion rolls later. You know what I mean? I don't know. You've got to use the green onion. That way you can get them out afterwards. Oh, it's disgusting. Oh, it's disgusting. Oh, that's great. It's like I'm making

salad dressing in here. I just need a vinegar douche. Oh, man. We just need a vinegar douche and you jump up and down and mix it. This is my KY vinaigrette. Oh, my God. it's the worst thing. Everyone has turned off the show

at this point. I've turned off the show. A long black cock, long black cock. A long black cock. A long black cock.

So this story comes from the Huffington Post. Christian mother Asya Bibi sentenced to hang in Pakistan for insulting the prophet. So a mother of five was sentenced to hang for blasphemy in Pakistan. She basically got into an argument over a drink of water in that she was trying to be nice. She was offering to go get water for some of her colleagues. Like, they were all working in a farm. They were doing fucking sweaty shit labor. And she's like, yeah, I'll get you guys some water.

And they're like, fucking, we can't take water from unclean people. You're not a Muslim. And she was offended by that. And so, you know, she took offense to that. And they had, like, a spat. And then the colleagues complained to a cleric, because I'm sure there's a fucking cleric like one foot away they have like a in case of emergency break for cleric and then it's like yeah whatever it is they just probably fucking i don't even know like they press a button and they call the prayers fucking sounds or something and a cleric comes

running out no no no no no no cleric it like breaks everybody's like Alakba hey and and so the cleric was like yeah great I know you're just trying to be nice and they're

fucking being shitty to you but you should really convert to Islam or or we're gonna report you to the police

and she's like well fucking I'm not Islamic that's bullshit I was just offering human beings water so they did the next logical thing is they charged her

with blasphemy and now they're going to kill her. Yeah. I think that's the next logical step, Tom. I don't know what the fuck your problem is. I can't like I'm just so fucking flabbergasted that somebody that's all started because somebody was like,

hey, can I get you some water? That's it. Yeah. Like, I am extending a kindness to you as, like, one person to another. Like, all she had to do was not give a fuck if other people were thirsty. And that's it. Like, she would have been better off being fucking mean-spirited. Yeah.

Where's the people who are going to defend this practice? Where are those people at who are going to be like, wait a minute, hold on. Now, this is a cultural thing. We need to take a step back. We need to recognize this as a cultural thing. And we need to say, look, if they want to hang this woman by her neck until she stops breathing and stops moving, actually, when you get hung by the neck, you just break your neck. But in any case, let's say they just they want to they want to just hang her by the neck until she's dead. So we're going to just let them do that because you know what? This is their culture and they have a deep, rich culture that we don't want to step on, that we don't want to, you know,

put our Western values on. You know, like this is just wrong. Like what at what point is this not a is this a good thing that somebody said, you know, I want to help you out. And they're like, no, you got to convert. And she's like, I don't want to convert. Oh, OK, well, we're going to have to kill you then. What where's the good in that? Where's the benefit to anyone? Yeah.

And like just just to be clear, like this is not like the action of some like rogue judge. Right. Like, this is not like the action of some, like, rogue judge, right? Because as she says, I can no longer bear the sight of people full of hatred applauding the killing of a poor farm worker. I no longer see them, but I still hear them. The crowd who gave the judge a standing ovation saying, kill her, kill her, Allah Akbar. Yeah.

What the fuck is going on? Like, this human being is going to lose the only single life that they will ever have. There is nothing after this. Nothing. There's nothing. They get one chance to be in the world, and someone is going to fucking kill this human being because she fucking offered water to the wrong group of people and didn't. I can't. I'm fucking flabbergasted.

We live in a world like this. I think, though, if they did have something like this over here, like where you have a choice between converting or getting reported to the police, could you imagine the conversion rates for Jehovah's Witnesses when they knock on your door? Dude, I would seriously. Wouldn't you fucking convert if you were in this country? That'd be a fucking A, dude. I wouldn't buck the system at all.

Like, I could probably talk a good game sitting over here, but there's no fucking way I would. If my life is on the line, I'd be like, um, yeah, dude, your god is great. Oh, his name's Allah? Love him. Your fucking Allah is awesome. Yeah, that Allah dude? Love that guy.

Great, man. Fucking, he comes over and we watch football and eat bacon. Oh, no, we don't eat bacon? We don't eat bacon. We actually throw bacon on the ground together, he and I. We're like fucking way we go way back. We fist bump. I would convert to all

the religions simultaneously. Fucking A, dude. I'd be that guy in The Mummy who has all that shit around his neck who's like fucking pulling out the fucking talismans and be like did this one work? No. Did this one work? No.

Oh, this one worked. Great. Right. Right. Yeah. Because isn't that how it feels? Like what, what fucking ridiculous ancient symbol do you want to see? Like what's the fucking key?

Because clearly it's not fucking reason. Along Blackhawk, Along Blackhawk, Along Blackhawk, Along Blackhawk, Along Blackhawk, Along Blackhawk, Along Blackhawk, Along Blackhawk. Along Blackhawk. All right, so this story comes from Yahoo. Bad hijab link to acid attacks on Iranian women. A series of acid attacks on women in the historic Iranian city of Isfahan has raised fears and prompted rumors that the victims were targeted for not being properly veiled. What else do you say here? Four acid attacks reported in Isfahan, um, relatively recently. And they're thinking that it's because they didn't fucking wear a conservative enough hijab. Right. So somebody is the fucking grim reaper of fucking hijabs over there. And then it says the violence led to chatter on social networks that there had been up

to 13 acid attacks against women drivers. I mean, the acid attack thing. Let's talk a minute about the acid attack thing. That is such an obviously misogynist attack. Like, it's such a specific, targeted, because it's, I mean because there's a cruelty to it. There is a metaphor to the acid attack that's embedded in the attack. They're not getting shot. They're not getting punched, stabbed.

They're not getting beaten. Somebody has to go through some effort to get a thing of acid and then to transport that thing of acid in a way that doesn't burn you and then to seek out your victim and you know unscrew the jar and then splash them with the fucking acid and hopefully not get it on yourself right so it's actually a pretty dangerous thing for the attacker to have to do so it strikes me as an attack that's a message and it's a disfiguring attack and if this whole thing about the hijab is true, if this whole thing about, you know, women need to know their place and they need to be fucking hidden from view. And if they won't hide themselves from view, then we'll fucking hide their faces for them.

We will disfigure them. We'll, you know, ruin their visage. in their visage. It is such an obviously mean, just absolutely vile, misogynist attack on half of your population. How can a culture possibly condone this? Yeah. And another thing too is, it's also saying that the woman's worth is in her looks, right? It's saying that I'm going to, not only do I ruin this thing that is your face or whatever, but I'm also saying to you that it is the most important thing about you because that is the one thing I'm going after. They're not going after, you know, they're not shooting them in the head. They're not cutting out their tongue. They're specifically going after their looks. And so, you know, I was looking up today

to see if I could find the passages because I was like, man, what does it say in the Quran? But I couldn't, you know, I couldn't find specific passages because they're all kind of like, you know, there's all these different, it's mostly commentary on it. But, you know, at the end of the day, I don't know that it matters whether or not there's a perfect passage for it. And I'm sure there are, and people can probably send us these passages. I'd be interested to see them if people know where they exist. But the thing is, is like,

religion is as much about those books as it is about the people's interpretation of what they read, and they're carrying out of that religious tradition and culture after the fact. So you can't say, you know, just because there isn't a perfect example of this, and let, just because there isn't a perfect example of this, and let's say that there isn't a perfect example

of this in Quran. I'm not saying there is or there isn't. I'm just saying, let's say there isn't a perfect example of this where they only kind of barely touch on it. It doesn't matter because they're still doing it for religious reasons today. They are doing it because they're saying

that this is a religious reason to cover your body. This is a religious thing that I'm doing. It's not that these are political dissidents that are getting acid attacks. These are just women who are wearing a traditional religious outfit the wrong way, and they're getting acid attacks. So you can't take it out of the context of religion, even if you can't find the passages where these particular people are basing their attacks off of. Well, and the hijab is a specifically religiously mandated piece of clothing. So if, in fact, that is the motivation, as is speculated in the article, if the hijab is the motivation, then it is obviously because the hijab is strictly a religious head covering. And so it's like, oh, you didn't do the fucking religious

thing right? It'd be the same thing. It'd be the same thing as if they did this to the Amish for not wearing a head bonnet. Right. Or you didn't genuflect when you walked in the church. Splashy, splashy. You didn't have your Amish beard on your chin. Right. You didn't have your neck beard.

You weren't growing it down. You've got to grab your chinny-chin-chin. The fucking hair necktie was going there. It's so weird. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to

contact them directly, send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Do you want to support the show? Do you want to support the show? Go to patreon.com. That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n.com forward slash dissonance pod. Or click the link on the podcast homepage, and you can donate to the production of Cognitive Dissonance on a per episode basis. If you can't spare any money, take a second to give us a five star review on iTunes or Stitcher, or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. As this story comes from Right Wing Watch, John Hagee says Ebola is God's judgment on America because Obama is trying to divide Israel. Okay. Thanks, Obama.

Sounds good. On yesterday's broadcast, the Hagee Hotline, John Hagee issued a warning to America that the Ebola crisis, it's a crisis, three people, it's a crisis, is God's judgment on America for President Obama's failure to adequately support Israel. So I had heard that it was actually the gays that were, but no, it's not. It's not supporting Israel. actually the gays that were but no it's not it's it's not supporting israel and so god has gosh swooped down and given three people ebola god has his top 10 list and if you mess up with any of the

top 10 so it's you know accepting gay people messing with israel eating bacon i guess shellfish right wearing two different types of cloth. Butt sex. Butt sex. Well, butt sex is kind of rolled in with the gay people. Okay, all right. But let's listen to Pastor Hagee because this is on the Hagee hotline with his son. I guess it's his son or his grandson. At this point, it looks like his grandson.

Matthew Hagee and John Hagee are having a little conversation. You know what I wish, Cecil, is that there was like an old-timey, like 1940s, like, jingle in front of us, like, Hagee Hotline, like a bunch of, like, just like there needs to be a jingle. Like, if our listeners could put together, like, a 1940s soap commercial-style jingle for Hagee Hotline, that would be awesome to introduce these words. Yeah, definitely use that for sure every time.

I want every American to hear this very clearly. haggie hotline that would be awesome yeah then definitely use that for sure every time i want every american to hear this very clearly the prophet joel says in the third chapter yeah the prophet billy joel said play us a song mr piano man play us a song i god will bring all nations and hear phrase, all nations includes America, into judgment. For they have divided up my land, the land of Israel. God says when any nation divides up the land of Israel, they are subject to judgment. And dividing Jerusalem is dividing the land what if israel divides up the land of israel no no god will be super pissed he's super mad about like surveyors

yes like fucking surveyors he like hates him so much and yay if they'll find us the steak in the corners then yeah no it's our president is is dead set on dividing jerusalem god is watching and he will bring america into judgment there are grounds to say judgment has already begun because he the president has been fighting to divide jer for years now. We are now experiencing the crisis of Ebola. Look out, guys. Look out. It's like somebody's got an Ebola gun somewhere. Just like people with Ebola.

The crisis of Ebola, Cecil. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like, look, here's the thing. It's not a crisis when I can comfortably. Look, here's the thing. It's not a crisis when I can comfortably... If the number of people that have a disease is less than the number of eggs I can eat in a single omelet, it's not a crisis, right? There's three fucking Americans.

Are you kidding me? Three? Yeah. Like, don't get me wrong. I don't want anyone to have Ebola because it sounds kind of horrible. Like, so whatever. But let's fucking But let's keep some fucking perspective.

Three people does not a crisis make. Well, I can eat a pretty big omelet so I think Ebola can get up to about 24 people. And then if there were 24 people, it'd be like, 24 out of 317 million people in America have Ebola.

What will happen next? You'd be like, I don't know. Some will live, some will die. Call it a night. I mean, that's how fucking disease works. What it is is that not only is the 24-hour news cycle fucking face-fucking the Ebola crisis as much as they can. They're trying to fucking put it everywhere,

and you just constantly see this talk of Ebola, and, oh, here's a fucking talk of ebola and oh there's a fucking picture of their house and there's a hazmat team bringing out their brownies they gotta throw those away and you know i mean like all this i think it's just like oh what is this hazmat team doing oh they're fucking standing out in front of the house oh they're moving now oh they're they're fucking euthanizing their dog or whatever they're doing you know whatever they're doing to like make sure that the bola doesn't spread. And they are picking up on this. And then clearly all of the, you know, ambulance follower sort of pastors all over the country who,

whenever there's a crisis, immediately tack on God's judgment to it. Whenever there's any kind of inkling that there could be some sort of, you know, something natural of the world that will hurt or injure other human beings, whether it's a flood or it's a typhoon or it's it's earthquake or it's disease of some kind or famine or whatever it is, they will tack on. Well, that's God's judgment. That's God's judgment we're dealing with right now. So, I mean, let me ask you a serious question. Does anybody really think it's a coincidence that we have an African president and an African disease? Oh, man. I'm only saying that because on the sideline, Phyllis Schaefeli, Obama intentionally bringing in Ebola to make America more like Africa. You just can't come. Like, who cares, you fucking lunatics?

The thing is, like, it can't be punishment for more than one sin, right? Like, either that or, like, God is, like, the shittiest multitasker ever, right? Like, God's like, oh, fuck. I got to do something about the gay marriage in North Carolina. And the fucking Israel, they're going to divide that. And then the fucking president's black, so fuck. I mean, I don't even know. Well, the president's black, so now I'm really pissed off.

Tell you what, give three people Ebola. That'll teach. Should we maybe make it so it spreads by coughing? No, just three people. Still make it difficult to get yeah i'm gonna send my hound dog a bola down there he's gonna show you what's up yeah it's so fucking crazy i kind of see god as like one of those uh generals who's sort of uh he's talking about how he's the collateral damage is just a natural thing we're just like you know because every time

a disaster happens all it is is collateral damage to the people who were who were not sinners right it's always constantly this collateral damage that you've got to explain like you got to look i'd love to see god's charts and graphs where he's just like oh man i guess we kind of lost like when we did that you know remember that uh that tsunami that hit uh killed like quarter million people yeah we kind of lost 83 000 believers in that one kind of fucked that one up you know fucking 83 000 or whatever it is you know what i mean like right right it was just trying to get one yeah you're just trying to get the one i fucking got him there fucking nailed that guy really bad person we have a crisis in our economy we are worried on every

hand that we're going to be attacked by radical islam and there are some very rational voices saying that's their we are their next target we are a nation that has a crisis of leadership. We are in chaos and crisis. Anarchy is running our nation in Ferguson, Missouri. Why don't you just throw in one, get your thesaurus out and throw in another fucking, you know, sort of cataclysmic term, right? Pick out some other term.

And also I love the idea that we're like, oh, radical Islam is going to come after us pretty soon. We're going to be with some real rational voices have said we're their target. We've been their target for years. Have you not been paying attention for the last fucking 13 years? Yeah. Since 9-11 when radical. I mean, like, really?

Are you fucking. This is not a new. This is not a new thing. And yeah, he's just totally saying words like he's just like he's like chaos anarchy distemper rabies rubella like wait now you're just what are you talking about toasts right it's like naming like minor inconveniences stuck in traffic when it's hot and you're wearing shorts on one of those leather chairs and your legs get stuck. And your balls get stuck to your leg. Slass and bad hair days.

It would be awesome if we just compiled a list someplace of all the shit that these fucking lunatics have blamed on Obama with gays. It would seriously be like Naga Hyde. Just everything. It's like GMOs. How is that? You're just saying things. You're just saying things people don't like. You know, like sad penguins.

Sad penguins? Allah Akbar Akbar Allah Akbar A-la-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- Man divorces wife possessed by genie Now I found this story Particularly confusing Because as a young Boy growing up I watched a lot of I Dream of Genie

With a particular fascination and interest Let me tell you There's something about that genie I am just saying And I always wondered When I was a kid I'd be like Why isn't he just having sex all the time? I know, right?

It's like the super hot chick, like, pops up and is like, I'll do anything you want. Be like, I have a whole list of things. Really? Yeah. Well, I know how I'm spending the next all of my life. I'm going to need a tube of toothpaste, a box of vinyl gloves a moose you just start naming off the weird shit we're gonna do oh my god yeah this is stuff that they they won't even film it and make it porn on the internet let me tell you what we're gonna do

it'll be like people would turn away from that and discuss me like no no i'm not watching that i'm sorry i'm not watching that I'm sorry, I'm not watching that Actually, I think you're breaking animal rights Pete is going to come after you for this At some point, even the internet has standards Sir You cannot upload this This is not

You can't even put this on the dark web Yeah, on the deep web or whatever There's no way you can't even put it there Yeah, not, no. It's, fucking Anonymous is coming after you. That's how bad this is. Anonymous is going to dox you for this. But let's get to the meat of this crazy story.

Genies, you got me sidetracked with genies. So, after persistently denying him sex, the woman told her husband to discuss the issue with genies. So after persistently denying him sex, the woman told her husband to discuss the issue with her parents. And they told the man that his wife was possessed by a djinn, which is a genie or whatever, and that they tried to exercise the spirit but it didn't work. And upon hearing this, the husband lodged a divorce case and his lawyer told a hearing and I quote

the woman and her family cheated my client. They should have been honest and clear about the fact that the wife was possessed by a djinn. He was only told about the djinn after the problem escalated. So clearly we can learn from his experience that if you are possessed by a genie, you need to be upfront about that. Yeah, man. And if they'd only asked Dear Aladdin for some marital advice. You've got to make sure you have a disclosure sheet when you get married and you just disclose whether or not you're insane.

There's just got to be a genie prenup, I think. Yeah, right. I mean, if you are ever, you know, because there's certain conditions that need to be met when you enter into a relationship. And clearly one of them has to be if you ever rub the magic lamp in the living room and become possessed by an evil jinn and deny me sex as a result, then, you know, no alimony for you. Because that is actually what the case boils down to, is that he doesn't want to pay alimony. He wants to divorce his wife because she's possessed by an evil spirit, but he doesn't want to have to pay for that evil. And I can understand that, because if you're a genie, then you have, like, ultimate power, right?

Like, you could just make gold or... I've seen the movies. You just twinkle your nose and wiggle your armpits or something. Yeah, you've got to wiggle your face or whatever, and it does that thing. But, you know, the thing is they call it a genie here, and it's a djinn below, and I have no idea whether or not those are the same thing. Yeah, I think they are. It says in Arabic mythology, djinns or genies.

So djinns or genies. Are spirits able to take human and animal forms and exercise supernatural influence over humans? It doesn't say whether they can exercise supernatural influence over humans. It doesn't say whether they can exercise supernatural influence over animals. Well, they certainly can't do any supernatural influence over judges. Right. Because this guy, he kind of lost, actually. He kind of lost the case.

The judge gave him the divorce, but made him pay $11,000 in maintenance to his wife. So I guess it is not the case that this is a viable defense. Oh, no. Or the genie just used their spells. I'm Raymond Massey, and I have a special message for senior citizens. Today's doctors, drugs, and medical devices truly work medical miracles for young and old alike.

But there are some as phony as a $3 bill. Investigate before you invest in health services or products. Help stamp out quackery. This story actually really pisses me off. This comes also from the Friendly Atheist. Judge suggests doctors shouldn't impose their views on child who may soon become a victim of faith-based treatment. So we actually talked about this at one point earlier. So there is an 11-year-old in Canada who belongs to, like, one of the First Nation tribes, and she has acute lymphoblastic leukemia. And so that cancer is treatable with chemo.

It has about a 90% survival rate. But the kid who, again, is fucking 11 doesn't want to continue the chemo. And the parents were happy to say, OK, let's rub some fucking herbs and spices on it instead. And they brought it to a judge. And honestly, I mean, and I fucking, I read this out loud to my wife. I was so flabbergasted, Cecil, by the shit the fucking judge said out loud. Yeah. I simply, I was floored. I was absolutely floored.

Yeah, he says, this is Justice Gethin Edward suggested physicians essentially want to impose their worldview on the First Nation culture. The idea of a cancer treatment being judged on the basis of statistics that quantify patients' five-year survival rate is completely foreign to aboriginal ways. Even if we were to say that there is not one child who has been cured of acute lymphoblastic leukemia by the traditional methods, is that a reason to invoke child protection? What the fuck? Really? Like, even if we were to say that fucking nobody's ever been cured by those fucking ways, is that a reason? Yes, that is a reason. That's a reason because it's not doing anything.

That's like not feeding your kid. I mean, that is exactly a reason yes that is a reason that's a reason because it's not doing anything that's like not feeding your kid what i mean that is exactly the reason and the and when he says like the idea of a cancer treatment being judged on the basis of statistics to quantify patients five year survival rate is completely foreign to aboriginal ways i want to say like who fucking cares quantifying treatments based on their success rate is the only rational way to quantify whether a treatment works what other possible metric would you use well what what i mean i can't even fucking believe that somebody would say out loud like well you can't go around just checking to see if things work i think that they're saying that it's completely foreign to the aboriginal ways. It's just like, well, what isn't?

She's clearly in a doctor's office. She's getting things adjudicated by a judge. She has the trappings of modern society all around her, but this is the one thing that she's going to be able to reject? This is the one thing that she's not going to be able to use. You're like, look, you're in this society. You're not in this society. If you're in this society, we make a pledge to protect those people who cannot protect

themselves, who either don't have the sense yet because we don't think an 11 year old has the sense yet to make decisions on their own or that they can't make those decisions for themselves. We choose to help protect those people. Well, the fact is, is that you can't make these decisions. You're a child. You can't make those decisions. Your parents are clearly stupid enough to think that this decision is the right decision

when it comes to choosing fucking baking soda and fucking apple cider vinegar for your cures for a thing that has a 90% fucking you know a 90% rate I mean what that is that is ridiculous that you're not going to try to go through that I mean could you imagine any I couldn't imagine anyone in my family saying ah you know there's a 90% chance of survival from this cancer but I'm just not going to do it I would I would shake them until they did it. I know. I would fucking hold them down and force feed them the chemo.

However long it took. Two years, great. Guess what, motherfucker? Well, it depends on the family member for me. Yeah, I know. Some of them might be like, yes, that is a good call. No, yeah, man. Yeah, go for that fucking, yeah, eat that shark fin or whatever you're going to do. You want the fucking 11 herbs and spices here, man?

I'll get you the fucking extra extra crispy i do not care yeah you know it's it this is part of that cultural relativism shit that's that's like this is like screaming with that it's like well you know their culture is valuable and we need to respect the wishes of the first nation cultures yeah we do we really do like we need to be sensitive to first nation cultures and traditions and their art and their literature and their language and their strong history. But we do not do that. We don't respect their science, right? As being preferential to actual science. Because science is not culturally relative. Either something fucking works or it doesn't fucking work. And we should absolutely be sensitive to the history, to the culture,

to the, like I said, to the arts and the fucking language and the traditions, all of those things, because those things are part of what make up the human experience. And to value one over another is dishonest and untrue. And like, I'm down with that. But when it comes to things like whether or not it is right or wrong to let an 11 year old girl die of a treatable illness because you've got this misguided sense that all things are equal. Well, science, not all things are fucking equal. Like, your fucking magic man bullshit doesn't fucking work. And down below in the same article, local resident Lori Hill says, there's a fear of aboriginal residents' remedies or denial of it. If things can't be quantified or qualified to them it's irrelevant who are they the doctors to say she will make it with their treatments just because

they have a degree that makes them more knowledgeable yes yes that actually is how you gain knowledge you go to a school and you get specific knowledge within a subject area. That's that's exactly it. And like if your treatment can't be quantified, it's because it doesn't fucking work. Yeah. And I mean, isn't that the job of science to basically say, you know, just to say these things aren't equal? I mean, isn't it a job of science to basically point out inequality, to be like, this is

the right way and this is the wrong way. This is a thing that works and this is a thing that doesn't. You're fucking you're just doing you just don't even understand what science is, if that's what you say. And like, imagine if there was something more mechanistic, like what if somebody broke their leg and and there were and you had two people who are going to treat that broken leg. people who are going to treat that broken leg. And the one person said, well, I think what we should do with this broken leg is we should set the leg so that the bones will heal. And then we should put the leg in a splint so that it's immobilized so that the leg can't continue to bend or break. And then we should put ice on it to reduce the swelling, give some painkillers, and then move them on their merry way.

And then the other person said, okay, I see a broken leg, and what I think we should do is rub fucking horse blood on it and then step on it, and then that will fix it. One is likely to work. The other is very much unlikely to work. And let's say you even tested both of those theories, right? I don't want to be the guy who tests it, though. And the one works, and the other one doesn't fucking work. And then to possibly have somebody be like, well, you're really privileging one type of knowledge over another type of knowledge. No, you're not privileging a type of knowledge.

You're privileging a methodology. And that's perfectly fair. And that's not a weird or racist thing to do. It's not a fucking like crazy, like imperialist Western ideology. It's just some shit works and some other shit doesn't work. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers.

I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. This story comes from Gay Star News. Gay cure pastor rapes teen, threatens him with warlock powers if he talks. The worst part about this article is Cecil and I had a 10-minute conversation about whether or not we had already covered this article at one point. Yep. Because evidently raping teenagers and threatening them with warlock powers is unfortunately common. It's common enough to have two stories in the same year where one is in West Virginia

and one is in, and this one is in Kentucky, I think. So there's two stories in the same year where some guy who clearly looks like he plays way too much Dungeons & Dragons says that he has warlock powers and he can rape people because of it. I mean, what else do you say here? Like, warlock powers. I mean, at some point, like, why would you just say like, I'll beat you up? I mean, it's something like this is like one of this reminds me of like those guys that everybody has met, you know, who's like, I'm really in the Secret Service. You know, this is constantly like making those guys like crazy stories. Oh, well, I can't tell anybody.

I got warlock powers and I'll shoot fucking magic out of my eyes. I got the powers. Yeah. This guy's head, though, it looks like it's a face painted on a thumb. It looks like Jambalushi to me. I mean, there is no distinction between his chin, his neck, and his cheeks. It's all just kind of this. That's unfair. There's clearly a distinction. One looks like, his neck, and his cheeks. Oh, that's unfair.

There's clearly a distinction. One looks like, no, there's no distinction. Actually, no distinction whatsoever. It really does look like a melted candle. He looks like a thumb face. He's just like, I am thumb face. I am the evil warlock thumb face. Can you imagine his warlock powers?

What specific powers of warlockian evil is he going to perform? He's already raping teenagers. I wonder if he's threatening people by saying shit backwards or in Latin or something. I think it would be awesome if somebody would like, I'd fucking love it if somebody would threaten me with warlock pods. Like, just do one warlock-y thing. Do a single warlock-y thing. Do one warlock thing. Cast a spell right fucking now.

Cast any spell at all. Do one casting of a spell. What I don't get is that these are like pastors. Like, this is a pastor who did this. And so there's all these different things that are fucking being thrown into the barrel here you've got a pastor who clearly is you know a pastor who was you know believes in god whatever and then there's like he's doing warlocky things right because it says uh he's clearly threatening them with this warlock thing that he can do I mean like isn't

this just mix of all this stuff and then there's you know clearly there's the level of you know he's convincing little children of this this isn't he's not this isn't an adult who's coming up to another adult and saying I have the warlock powers give me that parking space you know what I mean like

it clearly you know it'd be like shit it'd be like, shit, man, I totally parked there. Fuck. I gotta move my car. But no,

like this guy is, he's doing it to little children. So he's doing it to the people who are easily influenced or easily intimidated. And then he's, and then he's taking advantage of them. But I, I mean,

like it just seems like such a weird mix of things when you're like, yeah, I'm a warlock, but I'm also a pastor. Right. It's like pastor by day, warlock by night're like, yeah, I'm a warlock, but I'm also a pastor. Right. It's like pastor by day, warlock by night. Thou shalt not suffer a me to live. Shit.

Oh, no. Disregard that passage. That was a metaphor. That part that specifically applies to me. I'm a warlock. The victim stated that the suspect told him on several numerous occasions that by brushing his skin or shaking his hand, he could tell his sins by the power he has. He comes from a family of warlocks. I would say morelocks more than anything else.

You know, I got to say, ever since the Smurfs got canceled, I really feel bad for Gargamel that he's had to turn to this. I know. Gosh. And clearly he's been spending a lot of time at Old Country Buffet. Well, he already ate the cat as real. He fucking ate all the Smurfs too. He caught the Smurfs. I mean, look at this

guy. He clearly ate all the Smurfs. There's no more Smurf berries. Nothing. Nothing. No. So that wraps it up for our short show this week. We're going to be back on Monday as always, and we're going to leave you with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit.

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