Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 187: My Book Of Mormon

Episode Date: November 3, 2014

Special thanks to David Michael from My Book Of Mormon for joining us:   : http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/reports/news/a30751/prison-for-afghan-mullah-who-raped-a-10-year-old-girl-inside-his-mosque/   : http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/10/27/malaysian-muslims-wring-hands-over-day-of-touching-furry-friends-wondering-if-its-an-insult-to-islam/       : http://jezebel.com/man-tries-to-obtain-addresses-of-strippers-so-he-can-pr-1650792182 : http://happyplace.someecards.com/religion/the-mormon-church-finally-broke-its-weirdunderwear-silence-with-this-informational-video/   : http://news.yahoo.com/mormon-founder-had-teen-bride-during-polygamy-days-174802122.html  

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Alright guys, Dave Thomas. I was just ringing in to say that I'm loving the show at the moment. I'm trying to make some really good, you know... See you sometime. I'm going home, guys. So let's write about a temple. So I was thinking, you know, you kind of maybe think about Jesus for a minute.

You put Jesus in my heart, whatever. You brought up about how he sent the pigs or sent the demons into the pigs. And then like all the pigs run off the cliff. And I was thinking like, what if we got the story all wrong from the Bible? What if he was more like Hitch? You remember Hitch with Will Smith? He's like a superhero, but he's always like Hitch? You remember Hitch with Will Smith? He's like a superhero, but he's always like screwing up and always like, God, you're a dick.

What if that was Jesus? You know, what if like at the marriage of Canaan, you know, like what if they were out of wine and that was a good thing because they didn't want wine because the girl was kind of an alcoholic. And then Jesus was like, let's party! And everybody's like, aw, Jesus. He was getting his life together, you know? Like, what was the woman at the well? He's like, you know, I could give you water that would last forever. She's like, oh, great, because my family's dying of thirst, and our farms fall apart. And then, you know, he's like, well, I kind of meant that metaphorically.

She's like, what? You know? They're like, I got you to heal the dude, the blind dude? And like the disciples are hollering at him, waving their arms as they're walking off. And they're like, hey, so it's pretty cool how you healed that guy, but did you have to spit on his face? And Jesus is like, no. Fuck that guy. All right, glory hole. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason.

Recording from Gloriole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome, Matt. This is episode number 187. And we are joined today by David from the My Book of Mormon podcast. Hello, Tom. Hello, Cecil.

And we are incredibly grateful to have a card-carrying Mormon on our program. I didn't even know that you wrote the book, but I'm very impressed. It took a while, but I finally got it done. Quite the accomplishment. I'm pretty proud of it. You should be. Yeah. You should be. It's gathered a lot of attention and its own brand of underpants.

I have my own brand of underpants as well, but that's just because of the size, just because of the quantity. They weren't able to mass-produce them, so I have to have them custom built. But you still get to put a male underwear designer on your resume, so that's still cool. Yeah. I tell people I'm an underwear model mostly because I can't wear other clothes. You've mastered the art of turning parachutes into underwear. It's beautiful. You've mastered the art of turning parachutes into underwear. It's beautiful. It's not as hard as you think.

Two holes, and then the strings are basically your suspenders. And for the record, I can say this because I've met you two. So this is all true. Plus, when you're hurling the frogs into your mouth, you know, it doesn't stain the parachute, which is great. I have no idea what that meant. But all it's a java joke ah damn my nerd my nerd alert wasn't very well you didn't get your nerd on before you came on i'll turn the nerd back on sorry about that yeah yeah i love that he's willing to be like dude i didn't get your joke right it's gonna be a fucking long night it's fucking we've been recording for just a few minutes. It's like, yeah, it's already fucking done.

You may want to just pre-record that statement and play it throughout the entire time because you will lose your voice by the end of this show, David. Dude, didn't get it. What? That should actually be a ringtone. I want you to send that to me for a ringtone from my phone so I can just be like,

yeah, you didn't get it. I just want you, Tom, saying, what? That's a good enough ringtone. I want you to send that to me for a ringtone for my phone so I can just be like, yeah, I didn't get that. I just want your just you, Tom, saying, what? That's a good enough ringtone alone. I will send you that. Perfect. Sounds like a good trade. Look, we can't talk about this story. This comes from happyplace.some cards.com?

So I feel like this is a reputable source. Well, this might be the first time that you haven't pulled a story from Right Wing Watch or Raw Story or what's the other one? reputable source. This might be the first time that you haven't pulled a story from right wing watch or raw story. What's the other one? Friendly atheist. I think those are the three friendly atheist blog. Yeah,

we get a lot from there. So, but I, but we found a new site. It's very exciting. It is happy place. That's some cards.com. I didn't even want to open this up when I was at work,

but anyway, the Mormon church finally explains the whole weird underwear thing with this informational video. And there is a YouTube video, which really, I mean, it really clarifies it by saying, stop making fun of our underwear. That's exactly what it is. When you call it magic underwear, it is offensive. It's a pretty great video. It's just's just you know some people call it magic or mystical underwear but there's nothing magical or mystical about it i'll tell you what look at that underwear there is absolutely nothing magical about it nothing magical it is the frumpiest underwear i've ever seen in my life did you guys read the comments under the video there were people asking

what i thought were good questions like so like does this like do women wear bras with this like how does this work you know is there underwear under the underwear and yeah some of the answers were like somewhat interesting it's like some women wear bras over it i'm like over it what the hell what and also look at look at this this image and you know like it's got like extra like package area for the dude like it know, like, it's got, like, extra, like, package area for the dude. Like, it's got, like, it's like a codpiece built in your underwear. You got to have spots for the bulge now. I'll tell you what, man.

Those Mormons, they are fucking, either they are very, very optimistic. Or they're the fucking most hung dudes on the planet. I love the packages they come in. It's either this nice little light blue one or a light pink one, even though they look identical. That's it, right? That's all you know. I can't believe you gotta wear a bra over your fucking magic underwear. I mean, this would be so disappointing as a teenager.

You get the second base and it's like feeling up a mannequin. Like you're not getting anywhere at all. This underwear would be such a pain in the ass. It's like, oh yeah, I totally maybe felt her. I don't even know what we did. I'm not even sure exactly.

She's like a Russian nesting doll of clothes. You know what I mean? She just keeps taking off articles of clothing. Get her down and she's only like two and a half feet tall. It's like a jowl. I thought you were fat, but turns out it was all this fucking underwear. She's like one of those things like pulling a bunch of levers to make arms and legs move inside. It's like, oh my God, Mormon women are tiny.

It's like an automaton. But I actually think in reality, though, you don't get the magic underpants, which is insulting, by the way. But anyway, you don't get the magic underpants until you reach a certain theta level or something, right? Isn't that? Theta level. Yeah, you got to get the thetans out of your volcano before you get it. Right, yeah, you got to beat Metroid Prime or something before you get it. So I'm probably very wrong about this because all I'm doing, I've been completely ignorant to the whole Mormonism,

except for the fact that I'm reading the Book of Mormon, which has nothing to say about this so far anyway. So yeah, but what I've heard from people that, you know, from listeners to the show is that I guess you get it like after baptism or something. And it's actually a big deal. This is like, you don't not wear them. Like it's're actually considered, like, if you die without them, like, you can't show up at heaven without the right underwear on. Shut the fuck up. You're shaking heaven. Yeah, and there's even, like, this old, like, legend that Joseph Smith, when he was shot and killed, he didn't have his underwear on, and that's why he wasn't protected. It's just so bizarre.

So there's no, like, French beach at, like, Mormon heaven? Like, it's just, that. So there's no French beach at Mormon heaven? It's just, that's it, huh? You go to Mormon heaven. Even in Mormon heaven, you still can't get laid. Yeah, you still got to wear that straight cover. Still covered with your weird underwear. That's awesome. That's definitely the heaven you want to go to.

So you get it once you sort of come of age. So these are like literal big boy pants. Exactly right. of come of age so these are like literal like big boy pants like this is exactly right well it's a little disappointing too because they're bulky enough to contain a diaper you know you wear the diaper over we should do we should make like you know magic underwear onesies for for infants we could market that shit i think we'd be all right. Go to Salt Lake, get a little baby stored. Why have your baby unprotected? I think your baby could get shot tomorrow.

That should be a great commercial. They just put a baby in the magic underpants and shoot it. And they're just like, hey, it worked. Or, oh, we need a new baby. I'm like, oops. Cut. This commercial did not go as planned! If this was magic underpants and you really thought that it protected you, wouldn't you want your kids wearing it?

Like, wouldn't you want, I don't know, what age do you get baptized in the Mormon church? Because, like, that varies dramatically across, you know, faiths. Like, some they baptize infants so that, like, God doesn't send babies to hell or whatever this isn't in the book but i think it's early adolescence i think 13 ish i'm the worst person you could have had on the show if you actually want to learn about mormonism because i'm just reading a fucking book what do i know but uh yeah i love the thing i loved about the article though is when it starts out it's like the church is saying now we're really tired of people making fun of us for this magic underwear

stuff, but it is a thing. Okay. That's why we make fun of you, because you're wearing it. What do you not understand about this? Well, there's another story where Mormonism featured this week. This is from Yahoo News.

Mormon founder had teen bride during polygamy days. So the Mormon church acknowledges in a new essay that founder Joseph Smith had a teenage bride, was married to other men's wives during the faith's early polygamous days. So he had, looks like a 14-year-old girl was one of his wives. Well, just the one. And, like, I can't help but think that the whole, like, the whole faith, like, the entire faith was just fucking made up as an excuse by a dude who wanted to bang teenagers. Because it was clearly just made up by some dude. So then the question is, like, well, why? And then you look at, like, well, what did he prescribe in his faith?

So how about I give him the benefit of the doubt would be that i think most cult leaders are somewhat by definition power hungry right and if you're actually successful and suddenly you have this group of people who are looking at you saying you are godlike i'll do anything you say it's like anything thing how about you hmm you all want to fuck me yeah it's got a young daughter this isn't just the only instance of this yeah like uh it just that just seems to be the phase two of cult leader once the leader reaches a point of uh godlike status suddenly he starts fucking everybody it's amazing how that works but it's interesting in the book Book of Mormon so far, so I'm about halfway done. I know we haven't gotten in the show yet, but it's actually twice now expressly said polygamy is forbidden. Very black and white,

like not even. So, yeah, I'm interested to find out later on when that changed. And I think it changed. So Joseph Smith wrote this book and then I don't even think he realized how successful he would be. So then suddenly he has all these followers and he's like, huh, I could fuck any one of them. Let's make that happen. So, yeah. Appendix one. Changed his doctrine. Got a new revelation from God.

He said, I can fuck anybody. Yeah, right. Signed, sealed, and delivered. Here's what I'd like to do. Afterward by Jesus Christ. Can I just say real quickly, though, that Polygamy Days sounds like an awesome festival. I mean, that sounds like if you're going to have that in your home town. Just for the day, right?

Like, I don't want to have to deal with a bunch of wives ongoing. But a Polygamy Day I can handle. Yeah, Polygamy Days. That's a good one. Bring your kids on down. We're going to have like a car show. And then you get to pick out another woman to go home with that evening. Just for the day. Just for that one holiday.

That's pretty good. Polygamy strikes me too as one of those systems where it's like, well, wait a minute. This is not a sustainable business model. There's half and half of us. But if every man takes two or three women, there's a lot of

dudes with no women. There's just a women, there's a lot of dudes with no women. There's just a lot of fucking sad-faced, fucking angry people walking around. That's not a—how is that supposed to work? What's the long-term viability of building a system designed to disenfranchise a significant number of men? This actually was a very—so now I'm going to get sad, but a lot of those polygamous compounds, like, what was this, Jeff Warren? Was that one of them? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, if you had a boy born, when he reached about 15, 16, they just kicked him the fuck out. And there's actually, like, some pretty sad stories. Is that a fucking lion pride? Like, what the fuck is going on? Because Tom's right. They don't have room for him.

All the young women are getting snatched up by the old guys. They don't want to compete with these teenage boys with all their hormones raging. They just kicked them out. God damn. That's a horrible thing. It's a horrible thing. It's a terrible fucking thing.

I know, and these poor guys have no idea what the world is like. They've lived their whole lives on a compound. It's like, well, have fun with that. Well, how does the kicking out work, too? Because I'm sure they have some pretext, like, yeah, you weren't good enough, so it's going to be your fault. It's not like they're saying, like, yeah, we're totally kicking you out because we're a bunch of horny old dudes that want to have sex with teenagers. So you can see the dilemma we're in. We heard that you masturbated once.

Right. Admit it. It's like, okay, fine. Because I'm a teenage male, I'm probably guilty of that. Actually, certainly guilty of that. Get out. Yeah, and then they go off, and they're still faithful, right? So it's not like they give them a wink, like, go out into the real world.

By the way, this was all bullshit. It's like they get out in the real world, they're like yeah so i've got no wives and my fucking faith is still here so that's not doing me any good in the actual world that's a really fucking unbelievably cruel heartless way to treat other people but i guess if it gets you a bunch of fucking weird 14 year old teen brides then nothing about that's appealing though no no not the 14 the multiple it just sounds like i just couldn't afford all the taylor swift albums you know they all turn 16 you got to buy them all a car it sucks can you fucking imagine you have to take them to prom that's weird all together you put the corsage bills alone are killing me.

You know what you have? It's to save money. You put them all in one tandem dress. So they all have to be in like, it's like a sack race. You know what I mean? It's like one of those paper things that you cut and you open it up. It's like all those connected people. It's like paper dolls.

They start to pile out the limo and they're all connected to each other and calliope music is playing. You know, I will say from this article, though, to give him benefit, it says, Little is known about Smith's marriages to the already married women. It'd be a little awkward. It says, they also might have been the type of unions that didn't involve sex. I thought, or not. That is probably not true because if some religious leader is like, yeah, I'm going to marry your wife. Wait, why are you doing that again?

Well, don't worry. I'm not going to have sex, sir. I'm just going to marry her. Wait, double why are you doing that again? I can't understand. What the fuck purpose is like. Yeah, we're going to get married and not have sex. That's going to be sweet. Well, marriage and Mormonism is like this eternal thing.

Like you can never escape that bitch. You're stuck. So it's, yeah. So that's the whole idea is that it's, you're like creating this eternal bond and your whole family. that it's, uh, you're, you're like creating this eternal bond and your whole family. So that's, that's actually one of the things they use to like, you know, with, if someone's leaving the church, they say, Oh my God, you're going to leave the family forever. There's going to be an empty seat in heaven for you because you're leaving, you know, and then it's part of the guilt trip.

So yeah, it's the whole concept of like a turn. So I guess Joseph Smith's like, wouldn't you like your daughter or wife or whoever the fuck to be with the head honcho forever? Hmm. I think I guess that's probably how I did it. I don't know. I wasn't there. But that seems to make some sense. No, what I love the most about the article, though, at the very bottom.

Right. It was talking about how they finally came out after however many years it's been where everyone already knew this. Right. This isn't like news. It's been where everyone already knew this. Right. This isn't like news. It's news that they finally admitted it. Right. So and they're saying, OK, fine. Our founding father, bit of a bit of an asshole and pedophile.

Fine. That happened. But then at the very end, it says, but kind of good thing it happened because, you know, we got a lot of babies in Utah because of it. So God's plan, maybe, you know, it's like, you know what? It's lot of babies in Utah because of it. So God's plan, maybe, you know. It's like, you know what? It's not an apology now. You ruined it. You just fucking ruined it.

Yeah, that'd be like getting like a fucking, like an I'm sorry card from like your child's rapist. It was like, sorry I fucked your daughter, but I did get her pregnant. You're like, wait, that didn't help? Do you have the very last sentence of that article up, Tom? Yeah, it says, difficult as it was the introduction of plural marriage in navoo did indeed raise up seed unto god the article says a substantial number of today's members descend through faithful latter day saints who practice plural marriage okay yeah so so good thing our founder was a pedophile and polygamist. Because without that, God's plan never would have worked.

Isn't Jar Jar Binks from Nauvoo? I saw that and I was like, wait, what? It's in Illinois. You guys know that? This all happened in our state. No shit. Yeah, I did know that. Yeah, because they didn't actually have their fucking second exodus or whatever they fucking call it until – because they got kicked.

They got kind of – they were in Illinois for a while, and the Illinoisans didn't really – Well, Joseph Smith got killed there. Yeah, they didn't sit right with the – Yeah, the locals, like, went all pitchforking torches on him and raided the prison he was in and killed him. And then I guess Brigham Young said, well, this town's no good. They don't like us. Let's go find greener pastures. What was your first clue, Brigham Young?

So we're going to be back with David from My Book of Mormon at the end of the show, but we're going to do some stories in between now and then. So this story comes from a fucking unlikely news source. Cosmo. That's right, from cosmopolitan.co.uk. I had no idea that Cosmo covered stories like this. A little shocked. Prison for Afghan Mullah who raped a 10-year-old girl inside his mosque. So this is kind of amazing.

In Kabul, a 10-year-old girl was raped inside of a mosque in an Afghan village, and instead of being whipped or lashed or beheaded or stoned to death, she was exonerated. Now, I think it's kind of criminal that she was actually even on trial. Sure. Right? Yeah, even considered to be. She shouldn't be. Yeah. A wrongdoer in any way.

But according to Sharia law, rape is a form of adultery in which both parties are responsible. The judge, however, threw that shit out and pointed out that the victim, quote, cannot commit adultery. She is a child. This is rape. Cannot commit adultery. She is a child. This is rape. You know, and she says the girl who was not called upon to speak insisted that she be heard.

And she also said, you shamed me. Liar. You destroyed my life. You brought shame to my father. And then she said to the judge, please, director, hang him. I do think that it is terribly sad. The heartbreaking part of this article is the very last paragraph. It has been reported that after the trial, the girl's father did not look at or speak to his daughter.

The girl reportedly tried to follow her father after he turned his back and walked out of the courtroom, but she stopped when she saw that he was not going to speak with her. Heartbreakingly, she just gazed at him until his back was gone. So the fact that she had to say, you brought shame to my father how the fuck does being raped bring shame to a father you know what i mean like you have your culture's fucked up when is the like the father you're like oh i'm ashamed of my daughter my fucking fifth grader my 10 year, for being raped in a mosque by a mullah. That's like being shamed that someone got into a car accident. Right.

Or was hit by a drunk driver. Like, I'm so shamed that my daughter was walking down the street and was run over by a drunk driver. Yeah. Like, that doesn't even make any sense. You know, seriously, it's like, it's like if you walked, it'd be like if my son, like, walked outside and got fucking hit in the face with an icicle that fell off the house. And I was like, I'm fucking ashamed of you. Didn't we raise you better not to get hit with icicles?

The person next door stabbed him with an icicle. Right. It'd be the more analogous. It'd be like, I'm really ashamed that my son got stabbed? Why are you ashamed? You should be caring for your son. The other thing, too, is it says in this article, human rights campaigners have welcomed the judge's stance on the case,

especially after reports came to light alleging that the girl's family had considered killing her because the shame had been brought upon the family. The thing is, even when there's a happy ending, there's not really a happy ending. No, no. Because this is a 10-year-old girl. What is she going to do? She can't go home.

So don't get me wrong. I read I read this article and I am incredibly heartened that there is at least one moderately progressive judge living in the 21st century somewhere in Afghanistan. I mean, honestly, that is so fucking unbelievably encouraging. I was thrilled when i read this article but but everything that surrounds it everything that surrounds that decision is covered in shit and you know when that little girl says you know you have ruined my life i hate to think that she might be right well and not only that i'm like the only the things in it that are fecal matter that are sort of a sheen over everything, are the religion, right? It's all the religion.

It's the honor killing that's part of that religious tradition. Whether or not, you know, the other thing, too, is people argue, like, oh, well, you know, that's not part of the Koran or whatever. And they'll argue about that or whatever. And maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I don't care. It's their religious culture that has created this. It's not a non-religious culture. It's steeped in that religion. You can't just make a claim and be like,

oh, well, they're just, you know, that's just a different culture. It's like, well, it's also part of their religion. And the religion is what's poisoning all of that that's over there. Well, right, because as the article mentions, according to Sharia law, religious law, you know, rape isn't a crime

with a perpetrator and a victim. Rape is a crime with, religious law. You know, rape isn't a crime with a perpetrator and a victim. Rape is a crime with two perpetrators. Rape is adultery, right? And so as long as that is the religious law that informs how this crime is viewed,

victims of rape, survivors of rape, are going to be treated as people who are complicit in the act. And so they're going to somehow shame their families and this whole honor system. And, you know, it's not like there's ever been a secular honor killing. Yeah. Right. Or it's not like there's ever been a secular law which was passed, you know, which looks and says like, oh, when a crime is committed against your person, you are also responsible for that crime. I mean, that's that's fucking insane. That can only come from this fucking nonsense.

Absolutely. And when what we're praising, when we praise the moderate judge is we're praising his secular nature. We're praising the thing that he's ignoring in the religion, not praising his stance on being religious or saying, oh, well, he's such a good religious person. We're saying it's good that you're not being religious in this instance. Well, it's like we've talked about before. Like, what is a religious moderate? Someone who is less religious than the next guy. Yeah. That's what a religious moderate is. Like, what's the difference between a fundamentalist and a moderate, right? The fundamentalist really believes it and the moderate picks and chooses.

This next story comes from the Friendly Atheist blog. And we got this last week. It was sent to us as well. And I decided to talk about it this week because it's awesome. Malaysian Muslims wring hands over day of touching furry friends, wondering if it's an insult to Islam. So a Malaysian man was repeatedly asked why he insisted on organizing Touch a Dog Day in Malaysia. So in Islam, the dog is second only to the pig for unclean animals.

But dogs are fucking amazing. And I guess this guy was like, hey, let's all touch a dog. Like, dogs are super cool and people should pet them. And as evidence, if you go to the Friendly Atheist blog's website, there is a picture of a spectacularly cute dog hugging a dude. I know. Isn't it adorable? That dog is so cute.

God. I think that there are some pets that can be discounted and just be like, no, that's not a pet for me. Bad bugs. That's not a pet for me you know bed bugs that's not a pet i would own you know that's one of those pets where you're like you know that's for someone else i just don't want to own one of those i don't want the upkeep on them it's a lot the upkeep on the bed bugs it's just too much i just don't know that i'd want to do that um other than that i'm trying to think of

other pets that i would shun someone for owning. I think spiders are weird. Like owning like big giant, like face size spiders is weird in my opinion. But I, you know, I won't pass judgment on you. You want to own a spider? That's fine. Own a big spider. You want to own like a, you know, a box of cockroaches? Like good for you.

I will say though, man, like there are a handful of animals that I will, I will happily pass judgment. Like I watched that show on, on animal planet called fatal attractions where it's an awesome, have you seen the show? You're going to tell me about it. It's my, it's like seriously my fucking favorite show. So the show is, it's called fatal attraction because it only ends one way. Right. And the whole premise of the show is the people get- It ends with attraction? Hold on, hold on, hold on. It ends with attraction, right? It ends with attraction. Tell me it ends with attraction.

It does not. It starts there, though. It starts with attraction. It's the greatest show ever because- And it ends in traction. It's idiots who buy unbelievably dangerous pets like tigers and chimpanzees and fucking- And like a Death Star. Yeah, right?

And then they get these things and they're like, and then it's the hushed voice narration. It's like, yeah. And then Michael realized the baby tiger. I already love this show. I love this show.

I've never seen it. It was beyond his control. And every time it ends in the guy getting eaten by whatever it is was his pet. And it's like, it's horrifying. Like you watch the chimpanzees episode and you'll never look at a fucking chimpanzee again. Because they're so strong. Dude, they're fucking...

And when they're angry, and I know I'm on a tangent, but when chimpanzees are angry, they rip off your face, your genitals, and your hands. That seems unnecessary. They're like the worst creature possible. They're so fucking unbelievably angry. Good Lord. And these people, they get them as pets. So if somebody was like, if I met a dude and I was like, hey, that's a cool guy.

We should hang out. And he's like, yeah, come to my house. I got a chimpanzee. I'm going to be like, no, man, fuck you. You're a fucking idiot. Or like, yeah, I got fucking tigers in my yard like okay we're fucking done here but if you have like regular animals like pet animals then you're just a dude with a pet animal i don't understand it like dogs are like all of the pets

that we have dogs are not only ultra useful like Like, I don't own a dog, right? I own cats. And cats are really just, they're just like little terrorists. They just hold you hostage. You can't take them on planes. They're just like adorable terrorists, you know? But dogs are super useful, super great. They are, you know, almost always ultra loyal.

You know, they belong in the pack structure so they work great in our little packs that we create because you know guess what we're fucking animals too you know so we create these packs and dogs they just integrate so well because we fucking made them to integrate so right and and to look at this and then be like i i ain't touching no damn dog. I suddenly feel like, you know what? I'm not going to pass judgment on the guy with the spider, but I am going to pass judgment on you for not petting a dog, you jerk.

And it's like, who could look at a cute little Labrador puppy or something and be like, it's unclean. Like, come on, you gotta fucking... I honestly believe this. You gotta make an effort to do that. Like, you have to be like, ah, God, every part of me says, pet that unbelievably large-eyed fuzz bucket over there. Like, you've got to really work to not love that thing.

The point is, is that we've got to rewrite the federal government. Now, this is not going to happen overnight. It took 130 years to bring us to where we are today. It could probably take 50 years to turn it around. But if we stand on the Constitution, then everything else comes together.

So this next story comes from Chote.com or Coat.com. Legacy Pastor fires back on a highlighted ballot issue. Smothermon. That's the guy's name. That's great, right?

I am Smothermon. He sounds actually like one of those Pokemon. Well, you know, the unfortunate thing is that two teenage girls actually tried to kill somebody over the legend of Smothermon. So it's terrible. Yeah, they didn't stab him, though. They put a pill over his face. Yeah, that's what they do. Yeah, they didn't stab him, though. They put a pillow over his face. Yeah, that's what they do.

Yeah, they snuck into her room at night. It was like they were having a pillow fight, and it just got out of hand. Or they covered her in caramelized onions. Either one. They smothered her. She's so delicious. Oh, man. She's got a wonderful umami flavor.

Oh, this is great. So this pastor at Legacy Church basically put sample ballots in the church that highlighted specific candidates. And nonprofit organizations, Cecil, are not allowed to endorse specific candidates. Really? It would seem that fucking highlighting something is kind of a clear fucking suggestion when it's in the church. Man. I work for a non-profit, and they are super strict

about you are not allowed at all in any way, shape, or form to endorse any candidates, to hold any kind of, you know, left or right type of thing. You know, I mean, you're not allowed to do anything political like they are super hyper vigilant against anything political. And you would think that there would be somebody in this in this fucking place that would say,

oh, yeah, man, that's a fucking really bad idea to highlight the fucking, you know, I mean, you might as well just fucking like walk in with their voter card and vote for him. Well, in his rationale, you know, this guy says, why is it the church is the only one in America that cannot say anything? And it's like, well, motherfucker, because you are a 501c3. You're a fucking tax exempt charitable organization. That's exactly why. Like, that's the reason you can't endorse candidates.

And the thing is, like, let's be really clear. A church is allowed to take a political, to take a stance on an issue. That's fine. They just can't take a stance on a particular candidate. That's like it. They don't understand that. And they really, and they can take a stance, but then they have to pay taxes. So it's not that you can't do it.

It's just that if you do do it, then you have to pay taxes. That's it. You can still do it. Your voice is not being silenced. It's just, you know, now you have to pay like everybody else, like every other company, if you try to do that. And he's talking about this as if it's intimidation. What the fuck are you talking about intimidation? that. And he's talking about this as if it's intimidation. What the fuck are you talking about intimidation?

Well, he's just trying to get around the rules. Because, I mean, what they really should be doing is taking your fucking tax-exempt status. And then he says, like, Smotherman also said that the names were highlighted because those four candidates are members at Legacy Church.

And it's like, well, great. But you're still endorsing them. Like, the fact that they're members of your church doesn't change the fact that you've endorsed them. It just doesn't mean anything. The thing is, can't you just do this fucking, because you're going to do it anyway, right? Can't you just fucking tell people rather than fucking memorializing it on a piece of paper? Right. I mean, it would be super easy.

Let's be real for a minute. You can literally say out loud any motherfucking thing you want, just don't put it in right. As long as somebody doesn't fucking tape the conversation, you're gold. Right. All day. All fucking day. And literally twice on Sunday. Maybe more on Sunday.

Depending on how many people you got in the room. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to Dissonance.Podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Do you want to support the show? Go to patreon.com. That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n.com forward slash dissonance pod, or click the link on the podcast homepage, and you can donate to the production of Cognitive Dissonance on a per episode basis.

If you can't spare any money, take a second to give us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. This story also comes from Right Wing Watch. Rick Wiles, Obama will threaten veterans with Ebola and set up Ebola re-education camps.

And I was impressed. I didn't think that you could teach Ebola. So you can't teach an old Ebola new tricks, though. So it's got to be the new Ebola. Thing about Ebola is it attacks the internal organs, and that's the common core. Hey, dude, your core looks fucking shredded thanks man i mean like literally actually physically shredded you're bleeding like you got into a fight with a bear shredded like that bad oh that's like i could i could see your heart beating. That is because you are holding it in your hands. Kalima shakti de.

All right, so I want to play Rick Wiles. He just basically keeps on calling him Ebola Obama, just because I think he just likes the way it comes off his tongue. Hey, we said Rick Wiles has cum on his tongue. Here we go, Rick Wiles. My hunch is that Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert is right. Ebola

Obama will fly West Africans with Ebola to the United States on military planes right after the November 4 elections. And where will the Ebola patients be treated? Now this is my hunch. VA hospitals. Yes, this is my hunch.

VA hospitals. Yes, you heard me right. The VA hospitals can't even take care of the veterans, for Christ's sakes. I love this. They're going to be like, oh, yeah, now we basically just put all the veterans in there and we're going to stick all the fucking Ebola patients in there. We need to fly here for some reason, but they can't get treated over there. I like that he's like, Louie Gohmert is

fucking making this up and I'll piggyback on that bullshit and make up some other stuff. You know what everyone thinks is credible? Speculating about somebody else's speculation. Oh man. Let me tell you, Louie Gohmert's been right about nothing in his life. Right.

These guys, honestly, they're as bad as the fucking doomsday predictors. And I kind of want to have... I can't wait until Obama's out of the office because I can't wait for the show that we get to do where we get to have the fucking list of all the shit people predicted was going to happen

during Obama's reign of terror. Right. And how none of it came true. Like, not a single thing. Why wait until voting day? It's not like Obama has anything to worry about. He's clearly going to have a fucking, like, a Congress he can't work with anyway. He's still got two years to set up the re-education camps for the Christians. He should just put those people on, he should just put Ebola patients in a catapult and shoot them into the congressional halls.

Like he's fucking sieging a fucking building, you know? Running out of the Congress would be the only active thing our Congress has done. It would be the most they accomplished. Like running in fear would be the most they accomplished. I suspect, I fear, that Ebola Obama will place West African Ebola victims in Veterans Affairs hospitals throughout the United States of America. He'll contaminate the VA hospitals with the Ebola virus. Ebola Obama Obama Obama Obama. Say that like six times fast while you hold your tongue and you say something obscene. There's another clip.

Let's listen to it. This is again, Rick Wiles talking about Ebola Obama. Here's my nightmare. A black president. Here's my nightmare. It's a dark night. I'm at the circus and two midgets. That's a different nightmare.

Oh, no. My real nightmare is I kissed a guy. So that's my nightmare. For December 2015, this is what it looks like ebola obama swat teams apprehend you because your neighbor called an ebola hotline and said you looked like you were having a fever and the swat team comes to your house and gives you an armed escort to one of Ebola Barry's Ebola recovery and re-education camps, where you will receive the latest innovative treatment with the newest batch of experimental drugs and vaccines. And when you are released from the Obama Ebola recovery and re-education camp, you'd be a zombie. A walking dead.

Awesome. Sweet. I always wanted that fucking show to come to fruition and be true. This is exciting. What kind of crazy shit is he making up? This is great, dude. This is good stuff. I don't know what you're talking about making up.

This is going to happen. I mean, like people This is good stuff. I don't know what you're talking about, make it up. This is gonna happen. I mean, like, people listen to this guy? What is his audience like, do you think? Man, there is some fucking serious fear about Ebola, though. There's, like, some serious fear. I was in a conversation recently about Ebola, and people freak the fuck out about it. They're like, oh, it's in New York City.

I'd be like, no, there was one dude in New York City who went over there, came back, and they fucking treated him. Right. That's it. And the person's like, oh, well, they went out bowling. I'm like, well, you don't get a bowl of bowling. Yeah, what difference does it make? Like, did you lick his blood?

Yeah. Here's the thing. Like, if you were bowling with a dude in new york and you were like i was totally licking that guy's blood then okay maybe you should be a little concerned sure yeah but if you just were like oh man i was also bowling yeah you're fine you're fucking totally fine yeah like if you're fucking like you're you're basically sticking your tongue in where his hands were or something i mean i don't even know like i mean i don't think you can get it that way like i think it's it's think it's not an easy thing to get.

You have to mess up when you're taking care of someone and do something that is like we talked about earlier, culturally, where they kiss the dead people that have fucking got blood on their face or whatever. Or you have to mess up when you're caring for somebody or care for so many people that it just just like you miss one of the protocols. That's why a lot of these doctors get it is because they just missed something that they were supposed to keep on. Well, and they're taking care of people who are in the most contagious stages of the disease.

The most contagious stages of the disease is when you're vomiting and you've got diarrhea and you've got all these excretions. The doctor who came back from New York fucking felt fine. That's why he went bowling. Right. He wasn't like, oh, man, I'm bowling and also vomiting and diarrhea. He felt fine. He was not terribly... And that's why fucking public health officials who know what the fuck they're talking about are like, eh, it's no big deal.

No one's terribly concerned at all. But yeah, man, people are like, I can't believe he rode this subway. It's like he lives in New York. That's how people get around in New York. I mean, it's not like he vomited blood on somebody in the subway. Right, and it's not like if he did, then the next the next guy is like, oh, fuck Ebola, and like immediately starts vomiting blood. It's not like a blood vomit chain reaction. Yeah, it's not

World War Z. You're not like fucking, oh god, I got something on me. You know, like fucking you immediately turn into Ebola Obama and start running around. Right. I love this guy's SWAT teams that descend upon you and then like treat you with fucking zombie drugs

and then turn you loose as the walking dead. You know, the other thing, too, is why a SWAT team? Why not a hazmat team? Because if they come and collect me, they're going to get it, too, if it's that contagious. You know what I mean? Why a SWAT team? What I got to tell you, too, if somebody was like,

we got to quarantine you because you might have Ebola, you don't need a fucking bunch of dudes with guns. I'll come very willingly. Right. Like, wouldn't you? If I was like, yeah, we think you might have an incredibly. Yeah. You know, I'd be like, I would like the best possible care and treatment.

Where do we go for that? I don't even understand what a reeducation camp could possibly be. It's to teach the virus to morph into the Walking Dead virus. Oh, you got to. You know what you have to do is you have to sit the virus down and have him watch all five seasons of The Walking Dead. All like the virus is like sitting in a chair, clockwork orange style,

with its fucking little virus eyes like pinned open and it's like, I don't even have DNA, much less eyes, I'm a fucking virus. And it's like, who cares? Shut up, virus. Fucking do what we say. And the virus is like watching these movies. And at the end of it, instead of saying Carl, it says Coral.

You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. This is weird. So weird. This story comes from Jezebel.com. Man tries to obtain addresses of strippers so he can pray for them.

A district judge has issued a temporary injunction barring the disclosure of the personal information of employees of a Washington strip club after a man attempted to obtain the information so that he could pray for them. He said, I'm a Christian. We have a right to pray for people. I was trying to do something for the public good. Because we all know that praying for people somehow is in the public good i how is that in the public good even if you follow his premise yeah i don't know exactly i will say the thing that fucking boggles my mind is you believe that you can through either words or thoughts communicate with some sort of omnipotent being

that we can't see that is on some other plane of existence or something and you can communicate with him to help other people to help push other people to mold other people to save other people you can communicate him then convince him to use his ultimate power to do this. How the fuck doesn't he know their name? I know, right? Why the fuck do you need their name? Just fucking pray for that. Be like, yeah, it was the one with the, I'm talking about the one with the big titties.

And the, you know, not the one with the little titties. I'm talking about the one with the bigger titties and the dark hair. I'm going to pray for her specifically. And I'm going to pray for her slowly. And then I'm going to speed up a little. I'm going to pray for her slowly, and then I'm going to speed up a little, and I'm going to pray a little harder, and then I'm going to speed up a little more, and I'm going to squeeze my nuts, and then pray a lot.

So that's my plan, and in the middle of it, I may start praying for the blonde one, but I'll probably switch back to the long-haired one at the end of the prayer session. Dear Lord, I'm praying for... Oh, and let's not forget...

Yeah, he'll figure it out. Yeah, exactly. He's got that one covered. He is, as you mentioned, omniscient. Let me tell you, God is watching the strippers. If there's a God, he's watching the strippers. And he's good. God's like, I could help at any time.

But they make more money an hour than I do. And I'm kind of enjoying this. So yeah, it's all good. I love the idea that intercessory... Doesn't intercessory prayer... Doesn't it sort of not make any sense at all? It really doesn't. Even if you believed make any sense at all it really doesn't believed in an interventionist god like i know intercessory prayer is so weird it's like dear god i know

you see everything and know everything but i thought i'd step in and tell you a little something motherfucker like these people really yeah like can you like i got that. Like, it's all good. It's like when it's like, we got to pray for the tsunami victims. Oh, really? Like, you think that if there was a God, he didn't notice? Wait, there was a tsunami? I had no idea. Thank you so much, Billy Bob.

I had no idea that there was a tsunami on my watch. Oh, yeah. You know, I think there's a movie that covers that really well there's that movie with jim carrey and god is morgan freeman and uh i don't know if you've ever seen it's like a comedy right so like i think i have he becomes god it's bruce almighty or something is that what it bruce almighty something like that does that sound familiar yeah i was gonna say mr deity but that's not it. That's not it. No, that's a web show. Yeah, I think it is Bruce Almighty. Okay, so, but there's a part where he looks at God's email, and it's all the prayers, right?

And he's like, oh, well, just fucking grant it. And he grants everybody their prayer. And, like, everybody wins the lottery. Like, everybody wins the lottery simultaneously. And, like, that's the thing, that if you believe in, like, a god that can intercede in our lives and does so on command it's you've also got to imagine that every time you pray and it's not answered he's specifically not answering your prayer he's specifically telling you i'm not fucking doing that that is a stupid thing to do So your God is reinforcing every little wish that you don't have that comes true. He's reinforcing how fucking stupid you are and how awful of a person you are that he's not listening to you.

He's basically like waiting for you to give him a Christmas list and then purposely buying you nothing. And then purposely wiping his ass with it. Like he's like, he's not just not buying you nothing. And then purposely wiping his ass with it. Like, he's like, he's not just not buying you anything, he's wiping his ass with the Christmas list and putting that in your stocking. And doesn't it also kind of assume that God is frankly stupid? Yeah. Like, honestly, like,

frankly, just a genuinely stupid being. Because it's like, right, okay, so like my sons are perfectly healthy. If they got sick, I wouldn't, I can't even imagine the logic by which you would pray for them to get healthy. It's like, do I need to wait for them to get sick for you to know that I don't want them to be sick? That's fucking stupid. Like, Cecil, do you think I want my kids to be sick?

Right. Like, fucking of course I don't. Why on earth would you want something like that? Right. That seems horribly inconvenient for everyone involved. But all of a sudden, like, if somebody gets sick in the family, I'd have to be like, oh, God, I didn't actually want that. Yeah. I would prefer.

Yeah, you see, I know you know everything, but I actually love my loved ones. That's why we call them loved ones. So that's the thing we're doing. And I would like for them not to be ill. So I know you couldn't have fucking predicted that one. Probably came out of left field that I don't want my loved ones to be fucking sick. I mean, what are you, fucking retarded? It's a ridiculous fucking thing to say.

So we're back with David from My Book of Mormon. David, if people have never heard of your podcast or have never listened to your podcast, could you tell them a little bit about it? Well, it's pretty simple. I'm someone completely ignorant to anything Mormon, and I decided to read the Book of Mormon cover to cover and just make any smart-ass comment I could think of as I'm reading it. And people seem to like it, so I kept doing it. But really, my real secret motivation was to finally be a guest on Cognitive Dissonance. That's the real dream.

And I finally achieved it. So I might stop now. You're the only person who's ever dreamed that, by the way. This was the whole reason. And actually, that's technically a nightmare. Well, you know, I just wanted a chance to finally work with the most professional people in podcasting. Yeah, that's what it was. Yeah, let us know when you find them.

Yeah, no kidding. You know, no, you proved it last week because you guys were talking and you were so serious and you were saying, okay, we have to give these microloans to the Kiva and it's just, we're going to help so many people. So please join the long black cock challenge. And I just yelled at my phone, how are they not laughing they're amazing these men are professionals to the core so yeah i mean nobody else could have pulled that off the thing is david it's not so much that we're professional

it's just that we're mostly dead inside yeah desensitized would be a better way to say it i go with dead inside that's what i'm doing and uh yeah i guess i started just well let me try to think back i think it was probably the musical actually and so i saw it when it was in chicago fucking hilarious if you haven't seen it it's amazing it's so funny oh crack me up it turns out that none of that isn't none of that anything is in the book of mormon apparently but anyway we'll get to that in a second. But if you remember, there was like a full page ad in the Playbill that said, okay, you had your laughs, now learn the truth. And it was like an LDS ad and said, now read the book.

And I was like, all right, fuck you, I will. So I'm doing it. And yeah, it's pretty nuts. Everything that's in there. Right off the bat, they didn't like ease you into it. Like you just get through like the first chapter and you're just like, no one really believes this. It's just crazy. Oh, I know. But it's, let's see, I'm done 40 some odd episodes. Wow. God, I'm worse than Tom. 46, I think? 40-ish? And I'm halfway done? Yeah. So I think it'll take around 90 episodes to get done, I guess, by that pace.

Since the Book of Mormon was written by some dude, right? Like, everything was written by some dude. Let's just say that. We'll just put that out there. Everything was written by some dude. At least we know the one dude. Clearly, this one was written by one dude. Are there other books that were like the prequels in the series or anything like that that came out after? Yeah, so the prequel is the Bible, apparently. So good thing I've already read that one. Okay. Which is a fun read in and of itself.

which is a fun read in and of itself. And then apparently I didn't know this until after I started that people were saying, Oh, please tell me you're going to read the Pearl of Great Price next. And I was like, the fuck is that? And apparently, yeah,

there's two more after this. So we have the Pearl of Great Price and then there's something called doctrines and covenants, which sounds horribly boring. Oh my God. So hopefully I can somehow make some fun out of that. But apparently that doctrines and covenants is where we really start getting into like kind of how Mormons live now. Because the Book of Mormon, oddly enough, doesn't sound anything like any Mormon I have ever met.

Ever. Is the Book of Mormon itself. So I've listened to several of your shows. Thank you, Tom. Yeah. Well, no, I mean, it just seemed right. You know, I felt obligated. I know.

I get it. The fact that you listened to more than one meant that means something. And actually, I think it's very funny when you say it just starts off crazy, because the first several episodes, it's like that fucking angel comes down and then was like, hey, fucking here's something. And then he leaves and he comes back. He's like, that same thing, plus also the next sentence. And then he leaves and he comes back he's like that same thing plus also the next sentence and then he like jumps up there and jumps back but there didn't

seem to be a whole lot of like prescriptions about like how to live your life it was more like well here's a fucking super crazy story so how much how much of the book of mormon because i haven't i haven't heard all 40 episodes how much of the book the Book of Mormon is actually proscriptions on how you should live? And is it like parable style, like the Bible or like the New Testament? There's only a few recurring themes, and one of them is basically be socialist. Give away everything. Wealth is evil. If you have money and somebody else needs it and you didn't give it to them, hell for you. That's pretty bad. That is probably the most recurring theme in there.

So that's one. The other one is, well, polygamy again is expressly forbidden several times. And then the last one is that, you know, if God doesn't like you or your people, he'll turn your skin black because that will make you ugly and unattractive to the rest of the world. So that's just lovely too. Well, I got a question about the polyggamy thing so really you're just going to skip over that god turns people no i'm going to get to that in a minute but okay but it does occur to me it's like what do you think like why would polygamy be a theme if you're going to say like hey by the way no polygamy like it wouldn't even occur to me if i was it wouldn't even occur to me to say like no polygamy or just like it would never occur to me to be like no polyandry. Yeah, so the only reason I can think is that he was trying to write a sequel to the Bible.

This is like Bible fan fiction. That's awesome. That's basically what the Book of Mormon is. So it's supposed to be, it starts 600 BC and it's in Israel and there's this, you know, family that God sends to America to start this new beautiful kingdom, blah, blah, blah. And so in that, like he has to kind of look at the Bible and say, well, Solomon had 700 fucking women or whatever it was and all this kind of stuff. So it could be him trying to like, okay, let me reset the rules of the Bible.

I don't know. Wasn't there. I didn't know the guy, but that's it. That's it. That's maybe. Bible. I don't know. Wasn't there. Didn't know the guy. But that's maybe. Yeah, I was just curious what your thoughts were. Because it just seems like a weird thing to bring up if you're going to bring it up to say don't do it. It's like, okay, I'm already not doing it. There was actually a whole section where there was an atheist in the book.

I was very excited about him because they called him the Antichrist. And I was like, oh, I was a giddy. I was like, we have an Antichrist. And so, yeah, I was – Korahor was his name. What a great name, right? Korahor the Antichrist. I was, I was a giddy. It's like, we have an antichrist. And so, yeah, I was Korahor was his name. What a great name. Korahor the antichrist. I was so excited. And, uh, and the, which is also interesting because it's like atheism isn't really talked

about in the Bible because it wasn't really a thing that far back in the past. Right. I mean, they had, as far as they were concerned, the sun came up because God made it happen. Right. I mean, they had, as far as they were concerned, the sun came up because God made it happen, right? And in there, it's like the most pathetic apologetic that's being used to just like slam this guy down. You know what I mean? It's like, well, look around you.

You see things. Therefore, God. Ha ha. You know what I mean? It was just so bad. Just like. Dost thou not like the taste of biscuits? Therefore, Jesus. Oh, man.

Just I'm not like the taste of biscuits. Therefore, Jesus. And this guy, you know, it's like after a few of these just like horrible arguments that could just be torn to pieces in a second, which I did on the show. He was just like, ah, yes, my bad. It was the devil that convinced me. And I was just like, this is OK. You're no Antichrist. Take that title away.

I'm a better Antichrist than you. Would it have been awesome if like showed Earth this nonsense and it was like, and then we ran across the atheist and his name was Christopher Hitchens. And the fucking book just ends. And Tom, it ends with, we are sorry. I'm so full of shit. I cannot believe it. Okay. So, David, we got to talk about the racism.

So let's talk about that are you into it we're halfway through have you yes i'm into racism all right it's easy to answer your question it's totally so i met you and you are bald so what kind of question is that you know little neo-nazi thing going on there i'm just saying yeah it was pretty early that that came out it was uh because because basically the there's one family that moves to America and the brothers don't like each other and they split. And one of them is a good, the one brother Nephi, he's a good godly man. And the other brother or the older brother Laman, he's no good. No, my God.

So he starts the Lamanites and the Nephites. So you have two different kind of warring tribes in America, apparently. And so because the Lamanites weren't good godly people, God just turned their skin black for being unfaithful and made them dark. And that is what the Mormons believe were Native Americans. Wow. Those people. Israelites whose skin were turned dark by God. True story.

Wow. Even though all DNA evidence says no, no, no, just not even like maybe it's a no. But yeah, that's the story. And so that's so is that like a reason to subjugate those people then? Well, I think it was for a long time. So I think the LDS church has done a good job of conforming to the times, right? So it was up until recently that you couldn't be a priest or bishop or whatever the fuck they call themselves if you were not white, right? So they've had to kind of like, oh, people don't like that anymore.

We should change that. And so the cool thing about their church is that they always have a prophet, right? And so the cool thing about their church is that they always have a prophet, right? So Joseph Smith was the first prophet, then Brigham Young, and now it's Tom Monson or something I think his name is. And so he can step out at any time and say, good news, everybody. God just gave me a new revelation. Blacks are okay. He can just change it.

And they're proud of it, too. When you talk to Mormons, they actually say, well, isn't that wonderful? We're a living church. We can we don't just have a book that we have to live by because God's still talking to our prophets. And it's just like, wow. OK, that's how don't know, take away their statehood or something or at least all their tax exempt status because they were violating federal law. They said, oh, turns out God just talked to our prophet. We're not doing that anymore. Good news. God talked to our attorneys. And yeah. How do they how do they reconcile? certainly like a criticism it would be pretty

easy to be leveled and certainly wouldn't be the only one to level be like wait a minute was god wrong then and now he's right now i mean because like you're it's a total fucking reversal of the best answer i got for that because i have talked to a lot of people about that very topic and the apologetic they use is that it was right for those people at that time oh so it was okay to be a racist exactly then yeah because it was back then it worked yeah it was cool it was like you know you got to look at racism like tight rolling your jeans you know like it was cool then but now it's just kind of weird it's like hairspray and your hair straight up like the girls used to do like the lion face yeah it's like a leather jacket and one glove like okay it had its day

you know it's all good wow you went way back god just god just treats people like fashion like god just looks at like human rights are just like whatever happens to be in vogue the whole human race then is just a fucking moral fashion show. Yeah, it's crazy. I've read some stories of some Mormon missionary that swears that he was in Hawaii or something like that. And he was preaching to this group of people. And the more they believed, he could visibly see their skin turning whiter. It's fucked up.

I'd heard that story, actually. Yeah, yeah. So that stayed with the doctrine for quite some time. Now they all pretend like, well, no, that wasn't really a thing. But no, it was a thing. So you have

racism, you also have the Antichrist. Has there been anything in the book that you've come across so far that has been either unbelievably hilarious or appalling yeah i have my favorite character so this guy amman and uh he was this he became a missionary and he was he actually went to go convert the lamanites those evil dark-skinned people and um while he was there he, man, how did it go down?

He was, the king asked him to, like, watch his flock or some shit, and while he was doing it, there was this band of people that were, like, scattering the flock. That's what it said. So I kind of equate it to pranksters or something, right? Teenagers. Yeah, it's like cow tipping, you know what I mean? They're just fucking with some sheep, whatever. Get out of here, flock.

So all the other shepherds are like, well, the going to kill us clearly we lost the sheep so we're dead and uh amman's like no no we can get the fucking sheep back that is our job so they get the sheep back and he's like don't worry i'll protect you and so when the little band of ruffians came back he pulls a sling out and just starts killing them and and he actually he killed five of them before they even noticed what's happening so they draw their swords which apparently they had and they come rushing the guy and he goes i'll kill bill on him and just chops off all their arms and i'm just reading this like they were just fucking with your sheep what's wrong with you yeah and then he bagged up all the arms and he and he brought the bags before the king and dropped them down as proof of what a good subject he was.

And I was just like, this story is a fun one. That was a fun episode to record. When does Ned Stark come in? I think he was dead before this was written, surely. They have his arms in the bag. That's the problem. His head's in there, too. It was his head, though.

I don't think I've had a beheading yet. It's more arm. Ammon likes chopping arms. But he's in there, too. It was his head, though. I don't think I've had a beheading yet. It's more arm. Ammon likes chopping arms. But he's by far been my favorite character. He just didn't even like, oh, you want to fuck with my sheep? You will all either die or be dismembered. Wow. No questions.

I have to think that losing an arm probably is not good for you anyway. It's not like you're going to be like, oh, I lost an arm. Can I get some antibiotics? I'll just die more horribly. Great. Thanks. That's awesome. I love the idea, too, that he just had it like he had the forethought to bag up the arms.

Because I probably would not. I admire that, actually. Because no part of me would be like, I've got to save these arms for later. I mean, this is like before refrigeration. I would just be worried they'd go bad. Well, the best part is when the king sees what he did, the king's like, I got to save these arms for later. I mean, this is like before refrigeration. I would just be worried they'd go bad. Well, the best part is when the king sees what he did, the king's like, man, I've been killing shepherds for losing sheep. That was probably a dick move because they seem like they're pretty upstart guys there.

Yeah. And then the king gets overridden with guilt and converts because apparently that was his thing. If you lost a sheep, he just killed you. It was like, this is just such a great society. I love these guys. But there's been some pretty good battle scenes in there. And I've been told, because people warn me,

like some of the parts of the book just get really boring and they get all preachy and I just get all depressed. And well, then I just start drinking more because there is a drinking game in the show. So that's helpful. So every time... Explain it to us. Explain it to us.

Yeah, every time the word yay or it came to pass, you have to take a drink. And it's funny. This was actually the idea came to me through an iTunes review. So someone actually said in an iTunes review, hey, here's an idea. Let's drink every time yay or it came to pass. And I was like, fuck it. Sounds great. So I started doing it.

And I thought maybe this is annoying. So I stopped doing it. And the one episode where I didn't do it, I don't think I've ever gotten so many emails. People saying like, dude, bring that back. So now it's just absolutely a thing. And there have been some shows where, oh my God, I think the record was 72 drinks in a one-hour episode.

It was insane. But on average, it'll take you, I do the math, and if you go to the website, which I guess I can plug right now, my book, my book of Mormon podcast.com under every show, I do the math and tell you how many beers it'll take to get through an episode. I think the last one was, I don't know, six maybe. So you get good and tanked if you really do play along. Holy shit. Six beers in an hour. Yeah. I think that's pretty good. The record was 17. And I actually put a disclaimer under that one. Like do not play along. I will have nothing to do with any legal responsibility if you decide to play along today. But yeah, it's good for the preachy chapters because when they just get into, oh, if you're good, God will take care of you. And if you're bad, he won't. I'm just like, oh, for fuck's sake, stop talking.

But there has been enough action in there. It's a pretty good story so far. I'm interested to see what happens next. I'll admit that. So now you are on Patreon and you do get money donated to you, but you don't keep some of that money. And the money goes to pay for the podcast. But then any excess, you're donating to charity. Can you tell us about the charity? Yeah. So one of the things that really kind of kept me going with the show was how many people were emailing me saying, I don't believe any of this nonsense, but I'm I'm trapped in this culture, especially people in Utah, because they're just it's you know, people can lose their family, their jobs.

jobs. And if they go to BYU, they'll get kicked out. I mean, it's, it's a pretty big deal. So you, you have to play along, right. And, and go to the service with a smile and all that stuff and wear your fucking underwear and everything else. So, and, but, but there were so many people reaching out to me saying, I just don't know how to leave. Right. And, and some of them were quite traumatized by it, especially some people that were homosexual or wait, are we allowed to say that yet? I can't remember now. Is that okay? I can't remember. Gay-ish? I don't know. Anyway, you know, people that, you know, had realized what, you know, had come to terms with their sexuality, but knew that it meant an end to everything they knew, right? And it's even more pressure there. And so, you know, my heart just started going out to these people. And there was one person in particular, her name was Taylor,

and her story was just especially heart-wrenching. And so I decided there's got to be some type of organization that can help people like this. And so I did quite a bit of searching and research and found a place called Whitefields Educational Foundation, and they specialize in therapy and counseling for people leaving faith, and especially with Mormonisms, because they started in Utah. And so I connected with them and said, you know, hey, can I give you money? And they seem to be okay with that. So we actually set up this scholarship where people that can't afford the counseling, because it's a nonprofit organization, but they do, you know, have to pay for services and facilities and stuff. And so the scholarship, but we set up is for anyone that needs that type of assistance, but can't afford it, then the scholarship will

pay for it. And so one of the, after we saw, I thought, you know, I set it up and we did it and it was kind of cool. And then after, I think a month, they, uh, maybe two, they actually wrote me and said, just so you know, there's two people that probably wouldn't be alive today without this. And that just floored me. I mean, I, I actually had a whole episode where I was like, all right, fuckers pony up more. This is a bigger deal than I thought it was, you know, and, uh, the patron really grew after that because, you know, I didn't quite realize just how how traumatic it could be to be that trapped and have nowhere to go. And so. So, yeah, I'm really happy with with the amount of support that the listeners have given to help support that cause. And I'm just I mean, because it is there's the whole doctor patient confidentiality.

I don't get the details of what's going on, but they did, you know, what they told me is that there was two people that were literally at the point of suicide, and without this, they may not have, might not be alive today. And so that was, it was a big wake-up call for me, and it just really motivated me to keep going and go all in. So anyway, it's called the Taylor Scholarship, and you can see links for it at the website at mybookofmormonpodcast.com. Man, that is truly awesome work, man, that you're doing the show and you've got this hobby and it self-sustains and then you push that right back directly into the community affected. I just

think that's, I mean, it's really unique and it's just a tremendous thing for you to do. So it's pretty amazing too that I just started out thinking maybe I could make some people laugh. Right. And then it grows. And I think you guys have done a lot of that, too, with Doctors Without Borders and Kiva. And you can probably rattle off more. But you know what I mean? You just start out thinking maybe I can make some people laugh.

And next thing you know, it's like, wait, we could do something good here, too. So, yeah, it's a pretty rewarding feeling. That's awesome, David. Well, thank you very much for joining us today, and we hope that our listeners go check out your show, My Book of Mormon. So we want to thank our most recent patrons. We'd like to thank Michael, Christopher, James, Craig, Pekka, and Alec. Thank you all

so much. We appreciate all the Patreon donations, especially all those people who give us money grudgingly. We really appreciate the grudging of the money that is given. That makes that Patreon donation all the sweeter,

in my opinion. The more it hurts for you to give. The more you actually dislike when that charge comes through, the better off we are. It's just sweet. It's like the tender flesh of a young lamb, and God is just loving it. So thank you all so much. We got a few emails we want to burn through here real quick. We got an email from Esme Tom, and Esme is going to get David Cross on our show.

Yeah, that's what she says. Well, she doesn't actually say that at all, but she does say that, and she's left us voicemails in the past, but it's been a long time of silence, a lot of radio silence from Esme. I know, a lot of radio silence from Esme. But we're super glad to hear from her. She said that she was pleased to find out that we also like David Cross. I fucking love David Cross. Yeah, David Cross is amazing. That guy's stand-up is legit. And I could probably actually quote about half of one of his answers.

He's awesome. Because I love him. He is great. And the best part about David Cross, if you've never heard David Cross's stand-up, is David Cross has no boundaries. No. He has no boundaries like he like he has no boundaries he will say some shit that you think is so off limits it's so far and just out of the realm of comedy and he will see like he makes jokes about the mentally challenged and you're just like what the fuck oh my god it's hilarious I mean it is really I mean and I love it just because it's so shocking

but also very intelligent and funny so if you have never listened to any david cross stand-up you should he's so funny we got a clip of angry koalas that is amazeballs it's so crazy so now like the clip i played for you guys back when we had Jake on, I think it was Master Baiters for Christ was the name of the episode. I think it's 181. No, I want to snuggle the fuck out of you. That's what it was. I love these are the names of our episodes.

Episode 181, Jake was on and I played a clip of Koalas fighting, but it was a different clip. I played a clip where people were outside. This is a clip of koalas fighting inside and they're like and they get into this part at the end that is just absolutely insane should i play it tom yeah dude you gotta play it it's great all right it's great our listeners need to hear this sonic love i saw a sign they just they just push each other until one gives up look how slow he's attacking They just push each other until one gives up.

Look how slow he's attacking. It's awesome. It's a weird sound. This is the most boring fight I've ever seen Goodness, goodness, goodness, goodness. That is not real. God, Jesus. What? What the fuck? Jesus. Jesus.

What the fuck? Jesus. Tom, that sounds like you after Thanksgiving dinner. I actually kind of thought you had taped me for a moment. I thought this is a practical joke. Oh, that's amazing. Thank you, Alex. That's so funny.

That is a tremendous sound. So we got a message from Phillip, and Phillip has a suggestion for people talking about godparents and guardians. It says he was also looking for a secular alternative to godparents and heard about mentors. He called up some friends who had the same sort of secular values as his wife and asked if they would take a special interest in our kids' lives as mentors. There's no requirement for them to do anything and certainly not take on our kids in the event that we die. We give them permission to step in without our knowledge and talk to our children and mentor them if they thought there was a need. We'll give our kids the same permission to go to them if they feel if they need or feel that they need another voice that's not ours. I see it as a safety valve. Maybe one day one of my kids will think they hate

me or I might become unreasonable and an outside voice may be very important. It gives me the hope if my kids want to win somewhere that they would run to them. Don't get me wrong, my kids and I are all good, five and three, so this is all for the future. I think that's a really interesting idea, and I guess I didn't really know very much about God parenting, because I just don't have any experience, any firsthand experience with godparents. But Cecil kind of explained to me that the godparent is a larger role than I had thought. Yeah, it's not just if you die. It's also they are supposed to play some sort of role in your life as a person to sort of

help you along on your first communion and things like that. And they're also, I mean, the godparent I had, my godmother was actually, I was pretty close to, and I know other people that are close to godparents too. We got a message, Tom, this is from Connor, and Connor asked an interesting question. He says, how do you feel about incest? If you take the idea of most liberal people, it's consenting adults, they can do whatever they want to do,

which is used to justify gay marriage and to justify polygamy. Then why not incest? If a brother or sister, two cousins, as long as they're both consenting adults and consenting age, why not? And he says, you may reply with the fact that inbred children tend to have more issues than those who are not, but that is not impossible to allow them to have children on their own. I just want to hear your thoughts on this.

Tom and I think stand together on this, Tom. Yeah, I don't really care. I don't have, I mean, I'm not interested in incest, but I don't care if other people have sex with their relatives. What difference, what does that mean to me? If you're an adult and you're a consenting adult and you're of age, the fact that I happen to think it's kind of gnarly doesn't mean shit. Like there's plenty of things people do behind closed doors that I might think like, oh, geez, that's not for me. Yeah. That doesn't mean that I think it should be illegal. And that's I think the conversation. Right. It's like, should gay marriage be allowed? And that's a question of legality.

And for me, it's like, I really don't give a shit if a brother and a sister or two brothers or two sisters or a couple of cousins or fucking the whole family on fucking Thanksgiving Day want to get it on. You know, I might think it's fucking personally unappealing. I might think it's extremely personally unappealing. Yeah. Especially if you meet my family, but no business to the government. We got a question from, this is from Sakura. We got a question about Israel and TV evangelists in the United States. Yeah, so Sakura says that, I've also noticed that all of these evangelist pastors are completely obsessed with Israel and Jewish people. Not in the historical sense, in the present sense, too.

Every channel has at least one or two programs a day that consists of some pastors sitting with a panel of one or two more Jewish rabbis and talking very seriously about Israel. What the fuck? It borders on idol worship. If Israel and the Jews are so fucking wonderful, how come all these evangelists don't just convert to Judaism? What the hell is going on? I get the feeling that the reason I don't understand this is because I'm not American, so who better qualified to remedy my ignorance than a couple of American atheists? And even if you're totally unqualified, I know you guys are awesome enough to have a stab at it anyway.

Yeah, I think one of the major reasons why they really love Israel and why they talk a lot about Israel is the end times stuff. So, you know, a lot of evangelists are the end times type people, and they are talking about, they want to make sure that we're all buddy-buddy with Israel because of that end times prophecy. I think that's a major reason. Tom, there's also one other reason that you mentioned earlier, too. Yeah, so they have a shared history in that they share half of the same book. So, you know, the Old Testament, you know, is shared between the Jewish faith and the Christian faith. So they have a shared history there. And so they're sort of inextricably linked. The Christian faith relies

on the Jewish faith as its foundational, you know, Jesus can't come back and fulfill the law if there isn't a Jewish law to start with, right? So they sort of have to incestuously kind of They sort of have to incestuously kind of feed off of one another back and forth in order for them to have some validity. So as a Christian, I don't think you could say the Jews have no religious validity because they're half of your book. So, I mean, they might say, hey, you know, you're not 100 percent right. You've got some work to do. You've got to get, you work to do, you've got to read the sequel, but it's certainly the case that the Christians and the Jews obviously share a faith tradition.

We got a message from Brad in Japan, and Brad says, in your latest podcast, Fisher said the rainbow flag is the mark of the beast. If this is true, then I know the name of the beast, and it is Roy G. i thought that was great that's very funny thank you very much brad uh we want to say thank you again to david michael from the my book of mormon podcast you can find him at my book of mormon podcast.com tons of stuff i mean he's got a he's got a patreon but he's got he's got 46 episodes up he's a funny guy. There's a drinking game. How can you not like this? This is all good stuff.

And, you know, we are very impressed with his charitable giving. We think he's a great guy, and his show is definitely worth a listen. So if you have an opportunity, go check it out. MyBookOfMormonPodcast.com Well, that's going to wrap it up for this week.

We are going to have a second show this week, so stay tuned for that, and we are going to leave you, as always, with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing, water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch,

late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces cancer cures, detox reflex foot massage, death in towers tarot cards, psychic healing crystal balls Bigfoot, yeti, aliens Churches, mosques, and synagogues Temples, dragons, giant worms Atlantis, dolphins, truthers

Birthers, witches, wizards Vaccine nuts Shaman healers, evangelists Conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata Nonsense Expose your sides Thrust your hands conspiracy, double-speak stigmata nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands.

Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Outro Music