Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 202: Sobbing Feelings Strangers

Episode Date: January 19, 2015

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Happy 200th, guys. Just listening to your part B of 200 and enjoying it a bit. Glory fucking whole. Thanks. Bye. Hey guys, this is David in Kentucky. I was just calling real quick to say in response to the Charlie Hebdo situation, fuck the Prophet Muhammad. Fuck the Prophet Muhammad in a special hole drilled in his head seven times

a week and twice on Sunday. And I'm happy to let anyone know that. Glory to God. Keep up the good work. Thank you. that. Gloria, keep up the good work. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Oil Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way.

We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 202 of cognitive dissonance it's all downhill cecil after the after the glorious high from our 200 a and b episode and then kind of the denouement that was 201 at this point we're just i mean we're just riding it we're just fucking riding it i'm not even gonna pay attention until like 296 until we start creeping back up right i just don't know

what to look forward to anymore maybe maybe what we could do is like do something special every 25 just so you could keep you know keep a little spice in it's like it's like dressing up you know in like that nurse outfit or something right you, we'll keep a little spice in the relationship. Put a little something in there. So next time you come to Glory Hole Studios. I'm wearing a suit of armor. We'll have to think of something real special for you, Cecil. Oh, God, it would have to be very fucking special.

Like if you could wear like three women, that's the only thing I can think of. Really? Yeah. We'd need to have a spare, too. Like, not only, like, we didn't need, like, just two. You'd need a spare. Well, I'm just thinking to break one. Like, it would take a lot of people to cover you.

Admittedly. Admittedly. You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God. Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay. Oh, my God. What's happening now?

We work hard. We play hard. So this episode is full of some crazy shit. The first one comes from alternate.org. What happened when I went undercover at a Christian gay to straight conversion camp? This sounds like the weirdest weekend ever.

It sounds so weird. Like this is one of those, forgive my voice, it's going out a little bit. I've been a little under the weather. This is one of those scenarios where you engage in a touch of like gonzo journalism, like you like immerse yourself in the subject. And I think when you get home on Sunday night, you just shudder and shake in the shower and rock yourself back and forth. Right.

Yeah. It's a really weird weekend. It's not like weekend at Bernie's. It's like weekend at Handy's. You know, I'll tell you the the the stuff that they do in this uh they basically this guy goes undercover uh goes to this gay conversion camp now he's playing uh the part of a gay man and he's actually a straight guy uh and he goes to this thing and i'll tell you i have never read a story like this where people are trying to not be gay and act and act really gay like i mean

just like i like all the hugging is really weird and just really uncomfortable it's just that they just have all this male-on-male contact it feels like it's almost like it's almost like they're just trying to reinforce you so you come back for the second session yeah i you know you know you're in for an article when the first line is i don't remember exactly when i felt his erection pressing into my back oh good lord you know that you're in for a solid read like a read that you yeah simply cannot read like on your phone at work if it's a corporate phone that's why i was trying i was like oh no oh no i do not need it looking at this this is uh i i was and as i was reading

this i kept thinking like can you imagine if there was like a straight to gay camp, like all the fucking fucking nutter tards on the right are always screaming about, right? Like the fucking they'll turn you gay camps. And like you went to like a camp full of like women and you had to like hug them and you were like super sexually repressed the whole time. And you could never even think about your sexuality. And you were constantly like bumping up and rubbing up against a sex that you were attracted to. And then the whole time trying not to be attracted to them. Right. But having someone, yeah, who's, uh, who's, uh, you're clearly is in that age group is in that sort of like, you know, is another person who you would be attracted to

right a woman who you would see and be like wow i'm attracted to her and you've got to hug her and cry on her shoulder and like hold her while you cry and try to make it seem like you know you don't have mommy issues right or something right right some weird thing like that that would be and then she would have to say sit in between your legs and lean back into you. And then like all the different things that they made these guys do. And I just – I can't help but think this is the – this is exactly what you don't want to do. I mean if you think that staying away from sexual activity with a man is abhorrent or if you think that sexual activity with a man is, uh, is abhorrent. Or if you think that sexual activity with a man is abhorrent, then why are you like really just sort of getting to the very edge of it and

then pushing yourself back? It just feels like it's like everything is this painful, like this whole weekend that this guy describes seems like it would be the most painful thing for a gay person to go through. And, and also I will say, regardless of the circumstances, the idea of spending a weekend with a bunch of fucking sobbing, feeling strangers. Yeah, I would. I would rather cut off my fucking eyelids. That sounds so horrible.

I don't want to spend. I don't want to spend a weekend like that with my wife yeah you know like i don't want i don't want to know about her feelings i don't want to fucking first of all i don't need somebody else with their fucking head in my lap crying their fucking sad song gosh yeah and i'm never putting my head in your fucking lap and crying my sad song like it's not and to get together with a group of fucking strangers and being hugging each other and telling everybody that's gonna be all right oh my god that sounds horrible that's a different lifestyle than mine i i'm totally with you i just think you know the idea that i'm gonna stand in a room and, and you have my affirmations with these people and then weep and then sob and

then beat up, beat my dad to death with an effigy at one point. He takes a baseball bat and beats a punching bag to like, it's his father and effigy and he beats it to death. And you just, you can't, that doesn't seem that first off, that doesn't seem healthy from a psychiatric standpoint. I mean know i'm no i'm no doctor and or psychiatrist but

that doesn't seem very healthy uh the the article itself is written very well it's it's there's some funny parts that i i just want to read them i'm not even gonna make a joke about it i just think it's funny at one point um he's he talks he talks about how he was bullied as a young man. So he has to give some sort of example, right? He has to give some example of what he – some sort of bad thing that went through in his childhood. Because they're immediately trying to say, one, that you have daddy issues. These people that are trying to cure you are trying to say that you have daddy issues or that you had some sort of problem in your childhood. And that's what made you gay.

That's the thing that turns you gay. There's nothing inside of you that is gay. It's these experiences. And I guess if they can hug it out enough, then it fucking it goes away. But at one point he's talking about how they have to recreate some of these things in his childhood. And so he was being held on the ground. So one of the things they did was he said he and the other men in the room kneel around me their legs pinning me in the blanket so that i have

wrapped so tight like a taquito and only my head popped out the opening so basically he had to wriggle his way out of that like a fucking caterpillar getting ready to turn into a butterfly i guess it's like a caterpillar turning into a less gay butterfly but i don't really know and then there's like a part where they're screaming finish him like what is this mortal combat right happening and finish him finish him in in a gay sense has a totally different ring than a sort of a Mortal Kombat sense. Yeah, but it's polite. You know? At least, I mean, at least they just at least they take the edge off.

Yeah, right. I mean, maybe you could rephrase it to like reach around him, I guess. You know, this reminds me, Cecil, of when my wife was pregnant with our first child, we went to a couple of different birthing classes. The second one that we went to, we went to one that was very educational

and informative. Here's what's going to happen. Here's what it's just going to look like. Blah, blah, blah. Here's what you do. Very educational, very informative, very useful. The second one was based on this book that I had read, my wife had read. She suggested I read it. I did it.

And we went to this class and it was one of those fucking experiences where um you leave halfway through because it sucks so bad you don't even care that you're being impolite when you're doing it which is exactly what we did because i i just really i just told colleen i'm like i i simply can't do this like we have to go i can't i can't play along it was one of those things where everybody's breathless the whole time yeah yeah super breathless because i'm like i'm looking at this thing and it's like you know finally he takes in a deep breath and asks what is a man and i'm just thinking like i would just fucking leave yeah i would just fucking i would just be like nope peace i'm out

i'm not doing this we're not i'm I'm not having like, I'll be honest. Like, I would have that conversation in a meaningful way, but I will not have that conversation in a fucking hokey bullshit, emotionally fraught nonsense way around a group of fucking strangers playing out their fucking made up psychodramas. That is such a fucking horseshit lame ass like like it's just emotional overload for nothing like you get nothing out of it at all and and i mean let's let's you know before uh before people you know get mad at us because we're just making fun of this thing this is a harmful thing this isn't a useful thing this has been proven to be and shown many many

times over and over again that anti-gay therapy is not useful there's no use in what they're doing and they're being violent and they're they're pointing at things that aren't the actual cause and they're making shit up as they go along there's a lot of harm that's done here this isn't just a harmless little you know you waste your money and you paid some jerk this is possible like you say trauma to the psyche well and like these guys are just i mean because there's no evidence that it works right it means that they're just making it up they're not using an evidence based approach because they don't have evidence to get you from point a to point b so without

evidence they're just making all this up. So you show up at this fucking retreat or conference center or whatever it is, and you fucking get some dude's erection pressed into your back while you answer nonsense questions about what is a man while some other dude is beating his dad in effigy. And all you get out of it is a really weird weekend. Like, that's the best case scenario. Who's that guy on the other side of the glory hole?

It's Jesus. So this story comes from the Religion News Service. Does Catholicism have a man crisis? Or is Cardinal Burke paranoid? Cardinal Raymond Burke said that the radical feminism which has assaulted the church and society since the 1960s has left men very marginalized. Well, that's very confusing because the church is run exclusively by men. How are you marginalized? Like the Catholic Church, the men in the catholic

church are marginalized you hold literally every position of power and authority yeah there are no positions of power and authority that you have a hundred percent of this is isn't it crazy it's just one of those we don't we want to make sure we take away uh the underdog status from the underdog so we're going to be the underdog now and we're so powerful we can decide that we're the underdog i guess i don't even know yeah it's crazy like as a as a coming back to that last story like what is a man you know like yeah i don't feel fucking marginalized at all like there's never a point in my life where i'm like ah today would totally have been better if i were a woman yeah it's never happened in all the history of ever yeah there's a great part of this because he's talking about um this this person it's an

editorial so it's written in a sort of scathing way so i'm going to read a little piece of it it says in spite of burke's's paranoid opinion that rampant liturgical experimentation resulted in men who were really turned off by the mass, women will stand and recite a recently revised Nicene Creed that states that Christ died for us men, then will pray to a God referred to only by male pronouns, even as god gender remains stubbornly mysterious even the language of the liturgy negates the presence of women and i you know the thing is is i understand where she's coming from but at the same time she's just got to turn to her bible i think it's mark chapter 17 verse 3 where jesus uh it's it's right here it says and jesus saith

bros before hoes. That's right. It's verse three. So all you got to do is look it up. Yeah, it's good to have that background that you've got in the biblical scholarship. I really appreciate you bringing that to the table. You know, I was surprised that Burke was bewildered by, quote, women's constant and insistent demanding of rights. It's a constant. Man, these women with demanding of rights. It's a constant. Man, these women with their needing rights. Oh, she's just nagging me night and day for her rights.

Good Lord. Yeah, people want rights. That's shocking. And then he talks, then he goes on arguing, talking about feminized priests. So now he's basically saying that's not enough. It's not enough to say that like women want rights and that's bad and then so but even but now if it's not women now it's feminine dudes now it's guys who aren't like fucking masculine enough like how masculine do you

need to be to be a priest well he says he says they're uh men according to burke have particular gifts and make sacrifices and demand and defend their families with chivalry. They are heroic and should demonstrate a manly identity and manly virtues. And you look at this guy and he's like a hunched over 70 year old dude. And he's like, dude, I can't learn how to be manly from you. There's nothing manly about you. You're like an old man.

The only thing is like old manly. I guess you could teach me how to be an old manly but that's about it yeah i do like the there's a line in here that strikes home to what you were saying it says it is ironic that a man who wears silk and lace chooses to lecture men on what it means to be masculine and i just find that very amusing not that not that wearing like there's nothing about like your fucking physical trappings that is what makes a man a man or, like, what makes somebody masculine or feminine. It's just a ridiculous idea. The idea, too, that, like, that the Catholic Church wants to be the underdog, right?

Like we talked about before, like, if they can't have it legitimately, they'll just fucking make it up. Yeah, we're the underdog. Us men in the Catholic Church, totes underdogs. they can't have it legitimately they'll just fucking make it up yeah we're the underdog us men in the catholic church totes underdogs this article has a link to uh cardinal burke and it's got pictures of him and liberace right next to each other and it's fucking outrageously hilarious like it's so funny there's this huge he's wearing this huge cape he's wearing this huge cape. He's got this lace gown on. I mean, it's the only thing you call it is a gown. And it looks, I mean, it looks so ridiculous.

He looks like a, he looks like when you, you're going to take your child to the first baptism. Like he looks like a giant baby. It is the most ridiculous looking thing. And it looks like a lace little apron. It looks like something you would buy at Taboo Taboo. Have you always wanted to win the lottery? Do you suffer from chronic poverty syndrome? Do you have real problems that are too much work to actually work on?

Would you rather pretend to help than actually help? Prayer might be right for you. So this little spot of good news in the world comes from uh... Oh no! Standardmedia.co.ke That's somewhere.

Six die at Prophet David Aworoo's Nakuru Crusade. Man! Jeez. There is no way to pronounce that properly. I feel like I'm talking to a native speaker right now. So there's a prophet, David Awaru. How am I going to pronounce that?

Awaru. Awaru. Awaru. You sound like someone who has just learned use of their mouth all right let me try it for real that it's either that it's either that or you sound like rocky after he's been punched in the head a bunch of times all right i'm gonna give it a whirl here here we go it's prophet david how would you pronounce that you give it a whirl i don't know it's

oh so prophet david uh had a crusade uh somewhere in a in the world a crusade wait a crusade yeah crusade it's grand crusade though it's not one of those pale fuck crusades that fucking wait hold on anybody can do this was a grand crusade what was grand about it well here's what was grand about it six fucking people died at the crusade. But, you know, to be fair, they died of natural causes. Natural causes. They were brought to the crusade to receive healing miracles.

Right. But instead they received nothing. Okay. And they fucking died. Well, at least it wasn't crusade-induced death. Right. That's, you know, okay, I get it. It would have been much more useful if they had been brought to like the mayo clinic for example right you know where you can

actually get treatment um and the reason we want to talk about this is this this fucking guy has these healing shenanigans and people show up and this these are the kinds of things where people show up and then they postpone actual treatment yeah they yeah they funnel their time and their resources to getting to these crusades you know traveling to them staying at them spending money spending time spending energy that may be valuably uh kept to fight whatever ailment they have that fucking and then they fucking die anyway because it turns out a motherfucker can't cure you like this. Yeah.

You just show up to a place like this. And like you say, you've wasted your time here. And tell me he's going to get to you. You look at this picture. There is a field full of what could be a quarter of a million people. So many people. Look at this. It's just, I mean, even if it's like 60,000, let's just say it's 10,000.

Is he going to have enough time for individual care with everybody and, you know, lay hands on you? And what do you get at the very end of it? If you die, do you get like a do you get like a T-shirt that says I went to this Grand Crusade and all I got was dead? It's like your Sunday worst. That's what they're putting you on. And like, we want to be really clear, right? Because Cecil and I are not blaming the people who are desperately looking for anything to help treat them. Right.

Like if I were fucking sick and desperate, who knows? You know, I mean, and some dudes like I got a cure for that. Nobody else has a cure for that. Maybe I'd be interested in the cure for that. The problem isn't the people who show up and desperately want to be cured from being ill. That's fucking human and understandable. and desperately want to be cured from being ill that's fucking human and understandable the problem is the motherfucking uh vampires who sell these fucking bullshit cures that they know are bullshit so like make no mistake this guy knows it's bullshit he's a money hungry vampire

and that's all it is and it's and it's the thing is, it's crazy. These guys don't work together. At the bottom of the article, they're talking about how he condemns other local preachers who spend their lifetime, and I'm quoting directly from the article here, pushing believers for miracles in the name of making money, saying such days are long gone and God will punish them for cheating and misleading his people. And you're like, wait a minute, you're doing the same thing. You're just doing it in a different name. That's all he's doing. He's just making it look like he's legitimate by chasing out people who are con men when he's doing the same con. And isn't that like a great tool of the con man, right? Like you point out, I mean, you could even do that to a shill in the audience. You know, you have a shill, You point out how they're not legit.

And all of a sudden you're the good guy. Right. Like I've saved. Look at what I did. I'm not like that. I'm I'm legitimate. I found the pretenders. You know, I'm looking out for your best interest. And all that does is it increases your brand. Right. It increases the people's buy into your bullshit. But at the end of the day, it's fucking bullshit. It's just nonsense. Proof is in the fucking dead people. Lord, we just asked it to be covered with the blood of Jesus.

Open hearts, Lord. Open hearts. So this little delightful turd comes from the raw story. Pastor, I punched a kid, quote, as hard as I could. That's the best part of the whole thing, for not taking the Lord serious. And see, so look at this guy miming in the first photo, punching some kid as hard as he could. I like that he punched him with 100% of the possible force he could muster. How hard does he kick? When you are beating children, it is important to never pull your punches, right?

So that's how I discipline the baby that we have. We have a baby, and it's important that you discipline infants. And so I just kick him just as hard as I can. Boom. You get some real air on him. Sure. And it toughens the kid up. I mean, come on. that you discipline infants and so i just i just i just kick them just as hard as i can boom you get some real air on them sure yeah and it toughens the kid up i mean come on this is what you this is how you toughen the kid up otherwise they'll never learn they'll take advantage of you never learn and this guy after he was done punching the kid i think he said i'm strong to the finish because i eats me spinach and then afterwards he was like, ah, all right.

So we've got to play this. This is a clip from this guy. It's from his, his church. So he's, he's speaking at his church. Uh, and his name is,

uh, pastor. Damaman. Daman. Damn. Whatever his name is. Pastor. Damn the man.

There was a young man in Calvary. Uh, his name was Ben. And I was running a youth group. I was there for a few years. And he was just, he was a nice kid, but he was one of those kids that was always just, he's a real smart aleck. Was a bright kid, which didn't help things, right? Made him more dangerous.

Wait, why would bright make him more dangerous? Because he can see through your bullshit, you dumb. Because he's not listening to your dumb shit, is that it? God, to say that out loud, to admit out loud. I know, I know. That a kid being a bright kid is dangerous to your fucking message. Like, oh, you know, if people start thinking about this, they're going to realize it's all made up.

And we were outside one day, youth group, and he was just trying to push my buttons. And he was just, you know, kind of not taking the Lord serious. And I walked over to him, and I went, bam! I punched him in the chest as hard as I could. I crumpled the kid. I just crumpled him. And I said, I leaned over and I said, Ben, when are you going to stop playing games with God?

I led that man to the Lord right there. There's times that that might be needed. You led him to the Lord when you punched him in the chest? I love that he gloats. Like, I beat a kid so, I beat a kid. As a grown fucking man, I walked over to a kid who was a nice kid and a smart kid, and I crumpled him.

Oh, man. When I beat kids, I'll tell you what. When I beat kids, they stay beat. That's how I beat my kids. You should see how I treat my wife. I love Jesus. I love that he crumpled him. The kid's not a Toyota. You know what i mean like what the

fuck i hit that kid so hard his fucking airbags went off yeah his side airbag exploded what's the message here i mean really i can't i can't even parse this out when i think about it if i was sitting in the audience what's the message the message is it's okay to hurt another human being as long as you lead them to jesus afterwards or as long as that pain sort of forces them to respect jesus i guess i don't really even know what the fucking message yeah it's conversion through violence right i mean it is conversion through violence like you will and then he says like i think the message they're trying to take away is that is that there are times when you have to be serious about spreading the good word by punching children. It's the good way.

It's not. It's not just a good work. If some smart kid tries to tell you it's a good word, you tell him it's the fucking best word. And you wallop him in the fucking head. Right, that's exactly it. And if you're trying to teach a kid about Buddha, you just got to shake it. If it's a baby, you got to shake the shit out of it.

I mean, you just got to shake it and shake it and shake it until it understands that Buddha is the way. I think that's what you have to do. What I've done, Cecil, is I've filled a potato gun full of Bibles. And whenever I see somebody who doesn't appear to be taking the Lord seriously, I shoot them point blank in the face with a Bible at about 100 feet per second.

Oh, that's nice. And so when they're recovering from the traumatic brain injury, then, you know, first of all, they're not as smart, so it renders them less dangerous. And then they know that God loves them. That's how you know first of all they're not as smart so it renders them less dangerous and then they know that god loves them that's how you know a loving god wants you to be hit in the face very hard and that'll wake i think that wakes you up i mean it wakes you up very briefly before it knocks you out but it wakes you up one of your other options is to get like those knuckle rings that just say like lord across and they just pound the shit out of somebody yeah sure have you met the lord what boom and then you know then they know they know to take it fucking

serious you could also put a cock ring on him and smack his balls that's another option but that's that's sort of that's like the catholic way i mean like that's sort of that only works for little kids yeah oh no wakefield is not just any researcher. His 1998 study on autism and childhood vaccines literally changed the way many parents think about vaccines. The study was based on just 12 children. That's right. 12 children. But many parents desperate for answers around the world embraced Wakefield's claim that he'd found a link between autism and the vaccine for measles, mumps, and rubella. So this story is actually a BuzzFeed news story. A number of measles cases linked to Disneyland rises to 26, health officials say.

So Disneyland, it's a world of wonder. It's a world of joy. It's a world of pus-filled pestilence, as it turns out. But only if you decide not to get your fucking kids vaccinated. 26 cases, Cecil. Measles is incredibly – it's airborne, and it is the most highly contagious disease. Full stop. It's crazy.

It's insanely contagious. It's crazy. Exposure. full stop it's insanely contagious it's crazy exposure you know i was reading something like it's it's 90 to 95 percent of people exposed to measles will get measles that is an incredible level of virulence that that disease has and it's fucking airborne what we should do is come up with some way some proactive strategy what could we do tom i don't even know i mean like we just i think we need somebody smarter than us to figure out some way to combat this gotta be they said that the age range of the people who were infected one of them

was like eight months and then they they worked their way all up to like 21 years old or something like that i thought it said in the article i can't find it here now but it did say um that some were partially vaccinated and at least two were too young to be vaccinated so how shitty would that be that you haven't even had a fucking opportunity to get your fucking mmr or whatever it is that it is the shot that you would need but you still get the fucking measles because some jagoff takes you know doesn't vaccinate his kids or you know winds up because it it spreads through there like wildfire yeah because if you know you have people who don't vaccinate they're at risk and then you have the people who show up that have the disease that are from another country they said that they

traced it from somebody else from like another country or something and you're just like well fuck you just you know you didn't even do anything you just i mean you were gonna follow the rules and get vaccinated and all that now you're fucked now you got fucking measles and it's not a fucking harmless disease it's not especially for fucking infants right i gotta tell you man i would be fucking mad as hell if my infant got fucking measles because some dipshit decided not to get fucking immunized. I would be so fucking furious if I had to deal with like, oh, now I have fucking my infant has the goddamn measles because somebody else's irresponsible bad actions led to that. You know, we've got there are also there's just people like grown ass fucking people who are immune compromised, who can yeah fucking vaccines and they gotta walk around and live in the world and this idea that like well you know in the united states we've mostly eradicated these diseases so we don't need to

and i've heard this you know we don't need to get these vaccines anymore like the united states is not a goddamn bubble like we live in a global society and if you want evidence of that just look at this let's look at this case like you stayed in the u.s you didn't leave but you know what people fucking come here and they leave here and go places and come back it's a fucking global world it's motherfucking 2015 we've got aeroplanes yeah and and you know you could argue since this was at disneyland it was actually it's actually a small world after it's proof right seriously though that's that's a shitty thing to put an infant through you might even have to hospitalize your infant the infant

people have died from the measles it's not like that's unheard of you can die from the measles it's an extremely high fever it's you know being super sick and having fucking nasty fucking sores and shit i'm not sores but you know what i mean like fucking bumps and shit all over your body it's not a fucking pleasant thing to do it's not like oh it's fucking saturday afternoon what i want to do i want to get the measles today that sounds like it'd be a good time that's not like it's not like eating a fucking ice cream bar it's not happy go fun time it's a shitty time and the parents who say i want to make sure that my kids just deal with it and they'll be stronger if they do it. These are all the same people who like shelter their kids and homeschool their kids. It's fucking crazy.

It's like all it's like such a such a backwards way to look at it. Like, wouldn't you want to protect your child from this? Don't you want your child to suffer less? Isn't that an important thing to you? But instead, it's just, oh, fuck it. We'll just we don't need it. We'll just we don't you want your child to suffer less isn't that an important thing to you but instead it's just oh fuck it we'll just we don't need it we'll just we don't need this fucking vaccine and then you go to a place that is a tourist destination for the entire world and you get fucking measles and like i gotta tell you like if there was a vaccine that made my kid never get sick at all for anything i would get him that you know like regardless of like how

like how dangerous or not dangerous you think measles is like who wants to get sick being sick always sucks even like yeah if there was a fucking vaccine there i didn't get the fucking common cold anymore which is no more than a fucking mild inconvenience for most i i'd be like i'll take that fucking vaccine because i think being sick sucks like if you ever say like would you be would you rather be healthy or sick i mean i will always rather be healthy there's never a time where i'm like oh man uh gosh i really wish i was fucking actually sick that would be way better and isn't like the only the people who would say i would like to be sick they're like people that are like psychiatric, psychiatrically like compromised. Like, aren't they?

Aren't they a little crazy? Isn't that like a phobia or something like a hypochondriac thing or something? Yeah. I mean, I cannot imagine a world where somebody actually says, man, being sick is way better than being healthy. Like, sure. If they were normal, like if they're if they're abnormal, maybe they'll say that. But then I think you already have to agree that they're already sick right yeah it's like well fucking mission accomplished so yeah but it's also like i'm reminded remember a long time ago

we covered that story where people were mailing off the uh yeah lollipops yeah the fucking chicken pox infested lollipops because there's this bizarre notion that if you get the disease, quote, naturally, that it's better. But at the end of the day, it's such a misunderstanding of vaccination. Because at the end of the day, you're left with the same thing, which is antibodies against getting the fucking disease. It's just that in one scenario, you didn't actually have to get the disease. Yeah, but you could also like don't you also if you get chicken pox like naturally can't you aren't you like gonna get shingles or possibly get shingles yeah so you know i mean like i you got it i got it right so like we're gonna

have to get fucking shingles vaccines because if you there's a possibility of recontracting or whatever i'm not really 100 sure how the shingles thing works i'm not i'm not really that interested i kind of am looking forward to the shingles i'm looking forward to shingles that sounds great i actually hear it's super painful i know i hear it's like the worst shit ever i don't want that but you know what i'll get the goddamn shingles vaccine This story comes from The Guardian. Saudi cleric issues fatwa on snowmen. A prominent, prominent Saudi arabian cleric uh try to be surprised there's probably no more than two or three hundred thousand of them um has issued a religious edict a religious edict

forbidding the building of snowmen and my first thought was like you're in saudi arabia what are the fucking chances that any fucking that this is like a local issue you really need to deal with yeah this is this is awesome there's some parts where he says um they posted a photo of a man in formal arab garb holding the arm of a snow bride and snow bride is in quotes wearing a bra and lipstick. The reason for the ban itself is sedition. He says this person's supporters said that building a snowman is imitating the infidels.

It promotes lustiness and eroticism. And I'm thinking, you know, they just don't understand what blue balls are. Maybe they think they're really cold balls. They're just really, really cold balls of snow. No, that's very different, I think. And there's lustiness.

The snowman shape itself, the three balls, right? One large one, one sort of middle one, and one for the head. If that can turn you on, man, you have a vivid imagination well to be fair i would totally fuck a snowman i just think that's hot dude i mean well no it's never mind the fact that my dick would fucking freeze and fall off in the process right right can you imagine the chafing like fucking snow is all like rough and angry. Like it would be the shittiest experience ever. It would also be it would also be the worst snow cone flavor possible, by the way. That's not one you get twice.

You only order that once. Yeah. You got to eat a lot of pineapple ahead of that to make that. I'm not sure that that would work. You got to get hot sauce. If you eat the hot sauce, then there you go. Yeah. But they do say wash with cold water. the hot sauce, then it's – There you go. Yeah. Well, they do say wash with cold water.

So, I mean, it's the coldest water. It's really the coldest you can get water. It turns out. That's it. Yeah. I do like that one of the supporters said, may God preserve the scholars, for they enjoy sharp vision. And I love this.

Recognize matters that even Satan does not think about. And you have to wonder, like, I don't think that was really a supporter. Like, that strikes me as saying, like, hey, look, of all the shit, of all the fucking evil shit in the world for you to be concerned about right now, you're like, well, I don't know if it's fucking Islamically acceptable to build snow roughly in the shape of a lumpy human. Every snowman looks like me. Like every snowman.

That could pass for me. That's why I was saying it's the least attractive thing in the world. Yes, it is basically me. So, yeah, it's very round on the bottom and a little less round on the top. It's very round on the bottom and a little less round on the top. Podcasters. They live in squalor, destitute and disenfranchised, eking out an existence as best they can in such desolate places as Chicago.

In pairs, but otherwise alone, they suffer from hunger and thirst, barely making it day to day on store-brand chicken wings and weak domestic beer. Fly away from here From this dark old hotel room And the endlessness that you fear But now you can help. For just a few dollars a podcast, pennies a day, you can give them the restaurant-style chicken wings and imported beer that they so desperately need.

For less than the price of a cup of coffee, you can make a difference in their lives, allowing them the opportunity to rant unfettered, as nature intended. Please, go to patreon.com backslash dissonance pod today make a pledge and help these poor innocent creatures lead a life worth living so this story comes from media it, ultra-Orthodox Jewish newspaper, edits female world leaders out of Charlie Hebdo march.

So the march across Paris that included 40 world leaders that was for solidarity after the massacre obviously contained world leaders, and world leaders sometimes are women unless you're jewish i guess in which case right they edit them out like they fucking photoshopped out the women's yeah when i first saw this picture i thought oh did they just crop it and they cropped out like this woman on the side and this other woman on the side and they just cropped them out that's what I thought I was like ah they probably just cropped it and then I started looking I was like

oh wait a minute like France Germany's fucking leader like the prime minister of Germany or whatever is right in the front and she's completely gone dude she's just not there she gets fucking completely just removed right out of it.

And it's funny because when you look at the two different images, it's like when you used to do those little things when you were a kid where it's like spot the differences. And you've got to work your way through. There's a part on the side where there's a woman, a shorter woman, who's holding two guys' arms. So there's the two guys' arms. And she's got her little gloves in their arms and at one point they show this this guy uh standing next to this other guy and they photoshopped his arm away from his front and made it look like he has a tiny little short arm that's holding on to the woman it looks so ridiculous all of these look so silly. And like they completely remove that woman totally from the drawing.

They completely just cut and move the whole piece over. They didn't even care. They just wantonly went in and just destroyed the whole image to take women out of there. So like that you just what forget that women exist or that women can be leaders. Yeah. Like I don't even know what this accomplishes like do you do you think that now all of a sudden like angela merkel's not like in charge in germany because you took it off the front page of your newspaper you know like it doesn't make any sense like it like the chancellor of germany doesn't change because you decided not

to show it i right this is one of those things where you see it. It's like this is just so fucking odd. I can understand. I can't even – you know what I mean though. I can understand that you might have a worldview where you don't think it's appropriate for women to be in positions of power and authority. I think you're fucking goofy for it. But I can understand that that worldview exists what i can't understand is trying to like manipulate reality so that it fits your worldview

like look around like that's like saying like there's no dogs in the i mean seriously it's just like that it's like saying like there's no it's like if the amish not only didn't use cars but refused to accept that there were cars and what would be really weird is if the Amish not only didn't use cars, but refused to accept that there were cars. And what would be really weird is if the Amish used Photoshop. That would be really weird, I think. I'm surprised this thing isn't carved into a stone tablet. Right? I mean, if you've got a Stone Age worldview.

Might as well. Might as well. So, like, using 20th century or 21st century technology to, like, try to continue a Bronze Age worldview is fucking weird. It's super fucking weird. And, like, does anybody really think it's effective? Or is it just that, like, the sight of women is so offensive that it's like editing out, you know, like taking out the fucking fucking bacon ads when you sell you know muslim newspapers like oh well i wonder about that i wonder if if they wouldn't have sold any if they were to keep those women on the cover i wonder if they would have said oh we can't sell this because nobody will buy it all our like weird people who are our

customers will just pass it over and say oh well there's a woman on the cover i can't actually buy it yeah you know i i don't know and like what else is weird about it is like uh makhmud abbas is on there the palestinian president and like i would think that if you're an ultra orthodox jew and you're and you've got issues you've got issues with a certain world leader, maybe it's time to revise. I'm just saying maybe a revision of priorities is in order. You want answers? I think I'm entitled to them.

You want answers? I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. So this story comes from Right Wing Watch. Rick Wiles, gays and secular jews and obama jews that's right obama jews obama jews they're actually delicious they're very chewy yeah i i actually the first thing i thought is like that's when you go to jamba jews and you ask for the obama jews yeah would you like a cherry obama juice oh yeah that's pretty good

it's pretty tasty they'll destroy america cecil i didn't even read the whole thing god damn me right wiles gays secular jews and obama jews will destroy america with their evil communist plans to foment a race war all right let's just play rick wiles this is rick wiles from his crazy rick wiles show, the end time show, true news show. Sorry, we're going to play the first clip. Let me ask you this question. Why is it so difficult for most people in America

to realize that Barack Obama is a jihadist and that he has formally, officially switched sides in U.S. foreign policy. Well, because none of the actions actually match that behavior at all. That's why I think it's very hard for people to understand. That is super problematic about trying to understand. Also, he's still fucking drone striking. And it killed like 50 of them in syria with airstrikes so yeah i think i think they're still kind of wholesaling killing people all around the world uh and he's not really a muslim the u.s

now officially supports the muslim terrorists and opposes israel it's not that difficult to see what's happening here in the usa bar Barry Sotero, alias Barack Obama. Wait, what? Yeah, I was looking that up earlier. So I guess as a child in Indonesia, Obama, I'm reading from the wiki. Obama was called Barry, sometimes Barry Sotero, reflecting his stepfather's surname. So it's just a name that he went by as a kid. How it's possibly relevant, I cannot possibly.

I don't. What a weird thing to say. Yeah, why would you like, here you've got a guy with a with an unusual name that the name the sound of the name would almost serve to bolster your crazy claim and you're going to go out of your way to choose a more comfortably americanized name that'd be like saying like you know abu sharif muhammad Abu Sharif Mohammed, a.k.a. Bill Smith. Gosh. Continues to lead his Marxist revolution to overthrow American society and its government. Why would he overthrow the government that he's running?

I was going to say, like, how do you overthrow your own government when you are the government? Right. What's that? Doesn't like it's just like it's like turning your blanket. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm so mad, I'm going to sleep with my blanket upside down. Okay, that did nothing. That actually did nothing at all.

I don't understand it. I can't. I don't know how you actually do it. I don't know how you overthrow yourself and then still keep the same position. Yeah, where lies the advantage? Like, like ha now i'm out of power damn it i don't know you would think you'd try to it'd be like it'd be like rising to a position of authority in your company just so you could fire you just so you could just so you could make the company go out of business? Yeah, right. I just don't get it. Now that I have stock options, I'm going to tank our stock price.

We have Marxist communists marching in the streets of U.S. cities chanting, what do we want? Dead cops now. And what happens? Cops sitting in their cruiser get shot in the head. Is it any surprise that this is happening? I warned the American people in 2008 that Barack Obama is a dangerous Marxist communist revolutionary who will start race riots and another civil war and set America on fire.

He's not only a Marxist, but he's an arsonist, too. That's awesome, man. Oh, gosh. You know, some presidents just like to watch the world burn. President Barack Nero Obama. No, it's Barack Barry Nero Sotero Obama, I think. Barack Barry Nero Sotero Obama, I think. He's getting away with his radical revolutionary agenda because people can't believe it's actually happening.

It's so surreal that people can't bring themselves to admitting that a Marxist communist revolution is actually underway in the United States of America. That is just amazing. The reason we can't believe that the Marxist, socialist, evil, revolutionary race war is happening is because, you know, it's not happening. So that's really like the hard part about trying to wrap your head around it. Like, have we had a few uh issues of of significant racial tension sure but like would we blame them on the president if there was some white dude in office no like that's not how that would work like so this this is like like this like confirms the worst fears of the racist right-wing ideolog right? That like a black president will lead to a race war, but there's no race war. It's not a race.

Like a race war is not like a bunch of people primarily protesting peacefully and chanting and like a vigorous national dialogue. That is not a race war. If that's a race war, it's like the most tepid fucking race war possible. Well, and I think that just shows how fucking tightly clenched these guys as assholes are when it comes to somebody else. Right. When it comes to the other, whatever the other is, these guys just flip the shit. Because if if all these people go out in the street and demonstrate that to them is a race war, They think that's a race war because the status quo is being questioned because people are being people aren't aren't willing to take the abuse that that they've received in the past. And whether or not, you know, that would be, you know, I've been in a lot of discussions about whether or not that abuse is real.

And I think I think that there's a lot of cases of police abuse you know you know you don't want to say that all policemen are bad people but you clearly want to say like there are some serious problems that are happening with some police officers and they constantly get covered up because police officers protect other police officers so you have some real fucking serious problems when it comes to the police um you know i respect the police and i think that's you know that they that they do a tough job uh but at the same time i think that they got to do their job right and they got to do their job in a way that um that should be looked at that should be able to be scrutinized from the outside and not have

any questions behind what their actions what they did there's there's a lot of times that the police officers do some bad shit and then they then they they kind of look at you be like well i do a really hard job you're like well fucking so what like just because i do a hard job like let's say fucking you know running a pipeline is a hard job if i happen to spill a bunch of crude across america it's still my fucking fault you know you can't just throw your hands in the air just because your job is tough and say oh well i do a job, so you should forgive all my fucking transgressions. No, you don't get forgiven your transgressions. In fact, we hold you to a higher standard because you do do a tough job.

Well, and not just a tough job, but like it's a job where you're given tremendous power, like physical power over the safety and well-being of other people. They walk around with fucking guns on their hips, literal guns on their motherfucking hips. So if you're going to have people who are patrolling your society in an armed way, I mean, you have to have oversight. And I think that if nothing else, these conversations that we've had, you know, do lead us back to conversations about how we oversee the police, what responsible police oversight looks like, you know, who should be doing that work, how well, the police said it's cool. And then we checked with the other police who police the police and they said it was cool. So it must be cool. And that's not really good enough. So we want to thank our latest patrons. We want to thank Adrian, Jack, Wally,

our latest patrons. We want to thank Adrienne, Jack, Wally, Jerry, Rob, Rasmus, Brandon, Sean, and Liam. Thank you all so much. Your generous donations go a long way to making sure the podcast happens. We just had a groundswell of support recently, and we're just

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happen to like the show and you haven't rated us yet, we'd love to get a rating from you on iTunes. We'd love to read the reviews and we always get a thrill out of it. If you like the show and you enjoy the show, we encourage you to rate us. If you don't like the show,

we have no idea why you listen, and we encourage you not to rate us. And you can also, another useful place to rate us would be on Stitcher as well. That would be, although it's a pain in the ass to do, I'm not going to lie to you,

but if you get around to that, we'd greatly appreciate that as well. I think you have to just go to the site. It's a lot easier if you just go to the site right it's not it's not easy on your phone i think it's funny like uh uh i think you have to you wind up rating the stitcher app if you try to rate it's this weird yeah system that they have set up but if you go i i know that you can rate us on stitcher if you go to the website and you find us on there. We got a message from Paul, and Paul says, I'm a regular listener to Cognitive Distance and want to congratulate you on your excellent podcasts.

I think he sent an email to the wrong person. It says, I have a suggestion for an interview. Someone who has a strong interest in parapsychology but considers himself a skeptic. I'd like to hear a debate with knowledgeable proponents which is often

wanting i often listen to the podcast skeptico with alex sakaris i have no idea if i'm pronouncing that right whatever his name is uh though i do not share his conclusions i consider him to be one well-versed in the subject and a capable debater i see uh he has recently published a book provocatively titled why science is Wrong About Almost Everything. Wow. Well, wow. That's a fucking bold claim. That's a lot of things to be wrong about.

That's really a lot of things to be wrong about. I'm glad they were wrong about how my cell phone works. Right. I'm sure they're like earth rotating or moving around the sun. Like physics, chemistry, biology. Super glad they were wrong chemistry biology fucking all the the fucking pills i take and things that you know ibuprofen and super wrong like stem cell research in any case uh he says i think an episode where you interview or debate him on questions of

parapsychology pseudoscience would be fascinating uh paul that's not our show. We're not a debate show. We just, it's not something Tom and I really have all a lot of interest in. This is more of a preaching to the choir show. So it's not something that we, we, we really do. I think very, we do a lot of justice too. I think we just bit, you know, we, we have been on it in a couple of debates in our podcasting career and both times I think that we've just walked away from it a little more aggravated right necessary and we do this for fun we do this because we want to have fun and talk and joke around and that doesn't sound like a jokey show that sounds like i would be mad the

whole time you know the closest i ever came on on one of these shows to was edited out when we were on it we were guests on a show and i got guests on on a show yeah and i got into it with somebody and had a vigorous and slightly aggressive back and forth and it was just edited out like it just ends up not being completely gone yeah so yeah it wasn't funny and and it was just mean it turned out it was just mean we got a message from minnesota gooch and a couple of things the first says he says so i got on the bus number three in minneapolis at one of the stops a woman stepped onto the bus and uh instantly thought to myself oh i didn't know there was a star wars convention that's awesome how did i

miss that god i'm such a terrible nerd how could i have missed that and he berated himself and he said oh wait that's a muslim woman in a super fancy full burqa with some rhinestones on the sleeves not someone cosplaying a binged out imperial card that's great oh that's great he also says at the bottom that he got off at the wrong exit when he was traveling to detroit oh he's traveling from minneapolis to detroit through chicago so it he wanted to hit the most economically bereft areas of the Midwest, I guess. Oh, my God. Yeah. Decided to travel through.

And he says that when he got off, he says he got off the expressway because there was just like a big fucking crazy jam up. And he got off in a pretty bad part of Chicago. And he said, within 30 seconds of taking the exit, an undercover cop and a beat up great cruiser pulled up next to me popped his siren and waved i rolled down my passenger window and he said hey there this is a really bad neighborhood you look like they have a very nice family there you should leave the area and he said and the guy says i was unaware you lived in such a rough place i am so sorry if i had known earlier i would have stopped by your houses to collect you and your families and take you to detroit with me uh yeah i i get your joke but really there are some really fucking dangerous parts of chicago some places in chicago where you just do not want to

be uh and it's because the city is deeply segregated i live in a very nice neighborhood i live in a you know a wonderful neighborhood that has a very low murder rate but if you go i would say maybe four miles from where i live there are some really horrible fucking places that you know they call it chiraq i mean it's fucking it's a it's people die here constantly uh through gang violence and it's just a horror i mean and it's it's a horrible horrible place in some places chicago i won't i won't try to defend it's uh it is it i don't know that detroit though is going to be the solution. Yeah, I think that's the joke.

I think that's the joke, though. I know. It's just awesome. It's like when Detroit is the solution to any problem, you've got a fucked up problem. Yeah. Yeah. Look me up when that happens. People from Syria would rather stay in Syria than come to Detroit.

So we got a message, and this is from David, and he just sent us a picture. Basically, he went to a hotel this holiday, and he got Tom on his pillow. Disgusting. Giordani eggnog squares. I'm going to throw up in my mouth here. Can you imagine the horror, Cecil? Hold on a minute, because I'm not sure you fully appreciate just how awful the idea of melt-in-your-mouth eggnog would be. Here's the thing.

Eggnog's already a semi-solid. Why make it a full-solid? God, you'd have to chew it. You couldn't just chug it down and fucking think of the queen. You've got to chew this. Oh, my God. you know think of the queen you gotta like chew this oh my god the idea of getting little bits of fucking eggnog shit stuck in your teeth to slowly dissolve oh yeah i think i think i'd rather just have my fucking body broken on the rack we got a message from uh this is from craig who's again listening to us in the past and he sent us a message about how we were wrong about pronouncing Baphomet.

And I'm not going to pronounce it the way you want me to pronounce it. I'm pronouncing it this fucking way. Too fucking bad. And he talks about Final Fantasy VIII. And I remember, it's funny because in Final Fantasy VIII, he sends a picture. And I never played VIII. But in Final Fantasy VIII eight it looks like a fucking like anubis or some crazy like like like egyptian god it's like got the head of a fucking goat ram

and like uh like a body of a man but i thought it was a dragon in final fantasy seven i don't remember i don't remember i thought it was a dragon it's weird that they decided like like midstream they're just like we're gonna change lore yeah okay tom we got a message from aaron about uh about sort of uh i guess just a way to handle being an atheist yeah so uh aaron said that um his situation is his everybody knows that he's an atheist and one of those people that knows is his grandmother and she recently told him that she wants to sit down and talk with him because God has told her to tell him something. And he needs to hear it. And he doesn't really know why.

And he's kind of uncomfortable about having to go through this sit down with grandma. And he kind of wants our advice on how to handle this sit down because he doesn't want to have conflict. And, you know, he kind of recognizes that this is a situation that's rife for the possibility for conflict. But one of the key points that I think he hits on in this email is that if you are religious, really genuinely religious, and you believe you have an obligation to tell everyone about the gospel. Right. So. Yep. And I do. I am sympathetic to that. If I really, truly did think that, my my gosh people will be tortured for all time how can i stop this it would be like seeing it would be like seeing a child dangling from a window of a house fire and walking away without trying to help you know so i am really sympathetic to that impulse

um and i and i think if the impulse comes from a place that is genuinely a good place where people care about you that you can have a respectful conversation you can hear somebody out you can listen and I think you can just it's like anything you disagree with somebody

that you still respect about you don't argue point by point you hear them out you listen you take it all in you try to be genuine about it. And then at the end, if you're not convinced, you say, well, I really appreciate your time. I can tell from this conversation that you're really having this conversation with me because you love me and you care about me and you want only the best things for me.

And I just want to say thank you for loving me enough to have this conversation. And I think that's where you end it. You're not changing grandma's mind. You're not going to turn grandma into an atheist, and that's fine. It's got – we're not evangelists. That's the advantage we have, right? We don't have to evangelize. We're not called because there is no hell.

And so if people die and they were christian they don't go to atheist hell it doesn't matter you know another thing uh you may want to try i mean it depends on how old grandma is maybe you can wait this out that's another option yeah right just stall it just stall it stall it no i i yeah i think i i think that you know if you love your grandma you're gonna have to uh you're just gonna have to you know bite the bullet go in have the conversation um you know i i've been in these conversations my dad tried to do this to me a couple times um you know tried to have this sort of conversation with me tried to tried to try to convince me um that i used to believe so now i

should believe again which is a really bad argument it turns bad argument but he used to i mean it was he genuinely wanted me to he'd be like remember when you used to believe and i'd be like yep and he'd say well why don't you do that anymore because he was really upset he was near the end of his life and he was he was upset that he was you know there was a possibility in his mind that he'd never see me again and that really hurt him uh and so and i understood it i understood where he was coming from and i thought you know i i feel for you but i don't think i'm going to see you again when you die and i don't think you're going to see me either uh you know i i i wish i could have given him that bit of comfort when he died but i couldn't because i can't lie to him i wouldn't be able to lie to

him about it um and i don't think you should lie either i think you should be honest but i also think you should be respectful and uh and it's going to be a difficult conversation but um but it's it's one you probably have to have if you love your grandma if you don't love her then just avoid her if you don't love her just fuck with her it's terrible so we got a we got a list of predictions uh this is from ivan uh and he says i like how he spells his name too uh very pronounced pronounceable right uh he says this is what he predicts in 2015 i'm just gonna read a couple of these he says my utility bills will continue to be due each and every month. I like each and every month. And then he says, two, my dogs will remain dead for the next 365 days.

Oh, no. Oh, that's awesome. There's some funny stuff there. Thank you very much, Ivan, for your 2015 predictions. I believe these predictions, Ivan. I do. I think you hit the nail on the head with these. Your powers are astounding. So we're producing this episode a little early.

We look forward to coming back next week with another full episode. But we're going to leave you, as always do, with the skeptics creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in. Scientician. Double bubble. Toil and trouble. Pseudo quasi alternative.

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