Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 215: Crumb Dumpster

Episode Date: March 23, 2015

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey Cecil and Tom, this is Florida. I finally caught up with all of your episodes. I feel slightly dumber and yet smarter at the same time. Keep up the good work, glory hole motherfuckers. Yes, this is Chris. It's Ethan Heathen from Unbuckling the Bible Belt. And I meant to call y'all after episode 212, I believe it was, when you had some horrible things to say about my home state of Tennessee, which, of course, are mostly true.

The moonshine is pretty good. Nashville actually has a population of about 5 million in the metro statistical area, so you're a little off about that. And yes, the women are kind of big most of the time, but I would like to point out that people in glass houses should not throw stones, considering most

of your governors, former governors, are in jail. And Chicago is probably one of the most corrupt cities in the nation, not to mention one of the coldest during the winter. So, uh, you know, just letting you all know that Tennessee is not the, uh, shithole you think it is, although it mostly

is, besides, of course, my great city in Nashville. Alright, glory hole motherfuckers. Hey guys, this is Jason from Austin, Texas. People are moving to Detroit because things are so shit there. A lot of hipsters that have tech jobs and can work from anywhere really as long as they have a computer are moving to Detroit because it's shit and it's cheap and hipsters like cheap, shitty places.

It baffles me. I don't want to do it. I can't see doing it. Detroit's a shithole, but people are doing it. So baffles me. I don't want to do it. I can't see doing it the choice of shithole, but people are doing it. So glory hole. Hey guys, a few weeks ago you said that you had your first Arkansan listener and that's not true. I was living down there from 2012 to 2014 and actually one of my coworkers told me about your show and one time you guys embarrassed the shit out of me. I was walking to the grocery store with my headphones in, listening to you guys, and I got a phone call as I walked in. So I unplugged my headphones and took the call.

And older iPhones had this weird bug where if you hung up the phone call, it would continue playing what you were listening to out of the speaker of the phone. So I find myself picking up some hamburger in the meat department of the grocery store surrounded by corn-fed Bible pumpers, and my phone suddenly starts screaming, Your fucking God is a weak sauce God! So, yeah, that's my story, and I got the fuck out of there right quick. Keep up the good work, guys. Thanks. Be advised that this show is not for children,

the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome at this is episode 215 of cognitive dissonance and this is this is what this is what this really is cecil this is us basking in the uh post-coital afterglow of having been on the thinking atheist yeah it really is we were on at several you know some time ago but it finally was released on the 17th yeah uh and as a result i i think directly as a result of being on that delightful podcast uh we are now uh officially bigger than snoop dogs podcast i smoked a blunt in his honor so

we are bigger at this moment uh than uh rachel maddow but most importantly most importantly listeners we are bigger than glenn beck at this right now for this short period of time yeah we are bigger than glenn and not just physically big yeah i will point out a lot bigger than glenn beck and the other thing we're bigger than right now is slate's political gab fest so fuck you slate we're bigger than you right now even though you're against us in the podcast awards and people, I guess, want to vote for them. I don't know why. Fucking slate. So that's really awesome. I will say that I have no hope of retaining most of that audience because most of them will have come over out of curiosity, kind of like rubbernecking a car crash.

Like a car crash? You know, but at some point the curiosity fades and you're just left with like your wilting dick in your hand. You know, that vague sense that maybe you shouldn't have done that. You know, Tom, everybody loves the zoo, you know? Well, admittedly, Glory Hole Studios does smell like a monkey cave. Yeah, and there is a lot of flinging feces. So I think we nailed it masturbating primates i mean it's all in there really father and i asked that you would forgive us for taking prayer out of the schools father when that happened secular humanism flooded in. Father, it began to penetrate every part of the curriculum.

So speaking of masturbating primates, this first story comes from Salon.com. Rick Santorum, blatantly unconstitutional idea, put the Bible back in schools. Well. So the best part about this Rick Santorum article is that there's still a Rick Santorum. Like, this guy is actually going to make another bid. Yeah. I do like, by the way, that they caught a picture of him with his fucking dick sucking lips poking out. I was just going to say that.

It looks like they did a great job of finding the perfect picture of him fellating an invisible cock. I mean, that is exactly it. It's pretty terrific. Rick Santorum is such a douchebag. Do you want to hear what he had to say at his little rally? Yeah, absolutely. All right, let's give it a shot.

We are at a crossroads in American history, a crossroads that looks like we are heading down in a direction that, let's be honest, no civilization has ever been able to recover from. And so there's reason for concern. There's reason for fear. There's reason for pessimism. But we're here in a church as believers. We know how it all ends. Amen.

We know there's reason for optimism. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause.

Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. We know how it all ends, comma, there's a reason for optimism. This is immediately prefaced by the fact that they're in a church. The way it all ends in your book is with Armageddon. The way it all ends is the very opposite thing of what one would be optimistic about.

It ends in fire and plagues and fucking bees with hats on or whatever. But only for the bad people, though. Right. Yeah, so they're optimistic because they're fucking self-righteous douchebags. Oh, I forgot. That's why they're optimistic. All the rest of us get to fight off the fucking locusts in armor. Yeah, there you go.

We'll just go to the rivers. Ah, fucking, they're full of blood again. God damn it. God. This is going to be delicious. At least California would have water then. That's it? Daddy, what's for dinner?

More blood sausage, son. We had blood sausage yesterday. Shut up. Just eat your locusts and blood sausage. That's all we've got now. Rick Santorum loves us. That's why. And we know how it all ends in people of God because we understand that under God, that our country can again be great and prosperous and good again.

The left cannot be successful. The left cannot be successful. Okay. Can the left be successful? The left cannot be successful. He'll tell you why when he's finished thinking about why okay which is why he repeated that uh and paused and he has no idea where his train of thought is going next can't you just say um like the rest of us i know right or just trail off and then look

into the middle distance that's that's my trick trail off and then slowly back away from the stage right just just trail off and then appear dis away from the stage right just just trail off and then appear disinterested and confused and just let everybody think you have alzheimer's in a country of god given rights it can't because they want to be the purveyor of rights and if god is the purveyor of rights then they lose that's right what i don't i i actually can't – I mean I guess I sort of vaguely understand where he's going with that. But it doesn't actually make any sense. Why – no. I actually can't figure that out.

If I really think about that at all, I cannot get there. Oh, gosh. The purveyor of rights is God. God is the purveyor. So all of my rights come from God, and I guess I should get those rights. I should figure out what those things are, either by what? Checking out the Bible and figuring out how many slaves I can own or, like, who gets to keep rape women as pets or whatever it says in that fucking awful text. What a great straw man, though, where he's saying they want to be the purveyors of rights.

No, I don't think anybody in the government really is a purveyor of rights. The rights are inherent, right? There's all these rights we have that are inherent in our government, the one that was created already. It's not like it's not like they're purveyors of rights. I mean, they're they they try to keep them open for us. We hope that's what their plan is, that the government's plan is to make sure that we have these rights available to us and they don't take those rights away from us. We have an obligation to educate, to form within our churches, to preach within our families, to educate, and to fight within our schools.

Why are Bibles no longer in public schools? Don't give me the Supreme Court. The reason Bibles are no longer in the public schools is because we let them take them out of the public schools. Okay, so you figured out Occam's razor. They're not in the schools, so they must be out of the schools then. And I like, too, he's like, don't tell me it's the Supreme Court. We let that happen. Well, look, you were, no, you were clearly opposed to it.

People just like you were clearly opposed to the decision. The problem is that you fucking lost. And you lost specifically because of the fucking rights that you were talking about previously. And I want to go back to that real quick, because I think you made a good point. do as a civilized and hopefully enlightened or enlightening people is not to give rights to other people because you cannot give a right. But I think what we do is we discover what our rights are collectively as a society. And as we as we grow as a society philosophically and intellectually and as we come to understand more and more about the nature of the human condition, what we do is we identify rights that have always existed within – that are inherent in our humanity but which may not have been protected. And so what government is doing is not granting human rights, but protecting human rights. They're identifying and protecting human rights.

And those rights continue to grow. And we've seen that. If you just look at American history, you can look at the evolution of that through the civil rights movement, through women's suffrage, things that are now considered to be rights. They were always rights. It's just that they were not identified and protected until, you know, society reached a point where we became sort of enlightened about, you know, wow, these actually, this is the right thing to do. This is a moral good. This is not just a convenience. This is not,

you know, hey, this is what the tariffs are. That's a fucking convenience. That's laws. And that's but when we're talking about things that are inherent to the human condition regarding things like equality, gender equality, racial equality, sexual identity equality, these are rights that have always existed. And all we're doing is identifying and protecting them. You say, well, we can't get it back in. Yes, we can. Yes, we can. No, you can't. No, you fucking can't. Si se puede. Si se puede.

You would have to do a lot to try to get that in public school. And why the fuck is he – you know why he's mad? The reason why he's mad about this and why all these people are fucking mad about, man, there's no Bible in school anymore. We can't have Bible in school because they don't want – what they want is to brainwash more kids. Because there's no fucking rule that you can't be religious at school, that you can't bring a Bible to school, that you can't read Bibles in school. There's no rule against it, but you can't have force everybody to do it. And they want to force everybody to do it. The thing is, they already have the fucking rights to do anything they want in the school when it comes to their religion. They just want to make sure that everybody else is forced to do the fucking thing they don't want to do. Well,

fuck you. You can't fucking force me to do that. You can't force kids to do that. Who the fuck do you think you are? And he's like, we can do it. We can do it. What? You can get a fucking bare majority to fucking force your religion on everybody's throats? Fuck off, you piece of shit.

You know, what's funny, too, is that Santorum is a Catholic. Right. And he reads much more like an evangelical in his in his pandering to this to this right wing base. He reads so much more like an evangelical than he does a Catholic. I actually think it's pretty funny that, you know, this idea that, well, we got to put Bibles back in the schools, man, for the longest time, one of the one of the one of the reasons that the Protestants split off from the Catholic Church was to give people access to the Bible. And the Catholics didn't want people to have access to the Bible. Right.

Like that was actually a significant piece of the Reformation. Like from a philosophical standpoint, it was the difference between how the know the word of god is is transmitted to the masses is transmitted directly from you know these intermediaries i.e the priests and the bishops and what have you and that's still kind of part of the catholic structure or or does it come directly from the you know the word of god the bible right from fucking god's mouth to your dick or whatever so it's that is glory hole right there so it's sort of funny how how much he reads like an evangelical and how little he reads like a catholic yeah to me at least um and it's so obvious that he's just pandering to that right-wing protestant base yeah i i can't i can't imagine a whole room full of people looking at this guy, this frothy mix of fucking lube and feces and and looking at him and saying, that's our guy.

That's the guy I want to follow into the next four years because he has he's he's got his finger on the pulse of america this is a guy who fucking hates gays who has gone out of his way to to attack gay people constantly and try to subjugate them and push them back into the fucking closet and all the rest of his fucking thoughts are worthless this is a worthless candidate i can't imagine a single person, especially the conservatives out there, right? The conservatives that are also atheists. How the fuck do you look at this guy and say, that's my guy. There's my guy because I like his fiscal responsibilities. Of course, I got to choke this fucking Bible down with dinner.

How much are you willing to sacrifice? How much are you willing to do something? You talk about Bibles coming out of the school. They mention one person, right? Madeline Murray O'Hare. One person got the Bibles out of the schools. Right. We have more than one person here amen but you've got to have the same passion in preserving our country as they do to transform it look, the answer is not your passion. Like, I don't think anybody would argue that the Christian right is dispassionate.

If anything, the Christian right is incredibly passionate. Sure. It's just that their arguments are really weak sauce. Yeah. They have literally nothing. They bring nothing of value or substance to the table very often. What are they walking in the door with? What massive substantive moral argument are they walking in the door with?

What amazing policy decision or problem-solving theory are they walking into the door? They walk in the door with all passion. And all these idiots do is sell them more passion. And what kind of platform is this that you're coming out and you're you're standing there saying well i want to get bibles back in school yeah that's our fucking biggest pressing problem is that we don't have fucking bibles in school that's the fuck that's gonna solve everything oh gosh fucking as soon as that happens the any kind of budget problems go away any kind of fucking you know

environmental problems go away i mean look of fucking, you know, environmental problems go away. I mean, look at all the different problems that are facing. Fucking mired in fucking wars in other countries. You know, all that shit. None of that fucking Bible. What the fuck does that do for you? But that's your platform. That's what you're running on. That's the

thing that you're going to do different than the guy who's in there. Well, big fucking deal. This story is just amazing. It's from Raw Story. Fox News host Andrea Tantaros. Snow days are a liberal plot to strip schools

of religious holidays. So this nonsense is in reference to the hundred plus inches of snow, which blanketed Boston and obviously shut down school for many days for obvious reasons. I'm curious. Is it liberal snow? It was liberal snow.

It was full of white guilt. Actually, that's why it was white. School has been pushed back. The end of school has been pushed back in a town called Easton. It's been pushed back to the 29th of June. And so the contingency plan, what they had to do, you've got to understand that that's incredibly unusual, right? So schools plan, and everybody who, you should know this probably, but schools plan or they build into their calendar a certain number of snow days. probably, but schools plan or they build into their calendar a certain number of snow days and they have a plan for how they're going to handle a certain number of snow days. We're

going to move school back this number of days because the state that you're in mandates typically a set number of school in school session days. So in Illinois, I believe it's 180 or 185 days. I think it's 180 days actually of in session school days. That's Illinois, I believe it's 180 or 185 days. I think it's 180 days actually of in-session school days. That's what the state requires. So schools have to do that. They can't give your children 179 days. The law requires they give you 180 days. And then so the school says, okay, well, we have to do 180. It starts here. These are the holidays. It ends here. And if we have some school days, here's how we handle them. And I know in my district they have I think they plan out, you know, five or seven snow days, something like that.

And then after that, you kind of have to call an audible a little bit. There's not really a good plan. You can only extend the school year. You can only just keep extending the school year so far. You'll run into the next goddamn school year and then there's administrative concerns there's things that schools do over the course of summer break they do some you know hiring and maintenance and all kinds of things that have to happen so they do need some of that time in between they plan for this so in order for them to deal with this excess of school closings they have to you know reassess their schedule reassess their calendar um and i guess that that reassessment cecil is a liberal plot

yeah yeah see they they engineered global warming so that there could be a shift in the jet stream that would then move it the jet stream over boston which would then dump 10 fucking foot of snow on it over the entire season these kids would get a ton of days off and then one tiny town would decide whether or not to cancel three days out of the school year that were happened to be religious holidays so that was the liberal plot it's a there's a lot of fucking moving pieces in that plot i mean mean, you really got it. You really got to hand it to the liberals for going through all that trouble to increase the CO2 on the entire planet just to make that happen. And I'm sorry to point this out on the air, but did you not get to the part that specifically discussed the evidence for Al Gore sitting at the North Pole with a snow machine shooting it at Boston? And that's the real reason.

That's the liberal plot. He had an industrial snow machine that you use for ski vacations. And he just had that thing aimed. And he was surrounded by lesbians. It's super liberal. And gnomes. And gnomes. And gnomes. Lesbian gnomes.

They were brown gnomes, so that was even more liberal. And he was just shooting snow and he's, ah, we're going to cancel three, no, you know, they didn't cancel Christmas, people. Yeah, they're canceling Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur,

and Good Friday. So three really pretty much corner case holidays for certain people the christians clearly are a much bigger group i think than the jewish people but rosh hashanah and yom kippur i guess they got they got off for those days i didn't even know i'm a little surprised by that i don't remember ever having specifically having any Jewish holidays off because they were Jewish holidays. And I certainly don't remember Good Friday being a day off of school. I never was. It was Good Friday. I never got Good Friday off growing up. I don't remember getting it off.

I think a lot of times it overlapped with your spring vacation because your spring vacation usually would track with Easter. At least that's how it it still happens that way. But I actually don't, I'm not sure that a school can give off, can a school just give off religious holidays? You know, because you don't get Ramadan off. At least I never, I didn't even know about Ramadan when I was a kid. Is that a type of bread? It's delicious.

Yeah. A little butter on that and it's amazing. Get them warm out of the oven. Oh, man. The only problem with the Ramadan bread is that you have to wait until sunset to eat it. You can't eat it during the day. If you do, man, you get fucking stoned and not in a good way. Let me tell you.

Right? That's why I start baking it about 530. That way it's perfect when that sun goes down and the Ramadan comes out of the oven. It's delicious. Gosh, a good fresh-baked Ramadan is awesome. Is trusting God important? It's the only thing that gets favor from him. He doesn't respond to pain or tears or heartache.

He only responds to being believed. So this story comes also from Raw Story. Virginia City official says God ended slavery. Jesus never told anyone to create a diversity commission. That's because Jesus was cool with slavery. I don't know how to break it to you. I do like that even if this were true, God took 2,000 years to get around to it or very nearly. took 2,000 years to get around to it or very nearly. One would argue that there's still like 18,000 people each year in U.S. in human trafficking.

So one would could argue that he still hasn't ended it. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's a great point, right? I mean, human trafficking is still a really significant thing. And the idea that there are no slaves in the world is is not honest or true so god ended it but he just did a really shitty job of it he's like he's a horrible manager yeah he's really not very good at it well now i like in here they say something like let me see if i can find it he says i don't believe that the government freed our slaves

we had in this country he continued that was an evil that this country had and it was the hand of god touching the hearts of man that freed those slaves and he's right he touched them with mini balls during the civil war that's how he touched the heart he touched them at at subsonic speeds with lead that's how he touched their hearts but but to be that's how fucking slavery ended through fucking complete war it tore this country apart but but i like too that that the idea that god influenced the the the course of the civil war which actually decided the issue right so but he still let he still let the confederates win almost the whole war.

Yeah. They were winning a lot. Yeah. So the Union won by the fucking skin of its teeth. The whole first fucking half of the war was very nearly won by the Confederates. The Confederates were kicking some serious ass for a really long time. So God's like, well, i don't want this to seem really unfair so i'm going to kind of do that swoop down at the last minute thing and then make it kind of

a very close sort of a draw you know otherwise it won't be exciting history you know i don't want to i don't want to settle the question uh definitive. I don't want to actually intervene in a fucking discernible way. Yeah, he needed a deus ex himself. Right? Deus ex deus. I'm god of the god. Well done. Well done.

Yeah. What a lame thing to say. And it's, you know, somebody says something about slavery and this guy's like, shame on you. It's like, what do you want to fucking forget that it existed, dude? is talking about this and he says, if you disagree, we can discuss your disagreement. But when you try to take it to this high level and dismiss it based on God will fix it, that's just being disingenuous and not constructive at all. And I actually think it's worse than that because what it's doing is it's saying, well, all of the people whose blood and sweat and tears and lives were lost in this struggle for equality, for abolition, all of that was meaningless. They didn't even have to do it. It didn't mean shit.

It was a purposeless activity. God took care of it. God was going to change the hearts of the slave masters who fought vociferously against this. He was going to change their hearts anyway. So all of that, all of that work and that toil and that human tragedy that went on for, I mean, hundreds of years? Meaningless. Utterly without point. Utterly without merit. What a fucking asshole.

Because there's nothing but death and refuse in the rectum. No life can come out of the rectum. The rectum is designed to get rid of death and waste. It's designed for that one purpose. And the sodomites are cheering on and praising the rectum. So this story comes from Ross story. A bellowing pastor warns that gays, Muslims and liberals will establish a secular humanist caliphate. What?

This man does not understand what caliphate means. No, let's, let's listen to it. It's a minute 19 here. This is him. Ken Greaves. Graves?

Greaves? Something. I don't know. Whatever. From his. He was talking in front of a crowd. That's from the Raw story. Why should we be intimidated as we find ourselves actually, in all honesty, when we're being honest, we are conscious that militant homofascism seeks to take over our land and make it solid.

We are also conscious that militant Islam, truthfully, wants to establish a worldwide caliphate. They want to destroy everything we have in complicit with them. It is the secularist, it is the secular humanist fundamentalist extremist. Ist. Ist, ist, ist, ist, ist. I gotta say, Duke Newcomb there sounds like he gargles flaming golf balls every morning, doesn't he?

Jesus Christ. He sounds like a fucking pro wrestler, doesn't he? I think I've got a career in public speaking. I'm taking on the Iron Sheik next week. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Secular humanist extremists. Oh, what an idiot.

This guy's great. There's more. They won't have made this their own sort of secular humanist caliphate. this, their own sort of secular humanist caliphate. It is, in fact, a little intimidating to acknowledge that they have every major institution, that they have, in fact, taken control of

entertainment. They have taken control of education. They've had massive gains in recent decades. This we must acknowledge. But why should we be intimidated if what has been placed in our hands is the very word of God? It is in fact a sharp double-edged sword. It is the word of Almighty God.

It is a sharp double-edged sword. Now that's usually a metaphor to mean that it cuts both ways. But what I'm actually saying is that you can swing it and kill the secularist backward and forward. It also has a pommel and a hilt. What I'm really saying is that it's a really wicked sword. It's super sweet. I got it from Brookstone.

They mailed it to me. It's fucking metal. That's all I'm saying. This guy is great jeez i would be terrified of this guy i don't know you'll look at this guy this is this is a guy who's like fucking he's 60 and on hgh and like fucking he bench presses like like 220 right he's like he's like one of those testosterone replacement uh male models yeah right where like every part of his body is is screaming to die but he's so but he's so juiced up on like the fucking uh testosterone of of of caged 18 year old brown people that are that are being milked in some secret lab somewhere.

I don't really believe that. Not so secret lab. Yeah. First of all, that's not a voice that occurs in nature. Yeah. It's just not. It's just – it's like the blue Jolly Rancher flavor. Yeah, right.

You know, where you're like – it tastes like – and my son will sometimes ask, you know, what does that taste like? I'm like, blue. It tastes blue. I can't – no, there's nothing – this isn't like lemon-lime, buddy. This is just – you just got to go with blue. At some point, things just taste like colors. That's a voice that that simply does not exist in nature uh at least not purposely yeah i love that they they use the word caliphate when

he says secular humanist caliphate i mean you were talking earlier about sam torum not wording good this guy doesn't word good can't you just pick a new word and say they want a secular humanist dictatorship at least that would make sense yeah the caliphate is very very specifically a reference to a a muslim basically like a muslim prophecy um a muslim state um called for in prophecy you can't have a secular humanist Muslim thing. Yeah. Right. You can't have a skinny fat man. It's not a thing. The two words don't work together. You can place them next to one another. Yes, they are both adjectives, but they cancel each other out logically.

They cannot work. And then but people will still clap for this shit oh yeah i don't i am aware of all of those terms yay words i've heard yes also words i've heard ah the reason why is because this guy's trying to glue together scary shit right he's trying to say well this is scary but this is even scarier and if they were together they'd be even scarier it's like think about like if freddy had fingers but his were really Jason. Like, wouldn't that be really scary? Now, the concern, obviously, is if this isn't bottled up in San Francisco, this kind of

nonsense, then it's going to be spreading across the entire fruited plain. And you're going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa, And you're going to have a rainbow-colored wrapper for your Whopper. Ugh. Cecil, call your mom. Bad news. It's bad news, man. It's tough. It's from the friendly atheist.

Mother's Day is threatened by same-sex marriage. Claims an Irish senator. It's already banned in some U.S. states. Why an Irish senator gives a shit that it would be banned in some u.s states why an irish senator gives a shit that it would be banned in some u.s states who fucking cares you're an irish senator something that's not even true but also well fucking mother's day is in fucking may isn't it or june or some shit that's in may so some schools would still be in session. But they're saying Happy Mother's Day all, but it came out on fucking the 15th of March. Yeah, that's true.

You guys have a different Mother's Day? Maybe they do have a different Mother's Day. I thought that day was ordained by God. That's ridiculous, Cecil. It was ordained by Hallmark. Yeah, Irish Mother's Day is Sunday, March 15th. Wow. Yeah, it's a couple days before

saint patty's so there you go i wonder if they even do they do saint patty's day i don't think so no that's a reason for that's a reason for americans to get drunk is what that is if you were to walk up to a hundred people myself fucking included and ask like what is St. Patrick's Day actually celebrate? Fucking 97 of us would be like, is green beer the answer you're looking for? Is it green beer? I feel like green beer is what you're looking for. It's when St. Patrick chased all the Protestants out of Ireland. That's what it is. Is it actually that?

I don't know. I don't know. I didn't know if it's like – I get confused with like the Piper or snakes or something. I actually I so don't know what St. Patrick's Day is about that. I like in my head, I'm I'm vaguely remembering some Simpsons references and I have no idea. I'm like, I don't know if that's true or from the Simpsons. That is how little actual connection I have with St. Patrick's Day. And we are Irish, and my

birthday is on St. Patrick's Day! Yeah, so it's... How little I know. You want to know? According to tradition, Patrick returned to Ireland to convert the pagan Irish to Christianity. So... Well, there you go. There you go. Where did he return from?

From away from Ireland. In Dublin, there's a parade. So I guess that there is a parade. But, man, in Chicago, it's fucking kooky, man. It's like wake up in the morning and get as fucking wasted as you possibly can and puke by noon and then get wasted into the evening. That is a young man's game, dude. It really is, man. That's not for me.

It really is. If I start drinking before noon, my day is done by 12.15. I'm like, where's Matlock? I want a sandwich. I'm asleep. It's over, man. I'm having the fucking Superbird at Denny's at 3.30. Honey, can you

put judge judy on i want to take a nap uh this woman said that it's banned in some states pc gone mad is her hashtag um and then it says uh basically she got called out on it because she's saying that it's banned in some and everybody like, well, that's not a thing. Like, what are you talking about? And then she said, I'm not lying. No slur intended. Just saying that Mother's Day is banned in New York and Nova Scotia school. So in some states is now a school somewhere in New York and the school. The reason why they say she says it's banned.

It's not. It just at one school, a New York Upper West Side school, renamed it. They didn't. They named it Family Day instead of Mother's Day and Father's Day because they didn't want children from single parent or non-traditional families to feel sad or left out. Yeah. And I like it's two U.S. states. Well, OK. Or one school in New York. And then Nova Scotia is not even in the it's not even in America. Yeah.

So you were wrong. So lying may not be your thing, but neither is accuracy. Neither is facts. Right. Because nothing that you say. And Mother's Day is not a national holiday of any kind. Yeah. No, it's just a thing on a calendar that people agree that maybe we'll do a little bit and we're gonna give mom roses or something yeah it's not you cannot you actually couldn't ban it because it doesn't

officially exist so what most schools do or at least a lot of schools will do is they yeah they pick like the friday before or something and then you fucking decorate a card with a bunch of sprinkles and pasta and other shit to ruin your house and then you take it home and then mom has to throw it away or clean it up later like that's that's mother's day yeah it's it's it's a it's a holiday that's celebrated by begrudgingly putting something on your refrigerator that's what it is right And then later hucking it into a box and taking it out tearfully years later when your teenage son or daughter is cursing at you. You used to be cute. Yeah. You know, all that kind of stuff.

It's one of those things you wistfully card through when your kid's on meth. Yeah. When you were little, it was cute when you didn't have teeth, but now it's boring. Oh, I remember when little Billy didn't steal from my purse. I guess it all comes around, though. You know, when they're young, you lock up the medication. When they're old, you lock up the medication. Oh, no.

It's all the same. What's the difference? Just keep the fucking baby gates up and the meth heads just crash into them. It's like an early warning alarm. You see, there are demons in the earth. Read Matthew, Mark's Gospel, Chapter 5. There are demons all over where Jesus cast out demons when he walked the earth. This story also comes from the wrong story.

Evangelist. When Christians take control of the U.S. government, demons when he walked the earth story also comes from the raw story um evangelist when christians take control of the u.s government oh the demons shudder and there's a great picture of this guy who totally looks like he's about to strangle a prostitute oh yeah like he's got his like his angry strangle face on that looks far too practiced and the woman sitting next to him's like yes that's how you strangle the life out of them. Wrap your hands around the neck. Now get a good seal. Get a good seal.

Try to block both the blood and the airway. It's important. It's faster. Super important. Absolutely. They kick less. Yeah. No, they kick more then.

That's actually. They kick as hard as they can. This is a short clip. This is James Robinson, his name is, and he was on the Todd's – I guess he was in an interview with Todd Starnes. And so this is his little clip. Now, this is him being crazy. So we're just going to play a clip of him being nuts. Here's the thing. The people in a nation like ours is this thing that says a Christian in a democracy where the majority rules and where we're the ones who choose.

Then those we choose reflect the heart, conscience and convictions of those who vote or who don't vote. Too many Christians have checked out. You've been told it's politically incorrect for church people to involve. That is one of the biggest lies that ever came through the lips of Satan. I think I think he messed up. He was he wanted to say Obama, but it just slipped out. It's just Satan just slipped out. I got to tell you, it's amazing how quiet I agree with him. The religious right, the Christians have definitely never involved themselves in politics. Do not believe it. Of all people on this earth that ought to stand up and protect the precious and be light to illuminate the way out of this present and pressing darkness,

we're the ones to do it. If we ever come together, the gates of hell will tremble, and that's precisely what they're to do. I believe the government should fear the people. The people don't fear the government, and they've got to listen to us. Hey, hey, government, we can. There are only 500 of you. We can get rid of a whole bunch in one smooth swoop, and we can really reroute the whole ship. Listen to me.

It's not too late. Later than you think, but it isn't too late. If we wake up, I want to tell you something. Hearing somebody like me and Todd sitting here and this sweet little girl sitting here by us, do you know who's trembling? All hell's trembling. The gates of hell tremble. The very fact that people who love God

and know God and love their neighbor would ever stand up, speak up, and become a shining city set on a hill? The demon shuddered. That's the best part. That's done. That's perfect. The demon shuddered.

The demon shuddered almost as much as the fucking spasm he just had. What I meant to say is the demon shudder. That's what they do. That's actually the demon's orgasm. That's what's happening there. That's a demon's O-face. What a weirdo. What a goddamn goober that man is.

Here's the thing, right? goddamn goober that man is yeah and that's the here's the here's the thing right you have a guy sitting on a couch with some knucklehead sitting next to him fucking smiling at him and giving him the doe eyes and todd starnes fucking puffy face nodding along with him talking about fucking made up creatures called demons i know right what if he was having a conversation about fucking leprechauns or unicorns we would be like well that dude's fucking crazy that guy's a nut house right but because it's happens to be some mythology that a lot of people believe we we suddenly feel like oh well that's okay then he's allowed to talk about made-up creatures as long as they're a made-up creature that we approve of as they're a made up creature that we approve of.

Right. It's a made up creature we approve of. So let's let's go back to our conversation about what made up creatures are afraid of. Oh, OK. Well, that's that's even that's actually even one layer more stupid than the prior layer. I also like you've got to wonder, Cecil, at the incredible hubris of a man sitting in a country like America. And and I'm so I'm like so bored with this narrative, like everything here is so bad, man. As I sit here, well fed in a climate controlled environment, entirely safe from, you know, most disease and the ravages of war and hunger. And pirates. I've got to tell you, America's in trouble. America's in trouble.

And, like, the rest of the world is like, man, America's doing just fine, thank you, rich fucking white dude sitting on a couch. Like, all across sub-Saharan Africa. People are like, I would be grateful for even like a 10th of your wealth and privilege. Now, man, America's in trouble. God's got to get back to privileging America so that we can be even more privileged than all of the rest of the world because what a horror show it would be if all of a sudden we were just you know almost you know a little unbelievably wealthier than almost all of the rest of the people on the goddamn planet seven billion people there's only 370 million americans seven billion people and two-thirds of those people live on like a dollar a day yeah and this guy has the hubris to talk about whether the demons give a shit about what happens

to fucking rich white people in america you fucking narcissistic asshole abortions for all very well no abortions for anyone abortions for some miniature american flags for others this story comes from box.com this is fucking American politics in action, Cecil. This story is astonishing. New Hampshire fourth graders wrote a cute bill and then watched as lawmakers mocked and killed it. This really doesn't have anything to do with the show except for that it's political. The New Hampshire state legislature had a bunch of fourth graders draft a bill. And the bill said basically that the red-tailed hawk should be the state raptor.

And it went – and they invited all the fourth graders to the state house. Oh, that's adorable. And so all these little fourth graders who, mind you, are nine or ten years old, all these little fourth grade kids, they travel on their school buses for their field trip with fucking, I'm sure, copies of their drafted bill in hand. And they're going to get a firsthand experience of how a bill gets politicized into an abortion debate and eventually voted down. At one point, one of the guys says the red tail hawk grasps its prey with its talents and then uses its razor sharp beak to basically tear it apart limb by limb. And I guess the shame about making this the state bird is that it would serve much better as a mascot for Planned Parenthood. And he's got a point because i heard that planned parenthood has started using trained raptors in abortions

so yeah they just you just train them to dive right in there and get them the thing is is when they're young you gotta like you gotta feed them little pieces of zygote and then you gotta sort of up the stuff a little bit so that they actually want to go after the whole fetus they've got a falconer abortionist yeah who's twirling a fetus on a string like zipping it out there to to catch the attention of the of the red-tailed hawk calling dr raptor dr raptor okay so this is gonna hurt a lot but it is gonna be entertaining yeah you know later later in the in the afternoon later in the legislative session um representative john uh burt um he just came out and basically hold on john. John Byrd? John Burt. Oh, okay. John Byrd would have been awesome.

That would have been great. It would have been great if he was a hawk, too. He probably is. He's a pro-war Republican. That's a raptor joke for you, ladies and gentlemen. So he came out and basically told all the kids not only was he not going to vote for it no but that they were fucking stupid for wasting their time because he said quote but i remember these kids are physically sitting in the audience

bottom line if we keep bringing more of these bills and bills and bills forward that really I think we shouldn't have in front of us, we'll be picking a state hot dog next. My vote's for Oscar Mayer. See, so I think the lesson to be learned here is that if you're a fourth grader, you should really work on drafting substantive legislation. No more of these frivolous bills from fourth graders. How are we going to solve New Hampshire's pressing problems if our fourth graders won't come to us with our solutions?

What a load of dim bulbs the future is, you know? God! Gosh. And one thing I want bulbs the future is, you know? God. Gosh. And one thing I want to get back to with the raptor thing, the guy's like, they want to make a state raptor, okay? So it's not like they're making a state bird, which is just like a bird overall. They're saying a raptor. I mean, that's how it reads here.

Right. Yeah. They're just specifying which raptor they prefer. Right. And then the guy's the raptors the guy starts talking about how it uses its talons and razor sharp beak to tear up fucking something that's a raptor dude that's what raptors do like it's not like fucking like raptors sit down with a fucking knife and fork and eat a cooked food it's a fucking bird dude

yeah what are what are its options yeah you're like it's not gonna order takeout it's it's terrific and the other thing is that they even spent so they they go out of their way to spend the time debating the bill that's the other thing and part of the debate is actually a conversation centered around the fact that this is a waste of time. It would have been quicker just to vote on it. Let me stand up here. You know what would be fucking outstanding, Cecil? Yeah.

Is that they filibustered it. Oh, they've been amazing. They bring in like a falconer in the middle of the filibuster. They just start reading like the history of the fucking falconer in the middle of the filibuster they just they just start reading like the history of the fucking falconing yeah and they bring in a falconer to perform abortions during the filibuster i think that would be amazing just actually they prefer they perform super late term abortions and just kill the fourth graders that's it it's like extra extra late it's as late a term as possible those kids are running

out of the capitol building screaming with raptors in their hair can you imagine it's a worst field trip ever the kids are the kids have to how did you how would they even feel walking out how would you feel as a teacher you'd be like i'm super embarrassed oh very sorry you're like wiping little debbie's tears out of her right right i can't even like as a parent as a parent i know that i if my son were to go do this thing i and he were to come home the first thing out of my mouth when i come home from work i would be excited i would not be able all day and i mean this all day i would be like i cannot wait to get home and ask my son about his field trip it's super cool that he got to draft a bill and bring it to the House and have him vote on it. I really wish I could have been a part.

So to walk in the door and ask my kid, oh, how was your thing? And have him say they voted it down. But first they humiliated us publicly. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the'm entitled. You want answers! I want the truth! You can't handle the truth!

And our final story comes from J-Post, the Jerusalem Post. Give yourself a piece of chocolate for every day of Passover cleaning. Yahad advises women. So the Haredi hardline religious party, Yahad, they held a women's campaign proving once again that hardline religious organizations know women.

They really get it. And they were praising the movement's leading ladies and saying, hey, great job. Here's some advice. When you're doing your Passover cleaning duties, give yourself a little bit of chocolate. Because the women's love the chocolate. And when you do little tasks, give yourself a little bit of chocolate. And when you finish something up, well, lady, you just go ahead and break off a big old hunk of chocolate and reward yourself. Wow.

Wow. Do you know? I got to tell you about this crazy shit. So why are they getting chocolate for doing housework is the first thing I thought. I thought, wait, what? Daily tasks for what are we doing it for? It's for Passover. And so I started to look up

like cleaning ceremonies like what is the what's the big deal why does it have to be clean and so there's this thing that the jewish people have tom called chemets okay well i'm saying that chemets because there's a ch in front of it so it's ch e-m-e-t-z or something right and what hemets is is crumbs of leavened things so if you have leavened food in your house that happen to be you know like a fucking bread or a biscuit or something i don't know if i i don't know if chemical leavening works i don't know if fucking it's yeast only, whatever. Whatever their fucking weird regulation on food is. You're not allowed to have a leavened thing.

I wonder if it could be like fucking leavened with eggs. I wonder if you could make like a meringue. They are really weird about leavening. There's so many biblical like restrictions against leavening in the Old Testament. Against yeast. I can't imagine it being against anything else. Like it's got to be against yeast because against leavening in the Old Testament? It's got to be against yeast. I can't imagine it being against anything else. Like, it's got to be against yeast. Because chemical leavening, like whipping, you know, like eggs into something or using baking powder, those type of things are, you know, I mean, I guess maybe they don't want to have the baking powder in there.

I don't know what it is. But in any case, the leavened crumbs are this chemetz, right? it is but in any case the leavened crumbs are this chemets right and they have to go through their whole house and clean out all the chemets in their house it can't there can't be any in their house and then they have to do a cleansing prayer and like easter they have to because they cleaned up all the chemets so they have to fucking get out the goddamn Dyson and fucking like get all the crumbs out of the couch and wherever else there could be and you know your fucking keyboard. I know my keyboard at work and at home

because I fucking I'll eat in front of the computer. This thing's full of crumbs mine is all crumbs. Do I have to just like fucking it's like it's like a crumb machine. Do I have to like throw it out every fucking Passover because there's no way you're getting all the crumbs out of this thing when I type on my like fuck it? It's like a crumb machine. Do I have to like throw it out every fucking Passover? Because there's no way you're getting all the crumbs out of this thing. When I type on my keyboard at work, it jumps like it's full of fleas.

It's got so many. It's like one of those boggle things, you know? Exactly. You press on it and the dice start jumping up. But even better, better than having to clean up all the goddamn crumbs in your house is that they go around after they're done cleaning the crumbs and they leave little pieces of himmets on the ground little pieces of bread and other things in obvious places so that when they do the ceremony they're actually cleaning it off so it's like a weird sort of praying Easter egg hunt of shit you're not going to eat and doesn't look pretty.

Well, that's bizarre. It's crazy as hell. But I came up with a new idea. You and I should hire ourselves out to these Jewish families and just lay down and let them pour the crumbs in our mouth. We could be like crumb dumpsters. I think this works. You know, they pay us money to feed us crumbs. That sounds amazing.

Enough crumbs. And no, actually, I'd have to hire myself out quite a bit. What would happen if you had a dog? A good dog would just eat the crumbs. That's what dogs do. I guess you'd be laying out the fucking chemetz or whatever, and the fucking would come along and you'd be like, hey, stop eating my chemetz. And you got to shoo the dog out of the room. And then it's ridiculous.

Yeah, this is it's amazing. I just started reading about it and I couldn't I couldn't for the life of me figure out why they were cleaning and then i started reading about it and i was just flabbergasted by the fact that they have to clean up every crumb in their house and then put crumbs back out to pray them away yeah so like what does it even mean to clean them like you clean it but you're like wait a minute reserve one cup of house crumbs for you know it's not pasta water so you're okay so i and i i also i don't know man maybe i just maybe i think my house is cleaner than it is but i think that would take me about 20 minutes i would i know where the bread in my house is i have a bread basket, I would empty that. I think that's the only place I can imagine there being crumbs. Like I would sweep the floor.

You know what I mean? It would be like I don't need to give myself little pieces of chocolate unless all throughout the year I'm running through my house sprinkling crumbs. I don't like take whole wheat toast and just crush it into a fine powder and then blow it all over my house so that later i can afford myself a little piece of chocolate for my my due diligence of vacuuming up my crumb dust let me tell you something there is not a jewish person that would come near my car during passover are you kidding it's like fucking like like all that's in the backseat, like, my entire backseat is just McDonald's bags.

Like, that's all of it. Oh, no, no. My car, you just burn it. Yeah. Burn it. You have to get rid of it. Not only do they have to buy a new keyboard, they have to basically get rid of their car, too.

If I've had, like, a month where I've had a lot of sales calls, my car is full of just garbage. It's just – my son can't even fit in the car. I've got to pry him in through the back. It's just garbage. You don't even need a car seat because there's so much shit back there. There's no way he could be hurt. We actually just sit him on garbage like just to prop him up. prop him up.

So we want to thank all of our most recent patrons. We want to thank Andrew for donating through PayPal. And then we want to thank the following patrons, the newest patrons we have. Carl, Duck Flambé, Katie, Chris B, Kristen,

Phoebe, Matthew, Bonnie, Tammy, Russell, Dorinda, Alan, Colin, Luana, Robert, and Alicia. Thank you all so much for your generous donations. We really do appreciate it. We also want to thank all the people who found us recently through Thinking Atheist. We got a bunch of emails from people after they found us or tweets. And they said, hey, thanks for a good show. And we're glad I found you. So we want to thank all the people who came over. And we hope that we haven't scared you away just yet.

We got a funny message from Peter. He says, sometimes I listen to your show while exercising at the gym. But due to your careless outbursts of humor, I have often made me weak at the knees with laughter on more than one occasion, and I nearly fell off the treadmill. We're sorry, Peter. We also got a message that somebody said you should put a warning on your podcast that you shouldn't drive because I almost crashed into a tree. Be careful when you're driving. We got a message to Tim and Cedric. Be careful when you're driving.

We got a message to Tim and Cedric. It says, I've been conscientiously voting for you in the podcast awards every day, and we'd like to remind the listeners that we are in the podcast awards, along with some of our podcasting brethren, the scathing atheist, my book of Mormon, thinking atheist, are all in religion. Other category, we are in the news and politics section of the podcast awards, and you can vote every day. So thank you very much, Dave, for voting every day. But he said, but I just noticed that the site sends back an email to verify my vote.

And the emails wound up in his spam folder folder. He says he noticed it and he was able to verify his votes. But just in case, let people know. So remember that if you do vote for us in the podcast awards, you have to put in a valid email. that if you do vote for us in the podcast awards, you have to put in a valid email. That email then gets an, uh,

an email from the podcast award people, and they will then send you a message and you have to verify it. So make sure you verify your votes. Please continue to vote for us. And we got a message too, from somebody, uh, uh,

who said that they could, uh, like there's some way to get around it. I'll like do some crazy shit where you could like break the system or something. Please don't do that. Just vote for us once. We don't want to win any other way.

So please don't do anything that would be considered unethical. Yeah. You vote for us once a day. That's in the rules. So, you know, feel free to vote for us once every day. We're really grateful to all of those who have voted. I think it would be a real feather in our caps and really like a testimony to the listeners that tolerate this show if we were to actually win. But, you know, we've got stiff competition in the news and

politics category. That's for sure. It would be wonderful if we were to come out ahead and really show, you know, how engaged our listeners are. Yeah, we've been really happy this week with being on the top 100 and being very high up. I think we made it up to like number six on news and politics this week. So we were real happy with the amount of people that are finding our show and listening to it. And if you could take a little bit of time to vote for us, we'd really appreciate it. So this message is from Pat, and Pat says that he wound up sending Pat Robertson a message. And I'm going to read the message, and he wound up throwing a glory hole in there. So here we go.

This says, Dear Pat, I live in Chicago and find it difficult to preach God's glory. Whole groups of people, I feel, are missing out and not coming onto the Lord's hand and experiencing the bliss of his gentle grip on their soul. How do I reach out to my neighbors and get them through the wall that separates them from the glory of almighty God without offending them and causing them to withdraw before completing their experience of god's love that's tremendous yours in jesus cecil thompson chicago that is amazing he will

never read it but it makes me laugh so thank you very much pat for sending that to pat robertson i do not think he's gonna read that but that is hilarious i think there's just too much innuendo and i think they're going to pick up on it yeah some screener is going to pick up on it uh because pat's you know got obviously a pretty big show um however i would say that there's probably some religious shows out there that would pick that would that would read that, that would not. Yeah. And so if you use that or something similar and you can get any religious televangelist to say that, oh my, I will buy you a shirt. Oh, it's amazing.

It's terrific. So we got a message, Tom, about Idaho, and I'm going to play this clip. This is a clip somebody sent in to us about Idaho. And special awards go to the two students who obviously had no help from their parents, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum. I'm Idaho. Yes, of course you are. That's an amazing clip. And we'll use it when we talk about Idaho in the future.

I love that because that's exactly how Idaho feels, right? Like, I'm Idaho. Yeah, nobody gives a shit. We got a message from Mike and he said, after listening to your latest episode, I bought the domain Pornhub.horse and he wanted to know if we wanted it. And we don't know what the hell we would do with it.

It's so funny. But it's awesome that he has Pornhub.horse. And he sent us a message from what the fuck at Pornhub.horse. So send him email at what the fuck at Pornhub.horse. That's amazing. I think that's great. I didn't know there was a.horse. Why?

Is there a.horse? So we got a message. This is from ick and ick says do a google image search for grand mufti and the first picture sums it up it's basically all the pictures but you get a chance to see a guy with a fucking picnic napkin on his head so do a search for grand mufti it's pretty awesome you want to put like i i see that and i immediately want to set a picnic basket on top of him i want to stick i want to stick a friendly bear on him right you know i just assume he's covered in ants yeah got a message tom about raising a skeptical child so this is from chloe she says dear tom i've been listening to your show for a couple of years and

i have uh twins just a bit younger than your oldest child. I live in a Bible Belt state and my kids often come home from school telling me about God, Jesus, zombies, monsters, and ghosts. They seem to view all of these ideas as equally credible. So I guess my question is, how do you help instill incredulity in kids who are, by their very nature, inherent believers? It's an excellent question. I don't know that I'm necessarily the guy with every answer, right? But I'll tell you what I do and what seems to be working. Although we've had a lot of conversations really recently about these subjects. And the first thing I do is I don't try to steer my son into believing or not believing anything. believing or not believing anything. So I don't present ideas as this is a true and this is not a true. You know, instead, I really have been focusing a lot. And my son is just turned eight.

I focus a lot on just saying, well, you know, tell me more what you think about that. Why do you think that that would be the case? I want to hear more about your thoughts on this. And what he's been what he's been doing recently is he's been listening to the audio books of the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. So if anybody's familiar with it, it's got a bunch of the Greek gods. And in the stories, there's Hades, right? And so these characters go down to Hades. There's an afterlife and another world. And he's really interested in that. And we've had a lot of conversations recently, reasonably in-depth little conversations, actually, where he expresses concern about experiencing being dead. And he hopes that there is a Hades, even though it sounds horrible, because to him, it sounds better than being dead.

And I don't tell him that one thing is better than the other. I just listen because he's only eight. And I ask him questions and I say, well, how would you know if there was a Hades? I really want to know. What do you think? How would we, that's an interesting idea. How would we know if that were true? And that's all I do. I don't try to argue. I'm just trying to ask him questions because what I want to raise is a child who knows how to ask good questions. I'm not afraid of answers. And I don't think I should raise my kid to be afraid of answers. What I'm afraid of are kids that don't know how to ask good questions. And so all I feel like I can do at this point is try to model that and just tell them, man, I think that's really interesting.

You know, what do you think being dead is like? And then I'll throw in, you know, like, well, what was it like before you were born? What did that feel like? And that's so if there's any steering going on, it's that kind of gentle steering that's based on the kinds of questions that we ask. And I think that that's the proof will be in the pudding. But that's how I'm doing it now. Well, the proof will be in the pudding, but that's how I'm doing it now, Chloe. Got a message from David Michael, host of My Book of Mormon, which is up for a podcast award. You may have heard earlier when I said that.

I want to play a message that he sent to us. And, you know, David Michael is sort of the consummate politician, and we're going to play this message that he sent. Hello, everyone. This is David Michael from the award-winning My Book of Mormon podcast. It's come to my attention that some of you may still be torn on which show to vote for in the 2015 Podcast Awards Religion Inspiration category. So I've decided to create this public service announcement to help clear up any confusion. So first, ask yourself, would you rather vote for a show that A, brings you the world-famous Book of Mormon drinking game, which gives you an ironclad excuse to guzzle down an average of more than six beers per episode,

or B, a show whose only game is top ten lists about pedophiles, racists, homophobes, etc. If you chose option A, then a vote for the My Book of Mormon podcast might be for you. If you chose option A, then a vote for the My Book of Mormon podcast might be for you. Next, ask yourself if you'd rather listen to a show whose host has a voice which has been described as sultry, seductive, which has been known to cause spontaneous orgasms, or B, a show with the voices of Mickey Mouse's older brother and his stoner friend. If you chose option A, then a vote for the My Book of Mormon podcast might be for you. And lastly, if you'd prefer to vote for a show that A, wins awards just by

putting out great content, or B, a show that has to pull out all the stops, all the gimmicks, and beg and plead for your vote to finally just win that one, and if you chose option A, then once again, a vote for the My Book of Mormon podcast might be for you. And to Noah, Heath, and Lucinda, if you're wondering what it's like to be the host of an award-winning show like mine,

I'm afraid I have to be honest with you. It's fucking awesome. So I wish you good luck, because you're going to need it. And lastly, before I go, to help clear up any confusion on who to vote for in the news and politics category, let me make that very easy for you. Vote for Cognitive Dissidence. If you don't, you're just an asshole. Happy voting, everyone.

Goodbye. Oh, David. Well, I'm not going to tell you who I've been voting for, David. Oh, good for you, though. What a great line. That's really funny. You know, there's three really good shows in the religion inspiration category.

So what I do is I vote for each one every third day so that my votes are meaningless. Yeah. I feel like. Yeah, I'm not going to say who I vote for, David. Let's just pretend I'm voting for you. How's that? This is from Sal. And Sal said, I just wanted to – he's doing a charity thing.

And now he's not asking for money. What he's looking for is sick kids that he can do a comic book sketch cover for. He's a comic book artist, and he wanted to draw stuff to cheer up sick kids. We think that's awesome. We are going to put a link to his Facebook page and his email on this week's show notes. This is episode 215. So this week, you can go ahead and find his contact information there on both those things.

If you know some sick child who would like a comic book sketched for them, this is the guy to do it. Thank you, Sal. That's a really cool thing to do. Man, that's a really awesome thing to do. You know, we sometimes get these requests where people are asking for us to plug one cause or another. And we tried doing it initially, but we got so many of them that we weren't able to accommodate them. But this is different because you're offering to you're not asking for anything. You're you're offering just to do something amazing. And we're really grateful for the opportunity to plug this.

So we're going to have two shows next week, a Thursday show and a Sunday show. So it's going to be a busy week for us. But we're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed Credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno-Babylon bullshit couched in scientician

double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins,

truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives,

employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. you