Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 223: Mystery Book of Super Mysteries

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

   

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey, Cecil and Tom. I just wanted to call and comment on the lady who had an explanation for why people find comfort when loved ones die in religion. I totally understand what she's saying. The only thing I would say about that is people who have died after spending a long time and a long time suffering, I can totally understand why somebody would find comfort in religion at that point. Knowing that or thinking that they know that their loved one is no longer suffering and that they have more ahead of

them that's happy and not in the horrible place that they were, I can imagine would give them a great deal of relief. Whereas having lost my father as an atheist, seeing his last month being nothing but suffering and having the belief that, you know, that's it, I totally understand why it would be a bring somebody comfort just think that they're in a better place, that they're happy and healthy. Just wanted to call and put in my two cents. Glory hole. Hey, guys.

It's John in California. I've called a few times. You know, I figured when I was in the Navy, went in in 86 to 90, you know, I figured when I was in the Navy, I went in in 86 to 90, you know, that you meet so many people from so many places when you go in the military that I would meet somebody from Idaho. And I had never met anybody. I've met a couple people that claim to be from Idaho since then, but I still don't believe it. I've never seen Idaho. And this is what I kind of deduced when I was in the Navy, that if you went to the Idaho state line, where it says Idaho state line, and look at that sign, and look at, turn around, you know, walk past it, and look back at the other side, it'll say, welcome to, you know, Idaho. It's just, I don't think it really exists.

I think it's like a Twilight Zone kind of thing. And so that's what I had to say. Bye. Glory hole. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording from glory hole studios in chicago this is cognitive distance i gotta hold on hold on i gotta interrupt you because it's it's not just chicago it's draft central chicago i don't really understand what that means. Why is it Draft Central? The roads today.

Well, the NFL draft is in Chicago. So the roads today down where I was at were just a complete snarl. Like everything was completely fucking closed down. There was like millions of road closures and everybody was just going to go stand and watch people hold jerseys as they got drafted. I didn't know that that was an event. I knew you didn't know it was a thing, which is great. I guess I knew that it happened because I knew that, like, I think if I'm right, like, the worst teams go first.

Isn't that how it works? Yeah, right. So, like, it pays to be, like, the worst of the worst. Yeah. Not the middle of the worst, right? Yeah, well, the Bears went seventh. So the Bears were not good last year, and they went seventh. Okay.

Yeah. No, it's draft central down here. And it's crowded. Is it always in Chicago? Or does it rotate? No, they rotate it all over the world, all over the fucking country, wherever the different, like, places are where they, you know, have big NFL following, where the sort of states and cities have teams. But they brought it to Chicago, and it was a big deal,

and the infrastructure just couldn't handle it. Every street was just fucking stopped up. It was like when they have the soccer draft down here. No. What you're saying is there are cars on the street? What I mean to say, when I say soccer draft, though, Tom, that's when Morningstar Mission gives away their cans of soup. So that's the soccer draft.

The soccer draft is just like, does anybody want to play soccer for us? Hey, guys. We'll take the reporters in the crowd. We don't care. It doesn't matter who. I don't know. You got a kid who's pretty good. Yeah, there's like a particularly fast seven-year-old. It doesn't matter who. I don't know. You got a kid who's pretty good. Yeah, there's like a particularly fast seven-year-old.

It doesn't matter. We'll take that dude in the wheelchair. It looks pretty good. We'll grab that guy. Crutches aren't a problem for us. We're happy. We won't even call a foul or whatever if you use your crutches. I don't know if they have i don't

know if they have fouls in soccer you're the best sports you're the best sports you are the sports i fucking nailed it dude you know what you're talking about here recording from glorial studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance you know I was actually trying to pick up where I left off, and I thought, like, no, I can't do that. No. No. What episode are we? We're 223, bitches. Because I'm noticing that there's fucking...

Right? Is it 223? Is it 223? Okay, 223. You're right. I think that's 223. It could be. Yeah, because last episode was like...

Because last was 222. It was a third of 666. Yeah, but last episode was like two episodes long. Shouldn't we just call this one 224? That's cheating. Which I'm, it turns out I'm okay with that. Does it matter? Like, who are we cheating?

We're cheating ourselves. And that's the important part, I think, somehow. Recording from Glory Hall Studios in Chicago. Oh, God. This is God-given dissonance it's skeptical it's political i don't know there's a thing so you know it's funny because um you know we went to reason con recently and everybody in the kind of the podcasting community is doing a post reason con wrap up which we're not going to do no we're just not going to do it so um but i do have i do have kind of a confession to make cecil which i think

might might surprise you and maybe other listeners of the show so you know you can do you can do nothing to surprise me i didn't say disappoint i said you could you could literally unzip yourself and be a female and i would be like yeah i fucking that's fine. I suspect it all along. I get it. Yeah. You just like, I just get like the one raised eyebrow. You're just like, all right. No, you just keep on unzipping yourself into smaller and smaller people until you're like

that guy from fucking like Austin Powers, like the mini me. He's like a Russian nesting doll of human skin. Yeah, like whatever. Yeah. He's like a Russian nesting doll of fucking flesh. That's fine. So, you know, I may have partaken of chemical joy over the course of ReasonCon. And so I felt it incumbent upon myself when I returned to return to some kind of normalcy.

And so I thought I would do a detox, Cecil. A detox? A detox. kind of normalcy and so i thought i would do a detox cecil so detox a detox um and so what i did is i waited for my fucking liver to detoxify my body yeah the reason con was great though i i gotta say of the cons we've been to reason con was i think one of my favorites. And I think the reason why it's one of my favorites is because the people there were real laid back. Sometimes when you go to some of these conferences, especially the big ones like TAM or whatever, sometimes it can get a little cliquish. There's little cliques that sort of form.

And when you try to interact with different groups, sometimes you're rejected. And I remember at TAM a couple times, you didn't feel like you could just walk up and talk to someone. It felt like there had to be some sort of, you know, it's like asking a girl out on a date when you're in high school. Like, well, I'm in fucking physics with her, and I also, like, go to the same church. So I have two fucking points of reference, and then I can ask her out on a date. It's the same thing at Tam. It's like I needed not only did I have to have like a moment where I smiled at you in the inside the fucking the talk where we both laughed at the same thing.

But then I also have to like order the same drink as you or something like that's me some weird numerology in order for me to actually talk to you. And it didn't it didn't seem like that at ReasonCon. in order for me to actually talk to you. And it didn't seem like that at ReasonCon. It seemed like I could walk to any group and just start talking, and people there were very friendly. Yeah, it was actually a super fun time. I enjoyed everything about the weekend.

It was great. And I agree, man. It was like you just walk around and have a good time, and there wasn't any pretension. Yeah. And I think if you even attempted any kind of pretension at that event you would have just been fucking swatted down

by just the fucking normalcy of the fucking human beings that were walking around and just chatting and trying to connect so it was fun it was a great time there was also a ton of podcasters there people that we you know hadn't had a chance to meet before we got a chance to meet the atheism 101 a chance to meet uh the

atheism 101 guys they were real nice down to earth guys really cool guys i had a good conversation with them for a little while and uh and it was funny because because one of them was like really mad he's like i hate it when they leave your reviews that they're fucking you're laughing what the fuck is wrong with those people it's hilarious it was very funny on our behalf yeah he was totally, it was great. And then I, you know,

we ran into professor Steven from atheist on air. He licked your face. I have a picture of it. I don't remember it, but I have the photo evidence of it. It's weird. We ran into, uh, we ran into,

we actually spent a lot of time hanging out with Bryce from naked Mormonism. Uh, you know, there was a bunch of other podcasters there. Of course, we hung out with David Michael. We hang out with him at all the cons. And he's like, I don't know.

He's like our chauffeur slash administrative assistant slash freeloader. Freeloader. I think I'm going to say freeloader here is what I want to say. No, he's a great guy. He's not a great guy. He's not even a good guy. He want to say no he's a great guy we know like the thing is he's not a great guy he's a he's he's not even a good guy he's a guy let's just let's just go with if you have to he's a guy yeah uh no he's he's actually a really cool dude you know like we met him at a at a picnic that we put on and since then every conference we go to and every time we hang out with him he's just he's just a really cool guy.

He's really funny. He's great to hang out with. His podcast sucks, but other than that – Yeah, I wouldn't listen to his show. I wouldn't listen to his show. I mean, it's terrible. It's awful. I actually offered, by the way, to mix his show, and he refused.

So he could have had a really good show this last time, but he decided to go with his own fucking substandard skills. show this last time but he decided to go with his own fucking substandard skills so well maybe it may maybe you know i mean he was concerned that that it might overload the server if more than four or five people listened you know i don't know what i don't know what i don't got a bandwidth the man pays no it's true it's true you know and then of course the night of the roast which was absolutely hilarious and uh noah and heath uh did a roast of god and they were absolutely stellar they were so funny we got a chance to meet noah heath and lucinda they are genuinely cool people we hung out with them a lot and they were funny and really nice just really great people and uh the night that you uh you abandoned me tom abandoned abandoned

that's accurate i i wound up recording for professor steven and we actually we actually did a little scathing dissonance or cognitive atheist i forget which one it is um so just so you know um immediately you might not you might not you might not be the best I could do. I love that I'm immediately replaced. Like I'm away for a handful of hours in the wee hours of the night might I had. Yeah. And immediately you turn your back on me, you fucking traitor. The thing is, is Heath is funnier. That's true.

No, I can't. The thing is, like, I'm actually not even grumpy about it. No, no, I get it. Because, you know, I would trade you in for a better model, too. Oh, I know. I know. But the better model would have to do so much work. It was funny because one guy even, like, I had a couple people come to me and be like,

yeah, Tom's the funnier part of your show. That is fucking nonsense. Other people listen to this show. I think it's great. I think it's great. You know, the funny thing is other people listen to this show. I think it's great. I think it's great. The funny thing is other people listen to this show and get indignant like, why do you let Tom on the show if he doesn't do any of the work? And they're so mad about it.

They are mad. They're so mad. I don't know why, but he is. I know. Yeah. But it was a great time. We had a great time at ReasonCon and really, you know. And Bobby C and Miss Ashley.

Let's not forget that. Yeah, Bobby C, Miss Ashley. There was just so many people and there was, you know know we just met a ton of people that were really great so it was fun time that's demonic everybody it is absolutely demonic so the first story we want to uh go over and it's not even a story it's just amazing it's from boing boing this guy is great it's a and the title is dungeons and dragons is full of occult demons warren's baptist pastor this guy is great it's a and the title is dungeons and dragons is full of occult demons warren's baptist pastor this guy is fucking huge good lord coat why would you even put that sport jacket or suit jacket on the thing doesn't fit it's look at his shoulders i know

it looks like yeah it looks like he's got a fucking bridge over his shoulders you've got to understand click on this link this man is not just big that is an insult to big this guy is you might this guy is thick bro a man might describe like the pyramids at giza as big by comparison to this gentleman this gentleman and he's fucking red or purple of the face he's iridescent it depends on how he catches the light dude is what it is that is not that is not a skin tone that means good health i was just gonna say it say you know it is a skin tone it's just not for healthy people right. It basically means your heart is exploding right now. Could you imagine going to a store to try to buy just even his ties?

They'd be like, well, we kind of don't have one that's going to wrap around your neck, so I got this barge rope back here. I don't know if you're interested. It's kind of got a little interesting pattern on it, but we really can't get around your neck. I'm sorry. It's amazing yeah he's like he's like a mountain he looks like a the man looks like a fucking enormous cherry sundae

of lard it'd be like dressing the statue of liberty like it's just it's just hard it's just hard to do it's challenging all right let's play this guy this guy he's giving us the fucking whoopsie doodle here with his fucking devil sign. So hold on a second. This is this fucking Dungeons and Dragons pastor. I don't know. His name's Wynne Worley. He even sounds like a fat guy.

He's so fat. He's so very fat. A satanic salute. And the unicorn, flying horse, rainbows. Of course, that's the New Age symbols. Enchantments, fetishes, potions, spells, dungeons, and dragons, occult games like that,

psychic readings, reincarnation, pyramid, clairaudience, mental science, false visions, superstitions, amulets, talismans, satanism, karma. It sounds like he's a fucking auctioneer. Like, he's trying to, like, sell us these things. Do I have karma? Do I have karma? Do I have unicorns with gay fucking rainbows? Do I have that?

It sounds like the skeptic's creed. I should just give him a copy of it. It does. He didn't mention dolphins, though. No, no, no. Or giant worms. Yeah. These are some of the occult spirits.

These are some of my favorite things. These are some things that I ate for dinner. Favorite thing. These are some things that I ate for dinner. If you've dabbled in any of these, then you're cursed. Your children are cursed. Your grandchildren are cursed. Your great-grandchildren are cursed. Oh, my God.

That's so bad. Wow. Jeez. You're fucked like six generations deep. Oh, God. Like, fucking even STDs aren't that bad. Can you imagine, like, looking over at your dad and your dad's like, oh, man. I totally played D&D one time back in the 70s.

Thanks a lot, Dad. No fucking curse. I'm totally cursed. And my kids will be cursed, too. Why even have kids? Why even live? Now, there is a way to take care of that and we're gonna do that it's quite simple really don't believe in bullshit it's super easy actually there's uh satan is a legal expert and as long as he has legal

rights to be somewhere you cannot budge him i don't care who you are wait satan is a legal expert and as long as he has legal rights to be somewhere, you cannot budge him. I don't care who you are. Satan is a legal expert, Tom. Satan is like Matlock? No, Satan is a little different. Hold on a second. I think this is true. This is true that Satan is a legal expert and there's a movie

that actually proves that. Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven. Is that it? Why not? I'm here on the ground with my movie that actually proves that better to reign in hell than serve in heaven is that it why not i'm here on the ground with my nose in it since the whole thing began i've nurtured every sensation man has been inspired to have i cared about what he wanted and i never judged him why because i never rejected him in spite of all his imperfections i'm a fan of man i'm a humanist maybe the last humanist awesome there's uh satan is a legal expert and as long as he has legal rights to be somewhere you cannot budge him i don't care who you are nobody can

budge you either because you're like the blog, right? I was going to say, this is a man who knows a little something about not budging. Like out of the buffet line, for example. Or say his airplane seats. This is a guy. Hold on. Airplane seats. Airplane.

I'll take one. Cargo plane. airplane this is i'll take one cargo plane this is a guy who still wakes up in mourning crying every every night uh in remembrance of wendy's pasta bar yeah just take it away why yeah the worst part is he cries gravy too that's the worst and he cries at the ponderosa just cries on your steak. Like, you call him over, you're like, hey, bro. And he sings a little dry. He's like, woo-hoo.

Just fill your plate up with demi-glace from his eye socket. It's fucking amazing. It's fucking rich and buttery, that's for sure. Look at that. I guess what I'm saying is, he's so fat. He's incredible. Alright. You can throw your coat at him

or blow on him or whatever. Why would you put your coat on him? Wait a minute. Hold on. Slow the trade down. No, you can throw your coat at him. Why? Who would think that

that would solve the problem? Well, because the devil is like a fucking mouse. You could shoo it away. It's like a bumblebee. I can't take it. Get out of here, devil. Is he a puddle that I have to escort a young lady over? Oh, glad to be putting my coat over this puddle of Satan.

You've got to take away the legal grounds. That's what we're doing. Now we're going to take away the legal grounds on the occult. If you've ever been involved or you say, well, I don't think I've ever been involved. Well, your ancestors may have been. So take no chances. Let's renounce it. It's not going to hurt you to renounce.

It might hurt you not to. So if you would bow your head, please. I love it. He's like, like God is up there. He's like, God is up there. He's like, oh, y'all had a coupon? Okay, come on in, then. Oh, I didn't know you had a coupon. Is this one of those living social deals?

This is one of those Satan bogos. Fucking. Oh, I was going to curse your children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's children's consumed his fucking weight in sweet tea. Why is it? Fucking, I had some tea when we were down in North Carolina. Hold on. Yeah, no, yeah. Because that shit is fucking pure. Like, it's fucking hummingbird water. It's unbelievable.

It is amazing, isn't it? You taste it, and you're just like, what the what? It doesn't even have a tea taste. Good Lord. It's just discolored water. Oh my God. It's just, it's like, you know what I think it is? And I'm only half kidding.

I think it's just water and brown sugar. There's no tea involved. I took two sips and I got fucking diabetes. You already had diabetes. Wilford Brimley was trying to fucking sell me test kits at home. So this story comes from the Raw Story. Texas GOP lawmaker

what is going on in Baltimore is because of too many gay marriages. What? Yeah, man. Yeah, that's the fucking problem. Says a guy who's so fucking divorced from the actuality of the problem. A fucking dude in Texas is going to talk about

what it's like. A fucking old white dude in Texas has fucking thoughts about what it's like to be a fucking disempowered black person in fucking Baltimore. And you're going to blame it on fucking gay marriage. Yeah.

Well, cause you know, in the, in the black community in Baltimore, gay marriage is rampant. Yeah. Right. That's the thing. It's like, are you, you don't, you, you misunderstand literally everything about this community. And so, you know, it's, it's, it could be, and I mean, let's give them the benefit of the doubt, right? Maybe it is gay marriage that's causing it. It's, it's, it could be. And I mean, let's give them the benefit of the doubt. Right.

Maybe it is gay marriage that's causing it. It's either that or, you know, we could we could always turn our attention to Rand Paul, who is blaming the Baltimore riots on absentee fathers, because that's another that's another option. So, no, like, let's say, like, I got it. I got to be OK. So this one guy saying gay marriage is the problem yes and the other one's saying abstinency fathers well what if you had a gay parents and they're both dads you have two dads that's true twice as many dads as other families yeah well then i mean that but then you're probably like then i don't know maybe you riot i don't maybe you loop but then you give it right back. I don't know. I'm not sure.

It's all very confusing. It's very confusing because they're just making it up. And if you listen, I'm going to play this clip for you. This is Rand Paul. Now, the beginning of it is a woman talking to him. So she's saying some things that are like fucking basically making it a federal thing, trying to impugn Obama while he's saying, no, it's not. So listen to what listen to what she has to say in his response. making it a federal thing, trying to impugn Obama while he's saying, no, it's not. So listen to what listen to what she has to say in his response. You think the president would have been smart to come out after the Saturday night disaster

where you had an entire baseball stadium told to stay in the stadium? It was so dangerous. And they still didn't call for any type of emergency procedures on the streets. They didn't call for any reinforcements, didn't call for a curfew. Then this thing boils over throughout the day yesterday after this funeral for Freddie Gray. It was clearly and quickly spiraling out of control. What would you like to have heard perhaps earlier on from the president or even the new attorney general? You know, I don't know if there is an answer from the federal government.

It obviously is a local problem primarily. You see how he did that? Yep. Like immediately that's how he – and it's like it's so funny that these people are so disconnected from these officials. They have no idea that – I mean you could – I could have guessed that that's how he was going to respond. Even that question, even as a Democrat, I'm like,

okay, yeah, well fucking, it's not a, it's not a fucking federal deal. Yeah. And I love that she tries to set him up as a, you know,

cause here's the thing, like here's the, he's a 2016 wannabe, right? And so what she's doing is she's setting him up to take a pot shot at the current administration in order to create divisiveness and distance. I that's that's like that's everybody does this right yeah you know oh i got your guy let me feed you a softball let you knock it out of the park and even he's like no i'll fucking take some bait but that's the fucking bait that i'm not taking because it's not

even consistent with his own fucking platform yeah and i don't even agree with the guy's platform well hold on now let's hear what he has to say about the riots themselves. It's depressing. It's sad. It's scary. I came to the train on Baltimore last night. I'm glad the train didn't stop. But the thing is that really there are so many things we can talk about, but I think it's something we talk about not in the immediate aftermath, but over time, you know, the breakdown of the family structure, the lack of fathers, the lack of sort of a moral code in our society. This isn't just a racial thing. It goes across racial boundaries. fathers, the lack of sort of a moral code in our society. This isn't just a racial thing.

It goes across racial boundaries. But we do have problems in our country. And you see this and you see that we're close to the tipping point, closer to the tipping point than many think. And so there are a lot of things that can be done, but there can be no excuse for the behavior. What a first. I mean, how fucking disconnected from reality can you be then this guy this is a guy you want to be president like what is he talking about he's

talking about fucking the tipping point the tipping point what the fuck are you even what tipping what does that mean you have any idea what he means i think he's you know like like there's been two riots and within a couple years over police brutality that sort of stemmed from police brutality, but also have some real systemic problems that are rooted in the community there in both those places, Ferguson and in Baltimore, that extend past police brutality into something completely different. different um but but the problem is is that these guys what they're going to blame it on is you know well there needs to be you know absent he starts saying absentee fathers and he's like oh wait it's not a racial thing it's like fucking clearly it's a racial thing dude when you're saying fucking absentee fathers are the problem with baltimore riots yeah and then he's and then he tries to say like the lack of a sort of moral code in our society um and he says we have problems in our country at the tipping point well what do you mean the lack of a moral code in our society what are

you getting at this is all just fucking weasel words like nothing that he says means anything and when he says like wow there's so many things we can talk about he's gonna be like well fucking talk about one then pick something and fucking talk about it. Pick a point. Declare a position. Defend your position. That's how this works. Don't just fucking hedge. Oh, and it's something we can talk about.

Not in immediate aftermath, but over time. What does that mean? What does that mean? It means you don't want to say anything because you run the risk of fucking offending people or being obtuse or being blamed for, you know, fucking be brave, take a stance, tell us how you feel, defend how you fucking feel. That's it. And if you don't have anything to fucking say about it, say, Hey, you know, I haven't considered this enough. I'm not sure what enough of what the situation on the ground is to talk about it intelligently. This sort of fucking weasel word bullshit is just how, how is this going to be a fucking presidential

candidate there's a lot of words to say nothing it it's it's interesting because i've never been obviously as a reasonably privileged white middle-class dude i've never been in a position I've had to endure generations long lack of opportunity, systemic violence visited upon me by, you know, not only members of my own community, but the forces outside of my community who are supposed to keep us safe. You know, grinding poverty, shitty schools, unsafe conditions in the streets and in workplaces. You know, these are things I've never had. I just don't have to deal with them. Right. And I have no way to conceptualize how I can do is empathize and say, man, like, I don't get it because I'm not in your shoes. And I don't want to pretend that I get it because I can't be in those shoes.

And I can't get behind – you know, I honestly can't. I can't say, like, yes, definitely the solution is to burn down the CVS. Like, that's not the solution to the problem. But at the same time, it's really receive is going to be spurious at best. Yeah. Those are just those are just it's a world I physically it's like I fucking it's like a different country. It's like a it's like I live in a fucking entirely different country. Yeah.

Because there are there are more than there's more than one America, man. There's fucking urban black America or urban minority America and then there's fucking white America and they're fucking really different places to grow up and they're really different places to live. And I know that's a gross oversimplification. But I think you get the point largely. Those are the two divides and people don't understand what it's like. Many people don't understand what it's like to grow up and be completely impotent and just have like no future, nothing to look forward to systematically. There's no way because the way in which we, we handle our property taxes to fucking fund our schools, there's no way you're going to get out of that. You know, everybody around you is a dropout.

You're a dropout. You're not going to get, you're not going to better yourself all you're going to think to do is try to get ahead as as best you can with the tools that you have available and the tools you have available are like drug trade and gangs right that's the best that you can do because you you just don't have a way out yeah they're fucking are there fucking success stories from the fucking like really poor parts of the country yeah sure they exist but they're like i mean that's like fucking it's like a fairy tale compared to the rest of those people podcasters they live in squalor destitute and disenfranchised eking out an existence as best they can in such desolate places as Chicago.

In pairs, but otherwise alone, they suffer from hunger and thirst, barely making it day to day on store-brand chicken wings and weak domestic beer. In the arms of the angel, fly away from here. From this dark, cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear. But now you can help. the endlessness that you feel. But now you can help. For just a few dollars a podcast, pennies a day, you can give them the restaurant-style chicken wings and imported beer that they so desperately need.

For less than the price of a cup of coffee, you can make a difference in their lives, allowing them the opportunity to rant unfettered, as nature intended. Please, go to patreon.com backslash dissonance pod today, make a pledge, and help these poor, innocent creatures lead a life worth living. So this story comes from the Raw story. Man, what's this guy on TV for? Fox priest.

Hard to trust an atheist president because they don't fear eternal damnation. Fox News contributor Father Jonathan Morris said, One thing is very certain. You can't fake religion well well sure you can yeah wait i and i i when i read the article i thought like well here fucking watch me you know like yeah yeah i'll akbar man like sure cool you can't check up on me. You know, I could pretend to be a Christian.

I could do that passively if I needed to. I've done it. I went to a church because a girl I was interested in went to the church, man. Like, you can do it. Lots of people do it. Priests do it. You can fake religion. It's like a really easy thing to fake.

it you can fake religion it's like a really easy thing to fake it's not like saying like hey you can't fake having five fingers on your left hand like a fucking i would agree with you like you can't fake that you either have your five fingers or you don't but religion sure you just what religion are you i'm christian okey doke that's it? How do you not fake it? And then the other thing that this guy has to say when he says, look, it's because, you know, it's hard to trust an atheist because they don't fear eternal damnation. I can spin that around on you and say, well, it's hard to trust a fucking end times Christian because they think this is the end times and they don't give a shit. You know, like where it matters in the real times and they don't give a shit yeah you know like where it matters in the real world they don't give a fuck so if if you think revelations is fucking a real thing i think you're not fit to lead period that's i mean fucking full stop man i don't think you i don't think that you should be getting votes as somebody who is an end times believer as some or even i mean even let's let's even just go to like creationist if you're a That you should be getting votes as somebody who is an end times believer.

Or even, I mean, let's even just go to like creationist. If you're a creationist, you're so divorced from reality. I just don't think you should be leading. So, you know, this knife cuts two ways. Somehow you think that because there's no internal damnation, they're not going to try to do something. They're going to do something, I guess, immoral in some ways. I mean, I guess that's what your argument is is that well with no checks and balances after you die then you could basically do whatever you want while you're alive and you think well we kind of

already have checks and balances in place for a reason if we thought jesus was going to handle it we wouldn't have the supreme court in congress we just have a fucking king that got appointed right and because we tried that. And Saudi Arabia has that. Fucking England used to have that. I know. It's ridiculous. I also think that, honestly, like you said, the sword cuts both ways. I mean, what about the problem of forgiveness within your faith, within the Christian faith?

Where you can just fuck up and be like, oh, man started that war but god forgave me yes some christian sects absolutely do that where they're just like whatever i do i can be forgiven for all i have to do is just ask i just have to repent fucking okay well all he's got to do is fucking put the launch codes in and then just fucking ask for forgiveness you're totally fine don't they all believe in that? I don't think so. I think that some need a middleman in order to repent. I'm pretty sure that Catholics need a middleman. I thought you just had to confess and repent. I thought that was all you had to do. Yeah, but I think you have to have a fucking paid representative of God there in order to do it.

of god there like in order to do it yeah i just i just you know i think about that and i think like well you know atheists don't have to face eternal consequences no we have to face fucking immediate consequences exactly yeah right it's immediate versus fucking eventual and the other thing is like i don't have as an atheist you know i have to constantly look at the moral decisions that i make and decide if the decisions that i make, you know, if they fundamentally shift or alter, you know, the character of myself, the narrative of myself that I'm telling to myself. Right. Like because that's what we are. Right. We're a story we tell ourselves. And and we have this story that we tell ourselves and we decide I am a good person. I and everybody decides they're a good person. And I, you know, I am a person of high moral character and this and that and the other thing. And so we have to constantly re-evaluate our choices and how they fit into that story and into that

framework. But if I'm religious, I don't have to do the work of reconciling my actions with my sense of self because I can dismiss my actions through divine forgiveness. I can make that shit go away. And so I don't have to reevaluate, am I still a good person? Instead, I can just be like, I fucked that up. I need to be forgiven by the big man. I mean, one yields a stronger moral character, and the other one is religious belief.

In the name of Jesus, we speak that. Chaka-hooka-hooka-hooka-chaka-hooka-hooka-hooka-chaka-hooka-hooka-chaka. I'm hooked on a feeling. I'm high on believing. So this story comes from the Christian Post. Long Island Medium, Teresa Caputo under investigation for fraud. Christian Post, huh? I know, right? I mean, it's not even the raw story.

Horrifyingly, if you go to this website, like I'm looking at the mobile version. I know. I actually deleted the M because if you go to the mobile version, it's just her giant face. So it takes up the whole screen. It's a horror show. You need to stop looking at these things on your phone. It's Oompa Loompas as far as the eye can see. It's fucking crazy.

Good Lord. So she's under investigation for fraud. You know what she looks like? She looks like one of those troll dolls with the hair down. Oh, God. No, she's uglier than that. No, she's uglier than that. So she's under investigation.

Many of her clients are dissatisfied with the readings. They claim she has no gift. Well, no shit. And they have plenty of sources helping her pull off a scam. And they say she's like a vulture preying on the most vulnerable. It's despicable. And it's kind of like, how are you just figuring this out now? You watch.

I mean, even with editing on that show, you watch that show and there's no way you can get around her not knowing it's like doing a cold reading. I mean, she walks into like a bakery and she says whose mother died and there's like fucking 10 people that are over 60 in there of course somebody's fucking mother died sure because mothers die it's just ridiculous the shit she throws out there even with editing tom even with the fucking magic of film and fucking b-roll and extra fucking footage she still looks like a fake man and i'm not even like i'm not even fucking super trained in how cold reading even works like i kind of i kind of get it i'm just a i'm just a guy who would be really hyper skeptical or something like that so whenever they say something i immediately question it but i you get somebody in there like joe nickel or fucking as you know somebody is somebody like Joe Nickel or fucking somebody like fucking

Richard Wiseman they'd be like fucking they would face fuck her they would fucking immediately know what the fuck she's doing they would immediately know that she's fucking lying the thing is if you get somebody in there who's a real pro they'd absolutely be able to

completely point out all of the things that she does but even as a fucking rank goddamn amateur i can tell she's a fake you know what what kills me about this this whatever passes for a story from the christian post it says caputo lives in new york and is a certified medium with the forever family foundation i thought wait a minute a certified medium what exactly is the certification process for frauds what do you have to do like everybody just shows up and is like are are you are you a convincing liar yeah i'm really convincing liar oh okay great you're a fucking you went to upstairs fucking medium college too i mean what is a

certified fucking medium how would you certify there's not been a fucking single medium that's ever been tested or proven to be you know actually got a single fucking gift at all that all of this is gift i fucking hate that term that has any fucking skills whatsoever in terms of you know clairvoyance or paranormal powers it's all fucking made up it's all very obviously made up they they can never produce on demand they always are you know like you said they're like fucking they're shitting their fucking garbage into a crowd of people and it's a fucking most outrageous you know like oh here's somebody with heart problems. I know we all have fucking hearts.

You know what I mean? And it's like one of the most common things in America when we eat, like, sticks of butter. Right. You know, it's like, are you kidding me? First of all, if I walk in a room, I'm a walking fucking bag of health problems. Yeah, exactly. All of my organs are trying to leave my body all the time for better you are seriously though the older you are the more aches and pains you have the more

right problems you have with your body it's like it's so easy just to walk up to an old person be like oh you know i'm noticing some problems like and then you start like going around your chest and you're just like oh yeah well there's like fucking literally 35 things somewhere in your torso region it's like well that's where all of my organs are it's amazing did you hear about the uh the the little person palm reader that escaped from prison what no what no it was a small medium at large oh nice nice oh that joke is so up your alley that's the best part like i can see you fucking grinning ear to ear just like it's a small medium that's great that joke is so oh god we're navigating away from this small medium at large and large. See, because they were little. Oh, my God.

Jesus. I'm Raymond Massey, and I have a special message for senior citizens. Today's doctors, drugs, and medical devices truly work medical miracles for young and old alike. But there are some as phony as a $3 bill. Investigate before you invest in health services or products. Help stamp out quackery. So this story's awesome. It's from The Guardian.

None of it is true. Wellness blogger Belle Gibson admits she never had cancer. Holy shit. This fucking horrible degenerate of a human being built an empire, a wellness empire, sold books, website, blog, all that kind of shit, was on television. All of this was sold on the claim that she cured her own terminal brain cancer through lifestyle changes and diet. cancer through lifestyle changes and diet. And in fact, she recently told Australian Women's Weekly in an interview that it's all bullshit. She made the whole fucking thing up.

Isn't that crazy? Can you imagine how many people bought her shit, man, and followed her shit and blame themselves because, you know, they're supposed to be eating fucking spirulina and fucking wheat germ or whatever the goddamn made-up bullshit by an unqualified fraud. Yeah. You know? So whatever garbage she just fucking puked out of her fucking face hole in order to make money off the backs of fucking sick people.

And people are following this, then the one day they eat a fucking cheeseburger and you know their fucking tumor doesn't shrink and you know they're fucking beating themselves up they're beating themselves up because they didn't follow the fucking gibson super diet a hundred percent and now their fucking tumor isn't shrinking and maybe if they hadn't eaten that cheeseburger you know what i mean you know that shit happens and you know to the people who aren't fucking sick i really don't care you know whether that cheeseburger, you know what I mean? You know, that shit happens. And, you know, to the people who aren't fucking sick, I really don't care. You know, whether you're eating fucking, you know, your spoonfuls of wheat germ every day or whatever the fuck you're choking down. You're trying to figure out a way to prevent yourself from getting cancers, etc.

I don't I mean, I really don't care. But like you said, it's the sick people. Those are the people that are at risk. It's the sick people. Those are the people that are at risk. Those are the people that fucking are looking for a place to turn because they might not be able to get answers other places because it's fucking so bleak for them. And they come to this woman because she seems to have answers and they fucking eat whatever she tells them and fucking buys their app and follows her blog. Fucking she gets tons of money based on this.

And she even had like committed fraud based on some. She was supposed to get money to charity and she didn't do that what kind of awful human are you it's it's fucking all the awful that's what she is you know but you know i'm reminded of that fucking kevin trudeau asshole yeah yeah you know and and he he's in fucking the judge fucking threw the book at that dude the other day. Just fucking chucked it at him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right in the bean. But people stood up in the courtroom. And this is a man who admitted. He admitted to being a fraud. He fucking came out and said it.

He's convicted of it. He's being sentenced for it. And people stood up in that courtroom and defended him. They stood up. You know, people who are supposed to be quiet observers, They stood up and fucking yelled stuff about, you know, how Kevin Trudeau's fucking mystery book of super mysteries or whatever fucking garbage. You know, it's called it was called the things that doctors don't want you to. Yeah, right. Yeah.

They don't want you to know the fucking. They don't want you to know. But, you know, the thing is, like, this woman will still have, you're right, this woman will still have followers. There will be people who think that this is a conspiracy by Big Medicine or, you know. Absolutely. It's fucking so depressing. You can't undo it.

You can't unring that bell. I get, I understand the fucking natural, you know, people want to go back to, you know, eating better, wholesome foods, et cetera. I get it. It fucking makes sense. It's, you back to you know eating better wholesome foods etc i get it it fucking makes sense it's you know it's it's good wholesome foods i understand if that's what you want to do with your diet go do it but to make claims like this that say like i treated my own cancer with this you know that's fucking dangerous that's dangerous i understand you want to fucking go out there and be like oh well i just think that this is going to prevent cancer well you could think that's going to prevent cancer all day and then make your own fucking website but when you are

trying to make sure that you're giving yourself your own credibility through lying like this you just i hope that i hope that that she receives some sort of punishment. I know they have some crazy laws over in Britain where, like, fucking can't wear a wig on Sunday or whatever the fuck. They're going to throw the book at her, hopefully. I mean, you can't even say, like, you can't even call that Sally Morgan a fraud.

Yeah, I know. That's crazy. Can you imagine? I mean, this whole show would break down if we couldn't just mock people. Mercilessly like we do? There wouldn't even be any point in doing it. Although I'm not convinced there's any point in doing it anyway.

You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay! Oh my God, what's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance now! he's just fucking delightful pat robertson sodomy abortion and mocking fundamentalists

will doom america i love it so it's it's it's sodomy and abortion all right these are the similar talking points and then just making fun of me just stop being a big duty head we've been making fun of this guy since 2008 and that's why we've doomed america take that america you're fucked now fuck you america cecil and tom fucking bent you over going to fucking sweden now bitches all right so let's play pat robertson this is pat robertson from his 700 club via right wing watch 400 years have passed since america was first conceived at cape henry 400 years have passed since America was first conceived at Cape Henry. 400 years have passed since Pat was born. Since Pat's golden birthday.

Pat's so old, like he remembers stoning of witches in Salem. That was yesterday in his backyard. Come on over for the stoning. And respect for our roots is growing cold. Yet one undeniable fact still remains. At its core, the United States of America is a Christian nation. One undeniable fact. I said it out loud.

As long as I fucking, like, only pick certain things and omit literally all of the history of the united states if you ignore history this is a historical fact okay all right fair enough all right cool bro undeniable don't even try to deny it cool cross bro with your stuff no one in your book and your book-knowing. And your thought-thinking. But I have some questions. No, it's an undeniable fact. It's completely undeniable. Here's the thing, bro. I'm denying it. I'm denying it. No, you

can't. I said it was undeniable. That's how I win. That's how I win first. Not it. I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say. Those words we better heed, ladies and gentlemen, on this special anniversary. When we lose religion, pure, undefiled religion, farewell to virtue, farewell to liberty, farewell to the things that we love. And isn't that what's happening in Baltimore or other cities, Ferguson and so forth? I would argue that a lot of those people are very religious.

Right? This is not an atheist. You're not going to urban centers and walking around finding a whole bunch of fucking atheists. Churches are pretty powerful things in most poor communities. most poor communities. Well, what I think people are missing is that Baltimore is actually an atheist commune. That's true. I don't know.

It's what it is. That's what it is. And that's why the revolts happen is because they're non-religious, I guess. That's an undeniable fact. By the way, Pat Robertson in this is so awesome looking. By the way, Pat Robertson in this is so awesome looking. He not only is one side of his face droopy, but one side of his body is droopy. He's like a half-melty candle. That man is. I was going to say, he is just going to melt one day.

Someone is going to fucking splash some water on him on air. He's going, I'm melting! splash some water on him on air. He's like, I'm melting! We lost the virtue that made this country great. And we've got a Supreme Court now that's deciding whether they're going to bring in sodomy and put it in the Constitution. What? Let's put the sodomy in the Constitution.

What exactly? Would that be an amendment like you have to fucking take it in the pooper or blow somebody right how does that work i'm i i'd be thrilled i think it sounds great like a sodomy to the constitution because now you don't even have to fucking ask for it you know what i mean it's just that's just straight up in there you're like you're fucking throwing down you're like listen i don't know what you're into but i'm into the constitution here's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna read your moran rights and i'll fuck you look i i'm not sure if this is your thing but you kind of have to blow me if you love america i don't know you don't have to say anything because you could plead the fifth

throughout the entire thing we have brought in the murder of unborn children put that in the constitution page three wait wait it's on page three it's you didn't read that it's fucking read your constitution cecil oh man we totally put that in the constitution bro it's in there i know actually what we did was we wrote the constitution in unborn blaby blood that's how it yeah just dipped our fucking ink in their fucking slotted skulls we use their tiny fingers as quill pens it's like you got one of those mechanical those old mechanical pencils you know like when you're done writing, you pull out the one in the bottom and you stick it in the top and it pushes the next little baby finger down. And that's how you.

We have bought in every kind of heinous practice and enforced it in the Constitution. This guy hasn't read the constitution no idea what's in it it's like yeah it's not like fucking penthouse letters isn't that what the constitution is at the highest levels of our land and sooner or later a holy god is going to say i've had enough with you i've had enough My hands are going to be taken off your nation. No, no, not till they're done. Not till they're done. You keep your hands on my nation.

God's been fisting the Grand Canyon for years. Don't just fucking tease my nation. You're going to start a job, finish the job. He's been rubbing Nevada with a circular motion for years. He's been waiting for that fucking thing to wet up. You know what I mean? It's so dry over there. He's just fucking desert dry. It's just God is bad at foreplay is what it is.

Fucking drought over there. Terrible at that. What they need to do is just get a big river of KY going through there for God's hand to sort of stream glide over it. But right now, the hand of God is upon us for blessing. We have been blessed beyond any nation on earth. There's a freedom we have in America no other nation has enjoyed. Yeah, so fuck those other nations. Fuck them.

Fuck those other nations. What did he say? He's like, no other nation enjoys freedom? No, no, no. Are you kidding me? Nobody enjoys freedom except for the United States. Everybody else gets locked in prison. Give me a break. What an idiot.

That's true. If you go to any other nation they can't they can't stuff or do thank you that's true it's true no i mean it's true you can't i mean if like you lived in canada oh can you imagine can you imagine how horrible it'd be to like wake up and you're in norway or some other fucking you know gulag hellhole norway like the wang nations up there that are like the the cock and balls nations that are hanging up there yeah we have riches we have untold opportunities there's never been a country like america why because it's founded on the word of god and now people mock the word of god and those who proclaim it are laughed at

as fundamentalists well we need the fundamentals because if we don't have them this nation is doomed it's funny because you look at at you know massively secular nations and they're doing fine just fine bro doing all right you know guys, well, I'll take my hand off. And it's like, well, fucking you weren't helping anyway. You know what I mean? It's like you're riding your bike and all of a sudden you look behind you and your fucking dad's not running behind you anymore. You're like, I was riding all along. You know?

It was always you. It's fucking stupid as shit. My dad was an alcoholic. He never pushed me on my bike. He pushed you over on your bike. He just sees you riding by him. He'd be sitting inside. He'd be like, is that fucking kid riding that bike yet?

Look at him ride. Look at him ride. If he's not riding yet, bring him in here. I'll beat him. Shh. I'll teach that fucker to ride here's what i'll do i'll stand here and yell at you to ride your bike did that help now i have a drink he's standing there in his stained white t-shirt his underwear i loved it when he stood around his underwear though because that meant his belt was far away so That's how you know you're safe.

Oh, God. You're safe. Oh, no. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth.

Oh, Christ. This comes from News.com, Australia. Aidan Fenton, 7, vomited and died after slapping therapy. So evidently there's a thing called slapping therapy. This poor kid was taken to a Chinese healer who did an alternative Chinese medicine

workshop at the Tasty or Tazly Health Pack, probably not Tasty. Probably not. Health Pack Center where he died. He went and saw this Chinese therapist who advocates the use of slapping therapy. Wait, fucking, it is exactly what it sounds like.

These people are slapped until they're bruised to cure illnesses and rid the bodies of poisons. And this dude said that the more it hurts when you're being slapped, the more full of poisons you are. That sounds what? Yeah, it just hurts getting slapped. Who would take a seven-year-old and be like, let's slap him until he's bruised. It's not just that. It's they fucking paid $1,800 to kill a kid. Right.

Like, that's the thing is like, this isn't just some dude who made some shit up and these poor people were duped into killing their child, right? This is a guy who maliciously is killing children because he doesn't care because he's making a gob of fucking money off of it. Right? This is an awful, awful person. This isn't just a, a whoopsie doodle. Oh. Right. This is an awful, awful person.

This isn't just a whoopsie doodle. Oh, sorry. I gave him some bad advice. No, this is a guy giving malicious advice for profit. Excuse me. How the fuck are you? I'm in the middle of talking. That's good.

That's what everybody else is doing, though. I know. You're fucking so exciting to talk to. Oh, fuck you. I remember what I was going to say. That's how we're going to end it then. Well, fuck it. So the other thing is like when you read through this,

not only did these poor parents get duped into bringing their kid, they're paying $1,800 to this fucking asshole. But detectives are investigating whether he was taken off of his insulin before his death because he was diabetic. And this guy claims in his fucking seminar that the participants should fast for three days. So think about that you've got a diabetic kid who all of a sudden is taken off of his insulin and then fasting for three fucking days yeah like that's a recipe for fucking disaster and then they undertake the fucking slapping which i got a fucking seven-year-old i gotta tell you something man if i slap that fucking kid he's fucking confused he's angry just it's like he understands like a grown person where i can enter

into this fucking weird contract of meridian garbage and be like let's fucking slap each other for he would just be fucking traumatized and upset and not understand why he was being you know withheld food and not understand why people were fucking beating on him. And then at the end, like they slap him so much that it can prompt vomiting and dizzy spells. And this fucking guy calls it a healing crisis. I mean, at the very least, at the fucking very least, if you're going to be a shithead fraud, only be a fraud to fucking grown ass men and women. And also be like, you know, if you're going to be a sh to fucking grown-ass men and women and and also be like you know if you're gonna be a shithead fraud can't you just fucking do like sugar pills like homeopathy or some shit

like i understand that neglecting the treatment is bad right that's a bad thing so like if you're neglecting the treatment and the kid you know you wind up not giving him his insulin or whatever it is and the kid dies etc the kid gets fucked up not giving him his insulin or whatever it is. And the kid dies, et cetera. The kid gets fucked up because of it. I understand that that's bad, right? But actually inflicting damage on the kid. Doesn't that seem just like fucking that just seems like a guy who likes to hit kids. Yeah, right.

Or just doesn't get or just is so fucking so divorced from his own empathy that he's like, I'll take eighteen hundred bucks. I don't give a fuck what happens right so we want to thank our newest patrons we want to thank janet jeff joel rob scott tim lyle erica nicholas barbara bla, Peter, Adam, Tyson motherfucking West Rope, Tim, Kevin, Mike, and Christopher. Thank you all so much. Your donations go a long way to making things like ReasonCon possible. And it was a lot of fun. And it was just really great to go down there and see everybody.

And it was all really great to go down there and see everybody. And it was all thanks to our patrons. I also want to thank Steven and Luke for their PayPal donations. They gave one-time donations. We want to thank them for that as well. Absolutely. Thank you very much. We got a message. This is from Tony.

And Tony sent us a picture of what they put inside the program that has a list for cognitive dissonance. And for the listing, it says, for cognitive dissonance, because they list a bunch of different other ones, and it says, for cognitive dissonance, a foul-mouthed podcast that leaves nisters confused and unable to think clearly or consistently. That's terrific. That's awesome. That is great shit. So we'll post a picture of that on this episode's show notes.

For this episode, it's 2-23. We want to thank, you know, we're going to send a shirt to, a couple shirts to Alfredo, actually a hoodie and a shirt to Alfredo. But we want to thank him specifically for being awesome. Alfredo came through. It looks like our website is fixed at this point. Alfredo went through and sort of cleaned everything up and filled around with it and made sure everything worked right. Did some checking and whatnot.

But he was great, and he was on the spot, and he was awesome. So we want to thank Alfredo for all the help. You're an awesome dude, and we hope that you enjoy the hoodie. It was so nice of you to help us out, man. We really are grateful for it, so at least we can do. On this episode's show notes, you're going to find a link to a petition. And this petition, it says, you two inspire me to do ridiculous and useless things. That said, I have a request for you guys.

Could you please support my petition to change the Pledge of Allegiance in Texas to Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA? That's amazing. That's awesome. And so we're going to post the USA. That's amazing. That's awesome. And so we're going to post a link. We think everybody should go and fill this petition out. There's only a couple people right now, but go ahead and fill it out. Again, like I said, it's episode 223, so you can check it out. Also, I wanted to post another image.

This image is of the eye body. I'm not going to do much with this, but I definitely want to post it for this episode. So go check out what the eye body looks like, according to Kiernan. This is Paul. He said, I heard, please send us Pokemon hentai. And he sent us a video, but I don't think he thought this one through. Yeah, no, I don't think so either. He was trying to Rick roll us, but it dropped the YouTube preview, so it's clearly a Rick Roll.

Yeah, and the thing is, you weren't going to Rick Roll me anyway, because I wasn't going to watch this. I know. I want you to read this one, Tom. This one is just titled Harry Potter, and it's from Oscar. It says Dumbledore wasn in love with a dude. Lots of people suspected it, and Rowling confirmed it. I read the books. There's nothing about that in the books.

All I'm saying is. Oh, my God. Listen to me from there. Hang on. Guys, listen to me from there. Hang on. Guys, guys, guys, guys. If it's not the goddamn books... Hold on now. So when the elves leave to go to the 9th and 11th floor or whatever...

Jesus Christ! to the 9 and 11th floor or whatever. Jesus Christ! We're talking about the goddamn elves don't even take the goddamn Hogwarts Express. The fucking... What would it help you on the goddamn train? They can operate! Oh, God.

What's funny is I'm normally the dork between the two of us, but this is your chance to play the dork. It's awesome. It's great. It's awesome. We's great it's awesome we get a message this is from this is from jason and jason wants us to read this now here he is trying to tell us how pokemon can turn your kids gay and he put in a bunch of

different names that i if i tried to read i would not be able to do it, but Tom, I'm relying on you. That's a bad call. My story may sound a bit far-fetched, but I just may have an idea about how Pokemon makes our kids gay. See, when an Adreno and an Adreno get together for some beers, one will eventually become drowsy. This is when he gets a giant Kakuna stuffed in his poop-a-tar. After a rapid dash of inward and outward movement by the perp, he will pull out and squirtle his vandalish matang in the meowth of his partner, forever labeling him as a Nidqueen. When this happens to Nidorinas,

it usually involves a Skizor of some sort, but from what I'm told, it starts with the use of a vibrava and finishes with a little licking action. Licking is the name of a Pokemon. I guess. That's awesome. Man, I'll tell you what,

I love it to give it to people in the Poopitar. I'm a huge fan. Huge fan. That was very amusing. That's very funny. Thank you, Jason. So, Tom, another Harry Potter message. I'm going to read this one.

It says, Sirs. I think he misaddressed it. so tom another harry potter message um i'm going to read this one it says sirs and i think he misaddressed it harry potter technically does have a horror crux when his parents were killed by lord i can't even believe i'm reading this aloud his parents were killed by lord voldemort part of voldemort's soul was put into Harry. I know this because I finished the last book today and this, and this episode was released. Uh, the Lord truly works in mysterious ways. So Tom,

I think you were wrong about the horcrux. Dang it. Chris. Harry Potter doesn't have a horcrux. He fucking is the goddamn whore truck. What the... What the fucking book are you getting? God damn you... So I never saw...

I don't know how it ends. Like, all I saw was the last... The last movie I saw was, like... I think, like, Snape kills Dumbledore or something. And then, like, I stopped watching it it and that was the last one I saw. And I like to think that Snape kills everyone. That's what I like to think. That's how it ends.

He just goes on like a fucking wild fucking wand rampage and just lays everybody down. And that's the end of it. And then at the end, I think Harry Potter comes back as like a Jesus figure. That's what I think. He dies and comes back. He's got to go. No, that couldn't possibly be that's probably exactly what happens because he's like a jesus figure oh and it's so fucking stupid and predictable

shut your hard mouth god we're gonna get so much mail now that's stupid you're gonna fucking hyperventilate they're gonna be spitting their fucking tricks all over their I know. That's stupid. I know. They're going to be like, oh, my God. They're going to fucking hyperventilate. They're going to be spitting their fucking tricks all over their screen as they're trying to fucking type this out. Outrageous. It's okay. I like dorky things, too. I just don't like Harry Potter.

That's just not your dorky thing. That was just one dorky thing I don't like. We got a message from Micah. Tom, this is about the horny toad. This is on your most recent episode, you officially went too far in Mocking Texas. No, we didn't. No, that's actually not even possible to do. You cannot go too far, Mocking Texas. We give you so much good material to put through the meat grinder of comedy, but you just had to take it too far.

While I have no problem with laughing at Texas Christian University, which is sadly held in high esteem within the state, the Texas horned lizard is totally innocent in this. Colloquially known, colloquially colloquially Jesus! Colloquially I can't now!

Locally known as the horny toad, horned frog, and the various iterations thereof, this threatened species is actually the official reptile of Texas. Furthermore, it is perhaps the most metal reptile as well, given that its primary defensive behavior is to squirt blood out of its eyes up to a range of five feet. Additionally, it is covered in bony horns and looks like some kind of reptile from hell. Oh, God. And he sends a picture of it.

Here's the thing, though. Are you fucking Texans so stupid that you don't know the fucking difference between a lizard and a frog? You just... It's like lizard, frog. Why don't you just call it the fucking horny squirrel? You know, like on a tail, right?

You can't differentiate one fucking animal from another. Like, it's colloquially known as whatever the fuck we call it. Because we're so fucking stupid down here in Texas, we don't know the fucking difference between animals. What are you going to call it? It's the horned armadillo. I don't fucking know. It's the horned buffalo. It's either a horned reptile or grandma we can't

even fucking tell that's oh man outrageous why would you call it a horny toad a horned frog but it's actually not a toad it's not a frog it's a fucking lizard it's a fucking stupid fucking thing to say you're all stupid texas i will say that that blood coming out of the eyes is not it's not uncommon that happens every time i take my clothes off around someone else the blood just shoots out of their eyes up to five feet so it's not really that i consider that foreplay yeah someone asks uh paul asks if we're gonna be uh doing a fundraiser for nepal we're not gonna be doing a fundraiser particularly for nepal we're going to be doing a fundraiser for Nepal. We're not going to be doing a fundraiser particularly for Nepal. We're actually going to be doing a fundraiser hopefully in the next month.

We had already committed to. So we would suggest if you're going to give money, give it to Doctors Without Borders. They're a great organization. I'm sure they're boots on the ground in Nepal right now. There's also plenty of other great organizations that you can give to. The Red Cross is another great organization. But I would go with Doctors Without Borders, Paul. So if you're looking to donate for Nepal,

that would be where I would go. I got a message from Rose. Rose went through a lot of trouble trying to calculate when our last episode would be, Tom. Yeah, so we decided our last episode is going to be episode 666 um and and and we're good we have the right to change that if we although i i highly doubt we're gonna get to 666 yeah well that comes up i guess you know it turns out that that'll be monday the 4th of january 2021 i cannot imagine that i won't be killed before. I would imagine that podcasts won't even be a thing.

Like, we're going to be, like, fucking streaming in each other's brains and flying in cars. There's no way. You're crazy, dude. There's going to be a fucking apocalypse. It's going to be fucking raining, you know, radioactive ash. We're all going to be eating baby soup. Got a message from Colton. He says, I have the perfect huckster imam name and this is last

week when we were coming up names and tom's like fucking father make rapes a lot for the fucking priest and i said something like fucking uh amir burns his bride but he said no it's better you can have you could have had suck my dick that's pretty funny and it's spelled s-u-q-M-A-D-I-Q. That's fucking perfect. I thought it was amazing. That's pretty great. We got a message from Phil. And Phil said, I just heard 221 and the bit within about Detroit SWAT refusing to advance into a no-go zone. And I think I have some answers for you.

I should clear the air and begin with Dearborn. Dearborn is part of central Detroit. But I'm sure hundreds of articulate and reasonable Detroit residents have sorted you out on this already. We looked it up. It's not part of Detroit. Yeah, it's part of the Detroit metro area, but it is a different city. And jurisdictions typically lie within a city. So I can't – if I'm a Chicago cop, I can't go to Oak Park, which is part of the Chicago metro area, for example, but is a suburb of Chicago.

I can't go arrest people in Oak Park just because I'm like locally around. You only have jurisdiction within a very specific area. You're just like driving around in your SWAT just looking for trouble. I just thought I'd arrest you. And I know we're going to get fucking emails from somebody like, well, actually, you could in these circumstances. All right. I get it. But jurisdiction typically only extends to certain areas, state, county or city, depending on what organization you work for within a policing unit.

But thanks for the email. We appreciate it. I think we're wrong. You're just wrong. We got a message from Sandra. And Sandra says, so I discovered your podcast and I was listening to episode 190-uh. And basically we're talking about the South and says, speaking of which, and it says here in y'all, although she got the apostrophe right on the y'all. Yeah, she put the apostrophe in the right spot.

Correct spot. Fucking bravo on that one. Y'all said there's only one tooth in the whole state of Tennessee, and I'll have you fuckers know that we have more than one tooth, and we take pride in our excellent dental health. There are, in fact, three teeth in Tennessee, and that's where we get the three goddamn stars of our flag. And I looked, and you're absolutely right. And that's why Texas is called the Lone Star State.

What? They only have the one tooth? Because there's just one tooth i'm gonna tell you this this tennessee flag looks vaguely racist and i don't know why i'm just saying you know i'm surprised there isn't like a black man being lynched on it tom we got a message from dave and dave is asking about how to explain death to a child yeah so i don't want to read dave Dave's whole email on the air because it contains some kind of private or semi-private information. But, you know, that's the gist of it. How do you explain death to a child to somebody who's not a believer?

And, man, I don't have real good answers for you. I wish I did. I think he's got a five-year-old, and I think here's how you do it. You do it frequently. I've got an eight-year-old, and we've been talking about death for a very long time. He's really interested in notions of death and what happens when we die. And I think one thing that I try to do is not to correct him at all. You know, he's formulating his own ideas.

And so I just ask him a lot of questions about, you know, he's interested right now in the Greek mythologies and the Greek myths because he's reading these lightning thief books or whatever. And so we talk a lot about that sort of stuff. And he wants to know when you die, maybe you go to Hades. Well, maybe, but I mean, what do you think? Why would we go there? How would you know it was there? How would you know it wasn't there? You know, how would you know that was there and not something else? And so we just, we just talk about it. Um, I don't think you can do much else with a, with a kid that's, um, you know, in that stage in their life where they're four or five, six, seven, eight, 10. Um, you know, you're not going to come to answers. And I think you're going to have an ongoing evolving conversation. There's never going to be, yeah, man, fucking nailed it.

Talk to my five-year-old about death and now we're done. Yeah, absolutely.'s never going to be yeah man fucking nailed it talk to my five year old about death yeah and now we're done yeah absolutely it's going to be an ongoing conversation for sure got a message tom from steve and this is outstanding yeah so steve says he's a music professor and a professional musician with 30 years of experience he has all of the degrees and diplomas including a doctorate that say I can be trusted to give an expert opinion on music. I've noticed your disdain for particular patriotic composition by noted Americana artists.

And he would like to offer his expert opinion on that particular anthem. It makes me want to eat my own kidneys and vomit them into my asshole. I hope that that helps with your research. Oh, that's amazing. That was great, Steve. When I read that, I laughed out loud. It was great. That's tremendous.

Tremendous. Thank you. So that wraps it up for this episode. I want to say it was fun, but none of it was fun. No, well, I mean, you were talking to me. We're going to be back with two episodes next week. We're going to have a midweek show, and then we'll have another full episode next week. And we're going to leave you, like we always do, with the Skeptic's Creed.

Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Late night infodocutainment. Leo Pisces. Cancer cures. Detox.

Reflex. Foot massage. Death in towers. Tarot cards. Psychic healing. Crystal balls. Bigfoot. Yeti.

Aliens. Churches. Mosques and synagogues. Temples. Dragons. Giant worms. Atlantis. Dolphins.

Truthers. Birthers. Witches. Wizards. Vaccine nuts. Shaman healers. Evangelists. Conspiracy. Double speak stigmata, nonsense.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local Dairy Council. Outro Music