Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 224: Speaking of Chlamydia

Episode Date: May 7, 2015

   

Want to stream Cognitive Dissonance to your Android or iPhone? Buy the app! Go to DissonancePod.com and click on the link on the right-hand side of the page. Each purchase helps support the show. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago. We'll see you next time. topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 224 of Cognitive Dissonance.

And I know that because Cecil fixed all of the notes that I was a day and a half late putting up. And that you didn't tweet out either. But I reserve the right to do it. Hang either but i i reserve the right to do it hang on a minute reserve the right to do it i reserve the right to tweet these i'm the guy who has to reserve the right to do the shit we get paid for yeah you're but no but i like how naturally you answer that right but yeah and but we split the money have you god oh i'm calling judge judy yeah well she would fucking find immediately for you that's not good god has no place within these walls just like facts have no place with an organized religion

sister it comes from msnbc texas republicans denounce pre-k as a godless environment oh man this is rough so president obama called for universal pre-k um because you know more education probably good you know that's like a thing like let's get him in school earlier. Yeah. But, you know, the great state of Texas don't want to be told what to do by no president. Pew, pew, pew. They described the pre-K initiative as socialist.

Ain't no kids go to school with the animal. Oh, man. Socialist and keeping children in a godless environment. Oh, hey, here's the fucking newsflash, people. Every school is a godless environment. That's called fucking separation of church and state. But, you know, I think that there's a vocal. I don't even know if I want to say majority or minority here, a vocal group in Texas,

I can't decide if they're in the majority or minority, that would support totally defunding public school. Just no schools at all. Oh, yeah. Just fucking no schools. We don't need education. Right. The state shouldn't be involved in educating children.

That should be left up to the parents to educate children which they won't do because they don't have the money to do it or the time or the expertise yeah you know or literally any of the things that take yeah wait hang on or the building of the books the materials yeah no you're right i think you're dead fucking right It's almost like teaching is a goddamn profession. Here comes all the emailers from fucking homeschool. I know. Can you imagine, though, like if we were just like, oh, we're going to do home architecture and build buildings based off of just people who think this is what buildings should look like? Home bridge engineering. Right.

home bridge engineering. Right. It'd be like all the bridges are that 11 foot 6 bridge. No, all the bridges are that one from California that's fucking all wobbly and breaks. You always see the fucking... That wavy bridge video. Yeah, the one that's like a fucking trampoline. I love that video. I love that video because you see that dude like in the beginning

of the video running from the bridge like what the fuck's happening to this bridge well i love it because like motherfuckers left their cars i know like i know i know the bridge starts doing there i leave my fucking wife and children out there i don't give a shit it's fucking ridiculous like a nuclear war break every Fucking every baby for themselves. Oh, it's amazing. You know, I mean, the complaint here is that, you know, they take these kids, these preschool kids, and quote, we are experimenting at great cost to taxpayers with a program that removes our young children from homes and half-day religious preschools and Mother's Day out

programs. Yeah, no, no, no. Go back to that half-day religious preschools because that's the fucking real point. That's exactly it. And it moves them to a godless environment with only evidence showing absolutely no long term benefits beyond the first grade. But maybe what we're missing, Cecil, is half day religious studies. That's the thing is, you know, those fucking religious programs are cash cow because what

do you have? You have a place already, right? It's not like you fucking have to do anything with it. You already got your church and it's like little Sunday school area, right? So you probably don't have to do much. You don't have to do a lot. If you got a kitchen in there and you got all the sort of necessary things you need, you've already got the space.

You've got people who are able to come in and be half qualified to do this work. So they're not going to be demanding the kind of salary that a real child care worker can demand. So they're going to be demanding a much less salary. You're going to be able to pocket that money. You're going to charge a less than a normal daycare so that you could get the business, but you're going to be pocketing some of that money too and it's tax-free yeah you know and and the thing is too that this is a fucking thumb in the eye to working class people who could benefit i mean can

you the the financial benefit to being able to enroll your children in a day of pre-K is, I mean, you got to understand, I mean, at least where I live, if I send my kid to a paid preschool, which is what I had to do because there was no paid pre-K or no public pre-K where I live. So when I sent my kid, we paid about $900 a month and we got off pretty easy at 900 bucks a month. Talking to some other parents just the other day they were paying as paying as much as 1200 a month to send their kids to a pre-k program this is not like some like super elitist like you know mini harvard this is just like a sorry school

or something this is just like the local place where like the kids spread their boogers on each other you know what i mean like it's just but like it's like i can count to blocks like okay great that's awesome you know so but like and like okay fine so i can absorb that cost but a lot of people like like working class people they can't absorb these costs right right and so they don't and so it's not a choice between sending your kids to you know these other programs of your choice it's a kid it's a choice of for many parents most parents no program or this program yeah and this program is so much better than no fucking program at all it's like saying like well you know the government wants to give everybody free peanut butter and jelly it's like well that well you know the government wants to give everybody free peanut

butter and jelly it's like well that'll take lobster out of the mouth of rich kids well like maybe i guess in some weird yeah you know but maybe we should worry about the kids that aren't eating lobster you know like what about the kids that don't have a food the kids in this in this scenario when he's saying he wants to do universal the president calls for universal pre-k he's saying that the government's going to pick this tab up right right if this does go through they're going to probably try to put in the voucher system well that's true yeah right then they could get a voucher they can voucher to the religious schools. Voucher it so that the kids at the religious schools would get state money based on this. Because that's the only way that something like this would pass there.

Because these fucking churches are going to lose too much money because of that religious school. There's no way. There's no way they're going to let those kids go. That's too much of a cash cow for these people to let go and they're the voting block in fucking texas is going to decide and if you start you know you go basically you fucking you start going up against the church in texas yeah right yeah good luck with that i hope you're as committed to safe sex as you are those abs i know you're all about that abstinence thing, you know, but I mean, come on.

Be Palin, are you serious? Like, you're not going to hook up with, like, before you marry? For real? For real. For real, for real? For real, for real, for real. Fucking Texas is fucking ridiculous. I mean, for fuck's sake.

Like, hold on a second. Because before we even fucking move on. Right. Like, this is a state known for what? Like, known for being large. A bunch of people died in a building unsuccessfully defending it. An armadillo roadkill. What the fuck else do you have?

And chili without beans. That's fucking. Now, that's some fucking un-American shit. That's fucking ridiculous is what that is. That is outrageous. That, you might as well fucking just bleed fucking communist red. You don't put fucking beans in your chili. You're awful.

You're an awful person and your fucking offspring will be awful. Your parents were most likely awful. That is I just I'm trying to think of anything of anything that's ever drawn me to Texas. I went to I went on vacation actually to san antonio and the whole thing broke down when you're flying over and the plane broke down is that how you you know the reason that i went is because my son wanted to go to seaworld and i won't go to orlando florida because that i mean like as much as i'm bagging on texas sure yeah orlando florida is seriously the fucking inner rectum of America. That is a fucking garish neon wasteland.

I would rather fucking carve my fucking eyes out and fucking shoot him out of a fucking paintball gun into my own dick. Yeah. You don't have to go to Orlando, Florida. Orlando is fucking Vegas for kids. It is. That's all it is. It is. What happens at the fucking pool in Orlando stays at the pool. I know what happens in the pool. Orlando, some fucking kids shits in it and all the kids. It is. That's all it is. It is. What happens at the fucking pool in Orlando stays at the pool in Orlando.

Well, I know what happens in the pool in Orlando. Some fucking kid shits in it and all the kids piss in it. That's what happens in the fucking, that's not even a pool. It's a fucking wastewater treatment facility. It's disgusting. Now, back to Texas. We went to fucking San Antonio because we had heard like, oh, it's a cool place for families and it's got a fucking sea world.

So I fucking dragged my family to fucking San Antonio. You know what they have? Like the big fucking claim to fame. And I'm fucking not even kidding. The fucking claim to fame is that they have a river and they built some restaurants near it. What? They call it the fucking Riverwalk. You know what it is? It's a river by which you can walk.

And there's some fucking restaurants that is the main fucking attraction of goddamn san antonio you know you live in a fucking desolate meaningless wasteland of fucking and we and boy when the fucking claim to fame is a water that moves through your fucking parched wasteland it's true because you know you don't want to go see in dallas the the tumbleweed exhibit that's a terrible it's terrible like the world's largest tumbleweed is the worst thing to see we went to the fucking heritage they had a fucking heritage center went to the fucking heritage center and they just had like they had like a thing where like the native people were, fucking scratching out their fucking subsistence living in the goddamn dirt.

And it was like, oh, look, this is what our native people had to do. And I was like, fucking why didn't they just fucking kill themselves? That's horrible. So, anyway, speaking of chlamydia. Yeah, so speaking of chlamydia. Texas strikes again. Chlamydia outbreak hits nearly 10% of small Texas school in district with no sex ed policy. Not even an abstinence policy.

Just none. Yeah. What's our sex ed policy? None. No, let's see how that works. No, in 2012, the district's school health advisory committee had recommended Scott and White's worth the weight abstinence plus curriculum if a sexual education policy was adopted. So, I mean, they were looking at getting something in there. Yeah, they had. Well, they got something in there. All right.

What they got in there. Yeah, they had, well, they got something in there all right. What they got in there was some fucking. You need to use a bottle brush to get it out of there. Is it supposed to drip like this? You don't even know because you never had sex ed. It says it's called worth the wait. And I got to be honest, man. If the choice is chlamydia or waiting i might wait you know because like the other alternative is just don't wait but put a bag on it yeah oh worth the dollar you know like yeah i was wondering because i thought that this was

an abstinence only school and i was wondering to myself, I was like, how did they create a brand new strain of chlamydia that you can only get by non-sexual contact? Because clearly nobody's having sex down there, right? Well, it's not even just chlamydia because the Dallas County Health and Human Services records show that syphilis diagnosis increased 31% between 2012 and 2013. And the South had eight of the 11 states with the highest rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis. Oh. So fucking nailed it. It's because of the climate. There you go.

It's a fucking dry chlamydia. That shit. climate so there you go it's a it's a fucking dry chlamydia that's it's not so bad the humidity's not bad it's a moist heat that's the problem it's ridiculous and it's this isn't even like this isn't even like a district-wide thing because texas state law requires any sex ed course to devour. Mo to devour. Devour. Devour. Wait a second.

Devour. Hold on a second. What exactly is a devour? It's a it's an aborted devote. Devote abortion. I don't know. You can't you can't abort anyway in Texas. And listen, fucking give the fetus a hug or whatever.

You got it. You got to sing. Happy birthday to. You have to sing happy birthday to it. You have to have a cake party for it. The doctors make you like, the doctors make you see it on the ultrasound and then name it. You have to take it to Disney World. And buy it a puppy. Oh, God. And get like its picture taken with Mickey Mouse.

And then just have like billboards like, would you abort this puppy? That fucking puppy's not even involved. You know, if you're going to abort, you have to buy it. First, you have to buy the puppy. Then you have to kill the puppy in front of it. You know, there's too many coincidences in this. Yeah. What's his secret service code name?

Renegade. Renegade. Renegade, which is the man of sin, you know. And then there's always the photos that you see everywhere with the flies landing on his face, you know. I can show you in the codes where he's got a strong connection to the Lord of the Flies, Beelzebub. Well, I call him Beelzebub. Because he had those flies stuck to his lip. So this story comes from Right Wing Watch.

Rick Wiles has spent altogether too much time thinking about Obama's penis. Because I think the amount of time that we should spend thinking about Obama's penis is like no time. I don't know. It never even occurred to me rick wiles furious with uncircumcised philistine obama right for making a joke about michelle obachman um so that's gonna be obachman forever um so you know the white house correspondence dinner um you know obama took some shots. And he was actually very funny. He, like, made jokes about Michelle Bachman's end times shenanigans.

Do you want to hear it? Because he actually plays it. So this is Rick Wiles. Yeah, let's do it. Talking about President Obama's long, throb, subservient lapdog news reporters gathered at the White House for the annual correspondence dinner. This is the event where Mr. Obama and the news reporters gather to applaud each other. During Mr. Obama's speech, he belittled former Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, who recently warned that Mr. Obama's foolish appeasement of Iran could lead to World War Three.

Listen to Mr. Obama mock Congresswoman Bachmann's dire warning. Leave it to a guy who thinks fucking hell is real to not know what a roast is. I know. Right. Like this is. And I love, too, that it's like, this is where Obama and his reporter lapdogs get together. It's like, everybody does it. Yeah. Bush did it. It's not a new thing.

It's not just an Obama thing. Right. I know. You do understand that. Yeah. It's like a tradition that they go through this and they roast each other. Yeah. And there's a thing with jokes.

Yeah. You know, where they're meant to be funny. Yeah. And not necessarily serious this guy it's funny because he can't he can't divorce the two he's just like oh he's fucking for real yeah right and it's like how dare you make fun of our end times prophecies what do you think we are a bunch of lunatics yeah. That's what everyone thinks you are. Like, nobody's taking you seriously. You are tinfoil hat people. Fucking A, man.

And mock biblical last days prophecies. Just this week, Michelle Bachman actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days. Listen to that entire audience laughing at that. I know, because it's absurd. Because it's so fucking absurd that the entire audience is laughing at it. Now, that's a legacy. That's a great joke. That's big.

I mean, Lincoln, Washington, they didn't do that. That's a great choice. He's killing it. I know. I realize most American pastors and evangelists are afraid to denounce the uncircumcised Philistine in the White House. But I'm not afraid of him. What? Where do you even start with that with that does he really think that evangelists and pastors

have been nervous to criticize obama over the last seven years yeah because of his uncircumcised penis right yeah it would be awesome if fucking you know just if obama got on rick weiles' show and just thumped him right in the head with his fucking dick. Just pulls out his little hooded penis and smacks him with it. Just he's like right on Rick Wiles' head. It would be the greatest. I mean, it would just be. Now, that's a legacy i'll read to mr obama some scriptures from the holy bible that he so often mocks sennacherib was an evil king

well hold on mr obama have you read this passage from Snack-O-Rab? Wait a minute. Hang on a minute. Have you considered the gospel of Snack-Tray? Snack-O-Rab? I love the names that they use. It's like fucking, my name is Ula from my door. And I will fucking fight you from the coast of Gundark, you know?

It's fucking awesome. The names are so ancient it's amazing how could anybody take a book this asinine still seriously thousands of years after it's writing thousands of years man it's like we fucking you know you remember when you were like a freshman in high school english and you had to read like Romeo and Juliet and you're like, Oh, this book is so old. Yeah. Right. It's like,

and it is pretty old. Like as old things go, it's like pretty old. And then like later, maybe you had to read like, you know, something that was like actually old, you know,

like some Beowulf or something, you know, but then you read a translation. It didn't even count. And now you read the fucking bible and you're like wait a minute wait a minute if that shit was old and felt irrelevant and it was like only one-fifth is old isn't it maybe only one-fifth is irrelevant like this is so ridiculous i'll tell you hang on a minute let me read from snack train i'll tell you what man if minute let me read from snack tray i'll tell you what man if i had a fucking death metal band i would call it sennacherib sennacherib

would be an awesome name we'd fucking open for sepultura just as barack obama is an evil president sennacherib led the people into sin against god just as obama is leading people into sin against God, just as Obama is leading people into sin against God. That's amazing. Wow. The fucking, the connections between those two. Man, he nailed it. All you have to do is just say them, right? Just like Obama is an evil, uncircumcised Philistine like Snack Tray is an evil, uncircumcised

Philistine. Who fucking cares? I love that he's like, I'll read this shit to Obama. Obama's not listening to Rick Wiles. No. Obama doesn't give a flying fuck what Rick Wiles says. Ever. Not ever one time.

It's like Rick Wiles isn't listening to this show. Hi, Rick. You're not listening to this show, man. Fucking Obama's not listening to this show. Obama's not listening to your show obama's not listening to your show you're not talking to obama obama's not saying up nights like turning to fucking his wife like oh what do i do i don't think rick wiles is my bff i think i'm gonna go get a circumcision maybe i shouldn't lead people into evil i'm feeling a lot of pressure from the crazy right

wing fucking media to get a circumcision what do you think honey do this guy seriously though obama couldn't do fucking anything no there's nothing he could do that would make these people happy other than just to wake up and not be a black man well and exactly well and and you've run out of things to criticize him for if you're like oh he was fucking completely disrespectful during a fucking celebrity roast says it must be male and female it must be opposite of one another everything in the universe testifies against the sodomites and against the sodomite gospel and against the sodomite bible here comes texas again texas senate testimony it's a hate crime Here comes Texas again. Texas Senate testimony. It's a hate crime to make people not discriminate against gays. Fucking what?

Hold on now, because there's video of this. I'm going to play the audio for it. Here's the guy that comes in and says this. This is at a Senate hearing. They just let this guy talk. I don't know. I guess he just grabbed the microphone. All right.

John, is it Torres? My name is John Torres, and I'm here to represent my church. We all have forgotten that our fathers gave us the rights to religion. And it's like that lady was saying a while ago, I live a common life. I live a common life because I don't believe in it. I don't discriminate against nobody. I'm glad they let the fucking janitor come in and fucking talk at the, what is it, open mic night at the Capitol? What the fuck is happening here?

Our fathers gave us? Like, hey, Dad, can I have America? Yeah, okay. You can have some America. Thanks, Dad. I love that you can't even get to the point of like 25 seconds in already. And what's this like, I live a common life? Is that supposed to impress me?

Like, I live a common life. I'm not one of you ivory tower high school graduates. I'm not one of these highfalutin fast talkers. I'm not one of you thought thinkers and book readers. I live a common life. Scratching out my living in a fucking dirt hovel in Texas. Mud hole. So why we need Jaws to protect us

because... We need Jaws to protect us? We do need Jaws. Won't somebody protect us? Where's our hero Jaws? He comes in with a cape on and a big J on his chest. He puts his fucking fins on his hip.

He dies like 40 seconds later. He can't breathe. The bailiff shoves a fucking fire extinguisher in his mouth and shoots it. That's it. I have never stand up for something. But I think it's time that all the people start standing up for the bees that have in my belief and a bunch of us is he drunk is this guy drunk or does he have a fucking 62 iq what is happening here hey i'll stand for

what he's out of my dad when he'd be drunk. And he's like fucking, he's not saying anything. He's like, I want to go in the other room. I'm telling you about being a little boy. You sit down and listen to my boy stories about fighting with bats. Now you sit down there and you're going to listen to me. Because I'm going to make you listen. Are you sleeping, Dad? No, I'm not sleeping.

I don't want to sleep and stuff. I'm gonna talk. I'm just a common individual. Oh, my God. Pronounce each word. This guy's outstanding. As I believe, there is one woman and one man.

Bible was clear when it said that. Doesn't say it. Doesn't say it. Just saying. Doesn't say it. I don't know. Fucking I wouldn't care either. Wouldn't matter to me if the fucking, I don't care if it's fucking, you know, the only way

I'll believe it is if they fucking dig out a mountain and it's fucking set in there. Right. Like fucking God carved it under fucking the Himalayas or something. I mean, I agree. It wouldn't make any fucking difference if it said it, but it doesn't say it. And I think that we need to, we need to, we need. What do we need to do? What do we need to do today, Junior we need to do? Today, Junior.

Y'all just stand up for us. What, did he eat the mic? Because they... It's a hate crime. And it's a hate crime, not a law. Yes. I think we need y'all to stand up for the little guys. The very little guys.

You are our big brothers. Stand up for the little guys. The very little guys. You are our big brothers. Stand up for what's right. And that is our belief in religion. And that's all I got to say. Thank you. What the fuck? Did you let that guy talk? The whole time he's talking,

they're probably just like, can we kill the mic? Can we get rid of get rid of this is there anything we can rid of fucking drunky mcgee over here i love that he's there to testify on behalf of his church he's so he's there like that's what he went there he's so they're like yeah well we got to send a representative let's find the fucking clearest speaker we can find. Is that who you would send? So you're a church full of people and you're like, oh, man, we are a hate-filled church in Texas. So let's send.

They send the guy with the most heart. He's like the Rudy of their church. It's a fucking speech impediment McGee over here. Let's make sure that if you're going to send somebody to represent your fucking church in front of the Texas Senate. Well, it's not like that's an esteemed body, but still in front of the Texas Senate. They probably understand us that I'm just fine. So, right. Yeah, they're probably they're not even fucking listening. Anyways, Brown, of the Texas Senate. They probably understand us that I'm just fine. Right. Yeah, they're probably.

They're not even fucking listening anyways, Brown. They don't care. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to Dissonance.Podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Do you want to support the show? Go to patreon.com. That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n.com forward slash DissonancePod. Or click the link on the podcast homepage, and you can donate to the production of Cognitive Dissonance on a per-episode basis. If you can't spare any money,

take a second to give us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher, or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. So the story's people who rate us. You fucking rock. So, stories from the Daily Mail. Bomb strapped to a 10-year-old girl explodes in a busy market in Nigeria, killing 20 and injuring 18. Bomb warrant.

Why are you laughing? Hold on. No. I want to draw your attention to the third bullet point. Oh, God. Oh, God. All right. I'm going to read this. What is the third bullet point oh god oh god all right bullet point these are the bullet points thanks to daily mail good daily mail really what the fuck daily this is like this is the fucking national inquirer of news oh god jesus so here's the bullet points bomb worn by a female suicide bomber aged aged 10, exploded in busy market.

How did they know she was 10? Did they count the rings? Oh, no. That's awful. Oh, God. Oh, God. I can't believe I said that. They found her My Little Pony embedded in a fucking stall 300 yards away.

That's horrible. How do you blow yourself up before all your adult teeth are in? I know. I'm like, can't you just wait until you get all your forever chompers before you fucking blow yourself up? Oh, you never look a suicide bomber in the mouth. Don't look like one of those. Oh, no. Hold on now.

Explosion killed at least 20 people and left 18 in serious industries. Injuries. Industries. Industries. Serious industries. I need more bourbon. Hold on a second. Let me take another sip.

And my favorite is the third one. God. Blast split the young girl in two and flung one part across the road. Jesus. Why is that in here? You know, what I want to say about this, I don't have a lot to say about it, but what I want to say is like, the first thing is, is like the way they talk about it, especially at the bottom, they're talking about the, you know, the same month a 10 year old girl was found in this other place wearing a suicide vest, prompting fears that young girls are being forced into becoming human bombs rather than through ideological motivation. And it's also says that like another one was arrested at 13 with extra explosives and told the journalists that her parents volunteered her to take

part in a suicide attack. So it's like, it's not, you know, clearly one, this girl can't consent to fucking killing herself yet. Right. She has no idea what that even means,

even if she did, which it may be that they're not even consenting. Like that, even if they can't do it, they're they're not even consenting, like that, even if they can't do it, they're still not agreeing to it. They're just doing it. Right. And the one thing I want to say about this is like, you know, the argument against this,

what somebody would say is, well, this is, you know, this is a cultural thing. Is it a cultural thing to blow yourself up in Nigeria? Or did that just start to recently happen? Because if it started to recently happen, then maybe the culture is influenced by the religion there. Huh. Yeah. Almost. I mean, I tried to look them up today and I didn't find any like older ones.

But I mean, I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I missed it. But I didn't see any that were like 20 years old. It's not like they've been doing this for 20 years. there's no way there's no way this happens you in either direction right so it cannot happen it simply cannot happen without religious influence it can't it can't there's nothing cultural about this how do you send your child how do you say how do you send your child – how do you say – how do you either convince a fucking fifth grader that they should strap a bomb to their chest and blow it up in a fucking crowded marketplace? Are you more explosive than a fifth grader?

Oh, no. No, man. I've got a fucking lot of explosive dampening materials. Right. Yeah. No kidding. Yeah. Although kidding. Yeah. Although I think I could carry the bigger vest.

I will say that if you were in there, the third bullet would be like, it kind of bruised him and made him fall. That's what I would say. Boom. The bomb goes off and it's basically not much different than a particularly nasty fart. Yeah. But how could this happen if you don't have if you don't have religion? Because you're not there's nothing.

There is no set of words you can string together in the right order that's going to convince me to strap a bomb to my 10 year old kid. Right. Yeah. There is no like fucking, you know, the Chinese have taken over America. I'd be like, great. I'll fucking learn Mandarin. I'm not strapping bombs seriously like there's nothing that could happen there's fucking literally nothing

nothing in the world could happen i can't imagine a scenario where i'd be like tie a bomb to my kid let's do that that's the solution it can only happen if you think that there's a fucking afterlife and a fucking jihad that's a real thing and all of these other pieces, all of these other pieces are required. They're fucking requisite to either convince the parents to pressure these fucking impressionable fucking children into killing themselves and murdering all of these other people or convincing the kids to do it. themselves and murdering all of these other people or convincing the kids to do it and at the end of the day the kid unless the kid's fucking remote controlled yeah the kid starts to go press the button i can't even understand how any of this works unless you have a religious component yeah there's no political ideology that's going to sway a fifth grade Oh, man. So this is from the Telegraph.

Iran bans devil-worshipping spiky haircuts. So I guess your hair can worship the devil. I think this is just collateral damage. I don't think you can have anything that is either ribbed or spiky in that country. Not even if it's for her pleasure? It's certainly not for her pleasure. So you can't get spiky hairstyles and you can't have tattoos in Iran. According to, this is the best part, the best part, Iran's barber's union.

They've got a barber's union. This begs the question, like, did you know Iran had unions? It begs the question, like, did you know Iran had unions? So, first of all, I had no idea that there was collective bargaining in Iran. I had no idea. I'm amazed by that. And then I'm also amazed that the Barbers Union has the fucking political clout to ban hair. To ban a type of haircut you would think they'd be like yeah that requires more upkeep like we're pro more upkeep and like what good for business and at

what point do we say like okay spiky what is that what does that entail even i mean how you legislate this well you gotta. I think you get the morality police to drive around in their fucking morality mobiles or whatever and check and see if you have spike hair. And if you do, they get to cut off your fingers in that Iranian finger chopper. The choppy.

They cut your hair that way. It's a multi-purpose machine. It's a... Look, they don't make simple machines over there. They make really complex machines. They're big fans of good eats. They don't do unitaskers. It's awesome because, like, fucking your head, when it chops off your hair like that, like, there's one little bald spot at the top and the rest of it's all long and covering your eyes.

Looks great. You look like a fucking medieval monk. It looks great. You look like a fucking medieval monk. So this says, too, like, if you're a barbershop and you deal in devil-worshipping hair, you get your fucking license revoked. Wait, so they – hold on now. So they have barbershops. A couple years ago we read that they, like, banned cucumbers or whatever because you can't have, like, a phallic fruit. Do they have barbel poles over there?

I don't – maybe they have barbel globes because it's less intimidating they have barber barber gashes so in addition to to spiky hair and tattoos right they also they've banned and i'm not fucking kidding. Plucking your eyebrows. So, like, everybody's got to have a fucking giant unibrow. You got to be sporting a fucking Bert and Ernie, like, walking around. And it also says in this Cecil, I don't even know what this is. Solarium treatments. What the hell is that? They will not be tolerated is what it says.

They will not even tolerate them. What the motherfucker is that? They will not be tolerated is what it says. They will not even tolerate them. What the motherfuck is a solarium treatment? I looked it up and nothing even comes up. When you Google solarium treatments, you get sunbeds, equine solarium rehabilitation. I don't even know what that is. And window blind home design. I don't even know what that is. And window blind home design.

This is such a big problem in Iran, but Google doesn't even know what it is. Now, the concern, obviously, is if this isn't bottled up in San Francisco, this kind of nonsense, then it's going to be spreading across the entire fruited plain, and you're going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa, and you're going to have a rainbow-colored wrapper for your Whopper. Five wildest Ben Carson quotes. So, Cecil, we have video, audio for these, so let's just run through some of these. Okay, so the first one is awesome. He says some really great stuff.

This is from Right Wing Watch, as we said earlier. This is Ben Carson. from right wing watch as we said earlier this is uh this is ben carson you know obamacare is really i think the worst thing that has happened in this nation it's the worst thing it's a very worst thing it's worse than pearl harbor it's worse than 9-11. It's worse than the Civil War. Since slavery. And it is in a way, it is slavery in a way. Because... Listen to those people cheering.

That's amazing. That is outrageous. It's slavery and somebody whistled. Like somebody fucking, like cat call whistled at him. Woo, yeah! It's the worst things in slavery i'm telling you i'm surprised i didn't hear a duck call in the audience yeah well you would have i think it just it got bleeped out yeah yeah phil robertson's out there like he's too busy inventing fucking atheists to be murdered and tortured in their homes that's true

so he's got shit to do he's a fucking very important bigot he's the fucking vib because it is making all of us subservient to the government no that's not true yeah no i mean that's yeah really just not true at all well how are we subservient to the government nothing in my life changed like i have health insurance before now i still have health insurance well how am i more subservient to the government it's because they don't understand how it works yeah that make i this is really the problem is that nobody understands how obamacare worked they're just like oh it's fucking single-payer health care system no No. No, it's not. And if it was, I would be even more excited about it. And it was never about health care. It was about control.

And that's why. That's why. No, I think it was kind of explicitly about health care. It's still about health care. What are you talking about control? Who took control of what? Well, no.

I mean, all you've got to do is just say words in the right order. And there's a great fucking family guy where Lois is running for fucking office. And this one guy is saying, he said 9-11 and everybody cheers. And then he said it again or whatever and everybody cheers. And so she just walks up there and all she says throughout her whole speech is just 9-11 and they just cheer and then she says again 9-11 that's it and the thing is like if you get the right fucking all you have to do is just say obama and something bad and you'll fucking get cheers from these people because they don't fucking know any better all they do is hate this guy that's all they do when this administration took office it didn't matter that the country was

going off the cliff economically all forces were directed toward getting this legislation passed okay so what how do you explain the turnaround? Well, that was magic. Right, or it was, you know, it's not. Because the thing is, like, if you confronted this guy, if he said that to you, and you said, okay, but how do you explain that the Dow is, like, higher than it's been for a very long time and unemployment is down and, you know, the gas prices are down and all the economic markers show that, you know, housing prices are going up and that, you know, I mean, like, you just start looking at start looking at all these different rates of foreclosure have bottomed out and are now i mean like there's a time i know you could probably come up with like five or six different pointers that say that this is fucking this the economy's turning around or has turned around but this guy would just be like well that wasn't his fault oh that wasn't his doing what he did was focus on this thing and that just happened fucking organically right yeah he didn't he didn't do anything and i love too that they're like wow the fucking wheels were coming off the bus yeah when your party was in charge yeah for eight years

it's like it's like saying like wow geez you know when fucking when we were the boss fucking company lost all the money and now that you're the boss and you're fixing it we'd like to be the boss again yeah no kidding well you did a fucking horrible job you're literally the reason it broke and why did they want to pass it so badly well as i said the the other night on television vladimir lenin one of the fathers of socialism and communism, said that socialized medicine is the keystone to the establishment of a socialist state. It's very true. Look at all of the fucking European nations that have it. They're all socialist.

Right. Yeah. I mean, they're all 100 percent socialist. None i mean they're all 100 socialist none of them have a capitalist system none of them not a single one of them there isn't a capitalist in europe they'll actually if you say capitalist over there they'll punch you in the face that's true yeah it's true i mean look at we're actually did you know we're the only capitalist nation we are literally the only one that's it because we're the only ones that have this kind of non health care health care right sure you know so also also canada is communist i don't know if on that's it because we're the only ones that have this kind of non-healthcare healthcare right

sure you know so also also canada is communist i don't know if you knew that oh yeah super no there's super commies up in canada yeah it's real crazy just crazy up there you can't do anything free in canada that's why when people get mad they always say i'm moving to canada because that's where that's where canada's canada's like the last resort of freedom for for not free people i just i mean i'm just want to point out canada's flag is red that's all i'm saying fucking red i think in that maple leaf hides a sickle yeah how do you think you cut down that maple leaf all right so this is a little longer this one's a little longer and it's fucking amazing i listened to this earlier and he's being interviewed by a

guy on cnn who's fucking taking it to him not giving him an inch just listen to how this guy i mean i can't even the cognitive dissonance that this guy must be going through to even say the things he says i just can't i cannot fathom it. So just listen to this. This is again, Ben Carson. He's on CNN right now. One issue, same-sex marriage. You have equal protection. It's working its way through the courts. The decisions are getting more and more uniform, but then you have people of faith who say marriage is ours. God says it is a man and a woman. The Bible says, my faith says, which one wins with Dr. Carson? Here's what I would do. I would do what the Constitution says. Constitution says civil issues of that nature should be determined at the state level. Why does it say that? Because

the judicial system at the state level has to answer to the people. What if people of a state vote for a law, 100 to 0, that winds up infringing on the rights of a minority, like happened very often with slavery, like many would argue is happening now with people who are gay? And our Constitution was followed, and we corrected those things. And isn't that what's happening right now with same-sex marriage? It's being corrected as a form of violation of equal protection no you can't just say because it happened that way this time this is the same situation it's not the same situation why not

why not i mean like really are we going there don't just say it's not the same yeah make your case oh and he's gonna make his case which is fucking the fucking old school party line that it's not fucking that you're not born gay. Because people have no control over their race, for instance. You think they have control over their sexuality? Absolutely. You think being gay is a choice? Absolutely. Why do you say that?

Because a lot of people who go into prison go into prison straight. And when they come out, they're gay. What? Did I just hear that right? Yes,. What? Did I just hear that right? Yes, you did. Did I just hear that right? This man wants to be the president of the United... He can't, Cecil.

They go in gay, Tom. They go in straight, and they come out gay. That's why, I don't know if you knew this, but there are a lot of ex-con interior designers out there. They put bars on everything, which is weird. Put some fucking interior designers out there. They put bars on everything, which is weird. They're all tatted up. Like, fucking big.

They're all diesel. From fucking working out in the yard all the time. They have, like, fucking shank marks in their stuff. It'd be awesome if one comes in and is like, well, this pillow looks a little fluffy and he just pulls out like a fucking ragged

piece of metal and stabs it several times. He pulls out like a sharpened toothbrush and just pulls it out of his own ass. I don't know, what was that show like where they used to like, I'll go to your house and decorate it and you go to my house. What was that show called?

It's like fucking Trading Spaces or something. They should have that, but it should be like in prison. Yeah, like Selly's Trade Spaces. Don't take down my Raquel Welch poster. I'm hiding something special back there. The whole thing devolves into a prison riot over Paisley by the end of it. It's like the end scene of Natural Born Killers. Just fucking heads on sticks. there's people being set on fire

so did something happen while they were in there ask yourself that question never go to prison and you know there's a whole theory of dominance wait a minute i said a lot of people who go in come out are you denying that that's true yes, I'll say that that's not true. Yes, I'm denying it. Not true. Yeah. Try again, though. I am not denying that that's true, but I am denying that that's as a basis of understanding homosexuality. If in fact that is the case, then it obviously thwarts what you just said. A lot of people go into jail as a drug addict and they come out as a criminal. Does that mean that all drug addicts are criminals? Here's what's important.

Why do gay people want to get married? Because they want to have various rights. No, they want commitment. Property rights. That's right. Visitation rights. They want their commitment to count just like mine and my wife's. Why can't any two human beings, I don't care what their sexual orientation is,

why can't they have the legal right to do those things? That's what they're fighting for. Okay. That does not require changing the definition of marriage. What? That's exactly what they are trying to get. It totes does, dude. What are you saying? This guy's amazing. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. This story comes from the Malaysia Mail Online. Varsity sells anti-hysteria kit for 9,000, I don't know, fucking malaria money units. Malaria?

Malarian money units? I don't know what their money is. Malasian, not malarian. What is a disease it's well go to malaysia you probably get okay fair enough okay and it's all to fight evil spirits and this is this is tremendous so cecil what is in the anti-hysteria this is very good okay so it's it's a public university is selling the anti-hysteria kit comprising everyday items like chopsticks salt lime vinegar pepper spray and formic acid and basically all you need is tofu and you get thai food i know like that's it's the best yeah the reason why they're selling these particular items tom is, is because in the Quran and Hadith, it is stated that the spirits are unable to tolerate

salty, sour, and spicy items. And I just imagine, like, the Quiznos demon walking up to the car and be like, no sauce, just bread and butter, thanks. No, just straight white bread. My stomach can't handle it. I'll need a Mylanta. Do you want some of our famous Batch 85 sauce?

No! Get back! No! How about banana peppers? Oh, God! What are you trying to do to me? Some fresh Giardiniera on that, sir? It's hot, and I'm from hell.

Somehow, I can't have that. I don't really. I love that demons can't have spicy food. And it's not just spicy. It's like salty and sour foods as well. It is literally Thai food. And the thing is, it's all the flavors except for umami. Well, they can have sweet.

Yeah. Can they have sweet? I guess sweet and umami. So you can have a fucking chocolate-covered steak, I guess. They can have candied mushrooms. It's a brown sugar candied shiitake. It's very good. It's disgusting.

It's delicious. That's outrageous. You know, this is one of my favorite parts. Pour fish sauce on your gummy bears. Oh, God. Yeah, I'll have a half and half that's half orange juice and half soy sauce oh yeah delicious delicious color no they can't have salty so they have to have like the low sodium kind that's worthless that is absolutely worth there's no reason to own fucking low sodium fucking soy sauce.

That's like low sodium salt. It's the worst thing I've ever tasted. I fucking put that shit one time. I'm like, are you kidding me? This is you just made my food brown. Like all you did was make it brown. You didn't do anything to it. It's the worst tasting shit I've ever tasted in my life.

It is a brown. It's like fat free butter. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. My favorite part of this article is this kid took three years

to produce. They had, they had like six guys like hurriedly trying all these different things. Why are there chopsticks in there? Did you read that part? The chopsticks are there to press down the fingers of hysteria victims.

Oh. So like you're freaking out. You're like, I got fucking demons. And somebody's like, quick, press his fingers. I can't. What do I do? I can't find any chopsticks. Just use your fucking press his fingers. I can't find any chopsticks.

Just use your fucking fingers. Why would you need any chopsticks? That's got to be a rough day when you fucking desperately need chopsticks and you can't find them. I would imagine that they probably a lot of people eat food with chopsticks over there. So it wouldn't be that hard to find chopsticks. Yeah, well, that's the thing. It's like you're in Malaysia. You just fucking have chopsticks. i love the pepper spray just what are you doing with that the the items

in the kit though this is this is pretty awesome too so the kit costs a lot of money i guess because he keeps saying it costs like a whopping 8 750 rms money units whatever I have no idea how much money that is over there. I'm going to look it up right now. Oh, okay. But there's some places where you buy something and it's like, it's a million rupees or whatever. That's for a slice of gum. That's crazy. How much was it?

8,700? 8,750. That's a lot of money. 8,750 according to Google right now is is $2,400. Fuck you, really? Yeah. $2,400 for some lime, salt, vinegar, and black pepper? You could go to Ace Hardware, order out Chinese, and Jewel, and get all that stuff for like $17. I mean, maybe they went to Whole Foods to get this.

That's the only reason. The limes are like a thousand dollars a piece. They're like only grown by like fair trade organic farmers and like fucking a tiny little fucking inlet off of fucking some weird little country you never heard of. Each lime is individually named and gently caressed every morning and sung songs to. It's massaged and they only fucking pour beer on the tree. It's like a Colby lime. And it sounds like a lot of money, but it includes training for two on how to use your groceries.

Expert treatment services if there's no improvement. I don't know what that means. Further treatment for chronic cases and my favorite, three refills for items in the kit. Oh, that's nice.

That's nice because I would get the kit and I would just, it's condiments. Sure, I would get the kit and make fucking guacamole. Are you kidding me? You just gave me condiments.

I would eat them all. They'd be gone by lunch. You'd be like, did you run into hysterical people and demons? No, man. Although I'm not sure what I'd do with the formic acid. I've never really used that in cooking. Maybe I could get lessons from somebody

over at fucking Alenia. Well, that's the thing, Cecil. You don't even need to wait to find folks at Alenia because you get expert tutelage from these folks. That's what your $2,400 goes for. Formic acid is the simplest carboxylic acid. It's a chemical formula is H-C-O-O-H or some other fucking formula.

It is important, intermediate, and chemical synthesis and occurs naturally, most notably in ant venom. Hmm. Ant venom? That's got to be hard to put, like, those little ants on that fucking thing where you've got to press their face into it. Right, like squeezing, like, the rattlesnakes or whatever? Squeeze the back of them, like, really gently. You've got to squeeze the thorax or whatever and be like,

oh, give it a little tweak there. It's like tweaking a nipple to get the fucking venom out of there. All right. So that's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to be back on Monday with another full show. But until then, we're going to leave you, like we always do, with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info

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Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local Dairy Council. The verbal lashing I would get from Judge Judy would actually be worth going on the show for. She would fucking tear you apart. Yeah, she would. Yeah, she would. But it would be delightful.

It would be awesome. Yeah, because she's a quick-witted old bag. She's so mean. That's the thing she should be on the show you know what that show is about that show is about shaming people that's all it's about like it's about shaming people and making people who watch it feel superior it's like watching fucking jerry it's like jerry jerry springer right i almost said jerry seinfeld i almost did too i came close i was like it's like watching jerry seinfeld although in that show too it's not much you're watching you're watching superior you're being

feeling superior to all those awful humans around that show you know what's funny about seinfeld is when that show first came on i was i was kind of young and i didn't really i don't feel like i got it you know like i've watched it more recently because you've talked about it quite i know you were a big fan of the show but when that show came, I kind of felt like I didn't really get it. And what I didn't get is that they were awful people. They're just terrible. Yeah. I didn't get that.

So I was just like, I don't understand. Who cares that she's got weird hands? Yeah, right. She seems nice. I couldn't do it because I didn't understand that that was the joke that this is a show about terrible people. Right, right. I just it just didn't fucking occur to me.

It's like a show about nothing. And it's about terrible people. It's basically this podcast in television form. I think we're going to get sued. Yeah. It's like copyright infringement, you know. Jerry Seinfeld will want both of our dollars. He needs toilet paper.

That fucker's so rich. What he's going to do is he's going to come over and pump our stomachs and take our ReasonCon liquor. There you go. No, no, you can have my freedom, but you cannot have my liquor. You cannot have my ReasonCon liquor. When I watch that show, I feel like my son – we recently interviewed some nannies. And my son is eight and the other one is – one doesn't count. So the eight-year-old though, we were talking to him. We're like, well, buddy, I want to have – I want you to tell us after the nannies leave.

I want you to tell us what you really think of them. I want you to tell us if you think that they're nice or you know and he's like well why wouldn't i like them i'm like no no i imagine that you'll like them but you know like if if there's something that just you know doesn't seem like it's somebody that you'd well but won't they be nice yes yes they'll be nice i couldn't i couldn't like i couldn't get there i could he's just like he's fucking baffled at the idea that people would show up and be mean. Like he can't understand why. That's awesome.

Why would somebody be mean? He's going to be really surprised when this nanny beats him. I know, right? Oh, we got the angriest looking nanny too. We got like. Going to be shocked. We're going to give her a rolling pin. I'm just saying.

Now when you said your little bean is one, right? Turning one in June. Turning one in June. He's turning one. Now, do you count? He was a preemie. Do you count from when he was born or when he should have been born? We count from the day he exited vagina.

That's the day that we cite as his birthday. It just seems right. I don't know. You know, it just feels like he's cheating. It feels like he's cheating somehow. I don't know how well i'll tell you this much he's gonna be drinking like two months before he should be it has seemed every day of that year

every minute of every day of that year no he's he's great every second he's great. Every second. He's great. Everyone should have kids. Oh, man. You are the worst human being. I am. It's amazing. I am, and I get worse.

I'm like a particularly egregious whine. I get worse with age. I hope he never listens to this show. Wouldn't that be a kick in the dick? It's going to be great. It's going to be great when both your kids are listening. They're going to be listening because you're dead. I can hear my dad's voice.

He says such awful things. My legacy is jokes about fucking Ewoks in the mouth. Yeah, no, that's a great legacy to leave. That's my legacy his jokes about fucking ewoks in the mouth yeah no that's a great legacy this is my legacy that's your that's a great legacy this is what i'm leaving to my children yeah oh no i i better make money dad left you this this audio legacy and a swimming pool so it's like yeah it's like a really bad version of that shitty michael keaton movie where he's like teaching Dad left you this audio legacy and a swimming pool. So, you know. It's like a really bad version of that shitty Michael Keaton movie where he's like teaching his kid how to shave through video or whatever. Oh, God. Just like the sad movie.

It's like, here's a sad movie for you. It's time to feel. Why do movies like that even fucking exist? I didn't even think it was sad. I thought it was dumb. Like, I watched it. I was like, this is fucking stupid. Who cares?

It's because you're mean. Fuck that guy. You're the meanest. You can learn how to shave better on YouTube than from that douchebag. Are you kidding me? First of all, Michael Keaton hasn't been in a movie since the invention of YouTube. First off, who needs to teach someone how to fucking shave, okay? What the fuck?

You have hair on your face? Yeah. Do you want it off? Yeah. Here's a knife. Okay. Good Lord do you want it off yeah here's a knife oh good lord just grind it off you pussy what's wrong with you oh it'd be a real fucking shock to have some fucking hair on your face you know what i mean like a fucking man so you grow like yeah but when you're a fucking kid you grow that fucking weird

like molester mustache first you know like the second fucking like you do it's a sex offender stash that's what it is and you won't shave it off because you're like somehow proud of like your fucking rape wagon mustache and the thing is is like only like one half of your face is growing it so like one half is out and the other half is like a tiny little pencil line yeah because it's basically like a half-formed Hitler stash. Exactly. That's like what you grow initially. And then like it pops up all – or like patchy all over the rest of your head.

But just like in random places, like your right cheekbone. It's like, why is that there?