Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 232: An Expensive Yet Disposable Item

Episode Date: June 22, 2015

 

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Dude, you completely left out New Jersey. Because as somebody from Buffalo, New York currently, I take great umbrage at this, and I'll tell you why. I grew up, for the first part of my life, down in the New York City area. I could smell across the water to New Jersey. I now live outside of Buffalo, New York. It is gorgeous out here. Do you know what the best part of it is out here? Not only do we have Niagara Falls, which is absolutely glorious and it's easy to go and visit, but right from here, it's just a couple of dollars across the bridge to Canada to get to the L.A. United States.

Yeah, if they want to go to Canada anyway. Take care, guys. Have fun. Hey, dudes, this is Elvis Not singing this time I remember Cecil once said That the soundbites you played Before a news piece were supposed to be a segue Like related to the piece that follows

On a recent podcast You played one of my Madrigal glory holes We have heard on that And thank you from the bottom of my heart For the exposure After hearing my lovely singing we did a piece about fucking women who were totally disinterested i'm presuming that was related now my wife is wondering how you knew that was a description

of the last like 600 pounds we have taken the voyage of canudial privilege. I hope it was just a lucky guess. Later, dudes. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. I'm Matt. the news makes it big or makes us mad it's skeptical it's political and there is no welcome mat this is episode 232 but we're actually working on the welcome mat we are working on we may have

a welcome mat i feel like we're closer let's not jump the gun tom here's why i think we're close okay so because earlier today we we got an email this week from somebody that I think can help us make the welcome mats at a reasonable price, and I took the task on of contacting this person, and I am going to spearhead the welcome mat project. So, guys, if you want a welcome mat for next Christmas, there's a possibility that they'll be around you notice you're the one laughing right you're the one laughing because i find the truth tom i move at the speed of a particularly aggressive glacier you do my friend and we are getting this you move at the speed of like a turtle fucking a croc.

And not like an actual crocodile, like a chute. Like the actual chute. Look, we are recording this. It is June 10th. I vow to have this done. Mark your calendars, folks. No later than May 2nd. I feel like that's an

attainable goal. I can do this. It's going to happen. And here's what's going to happen, folks. Tom's going to start it, and then I'm going to have to refinish it. So great, Tom. Thank you for taking the initiative. This is me clapping. I'm going to put right now on the air, I'm actually going to put a note in my calendar.

Oh, good. Yeah, that'll make it official. To do it. Right now, on the air, I'm actually going to put a note in my calendar. Oh, good. Yeah, that'll make it official. Right now, to do it. Because this way, Cecil, this is how you know it's going to happen. There we go. Yeah, no, that's good. And it says, welcome, Matt. Right.

And I think if it goes in a calendar, that's the first step to getting something done. It has to happen. Right? Yeah. It's like G.I. Joe, right? It's like knowing is half the battle. Calendaring is half the battle. It's like G.I. Joe, right? It's like knowing is half the battle. Calendaring is half the battle. It's halfway done. I've actually done 50% of it at this point. I feel like you should give me some praise for this. Yeah, I'm going to give you some praise.

I'm waiting for my praise. Yeah, no, keep waiting. Keep waiting, right? Keep waiting. Now, the concern, obviously, is if this isn't bottled up in San Francisco, this kind of nonsense, then it's going to be spreading across the entire Fruited Plain, and you're going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa, and you're going to have a rainbow-colored wrapper for your Whopper. So this first story comes from thinkprogress.org.

44,500 people, including two presidential candidates, vow to defy the Supreme Court on marriage equality. What does that mean? It doesn't mean anything. What does it mean to defy it? I don't know what that means. I don't know. It's awesome.

The Supreme Court isn't mandating everyone gets a gay marriage. Right. I guess they're just going to not be nice about it. You know, like, we're going to defy this. Like, all right, well, that doesn't mean stuff. We're going to be a little perturbed about that. Yeah. That's awesome, man.

I may stomp my foot. Great. That's awesome, man. I may stomp my foot. Great. Yeah, so it's like 0.1% of the population is going to get fucking worked up. Like, all right, well, the other 99.9% of us don't give a fuck. Yeah, no kidding.

Nobody else cares except for these people who have signed this thing. And the thing that they signed is this open letter to the supreme court justices that has this silhouette of a man and a woman and it says we ask you not to force us to choose between the state and the laws of god and like do they do you know what they should do is they should actually get petitions together and put these signs up at like red lobster where they're like don't make us choose between cheddar biscuits and the laws of god right fucking sir shellfish there i know what the fuck they just it's the picking and choosing like fucking putting the sign up for fucking lulu lemon because they sell poly cotton blends yeah but you know i i saw that and my first thought was like nobody's asking you to make a choice

you don't you literally have to do nothing yeah if two gay dudes are getting married down the street you're not making a choice you're not in fucking involved you're not invited you're not part of the transaction what is the choice that you made where you were like oh man the state made me choose gay marriage over god like what what possible conceivable scenario well it's like it's like they think that when you get married from now on it's gonna be like a fucking pepsi blind taste test challenge you're gonna be like oh fucking i hope i don't pick the dude because i'm a hetero that's gonna suck can i can i have door number three monty oh i got the goat this sucks worse we've replaced his normal sex partner with a man you

know let's see if he notices at least at least if you get the man you have two incomes if you get the goat what do you get you don't even get a second income you're able to mow your lawn yeah you know it's true i mean look at the fucking bright side for once god damn it. And you could eat your partner. You know what I mean? He just keep getting goats. You know, they were talking, you know, we've talked about this before. They're like, well, I'm prepared to go to jail. What are you going to go to jail for? Or the guys who said, like, I'm prepared to die. Hey, no.

What are you going to die? Dude, keep fucking prepping, you weird doomsday prepper nut. That's great. I would love to watch. I would love to watch, Cecil, the doomsday prepper show. Because the best part of that show. I love that fucking show. The best part of that fucking lunatic asylum show.

It's like they build their own crazy house. It's terrific. Yeah, I know. Yeah. So the best part of that show is in the beginning. You realize you have a fucking room in your basement that's like a prepper room. I don't want to talk about my prepper tendencies. It's like your own little safe murder room.

It's your panic room. If my wife would let me, I would turn this into a panic room because I think they're neat. Like, I think prepper rooms, like, this is a total aside, but I think prepper rooms like this is a total aside but i think prepper rooms are ridiculous by nature but i also think they're like grown-up fucking tree houses they're like forts they're like a fucking couch fort it's exactly what it is awesome and instead of being filled with fucking nerf guns they're filled with actual guns because i got money and i can buy shit right yeah and instead of like the cookies and milk your mom gave you to sit in the fucking like the sofa fort instead it's actual mres or something

it's like k rations and fucking hopelessness yeah that's like hopelessness well you know the best part of that show is in the beginning where that like the fucking lunatics are always talking about like what their particular brand of paranoia happens to be and they're like oh yeah you know like i believe there's gonna be a nuclear war set off from china to north korea and then they're gonna blow up america and i so they but they always have like their talk like that they all do they're all that guy i would love to watch doomsday prep where it's like, I believe the gays are going to get married. And if they do, I gotta hunker down in my bunker, you know what I mean?

I gotta get some bunker hunkering. If I don't hunker in my bunker, then I'll get snuggled by a big, strong man. And I'm ready to die for it. It is beefy media arms. I'm ready to go to jail and

die for it is better jail surrounded by hot sweaty dudes big gay bears this is the most pointless thing you could sign yeah i can't imagine something less pointless that you could possibly nobody could put something in your hands that would be less pointless to put your fucking John Hancock on than this weird choose thing. Yeah, and the petitions really are just – all they are is a signing prayer. Is that right? Really. Yeah. Very, very few petitions do a thing.

Like most petitions are just there to show like I'm really mad and I want to stomp my foot. So this is my signature. That's my stomping of the foot. But it's basically there's nothing really that they do. Look at all those petitions that all those people signed to take the – in God we trust off the money and all the other stuff. And all it got was a pat on the head. Oh, that's cute. You guys signed a thing.

Oh, isn't that adorable? Thanks. We're not really interested in changing anything. I think there's a mistaken idea still celebrated in American culture that's kind of propagated by bad Christmas movies, where it's like, I'll bring in the letters from Santa Claus. Yeah, exactly. It's like, and he loves Santa, and she loves Santa.

You know, it's like, nobody fucking cares. Jesus Petals loves Santa. It doesn't make any fucking difference how many people fucking love Santa. Merry Christmas, building and loans! all the presents are in your house and in bill's house that's right so every time a bell rings an angel gets his way it's all ridiculous every black and white movie has that guy in it by the way what i like i i totally agree with you, though. You're right.

Because it's that idea that there's going to be that dramatic moment where they walk into the Supreme Court with the bigoted letters to Santa. And they just empty all the letters out that are written in the blood of all the crazy people that have written them. letters out that are written in the blood of all the crazy people that have written them and they're gonna say something to the effect of oh we hate those gays and please don't let them marry and then suddenly scalia will grab a handful of these and look at the rest of the people and say look don't you see don't you see the letters of the people right then everybody will finally come to their senses and they'll they'll fucking kill all the gays or whatever it is they want to do. When the reality of our political situation would be more like, don't you see? Don't you see the letters from the people?

And they'd be like, well, how many are from billionaires? Yeah. Because if it's not from a billionaire, nobody in this room gives a shit. They're digging for the golden letters that are in there. I found a golden letter. I found a golden letter. If the Boy Scouts allowed homosexuals to become scout leaders, that would be the end of the Boy Scouts. Because we know that pedophilia occurs at excessive rates

in the homosexual community. So this story is from Right Wing Watch. Klingenschmitt, Boy Scouts are opening the organization to untrustworthy men who have a fetish for young boys. What, to priests? No, that would be fucking criminal. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Well, Klingenschmitt speaks for himself here Tom let's listen to him this is from his shitball show that he has uh and this is from right wing watch where we're getting it from if you're gonna stay in boy scouts of america my opinion

you need to fire bill robert gates bill gates Gates. What? Just fire Bill Gates. Fire Bill Gates. That's what he started to say. I know. It'd be awesome if Bill Gates was just like, what the fuck did I do? This is my company. Motherfucker, I'm trying to stop malaria. It's like, I've been busy. He's like, I'm trying to fucking come up with the fucking next generation condoms to stop AIDS and fight malaria.

And you fired me because of the Boy Scouts? I'm fucking busy. I've donated more money than fucking your state made. You need to fire him. He does not need to be a leader of that organization. He is leading that organization into the path of destruction. Not just with more lawsuits that will be threatened if he inevitably does this, but with more homosexual molestation of young boys and with more training in unrighteousness by telling your young boys

future eagle scouts future leaders of our country that sin is acceptable that it's not sin okay i mean i guess i guess this is this is like the only point that they have, right, is that the Boy Scouts themselves I think are kind of a religious organization then if that's the case because they're choosing to follow a religious ideology. Well, there's certainly a quality religion. It's not an ideology that's held up by anyone else that's extra religious because I don't care. I don't care that people are gay. And it's not a sin to me. So if I had a child and I were to put that child in Boy Scouts, I wouldn't expect that someone would come out and go out of their way to say something like, hey, homosexuality is a sin to my child. I wouldn't expect that they would do that.

And if they did, I would be upset by that so what he's basically saying is that my ideals or the ideals of this small group and it's and it is a it's a shrinking group it's an ever shrinking group uh need to supersede everyone else's ideas and that's that's that's bullshit it is bullshit you know the problem with the boy scouts is that they are a quasi-governmentally funded sort of organization. They get all kinds of tax breaks that they just get just because they're the Boy Scouts. There seems to be no rationale that I can discover. They get tax breaks. They get access to national and state parks with low or reduced fees.

They get all kinds of federal funding and gifts from the government in terms of reduced costs to use public spaces. And they get all that while still maintaining a policy that's not only until very recently, not only been bigoted against the LGBT community, but also doesn't allow people without faith to join the organization. You can't join if you're an atheist. I don't fucking fuck them. I know. I was going to send my kid to the scouts because I went to the scouts. Did you scout? Were you a scout?

Good Lord. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know. Didn't we just have like a 20 minute conversations before we started about how much I hate camping? I guess that's true. But I thought maybe it was. That's an acquired hatred from many years of camp.

No. Fuck camping. Fuck scouts. Well, to be fair, camping, at least my experience in scouts, because I did the scouts when I lived in the city of Chicago. I used to live near Midway Airport, and I did the scouts there, and we never fucking camped once. Oh, really? Yeah, we never camped. We just did badge earning things. Just like tied knots and shit?

We'd go help old people and get a fucking badge for helping old people and you do like pinewood derby stuff a lot of it was a character badges like go do a nice thing for someone i see yeah so like it never had anything to do with the fucking outdoors because he's fucking living in the city you couldn't get to the outdoors like they're a bunch of fucking city kids they didn't have means to get to the outdoors they couldn't do stuff that was all outdoors based so but i i enjoyed my time in the Scouts, and I was like, well, maybe my kid would like to do the Scouts. And I looked into it to see if they still were,

because I knew that they were an organization that didn't allow atheists to join, and they still require you to express a belief in a higher power. Yeah, it's like the Masons. Yeah, it's exactly similar to the Masons. They don't care what religion you are, but you've got to be something. You've got to be something, yeah.

The Bible says we need to do the opposite of that. The Bible says in Ephesians 5, for the fruit of light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth. And find out what pleases the Lord. I'll tell you what pleases me. You've got to massage my prostate. I love it when you massage my prostate.

Big fan. I actually give away candy bars to choir boys for that. So I don't know if you scouts want to line up and get a badge, but massaging my prostate badge. I love them little ones. We got those hands can be right on it. They got a little hand. Doesn't stretch me out so much. It's less godly prolapse.

That's as dirty as we've got. God, that's awful. Have nothing to do with fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Fruitless deeds of darkness would be a great metal album. but rather expose them. Fruitless Deeds of Darkness would be a great metal album. Well, Deeds of Darkness, that really does explain somebody fisting his anus to touch his prostate, too.

Fruitless Deeds of Darkness, for some reason, reminds me of a bad ACDC song. It's like Dirty Deeds done dirt cheap. Sure, sure. Or it's like one of those black metal bands from Sweden. Yeah. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. What?

Wait, wait, wait. Everything that's illuminated becomes a light? No, everything. I'm going to read it again. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. That doesn't make any fucking sense at all. What does that even mean? Why are you using these crazy fucking word combinations?

At this point, these are just mouth noises. I know. That couldn't make less sense if he just burped into the microphone. If he massages prostate with the microphone. He's just rubbing his ass and moaning. I do believe that atheists are parasites in the sense they're benefiting from everything that religious culture is built in America, but they're doing nothing to add energy into the system. Yeah, so this comes from the progressive secular humanist blogs at Paleos. Pateos?

Paleos? Paleos. Paleos. Give me less carbs. That sounds like a dog. Is my dog Paleos? He only needs honey and berries and, like, fucking raw meat. Like, that's all he eats.

He's a dog on the paleo diet which means he doesn't exist he doesn't because he wouldn't there's no dogs in the paleo world yeah there are well there's wolves well wolves are close to dogs but they're not actually like he's just like you just have to make him fucking hunt a deer it's like a fucking chihuahua you're like you look at him you say you're a wolf you're a wolf go get him buddy you're a wolf i was fucking like i'm like i weigh six pounds man i like i i have open that can because i ain't running after no goddamn deer new michigan law allows adoption agencies to reject atheist parents.

New Michigan law allows publicly funded adoption agencies. That's the part that's fucking astonishing. Publicly funded adoption agencies to discriminate against potential parents on the basis of religion. religion. Under the law, unmarried couples, same-sex couples, and couples who hold different religious beliefs and couples who hold no religious beliefs will be denied the opportunity to offer a child in need a safe and loving home. That is not how you fucking protect kids. That's not how you take, oh, these kids, look at this. No parents. That's super fucking sad. Let's fucking find them a home. Oh, these parents look good. Maybe we can give them a home.

Yeah, we'll give them a fucking home except for the, you know, believe in God. Oh, well, fuck them. Put them back in the system. What is a system? Believe in God? They are just saying, look, we'd rather these kids grow up without a loving family. We would much prefer that these children, instead of having a loving family that is either uh that same sex and at some point doesn't it say race is a thing that they can just they can

fucking say no on to in here yeah senator state senator coleman young um spoke out against it and said we know this is about lgbt people but we know people are going to use this law to discriminate against people because of their race. Yet again, the majority is claiming to use religious freedom as a shield when in fact they are using it as a sword. That's a great line. It's a great line. It's a great line. It's a really great line.

And it's so appalling that people would rather the children grow up in these group homes, in this that's that's a home environment with many children with uh you're gonna get a much better life regardless of whether or not you believe in their beliefs i just think it's i mean it's just such a silly thing to say you can't be as an atheist you can't adopt what the fuck is wrong with you i don't know man it's super fucking brutal you know and and you know, man. It's super fucking brutal. And looking at what they allow discrimination based upon, it's not even just atheists. It's couples that have different religions. Yeah. So if a Catholic marries a Jew, they can't fucking adopt a kid?

That's crazy. That is insane. That is insane. That is insane. So we're saying that two Jewish people get married or they can go adopt. Two Catholics get married. They can go adopt. But a Catholic marries a Jew and they're somehow less than? You know, and I think that's appalling.

But I think that's less appalling than fucking just because you're an atheist, you can't get a kid. Yeah, I'm a terrible parent, but it's not because I'm an atheist. It's because I'm lazy. It's because you're an atheist, you can't get a kid. Yeah, I'm a terrible parent, but it's not because I'm an atheist. It's because I'm lazy. It's because you're lazy and stupid. I think those are two things that play against your child-rearing abilities. Ask these kids what they would prefer, right? Say, would you rather be here or would you rather be in a home with two daddies? Right.

I'll tell you what, if I was living in that home, first thing I'd say is give me the two daddies man sure give me virtually anything that's not the fucking state funded can i have my own room now right so i have to live in the fucking dorm can i have you know like like a family structure where people will at least have the pretense of loving me someday. Yeah. I mean, that would be a good thing to have. Crazy. Because kids really fucking need that. Yeah.

It's outrageous. This is, like, this is such a vulnerable group of people. And to, you know, for religious groups to use legislation to attack, and that's what this is, to attack parents, and they're using as their fucking weapon. They're using these fucking vulnerable kids to bludgeon over the fucking heads of these fucking atheist parents or, you know, same sex couples, whatever. Yeah. You can't.

You're not good enough. You're not good enough. We care so fucking little about this vulnerable group of people will fucking use them as the weapon to harm you it's outrageous everybody loses man says it must be male and female it must be opposite of one another everything in the universe testifies against the sodomites and against the sodomite gospel and against the sodomite bible so this story comes from Right Wing Watch. Homosexuals worship their own genitals. Fucking amazing. Amazing, Cecil.

We just need to listen to it. So this is Washington Watch, and this is Craig James of the Family Research Council. So it's going to be awesome. What I wanted to point out, and it should be pointed out all the time, you know, they try to say separation of church and state. You can't have religion in schools.

You can't have it in the workplace. Everybody in the entire world has a religion. A good amount of them, they look in the mirror and say, I'm God. I set the rules. What the fuck does he mean? Nobody does that. Who does that? Nobody ever does that.

Nobody's like, I'm God. I mean, I know what he's saying, right, is that for him, he doesn't make any of his own rules. Sure. So, for example, like if you're at his house, it's a fucking, unless you're violating a commandment, you can do fucking whatever you want. If you walk into his home, I'm sure that I could walk into his home and pee on his carpet. Right. Because there's no house rule that and pee on his carpet. Right. Because there's no house rule that you pee in the bathroom. Right. I'm sure that if

I walked into his home with fucking dog shit on my shoes, that it wouldn't be, I'd fucking just smear it all over his fucking couch, that that would not violate any house rules against no feces on my couch, please. No feces couch rule. Right. Actually, I don't

have that rule, Tom, so if you want to come over anytime. I've been to your home. I mean what a fucking absurd thing to say. You make your own fucking rules too. The difference is that I can make a rule that I think it's insensible for there to be shit on my couch

and I don't think people should fucking pee in the living room. I also think people shouldn't fucking kill each other i'd have to read an old book to figure it out i didn't have to fucking i don't have to get any other dumb ass rules that say i can't worship any of their gods either right but everybody has a religion and the whole homosexual movement is really like a religion okay no it doesn't have a holy text or a codified set of rules or membership or or a supreme being right it doesn't so it's it's like here's the thing it's like a religion yeah except for that it doesn't have any of the same elements of a religion right but otherwise very similar yeah basically everybody that is gay worships that guy from queen who died

that's what that fucking eddie mercury right eddie mercury he's their deity well they aren't the champions yeah he is not the champion though and uh this guy clears his throat as much as you do this is this is i I mean, he's terrible. He needs an editor. He needs you. They also need fucking a little bit worse sound quality. Maybe if they can record on a fucking speaking spell. Are you kidding me?

He's like recording on an old Nextel phone. It's, you know, like their religion is sex, and they worship their own genitals. Who doesn't? Who doesn't? Who doesn't? I worship them, but I worship them like a flagellant. Beat the hell out of those things. Are you kidding me? I worship my own.

You know, I'm not even, I'm so generous as a religious person that I am willing to worship the genitals of others. If they'll just give me a chance, you know, just put them in the collection plate, right? I'm just looking out. I'll do what I can. That's actually, that's actually often my pitch is like,

look, I just want to worship your genitals. And my wife hates it when I call the bed, the altar, she gets so mad. That's not hot at all. I keep trying to feed her wafers while we're having some...

Sometimes I have to eat this. Eat this and drink this wine. Well, you know, if things get a little serious, I might take a sip of grape juice to get some electrolytes back into the system. Yeah, after 30 seconds of fierce pumping, Tom, you need to refill.

Hey, after the first five seconds, I'm sweating like a whore in church. Don't fucking judge me. You're like a long-distance runner in the Olympics. You're just covered head to toe in sweat. I've got that hancing heavily. There's a guy standing next to you

with an oxygen mask. I've got that fucking nutrient-dense paste that the fucking marathoners have. You're putting it on your lover and licking it off. It's like she's holding a corned beef sandwich between her tits for you.

Which is no small feat for those real dolls to do for me. But the advantage that they have is you can screw a TV tray into them for your fucking dinner. They don't even give a shit either.

And they have big enough tits the supports are right there. You don't even have to be an engineer to do that shit. Which is a good thing because i'm not it makes it hell when you want to cuddle with the thing later on though who wants to cuddle tray gets in the way nobody that doesn't get in the way is oozing out of its snatch later on it gets in the way in the sense that it is now filled with ice cream sandwiches can you

can you like take the midsection out of those things and put them in the dishwasher is that how that works i I don't know. Because how do you... I mean, what are you going to do to clean it? Dude, that's an expensive, yet in my mind, disposable item. You fuck it once, and then you just shame-filled throw it in a garbage bag and bury it in a small grave. No, dude.

You know what's so funny? If I ever become filthy fucking rich, I'm going to buy those things just so I can fuck them and throw them in my recycling bin with their fucking legs in the air. Like, stick it out of there. Stick it out. So the garbage- Victoria's Secret panties on one of them. Every week the garbage guy comes.

And he's like, why did you tie it up? Like, you don't need to tie these things up that's unnecessary she wasn't going anywhere and uh so that's something that needs to be pointed out in in lawsuits by republicans by anybody in office that you know just because you don't have a denomination name for your religion doesn't mean you don't have a religion. I think I understand where you're heading on that, Dylan, what you're trying to say there. There is an agenda, and the agenda is very clear. I believe that the agenda is to shut down someone like maybe yourself,

but I know I can speak for myself on this. I have a belief system, a biblical belief system, and what I believe about homosexuality, what I think about adultery, what I think about a number of different things that are sinful. And they're trying to shut down my Christian beliefs. That's the agenda. At least that's what the proof's in the pudding in the way it's moving right now. And so that's the thing that we have to – that I'm here sitting fighting for, my religious freedom and my belief.

I live my life, and those who want to live theirs can live theirs according to whatever it is, free will. And I'm going to continue to voice my opinion on it. Great. Yeah. Good bro. It's cool. Like, but they don't care what you're,

what you're missing here is that nobody cares about your thoughts, but you, yeah, you get to keep your beliefs. If the, if the Supreme court comes back and says, you know, uh,

two women can get married tomorrow. You can still believe that's weird. Like you can be uncomfortable with it or turned on by it or alternating between the two. It doesn't, nobody, the thing is like nobody cares. While you're worshiping your genitals, you can basically do whatever you want. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com.

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so this story comes from thehumanist.com fox news uses charleston shootings to propagate a culture war um so the recent shooting it's very recent It's like 24 hours old when we record this. The recent shooting in a black church, historically black church in Charleston, South Carolina, was appalling. Nine people were murdered. It's just horrifying. what was said at the church, according to eyewitnesses from the clothes that the person was wearing when they went into the church, that this was a racially motivated mass killing. That that seems to be at this point, at least pretty evident. But Fox News is fucking poo pooing the racial motive because it doesn't fit with the Fox News narrative of, you know, black people are the criminals and white folks aren't. And they are pushing this idea that this was a that the shooter did this to kill Christians. Yeah, they're trying to make it.

They're trying to spin it. So it makes it seem like the person went into a church. And that's the the operable part of this. That's the part that we need to focus on is that it happened in a church instead of saying look at who the victims were right victims were all black and this kid who did you see a picture of this kid yeah he looks fucking super weird what's the bowl cut there's a throwback he looks like ringo star for christ's sakes. It's got a weird, weird, old, ye old-fashioned-y horcrux. Well, and he's wearing, you know, on the jacket that he had, he was wearing a flag of Rhodesia

and apartheid South Africa. So, you know, he's clearly, he's, maybe he's a fucking time traveler. Yeah. Maybe the poor guy, you know, he's a time traveler, you know, because imagine how confusing that would be. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, you wake up and you're like, wait, I fucking what's going on?

The black people aren't being oppressed. Somebody has to oppress the black people. These people forgot how to do it. Let me show them. I just don't understand how this works. Well, historically, black churches have been targeted. In fact, this particular church has been targeted like three times. It's been like burned to the ground and ransacked.

Historically, black churches have been bombed. They've I mean, fucking every conceivable act of violence that that that fucking white supremacist lunatics can possibly conceive of have been utilized to attack historically black churches because these churches are seats of power and community within uh you know yeah for for black folks to to gather and to be politically active um it's so it it's not the fact that they're christians because the white supremacists are by and large christians yeah like the white supremacist organizations if you go to their fucking lunatic websites, which I won't even fucking type in my browser, I'd rather fucking get a disposable fucking computer than type that fucking – That's awesome. Then type that fucking hate-filled garbage into my fucking browser. But if you look at that shit, it's all fucking Christian narrative.

Like all that shit is like fucking wrapped up in their fucking God belief garbage. So it's not that these it's not that this was a, you know, a Christian church, but Fox News can't stand the idea. Right. Because they've spent all of this time. And I think Cecil, this comes down to, you know, we've spent all this time in the last year or so having this sort of national debate about race and about violence and about, you know, the white cops shooting the unarmed black teenagers fucking virtually every week. And if you turn on Fox, they're constantly spinning it. They're constantly trying to portray, well, you know, that guy had it coming because, you know, he stole a soda pop or, you know, whatever it was. He was fucking had illegal cigarettes. So you can totally choke him out.

So, yeah, like, you know, you're allowed to hit him at least 13 times with a baton. I mean, come on, let's don't be ridiculous. Right. We're allowed to beat them. Yeah. That that 12 year old kid was resisting arrest when we didn't try to arrest him and we shot him immediately in the face without warning you know without warning in the face that dude who got shot in the back well he was no fucking angel either you know fox is

always i know that it's always the other side of the story right like it's it's you're totally right and and i won't i wouldn't be surprised that they depicted they started depicting all the bad things that the people in this church had done in the future no part of me would would be so the so the only way that they cannot lose sight of their narrative right is to spin this story and they're just fucking immediate it's not even 24 hours old and they're immediately doing it like oh it's a war on christianity fucking this isn't the war on christmas guys you can't just make this shit up and traditionally the people in south carolina have been very nice to black

people. I mean, traditionally. So... Is trusting God important? It's the only thing that gets favor from him. He doesn't respond to pain or tears or heartache. He only responds to being believed. This story comes from the LA Times. Zoo animals on the loose in

Georgia. Nailed it! beliefs this story comes from the la times uh zoo animals on the loose in georgia nailed it dude that's not a word so tom give me your best chance to say this that is say you fucking you fuck that up i'm gonna say it's sibilisi sibilisi is what i'm going to say. All right. Okay, so here we go. All right. Tbilisi. Oh, we fucking, we were not good. The fucking Tbilisi? Really? Tbilisi. I would have thought that that T and B would have done it a little, like, a little more melding. Yeah, they did not.

Because they didn't just tibuh, tibuh. That's why we vowel here. How the fuck do you tibuh on that? Yeah, they didn't vowel very good. No. There should be, like, just move one of those I's over there. You got three of them. Throw an A. You could virtually use that. Yeah, they didn't vowel very good. No! There should be like, just move one of those eyes over there. You got three of them. Throw an A, you could virtually use that.

Literally any vowel at this point. I would have bought a Y. Yeah, I think even a Y would be fine. Tbilisi though, so that's it. So Tbilisi, Georgia. And I love this story because it's got a fucking picture, first of all

yeah i'm like four dudes like fucking pushing out a hippo's butt yeah they're they're on they're on the the party end of the hippo right there not the business the business end is the chompers right that's the business end they're on the party end well what makes me laugh about this is like hippos are are the the most the creature in in Africa that has accounted for killing the most people in all of Africa. Yes. And they're just like, let's push its butt. Yeah. That hippo.

You're right. Hippos are pretty. I've seen videos of them going after boats, and they're pretty aggressive. This guy seems pretty docile. He doesn't mind that some guy is going to give him a prostate exam in a second. They're pushing on his backside. Maybe they're worshipping his genitals. Maybe they're worshipping his genitals.

And this is happening in Tbilisi, Georgia, and not Georgia, USA, because it's not even noteworthy if there's hippos in Georgia. Yeah, we call those Georgians. Yeah, because you always see them walking around after they get finished eating their chicken and waffles. You can just see them wandering around, sunning themselves, laying in the mud. That's just typical Georgians. Well, and you can tell that these aren't Native American, like American Georgians, too, because this hippo

is actually uh ambulatory it's not a little scooter it's not riding a a fucking disability scooter so because this you know compared to compared to a georgian from say you know atlanta georgia this you know 1800 pound animal is actually considered a fucking xs you know this is an extra small you know those fucking scooters for those giant people those things got to be built pretty fucking sturdy huh i would think so man they're not just like slapped together with with pvc pipe like those things have to be fucking they better be double extra reinforced man yeah because some of those people are like 700 pounds of shit i have a funny story about one of those in my town i so i do you ever you're in the city of chicago but like in the in the burbs there's like this little like patch system of like local hyper local news

right so i subscribe to it and the other day i get an alert and it's like oh there's a new story on the patch for your for your town your shitty fucking suburb so i read it and it's evidently there was some dude somewhere in my town who was drunk pantsless and on his fucking rascal scooter rolling around and the you know people don't judge me of course called the cops right so that he went on a chase he eluded the cops like the cops tried to chase him but his little scooter went like 15 miles an hour and had like a 43 mile range and he just went around them shut up and they eventually caught the guy um and he said he was riding the scooter he's fucking drunk when they caught him and he said they said he was

riding the scooter uh because he had so many duis he couldn't ride and drive a car anymore only in america i loved it i thought it was great that guy after he was done he punched a bald eagle in the face gosh that is america i bet you his scooter had truck nuts on it that is so america i read that story and a little one single tear leaked from the corner of my eye i put my hand over my heart and i sang a Lee Greenwood song right there. Exactly. I stood up right there, fucking hand over my heart, my fucking dick throbbing. I was so proud to be American.

You hang an American flag right on it right then. A very, very small American flag. Miniature American flag. Yeah. A tiny, tis a wee flag it is. It actually only has one star and it represents rhode island so oh shit the reason why we're talking about this story this hippo story um it's not just hippos there's a lot of fucking a bunch of other animals escaped from the zoo in this

fucking flood and several people died it's 10 people yeah 10 people get killed by animals different animals and the reason why we're talking about it is because this german orthodox patriarch uh is quoted as basically saying when the communists came to the country they ordered all the crosses and the bells and the churches melted down and the money used to build the zoo he said the sin will go sin will not go without punishment. I am very sorry that the Georgians fell. And I think it's felt. Georgians felt so that a zoo was built at the expense of destroyed churches.

I love that he says, I'm very sorry. It's like your wife saying, I'm really sorry you got herpes at the whore. You're not sorry, you asshole sorry you asshole not sorry at all and it's it's so funny because it's like god hates communism but he hates it so much that like nothing bad is happening to cuba or you know like i think that has happened for many years it's like fucking like you know almost it's a hundred years of communism someplace and it's like the worst god does is like fuck up a zoo like that's it like i'm gonna leave this gate open okay these animals are gonna show you y'all gonna have to fucking wrangle up yourselves a hippopotamus

okay dude like that's it that's how you send your message like you made me wrangle a hippo you done stole my gold hat y'all melted down my purty purty crosses my son one of those staffs and minors you unsold them now y'all pay inadvertently many years later. I know, right? It's like a hundred years after communism, and it's like, y'all melted my bells on my churches. That does not tickle my testicles. I am going to make your zoo get all wet.

It's going to take me a while, but don't you worry. I'm going to do it. I got you now. Some of you, the rest of you died of old age waiting for me to actually get off my ass and do something. There's only ten of you. You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh, my son

doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay! Oh my god, what's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance now. So the story comes from the Raw story. A friend of Christian couple who vowed divorce over gay marriage brutally uninvites them from her wedding. So there was these fucking douche nozzles who were basically like if gays can get married then we're getting divorced good and everybody was just like well what is that a

comment no one cares like that's your personal relationship what like gays were just like who cares we're still married like all that happened was that now we're married and you're not and actually in the in that story see so the funniest part to me is they said, well, we're still going to live as husband and wife because we're going to recognize basically our spiritual marriage. But we're going to decide that the marriage that we were granted by the state is valueless. And so we're going to get divorced. And I thought, OK, so let me let me just summarize so you're going to keep the fake marriage that doesn't mean anything when when your lives go tits up at some point right yeah that's the one you're going to keep and you're going to throw

away the one that will allow you to have you you know, certain tax advantages, estate planning advantages. Like that's and you're going to do that. Exactly why? Yeah. All the useful shit you're going to throw away. Right. And even in this article, they even say that if you Google the divorce proceedings and the necessary things you need for divorce in Australia, you can't get divorced now because you said, hey, I'm going to do this and I'm still going to call my wife a wife because it says you have to be separated for 12 months and there's no reasonable likelihood of getting married and they won't let you get divorced unless you have that. Right.

So you're stuck. Now you're stuck. You can't even do it. No, they're not even a grant him to divorce. It's just, you know know it's such a weird publicity stunt that didn't mean anything and then our friends were just like well then fucking you're not coming to my wedding because we don't invite hate-filled bigots yeah i disagree with the headline though it says they brutally uninvited them to the wedding it's just a stern little

message it's saying it's kind of naughty it's not brutal at all. And brutal should really only refer to like porn that stretches you out and dog attacks. Those are the only two things that can be referred to as brutal. As brutal? The rest of it. You can't brutally uninvite somebody to your wedding. I don't even know how that works. Unless you take the computer and beat them with it. How do you brutally uninvite?

You read what they say. Here's the end of the thing. I'm going to read this. It says, I don't want you anywhere near my wedding. You and your views are not welcome because you're right. The institution we're marrying into isn't the same one you think you're in. That's not brutal. Brutal is your third abortion.

That's fucking brutal. Yeah, this week. Yeah, that's brutal. That's tough's tough that's brutal don't fucking tell me about yeah because there's nothing but death and refuse and direct them that no life can come out of the rectum the rectum is designed to get rid of death and waste. It's designed for that one purpose. And the sodomites are cheering on and praising the rectum. Sister, it comes from Jezebel. One million moms protest Chobani's sinful lesbian yogurt.

This is a great article. So the fucking one million moms, which is about 999,900 moms short of a million. I know. It's like 646 kind of pissed moms. Right. Yeah. It's just like a handful of grumpy fucking moms. So the one million moms are fucking pissed off because there's a Chobani commercial, which features a lesbian couple eating yogurt.

Did you watch this? I didn't watch the the thing it is awesome is it really absolutely wonderful commercial i think it is it makes me want to buy chobani not just that there's lesbians in it because i think you could pretty much sell me anything if there was no lesbians in it i mean it'd be like i'd buy my own dick cutting off machine if there was lesbians in the commercial. Wait a minute. That didn't work out at all the way I anticipated.

I don't even like this machine. I was seduced by the package design. No, but it's an endearing commercial. This woman is sitting there, and you can't see the other person. So the other person is turned over and from the angle that you're at, like I did, I presumed it was a guy. I immediately thought, oh, she's laying in bed with a guy. And she's got this sheet sort of wrapped up around her and she's clearly naked underneath

the sheet and she's eating this Chobani 100 whatever yogurt and she finishes it and then she touches the other person's foot and the other yogurt and she finishes it and then she touches the other person's foot and the other person starts to wake up and then she pulls the sheet off and walks away and starts laughing. She wraps the sheet around her and she moves away and it looks like kind of a cute little bedroom scene and they turn and they show the woman in the bed is a

woman and suddenly I was like, oh, that's really cool. It didn't even occur to me that it would be a woman and when I saw it, I was like, oh, that's really endearing. It's really sweet. It's really endearing. It just so happens that it's one of those things that I didn't expect to happen. So it makes me remember the commercial.

I think it's great marketing. I think it's just awesome marketing. So wait a minute. I'm a little confused. Are you suggesting that you're not going to join with the one million moms? I want to read part of this, too, because it says this commercial not only promotes same-sex relationships by including two lesbians, but also same-sex marriage because the two women wear matching wedding beds. The ad states to love this life is to live it naturally. There's nothing natural about homosexuality.

And then the food babe says there's nothing natural about 100-calorie Chobani. So right afterwards, they're getting slammed from all sides, Tom. Well, I mean, they're lesbians. This article is written very well. At one point, the person says, one thing that's always fun to think about is how hard the one million moms has to watch these ads. Screening, rewinding, pausing with the horror of the split second frame showing the demonic gay wedding ring on a be-lesbian finger. And it says, it's almost like they get a little titillation out of being shocked. It's almost like that.

I think that's really well written. And it's really funny, too, because when I watched it, I didn't notice that they had a wedding ring on. It didn't even occur to me. And then I guess when I watched it a second time, when I was masturbating later, I was. Talking about lifestyles, there's been a whole new group of artists that have come into the rock scene in the last several years. We'll call them transvestites or perhaps the bisexuals. All right. So this next story isn't a story.

This is from YouTube. This is Pastor Steven Anderson. Cecil. Steven Anderson. This is that fucking crazy, super ultra hate-filled guy. Yeah. What is he? He's famous for standing up to the cops and getting beat up.

Remember? He did that. Yeah. And then he's also the, you know, women should get off of fucking Farmville or whatever and make me a sandwich. I think that's why Caitlyn Jenner became a woman, was to play Farmville all day, right? Yeah, right. Yeah. So that's what he's talking about. He's the Farmville guy, and he's going to talk about Caitlyn Jenner.

And I'm just going to let him say it. We're not even going to say what he says because it's just so much fun to hear him say it. And this is from a YouTube page called Bad Preachers, by the way. We're using their video. We're actually linking to it. You know, this week, this filthy sodomite picture is everywhere and people are showing this transvestite or transgender or whatever this guy is.

You know what I'm talking about? This athlete or whoever he is i don't know who it is i'd never even heard of him before this week bruce jenner and dick this guy is starting off on the right foot though right i mean starting off on the right foot first calling her by the name that she doesn't go by anymore calling her bruce and that's ridiculous right and then also you know using the wrong gender pronoun and then the fucking totally obviously disingenuous like oh i didn't even know who it was you know fuck you yes you did yeah yes you fucking did you liar you are lying liar this guy dvr is the

kardashian right kidding has basically mutilated his body, apparently. And, you know what? He's being praised by our president. Our President Obama is praising him for, or praising her. We don't even know what it is. What a dick. What a fucking awful human. You know, I will say, though, to be perfectly fair, I don't know what this pastor is because I would not consider his comments to be fucking human.

Right. I wouldn't consider him to be a human. Oh, it gets worse, too. I think that he used the female pronoun about somebody named Bruce. Her name isn't Bruce. Her name is Caitlin. Fuckhead. And said, you know, oh, oh, such courage.

You're so wonderful. You know, our president is praising the wicked here. Okay. And there's just all the, and I mean, this filthy pervert is just like on all these magazine covers and just. How do you know she's a pervert? Right? What is it? You have no idea if she's a pervert.

She's a pervert. She's a perfectly average vanilla fucking missionary sex. Like, what do you mean pervert? You know, the thing is she could be asexual. Like, the fact that she is transgender has nothing to do. It speaks nothing about her sexuality. It has nothing to do with it. It speaks to her gender identity.

What an idiot. Everywhere just being crammed on our throat. Crammed on our throat. Crammed on our throat. This is just, he's just jealous that nobody's cramming anything down his throat.

That's it. He's just, he's just so sad that he can't fucking gag, you know, fucking dumbass. And how is it crammed on your throat if you happen to see a magazine?

I don't understand that at all. Everybody's saying that, oh, she's in our face, she's in our face. Fuck off. I didn't even pay attention to Caitlyn Jenner. Right. I didn't pay attention to it one bit. The only reason I'm paying attention to it is because Jagoff's like, you were bringing it up. I don't even care.

What does that mean? It's like, oh, it's in my face. In the sense that you saw a thing at the supermarket? Oh, gosh. Is that in your face? So is fucking Britney Spears' divorce or whatever is fucking popular right now. Or that some celebrity got fat. Every meaningless fucking tabloid gossip bullshit then is in your face.

Fucking Weekly World News bat boy is then in my face. These perverted bat children. This guy looks like the bat boy with a beard. He does look like the bat boy with a beard. To literally like hundreds of millions of people, literally hundreds of millions of people are being subjected to looking at a trans freak. What a dick. What a dick. Wow.

The worst part is that it keeps getting worse. Dude, he's just a duty head caller, though. Yeah, he really is. And this person is just the evangelist of sodomy and filth to the world. And you know what? And people, and then, and then people are like,

Oh, we need to pray for him that he finds Jesus. I'm going to pray that he dies and goes to hell. Are you serious? Wow. You know, of all the people though, that are out there that are actually reading that book and using it,

that guy, I think as the closest interpretation to what the actual book is saying. When we talk about fundamentalists, right? When we say the fundamentalist is the one that picks and chooses the stuff that is more adherent to the religion, he's just adhering more closely to religion than the moderates are. But Cecil, here's the part that I am genuinely confused about.

There's no need to pray for that to happen. If this is really the truth, if your book is really true, you don't have to pray for her to die and go to hell. She will eventually die and she will eventually go to hell according to your book. There's no need to ask for it. Look, I have nothing but hate when I see a man dressed up as a woman who has mutilated his body to become a woman and saying, hey, look at me, everybody. Look at me, kids. I mean, the kids in America today, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 years old are seeing this freak. 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. Counting is a thing I can do.

I'll tell you this. i'll refute that directly i have an eight-year-old who has no idea this is going on because we don't fucking talk about because this is not a relevant character in our homes and even if it was it wouldn't be that hard of a talk no oh i wouldn't no don't get wrong. I wouldn't shy away from the conversation, not for a fucking second. But the conversation doesn't come up because we're not – we don't follow – when Caitlyn identified as Bruce, we didn't follow sports and that's what he was famous for initially. And then Bruce Jenner was famous for being the father of the Kardashians, which I don't follow the Kardashians. And neither. So I would never talk to my eight year old about the fucking Kardashians. And then Bruce became Caitlyn.

I didn't care because that's a person's personal fucking decision. So I wouldn't come up. My house is really easy to not expose your kids. If you're fucking a weird, but butt hurt fucking insulate your worldview asshole if you really wanted it's real easy yeah don't bring it up yep and having their minds perverted and ruined permanently i hope i listen to me i hate him with a perfect hatred i have no love no No love for this Bruce freak. He mad. He's so mad.

He mad. You know, here's the thing. I don't love you either, Pastor Steven. Yeah, dude. I don't love you. I don't hate you, but I got no love for you, big guy. Yeah, and I don't pray that the guy dies, but I don't know that I would be sad in the least if the guy died. I wouldn't care at all if all a hate-filled man died

yeah all right real sad yeah but it's also like i'm not sad that he doesn't love me looking for your love it doesn't matter that you're not giving it to me well the best part about this whole thing is that there's like a a tree that's next to him that's made out of like paper mache or something. And it's got leaves on it. And behind him is this wall with painted leaves. He looks like he's on display at a museum. There should be a stuffed raccoon sitting next to him or something. That's what it looks like.

It's awesome. He should be on a display of antiquated ideas. Yeah, exactly. I hope he dies today. I hope he dies and goes to like. It's awesome. He should be on a display of antiquated ideas. Yeah, exactly. I hope he dies today. I hope he dies and goes to hell. He's disgusting. He's filthy. He's reprobate.

And I would pray all these prayers from Psalm 69. Psalm 69. I like ministry too, dude. Bravo, bro. The way to succeed and the way to suck eggs. How could you say that? Well, how did God say it? I pray all this in Psalm 69 and

Psalm 109 toward him. You evil, filthy animal that's destroying the morals of our country. Die! Die! He's pointing at the camera He's like shaking This dude is outstandingly stupid

Oh you're hateful No I'm loving I love my children I love my country I love the brotherhood And I hate these filthy sons of Belial Belial Belial Belial?

Belial? Belial. These filthy sons of... When you say it like that, it sounds like it's not a real thing, Tom. Oh, gosh. And they're giant eagles. They fly it on and they're... Whatever, man. And they're giant eagles. They fly it on and they're whatever, man. Cares.

And I will not worship the one ring to rule them all. I'm calling Soron and telling on you. It's they're disgusting and sick. Oh, pray for him. Oh, we need to love him and pray for him, help him find Jesus. That guy will never find Jesus. The Bible says he's reprobate. The Bible explains why people would lust after other men when they're a man. Because they're reprobate. Because they've been darkened. And you say, well, I'm offended. I don't want to ever. Then get out of here.

Because you know what? You're not welcome here welcome here honestly nobody who defends that freak is welcome in this church good because your church isn't welcome in the united states of america yeah oh man you're gonna lose all seven of your fucking congregation i know yeah you can't fucking sit in your fucking paper mache tree swing as if as if there was somebody about to walk through the door yeah of your fucking hate church filled with your crazy bigotry and it's like you're not welcome here like oh it's never happening nobody cares that you don't like them that's the part you're missing it's he's got fucking road rage without the road. He does. It's more like nerd rage.

So mad. So we want to thank our most recent patrons, the ones that just became patrons to our show. Nicholas, Aaron, Badger, Brandy, Dan in Japan, N japan nasser jex butt i like that one that's great tom weed lord boner hitler is that what this is boner hitler is that what that is we're taking money from weed lord boner hitler no that's one personedlord Boner Hitler. And then to top it off, Queef Latina and then Lil Buckaroo are all the new patrons. We want to thank you all so very much for donating your hard-earned money. We also, Tom, we got a few one-time donations as well. We did. We got PayPal donations from Richard, Cheyenne, and Jason.

Thank you very much. Very generous of you. And your donations went a long way for paying for the Statesboro Food Bank, which we donated $2,000 to. And we also just donated $500 to the Atheist Alliance of America for their college scholarship that they give out every year. So we gave $500. We think it might have doubled then, but we're not sure. They might actually give out two. We're not sure which one they're going to do. But keep your ears open for that. We'll be posting some information about it when they said they're going to change a flyer.

And once they do, we'll be posting some information about it. We'll probably be changing. They're probably going to be sending a sound clip too. But we wanted to say that thank you for your donations because we were able to give away in the last month $2,500. So thank you all so very much. Yeah, we're grateful for the opportunity to be of assistance to the people in need. We can only do that because we have the generous donations of our patrons and of our PayPal donors. So again, thank you very much. I think it would be great, Cecil, at some point to set up a Liberty University scholarship.

I think so too. That would be pretty hilarious. That's my five-year goal for the show. a Liberty University scholarship. I think so, too. That would be pretty hilarious. That's my five-year goal for the show. A Liberty University scholarship. It should just be fucking like a go-kart to get away from Liberty University.

It would be awesome to have actually a scholarship for people who fucking lose their faith that are going to a Christian university to go to a secular university. To make that transfer. That would be a really cool scholarship to put together. And if Liberty University is that place

then we could actually use the scholarship to pay for mercenaries to go in and kidnap them out of there. A-team style. That would be a good use of funds in my opinion. If you can find them you can hire the Cognitive Dissonance crew. We're not going to do any of that.

No. I'll pay for it, but I ain't putting that in there. Yeah, I'll write a check, but I don't want to do a thing. I can't even fit in those camouflage pants they wear. Look, I could get in the vehicle because it's a van. It's a cargo van. It's a big van. But that becomes a one-passenger van

when I read it. Yeah, and you're really close to the load limit at that point. I mean, I have to drive. It's literally me. It's just me. Yeah.

Yeah. We got a couple of reviews, a few reviews this week. We want to thank everybody who reviews us on iTunes, except for the people who give us one-star reviews, like tell those people

to go fuck themselves. If you are a fan of the show and you're a recent fan of the show and you ever rate us on iTunes, except for the people who give us one-star reviews, like tell those people to go fuck themselves. If you are a fan of the show and you're a recent fan of the show and you ever rate us on iTunes, we'd really love a good five-star review on iTunes if you could find it in your heart to give us one. If you don't like the show, I don't know why you're listening, please find another show. Maybe you could skip reviewing us if you don't like the show.

It might be something you do. I know I've never rated a show I don't listen to or like but you know what your fucking mileage may vary but we'd really appreciate a few reviews to sort of push down the negative douchebags who think that we laugh a lot i guess is what they don't like yeah they'd like us to stop having fun yeah and then we'll stop doing the show stop having fun making your podcast damn it right we got a message from d and d says as a redhead i can i take offense at the word ginger the same way uh people hate the n word that's our word and you can say ginger but don't use our word or person with ginger virus person with ginger virus i love that's great shit we got a message from amy and amy uh talks about a lot

of different things but at the bottom she says work distribution does tom really do as little work as is implied in the podcast or is a sarcastic running joke it's a sarcastic running joke tom does an immense amount of work for the show i mean just an absolute ton of work it is it's mind-boggling how much time Tom spends on this podcast every week. I'm just always in awe at the sort of just the amount of time with a family. Nonetheless, this guy just finds the time to work on this show tirelessly. And Tom, my hat's off to you, buddy. Well, you know, it's about time i got the praise

and the recognition that i so deeply deserve yeah sure for my minutes a month yeah spent extracurricularly off the i mean last week last week we recorded a two hour episode late and it was terrible and i had to edit it down and I spent eight and a half hours editing that show. That's one show. That's one show. Consider, hold on a second, consider that I texted with you about it.

And you are pushing it, my friend. I know, I know, I am, I know. We got a message from Zach, and Zach said at the bottom of his PS, he said, yeah, Louisiana is basically a dumpster fire state. Which, I mean, Mississippi isn't much better, but yeah, still Louisiana sucks. That's really funny. That's awesome. Dumpster fire state.

I love it. Tom, we got a message from Ryan that a a lot of people don't get it and this is actually really really well written yeah i thought this was great dear dear tom and cecil after catching up on several episodes i've noticed a trend some listeners who may have grown up in more repressive areas like the south or nebraska seem to be confused on how to use swear words because they hear you guys swear liberally they figure they can swear at you and call you names. Hearing someone end their message with something like, glory hole, you motherfuckers, makes me think, whoa, what did Tom and Cecil do to you? It must have been pretty bad that you decided to call them motherfuckers.

That's something you'd say when you're angry that Pat Robertson thinks your dead baby may be the next Hitler. So maybe it's a good thing your baby is dead. Motherf h robertson you ignorant piece of dog shit i almost wish there were a hell so you could go there now that's how you should direct your anger with swear words not at the fine hosts let's keep it civil isn't that what the show is all about and then he ends it with glory hole gentlemen thank Thank you very much. Thank you very, very much. That's awesome, Ryan. Thank you. So we got an interesting question from James, Tom. We did. James says,

I might have to go in your back catalog for the answer, but I'm wondering what your guys' thoughts are on people who make arguments for religion not being the problem, but people and how they use it as the problem. And then he kind of elucidates some examples. He says basically that religion isn't the problem. It's people that use the problem. And then he kind of elucidates some examples. He says, you know, basically that religion isn't the problem. It's people that use the religion.

Do you guys think that religion finally needs to be taken out of our country completely because of how it seemingly is so at risk for being exploited by people who want to do harm? Yeah. My thought is that I come at this a little bit differently. So I don't think that there is such a thing as I I mean there is no such thing as religion without people, right? Yeah. So I don't think you can separate those things and say, well, it's not religion's fault. It's the people.

Well, religion is just a set of ideas that people hold. Yeah. If all the people on earth fucking voiped tomorrow and no longer existed, religion would no longer exist because it's not true right it's not a thing that that exists outside of us because it's not fucking true so the only place that religion exists is within the heads of people the ideas and in the in the in the emotional centers of people so i do think that religion is a problem because religion is a set of ideas about the world that are baseless, that contain no facts. And I do think that people frequently use religion as an excuse or as a motivator to either commit violence or to convince other

people to commit violence. So in that respect, for me, religion as a set of ideas is valueless. It's a thing that people hold as true, which isn't true. And I find that to be in and of itself, that is enough for me to say that religion is valueless. Now, whether or not it should be removed from America, it should be removed from America, um, it should be removed in the sense that all bad ideas should be replaced by better ideas. And that's not done by legislation or force, but that's done, you know, through social

engineering and saying, you know, Hey, let's, let's replace bad ideas with better ones. We got a message from Wolfwing and, uh, uh woof wing i we had gotten your message before but and i had answered it but sometimes i even cut uh the uh i wind up cutting the email portion too when i edit because sometimes the uh the email portion gets a little boring and i got a little too technical when i answered your podcast your podcast question so a couple people sent in podcast questions i'm going to try to answer them super fast. The first question was do you guys don't record

in the same space? This person was confused that we didn't record in the same space. And no, we don't record in the same space very often. In fact, right now in this whole show, we were 40 miles apart. The distance between Tom and I is 40 miles or sometimes up to two hours in a car because of Chicago Road.

So it's very difficult to be in the same place. So what we do is record on Skype. Tom records his end. I record my end. And then Tom sends me the file. And then I edit them. And what I do is I actually take out, because there's like a millisecond delay in Skype, I wind up cutting those portions out so that you don't notice there's a delay, but there is a delay. So when you hear us, it sounds like we're just sort of rambling and talking, but I wind up cutting out all of the parts of the show

where we're either looking for something on the internet or Tom's farting or whatever, and I try to make sure that everything sort of cohesively goes together. And then your question is, Wolf wanted to know if there was any tips to starting a new podcast, particularly one that wants to follow in the footsteps of zero effort, zero research, and finding someone to do all the work. Yeah. I would suggest cultivating one of your friends, maybe paying for them to go to a class on audio editing, getting them very excited about it, and then suggesting the podcast idea to them so that they could then feasibly do it.

That would be my suggestion. And it helps if their job, their actual job, involves audio editing and podcasting. I can speak to this as the one who does none of the work. That's really useful. It turns out that's helpful. We got a ton of messages. And actually, I want to play a voicemail right now about the military prayer, Tom. We talked about the military prayer last time.

Someone had said that they didn't know what to do when the people that were talking about the prayer took their hats off. And they started to not take their hat off. And there was a little blowback and they weren't sure what to do we got tons of people who sent in messages uh and most of the messages we got said don't you don't have to stand for that there's plenty of places where you can actually you can report those people you're not supposed to they're not supposed to force you to do prayer one person said that they actually say uh separation of church and state, motherfucker, or they say, fuck your imaginary God,

and they walk away while they're doing it. But I want to play this voicemail because this was the only dissenting opinion we got, and this is a voicemail we got. Hey, Jason, Tom, this is Mike. I was just listening to the recent episode where one of the military service members was talking about bowing his head

during prayer prior to mission. As a fellow veteran and Marine, I just want to say something that the people going out on that mission with you arguably are willing to put themselves in front of very dangerous situations to protect you. And so using the comparison to being inside someone's house and respecting their traditions, I feel that in my experience, I simply bowed my head during those prayers because that simple tone of respect is almost implicit to the unique cohesion necessary to put yourselves in danger for one another and that that should come firsthand over your personal beliefs or ideals as you're there for one another to live through it. And if that's what gives those guys the sense of security to go out and do it,

then go ahead and bow your head and play the part, but just don't have to agree with it or, you know, do the cross sign or what you were saying. So that's my piece from a two-war Marine veteran, at least my opinion, not saying that has to be the way it is, but that's what I think. So you can hear that that voicemail specifically, they said, yeah, if you're going to go out and you're going to wind up maybe possibly laying down your life or they're laying down their life for you, is it that big a deal that you're just bowing your head before you go out respectively? Yeah, I think that's a great point. I think it was very cogently expressed. So it's not a situation I've ever been in. It's a world I'm always reluctant to speak about, you know, what what it would be like or what people should do in the military.

I feel like that's a culture unto itself that I don't feel entitled to speak to. So I'm going to read this. This is section 365 of the Canadian Criminal Code. It says everyone who fraudulently A. pretends to exercise or to use any kind of witchcraft, sorcery, enchantment, or conjuration. Isn't it all

pretend? Yeah. How would you fraudulently pretend to exercise it? I't know i don't understand how that way i guess like fraudulently in the sense that you're committing an act of fraud but you're pretending i don't understand i feel like that's i feel like those words aren't doing the right thing together that's it's awesome it's it's pretty great. It's hilarious. And I love that the other one is, pretends from his skill or knowledge of an occult or crafty science to discover or where or who cares. Crafty science made me laugh.

I love that, too. It's a crafty science. It's a crafty science. Yeah. One of those crafty ones. We got a message from Galen. We totally missed this last time. He says, you guys totally messed up on the reason why conservatives are so riled up

about, riled up about Charlie. Charlie says it's a Mexican demon and he's here stealing American demon jobs. That was great. They're going to have to, you know, I wonder like,

how do you detain a Mexican demon? Do you have to deport a Mexican demon? How does this work? This is awesome. I wonder, how do you detain a Mexican demon? Do you have to deport a Mexican demon? How does this work? This is awesome. It's great. Oh, it's so funny. And I wanted to mention, too, that I actually read a Snopes article about that Charlie Charlie thing. And it looks like we were wrong.

It wasn't created by a marketing, or at least Snopes doesn't think it was created by a marketing person. Instead, it seems that the marketing people picked it up because it just so happened that their demon in their movie was named Charlie. And so they're like, jackpot. And they just ran with an already viral sort of thing. It's a convenient confluence of timing. Exactly. It's almost like it's demonic we got a message from Lum or Loom, I'm not sure how you pronounce it

and we just want to say thank you Loom you're I think our first Malaysian listener, so awesome yeah, that's amazing, he emailed us, he, she, I don't even know emailed us from Kuala Lumpur in the capital city of Malaysia.

That sounds delicious. Is that like a curry? I had one of those earlier, and it was outstanding. So you've got a delicious country. That's all I'm saying. It's like shaved ice with curry paste. It was delicious. Oh, man.

With a lime rind on top. Stop saying things. We got a great message from wiki and the message is titled my dad and here's the message my dad mows his lawn on tuesday afternoons thanks wiki that's great that's awesome all right we're so happy that's cool he does that it's really good i mean you gotta get hats off to a guy who does it weekly. Because I used to own a house and fuck doing it weekly. That's all I'm saying.

Man, the people around here mow their lawn like three, four times a week. Jesus Christ, how do you have that much time on your hands? It used to be the best I could do is every third week. Every third week? It used to be a jungle. It's a fucking savannah back there i used to have one

of those one of those crazy like what do they call those things those fucking uh mr hungry whatever those things are that like eat trees or whatever basically dr field brush mower that's it mr hungry i think you're like you're back there there's a fucking cheetah stalking a gazelle yeah you have no idea well that wraps it up for this week um let's see i don't think anything important is going to be happening we are going to have a second show next week so that will be our fifth and sixth shows of june will be happening next week so we're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit couched in scientician, double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment.

Leo, Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts. Shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your signs. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. or of the local dairy council. you