Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 237: We are the Champions

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

 

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey guys, this is Kelly from Kentucky. I'm actually just moved here from Arkansas and I went through the old podcast and I got to the one where you're making fun of Arkansas and talking about pigs and stuff, and I thought y'all would just find it funny that about two years ago, I was tusked in the leg by a hog in Arkansas, and it was the most interesting experience of my life. When I actually went to the emergency room, I had to tell the sheriff that I was tusked by a hog, and he thought I was kidding. But anyway, I love the show. Keep doing what you're doing. Glory on, motherfuckers. Gentlemen, James from the Australian city of Jakedown here,

otherwise known to the older folk, lunch really with the times, as Brisbane. I was very intrigued to learn in your latest episode that there is a brand of narcotic painkillers in the US called Norco. There is also a brand of milk in the wonderful Australian state of New South Wales called Norco. I drank a lot of Norco growing up, and that probably explains a lot about my childhood. And probably most of my adulthood as well.

Oh, and I also need to correct Jake, the capital city of Australia is actually Canberra, which happens to be the only city which resides in the Australian Capital Territory. Which is important to note, because it just goes to show how pointless the ACT actually is. Anyway, glory hole. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical.

It's political. And there is no welcome at this is episode 237 of Cognitive Dissonance. We have no guest. No. It's just us. You know, after the fucking bang-up job that fucking Jake from Imaginary Friends show did just a few short episodes ago. The 100% accurate Jake from Imaginary Friends. Who just comes out here?

I think when Jake comes on our show, he puts in two or three falsehoods just to throw them in there. Just so people will send us messages afterwards he was clearly either inebriated or he said he doesn't even remember the session i know he said this the thing like yeah i'm not sure if i even yeah yeah just it's just debauch that's awesome so you know it the best part is that on his worst day, he's still outclassed. It's true. It's true. Percent. So I'm glad we scheduled him to come on.

And we did schedule him. so our first story uh comes from the news no it comes from washingtonpost.com islamic state beheads civilian woman for the first time yeah oh no that's not a cause for celebration god damn it yeah put away your fucking put away your party horn right it's like oh man women are finally getting the right to be back yeah this is not a time to like festively play your kazoo but they had i mean to be fair they had a good reason it was for witchcraft and sorcery yeah and it wasn't let's let's be honest here it's not just the it's not just the women isis executed two women by beheading them but for the first time and this is the first time uh the observatory has documented women being killed by the group in this manner

both women were executed with their husbands right yeah i mean it's not like they're just killing women and they i'm sure the husbands are like wait wait i'm not in a witchcraft i just support her hobby come on now i'm just here i'm just i thought i thought she was scrapbooking the whole time. God damn it. Poppets? I didn't tell you to make poppets. Son of a bitch. Goody Proctor, what are you up to? She's got a scrapbook that she opens up.

It's full of human flesh. It's like the Necronomicon. You know, it's so funny. I don't think that's the right word. But you read it. It's hilarious. Beheaded women. Because none of it's funny.

So it does say Islamic State has, of course, beheaded many people before. As if to imply, like, but this is the first time they got around to beheading women. And so you sort of think, like, until you read the very next line, which I'll read in a second. So if you were to read this, you'd be like, oh, well, maybe the Islamic State up until now has spared women from the brunt of their brutality. The very next line, the group has also killed many women, reportedly burning some alive and stoning others to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stoning others to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and let's not just – I mean they're getting a little creative because it says that they also reported that the Islamic State also hung eight people from crucifixes for failing to fast during Ramadan. But those that were punished were taken down while they were still alive. And actually I think that's a misunderstanding. I think that's actually footage of the ISIS tanning salon. Oh, no! That's how they get that bronze skin you know really looks great they are running out of creative ways to kill people though it's almost like the guy

who's like you know looking through porn and eventually like gets to the animal porn he's like yeah okay and he starts and eventually he's like searching for a guy in a chicken suit fucking an eagle he's just like for a guy in a chicken suit fucking an eagle. He's just like, I need everything. These guys, they're going to be killing people like Dexter eventually.

They're like saran wrapping you to a table and cutting out organs while you're still alive. But let me even, I mean, that actually doesn't even seem that much more brutal. It doesn't. No. Then drowning someone in a cage? No, not at all. Or burning them alive. I mean, like, that's just, you know, you say, like, creative. It's like, it's not even that creative.

You're looking at, like, some 2,000-year-old technology here. Like, I'd like to see, I mean, if you're going to horrifyingly murder people for fucking imaginary made-up reasons. Yeah, why not drone strike them? Like witchcraft. Well, why not tie them to a broom and like launch the broom off a missile or something like you want to be a witch here's your witch broom now you know at least give him a last ride something exciting one last quidditch game i made a harry potter catch the bludger now you bitch okay! Okay, you lost me. Yeah, all right, I know.

I know. I also made a crucible joke a little earlier. This is already... It's a very literary show. We've worked up so bad. It's very literary. Right, right. It's a very literary program.

What's the next story on the schedule, Tom? Oh, we're going to discuss the old man in the sea, right? Oh, we're going to discuss the old man in the sea. You're all sick. Oh, be nice. Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay. Oh, my God.

What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance now. card we play hard so this story comes from addictinginfo.org uh utah republicans draft a bill to get rid of all marriages to prevent gay marriage well fuck them all cecil fuck them all i'm taking my ball the nuclear option right there they just went straight to the nuclear option. There's a lot of people who want to say that there's that saying. What was it? It's something like gay marriage.

Thinking that gay marriage should be illegal is like getting mad at somebody because they ate a donut and you're on a diet. Right. That's the saying something like that. Right. But I think this is more like hearing your neighbors on a diet and then poisoning the local. Well, I think that's more because you're basically just being like,

nobody can do anything anymore. Right. Or it's like setting explosives off underneath town hall. It's just a really strange way to make sure nobody's nobody fucking wins in this. If anything, and I didn't actually think that this was possible but it occurred to me see so that this actually makes utah even less appealing

as a state i i and i know what you're thinking tom nothing could make utah less appealing as a state it's all right we have to remember that it existed it's already a swast state it's already one of those states that like when you walk through, your fucking underwear are soaked to your body. And all you did was just get out of the car and fill the thing up with gas. That's all you did. And it's a swast state. This is one of those states that, you know, it's like the Republicans are like, well, fine, nobody can get married. It's like, well, I don't think there's any young people there.

Like the only people left in Utah are the dead and dying. Yeah. Right? Because anybody fucking ambulatory fucking ambulates right the fuck out of Utah. Yeah. It's dead, dying, and meth users. Like that's it. They're not exactly a marrying population, it turns out.

The meth users. The Mormons. I met Mormons. Same it turns out, the meth users. The Mormons. I meant Mormons. Same difference. I heard the same thing. You know, it's funny because this is according to Representative Jake Anderag, and he's a Republican. Shocker.

He says, I'd like to see us out of the marriage business and out of liquor distribution business. I thought, wait a minute. How the fuck are they tied together? Like, what's the connection there? And also, it's like, wait a second. You just license liquor distribution. You don't actually distribute liquor. You understand that, right? That's not the same thing as a marriage license actually grants the marriage.

A liquor license doesn't actually give me liquor. I still have to. If it did, I would own a liquor license. I would always have a liquor license. It would be amazing. I'm drinking right now. I keep a liquor license in my wallet. You're like a leprechaun.

You poke a hole in the ground and up comes a spring of whiskey. God damn it. It's Canadian mist. Oh, no. that's magically delicious fucking hell man fucking hell this comes from the bathios blogs progressive secular humanist um christian i don't even know how to read this. Fuck you, Texas. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Christian homeschooler will chair Texas State Board of Education. Wow. Are you fucking kidding me? So the governor of Texas, Greg Abbott, named a Christian homeschooler to chair the State Board of Education. So they appointed Donna Behorich. Nailed it.

That's got to be right. She didn't send her kids to public school. She is a Christian. She's an ultra-Christian conservative. She attended Liberty University. She sent them to a private religious high school. Why the fuck would she be a candidate at all? At all to chair the state board?

She probably can't even spell state board. She went to Liberty University. Come on. That's a prestigious university. All I hear when I hear liberty university is i hear like hi dr nick i know upstairs medical college it's like all i hear man liberty fucking university is not an accredited yeah liberty university and phoenix university play each other in the playoffs every year i think i think in texas didn't they appoint ted nugent in charge of pita too isn't that

we'll just let this fox guard the hen house and see oh wait fuck oh no they hired bristol palin for their sex ed program right for their for their abstinence-only education program. Did you see, by the way, that she had the nerve to be like, I was never an abstinence-only. I was never a paid spokesperson for abstinence-only education. It's like, bitch, you got paid $236,000 a year from an organization whose website. What? She got paid what? For the what?

I know! What? For $236,000 a year, I would agree not to have sex. And then you know what I would do? I would actually not have sex! For a quarter million dollars? I'll tell you what, for a quarter million dollars,

yeah, I'd probably just, you know, I wouldn't have sex with women. Dude, I'd just fucking spunk on them. I don't care. I'll buy a real doll. I'll buy a whole harem. Who's it going to be today, girls? Which lucky lady is going to be bed and time?

I didn't think you girls could frown. I thought you guys were always had that expression. That startled O expression. Yeah, that startled O face. It's the O face. I have like a little tea party with him where you sit him all around the room. You go visit your real dog collection. You're like, why do you always look so surprised to see me?

Always. The same expression. I would name them, like, really old-timey names like Bertha and, like, all, like, turn-of-the-century names. Come here, Gertie. I'm going to give you. You got me. I would name them the names of all the Republican primary candidates. Like, get over here, Santorum. we know how we're doing this one rick perry take it in the mouth

you have four of them there's like sarah palin one sarah palin oh we're talking about even trying anymore dude it's so funny texas is hilarious you know what i mean i'm sure she's you know maybe she has an i don't know if she has an education or not but it's like like the thing is is here's a person who didn't like public schooling at all didn't care about public schooling at all wound up sending their kids to a private institution. Now, maybe it's because she didn't like public schools and she wants to try to reform them in some way. But, you know, you've got to have a little experience with it. Well, you know, I love it because even even a fellow Republican state board member, Thomas Ratliff, public school isn't for everybody. But when 94% of our students in Texas attend public schools, I think it ought to be a baseline requirement that the chair of the State Board of Education have at least some experience in that realm as a parent, a teacher, something.

I mean, when the requirement is simply that you parented a child who went to the school. Yeah, that is seriously the lowest possible bar to cross in order to chair the State Board of Education. And did you see, by the way, just this week they passed like the new school books in Texas that call Moses a founding father? What? Yeah, that's great. Moses is a founding father. What? Yeah, dude. Moses is a founding father? Yeah, it's awesome. Wait, did he come over on the Mayflower?

What the fuck? Yeah, man. So the school books now, the history books in Texas that they just like they just approved. Right. The Board of Education approved them. And of course, we know that the Texas school books are a big deal because Texas being the second largest state in the country. Those books are often purchased in mass by others. In fact, they the books were edited. Cecil, even at the the publishers themselves of the textbooks protested like this is

fucking inaccurate you understand that this shit is fucking inaccurate it like leaves out slavery in the civil war you know what's so sad is you get these you get these gains right you see these gains here and there and then you realize we're going to be doing this podcast for a really long time man yeah oh yeah shit's not going to get better this is not going away and you know what the the real shame is that like part of me kind of likes texas except for all the texans like i i like the idea of texas i like going to texas i like the heat i like the but man you go to texas and it's fucking full of texans yeah and all they do is churn out more texans and if you churn them out using fucking textbooks like this approved by people who don't even attend the same schools that they're in charge of of monitoring

it's like well fuck you man like all you're gonna do is make more texans dirty filthy stinking awful covered texans you can take fucking you know you like the heat i just say fucking just if you could put some explosives at the count at the line the state line and just break that fucker off into the ocean i'd be fine it's a state basically covered in dust and pig feces donald trump often appears on fox which is ironic because a fox often appears on donald trump's head donald trump i love donald trump this story's amazeballs it's from yahoo.com donald trump piñatas are for sale in mexico after inflammatory immigrant remarks donald trump's the worst person possible he's such an awful awful fucking person did you hear what he said about uh jeb bush's wife no he said something to the effect of like the only reason jeb bush disagrees with

me on immigration is because his wife is mexican and she's colombian he's so culturally insensitive it's the best he's the best he tweeted it out and it was out there in the fucking twitter sphere for like 24 hours before he took it down and i had a laugh that even took it down because like it's fucking asshole once it's out there yeah it's fucking forever out there you fucking dip shit what an asshole um so he just says like constantly horrifying shit um and now they're selling piñatas and the piñatas are straight fucking amazing i'll tell you that is the least fuckable blow-up doll i've ever seen the least fuckable one although the mouth is in a position right now that could receive that's all i'm saying oh my god it's so funny it's it's the funniest fucking thing but the hair on the pinata and really and the only way you could accurately portray his hair is with paper mache

like that's the only way you could accurately portray it. You could also shoot a dozen squirrels and glue them to the top of the thing. That would also be... When you break it open, it's just filled with old wedding rings. From his previous marriages. I don't have much to say

other than it's a hilarious fucking representation. So if you get a chance, check this story out because it's so funny. It looks its mouth is kind of open in this square like it's got the hair that sort of swoops off to the side like a quarter pipe fashion. Do they even they even paper mache jowls? They did. They did. It was a level of craftsmanship. There is this paper mache. You know, these did. They did. It looks great. There is a level of craftsmanship to this paper mache.

There is. You know, these Mexicans, they are good at this. I'm telling you. That's the thing. It's when you've got calves the size of cantaloupes. I know. Yeah. You can make paper mache.

When they spend all those hours in the paper mache factory. Factories. Getting caught in the paper mache rollers. Oh, God. There you go. We lost another one. we lost another one we lost another don't worry he'll live forever in a pinata until a six-year-old smashes him open gary bucey said recently that donald trump would make a great president of course he said the same thing about an old rusty bird cage he found so this story comes from cnbc it's also from uh it's also a

trump story this is great um craft brewery to trump uh you're fired this is great a chicago area craft brewer um basically told him to go fuck off so five rabbit brewery um great brewery by the way used to have an exclusive private label beer just for rebar which is a bar um in the Tower. And after fucking Trump's recent ridiculous statements, the owner and founder of the brewery pulled all the beer out of there. Yeah. And renamed it Cecil. So they called their beer Chinga Tupelo, which, Tom, what does that mean?

It's fuck your hair. It's just so crazy. By the way, I was out one day and that fucking five rabbits, I was at a place and they're like, yeah, we got this five rabbits and I never heard of it. And I said, well, I like pilsners and they brought me their super pills. It is fucking outstanding. It is one of the best beers I've ever had. I've never had their super. Their super pills is amazing.

It is. It is top notch beer. It like basically face fucks anything from australia or england or canada like all that stuff is swill compared to that beer and this is mexican beer oh no send the emails to dissonance cecil at dissonance pod.com so from the raw story also donald trump and i think this is my favorite of the three trump stories uh cnn host calls out donald trump what's traditional about what's traditional about being married three times um so this is pretty

great jake tapper um was interviewing trump and trump basically was like yeah i'm for fucking traditional marriage and he's like yeah you've been fucking married three times what the fuck is traditional about that and trump cannot come up with a coherent answer cecil no he just basically says he kind of he kind of dodges it by saying he starts to say that i i worked a lot he says something like oh you know you have a good point. I've been a very hardworking person and actually I have a great marriage and I have a great wife now and my first two wives were very good.

Like, what the fuck does that mean, dude? It means they weren't young anymore. That's what it really means. That's so ridiculous. You know, the thing is, this is a great way to combat all the people who get fucking all bent out of shape over the people who want to get married and happen to be the same sex as their as their spouse. Right. You know, this is a great way to be like, how many fucking divorces has all have all of these people who are against gay marriage?

How many have they had? Because there's a there was a woman this last week, and I have no idea if this is true because it was on a meme, right? So, you know, fucking consume the internet with care. That's the first fucking thing you've got to do. I have no idea if this is true. But there was a woman who was on the,

I watched a video this week of this gay couple in Kentucky, and they went up to talk to a woman. There's somebody filming them and they're trying to get a marriage license and they won't serve them. They keep on calling people up past them and say, well, you got to wait until this woman's out. You got to wait till this woman's out, et cetera, et cetera. And then the woman finally comes out and they start to film her. And she says she doesn't want to be filmed. And basically she refused them the license off camera. They didn't get the license.

Again, you got to believe what's happening in the story. They refused the license because it was against her religious beliefs. But on the meme, it said refuses religious license, has been married four times. Yeah. And it's funny because it's just – this is obviously something that they're just seizing upon, right? And they're seizing upon it because they're one of three things, man. They're either theologically ignorant and they don't understand that there are bigger fucking theological fish to fry than whether or not two gay dudes or two gay women have sex with each other. two gay dudes or two gay women,

you know, have sex with each other or, um, you know, they're, uh, interested in having some sex themselves and full of fucking self loathing. Yes. You know,

that's, or they're just fucking skeeved out by it and they want to make it about more than just their personal feeling. So they want it. They're like, ah, fucking that makes me feel weird and creepy. And so,

you know, I'd rather just have some, some bigger reason. Cause if I just say it fucking makes me feel weird and creepy. And so, you know, I'd rather just have some bigger reason. Because if I just say it fucking makes me feel weird to see, like, you know, two people of the same sex kissing, then that's not a good enough excuse. And I can't universalize that properly. Because it has nothing to do, man. I mean, if they were going to look at the fucking New Testament, at least Jesus had something to say about divorce. And it wasn't anything like, go get thee a fucking divorce. Get divorce-ed.

Right? But there's no grand movement. And it's not because the issue is settled either. Because the issue of abortion is settled. And yet they still continue to fight that battle. Nobody's fighting the fucking divorce battle. Right? Because everybody kind of wants to maintain the option. That's why nobody's fighting the fucking divorce battle right because everybody kind of wants to

maintain the option that's why nobody's fighting it because everybody kind of wants to have in the fucking back pocket the option at some point if things go south to get a fucking divorce okay i'm i'm for divorce like i'm pro divorce like fucking get all the divorces yeah i don't care get married and divorced three times in the same day i don't give a fuck so i don't have a non-divorce position but what i'm saying is that like it it's a hundred percent right to call out trump on this shit because if you can't be for traditional marriages there'll be no reason to be for traditional marriage and also be for divorce you can't you cannot be for both things right how could you be for both things the the idea of traditional marriage these people aren't for traditional marriage because traditional

marriage is fucking somebody puts up a dowry right you know or you sell your fucking daughter to you know the or you marry off your fucking you know like fucking the ceo of fucking microsoft is gonna marry his daughter off to the ceo of fucking microsoft is gonna marry his daughter off to the ceo of apple yeah that's exactly right like that's if we were talking about real traditional marriage it would be marriages of political and economic convenience you know be marriages to solidify social standing and economic rank it would have nothing to do with well let's go meet some people and fall in love like Like, none of that shit. None of that shit.

None of that's traditional in the 2,000-year-old sense. Podcasters. They live in squalor, destitute, and disenfranchised, eking out an existence as best they can in such desolate places as Chicago. In pairs, but otherwise alone, they suffer from hunger and thirst, barely making it day to day on store-brand chicken wings and weak domestic beer. In the arms of the angel, fly away from here.

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as nature intended. Please, go to patreon.com backslash dissonance pod today, make a pledge, and help these poor, innocent creatures lead a life worth living. So from Progressive Secular Humanist Blog again, KKK rally in South Carolina to defend the Confederate flag and promote

the white Christian nation. So today, as a matter of fact, they were recording, I believe, South Carolina voted like 92 to 20. I mean, it was an overwhelming vote, Cecil, to take down the goddamn Confederate flag. Which, yay, because what?

Why was that up there anyway? But it cracks me up that there's all these fucking bigots who are trying to defend the Confederate flag as if it's a part of Southern heritage. And not like, oh, it's got nothing to do with race. It's got nothing to do with slavery. And then who rallies in its defense? KKK. Oh, do you mean Cobra commander? I don't mean Cobra commander, man.

I mean the pointy fucking pillowcase heads. Oh gosh. They look like Cobra dude. That's so awesome. I, you know, I can imagine that this was an intimidating group of people, like a horrifying, scary, terrifying group of people to have show up 40, 50, 60 years ago. But now that they're just a bunch of fucking sad, pathetic old men fucking writhing in the agony of their fucking bigotry they are the most fucking absolutely hilariously absurd group of people i know they look like it's fucking halloween every day they look so ridiculous fucking candy basket on their head they are awesome and they wear these like

goofy fucking outfits and then the best part is is like if you look at the flag in the bottom picture it's all creased. Like it has been hidden. It was like underneath one of their beds all week, and then they had to get out their good flag. I know they didn't even iron it. This is my good. They didn't even have it up for very long because a flag is going to fucking,

you know, you leave it fucking flapping the breeze for a couple hours. It's going to be fine. That clearly just came out from somebody's like glove box right y'all who y'all guys remember bring the flag i thought you were gonna bring the flag i bought one from i bought one from 7-eleven i got mine from hate mart oh gosh they look so they got their little badges on too did you get your little merit badge for you know pushing down a black person or whatever it is this is when we ganged up on somebody three to one that was great uh really this was this is our courage badge that's they all have the burning cross bladge over their heart there

well plus like you can look at this picture see so and you got the guy who who's like got the red fucking bed sheet costume oh he's the thing that he's wearing he's the leader they have they have the best names they're like the imperial grand wizard i know they're all wizards dude they're always well they all wear pointy hats it's it it it's it's honestly it's it's like they're all working at a fucking game shop. They are amazing. You know, they've got today. So I'm going to read something to you.

A friend of mine went to a game shop today. And before he went to the game shop, and I'm just reminded because I'm sure the same thing is at the fucking Ku Klux Klan fucking clubhouse, right? So before he went, he went online to check out to see if they had the thing that he wanted to buy. And they have a note, and I'm going to read it to you, right on their website. And it says, we need to quickly address an awkward topic. Poor personal hygiene. This is one of those tough parts of owning a business. Oh, no.

As we do appreciate each and every one of you but we need to make sure that everyone who visits the name of this shop uh has an enjoyable experience the issue has been brought to our attention unfortunately it's something we must address please understand we do not wish to embarrass or offend anyone however we are a business standing to provide an exceptional shopping experience and entertainment venue for everyone it is unacceptable to take away from the enjoyment of visiting our shop by subjecting anyone to offensive odors that you may not even be aware of for the comfort of all of our guests and customers, we respectfully request that everyone who visits our shop follow a basic daily routine of showering, applying deodorant, and wearing clean clothes. Did somebody, like...

Oh, God, I can't believe I have to take a shower. Do you believe? Before I go to my hate house, I get sweaty from burning all the black people. You stand around in a sheet like this all day. These things are made of linen. They're very hot. They're not wicking at all. It's a glandular problem.

Come on, I'm healthy at any size. My doctor said for a man my size, I move pretty good. I have a six centimeter vertical. These guys kind of look like they have capes on, too, don't they? I think the one in the red definitely has a green cape because he kind of has like, I think he's the Christmas version of the. It would be super fun to like to find that guy and like hold him down and like just wrap him up in Christmas lights. Just fucking have him as like a hate tree. I would love to run by as fast as I couldn't pluck their hood off though.

Oh, that would be awesome. Just to run by and be like, right. You pull it off in their cone heads underneath. It's just all hoods underneath. It's like rushing nesting dolls. It's like an infinite number of hoods. They got a little tiny head,

like at the end of beetlejuice it's like the guy who's running over the car he's got a bucket on his head they knock the bucket off and there's another bucket underneath or they all look like uh fucking that guy from goonies like oh yeah chunk or whatever his name is or no that's the kid but that's a fat kid yeah it's, I don't know. Goonie Face, whatever his name is. Somebody emailed us like a hundred times. Charlie or Bill. It's fucking Baby Ruth as far as I'm concerned.

We're going to get emails. Oh, so many fucking Goonies emails. Excuse me, in the Goonies, his name was. I can't believe you guys don't remember every single thing about the Goonies emails. Excuse me. In the Goonies, his name was... I can't believe you guys don't remember every single thing about the Goonies. First of all, the octopus was only in the DVD version. I remember. His name's Freddie Mercury. That's it.

I believe it's pronounced Eddie Mercury. It's Eddie Mercury. It was his deformed cousin. He had a lovely singing voice though and there is no scientist or doctor that can validate you can get anything out of the rectum other than then waste refuse and death there is no. Also from right wing watch Ted Cruz, man. Okay, here we go. Ted Cruz, Obama attacking Jewish churches over gay marriage. Jewish churches.

This is on Glenn Beck show. This was from Thursday. Ted Cruz and Glenn Beck talk. The one thing I didn't talk about and warn for years because I just could, I just can't get my arms around and I don't think most people can. The right of conscience in this country is slipping away quickly when you have, when you can't say anything without being fired, When you can't say anything without being fired, pretty much blackmail to shut your mouth. Here's the thing.

If you were an asshole at my work, if you said some shit like, let's say I got married to a dude. And I came in and I walked in and you were like, man, you're some kind of faggot. I hope you get fired. I actively hope you get fired for that. You're an asshole. You're, you know, your fucking beliefs don't stop at your nose anymore. Now you're fucking projecting your vomit fucking beliefs on everybody. Well, go fuck yourself.

Enjoy the bread line because that's the only way you're going to get fired. So when he's saying, oh, your beliefs, no, you're fucking acting out your beliefs and you're being a douchebag about it. You should get fired. Yeah, you can still believe this is the part that like they're just lying about. They're just because they know it. They're just lying about it. You can still believe whatever you want.

You can still go to your church and we can all you can all have your fucking echo chamber in your church. You can all pat each other on the back and talk about it. You can get together with all of your friends, you can still be a hate-filled asshole nobody is telling you that you can't be a hate-filled asshole if that's how you fucking get hard in the morning then fucking by all means man fucking get your dick up by being a hate-filled asshole nobody's telling you to stop being a hate-filled asshole it's funny i i work with people, the people I work with, and there's a couple of my – I actively dislike. I actively dislike that person. If that person's birthday party is going on, I'm not going to go. I just don't care. I don't like them. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to talk about them. I don't want to sit in the same room when they blow out candles. I'm done. same room when they blow out candles i'm done you do your thing i'll do my thing i don't have to interact with you right why can't you do the same thing with people who you disagree with their beliefs why can't you just be like okay what i'll interact with you when i have to i'll say you know

hey ted where's your report when i have to but other than that we're never going to have a conversation and when we're in the fucking elevator i'm going to whistle the music instead of talk to you right why can't you do that yeah why can't you do that instead it's like oh well when i go to work i gotta tell you i hate the gays well fuck off you don't have to tell anybody that yeah i gotta show up and be like well i hear you're sleeping with dudes did you know you're gonna burn in a lake of fire for all of eternity? And you made fucking baby Jesus fucking cry tears. Okay. All right. Listen.

No one needs to hear that. Yeah. It didn't help anything. What does that have to do with my job? Is my job to not go to hell? Is that what I get paid for? Is that my job? Because if that's not my fucking job, it's not relevant.

I mean, it's crazy. And now what's coming because of this last session of the Supreme Court, where's our right of conscience? It is in jeopardy and under assault. You know, at the. Can you give me any for somebody who might be watching and go, come on, no, we're not going to get there because I hear people say we're not there. Can you tell me why you believe we're there? Sure. I'll give a couple of things. Number one, at the oral argument for the gay marriage case,

Justice Alito asked Don Verrilli, who's the Obama administration solicitor general, if the Obama administration prevails and convinces this court to attempt to strike down the marriage laws of all 50 states. Which they did. court to attempt to strike down the marriage laws of all 50 states. Which they did. Which is the next step for the Obama IRS to come after Christian universities and by extension Christian grade schools, Christian charities, even Christian churches. And for that matter, Jewish churches or charities or schools.

What? Catholic, Mormon, even Muslim. Any faith that teaches that marriage is the union of one man and one woman. The question that was asked is the next step for the IRS to go and target them and strip their IRS tax-deductible status. And the answer from the Obama Justice Department in open court was, yes, that's a very real possibility. So if your church

whatever faith it may be believes in the union of marriages of one man and one woman the obama justice department has already admitted it may be targeting your church is this all about money now yeah well fucking just pay taxes is that what it's all about it seems like that's what it's all about and pay your taxes i don't know the thing is like, you can't tell me that all of a sudden your right to free speech is impinged because you have to pay taxes. I pay taxes. Cecil, do you pay taxes? Yes. Look at us talk.

Look at us talk, motherfucker. We can say anything we want. Anything we want. You know, this whole idea that, like, that a church is somehow being attacked because it's not getting a privilege that nobody else gets. Churches aren't charities. Let's get that shit out of the way. Churches may engage in charitable action, but that is not the same thing as being a fucking charity. They can hoard their money.

They're allowed to do it. They can pay salaries that are exorbitant. They can buy houses and cars and fucking helicopters and weird fucking Batmobiles and all kinds of like lunatic shit for their, you know. So how is that a church? Like a church is not a fucking charity. Just because some churches are charitable does not make a church a charity. So why should they be tax exempt? It's not attacking something to say, like, if I tell my kid, I got an eight year old kid. If I tell my kid, hey, I'll tell you what, I'll let you stay up late tonight. And then tomorrow I say,

you know what? Tonight you're going to bed on time. I didn't attack him the second night because I didn't extend a privilege it was a fucking privilege and maybe he doesn't fucking deserve it anymore little shit there's there's a little more there's another there's another whole episode a clip of this let me play it the next major battlefield will be religious liberty and it's already christians are being persecuted people of faith are being persecuted for following biblical teachings on so then let then let me go there, because I think there is a massive wake-up coming. And if we don't, let me ask you this as a question. If the Christians and people of faith, the Jews, everybody who practices real religion.

Fake religions. Are we done if they don't wake up and stand up now? If people of faith do not stand up in this next election, I fear the greatest nation in the history of the world will be lost. It'll be lost? It'll be lost to the Republican Party at least. It'll be lost? It'll be lost like what? It'll become an island with a

smoke monster on it? What are you talking about? It'll be lost. What does it even mean? The nation will be lost. Where's America? I don't know. I thought you had it. It means the Christian right loses. And if they lose, then they're really mad. They're very upset about it.

They lost America. Yeah. We used to have it. Now we don't. Stupid America. The way that they talk about these things, the way that they sort of go on and on about attacking religious liberty, I about attacking religious liberty. I don't believe it. You know, I don't believe it.

What they're saying when, when, when they're saying that, what they mean is they won't let us, they won't let us hate like we used to. That's all there is to it. It's not, it's not,

it's not the same thing as attacking religious liberty, like stealing their Bible and like knocking their fucking, whatever the, what's a rosary out of their hand or whatever it is. It's none of that. It's not, it's not about that. It's not about praying. It's not about, uh, it's not about worshiping. It's not none of that stuff. What it's about is judging other people. That's what it's about.

It's about the negative part of your religion. It's not about the positive part. What if there is a positive part? It's not about that at all. It's about the negative portion of your religion. The one that you sort of spew around around it's the fertilizer you're fucking throwing around everywhere that's what it's about well and it's about the imposition of your religious ideals on on other people because you happen to be in the majority i think i think that's that's that to me is is like what they're really worked up about too is like hey man remember when we were in charge and we got to dictate how people behaved man now we don't get to do that and that's a totes bummer that's like okay i get it i you know nobody and i actually do get it i don't say that meaning to be

like glib because you know anybody who has anybody making the decisions wants to be the guy making the decisions. And you think you're the guy making the decisions because you think you're good at making the decisions. So I get it. But you're not the guy making the decisions anymore. And fucking too bad. So sad for you. Fucking step back and recognize that you can still practice your religion. You just can't make me do it too

and if you don't you know it's like it's like we talked about earlier it's like the guys who got fucking crucified for eating a food during the wrong ramadan or whatever it's it i mean it this is these guys are sad because they can't impose their religious beliefs on other people that's what they're sad about it's not about man it's never about like oh i can't go to my church and pray or think my fucking religious thoughts or you know raise my family to believe in jesus or any of that nonsense it was never about that it's not about that now it's about man i should have the religious liberty to go to a fucking public place as a public servant

and behave as a religious aspect. And it's like, well now all of a sudden, you know, there's a pushback on that. Like people are saying like, actually really can't do that. That's horrifying.

And you should never have done that in the first place. And they're fucking worked up about it, man. Cause they're not in charge anymore. I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet i never even heard of don't blame me i voted for kodos holy shit right wing watch michael savage uh okay michael savage obama is a liberal from hell bent on destroying America. This is from the Savage Nation last week.

What are some of the savagisms or savage syllogisms that you like that I missed? Let's go to some of the callers. WABC, Mary, which one did I miss in my list? The one that says there's smoke in the cabin. This is when you felt like an airline passenger who smells smoke in the cabin, but you cannot convince any of the other liberal passengers that they're all in danger. That's a good one. I love that because what that says is, it says, all of you are so fucking stupid.

Yeah. All of you are so blind to what is so unbelievably obvious to all the rest of us. You liberals in your ivory tower, you know, you're all book smart, but you don't have common sense. Oh, my God. You know, it's that it's that same tired bullshit that basically says i know i can not just me but all the people who think like me all the conservatives who think like me we look at this country and it's so fucking obvious that there is smoke in the cabin that we're going down but you are so stupid so unbelievably dumb that you just don't recognize it right yeah you can't you can't see it you know we're all we're all dying here uh never mind that

like violent crime is on the decline and you know teen pregnancy is on the decline and the economy's improving and wow we're going down yeah i mean we're not going down man it's all good this isn't greece man you go to the atm you get your money out it'll be fine the liberal the liberals if i'm running through the aisle saying i smell smoke they say sit down lunatic there's no smoke in the cabin the plane's not going down the pilot's not a drunk psychopathic liberal from hell no no the pilot's not nuts he's driving us into the ground, taking us into a mountain. This guy's a mace balls. Wow.

I like his show. I got to tell you, dude, if you and I had a show, it would be this show. It would be this show. This is great. No, he isn't. You're nuts. He's not nuts. The pilot's locked himself in the cabin, and he's driving the plane down into a mountain

as fast as he can. He's not nuts. You are. Exactly. Fucking work that metaphor. Work that metaphor. Oh, yeah. He's not done yet.

He's going to choke it. He's going to choke fuck it here in a second. I love that one. Yeah, I love that joke. So do I. I almost blew a circuit on that, just reminding me of it. Look at him wearing the commander-in-chief outfit. I love that one.

Barack Obama, commander-in-chief outfit i love that one barack obama commander-in-chief isn't that amazing a man who hates guns a man who's never fired a bb gun a man who hates the police and hates the military as commander-in-chief you don't have to be a military guy to delegate military authority to generals no you have to be a sniper yeah if you're not a sniper like american sniper no america only loves snipers now didn't you get the memo america super loves snipers now movie uh with the the guy who shoots people dude i saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said god bless our troops especially our snipers it was the best bumper sticker ever. Like, because it's weirdly insulting to all of the troops that aren't snipers. And it just made me laugh to think about, like, that guy who, like, washed out of sniper school or whatever.

He's just like, yeah, God bless me. Oh me oh fuck i got god blessed just a little bit less you got less blessed god is looking down like i'll bless you and i'll but but a little just a little bit just so you can still die of an eye like an ied can still blow off your leg he got less blessed it's like it's like 50 less blessing yeah it's like 50% less blessing. God bless. Especially our snipers are the new American hero. They are. They're like we love. They're our superheroes. Yeah.

There's a little bit more of this and the end of it is amazing. I suggest though, I'm going back to this. I suggest we only elect snipers for all positions of authority. I actually think all war should be waged by snipers. Sniping battles. That's all it should be. No, no, they can have whatever they want. All be waged by snipers sniping battles that's all it should be no no they can have whatever they want all we will employ is snipers that's it that doesn't matter we don't like we won't have any tanks no gun no drones no icbms no icbms all we're gonna do is

just have snipers and they're not actually gonna get flown in because we don't need planes even that's it they just walk they just walk to where they need to shoot. Turn them loose. Yeah. Does that not say everything you need to know about who he is and what he's done to this country and what he will do and how it's almost impossible to reverse the damage he will do? Wait a minute. It's impossible to reverse the damage he'll do? What is it?

So when he does the damage, which he hasn't done yet. Yeah, it's a future damage that you can't reverse because he'll do it. So never mind that it is the middle of 2015. Yeah. Right? And he is fucking running out of time. So all these guys were like, oh, my God, Obama's going to apocalypse America. Like, Obama's going to turn America into fucking Cinnamon Toast Crunch and eat it.

Like, Obama is going to just, I mean, like, all the crazy, like, super lunatic fantasy fucking fetish bullshit that they fucking threw on Obama. And, like, he is running out of time. I would feel so much pressure to destroy America if I were Obama right now. I'd be like, God damn, the fucking Dow's at 18,000. I only have like six months to crash this fucking thing. The thing is that they're going to keep saying that until he walks out of office. I know. And then they will lament all of the things after the fact.

They'll be like, anything that goes wrong is going to be a fucking Obama legacy. Yep, you're right. It's going to take 10 years before these people stop talking about fucking hornets and gnats and bumblebees, man. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers? I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. So also from right wing watch Rick Wiles and Paul Blair, the government will use EMP attacks and Jade Helm 15 to silence conservative Christians.

This is awesome. Jade Helm 15. What? Yeah. Like these are the guys who are super scared that there's going to be a military exercise taking place in Texas. Yeah. They're going to use EMP attacks. Well, theyxas yeah they're gonna use emp well they did didn't you see united airlines went down that's true yeah so that's an emp attack right yeah yeah

then went up like a couple hours later so it was like just and then the doubt like actually stopped trading on the wall street for like an hour today so that was alsoMP attack. EMP attack in Texas stopped New York City's trading. New York's trading. Yeah, so, but it was, I mean, it was just a little itty-bitty little EMT. Yeah. It was like a pocket-sized one. I see. So let's listen to it. This is going to be very enlightened. This is clearly Rick Wiles on True News.

The only way to stop force is with force. So we have to decide, do we really want to secure the liberty that was given to us? Do we want to secure it and give it to our children and to our grandchildren? And that's not going to come easy. We are going to have a fist fight on our hands. But if we the people decide that they are going to stand on principle

and resist this unconstitutional attack upon their Christian liberty, then we the people still have the power to do something about it. You absolutely have no power. Yeah. No, there's no power. If the government decides to fuck your fucking mother, they're going to fuck your mother and you're going to watch and you're going to fucking like it.

That's what you're going to do. I don't care how many fucking 815s you got and you're fucking to fucking like it. That's what you're going to do. I don't care how many fucking 815s you got and you're fucking safe of whatever. I don't care how many panic rooms you have. No, I think you're missing. What if they're all snipers, Tom? Oh, fuck. If they're all snipers, we're fucked.

If they're all snipers, what if they're snipers riding feral hogs through Texas, dude? Are you kidding me? Now I'm scared. I'm pledging allegiance to texas just on the off chance that there's snipers riding feral hogs we're at the point pastor it's going to come to blows we have reached that point because either we're going to stand up and resist and suffer the consequences or we're going to roll over and play dead and let them take control. So we're at that point. This is not five to ten years from now.

It's right now. I think this regime is so mad, such lunatics for power. I think that they would use an EMP weapon against a state that dared to defy them. I really do. I think these people are insane. You know, here's the thing. What are they mad with power about? I don't understand this at all.

The only thing they're mad with power about is, you know, especially him, right? What did he do? He didn't do, he didn't have, all he did was celebrate the latest ruling of the Supreme Court. He had nothing to do with that particular ruling. He didn't do anything about, he had nothing to do with that particular ruling he didn't do anything about

he did nothing so you know you you keep blaming this on him it's not his fault yeah i i don't i don't understand the man with power what what did i miss did i miss something where where the government like punched a bunch of conservatives or something because it's i i really honestly don't understand they were worried that that that the government like punched a bunch of conservatives or something because it's i i really honestly don't understand they were worried that that that the government like you know they were worried about gun control right well no gun control passed we knew anything about that we fucking dropped the ball we we decided just collectively we just decided that we don't care how many people get killed so that's done that's fucking over That's not going to happen. What is it? What where is where is the great attack on your liberty that you feel like your children will be less free? What are you defending? Where where the government's going to the regime is mad with power. What are you talking about? I wake up in the morning and I go to work, don't you? You know, there's all the ins and outs of world politics that are happening where there's ups and downs there.

There's economic ups and downs throughout the world. Look at Greece. Look at, you know, different places in the world. Sure. But, you know, all of that is just all just natural stuff that's been – it's not like you can blame any of that on him. And I just wonder what, you just wonder what you're talking about. I'm willing to listen. I'm willing to – because I don't think any politician is fucking blameless.

I think they all have stuff that they can answer for. I'm willing to listen to the negative stuff. But when you just say – when you say hyperbole shit like this, I just fucking – I just shut you out. You have no points all you want to do is just talk about you know how oh it's it's going to be the end of the world and he's going to use fucking electromagnetic pulses on us and that's going to be something dude i just want a single concrete example of a of one of my liberties that's been infringed upon i just want one and i think it's one it's it's your ability to use electromagnetic devices.

Well, that's just because my fingers are too fat to press the buttons. Fat fingered. And they're dangerous. And Washington has no intentions of giving up any power to any state, and certainly not the common citizen. So we've reached a danger level now. We're maxed out now. Something's going to happen. And that may explain why Jade Helm 15 is taking place in the South and the Western States

this summer, because they know that people are starting to rise up and saying something's got to happen. Either we take a stand or it's over. It's finished. God, I'm just yawning listening to this guy. You you know the first thing i thought was like you know jade home 15 is is just a military exercise the reason it's taking place in the south and in the west is because the south and the west are barren fucking wastelands that nobody cares how many bombs you drop onto there's nobody there you can't you can't have that happen in fucking new hampshire right you can't have it happen in fucking New Hampshire, right? You can't have it happen in fucking Rhode Island because fucking people actually live there. You could have that.

You could drop bombs across most of Montana and nobody would even notice. Dude, you could blow up a mountain and nobody would notice in huge parts of the fucking West and the South. Because it just, there's nothing there. Like people in, I work with somebody and I was, she happens to own land in Texas. And we were chit-chatting a little bit. And she's like, yeah, I've got 250 acres in Texas. And I was like, what the fucking what? And I'm like, I know this person. She's not like uber wealthy.

But she's like, I have 250 acres in Texas. but she's like i have 250 acres in texas and she's like i buy an acre of land for like two thousand dollars because it's garbage the land is garbage it's you can't even buy good tires for a car for the amount that is cost to buy acres of land it's garbage so you can drop all the bombs you want on it and nobody will notice. It's a landfill. You'll fucking detonate a rattlesnake. It's a landfill. The entire state is just a landfill.

Right. Everything south of the Mason-Dixon line is a landfill. We cut the country in half and threw it in the garbage. That's so unfair. So we want to thank our most recent patrons, the ones who most recently came on and donated to the show. Jason, Joe, Heather, Corin, Joseph, Asriel,

Chad, Elizabeth, John, David, Warren, and Elaine. Thank you all so very much for your generous donations. We really do appreciate it. We also want to thank Richard for his one-time donation via PayPal. We're super excited. Tomorrow, Tom and I are actually going to go out and celebrate

our 5 million downloads. It happened a couple months ago or a month ago. Tom and I are going to go out and celebrate our 5 million downloads. It happened like a couple months ago or a month ago. But Tom and I are going to go out and celebrate it. And we just want all the Patreon people to know, thank you for the dinner. Thank you for the dinner you're going to buy us. We appreciate it. Tom, we had the incredibly accurate Jake Farwharton on last week. And there was a couple of interesting things that he said that might not have been true.

So why don't you read Andrew's email? All right. So Andrew said, short-time listener, first-time writing, big fan. I enjoyed, as usual, listening to episode 235, especially since you had fellow Australian townsperson Jake as a guest. That's great. Cutting to the chase, I work in a medical field and feel an obligation to minimize the spread of misinformation about medical-related issues. In your discussion about Bell Gibson, naturally no need to comment further on this moron, Jake commented specifically on the way MRI and NMR imaging machines work.

As correctly stated, the N does in fact stand for nuclear, but these machines do not rely on a nuclear reactor or production of nuclear or ionizing radiation to work. rely on a nuclear reactor or production of nuclear or ionizing radiation to work in case any of your listeners need an nmr scan but are now crapping their pants about radiation exposure they should rest assured that little mouse that runs around in your head during a pet scan however different story um and that's that's funny i like that i said while i'm at it uh the act is also not the capital of australia technically the act is territory, basically a state that has too few people to be one, which harbors the capital city called Canberra. You quite rightly won't have heard of it.

It's Canbara, isn't it? I'm pronouncing it wrong on purpose. Canberra? Because it makes me laugh. Ah, the delicious Canberra. Ah, give me some Canberra sauce. It was made exclusively to be the capital city so it doesn't have a whole lot else going for it was a poorly conceived compromise because back in the

early 1900s the powers that be couldn't decide between melbourne previously the capital and sydney two proper cities that are actually worth visiting because it harbors all of our federal politicians they pimped it out with legalized fireworks of prostitution, beautifully manicured streetscapes, parks, and pristine road services. Nevertheless, it's a disgracefully boring turn of a place. It's also way colder than basically everywhere else in the country. I don't understand, and I mean this with sincerity, unlike Melbourne. I don't understand how a place full of fireworks and pornography and prostitution and marijuana is boring. You guys describe it as if it's like, I don't know, like it's just like some bland vanilla fucking, you know, just West Suburb.

Maybe it's like getting high with your buddy's parents. Like where you're just like, this is kind of weird. But if I get to fuck them, I'm okay with it. It's kind of weird. We got an email from South Africa, Tom. We did, which is amazing. So hi, Tom and Cecil. Greetings from a white atheist in post-apartheid South Africa.

I like that he told us it was post-apartheid. Yeah, no. Yeah. We are pretty out of the out of the loop sometimes. But the only thing I know about South Africa, though, is what I learned from Lethal Weapon 2. Oh, no. I have no idea what you learned from Lethal Weapon 2. I know that there's a slang slur for black

people and that you all use gold cougarans to pay things. That's all I know about South Africa. That's it. So he says he wants to clear up some misconceptions about South Africa. He says, yes, I'm white. There are white people in Africa.

I know that. I didn't know that. We're the ones that enslaved the black people. That's amazing. It's so funny. He says, no, we do not ride wild animals around. They are highly trained. He said, yes, every person in South Africa.

Highly trained. I think that's great. Personally, new Mandela, except me. And same-sex marriage here has been legal for nearly 10 years. I think that's awesome. Now if you could just feed everybody. Oh, God!

Okay, we're done with that email. That's terrible. Thanks for sending an email in there. Thank you so much from the bottom of the world. This is funny. This is from Anthony. He says, hey, Tom Cecil, did you notice that one of Rick Weil's examples was male going into a mailbox? And he said, mailbox seems like a male going into a male's hole. Good point there.

The only counter to that is it is a mailbox. Yeah, it's a box. Yeah. So it was an intersex person? Is that what we're talking about here? Not a hermaphrodite, an intersex person. I didn't say that. I know.

Do you see here I used the correct term? You said hermaphrodite. I did. Send your hate mail to Tom at distancepod.com. Just send your hate mail. We got a great message from Rusty who caught our Sven Gulli reference last week. And I love it when people are like, oh, Sven Gulli. Like the people that recognize those sort of like hyper local stuff, like the Earl Shive jokes we do and the –

Victory Auto Records references and things. We did an Eagle Man joke last week. You did an Eagle Man joke. I love that eagle man yeah look at those low rates so i love it when people from chicago send us a message it'd be like oh it's like i don't know it's like it's like getting good giardiniera on your combo there you go that's what that's what it feels like you know as much as i loathe living in the fucking flatland of Illinois, to live a life without Giardiniera feels like not living a life at all. There's a couple of really solid beef places in Chicago.

Al's is not one of them, by the way. Al's uses like a cinnamon or something. There's like a weird cinnamon flavor in there. It's not very good. But I will say Portillo's is a solid beef sandwich. And it's a chain chain so it's all over the place but portillo's beef you get a big beef combo with like the giardiniera on it holy shit that's like heaven right there i had that for lunch today it's amazing that is legitimately

what i had for lunch and it was awesome yeah and then you get like i used to get like mozzarella cheese on it too because it it'd be like, well, fuck it. If I'm eating a goddamn sausage, beef and olive oil, why don't you just chuck some fucking dairy fat on there too for me? Plus the cheese seals in the mozzarella. It does. It just can't go anywhere.

So you get more of it down your gullet. Did you have a chocolate cake shake? I did not. No. Okay. No, I did not. Those. Okay. No. I did not.

Those things. That's a little – that's pushing the envelope on me. I have had the chocolate cake shake, Cecil. That's not a thing I'm going to enjoy. But I will say that that's a – there's a couple of other really solid beef joints. And the best ones are the ones that are just the one-offs where you just walk in or the ones that are like Euro stands too. Yeah. Those are legit, man. Those are the best.

Those are absolutely the best. When you walk in and you're like, oh, I can get a beef or a Euro, I'm going to have one of each. The only thing is it's so difficult to make that decision. Yeah. Do I get the beef? Because the beef, at least when you eat it, it's over. Yeah.

But a Euro stays with you all day. A Euro is all day the euro is a commitment you've got when you eat a euro you're saying you're saying to the world i don't care today oh man i don't care don't have any meetings either because if you because when you burp the whole room smells like garlic like you can you make you make entire areas of your building smell like garlic it's amazing i haven't had a euro in a very long time because i just there there are rare days i mean i will fucking go eat indian food until i'm sick but a year but a euro a year because indian food after two or three hours you sweat that out sure you know and then you just kind of towel off and you're good.

But a gyro, you can wake up in the morning and be like, oh. Oh. Yeah, dude. Yeah, man. I'm still feeling it. I'll tell you. You just drop out the gas. It just pours right out of your mouth.

Plus, do you get onions on yours? No, I normally don't. If you forget to tell. Sometimes I'll forget and I won't tell them like no onion because that's insult to injury when they pour those fucking, those like scalding white onions on there. Oh, I know. Oh, my God. You know what? My favorite place to get one is a place called Bronco's, which is in Lincoln Park, just on the west side of Lincoln Park.

And if you go there, I always go up to Lady. It's super sweet. I used to have conversations because I used to work right near there, so I'd walk over there. She's such a sweet lady. You'd walk in there and you'd just – because you have to talk to her because she's making the food as you sit, so you have to have conversations with her while she's doing it.

She was super nice. And I'd go in there and be like, yeah, I'll have a gyro. And then she would take the pita, put it on the grill, flip it over, and then put American cheese on it. Oh, God bless that woman. And then she'd put the gyro meat in it, and then I would have the sauce on the side. And it was awesome. It was like a cheeseburger gyro, but, man, that was a burping fucking fantastic thing that would pop up later on. Dude, that makes me want to cry.

It sounds so beautiful. It was really good, though. She was great. She was really great. Well, that's going to wrap it up for this week. We are going to be back next week. But before we go, we're going to leave you with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue.

It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment leo Pisces. Cancer cures. Detox. Reflex. Foot massage. Death in towers. Tarot cards.

Psychic healing. Crystal balls. Bigfoot. Yeti. Aliens. Churches. Mosques and synagogues. Temples.

Dragons. Giant worms. Atlantis. Dolphins. Truthers. Birthers. Witches. Wizards.

Vaccine nuts. Shaman healers. Evangelists. Conspiracy. Double speak stigmata. Nonsense. witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive.

Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local Dairy Council. If you get here, I don't know if it's going to happen before tomorrow, but if you get here, say, tonight, you might be able to get some of this whiskey. That's Santorum. Yeah, I don't think I'm... Is it already all that far down? Look, man, don't you judge me. Don't you judge me. I you judge me i'm just incredulous actually no actually i

only had two glasses of it so uh yeah but i don't think you drink a pint of whiskey at a time there's plenty there's plenty left you can have a drink you can have a sip you can smell the bottle tomorrow when you come did you save the corkk for me? You could smell the cook. How does the cook smell, Sid? It's better than sniffing your fingers. I'll tell you that. Especially because I wouldn't put it in there.

I would put them in there tonight and then let you smell them tomorrow. It's like a whole day. It's a whole day for it to wear off. It's a whole day of funk accumulating god damn goodness gracious where have you been putting these there's no way these could smell this bad i can't believe organic matter still attached to a human being could off gas like this are you a corpse you smell like a corpse actually somebody rub a corpse on his fingers just to freshen him up a little bit you have like glade plugins that are like corpse

flavored like those flowers like the like those like corpsey stinky flowers like corpse flowers yeah right yeah