Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 238: Thomas and the New Testament

Episode Date: July 20, 2015

 

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey Tom and Cecil, this is Jeremiah. I had a shitty week at work, so thanks for helping me get through it by listening to you guys. I've noticed a lot of these conservatives, when they freak out about all this gay marriage stuff, Whenever they want to face an affront to God, they get all breathy and they're like, the Supreme Court told us that God was wrong, which leads me to believe my hypothesis that they believe in God because of any faith-based things or indoctrination.

But really, they just get an orgasm every time they say the word God. So, anyway, thanks for what you do. Glory hole, motherfuckers. Bye. You have to masturbate for Jesus. You have to masturbate for Christ. His hands are nailed to the cross, so you have to masturbate for Christ. His hands are nailed to the cross so you have to masturbate for Christ. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason.

We'll be right back. and irrelevance to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat yet, but we're still working on it. We're closer than we were. We've got the tip in at this point. You guys built a huge-ass, badass studio, and you couldn't buy, like, a $3 mat at a fle just don't you just don't fucking go out and just buy a mat we have to have a custom mat made motherfucker this is a very minor expense like

i think you're you guys are so uh you know averse to spending money that you even put in your intro that you don't have this three dollar piece of shit item that is dedication to cheapness my friends i feel like you shouldn't even speak until you've been fucking spoken to and introduced properly right so i'm just gonna have to reel you back in so you're gonna take that shit from tom oh is he great? He doesn't have to introduce me, bitch. Oh, snap. This is my show. You wouldn't exist out here if it wasn't for me.

It's true. It's true. So we are joined. Wait, what episode? It's episode 237, motherfucker. No, it's not, bitch. 238. God damn it.

Fuck. It is totally not 237.8 90 40 we are 238 episodes into this and you still can't fucking get the fucking numbers like a week of his life didn't he or like a i mean yeah no he's still on he's still on meningitis time exactly. Well, I'm unfortunately not on the meningitis drugs anymore, which – well, actually, I don't really remember. I hear they're good, though. I don't know. How far out of it are you? Like do you know 9-11 happened or how much time – because this is going to be really uncomfortable if I have to explain it to you.

I'm not doing it. I'm not in. So, Tom, there's a black guy present. I don't know. Get'm not in. So, Tom, there's a black guy present. I don't know. Get out of town. Wow. Okay, so we are joined by Thomas from Thomas and the Bible, but now just Thomas and the New Testament. Because motherfucker finished the Old Testament.

Yay! Yes. I would cheer except that it's like, do you think people who are freed from the holocaust cheered like yay i don't really think sorry to go there right away no they couldn't throw their arms if they were too exhausted to lift their limbs i mean i'm just laying there like i would be very mirthful i mean it really let us roll our eyelids in joy it's more like oh okay this is not okay i guess you know there's no i can't cheer there's no it's it's going from the worst circumstances ever to unknown that's what that's what it feels like so yeah so you basically like you jumped off of a burning ship in the

middle of the ocean but you're still fucking stranded at sea right like that was real bad and you're glad that's over but maybe now it's time to be eaten by sharks right how long did it take you to get through the did you count in the episode episode numbers but say weeks you had to ask well i could tell you um i i had originally mapped out because i'm weird i had mapped out the whole schedule if i wanted it to be 260 episodes because that's like a working year every day of the week. So that was my original plan. So to answer your question, it took 196 episodes. And because I didn't hit every week, it took five years and two months. And I'm not exaggerating.

So what is your expected finishing date for the new Testament? Well, I don't think anybody really finishes when they think they're going to finish. Well, I will say that I will finish exactly what I'm going to finish. Because once I don't know about you guys, but once I had some people, some very, very kind people donating to me to do the show i have not missed an episode since wow and fucking all about the money with this guy well it's more the the emotional leverage with you it's what it's the emotional leverage you know it's just like these people i think it's well for me i think it is yeah i mean i am all about the benjamins, of course. And I make nearly.10 Benjamins per episode. No, I –

It's – I think for me – You get like a little corner of a Benjamin. You get like his nose. You record an episode and you can smell a pizza. I get one of Benjamin's stem cells that someone is trying to clone into a dude named Benjamin, but it's not even close to a full person. He walks into a Jimmy John's, they turn off the free smells light. They're like, no, sir. Not for you.

Wow, that must be a very regional reference or something. I have no fucking idea what you just said. You don't know what a Jimmy John's is? Someone translate for me. Anyone? Do you not know what a jimmy john's translate someone translate for me anyone what do you not know what a jimmy john's is what kind of backward barbaric fucking town do you live in do you not have a jimmy john's no i don't have that jesus you guys don't have in and out burger so you can just go fuck right now in and out burger is shit okay that's all i'm saying that's

garbage oh my god i would rather eat a white castle oh don't worry you know let's not let it come to that no you you have to help or i'd rather eat a fucking shit sandwich i literally just started loading a gun that i'm going to take to you guys you have any idea how good in and out is you got i can't i don't know if i can continue no i've been there like three times and each time it's been the worst meal i've ever had it's basically rotten banana peels and cigarette butts. I'm not talking to human beings right now. What alien species are you? But whatever's worse than that.

It's like what you scrape out of the toilet at Jack in the Box. So to answer your question, I'll be finishing the New april 27th of 2000 oh no that's the wrong date i will be that was something else i don't know what the fuck you're doing i'll be finishing it october 5th of 2016 wow that's not that far off good for you that's amazing man i mean you might actually complete this i know that all holy shit at that point it will have been uh six and a half years god i gotta start listening to this show yeah you really don't jeez i'm waiting until he's done and i'm just gonna listen to it all in one day like one working year like you're gonna like netflix binge it yeah no it's like it's like he said i could listen to it one a day i'll just

listen to well you know it might seem weird but i did it after – what I did was way back in the 90s when I started this podcast. It was – it literally – First I had to conceive of the podcast. That's immediately. Yeah. First I was like a Nostradamus. You have no idea. Also, I was like 12 in the 90s, at some point in the 90s.

But I wanted to get through the Bible and actually read it. But of course, since I was a working man, I didn't have time to actually read this boring piece of shit. So I thought, oh, I'll listen to someone read the Bible. And I found a podcast and it was a Bible reading a day for a year or whatever. So I modeled it after that. But it was by a Christian who I couldn't even – the guy read the whole thing like this. So then, Matthew. Was it Dan Carlin?

No. Well, actually, that did sound like Dan Carlin. Again. This was before Dan Carlin was born. So I wouldn't have thought of that joke. But now, in retrospect, it does make sense. Before he was born. That's awesome.

All right. So you're eventually going to finish the Bible. You finished the New Testament. High lights, low lights. You know, New Testament. All highlights, lowlights. Come on. Give me the SportsCenter version. Oh, my God. Well, okay, so here's the thing. No one knows this because literally not a single human being has ever read the Bible.

I'm the first person to. I feel like that sometimes. I feel like I'm the first person who has ever read this book because every chapter is like there's no way. We would hear about this every day in the news. Hey, this just in. The Bible is the fucking stupidest piece of shit I've ever read. Every day that would be new. That would be like leading news.

Like have you – seriously, everybody, go look at the Bible. It is the dumbest thing. And it's not – this is not like oh thomas the atheist is like because he hates the bible like no this if i believed in god and i read this thing i'd be like what is this piece of shit the last i don't know how many years of my life this is this is a man's life this is years of a man's life we're talking about the last however many years after genesis exodus blah blah the first part okay kind of interesting pretty dumb still and horrifying but like kind of

things happen there's some stories that you know god or whoever's writing this piece of shit is trying to like explain stuff like oh so that's why it hurts so it's dumb and horrifying so it's like a matrix sequel like the beginning is like a matrix but it's like but it's like hey guys that's why it hurts when a woman gives birth because she ate of the apple like oh okay sure bible all right yeah and it's like it's not because she's squeezing a child are you sure it's not the stretching and the ripping that's hurting before as if that were a great mystery like that needed to be solved. Like, well, why does that hurt? Well, motherfucker, why do you think it hurts? Have you seen the motherfucking miracle of birth? It is a goddamn horror show.

Yeah, I'm still waiting for the Bible story that explains why it hurts when I set my balls on fire. Because I just don't understand. Apparently we need these just-so stories of like, oh, that's why it's painful to pass a fucking human being through your vagina oh i get it thank you for that tidbit before this the you know eve ate of the apple as it were did were babies like really aerodynamic like they're kind of pointy and they're just like she like leaned over and shot them through goalposts like that's how fast they came out it's like it's like one of those tennis ball pitching machines. It just goes right out of there.

Yeah. Adam was like, hey, line them up. I want to do some batting practice. Fire some of those bad boys at me. Hey, bat, bat, bat, swing! I don't know right from wrong. I'm fucking Adam. Can you put some curve on that thing? Give me a sinker.

I contend if you hit them, they're all sinkers. Yeah, but anyway, so the beginning... He just skips over that. No, no. I figured you're going to edit in like a long laugh track there, so I just was carrying on. Look, we're professionals. We're all podcasters here. We know how it works.

Professionals. You edit in the long fucking hours of laughter, like studio laughter after all your jokes. I am going to edit in a laugh track. I'm going to take the one from Big Bang Theory and put it in there. Oh, God. So in the beginning, it's – well, that was like the Bible. In the beginning. In the beginning.

The Bible is wacky. You know, it's fun. Oh, get out of here, Bible. That's so silly. And then – Oh, you. Then proceeds – Oh, look at him dash the heads of those children against the rocks. you know it's fun oh get out of here bible that's so silly and then oh you then proceed look at him dash the heads of those children against the rock yeah you know stuff like that but then it proceeds to just be i i wish i could describe it it's oppressively boring it's like

it's like criminally boring it's i i i feel like i'm not getting the reaction i need it's like criminally boring. I feel like I'm not getting the reaction I need. It's like forced – it's if someone pried your eyes open and just made you watch a clock move for ten weeks. Like that's how boring – it's just – it's so fucking stupid. But not stupid in like a, oh, snakes on a plane or like a Sharknado way. Not like stupid in – there are zero fucking Sharknados in the Bible and they could have used a few to be honest. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean God is always killing like tons of citizens.

He's always wiping out villages. Why didn't he use a Sharknado? villages why didn't he use a sharknado and then quote god i will send you a sharknado destroy man woman and child no that'd be awesome it's like it's like look they've got city walls motherfucker i've got a shark so now it wasn't even interesting interesting from like say a history standpoint because i hear a lot of people say when they're talking about the Bible, well, this is a way in which to interpret the history of that time and it's a way in which to get a glimpse of that ancient world. Is it even remotely interesting in that sense? No, it's not. It's like if you took – no, I appreciate the question.

It's like if you took this – no, I appreciate the question. But this is very important because what happens is all of you will go home tonight, listeners. You go out to listen to a podcast and then you come home. You all will – after you're done listening to this terrible guest appearance by Thomas from Thomas and the Bible, you will go home and not read the Bible. You will all continue in your lives. Tom Cecil, I know you will you'll all continue in your lives tom see so i know you will you'll continue in your lives of like oh that sounded pretty bad yeah but i'm never gonna read it meanwhile i actually read this fucking horseshit and it's the same it's important uh see so that you clear up this is a good question clearing up misunderstandings like this no it is not interesting in any respect it's the same theme for just pages and pages and pages the theme is guess what i'll do i'll give you god's like

amazing fucking theme ready so he created his chosen people i don't why did he choose them i don't know your guess is as good as mine i have no fucking clue why he chose these people there's wait a second hold on hold on back up back up because i have an honest question he actually there is no there is literally no no description about why the jews are the chosen people absolutely no description why the jews are the chosen people really i guess i thought that there would have been something yeah you know why because you're intelligent really good like they're like I really like their hair. They generally help you move when you need. Yeah, just anything. Really?

Their women are generous and bad. I think their penises need modification. Something like that. I like their nervous nature. I like how shrewd they are. Yeah. Well, this is, okay, I need to explain. I've been waiting for Woody Allen. I mean, somethingrewd they are. Yeah. Well, this is – OK. I need to explain –

I've been waiting for Woody Allen. I mean something. Yeah, whatever. That was actually God's reasoning. Look, if I choose these people, one day Woody Allen will happen. So I'm going to do it. I need to explain what's happening here because this is very important. Similar to Cecil's question.

You guys are just – you're hitting all the perfect themes. Here's what you're doing, Tom. You're applying a smart person's brain or – well, OK, moderately. Moderate. Not – let's just say not disabled. Like you're applying – you're applying – Tom, you have a not disabled brain. Congratulations.

I don't mean anyone – I don't mean anyone any offense. I'm just saying you're not – you're applying your brain, which is – it's your brain. It's what you got. It's the best you have. I'll just put it that way. No, no. In all seriousness, you're applying a reasonable, rational thinking brain to the Bible. You think – here's what – if I could get into Tom's head.

He's thinking, well, millions upon millions of people have believed this this stuff like so surely God would give some reason why the Jews are chosen people. No, that's not how it works. There's no fucking reason. There's no logic to it. It's a terrible book and no one knows because they don't read it. That's what it's insane. He just.

So is it just is it just like big swaths of boring? Yes. Surrounding tiny bits of hate because the hate is what comes out nowadays, right? Like what we hear is the parts of the Bible that people choose to pick that go against gays, that go against immigration, that go against anything basically that's a liberal policy. Those were the days. Those were the days. That was the entertaining part of the Bible. That was the part that was readable.

So that hasn't been in a while? You haven't gotten to the hate nuggets? There's no hate nuggets near the end of the Old Testament? I thought like Deuteronomy was full of hate, right? Deuteronomy, isn't that the one that's like full of like, I'm going to make your fucking generations fucking dry up and die? Deuteronomy is the fifth book of the Bible. That was, tell you when I recorded Deuteronomy, sometime in 2011. I'm not joking.

Fuck you. Wait a minute. Hold on, because I'm biblically retarded. So how many books are in the Old Testament? 4,900. No, I'm just kidding. There's, I can't remember. It'd be hard to give a count. There's a lot toward toward the end like there's a bunch of little ones toward the end um i'm gonna

guess somewhere in the neighborhood of like 20 but i don't have that right now but i can tell you that i recorded uh deuteronomy i started deuteronomy i have my spreadsheet open here in april 2011 so that's how long ago that shit was so that's the last time it was entertaining everything was fucking there were still trade towers 2011 yeah oh that's that's there goes the meningitis again yeah trade towers but not in new york as far as tom knows they're still there so let's oh yeah he just got out of the meningitis head we're just gonna blame it on meningitis yeah no um yeah there was still barack obama was still president but no wait that doesn't work either i don't know some shit was happening in 2011 and it wasn't what's

happening now basically just to that'll summarize the everything since then and we're talking again four years of a man's life a very important man man to me. Four years of my life has been – here's the theme. Ready? Ready, guys? So God chose the Jews for no reason. Again, no reason. OK. Tag, you're it.

It's a good description. The Jews, again, displaying just an overwhelming ability to be completely mediocre and no better than anyone in the entire Bible, in the Bible even, like even in their book. They're actually worse than other people in their own book, which I guess modesty is a good trait. But anyway, they continue to – God lays out some rules. Don't worship other gods. Don't blah, blah, blah.

The Jews go, no, we're going to do that. And then God's like, what? No. Come on. Guys, I chose you. Here's, here's the funny, the hilarious thing about God. You want to know the funniest thing about God. And the reason your listeners should maybe check out my podcast. Here's why God's so hilarious. He's the only real God in this book. He is the only God who's actually a God and he loses to fake gods he loses the competition for the jews and for people's

worship he loses to things that aren't real could you imagine could you imagine how frustrating that would be what if you guys were the only podcast cognitive dissonance here on out the only podcast that exists the only one there's not even radio you guys are the only audio this is the most depressing world this is a hellish world that you're describing. Post-apocalyptic Mad Max world that you're describing. Hear me out. The road is a vacation in this kind of way. Hear me out.

Go with me here. You're the only audio. I know. It's a terrible world. We need interior curiosa to save us. There's a fucking babies on trees. That's the kind of world it is. We need Charlize Theron.

Cormac McCarthy wrote this. Yeah. We need Mad Max to save us from this reality. But you're the only audio medium in the world. And imagine that you guys were losing listeners to nothing. So other people are leaving your show. You're telling people like, hey, guys, listen to our show. This actually happens to us.

I don't know why. People send us emails. People send us emails. They're like, I threw, listen to our show. This actually happens to us. People send us emails like, I threw away my iPod. I don't even own a phone anymore. My mother cannot contact me when she's ill. We've had people call us up and say, look, I'm going to climb the nearest sniper tower and shoot other people with iPods.

You get emails that were like, hey, I was listening to your show, but then I heard some power lines were like buzzing really loudly. So I just, I decided to listen to that. It sounded kind of more interesting. I went to the dentist that I love the sound of his grill in comparison to your podcast. I would rather smell my own burning flesh. We laugh, but this is the situation God is in. If God is real, this is what happened guys

he's the only real god he and not only that he performs miracles he kills people he he burns people like to death instantaneously he he cures people he like does all this shit he does all this stuff and he's losing to statues people are like should we worship the one God that's real and like, you know, he's killed a bunch of us the other day. Like, should we worship that God? Or I don't know, Jerry over there, he's got a statue he made. Yeah, let's worship that. Let's worship the statue. This is what happened. This is the reality of the Bible. And here's what the last four years of my life have been. That's the story. That's all that happens. God says, guys, come on, man.

I'm the only God. All you need to do is like, you know, give me some keep me fed. Keep me well fed with some burnt animals and stuff. He loves his burnt animals. He really does. And he might be on to something there because barbecue is is I mean, right. Sure. I get a nice char on those things.

Right. Most believable part of the Bible right there. So I understand that. It's a good bark across the top of that oxen. So he's like, all you got to do is just bring me some food, keep me well fed, and like don't worship Jerry's statue. That's it. Those two things. And when they don't do it, when they inevitably fail for some reason, I don't know why.

Do you know why? I have no idea. It makes no sense. Except that the Israelites are apparently the stupidest people to ever exist. You tell me. This is an inescapable argument. If you're a Christian, if you believe that the Old Testament is real, if you believe that God is real, this is what you have to believe. This is my version of Hitchens' argument now.

I'm actually going to – I should patent this. You have to believe that a God, the only real God, is losing to statues with no powers. They have no – nothing. They can do no miracles. They can't do anything. They can't talk to anyone. But he's losing market share and he's's pretty pissed about it, to be honest. And so that's what happens.

And it just repeats over and over and over. So to get back to the original question like four or five days ago that spawned this, no, historically, that's all it is. Israelites, bad. Oh, God. Urgh. God says, ah. And then it repeats. Israelites, bad.

Oh. And that's it. That's the entire book for like four years of my life so that that's so the famous stories of the bible the ones that we always hear are in the all the beginning so it's like we all know about genesis this stuff from adam and eve we know about uh we know about moses we know about the ark we know about samson we know about the Ark. We know about Samson. We know about Solomon. Abraham. Keep him coming. So is all that kind of all in the beginning?

Yeah, you've just gone about a page and a half, I'd say. Realistically, though, it's pretty much all the stories you know are Genesis. And then Exodus is some of them. And then very quickly, it's nothing. Like, there's, you may know. It's not even interesting enough to have stories about. What about, like, the walls of Jericho and, like, all the fucking desert battles where there are the Canaanites and the Hematites and the quartz crystals and the, well, they're all fighting each other in the desert for their scraps of garbage. I think that

was when you got really high that one day and just imagine none of that is actually words so oh no i i'm not sure i mean that's there's a lot of that so i don't i can't remember specifically so these battles aren't even interesting when you're hearing like reading these battles later on they're not even interesting well there were a few let's see there were a few times when there were some battles again that was pretty early. But for the most part, the last – since – I would say since – let's see. Oh, here's another great thing the Bible likes to do. Tell a story and then just repeat the story as though it's like important that – oh, okay.

So here's the story repeated. There's something called Chronicles that just repeats everything that has already happened. In the same book. Do you read Harry Potter seven? So there's like a whole meanwhile back at the ranch chapter. I think it's worse than that because it's like that. I go on forever. It's boring and nothing happens.

And then Chronicles is like, hey, guys, remember that time when this and this and this happened? It just describes. It's like the part two synopsis that you watch when you watch part two to see part one. Like when you when the office has a two episode span and then you watch the 45 seconds of what just happened. But it's like if it did that for a really long time in the same episode, like during the episode, because it's almost like whoever wrote this book didn't have like omniscience or something where they could know that hey here's from now you don't need another chapter uh you know or another book like describing what's already happened they have this thing called the books where it's just there once and you don't need you don't need another book it's kind of written down yeah it's literally right here. What about like when does the devil enter into things?

Is that – The devil is never mentioned. I guess that's my thing. He's got a fiddle. He's got a fiddle. To steal. Yeah, and he's going to do it at the crossroads. This may be something that you might find interesting.

The devil is not in the Old Testament. Oh, is he just – he's sleepy? People think he's the snake snake but that's not said anywhere no one it's never explicitly said like oh man the devil was the snake this whole time in genesis there's just like a snake like for all we know there just happened to be a talking snake that was like he was just a guy it wasn't even the devil he was just some snake i was like hey look at that apple check that out oh okay that's okay. And that's it. Could have just been that. It wasn't even the devil.

But I think in the New Testament, I haven't gotten that far, but I think there's more explicit reference to the devil. Now, we know that the fucking Old Testament is shit for me. What are you looking forward to in the New Testament? Here's what I'm looking forward to. I'm looking forward to reading something that I at least could call relevant. Let me give you some stats. Let me give you some stats. Let me give you some stats. The Old Testament is, and I'm telling you exactly in terms of page numbers of my particular Bible that I have, the Old Testament, the part where you bring up the Old Testament to a Christian, you say, well, what about this?

They say, wait, what is that? Oh, Old Testament? We don't read that. We don't read that. Yeah, that's not our – That doesn't even count yeah that part that doesn't count literally 75 to 76 percent of the bible doesn't that kind of make you want to take a bible and just like rip 75 percent of it off and be like oh it's this part you're not ready and just throw it right in the garbage in

front of somebody it would have saved me years of my life yeah yeah right i would have my youth back i would have wasted i've just my hair is you can't see me but i look at gray i look like the guy in indiana jones after he drank the the wrong goblet like you have chosen poorly i do like a sitting president that's all i'm saying i did choose poorly and i look like that guy because of the Old Testament. And it doesn't count. So you're looking forward to being able to just be like, well, this is supposed to be relevant and I'm going to see what's relevant. Exactly. All right.

I have a stupid question. The Old Testament ends, right? Does it end with a big cliffhanger? Like next week in the New Testament. next week in the New Testament. Because I actually don't know what the span of time is supposed to be history-wise from the ending of the Old Testament to where like,

and now we resume. The Bible. What happened at the end of the Old Testament was the Balrog was trying to cross the cave. And Jesus was like, you shall not pass! And Jesus fell down in Moria like i don't even know

what's gonna happen to jesus because how is he gonna how is he gonna survive that right before he fell he's like pray you fools yeah yeah no um your your question assumes there's some logic to the old testament which there's not there's it's not in chronological order no one has any fucking clue who wrote what it's just like here's a book we found yeah let's make it part of the holy official one word of god and the last book i read someone finds it between their couch cushions it's like hey i got this thing yeah and i got a gum wrapper and some old change let's also make that one in there yeah exactly yeah i have no idea it wasn't chronologically ordered. I just assumed it was chronologically ordered. It's roughly

chronologically... Like, on the whole, it's roughly chronologically ordered, but the last, you know, like I said, the last books that repeat over and over, they're just the same sort of stories, and like, I just read, like, Malachi, for example, is the last book of the Old Testament. It is the most insignificant thing

you could imagine. It just, it's a four chapter book and it just says, Oh, you Jews, you better be good. And then guess what? They're not good. That's,

that's all it is. Guys, that's the Bible. That's the old Testament. That's all it is. Oh, stay off my lawn Jews. Like that's all it is.

And then the Jews go on the lawn and they're like, why I'm the only real God. Why did you go on my lawn jews like that's all it is and then the jews go on the lawn and they're like why i'm the only real god why did you go on my lawn that's that's it and literally have the biggest possible lawn so it goes it starts roughly you know like i i guess it's supposed to you know it starts back when the earth was created as we all know back in negative 4 000 you know 4 000 years bc 4 000 yeah that's when the world was created and then it goes from like then or maybe it's like 6 000 years whatever it is no it's 6 000 years ago from now so yeah around 4 000 and then it goes to like i think it gets to about 600 bc was malachi um and again that's rough rough. 600, 500. And then I guess

nothing happens for 500 years because Jesus was born on zero. Just five centuries and that's it? Well, everyone just stood around being like, why isn't anyone writing any of this down? This is good stuff. Actually, that's where all the interesting shit happened. It just wasn't recorded.

Yeah, right? We just haven't found the scrolls in the right thing yet. Like, they're buried in some goat herders cave in the middle of fucking isis is blowing them up as their gold tablets somewhere buried in somewhere in america of course there you go right yeah fucking why didn't i think of that so we're gonna be back at the end of the show talking to thomas from thomas in the bible atheistically Speaking and Comedy Shoeshine about a horrible story about marital rape. So you're going to want to stick around for that. Who wants to stick around for a story about marital rape?

Shh, you're ruining it, Tom. I don't feel like you sold that, sir. You're ruining it, Tom. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. dissonancepod.com to get links to their Google Plus, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Do you want to support the show? Do you want to support the show?

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You fucking rock. So this story comes from the raw story. North Carolina Republican reveals his primary mission as congressman to fairly represent his constituents in all ways and matter. No, we're here. Wow. You would think. We're here. Wow. You would think. Yeah, right?

Oh, my gosh. He says, we are here as emissaries for Christ. There's a whole bit of audio where he sounds a little breathy. Do you want to listen to it? A man sounding breathy? How could I not listen to it? And I don't know. I'll play it.

It's a little, I don't know. He's tugging at your heartstrings. The most important message that needs to be heard in this city is the gospel and love of Christ. Well, that transforms lives. You know, we've seen some court rulings that have unsettled us, caused us great pain in our heart for our country. I don't hold fault with those who believe different than me. They just don't know my Savior. They don't know the one who loved me and gave himself for me.

And that's my mission. That's my primary mission as a member of Congress. And that's my mission. That's my primary mission as a member of Congress. Yes, to serve my constituents, to serve my region and my state and my country. But we're here as emissaries for Christ. We're here as emissaries for Christ. You fucking milk toast.

Are you kidding me? God, a guy's about as fucking dynamic as a fucking feather pillow. Oh, man. Fucking dynamic as a fucking feather pillow. Oh, man. You know, the thing is, is like, could you imagine the way he's saying it? He's like basically saying, look, he's saying an imaginary thing is something that I'm going to take more seriously than a thing that is real. So my imaginary thing, I'm going to be an emissary for that imaginary thing, but I don't really care so much. You're a little less,

you constituents that actually voted me in. So, so the people with skin, right. They walk around the fleshies. Right. Yeah. Right.

It's like a mayor. Take cheese or regular. No, no, the hamburger. It's like, it's like a mayor taking an oath of office and then saying that they're going to uphold the night's watch oath

i will defend the wall yeah no all right look it's really great that you fucking aspire to be a sword in the darkness okay but can you fix the fucking potholes on Ashland? Is that possible? You know? Yeah. It's just ridiculous. Like, what is, what is that all about? That's it.

This guy is just, he's, he's, he's saying that there's a made up thing. I mean, replace Christ with like fucking Tia Matt or some weird fucking name. Like Harry Potter. Right. Yeah, exactly. Like, I am going to defend House Gryffindor. Yeah. That's not a thing.

I know somebody. You always want to like pat him on the head and be like, I know somebody wrote it in a book, a really thick book. I got it. No, I know. It's OK. It's all white. Yeah.

Books aren't all real. Like, you could write anything. Watch me write words. Watch him. Watch. Look. Look. Oh, see the squiggles.

The squiggles make letters and then the letters make words and the words. I you could write anything. Watch me write words. Watch him. Watch. Look, look. Oh, see the squiggles. The squiggles make letters and then the letters make words and the words. I can write literally anything. Look, I'm made out of giraffes. No, it's not true. No, I'm not. Actually, I've eaten my share of giraffes. Who am I kidding? Nobody, like he's just making it up.

He's making something up. But the thing is, like, just because they're utilizing a book that's really, really old, that somehow that gets a pass. It's that old hairdryer thing, right? That, you know, when God – George Bush stands up and talks to God every day. But if he talked to God through his hairdryer, you'd think he's crazy. Right, yeah. But just talking to God isn't crazy. Well, no, talking to God is equally crazy.

Sure. We're just thinking it real hard. Like, I'm just thinking it. I do like when he says something like, well, you know, I don't. He's basically saying, like, referring to homosexuals obliquely. You know, he's like, but, you know, they just don't know my savior. He's like, I'm not salty with those guys, but they just don't know my savior. They don't know my savior, yeah.

Yeah, so he's basically being like, you know i mean they're just fucking ignorant and i don't want to say that they're a bunch of ignorance but what i'm saying is that they are actually ignorant and what he's also saying is is that they're they're not only ignorant but they're gonna find out how much he dislikes them oh yeah right i'm not done right i mean if i i treat them with love in my heart i have love in my heart to tell you that you're wrong. Yeah. Transforms lives. What does it mean, it transforms lives?

Like, all of a sudden, somebody's like, oh, man, I totally had a great life. Like, I have my partner, and we're happy together, and then I met Jesus, and now I have, like, what? Like, what's transformed? Nothing needs transformation. That's the problem, is that they think it needs transformation. Right. Yeah. The man across the street who lives in that real big white house, God loves him.

Aren't we in the hate him crowd? I thought, did I go to the wrong door? Do I have to clap? Is this where I clap now? I feel like I'm not in the right crowd. I've got guns. Where do I go if I've got guns? I've got guns and trucks? I feel like I'm not in the right crowd. I've got guns. Where do I go if I've got guns? I've got guns and trucks.

I want to go to the guns and trucks door. And God is working in his heart because we're praying for him. He would know the love of Christ. It transforms everything. It transforms everything we do and think and believe. I don't care what issue that we work on in public policy and legislation. It all comes down to the reality of Christ. You know, it's like, I'm going to give you the love of Christ, but I'm not going to allow you to love each other.

Right. I'm going to give you the love of Christ, but I'm going to make you have a baby that you don't want. Here's the love of Christ, but I'm going to make you have a baby that you don't want. Here's the love of Christ. Take care of this infant with horrifying defects that was conceived through rape. Oh, oh, I love you, Jesus. Oh, it was an incest baby. He's got two heads. That's adorable.

Oh, look at that. It looks just like his father, who's also my father. Name one after his father and then one after his father. Oh, no. Oh, God. I just, you know, what it feels like is so condescending. It just feels like, oh, you don't know the love of Christ. Right.

Oh, you're just so stupid. It's OK. I'm going to tell you about him. Yeah. Well, and it's also it's not even just the love of Christ, right? Because when he's talking about Obama, who is a Christian, and when- I know. And fucking know the love of Christ. Right.

So he's basically saying- I mean, it was a blacker love of Christ. Yeah, a darker- A darker-skinned love of Christ. It's not the right love of Christ. So what he's saying is it's not the right love. You're not the right kind. It's not just that you're not-

You're just not the right kind of Christian. In other words, you're not me. Yeah. And until you not just that you're not you're just not the right kind of christian in other words you're not me yeah and until you become me you're wrong and but i still love you i don't want to now i don't want to come off sounding like a jerk yeah but you're gonna burn in the eternal fires of hell because you're not me unless you experience the love of christ right but not that black christ it's like fucking black santa like is it? Some fucking Kwanzaa Christ? My dad is just a little racist. And so Colleen and I, for years, we would buy Black Santa wrapping paper and wrap his Christmas presents in Black Santa wrapping paper. Because it's fucking hilarious.

And he would never say anything. But I know it kind of irked him we would we would we also buy like we still actually sometimes we buy like hanukkah paper and wrap like we just wrap things in hanukkah paper even though we're not jewish and we give them to like my mother-in-law and she's just she's like i don't know why you guys can't just buy nice paper you know i love that people are judging you for the paper you give them love that people are judging you for the paper you give them it makes them a little it's like colleen is a specialist at what we call poking the bear she finds what bothers people just enough to kind of make them set their teeth

but not enough to say anything back and she'll just be like poke poke poke poke poke here's your black satiric paper here's your kwanzaa paper it's just it's these little things it's it's delightful it's absolutely delightful your wife has mar mastered the art of being a bitch All right, so, Thomas, we wanted to talk to you about this delightful story from the Patheos blog. This is from the Progressive Secular Humanist blog. Christian marital expert, that's in quotes for a reason says women should submit to marital rape um evidently this is from a uh a website called biblical gender roles um which i can't imagine anybody navigating to but not only do they navigate to it but evidently they

sometimes send like fucking dear abby style like uh advice letters And this guy gives the worst possible advice. I'm going to read the letter, and then I'll turn the story over to you to talk about that. This is the letter. This is an excerpt from a letter written by somebody's wife. This is, my husband and I have been married for nine years. My husband has sex with me, whether I want it or not, all of the time. It has tainted our marriage and our sex life to the point of disgust. Even when I would cry, he would still have sex with me.

I can read a book and he will still have sex with me. I've tried to tell him how this makes me feel. I've begged and pleaded with him not to do this to our marriage, that I feel like his whore or his piece of trash. He doesn't care. I hate when he touches me. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. So please tell me how this is not a sin

how this is not rape or abuse of some sort because in my mind i feel like i'm living with my molester every day so this is a letter that this guy that this that this this guy got and he responded thomas oh in a biblically loving way well i don't mean to make you know light of this woman's situation but has she tried reading a book called how to poison your husband without him knowing because then i would i would think maybe that she could you know get not have to have sex that night if maybe she turns oh here let me just get my book and then very conspicuously i will admit when i when i read that i thought you know because i think she's insinuating she's reading a book while he's having sex with her that she's not just insinuating it she like says it doesn't she but but it could also be read that like i even read books and he's not

turned off as if he like as if he comes into the room and he's like fucking raging to go and she sees her reading a book he's like oh fucking get go can't you at least cover yourself in dog feces first reading a book in my house that would turn a christian off that's that's for sure right yeah well i am learning really excited really excited to make jokes jokes about uh marital rape that's fun i i guess all the all the uh children murder stories were taken. So we had to go with this, but no, but seriously, and this, this is terrible and it sucks. This obviously the situation she's in is, is awful. Um, and I just want to say that like, well, there's so many things to say. Let's let's see. Here's a selection from the answer. Uh, it says this, a woman who has sex with her husband, even when she does not feel like it,

even when her husband is not doing everything he should, is doing exactly what God wants her to do. She's living according to the spirit and not according to the flesh. I wonder the gender of the person who wrote that. I'm just wondering. I was wondering that out loud. Yeah. Who came up with this whole Bible thing? I wonder like what – was it a woman?

No, probably not. I mean if I had – it's probably 50 50 you know like yeah what do you know who would have thought if if men write a book about what god wants them to do who would have thought it would turn out this way i mean really but could you look incidentally also says i can have sex with women whenever i want them to yeah exactly and you can take as many wives as you want but if does it say somewhere? Well, the best examples of – it doesn't explicitly say it, but there's a reason people talk about like biblical version of marriage. Some of the best examples of people who are prophets and they're like leaders in the Old Testament, it will just casually say like, oh, and he had like 75 sons with like 80 different women and like all this stuff. It just says that like it's normal. It doesn't even make any judgment on it.

That's just like the right thing to do if you're a godly person back then. I love the part where it says even when the husband is not doing everything he should. Like who is making these rules? It would be one thing if it said like now, ladies, your husband has worked in a fucking coal mine all day or whatever. What did they do for a living in the Bible? Your husband has been – a fucking coal mine all day or whatever it was. What did they do for a living in the Bible? Your husband has been. They sacrificed oxen. Yeah. Your husband has been for a living.

It's an exhausting regimen of oxen sacrifice. That's it. But I love how it says. In the oxen mines. Where do you think they got them on? Another rough day in the oxen mine. They have oxens pulling out the oxens. It is bigger.

It's just never any larger oxen. They've got like fucking pickaxes. There's like a fucking oxen hanging on the wall. No, they're just using oxens on sticks to hit the other oxens. It's all oxen all the time. It's like a whole mountain full of oxen. It's like a whole oxen mountain. Makes a weird humming sound.

Inevitably, your husband succumbs to hair lung. The goddamn oxen minds. It's a killer. No, they don't cave in, but you get gored every now and again. It's terrible. Yeah, so it'd be one thing if it said, like, listen, your husband's going to die of oxen lung and hairline. Just have sex with him while he's still here.

He works all day, whatever. But I love how it says, even if your husband's not doing everything he should, this is a little biased, I think. Maybe. Perhaps. And this is like, it's not that he's not doing everything he should.

He's raping you. It's not like... Yeah, and what he shouldn't he should. He's raping you. It's not like. Yeah. And what he shouldn't be doing. He's raping you. It's like, it's not like he's like, oh, I would like to have sex. It's like, well, you didn't buy me flowers today. It's like, well, I'm just going to rape you.

Like, well, there's literally nothing you could do prior to that that would make this. Okay. Like, I can't. Yeah. You could be the very best husband in the world. Right. You could be the, and still come home and she's like, I'm not really into sex. And I'd be like, well, that's too bad.

Right. We're still doing it. You're an awful human being. Yeah. There's nothing. It's like, oh, well, maybe he should have done something different. Well, maybe he shouldn't have raped you. That's the thing he should have done different.

That's the thing. This is all 100% true. And I just want to point out that even on its own terms, it's bullshit because it's like even if you want to say like, oh, the husband has some right. I love how the woman doesn't have the right to say no, but the husband has the right to not be doing everything he should but still get sex just because whatever he wants. You're absolutely right. I was taking it a small step of like its own logic of how bad it is. Let me give you guys a lesson here. All listeners,

you know, I don't know if you're married or not, but all marriage does is it gives you like a tiny benefit. So let me if you will, one of you, you know, I forget both your names, but one of you, no, I'm just kidding. One of you pretend to be my wife who doesn't want to have sex with me. Well, I don't want to have sex with me?

Well, I don't want to have sex with you, so that feels easy. So that should help you get into the character. Right, sure. So, hey, Tamina. Tammy. Hey, Tammy. I know you always turn me on when you're doing your big podcast and everything. I just – what do you think?

Sex tonight? What do you think? Yeah tonight? What do you think? Yeah, I'm going to go with no on that one again. Here's what marriage gets you just so everyone knows. But – that's what marriage gets you. It gives you the right to go like – like it gives you like one or two like – that's all it gives you see with a stranger let's pretend we're we're strangers and then i come to to tom and i'm like hey uh uh it there's there's there's a bunch bigger process there's a lot of paperwork you have to go through to initiate sex with a random stranger you have to go up to the straight this is how you do it in bars i don't know it's been a while since you guys have been single but you go up to a girl you know good looking girl like tom and and you say uh whereby

seeing as how we are both uh of sound mind and body and we uh we're both two consenting adults i would i wonder if perhaps we could uh i brought a notary in the yeah with the witness of this notary here i was wondering if we could engage in the beautiful act of making love um with you and then actually i'm doing it so it's not so beautiful. It's kind of disgusting. Then what happens is you read the paper and you have to go, oh, sorry, okay. Oh, I mistook you for someone else.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone that would sleep with me. Right? That's exactly what I missed. I mistook you for a blind, insensate human. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So marriage just gives you that extra life.

I'm actually looking for your friend with less options. Is she available? Yeah. So that's the lesson here. I mean, I think this is hard science. I mean, marriage just gives you that. You're allowed to go like once without being considered a sex offender. I think that's the benefit.

That's the marital benefit for a man. You know, look at me. Whereas if you do that in public, people are like, oh, this creep. Oh, this guy is an absolute monster. He is a horrible human being. But still, when your wife says no, then you're like, okay. That's how it goes. That's how life should go, just for this Bible expert, if we want to try to get him on the phone or something.

But that's how marriage works, just to explain it scientifically for everyone here and now. Well, this guy had some more advice in his response back to her. He says, maybe he gets better. He says, is her husband raping her or abusing her by having sex with her when she is not in the mood? Aside from his physically – aside? by forcing himself upon her, no. He's not abusing his wife from a biblical perspective. Even if he did physically force himself upon her, it is impossible, all caps, impossible, biblically speaking, for a man to rape his wife.

Wipe. Wife. Wife. Jeez. What? For a man to rape his wife wipe wife wife what to for a man to wipe his wife rape no what and i thought like the first thing you think when you read that at least for me it's like well first of all i can't set aside physically harming somebody like there's no way you could be like well set aside the physical, actually, why don't we address that immediately? Rather than set that aside. Sure. It'd be like if you went to the dentist and the dentist was like, and you're like, well, okay, so what's this going to be like?

You know, you're going to fill a, you know, I'm going to get a root canal. Well, aside from the agonizing, torturous pain. And you'd be like, wait a minute. I literally can't hear anything else that you're about to say. I'm not setting aside the agonizing, torturous pain. We are going to address that first and immediately. But also it's like from a biblical perspective, this isn't rape or whatever. And it's like, well, then that perspective is valueless. Yeah.

From a biblical perspective, you can't eat fucking shellfish. You can't. There's a bunch of shit. There's a million reasons this is the dumbest shit ever. And you're totally right. It's like i don't like how he just brushes aside that part because where's the line sure you would say okay uh the there's some quote they reference of like well the man's the woman's body or the wife's body is the man's and then it also says like the man's body is the wife's and it's like yeah but yeah who are we kidding there's nothing

this is not going the other way but but what it says, like, oh, you can't – obviously, he can't harm you. He can't physically harm you or whatever. But where's the line? Like could he sell your organs without you knowing? Like what is the line of him having control? I mean, I think you would know if someone sold your organs. How many kidneys do you have right now? You have no fucking idea.

I call bullshit on whatever your guess is. I don't have any working kidneys. I have diabetes. I literally lost a foot earlier this evening. He didn't even shrug. We threw it on the barbecue. How many livers do you have? The average human does not know.

The average human just doesn't know these things. So if your husband sells one or two of your extra livers without you knowing, that is not – that doesn't qualify under these biblical rules. Somehow they're sneaking rape in there like, yeah, it's just one thing you're allowed to do. Well, sure, you're not allowed to kill your wife. Like you say, they're sort of ignoring the harm that it causes and just saying that, like, well, God wants you to do that. So just go and do it, I guess. Well, it's like if even if that were true, even if it was like, well, from a biblical perspective, you can rape your wife. Like, well, then that's not a book to follow.

Like that book clearly has no moral teaching within it. Like, I just fucking burn that. I like saying, like, well, according to Mein Kampf, you can burn the jews it's like well okay i'm gonna use a different let's make that the law of the land yeah and it's like okay well if we're going with that then you know i guess this person clearly if he works on the sabbath we can stone him to death right is he gonna go for that same thing sure there's all those other prescriptions that they would have to follow but i think you're right i think that there's a there's this level of disconnect where people read this and go That same thing. Sure. There's all those other prescriptions that they would have to follow. But I think you're right. I think that there's a there's this level of disconnect where people read this and go, oh, well, God said I can do something really horrible.

So it's totally fine that I can totally just do something absolutely abhorrent that would be abhorrent in any other context. Right. But this sort of gives you the ability to just be awful and i don't i mean is it i just wonder what the what the mindset of a person who reads this and is somebody who believes what this person's saying right there's there's people out there who are going to read this blog if it's not a troll blog right which i have no idea you know i i looked at the blog and it looked it looked relatively legit but i mean i don't know It could be a troll who's writing all this stuff. Although I looked at the comments on this and the comments were even sort of following this. To go to your point, I mean, even if this happened to be a troll blog, there are a lot of people who have the point of view that you're allowed to rape your wife.

That's definitely a common thing. Like your wife is responsible for sex for the husband. And that's a prevalent view i think so sure yeah to your point even if somebody said tom you're allowed to rape your wife i'd be like well i don't want to do that well it'd be like what that's horrible i should i would i would immediately lobby to not be allowed to do that right because you're like well i could do that or maybe just like consent maybe like yeah go with that option i mean it'd be like if somebody's like well tom i'll tell you what today tuesday

we're gonna let you dump mercury into a fucking preschool i'll be like well i'm still not gonna do that yeah that seems like a terrible thing to do right thanks for granting me that wonderful privilege now i'll go ahead and just not use it. It's almost like the book, the Bible, the Bible by God was written by men without the benefit of thousands of years of secular moral progress. It's almost like that. Oh, yeah. It's similar to that in that this is precisely what it is. Similar except that God, all knowing God, totally did write the Bible.

But everything, every other part, it's sort of like that. Yeah. You do Thomas and the Bible, but that's not your only podcast. What are your other podcasts? It is not my only podcast by a long shot, sir. Well, atheistically speaking. It's not even his best podcast. It's not in my top ten.

Atheistically speaking is my other you know my major podcast and that's where i talk about more serious and philosophical issues believe it or not until i have you chumps on then then all bets are off then all bets are off right no um i actually really love when you guys come on i can't wait for you to come on again um and then i also have comedy shoeshine which is that's the all bets are off show that's the comedy's the all bets are off show that's the comedy show where all bets are off and it's merely comedy and has nothing to do with the two other shows so that's my life pretty much in a nutshell all right so if we wanted to find your shows where what do we go do you have like one website to rule them all do you have like a like a fucking ring yeah it's called google yeah i i was gonna say google.com slash search question mark

slash atheistically speaking i don't know why would i do all this send me to mordor please yeah um you can go to atheisticallyspeaking.com or or thomasinthebible.com or just go to itunes my favorite thing to tell people is go to itunes and search atheist with an I and then I'm the first podcast. It's the atheist. If you search atheist, I'm like the 9,000 millionth podcast that comes up after like just all kinds of other garbage. It's just like atheist, atheist, atheist is having fun. Ex-atheist. Atheists are used to be religious.

Like just all these podcasts now there's actually this is a scientific fact i found out the other day there are more podcasts than there are um people so it's i i don't know how you guys only have one you must be hiding like 40 or 50 others that you do i couldn't convince cecil to do more work oh god no i i mean i i'm willing i'm willing to continue to let's end this conversation you know what it sounds like the bible of cognitive dissonance was written by tom and cecil shall do all the work and so this sort of models this answers that question from earlier it's like that's what happens when it's written from one perspective you don't really have to take the work into account too much you're like yeah just do that make another podcast over

there god's like a delegator yeah just like get this done it looks like it should be done is it done make it more done well thomas thank you so much for joining us today thank you for having me. I love you guys and I love your show. So we want to thank the most recent patrons, John, David, Warren, Elaine, Andrew, Zach, Curtis, Lizzie, Fine Al Gibb, Ashwell. That's funny. I think it's awesome rick john elizabeth ons and paul thank you all so much for your generous donations we super appreciate it it is just so great uh to uh to have people who like the podcast enough to give we also had a one-time donation tom we did uh from dennis through paypal so thank you so much. That's very generous of you. We very much appreciate it.

We got a message from Nick. And Nick was talking about Todd Starnes' locust and cicada speech. He said, then again, if Todd Starnes prayed to a god for a plague of naked roll rats the size and temperament of a rabid corgi, then we'd all be in trouble. The only

good news is that they'd probably go for the pack of hot dogs on the back of Todd Starnes' neck first, giving us a few seconds to run. That's great. That's amazing. That was hilarious. Thank you very much, Nick. This is from Carolyn, and Carolyn says, I've been listening to your podcast since the beginning,

but I guess I never really paid attention to the skeptic's creed at the end. Yeah, Tom hasn't either and it says uh why are your uh your evidential hands bloody you're doing evidence wrong my husband is a scientist and he never once comes home with bloody hands that's because he's using lube to fist people carolyn that's that's why if you don't bloody hands all day well you gotta you just take those latex gloves off and you're fine. You go home and you're... My hands were bloody at work, but... That's called being a polite husband.

Exactly. That's what that's all about. Tom, we got a message from... This is from DV. He says, hey, guys, so I live in the South. Insert South jokes here. Anyway, everyone around loves to say have a blessed day in their best Southern accent. Hey, y'all, have a blessed day in their best southern accent hey y'all have

a blessed day oh god i just threw up my mouth hearing that uh how would you guys react to this i don't want to be a dick but i feel like if i say you too or thanks i'm projecting to them that i believe the same ridiculous things that they do i'm at a loss here because well i feel like i'm the only atheist around this fucking shit town. Seriously, fuck this town. I know this sounds stupid, but it drives me crazy. Fuck this town. Mainly because these people think everyone believes the same way that they do, and I want them to know that not everyone does without being a dick about it. The problem is that there's no way not to do that without being a dick. I used to – back when I first became sort of a – I don't know, like a vocal atheist I'll say.

People used to say, God bless you when you'd sneeze. And I got into the habit of saying, no, thank you. And I realized how shitty that sounds because what they're saying to me when they say – they're not – even people who aren't religious say, God bless you after you're done. They'll say bless you after you sneeze. It's just a thing people do to be polite, right? I got in the habit of instead of saying that because you sound weird. There's a weird silence. I don't know.

It's just a – I don't know. It's like an American thing. But there's a weird silence there after somebody sneezes that you almost feel like you have to punctuate. Yeah, right. There's this weird – So I got the uh habit of saying gazoon tight yeah which i don't know what that means but it sounds different than bless you so i just say it but i think it means good health or something but i don't really care right it doesn't i'm not saying bless you i don't think i am well at least i'm not saying in english i'm not saying it in english so who cares right

you're just you're just making sound i say bless you in mandarin you wouldn't know what the fuck i said right but in any case uh i it's it's real hard not to sound like a dick i mean you just sound like a dick when you when you say no thank you or that's not fucking i don't believe in that shit i don't know what you right because it's there's no way to have a short conversation about it and the only thing you can do is have a have a short quip and it doesn't sound – you just sound like a jerk. There's nothing you can do. Somebody says have a blessed day. The only thing you can do is say thanks.

Yeah, I say thanks. I don't say you too. Right. I won't return a blessing because that's just – that's weird. It's odd. But I'll say thanks and that's it. And I find it annoying too. I do too, but there's nothing you can say i don't like it i don't like it in people's professional emails and voicemails that

kind of makes me crazy too like do you run across that and people yeah people do it it's like oh have a blessed day it's like no like the email signature will just say have a blessed day well how blessed can it be if you're sending it to everyone? We got a message from Ross, and he says, I'm from the UK, and as a result, I have no idea what this Portillo's place is. However, judging by the conversation at the end of last week's podcast, I have to assume it's a top-rate gay bar, something to do with food. He says, I base it on the phrases being used like really solid beef places, really big beef combo with Giardiniera. It's actually a big beef combo with jardin it's actually a big beef combo with jardinera on it and you spelled jardinera totally wrong i spelled it a j it's a fucking g dude get it straight it's a fucking g fly over to chicago we will feed you some jardinera with a g eating a sausage beef and olive oil now i will admit right away that that sounds really good.

That's super good. That sounds great. Eating a sausage. And also, the last one, chocolate cake shake. Yeah, I think that does. That sounds. You're right. Fair enough.

Okay. Got us. That's okay, though. It's a delicious beef joint. I want to play something sent to us by Andrea. We met Andrea at ReasonCon, and she says she's here in Bumfuck, Alabama. And this is what happened on 4th of July at the karaoke bar. I feel like puking again. Somebody torture a cat.

Well, they are, clearly. Are you going to play the whole thing? How out of key do you have to be before you realize you're not in key? That is amazing. Somebody should just take those microphones and beat those girls to death with them. I think that's a mercy, actually. It's a mercy for the audience. Okay, so we've got a message. This is from Fine Al Gibbash Well.

And I'll give as well. And they sent us a message about about an Islamist. Extremeless Islamist is what they said. Salami Lakem. Blue Ribbon American pigs. My name is final. Give as well. An extremeless Islamist.

Let me just say that I absolutely hate your show. Cool. What Pat Robertson is to you. You are to me. I have had to resort to listening to your show just to get worked up enough to pray five times a day. I also fear I might be developing a tolerance for your voices and words. And tolerance is haram. That's great. I can still do the beard thing for, unlike you two, Allah has blessed me with great virility and all I have to

do is not shave. Yes, I watched the eggnog video. Puny beards, the both of you. I laugh at your unmanliness. Maybe you should start wearing burqas. Good Allah, I feel better now by doing basically nothing. Maybe confession was a good idea, but no, we have

Talba instead. Stupid Muhammad always making life hard for me anyway ass salami lake them and a long black cock to you that's pretty great so long we got a bunch of emails tom you fucked up the utah liquor laws i did it turns out utah's liquor laws are even more ridiculous than i could have possibly imagined we got a message message. This is from Helena Bahan Basket. And she says, so I had this dream the other night. Obama was in the Oval Office and a booming voice said, in the house of white, the Kenyan shall abideth. And then he started kicking these two eagles.

And the eagles were laughing and snorting and making jokes. And Pat Robertson was there. And I woke up, I realized I had fallen asleep to your show. It's prophecy before war. That's great. And I like the disclaimer. Dreams in this email may be faker than they appear. Very funny.

Thank you, Helena. We got a message from Jessica and she has a song for us. So this is Jessica's song, Deep in the Glory Hole. The big brown cock goes in and out. Deep in the glory hole of Texas. Shitty fat bucks

and religious nuts. Deep in the glory hole of Texas. A fetus in bloom. Forced to birth for you. Deep in the glory hole of Texas a fetus in bloom forced to birth for you deep in the glory hole of Texas the KKK prays away the gay

deep in the glory hole of Texas dabba dabba doo yadda bada boo have I got a glory hole for you with fear, jade, hell and everyone brown deep in the glory hole for you. That's awesome. We're fear Jade Helm and everyone brown. Deep in the glory hole of

Texas. Don't need education. Jesus is here on vacation. He's getting off in the glory hole of Texas. Glory hole, motherfuckers that's amazing that is so spectacularly great i love that i think that's one of the best things ever possible it's fucking really sad though i will say that there's too much truth in it

i know that's the problem right we got a message from matt in j Land, and he says, I couldn't find an answer on Google. What's a euro? And he spelled it euro, E-U-R-O. And I think he's referring to our comments about the wonderful lamb and beef sandwich made in Chicago called a euro. Right. Which people spell gyro. Right. Yeah.

So it's spelled G-Y-R-O-S and people mispronounce it all the time. You'll hear people be like, yeah, I'm getting one of them gyroses. Gyroses? I like a couple gyroses. Yeah, and it's amazing too because I'm sure you've had this experience

where you can be like, yeah, we're going to go get some gyro or whatever and someone will be like, I love gyros. Yeah. They'll just respond with the wrong thing. All the time. Like, yeah, get me one of those gyros.

They even have signs in Chicago at many places that say it's pronounced gyro. Right. But I think it's gyros. But since we're American, we cut off the S because S means plural to us. Right. So we're like, I only want a single one because there's a lot of food. So I just want a gyro, not a gyros. But, yeah, it's gyros, I guess, is the –

you got to kind of move your head a little bit when you – Bob, the gyros, gyros. You got to pretend you're driving a taxi cab. But it's not to be confused with a thing that is nearly as much as a dollar now. Right. Or a money you can't use in Greece. We got a great message from David, and David made a beer for us. He made an extra special bitter recipe, and Tom and I are going to try it soon.

So we want to thank David for thinking up a beer. That's really a cool idea. Yeah, that's great. So you sent us this recipe. You brew in a bag. I brew in a bag. It's going to be great. We're going to get this done.

We got a message from Guy and Guy sent us a video. I'm not going to play the audio for you, but it's fucking amazing. It's somebody, I think it sounds like a Lama call to prayer in the background. And then this dog is doing the howl, the woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo howl. Yeah. Hilarious. It's awesome. It sounds great. It's a couple minutes long

though, so I'm not going to play the whole thing, but if you want to see the video, I'll embed it in this week's show notes. Unlike Tom, I will give you the correct number. It's 23 notes. Unlike Tom, I will give you the correct number. It's 238. It is. So we want to thank Thomas from Thomas and the Bible who just finished his Old Testament Trek,

who's starting on the New Testament Trek very soon. He also does a show called Atheistically Speaking, which we will be on very soon. We will. We're going to fuck that up. And Andy does a show called Comedy Shoeshine. we will be on very soon. We will, we're going to fuck that up. And, uh, Andy does a show called comedy shoeshine. So,

uh, you should check out his podcast. He's a great guy, funny guy. And, uh, and his podcasts are quality. We also want to mention that on the 10th,

uh, Jake from imaginary friend show released a, uh, a show with Tom and I in it. And, uh, and so if you want to find it, it's on imaginaryfriendshow.com.

It's episode 268. And it's explicit because he can't. His show is not normally explicit, but we were on it. And we kind of sometimes. We attack. We get a little carried away. So he has an explicit episode. It was pretty great.

And we had a great time. So if you want to check it out, like I said, it's episode 268 of his podcast, imaginaryfriendshow.com. But that's going to wrap it up for this week. We will have a mid-show, midweek show next week, and you should look for that. But until next time, we're going to leave you like we always do with The Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative,

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Stigmata, nonsense Expose your Signs Thrust your hands Bloody, evidential Conclusive Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only.

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