Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 242: B Sides and Oddities

Episode Date: August 10, 2015

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey, Tom. It's me. So I just got done listening to the latest podcast and I had a few thoughts on abortion because I don't think you guys are realizing how much it hurts people. I was aborted and I had to grow up in an abortionage and like I like, I never had a parent, and it was rough on me, glory hole. Hey guys, Jim here. I just finished listening to episode 240. You were talking about chaplains in the military, so just for your, you know, enlightenment, I'm a military officer and also an atheist, but the chaplains play kind of an important role. While the military does offer legit psychiatric help, those civilian psychiatrists and psychologists aren't deployed to war zones. So the chaplains can be deployed to war zones.

And I know several of them who have, like you said, picked up a gun and gone to the front line. So that's one thing that's unique about the chaplains. who have, like you said, you know, picked up a gun and gone to the front line. So that's one thing that's unique about the chaplains. Another thing that's unique about them is they have total anonymity. If you go and talk to a chaplain about something, they cannot divulge your conversation to anybody for any reason, with the only exception that if you go there to confess to a crime, then they can, you know, they have to report that out. Anyway,

that's just a little bit about the chaplain. And, you know, I'm not a chaplain, but, you know, whatever. All right. Thanks. I love the podcast. Keep it up. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 242, the lost episode.

Not lost at all we just found it it's right here we're recording seconds after we stopped recording before recording episode 241 and we're putting all the rest of what wasn't in 241 in this one and we're calling it a night

this is like the b-sides and rarities that's what it is no it's b-sides and oddities which is another way for a band to sell you the shit that you didn't want to buy in the first place, right? So we're not going to have an email section in this show because we just literally 30 seconds ago read you the emails. To an email section. But without further ado, we're going to play you all of the stuff that we had last week. We believe we're moving into a supernatural season where if needed, God will multiply food. I have

seen God multiply food more than one time when I was cooking. I mean, when my kids were little, they were always bringing their friends into the house. And I remember, you know, spooning out spaghetti or whatever, just praying and the spirit over that. And God just made more and more and more. You know, I've seen oil multiply as I was praying for the sick. I've seen bottles of oil just fill up about a cup at a time of oil. Remember when we drove our car and weather for the court? I mean one set of tires we had how many miles was it i mean maybe yeah way way beyond what could ever happen with one set of tires i mean i remember one time i had a pair of shoes that i wore and wore and wore and wore and it just just for years these shoes did

not wear out and i wore them years and years and years so you know sometimes god is saying little epiphanies to us little things to us but we don't know how to listen to his voice motherfucker this story this guy's back from yahoo uh canada's version whatever it's not even on the internet let them eat snake prophet feeds reptile followers, telling them it'll turn into chocolate. This is the same guy who told people to drink gasoline and it would taste like pineapple juice. Okay. Yeah. So this is members of the Prophet Penul's End Times Disciples Ministries.

This is in Pretoria, South Africa. This is the guy who, he basically, I think he's on a mission just to see what the congregation will do. He's made them eat dirt and grass. They told him it was the fruit of the earth or something, and then they all went out and ate it. And so he's like, oh, it tastes delicious.

He made them drink gasoline and then told them it was apple juice. It tastes like apple juice. And now he's just feeding them snakes. Here's some delicious snake chocolate. They totally eat it too. One point in the article, they're talking about how they chewed that shit up and they were so surprised at the taste. And I'm just thinking, that's the most disgusting thing I've heard all day.

Just eating a fucking raw snake, fucking bones and guts. Because you know the guy didn't like. Yeah, I know. You can see from the picture it's fucking it's rattlesnake sashimi are you kidding me but it's even worse than that cecil it's even worse it's a live snake because like that is a snake with its guts and the fucking poop still in its intestines and everything it's not cleaned out clean it out so it's not like you know if like you were like eat a raw snake you'd be like i kind of don't want to get salmonella they'd be like fucking eat a raw snake no no eat a raw

snake's poop like whoa whoa it'll taste like chocolate no that's also snakes are disgusting and to put a snake in your mouth is disgusting awful and disgusting oh you wouldn't eat a snake i would eat it if it was cleaned but i'm talking about like the outside of it is disgusting oh Disgusting. Awful and disgusting. You wouldn't eat a snake? I would eat it if it was cleaned, but I'm talking about the outside of it is disgusting. I don't know. They just feel weird. Can you imagine what the snail or the scales would be biting through those things?

Trying to bite a fish with its scales on. Fucking chewy and you're just like You're a clean fish, you get a scale in your mouth and you're spitting it out for a half an hour like pen doesn't fucking leave and then you're like god i got this fishy taste in my mouth for days i remember cleaning my dad used to take us up to this this fishing resort like and resort is a strong term like it's just like cabins in minnesota surrounded by deer flies and there was a fucking rowboat there and like yeah right yeah, right. Well, there really were. It was rowboats and like these little five horsepower

engine boats that you just fucking putted around this lake. And we used to go there every year for, I don't know, five or six years. And there was a fish cleaning house. Do you remember going to one of those fucking abattoirs? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my dad would be like, we'd have like all these bluegill and crappie and shit. And he'd be fucking

fucking scaling. He's got the scaler and the fish are still flopping around you remember doing that shit i remember that as a kid my daddy like i don't even feel it that fucking thing is it's like you're abrading the skin off a live animal it's flopping around my dad's like i don't feel it scales are flying in every direction the place smells like fucking hot summer death it is the most horrifying place i remember and it's just like a fucking like a slush bucket full of like fish guts buzzing with flies oh my god that shit was fucking outrageous my dad would be like i don't know why you don't like fishing i'm like are you are you kidding me are you fucking high you don't know why i don't like this is it is the most disgusting pastime you can possibly engage yeah you're just

fucking it's just a it's a bucket of guts it smells awful it's the worst yeah i i this guy though he's able to convince people that they're chocolate like that's the one thing is that he's telling these people it's pineapple juice or it's fucking sweet honey or whatever right now and they're they're delusional enough to believe him. Yeah, well, it's so funny, too, because not only do they, but they defend it. They're like, yeah, fucking, I ate that snake. And the one guy is only half convinced because he says, I ate it, and it was a little weird, but it was good. And you're like, no, man. He said, I did it when I was commanded, and I tasted the chocolate. It was different, but it was good. Yeah. And you're like, no, man. He said, I did what I was commanded, and I tasted the chocolate.

It was different, but it tasted good. And then later he said, my anaconda don't want none unless you got ganache, son. Oh, man. It's like the most horrifying caramello. Like a bite. You're like, it'd be awesome if you're in the desert, and you hear the rattling. And it's like the most horrifying caramello. You know? Like a bite. You're like, it'd be awesome if you're in the desert and you hear the rattling. And it's like. And then you hit it with a snake and caramel pours out.

Hit it with a stick and the caramel just pours out of the snake. I would eat a fucking snake if it was filled with caramel. Are you kidding me? Dude, are you fucking kidding me? Are you kidding me? I would eat that aforementioned bucket of fish guts if it was fucking... If there was even caramel on top of it. If they just threw a wrapper to a caramello in there, I would eat it all.

You kidding me? If there was a receipt from a store where somebody once bought a caramello, I would probably eat it. Allah. Akbar. Akbar. Allah. Akbar. Allahu. Akbar. Just little Allah.

Thank you, Chicago. Sister, it comes from observers.france24.com. Saudi religious police target gay rainbows. Science24.com. Saudi religious police target gay rainbows. So the Saudi have those fucking morality police that just, like, run around Saudi Arabia getting their fucking panties in a twist about whatever fucking works them up on any given day. And then after the Supreme Court decision, for some reason, they just decided that everywhere they saw rainbows was an affront to Allah. Yeah.

And they repainted shit like boring, unhappy colors. Well, I think it's funny that they target gay rainbows. What happens when they target a straight rainbow by accident? Then it's all hell breaking loose, right? Well, I guess you can't have a straight rainbow since it's a bow. It's sort of like always going to be curved no matter what you do now we've got to trust that these that these things are correct here and that these are the correct translations because we don't know right you don't you just don't know what what this is but we got to trust that this is what it says but it says i'm going to read this tweet. It says, the commission, the municipality, and the emirate removed the symbol and imposed a fine of 100,000 rials, which I guess is like 25,000 euros or something.

That's a lot of dough, dude. Yeah, to a foreign school, which had put the symbol of homosexuals on the building facade. which had put the symbol of homosexuals on the building facade. So they put a rainbow on the top, they made them paint it, and then they charged them 100,000 of those things, which is 25,000 euros. Not euros. Not 25,000 euros, which is a totally different system of payment. That'd be a delicious system of payment, though. You know, you've got to have a big freezer, because you're only going to be –

I'm only going to be able to get through about maybe 20 000 of those in one day and right 5 000 we're just going to go bad and that sucks plus it's weird carrying them around in your wallet you know like and you know how bad it is when you eat one and you stink all day could you imagine eating more than one like plus like you know they'd be, you know, because they're around in your back pocket. You got a back pocket leaking full of tzatziki sauce everywhere, just like running down your leg. It's funny because somebody was tweeting at them saying that at other places there's rainbows all over. There's rainbows on women's outfits. There's rainbows on this, all these like little things that they have for kids. They're basically saying, you know, why don't you go after those things too because kids turns out like colorful things yeah it's amazing right

like you know um rainbows a naturally occurring phenomenon like that's not something new that yes you know the homosexual community may have appropriated rainbow as part of their flag but you can't you can't take rainbows away like how unhappy do you have to be and how many colors how many colors are a rain does it have to be all the roy g biv colors or can it just be like four colors and you have to cover it up yeah like what if you're just like roy yeah you know i mean what if you're just like Roy? Yeah. You know? I mean, what if you're abbreviating that day? You know, you're just, it's ridiculous. These guys run around, man. Like, this is a joyless existence.

It's like they're running around looking for people to be happy and finding ways to make them unhappy. It's kind of absolutely insane. Well, yeah, absolutely. They're anti-gay. Yeah, right? It's just a place run by power-hungry lunatics. My God, they still have a king. They have a king in 2015, Cecil.

Are you kidding? A king? You may as well have, like, a fucking unicorn right in your eyes. A king? There are no unicorns if there's no rainbows, Tom. I'm sorry. I just, I can't imagine somebody being like, well, we have to talk to the king and find out. Like, oh, okay.

Well, why don't we all just go back in time? We're like fucking go to medieval times dinner and tournaments and find out who's in charge. You got to like hold one of those perfumed hankies over your mouth when you talk to them like oh hang on i've got a bad case of fucking black death because it's all of a sudden the fucking i'm sorry i would talk to you directly but my humors are out of line it's ridiculous. A king? An actual king in 2015. Yeah. That's insane. They got to lower a fucking drawbridge to get into places.

It's a fucking murder hole. It's ridiculous. Where is the portcullis? Yeah, there's a moat. Trebuchets. It's a moat filled with alligators that breathe fire. I mean, it's like a child's fantasy over there. It really seems to me like a country almost run as crazily as North Korea, but they have oil, so they get away with it.

It's like it's as crazily run as North Korea. It's like that boy from that Twilight Zone. Yeah, no, yeah. They're all like putting people in the cornfield. No, I totally get it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have you always wanted to win the lottery?

Do you suffer from chronic poverty syndrome? Do you have real problems that are too much work to actually work on? Would you rather pretend to help than actually help? Prayer might be right for you. So this comes from Fox 8 8 woman says praying behind the wheel caused the crash that injured grandmother so this happened in uh bellevue ohio um so a woman got a broken neck and was all fucked up um and the driver they thought she was on her cell phone but when they checked if she was on her cell phone she wasn't what she was on was prayer yeah she put her head down while she was driving

no no hold on a second praying without bowing your head is like putting a fucking letter in a mailbox without a stamp tom you gotta fucking bow your head be ridiculous yeah you're not hoping with the right head attitude hey y'all i'm not gonna listen if you're not gonna put your head down no way i'm gonna listen to y'all who would do that close your eyes and pray bow your head while you're you're driving a car a car cecil well she said jesus take the wheel but she didn't realize he only had his learner's permit and then they said like like later in the article, when they told him about the defense, Darryl, Darryl, Darryl, Cecil. Darryl. Darryl.

Darryl. D-A-R-L. Darryl. Darryl. Are you fucking kidding me? That's like, somebody's too fucking lazy to spell the whole Darryl. That's it. Let's fucking name him Daryl.

Let's just name him fucking slurred drunk Daryl. That's what we're going to call him. No, he's named by Sling Blade. Daryl. I got me a son named Daryl. Friggin. Daryl Beckham. So Daryl Beckham said that they don't believe it because they said that I don't believe that for a second because church going people are better people than that.

Well, I actually don't even understand that. Actually, I would believe that. I believe that, you know, it it's praying it's either that or she fell asleep and she doesn't want to say she fell asleep right yeah i don't want to say i fucking nodded off right that's what i think why would you say was praying though i don't know does that somehow mitigate the broken neck of the i'm super sorry can you imagine like oh fuck how's your neck oh it hurts super bad because i broke it in a car accident and i think you were the one that hit me yeah i was but i was praying

oh i feel so much better knowing that fine now i'm not even mad anymore old lug well as long as you weren't sleeping yeah then my neck would really hurt yeah i think hang on a minute i'm gonna twitch a finger this person this person probably you know they dropped their their something you know what i mean like they they got distracted some way and they're just using it as a as a way to get out of the because because you know blaming something on being religious can sometimes get you out of it and i think that that's it this is this is their strategy it's the one thing they can say you know i wasn't fucking off i was being responsible because i was

praying to an imaginary thing it seems like throwing god under the bus like right you're like fucking don't blame me i was praying well i was under the bus because the person was praying when they were driving that's why i was under the bus y'all was praying when they were driving. That's why I was under the bus. Y'all, you know, y'all fucking invented these machines. I don't know how they work. Wrote my whole damn book 2,000 years ago. Y'all got around on donkeys. Much easier to keep track, y'all.

I was trying to put my bike on the front of the bus, and then he just kept going. I didn't understand. I got done smushed. Daryl. Where you at, Daryl? i'm closing the darl blade biscuits and darl i like them corn grits because there's nothing but death and refuse and the rectum. No life can come out of the rectum. The rectum is designed to get rid of death and waste. It's designed for that one purpose.

And the sodomites are cheering on and praising the rectum. This story comes from the advocate. It's not the advocate. Sorry. It's just advocate. Yeah. Yeah. It could be anyone. Literally any's not the advocate. Sorry. It's just advocate. Yeah. Yeah. It could be anyone.

Literally any advocate. Any advocate. Canadian professor fired for anti-gay Facebook post. Here's his Facebook post. Quote, it's pretty anti-gay, I have to admit. It's the queers they should be hanging, not the flag. Okay. That's hard to mistake as anything other than anti-gay, I think.

Yeah, and it's not like, this wasn't even like hidden somewhere in the comments section. It appears that he shared a news story, and that was his commentary on the news story. I threw that one on there, like, oh, wait, just, you know, I'm going to go ahead and share this. Because you can, here's the other thing. You can tell what somebody's fucking political leanings are by the news stories they choose to share. Yeah. So it's not like anybody probably would have mistaken this gentleman as someone of tolerance. But it's nice that he came right out and let everybody know. Hang on a minute.

I'm going to share this story. Of course it's nice. Tom, he's Canadian. It's very polite. Yeah. Well, they need to, I'm going to share this story. Of course it's nice, Tom. He's Canadian. It's very polite. Yeah, well, they need to call the politeness police on this guy. Right. I mean, if you're Canadian, he's breaking several laws. They're going to show up and be like, well, that's a nice crate of maple syrup you got there, eh?

Be a real shame if something were to happen to it. This is ridiculous. But the one thing I want, the reason i think we should talk about this yep is because his next post is he got called into his school he's a professor at a college a business professor not an ethics professor guys i was gonna say it was a business ethics and it says and the facebook page post says i have to go uh get off facebook for a while i've been called into work and told to bring a represent a representative uh for for my comments on on facebook and then it says please pray for me and my job and the clearly the prayers didn't answer probably because they didn't have their

head bowed so he got fired and uh and he got fired and what i want to talk about is we talked about with thomas on his show. If you missed Thomas' show, it was Atheistically Speaking. It's the second one, not the first one. The second one is about professors and when people say stupid shit. And we talked a little bit about academic freedom in that. And the thing is, is I think that I'm on the side of the the the people here because he's this is clearly hate speech you know i mean like it's not saying i'm i i don't like gay people

it's saying they should die yeah this isn't academic at all he's not espousing an intellectual position it's not like he's doing a research paper on how to hang a gay person right this isn't even like you know this isn't even something like let's, let's, let's write a paper about whether or not the Holocaust happened. Right. That would be, that might be riding that boundary. But if you were to like write some paper about, about that,

then that's at least under the guise or at least under the mantle of academic freedom, perhaps, or at least a conversation could be had about whether something like that is or should be protected. But something like this is or should be protected but something like this is this is just being i mean imagine if he had written the same thing about you know any minority group like we should just hang women like what the fucking what are you talking about what what this is there's no there's no intellectual merit to something like yes because i i saw the same thing and i was like well you know because i

i was hearkening back to our conversation for just a second i was like well should he be fired for this i mean it's a private comment made on a you know his personal social media page and we kind of talked around that but you know the thing is like once that once you individually let the cat out of the bag by posting something to your fucking Facebook page, if your employer finds out about it, how can they continue to employ you? How can they responsibly continue to employ you? Universities are, should be a sort of a bastion of knowledge and figuring out, you know, and

there should be that sort of unfettered search of knowledge that shouldn't be influenced by, you know, anything on the outside. It should be, it should be for itself. You know, the pursuit of it is for itself. It's for its own good. But at the same time, a college is a business. They're trying to get students there. And if you have a choice to go to a college that has a business professor that's not an anti-gay freak and somebody who, you know, is an anti-gay freak, you're probably, I think most people, since most people seem to be okay with gay people, they would go to the one where there isn't a guy who's shouting fucking rage-filled shit at a minority class.

Right. Specifically about, like like how it would be a better solution to murder people yes you know i mean there's there's no even if it's just hyperbole it's shit you know what i mean it's like it's like you're being an ass and you know most i think i think most uh a lot of employers now and i and i i would imagine that most universities or colleges have some kind of code of conduct or ethics standards yeah that covers what you can do on your personal page i know that like our company has a code of conduct or something in our in our employee manual yeah that says like i can't go on and talk about you know the place that i work at for example and say crazy shit like yeah i'm expected to always.

Yep. Same thing in my work. There's a code of conduct for the social media. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Yeah. so this this story is a great story but we're gonna we're gonna make two apologies relevant to it so the first is that it comes from the daily mail i know the daily mail and the second is that it's from 2014 august of 2014 to be specific but it's just too good for us not to talk

about. So here is in typical Daily Mail fashion. These are the headlines. Everything you need to know. Yeah. Literally all you need to know about this. I'm going to go get a glass of water. You go ahead and just read it.

Okay. Okay. It's going to take you that long. Yeah. You're going to drink it like a fucking puppet dude, like a ventriloquist. Yeah, exactly. You go ahead. I'm going to go. It's okay for a ventriloquist. Yeah, exactly. You go ahead. I'm going to go.

It's okay for a man to hide and watch the woman bathe. Egyptian cleric permits voyeurism if the male's intentions are pure. Salafist preacher Usama al-Kawasi offers surprising fatwa during sermon. It appears to run counter to traditional Muslim teachings on modesty. sermon it appears to run counter to traditional muslim teachings on modesty egypt's religions minister moves okay i'm back did i did i to condemn the shock no we're still going okay i didn't miss anything okay yeah no you're fine okay you're fine so this is great because this guy's like yeah look it would be super weird if you were just looking at girls in the shower that'd be so weird intentions so weird but if you were just looking at girls in the shower without pure intentions.

So weird. But if you've got pure intentions, like you want to see her naked, then it's cool. It's totally cool. I've been telling girls that for a long time. I've been like, baby, my intentions are good. Don't let me be misunderstood. Come on now. I've been saying that for a while.

It doesn't work, okay? I don't care. What about if you put it in song form? That might help you out. I'm just a soul. I could start that that for a while. It doesn't work, okay? What if you put it in song form? That might help you out. I'm just a soul. I could start that way instead next time. Just put a little poetry into it. I could, yeah.

Just maybe like a little bluesy, and we'll see what happens. Yeah, there you go. Can I just say real quick before we get into this, this picture, the lowest picture down here, the farthest one down, he looks like he has a tiny little arm. It's all weird and stretched out, I think. It's such a weird... He's holding his arm up, but he's wearing like a muumuu, so you can't see his whole arm.

So it looks like... He reminds me of this guy. His name is Tim Conway. He was on the Carol Burnett show, and he used to do all kinds of other stuff. And he used to do this thing called Dorf, where he would fold his knees underneath him, and then he would put little little shoes as his knees so he would look like he'd have a regular torso but tiny little legs yeah and then he would like swing the club and he would fall backwards

and then lean back up and he would always act drunk this reminds me of that for some reason it's like like somebody should do a thing where a guy has tiny little short arms and he does his little i don't know gets crazy goes crazy islamic on people i think that would be amazing because this looks so funny i just couldn't i saw the picture today and i i just laughed until i cried it looks so amazing do you ever see the videos of like the the people who have like like people hands but like the dog's head and they're under a thing and they're feeding the dog. It kind of looks like that. It does.

It kind of looks like the hands. It looks like somebody else's arm is under his robe. You know, maybe there's one of these naked women under his robe. It's possible. And he's just hiding her under there so he could stare at her purely. Right. It's pure intentions. Whatever.

Pure intentions. Yeah. That sounds like a shampoo. Pure intentions. Yeah. She's using pure intentions shampoo. Pure Intentions. Pure Intentions. Yeah, she's using Pure Intentions shampoo. Pure Intentions from Herbal Ecstasy or whatever. So it's still just the orgasm commercials.

Yeah. Basically, the guy's like, yeah, you can look at her as long as you plan to marry her. Yeah. Well, you know. And even still, I don't think he says that kind because he says you can look at her if you want to sort of judge if you want to marry her. Right. So what he says – and what's interesting to me is that he bases this. So these Salafist guys are evidently like an offshoot of – and a little bit of a controversial offshoot.

And so they're saying basically like, look, everything we do should come from what the prophet did, right? So we should stick as – or hear as closely to that as possible. And so he says, you know, one of the prophet's companions did that. Some disapproved, and they told him, how do you do that when you're one of the prophet's companions? And the prophet answered, if you can see something that would make you want to marry her, then go ahead and do it. So it's not like he has no religious basis for this it seems to be fucking settled it's fucking asked and answered in the fucking story that he's relaying yeah exactly and then you know and nothing can you imagine like you know it's your first night together you know you've

you're you don't know each other you've never seen her jawline well at least she has never exposed her jawline knowingly to you right right you're you're you're about to take off the fucking 43 layers of fucking tootsie roll wrapper to finally get to the gooey center of whatever your bride really looks like and she's nervous and you just gotta calm and say look it's okay i've already peeped on you in the shower and then she's suddenly relieved oh i, I'm so glad. And then she just starts pulling off layer after layer after layer. Russian nesting doll of layers, right?

And it turns out that she's actually a little person underneath the whole thing. Which is fine because you knew that. You knew it. You knew ahead of time. Right. You're like, you know, it's cool. I knew you were two and a half feet tall. That's what I was looking for.

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We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. This is just awesome. This is from Newsweek. Inside the Pluto truther movement, which claims the flyby was faked. I don't have a lot here, Cecil. People will just decide to be fucking truthers about anything. Anything. Pluto?

They're just like, yeah, we pluto thing what why would why that's the thing is like i i understand you know the uh having a level of skepticism right i understand what that comes from but there's two major parts of this one is motive right why would there be a why would they fake it? And then two and then one of his terms, one of the things that this person says, and I don't want to say it's a him or her. It's a person that they've that they don't want to give their name. And it's sort of an interview with this person who is a truther, a Pluto truther who wants to find out that it wants people to know that we doesn't look like we went. We flew past Pluto basically is what they're saying. And their motive that they say is that they want the money.

But, you know, if you just do the mission, you get the money. If you don't do the mission and you pretend to do the mission, that seems like a lot of work just to get not a lot of money. So that NASA can get the money? that's what it's that's what he's talking about like nasa's getting weird and then the other thing too is there's a lot of people in the room i don't know if you saw the day that they released some of the photos there was a images of them in the room seeing it for the first time no and they pan across the room and there had to be around this conference just just one conference table. I'm sure that's not the entirety of who was involved in this project. I want to say there was 30 people in the room.

Are you saying that we've got 30 people that are involved in this conspiracy just right there, not including all the rest of the people involved in it? I mean, how many people deep is this conspiracy run? And do you expect for the tiny amount of money that they made was it what was the total amount it was a billion couple billion something like that for this was it that much money even yeah i don't know let me take a look real quick it's oh gosh i was way off 700 million but here's the thing. Like, they still, we know that they launched a rocket. You can't fake that. When the rocket went up with the probe or whatever on it, it was, I mean, so, so in order to affect this farce, you still have to, like, launch a rocket into space. You're blowing some of that money.

You're not keeping the whole 700 so it starts off as like oh it's 700 million well no you still have to launch a rocket into space and then what is the even if the rocket doesn't do anything except just go into space you just keep flying into the whatever into the void and then you have all the the you know the images and then you've got to pay for these 30 people right these 30 people then like do they all split the difference like pirate treasure or something like like modern day nasa pirates like we'll affect the greatest pluto farce on the public and then we'll split the treasure which will be 700 million minus the cost to blast a rocket into outer space for no reason so about a couple million a piece it's enough to blast a rocket into outer space for no reason. So about a couple million apiece.

It's enough to buy a couple parrots for you. Yeah. And a new peg leg and an eye patch. It's just such a weird... And it's just one guy. Like, let's be clear, too. Yeah, no, yeah. The brutal truth or thing is one dude.

And it could be a joke, too, right? Yeah, it very well could. Yeah. Like, because he doesn't seem... Like like the guy does not seem credible at all. I mean, I read this and I'm just like, yeah, because even when they ask him, like, what do you think when they ask him in this thing? Like, what do you think the U.S. government has to gain by faking the flyby? He says. Maybe the truth is that NASA cannot do as much as we've been led to believe,

but it's like, stop and think about that for a second. NASA is the one that led us to believe that they could go to Pluto. They couldn't go to Pluto. All they would have to do to dispel that notion, but never to tell people that we were going to Pluto. I don't think we would have brought it up. It'd be like,

if I said like, well, fucking Tom can jump over the moon. Like, well prove it. Oh, I can't jump over the moon. Now I have to fake jump over the moon. Like, well, prove it. Oh, I can't jump over the moon. Now I have to fake jumping over the moon.

Well, I could have just never told you that outrageous lie to start with. Yeah, and it says here, I'm reading a bit here, and it's saying that the New Horizons has 200 people that are on the project now, about 200 people on the project today. But there have been thousands of scientists and engineers who have contributed to the mission since it began. So, I mean, are they all being compensated? Because let's say it's like 2,000 of them. You're looking at, you know, what is that?

350,000 a piece. I mean, isn't that, and they're talking about years and years of service to do this. You know, it's like, this is the longest con I've ever heard. You might as well, you know it's like this is the longest con i've ever heard you might as well you know you might as well just get a job doing it it just seems like so much work you're just gonna pretend you might as well just get a job and then when you finally do it cecil you release images of pluto that run counter or contrary to all of our theories about what we would see right

so as to garner the most possible attention exactly like would it be better if they're like yeah we thought it was just a fucking cold lifeless crater and then they filled they have a flyby and they show like frosty the snowman sitting they just take like a close-up picture of like a fourth grade class snowflake. Like they've got like all like the paper cutouts that are strung together. Yeah, it's just like glitter and glue and construction paper. And that's what they're trying to pass off as. It should just be like a picture of the earth.

Yeah. And then like, but it's got like, like earth has arms and it's like got a coat. And it's like, brr, I'm Pluto. Oh my God. like Earth has arms and it's got a coat and it's like, brr, I'm Pluto. I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of. Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos. This is from Right Wing Watch.

Michael Savage. Civil War is the only thing that could save us. It's amazing. So this is from his radio show. The Savage Nation. This is his little rant. Now, I want to mention that we listened to this earlier. He's clearly talking about at least right wing watch says that he's talking about the shooting of the military service members in Chattanooga last week.

And that's what the idea is. But you don't hear that in this clip. So that's what right wing watch is saying he's talking about. I don't know what it's going to take for this country to change. I do know what it's going to take. It's going to take the big one. It's going to take the big one. And I mark my words, if God forbid the big one comes.

You remember that show that Sanford and Son was like, it's the big one. I'm coming. I'm coming. It was Elizabeth. I think it was Elizabeth. I'm coming, Elizabeth. And he'd grab his chest.

That's the big one, I guess. It's going to take us all having a heart attack. We're all going to have a national heart attack at the same time. I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, like, fucking America's not, you know, I mean, it's fucking, this is the land of oreos i mean yeah fucking deep fried oreos sure like a dirty bomb or something horrible like that you're gonna wait and see what the media says we provoked it we shouldn't have been in afghanistan

we're not sensitive to muslims what do we do to offend them like you know if something like a terrorist attack happens and you don't bother to answer the question why, then you're a fucking tool. If all you do is just react without ever trying to question why did this? I remember after 9-11 happened, I had no sense. I had no sense, Cecil, of international politics at all. I mean, not that I necessarily do now but i mean none whatsoever you didn't know fucking fuck all man and i was i remember asking a guy that i worked with i'm like

i have i literally no idea why this happened why would somebody do this it was it fucking flabbergasted me and i had to look it up and figure out why and and find out you know because people don't act without provocation now the question is whether or not the provocations are legitimate yeah but we all act with what we perceive as provocation so this idea that you would be like oh fucking something terrible happened let's not figure out why fucking that's a it's an awesome way to not understand the world yeah and and to be clear even if you pay attention to that provocation, that's not a justification for anything that happened. Oh, yeah, not at all.

Yeah, so just want to cut that off at the pass. Oh, God, we get a fucking million emails. We have to reach out. That's the end of the road. There'll be a civil war. And by the way, it'll be overdue. Wait, it'll be overdue? An overdue civil war war it's kind of like

an overdue book yeah in the library you know except for the it's not for brother has to kill brother it's just you're like you're like oh is there is there an amnesty for my over can i bring canned goods no it's no it's fucking civil fuck. Really? Super sucks because when I had an overdue book, it was not that big. Yeah, it's a real big deal. Civil War. An overdue Civil War. As if you need to have one every once in a while to clean the system out. It's like a detox.

You need a Civil War. Your country is like you take your country to the fucking country mechanic. And they're like, oh, you look like you're a little overdue for a civil war. You got a little gunk in the system. You got a little homosexuality up north. You got, let's see, a bunch of Bible thumpers down south. You look somewhat overdue. There's your problem. That's the only thing

that could save us. I pray that we stop the coming civil war. But this government is pushing the people beyond let's say beyond the beyond. What's beyond? No, fucking beyond that. What's the other beyond? That's the double beyond.

It's a double beyond study. Yeah. Nobody can take this anymore. In plain sight, they are at war with us by enabling the enemies of our very survival to thrive while repressing those of us who can see with our

open eyes what has been done with this infiltration of all the intelligence agencies and every avenue of the media, with rare exception. Boy, this is a heavy-duty day. What is he talking about?

Where are we at war? It's a heavy-duty day. We're at war, dude. It's a civil war that's going to start right now. Whoever's side gets the military wins immediately it's not fucking 1840 dude it's not how that shit what people are going to send us fucking email 1840 wasn't civil war okay fine but it doesn't you guys you can't have a civil war right now

what would how would it work yeah how would it work the the only way my state like my national guard versus your national because the fucking the federal government will just come in and just own whoever i don't care who you are that's what i mean it's like whoever gets the federal government wins immediately it's it's hyperbole because he wants to motivate his his group of people to do the things he wants them to do, which is like vote against this person and, and, and constantly put down all the policies of this particular government. He doesn't,

he doesn't, there's no fucking tethered to reality in anything. He said, you're all sick. Oh, be nice. Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance.

The whole world's gone gay. Oh, my God. What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. So this story comes from Right Wing Watch. Brian Fisher, Obama's legacy will be the exportation of sexual deviancy. I can't even say that.

Well, here's our BF, Brian Fisher. Love the man. On his radio program, and it is on from YouTube from Right Wing Watch. You know, the Kenyans, the pastors in Kenya have been saying, look, don't you bring your homosexual talk here. If you're going to come over here and talk about homosexuality, pack it up and go home. Don't you bring that homo talk up in here. It's already wrong because like the people, I was listening to something on NPR and they were like,

like all of the news coverage is all about Obama's visit. They're fucking so excited. They're like crazy. They're calling it Obama fever. We don't want to hear it. You know, homosexuality is still against the law in Kenya. 14 years prison time if you're caught in the act. It's a criminal offense in Kenya as it used to be everywhere in the United States of America.

From the time of our founding until 1962 1962 all 50 states it was a felony offense a still a felony offense in 49 states until 1972 and anthony and scalia said it was still against the law in 24 states in 2003 with the lawrence v texas ruling so the kenya pastor said look stay out of our business stay out of our life we've got values here as a nation. Look, we have values here as a nation. We want to take people who are doing a consensual sex act and put them in jail for 14 years. Can't you just butt out? Right. Why would you raise your opinion on that?

Look, all we're doing is systematically oppressing people for who they are. What the fuck? I mean, listen, you come over to my country and then you just tell me, oh, you're, you know, I mean, you didn't treat South Africa that way during apartheid. Fuck. Oh, wait. No, I guess that. Yeah, I guess kind of did, didn't we?

All right. Well, fair enough. President Obama blowing all that off. I'm going to bring my message. I'm going to advance the cause of homosexuality. In fact, I would suggest to you. You know, if you're going to suggest something to me, Brian Fisher, is there any way you can, like, reiterate it three or four times?

Let's just see. I just want to see if you can just suggest it first and then reiterate it. So let's see if you can do that. That President Obama's legacy is going to be that he has done more to export sexual deviancy than any American in the history of the republic that's going to be his legacy this will be the man that exported sexual deviancy that made the exportation of sexual deviancy the most dangerous product that the United States ever shipped overseas is going to be President Obama's legacy. So he's going to plow right over. How many times can you say the same thing over and over again?

I love the idea that of all the things that the United States exports, the most dangerous thing we export is sexual deviancy. It's certainly not cruise missiles, Tom. I was going to say, it's not the weapons systems that we sell all across the world. It's not the, you know, weapon systems that we sell all across the world. It's not, you know, the aircraft. It's not, what did we export recently to Iraq? Oh, yeah, look, misery and death. Well, at least it wasn't sexual deviancy.

All of those requests that he leave that topic alone, let us figure that out. He's not going to do that. He's going to go over there and he's going to push the normalization of homosexual behavior on the Kenyan people. That's a group of people that listen to Brian Fisher and his ilk, right? That group and other groups, there's other places all over that area, right? Like that area in Africa that got that basic idea from the far right wing anti-gay pastors in the United States and they keep pushing it and these people are upset. They're mad that they're going to, that other people would want to influence these people to show them that that's the, that's a bad idea. That hurting people in your nation when they are doing nothing that is, that is wrong, that's a bad idea.

that is wrong, that's a bad idea. Well, you know, the evangelicals have worked awfully, awfully hard to spread their message across Africa. They've really looked at Africa, very unabashedly looked at Africa for years now, you know, as kind of the next frontier for their message. And so they send their fucking mission groups and their evangelical nuts over there. And they've successfully, I mean, look at what they've done in uganda i mean they've very successfully um been you know influential in the politics in huge swaths of africa and west africa and now you know it's like wait a minute i mean we were conquered i guess i sort of get this

impression that they're like wait we were conquering Africa. Like we were conquering Africa for our regressive, ridiculous social policies. And now here you are like working against us. Didn't we put our we put our flag in here? Like this is our we're the white people in charge. Now there's other people in charge. Outrageous. You want answers? I think I'm entitled.

You want answers? I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. So comes from business insider san francisco techies are hiring this wicked witch to protect their computers from viruses and offices from evil spirits i want to play this commercial because she has a commercial embedded in this. This is from Business Insider. And this is this person, Joey Talley. Reverend Joey Talley. And she has a commercial. It's only 40 seconds long.

Hi, my name is Reverend Joey Talley. And I'm a minister of the Wicca Way. I offer tarot readings, aura readings, private consultation, and custom spell work. None of that fucking cookie cutter corporate spell work. This is custom spell work. It sounds like the fucking Ghostbuster commercial from the Ghostbusters movie. Do you have ghosts in your fucking house or whatever, right? It totally is the best.

your fucking ass or whatever, right? It totally is the best. No problem. Too big, too small, or too weird for the Wicca way. Isn't that right from the Ghostbusters commercial?

I gotta look up the Ghostbusters commercial. It sure sounds like it. Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night? Do you experience feelings of dread

in your basement or attic? Have you or any of your family ever seen a spook, specter, or ghost? If the answer is yes, then don't wait another minute. Pick up your phone and call the professionals. Go Ghostbusters! Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24

hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs. We're ready to believe you! This is no less ridiculous. It sounds the same, man. I solve problems. People come to me with all kinds of goals, situations, difficulties, and I give them a tarot reading and an aura reading,

and from all of this information, I can create spells, charms, potions, whatever they need, reading lists, referrals, depending on the situation. Reading lists? You get homework? Get a reading list? You get a reading list? I went to this fucking witch and she told me to read a book. I wanted her

to cut off some of her fucking hair and put a toenail and some spit in a jar. She's like, fucking read a book. She suggested Demon Haunted World and swept my credit card oh gosh every time i see people like this i always think of that uh that bad kevin costa movie when he's fucking uh he's robin hood and there's that witch who like spits and like cuts herself she's got

those long ass nails and she's rubbing her nails through blood and spit and i'm just like that is just the same thing as what these fucking people are doing. Rubbing your dirty fingernails through blood and spit and telling me it's fucking, it's gold, you know? Well, and she looks witchy. Yeah, she's got, she's leaning back. That hat is not pointed, it's rounded, but it certainly has the brim of the witch hat. She's got like the dark straight hair that's long and falling to the side

and a giant brimmed hat. She's got a sort of pronounced nose. Right? Yeah, a high waisted dress. Like she's sort of right into the party. She looks super witchy man. It's so funny. But in this article what they're talking about is hiring these

witches to cast spells on their computers to stop them from getting viruses and also calling them in for technology work. And the first thing I thought is like, aren't these people supposed to be really smart? Well, Cecil, it also says that tech experts, it specifically says that techies, people from the tech industry, are calling these witches. No, that is not true. Why would you, why would you, it doesn't, no one who is, I can see some, I can see some credulous fucking goofball dipshit who doesn't understand what a computer is and thinks it's a fucking ghost in the machine but i mean people who work with this day in and day out i fucking i don't know man i ran fucking a vast and uh it's fucking not working i'm just calling a witch i like what i gotta call a witch because my fucking steam account isn't working and and i think you're right because it you know it's her claims it's not anything else other than her claims it doesn't look like i mean maybe the article that

it links to has something else but in this article it seems to be quoting only her right and she says she says uh most people want me to protect their computers from viruses and hacks so i'll make charms for them i like to use Flora. She's fucking rubbing, like, sage and shit around people's computers. People's fucking, you know, like, it's funny, but, like, people have expensive equipment that's not working properly, or they're worried about, like, safeguarding their personal identity from malware and shit. And she's like, I fucking stuck a rosemary twig in your CD drive. Are you kidding?

That's amazing. You show up to like a real tech expert shows up and it's just like a bouquet sticking out of all the USB ports. It looks like a funeral arrangement. I mean, I'll let her do this. I'll let her come to my house and get rid of a virus the USB ports. It looks like a funeral arrangement.

I mean, I'll let her do this. I'll let her come to my house and get rid of a virus this way, but if it doesn't work, I want to fucking burn her. Yeah, right. Those are the choices. All right. If we finish it up, it doesn't work out, then you're on the state. So, that's going to wrap it up for this episode.

Like we said last time, it's our great hope to have a midweek episode on the 13th that may or may not go through. We, you know, we can't foresee into the future. We're hoping that that will be the case and we will definitely be back on the 17th.

So possibility of the 13th, but definitely on the 17th. And we are looking to record actually with Bobby C. and Miss Ashley very soon from No Religion Required. We're going to have them on the show, and we're going to get a little southern, maybe make some biscuits and gravy. Might y'all a little bit. Say y'all, introduce them to to hillbilly god and see how things go uh it should be a lot of fun actually they're great people we had such a good time with them at reason con so we were excited to have them on our show um it's a mid uh august thing so we're hoping

that it's going to be happening uh relatively soon from when this show is published so look forward to that uh but uh but that's gonna be it and uh we're gonna enjoy our break and uh we hope you enjoy these shows so we're gonna leave you like we always do with the skeptics creed credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands.

Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. so i got a new bed it's a brand new bed from Sleepy's mattresses on Roosevelt. I feel like you can trust Sleeps. I mean, I don't – it's the dumbest name I've ever heard. I think it's a great name. It's a terrible name.

No, you're wrong. The dumbest name is the Mattress Giant. Mattress Giant. Because the Mattress Giant, like, doesn't even make sense. It's like, why do you need to be oversized in order to sell me a mattress? I mean, it's America, but still. You win. You win.

I concede the point. Mattress giant is dumber than sleepies. You're right. It's catchier, though, than mattress dwarfs. Mattress dwarfs. The mattress dwarfs, you get to go in and throw them on the mattresses. You get to toss them. You get to toss them around.

You just walk in, and it's hobbits bouncing on beds. Oh, so it's at least 45 minutes to buy a bed. Exactly. And it's the end of the three towers. Mattress midgets, if you wanted alliteration. The three towers? Is that what the one's called? Whatever.

In any case. Oh, my God, guys. You don't even know? The two towers was the middle movie. The last one is Return of the Goddamn Kings. It's the Fellowship of the kings all right so in any case and my axe you broke your axe it's like 30 seconds you smashed that fucking thing um you know he totally did it's like it's awesome they should have put it in the wrong they put it

in the wrong order they should have had it totally set up the wrong way so uh so i ordered from from sleepies and they they first they're 30 minutes late right so like they're that makes you whatever you know no it makes you mad i know i've known you for 20 years it makes you mad made me a little mad that's why the guy calls me on the phone and he's like yeah i need to deliver this message i was like you got to come onto the side entrance because i have two i have a cross street where i live and you got to come around to the entrance where i you know on the one set street not on the main street i My address is one street, but the fucking dock for my building is on the other street. He's like, okay, no problem.

So I come outside, and I walk outside because I'm waiting for him to show up. And they have pulled along the side street. And they're not backing up into the dock like you should. They have a straight truck. They could easily just back up right into the dock. Oh, no. We've backed up into that dock and moving stuff. They fucking parked right on the middle of the street i'm not shitting you

parked right on the street and this is a fucking this is this corner this corner where i live there's a daycare that lets out there's construction sites all over so all the fucking construction guys so at three o'clock it's a it's like it's getting gum in your hair out that's how that's how it is to get your car out of there. You're just rubbing mayonnaise on toddlers. You're just like, no, you know what? You know what it is? You get to your car at 3.30 by my place, and you fall asleep until 6 o'clock, and then you can leave.

That's when you can leave. Dude, they were sleepies. Oh, my gosh. Maybe they planned ahead. They crawled into the Mattress King back there, Mattress Giant. But in any case, they park on the street, and then they just leave their car there for 25 minutes while they put my mattress together. I was blown away, but the thing is, I don't think I'm a rude person. So I would never consider blocking the street for that long.

It would be like, I would run up and be like, Sarah, meet me downstairs. I'm going to run in real quick and just do this thing. And then we'll run back out and run out as fast. Cause I would be like, I would hate to inconvenience another human being. It would just be like, I don't, whenever I'm in the store and I'm walking down, I don't fucking leave my cart in the middle of the aisle. I always pull it over as tight as I can to the wall. And if I see somebody even looking at what I'm looking at, I'll push it 10 feet down

the fucking thing just so I'm not in somebody else's way. Cause I think it's rude to be like, fucking here I am standing here. And they're like fucking standing there with their fucking hand on their dick. And the fucking goddamn cart is sideways in the fucking, you're like, you're kind of sideways. Look at me taking up space. I take up all the space. What are you doing? It just drives me insane.

So I would never want to put anybody else through that, right? It's just me insane. So I would never want to put anybody else through that, right? It's just fucking rude. But this guy's like, whatever, motherfucker. And they just got down. So they carry, hand carry to the dock, the fucking mattresses from the top of the fucking back of the fucking truck. Then they hand carry it in. Then they have to lift it up. And it's not a fucking light box spring.

They're like, ah, like fucking all bricked out and like trying to put it up there. And they have to lift it up. It's not a fucking light box spring. They're like, like fucking all bricked out and like trying to put it up there and they can't lift it. Was this their first day at fucking sleepy delivery school or whatever? Yeah, they just got fired from Mattress Giant. It was just crazy. And then they came up and fixed it all. But then they come up

and they start working on it in the fucking place, right? So they're working on it and they take my old shit out and they put it in a hall. Well, it's a mattress and a box spring. So there's a tiny little way to go. Then they unbox the fucking thing and they throw the box in the hall. They literally blocked my hall off. Like the whole hall was blocked off.

This is their MO, dude. It's just what they do. And I'm just thinking these dudes are total douchebags. This is the asshole in Ju jewel with his cart in the wrong fucking way can you imagine being at a bar with these guys it'd be the fucking biggest cock blockers in the world right god yeah because they're clearly just they don't give a fuck what they're in the way of they're like they're like you're like i'm i'm trying to work an angle here hey bro hey let me hang out with you bro you see the fucking black hawks game dude uh you know i'm like i'm close to you

know closing the deal it's like yeah dude let's get some fucking drinks me and you brother what what okay no even better he's like hold on i'll handle this he turns looks the girls like can i speak to you about jesus christ that scares them all away yeah oh it's nothing like a boner killer than fucking like being at the club and have a fucking Jehovah's Witness come talk to you or something. So how many tickets do they get on their trip? I don't give a fuck. I know. Well, that's probably why they don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

I do tip those guys. Do you tip those guys, like delivery guys? I don't know. I hate to say this, but I'm never home when they deliver. I see. Colleen's always home. Probably. She's not cheap.

You are. Yeah. I don't know that it would occur to me to tip them. I tip all the delivery guys. I should tip. I should like call people back. I feel like I feel bad. I over tip though because I tip the guys Well you can't tip them 20%. I tipped them like 40 bucks today. Okay.

I don't know if that's over or under. I figure a 20 bucks a piece for 20 minutes of work. Like it's not really that much work. I didn't know if that's over or under. I figure a $20 a piece for 20 minutes of work, it's not really that much work. I actually had no idea. I tip delivery guys all the time. What is the protocol on that? I don't know. Do you tip the Comcast guy?

You know what's crazy is all the people in Europe are like, Oh my God, you Americans, what are you tipping for? Why do you tip the guys? You're just paying them their money. Because nobody gets paid here for anything. That's why you do it. I know a lot of Europeans hate our tipping system. They absolutely loathe.

And I got to be honest. Our tipping system sucks. It super sucks. But that does not mean that you should do a fucking individual protest of our fucking tipping system. I totally agree. Like, you can hate it and you can fucking bitch about it, but I'll tell you what, don't be a dick, man. Because I used to work, I used to wait tables.

That's a fucking shitty job, and it doesn't pay fuck all. No, I feel like if you can't afford to tip 20%, you can't afford to eat out. Yeah, no, absolutely. I mean, if you sit down at the table, I don't care what you're eating, if you can't add 20% to your bill at the end of that, then sorry, you couldn't afford the fucking meal.

And I know that there's people out there who are like, well, I only tip for 20% for outstanding service and 10% the rest of the time. It's like, okay, whatever. You have your own standards, your own ideas on what you want to do. That's fine. But the people who tip like fucking a dollar and like a $100 meal or something, you're a douche. That shit's embarrassing. I was uh dinner or lunch with a co-worker the other day and he

was talking about his father-in-law and his father-in-law is a fucking giant cheapskate with tipping and so every time they go out he's like it's super embarrassing but i have to wait for my father-in-law to get up and like go to the can or something and then i slip money in the thing or like i'll have to go find a waiter i'll pretend i left my coat and he's like i go back and I find the waiter and I give him money because my father-in-law will never tip. But he always insists on paying. But then he doesn't tip like anything. I went out a long time ago with a group of friends. And it's funny because one of the people who I went out with is actually a friend of the show, like a guy who's been with us since the beginning.

And this is years ago. He and I used to work together um my buddy molts and i and uh molts uh i was covering me that night i just i didn't have the money i didn't stop at a cash station or whatever it was and i didn't have the money and uh and he was covering me that night so he had he had he had me it was like 20 bucks he was gonna give me or whatever for food we were like denny's you know right and we had a table of like 10 people you know a fucking huge table we had a table of like 10 people, you know,

a fucking huge table. That's the worst. Cause someone's going to fuck over. And everybody's paying here and there. And, and Maltz throws in for me, but Maltz is, you know,

at this point he's out of money, you know, he, he throws in for me, whatever. And then they start pulling money out from the tip and they're going to leave. I'm like 10 people. They were going to leave like $6.

Fuck you. And I said, are you kidding? Like, why are you doing this? And the one girl at one point she's like she doesn't deserve that much money i was like this is ridiculous i was like i can't believe you guys are not going to tip and she's like stop trying to impress me with how much you would tip and i was just like sweetheart what here's the thing first of all here's the thing i had there's no way i can impress you when a friend of mine bought me dinner.

I was going to say, too, like, if I impress you with just a tip. That has never happened in my entire life. Then you have lower standards than I thought. Jesus, yeah. I can barely impress women with my fist. Are you kidding me? I just remember that night. I was so mortified that the person had to take such a low amount of money and they had to work on us for four like and they worked on us for a long time they're giving us drinks and drinks and drinks and just being i just couldn't believe that somebody

would do something ever an asshole when you were young about never never i was always you see because what what cured me of that is i was a pizza delivery guy at a very young age and when you're a pizza delivery guy you recognize that you that you're not making fuck all at those places. I was making well below minimum wage. And then I was subsidized by the tips that I got. That's why you're a pizza for this. Because it's impossible to understand. Yeah.

Right? Like, oh, they get paid less than minimum wage. And then we just hope that they get enough money and tips that it makes up for. It was such a small amount of money i used to cheat the company um and i'm not i'm not a guy who's known as like i don't do i don't do this i don't do this ever for for for people that don't know cecil personally cecil won't like if there's a sign that it could be like three in the morning and there's not a bit of car on the road in three hours and if there's a sign that says, like, no left turn, like, and Cecil and I are driving. I'm like, I'm fucking turning left.

I'll do U-turns. I'll fucking get out of the car and push it. I don't give a fuck. And Cecil's like, it's just right turn only. Yeah, I got a right turn. That's just, it's in your nature. I remember there was a while back when they accidentally gave me a subwoofer for free. I don't know if you remember this.

I remember that. And I wanted to return it, and you told me that I couldn't. You made me get in the car. Get in the car! Get in the car! And I was like, Noah, they gave me an accidental subwoofer. And you're like, they did not! They gave me a subwoofer! But in any case...

You're misunderstanding! But in any case, years ago, I worked at the pizza place that paid us an absolute pittance. Like an absolute pittance like an absolute pittance and then what they wound up doing was they wound up taking that uh and they wound up like it was also the cheapest pizza place in town so i never got any tips so i would never get any tips and then they never gave us any money so the only way the only way you can make money and i mean i tried for months and months and months at a time to try to make money at this job.

And it was, I'm telling you, I made like $4 to $5 an hour at this place. And it was the minimum wage at that point was like $6.50. But you just could not make the money. There's no way you can make the money. So my buddy was always pulling in fucking fat cash. He was pulling in money every night. And I was like, how are you making so much money? You're at the places at the same amount of time.

You show up with the same pizzas. I mean, the person who's making the pizza, it's not like you're getting there any faster. He's delivering weed in the pizza. That's what he's doing. No, he was clipping fucking coupons out of the paper. And everybody had the coupon. And it was worth a dollar to me, but it was worth nothing to the person. So what I did was anybody who didn't give me the coupon, I just went to my car and I tore out five or six coupons and I would make five or six extra dollars or more than that.

Most of the time I would turn in like eight or ten of them and I would make extra money at the end of the night. So I would have like enough money to fucking fill my car up because the money that you would make when you order the cheapest pizza in the city, nobody tips. Nobody tips. That's because you're getting fucking consolation prize pie. I remember walking up to one place and I was like, yeah, it's $15.97. And the person's like, here's $16. Keep the change. Fuck you, three cents.

And I was like, oh, okay. I was not going to make change. Mom is totally going to be able to get that operation. She needed three cents, bro. You know, oh, you want to high five him. Be like, high five, dude. Right. Oh, yeah. And then the other thing, I wound up going up one time and it was, it was 1604 or something

like that. And the guy gave me a 20 and I pull out one, two, three, four, and I give him back four. And I was like, here you go. Expecting maybe he'll give me a dollar, you know? And he's like, and he looks at me. He's like, he's like, oh, thanks. He's like, hold on a second. And he reaches in his pocket and he counts out four pennies.

And he's like, there you go. And I was like, thanks. And I threw him over my shoulder. I was like, thanks, buddy. And I just walked away. I was like, I got fired from a job for being an asshole to a pizza person once. Really? Yeah, my very first job.

I was 13 years old and I was delayed. It wasn't really a job job. So I was 13. So I was younger than you could have a job job. But I was delivering flyers for a pizza company. So and admittedly, me and my buddy would deliver like we get like a thing of like 2000 flyers and we got paid like 10 cents a flyer. So you deliver like 20 of them and then you just throw them in the creek i know exactly what you

did yes yeah so we didn't deliver a lot there was a shopper paper in my in my neighborhood that everybody did that too they never could get anybody to deliver it yeah we would deliver them for like an hour or two then we'd get bored and just throw them in some like we we would always plan our delivery days on garbage day because you didn't even have to throw them in a creek or anything. You just throw them in somebody's garbage can. And who cares? Yeah. Some guy's like, hmm, fucking pizza delivery guy must live here or whatever.

Right, exactly. So, but we would also get free pizzas from the pizza place. We got like a thing for like a free pizza a month or something. We didn't have any money because we're fucking idiots and we're 13 and we thought we were fucking cool because we had, like, jobs and we were 13. It was me and my idiot buddy Dave. And so, like, we got our free pizza.

We had nothing and we, like, scraped together like some fucking couch cushion change and we gave it to her and I thought I was being clever and I'm like, buy yourself something nice. And the fucking owner of that place

called up and fucking ripped me up one side and down the other side and fired the both of us i got it's a second twice in my life being an asshole i've gotten me and a buddy fired twice i got fired from a burger king for being a smart ass did you yeah didn't you work there for a long time i worked there for like three years that's a that's an eternity when you're that age right when you're that age that age, that's like somebody retiring a job.

When you work three years as a teen at a place, you should get a pen after your second year. Like you should get a Timex watch or something. You get a burger shape watch? I tell you what, you should. The turnover rate, not only at a fast food place, but also at that age. I remember I worked three weeks in a McDonald's. Three whole weeks? Three weeks.

American weeks? It felt like an eternity. I wound up one day, but I had long hair at the time. So I had long hair that was in my, and I used to have to tuck it in my hat. They wanted us to tuck the hair in the hat. Well, my buddy was working the grill and I was working in back. And I remember at one point they bring back the cinnamon rolls. They're going to throw them out. And they're going to throw them out and they're going to throw

them out anyway and the guy's like this one old guy who's like an old timer like fucking retiree who's working there he's like shame they're going to throw them out he's like you should eat one and I was like fucking hey I'm hungry and I'm a kid I'll eat one so I reach in and grab one and this manager comes up and she's like what are you doing and I was like I'm eating a cinnamon roll and she's like you can't eat any of the food

and I was like but we're going to throw it away it's garbage she's like you can't eat any of the food! And I was like, but we're going to throw it away. It's garbage. She's like, you can't eat it! Like her fucking eyeballs came out. She screamed at me. She's like, you do that, I got your phone. I was like, okay, fine. Wait, she fired you? No, like two weeks later, this is like my third day on the job I do this.

Two weeks later, I'm working the salad area in the back, just doing the work. And my buddy's up by the grill and he's doing his grilling stuff. The boss comes up to him. The owner of the place comes by to him and he's got his ponytail tucked down his back of his shirt. It's just his hat and then a little tiny strip and then it's down the back

of his shirt. The hat he has is way too small to fit all of his... He had long hair. So did I. It was mid-back, maybe longer. It was tucked up into his hat. If he tried to do that, it would not fit on his head even at the tightest thing. He's like, there's nothing he can do. So he had to tuck it back. So the guy comes back and says, you gotta put your hair in your hat.

And he says, I can't put my hair in the hat. He's like, you gotta put your hair in your hat or you leave. And my buddy's like, well, fuck you then. And he turns around and he walks over. He's like, I just quit. And I was like, cool. I quit too. And then we walked out and left out. It was awesome. You got fired though from Burger King?

I got fired and I got my buddy fired. And this was a place... Is it the same guy who delivered flyers with you? No, but this was a place where you couldn't do... There were no rules at this Burger King. It was a fucking free-for-all. I was managed by teenagers. Yeah, and it's like Kitchen Confidential.

People banging in the fucking storeroom. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like you could do literally anything. We had fireworks displays on the roof. We'd, you know, managers wouldn't show up. We'd climb onto the roof, climb down through the trap door, and me and my buddy would open the store because we thought it was funny.

We'd break into the office by climbing over the drywall, like the ceiling. Holy shit. I mean, we would open the place in the middle of the night because we thought it was funny. Like, just like 2 in the morning, we'd be like, let's open the Burger King. And we'd open it for and run it for an hour or two and then close it back down. Just because we could. I mean, we did fucking everything.

That sounds illegal, actually. Everything we did was illegal. I mean, like, I threw a kid in the dumpster and, like, locked him in the dumpster. We set the dumpster on fire. Wait, was he on fire before you threw him in? No, they're two separate. Okay, two separate. Like, it was amazing.

It was so much fun. It was a total madhouse. But I was dating this girl who was friends with the manager, and I was fucking shitty to her. And so she fired me and my buddy. Well, there you go. That was it. That's it. You're shitty to her. Like, alright, well. I guess so being an asshole, it turns out,

I've gotten two people fired. I quit UPS too. Take that, UPS. I only worked there for a couple weeks. Get a job and quit right now. I was only working there for a couple weeks, but I wound up working there and I was unloading trucks. There have two jobs there's two jobs in ups at the startup load and unload that's it i nailed it everybody gets a load everybody everybody who

starts gets a load so you have to learn how to load a truck that's what you do load a truck load a truck well when i came in i was like i don't want to load a truck i was like i don't want to do this i was like i i just want to unload and the guy's like okay but you got to come back in like four weeks because we're not doing that for a while. We don't need anybody who runs in that cycle for a while. I was like, okay, that's fine. And I just didn't come back because I had another full-time job during the day. And I was only going to work the four-hour shift at night and then go home. And I was going to do it the four days a week, five days a week that I needed to do it, whatever.

My buddy was going to pick me up at work every day, and it was totally going to work out. I show up at work several days in a row, work, work, work. And I'm working hard, whatever. And then I got sick. And I got really sick, feverish sick, where you're really sick. But I didn't take the day off. I came into work. I was like, I'm feeling sick, but I'm coming to work.

And I walk up, and the guy's like, I start to move, and I'm moving a little slow. I'm drinking some Gatorade to try to stay hydrated. I'm trying to move a little slow. And the guy comes up. He's like, hey, man move and I'm moving a little slow. I'm drinking some, you know, some Gatorade to try to stay hydrated. I'm trying to move in a little slow. Right. And the guy comes up. He's like, hey, man, you got to speed it up. Let's go. And I was like, I'm feeling a little sick tonight.

One. I'm sorry. He's like, he's like, I don't care. It's like, get it. Get moving. He's like, you need to move. He's like, I don't care what you feel like. And I was like, I do.

And he's like, well, I don't get to work. And I said, I'll move as fast as I can. And he leaves and he comes back to me. So he's like, you're still moving super slow. You got to get going. I was like, one, don't't get to work. And I said, I'll move as fast as I can. And he leaves. And he comes back to me and says, you're still moving super slow. You got to get going. I was like, one, don't push me, man. I was like, I can't go any faster. And he's like, man, either you go faster or you don't work.

And I was like, well, okay, I'll just not work. Yeah, peace. And I start to walk away. He's like, are you quitting on me? And I was like, yeah, I'm quitting. I was like, isn't that what you wanted me to do just a few minutes ago he's like you can't just walk out on the job and i was like no i can you're gonna see me do it right now i was like i was like you're literally gonna watch me do this i was like

this may be a brand new experience for you i was like so just enjoy it and i start walking away and he's like man that's fucked up cecil and i was like the world is fucked up and then i punched out and i walked the fuck out of there and i sat in a car for two and a half hours until my buddy got off work i didn't even try to finish out the shift i was like fuck it yeah just sick fuck off it was an extra job that i didn't need and i was like sorry i'm gone there's nothing like it's so easy to quit an extra job i took a second second job working mornings at a Borders Books once. Oh, yeah? Because times were getting a little rough.

I'm like, oh, I could use a little bit of extra income. Sure. I took a job working from like 6 to 8, and then I would go in and work from my regular 9 to whatever at the other job. And when I didn't need that job anymore, I was just like, well, I'm not waking up at 5 in the morning to go to this job anymore. Yeah. So I just was like, yeah, I'm not working here anymore. I'd sleep there, too, all the time. Would you really?

I wouldn't even do it intentionally. I'd just be sitting there like, dude, I don't care who you are. 6 in the morning, fucking shelving books. The store is dead quiet. You could be a librarian who gets a hard-on from the Dewey Decimal System. You're just alphabetizing. Yeah. You could be a librarian who gets a hard-on from the Dewey Decimal System. It's like alphabetizing. And I would just sit.

I'd be sitting on that little stool, and I'd be like, I've got this pile of books, and all I'm doing is shelving and alphabetizing. And I would just drift off. I don't blame you one bit. Because I'll tell you what. I did it like a lot. When I have insomnia, what I think about is shelving books.