Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 247: Juggling Duggler

Episode Date: September 7, 2015

   

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey, Cecil. Hey, Tom. It is totally unfair that a clerk who refuses to issue a marriage license to a gay couple could lose her job. We can't infringe on religious liberty just because it's inconvenient. But in my office, we have a fantastic guy working in tech support who happens to be Amish.

Now, everybody loves him. We would hate to see him lose his job over his religious beliefs. Now, I'm sure he hasn't fixed a damn thing in years. And last week, he didn't show up at all because his horse threw a shoe. He really only has an eighth grade education. You know, come to think of it, he's pretty damn useless around here. Just eats donuts and whittles all day. You know, I hope that asshole does lose his job.

Fuck the Amish. Hey guys, this is Tucker again. So, let me get this straight. Pat Robertson is upset about the fucking government funding abortions, which they don't do, but we'll ignore that, and his recommendation, since the stock market is going to implode any second now due to this, is to buy treasuries, which are one of the means by which the federal government funds itself. Does anybody else see a problem

with this? Am I just fucking crazy here? I don't know. Glory hole. Hey Tom and Cecil, this is Jeremiah from No Religion Required and I really have to say I'm really disappointed

on some of your coverage and how inaccurate you guys are, particularly your knowledge of Scandinavian metal. So just so you know, Sweden is not known, well, Sweden is known for its death metal, but it's Norway that is known for its black metal, and there's a huge difference. And death metal does not sound anything like what you guys were trying to do on your last podcast. You guys were like... No, it's more like... And Norwegian black metal is more like... Ah! is more like... So, I just thought I'd come in

and clear some things up for you guys. But, you know, anyway, glory hole. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from Gloria hole studios in Chicago. This is cognitive dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad.

It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 247 of Cognitive Dissonance. Doop-dop-diddly-doo! 37 of cognitive dissonance. Doop-dop-diddly-doo! You're waiting with bated breath to drop yourself a Norwegian death metal lyric right in the beginning. I do love me some Norwegian death metal. Right in the beginning. Man.

After we recorded that episode last week where we made fun of Norwegian death metal. It's probably not. Isn't it like, didn't we call it Swedish death metal last week? I don't know if we did. I think we did. It's all fucking squished over there. They're all ball countries. They're all hanging sack countries.

They're actually drawn right up there. It's cold, you know? If it's winter, then they get a little smaller. I think even in summer it's winter there. It's fucking ridiculous. Jesus. It's like, oh, it only snowed every day. It must be summer.

That's great awesome country um but i actually like i actually googled like the first and watched a video on youtube for the first thing that came up for uh that fucking they all look like they're members of kiss do they like they got the fucking face paint and they're like insane clown posse's out and they look super serious and they're like they're like playing their fucking music on like the side of a mountain cause everything's on the side of a mountain there's like fucking lightning striking in the background

it's just like they are so fucking I am so serious every time I hear that music I always think of the clerks part where he's like I would like to making fire that's what it's it's so ridiculous oh that's awesome so ridiculous it's almost as ridiculous as fucking houston houston is awesome from what i know it's like the best place in the universe

you know normally we'll wait it's in texas so it's gotta suck dude i've been to three cities in texas and i've liked two out of the three. Oh, okay. San Antonio is- I hear San Antonio is not supposed to be in Texas. San Antonio is the Naperville of Texas. Austin isn't Austin, the other place that's- I haven't been there, but I've been to Dallas.

Dallas is a very- Architecturally, it's a pretty city. It's just a pretty city. They got big-ass buildings. It's nicely taken care of. The women in Dallas are unnaturally beautiful, and I don't know why but i'm fucking dead serious yeah houston is a fuck it's houston is like fucking cicero illinois writ large it's fucking you just it's just a fucking pit interestingly i found out right before or after I got there that Houston has no zoning laws.

And it looks, now that I know that, it looks exactly like a city built with no zoning laws. So you have like a huge like office building next door to like a 24-hour massage parlor over. And then there's like a fucking steakhouse. But next to that is like some dumpy discount record store. You know, like it's just like nobody's driving. Except that in Houston you have to fucking drive for a thousand miles to get anywhere. You land. I fucking landed in both of the airports now in Houston.

I landed in fucking George Bush Airport. Never again. Oh, no. Then I landed in Hobby, which is the other airport. You lose like six IQ points when you land in george bush i was nervous that the pilot would be fucking too stupid to land the plane again so i was like fuck that fool me once shame on you shame on don't fool me don't fool me again don't misunderestimate me like whatever so i landed in the other airport They're both fucking 45 minutes from everything

You drive like the expressways You're just driving along And it's like exit to the left Exit to the right Fucking exit on every side It's like the highway has no zoning laws They're just randomly making decisions It is a fucking disgusting pit of a city

It can't decide if it's gentrifying or if it's fucking crashing. Everywhere you go, it's like, that's kind of nice. Let's go over in that area. Oh, that area is also dumpy at the same time as being nice. How is the food? Awesome? It's fucking horrible. The best place is fucking disgusting.

Every time I travel for work, I do the same thing, right? Like, I travel for work. I get situated. I do a little travel for work. I get situated. I do a little bit of work. I get set. It's ready for dinner. I go on Yelp, and I look for a brew pub. I want to try.

I want to sample something local. Every time I do the same thing, and I'm rarely disappointed, but both times I've been to fucking Houston, horrifyingly disappointed. Right. The best beer there is a St. Arnold, which is mediocre at best. But when I Google yelp like what's the best brew pub i can find it's a fucking english restaurant how many fucking english restaurants you've been to bro one yeah exactly one and i'll never go here too i'll never go back i sat there i shit you not i sit there at the fucking bar and the woman comes by and she's like

hey you know what can i get for you i'm like what is your favorite thing on the menu and she's like, hey, what can I get for you? I'm like, what is your favorite thing on the menu? And she says to me, the burgers are half off. And I was like, okay. Are they your favorite thing on the menu? And she just looked at me. As if to imply no food served here could conceivably

be my favorite. When I'm eating a bowl of shit, it is impossible for me to decide if I want corn in it. You know what I mean? You're not sure if that adds or subtracts from the experience. Houston is that bowl of corn-filled shit.

On its best day. I went to one English restaurant and I ordered fish and chips. And I ate one half of one piece of fish. And then I immediately went home and took a nap where your stomach hurts, where you're laying on the bed and just being like, I don't want to do anything. Because it was so filled with grease. If I would have put it in a napkin, I could have wrung it out.

How many times in your life have you heard this phrase? Hey, let's order English food. No? Never. No, fucking never. You know, hey, let's get Chinese. Oh, let's order pizza. You want to get some Thai food?

Oh, let's grab some Indian. You fucking heard all of those things in your life. Nobody's ever said, let's go get some English food. It's true. The English don't even want English food. That's why they eat curry. Right? Because it's fucking Indian food. Because it's something else.

It's just like fucking, let's, they had to take over an entire country to get a spice palette actually worth consuming. And Houston, that's the best place to eat. That was the best place I could find within a reasonable driving

my god and i i said a reasonable driving distance is 30 minutes i'm like i'm willing to drive 30 minutes to get to some place that's not horrible this was the best place i could find on yelp i had the fish and chips yeah it's like fucking it's like trust the gordon fisherman fish you know what i mean it's like all right i mean i I've had fucking fish sticks that I fed to a kid that were moderately better than that. They weren't aggressively worse. Holy shit, dude. It was awful.

And that's still the best thing. Was it like a five-star place on Yelp? It was four. The best I could find was four on Yelp. It had like a hundred reviews. It was called like the bull and the bear or something. So hey, if you're in fucking Houston, that place is gross. Don't fucking go there. Here's my

review. Disgusting fucking city. And it doesn't even have the fucking good sense to be like the rest of Texas where it's hot but not humid. It's fucking a million humid in Houston. It's disgusting. You walk out, it's like fucking

puke soup. It's a wretched hole in the ground. Sounds like the Indiana of the South. It's not that bad. Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today marriage that wedding arrangement

that dream within a dream so before we get started tom let's talk a little bit about rowan county and kim davis so kim davis sweetie today was arrested tragedy by the uh by the uh marshals u.s marshals they took her out uh and because she was refusing to give marriage licenses not just to gay couples just across the board she just decided that nuclear option this is this is not going to happen uh and they they requested that she did it and she said no no no and then they finally had to remove her from her position uh forcibly basically take her then they cited with contempt of court they did they cited her with contempt of court and they kept her in custody um i actually think uh that

this is the worst thing that could possibly happen. And I'm going to explain why. We are going to have a rash of people misinterpreting what's going to happen now where she gets arrested as not arrested for not doing her job, but arrested because she was Christian. And that's what we're going to deal with. I think from now for the next, I would say maybe six or seven months, they're going to keep on using this as an example of how we're persecuting Christians in this country. And, you know, I don't know that there was another option. I'm not saying that, you know, maybe the worst thing that can happen is the only thing that can happen. I don't know if there was another option. I don't think there was. I don't think

because she's an elected official from what I read she couldn't be so she can't be fired um you know i don't know that there's a no contest type of thing that you can even do and i don't know how fast that that would be so i don't know you know i mean like the worst case scenario seems to be like the only case scenario in a lot of ways so i don't think that there's a lot of a lot of ways around it but i think it's a i don't think it's a great thing that it happened i think it's actually a bad thing that she got arrested i think that it's there's a lot of ways around it, but I don't think it's a great thing that it happened. I think it's actually a bad thing that she got arrested. I think that it's going to spark a lot of people that are going to misrepresent this throughout the entire media for many, many weeks to come. I don't disagree, and I actually think that they're going to – they're probably going to look at this as a case of civil disobedience i i would imagine that within not it won't be a week before brian fisher

one of his fucking ill compares her to rosa parks oh yeah they're going to talk about this as if this is you know some act of grand civil disobedience and patriotism and uh all of that sort of nonsense and she's going to become kind of a right-wing martyr that's what i was thinking a martyr yeah and it's it it's ridiculous yeah like this is a fucking this is the degenerate bigot who refused to do her job because she couldn't bigot properly at work yeah it'd be like if you showed up and you're just like i don't fucking marry black couples to white you know black dudes to white women or whatever or Or whatever, yeah. Yeah, it's like, well, you can't fucking do that. You were elected to do a job.

Yeah. And the courts have said your ideas about this don't matter. Right. And they don't matter. Like, do you approve? And it's like, you don't approve of every, do you approve of every marriage that comes through your door? I don't think about it.

But yeah, I mean, I understand, I understand where you're coming from. If that was my job, do I have to have a sign of like an approval stamp? And I know a lot of people are digging into her past and saying like she had a bunch of marriages and kids out of this or whatever. Who cares? You know what I mean? Like I understand that what they're trying to say is that she's a hypocrite because what she's trying to do is put marriage on this pedestal. She's a hypocrite because what she's trying to do is put marriage on this pedestal and she's saying they shouldn't get a marriage whereas she has gone through four and they're trying to explain it that way. I think that's a distraction too.

I don't think it's worth talking about. I think the fact that she's not able to perform her job in a reasonable fashion right you know it'd be like uh somebody sent us a message where they said uh i'm a i'm a muslim and i work for the dmv and uh now i just don't want to give uh licenses to women sure so you know it's against my religion again and and if you go to certain parts of the world that's a real thing where women can't drive because they think they're going to get fucking impregnated by the steering wheel or whatever. Like somebody like there's a spore that touched the steering wheel because they have no idea how the body works. They're just like, I don't know. Like, can you get pregnant if you just touch something?

I don't know. Maybe. Probably. Let's just put her in a bag and just keep her in the bag. Quiet. Quiet. Put her in this bucket. Yeah.

All right. So but I just think I think it's an it's it's not a great day. I know a lot of people are like, ha ha. She got she got arrested or whatever. I don't care one way or the other. The goal. That was her goal. That was it was it was everything she wanted.

Right. So I'm going to get a book deal. I'll see what happens. We'll see what happens with this. But I don't think it's the best thing ever. And I know suddenly, you know, fucking everybody's me like typing away. It's in those emails. It tells that I'm wrong. But it's just my opinion. I just think I think this is

going to be, you know, and I could be wrong. You know, my fortune teller skills might be off. And in two weeks, there might be nothing about this. But I don't think so. I don't think so. Did you see the Christian, the Onion article? The headline was like, Christian science pharmacist refuses to give any medications.

That's great, too. That's great because that's a perfect encapsulation of the difficulty with saying like, well, you know, maybe we'll make this accommodation. The accommodation is an unreasonable accommodation because it infringes upon the rights of other people in mass in order to protect one person and their right, if you even have a right, to be a bigot. Yeah. You know, it's and also there's a level of just ridiculousness to it. Like, where does it stop? Where does that nonsense end? And I thought that that onion headline fucking crushed it. There was another one, another joke article that had amish at the dmv so the amish person didn't want to give anybody

drivers drivers licenses because they they just didn't want right and that's and that and that's exactly it it's like and we had somebody call in one of the voicemails that started the show was an amish tech support guy you know i mean like it's it's a joke it's like it doesn't make any sense none of this stuff makes any sense but um but you're right i think she might get a book deal out of this she'll get a she's definitely gonna make her her circuit once she's done on the right wing talk shows she'll be a hero let's fuck i'll fuck anything that moves so this story comes from the Huffington Post. Catholic priest claims 15-year-old teen wanted sexual contact.

Oh, man. So this dude, he has sex with a 15-year-old boy. Right. And then when he gets busted, he's like, whoa, that kid had fucking evil on his mind. Yeah, that kid wanted it. That kid wanted me to fucking. It's like all those other kids that do child pornography. Right. I mean, they wouldn't be doing child pornography if they didn't want to entice other people.

Look, they were fucking smiling when we pinned their smile face back. When we put the horse bridle in their mouth, they all look like they're smiling. Oh, man. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. It's just fucking ridiculous. He says in the article, he's like, yeah, it was a mistake, but I'm not a pedophile. It's like, actually. And I just want to say maybe, I don't know.

Probably. Yeah, you probably are. Super duper that. Well, if he's a pedophile, you know what they do immediately is they ship him off to another country, which is what happened. He immediately got shipped over off to another country. And that sucks because it's like this shell game that they have. It's like they just move these guys around. You don't know where they're at.

And it's the worst shell game ever because the win is you get to pick like a Snickers bar. But the loss is like a nonconsensual handjob. And that sucks! It sucks to lose that game. That sucks on both accounts, because not only is it non-consensual, but it's also a handjob. Which is already the

consolation prize of sex acts. It really is. It's like while you're getting the handjob, you just tear in the back on that sad trombone like, wah-wah. That's about how long it takes, too. As soon as she, wah, wah. I'm done. All right.

Just clean me up. Can I have a clean ex? It's fine. Just give me a washcloth and get the hell out of here. Gosh. I wonder when they're going to new the new educational video game for those people like like uh who in the world groped carmen santiago i don't want to see the the cut scenes for that actually yeah it's a it's one actually you'll get arrested by the fbi if you have them on your computer. Like, I was just trying to learn geography. I don't know.

It's completely innocuous. I just wanted to learn about geography and anatomy. Yeah, there's a part in this article where he's talking about how the kid has evil in his mind. And then he says something like he says he was old like, he says, he was old enough to walk away,

but I think that I was attracted to him. That is the only explanation I could think of right now. And it's like, this is a 15-year-old kid. You can't say that he had any kind of volition here in this. He's a 15-year-old. He doesn't get to make that decision. Whether or not he made that decision. His argument is, the 15-year-old seduced me.

Yeah. That's actually his argument. That's what he's saying. He had evil on his mind. In other words, he initiated or overpowered me with his sexuality or whatever. And you're just like, what the fuck are you talking about, bro? Like, here's what you do with 15 year old kids you don't fuck them yeah like that's what you do you do that 100% of

the time it's a pretty easy standard right it turns out yeah yeah it's not and then later on like you can even do that with 16 and 17 year olds you can do that all the way down the line as it turns out yeah yeah younger too younger is what you can do that all the way down the line as it turns out. Yeah. Yeah. Younger to younger is what you can do is you can exercise some fucking discretion over your own physical activity. Like the fact that you happen to be attracted to somebody doesn't mean that it's OK for

you to fuck them. Like that's not how that works. Like you still have to make a moral choice. Sure. Priest. You would think they would understand that. Right? Yeah.

And then he says later, like, he's like, hey, you know, I just come from my country. And really, in Ecuador, a person at 15 year old is not considered so innocent. Well, not after you fuck them, they're not. Oh, no. Oh, God. That's so bad. Oh, no. Oh, God.

That's so bad. And then later, because like, but he must have known it was bad because later he says, but I haven't, like, I hasn't had any sex with any other minors. I was like, well, if you really didn't think that there was any moral component to it, why wouldn't you have sex with lots of minors? Why don't you just have like a fucking minor orgy? Right? Like a fucking, I'll have a major and minor orgy.

I'll have a major minor orgy. I'll have a major and minor orgy. I'll have a major minor orgy. Just invite them in. You put little stamps on their hand. It's like a little party. There you go. Here's your wristband. Put the keys to your bike in the fishbowl. Oh, no.

You are watching the beginning and the birth of the new world order. And you want to call me crazy? Go to hell. Call me crazy all you want. This is from Right Wing Watch. Do you have ammunition and guns and God? And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and? Glenn Beck warns that

fascism, war, and hunger are coming. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Let's listen to Glenn Beck warns that fascism, war, and hunger are coming. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's listen to Glenn Beck because he's always awesome. You know, there's going to be a point where Glenn Beck comes out like the guy in Predator. You remember the bald guy who's always like shaving his head with a razor? Jesse Ventura played him, right? No, the black guy, the bald guy. He's like crazy who's always just got these big crazy eyes all the time.

Like Glenn Beck is one day going to come out bald with a razor on his bald skin and he'll just be standing and be like, you need guns and God. And people will just be like, yeah, that's just Glenn Beck. They won't even blink an eye. I want to get this out of the way first because I do honestly think at this point that Glenn Beck is seriously mentally ill. And he's rich and nobody is telling him. Right.

And nobody is getting him treatment he's just like he's just like network he's just like network it's happening yeah right in front of us and it's glenn beck it's not but so it's like not even it's almost not even fun to go after glenn beck it's it's starting to get to the point where you're not sure that he is but i'm not sure enough where i can still make fun of him yeah well because you saw didn't you say he was on npr and he was he sounded completely cogent on npr but they they never asked him any leading questions at all he was anti-trump on npr that's all he was that's all they had him on was to talk about trump that he didn't like him that was it interesting yeah

what show was he on you remember a weekend edition interesting speaking of weekend edition before we even get into this because because it was hilarious. Did you hear about Deez Nuts? No. You didn't hear about Deez Nuts? What? Not specifically? So this kid in Iowa makes this campaign that he's going to run for president. He's only like 15 or 16, and he calls himself Deez Nuts.

And he gets 15% of the vote. deez nuts and he gets 15 of the vote and the very best part the very best part is that this guy everybody in the united states now has to talk about him so everybody on the news reports is like deez nuts got 15 of the vote the very best part is the guy from weekend edition whatever the guy's name is i forget the guy but he's got a very iconic voice, right? And he's a great, great news person. Like, he's wonderful. I love listening to Weekend Edition. He's my favorite NPR show. The best

line this last week was he's like actually, let me find a clip of it. Let me just see if I can find it, because you're going to laugh your ass off when you hear him say it. One candidate who's attracted attention is Deez Nuts. Despite, maybe because he's a 15-year-old from Iowa, young Mr. Nuts is shown as

rolling 10% in North Carolina. I wonder if Deez Nuts running against Captain Crunch is related to Grape Nuts. A lot of Bushes and Kennedys run for office. Why not Nuts? Oh, it's great!

The very best part is everybody's so tongue-in-cheek the whole time and everybody gets to play off of it. I think that that kid, that 15-year-old just had this brilliant flash where he's... It's fucking comedic genius

and it's a fucking 30-year-old joke at this point. God, it's got to fucking 30 year old joke at this point like these nuts is god it's got to be 30 years old already that kid is a goddamn superhero in his high school it's amazing in his high school it's amazing he could walk around and just fuck everybody in the fucking young mr nuts is the best thing ever it's so funny that's like i mean he was got vote for these nuts like like it's awesome that's true all right so speaking of crazy people yeah blend back speaking of nuts when the correction finally hits and we're not there it is going to be worse than 2008 worse than 2007 which percentage wise

was the worst drop we've ever had that is worse, 1987, percentage-wise than the Great Depression. And if we continue to follow progressive principles and, quite honestly, common core math. What the fucking what? Common core math. Why would, why, wait, wait, whoa. If we continue to follow, I don't think anybody follows common core math. Like, I'm going the way of common core math. Why would, why, oh wait, wait, whoa. If we continue to follow, I don't think anybody follows Common Core math, like I'm going the way of Common Core math. Which way did Common Core math go?

Follow him! Hey, Common Core West, Common Core West! What are you talking about? You pay a cabbie like $50, follow that Common Core math. What did Common Core math have to say? That's my candidate. Like, what? What? We're going to follow Common Core math. We did Common Core Math have to say? That's my candidates. Like, what? What?

We're going to follow Common Core Math. We're going to go into a fucking great recession or depression because people arrive at numerical values using a different system. It's like saying, like, well. It's a bullet point that he can get people rallied behind. Yes. It's just like he's just naming things he doesn't like. Like, my fucking white pale ales. Just like, okay't like that either we follow brussels sprouts we will repeat the same mistakes that we made in the 1930s and the 1940s and the world will follow with fascism

communism war and hunger dragons don't forget the dragons yeah no that's very true what are you kidding me like what did we did we like did we did we unleash an ancient terror we were mining for our mithril you fucking lunatic i just we're just scared of everything i'm so scared i i found out today because we're talking about the dow here. He's talking about this crash. The crash. In 2010, the Dow was at 10,462. That's 2010.

Around this week, 2010. Today, it ended at 16,374. It's a crash. The recent dip that we went down from that we're now recovering from. That we've already corrected from. Right. 15,666. Yeah.

The dip was inconsequential and so short-lived. But it's like they want to seize on it, right? Because every day, if all you're doing is like you're the harbinger of doom, and then you don't get any doom out of it. You need as much doom as you can. Right? Yeah, you got to sweep as much doom as you can into a pile and hope that you get enough in your dustbin. They're fucking weird doom collectors.

They are. They're crazy. This guy's particularly crazy. Oh, right. I mean, this guy is fucking one minute away from selling the cornmeal buckets. You know what I mean? He is. He's right at the edge of building a fucking shelter in his backyard and burying fucking tubes.

Yeah, oh, yeah. He's got just like a fucking hamster house out there. It's going to happen, gang. Did he just call us gang? What are we, fucking little rascals? Like do I have a dog with like a fucking black eye? And like a guy who talks like this? Hey, gang, what are we doing?

Should we go down to the old fishing hole? Hey, gang. Well, fellas, I love the gang. Are you kidding me? Now, you and I have been made fun of relentlessly for advising our friends to prepare yeah and you deserve every moment of it yeah but believe me no one will be laughing when the chickens come home to roost i'm laughing and probably eating your chickens it's not a matter of uh if it is truly a matter of when are you prepared see now this is it though

it's not a matter of if it's a matter of when yeah and that's real easy sure it's real easy to say it's not a matter of if it's when well when if it doesn't have a time frame on it, it doesn't mean anything. I mean, fucking in 4.6 billion years, we're looking at the fucking exploding of the planet because it gets sucked up into the sun or whatever. But if you have food on hand, you'll be fine. You'll be fine. I'm eating a Snickers bar as the sun. You have like a hamster wheel underneath your ground and you're good. Do you have food on hand?

Do you have cash on hand? What the fuck would cash do for you? on hand good would it do what cash do for why would i want it wait a minute in his scenario the global economy is collapsing right and you need food somehow you need food what the fuck good would cash do for you what would i do with the cash isn't isn't this a world where my cash has become grossly devalued yeah or maybe or maybe not i guess like inflation or deflation could equally, I guess. But you don't need food if you have cash. Yeah.

You know, you can get your food. Yeah. You get your food. It's basically a linen. Yeah. You can digest it, right? Do you have ammunition and guns? And God, most importantly.

I have him. He's in my gun safe. What the fuck would God do for you? He already fucking abandoned you. He already abandoned you and you're fucking starving. Or none of this would be happening. Yeah. Right?

You're just like, I would really like the collapse of our civilization not to occur. Well, golly, I didn't know. I hope y'all done built one of them fancy God shelters underneath that ground. I was too busy listening to Norwegian death metal. Doot-deet-deedly-doo is my favorite thing now. I love the doot-deet-deedly-doos. I could listen to that all day. Gets my coon dog a-howling.

Oh, did your economy collapse? I don't really understand that. Whoopsie-doodle-doot-deet-deedly-doodle. I'm sorry about that. Maybe y'all could rub a goat on it or something. I don't really understand all these high-tech things. You know, you ain't been sacrificing any wet bowls

to me anytime soon, so what do you want me to do? I hear foreskin futures are up. He's like those buy gold guys, you know? Well, that's it. And the thing is, it's even worse because cash has literally nothing that it gonna do for you like cash is you know i could see the food goal and the food thing is stupid too because there's no way you're gonna have enough

food to survive like you will never have enough food i don't care how fucking stocked your fucking you know under fucking house pantry is or whatever, even if you filled the entire thing where you couldn't even walk into it, that's not going to last you, you know, an indefinite amount of time. Yeah. You can, you can sock away enough food for a few weeks. Yeah. Maybe, maybe, you know, maybe if you're fucking amazing, you can do a couple of years. Yeah.

But at that point, like, you know, I mean, what do you, what are you expecting after a couple of years? If you haven't gotten expecting my food to start going bad. That's what I'm expecting. If you haven't gotten things in place in a couple of years to fucking sustain yourself, you're just going to die of starvation after two years. Dude, seriously, if two years goes by and I still can't go buy a food at a place, then it's the road.

It's the road. And it's fucking baby soup. I don't care at that point. I'm fucking eating a's the road. And it's fucking baby soup. I don't care at that point. I'm fucking eating a gun anyway. Yeah, it's fucking baby soup. I don't know about you, but when I think about a world like that, it's like, well, I don't want to live in that. Yeah, I don't either.

And there's no afterlife. So if it's like, hey, you could live in fucking desolate, screaming squalor full of pain and misery, or you could just not be anymore. I'd be like, well, fucking, I'll just not be anymore. Yeah. I don't have any fucking issues around that. That was fucking joy-filled.

I'll fucking kill myself, y'all. Oh, the fucking joy-filled nights we have in fucking Gloriful Glorial Studios. Can we talk about something, I don't know. Absurd? No. No. I don't know. Uplifting? Do we have any? I don't know Absurd? No I don't know, uplifting? We need a new show That's what we need

We need a new show It's called like puppy petting review That sounds like an awesome show though Puppy petting review I petted the husky That was amazing Although if you had that show You would get fucking emails Poppy petting you I petted the husky That was amazing He was super Although Although

If you had that show You would get fucking Emails from people I hate petting huskies Their coat's too oily You'd be like Fucking Jesus You know you would get that shit

Yeah you'd be like I pet like three kittens They'd be like Fucking I I fucking hate cats I know right Like cats are mean It was super cute

I enjoyed it Yeah A super lot I hate you so much I I'm going to face fuck your mom's ear. Wait, what? Well, okay. All right. No, that's fine. Stick a bagel in there while you're at it.

I'll fucking put a schmear on it. I don't give a shit. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to Dissonance.Podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Do you want to support the show?

Go to Patreon.com. Do you want to support the show? Go to patreon.com. That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com forward slash dissonance pod. Or click the link on the podcast homepage, and you can donate to the production of Cognitive Dissonance on a per-episode basis. If you can't spare any money, take a second to give us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher, or spread the word about the show.

We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. This comes from MSN.com. The secret to the psychic trade? It's in the parole board transcripts. So this is kind of interesting. Celia Mitchell was up in front of a parole board for being a fucking fortune telling fraud and she was pretty blunt man they like they kept asking her like time and

again like so is it all bullshit and she's like oh yeah the whole fucking thing just made it all i think it's crazy that we have parole boards this day and age that are like a fucking curious about whether or not it's fucking bullshit that that line of questioning they seemed a little incredulous yeah based on they were like so you can't see the future like at all like even a little bit they were like fuck it are you kidding me like it's four o'clock you don't even know like Jesus what are you

what are you like seven years old and think there's princesses somewhere like fucking with wings fairy wings and shit like what the fuck is wrong with you you're like a fucking you are an adult don't you fucking realize that fucking psychics aren't a real goddamn thing i was i was reading i was like are you fucking kidding me you're actually asking that question i was mad at the article i wanted to i wanted to

take the entire parole board and clunk their heads together the parole board should be a series like a set of like sober reflective men and women who are making life and death decisions, not only for the people they're paroling, but also for the citizenry they're protecting. Yeah. And they're sitting there like, so wait a minute, let's get back to whether or not you can read the future on somebody's hand. Well, hold on a second. Are you saying that if you flip over a card and it's like a card with a picture on it that's not indicative of what's gonna happen to them in the future so just how much can you know and the woman's like it's all yeah bullshit she's like she's like it's literally

all bullshit yeah she's none of it i wanted to talk though real quick about this it says in earlier this summer a times square psychic named priscilla Kelly Delmaro, 26, was charged with taking seven hundred thirteen thousand nine hundred and seventy five dollars from a marketing professional in Brooklyn after promising to reunite him with a woman he loved. Even after the man discovered that the woman had died. I can't even I don't even have a good enough imagination to know what to do with 713 000 i thought about it today i was like what would i do with 713 000 the first thought is like well i'd pay off my mortgage and then i was like i don't know what else i would do right i'm kind of done i'm um i'd probably put it in the bank and then just keep working i don't even know like i don't even have a good enough imagination for that.

I think I could get through a good half of it pretty quick. Yeah. I think I could bang through half of it in about 45 minutes. I feel like maybe an hour it would take me to get through that. But then once the strippers are all tired, you know? And you've got to pay them extra because they've got to look at you. I know. Jesus.

You're just fucking – it's just fucking – whatever. It's the only thing that keeps them in the room because the stench is pushing them out. It's a huge room. It's two strippers. You got a shotgun full of fucking $100 bills. No, but seriously. You got to stun them with it. It's like a rubber bullet.

They leave with these giant $ dollar bill bruises on them. No, but I just, I don't even know. Like I just, I'm, I'm, I'm at a loss.

It's so much money. It's a lot of money, man. It's a lot of money to be told by some woman who identifies herself as a gypsy, by the way. And I know, I know we're not allowed to say gypsy anymore,

but she identified herself. She says, I'm a gypsy. Actually, she's a, she's a person a gypsy, by the way. And I know we're not allowed to say gypsy anymore. But she identified herself. She identified herself. She says, I'm a gypsy. Actually, she's a person with gypsyism. But she's a – She's a gypsum. She's a person with gypsum. She's basically drywall.

We're going to get fucking a million emails. You're not allowed to say that word. Well, she actually said that that's what she was. We'll also get emails like, much modern drywall is no longer made of jib. Okay. They're all jibs. We can't stop it. No matter what, we're getting swarmed by emails.

But it's just crazy to me that that's their – that's the reaction of the board and that this mismatch money is able to fly out of people's hands nowadays. Right. We're talking about psychics and like i i read that same part and it's like this woman was 26 when she scammed somebody out of 713 000 almost 714 000 and i mean a part of me was like fucking bravo you're 26 years old you're an entrepreneur it's a lot easier than robbing a bank tell you what tell people what they want to hear. Yeah. Do a little hookah-bookah dance, like whatever it takes.

Yeah. And you get three quarters of a million dollars. Crack a rooster egg somewhere. Who's that guy on the other side of the glory hole? It's Jesus. Sister, it comes from MassLive. Sister, it comes from MassLive. Christian rock musician from Chicopee, held without bail on child pornography possession charges.

And also charged with creating Christian rock, which is really the larger offense out of the two. He's from the Ukraine, I guess and he they found a bunch of images at first he said he said to the investigators he's like look would you like to make it with 12 to 15 year old girls berserker no he said he said he liked 12 to 15 year old girls yes he said look i like 12 to 15 year old girls and they said we're going to look at your computer and they found 8,000 images and 33 videos of some boys and girls as young as eight years old. So it was a little off. Well, you can't. I mean, they don't. A third of the way off when we're coming right down to it.

Here's really the problem for the child pornographer in today's day and age. Sure. Yeah. One of the problems. They don't have. It's not like they have a driver's license. Right. You know, if you're interested in a 12-year-old, you could get tricked by a savvy 8-year-old. Yeah, I mean, geez, depending on the makeup, you're right.

They could be a world-weary 8-year-old. Some 8-year-old walks in with a smoker's cough and a cigarette in the hand hey honey what are you looking for and you have no idea i don't know right yeah this poor guy says she's 12 you take her on her word yeah i can't know you don't know these things it's ridiculous tell you what these all these like little eight-year-olds that are trying to entrap these guys, it's just absolutely ridiculous. I feel bad for Christian rockers. They wake up and they have to think of Christian rock lyrics. Sure, and then play Christian rock licks.

I don't even know if you can call those licks. Hey, now, we're not talking about the other thing. He just had the pornography. We don't know that he actually licked it. How many licks does it take to get to the center of an eight-year-old? Oh, God. So I wanted to do a little quiz here with you, Tom. Okay.

I don't want to answer any of your questions. This quiz is contemporary worship song. Do I need an attorney for this quiz? No, you need an adult. There's not one in the room. It's contemporary worship song or love song. I'm going to read you the lyric, and you tell me whether it's's contemporary worship song or love song. I'm going to read you the lyric and you tell me whether it's a contemporary worship song or a love song. Okay.

Lay back against you and breathe. Hear your heartbeat. This love is so deep. It's more than I can stand. Holy shit. Well, that's got to be a love song. All right. Actually, it's a contemporary worship song.

Ew. Ew. it's a contemporary worship song. Ew! Ew! It's too bodily. I feel your touch as you bring freedom to all that's within. That's contemporary worship. Freedom? Yeah, that's right.

Freedom. That's Liberty University wrote that song. Your love is one in a million. It goes on and on and on. you give me a really good feeling all day long that's horrible that's just hold on a minute can i just judge isn't there just one that just says don't ever listen to this wow somebody's like i don't know on and on what should the next long going long and on i'm gonna do a third on and on and on. So what do you think?

That's a contemporary worship song? It's actually a love song. One in a Million by Aaliyah. I don't know who that is. That's terrible. It's really bad. Turns out it's bad. Your voice is warm and tender, a love that I could not forsake.

Forsake to me sounds like a contemporary Christian rock crap, right? Sorry, it's a love song. Really? Power of Love by Celine Dion. I think I love you. I thought that was the power of love. That's a different song, I think. I think I love you, but I want to know for sure.

Come on, hold me tight. I love you. That's got to know for sure. Come on. Hold me tight. I love you. That's got to be a love song. That can't be a contemporary. That is. That's Wild Thing. That's Wild Thing, a love song. Wild Thing.

Oh, man. All right. So here we go. I can feel you breathe. It's washing over me. Suddenly, I'm melting into you. Ew. Again, there's just something like vaguely like gross and rug about that.

Sure. I'm going to go with contemporary Christian rock song or Christian worship song. This is actually a love song, Breathe by Faith Hill. It's super gross and weird. Although Faith Hill is super hot. I know. Faith Hill. Well, I was just thinking Faith Hill sounds like a Christian rock band anyway. Yes, she does. Okay. love song breathe by faith hill it's super gross and weird although faith hill is i know faith hill well i was just thinking faith hill is like it sounds like a christian rock band anyway yes she does okay and also wow capture my heart again your love is extravagant your friendship it's

it is intimate again i just feel vaguely skeezed out by a lot of these lyrics. Your friendship is what? Vaguely intimate? I guess. I don't know. That's really bad. That's a worship song. Worship song. Yeah.

It is. Your Love is Extravagant by Daryl Evans. It's a worship song. What a great. Your Love is Extravagant? We're going all the way, and the wonder of it all is that I'm living just to fall more in love with you. That's a love song. We're going all the way.

I'm sorry. It's a contemporary worship song called Deeper by Delirious. Really? Really. Ooh. My first, my last, my everything, and the answer to all my dreams. Well, it's an answer to dreams, not prayers. I feel like that's blasphemous.

That's a love song. You're right. This one's a love song. Nailed it. It's by Barry White. You're the first to last in everything. A sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside my chest. It cannot be a worship song.

So I'm going to guess worship song. It is a worship song. Oh,'m going to guess worship song. It is a worship song. Oh, really? Yeah. Super gross. What? It's How He Loves by John Mark. Ew.

You got a half right. I'm fucking kidding. You got five right. All right. Good for you. Look at me go. There were two options. I got half right.

I feel like I'm not real good at statistics, but that could be Chance. Chance could play a role. You know, you're not very good at statistics, but I'm going to agree with you there. I'm going to agree with you. I feel like I crushed that. Yeah. Dude, that sloppy kiss one is a worship song? Bro.

Dude. Bro. Uh-uh. Bro. No. It's so gross. Abortions for all. Very well.

No abortions for anyone. Abortions for some. Miniature American flags for others. So this story comes from Politico.com. Pope Francis to allow priests to forgive women who had abortions. There's a couple of things I like about this article

that struck me. The first is the incredible line of the chain from forgiveness all the way down to where you actually... So like, if a woman has an abortion and and you know destroys the fetus and they decide that that's killing a child so let's use their term so the child is is is harmed then it goes to the woman then it goes to the priest

then it goes to the pope and the pope goes to god it's like six it's like fucking asking kevin bacon for forgiveness it's like it's like going to the the DMV to try to get your fucking sticker. Where you're like, going to the other person. Like, I already went to like seven of you people. The fuck? Can't you? Why don't you give me a goddamn sticker? The fuck do you? Where do you hide the stickers? Are you fucking kidding me?

And they're all just like, no, it's not me, bro. And you're like, who is it then? You're just in the line to ask about stickers. I know, it's the worst too, where you gotta stand in the ask line, and you're like who isn't that you're just in the line to ask about i know it's the worst two where you got to stand in the ask line and you're there for 45 minutes just like waiting like a jag off and then you walk to the counter like no that ain't me you gotta wait in the side hour a half like here's motherfucking what what are you talking about how could there possibly be another line is that it's actually true that it is faster to drive to a less populated county.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I have absolutely been near a DMV, but the DMV that I'm near is in a city that has people in it. Yeah, sure. Yeah. It's easier and faster to drive an hour to a less populated community to go to their DMV. Oh, I know. I know. Because you can

bop in and bop right out. My parents used to live in central Illinois when they were alive. And they... They used to live a lot of places when they were alive. But anyway, I'm laughing because your parents are dead. I know, because they're totally dead. But we wound up going

to the DMV. I was with my dad one day, and we're driving down the road and I said, oh, I got to get my license. He says, well, let's stop in. And I was thinking, I don't have six hours. Are you kidding?

Like, you want to spend your day in the DMV? And we walked in. I was the only person in there. Like I saw a tumbleweed roll across the ground. I was in awe at how, how unbelievably non-packed it was. It was amazing.

Dude, that's the way to travel. Oh, it's the best. It's the middle of Illinois, and there was nobody there. There was nobody there. There was four people behind the counter just waiting for a rush of humans that would never come. They're like on their phone, and they didn't give a shit. They're like, I'm actually going to get a pension. Oh, my God.

This is amazing. It was great, though. I would almost travel the two hours down there and avoid the hour and 45 minutes. You're right. Why not drive an hour? If you're going to waste two hours, I'd rather waste two hours in my car by myself where I'm not aggravated. Standing, waiting for the next person. And angry the whole time.

Oh, God. Angry the whole time. You can't even park your car in the parking lot of the DMV without being a little mad about it. You can't, right? Because you're like fucking gritting your teeth. It's like going to get your emission test done. It's like,

fucking emission. And even if everything goes swimmingly and it's not that big a deal, you're still just like, well, I'm still just kind of mad. Can you imagine like working in one of those jobs though? Because everybody in there comes in with that chip on their shoulder and they're just ready to fight. And the worst part is, is that it's sort of this like, it's like a firestorm. You walk in there and everybody's kind of just a little on edge.

And the one little thing that sets one person off now sets everybody else off. It's the post office. It's like the post office. The post office is the same thing. Whenever I go to the post office downtown, especially when there's like a fucking 45 person line and there's two people and they're just fucking going as slow as they possibly can because they don't give no fucks whatsoever and they're just like sorry we don't get a delivery fucks till tomorrow they're just they're just waiting and waiting and waiting in line people get so mad

all the time it's it's it's actually if you go in there with that mindset where you're like, this is going to be really funny, it can be very funny. But, you know, sometimes I just go in there and I'm a little angry. The pharmacy for me is that way. I can't walk into a pharmacy to get a thing without being like, just fucking give me the fucking damn thing. Because sometimes you go in like, your insurance says you can't refill this till tomorrow. You're like, fucking I'm here right now. I don't want to come back tomorrow. Oh, gosh.

I want to get my thing now. Just give me the thing. Give me the thing. There have been times like when Colleen was sick and I had a medicine and the fucking insurance wouldn't cover it. I'd be like, I'll just fucking pay cash. And they're like, well, you can't pay cash. I'm like, I can pay cash for anything. I'm paying cash!

It's like $1,000. I'm like, I don't care. I'm not leaving without medicine. I'm not leaving your fucking ... So now I'm just so mad when I walk in those... Yeah, sure. You're just instantly on edge. You're just super mad. What were we talking about? Pope Francis.

Hey, it's the pulpa so uh the the pope's allowing priests to forgive women who had abortions and there's a couple of things to talk about here so on the one on the one hand like credit where it's fucking due right i mean credit where it's due within the framework he's got yeah good for you and and hopefully it's my great hope that this can make people in those countries where abortion is completely illegal and those are mostly catholic countries those are the those are the crazy catholic countries where abortion is just fucking you can't even get one they're just like sorry there's no abortion and you know fucking you know a two-year-old gets pregnant or whatever and they're like oh yeah like oh time to be a mommy you know i mean

like they're like super young they will hopefully at that point take another look at those policies maybe and maybe there's going to be a little more room if it's forgivable maybe they're going to start thinking about it in a little different that's my hope i little more room if it's forgivable. Maybe they're going to start thinking about it in a little different. That's my hope. I don't know if it's the truth, but that's my hope. So up until now, because the Pope said, like, this is evidently like the juju be year or something. So he's giving the priests the okay to forgive women. And that is good news.

That really is good news that really is good news but what also occurs to me is like man they don't fucking need your forgiveness if they don't have your judgment in the first right you have to bring that judgment to bear in the beginning right you want answers i think i'm entitled you want answers i want the truth you can't handle the truth so the story comes from the huffington post uh the sad reason Josh Duggar's wife won't leave him. So I've been kind of waiting for the right angle to approach the Duggar thing, right? So Josh Duggar is like, he's the kitty diddling Duggar, right? That's good. You did a good job. Kitty diddling Duggar. Duggar. Duggar. I think Duggar is better though now. What if he was also a juggling Duggar?

Duggar. I can't do it. Juggling Duggar? Juggling Duggar? He's a kitty diddling Duggar juggler. I guess that would apply that he juggles Duggars. Or juggles their parts. Right.

Maybe he's juggling their parts. It still works. And you see what I did with my hands there? I kind of did like a juggling. A little twiddle twiddle. I'm kind of like telling somebody to cough right now with my hands at this point. It works on so many levels. The humor on this show is so sophisticated. I love the use of the word sophisticated and this show at the same time.

This show is like a cocktail weir with a toothpick on it on a silver tray baby with like a little bit of caviar on top so everything tastes awful everything's everything's just gross uh so the douglar caviar so it all tastes like semen now so dirk douglar here so he's banging kids and now he's he was on ashley madison yes he's on so ashley madison if you guys i don't know we're living under rocks is fucking everywhere it's that like i want to cheat on my wife but i'm really gonna pay money to talk to a robot i actually talked to dudes because most of them are dudes it's like dudes pretending to be chicks i know it's so funny because it reminded me of like when I was a kid and there would be these chat rooms.

This is a long time ago. So, you know, talking chat rooms on like AOL or whatever. Yeah. And it would be a chat room and one of my friends would start talking to somebody. I'd be like, how do you know if it's a girl or a guy? Don't care, dick in hand. Don't care, bro. It's like this is weird you know it's funny because those chat

rooms were like the only time like teenagers were fucking literate enough to masturbate to like text right it's like like now now you're just like fucking i don't even need the volume on i'm not gonna close caption this shit are you you kidding me? Close caption. What I want is I want the porn, but then I want the person who signs next to it. So they just keep doing the fucking sign and oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, my God. That would be amazing.

There's got to be. There's a fucking Reddit for that. Where there's a Reddit where there's somebody who watches porn and is doing the signs. That would be hilarious. I would watch that. That hilarious i would watch that it would be so i would watch it for the research oh yeah yeah what else yeah i would i would watch it to laugh a hearty belly laugh at i would like to watch that to laugh alone maybe while the wife is grocery shopping or something so anyway there's a dirk duggler yeah so dirk duggler the kitty diggling juggler this whole thing is like a hard it's one of those tongue twisters well

tongue twister i guess we're we're talking about Dirk Duggler here. There you go. So this guy is just kind of a skis ball. The story here, I think, is not about him. It's not about his sort of wanting to have sex with other people or whatever. Because who cares? It's his life. Well, we care if it's the kids. We care about that. It's non-consensual.

But when it's consensual, who cares? Yep. What we care about is the wife in this situation. Because the wife is brought into this tradition, brought up in this tradition, where their fucking opinions don't matter. Right. And where they fucking treat their uterus as like a clown car. They shit all fucking babies like hamsters in that tradition. Where they're just like, I mean, seriously, dude.

It's like a fucking baby after another baby after another baby they're fucking probably like they got they're like a fucking they got a clip they just load the clip in and they just shoot the kids out because they are part of that quiverful move yeah like that's part of that whole movement to like like load kids as arrows as fucking weapons of god and devalue the woman so all she's worth is is is having sex and being a fucking being a person who all you're doing is carrying my children. Yep. And you devalue the woman enough where maybe she doesn't – maybe she thinks that this is her fault now. Well, and for me, like the tragedy of this story is here you've got this woman, like you say, and she grows up in this tradition.

And whether she stays with this guy or doesn't stay with this guy, I could give a shit. Whatever their arrangement is or however they work out his indiscretions or whether they do or don't, who cares? It's fucking private business. It means nothing to me. But you get a feeling whether it's right or wrong. I'm just generalizing. But you do get a feeling that she doesn't know she has options. She doesn't know she has a real right to choose something better for herself.

Like you say, women, unfortunately, in a lot of these hyper-Christian fundamentalist communities, they grow up and they think that they have a moral obligation to stand by their husband regardless of whether he's a good man worth standing by. Yeah. You know, they think, you know, that the right thing to do, the Christian thing to do is to be subservient, even in times of stress, like when their well-being, their well-being means less than his well-being. Yeah. And that's fucking such utter nonsense. So, like, who gives a shit that this guy goes out on a site

and, you know, like wants to fool around on his wife like if they're if he's okay with that and she's okay it doesn't make any difference i don't care about that at all i don't care that he's a fucking hypocrite i really don't care like i'm not gonna get fucking schadenfreude excited i just think like it's so sad for this poor woman and it's really the plight of so many women who grow up in these communities man so we want to thank our most current patrons hector jim chase kristin niles rex sean mark david theo emily elizabeth brett simon nathan edward stephen russell rebecca anissa robert David, Theo, Emily, Elizabeth, Brett, Simon, Nathan, Edward, Stephen, Russell, Rebecca, Anissa, Robert, Chad, and Christina. Thank you all so very much for your generous donations.

We're super appreciative of everybody who's given us money. And we're hoping that in the near future, we're hoping around Christmastime, we're going to drive, uh, with a lot of the money that you've given us. So we want to thank you all. Uh, you make it possible so we can be charitable and that's awesome. Thank you very much. So we got a message from Jason and Jason wanted to let us know, Tom, of a few words we're not allowed to use on our show because, uh, because he has some triggers. Yeah.

So, uh, you know, we want to be sensitive to everybody's sure absolutely uh concern especially people with especially people with jasonism right that's terrible yeah terrible we we just we deeply regret that you're you so um so he says uh some words that are triggers for me i'll begin with a list of some of my exes. Sarah, Elizabeth, Amanda, and Andrea. Any of those names can send me into fits. Please refrain from saying them. Also, the following words are very offensive to me. They can make me want to choke people.

Flute. Pencil. Jambalaya. Lederhosen. Brouhaha. I like brouhaha. And canoodle. You can't get me to stop saying brouhaha.

I don't care how that triggers you. I will stop canoodling when you pry the canoodle out of my cold, dead hands. This is a great email, though. Thanks, Jason. That's so funny. Thanks, man. We want to thank Liz for sending in bourbon chocolates. They were amazing.

They were very good. They were very good. I was very impressed with those chocolates. I'm not a boozy chocolate person. I normally don't like those combinations, but they were excellent. Yeah, we ate, of the 16 in the box. We ate 12. We ate 12.

We ate 12. We saved four for my wife. Did she like them? She did. She ate four immediately. She actually talked to me to her fucking cheeks like a squirrel. I don't blame her. I don't blame her.

It was horrifying and a little impressive. We got a message from Christina, and Christina sent us a message, an image that she found on a Facebook group that she belongs to. The Facebook group is about women trying to get preggers. And is that the proper term, preggers? Catch the preg. Catch the preg. Some people would say it like it's like the Kool-Aid man, right? Be like, oh, yeah.

For my wife and I, be like, oh, no. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Planned Parenthood. Honey, we're going to the dry cleaners. But anyway. It's time to starch my shirt. We have such cute names.

Swipe your uterus. We have such cute names. We have such cute names for abortions, don't we? So I want you to read, Tom, though, the image that came with this. This is from a Facebook post. The Facebook post was from a woman who is, I guess, excited that she's pregnant. It says, he will always choose me! Double exclamation point because one is not enough my husband was falling into an affair but god stopped a affair yeah not an affair a affair

you're right i can't even read i can't even read it's like illiterate i knew it was going on but love capital for no reason ellipse love covers all not conquers Ellipse. Love covers all. Not conquers. Huh. Covers. It just covers all sin. Covers all sin. Yes, I saw them together. Her windows got busted. I cried. But after that, God told me to love.

Wrong to. I did. It's what kept him coming home. Ellipse. I will always fight for him. I'll never. Capitalized. N-E I will always fight for him. I'll never capitalize any VA. Stop. Hashtag the vows.

Hashtag the vows is my favorite part. We're before God. I think I'm pregnant. Let the countdown begin. Yeah. Hashtag. God is awesome. Hashtag God is awesome. Oh my oh it's that thing is gonna be a parent it's so sad oh man this is why i'm pro-choice thank you for sending that in we got a message

from royce who who said that uh he found us uh via dogma debate uh but then wound up uh really enjoying the show and uh and kind of becoming deconverted from our show yeah i thought this was very interesting it says uh it was you two that blew the door off the hinges your unforgiving attitude to faith-based claims and atrocities was just what i needed um you stated that you had no desire to convert anyone but i cannot imagine that i'm the only one you've helped uh You know, we get occasional emails from people who are accidentally converted. But I consider that more of like drive-by shooting collateral. Yeah, it's like collateral damage conversion.

Right. It's like this show is basically the podcasting equivalent to like shooting a six-year-old in her home. Like that's what it is. Jesus Christ. It's like a day it's like a day on the west side of chicago i was just gonna say which happened today i'm sure i don't i haven't looked it up yet but it happened it happened today yeah we got a message uh this is from nathaniel and nathaniel sent us a message uh dude specifically it's got an image and i'm just gonna

put this image with this episode this is episode episode 247 and it's a Jesus image and it's actually pretty funny. I love these because I love when people do the captioning on these. So I would like to propose a caption contest for this image. We will arbitrarily decide which one we like and we will give you a t-shirt if you caption this the best.

And you're going to eat that bro is taken. Yeah. Because that's what I would use right now. Okay. So I wanted to mention really quickly, I'm going to tell a really quick story, but I wanted to mention thank you to everybody who said condolences on the passing of my mother.

Thank you all very much. It's very kind to send those messages and to we got a bunch of tweets and a bunch of messages, personal messages, Facebook messages, et cetera. But last week, a bunch of people were like, hey, that was a really touching story. That was a story about my mom beating me. That was not touching. There was nothing touching. The only thing touching was her hair, her hand on my hair. That was it. Um, but I did want to tell a story about my mom

that was actually nice. So something that happened later on in my life when I was, uh, when I was in my twenties, I found a place that found a place full of total dorks where people pretended to be from the Middle Ages. And there was this fencing thing that I wanted to do in it. So I saw it and I was really excited about it. And so I decided to go to this place where I could learn how to do it. And it's a whole bunch of other people

that were pretending to be from the Middle Ages and they were going to teach me how to fence. And I wound up asking my mom to make me a set of armor because you have to have thick cloth armor in order to fight there. And this was years ago. So they needed they had different regulations. And so she made me a set of this armor based on a pattern that she just made up because she was kind of she kind of knew how to sew from like whole Mac when she was a kid. And so she made me this armor and I went to go fight.

And after a while of doing this for a little while my mom had said to me you know can i come watch you fight and i didn't think about i was like well sure you just got to dress up in the weird clothes if you want to come fight watch me fight so she actually made herself a set of clothes and came to watch me fight how sweet um because she was you know just like any other parent she did this with my t-ball game she did my basketball games when i was in you know middle school basketball she always wanted to support. She always wanted to be there for me. And so she went and joined this organization with me and she spent 10 years in this organization with me only on the merit that I was actually fighting in it. That she did as a loving parent. So I wanted to tell a story that I really like about my mom.

She was very sweet. And she wound up being a dork for me. Which is – it's difficult because I was such a huge nerdy dork. Was? Well, I'm such a huge nerdy dork. Yeah. So it was actually very – so I wanted to tell a story that I thought was – that showed how much she supported her children. That's a sweet story. That she made you the clothes.

That she made her own clothes to show up. My dad wouldn't buy a t-shirt if I told him. Like, I love my dad to pieces. But if I was like, dad, you know, come see me do this thing. First of all, he'd say no. And then I would be like, but if the price for entry was you have to wear a t-shirt. Yeah, he'd be like, no, I'm not. Even if he was already planning to wear a t-shirt.

Yeah, my dad didn't come. So that's why. You're like, my dad knew, no, I'm not. Even if he was already planning to wear a t-shirt. Yeah, my dad didn't come. So that's, you know, you're like, my dad knew, but he didn't come. But, you know, the thing is, is like, she not only did that, but she got involved in the group. And she actually donated tons of her time and effort to helping other people out in that particular group. So she did, you know, she made tents for people. She made clothes, loaner gear and clothes and things. She made a ton of stuff. She's actually a super helpful person in the group.

She was awesome. So she did a lot of great stuff. She was a cool lady and we'll miss her dearly. So we found, there was a message here, Tom, from Derek and he said, I'm listening to you, you're covering the story of the kid who found the gun in the bathroom church. I'm surprised you weren't happy that he had a way to defend himself from the priest who was waiting for a chance to counsel him in private. That was pretty awesome. That is pretty great. I think he was trying to counsel his privates more likely. Yeah, exactly.

Tom, we got another message about our laughing and the Japanese criticism of said laughing. I love this. Evidently, we sound like braying asses to the Japanese. Because this is evidently this gentleman lives in Japan and his wife has said she told me to turn it off because your laughing was, quote, low quality and, quote, like old men. I love it. I like it's like old men. I like that. That's my favorite.

I've never I did not know that there was high quality and low quality laughing. What differentiates? Oh, that's a low quality laugh. Is it the fidelity of the... It must be. What is it? Actually, I think we have a pretty high quality laugh when you come right down. So if we're talking about fidelity.

Of all the things we do well. Yeah. Laughing, really? Yeah, laughing is one of the things. We can't even get that right to Japan. You can't even do it. I feel like our japanese tour is not going to go well we are not huge in japan other than being enormous yeah oh yeah by compared to my compare i'm like i'm like six japanese people so we want to say we got a message from uh from from john and john has been a long time listener uh to the show

uh and he's the uh creator of thereverent Skeptics G Plus community. And he just sent us a message about specifically about seizures because there was that seizure story that I told. But then he also said that he's happy that our podcast still exists and he still listens. So we're happy you still listen, John. Thank you. Yeah, that's cool, man. Thanks. It's nice to get those emails from people who have been listening for like such a long he has been listening for a very long yeah that's awesome

thank you um and we got an image amazing this is an image uh from derrick he's the guy who said i'm the start of the whole stupid call the prayer challenge he's domino one in that that's awesome train wreck right but he sent us a message this guy with all these fucking nails on his like he's got he's got like bracers with nails on him, which is crazy. He's got like a fucking like a sad clown makeup. He's holding a giant sword. And he's got the lyrics that we did for the Norwegian death. How do they go, Tom?

Bottle. I don't know. So we're going to post that. That's a meme he made for us this week. It'll be on episode 247. I love it. We want to leave you with a rendition of what someone, a listener, this is a reinterpretation of what a listener thought Norwegian death metal scatting would sound like. It's so funny.

It sounds like Batman's voice. Right? You know there's a guy. I don't know if you saw this guy. He does vines. And he's Bat Dad. I don't know if you've seen him. Yes, I've seen him.

He's very funny. He's like, hey, let's go to get a mochaccino. He's awesome. But it sounds exactly like his voice. It sounds like Bat Dad did that. So that was from Matt. Thank you very much. Very funny. So we're going to have – it's Labor Day-ber here in the United States for all you Homestar Runner fans.

So we're not going to do a midweek show this week because of Labor Day. Tom and I are going to be going to shoot lots of rounds of ammunition through shotguns this upcoming weekend to celebrate America. Yeah, we got to go celebrate America. So we're going to go. We're going to be busy. So we're not going to have a midweek show this week, but we will be back next week. And we're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics creed. Credulity is not a virtue.

It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch,

late night info-docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, Thank you. Giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your signs. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. Conclusive. Doubt even this. We'll see you next time. you