Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 248: Who Throws Out the First Cow?

Episode Date: September 14, 2015

 

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey, Tom and Cecil, it's your new script for Polycrop, the vlog cast. You were asking the question, the corretto question, how many licks does it take to get to the center of an eight-year-old? Only one if you're really good at it. I'm answering for a friend. Okay, ciao. Uh, licks.. Gloria, I guess.

Howdy, fellas. This is Buzz calling from the progressive oasis that is Austin, Texas. Dallas sucks, and Houston sucks worse than Dallas. Everybody knows that. You know what else everybody knows? If you are lucky enough to find your ass in

Texas, you get yourself some barbecue. And don't worry about where you go, because Texas ain't got no bad barbecue. If you're smart, you'll order the brisket. Glory hole, motherfuckers. Oh, I was just listening to you guys talk

about how awful Houston is and how it's Texas is Indiana, but not so bad. And I thought, oh my God, we're there, Kentucky. But then I guess I always knew that was the case. Glory hole. Hey, Tom and Cecil, this is Jason. I'm from Texas, from the Dallas Horror Theory. Originally went to school in Austin, worked in Houston, and now I have the good fortune to live in Madison, Wisconsin.

But I wanted to say that Tom was right on, on his Houston screed. I often say if Florida is the wang of America, then Houston is its sweaty, oily tape. It's just a miserable, depressing place. I've advocated just picking up the city and moving it, and I hope someday that happens, but yeah, I never ever want to go back. It's disgusting. God, I hate

Houston. Glory hell. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording from glory hole studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 248 of Cognitive Dissonance. And we have returned from the wilds of Michigan.

We have. Which I just want to point out very briefly that central Michigan is so far north, it's south again. I was driving up there and I saw a dude with a fucking, he had a sticker in the back window. And the sticker was the rebel flag when you were far away. And when you pulled up close, you could see it was a cutout that said Rebel Son. And I looked and I said, where the fuck am I? Did I take a wrong turn at fucking Indianapolis? We rode up separately.

And the gang of us, we stopped at a Wendy's in the middle of fucking central Michigan. Oh, God. Like South Haven or some fucking hole in the ground. So what you basically ate was human beings when you went there? It was definitely, I think it was just raw flesh. Just pressed baby flesh. Dude, I shit you not, we walked in. There's like the garbage cans in our fucking fast food joint.

Well, the garbage can has been pulled out and taken away. We don't know where. And then just garbage. I'm not even fucking kidding. Garbage was piled up on top of the can housing unit. That's how it was in New Orleans when I went to New Orleans. There was so much garbage that the garbage can couldn't control the garbage. Like we walk up to the counter

and I'm not even fucking kidding. There's a dude waiting there chewing, chewing on a cigarette. Like I'm eating it. Like I'm eating a cigarette. Was he smoking a cider or was it just a died out cigarette? No, it was just a cigarette in his mouth

and he was chewing on it and eating it. And he had two hook hands. He it. And he had two hook hands. He had what? He had two hook hands. He had prosthetic hook hands. How was he putting the food in his mouth? I don't know.

I don't know. He's standing there with like his two buddies who looked fucking straight out of prison. He's got two fucking hook hands and he's literally eating a cigarette. What if he lost them in like a tragic meth accident? There's like garbage piled up everywhere, right? And then the woman behind – it's not busy. There's only like four of us in the whole place and the drive-thru is nonexistent. And the woman behind the counter is frantic.

Absolutely like fucking hair on fire frantic and she like yells at my buddy she yells he's like she's like what do you want to eat she's like i can't take your order and she's like but she's very confusing she's like i can't take your order what do you want and david's like i don't know how to answer that question. This is David Michael from My Book of Mormon podcast. This is David Michael from My Book of Mormon. He just looked fucking floored by the question because it was self-contradictory. It's like, I can't take your order. What do you want?

And he's like, clearly the answer is to give somebody my order. And then he answered in his rich baritone voice. He just sort of looked around for help is what he did because there's fucking Captain Hook eating a cigarette over here. There's fucking mounds of garbage for some reason. I know when you're out with other kids, kind of hard sometimes to even admit you're Christian. So unsurprisingly, this first story comes from the raw story. Texas lawyer exposes religious hiring test for peace officers. County only wanted Baptist constables.

There's a case in Williamson County that is being pushed forward by a job applicant who said that they showed up and that the constables were asking him about their views on marriage, abortion and religion. And when they were deposed, they were basically like, yeah, we were asking him about their fucking views about marriage and abortion. I know they come right out and admit it. Yeah, it's almost like they're like, well, can't. What do you mean? I can't ask someone if they're planning to get pregnant. You know, like, what are you talking about? I love that.

I know. Right. Like, like, if you were to ask any of the questions, like what are you talking about i love that i know right like like if you were to ask any of the questions like are you gay or right i mean and although are you gay down there might not matter because there's many states and this isn't this is a tangent but there's many states that wouldn't matter that if you ask you can get fired for being gay in several so i want to say there's only like sure yeah there's only like 12 states with protections and some of them are pretty weak so they're not like full protections like getting added to the to that uh you always say it when you you can't yeah the the the federal law it's race color religion national origin sex marital status yeah they added you to that it

would be a different story but instead it's it's um there were just weak uh protections for people in certain states but in any case like if you were to ask like you said like are you are you looking to have a child soon i i we had a manager who was interviewing for uh they were they were manager underneath me and they were interviewing for a position and i we let that we let that manager go because he was crazily incompetent. And then later, some dude, I got this resume. I'm like, this resume looks great. I brought this person in and I interviewed him. I'm like, this is great.

And then through the course of the interview, they're like, yeah, I already interviewed once with you guys. And I didn't get the job. I'm surprised you called me. I'm like, who did you interview with? I interviewed with so-and-so, the guy we ended up firing. And he said it was the weirdest interview. He just kept asking me if i smoked i was like if you smoke what was the follow-up i was floored by him like what is the follow-up and he's like that's the thing he's like i didn't understand he's like he asked me if i

smoked and i said no and he said you don't ever smoke and i said no and he said have you ever smoked i don't work like at a gasoline refinery he's like afraid he's gonna get like drop it on some title insurance papers or something like it was so weird this guy was this guy's like the best hire that i've made in the last year like he's great and he got passed up and i have no idea why but like i guess the guy spent like five minutes grilling him about whether he smoked whether he intended to smoke he asked him if he did if he vaped like who fucking cares what weird questions you ask weird but but like there's some shit you just can't do you know you can't ask people like ask these people in this particular instance uh they asked a question about their view on gay marriage and their views on abortion and my my answer to that would be like oh i'm not really qualified

to perform them uh is there going to be a training you know like fucking you know also you know while we're asking willing with a little training know, while we're asking questions about this interview, I'm going to be a constable. What the fuck is my job? What do I do as a constable? Do I have to travel back in time and arrest fucking villains? Like, what do I do? I read that, too. And I thought, like, a constable?

What are you kidding me? Like, are we hiring in Deadwood? Like, is that what's going on now? A constable? It's insane. You got to have on your resume San Francisco cocksucker. That has to be one of the major things on there. I want to read what a Texas constable does.

Constables and their deputies are fully empowered peace officers. The duties of the constable generally include providing bailiffs for the justice of the peace court within the precinct and serving processes issued there and from any other court. Moreover, some constables offices limit themselves to only these activities, but others provide patrol investigative and security services as well. Do they like a weird one stop shop? It's like I guess if you're a constable, you're like a Barney. Yeah, you're like you're like more than a sheriff. Like you can travel all over the county and like serve papers, I guess.

Although, man, I want to see that. Like I watch this video. I want to see the, like, I watched this video. I want to see this guy do the fucking physical fitness test to be a peace officer. This dude looks like meatloaf. Are you kidding me? There's no way. This guy can't run a mile.

Is there a physical fitness test for a constable? I don't think so. But it does say that they can, it says they're fully empowered peace officers. Well, sure, but a Texas peace officer just means you have to shoot people. That's true. You drive up and shoot them and then you just drive away and that's it, right? That's a Texas peace officer.

Mine eyes have seen the glory hole whilst coming with the Lord. And he's rubbing out a vintage since his girth is quite engorged. He hath loosed his seat, an immaculate stream from his terrible, stiff sword. His truth is just BS. Glory, glory, glory, ho!

Glory, glory, glory, ho! Glory, glory, glory, ho! Glory, glory, glory, ho. His truth is just BS. So this story comes from Talking Points Memo. Hucklebee aide physically blocked Cruz from getting into the Kim Davis money shot. This is really pretty funny, actually.

Yeah, I know, right? Wow, that's crazy. Because, you know, when they get the money shot, they normally want as many people in it as possible. You know what I mean? You want to get as many dicks in the money shot as possible. And clearly, if you could get dicks like Huckabee and Cruz in the same money shot, that's a million-view video right there. You would think that they would have the whole 16-candidate lineup on the Republican side. Because they're all cocks.

Just spray her down. Just fucking hose her down like a Japanese schoolgirl. There's a video with Amy Schumer where she's getting interviewed on one of those. It's a skit where she's being supposedly uh on one of those it's a it's a skit where she's being interviewed supposedly interviewed on one of those late night shows and every time they cut back to her she's shinier so like when they cut back to her like she's got more like gold coloring on her legs you know like how they color themselves kind of like that's like spray on tan or whatever but at one point she looks like goldfinger because she's so covered in it but it's like later in the skit and then she's talking about how she's a she just likes to stay home and watch star wars and you know she's talking about what kind of

nerd she is and two guys in the audience ejaculate and i can't help but think about the same thing the more kim davis talks about you know oh i'm such an oppressed little shit bag or whatever she's talking about it's like you could let me just look at fucking huckabee's face in this article he looks like he's rubbing one out looking at a smug looking like he's just standing there like i am milking you for votes like a fucking vote yeah like he's just like he's a vote that's exactly gonna reach over and fucking grab a teat chance will fucking start popping out of there you know it's a rare it's a rare occasion but can i can i at least say this out loud that we totally called it right you did you know like

it's a rare occasion right but we totally fucking called it like everybody's talking about how this is religion based. She's being put in jail for religion. Later on, we're going to we're going to hear a Pat Robertson clip where somebody says that someone was put in jail because of their religion, not because they were being a fucking twat and didn't fucking fill out the paperwork. You know, did you watch her come out and like to the fucking Eye of the Tiger song? She's like, I just want to get glory to god i heard that i heard that eye of the tiger survivor people were pissed that she was filing a lawsuit 12 million dollar lawsuit because they're like fucking we don't want you using our song you suck no shit the suckiest suck that ever sucked to suck fucking you're horrible

it's just so pathetic that these fucking foolios are falling all over themselves. I know. Trying to line up on the wrong side of history for a fucking vote. It's like, whose dick won't you suck in order to win? It's funny. It's funny that they mentioned. I watched a, I don't know what it was. Maybe it was John Oliver.

I don't remember what I was watching. It was a video though. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was John Oliver. I don't remember what I was watching. It was a video though. And they were talking about how they asked a bunch of different of these Republican candidates if they would attend a gay wedding. And on the dais, one of them said they would.

And then someone else, they asked him and he said, well, I've been to a gay wedding. But I'm still for men and women getting married, blah, blah, blah. But I've been to a gay wedding, but I'm still for men and women getting married, blah, blah, blah. But I've been to a gay wedding basically is what he said. And you're like – the thing is when it's a human being that's close to them, it's a totally different story. But it's – when it's a fucking amorphous, oh, we want to cut it out, it's a totally – it's a 100 percent totally different stance that they have i want to say though not only does this they're like a really sad ted cruz on stage which is awesome he's got his hand over his heart he looks hilarious but also somebody posted on our facebook page and they said something about i don't want to mention these people's opinion or these people's uh i don't want to mention these people's appearances because i

think that's kind of low but a cabbage boiled in piss comes to mind is what they said and then i thought you know haven't we made enough fun of english food i mean come on now never enough never enough deserves everything it can get you know what you need is more kidneys that's what you need is kidneys and organ meats is there anything you can fucking grind up some nasty fucking organ meats and fucking make me eat them? Because I'd love to do that. If when you're done, you can roll it in fucking half-cleaned intestines and then boil it for 30 minutes. That'd be amazing. That'd be terrific.

God. I love that he physically blocked him, though. It would have been great if it came to blows. god i love that he physically blocked him though it would be great if it came to blow so an aid so this in the story an aid of of huckabee physically blocked ted cruz and ted cruz is evidently like fucking not man enough to just throw that fucker out of his way he's such a pansy he just looked down and walked away it's like your fucking future job depends on this like if you threw if you threw out a a golden ticket to a let's say a a job that pays half as well or it has half as much notoriety

as the presidency in downtown chicago people would fight to the death over that ticket and this guy is just like as soon as he gets blocked he fucking looks down and walks away you want this guy across the table from i know what you want and then and then he fucking sits in the corner and pouts like a fucking sad panda are you fucking kidding me just like i'm so sad for everybody who cares idiot i i you know like know, the same thing occurred. I was like, man, if my job was to do a thing and somebody's like, I'm going to stop you by blocking your way. I'm like, I'm fucking moving you. I got a job to do, motherfucker.

Or, you know, if you have a staffer that's blocking the way, don't you have a staffer that can clear the way? Can't we have staffer fights? Yeah. Because here's the thing. Bumfights are boring because they're not nourished. But staffer fights. Staffer fights. Those guys eat well.

They're like latte-fueled blood baths. Oh, my gosh. And you get those young, hungry people right out of college. They'll cut you. Right idealistic right-wingers just fucking. Oh, they will cut you. And the best part is they're armed to the teeth idealistic right wingers just fucking oh they will and the best part is they're armed to the teeth they all have their concealed carry permits they're right wingers they got fucking ar-15s in their drawers man they're like they're ready to imagine a shooting at one of these just to get somebody on stage because there's nothing but death and

refuse and direct them that no life can come out of the rectum the rectum is designed to get rid of death and waste it's designed for that one purpose and the sodomites are cheering on and praising the rectum so the story comes from right wing watch i know raw story in right wing watch. Who would have thunk it? Staver requiring Kim Davis to do her job is like forcing her to grant a license to sodomize children. What? I know. Hold on.

You can get a license for that? I don't know where you get it. Oh, man. Because, you know, sodomizing someone else, you know, it's tight, but it's probably someone else you know it's tight but it's not super tight but children now that's tight that's like a fucking that's like fucking a pumpkin without a hole in it you know i mean tight no tight tight you know it's like it's probably like the the marijuana stamps right like yeah yeah you can buy a pot uh but you got to buy a marijuana stamp.

And also, we don't sell marijuana stamps. Also, when you go to ask for the marijuana stamp, we will arrest you. We're arresting you for asking for it, right? So don't ask. Whatever you do, don't ask about the license to sodomize children. This is like somebody showing up and actually being like, so I saw a movie. Here, there's a license to kill. I'd like to get one of those. Can you imagine going to your local police department actually being like, so I saw a movie. Here, there's a license to kill. I'd like to get one of those. Can you imagine going to your

local police department and being like, yeah, I want to get a license to sodomize children. They'd be like, oh yeah, we got it. You got to go to the waiting room. Right. Oh yeah, here's some shiny new bracelets you can put on you. You know, that's, that, that, that reminds me of

the story from last weekend too, though. So we're getting ready to go. We're going on a camping trip. And a bunch of people showed up to my house. And we had more cars than I could fit in my driveway. So we pulled a bunch of the cars onto the street. We're going to leave them there for the weekend. And my buddy says, hey, did you call the police and tell them you were parking cars on the street?

I said, no, did you call the police and tell them you were parking cars on the street? I said, no, why would I do that? He said, well, it's illegal in the city that I live in, evidently, to park cars on the street overnight. Although there's no signs posted. So I guess you're just supposed to know this by fucking osmosis. So I was like, well, oh, I had no idea. Like, that was the thing. I've parked my car in the street overnight before.

Nothing happened. He's like, yeah, they can ticket you. He's like, but all you have to do is call the police and tell them that you're going to do it and they won't ticket you i was like wait a minute hold on just so i understand there's a law in place but if you make a phone call to the police and say pretty please don't enforce it between these days and these days they're down with it and he's like yeah it's pretty much it so he just called the police was like yeah i gave him my address and he's like yeah don't give us tickets we're parking in the street and then you get to park in the street it's like it's it's kind of the same thing it's like ah sodomizing children that's gross that's wrong it's illegal

but if you get a license for it it's's fine. You just got to ask first. All right, let's play this clip. It's from Matt Staver, the Liberty Council attorney. Yeah, this involves a clerk, Kim Davis, in Rowan County, Kentucky. And she prayed about this situation before the June 26 opinion of five lawyers on the Supreme Court. And it didn't fucking work. And she prayed about it. I don't care how many people prayed about it didn't work turns out and then of course after it came down on friday she

was targeted right away on the following monday as were clerks around the country and they were being asked to license something that collides with their religious conviction and to understand this a clerk provides licenses to do something a license to operate a motor vehicle on the road, a license to build a particular facility, or a license to do this, or a license to do that, a license to operate a business. And so that person is licensing someone to do something. And in this case, they're licensing what? They're licensing something that is directly contrary to the core of their religious convictions to engage in sinful activity among same-sex relations.

How do you know? I mean, if you get married, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to do anything sinful. Sure. You could have an entirely celibate marriage. I mean, many would probably argue that by getting married, you move closer to celibacy. Marriage, I mean, many would probably argue that by getting married, you move closer to selfishness. I chipped that one out there hoping you would take it in the right position. And you went exactly where I hoped.

Well, it's about time somebody took it in the right position. And sanction something that is contrary to the scriptures, and that is marriage of two people of the same sex. So it is not something tangential to their Christian values. It's something that's at the core of their Christian values to force someone like that to give a license for something, to legalize, to put a stamp of approval on something that is absolute rebellion against God, sinful. So resign.

Yeah, right. So resign. Like, if you can't do the job, why do you why do you think why do you think that you're more important than everyone else that's already? And this this law has already been decided. Why do you think that you're more important? Wouldn't you just say, you know what, this is a guy if you were a fucking executioner, let's say you say, you know what? They just put executions back before I was just fucking on reddit all day i didn't have to do anything i just fucking looked at fucking space dicks all day i didn't have anything going on but now they just reinstituted executions and it's against my fucking moral

convictions or whatever fucking high and mighty bullshit i'm gonna pull out to say i can't kill people we'll get a new job bro like fucking new job time it's like dust out that resume update linkedin time to get out there and get in the fucking workforce and you know if i were if i were a a muslim person um would i be able to say well i don't issue liquor licenses yeah or i don't issue fucking driver's license to women or i don't you know i don't uh issue uh licenses to own a dog because dogs are unclean or i only give out licenses for hand chopper offer machines right everybody gets a hand chopper offer machine whether you want one or not you can when you open a checking account this thing's terribly dangerous i don't want to

put it in my cabinet i I don't like it. It's just always on. It's always on. It's just, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk. Then that is a direct collision of unprecedented magnitude. That's what they're asking her to do.

So when she refused to do so, the ACLU filed suit and Liberty County came in to defend her. And wouldn't this, what would be a good comparison to this, Matt? I mean, what would be another activity that, you know, if someone was to come in and say, we want the county stamp of approval and we want this county clerk actually licensing us to do, I'm trying to think of an example, but something that would also be, you know, unbiblical and violate their beliefs

and then to grant that license would be to participate in it. Maybe they could grant licenses to wearing the same type of cloth like out of two different fabrics or sowing uh seeds in the same fucking furrow or whatever we're not fucking building your arc with the right fucking cubits or maybe maybe if you like eat shellfish or eat a certain food on a certain day or if you eat pork or something right like all those things could be bad depending yeah what if you were like yeah i want to get a license to uh not stone adulterers i know that's unbiblical but you know my someone i know is an adulterer and i want a license to not have to i just want to i just want to not stone him is that

gonna be a possibility that's what I'd like. Because I really feel uncomfortable about hurling rocks at people until they fucking die a painful death. Can I get... Oh, no, I can't get that because it's against your biblical shenanigans. Yeah, to grant the license to engage in pornography...

Do I need a license to engage in pornography? Wait, as a consumer or as an actor in the pornography? Because maybe I need a SAG card. Right? Hopefully it's not saggy pornography. That's a little depressing. Well, look, if it's me, it's saggy pornography. Hey, we're all getting a little older.

Yeah, we're all getting a little older. It's saggy pornography. I'm getting a lot older. I'm always wondering, when are they going to go to my knees? Like, when is that going to happen? Because it's going to happen eventually. They hit the water. It's fine.

Where, like, one ball is going to be. It's like I'm running a mile and I sound like a seal when it's clapping. You know? Just as I go, you know? Running a mile. When I'm walking quickly a mile, it sounds like. Walking a mile when i'm walking quickly a mile it sounds like walking a mile when i'm in my little rascal scooter and it hits the wheel sounds like that to grant a license in other words to sodomize children or something of that nature sure no just yeah it's a lot it's a license i love it's like it's comparing

some it's comparing a marriage license which is which is a duty and an obligation of the of the clerk versus like shit that the clerk just doesn't do at all like it's not involved in whatsoever or that is completely illegal right it's like the pornography one because the pornography one is just stupid right but the the bang and the little kids nobody's saying like the thing is is like like start your battle with making it illegal start there oh you can't do that anymore okay then shut the fuck up yeah because it's not illegal just because you're fucking your god doesn't want you to do it well then don't do it like it fucking is super easy the thing is is like fucking aren't there

aren't there certain religions and i don't know if this is true because i don't know fuck all about other religions i kind of barely i barely know about anything about any religion period but aren't there some religions that that are strictly vegan or that are strictly vegetarian and things like that yeah jainism like what the fuck yeah would happen if one of those people uh you know had like they had to fucking like they were a usda fucking raiding guy right and they were just like sorry it's against my religion to fucking like grade these eggs or grade this meat because i don't think anyone should eat meat it's like fucking man you got the wrong profession dude the wrong job you're if you're an uptight asshole you shouldn't be a county clerk and if you're a vegan you shouldn't be a

fucking usda grader like it's super easy if you're super squeamish you shouldn't be a doctor yeah like what you should you be like i'm sorry i'm very squeamish i don't want to do this kind of operation i feel weird about it i'm starting to get a little lightheaded i'm i guess you're gonna die like what the fuck yeah not everybody is fucking suited for every fucking job and like you may find throughout the course of your career that you're no longer suited for something that you were previously suited for i mean it's time to fucking change jobs not just be like oh i'd like to show up for work and not do my job jesus christ you showed up for work and you were just like uh here's the deal you know that thing because it's not even that she wasn't going to give the licenses is that more egregiously she told all of the people

that worked for her not to give license i know and she wasn't giving licenses to fucking opposite sex either. Right. So fucking go fuck yourself. You're not giving licenses to anybody. Yeah. Podcasters. They live in squalor, destitute, and disenfranchised, eking out an existence as best they can in such desolate places as Chicago. In pairs, but otherwise alone,

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a pledge, and help these poor, innocent creatures lead a life worth living. So also from Right Wing Watch, Jonathan Cahn, Kim Davis, gay rights and two cows prove God's wrath is imminent. This is amazing. I've got to play this video. Pat Robertson.

No, I want to play the video. It's from the 700 Club. But I want to mention when he talks about the cows, the moo cows that he talks about the moo cows have little patterns on their face okay so when he's talking about the moo cows having little seven there's a pattern on their face so if you want to see this you'll have to watch the video to see what the moo cows look like all right so here we go this is fucking they're talking about that this is they're talking about that fucking what was that they're talking about that fucking, what was that thing? The Sveta or whatever the fuck it is.

Yeah, the Schmugel. The Schmugel. The Schmugel. The Schmugel. The Kegel. They're talking about Kegels. Yeah. This is going to be, this is far out, but this is good.

And that is that there's a sign, Pat, that God gave of the first warning of an economic fall in a sense. The first cycle is actually in Genesis when you have seven years of plenty and seven years of famine the sign the warning he gave was the the dream to pharaoh of seven cows each one is a year and then seven bad cows each one is a year they're like they're wearing leather jackets made from other cows they're like you know we're moo we're moo. We're moo. They're bad cows. Are you kidding me? They got one glove? Like a cow simply can't do a wrong thing. Like all they do is stand around being a cow.

Eating food and producing meat. I can't imagine. What does a cow do to misbehave? We expect so little of them. So you got the number seven you got the the figure of a cow now here's here's a far out thing what happened is last september a cow was born literally the ap not a christian organization takes the image of that cow spreads it across america and i think they have that image that image is a cow literally born with a number seven on its head. There it is. Seven on its head.

Listen to them. It does look – I will say this. The image looks – it looks like a number seven. Sure. I will say that. That looks – I mean, wow. I've never seen – okay. I mean, it's a fucking pattern on a cow's face, but whatever.

It's a fucking pattern on the cow's face but whatever it's a cow man like they're black and white sometimes and like a seven is not a difficult shape like this yeah it's not like it's not like it's like oh it has a symbol and it's you know fucking crop circles or something i guess a cow with a fucking seven on its head is way more impressive in an era without television. You know what I mean? Like an era where you're not flying through the air at 400 miles an hour. Yes. A cow with a seven on its head is pretty fucking impressive.

It's a big deal. But in an era where I can take an elevator from the lowest floor and get up to 100 floors in a minute or two, that's pretty impressive. That's way more impressive than a fucking design on a cow's face yeah here's the thing that makes me laugh too is that earlier he said it was seven cows now it's just one cow representing seven what i want is i want to i want a cow to shit out seven bad cows but like are we low on cows? No, they're going to be misbehaving cows. And they all come out the same. They're all misbehaving.

They're like, oh, you nasty, naughty little cows. One of them like jumps over the moon. It's like, weren't there supposed to be seven cows? No, no, no. You misunderstood the prophecy. No, it's just. I am seven. The cow.

Hey, y'all. I painted a seven on this heifer's head. Take a look, huh? Pretty good seven. I got to say, I painted heifer's head take a look huh pretty good seven i gotta say i painted it in fur i think i'm pretty good i'm gonna start a new fur art it's like it's like that carpet art you do with the yarn where you do the yarn in the little fucking grid they got yeah i think one of those things except for you got to do it it's a very small follicle you got to work with it's very time consuming i've been painting with cows for a

long time y'all didn't notice till i made it a seven eight nobody says shit nine ain't here nothing sixes only if he gots three of them does anyone even give a shit i painted so many three cows you don't even know i painted threes like crazy because i love Dale Earnhardt. I'm a huge fan of Dale Earnhardt. So I painted threes all up and down those cows. Nobody noticed anything before. You also didn't name them Dale. Well, that's because they're cows and not bulls. That's true.

That's true. The AP goes across America, released it, and it happened what day? September 25th, that's released. That's the. The AP goes across America, released what day? September 25th that's released. That's the opening day of the Shmeeta. The Shmeagle? Whatever. How can you listen to this and take this seriously? It's the opening day, Tom.

The opening day of Shmeeta? Who throws out the first cow? Open a seven on its head. You know what you have to do on the opening day of the Shemitah? You go and you put your quarter in and you pull, and if you get three seven balls, a whole pile of cows comes out. Toward the end of the shmeagle or whatever.

The shmeagle? Toward the end of the precious shmeagle. Isn't that the guy from Lord of the Rings? It is, yeah. Shmeagle. Oh, it's my precious. That's amazing. You get the seventh inning cow stretch.

You just mooing and fucking. Take me out to the. Take me out to the shmeagle the sign of the seventh year on the opening day now that now another cow was born in texas and and as a christian farmer the calf give the calf is born it's a red heifer something strange about the red heifer and i have a picture of that there okay okay that's a shitty seven i gotta say if you see this picture it's a shitty seven it kind of looks like it just looks like a greater than sand on its face it's like a greater than sign

you know where you kind of do like the one alligator eats the bigger number that's what it looks like to me could they have taken like what what is with this cow like they had to take a picture from the fucking space shuttle it's so far away are you you kidding me? You don't get near bad cows, motherfucker. You don't get near them, motherfuckers. Look at this. This picture is so small. It's like somebody fucking put a telescopic lens on a fucking potato to take this picture. It's outrageous.

That is a second cow with a number seven born on the same day, September 25th, the opening day of the Shemitah. So now it's 14 it's not even they need to have like fucking don't they have to have like seven more cows or five more cows born with sevens i don't do you have to have them i thought you just had to have seven like fucking dirty whore cows or whatever the thing is is like as many cows as that have the that have a vague shape of the number seven that they have a picture of, they will fucking mention. But all the other fucking millions and billions of cows that are born every year, they're not going to mention. Well, because they're not fucking precious cows. They're not fucking Schmeagol cows or whatever.

You would think out of all the fucking cows born, one them's gonna be born like a fucking suit eventually he has a top hat and like a fucking suit he's got a monocle when he comes out like a monocle like what's that pardon me sirs but have you seen my shmeagle this is the biblical sign now the thing is that in in, you had the Shemitah that led to a different kind of fall. Not only economy, you had actually, you had a spiritual fall. America legalizes the killing of its unborn children. This is major. This year, 2015, has been just as significant. Something very major has happened. This is very significant. That is, in the Bible, you know, one of the signs that precedes judgment is the act of desecration.

Ezekiel's taken to the temple of God and he's shown idols all over the temple and God says judgment's coming. In Daniel's in Babylon, the king says we're going to take the vessels of the temple of Jerusalem. What the fuck is he on about, dude? What the fuck is he on about right now? Do you hear all this? Are you fucking kidding me? We got to take the fucking vessels from the temples. I got cows.

Fucking Ezekiel with Daniel. We're going to have a fucking sad face and a fucking unhappy cloud shows up. And people are casting spears. Fucking what are you on about? This is fucking crazy. What are you saying, you fucking shmeagle talking motherfucker it's like four minutes long and he's not saying anything i can't i seriously i hear that i'm just like i can't i'm so not listening to this shit i am so not and fucking

pat's like oh yeah that's that's a fucking remember that story. I love fucking Ezekiel talk. It's amazing, dude. Jesus. He's just talking about something in the Bible. And the thing is, like, you have a giant book full of all kinds of different disparate things. Of course you can find one thing in there that – and the thing is, like, when he gets to this point, it doesn't even make any sense. Like, let's let him get to it at least. Oh, God.

I know. Let me hear about how you fucking lost your ring and your precious, Schmeagol. The holy vessels, and we're going to drink from them, and we're going to drink to the gods. At that moment, the hand appears, handwriting on the wall, this night is judgment. So the act of desecration precedes judgment. Desecration is to take something made for God to turn it against its purposes and turn it against God. Well, another... Well, like the anus? Are we talking about the anus here?

What are you talking about? Something that was made for God that we turn it against God? Yeah, it's the butt. Vessel, holy of consecration. Vessel? It's the butt. So far, it's the butt. It's still the butt. It's marriage. Marriage is... Well, that's not the butt. No, you don't get the butt too much once you get married. It's kind of. It's still the butt. It is marriage. Marriage is a... Well, that's not the butt.

No, you don't get the butt too much once you get married. It's kind of the taint, if you ask me. God, it is his vessel. If you take that vessel and you turn it against its purposes and turn it against God's purposes, it's an act of desecration. About two months ago, America crossed the line. The Supreme Court strikes down marriage, as we know it. Act of desecration about two months ago america crossed the line the supreme court strikes down marriage as we know it active desecration all across america this is celebrated with a sign of the

rainbow the rainbow doesn't belong to man or an organization of man the rainbow it belongs to god it is his holy holy vessel and yet to take the rainbow what the fucking listen to this man who is listening to this guy? The rainbow belongs to God. Even how do we see it? It's my. Well, that's my rainbow. I just loaned it to you every now and again. When it gets all rain shiny outside.

That's why I call it rain shiny. Look, you go to Rent-A-Center and you get individual colors. That's how this works. Yeah, I'm just I'm just loaning you that rainbow for your looking eyes. I'll later burn them out. It's all good. It's fine. When you burn in the lake of fire like all you fucks will.

Not loving me enough. And use that as a celebration of this first desecration is a double desecration. A double dog desecration. A double dog derdom, Tom. Wow, we're finger cuffing this desecration. Let's see if we can get to a triple dog derdom. And then that night, Pat, remember with Babylon, it happens in the palace, the highest house of Babylon, on the wall.

Well, that night, the White House, the highest house in the land, puts up the sign of the rainbow. Literally, the White House becomes a vessel of desecration celebrating this this is a triple desecration it's a triple dog dare you and what is the rainbow the rainbow is a sign of god's covenant it's a sign linked to judgment his covenant for what well slow the fuck down his covenant to what his covenant not to drown the earth again when he gets fucking pissy yeah according to your fucking crazy story for super lunatics that never fucking happened never happened none of this fucking crazy cockamamie nonsensical bullshit ever happened but fine according to your fucking cuckoo mythology

the rainbow is the fucking consolation prize to the fucking last man standing incest family that has to fuck until the earth is repopulated. Since God fucking had a temper tantrum that created a global genocide. That, that covenant, I just wanted to be real clear about which covenant. And mercy. And so to twist that, to turn that on its head, how much more can we do to provoke God in this hour? And so here we have the handwriting in Babylon. Now you have the handwriting appears on the White House, on the walls of the White House, in the color of the rainbow. And you say, how can we get any worse than that?

We crossed the line. Well, right now there's a woman in jail now. And this is another sign. In the Bible, you actually had, before judgment came, you had prophets in jail. You had Jeremiah in jail when the thing came. It's a sign that the prophets cried out. They said, woe to those who call evil good and good evil. Well, it's happening now.

Is she a prophet? Kim Davis is a prophet? I don't know. She's certainly got a prophet from all this. I guarantee you that. Yeah, a different kind of prophet. Right? This guy couldn't speak any faster.

This guy is so fucking excited, man. He's like, oh, and it's all nonsense. Yeah, it really is all nonsense, man. None of this means a fucking thing. This is how easy it is to turn, like, everyday events and just twist that shit into, like, oh, it matches the fucking prophecy. You could do the same thing with the fucking Harry Potter prophecies, man. I bet you could. I bet you could.

You know, anything that's written in any prophetical sense, I bet you could. I bet you could take any of the books from the Norse tradition or the fucking American Indian tradition or the, you know, you just start naming off different traditions that had either prophecies or anything. And you fucking, you could probably And you could easily match it. Look at all the 2012 shit that went around. I know, right? And it's like all the fucking dimwits who have a fucking raging heart on about fucking Nostradamus, right?

Oh, yeah. That shit is easy. I mean, you read that and there's so many different fucking ways to interpret it. Right. You read the Nostradamus stuff and you can just look at it and you're like, oh my God, there's a billion ways to interpret it and it wasn't even written like this for this particular purpose. But it's so funny because it's like, well, the handwriting on the wall

and then that's really the rainbow. No. I mean that's a rainbow if you redefine the terms, right? Like if you keep – if you just constantly redefine what things are. Yeah, if you cast out a bigger net every time. Right. So you're just like you're assigning a value. You're saying, oh, well, metaphorically the rainbow is the handwriting.

Well, I don't know, man. Maybe earlier it was actual handwriting because that was a different thing. So if you need it to match, just decide it matches and call it a metaphor. That's a metaphor. And God is letting cows get shit out with fucking sevens on their head, but not like fucking. Like, why not have a cow that comes out with like four normal hooves, but then like seven other hooves that come off of it. So it looks like a goddamn arachnid or something, you know? Like, why not have a cow like like fucking look all crazy

or something what but instead it's just like oh it just kind of has like a seven pattern on its face if god really wanted people to not do shit why not have cows get like why not like on wednesday every cow across the world that got born on the side of the fucking cow was written enough with the gay marriage already god yeah you know super easy fucking easy peasy stories outrageous and amazing it's from the raw story florida gun maker thinks crusader gun will act as muslim terrorist kryptonite wow so what a fucking idiotic twat this guy is this is spectacular so this fucking dimwit has made an ar-15 he's's calling it the Crusader. Oh, that's not a fucking loaded term at all.

Right. A loaded. Yeah. Loaded. You see what I did there with the gun? Hey, nice video. It's a gun. It's a loaded term.

Yeah. So he made this AR-15, and it's intended to be a weapon that Muslims can't pick up because it has fucking Bible words on it. It's not Thor's hammer right what the fuck i gotta tell you like if there's a fucking firefight and somebody drops an ar-15 and somebody else needs an ar-15 i don't care if that fucking ar-15 says fuck you tom i hate your fucking face i'm gonna pick it up and shoot somebody with it. He says in the article, he says, right now, as it has been for quite some time, one of the biggest threats in our world remains Islamic terrorism. We wanted to make sure we built a weapon that would never be able to be used by Muslim terrorists to kill innocent people.

It's not fucking Judge Dredd's gun that, like, figures out your dna before you shoot it it's got a fucking engraving in it right and he says he says off the cuff i'd say i'd like to have a gun that if a muslim terrorist picked it up a bolt of lightning would hit and knock him dead well okay i'd like to have six million dollars but that's equally fanciful like Well, the good thing is that both of you could just settle on an engraving. Right. You could get a trophy that said, Tom received $6 million, and he could get a gun that says, if Muslims touch this, they bloated up. Yeah, right? Yeah.

Can you imagine? You just throw it at a Muslim and you just think he's going to explode if he touches it. That's amazing. And just shoots you instead. That's so awesome. It reminds me of those fuckwits that made the pork bullets. I know. Right?

This is even dumber, though. I think this is dumber. It's fucking super goofy. What's written in there is Psalm 144.1. I don't even know that that's a thing. I didn't know that was a thing. But it says, Blessed be the Lord my rock, who trains my hands for war my fingers for battle

that actually could be uh the battle cry of the catholic priests when they diddle children too it sounds like a bad metal yeah but in any case uh it's that's what it says like well you know if somebody read that they'd be like it's not like they would fucking like hiss like a vampire and burn right they would just pick it up and be like, oh, well, I guess the Lord is Allah. Or they would look at it and say, well, I don't read English. Right. And if I had a thing and it had something that I didn't want, I would just fucking throw some electrical tape over it. Seriously, though, like, let's say let's say you're in the fucking the theater over there fighting.

Right. You're over there fighting and you need a weapon and you pick it up and it happens to have fucking Arabic on it. Would you even care? You'd be like, whatever. I would have no idea. I could say like, insert. I could say fucking insert bullets here for all I know.

I don't read that language. I would have no idea what it said. And it wouldn't matter. This is a gun, though, that has a safety that has three settings. Peace, war, and God wills it. A safety that has three settings, Cecil? What kind of fucking retard makes a safety that has three fucking settings? Isn't God wills it, fully auto, though?

I don't think so. It's a civilian manufacturer. Oh, okay. So it wouldn't be full auto. I don't know, then. Yeah. It's just garbage. And then later when he gets called out of making something,

and, like, the fucking, he kind of gets called out on it. He's like, well, our goal isn't to isn't to offend or alienate good people. Yes, it is. Your goal is clearly to offend people. I mean, when you say the biggest threats in the world is Islamic terrorism and that we want to make sure we built a weapon that would never be able to be used by Muslim terrorists to kill innocent people, to advance their rate radical agenda. Yeah, you clearly want to be provocative you're you're you're marketing just be honest about it it's okay with me if you want to be provocative like but just be honest about it like just be like yeah i'm just fucking trying to say

some shit to sell some guns stand by it fucking carve some Bible verses into that shit. I got God wills it as the third option on my safety, which renders the safety less safe. Third option. The third option is like, it's like the Google I feel lucky button. Right. Like when you pull it, you don't know what happens. You're just like, well, maybe it'll shoot. Maybe it won't. Yeah.

I feel lucky. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. So this next story comes from CNN, and it's just fucking nuts. Sarah Palin is eyeing energy secretary in potential Trump administration.

Oh, God. This is more of an apocalyptic sign than cows with fucking sevens or whatever on the Schmeagle day. So if Trump actually makes it and Sarah Palin becomes, I don't know, energy secretary or anything secretary, we're just fucked Cecil. I want to play, this is from CNN and this is Sarah Palin. And like I said, it's from CNN. She's talking about energy policies. Donald Trump says that he would love to have someone of your strength in his administration. When you take a look at the cabinet, is there a particular area you think would line up best with your strengths, a position you'd want to serve in? What would line up with your strengths, right?

She's trying to think of like, what are my strengths? Hold on. She's got to look at her hand to see what's up with her strengths. She's like, what did I write down earlier? What are my strengths again? Fancy walking. I can do that. Reading all the newspapers.

Is there a secretary of newspapers that can be the secretary reader of all the newspapers? Is there a secretary of I lost my notes and now I'm just going to ramble until all of my TV shows get canceled? Is there a secretary of folksy wisdom? Moose. Is there a secretary of moose population control? That's a great question. I think a lot about the Department of energy because energy is my baby oil and gas and minerals those things that god has dumped on this part of the earth

hey y'all i did i was just trying to get rid of those oil gas and minerals i was trying to clean out my yard so i could put my truck on blocks come on now y'all i can't be blamed y'all burn my poop that I done poop up there. That's what I did. I pooped. I'm not going to lie about it. All it is is a drainage for my septic system. That's it. I love that God

has dumped that stuff on our side of the globe. I just dropped fucking energy up there. Didn't you see the sign God? It says no dumping zone. For mankind's use, instead of us relying on unfriendly foreign nations for us to import their resources, I think a lot about Department of Energy. And if I were head of that, I'd get rid of it.

I'm the head of the thing. I'm canceling the thing. Thank God she didn't become vice president. She's like, I'm going to cancel the vice presidency. Just cancel America. You know what? Oh, God. Shut it down. That's amazing.

Shut it down. And I'd let the states start having more control over the lands that are within their boundaries. The lands that are within their boundaries? Isn't that the state? What does that mean? Play that over again. Do you mind?

No, not at all. And I'd let the states start having more control over the lands that are within their boundaries. And the people who are affected by the developments within their states. So, what the fuck? What does that mean? The states would have more control over the states? I don't know. I don't understand either.

The states would have more control over the land within their boundaries. I think what she's saying is that they would be able to decide if they wanted to drill or not. Sure. And not the federal government, right? Not the federal government. That's what she's getting at. She's making a states' rights argument.

She's just so impossibly obtuse. My God. To listen to this woman speak is just... Look, Tom, that's our future energy secretary. Well, only for like a week. She hate fucks the English language when she speaks. She really does. She just fucking...

She like choke fucks it. Oh my God. You know, if I were in charge of that, it would be a short-term job. But it would be really great to have someone who knows energy and is pro-responsible development to be in charge. Yeah, she knows energy, Tom. She's very energetic. Yeah. She's very energetic.

She's not energetic like a physicist, though. More like in a folksy sort of useless way right but more but certainly energetic she's energy in like uh like a like a chained up meth addict kind of a way you know she's right she's energetic like a hyperactive toddler uh sort of a way or like uh you know did she really just say that she knows energy? She did. Yeah. She knows energy because she lives in a state that has some. Oh, God.

I really think she thinks that, man. I really think that she thinks that she has – that she is an expert on energy and energy policy because she lives in a state from which energy is derived. Don't all states have the potential energy, though? I don't know. I mean, I don't know. Maybe there's some states that don't have much energy potential. I would argue there are many states that have no potential and should just be excised from the country entirely.

First off, a terrifying thing to even gloss over is a trump presidency let's not let's never think about that again that's a terrifying thing say it gloss over but do you think it's gonna happen cecil well i'll tell you i think he's he's doing very well because a lot of people on both sides bernie sanders is doing well and so is Trump because they don't feel like career politicians. They don't feel like people who are following the – what we're used to, which is somebody coming in and saying, look, I'll give you a handjob and then be like, hey, you know what? I'm really tired. Sort of thing. And that's what every politician does that's i mean and i don't care how many people fucking send us mail about barack obama being like how fucking he's the

second coming he did that in a huge way you know um you know fucking uh do we still have people in guantanamo you know what i mean like are there fucking still people down there yeah getting fucking like uh waterboarded every day basically? Security policy, drone strikes, the continuing war. Yeah. I mean – It's terrible. I'm not saying he's done nothing, but he's nowhere near as progressive as the progressives would have hoped for.

Yeah. It's just crazy to me. But I think that people see that as a way to be refreshed they're like i'm refreshed by this there's there's two people in this race that are very different uh from all the rest yeah and that is refreshing now will that get anywhere past the fucking primaries i have no idea yeah right i mean there's a long I mean, Hillary's still killing Bernie. You know what I mean? She still has tons of the vote.

Now he's gaining, but she still has tons of the vote. Now Trump, Trump is the fucking standing tall in a field of midgets because all those people are awful. They are really super terrible. So he has a real good chance of winning primaries, I think. I mean, as long as he doesn't say anything. Well, you know what? I was going to say as long as he doesn't say anything well you know what i was gonna say as long as you say anything racist but no it doesn't matter he'll say so many he'll say he's already said so many racist things i can't imagine that's the thing about that's the thing about trump i can't understand it's like i think he's tapped into the deep-seated xenophobic racist base that is the white republican party and they love it they're fucking they're frothing at the mouth about it man like he just he just recently said

that he would not run on an independent ticket if he wasn't in the primary right which is which is antithetical to what he had previously said you know even why he said it is because he said he didn't trust the republican party and he didn't think that they would give him a fair shake but now the republican party recognizes that he has a fuck he can be the guy that takes them where they need to go good so i think that i think that he's he's gonna you know i don't think the republican party's stupid and I think that they see who they're going to back. And I think they're seeing Trump and saying, well, this is our guy. My God, that's really terrifying. And then the idea, because Trump has said he'd love to have Palin on his fucking team.

I know. Yep. Are you kidding me? I'd love to have Palin. I'd fucking pick her last for dodgeball. I'd love to have her on my team. You make her the fucking whatever, whatever you make her the fucking whatever whatever you make her the fucking secretary of she just closes up shop it's like you can't even make her secretary

of state she'd be like fucking no more driver's licenses close up shop i know all about energy you know i'm gonna manage it close it all that's amazing well what yeah i would fucking close it fucking close the whole fucking shebang. I don't give a shit. That's how you solve problems. Quit. So we want to thank our most recent patrons, Robert, Chad, Christina, Caleb, Tayed, and Booinator. Booinator? Is it Booinator?

Booinator. Booinator. Thank you all so much for your generous donations. We really do appreciate it. Boo-nator. Boo-nator? Is it Boo-nator? Boo-nator. Boo-nator. Thank you all so much for your generous donations. We really do appreciate it. We are creeping up close to a goal, and the goal that we're getting close to is a patron-only show every quarter, I think, is the next goal for us. So if people were on the fence about whether or not they were going to uh to give to the show well one of the things is we're thinking about doing a patron and only show uh and that would be

uh every you basically get four of those a year that no one else would hear except for the patron i promise a show no worse than we already produced. Than we already put out. Right. We did get one PayPal donation. We did. We got a PayPal donation from Richard. Richard, thank you very much. It's terribly kind of you.

Somebody put together, Tom, our scat with a death metal lick underneath. So I want to play this. This is from Elvis. Elvis put this together. I love the fucking eagle. That's terrific. The eagle cry at the end is just fucking sheer genius. You know, sometimes we get things wrong on this show.

We do? We didn't get anything wrong about English food because it's terrible. That's not food. We did get something wrong last week. We did get something wrong last week. We did get something wrong last week about Deez Nuts. So I want to read this. This is from Mark, and I can't believe we've messed this up. Mark says, I try not to send pedantic emails commenting on your fine show,

but I must take issue with some sloppy reporting on your part regarding the surging campaign of the independent candidate Deez Nuts. Specifically, you missed the important announcement regarding his running mate, Anya Chin. Clearly, Deez Nuts Anya Chin ticket is aimed straight at the teabagger vote. And in my humble opinion, it has an excellent chance of defeating the other nuts and dicks in the ring. That's pretty great. I love Deez Nuts Anya Chin. I think Deez Nuts Anya Chin does have a strong pace to move forward,

and I think that's where this country needs to go is to wear Deez Nuts on your chin. Yeah, I appreciate that Deez Nuts on your chin are thrusting forward toward victory, and I think that eventually it will culminate in some surprises. So we got a lot of comments about Houston, of course. And one person, Tom, said they said that you could get a better burrito. This is a voicemail that you could get a better burrito in a gas station down in Houston than you can in Chicago, because evidently we're bereft of Mexicans up here. We have no Mexicans in Chicago that can actually make a burrito for people to eat. Yeah, the burrito is a tremendously complicated culinary product.

Yeah, which you can only get those ingredients in the South. Right. Yeah. Incidentally, Chicago is the number two city in the united states in terms of its total uh population of mexicans incidentally um so just throwing that out there that yeah it's number two in the united states for mexican immigrants yeah so we actually have awesome mexican food in chicago we do we do we have great Mexican food.

Of course, some of those neighborhoods are neighborhoods you'd want to go to to get the Mexican food. But it's there. We're just going to presume it's there. Yeah, it's like Schrodinger's Mexican food. Anyway, we got sent a ton of terrible music. Oh, my God. There's somebody who sent us like a woman singing rowan sent us this woman singing a death metal it's the worst song i've ever heard in my entire

life and then a bunch of people said like acapella metal my favorite fucking thing on the earth the people that sent us von kanto i fucking love you all so much. That is my new very favorite band. They're terrible and I adore them. I grinned like a fucking Cheshire Cat listening to that. Watching the videos. That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. It's just, it sounds

like, it's like, it's like when I listen to it, the first thing I think is like, well, Bobby McFerrin would have done the drums. Right, he would have. He would have. He would have hit hit his chest be like like he'd have fucking hit his chest and you fucking assholes can't even do the drum it's so fucking funny like the cecil did you okay i know i got 10 seconds into the song and shut it off dude there is they do a cover of master of puppets i got 10 seconds into the master of puppets cover and shut it off. They do a cover of Master of Puppets. I got 10 seconds into the Master of Puppets cover and shut it off. But did you get to the 6 minute

mark where they do the guitar solo? I got to 10 seconds. You gotta listen to the guitar solo! The chances of me listening to the guitar solo of some jagoff going It's so great! It's the best thing in the entire world! It's never happening.

But you're missing. I'm literally missing nothing. I love it. It's so great. And somebody made a comment like, you know, let me say, what do you play in your band? I just say, juggerna, juggerna, juggerna, juggerna. And that's a little bit essential. If I became president, what I would do is I would take Sarah Palin and put her in charge.

She'd be secretary of Vonsanto. So they could close it all down. Close it down. I love it. They do more than just jugging and jugging. No, they don't. It's so funny. It's the worst thing ever.

I'm seriously going to listen just to this band for a fucking solid week. They make me laugh so hard. So I got to give a shout out. Tayad asked us to shout out. He's a recent patron, and he said, Please shout out to my reverend sister, Mary Elliot, of the People's Fellowship Assembly at Fournay. So there you go. And I pronounce it exactly how he said.

We got a message. This is an image of a church sign that we think is great. The church is called Jesus is Amazing. But more than that, it says Jesus is Amazing Church. Yeah, it's very true. It's not just it's not the church of jesus is amazing it's just jesus is amazing church it's so it's so funny dude dude we got a message from rachel and she said uh that you know we were skis out last week by all of the Christian rock songs.

And she said, I was a Christian, and I was fucking super skis out about those fucking things too. Because some of these lyrics are super crazy. And I guess they change some of the lyrics in a certain point because there was a sloppy wet kiss, and many churchgoers thought the phrase was gross. So some churches changed the lyric to an unforeseen kiss.

She's like, no, that's not better. That's not better. You're not fixing it when you do that. Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place? Now that is definitely talk about.

That is definitely secret talk about sex right there. Yeah. Spread wide in the eye. Part of me wonders if the writers of these songs aren't just fucking with the people listening. Just trying to push the envelope as much as they can. Watch this. I bet I can write fucking anything. I bet these fucking yahoos couldn't catch a fucking innuendo if you fucked them with it.

Well, thank you you rachel for sending in your uh your message and i got a message from kathleen who told me a story about her mom who passed away and she said hopefully my my mom's story will cheer you up and her story is about her mom who has cancer and at one point her uncle travels 200 miles in a car, stands there. And he says, and I'm going to read directly. It says standing there,

she opens the door. He's just standing there presenting her in outstretched hands, a cheap unwrapped hamburger bun. It has been blessed. He said, and then he handed headed to his car, turned around and drove 200 miles home. And then basically her mom just had

no idea what to do with it but then tried to relate the story to kathleen and couldn't do it she was laughing too hard this person drove 200 miles which is a that's a fucking three and a half hour drive to fucking hand off a bun right Right. You got to admire that. I feel like, you know, there are very few people I would drive 400 miles to hand a bun to. You know, that's love, Cecil. It really is. That's love. That's how you know.

You know, that really should be the question. Like, you know, it's not do you take this man it's like would you drive 400 miles to hand a blessed bun to a cancer stricken white yeah i'll do that okay fine you guys can i've been to i've been to like uh large gatherings of people who are having like a thanksgiving dinner or whatever and they will bring in a bread that someone had blessed at their church that day really I won't eat it. I walk past and I've been told a couple of times, why don't you get some bread? I'm like, nah, I don't want heartburn. Tastes like blood.

Ew. Sorry. So thank you, Kathleen, for sending that in. So that wraps it up for this week. However, this is one of those special weeks where we do an extra show. So there should be an extra show on Thursdayursday for you and then we'll be back uh with another show next monday but uh and we're also going to be uh trying to record with a couple other people soon we will let you know how that goes and we will give you announcements if we appear on other shores shows

or if other people appear on our shows. We're not going to put all those eggs in a basket and then fucking drop it like we normally do. We're going to wait until they actually come through. But there might be a special guest on the midweek show this week, just letting you know. But until next time, we're going to leave you like we always

do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces. Cancer cures.

Detox. Reflex. Foot massage. Death in towers. Tarot cards. Psychic healing. Crystal balls. Bigfoot.

Yeti. Aliens. Churches. Mosques and synagogues. Temples. Dragons. Giant worms. Atlantis.

Dolphins. Truthers. Birthers. Witches. Wizards. Vaccine nuts. Shaman healers. Evangelists. Conspiracy. worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides.

Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. Doubt even this. We'll see you next time. you