Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 251: A Perfectly Good Sin Chicken

Episode Date: September 28, 2015

             

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording from glory hole studios in chic, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way, we bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome at this is episode 251 of Cognitive Dissonance. And Cecil, I found out much to my consternation and chagrin recently that another podcast whose name will not be mentioned referred to me as having an incesty face recently. Really?

Yeah, it was really funny i had a i got a private message from somebody's like hey do you listen to this show and i'm like no i never heard of it and they're like hey check this out they sent me this uh like a time code whatever so i downloaded like they referred to me as having an incesty face i I think they mean down syndrome. I think that's what they're talking about. That's what I thought that they meant. You know, I thought, you know, I took offense to that. It's not the face that's incesty. It's my webbed fingers and toes that are incesty. Thank you very much.

Incesty face? What did they say about me? They didn't say anything about you evidently you were not hideous enough to to merit comment lord but yeah they they decided that i was incesty looking well that's mostly true but that still is me i know it's still mean it it is and i you know i have to admit that you know my my very first thought was well you know imitation is the sincerest form of flattery so that does make sense actually with the incest thing so i'm gonna be just like my sister oh wow oh it was brutal it was brutal. It was brutal. And then I remember nobody listens to that show.

And then I didn't give a shit. Yeah, nobody listens to your show. Because you can make fun of my incesty face, but you can't make fun of my fucking voice, because at least people fucking hear it. people fucking hear it well i i thought that the that the point of the church was to worship god and the boy fucking was just incidental no it's just the other way around the point of the church is the boy fucking all the other stuff is just busy work so this first story cecil comes from pri um south america has become a safe haven for the catholic church's alleged child molesters fucking picture too standing behind this kid who's getting a fucking hair he's got a goddamn he's pouring first they're

pouring like soup out of a milk jug or something like whatever that is and they're pouring soup out of a milk jug or something. I don't know what's going on. And they're pouring it in. And this fucking creep-ass priest has got a handful of this kid's hair. And he is looking at him like he wants to fuck him good. That is the most. He is sizing this kid up like checking out a fucking slave's tape. That is the creepiest shit. And also, if you scroll down, I'm going to count the i'm gonna count the pictures so the top one is the creepy one then one more so that's two three four the fifth picture here is also this priest holding this kid's hair while following him down the street

what the fuck is happening down there god damn damn it. That's scary as shit. You're just a priest walking down the street with some kid hair. Fuck, man. I use these as this is my trophy hair. That's what this is. Oh, God. I also want to comment on the soup donation. That's because of the article.

Like that very first picture. It's like accused child sex abuser father jan van dale plays with the hair of a boy collecting a soup donation and there's a dude like you said like a 30 gallon jug oh it's just pouring into a bowl for this kid yeah that's the saddest thing i've ever seen he's got a huge like he's like he's it's a i like the idea too that's a a huge, like, he's like, he's, it's a, I like the idea too that it's a soup donation. Like, can I, can I have some soup? Uh, yeah, all right. Just a little.

We'll just, we'll pour a little bowl. Here, pour a little bowl of soup and then you can go back to getting fucked by your priest. is about how these priests commit some fucking heinous act in either Europe or in North America somewhere, right? And then they basically travel to South America, and down there, they're treated as untouchable. Well, I don't know if untouchable is the right word, but you know what I mean, right? You know what I mean? It's probably a bad phrasing when I say untouchable. Maybe lots of touchable is what we want to say. Very touchable. But they're treated down there like men of God. They're given a lot of leeway and they're revered're revered and i'm just i mean i'm always blown away by this i mean not as blown as the kids but blown away that these guys get shuffled around and down there it's just like oh whatever we're just gonna fucking it's fine go ahead and play with that

kid's hair while i'm pouring him soup sure yeah nothing at all seems unseemly about a child sex molester fondling a boy's hair as he desperately hopes for nutrition yeah nothing at all yeah nothing at all seems out of sorts with this you know like you read this article man and it's they're taking they're taking these fucking predators and they are absolutely they're just it's like oh hang on a minute is is it too hard for you to catch prey here in the first world? Well, here, what about if I ship you down to the third world? Oh, look, now nobody's driving. You can fuck them all.

You can have everyone. It's fucking crazy, man. And like you said, like, you know, you move these people down to south america and all of a sudden not only are they outside of the jurisdiction of of the uh you know areas where they've gotten themselves into trouble but now they've increased their power their power dynamic has fucking risen orders of magnitude moving from you know let's say cleveland ohio where it's like i'm a priest it's like fucking great i'm a steel worker go pound sand who gives a shit right we're moving from fucking cleveland ohio to like argentina how much more power do you wield vastly more

fucking power yeah they even say it in here that they're treated very very differently they're treated like men of god and also you are you know when you're ministering to kids in like you said cleveland ohio you don't hold some sort of sway over them this is a vulnerable population that you hold sway over through your charitable acts so i get to give these kids fucking soup. I get to interact with them all the time. They want to come to me for help all the time. I'm constantly surrounded by kids that are vulnerable, that need me. You know, this guy, he's got to be loving it down there. It's like he's in some kind of crazy pedophile playland. It's like he's in some kind of crazy pedophile playland.

Yes. You know? And he's got a picture book on the wall of all his shirtless friend kids. You're just like, Jesus, that creeps me out. Dude, you're creeping me out, man. Fucking weirdo. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? He's got a little flip book of all shirtless kids.

God damn. It's like putting the cookie monster in charge of the cookie factory in front of your in charge of your chocolate you don't do it you just don't do it it's it's and it's because of the zero tolerance policy right there's a double standard they say there's a zero tolerance policy in europe supposedly it was been forced by the pope but it's also been for years and years they supposedly had the zero tolerance policy in europe supposedly it was been forced by the pope but it's also been for years and years they supposedly had the zero tolerance policy but down there there's no zero tolerance policies you can't play hide the salami with your kid in europe but you certainly can't fucking play re-wrap the chalupa all day down in fucking in south america

and plus like the standards for reporting would be vastly different uh you know in in communities like if you got some fucking little kid who's fucking taking a soup donation from a 30 gallon jug from some strange dude in a white van you're telling me that that kid is going to potentially uh you know uh put into jeopardy his ability to have his next meal by reporting some fucking gropey gropey? Absolutely not. Like, these are people who their parents would be under tremendous pressure to not report, right? You know, it's not even just that these guys get, you know, unfettered access to a vulnerable population. It's not even just that these guys get unfettered access to a vulnerable population. It's that the population is so much more vulnerable that it would actually – you could very easily imagine a scenario where a very poor family relies upon the care of the priest and the influence that the priest has to provide them with things like food and aid

and things along those lines and if the cost of that is that he just gets fucking sexual access to one of your kids versus starving i don't know man that's a fucking that's a fucking lousy choice but i can imagine that scenario playing out and this is a terrible trade in immigration we won't take any of them but we'll send our shitty priests down there what the fuck is that about jesus even if it doesn't occur in any number in numbers that are any higher you know percentage wise uh than than in any other population the point is that they clearly actively go through all these measures to hide it. That's it, right?

And protect the people. So they're protecting them. They're hiding it. They're doing all this shit that is nefarious, even if it isn't in the numbers, even if it isn't in the numbers like you said, like they're not doing it in greater numbers. They're just fucking protecting it like an old boys club.

And what makes me crazy is they they get caught doing this and then they're oh no we weren't doing it and then you were you fucking were we got we fucking super caught you guys moving people around the country oh okay all right you got me and then then they put a zero tolerance program in but not for the whole fucking world like why would you do that why would there be parts of the world that are less deserving of your protections i mean how could you look at the world and say those boys those kids over there because they're rich we won't fuck them yeah but those poor kids over there i'll rape that poor kid. Isn't that exactly, not even implicitly, but that's explicitly what this policy suggests.

That's demonic, everybody. It is absolutely demonic. So this story comes from K4.com, Oklahoma. Pre-K teacher allegedly calls being left-handed evil and sinister. Wow. Okay, great. This reminds me of those. Do you ever hear those stories where they used to try to beat the Native Americans into submission until they would assimilate into the white culture? They would try to teach them their language was evil, everything about their culture was evil. They would take kids away from their parents.

There's a whole program of this where they would take these Native American kids away from their parents and make them live in government homes and go to government schools and such, and they try to have this sort of forced assimilation program when i read this article i couldn't help but think of the same thing it's like it's so ye olde thinking yeah i know it's so backward like change the behavior to get rid of the devil you know like and you wonder how they even found out the kid was fucking left-handed what they put him in the Iron Maiden for a half an hour? It's fucking ridiculous.

Did you read, did you fucking read the fucking excerpt that the person got sent? The story is, this kid is like four years old or something, and comes home and is like, fucking, why aren't you using your left hand? And you're like a left-handed kid, and the kid's like, I told I can't use it. So then they ask the teacher, why the fuck is the kid trying to use its hand you're like a left-handed kid and the kid's like i told i can't use it so then they asked the teacher why the fuck is the kid using is trying to use its right when it's clearly left-handed the teacher got a note and the note says this is an excerpt so it's clearly like from a article or something most children and adults do develop a hand dominance right-handedness is more common than left-handedness in western cultures right-handedness is was considered

to be the correct or right-hand use uh and left-handedness was unlucky inauspicious or frankly evil the word sinister meaning left-handed derives various uh derives from various sources as early as the 15th century and their etymology is now proof of... I know. It's funny because it's sinister. You're like, well, maybe it didn't mean that before we started saying that they're bad. Right. And it says, the number of instances of left-handedness being associated

with wickedness. For example, the devil is often portrayed as left-handed and people throw salt over their left shoulder to ward off the evil spirits that dwell there that's what we're going off of here that the devil could be left i have questions about that because i did read that and i wanted to talk to you about this um how the fuck do we know if the devil is left-handed do we often have images of the devil sitting down to write a fucking hallmark card oh look he's got the pen in his left hand with that

fucking awkward like weird thing that left-handers have to do in order to write you know left to right you twist your arm the wrong way and shit. Right. How would the fuck? Oh, is he holding his pitchfork? In his left hand? How would you even fucking know that the devil was left-handed? I don't know. Why do we throw salt over our lips? Is he just naturally more adept at, like, you hand him a pair of scissors and you're like,

fucking, I can't even cut the entrails out of a heathen with these these are right use these scissors to make more abortions the devil shows up to fucking ned flanders leftorium to buy all of his torturous supplies all right so i'm gonna read some people, and you tell me whether they're left or right-handed. All right. Okay? You ready? Is it the devil? Lefty.

No, the devil's not on here. Oh, shit. Bill Gates. Lefty. He's a lefty. Bill Cosby. Righty. He's a righty.

Oprah Winfrey. Righty. No, she's a lefty. Fuck. Obama. Righty. No, she's a lefty. Fuck. Obama. Righty. No, he's a lefty. Fuck.

Oliver North. Righty. No. Fuck! Leonardo da Vinci. Fucking righties! Some of these have to be righties! Lefty.

Motherfuck this quiz! Dr. Phil. Fucking, he's a righty. No, he's a righty. I'm just going to say lefty for all of these. He's a Phil. Fucking he's a righty. No, he's a righty. I'm just going to say lefty for all of these. He's a righty. He's a righty. He's a righty.

All right. John McCain. Wait, he's not the one. No, it's Bob Dole. He's a no choice-y Bob Dole. He's like, if I wasn't fucking righty, I'm now a lefty. I was. All right.

McCain. They probably tortured him into being a righty. He's a lefty. Son of a whore. Taylor Swift. Lefty. Righty. Fucking son of a first time, I guess, fucking lefty.

Lady Gaga. Lefty. Yes. All right. Kanye West. Righty. Yeah, he's a righty. Lefty. Yes. All right. Kanye West. Righty. Yeah, he's a righty. He sucks.

Justin Bieber. Righty. No, he's a lefty. You were terrible at this. I'm so much worse than Chance. You're so bad at this. Oh, my gosh. You got like four right.

But, you know, I think if we're going to talk about Sinister, you know, if we're going to talk about sinister you know if we're going to talk about that like bill cosby should be a lefty then yeah i mean like come on you would think that bill cosby and uh dr phil well dr phil is a righty right well you would think he would be a lefty you think he'd be sinister i mean you would think he would be the one who would beat it out of someone though. Of all the people here, Dr. Phil would be the one who would shake him awake. Dude, can you imagine? I cannot imagine as a parent my kid, my four-year-old kid coming home and getting this note. Oh my god.

I would be so – at first i would have to think this was a joke and then i would immediately call in sick to work the next day yes because this shit is going to take all day yep i'm going to make sure this shit takes all day and the worst part is is that the person went to the superintendent and the superintendent said there was no suspension of any kind. There was basically nothing done to this teacher. She told them she thought I needed literature on it. That's what the teacher told the superintendent. But the superintendent did nothing about it yeah i how do you how in the world can you justify this idea that

left-handedness has anything to do with being sinister and unlucky or evil or associated with the devil yeah what are you talking about it's what hand a kid prefers to use exactly it's 2015 i know fucking troglodyte ass motherfuckers god i would be incensed like i'm just gonna hire an endless series of attorneys i just can't even imagine a four-year-old kid comes home from school crying because they think they got a fucking thing is like you tell a four-year-old they have an unlucky hand they believe they have an unlucky hand. I would work two extra jobs to hire the fucking lawyers to do that. I would, I would,

I would make it my personal fucking life's mission to ruin that person's life. I would just, I would fucking, it would become a hobby to ruin their life. I would find ways for them to feel joy only so I could take that from them. I would consider fucking their wife just to see their face. When I send them pictures. You have to fuck her husband.

Well, fine. You know, I'm willing. I'm even willing. Whatever it takes. He's over it takes. When it, Cecil. Whatever it takes. When it comes to vengeance, whatever it takes. Oh, man. I will not cross you ever.

I'm going to be very, very careful. I will never say you have an incest-y face. Never. If I were to take a cup, and I were to spit it into a cup, and I were to hand it to this pretty young lady right here, what's your name? Tierra. Tierra. Tierra's going to take it.

She's going to spit it into it. She's going to pass it around the room, Now we're going to hand it to this pretty young lady right here. What's your name? Tierra. Tierra. Tierra's going to take it. She's going to spit it into it. She's going to pass it around the room, and everybody's going to take a chance spitting it. We're going to hand it to this young lady back here. What's your name? Lizzie. Lizzie? Lizzie's going to drink out of that cup. What would you all think about that?

Pretty disgusting, right? You wouldn't do it. Because you're exchanging bodily fluids, and that's what you do in sexual activity. You exchange bodily fluids, so you see how rampant it can go in terms of your sexual activity. So this story comes to the raw story. Michigan GOP-er. I like that because it makes him sound like the GOMP. GOP-er.

It's a GOP-er. Planned Parenthood teaches sex ed so they can drum up more abortion business. business says dude who clearly does not understand how sex education and contraception work yeah he wants to replace them with unplanned abstinence centers so those are those work those are good so michigan state representative tom hooker hey which is pretty great. Hey, oh, right. So Tom Hooker says that there is a perverse incentive for an organization like Planned Parenthood to get into the sex education business. It is a conflict in that they give out or sell condoms. They offer pregnancy tests and STD testing and obviously if they're pregnant they would then offer an abortion it just seems like an awfully comfortable arrangement for planned

parenthood to teach sex education yeah so maybe this guy doesn't understand that if you use a condom you won't need the abortion right and if you teach sex ed't understand that if you use a condom, you won't need the abortion. And if you teach sex ed, they understand that they can get pregnant and STDs. Right. At least they understand it. Right. They that maybe that, you know, they're still they're still going to get pregnant. They're still going to get STDs. But it has been shown that that happens in a much lower rate once they learn about sex.

Unplanned pregnancy goes way the fuck down. Contraceptive use goes way the fuck up when people understand what their fucking options are. When you just tell them, like, don't fuck, and then you're like a 16-year-old boy, and you're like, wait, I can fuck? Yeah. You're going to fucking don't fuck every time. Because it's super duper fun and if somebody says yeah i'm willing to do that you'd be like i will when you're fucking 15 or 16 you'll fuck

anything and literally anything there's a hole in the couch you have fucked it you fucked the whole and a 15 or 16 year old boy walks around all of the time with a hard on 100 of his waking life and most of his sleeping life he constantly has like a like a book awkwardly over his crotch the whole time yeah 15 16 year old god you remember you remember having to do the locker dance when you'd go over to the locker and you're like you got his big fucking well tiny rock hard erection and you're like holding your book bag in front of it or you're fucking right whatever it was you're just like or you're just standing there with your hands in this weird position you're like why are your hands over your crotch oh just comfortable like this leave me alone and don't judge me and all your friends knew right because they. Because they're just like, fucking, dude, we're all sporting.

It doesn't matter. Like, everybody's been, they're like, we've been fucking hard since second period. Like, that's it. It's just what it is, man. It's just, you don't even walk, when you're like a 15-year-old boy, you don't walk so much as you just sort of thrust all of the time and let your fucking legs catch up. That's all it is. It's a constant. You got to press it between them and sort of walk like that guy on Silence of the Lambs.

Like, would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. You would put the lotion in the basket, but you've used all of the lotion. The thing is, you never put the lotion in the basket. You constantly have the lotion. You're just like, you're put the lotion in the basket. You constantly have the lotion. You're just like, you're always suspiciously out of lotion. Your dad comes home, he's like, why was the Crisco in the basket? I was making fried chicken.

Whatever it takes, dad. Whatever it takes. I fucked everything in this house. You were looking at my AARP catalog? What were you doing? Why was that in the bathroom? It says fit after 50. I was interested.

They weren't even all that fit. I'm just saying I'd fuck grandma's neck waddle wood come on now be ridiculous you're gonna take these kids these fucking raging hormones fucking neck waddle kids where are you gonna put them and you're gonna tell them here's your only sex advice

don't fuck and you think that's gonna work they will they will seriously fuck the abstinence-only teacher. Before he leaves the room. They'll fuck that guy. Are you kidding me?

It's funny because they do that thing where they're like, okay, I'm going to pass this jar around the room, and they all got to spit in the jar, and then they say whether or not, would you drink this? If it if it's you know and he's like three guys fuck that jar three guys fuck that jar as it went around the room it's like would you drink it no but i will stick my dick in it you don't understand there is no limit to like they're like like, you're like, I'll fuck a sewer rat. I don't give a shit.

Hell, I'll fuck a bloated dead sewer rat. Are you kidding me? Come on. Be ridiculous. Oh my God. And this guy can't figure out. He can't figure out that like giving out condoms reduces. I know.

The giving out of the condoms thing is crazy when it's like oh they give out condoms and then they come in pregnant like no that's not how it works and you know the the fucking planned parenthood that was in um it was in a uh an area of indiana and went went it got shut down we talked about this it was like yeah four weeks ago or something there was an one in indiana got shut down and then there was this huge spike in hiv because of like intravenous drugs and like fucking you know people having sex like fucking huge not access to resources and education i don't remember it was hiv or if it was just another std of some kind like some blood std but it was like fucking just spiked you're like well it fucking when you take away these services that provide educational resources to people who are just ignorant of the subject.

All right. You automatically are going to reap what you sow. And this is this is exactly what's going to happen. This guy doesn't even have any clue. He's pasting things together. Don't make any sense. Nothing. They are actually antithetical to each other.

Like, condoms reduce the need for abortions. Because they reduce... I don't understand, Cecil. And this is no bullshit. I don't understand the opposition to condoms. I understand, I guess, from a fucking twisted, bizarre nonsense. I understand it, though. I won't look at the facts like, you know, people who are like, well

what about, you know, these other drugs are, you know, aborto-facients even though they're not and like, okay, fine. But like a condom? Nobody's, there's no fucking fertilized babies, man. Let me see if I can throw this argument at you. I know it's not going to make any sense,

but this is what I think they think, is that if you give them a condom, it's the same thing as giving them sex ed, which is if you tell them how to do it or show them something, you're giving them a free pass to do it and we don't want them to even do it. So if you give them access to anything that can facilitate it in any way you are you're doing something evil in our mind. The only way is to just sew their fucking vaginas shut and cut off their penises.

That's it. And nothing else will work. You just need to hire like a nearsighted moil to come in want to contact the guys go to

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I don't believe in women voting. Theodore Shoebat. Shoebat? Declares. His name is Shoebat. Women have no. That's my favorite part. What a name.

This guy's a fucking flaming bag of assholes. Seriously, though, that's like, that's,'s that his name should become synonymous with crazy. So you'd like crazy as a shoe bat. Right. Well, let's listen to this. This is from right wing watch. I think this is from his fucking YouTube page or something. So it's a video that's on right wing watch.

I think, like I said, it's from I can't imagine him being syndicated, especially the way he talks. So this is Theodore shoe bat basically saying that women don't shouldn't vote and that he's kind of just an awful person. I just want to punch him right in those fucking glasses too, by the way. Oh, I know. He looks like such a D-bag. Fucking Jesus. I want to knock those fucking things off his head. Carly Fiorina is no conservative.

This woman is a wretch. This woman is a feminist. I don't believe in women in politics. I don't give a damn how righteous they sound. I don't believe in women in politics. I don't give a damn how righteous they sound. I don't believe in women in politics. Well, you don't have to believe in it. They fucking already exist. You fucking twat.

It's like saying, I don't believe it's 747. Well, okay. They still fucking exist. It's not the fucking Loch Ness Monster. It's not something we have to have a fucking debate about. I don't believe in women voting. I don't believe in the suffragist movement. The suffragist movement is even a fucking...

You're fucking 90 years behind the times. I don't believe in the suffragist movement. I don't believe in the suffragist movement. What are you kidding me? I don't believe in the Neanderthal movement. That'll never take. What the fuck?

The sufferer? Are you fucking kidding me? We're going to rewind the clock like nearly 100 years at this point? I don't believe in Protestant movement. I don't believe in this Martin Luther. I don't think he's got what it takes to cut off and make his own religion. What the fuck's that about? That'll never go anywhere.

Nailing shit to a door. Whatever, dude. That's nailing shit to a door. Whatever, dude. That's the way to go through life. I don't believe in women in politics. If they're so righteous, let them stay at home and teach their children that righteousness. They have no place on the podium. They got no place in the political sphere.

I'm sorry. They have no place, you fucking dimwit. They got no place. Learn to fucking speak. Did he say got no place? They got no place, you fucking dimwit. They got no place. Learn to fucking speak. Did he say got no place? They got no place. They have no fucking place. Stupid son of a... You know, if you're going to say some fucking hate-filled, mean-spirited shit

that disenfranchises 50% of the Earth's population, at the fucking very least, you owe the respect of speaking it properly you goddamn big glasses hat wearing piece of shit let them stay home and let them convey that righteousness to their children so that they can help develop a righteous generation and here's carly fiorina and i'll get into that in a different video. But I just want to say this one thing about the whole women in politics nonsense. The way that God, the role that God gives women is a powerful position. It's a powerful position. You want to influence people?

Influence your children. Influence the next generation. If we had mothers who emulated the Virgin Mary. What, and not have sex with anyone? Emulated the next generation. If we had mothers who emulated the Virgin Mary... What, and not have sex with anyone? Emulated the Virgin Mary? We don't actually know that much about the Virgin Mary. Well, I mean, like, we know she didn't get fucked. So, like, I mean, we know that much.

That is sort of implicitly in the virgin portion of the Virgin Mary. Look, we're not going to all start spontaneously shitting out kids. It's not a thing, dude. Can't emulate the Virgin Mary. Instead of emulating Jezebels and Eve's and listening to the devil and corrupting their husbands, if we had more women acting like the Virgin Mary and influencing their children with righteousness, we wouldn't have all these losers in universities. What?

Wait. We wouldn't have all these losers in university getting their educations and learning stuff, solving the world's problems, creating art and culture like a bunch of shitheads. Oh, look at me.

I'm the next fucking generation of fucking STEM fucking graduates. I'm going to solve some of the world's most intractable problems fuck you stay at home what up what are you supposed to do with that sort of nonsense it's just it feels like a troll like i i can't even imagine this guy's serious we wouldn't have these losers drinking out of beer pongs and smoking pot we wouldn't have these losers in university sitting there begging the government for free money

so they can pay for their bullcrap studies learning about why lesbians are fat. Or why, I don't know, why McDonald's is bad or something like that. Why Christianity is bad. Why evolution is true. Why we should be allowed to kill babies. Why we should be allowed to cannibalize dead people.

Why we should be allowed to take human, why we should be allowed to cannibalize dead people, why we should be allowed to take human skin cells and try to replicate human flesh so we can put it in restaurants and have steaks made out of human flesh. And the bees, and the dogs, and the bees, and the dogs that shoot the bees out of their mouths. This guy is awesome. This guy is amazing.

I love it. He's like, oh, we're going to fucking basically be eating human steaks because of the universities. I got there. I got there. I got from fucking universities to human steaks in fucking less steps than it takes to get to Kevin Bacon. He just lost his shit so hard. I like to like he's trying to like describe some of like, you know, what he can only imagine are, you know, liberal studies at a university, but clearly not having attended a university. He's simply unable to imagine his ideas like we're going to have a study on why lesbians are fat. What are you talking about? Oh, I'm here to enroll.

You show up to the registrar and look at your university like, I'm here to enroll in why lesbians are fat 101. They're not fat. How could they be fat? They're a constantly eating pussy. I'm sorry, sir. First, you have to enroll in Bigot 096 before you can take... You don't have the prerequisites. And then he shows them one of their videos like, oh, no, go right on in, sir.

You're ready for the advanced master course on this. You've clearly taken the advanced placement bigot courses. Hang on a minute. We'll grant you this fine silken hood for over the top of your head. Oh, that's awesome. That's what they teach in universities. I'm sure you didn't know that. But we wouldn't have this crap if women simply taught righteousness to their children

as opposed and as opposed to trying to compete with men all the time in the political sphere and trying to dominate their husbands i'm sorry it's i had to get that off my chest because this whole thing pisses me off i'm sick and tired of hearing about how righteous this woman is how righteous that woman is i'm just tired of it i'm sick didn't you say though that like women are righteous i think he's questioning that women can be righteous and if they are righteous they should just stay home and we shouldn't know about it yeah i'm tired of hearing about it what they should be fucking secretly righteous secret righteous women that live in home i don't fucking god what a deplorable human being do you think it's true

that he's being truthful yeah do you think it's just it's just clickbait i don't know man i don't know i can't tell anymore i part of i always think these people are fake i always think that these people are lying to get like either clicks or whatever it takes you know what i mean like whatever it takes the thing is is if you say something super controversial like this it doesn't matter whether you agree or disagree with the person who's doing this sort of thing as long as you click on this thing and he gets you to fucking watch his ad who cares yeah and so there's there's this one woman who's been uh all over the news lately um her name i forget her name but she did this like hey fat people video i saw that um and it wasn't very funny it was just they're just basically her just being just recycling a lot

of humor that i've already either heard before but done done by much better comics. So when I heard it, I was just like, okay, you're kind of a cute girl and you're saying like really mean shit. Okay. But the thing is, it just wasn't, it didn't strike me as super funny.

It's also didn't strike me as super offensive. I was just like, okay, fabular fat. Yep. That's, they kind of knew that already. I think they already understood that they were fat.

So bully for you. But then she went on the view and she went all over the place and everybody's been fucking tearing her new asshole well that fucking video has got a fucking bajillion views oh i know so she's she's crying her way all the way to the bank and she keeps making more and more controversial videos because she knows she's she gets eight bajillion views who cares as long as you watch it, right? So she did Hey Fat People and then like the next week she did like fucking the most controversial video ever and then she just did another one. It's like fucking Hey Black People or something.

I forget what it was, but it wasn't Black People. It turned out to be something else, but she just fucking now she's just like clickbait. It's like clickbait time. She recognizes that if she fucking says something hyper controversial, people will click it and they don't necessarily have to agree with her look at all the fucking negative reviews she got for that hey fat person video but guess what fucking millions of those people sat through a fucking ford fucking taurus commercial that popped up beforehand right she raked in money for it yeah you think i i feel like this guy's got to be the same thing he's got to be the same thing. He's got to be the same thing. Because this is such, like, obvious troll is obvious, right?

Right. That's what it feels like to me. It's like, how can you believe this? This is such, the idea that somebody is actually, you know, bellowing out, other than that Pastor Steven Anderson, right? I do think that Pastor Steven Anderson believes his shit. He's another guy who feels like obvious troll is obvious, you know? Yeah, maybe.

I don't know. Let's hear the rest. There's another 30 seconds of this, so let's see if he redeems himself in the last 30 seconds. You're an idiot. So here's Carly Fiorina bashing Putin. She's like, I'm going to confront him, and I'm going to put boats on me. And she got those. She has that white trash look to her face.

Anyway, play the clip. What? To her face? Are you kidding me? Isn't she the CEO of Hewlett Packard? White trash? Are you fucking kidding me? That woman fucking shits more money on a fucking Sunday morning than you'll ever see in your life.

Yeah. White trash. She's white trash, dude. She has the very best trailer in the trailer park. It's made out of solid gold. Are you kidding me? Has a fucking jumbo jet parked on top of it. I am not a supporter of this woman's political aspirations but my god the idea that

you would call somebody white trap this woman is fucking straight rich man yeah dude yeah dude now the concern obviously is if this isn't bottled up in san francisco this kind of nonsense then it's going to be spreading across the entire fruited plain. And you're going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa, and you're going to have a rainbow-colored wrapper for your Whopper. This story is awesome. It's from the Friendly Atheist blog. Facebook troll strikes again to defend rainbow-colored Doritos. So evidently, there is going to be rainbow-colored Doritos that you can buy, and they're actually more expensive.

Did you hear about this? They're like special edition Doritos that you can buy. And if you buy the special edition Doritos, Doritos come in fucking ROYGBIV colors. And it's tremendous. I've seen this a couple of times now. The Target, somebody did the same thing with Target. They set up like a, they pretended that they were Target. Yeah.

And somebody here is pretending on Facebook that basically they represent Doritos, and people go on and they're like, I'm fucking super mad at Doritos, and then people just troll the ever-loving shit out of these guys. That's the best. I love the people that go out of their way to go go over to the facebook page to tell them that they're never gonna buy their

product again i know right i there is there is something truly wonderful i mean truly wonderful about like impotent consumer rage like we're just I'm so mad. I'm never buying your stuff. It's like nobody cares. They don't give a shit. You got to understand, particularly when your product that you're selling costs $3.99. If one person doesn't buy your fucking product, they don't notice. Nobody notices. You did not affect the bottom line.

Nobody gives a shit about you like you're fucking impotent consumer rage nonsense you're fucking false you know army of one boycott bullshit nobody gives a shit when you go to their page and you tell them that they're not doing it's not like the fucking ce CEO fucking shoots himself in the fucking head that night in a fucking peak of rage. Nobody cares. Nobody even notices your fucking $3.99 didn't make it. They throw away more fucking castoffs in a day manufacturing Doritos than all of the fucking manufactured outrage that these dip shits can provide. And the funniest part about this, and they even mentioned, I think it's someone says they say ionic, but it's like, isn't it ironic that people won't buy your product because it's pro LGBT yet?

They're still on Facebook. I think it's amazing because it's so true. Look at all these different things that they decide that they can't live without. Trust me. There's going to be a day when they're going to be walking by the fucking spicy nacho-flavored Doritos ten weeks from now, and they're going to be like, Okay, I'll just get a bag. Yeah, I'm just going to get a bag of those.

Just one bag won't hurt me. Just one bag. Come on, now. Yeah, go ahead. Or what are they going to be at? Like a Super Bowl party? They're going to be like. Ah, come on now. Yeah, go ahead. Or they're, you know, what are they going to be at? Like a Super Bowl party? They'll be like, hey man, want some Doritos? And they'll be like, no! And like, bat them out of the hand and knock them on the ground and be like, those are

unclean homo Doritos! You know, the thing is they're rainbow colored. Yeah. They're not fucking penis flavored. You know? It's okay. It's okay. It's fine. they're not fucking penis flavor you know it's okay it's okay it's fine they're just fucking doritos you have to go out of your way to buy them they're special edition doritos it's not they're fucking you have to go out of your way to buy these things and

people are just like i can't believe it and the but the the fucking guy trolling these guys that same guy who said isn't it ionic which is pretty great that people don't buy your product because it's pro-lgbt if they're still on facebook he wrote robert it's like 10 000 spoons when all you need is a knife isn't it ionic oh it's so great some of these are so funny whoever is doing this is just is just so fucking funny um somebody's like i'm 60 and i've purchased doritos from all over the world i'm sorry this is gone from country to country in their dorito quest to find doritos from every country i wonder if they got like the fucking wasabi and fish oil flavored

ones from fucking Japan or whatever, you know? It's like a squid head flavored Doritos. Whatever weird fucking thing. Like a lutefisk flavored Dorito from wherever the hell they ate lutefisk from. Did you see too that like Mark Zuckerberg

donated like $990 million to Planned Parenthood recently? It was just like, yeah, if you don't like it, fucking get off of Facebook. That's awesome, man.

Like, fuck you. I've been fucking at some point, like, it's like, I have so much money. I can donate basically a billion dollars and I'm still super fucking rich. So if you don't want to use Facebook, you know who gets hurt?

You. Not me. I'm still rich. I'll wake up in the morning rich. Yeah. It's so fucking funny. These guys like it is. It's the same thing with like Carla Fiorina like getting called like white trash.

Like I fucking I wake up so rich tomorrow. He basically donated one year's worth of budget. That's it. He basically gave them one year's worth of budget. And I know that I could have sworn I read something like if defunding Planned Parenthood takes away a certain amount, but I can't remember exactly what that amount was, $130 million or something. Okay. He basically said, okay, well, I'll just give you fucking enough money for, what is that, six years? It's just one guy.

It's just one guy. We've built a society, Cecil, where we have people of such extreme wealth that one guy can just be like, wow, man, what if I just gave you like a billion of my dollars? I think it's so funny. I hope he funds the show. Oh, he becomes a patron. Oh,

$900 million level. I would love it. I would love it. He's just like a the $900 million level. I would love it. I would love it if he was just like a $1 million level. Right? I'll tell you this much. You know, we'll give you a hug for $2 an episode. You know, I'll tell you what, Mark. You're going to need Planned Parenthood.

For a million dollars an episode? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I will suck your dick on TV. You could come all over my incest-y face. I will call my grandparents to watch the live broadcast. I will call my grandparents to watch the live broadcast. I will break my father's heart.

I will impregnate my wife and let you fish my unborn child out with a coat hanger. Okay, we're going to get off i'm not adding to that yeah i i leveled up too fast man you went the ultra nuclear option i don't get it. That's really extraordinary, actually. It's like a really weird crane game. I'm just trying to get it. abortions for all very well no abortions for anyone abortions for some miniature american flags for others sister it comes from vox.com but also everywhere uh carly fiorina won the gop debate but fact

checkers will have a field day so uh carly fiorina um successfully brought up the planned parenthood uh super edited videos and got all fucking worked up about it. And she was talking in the debates about, you know, you got to see these videos if you haven't seen these videos. And it's, you know, what she's referring to are highly edited videos that are supposed to have been of, you know, the evil fucking machiavellian doctors of planned parenthood you know pulling these breathing living moving fetuses out of you know poor indigent mothers who are weeping in regret in the other room let me read let me read what she says this is exactly what she said i dare hillary clinton barack obama to watch these tapes to watch a fully formed fetus

on the table it It's heart beating. It's leg kicking. While someone in the back says we have to keep it alive to harvest its brain. What would you harvest the brain for? Nobody does brain transplants. And the thing is, that's not even accurate. The baby came out in a tuxedo with a monocle. And it was on its way to a wedding when we killed it that's not even accurate yeah all of the doctors of planned parenthood are clearly zombies

it was that the weird thing is that fetus was one day from retirement one day from retirement. One day. It even said as it was coming out, it was like, I'm getting too old for this. It even said it, yeah. Oh, my God. I fucking love that so much. They're like, yeah. It's like she didn't watch a fucking Planned Parenthood thing.

She watched fucking that alien fucking autopsy thing. From like the Fox thing? It's like super fake. It's like a fucking Muppet on the fucking thing. Are you kidding me? Watch as I dissect this rubber glove that I painted a face onto. Okay. I filled it with fucking pus.

It's full of like chicken guts. It's a plastic bag full of fucking raw meat and chicken parts. Okay. That's great. That's awesome. I dare these guys to, I dare you to watch that video.

I love it too. All right. But nobody's scared of your, you think the fucking current sitting fucking president of the United States has not seen some fucking video of some shit that will turn your fucking hair gray? The thing is, too, like I know we're going to get emails about it. So, like, the video, like it's a faked video. At one point they play it in reverse to make it look like a leg is kicking when, in fact, it's just sliding down the side of a bowl. And it's a stillbirth.

It's a stillborn fetus. It's not even an aborted fetus. So it's like it's not the thing and it's not doing the thing. So, like, well, if we change all of the circumstances, wouldn't this be awful? And here's the thing. All the people that are against abortion or whatever, it's fucking legal. It doesn't matter. Abortion is legal.

It's fucking 100% legal. So the very fact that you're going to get all fucking butthurt about this, man, fucking this shit's been solved already. Yeah, but they're still working it out because somebody's going to vote on it. The worst part is that how long ago was that Planned Parenthood? In the 70s? Not Planned Parenthood. Roe versus Wade? Roe versus Wade was in the 70s, wasn't it?

I think it was in the fucking 60s, wasn't it? Was it? I don't know. It's fucking old as shit now. 73. Fucking hell, dude. 73. So the decision is as old as I am.

Jesus, it's old. It's fucking ancient, bro. Christ. So the decision is as old as I am. Jesus, it's old. It's fucking ancient, bro. Christ. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. First off, it doesn't have an incestuous looking face, which is awesome, right? But then secondly... No, but, you know, it's an old ass decision.

It's like fucking... But here's the thing that we've got to look forward to now. Another 40 years of people bitching about the gay marriage decision oh god 40 years we get to fucking i know 42 years we get to fucking listen to that's what we got to do we got to listen to this fucking nonsense and how much longer are we gonna have to listen to the roe v wade shit i don't know till they die off till all the fucking worked up fucking lord old ladies like the fucking church moms just fucking die off and you know the more they talk about it the more all these young kids want to go out and get late-term abortions just because they're just getting they're just they're just getting spite abortions abortions out of

like rebellious teenage abortions yeah they just whatever mom they got fucking they got like a leather jacket with fucking safety pins of fetuses hanging off there you go that's this stuff right there you want answers i think i'm entitled you want answers i want the truth you can't handle the truth this story comes to the new York Post. Jewish chicken slaughter ritual gets okay from judge. I love this. What the what is happening? So check this shit out. This is the best.

If you're a crazy Orthodox Jew, then you sometimes will go through the practice or whatever of caporos during which chickens are slaughtered but more than that you take the chicken you put your sin in the chicken well how do you put the sin in the chicken though and then you whip the chicken around how do you put the sin in the chicken i think i think i actually think it's the whipping around that pulls the sin out of you. Like a cyclonic action, like a Dyson. You know what I mean? Like you spin it around. Cyclonic action like a Dyson. You know what I mean?

Like you spin it. It's a trendy fucking. Yeah. Like hipster chicken. Yeah. It's like a chicken whose design is better than its function chicken. It's like an ergonomic chicken. So the practitioners of this capros ritual, you grab a live chicken by the wings and you swing them above your head three times while praying.

I'm not even making this up. This is something people have fought for and successfully been allowed to do. and successfully been allowed to do. Then, while the chicken is fucking being winged around above your nugget, you are transferring your sins to the bird, then you kill the bird with a knife, and you donate the meat to the poor. Although, they're arguing, the people who don't want this thing to happen are saying,

actually, they're kind of gross with their chickens and leave them all dead all over the fucking place. Right. You don't actually give them to the poor. You just kill them and then leave them there. It's like a perfectly good sin chicken. Why would you go through all of the effort of sticking your sin in a chicken if you can't at the very least feed your sins to the poor. I know. Isn't there something kind of crazy about that too?

I know. It's like, ugh. You know, the thing about the swinging over your head thing, I think that a lot of their rituals involve that. I mean, you see the moils swinging the foreskin over their head after they cut it off. Actually, that's how they get the foreskin over their head after they cut it off. Actually, that's how they get the foreskin. They just grab the penis, spin the kid, and then the foreskin sort of pulls itself out, and they know exactly how long.

Three good spins of the baby over your head if you're holding the cock, that's the length you need to cut. Well, it answers the age-old question, how many spins does it take to get the foreskin off? The center of their penis? A one, a two, a three. Oh, my God. This is a great ritual, though.

I'm glad we're still doing, Tom, in 2015, rituals. Yeah, right. Like ritual animal sacrifices. Yeah, I'm glad that's a thing, that we're doing rituals. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hucking chickens around your head. I love it.

Can you imagine, like, ugh, I totally didn't keep kosher on Thursday. I thought it was kosher. It wasn't kosher. Now I got to go buy a chicken and swing it around my head. The neighbors are going to be pissed because I'm going to fucking leave chicken carcasses to rot in the street. Living next to an Orthodox Jew would be a fucking hellish nightmare. It would be the fucking worst neighbors ever. It would be like living next to a factory farm.

There's just a constant stream of fucking animal sacrifice smoke. It's like bad smells. You're finding hair and everything. It's just awful. God, there's fucking those wires to extend your house. What happens if you're like a really sinful guy? Do you have to use a turkey? You have to like spin it.

Like eventually you're spinning a fucking pig over your head. I guess you can't eat it. But it doesn't matter. You're not going to eat it anyway. At some point you're like one of those fucking discus throwers trying to hurl that thing around like you're around you gotta really you gotta really work it up you know if you've had like a light weekend you know you just got a cornish game hen you're whipping about you know or maybe you could you know if you have a lot of different sins you get like six or seven game hens

why don't they do this with pigeons? It could fucking fight two things at once. You get rid of the fucking sky rats, and then you also, you know, these guys can have their little weird fucking 2,000-year-old fucking blood ritual. God. They have to catch their own pigeons, though.

Right, that's the catch. You got to capture your own pigeons. It's not hard, it turns out. They're fucking tuxedos and beards running around around all you need is a fucking handful of breadcrumbs and a paper bag and you'll catch fucking 60 pigeons they're running around with fucking sacks of where do you even get live chickens in the city where cecil pop quiz hot shot oh i don't know if i told you right now no internet yeah go find me a live chicken to buy could you even do it yeah go to jew neighborhood they gotta have them there you just trade your sins for a chicken they're fucking whacking them

down there come on sins for a chicken here i got sins for a chicken you got sins i got chickens little hasidic chickens they got the little braids next to their running they braid the Sins for a chicken here. I got sins for a chicken. You got sins. I got chickens. Little Hasidic chickens. They got the little braids next to their... They braid the coxcomb on the top there. Looks great. The coxcomb is circumcised, though. Oh. So we want to thank the people who most recently became patrons.

Of course, we want to thank all of our patrons. We're super appreciative of everybody who gives us money each week, but we want to specifically thank the most recent patrons, Edie, Ken, TheRecoveringGringo, Jeff, NonAstrologer, Karen, Steven, Damon, Pat maurice and maddie thank you all so very much for your generous donations tom we got a few paypal donations as well we did chris paul and jason all uh gave us paypal donations terribly kind of you thank you very much we are grateful so we get a ton of email this time um we we only got few emails, but we're going to cover them here.

We got a message from Demand, and Demand says, this is the grossest thing I've ever had to put in my imagination. He says, that's saying something. What needs to occur. Yeah, I know. And I talked earlier about fucking fishing a fucking fetus out of a vagina with a coat hanger. This is grosser. What we need to occur is someone to create a porno of Kim Davis. It would go like this.

First act, her and all of her husbands at once. Second act, at her office, the deputy clerk takes her into the office. Third, the judge calls her into court and takes her into his chambers. And the fourth and final act, she's in jail, orange jumpsuit, and at least one female in the cell the title would be called ride the clerk come davis law does clerk we got a message uh this is from derrick and derrick said you know what a couple of other people said the picture of the clock that i saw is almost exactly what i would see if i close my eyes and ask the picture a movie bomb now we're talking about ahmed muhammad's clock the clock

that was found uh last week he tore apart a clock he put it into a briefcase he brought it to school uh to show a couple of teachers or show a teacher and then he got arrested for it um basically derrick and a couple other people were saying hey look you know this is this thing kind of looks like a bomb and i'm going to tell you that no i don't think it looks like a bomb i think it looks like electronics now i'm not going to make the leap that it looks like a bomb because it just looks like a bunch of electronics i don't see any explosives i don't see anything that says tnt i don't see you know, clay that's supposed to look like plastic explosives. I don't even see a container of anything that would explode, right? All we're seeing is the inside guts of a clock.

Well, that's not necessarily a bomb. I mean, I take my computer apart. It's going to look like a weird bunch of electronics, but that's not necessarily a bomb. I don't think we should be afraid of wires and transistors and circuits and things. That's just what our world looks like when you take the plastic off the top. So we got a call to prayer submission. I'm going to play it. Now, this is you'd have to be familiar

with the Duck Army. So if you if you don't know what the Duck Army is, Google Duck Army. So you know what it is. There's also some funny videos of Adam Savage from Mythbusters doing some Duck Army stuff. But this one is a call to prayer submission that I'm going to play for you now. This is from Lane. that is well cut together that is well put together lane thank you very much i think that's hilarious tom we got a message from danny Yeah, Danny says, we talked about cannibalism in a prior episode. And I think Cecil and I both agreed that if it came down to it, if I died first, Cecil would have no problem consuming my bloated carcass.

And I wouldn't even let Cecil get sick before I would consume his. sick before I would consume his. Danny says, FDA strongly recommends you to limit your take of Americans due to their high contents of saturated fat, cholesterol, and salt. Instead, it's recommended that you eat Greeks or Italians as the Mediterranean diet is

seen as beneficial to your health. I have Mediterranean diet. Personally, I would avoid Asian because even if you've eaten a whole one, you just get hungry straight away. And also avoid Scandinavians. We just taste like pickled herring. So nicely done.

That's fucking disgusting. Why would you pickle fish? Have you ever had pickled fish, man? No. I've had pickled herring when I was a kid. It tastes exactly what it sounds like it's fishy vinegary that sounds horrifying it's it is the worst thing god it's super disgusting oh i'd rather eat like a fucking plant parrot fetus brain dude i'd rather eat homeless ass so this is uh this is the last email we got we got it from

nate and nate sent us a picture of an ad for a jesus painting some some dude did we're gonna put it on this week's show notes you really just have to look at it to fucking see it it's so fucking bad. It's the worst picture I've ever seen in my life. His face, it looks like it was done by a six-year-old. It's so awful. I'm going to read what it says. I was painting last night with my kids, and one asked, Dad, what are you making? First thing that came to mind was Jesus. I'm not a painter by any means

and i painted jesus and it turned out like this and i then decided this is a message and i will post it and ask for a hundred dollars which i'll donate to sick children i love it uh it's it's though it's a spectacularly awful painting it's like cross-eyed fucking... And some maze balls. Well, that's gonna wrap it up for this week. We're gonna be back with a midweek show

next week, we think. But until then, we're gonna leave you like we always do with The Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble,

pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms atlantis dolphins truthers birthers witches wizards vaccine nuts shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides.

Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. Doubt even this. Outro Music you