Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 254: Evil Dictator Combine

Episode Date: October 12, 2015

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hello, my name is Michelle Smith, and I've been listening to your show for over a year, and I have promised myself several times that I would call you guys and leave you a message, and your show, I think it was the Thursday show, really sort of made me have a bit of a kick in my butt to do it. You see, I am disabled and I live in Maine. I'm legally blind and I have autism. And so after you guys warned me about that mayor in Maine, I made sure to use my blindness jazz piano playing powers and my autism brain man secure hacking powers to get in contact with every

other person with disabilities because as everyone knows we all know each other and then we created you know a crippletron basically and uh we went over to his house and he took his butt thought you should know about that um in case uh if you're the news you never heard it from me bye hey guys it's shooting triple from holy crap the vlog cast again i'm listening to 250 If you're the news, you never heard it from me. Bye. Hey, guys. It's Shushan Tribble from Holy Crap the Vlogcast. Again, I'm listening to 250. You can read. There's some bitches complaining about all these school districts.

You have two really incompatible religious factions, and all you're going to do is have strife and non-unity. Motherfucker. Do you really understand what the hell you're talking about? Listen, it's Russia back in the Soviet block days where they wanted complete unity of thought and action for everybody. Everybody

was the same. Everybody do their whole goddamn thing this way. You know what you need? You got two, you get more than that. Because if you've got more than just the two, then everybody has to learn how to compromise. You have two, that's not an opportunity for there to be all kinds of slice. It's an opportunity for learning, motherfucker. That's what a school is for. Glory to the motherfucker.

Hi, it's Cecil and Tom. I thought you guys might get a kick out of this story. I called you before. I live in a tiny little town in rural Missouri. 37 churches, two bars. It's awful. Anyway, I work at the diner there as a server. And this lady, I'm serving her table and she's talking to me and we're having a nice time. And I'm a closeted atheist. I don't really tell. Well, I'm not closeted, but I don't tell my customers. I don't bring tell. Well, I'm not closeted, but I don't tell my customers. You know, I don't bring it up. Anyway, she starts crying in front of me. And she says, I look just like her daughter.

And she's so upset. And I said, what's wrong with your daughter? And she goes, she's become an atheist. And she starts talking about it. She's like, she listens to this kitchen guy and all these things. She's like, she listens to this kitchen guy and all these things. And I'm just trying my level best to keep a straight face and not kill her. So I'm just like, I gave her a hug.

I'm like, it's okay, honey. It's all right. She'll come around. Because I didn't want to destroy my tips. So anyway, I hope you guys might get a kick out of that story. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. I'm Matt. the news makes it big or makes us mad it's skeptical it's political and there is no welcome matt this is episode 250 something four four i think five four it's four four 254 i knew that i knew it all along cecil i was just testing you did i pass pass the test? I don't know.

Because I don't have the teacher's manual in front of me at the moment. This is definitely an episode. I'm willing to at least go that far. I'm missing the Cubs game. Well, the Cubs actually just won, I found out just now. Spoiler alert. How did you miss it? The Cubs are in the playoffs now. You know, it's funny.

As I saw today, and I don't know, I tried to do a little research on it. I wasn't sure if it was true or not, but it looked like people were saying that Back to the Future 2, Marty McFly jumps out of the car, and there's the kids on the hoverboard,

and then he looks up at this billboard, and it says, Congratulations to the world champion Cubs that won the World Series. And it was 2015 when he jumped out of the thing. And so maybe it's possible if the Cubs win the World Series, which is doubtful. They're a wildcard team. I doubt they will. But in any case, it's possible if that's true.

it's possible if that's true and i don't again i don't remember because i haven't watched the movie in years and i'm only trusting screenshots which can be photoshopped uh that it's that the cubs could win the world series the same year that fucking robert zemeckis fucking or whatever predicted years ago that he would you know it's funny because i was driving home from work and i called somebody that i work with and i had a question and uh he's funny because i was driving home from work and i called somebody that i work with and i had a question and uh he's like yeah i'm not going to do that thing we were going to do i'm going to watch the cubs game and i was like what wait what why what's happening what's going on here and he's like yeah didn't you hear it's a big game he's like they've you know if they win they get in the playoffs and then i was like oh okay well so then so then what happens then he's like

well then they got to win five more games and i'm like and then they're in the world series like no then they got to win another five games or something they actually have to win i'm like and then they're in the world series he's like no then they got to win like seven games i'm like well fucking call me when we're less than 20 games away from winning something that's what i can't fucking stand about baseball. I'm supposed to get excited about something that's fucking it's a month away from happening. Yeah, but the thing is

the baseball season is 180 some games. Again, how am I supposed to possibly get excited? I cannot understand baseball love. I can't. It's okay. It's okay. And I can kind of get there It's okay. It's okay. Dude, of all,

and I can kind of get there with a few of the other sports because, you know, they're sort of running around and there's this vague sense of excitement that I can understand. I don't,

baseball to me is just like it's a place to go buy hot dogs. I don't understand the appeal of that. I do not watch baseball all year. I don't watch any baseball but if if a chicago team is in the playoffs i will watch the playoffs if the world series is

on i will watch the world series but i won't watch anything else other than that and is it exciting when you watch it are you like yes i am tuned into this i'm interested i don't mean i don't know that it's like i'm not on the edge of my seat when when the socks were in i was interested sure okay but i'm not on the edge of my seat i mean i'm not criticizing it don't get me wrong i don't give a fuck you can't criticize you cannot criticize my fucking tv viewing habits i can too impossible don't tell me what i can i can watch the kardashians if i want doesn't matter fucking whatever end this. She's got a big ass, bro. I will only accept the continuation of our friendship with you watching Kardashians muted. In the name of Jesus, we speak that. This story is fucking kind of in line with our prior comments regarding the sporting season.

It's from the New York Post. Priest pointed a musket. An eight-year-old over Giants-Cowboys rivalry. What kind of musket was it, though? It was a Civil War-era musket. musket i think that's important suddenly that matters no i mean i think basically if you have a a civil war musket i mean all you need is a saw and a tourniquet and you're basically immune to anything that happens so you'd be fine it's all good i i read this story and i couldn't get over the musket. Yeah, me either. The whole thing, it's like, who has a musket? Civil War enthusiasts, I guess.

Why do you have a ye olde musket? What were you doing with that? And the thing is, like, the musket that he pointed, according to the story, the musket that he pointed at him was loaded. Yeah. But think about that. Yeah. that's not an inconsiderable task hang on a minute you like the giants let me get out my powder and pour it down and tamp it in meanwhile the eight-year-old's like what are you doing hang on i gotta it takes me like 20 minutes to point this thing at you i'm not sure that uh this is a better way for priests to give the kids their mini balls.

I don't think that this is a – or their ramrod, I guess, for that matter. It's one of those moments. It's a different way to get a charge in the rectory. It certainly is. It certainly is. Yeah, why would you – I guess you would just have to have it loaded because if not – I mean it's not for burglaries unless it's already loaded because you got to like have the guy stop. Right. Hang on a minute.

I need a moment for this one. While you wake, I can order you Jimmy John's. Do you want to wait a few minutes? You know, I was surprised when I read this, too, because it's not the only time that some priest was packing the musket back there. It's true. at the rectory previously it's been a euphemism it's yeah right so but now it's yeah so i think actually all things considered alone with a priest this is probably your best case outcome yeah sure yeah what this is you walk away without with a leg that's gimpy for the rest of your life the eight-year-old walks out with a

fucking ball through his fucking leg and he's like like, well, at least it was the leg. Well, you know, the good thing is that when he leaves with the ball through his leg, he writes really, really eloquent letters to his family. Right? And he can take pictures of himself and pan over them in slow motion. Someone can read his letter and, like, you can get Sam, what is that motion. Someone can read his letter and you can get Sam, what is that, Sam Elliot to read his letter to his mom. Dearest mother. Beef, it's what's for dinner.

They say war is hell. But they've never been to St. Mary's when the Giants were playing. It's so awesome too because the Giants still lost even though, God. It's so awesome, too, because the Giants still lost, even though he pointed that fucking thing at him. So it's like... And you're so... So not only does he have to spend the night in the fucking po-po,

but he's also fucking your team lost, too, bro. Right? Get out. You're like, so did we at least win when I threatened the fucking second grader with a ye oldies weapon? Did God award us a win? No, sorry. Eli Manning fucking choked again, bro.

Such a weird thing to do, man. It's such a weird thing to do. To leave an eight-year-old with a priest. What a weird thing to do. All right, we're done. You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms? Of course it's clear.

Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall. How could that possibly be misconstrued? All right, fantastic then. Wait, you know what? Before we send this to the printer, let's take that abortion thing out. So we've got a bunch of stories that all kind of interrelate to one another. The first one comes from the Washington Post. Christians serious about their faith should consider getting guns lieutenant

governor says american tennessee lieutenant governor ron ramsey that's a porn name right name ron ramsey god damn you actually you can't come up with a more pornalicious name than this that's amazing he says uh fellow christians who are serious about their faith think about getting a handgun permit why why exactly does he want these people to do that uh well because whether the perpetrators he's talking about the mass shootings and he says whether the perpetrators are motivated by aggressive secularism yeah well that's none of them jihadist extremism or racial supremacy their targets remain the same christians and defenders of the west no their targets remain the same students yeah like if you're talking about mass shootings the targets are typically families and students the mass

shootings i think are defined by three or more people. That's oftentimes families. Like someone will come home and fucking shoot their whole family and then themselves. It's a mass shooting. It's not fucking, you know, they're not, it's not Christians. The dude who shot up the church, shot up the church because he was a fucking white supremacist dickwad, right? Had nothing to do with the fact that it was a church church just that's where the black people that he wanted to kill were gathered no one's coming gunning for the christians i i have a theory as to why they're

going after the the schools and it's not because they're easy targets um i think the reason why they go after the schools is because it's the thing that they can do to cause the most outrage. You know what I mean? Like the amount of outrage that you can get after going after a school of like innocent children. If they shot up a nursing home, you know, first of all, it'd probably be easier. You know, they don't run so fast. Shut up. So I think there's something to that.

I think that there's an outrage to the idea of killing youth that doesn't exist. Sure. There's something. We just know it. We just know it intrinsically that killing youth feels different than killing, like I said, like killing a nursing home. Don't get me wrong. That would be an awful deplorable act i'm by no means sure and shooting up nursing homes but there there is there's you can feel the

difference you you you can intuit the difference between that and shooting up a kindergarten classroom you know you just you can intuit that there's a there's a there's a difference there in terms of of the uh outrage generation that's going to take place. Plus, you have to – if you're going to do one of these mass shootings, you've got to go someplace where people are gathered in mass. And if you're a young, angry male, what's the first place you think of? Because that's who's doing these things, right? And they're doing them at the places – a lot of times they're doing it at the places that they live or they go. You know what I mean?

Like this kid is like a student here or something. he does this well exactly yeah so or my mom fucking teaches there or whatever and i go there and shoot those people up or the fucking guy who shot up the army barracks or whatever fucking that's where he lived or whatever and went over and shot the fort hood or whatever it was they shot up right and there's exceptions because there's that dude who showed up to that amish schoolhouse and fucking killed a bunch of Amish kids. You remember that a while back? Yeah, vaguely. There's so many school shootings, Tom.

I just forget. I'm just like, whatever. It's hard to keep track of them all. I don't remember. You know, whatever. Well, you know, I mean, the thing to do would be to just add more guns into the system. I think part of the problem is that our students aren't armed. Sure.

You know, we're disarming our disarming the students yeah like lambs to the slaw also i think after the tardy bell goes off that every room should be booby trapped so like when you walk into the room after the bell goes off you just die so if you're late that's your fucking own problem but right nobody can enter the room it's like got a claymore mine or something on the doors. She just blows your shit right up. They just pump the halls with sarin gas. Yeah. So if you try to go through the hall, you're fucking destroyed.

You get a you got to go up to your teacher and ask him for a bathroom pass and a gas mask in order to go. You know, if it's evident, I think that if we only had armed security in our schools, that these mass shootings wouldn't occur. we only had armed security in our schools that these mass shootings wouldn't occur like columbine where there was armed security at the school and the shooting still occurred sure or like where that guy the army guy shot right you're just like well that's like an army base bro like that's like like of all the places they could be prepared, that seems the most likely. And like the Oregon gunman, like there's all these rumors that the Oregon gunman went around specifically killing Christians, but it's fucking apocryphal. Yeah, they are saying, I mean, there's a bunch of people like reporting, but I mean, I'm trying to find, I tried to track it down. I couldn't find it. It's seriously just apocryphal.

It doesn't appear to have any merit behind the claim. I have not found anything that substantiates it. What it does, though, is it plays into this persecution complex, and the persecution complex allows them to continue their fucking fetishization of arming everybody. This incredible love of the firearm that America has that we're so afraid to give up. And it's, you know, Ben Carson. There's another story that came out this week that I think, you know, dovetails this. Fucking Ben Carson said that bodies with bullet holes are preferable to gun control. He said, there is no doubt that this senseless violence is breathtaking, but I never saw

a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away. I thought, well, that's because you've never had to look at someone you loved full of bullet holes. It's always been a third-party problem to you. But tell that to the people on the west side of Chicago who live with this kind of violence every day. Because, like we talked about, Cecil, earlier, that's the real issue. Like the mass shootings are an inconsequential statistic drop in the bucket. There are nothing compared to the normal gun violence that we have.

And you look at places in Chicago that people live where the number, like my area where I live, the average deaths per 100,000 is pretty normal for the United States. It's like I want to say it's in the fours, right, which is normal for the United States. It might be a little higher, like 4.7 instead of 4.4, let's say. But in some parts of Chicago, it's as high as 20, 30, 40. That's like fucking third world country shit. And for some people in the city, some people that grow up in the city, their chances of dying just by who they're related to or who they live by, you know, that certain areas they live in, they're hundreds of times more likely to be shot than I am.

And it's not the amount of guns that you give people there. Because you could airdrop guns onto the west side like you wouldn't believe. Last, like, two weeks ago, there was a woman. Either she was outside her house or in her house, I forget. She's this woman. She had a fucking, she's pregnant. She had a fucking two-year-old in her house, I forget. She's this woman. She's pregnant. She had a fucking two-year-old in her arm. Two-year-old gets shot, and then she gets shot.

Now, what the fuck would a gun do in that situation? What if the two-year-old was armed? I don't even know who you arm in that situation. Well, arm them all. Arm the fetus. Arm whoever you want. A drive-by shooting is not something that you can stop and the thing is we have this narrative in this country that we're going to and we have this narrative all over the

world because we got a fucking message from australia this week that's that somebody was totally totes guns and thought guns were amazing you know the thing is is like we have this narrative that it's like oh guns will stop the crime the crime is a thing that where it that it's like, oh, guns will stop the crime. The crime is a thing that where it's person on person crime. It's bad person on good person crime. It's have nots on have crime. And so the bad people who try to take from the good people will be killed. The bad people who try to carjack good people will be killed. The bad people who try to have home invasions against the good people will be killed. The bad people that try to mug the good people will be killed as long as we arm all those people. What happens when you arm everybody in your area and there happens to be a giant black market for drugs and they're fighting

over the same territory. What happens in that scenario when all those people are armed? What do we do? Well, guns don't solve that problem. Guns exacerbate that problem. Well, yeah, but we don't think it. I mean, let's be really blunt in America. We don't think that matters because we don't think that poor and brown people matter the same way that it matters if, you know, some pretty white girl gets shot. We don't care as much because these people get shot on a frightening basis. a young African-American male on the west side or south side of Chicago, I mean, your likelihood of getting shot is orders of magnitude higher than it would be if you were some white kid living in Highland Park, right? Yeah.

I mean, it's orders of magnitude higher. We just have collectively, as a nation, we've decided that that's not the story we want to tell. Right. Even though that story accounts for more deaths than the stories of the carjacking victim or the stories of the mass shooting victim, where you can sort of imagine this good guy, bad guy scenario. scenario, right? Where, you know, there is a criminal who breaks into your house in the middle of the night and you have to defend your family and there's a, you know, gunfight in the hallway and, you know, you saved your wife and kids from being attacked. And, you know, this shit does not happen very often. These are statistically, this is not, this is not the truth of gun violence in America. Mass shootings aren't the truth of gun violence in America.

The truth of gun violence in America plays out in the west side and south side of Chicago as a great example where people are vying for territory and they're settling disputes with violence. And we somehow have just decided that we don't care. And we somehow have just decided that we don't care. And I hear all the time too like President Obama said that states that passed stricter gun control laws have less gun violence deaths. And one of the counterarguments – I was reading, is this true or false? One of the counterarguments to that was, well, yeah, I mean but that takes into account accidental deaths and suicides as if that somehow mitigates the truth of that statement. Yeah, I mean, I'm looking at 2011 stats here from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Firearm suicides was 21,000 in 2000.

That's Tom. That's six points. Six point seven per hundred thousand that's worse than the murder rate in the united well suicide's a problem we don't want to talk about in this country suicide is you know i don't know anyone that's been murdered but i know three people that have committed suicide it's the it's over half the suicides in 2011 were committed with firearms and firearm suicides are easy you know i? Like fucking that's one calorie of energy to kill yourself. Right.

And there's no moment where you can reverse your decision at the last minute. There is a problem with firearms where they lead to you can make a decision that is too final too quickly with firearms. too quickly with firearms. With guns, if you're having a significant episode in your life and you have a gun in your home and you can make a decision, that decision can be so final, so fast, and there is a problem with having access to that kind of lethality on such a casual basis. And let's not be dishonest about how casual access to lethality is here in the United States. It's incredibly casual.

It is not hard to go buy a gun. There's no barrier to entry when it comes to getting a gun. Illinois, it's ridiculous how easy you can get a gun. I mean, all you have to do is answer a fucking questionnaire. It says you're not fucking crazy. But Cecil, Illinois, they say we have one of the strictest gun control. It's pathetic. It's pathetic.

I answered a questionnaire and they did a background check on me. That's it. Right. But if but when I bought a gun from you, I didn't have to do shit. No. You know, I mean, I bought a shotgun from you. I can't get shells in our country in our shells. You can't get any kind of ammo whatsoever in our state without a foid card that's true and the only thing you can get with a

four but tom i could drive over the state line and get as much fucking ammunition as i want in the end right yep as much as i want without a foid card as much as i fucking i could fucking fill my goddamn car up with shotgun shells yep or whatever Or whatever it is. And we do it all the time when we go shooting just because it's convenient. Right. We have our FOID cards. We could go anywhere we want. It's just convenient to stop in Indiana when we go to Michigan. It's on the way.

Right. Right. But we don't ever have to show them anything. I always pull my wallet out thinking I'm going to have to show my ID or something. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a shit. Like, whatever. You want fucking some juicy fruit with that, too?

Right. They don't give a shit. Well, it give a shit. Like whatever. You want fucking some juicy fruit with that too? Right. They don't give a shit. Well, it's not even locked up behind cabinets either. You could shoplift it. And you know, the thing is, is like, I think one of the things that you said, we were talking like last time about guns was really, really poignant and really, really on point and something that a lot of people just don't get and just completely disregard. And it's the fact that the violence is a given, that the violence is always a given in all these scenarios, that there's going to be criminals and they're going to have these guns and they're going to shoot you.

And then I look over and I look overseas and I look at all these countries with very little crime, very little gun violence, very little murderers. And you're like, well, why is it a given for us? Why is it a given for us and not for anyone else? And I know that there's systemic problems. Don't get me wrong. It's not that there's one thing that you can do and you could erase all violence in this country. It's not going to happen.

You can't just flip one switch, flip one toggle, and you change the whole scope of how there's violence in this country. Violence is embedded in a ton of different systems. Those are economic systems and equality systems, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So I mean you can't just flip one switch. But we look at how other people are doing it and they can do it. So how do we do it? We have to get ourselves closer to that and stop pretending that throwing more guns into the situation is the fucking solution.

Like this inevitability this fatalistic inevitability of crime you hear people say well you know if they couldn't get access if they were intent on doing harm and they were going to do harm and they couldn't get access to a gun they were just you know they could home make a bomb it's like yeah but you gotta you gotta consider how much opportunity always plays into crime. Having the ability to just go out and get that gun and there's no barrier to entry for you or a very limited barrier of entry for you versus making a homemade bomb and transporting it and planting it and detonating it and all. That's why no one's using bombs, man. Or very few people are using,

but it's, it, there's the, you know, if they sold bombs at the fucking local bomb store, I think we would see them more frequently. And that's bullshit too. Cause you just like,

okay, well then you're basically saying that it's easier to shoot people than to fucking blow them up. Cause that's what you're saying. You're from to shoot people. That's what you're saying, right? It's like,

because, because the thing is, if they fucking wanted a bomb, you could fucking hollow out a lot of shells right now and make yourself a ton of gunpowder bombs, or you can get... You know, bombs, if they could make a bomb later,

they could certainly make a better bomb now. Why the fuck don't they do it? Why do they go to gun scent? Well, because it's fucking easier. That's why. Right. It's fucking easier. Just give me my gun.

Sorry, the law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check. Five days? But I'm mad now. Yeah. I'd kill you if I had my gun. Yeah, well, you don't. Well, Michael Savage had some things about the UCC shooters, Ezel.

Oh, yeah. You should play Michael Savage. Michael Savage. Ranting and raving. Very simple question. Do you support or oppose Russia's airstrikes today? Now, please don't call me and tell me that they're not attacking ISIS. They're attacking Syrian rebels.

We covered that baby talk yesterday. Well, let's move the dialogue a little past what we all know is true. And by the way, at the same time, right on schedule, sorry I can't notice it, there's a shooting at an Oregon community college. Ten dead. Right on schedule. I'm sorry. I'm not generally given to conspiracy theories.

Wait, what? You are a conspiracy theorist. You're not generally given to them. You propagate them en masse. That's like his fucking bread and butter. I'm not normally a conspiracy theorist, just on days ending and why. But it seems to be a very convenient way to get Obama's abject, disastrous failures as a foreign policy moron off the headlines.

Now we're all focused on the deaths of a community college. I didn't say that it was orchestrated by the government, but I'm starting to wonder, how do these things happen so conveniently for a failure like this? Where is Obama? What fundraiser is he at? Where is he hiding?

Well, he's not at the community college. Well, I also wonder, too, how do you convince people to kill themselves for your cause? That's a tough sell. How do you do that? How do you do that? How do you get nine? I mean, you don't have to convince the people in the community college, right?

You don't have to convince them to kill themselves. They're just going to die. They're just collateral damage in Obama's mastermind plan, right? So let's just forget them. You're not convincing them. You're just killing them. And obama will call him later after he's ordered them dead right it's not a big deal he's only got to take 10 or 15 minutes out of his schedule to shake the hand of a grieving widow or mother sure big deal right and as a man with with no heart and no humanity absolutely no issue doing and the thing is is he doesn't he can even expense the flowers through

the white house oh so again not so again, not a big deal. Not a big deal. And travel out there. Air Force One. He's got fucking the beast that he gets to drive in. He's always covered around with all these people. All that stuff's paid for by the U.S. government. So, again, nothing out of Obama's pocket for him to orchestrate this whole thing.

So hardly even an inconvenience. Absolutely not. You know, he has to res reschedule one meeting on Syria. Big deal. But how do you convince the guy to kill himself? How do you convince a guy to go into a place and kill himself? That's what I never got with the fucking 9-11 stuff either. It's like how the fuck did you convince those people to kill themselves again yeah right i mean we know how we know how it makes sense if you are a uh you know an islamic

radical right sure that makes sense there's a whole mythology around it yeah but yeah not only do you have to find somebody who's willing to believe your political ideology so much that they will murder a dozen people but then they're also willing to end their own life so as to not even reap the reward of the political fallout see it makes sense for if there's a religious motivation because when you die the thing you did here gets you to the next plane of existence or whatever fucking magical thinking bullshit that you've wrapped yourself in. But to die for – to like commit murder and die for political reasons in this way – I know people obviously do this all the time. They die for political reasons all the time. I'm not pretending they don't but to do it in this very specific way where you're like the only one doing it and you won't

reap the reward and all you've done is furthered somebody's career you didn't you know you're not like defending the fucking alamo yeah what what good would that do like i believe in your career so much that i will fucking become a mass murderer and then kill myself. I don't get I mean, unless they somehow fake the guy's death or something like I mean, like all this and then like, OK, so let's say let's say that instead of the guy dying, you have to convince all the police officers who apprehend him to somehow fake his death. Right. But now you've got way too many people in the conspiracy how do you convince these police officers you know largely a conservative group of people to somehow be on your side here you know like the more people you get involved

the worse it's going to be for you in your conspiracy so the conspiracy might work if you could somehow convince people to kill themselves which is a weird i have no idea how that even works but let alone the fact that you're going to you know if that's not the case if you could somehow convince people to kill themselves, which is a weird, I have no idea how that even works, but let alone the fact that you're going to, you know, if that's not the case, if you're going to somehow orchestrate this whole thing and make it so it seems like he's dead, but you killed actual people, I don't know. I mean, there's so many different ways

that you could make this conspiracy up, and none of them work. None of them make any sense. Well, and none of them make any sense, especially as a distraction from the problems in Syriaria because problems in syria don't go away just because like we're not paying attention on a thursday it's like you're day out i'm fucking i'll pay attention on saturday again right and you know the i guess there's another group of people out there that are now talking that they did this with sandy hook and then they're doing

it now again and they keep on going back to similarly dressed people crying right yeah Rick Wiles has some fucking jib jab several members of the true news team and I were talking this morning in the office about the mysterious appearance of similar looking persons at the scenes of recent mass shootings could they be the same people could they be paid crisis actors and actresses could they be reptiles in human masks now seriously like fucking are we seriously thinking that these people are the same because i saw pictures of three people in similar poses and the similar poses tom were them holding their face crying oh god yes that's called the despair agony and grief pose yeah you know what that's a universal response to someone shooting someone

else that you love right is there a secret death squad at work in this country staging mass shootings wait are they i have a question about that yeah i have a question to a death squad yeah it's a death squad staged so how are they staging things maybe it's like improv everywhere you're like get on the train in the morning and instead of everybody wearing boxers they're just one guy with a smoking gun and a bunch of fake dead people. Right. Yeah, no, that'll make you shit your drawers in the morning. It's sort of a flash mob, but, you know, a mass murder mob.

Hey, it's going to be so fun. We're going to post it on YouTube when we're done. It's going to be awesome. World star. World star. it's gonna be awesome and at the end of it like world star at the end of it like like the shooter there's this fucking carnage everywhere and the shooter like holds up a sign will you marry me jen or somebody comes i'll be like you've been punked in order to build public support for disarming the american people of their firearms?

What else would you disarm them of? Are we living in the matrix of deception? Yes. Is it becoming increasingly difficult to discern what is real? It is for you. Rick Wiles, yes. I would say that that answer for you is definitively yes. You cannot discern what is real.

And what is fake? Are news events being manufactured for political purposes? If you want to see and hear people who regularly drink the Kool-Aid, just watch television news networks. The current Kool-Aid delusion is about Russia's military action in Syria. I've been reporting for years that Barack Obama is a Muslim jihadist. What the fuck? What? Fucking, I can't.

Something else, isn't it? These fucking guys, man. I've been reporting for years some fucking shit I made up fucking entirely out of whole cloth muslim jihadist bro he's a muslim jihadist fucking worst muslim jihadist ever he's getting his ak-47 taken away from him terrible at this he can no longer say what i'll go back to his muslim overlords and they'll be like no no more of that no more you can't watch the belly dancers tonight your machine gun into the air

enjoy it you're only going to get 61 virgins how do you like that barack obama huh you're going to be out 11 virgins and if you keep up, we'll knock it down to 50. I didn't say he has Muslim sympathies. I said Obama is a Muslim. And I said he is a dangerous Muslim who was clandestinely placed in the White House by foreign powers to dismantle the United States of America. Well, he's done a fucking shitty job of it. He's here to dismantle America?

Did you notice that we've been dismantled, Cecil? Well, we've been taking ourselves apart for many years, and then somebody lost the instruction manual. The problem is, to put us back together, you have to have that original hex key that came with it. Oh, God. Yeah. I hate that so much. And it's just that one size you don't have in your hex key ring. And then you're trying to

decipher the hieroglyphs that Ikea gave you, and you're like, that's not a thing. That guy's arm shouldn't look like that. Why is he doing that? There's like a picture of the United States and it's all broken apart and there's a fucking weird gender neutral fucking line drawing scratching his head like. He is a radical supporter of the Muslim Brotherhood.

He despises biblical Christianity. He takes advantage of every opportunity to smear Bible believing traditional Christians. And he never misses an opportunity to promote Muslims in America. I don't feel like he's talking about the same president. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT.

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or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. So this comes from the Orlando Sentinel. Florida candidate for U.S. Senate admits to sacrificing a goat drinking its blood. This candidate is the greatest candidate fucking bar none ever. This is Augustus Sol Invictus. Dude, that name is fucking fighting awesome,

which he made up. He just made that name up. Great name for a space marine, I think. He's probably Blood Legion, I bet. He's like Blood Legion. I was going to change my name, Tom, a while back to my role-playing game character, but they wouldn't let me change it

to busty sugar tits they were like sorry we won't let you do that but i wanted to so this guy is living the dream he is he you know who doesn't want to pick their name you know like this is like a max power moment you know augustus soul invictus right that is amazing his name means like whatever augustus means and then sun victory. So I love it. I think it's great. What is Augustus? Augustus probably means the month of August.

Well, but August is like. You're an ass. That's awesome. I am. That's awesome. Actually, they have the translation in here somewhere. Who changed his given name to Latin phrase Majestic Unconquered Son. So I said victorious, but Majestic Unconquered Son.

Let's stop here for a second. Dude cut open a fucking goat neck and fucking drank its blood and prayed to a wicked God. Is that any different than... And by the way, did he have to spin it over his head first? I wonder if he... No, I don't think he wanted to spin it over his head first? I wonder if he- No, I don't think he wanted to put his sins into it. That's only if you want to put your sins in the goat. Is this any different than helicoptering a chicken over your head?

Well, yes, it requires more upper body strength. You know, because- He had a totem of goats. It's pretty heavy. Nicely done. They're like kettle bells. You know what I mean? Right?

You gotta hold them by the horns and you can swing them through your legs and do swings and stuff. Wigging them around. You don't transfer your sin into it. Wimpy little dude can just grab a fucking poultry and throw it around. But it takes a fucking real man to be hugging goats around your head if you're gonna fucking especially because according to the tradition they're live goats while you're hurling it around because you kill it afterwards right well yeah i mean you can't put

your sin in a dead chicken well if you cut its neck if it's already dead it's just kind of like you're cheating at that point yeah so this guy is guy, is it any different? No. It's just – but it's sometimes when – what stories like this show you I think sometimes is that like if you take a religious tradition and all you do is add one or change one minor factor in it, everybody all of a sudden thinks it's silly. Like this is – or crazy or whatever. Sure. This is talking to Jesus through your hair dryer. Right. Instead of just talking to Jesus. You go to a Catholic mass, right, and they tell you, this is the literal blood.

Oh, yeah, yeah, your transubstantiation. Of a 2,000-year-old dead man. Yep. And that's not weird. Not at all. This dude drinks blood that's actually blood. And people are like, oh, gross. It's weird. It's not that weird. And people are like, oh, gross. It's weird.

It's not that weird. It's not cannibalistic. No. And also, you know, like fucking we eat plenty of flesh of animals all the time. Drinking their blood is not that big a fucking deal. It's not. I mean, like, why not drink? People make blood sausage.

I think that's super disgusting. You probably should be punched for doing it. But people still it you know english people oh jesus we got a message on twitter this week somebody posted there was a guy who posted like a hundred truths about traveling through england and they were all just like these shitty little platitudes i was reading the list i was like what a fucking twat this guy is i just like when you start reading it i was just like yawn it's like chicken soup for the soul in a twitter version but i was reading the list i was like what a fucking twat this guy is i just like when you start reading it i was just like yawn it's like chicken soup for the soul in a twitter version but i was like reading it and uh one of the things that the guy said was the food the food has been resoundingly amazing or something and somebody sent us a message and said see the second one and i was just thinking i was like yeah the food they can i'm not saying that the english people

don't make good food i'm just saying English food is terrible. There's a difference, right? You can have. I'm not saying that you can't go to England and eat a fucking Ramsey's fucking three star Michelin restaurant and have a fucking kick ass meal. Not saying that's not possible. I'm just saying if he prepared English food, you're going to vomit during the second course. That's all I'm saying right i'm just saying it and i'm only saying it because it's bad that's the only reason i'm saying the

reason right because it's not a food i'm not saying it to be mean i'm only saying it because it's inedible so this uh fucking unconquered son or whatever he's the chairman of the libertarian party in florida and the best part is because the whole libertarian party is just like, this man does not represent us. He's gone. This guy went out into the desert or into the Mojave desert, fasting and praying, thinking he wasn't going to survive. He gets home, he kills a goat, drinks up his blood. This is a man who clearly makes bad decisions but he gets way fucking crazier he wants to lead a civil war he's trying to recruit neo-nazis to the party okay um and then when he goes when he defends himself because he's saying look no no that's not really true it's not that i want to start a civil war what i'm saying is there's already a war being waged by the government against its people, and I just want to fight with them.

That's basically his response to it. You know, what better guy to wage a war and become emperor than Augustus Sol Invictus? I mean, if we're going to be calling someone emperor, I want to make sure he has a roman name the thing is i'm willing to accept this guy as our next emperor assuming that he defeats hannibal in uh close quarters battle he's got a i think this you have to joust on elephants and you don't even have to bring your own joust they have their tusks and you could just you just as you run past they just and i actually And I actually think most political decisions should be decided by some kind of jousting battle. But maybe not on elephants, but maybe like a la joust where you're on like a fucking ostrich or whatever. Can you imagine Donald Trump on an ostrich fucking yelling at the other guy?

See, now that's how they should run the primaries is they should put them all on ostriches and have them run around. It'd be like Final Fantasy 7 when they're doing the chocobo race. The chocobo thing. Yeah. That's what they gotta do. Seriously, every decision needs to be made. Although Trump would never ride on a black chocobo. I mean, let's be honest.

He's only on the Aryan golden chocobos. He's onyan golden chocobos but in order to get the golden chocobo you have to get the black chocobo up to that level so there's no way there's no way he would build up the blacks to get the gold he'll just have his mexican chocobos do it and then deport them he hires a mexican chocobos do it and then deport them. He hires a Mexican chocobo jockey. A chocobo jockey.

I don't know. This joke is only funny to people who played a specific video game. It's like a hyper-specific game. Everybody's going to be like, what the fuck's a chocobo? Is trusting God important? It's the only thing that gets favor from him. He doesn't respond to pain or tears or heartache. He only responds to being believed. So this story comes from the Huffington Post.

Tennessee County may ask God to spare them and smite someone else. So Tennessee. The fuck fuck for fucking real fuck dude um is taking up a resolution to basically be like hey we're cool with you if you could just not destroy our community and go ahead and totes destroy another community? Not just like not destroy any community. Right. Like we're confident you're going to destroy a community. Let me read this.

I can't believe this is real. We adopt this resolution before God that he pass us by in his coming wrath and not destroy our county as he did Sodom and Gomorrah and the neighboring city. Are you kidding me? That never happened. As the Passover lamb was a means of salvation to the ancient children of Israel, so we stand upon the safety of the Lamb of God to save us. I don't even know what that means, stand upon the safety of the Lamb of God. Yeah, whenever, see now this is something that's little known about the Bible, but whenever there was any kind of floods,

you would stand on your lambs. That's how you... You would actually strap a lamb to each foot, and then we'd use them like primitive roller skates. Think of them like that. They're like snow shoes, like desert snow shoes. I mean, it was hard to balance on them at first, but those people back then, they really didn't have a lot of time to do anything else.

And they just learned how to do it. So they had to balance on the... And that's where the expression on the lamb comes from. Oh, you're just standing on your lamb. That makes sense. That's all coming together. You learn something new every week on Cognitive Dissonance. Man, the fuck, it's a knowledge bomb.

It is. It's like we're reading wikipedia to you right now we adopt this resolution begging his favor in light of the fact that we have been forced to comply and recognize that the state of tennessee like so many other god-fearing states may have fallen prey to a lawless judiciary in legalizing what god and the bible expressly forbid that's a fucking that's a a resolution they put past do you believe that that that was written by someone in 2015 we are as if you might as well you might as well fucking mention Zeno in that. Right. As if there is some omniscient being who is so unhappy, but who can somehow be mollified.

resolution? Like, if you're a fucking vengeful, wrathful, omniscient, omnipotent being, do you think that the paperwork is what's going to slow down the anger? I mean, even if you believed in that fucking nonsense, this totally made up fairy tale story, really the paperwork is what's gonna do it like i'm destroying tennessee except for blunt county because you know i was reading through their bylaws it seems like i got this forming to us through triplicate beforehand so he's trying to strike down the county and his hand is like fucking giant hand like bounces off like an invisible dome of power i can't destroy blunt county what's happening someone sets up some plexiglass over this thing or something i can't figure it out i just i mean i can't i can't get there in 2015 that there's a such a thing that they would bother to write and not only did you say earlier that he would read the paperwork somehow, but the fact that you just can't think this and make it so.

Right. You can't, as a lawmaker, just think this. Don't you believe your God is omniscient and reads your fucking thoughts and watches you masturbate anyway? How the fuck doesn't he know that you fucking don't like gays? You made that point abundantly clear in your own brain. don't like gays like you made that point abundantly clear in your own brain it's it's it's so funny that you say that because you know it's it's all the all the time you have these natural events that these religious nuts decide are the wrath of god right but the wrath of god is always indiscriminate it's like oh it's a fucking flood that destroyed people great and small, big and little, happy and sad, believers and nonbelievers alike.

Why is God so fucking indiscriminate? Why is it not like targeted fucking lightning bolts? Or like simultaneous heart attacks of all nine judges when they fucking, you know, when the five judges voted to legalize gay marriage, if God was that mad and wanted to fucking strike them down or what have you, why didn't they all fucking simultaneously drop dead? It's never a targeted strike. It's like God is the most fucking inept sniper ever. It's like, I'm going to fucking shoot one infantry guy. Like, really? Like, that's it?

Like, not the general? He's right over there. You could literally shoot him at any moment. I'm just just gonna take out that one guy over there i'm gonna take out the cook i'm gonna shoot i'm gonna shoot bill johnson sorry bill then the supply chain guy you know the guy who takes inventory of the backpacks that's who i'm gonna snipe i'm gonna snipe that guy and then you know it's like he's like taking out like people who are just like tangentially related to the issue. You know, it's going to be the worst. And we're not gonna be around for it because it's going to be after there's a human ending event.

Right. Where there's some human ending event, whether it's a fucking meteor or it's the, you know, nuclear winter or whatever. Let's say that there is one of those things that happens. And, you know, there's a chance that there will be something like that. I mean, you can only go so long on Earth before a fucking asteroid hits it anyway, right? Sure. Yeah. Let's say there's a human ending event.

And there's enough of us that survive through oral tradition or whatever to get past that human ending event. And they're all looking back and being like, see? And that was God's judgment. Right. Because you're just going to roll the clock back. Right. To, oh, and that was God's judgment back then.

And that's why we don't like gays. You are watching the beginning and the birth of the new world order. And you want to call me crazy? Go to hell. Call me crazy all you want. So Glenn Beck is super fucking mad. Still crazy. And you know,

there's give me some pauses in this. We listened to a little bit of this earlier. He sounds like he's going to cry. He looks like he's going to cry the whole time. And he's, and he's just, it's, it's pause again.

So here we go. And here's my warning. I warn you, America. Come on, you can do it. You will be. The darkest nation to ever. Ever exist on this planet. Evil will not destroy us

it will pervert us sweet that's hot that's awesome that's so fucking hot it's gotta i gotta tell you what you got your fucking work cut out with me because i'm starting with a pretty low bar i'm just easy to excite. So it's like, whatever. Evil doesn't even have to try hard. It's like, whatever. Evil comes by and is like, what about this? Isn't this perverted? I'm just like, looks like a Wednesday evening to me.

I'm going to be like, what else you got? Just flash your midriff. Okay, I'm there. It will use the technology and the strength that we have, it will use us for dark purposes. In the end, we will beg the Lord above to destroy us. We will beg for destruction.

I don't know. You're so corrupted and you recognize you're so corrupted, I guess. I don't know. I'm using technology and my strength to be more perverted. So I kind of feel like I'm using technology and my strength to be more perverted. So I kind of feel like I'm just flex fucking on my iPhone. Like, that's it.

Like, yeah. I mean, if you're doing some Oculus Rift banging, like, why would you want God to blow you up? Like, kind of having a fun time here to stop the evil that we will bring to this earth. To stop the evil that we will bring to this earth. We will make the evil of the 20th century look like rookies. What? We will make the evil of the 21st century look like rookies? We're going to make the evil of the 20th century. We're going to make Pol Pot and Stalin and Hitler and you know all of that we're

going to make them look like rookies I think that's what he's saying I mean like okay wasn't Hitler a rookie when he started out well when when exactly do you go like into the big leagues yeah like how I guess I guess that's the confusion I have. Like is there some kind of evil dictator draft that I wasn't aware of? Like it's just – like you get your uniform and it's just fucking jackboots and it's full of like superfluous medals that you didn't have to do anything to earn. And you're just like – you're finally accepted into the evil dictator club. You're like, oh, you're not a rookie anymore. The hazing is over. I just wonder if there's like an evil rookie combine that you have to go to where like you go there and like you order people dead.

And then like you like burn a certain number of people and then you like starve another certain number of people like rookies. And then you starve another certain number of people. Like rookies. Now, let the media of the world mock me. Okay. That's pretty easy. It's not hard. For telling you that there is a statue to Lucifer that has been erected last Saturday in Detroit.

And Time Magazine says it's really not that big of a deal. It doesn't look erect at all. The dude is sitting down. First off, if it was a priest, a regular priest, he probably would be erect because there's two children next to him. Right. So, but he doesn't look erect. He's pointing at his, I mean, this is a fucking joke. It's a joke. It's a fucking joke, man. So who cares if there's a fucking spooky statue of a, and I love too, it's like it's a statue of the devil.

How the fuck do you know? How do you have any idea the devil is, no one's seen it. Like it's all fucking made up. It's not like somebody's got a fucking picture of the devil and it's like, oh, that's him. Tom, you just fucking gave me a brilliant idea. All right. We should fund a statue with a devil that looks just like Jesus. Just label it the devil?

Just label it the devil. The devil? Be like, we're going to put up a statue of Basil Pump or whatever or Behemoth or what was the one? Bahamut or whatever one I'm mispronouncing now. You can just put them up and be like, this is Bethlehem or whatever the fuck you're going to call them. Be like, okay, well, and then make it look just like the classical Jesus. With just like one horn on his head no nothing no horns no horns just like jesus exactly like anglo jesus that would be amazing because then what would glenn beck say he'd be like oh they're fucking

defiling a jesus statue right no it's the devil bro you wouldn't get it he wouldn't get it wouldn't get it but it'd be funny as shit, though. It's so funny. It's like, where was I? I'm trying to think of where the fuck I was, but I was talking to someone like, so-and-so looks just like Jesus. And I was just like, what the fucking... What does that even mean, anything? What do you mean they look just like Jesus?

I have no idea. Even if this character existed, there's no physical descriptions at all. Yeah, I mean, you look like the classical version of him, I guess. Right. It's the best you can do. You look like somebody's imagination has, you have decided that somebody's imagination about what Jebus looks like is actually like, it's not a fucking, it's not a police drawing guys okay so he had red red skin and he had two horns sticking out like this no no they weren't they were like really no there's there's a guy with jesus like how now wait now how many holes did he have his hands how many holes in

his hands because i'm thinking you're saying he had them in both hands how does that work all right there's a little more of this glenn beck let me tell you it is a big deal god will not be mocked on his own land by his own people who are covenant people wait who is he talking about his own land yeah well this is good well because isn't becca morm Oh, you're right. Beck is a Mormon, right? So this is like super duper land. Like America, if you're a Mormon, America is God's like, you know, backyard or something. That's where he keeps all the really evil black people. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers.

I want the truth. You can't handle the truth! Sister, it comes from Right Wing Watch, Jim Baker. My black underwear signals God's wrath on America. I love it. So I want to preface this. I listened to this earlier. This is clearly just a short excerpt from his show.

Has no context whatsoever. It's just him sounding crazy so i don't know what's bookended on this and they clearly edited the middle of it so we're catching sort of a middle portion of this that is you know we're missing a lot of it so i don't want to i mean yes the guy's crazy yes the guy says crazy shit all the time but this is right wing watch just finding funny shit that he said so this is all this is it has nothing to do with anything we just want to listen to it and laugh. So this is Jim Baker talking about his undies.

Think about what FDR did. That was brilliant. I don't know if you've ever watched any of the history on all of that, but it was brilliant how he did, you know, back in the day when it was just radio, they would, what, gather around the radio, the whole family. That's what I'm waiting for leaders to do. The president would say. That's right. That's what I'm waiting for leaders to do. The president would say.

That's right. That's what I'm waiting for our leaders. They need to talk to us from their hearts. What happened to the heart, America? Where is America's heart? I went to get dressed, and God, I pray about what I wear. I really do. I know I look stupid sometimes.

Yes, you do. He wears the same thing all the time. He prays about what he wears. He's going to fucking pull the fucking Johnny Cashman in black here in a second. The last time God told me to wear a color was red. Right. I remember. And what happened that day?

The stock market crashed a few days ago. That's right. Remember that? Yes. And today, God said, I want you to wear all black. Even my shoes are black. I know. My underwear is black.

Oh, my gosh. That's true. My socks are black. Okay, the kids call that TMI. Too much information. No, it is not too much information. Because when God says, get the sin out, he meant get the sin

out. That's good. Even she's just like, this is some fucking shit. What's awesome is because as soon as he's like, well, it's not because I'm breaking a dick. She's like, that's it's not because of she's like,

that's right. Immediately she changes her tune because she was initially going to be like, that's called too much information. This guy has the sense of humor of a heart attack, though. You see how he dresses? Look at him, man. She's kind of trying to bring some levity,

I think, to this conversation. This guy's doing it right, though. She's kind of trying to bring some levity, I think, to this conversation. This guy's doing it right, though. He's selling it right. How do you bring levity to people who are thinking the world's going to end tomorrow? That's true. He wants to sell these people buckets of cornmeal. He's not trying to make them laugh. Yeah, right, because he's not a hope and happiness preacher.

No, absolutely not. This is a doom and gloom preacher. This is a fucking prosperity gospel. It's prosper if you fucking eat my fucking cornmeal. Right? When you took over your enemy, you were to destroy every part of the enemy. Oh, boy.

That's true. Oh, boy. Oh, my gosh. Golly darn gee willikers. Oh, boy. That's true. Holy macaroni, guys. Totally true mackaroni guys mackaroni that's amazing what does it even mean is that like is that like uh that's like uh the uh the native american way to take over

your enemy you have to use the entire enemy even use the lamentations of their women. Wow. And I'm in a mourning because people aren't ready. Because they're not wearing black underpants. I just want to hear her agree with him one more time. That's good. When you took over your enemy, you were to destroy every part of the enemy. Oh, boy.

That's true. Oh, boy. Those people make so much money. They make so much money, man. That's because they sell groceries at inflated prices. Oh, God. Are you kidding? I'm going to start selling donuts that I pre-lick.

I'm just going to be like, buy my donuts. I took one bite out of each donut. Seriously. Wait, no. Tell me more about the donut. Get back to the donuts. Don't get me wrong. I'll buy them.

Yeah, right. I'd say no to that donut. Don't get me wrong. I'll buy them. Yeah, right. I'd say a no to that, don't I? So I want to thank our most recent patrons. We had a groundswell of support.

We're getting close to a milestone. So if you're interested, and this is something that you were on the fence about before, becoming a patron helps us get toward our milestone of patron-only content to the patrons. Four shows a year, and that would be one every quarter, so one every three months. Patron-only shows. But if you're interested, you can become a patron today. We are going to read off, though, our most recent patrons. We want to thank all of much for your generous crisis. So we haven't picked the charity yet, but a substantial amount of the money that we raise over the next couple of months will be going toward that crisis or toward that

donation cycle. So keep that in mind when you're making your Patreon contributions. So we got a message from Donna. This is awesome. She says, hi, guys. Even though I suck at math, I did some math about the 2.2% of refugees that are terrorists claim with the estimated 6.5 million refugees that would equal 130,000 terrorists or well over half of the entire ISIS military. Yeah. I like this comment. There seems to be a glory hole in that argument that

you could drive a semi through. like that too i think that's great yeah i'm thinking you know with that and then you know the 300 000 people they have to ship over to put one in every one of america's churches that's hardly anybody left to run syria that is a lot you know yeah i mean you're not even going to be able to like you know how many people do you have to make barrel bombs at that right it's exhausting so we kind of must this is funny this is from this is from aaron and aaron says that he got a guy a 16 year old kid uh on the first week uh of his time working with uh basically he's working uh with aaron he got him to listen to our podcast he's a christian kid and he got him to listen to the scathing atheist and the herd mentality anyways he has him back with him this week and the first thing he said is

i've been listening to glory hole aaron said he never felt so proud thanks for uh inflicting our podcast on a on a unknowing person yeah i love the idea of listening to the glory hole because it's just kind of a wet sucking sound you know no i actually you know you definitely get something in your ear hole for sure we got a message uh this from someone who said that uh they sent us a thing from a cartoon network that said that that reminded them of the goal of the google voice and we wanted to mention a google voice this week because we haven't done one in a long time. Tom, can you do a translation for us? Sure.

Hi, Tom and Susan. I'm still Leah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm still Leah and I'm in 80s who also happens to be transferred in during bisexual.

And I was totally on South 3rd and unfriend King's Manning's rent at the LGBT protesters in Harlan Brothers. Insulting. I thought it was just Oracle. I was laughing so hard at the gym. There's no freak out listening to that shipment of your podcast. This guy himself into a caricature, and he's like the king of them all anyways i fuck about you guys lori ho

oh that's awesome i like sometimes that will uh now the new google transcription will put in dots or like asterisks for when they think there's a swear word. Right. It's actually really hilarious. Just, I'm a big boy, Google. Can I, can I get the full transcription with all the dirty words? Can we get the adult one? Is that okay? I wonder if they'll, if they would do the same thing for words that are not, like, what's their limit of offensive words for Google to translate?

Like at what point, well, like if somebody says cock, will that? Is it the seven word dirty words you can't say on television? Right, yeah, that's what I mean. What is it? What are the words? What are the words that are asterisk words? How do you offend Google? This last week we also got a bunch of people who sent us both audio clips and emails of their experiences with Woo.

with Woo. If you have an experience with Woo in your past, something that you used to do, something that you used to like, or something that you used to believe in that is clearly now you look back on it, you go, why did I believe in that? Send us a voicemail and you can call the show if you like, but we suggest instead that you use your voice memo feature on your phone and send us that instead. You can call us or you can send an email to us and we're going to read it. We're going to do, like we said, probably, you know, maybe next week we're going to try to do a clip show where we play the clips and we also read the emails and talk about the woo that people used to believe. And Tom and I will talk about some of the woo that we possibly used to believe.

So, so yeah, so it'll be fun. Let's, let's, it'll be a good time. We'll, we'll hang out and read people's stuff so if you want to get that into us um you want to get that into us soon so uh you want to probably try to get that into us by and this this is releasing on monday so you want to probably try to get that into us by thursday we have one more story tom story this was sent by us by to christina by christina and this is something I had no idea existed. This is pretty funny.

This is from GQ. Orthodox priest suspended for making kinky cake-sitting porn tapes with his school principal. Man. So Father George Pesias was a Greek Orthodox priest in New York, right? And he's made some videos. He's having an affair with a woman who evidently was the church principal. And he made like kinky cake sitting videos, Cecil. She squashes cakes for him. I kind of wonder, you know, the cake sitting stuff. I kind of wonder myself, how do you, you know, maybe you could, the guy is getting off on it,

whatever it is, but like, how do you get the girl be like, look, you're going to get some, you know, frosting in your genitals. Is that,

I mean, is that something you're into or, you know, you're going to sit on something and it's going to squish. Yeah. That's going to somehow get you off. Kinks that you just tolerate for the other person. I think so.

You're just trying to be a good sport. It's like, all right, fine. I'll put the ball gag in my mouth. I don't want to bash on someone else's kink. You know what I mean? If you have a kink, you have a kink. But there's some kinks that I'm just like, wait, how did you even get there? There's

some where you're just like, wait, you got there some way. There was a sexual thing going on, but now it's just weird. Now you're just putting cockroaches in your mouth to blow them. And that's really weird. Because they're, you know, I feel the same way about these things all the time when you hear about them. Because I always have to think like there had to be a first time. Like there had to be a moment where you're like well what if you sat on the banana bread you know i mean like really because i don't know how you would read like if if if if

my wife was like i got if it was a reverse thing and she was like yeah you know i want you to fucking sit on a pie or whatever first of all i would be offended that we would be potentially ruining a perfectly good pie. Wasting a pie. Look, if I sit on a pie, you've ruined the pie. Yes. Look, I'll eat almost anything, but once I fucking sat on a pie, that's not an eaten pie anymore. That's a butt-flavored pie. I ate no booty pie.

I just love that this creepy old guy in this weird fucking... He's like in a weird... Like the pictures are the best. It's so funny. The pictures are the best for this because you look at it and you're like, there's this creepy old dude. With like a lazy eye too. And he's got this girl standing. There's a picture of it.

She's standing on this thing this thing on a bureau getting ready to like drop her ass in a pie and he's in like the mirror you see a picture in the mirror and he's like he's like you know in this fucking like he's like old man t-shirt right i know he's just he's just like it is it is it is white after work shirt. How do you? Like sitting there in this fucking hotel room like, sit on that pie. Come on. Put that booty on a pie.

Squash that banana bread. It's so – it's just like I said, like I would – like if Colleen was like, yeah, man, sit on a pie or whatever, I'd be like, I'm going to be a good sport. But I'm not – I couldn't keep a straight face doing it we got a message from chad and chad says i couldn't believe it when you referred to tombstone instead of the big lebowski for sam elliott i you know i didn't like the big lebowski and i admittedly i saw it years ago so i don't know that i didn't like it or if i was just like a guy who was just like oh i don't like stuff that's cool you know what i mean like because i know everybody loved it but i watched it and i just didn't get guy who was just like, oh, I don't like stuff that's cool. You know what I mean? Because I know everybody loved it. But I watched it and I just didn't get it. I was just like, I don't think it's funny.

I'm willing to rewatch that movie because I remember liking the Nihilists at the end. I thought that part was funny. But I remember just kind of feeling like I didn't get the joke. Yeah, I didn't feel like I got the joke either. But maybe I should rewatch it just to see. Also, we got this from a lot of different people. Pig Destroyer turns out, Tom, they're grindcore or grind, not death metal. That doesn't mean anything to me either.

What's so funny is I feel so old when people are like, excuse me, but that's grindcore, not death metal. And I feel like my dad when I'm trying to explain him the difference between house and techno. He's just like, no, one of of them's like and the other one's like yeah man we're just old that's just how old man that's how it is man somebody at work today they were like you know they were joking around they're like yeah you should buy us tickets to the luke bryan show or concert or whatever and i was like i don't know what that is

and then you told him to get off your lawn right after so old i was like is that a music man you know a music man not one of those not one of those guitarists is that one of those traveling minstrels okay all right back in the 15th century old man oh yeah i love it though when people like correct you on you know the pop it's not even pop because this is like this is like ultra niche culture it's not even pop which sub sub sub genre exactly but it's like and the funny thing is is like somebody mentioned napalm death they're like yeah they were the original grand card they're the worst band i've ever heard in my entire life the absolute worst they really are when i was a kid now this is when i was a kid in high school so we're talking you know a hundred years ago

there's this they they came out and they were playing and i remember my friends had all napalm death shirts and i'm like you guys are fucking posers because that's the like there's no way you listen to that and like it it's garbage i was incredulous of all the people like you don't listen to that and like it i mean the song would be like and then it'd be over and then the song i'm not shitting you tom the song is over and i'd be over. And then the song, I'm not shitting you, Tom, the song is over. And I'd be like, what the fuck did I just listen to? And everybody in the car would be like, dude, that's a great jam. I'd be like, you guys are all high.

This is the worst thing I've ever heard. And the thing is, I liked some speed metal and stuff, but when it came to that, I was like, that is just not listenable. Well, each song is sex length it sounds like yeah i used to play it when i was in the car with my girlfriend and i knew when i was done i just gotta make it through this song all right so that's a long long episode that's gonna get edited the fuck down uh we're gonna leave you like we always do, with the skeptic's creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit.

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