Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 266: Effervescent Glowage of Spiritwild Backstrap Jihadi Celebration

Episode Date: December 17, 2015

Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat.

Well, there are now. You can pre-order them. Yeah. Just saying. I mean, if you want to make us like between $7 and $9, you can pre-order a welcome mat. It's a thing. You can totally do it. Check it out.

Right now. I pre-ordered one. I'm going to put it right outside Glory. It's a thing. You can totally do it. Check it out. Right now. I pre-ordered one. I'm going to put it right outside Glory Hole Studios because my wife won't let me put it on the front door. You know why? Because we have a nice home, Cecil. That's why. The only reason it's nice is because she's here.

She's here, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'd be basically living in a cardboard box. Yeah. If that's con. Oh, cardboard. I wouldn't upgrade to cardboard.

So we have a special show this time. Very special show. It's off of one particular article, which is really not an article so much as a 30-minute video clip from the Alex Jones show where he interviews Ted Nugent. Jesus Christ. And so I listened to this garbage for 30 minutes. Dude, it's like a fucking hippopotamus interviewing a fucking space cowboy. Are you kidding me? I don't know which is which in that scenario.

Best part is that I caught it down, so I'm not going to inflict 30 minutes on people. Instead, we're only going to inflict the time that it takes for us to play the clips. Now, I have nine clips from this., you picked out the most cogent samples. Uh, actually I take that back. I thought I had nine. I only have seven. So I think I deleted two, but, uh, but we're going to start with, uh, with the beginning. Now this entire conversation ranges, it flows all over the place. So I did cut out some of the things that he said, and there was one or two things that Ted Nugent said that I was like, yeah, sure, I agree with that. But I mean,

it's like fucking basic. It's like, you know, fucking birds fly. And you're like, yeah, I'm with you, bro. Birds fly. But the rest of it is all just crazy cuckoo nonsense. I actually didn't think Ted Nugent was still a thing. Yeah, I thought he was dead, too. I just assumed. I don't know.

He has a hunting show. You didn't know this? I didn't. He has a hunting show? Yeah, he has he was dead, too. I just assumed. I don't know. He has a hunting show. You didn't know this? I didn't. He has a hunting show? Yeah, he has a hunting show. He's like one of these, and he's going to get into that. He's going to talk about how he's like a hunting hero or whatever. It's really awesome.

How can you be a hunting hero? Well, let's find out. So it's going to be later on in the show. The beginning clips, I think, are just talking about how great America is and how bad everything else is. So that's what this is. All right, here we go. You know, here it is, December 2015, and the whole world sucks. Fuck you.

The whole world sucks. All right. Setting the fucking tone. Yeah, I love it. The whole world sucks. Merry Christmas, you bag of dirty ass life. America sucks less, but we got a government and a media and academia that are trying to catch up with Indonesia. What does that even mean? I don't know.

It rhymes pretty well, though, I will admit. Wow. We're trying to catch up with Indonesia. He's a songwriter, you can tell. I think our infant mortality rate is higher because of our fucking garbage medical system. But other than that, we'm trying to catch up. That's awesome. But let me tell you, Alex, just to make sure we stay on a positive note here,

though we will delve into the horror stories that run amok, America sucks less, but during the hunting season in Texas, Alex, it don't suck at all. Absolutely. Yeah, kill an animal. Absolutely. Man, the rest of my life Is a fucking

God damn train wreck My Personal life's In a shambles I look at the When I get to Put one right through The beady little eyes

Of some defenseless animal At a hundred yards Well then My dick's as hard As when I was 18 You know what I mean boys I love it I love that that's what he's going for.

He's like, oh, well, it's fucking hunting season, so all is right with the world. Who cares how many fucking Syrian refugees died today? What do you care anymore? Oh, look at that guy. That guy got fucking beheaded. Doesn't matter during hunting season. You know what I'm saying? Here's his shit.

I'm going to create a fucking finger chopper offer for these fucking deer here. create a fucking finger chopper offer for these fucking deer here. I'm bringing you effervescent glowage of spirit wild backstrap jihadi celebration. What the fuck was that? What just happened there? You hit play, and I thought I was listening to something else. I had a stroke. I clearly did. I was like, oh, my God, I'm smelling fucking onions.

Somebody take me to the hospital. Smell it. Smell it. Oh, so? Where am I? What happened? I get it. My left arm's gone limp.

What? Backpack jihadi what now? Back, no, it's a play of backstrap. Okay, so let's do it again. I'm bringing you effervescent glowage of spirit wild backstrap jihadi celebration. What the motherfucking. Effervescent glowage of spirit wild backstrap jihadi celebration. What the motherfucking... Effervescent glow of backstrap spirit what? Spirit wild backstrap jihadi.

Those are all words. It's like he's reading his words with French words that he just played. He's pretty good at words with French words. He's a fucking jihadi. That's a good one. That's not how you're good at words with French words that he just played. He's pretty good at words of French. He's a fucking jihadi. That's a good one. That's not how you're good at words of French. It's when you do QI.

That's how you're good at words of French. Fuck you. 46 points, bitches. I celebrate the good. I celebrate the good because America still has unlimited good.

What? With no limits on the good? Well, there's limits on the bagging of the pheasants, but no limits on the good. How much good? limits on the bagging of the pheasants, but no limits on the good. How much good?

No limit. If I go down to Walmart, can I get a tag to get as much good as I want? You can get as many as you want, it turns out. Take as many as you want, buddy. We got as many goods as you like. It's the American goods. You just got to shoot the goods. You got to flush the goods from the bush.

You got to field dress the good. But it is our job. it is our sworn duty if you have a brain if you have a soul you will be more like alex jones and ted nugent and the hell raisers because our number one responsibility as we the people in this unique and unprecedented experiment in self-government unprecedented yeah yeah no no. Unique. There's no other democracies on the globe. No, that's it. This is the only one we've got. Everywhere else you look, it's just autocratic, fascist

regime. What a fucking twat waffle this guy is. We invented, after the Greeks, we invented democracy. Oh, yeah. And then, now, this is it. And we only have one, and this is it. It's only have one, and this is it. This is it. It's unprecedented.

Yeah, unprecedented. Yeah, unlike almost a lot of the other nations. Don't tell Europe. They'll be totes mad. Our job as Americans is job one. Raise hell and demand accountability. Raise hell? Raise hell.

Yeah, woo! All right, just get real mad about stuff. Guns in the air for no reason. and accountability. Raise hell. Raise hell. Yeah, woo! Ba-dee-da-dee-dee-doo. All right, just get real mad about stuff. Guns in the air for no reason. Cowboy hats, yay! Raise hell. That's your number one duty. Yeah.

It's like, here's a meaningless platitude. Go do that! Yeah. Get real mad. You're rootin', tootin', freshin', fruitin'. Sick shootin'. Remember the Alamo. Remember Concord Bridge. We didn't meet the British at Concord Bridge to serve tea, be tolerant, and see how many guns or what kind of guns they came to take.

They didn't come to take our fucking gun. What is happening? I love it. He's like, be tolerant. Like, being tolerant is a bad thing. Like, there's the demon right there, guys. Let's be. Being tolerant is a bad thing. Yeah, wait a minute.

Like, there's the demon right there, guys. Let's be, look, this America today with our democracy and our tolerance. Ugh, gross. How are you going to raise any hell when you're shooting pigs in Texas? Hey! You're tolerant. I love, I love, he just throws out, remember the Alamo. And, fucking, we lost.

Yeah. We were slaughtered down to the last man, actually. I don't understand why the Alamo is a fucking success story. It's not a success story. We lost. No, those people left Texas. That's success. That's a success. They were, when you die

and you're no longer in Texas. Yeah. When you are wiped from the mortal coil. When you shuffle off to meet the great beyond. Go! Your dying words are, fuck you, Texas.

That's it. We met him at Concord Bridge and we blew their punk-ass brains out. And I smell the beast approaching the door more and more every day, so thank you for spreading the truth. He's fucking crazy.

We blew their punk-ass brains out. Yeah, we fucking... They're holding their muskets sideways. And they were like, yeah, you know what? We really don't care about that area over there. It's kind of a shithole because you're there. Yeah, right. You know, that's so funny about the Revolutionary War.

It's like, we were not like, oh, man, we fucking outfought them at every turn. It's like, that's not really the truth of the Revolutionary War at all, as a matter of fact. At some point, they were just like, okay, we're tired of sending boats full of people over there. You can just fucking have your garbage land. Whatever. Right. This is like fucking. It was a money thing.

Yeah, it's like Canada. You're like, whatever, just keep it. You don't even notice when it's gone. Yeah. Like, Canada's one of those, you're just like, did somebody Canada? I don't...

Is that up there still? I don't know. Honey, are we Canada-ing this year? I could break off and nobody would be like, is that still up there? I don't know. Would you call a moose?

How do we know? That's so bad. You look up in the sky and you see the warning northern lights. Yeah. All right, so there's more. Clearly there's more. There's six other clips that we can play. I'm going to puke in my face.

So here's more. Here's more Ted Nugent. But again, as I shine the light on the bad and the ugly, there's still increasing good out there because more and more families, more and more hardworking moms and dads and just people that are in the asset column of America. Doesn't he sound like a fucking, like a druggie Palin? He does.

Moms and dads and the people that are in the asset column of America. Well, he's all of a sudden, he's like, he's like a great big, like a accountant for the people of America. Like, hang on, according to the general accounting principles, rules and a gap, right? He's like a great big accountant for the people of America. Like, hang on. According to the general accounting principles, rules and a gap, there's an asset column, liabilities. Hold on a minute.

Now, Jimmy is a little funny in that. Liability. All right, there we go. You raise a little hell. Great asset. That's his asset, right? Can you list your assets? I raise hell.

All right. Oh, there you go. That's your number one duty. Let's go shoot a punk-ass British guy. They now recognize the curse, the self-inflicted curse that is Barack Obama and the liberal Democrats who hate freedom, who hate the Constitution, who hate the Bill of Rights. They don't believe in self-defense. They don't believe in independence. They don't believe in independence. They don't believe in being the best that you can be.

They are intentionally on a runaway freight train to weaken America and to reward the bloodsuckers while they punish the producers. Where do you start with that? Well, here's where you start. Yeah. How often do we hear from the liberal side that Republicans hate America, that they hate freedom, that they hate America? Never. It's rare if you hear it at all. I don't hear it very often.

But you hear a lot of that on the other side. You hear that constantly. He's basically counting it as treason or traitorousness. Exactly, right? You're saying you hate America. You hate freedom. You hear that constantly. He's basically counting it as treason or traitorousness. Exactly, right? You're saying you hate America, you hate freedom, you hate liberty, you hate these things. You hate the idea of them. Like, our elected officials, somehow in charge of the

whole fucking thing are like, you know what I really hate? America. This whole thing. Why did they even put me in power? I'm just gonna fuck it up. I'm just gonna ruin it if I can. You know, I'm kind of mad that they asked me to do this you know it's like when they put you in charge of the christmas party without you knowing and you're like well i'm in charge well fucking all we're having is one cookie and we all have to share and i'm ruining christmas for everybody because i'm mad that's not how politics work you fucking twat right right it's like i'm gonna put

me in charge at great personal expense to myself and my family in order to get elected and go through that process. I do honestly think, and I mean I'm not a great defender of many politicians, but I do honestly think that most people start off getting into politics with the right ideas. Sure. You know, because to become an elected official, it's not like you're just like, well, I fill out an application at Hardee's, you know, I think I got the job. Yeah, exactly. I interviewed twice, so who knows? I'm probably going to get it. I'm probably going to get it.

Instead, you have to drag yourself and your family through this horrific vetting process, especially at higher levels, right? Which is all anybody at this fucking Nugent is all concerned about. I'm talking about fucking city council. When you're talking about higher levels, these people are fucking raked over the coals. Their families are raked over the coals.

If you're fucking on one side, you're called a fucking traitor because you don't want to strap a gun to every turtle crossing the road. It's like, it's crazy. Well, and the rhetoric behind it too, right? Here we say, and please correct me if I'm wrong. If there's liberals

out there that are saying that other people hate America, I'd like to know who they are. I'd like to know who those people are. Send me their clips of them saying someone hates America that is a politician on the other side, because I'd love to hear it. I would love to see that side. But I could find you 20 clips today of people saying from the right, saying that the left hates America. And that's because that's the rhetoric that they're told to use constantly, that they use, whether they're told to use it or not, it's the rhetoric that they've picked up. That's the one that they've decided

that they're going to hang their hat on. Because they don't have any good arguments, but instead all they have is just this rhetoric that says, well, they hate America. Well, how do you quantify that? How do I quantify the level of hate they have for America? It's nine hates. Yeah.

Yeah, it's nine hates. Okay, fair enough. I'm just letting you know. I get it. So I know I'm preaching to the choir out there. No, but I want you to elaborate. How could Europe, how could Obama openly open this up to radical Islam, let them kill us, and then Obama goes to France and Haaland goes there and says

we saved you past global government carbon taxes to show the jihadis. And Putin is exposing that Turkey's buying the ISIS oil. I mean, this is crazy. But even he can't. Even he can't. It's just I want to hear.

Let's listen to what Alex Jones says again, because I can't even follow it. So let me hear it one more time. How could Europe, how could Obama openly open this up to radical Islam, let them kill us, and then Obama goes to France and Hollande goes there and says, we saved you past global government carbon taxes to show the jihadis, and Putin is exposing that Turkey's buying the ISIS oil. I mean, this is crazy. What's going on? Okay, let's try to unpack it phrase by phrase.

Let's see if we can get there, okay? Let's try it phrase by phrase. Okay. All right. Okay, so here we go. We're going to start out with... How could Europe... Okay, how could Europe.

That's the first thing he says. So how could Europe, Tom? Ready, stop. How could Europe? How could Europe? How could you Europe? How could Europe? How dare you?

Okay, so that's number one. A modicon. And now it's how could Obama, he says. How could Obama openly open us up to radical Islam, let them kill us? Obama opens it up to radical Islam and then lets them kill us. Now, what is the it in that sentence? Opens it up to radical Islam. What is it?

It's it. It's it. It. Open America. America. Open Texas. Open it to radical Islam. Radical Islam canceled hunting season.

And it's, God damn it, what are we going to do? Open it to radical Islam and then they kill us. So that's the first thing. That's the first assertion. Is that what he's talking about? I have to, I'm guessing, right? I think he's saying that like, well, how the fuck, what did they get their fucking paper signed by Obama?

Yeah. They came in and they're like, hey, you know, we're with ISIS. Is there any way that you can kind of speed up the process? I know. Because I'd really like to shoot some Americans. Can you hook me up, bro? Come on. I know we're like terrorist fist jabbing each other, so can we do that?

And he's like, bro-ster, here you go. Let me sign your papers. You know, this signature gets me out of more trouble. Here you go. And he hands them their papers and they go over and they shoot a bunch of people. Like, wait, fucking suddenly it's his fault that, like, somebody was, like, in a terrorist cell in the United States? Well, I think they think that that answer is yes.

I think there's a certain group of fucking crazy ultra-right wing... But they don't blame George Bush? No. When the fucking four terrorist cells killed 2,100 people? Shh, shh, quiet now, quiet now, quiet now. Lord. Invade two countries. There's more than this.

Invade two countries. There's more than this. Invade two countries. There's more, though, because he adds now, he says. Now I don't know. Now, now. Because I'm with them. I'm not with them. Please don't get me wrong. You understand.

But I can understand. I'm fucking super not with them. But at least I understand that you have a train. Okay, so here's the train derailing itself. And then Obama goes to France and Hollande goes there and says. What's a Hollande? I don't know. Is that a person? Is that a person? Because it could a Hollande? I don't know. Is that a person?

Is that a person? Because it could be a person. I don't know. I don't know the name, but I think he's, is he saying Holland? I don't know. Hollande. Maybe he's talking about a sauce. It could be that there's a person named Hollande.

It's possible, albeit deeply unlikely. We saved you past global government carbon taxes. What does that mean? We saved you. Saved you from what? does that mean? We saved you from what? Wait, hold on. It's either one clause or two. We saved you comma or semicolon past global

carbon tax dot org. I don't know what he says there. You know, I don't understand at all what he's saying. He's looping so many things together. It's like I can't. We saved you.

Is he referring to, like, World War II? Like, we go to France. Well, geez, how far back are we going? I don't know what we're talking about anymore. I'm trying here. We saved you. We saved you what? Well, he's clearly not talking about Paris.

70 years ago? Yeah, every 70 years you're? Well, he's clearly talking about Paris. 70 years ago? Every 70 years, you're like, dude, you totes owe me. You know what happened? You know what happened, though? In World War II, it was like, look, look, here's the deal. Someday, I'm going to ask for a favor. Good Lord.

We had to go to Germany and put a horse head in their bed. Carbon taxes to show the jihadis, and Putin bed. Carbon taxes to show the jihadis. And Putin is exposing that. To show the jihadis. What are we showing the jihadis with relative to climate change? Yeah, it's a climate change thing. But then the Turkey's buying ISIS oil.

Well, I believe that that is at least open for dispute about whether or not Turkey is buying oil. The thing is, yeah, they're buying oil. ISIS gets all their money from oil. ISIS gets all their money from oil. ISIS gets all their money from oil, so you either not buy the oil or... Someone's buying it. Yeah, somebody's going to buy it. And the thing is, like, whoever's going to buy it, there's going to be groups who are going to buy it.

Right. But, I mean, that's... But that's... I think that's a reference back to Putin, because fucking Russia is upset because the Turkey... The plane that got shot down over Turkey... Oh, yeah, it's all the shooting downs of the... And so now they're saying, well, you're buying, you know, oil from ISIS, so now we get to

be mad at Turkey. I see. I think. I don't know. I'm trying real hard here. Let's see. Maybe maybe Ted because he asked Ted and now let's see if Ted has an answer. Is exposing that Turkey's buying the ISIS oil.

I mean this is crazy. It's I mean my brain is tested. His brain, I mean, my brain is tested. His brain is tested. Wow, I fucking think you're not passing that test. A lot of the thing, too, is like, he doesn't answer his question. He just said a bunch of crazy shit. He's like, you know, yeah.

I know, he was just like, I'm also, I think at that point, Ted was like, I'm also dumbfounded by that statement. Yeah, exactly. My brain is currently being tested. My brain is currently being tested. My brain is currently being fucking electrified. Are you kidding me? And I failed the test. What is happening? Ted Nugent is just like, that's too crazy even for Ted Nugent.

Yeah, exactly. You've out-crazed Ted Nugent. Way to go, buddy. You never go full Alex Jones. Way to go, buddy. You never go full Alex Jones. I believe that the reason America is stupid, apathetic, uncaring, slovenly, and allowed Barack Obama to become president,

allowed Lois Lerner not to be shackled and imprisoned, allowed Nancy Pelosi to tell the people she works for that we don't need to read the document. We need to sign it to find out what's in it. And I could go on and on with a thousand examples that would make you throw up. But ultimately, it's because we didn't play Old Yeller in our school

system. Wait. Wait. Where am I? What happened here? If you're going to play Old Yeller? This is my favorite one. I forgot about favorite one. This is my favorite one. I forgot about this one. This was my favorite one. Oh, I love this one so much.

We didn't play Old Yeller. Oh, we didn't play Old Yeller. And that's why Nancy Pelosi is bad. Wait, America's lazy and slovenly and stupid and apathetic. Because we didn't make a bunch of kids feel sad about a dog. Oh, God. It gets so much better. It gets so much better.

Well, how amazing would America be if we all watched Where the Red Fern Grows? You know, like, we'd be fucking 13 feet tall. Oh, gosh. Jesus, what about if we fucking all had to read like, read Tuesdays with Maury, you know? Do we have to just do nothing but read sad books? Oh, my God. Back when it was produced, from kindergarten to twelfth grade, there

should have been an old Yeller Day, then there should have been a Patriot Movie Day, then there should have been a Brave Heart Movie Day, then, of course, there should have been a Dirty Harry Day. I love the movies! I been a Dirty Harry day. I love the movies. I love the Dirty Harry day, right? You know what we're going to do is we're going to show a cop who takes the law into his own hands.

Well, no, the cops are supposed to just sort of pay attention to the laws and really follow them pretty strictly. That's kind of what we hope. Braveheart day. Braveheart day is awesome. Why would I watch Braveheart day? You should have a Lord of the Rings Day and my axe. I know, right? You broke your axe.

I don't need it. I like the Patriot movie. He doesn't even pay. Is he talking? No, maybe he's talking about the Patriot with Mel Gibson. Oh, shit. So maybe he's talking about the Patriot movie. But he doesn't say the definite article.

He just says Patriot movie. Right. So maybe it's like choose your own patriotic movie. Yeah. So I could choose Charlie Brown Christmas. I don't know. What is a patriotic movie? Red Dawn?

I'd be like, what do I get to pick? Wolverine! Because we haven't taught self-sufficiency, the instinct. Because we haven't taught self-sufficiency. The instinct. Because we haven't taught self-sufficiency. Somebody hit Ted. I think he's skipping. To self-preservation and self-defense with the utility of the Second Amendment. That is why we are in the, I wish I could use the word cluster. It's a military term, but I'll give you the first two syllables, cluster.

There is a cluster whack in existence today. Cluster whack. You can use a different fucking term other than saying cluster fuck. It's not like it's a cluster fuck is a military term. You know what? I would go cluster bomb as a military term. And here's the bottom line. If we would have been taught old yeller,

I don't care why he's foaming at the mouth. I don't care how he got rabies. You should care a lot. What if he just ate a soap? Wait a minute. It matters a lot. I don't care why he's foaming at the mouth. The heart of the story is that he's foaming at the mouth because he has rabies.

If he didn't have rabies, if he just had foamy face, you wouldn't have to go out back and kill your fucking yellow buddy. You should care a whole lot. My dog's foaming at the mouth. I wouldn't be like, we've got to shoot him immediately. Maybe let's find out if that's bad first. When you have guns, you don't care about the outcome. You just immediately start shooting things.

Anything foamy gets shot. Loofahs. Boom. Shaving cream. Boom. Everything. Maybe a gastrique of some sort at a very high-end restaurant. The chefs back there whisking furiously.

Boom. A meringue. He's shooting all these different things. Never home-make marshmallows. He's rabid. Get rid of the damn dog. When Old Yellow brings the slippers, give him a biscuit. When he foams at the mouth, you shoot him between the eyes.

Any questions? Wow. Way to make my kid cry, you douchebag. Jeez. Don't love stuff. Fuck you. Ha ha. I love the fact that he's like, you know what will fix America?

Four movies. Four movies will fix America. All you have to do is show these four movies in the United States! Totally fixed! Everything's fixed! All you have to do is indoctrinate our children every year to spend four single days watching two-hour movies! The rest of America is totally fixed! Wait, if I can- I can fix this problem in eight hours!

Oh, God. I got this. That's so awesome. Why not just show them fucking four? Why not just buy a television station and show four of those on fucking repeat so you could fix America fucking prophylactically, you douchebag? What were the other movies we were supposed to watch? We were supposed to watch Braveheart.

Braveheart. A Braveheart Day. There's a Braveheart Day. There's an Old Yeller Day. There's a Patriot Movie Day, which could be the Patriot with Mel Gibson or not, and a Dirty Harry Day. I do my best Harry Reid impersonation. Please. All right.

My name is Ted Nugent, and this is just an impersonation on the Alex Jones radio show. But we actually have an elected official that sounds like this. Well, you know, if it was, then you could be. I don't do it. I don't do it. This man is nine years old. Now he's just making fun of people's voices. That's fine. That's Arshtick. It's totally fine.

He can. I just think it's hilarious. I think it's great. This is Arshtick. I feel like he owes us money for this. Yeah, I think there's a royalty you have to send to us, Ted. Are some strange subhuman freak. They can't even talk.

This is obviously subhuman freaks vote for. You just hit on my problem. You just hit on my problem, Ted Nugent. Ted, to interrupt, you just hit it. How could we be ruled by such gibbering weirdos? That's what gets to me. These people are pathetic known criminals. Everything here is gold.

This is amazing. Is this amazing? It's like the entire 30 minutes is this. How do you even cut? Holy shit. Oh, it's so good. Gibbering weirdos. Gibbering weirdos.

I like that he says, Ted Nugent says, yeah, he's a nasty little subhuman that nasty little subhumans vote for. He basically just called every liberal, every, you know, and that's the thing, right? It's like, it's not, it's not, and this is what we were talking about earlier. It's the idea that you hate America, like you're a nasty human, you're an awful person, et cetera, et cetera. No, you just have different ideas on how the country should run. You know, if somebody thinks, if somebody agrees with concealed carry, I don't think they're an awful person, etc. No, you just have different ideas on how the country should run. If somebody agrees with Concealed Carry, I don't think they're an awful person. I don't think that they hate America.

I don't think they hate other people. I don't think they devalue human life. I think they have different ideas than I do. I think their ideas are wrong in my opinion. But I'm not going to be like, your ideas are stupid. They make you an awful human. You're like a mouth of hell.

What does that do for anybody? Well, to be fair, though, in the last episode, I did call that woman from Nevada a horrible, like, despicable monster of a person. But you meant it, though. I did blast her as hard as I think I could. There's a difference, though, I think, between saying that she would shoot a civilian for no reason just because they lost their home. Right. Oh, for sure. I think she tried to qualify it by saying, oh, what I meant was a Syrian terrorist, et cetera. But she fucking said Syrian refugee.

And then she said terrorist as a separate line item. Exactly. Right. So the fact is, is like when somebody like a fucking is Dahmer a fucking nasty fucking subhuman? Is John Wayne Gacy a nasty? Yeah, they're fucking nasty subhumans. They're not fucking real people. They're awful fucking terrible humans that did terrible things.

If you think that shooting an innocent person in the face is a good idea because you fucking you just I don't even know why. That's not a whole category of people just because they have a different political leaning, right? Yeah. That's somebody advocating violence because you people just because they have a different political leaning, right? Yeah. That's somebody advocating violence because you're just a fucking xenophobe. Because you're awful. Because you're an awful person. That's someone who's advocating violence. I fucking think that that's a terrible human being.

But I think that's very different than saying all Republicans are fucking nasty subhumans. Right. Sure. Because only most of them are. The white ones. Oh, am I kidding? They're all white. I mean, Obama has been caught trying to set up a caliphate.

It's true. Did I miss that? It's amazing. That's amazing. He was caught. He was caught. He was caught. It's like his wife walked in the room while he had his caliphate on the computer. I know.

I'm checking email. Leave me alone. I'm busy. I got a thing. Hold on. I'm doing some work in here right now. That doesn't need you in here. Go away or come back in. I don't know. It doesn't need you! Go away!

Or come back in. I don't know. It depends. Do you mind if I watch? Have you had any wine? He does want to overthrow this country, and I just wonder... How? Overthrow the... He's the leader of the country!

That's a place! What is he overthrowing? Himself? What is that? How does that even work? I'm going to overthrow my house. It'd be like if you're living in your house, you're like, honey, I'm overthrowing the house. You'd be like,

fucking well, tell me when you're done because dinner's in an hour. You know, like, I don't... Wait, what are you talking about? Well, what you have to do is you have to move all your stuff outside and then move it back in. I don't know what that would mean. Like, I move the couch sideways. You're a radical pro. What are we going to do? What is our

establishment thinking? I mean, I know they're not radical pro. Oh, yeah. What are we going to do? What is our establishment thinking? I mean, I know they're not perfect, but they really want to put bags on our women's heads? Who wants that? Nobody. I guess the crazy. I think he's talking about, like, you know, somehow Obama wants a caliphate, which is fucking not true at all. Everybody thinks he's a Muslim still. It's fucking seven years into his presidency.

He hasn't declared Sharia law yet, guys. So he's constantly bombing people in the Middle East that are Muslim with drones. Very true. Somebody right. Wait, listen to that. You hear that? That is a family being bombed by a drone right now. That is the cries of their anguished children.

It is happening 100% of the time. He's like the worst Muslim ever. He doesn't go to mosque. He doesn't fucking, he's never been hurt. He kills all of his people. He's constantly bombing Muslims. Somebody's like, oh, he's a fucking Muslim. Well, okay, fine.

Then he's a birthday cake. You know what I mean? Like? I mean, like, are you a Muslim? Well, okay, fine. Then he's a birthday cake. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, who cares? Well, you know, I hear hope coming from Ted Cruz and hope coming from Donald Trump. And I occasionally hear hope from Marco Rubio and Carly Fiorina. I think there's some great people. I don't think they're the Michael the Archangel quite yet.

I think Ted Cruz would make the best president we may have ever had. The best president we have ever had is Ted Cruz? Way better than Lincoln. I'm not endorsing anyone, but I'm... He's frighteningly intelligent. No, I've never experienced that listening to anything he's said. In fact, he seems like a blubbering idiot. Ted Cruz, that would be like saying Ben Carson is frighteningly intelligent.

Ben Carson in certain areas is frighteningly intelligent. In real life, he has no idea what he's talking about. He's a gibbering idiot. He has no idea what he's talking about. Yes, and he's constitutional. He's not a Ted Cruz guy. He's a U.S. constitutional servant, which is what elected employees are supposed to be. In fact, they've taken an oath of bow to the U.S. Constitution. They wipe their ass with it every three minutes, except some of my Republican friends. I don't you know, I don't even I can't

even think of any Democrats that really look like Americans nowadays. You see, do you see how they keep doing that over and over? Where it's just like, they don't even look like Americans. Well, what do they look like? Well, they look like Syrians. Yeah. Yeah. That's why we have to shoot them in the face or whatever that fucking woman from Nevada said. Put a fucking bullet in their ocular cavity. I'm absolutely appalled that anybody would put a D after their name. Well, that's it. That's it. I mean, the Democrat leadership and their constituents now, more and more,

literally hate America. It's like, we could write this. This is terrific. You could write this easily. It's so easy. All you gotta do is just say. You could write this easily. It's so easy. All you got to do is just say everyone hates America or is un-American or hates liberty, hates any of the buzzwords that go along with America. Hates fucking eagles. They fucking punched an eagle in the face on the way in.

You know what? Democrats won't even eat a pumpkin pie, those motherfuckers. Those motherfuckers hate Thanksgiving and pilgrims. Jesus Christ. You know what? I bet they're not even having Christmas right now. I bet they're having Ramadan or whatever they eat. Whatever they eat. Those Ramadans.

Those are delicious. Those are Ramadan noodles or whatever they do. Take my hand in that big bag of Ramadans. I love the cheese Ramadans. They're delicious. And have a death score to settle and want to mount our head on the wall like a trophy when this country and our forebears. First off, there would need to be a very reinforced wall to put your fucking giant Alex Jones face on it.

I mean, same with mine. It's not that I'm calling him out for having a fat face, but he has a giant fat face. I'm just saying, like, you could explore his jowls for weeks. It's like that fucking thing they flew their fucking, their plane into, their X-wing into in Star Wars. There's fucking Minox

in there in their shoe. Gave these spoiled-ass bitches everything they've got. Yeah, I'm going to put it in the most heartbreaking words that are available to us, Alex. And I want everybody to listen closely.

I'm running for president. Oh, God! Oh! That would be the most heartbreaking thing. That would be amazing. to us, Alex, and I want everybody to listen closely. I'm running for president. That would be the most heartbreaking thing. That would be amazing. I know I'm just a guitar player, but I'm a father and a husband. I'm an asset to my neighborhood, to my fellow Americans, to my fellow human beings. I'm an asset to the environment. And we could get in detail that in another show. But for some reason, I am contacted every day of my life by heroes of the U.S. military. When they're about to retire or when a flag-draped coffin comes home and the family contacts me. So that's where my energy and that's where my perseverance and that's where my indefatigable patriotism comes from. God damn, he loves himself.

Holy shit. patriotism comes from. God damn he loves himself. Holy shit. And you know, I've got calves the size of cantaloupes from running around America all the time. Traping coffins and flags and wrapping myself

in the American flag and hugging every soldier I come across and jerking them off if they want it, only if they want it. I don't push that on anybody, but I do give them handies if they want it. Because they're heroes. They anybody, but I do give them handies if they want it. Because they're heroes. They're American heroes, and they deserve to ejaculate on my face. That's what I say to American heroes.

So if you're an American hero, you just come right around to this glory hole, and I will jerk you off if you want. Now, that's only if you want it, boys. I'll wrap your dick in eagle feathers. I'll make a little headdress for it. I'll do puppetry. Whatever you want. Look, that's what I'll do. If you ever been overseas, carrying a gun, shooting Democrats, whatever it takes.

Whatever it takes. I'll shoot. Here's the thing, boys. While I'm giving you Handy, if you could shoot one of those Democrats, I'd be really appreciative. You don't have to do it if you don't want to, but I'd like it if you'd shoot them. Can you shoot them for me? I mean, shoot them all. That's what I'm saying is shoot them all.

I'm not saying you're not American if you don't do it, but you're un-American if you're not doing it. And you know what these U.S. Marines and these Army heroes and these Navy and these Air Force, you know what they're telling me, Alex? What about the Coast Guard? Big slam on the Coast Guard. Fuck the Coast Guard. The National Guard. Jesus.

What about the Coast Guard? Big slam on the Coast Guard. Fuck the Coast Guard. The National Guard. Jesus. That they're retiring because they're not allowed to be Marines anymore. Well, the Navy people are telling you they're retiring because they can't be Marines. They couldn't be Marines in the first place.

Although, technically, the Marines are part of the Navy, right? Yeah, I guess I should have said Air Force there, whatever. Way to fuck it up. Now we're going to get like 100 emails from fucking Marines, and they're the ones that are going to beat us up so many times. This is that masturbatory. It's not masturbatory. It's basically hand jobs for anybody. It's hand jobs for soldiers, right? Because soldiers are protecting our freedom every day.

Every day. They're out there. our freedom every day. Every day. And they're out there. Look, you know as well as I do that if we were not constantly bristling with soldiers, that somebody would invade America. Now, I'm not sure who or how or when, but somebody would invade and take over America. And then America would become, I don't know, Korea or China.

I don't know. I'm not sure how. Whoever it was. It could happen at any moment. Yeah. It's just like risk. That's what it's like. Depending on how you roll your dice.

Right. You know, if we just get rid of all of our little ones. Then we're the little one numbers. Little guys. Then you're fucked. You need all the ones. I get these texts and emails through my office all the time from people from everywhere around the world.

From Japan and Australia and England and Ireland and Belgium and France and Spain. Because the rock and rollers love the attitude. They love stranglehold. Well, your music's as good as it gets, too. Well, I mean, let's not bend over backwards. Jesus. This is the same guy who wrote Cat Scratch Fever. I don't know if we're going to say he's a fucking—

He's certainly no fucking Mozart, that's for sure. As good as it gets. That's actually the pinnacle of human musical achievement. In fact, we canceled music after Ted Nugent. We just said, you know what? That's it. It's as good as it gets. It doesn't get better.

Music is canceled. Burn all the music. We canceled fucking, you know what? When you turn on Spotify, you know what it is? Just Ted Nugent, 100% of the time. Every channel is Ted Nugent. XM Radio, flip it over. 2,000 choices. They're all Ted Nugent, 100% of the time. Every channel is Ted Nugent. XM Radio, flip it over, 2,000 choices.

They're all Ted Nugent. And his favorite channel is the Wang Dang Sweet Pooh Tang channel. That's a good one, right? That's a song of his, by the way. The greatest musician of all time, Ted Nugent, wrote a song called Wang Dang Sweet Pooh Tang. The man's a poet. The man knows what he's doing. They know that only a guy that kills his own food with sharp sticks and defies punk-ass peer pressure can write a song like Stranglehold.

And deep down in their sheep-like European butts, they know that there's a warrior somewhere. You're a warrior because you could stab an animal? What is happening? What is happening? You know, that fucking guy doesn't catch an animal. What is it? He says he's never caught an animal in his entire fucking life. A dog did it.

Right? Like all these guys who go out, because you and I were going to go pig hunting. I still want to go pig hunting. You and I were going to go pig hunting, and I looked at a bunch of different options. Some of the options are fucking insane. It's like you can go pig hunting with a sword. And I'm like, well, I had to click on the video. Click on the video. The dog hunts's like you can go pig hunting with a sword. And I'm like, well, I had to click on the video. Click on the video. The dog

hunts the pig, finds the pig, catches the pig, holds the pig down. All you do is stab the pig. Am I a fucking hero? Did my fucking dick get three inches bigger? I got a fucking four inch dick now because I fucking stuck a pig with a sword? It's outrageous.

I have no problem putting him in a ring with a pig with a sword. Right. Go for it, bro. Good luck. There you go, buddy. This guy, I'd put this guy in a ring with a fucking big buck deer that's all fucking angry. Like the one that gets all mad when the guy shoots the piss on himself, and then the deer's all mad. It's awesome that he walks right up to him, too.

He's like, oh, he fucking scared me. The deer's right here. Oh, that deer beats the fuck out of that guy. He fucking beats that dude like fucking Ronda Rousey's John. It's awesome, man. But they're not allowed to be warriors. So they love my music. And you know what they express to me thousands of times every day on Facebook?

I get comments from Belgium and all across the European landscape. Ted, we look to America as the last place for individuality. No Belgian has ever said that in the entire fucking history of Belgium. Never, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, ever, never has that happened. Ever, never has that happened. Nobody says that. Some troll from somewhere else might have liked your Facebook page and said, hey, I'm from fucking, hey, man, I'm from fucking England, and I think you're amazing. Right. But I highly doubt there's many people in England that are like, Ted Nugent's amazing.

At first they're like, who? Ted the what? And then they fucking navigate over to this fucking guy. They're like, oh, that's all the worst parts of America. Man, this is a wang-bang-boo-tang song. Such balls. I'm out of here. This guy, I'm surprised he can actually give this fucking soliloquy with his own fucking dick in his mouth like this. I've never seen or heard a man blow himself so fucking hard.

He's good at it, too. It's like he's got a muscle loose in his back or something. For being the best that you can be for freedom, for the American dream that only existed with a constitution, a bill of rights. American dream. Again, right? You're talking about the American dream. Liberty bells. And we're the only ones in the fucking universe with freedom.

We fucking invented freedom. Yeah, if you go to Australia, then, you know, koalas rule. I don't know. There's no freedom. We fucking invented freedom. Yeah, if you go to Australia, then, you know, koalas rule. There's no freedom. You just walk around like, I hate stupid Australia, no freedom here. It's a marsupialarchy. That's it.

It's just fucking brown snakes and fucking spiders everywhere. I hate it. Funnel webarchy. And Ted, you're throwing it away. They know I fight, but overall, we are throwing it away in the name of more

sick days and more welfare. Switzerland and America are the last countries to fall, and Switzerland is falling to tyranny as well. We are falling. And what comes if we fully fall? What will they do to us, Ted Nugent? Well, they're going to have to trample the weak and hurdle the dead to get to me.

I just got a new 300 blackout. What? It's a barrel for a gun, a 300 blackout. I guess it's like a type of thing you put on an M4 carbine or something like that. How did you know that? Did you look it up? I looked it up because I have no idea what he's talking about. When he's like, I got a 300 black, he's basically saying, you know, out of my cold dead hands, he's like,

I'll protect my whatever it is. Yeah, that's great. You can have whatever fucking, whatever small arms you want. The moment somebody has like a fucking, like a whole group of people that are highly trained, way more trained than you'll ever be, Ted, and they come in and they want to take whatever you have. They just get it.

They're just going to get it. That's how it works. I don't care how many guns you have. Unless your fucking place is wired to explode, you lose. You know, it's so funny, too, that you say that because it's like you hear these idiots and they all have this sort of like mano a mano sort of idea. And it's like, no, that's not how the police work or the military work. Nobody's like, well, just send in one cop. Yeah. And it's like, no, that's not how the police work or the military work. Nobody's like, well,

just send in one cop. Yeah. And oh, fuck, shit, he got him. Send in another one then. Oh, shit, he got him. Send in another one. This isn't civilization where you keep sending, like, one troop. Yeah. Oh, fuck, kill a troop. Oh, goddammit, I better send an archer. Yeah, right. You know, like, it's always, like, fucking 14

dudes of flashbang grenades and battering rams and fucking autom- They win 100% of those battles. Never. Have you ever fucking turned on the news, police lost today, trying to storm this crack house. Crack house one, police zero. That's never, ever going to happen. Not any times ever in the history of all time will that ever fucking happen.

They want your shit, they just take your shit. Alright, there's one last clip. It's going to be awesome. I would eliminate welfare because all it is is a carrot to dopes who want free stuff and enjoy... The system's scared of American man.

They're afraid of John wayne he's only dead he's not scary at all i would be admittedly if i saw john wayne today and he was animated i would be afraid yeah terrified yeah i love that they they attack welfare though right they attack this welfare idea they attack you know this is also probably you know and i'm going to conflate some things because this is sort of like what the the their side sort of brings up all the time is the minimum wage thing too. They're like no minimum wage, no minimum wage. And on the one hand, they're saying no welfare. These people don't know the value of real work, right?

That's one of their major things. They don't understand the value of real work and earn a dollar. They just don't understand what that is. So that's on the one hand. And on the other hand, they're like, well, no, we don't want to raise the minimum wage. We don't want to raise up this minimum wage to make sure that they have a living wage. We want to make sure that we give them the money that we think that we owe them, right? The money that we think that they earned, et cetera. So they keep them below what we think is a living wage, right? We don't want to raise the minimum wage. So we give

them money that keeps them well below the poverty line. Sure, garbage money. Garbage money. Garbage money. So we want them to have pride in their work. Yes. But we won't give them a wage that gives them pride in their work.

Right. It's like, you know, they didn't think much about the job if they're not willing to pay for it. Why should I think much about the job if I'm supposed to work it? Like, that's the thing that they don't understand. They want both things. You can't have both things, right?

Either you pay the people the wages that they can live on so that they can actually have substance, so they can have pride in the work that they do. Or you have a welfare system that can take up the slack, which is what it's currently doing. Right. Because we were not willing to employ people for a wage that can fucking sustain them. You're basically saying, like, here's a shitty job. It's irrelevant, and so are you. But you should be fucking grateful for it.

You're going to still starve. You're still going to need fucking welfare. I'll look down on you for that. I'll look down on you for your job. I'll look down on you for not making more. But why don't you have pride? You don't seem proud. You don't seem like you're...

It's like, fuck off, man. How many times are you going to fucking knock me in the head with this fucking nonsense? And those, I mean, to be frank, in some communities, even minimum wage jobs are impossible or difficult to come by. And I hear all the time, like, oh, those jobs are meant for kids. Those jobs aren't meant for full-time employment. Those jobs aren't meant...

It's like, well, fucking, if I grew up... You know, let's use the west side of Chicago again as an example. Like, if I grew up on the west side of Chicago, there's fucking not even that. There's not even those jobs around. You look out there for modern John Wayne, it's Ted Nugent. Well, and again, thank you for that, but I'm a simple guy. I live within my means. Your means. What is Ted Nugent's means? I live within my means. I don't spend more than a million dollars a year, no matter what.

Dude has a net worth of $20 million. What the fuck is your goddamn fucking means? I'm a simple guy. Give me a break. I don't buy more than a couple of Bentleys a year. What an asshole. Hold on. But you're me a break. I don't buy more than a couple of Bentleys a year. What an asshole. Hold on.

I save for a race day. But you're not a slave. And I would kill my slave driver. I wanted to be a Jew in Nuremberg in 1938 while the brown shirts were hurting people on the trains. I'd have figured out a way to get that brown shirt Nazi punk ass Luger away from me. I'd have shoved it up his ass and I'd have touched off a clip and I would have got the magazine. He has to correct himself from saying clip and magazine because all his fucking gun nut people will be like, oh, you said clip and what's really not with magazine?

I don't know the difference. I had someone try to explain it to me and I still don't get the difference. I think one's just like common vernacular, and one is best effort. I don't care. But in any case, listen to the way he talks. I wish I was a Jew back then so I could kill some Nazis who were oppressing other people. And, you know, isn't this just victim blaming? Isn't that what we're doing?

We're basically saying, you know what? None of you fucking Jews had any balls back then. If you'd have had a Ted Nugent with you, your balls wouldn't even fit into that train car. When they threw you in the oven, they'd have to scrape the brass out. They wouldn't harvest the gold from your teeth. They'd harvest the brass from your balls. This guy's amazing. And I would have got all the other Jews to raise hell.

No, I'm not knocking people who fell for it. Fell for it. Fell for it. Like, whoopsie. Hitler's like, hey, guys, want to come to a party? Surprise! We are going to start off this party game. It's called Dig Your Own Grave.

Oh, we have a guest coming. His name is Cyclone D. Oh, God. Give me a break. What a terrible fucking... They fell for it! Oh, hey! Look at that.

The garbles, they fell for it! Can you believe it? It's amazing. Also, my Nazi suddenly sounds... I don't even know what. It's fine. It's like Italian, I guess. That's great. I don't know, like my Nazi turned into Italian. It's like Mussol amazing. Also, my Nazi suddenly sounds, I don't even know what. It's fine. It's like Italian, I guess. I don't know.

My Nazi turned into Italian. It sounds like Mussolini. Yeah, whatever. Fucking Mussolini. Forget about it, huh? But I'm telling you, don't fall for it. Learn from history. Don't get on the train.

Yeah, unless they shoot you in the back right there. Right. Which they did a lot. When somebody's like, I ain't getting on the train. Okay, I'm dead. And then all the rest of them are like, I'll get on the train because maybe I'll live 30 more minutes. The train sounds good, as it turns out. Like, oh, are you just going to shoot my kid?

Or are you going to shoot my wife? And it's not like there wasn't any resistant movements. There was so much resistance. Are you kidding me? Right. Don't be ridiculous. I know. You know, it's like, here's fucking, Ted Nugent would have fucking prevented World War II if he was back then.

Sure, he would have. If he could get Stewie's time machine from fucking Family Guy, Ted Nugent would go back in time and stop everything. You know what I would have done? I would have parachuted. I don't know how or from where, but I would have parachuted right onto Hitler's back and I'd have shot him right in the fucking face. That's what I would have done. You know what this sounds

like? It sounds like when you get into a conversation with a role-playing game guy and he tells you what his character did. Like, you know, one time I had a sword, a plus vorpal sword and I fought a dragon and the red dragon bring the fire But I had a shield of mystical power Behind it and then I and then I pull my sword out and I want to find that one scale that was just a little loose And I stuck the sword right in there and the dragon died and got all his treasure He's like who fucking who cares?

Nobody cares. I don't care about your fantasies, you fucking nerd. Ted Nugent is just a bigger nerd because he's not fantasizing about a fucking makeup world. He's fantasizing about a real thing that happened to real people where they really fucking die. And he's like, oh, I would have done better than them fucking stupid fuckers that are dead. Ha, ha, ha.

Stupid fuckers that are dead. So here's our Baker bumpers. We're going to play these things as we work our way through this. First one is from Chris. Welcome to this special edition of the Jim Baker show. I believe God is going to judge this nation with three instruments of destruction. Insect repellent. Disinfectant and cricky. I've seen him in different

places. That's pretty good. That was good. I like that one. Alright, this one is from Elvis. Crazy Jim Baker's limited time offer. Six months supply pancakes, syrup, pudding, rice, soup, sauces, dry milk, chips and more. 20-year shelf life. $575 value for only $300 now at Crazy Jim Bakers.

His prices are insane. I like that. That was good. Elvis as usual. Great job. That's funny. All right. So this one is called Beast of the Apocalypse Repellent Spray.

I'm going to break the rule. The rule was 30 seconds. This one is much longer than 30 seconds, but it's funny. It is funny. So we're going to play it. This one is from Marcus. Hello. Are you looking to get out of the bunker for the day?

Maybe enjoy a carefree stroll through the ash yards for a refreshing afternoon of soot tasting? Enjoy a carefree stroll through the ash yards for a refreshing afternoon of soot tasting. But fear your face may be eaten by those pesky frown-wearing, man-faced, woman-haired, lion-toothed, scorpion-tailed, horse-toothed, noisery locusts with breastplates like breastplates of iron. But fear no more. From the maker of Rubble Opleps' favorite footwear, Soot Prince, comes Jim Baker's new line of Beasts of the Apocalypse repellent sprays. Spare your friends and family the inconvenient nights of torment, tossing and turning, wishing for death, but only we'll find it.

Our product is not just piss in a bottle. We extract only from the purest of unicorn sweat. And remember, the ash is always brown on the other side of the glory hole. That's great. I love all the animal stuff.

That is great. Especially the goats. It's good shit. All right, so here's Henry's submission. Barker. I don't get it. I think he mispronounced Baker. All right, so here's a couple.

Here's another one. This one is from Dana. Or Dana. Dana. I'll say Dana. Coming. You said gay. San Francisco.

Coming. It's coming. God showed me last night. Man has never seen it before. Lori was with me. I see. It's coming. God showed me last night. Man has never seen it before. Lori was with me. I see like a snake coming and I made my peace. I almost felt I was dying. Never, ever have I had experience like that. Oh, that was good. Very good. Thank you, Dana. That's great. So, uh, soous Person wound up sending one in, and he sent one in that was edited from where Jim Baker says he created

prosperity gospel. So we're going to play that now. I helped start the prosperity movement because the love of money is the root of all, all evil. And believe me, it's true. That's amazing. It's amazing that he said that. I know it's edited into there, but

the funny thing is if you listen to the whole clip, he does get there. He gets there eventually. It takes him a while and he's sort of hedging a little, but he does eventually get there. This one is from Alexander. I laughed out loud when I heard this one because the music fits so good.

There's supernatural things happening. There's a supernatural spirit. There's supernatural in the United States of America. And yet we're moving into the greatest supernatural hour the world has ever known. We're moving into the Revelation moment. We're in the Revelation moment. This is something strange.

That's well done. Very funny, Alexander. Nicely done. Nicely timed, Jim. Nicely done. This one's good, too. This one's from Galen. You won't need your money after the rapture,

so send it all to us today. We'll get you geared up with a kick-ass survival kit. Will it protect you from the demons, fire-breathing Jews, or locusts with helmets? No. But it'll give you enough tubs of cornmeal slop and cans of floor-sweeping soup to last you at least six months. After that, you're screwed,

but we'll already have your money, so fuck you. Outstanding. Outstanding. It's going to be hard to pick. It is going to be hard to pick. We may have to select several and do a random one out of there. This one is from Tucker. Tucker sent one in. In a world ruled by evil aliens, one man knows their weakness.

Correct him. And only one man has the stamina to stop them. Oh, my God. Jim Baker and his cock of steel. Oh, good. Jim Baker is the thrustinator. Oh, my God. In Alien Ass Pirates.

Okay, I'd watch that. So this next one is from Carl. Okay, I'd watch that. So this next one is from Carl. Judge Potter sentenced Baker to 45 years in jail for the violations that he committed against over 120,000 individuals. There is no money missing at PTL. This was a hoax perpetrated by Jerry Thorell. We could look back and say yesterday was the last day to order and get prepared. This offer comes with 22 buckets plus a bonus of six additional buckets.

All this food is for a gift of $2,500. That's amazing. That's a great one because it hammers all of it home. This one is from Brian, and Brian is part. Tom, you've got to try to say his name, though, his last name. Yeah, so this is Brian Zeppelin. Zeppelin. So Brian Zeppelin sent in, he's from the Atheist Apocalypse podcast, and here's the little Jim Baker bumper he put together.

The day of sex with Jim Baker, or women, or whatever, is drawing near. I smell a pancake. 55 gallons of milk. is drawing near. I smell a pancake. Think about it. 55 gallons of milk. Oh my gosh. That's two. My socks are black. Okay, the kids call that TMI. That's awesome.

That was great. I smell pancakes. I said it in a way that's so funny. Super awesome. All right. So here we go. So here's Marcus, and Marcus sent in this clip. A very well-known man of God, after I got out of prison,

I had heard goddess humming over a million times in a day. Millions of times. Now, I couldn't say that if that wasn't true. I say put it in my bucket. Yes. The Bible says it's not a place to store cum, but God hasn't cum yet. I don't want to be called a fool. God says if you know something's coming, you can only blow it a little bit longer.

Yes. Amen. That was great. That is outstanding. Wow. That's so funny. All right. So let's figure out who's going to be the winner here.

So we get to pick two. All right. Well, I feel like you got to pick your favorite. Okay. And I got to pick my favorite. I already have a favorite. What's your favorite? I like the Beast Repellent Spray.

The Beast Repellent Spray? I do think that's super funny. That is outstanding. I know it broke our rule. It did. So we should reward rule breakers. It did. It did. It's like the illegal immigrants of Jim Baker submissions.

Rule breaker. Rule breaker. Rule breaker. But you'll get an audible key from Tom. That's awesome. So that's one of them. Okay, so mine's going to have to go to Brian from Atheist Apocalypse Podcast. I love the I smell pancakes. It's so funny.

It just makes me laugh every time. And the way she's like, think about it. It's all the best stuff. These have been great. Thank you so much. I'm going to actually put a lot of these in a folder, and I'll use these as we introduce Jim Baker clips in the future. But we want to thank everybody who joined in.

We will send the two keys out, one to Marcus and one to Brian. But thank you guys both, and thank everybody else for putting stuff in. We really do appreciate it. It was very funny. This was a great time. This was awesome that you guys took the time to put these submissions for us together and do work that I don't have to do and now even Cecil doesn't have to do.

It's amazing. I don't even know what it's like not doing work for the podcast. I feel like we should replace it with something. So we want to thank everybody for listening and of course we want to end like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue.

It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water,

downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox reflex, foot massage death in towers, tarot cards psychic healing, crystal balls Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens

churches, mosques and synagogues temples, dragons, giant worms Atlantis, dolphins, truthers birthers, witches, wizards vaccine nuts shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this.

The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Thank you. you