Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 267: David Smalley Podcastathon Wrap Up

Episode Date: December 21, 2015

 

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey guys, this is Jeff Lopod. I just wanted to call and leave you a message to make sure you got my email about French President Francois Hollande and about how you got that wrong. Because I know something you don't know and that's really important to me that you know that. So just wanted to make sure you got that. I sent two just to make sure you get them. And I don't know, I might send you an email just to make sure that you check your voicemail. Tell you what, I'll wait like 10 more minutes before I send that. Okay, go to your home.

Bye. Hey, Tom and Cecil. I'm listening to your show with Alex Johnson, Ted Nugent, and I just got to say that I spent a lot of time in the military, 16 years, and I would have spent longer if I hadn't been medically discharged. Ted Nugent was universally hated amongst people that knew his history. That draft-dogging motherfucker wraps himself in a flag and says all this bullshit now, and nobody that knows his history in the military has any respect for that asshole. Glory hole, motherfuckers.

Hey, guys. This is Desert Dave down in San Antonio. I just wanted to tell you, I was privileged to sit in the studio at Dogma Debate as an observer, a four-person observer, when you guys were on. And fuck me, goddammit. Double glory hole up the ass sideways and glory holes on top of it. That was the absolute funniest fucking session I ever heard in my life. It was right up there when you and the Skating Atheist guys get together. If I'd have been driving, I would

have had to stop my car. But if you could have seen us in studio, we were all just pissing our pants with laughter that whole session. And I wanted to thank you guys for being on and for helping raise the money and doing all the stuff. You fucking rock. Glory Hole doesn't even begin to say it. We have to have like a swimming pool size one or a room with 150 in them or something to make it work. But anyway, I love you guys.

And I just wanted to tell you, you fucking rock. Glory Hole. Bye. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is a welcome mat now available for pre-order.

This is episode 267 of Cognitive Dissonance, I think. Yeah, I feel like that's the thing. Yeah, right around there. Anyway, we've got David Smalley from Dogma Debate on our program today. We recently raised almost the most money, nearly. It was difficult to get David Smalley on. We bumped him a couple of times, you know, just because Turnabout is fair play. But he was able to make it to our program last minute.

So thank you, David, for joining us. I'm sorry. I thought you were Noah. I didn't realize. I didn't realize. I'm sorry. Guys, I got to go. We can hardly blame you, actually.

So the dulcet tones of my voice did not give me away immediately when I began. No, I don't have the rich, deep baritone of no illusions. No, no, no. I'm sorry. I thought Noah was kind of in the Walmart practice of hiring special needs people to greet those. Oh, wow. I thought that's kind of in the Walmart practice of hiring special needs people to greet those. So I thought that's what was happening there. I feel like that's a shot across the bow of the special needs, actually. That's a little rough. I know. Oh, yeah.

I'm totally insulting them. Yeah. Man. I mean, I don't feel bad for me. I feel bad for those guys. Get a fucking band together. We are not like Tom. That's what it's going to be.

Hey, am I allowed to swear on this program? No, you're actually required to swear, and before you do, though, I'm going to need a glory hole from you. But not just, hold on, hold on. Not just any glory hole. I want one from the heart. I want a glory hole that says, these guys

raised $5,000 for me. Look, anybody that knows David Smalley, and you can mark this down in your little science books, knows that David Smalley only does glory holes for charity. Wow. Wow. He's a not-for-profit glory holer. Oh, man. Wow.

How do you get audited for that? I wonder. It's interesting. It's a 501c3 glory hole. You know, all kidding aside, David, congratulations. You know, $50,000 was what you raised. Now, Todd Stiefel, everybody's talking about who raised the most money. Who raised the most money?

That motherfucker dropped 50G on that. So Todd Stiefel basically stepped on all of our necks basically throughout that entire thing. But great work on your part facilitating all that. I mean, truly, getting all those people together on short notice to do all that for the Secular Student Alliance was really great work. If I had an applause thing, I would applause you right now, but I don't have one of those special things. Drop of applause.

I come with my own applause, gentlemen. Well, someone's got to. Hey, I don't fuck around. Listen. So look, you know what? Yes, I's got to. Hey, I don't fuck around. Listen. So, look, you know what? Yes, you know, I scheduled the folks. And I think I hosted 19 out of the 24 hours. Aside from that, there were so many people that worked their asses off on this thing.

And, man, you guys, I mean, we bump heads a lot on air. I love that. I love that about our relationship. But you guys are so generous. Every time you come on, you bring the energy. I mean, I loved having you at 7 p.m. I need you at, like, 4 a.m. to keep me awake. It's great having you guys on.

It's always a lot of fun. And your listeners, man, are some of the most loyal, fun people that just love to torture me. I mean, I feel like every time we talk, I'm in like this audio dunk tank, right? That's what it kind of feels like to me. Right. But I love it, man. I mean, you know, everybody has a good time

when you guys are on and it's, you know, usually whenever you hang up, everyone just kind of looks around the studio and goes, God, that was only an hour? That is so intense every time, but it's a lot of fun. And you know what? Todd, last year, whenever we did this, Todd came in and actually donated $10,000 of his own money.

I remember that. That was awesome. And so that's kind of, like you said, putting all the jokes aside and kind of putting our serious pants on for a second. That's kind of what I was hoping, right? That he would come in and help us get to that 40,000. And so I was hoping, because look, if you take away Todd's 10,000 and you take away the 20,000 match that happened, that means collectively we raised about 21,000 together last year. And talking with the Secular Student Alliance, their goal, their gap was 40,000 together last year. And in talking with the Secular Student Alliance, their

goal, their gap was 40,000. So we effectively had to double what we did last year, which was already this monumental feat of everybody coming together and raising 21,000 plus Todd's 10 plus the 20,000 matches how we got to the 51. So I was really kind of hoping Todd would come in and be like, okay, you know, I'll drop 20 during my segment and you guys can do what you did last year, right? That's kind of what I was hoping is to raise about 41 to meet that 40,000 goal. Todd did two things that scared the hell out of me. Not only did he ask us to bump our goal up by $10,000 and move it to 50, he said, I'm not even putting into this until you're done. Right?

So we had to do the 50 without Todd, right? Right. So, yeah, and that scared the hell out of me. Like, I was like, when he did that, I thought, okay, Todd's probably pushed me too far this year. I really don't want to look like a failure here. And you know what? Thanks to folks like you and Noah and Faisal and so many other people.

Matt Dillon, he did his own match. I mean, everybody just stepped up, man. And I think when we stopped counting, we were at 55,000. Holy cow. And then we went and took a nap, which I don't know if you've ever stayed up 24 hours in a row. You can't sleep eight hours after that. There's something in your body that pops up at four and a half hours that you just have to be awake for a little bit. And I slept for like four and a half hours, popped back awake, and we had raised another $1,000 somehow.

So the final total was $56,200 something, and Todd did his $50,000 match. So ultimately, in large part to you guys, we raised $106,000 for Secular Student Alliance. That's so awesome. That's great. It's amazing. And we can barely take any credit for that. I mean, we donated. The money that we donated that came to us was from our patrons, right?

So any of the money that we donated was from patrons, the generosity of our listeners. And then the listeners, they listened to us and donated through that. And, you know, it's so amazing to see so many different people come together. How many donors were there in the final bit? Do you know that number? I do. Last year, there were 313, and this year there were about 525. Yeah, man, that's just tremendous growth in the generosity.

And here's an interesting fact about this. We actually had about the same number of listeners. Oh, really? Yeah. So that kind of- You just got that much more engagement. Right. That's tremendous.

As a matter of fact, if the numbers are accurate, and sometimes, you know, with- I mean, you guys are on Libsyn, right? Yeah. Yeah, we're on Spreaker. As you know, sometimes the numbers are pretty accurate, but you never know by 500 or so, 600. If the numbers are actually accurate, which I don't know, we had about 900 less listeners this year, which makes no sense that we would have almost double the donors. So something is either really wrong with the stats there, or people were really much more inspired to give this year i just think like

you know you're trying to raise 40 to cover the gap for secular student alliance and now here you walk in 66 000 heavy into the game oh right right yeah right you know because you're going for 40 you hit 106 so right you know that's think about, have you talked to them at all about how they plan to use this or were they just flabbergasted at being able to make up such a massive difference? August, the executive director, all he said was, fuck it, I'm going to Vegas. I don't think he's going to do anything worthy of this money at all. I would like all my donations back. And by back, I mean a ticket to Vegas.

No, look, we asked them a couple of times because we had a few board members on throughout the 24-hour period. And essentially what they're doing with this money is we're going to see the results of this money almost instantly. They're going to take these funds and start spinning up new SSA groups. They're going to be able to get people their packets faster when they request to join a group. They're going to get flyers, pamphlets, the Ask an Atheist stuff, the tabling materials. That's what all of this money is going toward. It's going back to the high schools and the colleges who have these SSA events, the Ask an Atheist events. This is going right back out into the community.

When we think SSA, we think tables, we think answering questions in college campuses, and that's exactly where this money is going. It's really easy to get people behind a charity like that. One of the things that Tom and I wanted to do this year when we gave to Doctors Without Borders was we wanted to not only help Secular Student Alliance, and we gave some of our money to them and we helped raise for them, but we also wanted to give to Doctors Without Borders too. We wanted to give something right away to people. But then there's another thought that went through our head, which is we'd love to raise money for future humanists. We'd like to get more people that are going to be humanists in the future that we're going to plant that seed. The prosperity people talk about this all the time, right?

That seed gospel, right? You're planting a seed. You're planting seed. There's nothing in the charity world like this. We're planting seeds on the next humanists out there that are going to go out there and do good in the world. Yep, absolutely. That was my driving force behind this.

And I said this a couple of times. I don't think I had a chance to talk much during your segment. I hope not. We tried like hell. I got to tell you, David, when we hit the go live button, I wanted to make sure you couldn't get a fucking word in. I thought to myself, hit go. I'm going to roll over the top of this shit like a fucking steamroller for no other reason than that shit cracks me up.

I will say this. I watched the video of it. The video's up. And you could just see he's getting madder and madder and madder as time goes on. We love you, though, really. Okay, well, this time I'm going to get it out. We love you, though. Really.

Okay, well, this time I'm going to get it out. So anyone who wants to know more about the company, actually, behind what we do is secularmediagroup.com. We have our corporate site there. And clearly on the About page, it says that our mission is to cultivate a secular society through entertainment and public education to eradicate discrimination. to eradicate discrimination. Well, if the first line of our mission is to cultivate a secular society, what better way to do that than to build a platform and to make sure future humanists

have a support structure? Yeah. And that's why it was so easy for us to get behind the Secular Student Alliance. I absolutely love what they do. And we've missed each other a couple of times. You know, we reached out to them earlier in the year and said, hey, we'd like to do a fundraiser with you guys. And they were like, well, we have a huge thing going on already.

And we were like, okay, well then they came back to us around, I think July and said, okay, we're ready to do something. And we were in the middle of raising money for someone else. And we said, oh, we can't do two fundraisers at the same time. So around the time you guys emailed me, I had been trying to get back in touch with the SSA and I hadn't got a response yet. emailed me, I had been trying to get back in touch with the SSA and I hadn't got a response yet. So this thing almost didn't happen as crazy as it sounds. And so, uh, right after I heard from you, I sent another email, I think it was my third or fourth one. And, uh, it ended up finally reaching, reaching August and we got on the phone and hashed everything out. So that's kind of how it all came together. You know, all joking aside too,, it can't all be dick jokes.

I mean, it should be 97.5% dick jokes. But the dick jokes have to have a purpose. They've got to have a reservoir tip, you know what I mean? You've got to have something at the end of that thing. Let me give you guys a little bit of satisfaction that you don't deserve. Are you ready for this? Yes. You know what? David Smalley, any satisfaction I receive, I don't deserve. Are you ready for this? Yes. You know what? David Smalley, any satisfaction I receive,

I don't deserve and often have to pay for. Well, if you go watch the very last video, it'll say something about 24-hour broadcast for Secular Student Law or for SSA Part 4.

At the very end of it, we closed out the show. We the show and i don't know if you're familiar with dogma debate what we do is we go off air after our four hour broadcast every week i think it's a podcast isn't it almost um and then we and then what we do is we we go off air and then we stick around on video and we do an after show for our members at login.dogmondebate.com. So we add extra content. We finished the 24-hour broadcast. And just as we went off air, people in our chat room at our member site were screaming

for an after show. After 24 hours? After 24 hours, they were in all caps, after show, after show. After 24 hours, they were in all caps, after show, after show. And so I said, look, I'll unmute all the mics, and let's just let them hear us do our group picture in front of the Dogma Debate logo on the wall. I would just think it would be a giant collective release of gas after 24 hours.

It's like, I have been holding this in for so long. No, I think all the gas got released during your segment. Nicely done, sir. But here's the thing. So we unmute the mics and we're all sitting around talking and Alex comes over and shows my 11-year-old daughter how to work the camera. He's like, push this button. Hold it.

It's a very sophisticated camera. He's like, hold. It's on a tripod. So we all get lined up. And if you watch that video, you will hear in the background, she's just off camera about to take the picture. My year old daughter says is everybody ready we say yeah she says on the count of three say glory hole oh my god we ruined her oh god bless america oh i feel like i got my hand over my heart right now the two of you did that to my 11-year-old. I had to say, please don't say guru.

Don't say that around Nana. She's like, well, what does that mean? And I'm like, I'll tell you in a little while. In a little while, I mean like 12 years. It means everybody's happy. I'll tell you when you're 37. That's what it means. Good God. Oh, that's happy. I'll tell you when you're 37. That's what it means. Good God.

Oh, that's awesome. As members of the community, we can't appreciate you more. We think it's great stuff that you do for real. We really do, or we wouldn't do it. You know what I mean? Like, Cecil and I have a lot of competing things for our time. And frankly, for our dollars, for the dollars that we choose to spend on the charity causes that we think are really important

and what we try to drive our listeners toward. And if we didn't think that this was genuinely worthwhile, we would not be willing to promote it the way that we've promoted it. We wouldn't ask our listeners to come over and take a listen. And we are glad that you're one of the voices in the community looking to aggregate some of the other voices and say, look, guys, I mean, let's do some good together. And I think collectively we've done more than any of us could have done individually. Yeah, absolutely.

You know, and bullshit aside, I'm grateful to you for that. So thank you. Well, I appreciate that. I'm grateful to you guys as well. Well, I appreciate that. I'm grateful to you guys as well. And, you know, I'd be remiss if I didn't say that. Look, every time something happens where we're getting down to the wire and we're getting really close to not making that goal, I start coming up with ideas. I'm like, hey, guys, we have 40 shirts left over from the last conference. Let's sign a bunch of shirts. We're giving out shirts right now. Twenty five bucks. We'll sign shirts and send them to you. The people behind the scenes in the secular media group staff, the dogma debate staff, you should see the notes after this because they have to track all of this stuff and then go back and figure out who gets what. But man, the staff works so hard to make this happen. Anytime they get frustrated and we're like, where the hell does this fucking book go? I walk in and go,

I'm like, where the hell does this fucking book go? I walk in and go, hey, we raised $106,000 for the Secular Student Alliance. It's all for a good cause, trust me. So we have, hey, we have 48 people on staff with Secular Media Group. 48 people? 48 people. And every one of them are here by volunteer. What? 48 people?

My God. 25 or 30 of them are listed on the secularmediagroup.com site and then we have a bunch of research fuck the other ones they come in and out so fast they're research assistants they'll work on one project and then we don't want to get people burnt out

that's how it is at glory hole studios they come in and out so fast we just don't put them on the website you don't even get a name you just get a number for a good time. You're just anonymous. That was nice. That's applause-worthy, fellas.

That's applause-worthy. I'm really fortunate that you guys joined us to do that. Whatever bet you had with Noah, man, you guys kicked his ass into gear. That dude stepped it up. He was terrified of him. He got one dude that threw five Gs at him. That's amazing. Talk about generosity of listeners.

Talk about just the engagement of an audience. I've got to tell you, Cecil and I put this show together, and we put this show together because we just like goofing around. We like laughing. We like hanging out together. That's the thrust of why we began the show. We began the show basically making jokes

in the car driving to a Menards. I mean, that was kind of it. And we're like, what? Cecil, we should record. I'm like, alright, yeah, I'll agree to almost anything. And now we have this thing, and it turns out these people, and Noah's people too, and people from so many other shows, Seth's people and otherwise noah's people too and people from so many other shows seth's

people and and otherwise they just connect like and it's not maybe they don't connect with my show maybe they connect with yours which is totally different and i don't understand that but still they connect clearly they connect clearly with something and and it moves them in some way and and to to pretend that it's cecil or or i or even the two of us combined, I mean, it's the listenership. It's that engagement. It's those people out there who are listening to the show and saying, man, that's a great cause. I'm going to do something about that. It's awesome.

It's awesome to be a part of it. I mean, we're just – Man, you know what? We're not the drivers. You guys give me a lot of shit for being so straight on air, but let me just tell you, I don't cuss on my show. It doesn't mean I don't cuss first of all secondly uh before i had the audience i do now i would always sign my emails anytime somebody would email whether they were complaining or not i would sign my emails thanks for listening because without you i'm just some

asshole with a microphone right actually how i signed every one of my emails and i had to stop when you know i was you know getting like professional contacts back and forth i had to stop that not that you guys give a damn about that but i don't want any professional contacts if it means i have to wear pants or something we noticed we've noticed um but yeah so i you know that that's really still the way i feel though you know yeah when you know we could have very awesome people like for example stephanie gattormson comes on from the Richard Dawkins Foundation offers to give a Richard Dawkins signed book away for a thousand dollar donation. That's huge.

That's awesome that people from Richard Dawkins Foundation want to help us reach our goal, but none of it would matter if some guy named George didn't go, I'll give a thousand dollars to SSA for that book. You know what I mean? None of this stuff matters if the listener base doesn't step up and support what's going on. So it's a beautiful thing to watch. And at the end of this one, almost, look, at the end of last year, if you listen to the very last five minutes of it, I'm moved to tears.

I can't even really talk without getting choked up. And I'm believe we just did this this year as it was coming to an end i was like well clearly this isn't going to happen we did it i feel good this is amazing and the second it hit it all flooded back and i was like oh my god we did it again yeah i cannot believe how amazing these listeners are and it's you know i'm just so thankful that everybody did it and you know what funny enough uh last year when we we said, are we going to do this next year? And we were like, we have no idea. And we didn't make up our minds until like, what, October, November that we were going to do it this year. It was very last minute. This year, I've already had my chief strategy officer over here. We're already building the

planning committee to do this next year. And we don't know what charity it's going to be. We don't know what the goal is going to be, but we're already building the planning committee to do this next year. And we don't know what charity it's going to be. We don't know what the goal is going to be, but we're already throwing around names and we're already throwing around possible amounts that we want to get to. We're definitely going to be a lot more structured in the giveaway section. We have, we're going to have dedicated people keeping track of each thing. We're going to be a hell of a lot more organized and we would love to have you guys in person.

If you'd like to come to Dallas. Only if we can host half of it. Oh, we would love to have you guys in person if you'd like to come to Dallas. Only if we can host half of it. Half? Half? You hear him? He's like, there's no fucking way. There is no fucking way.

You get seven minutes. I'll give you half of seven minutes. I'm used to that. I still won't fill your time. I'd go to Dallas for that next year. Yeah, right? That's good. Oh, my God. I still won't fill your time. Yeah. I'd go to Dallas for that next year. Yeah, it sounds like a good time. I mean, Dallas is still in Texas, though, right?

Yeah. We got to buy guns. We got to buy sidearms, don't we? Oh, I think you just shoot them right in the air. Like, you just walk around like, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to get one of those huge, like, Yosemite Sam hats. That would be amazing.

We should go, and we should dress as fucking crazy down the Cowboys and shit. Oh, my God. It didn't take you long to ruin an idea. You just, somebody throw something out, and both of you collectively take a giant shit right on it together. You bet, David. David, thank you. That is exactly what we do. We are going next year.

I will tell you this much. I don't care if you have that shit on my fucking son's birthday. Oh, by the way, Cecil, I appreciate you agreeing to spread your mother's ashes another day. Now, you're giving me shit, but that was actually my mother's birthday, and she just died this year. Are you serious? I'm dead serious. That was my mom's birthday. Oh, my God she just died this year. Are you serious? I'm dead serious. That was, that was my mom's birthday.

Yeah. Oh my God. I thought Tom was joking. No, I hope you feel, I hope you feel appropriately shamed. You weren't really spreading the ashes though. No, no,

no, no, no, no. I was just, I was just going to stay home and eat my feelings, but instead I recorded, recorded a bear trap ever, man. I'm sorry. That's horrible.

It's so funny because I've known Cecil for like 20 years. I had no idea it was his mom's birthday, man. I just fucking made that shit up trying to fuck with you. Did you really? Yeah. How do I know it's his mom's fucking birthday? He didn't know. He had no idea. When I showed up that day, I said, oh yeah, I said, it's actually really cool. We're giving away a lot of money today and it's my mom's birthday. And he's like, oh, you know, because she just died in August. I have no idea what his mom's birthday. I don't know.

I barely know my wife's birthday. Cecil's mom's birthday. Wow. Are you fucking kidding me? Wow. It's outrageous. So I hope you feel appropriately bad for saying that. I can't remember what episode we're on.

Hey, whatever appropriately bad feeling I'm supposed to feel, add about 15% to that. That's where I am. So we'll be back with David Smalley at the end of the program. He's going to talk a little bit about GOP nominations, the primaries that are going on, a little bit about a Democratic Party, and just a little bit about how he thinks Cognitive Distance is his favorite show ever. Yeah, I mean, it was

interesting to hear him use the term podcast-a-thon. Yeah, and glory hole. So many glory holes. You're all sick! Oh, be nice! Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay.

Oh my God, what's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance now. So this story comes from Gay Star News. This Greek bishop wants Christians to spit on gay people. They are freaks of nature.

Says man in really weird hat with unbelievably epic beard. He looks like Soramon. Dude, this guy. Like he just made an orakai a few minutes ago. Right? He's just pressing the white hand paint on all of his

followers. Look at that shit. This guy Right? He's just pressing the white hand paint on all of his followers. Look at that shit. This guy took fucking Movember seriously. His hat is awesome. It looks like a little chair. You do want to sit on that. It's awesome.

It's basically a little ottoman. It's like a sharp mushroom. So this guy reacted to the parliament taking the first steps to legalize same-sex marriage. He didn't take this very well. He reacted by saying, spit on them. Blacken them. Blacken them. Blacken them. Like what?

Like Creole style? Like put a bunch of, oh, you want a blackened shrimp or a blackened gay dude? Maybe he's talking about blackface? I don't know. Maybe he's looking for the black cock. Maybe he's like, oh, black cock. Vote against them. They are not human. They are freaks of nature.

Mentally and spiritually sick. They are mentally insane. He said, whenever you see them, spit on them. Don't leave them in peace. They are dangerous. And I have to say like my fucking first thought was like this is how you treat the mentally ill yeah like you are a right you are a religious figure if we go by what your idea is right we're not saying that the gays are mentally ill no no no but if we if we even follow you down this garden path of crazy, we're saying that these people are mentally ill and we should fucking hurt them.

We should physically assault them by spitting on them and blackening them. Whatever that means. Sure. And telling them that they're not human and that they're freaks of nature. Like a Scantron test. You have to fill them in. Don't color outside the lines, though, because it might not count. Spit on them.

Get a number two pencil and fill them out in orderly fashion. Like, wait, what? No, I don't. Where's my hassock head? I don't know what to say. What a fucking mean person. Like, I look at this and I just think, dude, you're just a fucking terrible, degenerate, mean-spirited shithead.

And it's not necessarily saying that this is coming from the religion, but he's using the religion as a way in which to propagate it, right? Of course. Let's say that it's not, like, you make that argument, right? Be like, oh, you know, it doesn't say that in the thing that he's reading, and so it's not really the reason it's fault. No, the religion is at fault here. The religion is at fault because he's using it as he's a mouthpiece for the religion, number one,

but then number two, he's using it to help convince other people to physically assault other humans that he disagrees with. Do you know what he looks like? Do you remember Big Trouble in Little China? He does. He looks like that dude from Big Trouble in Little China. Goodbye, Mr.

Burton. He also looks like he can sell somebody a fucking mogwai at any time. Don't feed the gays after midnight. Don't feed them after midnight because then they have a party. No semen after midnight. They have a big dance party.

But it's always after midnight. Shut up. Stop being pedantic. I hate you. Podcasters. They live in squalor, destitute, and disenfranchised. Eeking out on existence as best they can in such desolate places as Chicago. In pairs, but otherwise alone, they suffer from hunger and thirst, barely making it day

to day on store-brand chicken wings and weak domestic beer. But now you can help. For just a few dollars a podcast, pennies a day, you can give them the restaurant-style chicken wings and imported beer that they so desperately need. For less than the price of a cup of coffee, you can make a difference in their lives, allowing them the opportunity to rant unfettered, as nature intended. Please, go to patreon.com backslash dissonance pod today, make a pledge, and help these poor, innocent creatures lead a life worth living this story comes from the patheos blogs friendly atheist christian preacher says he will soon release video

evidence of raising people from the dead i would like to see evidence of this man with some sort of fashion sense. This guy's fingers are tattooed. His fingers, dude. It says, what does it say? Jake and Elwood? Alright, so this is Todd Bentley talking about Raising the Dead.

I wish we had a dead body we could pray for, but we don't. Why don't you just make one? I know, right? Like, what's the harm? All you gotta do is just smother him in your beard. Dude, do you remember that from a few years ago where they killed that guy on stage and then they were gonna raise him up? And then he died?

We covered this story maybe like two or three years ago. Somebody volunteered for it. He was like a father of like fucking 17 kids. It was in India or something. What, they killed him? And they killed him on stage. And then he died because that's how killing people works. And then the dude was like, well, I'm going to bring him back to the dead.

And then it didn't work because that's not how life works. And then he was like, he peaced out of there. He ran away. He's like, whoopsie. Yeah. Do you remember this? Vaguely. Oh, it was amazing.

We cover so many horrible stories. I can't remember every single one. I wish we had a dead body we could pray for, but we don't. Yeah, it would have been something that happened, as opposed to just making it up, saying shit out loud. I'm made out of hang gliders. Whatever, dude. That would have been a great illustration, but I don't think anybody wants to sign up for that.

That would have been a great illustration. But I don't think anybody wants to sign up for that. But if we had one, this would be great. I'd have Matt the altar under the sheet. We'd just be preaching. I've done that, by the way. In Africa, I have a tent. I totally have a girl who lives in Niagara Falls. I had sex with her.

I know, man. I put my finger in her pussy once. Right? When I was at camp, you don't know about, and anyway... Anyway, when I was away last summer, when I wasn't actually away, but you don't remember far back from last summer,

I actually, I touched her cooter. Yeah, my supermodel Canadian girlfriend gave me a fucking blowjob. Her boobs felt like bags of sand. Then I ejaculated her mother's face. So they can bring the dead, put them in the tent

while I'm preaching. So they don't stink in the sun. That's a true literal story, by the way. What is God like? Oh, fuck, I totally messed up. The bearded guy wanted him alive. I messed up. I thought he wanted him dead, so I wound up deading him. And then there I go.

This guy with the big beard and the sleeve tattoos and the Jake and Elwood on his knuckles. He said, hey, y'all, can you raise him on up? And I said, well, golly, I didn't even think about that. I thought they wanted him dead. Here's the thing, y'all don't know, but it only works in Africa. I don't even know why. You know why? Because you can't check and say.

You got to put him under the sheet, though. That way there's no funny business when it's under the sheet. And that's why Penn and Teller do the same thing. Right. It's not bullshit. It's just obfuscated. That's fucking awesome. Fucking shit.

Does he saw him in half too? And then he, when the first, the first thing comes out of their mouth, what, what, what? Is this your card? He's like David Blading.

Like peeling orange and the fucking card is in the middle of it. He's fucking levitating. Then he fucking holds his breath for an hour. He's in Africa. He's just like riding a water buffalo for 33 hours or something. I actually have a Raising the Dead tent that I've used for 10 years in africa i also use it for the demon possessed because i figured the dead and the demon possessed could be in the same tent sure fuck it why not who cares well you know what consolidate i'm not fucking intense don't just

fucking travel to africa themselves but i do that's the same thing i do in my wardrobe i take all my winter coats and my sweaters and I put them in one of those space bags So I totally understand what he's getting at Look man I'm not gonna fucking It costs so much money to bring these fucking Voodoo tents to Africa I'm not fucking bringing two No way I'm bringing two

And look if the demon possessed Complain I'll fucking kill him Then raise him from the dead Complain now bitch I actually put a sign And look, if the demon-possessed complain, I'll fucking kill them, then raise them from the dead. Exactly. Fuck you. Complain now, bitch. I actually put a sign on my tent called dead-raising tent. And people go, why do you have a tent called dead-raising? I go, well, if I'm preaching in a city and anybody dies, I ask them to bring them to the meeting.

We put them in the tent, and we pray over them. And if nothing happens, we bury them. I said, give me two days. them and if nothing happens we bury them i said give me two days i mean so if they're fresh it's the closer they are to freshly dead the easier they are to resurrect you know you don't want to send your your dead a couple of days out to miracle max because then it can't create a big chocolate pill to stuff down the throat there's no way that miracle max will be able to put that pill in there they only have to be mostly dead. Mostly dead. I've just sucked 10 years of your life away.

Fuck off, you fucking liar. Liar. That's amazing. The more days that get in there, once you get past the four-day mark, somebody sent me a ridiculous prayer request. They're like, well, you know, they've been dead for two years. Can we still go for it? And I said, I think this is a joke. Might as well.

I mean, you're just fucking lying all the other times. That's literally no more ridiculous than they've been dead for seven minutes. Can you bring Abe Lincoln back? That's all we're asking. Can you bring Hitler back? Because I want to punch that guy. Biblically, you know, Lazarus was four days or whatever. Or whatever.

Yeah, it's four days or whatever. I don't know. He's like, fuck it, I don't know. Anyway, I'm basically Jesus. He's actually like 32 hours. Whatever. Who's counting? So we could probably hit that next.

But all joking aside, we really do pray for the dead to be raised. Literally. Literally. And what the dead to be raised. Literally. Literally. And what the fuck happens? Nothing. Because I've never fucking read a news article where somebody was, from a legitimate source, where somebody was like, holy shit, there was this guy who died, and then this bearded fucking full-sleeved tattooed nutbag prayed over him,

and he came back to life. I've never read that article. Dude, we are going to get so many emails from bearded tattooed nut bag prayed over him and he came back to life. I've never read that article. Dude, we are going to get so many emails from bearded tattooed guys being like I loved your show and then I felt singled out. Look, here's the thing. Dude, just go to your fucking bearded safe place. It's fine. I'm sorry. I love you guys. I just can't

grow a beard. I'm just jealous. I just can't grow tattoos. Whenever we have opportunity we at least go for it. Yeah, fuck jealous. I just can't grow tattoos. Whenever we have opportunity, we at least go for it. Yeah, fuck it. Nothing to lose, bitches. May as well pray for a ham to spring out of my ass. Stuff that corpse in that tent.

I don't give a shit. I'll pray. There's nothing to lose. I'll pray for fucking literally anything. I don't give a shit. If nothing happens, we bury him. So we do take prayer requests. Do you take them from the dead people? You know, that's the thing. You were saying, man, what if we got this awesome news story about somebody

I'd like to talk to the guy who's like, I was dead for four days. That was fucking weird. Super weird. I was alive, and then it's like, well, I'm dead for four days. You want to talk to the guy who's dead for more than a day. Not the guy who's like, oh, I died for like a minute. And then I saw Jesus.

And he gave me a big hug. And all my family was there. And we hugged and hugged and hugged. I want to talk to the guy who's like, I was dead for four days. And that's fucked up. Right. And they did a fucking autopsy, right? And they're like, oh, my God.

They opened up. They opened up. And then they they did a fucking autopsy, right? And they're like, they opened my heart up. They opened my big, wide, second hole. They opened it up, and then they were like, fucking shock T-day. They fucking put it in the formaldehyde, and fucking short round was there. Like, oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Jones is dead. Like, that's the guy I want to talk to. I want to meet the guy who's walking around, and he has no organs. Yeah. Like, it's just fucking.

He's like, he's just fucking an old-timey mummy. He's got to carry his organs around in like a basket next to him. You know, because here's the thing, man. If it's all fucking magic, what do you need your organs for anyway? Don't need them anyway. Like, it's like saying like, well, how does your sump pump work? Magic. Well, then why do you still have a sump pump?

Yeah. You should just have like a fucking, like a trained unicorn. Right. Yeah. Right. It's like your heart's a water pump, right? Basically, it's just a sump pump. Yeah. You should just have like a fucking, like a trained unicorn. Right. Yeah. Right. It's like, it's like, it's like your heart's a water pump,

right? Basically, it's just a fucking meat pump. So it's like, well, uh, that thing, we don't need it.

Magical fix it. Well then fucking, I literally actually don't need it. Yeah. Rip that fucker out and resurrect me, bitch. No, it didn't work this time.

Oh, it turns out we're just mechanics. Wah, wah. Oh, I feel super sad, Beardy McBearderson. If I could go buy some more flannel, hipty-doo.

When people die, they call us or they email us, and we pray. Or they text messages. I don't know. Whatever. We either fucking send us a message on Twitter. These people are always like, oh, my fucking loved one died, and then these assholes pray over them, and nothing happened. Nothing at all.

Nothing. I'm going to fucking break, like my fucking dad does. I'm like, I'm real sad. Here's my dad. Can you pray over him? Maybe come back. No. No, it turns out it's not fucking magic.

Well, let's send him to Africa first. First, you got to send him to Africa. You got to send him to Africa and put him in his Ebola tent and then he comes back to life. And then if nothing happens, we bury him. But we've had, we've prayed for probably 1,000 resurrections. Literally. And we've had 35 resurrections of the dead.

Testimonies of people raised from the dead. I can't, dude. I'm out of the thing that I need to do this. 35 resurrections. Resurrections from the dead. 35. This is the first time I'm hearing about a big guy. Yeah.

First time I'm hearing about your resurrections. He's got a 3.5%. This guy's so fat he hasn't had 35 erections. Allah, Akbar, Akbar, Allah, Akbar, Allahu, Akbar Akbar Just little Allah Thank you Chicago This story comes from Right Wing Watch Activist warns Foreclosed homes will soon house

100 million Muslim Refugees This is gonna be Fucking amazing this is gonna be a guy Who does not understand how foreclosure works. Limpkin Biscuit. Here we go. Abby Limpkin.

Now we see millions of Muslims fleeing the Middle East. Muslims? Wait, Muslims? We got the millions of Muslims. Where the Muslims at? Somebody misplaced my Muslims. Muslims? It's fucking Muslims, you stupid shithead.

Where's the O in there? You know what? This is like fucking those assholes are like, oh, we're having spaghetti. Get some moscacholi. Fuck you. Don't use letters that aren't in the word. Don't do that. Fuck, it makes me so mad.

All right, we'll just pronounce other shit for no reason. Moslems, fuck off. We're going to go to the mosque. The Moslems are at the mosque. Asshole. Fuck you. And I predict we will be seeing 50 to 100 million Moslems coming to the U.S. imminently. Sure, fuck it.

Whatever. I predict 100 million. 100 million. How are they going to get here? Are they going to form a land bridge? Like, what the fuck? It's a quarter of the population of the United States are just going to be like, hey, man, we just want to stay here.

How you doing? Wait, wait, wait. 25% of the fuck off. Yeah, they're going to let 100 million people in here. Sure. Are you shitting me? It's fucking ridiculous. 50 to 100 million people in here. Are you shitting me? It's fucking ridiculous. 50 to 100 million?

Yes. Dude, the whole population of Syria is 22 million people. Even on his low end, it'd be every single person, not just the refugees, all of Syria is just like, we're all just leaving at the same time. It would be multiple nations full of people would have to come here. Yeah. They'd be like, fuck it. We're out. Peace.

The whole Middle East is now emptying out. God has destroyed Syria. God has destroyed Iraq. Israel faces no more enemies at this time. Wow. Fucking good for Israel. Israel's got to be like, whoa, look at us go. We also weren't at war with Iraq or Syria.

God destroyed Syria and Iraq? Yeah, he did. Didn't you notice that? I missed it. Yeah. Probably missed it because it didn't happen. I definitely missed the Iraq one. I mean, I guess if you could blame barrel bombs on God.

Yeah. No, I mean, God destroyed Syria and Iraq, and that's why there's no more fighting, because it's over. Because God won. It was God versus Syria. God won. Is there going to be a grudge match? Syria, zero.

Yes. 50 million Muslims coming to America? Right. No. It's pronounced Moslems. I was going to say, it's not 50 million Muslims, bro. It's 50 million Moslems. And Moslems are very different than Muslims. Sure, they're all coming to

America on little boats. Sure. Coming to America as princes. We haven't seen Egypt. We haven't seen Turkey. We haven't seen Iran being destroyed yet. That's an invasion. Yeah, it's an invasion. And they will use Agenda 21 to confiscate land

to prepare for pure Islamic cities throughout the United States. Yeah, that's going to happen. The fuck is Agenda 21? Who cares, right? It's some fucking garbage that he just made up. Who cares, right? But the thing is, is like...

Dude, that's so perfect. The thing is, is like, they're going to... Nobody's... Fucking if Texas can't secede, then fucking nothing's going to happen. You're never going to have that happen. I don't care what city you're going to have that's going to be like, hey, we're not part of the United States anymore. They're going to be like,

bro, I don't know if you knew where you were when you made that choice, but you're part of the United States. And if you say no, we're either going to put you all in a jail, or you know what? We might even just skip the whole thing and just shoot all of you.

Yeah. Nobody, there's not going to be an invasion of America by a bunch of fucking Moslems who are coming over from Egypt. From Mosul. What are you talking about? We're just making this nonsense up. This isn't happening. It's not happening.

It's not going to happen. This isn't happening. It's not happening. It's not going to happen. People don't want, the other thing is like, it's so fucking self-centered and narcissistic to, to think that like people just want to leave their home. Like the people are just like, well, I'll just give up everything that's fucking mine and every place I lived and my friends and my family. I'm just going to go across to America where nobody likes me, and then I'm going to try to set up fucking weird separate government in a weird little fucking Islamic Mayberry. No one's doing that. No one will ever fucking do it.

This is the sort of nonsensical, hate-filled pipe dream that these xenophobes make up in order to generate weird, bad feelings so we can all look at people with brown skin and be like ew those guys it's garbage have you have you thought about the fact that and we're down to less than two minutes because the federal reserve bank is holding the mortgages of most americans right indirectly yeah federal reserve bank is holding the mortgages of most americans does that make sense to you? No, that's not even true. Okay. That's blatantly

just, that's just fucking made up. The Federal Reserve Bank doesn't hold mortgages. It holds, I don't believe the Federal Reserve Bank holds any mortgages that I'm aware of. Mortgages are typically backed by Fannie or Freddie, which are

quasi-governmental agencies, but being backed by Fannie or Freddie, which are quasi-governmental agencies. But being backed by Fannie or Freddie is not the same thing as being held by the Federal Reserve Bank. That's just not true. And we have millions of foreclosed homes in the United States. Muslims will buy them all up. No, I think the Federal Reserve will give it to them. Or, yeah. You know, I have heard of Muslim organizations buying houses for $1 or just paying the taxes on them.

What are you talking? Yes, look. Okay, so there are definitely organizations which Detroit sells houses for $1, right? Like Detroit's a goddamn shithole that nobody fucking wants to live in. It's a godforsaken hellhole. It's basically fucking Fury Road, right? Yeah, exactly. It's a Mad Max-style apocalyptic nightmare that we call Detroit.

So, yes, they have sold homes, certainly, for a dollar. And, I mean, you take it subject to whatever fucking liens are part of that and whatever. Also, no water. Yeah, I mean, but it's garbage land, right? It's land that's actually you've got to knock the fucking crack whores out of the goddamn house. It's a burnt down shell of a home in a goddamn nightmare apocalyptic scenario. So they're sold for a fucking dollar because they're literally actually worthless.

There are genuinely other homes that are sold for the value of their taxes because when you don't pay your taxes, your taxes go to sale. A tax buyer buys those taxes and obtains your property through tax deed. None of that shit is the same thing as the government owns your house and gives it to Muslims. None of that shit is true. Tax buyers are the meanest people ever. All they want to do is take your house and sell it for as they want to buy it as cheap as possible and sell it for as much as possible. They're the meanest possible people. They're not like, oh, you're Muslim. Give me a dollar. I'll give you a house. Swallowing everything up because you're going to have the American dollar will not collapse.

The American economy will not collapse because you're going to have a building boom, a housing boom. And this is always the greatest motor for economic development for any country in the world. You're going to be building homes for 50 to 100 million people. You don't need a housing boom if you're giving away houses to Muslims. That's not how a boom would work. If I gave away 100 million houses, that's not a housing boom. All that does is devalue all of the other homes in the area because home values are determined by comparative value. Exactly.

If a fucking home in my condo sells for the foreclosure price, I'm fucked. It fucks me. That's not a boon. Hey, let me check the comps in your area. $1, $1, $1. Bro, turns out your house is worth about a dollar. Great.

Can you find me a Muslim buyer? So we have David Smalley back, and we would like to talk to David Smalley about some politics stuff because we know that he gets into a lot of debates with Christians and things like that on his show. And maybe he, I know that he has outlets and he does do this on occasion, but, you know, we wanted to invite you on and talk a little bit about politics, especially because the GOP, what do they call that? Debate just happened very recently. Yeah, yesterday, right? Yesterday.

I didn't watch. Did you watch it? Yeah, I watched it. But I'd like to get your thoughts on sort of the GOP ticket and possibly on the Democratic ticket. I know you're from Texas, so you probably love somebody from Texas, right? Do they even get Democratic debates down there? No, you can't

watch it. You have to get it on satellite or something? You have to watch it on the deep web down there. We have to go to a Swedish website to see anything Hillary says. You'd be better off watching butt-fucking child porn than watching, like, a Democrat wall in Texas. They arrest you when you have

two terabytes worth of Democratic debates on your hard drive. You're, like, banging on your doors, like, Sir! Sir! Are you watching Hillary Clinton? No, I wasn't watching! I was just fapping this bestiality porn! Guys, guys, everybody knows they only play the child porn in the subway. Everybody knows they only play the child porn in the subway Nicely done sir

Eat fresh my friend Thank you Thank you No so look A lot of people are shocked Especially cackling clowns from the midwest Are shocked to learn That a lot of

Oh hey Do you remember his Hold on Do you remember when, hold on, before he, do you remember when he was making fun of us talking about the cloud car? You should see that on video. It's hilarious. I gotta watch it.

He freaks his shit out. It's so funny. When he's making fun of us, when he's like, he's like, that's amazing. I did it again. I did it again on this past show yesterday. Oh, did you?

Yeah, I did it again. Yeah, I don't listen, so I was just... I know, because we just had an entire episode about the GOP debate. A lot of people would be surprised. When you look at Texas voting map, the counties, where all the people are, it's liberal.

It's blue. Dallas County is always blue. What? San Antonio is blue. Houston is blue. Austin is blue. No, I've been to Houston. Houston is fucking brown and stinky.

God. Dude, Houston is some other horrifying color. Stay with me. On a voting map. And then the entire southern border is right there on the Gulf. It's all blue. So what makes Texas red are these redneck areas in between Midland and Odessa and Abilene and Lubbock and the places that a lot of people don't really think about. Jesus, those all sound post-apocalyptic.

All of them sound like we're in the middle of a fucking bad fucking Robert McCammon novel. Like, oh, we're going to Odessa. It's 350 pages later or something. A nuclear bomb blows up. It's ridiculous. That's kind of what it looks like. It's all pig farms. Do the pigs vote? I'm telling you, that's

the problem with it. Those people, look, that is Fox News territory. They get three channels out there. It's Sesame Street, Fox News, and Fox News. That's basically what they're fed out there. I ain't one of them high-class Sesame Street watchers. The actual county that I live in, Dallas County, it was blue both years for Obama's election.

I mean, we vote Democratic in these counties. So, I don't know. I am amazed by that because how can the major metropolitan areas... I mean, I know that Texas is just ridiculously massive and the population is just spread out among fucking desert arid wasteland after desert arid wasteland. But the metropolitan areas should crush it. Look at it this way. after desert arid wasteland, but the metropolitan area should crush it.

Look at it this way. If you take the entire United States, you can draw a correlation between religiosity and a lack of education. And the more money and the more education people have, the less religious they tend to be. That's just a statement of fact. It's not trying to insult anyone. Well, if you take the state of Texas, it's so huge.

It's kind of sort of this little microcosm of the United States, where the money is, where the high-paying jobs are, where the dense populations are. The higher the education, the higher the money, the less religious, the more liberal. None of that explains Houston being liberal, though. I mean, Houston's fucking horrifying. It's disgusting. There can't be anybody

with a fucking high school diploma there. Oh, Jesus Christ! Sorry! Houston actually, I believe Houston has a lesbian mayor. I think. Didn't they just pass a, I thought it was Houston where they just passed like a bathroom bill or something. Didn't they pass some kind of bathroom bill in Texas somewhere? There was one up, I think, but I don't know.

Oh, there was something that just passed. You mean for the transgender? Because all the fucking preachers were ejaculating about it recently. Yeah, it was Houston. Yeah. It was Houston. Do you have it in front of you, Tom? Yeah, it was the so-called bathroom bill.

It was Prop 1 in Houston. And did it pass? I don't know. It kind of doesn't matter because all of Houston is a bathroom. Like you just piss out in the fucking open and nobody would even notice it's like god the whole city is a fucking open sewer it's a disgusting well i mean it's like one of the it's like one of the largest cities in the united states it's got it's got it's good and bad just like la or any giant city i mean it's got it's good and bad but when people think texas

you don't think liberal, lesbian mayor. But we have one. Yeah, we have one. Her name is Anise Parker. Have you two been actually following the GOP debate? Yeah, I mean, I've been following it as closely as the food in my stomach will allow. Right. Because it's one of these things like they have this narrative, at least on the right,

where it's, we need more protections against outside threats, but we're totally cool with inside threats. And there's this huge cognitive dissonance that just rubs across the entire group of GOP primary candidates that I just, it's hard for me to stomach when I watch. I just can't, I can't imagine them, they'll say one thing and in the very next breath say

something else that completely contradicts what I would imagine would be a logically consistent standpoint. I missed the last one, but I've listened to all of the other debates. I never watched. This one was probably the most jaw-dropping, had a few of the other debates. I never watched. This one, this one was probably the most jaw drop, had a few of the most jaw dropping moments ever. Did you happen to catch when Ben Carson was talking about killing children? You know, I missed that, but I saw a headline about it.

Let us know. I have the, I have the audio. If you want to hear it, I'd love to hear it. Hit us up. People admire and respect and are inspired by your life story, your kindness, your evangelical

core support. We're talking about ruthless things tonight. Carpet bombing, toughness, war. And people wonder, could you do that? Could you order airstrikes that would kill innocent children by not the scores, but the hundreds and the thousands? Could you wage war

as a commander-in-chief? Well, interestingly enough, you should see the eyes of some of those children when I say to them, we're going to have to open your head up and take out this tumor. They're not happy about it, believe me. And they don't like me very much at that point. But later on, you know, they really realize what's going on. And by the same token, you have to be able to look at the big picture and understand that it's actually merciful if you go ahead and finish the job rather than death by a thousand pricks. Death by a single prick, I guess would be what I would go with.

Can you believe that? When someone has a worldview like that, that it's not a death, it's a transformation from an innocent child to an innocent angel in heaven with Jesus, he doesn't care about wiping an entire people off the face of the planet. That's why I think someone's faith matters when they're getting into office. Hell yeah, it matters. That's why I think someone's faith matters when they're getting into office. Hell yeah, it matters. Because what he's saying is, from the Christian perspective, especially if you're a fundamentalist,

if you have to kill an entire group of people and innocent children die, it's actually merciful to just finish the job. How disgusting is that? Sounds like a band-aid, sort of like the band-aid mentality. Pull the band-aid off fast, kill a few people, and then... Right, well, think about it. From an atheist perspective, we would never say finish the job, because there's nothing for that child in the

afterlife. We know that we want to preserve the life, the only life we do have. The only thing making him okay with saying, finish the job, just kill them, is because he believes in eternal life, and if you're below the age of them, is because he believes in eternal life. And if you're below the age of accountability, you go from being in Syrian hell to immediately being in heaven.

I think you have a clip that you play on your show where you talk, I think it's Ricky Gervais who says, you know, atheists have everything to live for and nothing to die for. Absolutely. You know, and I think that that's one of the things that people don that people, that people, it goes right over their head is they don't, they miss that part. They think, oh, well, if you were an atheist, well, what do you have to live for? Well, I have everything to live for. I'm a lucky bag of molecules. I'm super happy being here. And I like the living stuff I do. Right. It's just, I don't have anything to die for. There's nothing. And we talk about this, Tom and I talk about this all the time about these people

who blow themselves up or who, you know, run on suicide missions and kill themselves. I, there's nothing I can think of that would let, that would lead me down that path. But, but except for religion, you know, religion is the only thing that I can think of that would lead someone down the path of being like, oh, well, I won't, I'm totally willing to kill myself. You know, I think to me, when I, when I heard that Ben Carson clip, what I was hearing is a jab at Obama, right? You know, it's a pulled out before the job was done jab at Obama. That's what I heard in that clip. I didn't really hear a backward.

I completely, completely disagree with that. I think what he's saying is finish the job, basically kill them, because that's what the question was about. Could you kill children? He said, I think it's actually more merciful to just finish the job. He compared it with brain surgery. As a matter of fact, one of the pastors that I have on my show a lot actually sent me a message and was like, that made me sick to my stomach. That was horrible that he would use his faith to justify it. And you're right. He didn't actually mention it, just like Rick Santorum didn't mention his faith is the reason he doesn't think women should be in combat. But ultimately, that's what drives these guys' platforms, right? Is their male dominance. I totally agree with that. Absolutely.

Like, it's all hidden in the background, right? Because you can't be Ben Carson and be divorced from your faith, right? And I think that's genuinely problematic, is that these guys have no nice if this were true and fine, but really I can set all that shit aside and it really doesn't affect my decision making because, you know, at the end of the day, I make my decisions using this different rubric, right? I use my, I make my decisions using this different set of tools. And those are the tools over there that I reserve for these big metaphysical existential questions. And at the end of the day, there's a hard line that I draw between reality and fiction is what I would say. But they would probably say metaphysical and the physical.

The problem with the Ben Carsons of the world is they don't seem to have a line between the physical and metaphysical. And they use the same set of tools to understand both worlds and that shit is terrifying to me that's the scary part is that we're gonna have somebody with their you know proverbial finger on the button with the ability to go to war with the ability to i mean congress can only wage war but these guys can can launch nuclear attacks and do

all kinds of stuff and they believe in an afterlife afterlife. You know, what you were sort of positing there is Kennedy's position. He's like, look, I'm Catholic, but, you know, the Catholic Church doesn't run me. I'm going to be governed, you know, by the people, and I'm not going to use my faith to run my politics. That's what we're hoping for, and I think, you know, Obama's kind of leaning that same direction too. But I could never hear a Bernie Sanders say something like, well, you know, the merciful thing to do is to finish the job. I got to tell you, sometimes Hillary does more God talk than some of the Republicans. And that scares me. That worries me a little. I don't know if she's just pandering to a base or if she's really buying into that. But she gets pretty religious in most of her talks when it's not even really necessary.

Let's talk about Trump for a second because we talked about how scary Ben Carson is. Let's talk about Trump. Now, somebody on our show recently said – this was Eli Bosnick was talking about Trump. And he had said that when people wonder where Trump comes from, they always look and say, where the hell does this guy come from? How does this guy have this many people who are supporting him? And his comment was, Trump is the reflection of America. It is Trump's, Trump, when you look in the mirror as an American, you should be seeing at least part of Trump in your face somehow, because there's just this idea that- My face isn't that wide.

Your face is that wide. Who are you kidding? But in any case, there's this idea that – My face isn't that wide. Your face is that wide. All right. Who are you kidding? Yeah, all right. But in any case, there's this idea that we are sort of Trump. And I had said it on another show that Trump is America's id. He's the worst parts of us, the most reactionary parts of us. What do you think about Trump in comparison to Ben Carson? I think you're pretty spot on with that. When I first started hearing Trump, like everyone else, I thought he was a joke. I thought it was all laughter. I thought he was all

poe. The more he gained in the polls, when he would say the crazier stuff and he would go up in the polls, then I started thinking, you know, he's been friends with Bill and Hillary for years. Is this on purpose? Like, is he trying to really screw the Republican Party? And that thought actually crossed my mind at one point. And now when I look at him, there's so much sincerity on his screwed up face that I'm like, I'm officially terrified of this guy. Like, it actually worries me. And I think that's it. Look, people in this country like to think that something was taken from them. They like to feel like, man, I would have been successful if only this bastard didn't stop me, whoever it is. It's usually the government, right?

Yeah. Thanks, Obama. That's where all that came from, you know? Right. And so they like to think, man, I could be a billionaire too if Obama wasn't in my way. And so Trump sort of brings with him this idea that, you know what? We can make America great again. You can be a billionaire like me. Just put me in office and get this jackass out of the way. And crazy enough, the people who haven't really

been paying attention to politics or only watch Fox News and never fact check anything, they're really getting riled up because that's sort of the sentiment of people who were kind of ignorant about how things actually work. And sadly enough and scary enough, it's working for him. You know, I got to say, like, you know, part of what he what he seems to be playing into is this and i know i've talked about this a lot but it makes me fucking wild he's playing into this idea that people have where they want to be they want to be the underdog they want to be the victim even that phrase let's make america great again it

implies that america is not great now, right? But I'm sitting in a fucking climate-controlled room with a fucking big giant fat belly and a fucking glass of whiskey next to me. You know, like America's not Somalia, right? Like it's not – there are ups and downs. There are fluctuations in any nation's history and in any nation's trajectory in terms of its position as an economic and world power. And this idea that we're on this grand downslope, there is a narrative that they play into on the right that tries to really sell America on America's misfortune. sell America on America's misfortune, that tries to sell America on its position as some kind of global victim or one step away from some kind of national Armageddon. And it's this sort of like hyper-pathetic bullshit that it's so funny because it is antithetical to their bootstrap mentality, right?

That any man can be great if he only tries. And yet America is shit on the heel of the everyman. And that conflict is so evident and it's such nonsense. And it's at the heart of Trump's appeal. Oh, absolutely. I mean, Napoleon Bonaparte said, religion is great stuff for keeping common people quiet. Well, why is that?

Why is religion great for keeping common people quiet? Because of the fear aspect. So these Republicans know exactly how to get people to do what you want them to do. And whether it's religion, whether it's the GOP model, whether it's Trump or Rand Paul, it doesn't matter. It's fear mongering. That entire debate centered around terrorism, terrorism, and then terrorism and a little bit of Vladimir Putin and back to terrorism. I mean, it's all about I will keep your family safe. I will be tougher on the terrorists.

I will carpet bomb. I'll blow the shit out of them. I'll explode. I'll kill their families. It's like they're running to be Arnold Schwarzenegger for God's sakes. It's insane It's insane. It's not we need and the crazy part about is Jeb Bush kind of looks around everybody and goes Guys, we don't need a commando. We need a leader and he gets ignored on the stage, right? It's weird to me Well, they constantly attack Obama for this sort of same same sort of thing They say well what we need in there is a strong warrior. And you're like, you don't need a warrior, you need a delegator. If you're really going to go to war,

you need somebody who's going to be able to delegate that power to people who can actually do the job. Not, you know, we're not, Obama's not going to rappel into the middle of a group of people in Afghanistan and shoot a bunch of people with an M60 Rambobo style, like it's not going to happen. You just have to what you have to look at it.

You'll be like, OK, well, can he delegate? Can he figure out how to handle this sort of thing? And nobody understands that people are electing personalities. They're not electing people for a job anymore, for a job that requires a lot of shit to do. Instead, they're just like, well, who's going to be the best person to represent America? It's like America's, it's like a beauty pageant nowadays.

Well, I'm the guy that can do that. I built a great company. It's worth billions of dollars. That's exactly what he goes to every time. Anytime we're like, well, who can get our, they keep acting like our economy is in the shithole.

It's not. Yeah, right. Our economy is kind of in the glory hole. It's kind of awesome. No kidding, right? It's kind of growing right that's what i mean about this rush to victimhood though right because like there's no narrative that sells that says everything's humming along pretty nicely actually like they can't sell that shit they don't have anything they have no idea what to do with hey man things are better than they were eight years ago let's continue that trend right i mean that doesn't work for them instead they have to tell you like it's the fucking road

we're fucking we're 21 days away from eating babies like that's it's fucking ridiculous exactly i mean look you know i think it was bill maher who had that whole line where he was like republicans keep saying they want to take America back. Which back would you like to go to? And then he lists all these quick stats, right, about how shitty it was when Bush was in office and how much better everything is now. But the Republicans will attack Hillary and go, well, if you elect her, it's going to be four more years of Obama.

And I'm like, bring that shit on. Right. What's wrong with four more years of Obama? Fine, let's go. No, I What's wrong with four more years of Obama? Fine, let's go. No, I don't agree with everything the guy did, but I'm not going to agree with everything anybody does. But it's been a hell of a lot better these last eight years or less last seven years than it was with Bush in office. What do you think of the Democratic sign, David? I personally, my preference is Bernie Sanders. I'm going to get behind whoever the nominee is.

But whenever I go vote, I'm a registered Democrat. Whenever I go vote in the primary, I'm putting my vote toward Bernie. He's not the best on foreign policy, but I like where he's going with education. I like where he's going with the prison reform. That's something that's really important to me is redoing our corrections. We've got to kill those poor for-profit prisons. That's absolutely abhorrent. It's abhorrent that that happens. That's huge for me. And getting the money out of politics, which incidentally, Trump agrees with Bernie Sanders

on. Let's not forget that. Right. That's true. That's true. Trump for a long time was looked at as a secret Democrat. I mean, I know you alluded to this earlier. He has been friends of the Clintons. He has, you know, the Republican. He's not always been a loyal Republican. And the Republicans are terrified of him because the right would even like to suggest. And it's confusing in that way. And he was looked at when he initially began the ticket as kind of this dark horse candidate, almost like a Manchurian candidate. Definitely not dark. Let's not bring dark into this. Like a super pale horse.

Yeah, very pale horse. Like a pale, two-paid horse. Exactly. Like a My Little Pony sort of thing. With the thing. It's like a brony. It's got the thing hanging off the side. Yeah, definitely.

David, we want to thank you for coming on, but we also want to congratulate you one more time for organizing that much charity to go to Secular Student Alliance. It's great work you do. I know that you pass it off, but you and your team really did a hell of a lot of work for that, and we want to congratulate you. And to do that with only 48 volunteers.

I mean, my God, man. Imagine what you could do with 49. It's just outstanding. It's just amazing. Thank you guys so much for being a part of it, and to everybody who chipped in and helped with that, man. It was overwhelming to watch it happen. I'm a fan of the listener as they're building and building and growing and making this thing happen.

We put some work out there. We laid some groundwork. But again, we would have not been able to do that alone or without any of the listeners. Absolutely. Our hats off to everybody who took part in it. Right out to the listeners. And I just want to mention, too, I know you have us on, say, every year,

but if you wanted to have us on before the end of the year, we're available a lot. I'm just saying. I'm sorry, guys. I'm getting a really bad connection. Hey, you know what? I'll tell you when you'll have us on.

When we fly to Dallas. The words I could teach your 11-year-old daughter. Oh, yeah, I bet. What's fisting, Daddy? Oh, God. I'm out of here. You're like, it's hour 23 and the Cognitive Distance guys are just watching tentacle porn.

They brought their own 63-inch TV. They're just watching tentacle porn with my daughter. That's amazing. David, thanks for joining us, man. We appreciate it. Awesome. Thanks, bud. I would say it's always a pleasure, but I'd be lying.

Take care. say it's always a pleasure, but I'd be lying. Take that. So we want to thank our most current patrons, Jeff, Chris, Katie, Joe, Rosie, David, Steve, and Crunchy Frog. Thank you oh so very much for all

your generous donations. This last week, we just had David Smalley on, and as you know, we not only helped raise $5,300, $500 of that was show money that went to Secular Student Alliance, but we also gave $5,000 to Doctors Without Borders that couldn't have been done without the help of our patrons. You know, you're the ones who make this happen. And so we're just so overjoyed that people will give us their hard-earned dollars, and we hope that we can pass that on to other people. And in this case, we did.

We passed $500 on to Secular Student Alliance and $5,000 to Doctors Without Borders, and we're hoping to do even more this upcoming year in 2016. So last week's show was called Take My Boy. It turns out I spoiler alert the wrong thing. Oh. It's Take My Girl. Oh, did you really?

I've never fucking seen a soap opera. In any case, Take My Girl was the thing. But, you know, the thing is, it's Take My Girl, but they all live happily ever after anyway. Right. I mean, the whole... It's all happily ever after. The Holocaust is really just a giant love story.

Basically, it's like they all live happily ever after, Game of Thrones style. It's like, it's a nice day for a red wedding. So, I messed up last week and I missed this submission. And it's so good. It's one of the Jim Baker submissions. I missed it. It's Kevin's. I'm very sorry we missed it.

But here's Kevin's Jim Baker submission. I admitted that I've had 15 to 20 minute homosexual relationship. After I got out of prison, I was having a rubdown in a locker room where there was naked men. Start out at the top. I want them to get bigger and bigger. Keep keeping on top of me. Gave him a homosexual look.

And I know he did because I was standing right next to him. Really, I'm guilty of everything that I'm accused of. That's awesome. That is outstanding. It's outstanding. If I would have heard that last week, it probably would have been a winner. I'm guilty of everything that I'm accused of. That's awesome. That is outstanding. It's outstanding. If I would have heard that last week, it probably would have been a winner. I'm very sorry. Very sorry, Kevin, but it turned out great.

This upcoming week, we're going to be opening up the show, the Atheist Apocalypse show, so tune in to Atheist Apocalypse this week. They're going to be starting out the show with our bumper. Isn't that crazy? I think that's great. We got a message. This is from Duff. Duff says, given all the fat jokes, you totally missed an opportunity when Tom said he would bust through the wall,

the drywall. I missed the opportunity of saying, yeah, but you wouldn't have fit because the studs are 16 inches center. That's fucking awesome. That is a great joke. I'd break through the fucking studs if 16 inches center. That's fucking awesome. That is a great joke. I'd break through the fucking studs if I need to. I don't give a shit. That building's on fire.

Yeah. I'll knock that fucking building down. So we got a message from a lot of different people last week. We received a message at the beginning of the show, and I played it, and it was from someone who wanted to let us know that Jesus abolished all the old laws. We got a ton of messages from people that said

no, that's not how that works. So I'll let you all fight about that. I just played it because it was a clear voicemail. Somebody asked us on Twitter they're like, you need to vet your emails, your voicemails better. I don't vet them. I don't even I don't, somebody asked us on Twitter, they're like, you need to vet your emails, your voicemails better. I don't vet them. I don't even, I don't, I don't fact check the voicemails.

I just play them if they, if they are clear. So I don't care. I don't care as much. So, uh, if they're clear and they're short, they probably get played. We got an interesting message about training for police officers, Tom. We did. I thought this was very interesting. So, you know, the nutshell version of this email is that in the UK, they do this crazy shit.

They train their police. Wow. I know. Like, for like a long time. And, you know, in this email, she says, And, you know, in this email, she says, I have a couple of good friends in the U.K. More than once they've told me they compared to officers there. Police in the U.S. are terrifyingly poorly trained. About a year ago, I found a page where a retired officer from the Reno Police Department answered a posted question.

How do U.K. police compare to U.S. police? He goes quite in-depth into the difference in things like training, command structure, and duties. One of the things that really blew me away was a video that included showing a UK officer taking their pursuit driver final exam, where they must drive through open public roadways at speed for 20 to 30 miles, all while giving their instructor a verbal play-by-play of what they're doing and why. The retired officer notes, and I have to agree, the fact that the British even tolerate this is a testimonial to the level of confidence and support they have for their police. This is just for the officer to

be allowed to even be assigned a vehicle that can drive at sustained highway speeds like the Highway Patrol has in the U.S. And she goes on to say, like, look, I mean, the difference is basically the U.K. is a size of a small postage stamp and is functionally irrelevant, whereas the United States actually has some size to it and you can accelerate to 70 miles an hour before reaching the opposite end. So...

It's interesting. We got a bunch of messages like this, though, and someone else had sent a message in and said that they were talking about how often people shoot themselves, like cops shoot themselves because somebody had talked about that last time. They're like, yeah, no, that happens all the time

and the police officers, they have to train them not to shoot themselves. yeah, police training, that's a thing. Turns out, should be useful. Don't shoot yourself! The fucking pointy end with the hole? Don't point that at the fleshy bits that are you. Wow.

Well, we are going to be, this is going to be no show this week, except for this show, right? So there's going to be no Christmas show. We're not going to release on Thursday. So Merry Christmas to everybody. No, fuck that. Have a shitty Christmas. Enjoy your Christmas.

All right, you're going to have a good Christmas. And on the day after Christmas, we're going to be recording with Eli, Noah, and Heath, hopefully, as long as that stays through. And we're going to be going on a show called God Awful Movies. We are. It's going to be a lot of fun. So that should be a lot of fun. We had a blast recording with Eli, and of course we love recording with Noah and Heath.

They are great guys, and so we really enjoy recording with them, so that should be a good time, and we will hopefully have a show that we will let you know about when it comes time. Dude. That means I got to watch a movie. Yeah, we totally have to watch a movie.

And it's like a rapey movie, too. What am I going to... How am I going to watch that? I don't even know how I'm going to get it. It's like a... Isn't it Netflix-y? No, it's not Netflix-y. Is it YouTube's?

Well, you got a Netflix-y, meaning DVD. I'm going to have to buy it somewhere. I don't know. Fuck, what? Yeah, I don't know. I got to buy it. I don't know. I'll get it, and maybe you could come over and watch it or something. I'm going to have to buy it somewhere. I don't know. Fuck, what? I got to buy it. I'll get it and maybe you can come over and watch it or something. I don't want to watch it at all. I don't want to watch

it at all either, but we're on the show. Why did we agree to this? So anyway, Merry Christmas. The day after Christmas I got to watch a fucking Christian rapey movie? Oh, you'll probably have to watch it before Christmas. Maybe you can watch it Christmas night. In any case, we're going to leave you like we always do with...

Where's my drink? Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo quasi-alternative, acupunctuating,

pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands.

Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. Poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Outro Music