Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 268: General Portability of Hats

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey, uh, just figured I'd call. You know what I noticed? Every time you guys say something to David Smalley that he doesn't like, or anybody else doesn't like, um, this is exactly what he does. This is my impression of David Smalley

not liking when somebody is saying something to him that displeases him by the way I'm going to do this for another hour, so feel free to cut it out right here. Hey, Tom and Cecil. Godless G here. I'm Scottish, and as such, I'm often told that I don't speak English properly. And as such, I'm often told that I don't speak English properly. But unlike you Chicago-Oriens, nailed it, I can pronounce Muslim. Yes, it's Muslim, not Muslim.

It's fucking Muslim. Hooray-ho, you murky, murky, murderous motherfuckers. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance In Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence. Too many topics that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat.

This is episode 268. This is our just barely post-Christmas episode, my friend. Pre-God Awful Movies. I know. Well, and let me say, if you are not planning to listen to the God Awful Movies recording, which we are going to do in naught but one hour, I strongly suggest that you listen because we suffered people we suffered I'm not going to go into it a lot but I will say that movie was clearly one of the worst things I've ever sat through ever

and we watched a lot of bad movies for everyone's credit I would watch Fireproof twice Fireproof was a fucking cinematic masterpiece I would jerk off to Fireproof I did jerk off to Fireproof I I did jerk off to Fireproof. But I would do it again. I was jerking off to the ads that he was jerking off to on Fireproof.

When he threw his computer. What do you remember? It's like, I'm so mad. I can't. He tried to kick the guy. I'm just kidding. He hurt his foot. I know.

It's so funny. That movie was genius. That's amazing. Yeah, but it's that bad. The movie that we're going to be reviewing is a movie called Loving the Bad Man. Oh, God. I had to rent it on Amazon Prime. Dude, it was on Netflix, bro.

Was it on Netflix? It was on Netflix. It was streaming on Netflix? Yeah, I watched it on Netflix. I looked it up the other day, and it was not on Netflix. It was a DVD send me on Netflix. No, I streamed the fuck out of that thing. Oh, I missed it.

I missed it. Because I looked at it. I was like, $1.99? And then I checked, and it was American money? And I was like, what? No. I paid $1.99. I missed it. Because I looked at it and I was like, $1.99? And then I checked and it was American money and I was like, what? No! Yeah, I paid $1.99. I watched it on Amazon Prime. Because here's the thing about the $1.99 is that gas is about $1.99 and I could have taken that gas,

poured it over my fucking head and lit myself on fire and it would have been less painful than watching that fucking movie. So at that point, I actually had a hard choice to make. I'll tell you what. I can't believe I spent the money. I looked for it the other day. I looked for it two weeks because I

watched it ahead of time. I did too. Okay. Last night. Admittedly. At like 12. In any case, I was like, oh, I'll watch it. But then I decided to watch it weeks ago. And I watched it. But at that point, it was send me a DVD. And I'm not on the send me a DVD plan anymore.

So did you have to sign up for the send me a DVD plan? No, I paid $2 for streaming on Amazon Prime. Oh, right. We were just talking about that. And I was like, here's the thing. I didn't care when you started saying it. I understand. I understand.

I'm used to this. I'm used to it. God awful movies, though. It should be a lot of fun. It should be great. I had a friend ask me yesterday, so you guys are going to rail against this movie. Is somebody going to defend it? And I couldn't stop laughing at the notion that somebody could defend that movie.

I thought we could get fucking Stephen Baldwin on the line. Puffy Baldwin? I know, dude. He looks like stung by a bee, Baldwin. He looks like anaphylactic shock, Baldwin. He has like his eyes. He's got like that weird face fat that eats your eyes. It does his shrinking face disease.

You worry like, can he see to drive? What's going on? What is happening? You only see like the tiniest bit of his mouth hole when he opens it. I mean, you see that guy and you just think like, you're the shame of the Baldwin. I know. He's the lesser Baldwin. And imagine being the lesser Baldwin.

You know what I mean? That's like being the fucking shame of your own nutsack. It's like nothing down here is good anyway. It's like being the lesser shame of your own nutsack. It's like nothing down here is good anyway. It's like being the lesser Gacy. Right. It's like everybody in the Dahmer household is just like, oh, Jeff's coming for dinner.

I'm like, fuck. Is he cooking? No? Alright. Because the Bible says that this is what you're supposed to be spending your time on. You say, well, I have all these other important things. Well, what does the Bible say is important? Feeding and clothing your family is what this woman is spending her time on. You say, well, I have all these other important things. Well, what does the Bible say is important? Feeding and clothing your family is what this woman is spending her time on. She's getting up early to make food. She's making clothes. She's making, I mean, that's what, look, am I making this stuff up? I mean, that's what the

time's going into. And so if this is not what your time is going into, ladies, you need to reevaluate, you know, the time that you're putting into your household. That's your main job. So our first story comes from the raw story. Evangelical couple begs God to strike critics dead over child abuse claims. You know, before we even jump into this story, though, that's biblical. To wish your fucking enemies dead and shit it's perfectly theologically consistent right because that's like that's what god did in the whole old testament

you'd be like fuck this sucks super bad bro and god would be like i got your back if you're a jew and then it's swing down and he fucks some shit up right that was his thing he was a he was a vengeance war god exactly he was that was his thing. He was a vengeance war god. Exactly, he was. That was his whole shtick. Unless you had chariots of iron. Right, and then he was just like, oh, anyway, I got a hair appointment up in heaven. I'm really busy helping

the not-Jews. He's like, I'll fuck you up. Wait, wait, fuck. Iron? Iron's my kryptonite. No, it's iron. Fuck. Okay, I still gotta go. Iron's my ironite. I wasn't anticipating that when I actually put the iron on the earth. Whoopsie.

I knew I shouldn't have created iron ore as the basic core material for the foundation of our planet. He would have been fine against like hematite. Right? And they'll shatter. Yeah, they're not resilient at all. No worries. Or cast iron. It's like, they're too heavy.

The horses die trying to pull them. Big iron. Yeah. The horse goes. I mean, can you imagine what that would weigh? A whole chariot made out of cast iron? You've got to do more horses that way. God.

So this is great though, because my first thought, like when I read the article, it's like evangelical couple begs God to strike critics dead over child abuse claims. I thought, man, hearts and minds. Like, that's how you win them over. It is. You know? It is. So, we've talked about these asswipes before.

So, these are the shitheads that are all about that train up a child book. Sure. Yeah, yeah. They're advocates of... Beating children to death. Beating children. Right. To death.

To death. To death on occasion. To death. Well, with implementsating children. Right. To death. To death. To death on occasion. To death. With implements. Yeah. Right? They actually, the book, To Train Up a Child, evidently recommends specifically which tools around the house you fashion into a child beatinator.

Sure. Yeah. And sometimes it isn't to death. Sometimes it's just to, until Department of Family Services takes your children away. Right. Right. Because you beat them. You beat them until that. Yeah, right.

Sure. And, you know, when I think about that, too, when I think about, like, reading a book that tells me, like, what to go out of my garage to get to beat my kid, my first thought there is this is a missed marketing opportunity because I'll buy that shit. You know, I'll be like, you should have a whole series to train up a child beating rods available for sale. You're missing your market.

That's what I mean. That's brilliant. It's like you buy the book, you buy the rod. I mean, it's just a whole. You can even do an as seen on TV. That's it. You buy one rod, you get the second one free just in case you break the first one. Think of the TV spinoff series.

You ever see that like Scared Straight and Beyond Scared Straight? Oh, yeah, yeah. They could have a beaten straight, and it works in so many directions, actually. And so you get a kid, and the kid's like, I'm super gay! Right. Or the kid's like, I told Mom I wanted food.

You're like, fuck you! And then they come in, but you've got to have a control group because science right? Yeah, absolutely. You come in and the one kid's like, I'll drop my teddy bear. It's like, fuck, beat him. And then they run in and they hit him with whatever like around the house, but it's not effective because they're just like

scrambling and the kid's running away and it's like, ah, there's got to be a better way, you know? And then it like switches over. He knocks the soda over. It just falls and the dad's looking at it like, oh! Dog's barking. It's just chaos in the house.

And then all you find is like a pillow, you know, a throw pillow. And you're hitting the kid and he thinks it's a game. He's hilarious. I'm trying to beat my kid. He's not disciplined at all, you know? And then like there's like a cut scene. I don't even know what this thing is at the end of my arm that I can't hit it with. What do I do with these things?

These flip flappers? And then there's a cutscene. He opens the packaging. He's like, shink! It's like a case of emergency beat with this, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah. And then it's a nice sturdy beating stirrup or whatever you have. It's like a switch. You know, the same thing, right? It's the same

kid. And the kid's just like, I like Pokemon! That's the devil! And you grab the thing, you're like a switch. You know, the same thing, right? It's the same kid. The kid's just like, I like Pokemon. That's the devil. And you grab the thing. You're like, boom, boom. And the kid, you just watch him die on stage. He either dies or cries. Or his little spirit breaks. He cries until he goes unconscious. Right. Yeah. And then you could even CGI the death of his spirit.

You know? Inside. It's just what an opportunity lost. I think you're missing a lot of this. i want to read part of this article too out loud out loud i'm gonna cry this is this is a quote from the person and this is so it's not just to train up a child stuff it's also misogynist shit so here's the misogynist yeah from the book created to be his help meat god made you to be a help meat. I don't know what a help meat. Help meat. That's delicious meat.

It's M-E-E-T, though. It's delicious. I'll still eat it. You'll still eat it with the roast. The A's out of place. The A's not there. You'll still eat it. I'll still eat it.

Look, if it says meat, here's the thing. It's talking about women, and I'll eat that. It's talking about women. And I'll eat that. So it says, God made you to be a help meat to your husband so you can bolster him, making him more productive and efficient at whatever he chooses to do. You are not on the board of directors with an equal vote. I can't believe that's fucking written down somewhere.

You have no authority to set the agenda, but he can trust you. He will make you his closest advisor, his confidant, his press secretary, his head of state, his vice president, his ambassador, his public relations expert, maybe even a speech writer, all at his discretion. And at the very least, you can hope that maybe he's going to make you his Monica Lewinsky, depending on your gag reflex. Because if your gag reflex is really good, you could be an intern. Right. You know. You could be his humidor. I'll tell you what. I pull cigars out of his humidor, and they're soggy as fuck.

That's all I'm saying. What is going on? Soggy as fuck. This is vastly more humid than anticipated. It's like the humidity is like 100%! I will still smoke this cigar. 100%! I am not saying no, but I am cringing

just a little bit. This was a Cuban. And she was a Cuban. Now it's a Puerto Rican. Oh, God. Oh, man. I love this other part, too, where it says, and this is talking about these bad people that they hate. We can ignore the dogs of this world who rally against Christians, but sometimes the dogs come dressed in sheep's clothing.

It's very sad and troubling when dogs wear Christian faces. That is a horror movie. When they saw the faces of them, and they're all strapped to the dog face, and they run around. The dog's running around. I saw that one. That one gave me nightmares.

It's a good one. You know, I read this article, and I'm like, who's surprised that they're like, man, somebody should kill these people that are exposing the shitty, awful stuff we do. That's like your only defense. It's like a mob defense. You know what I mean?

Funny like a clown? Like, how? How am I funny? You fucking asshole. Yeah, we're going to Joe Pesci. We want God to Joe Pesci these guys. God just is like, you go to get in your car, and God is in the back seat with an ice pick.

And you're just like, ugh. Eight saints in a duffel bag. Lock, stock, and two smoking angels. Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic, because a fox often appears on Donald Trump's head. Right wing watch. Trump. Trump is weighing in.

It took some time. It took some time because I don't think he gives a fuck about religion at all. I don't think this guy gives two shits about religion or religiosity. I think all he's doing is just pandering to a base. It's so funny to watch what he does and watch how he talks to people and watch how he interacts with people. And watch people like, I mean, they're like magnetically attracted to his fucking knob. They're like, fucking glue that shit to the back of my throat and cum in my fucking intestines. They fucking love this guy.

Is it going to teleport past the stomach right into the intestines? Boom, he shoots it that hard. I was going to say, because you either got to shoot it that hard or if the dick is that long, it's going to get... It's fucking Trump's dick, dude. It's going to get burned a little in the stomach, right?

Yeah, it's unpleasant. I mean, I'd still do it, but it sounds unpleasant. I got acid reflux on my shaft. Jesus. Here's Trump. Well, Tony, I can tell you this,

that religious liberty is very important to me, and I see more and more, especially in particular, Christianity. Christians, their power is being taken away. Their powers are being taken away? Yeah, you know, it used to be they could fly. Christian power? Activate! Right.

You know, I remember. Form of? Crucified guy? Like, that's the worst. That's a terrible one. That's the thing. It's like your superpower is to be tortured To die and then three days later you're back. Well, can't I skip the first half form of victimize my minority?

My majority right Form of holy hands you just shoot lasers out of the holes in your fucking palms No, you hold them up to the Sun so you could see an eclipse I just shoot lasers out of the holes in your fucking palms? No, you hold them up to the sun so you can see an eclipse. There you go. I could put magnifying glasses in these and burn some ants. You know, I just watch it and I get angry at it, but you look at what's going on with other religions, you look at as an example, you know, what's happening with respect to Muslims and others

where perhaps they just band together better or something. But, you know, the Christian every year, you see it more and more. You know, you go from one thing to the next to a point where it's not politically correct to say Merry Christmas to anybody. What? What are you talking? It's fucking, that is the, it's so boring at this point. And nothing even materialized this year. Like of all the anti, you know, nothing materialized because it's so boring.

Have you ever been offended? We've talked about this. Nobody we know has ever been offended by a Merry Christmas. I find it weird to be offended by Christmas in general. It's just Christmas. It's fucking, you get a day off. Everybody feels generally happy. You get to fucking see your family if you want or whatever.

I went grocery shopping in a Santa suit the other day. Because it was funny. It was probably awesome, too. It was super funny. Like, I wore the whole Santa suit and just walked around the grocery store grocery shopping. I love it. That shit was funny. I don't think Santa's real.

I'm not like, oh, we're Santa. You know. But that's a bunch of, the thing is, I don't think Christmas's real. I'm not like, you know. That's a bunch of, the thing is, I don't think Christmas is real, but I could fucking I don't think the fucking pilgrims and the fucking Plymouth Rock people all got together and fucking hugged each other and had a fucking big old feast.

I still like Thanksgiving. You know what I mean? I still celebrate Easter in some ways. I'll go visit people on Easter. Sure. So, you know, the idea that, you know, I mean? I still celebrate Easter in some ways. I'll go visit people on Easter. Sure. So, you know, the idea that, you know, I'm fucking completely not religious. I don't pay any attention to that shit, but I still enjoy Christmas. I enjoy the Christmas season.

It's the day after Christmas you came to my house with gifts. Right. I then gave you gifts. Right. Right. Like, we like, Christmas feels good. It feels good to be like, hey, you're somebody in my life I care about. Here's an expression of the fact that I care about you. It doesn't matter if you're fucking not religious or religious or whatever.

It's perfectly politically correct to say Merry Christmas. There's never, people, my fucking boss says Merry Christmas to me. My boss says a lot of politically incorrect shit, though, so maybe that's not the right example. I say it all the time to everybody. Who doesn't say it? I don't even say the happy holidays thing. I go out of my way to say Christmas, because it's fucking Christmas, man. I'm not celebrating holidays.

I'm celebrating Christmas. I think I do occasionally say happy holidays, because I'm just like, I don't know, I'm going to go with happy holidays. It covers the whole gamut. You know what I mean? It covers New Year's. That's totally fine. You're in a totally different position than I am.

But I also feel like when I say happy holidays, it's because I'm probably going to forget to say happy New Year to you. It might also be. You're including Christmas in that. You just happen to be cutting out or adding in other stuff. Happy holidays is not fuck off Christmas, right? Happy holidays is

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and if there's something else in there that interests you you're welcome to it too. National Masturbation Day? I love that day. I call that the days. You go to stores and you don't ever see the word Christmas anymore. You don't see that anymore, Tony.

One of the things I always say, and I say it lightheartedly, but I mean it. It's actually not supposed to be so lighthearted. And I get standing ovations, especially in Iowa and certain places. Especially in Iowa and other places where they suck my fucking mascaras running. Hang on a minute. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look.

Fucking Jesus Christ. Fucking hold me upside down and I'll fucking suck that cock. Fucking ridiculous. No one can hold you upside down. Are you kidding? You need a fork truck and then they need to fucking scissor you somehow. The fork truck needs a fork truck. And then they got to put a weight on the back of the fork truck.

It's easier to get Donald upside down. Fair enough. All right, you got me. Fair enough. I can't even stand on my own two feet. We are going to start saying Merry Christmas again. Because you go into these stores, you don't see anything having to do with Christmas. Didn't you just say that?

And it wasn't true then. Right? And plus, these are private institutions. These aren't public institutions. You go into a store, the store can say whatever the fuck it wants. The store, let us not forget, is a store. It exists not to be fucking full of Christmas. It exists so that you show up to it and they get your money. Money, money, money, money, money, money. Give me the money. This is a guy who understands that. This is a guy who understands that shit.

It's the same thing with all private entities that want to have, whether they say Christmas or not, or whether they put a flag on the window that says, gay people welcome here, like they had to do in other counties in parts of Indianapolis. When they were bitching back and forth, they had that flag that said, all are welcome here or whatever. That's a choice by that business. Now, it may be a moral choice by the people who are involved in that business. Maybe. Maybe. It may also be just a fucking monetary choice. They don't give a fuck about

whether or not you're gay. They just want to make money. Right. Look, man, when you have fucking Santa Claus sitting at Bass Pro Shops and you can bring your kids for a picture and it's free and all that, it's not because Bass Pro Shops actually gives two flying mother fucks about Christmas or Santa Claus

or your shitty little fucking kid. All they want you to do is show up and spend money. It's a marketing game. Buy a fucking lure. What are you doing? You asshole. Bass boats for everybody, bitches.

That's what it's about. This year I'd like a bass boat and a shotgun. You already got a shotgun, Timmy. You shoot your mother's eye out. You know, it's disgraceful, frankly, as far as I'm concerned. And that's the way it should be, and I feel strongly about it. Yeah, and I think that's another area where you are connecting with conservative voters.

area where you are connecting with conservative voters. There was a poll out this week by Rasmussen that showed that among adults with school-aged children at home, 82% favor celebrating Christmas in public schools. They already do! They all do! It's a fucking national

holiday! They celebrate Christmas and what do you want them to go to school on Christmas? My kid gets like fucking 93 weeks off in a row for Christmas. He's off for like seven years for Christmas. Christmas vacation, it starts like immediately, like the day after school begins, and he's off the whole year. He goes to school for 10 minutes. That's how long Christmas fucking break feels.

As soon as he's conceived. Right. It's Christmas break. It's fucking bullshit. I went as he is conceived. Right. He just goes to his break. It's fucking bullshit. I went to a school program. They sang. They did a Christmas thing with Battle of the Bulge reenactment. It was super weird. It was in October.

They sang Silent Night. They sang Silent Night. Then they sang Have a Holly Jolly Christmas. It couldn't have been any more Christmas themed if they fucked the baby Jesus. Is that Christmas? That's the Christmas spirit?

Well, you can't fuck him if he's not there. I drilled a hole in the baby Jesus. I came on his halo. That's overwhelming. When you could reach something at 80%,

that's almost universal. 61% of those same parents believe there should be more religion the christian religion in those schools okay if it's a public school go fuck yourself right you can't have it you already get the holiday off you have you have as tom said seven years to educate your kid while he's on break. Spend every day beating him with the Bible. It's so nonsensical, right? Because it's like, well, we want our kids to go to school

and have Christian stuff. And 61%, which is barely most of it, right? Because then clearly 39% are like, mm, totes not do that. But fuck you, 39%, which is not insubstantial number of parents. But we want it to be Christian and it's like, then you would have to immediately ask the next

question. Well, which Christianity? Even if you all agreed, even if we all said, okay, terrible idea, it fucking shits on 39% of the wishes of the parents that are at the school. It accomplishes nothing. You already get the time off. You already get a holiday program. Probably everybody already has

a Christmas party in class because every class I've ever been to and probably you've ever been to and every class my kids have ever been to has always had a holiday party a christmas party at school all of that still happens but still you would then have to say okay well we're gonna do christianicity or whatever in school today and somebody be like i'm catholic i'm baptist i'm evangelical i handle snakes and somebody be like well time to fucking subdivide or piss them off. It doesn't work. It just doesn't work. And there's no reason for it. And I mean, there's one major split, and that's the Catholics with the Protestants.

I mean, there's one major split right there. Right. That you can't look at these people and say, oh, well, it's all just Christian. We're all just going to teach them Christian. It doesn't work. It's a bridge too far. And, like, you know, the Methodists and the fucking Southern Baptists, they wouldn't get along either. And the fucking, you know, United Church of Christ kids would be like, that's fucking real weird.

And then the super fundy people would be like, let's all read the Bible and feel sad all day. You know, it's funny. None of it works. What about using the reverse psychology stuff that the Church of Satan does? So instead of pushing for people to stop doing stuff like this, shouldn't we be pushing for them to start doing something like this so that they can see the error in the way?

Yeah, right. So you can say, look, you're right. Let's make them Christian schools, okay? Every school should have Christianity what's the curriculum? tell me the curriculum right now which is the curriculum? we have to decide on it nationally

the way that conversation breaks down though it has to break down by saying we're going to decide on it on a national level because otherwise pockets will be predominantly Southern Baptist or pockets will be predominantly whatever and then they'll be like, great. We, you know, the majority of the people in fucking, you know, Ogden, Texas or whatever

God forsaken hole in the ground, David Smalley mentioned previously, like they'll all be like, yeah, fucking let's do our pig farm version of Christianity, whatever garbage it is, you know, so you got to do it nationally. So the conversation breaks down, you know, on larger terms. But somehow that's been lost on the media and the cultural elite. And it appears that you have tapped into that, which is why I believe your numbers continue to not, they're not stagnant. They continue to rise, even in the midst of being attacked. I mean, how do you explain that? I mean, you've been attacked by the media, You've been attacked by other candidates.

But your numbers haven't gone down. Right. They've actually gone way up because, you know, the new polls are coming out in the 40s now, 42, 41. And I'm doing, you know, the new public policy polling just came out highly respected. And that just came out where I'm leading Iowa. Wait, what? What? Wait, what? What? Wait, what?

The best part is he's talking on an old-timey phone. Dio's crazy. He's gotta be talking on an old-timey phone for it to make that sound, right? I don't think mine makes that sound. You put a headset on. You're on the radio. Look, I'm on calls. I'm probably on the phone two and a half hours a day.

I fucking wear a headset. He just told the operator, press seven during the call to let her know that I need to let him go. Beatrice, connect me with Alex Jones. Can you get me or whoever the fucking dipshit fuck what we're talking about.

They're all the same. Also, as you know, I'm leading Iowa in the ESPN. ESPN? Please say ESPN poll. I'm beating them in the ESPN. I'm beating the Hawkeyes. Look, it's the Donald, right? Look, I'm so good.

I'm winning the sports games, whatever they are. I'm winning them. I don't even care. ESPN, they fucking love me on SportsCenter. It's all just clips of me. I would keep talking, but my dick is climbing near my mouth. I've got to suck it, all right? I've just got to suck it real quick.

In the CNN poll, the CNN poll just came out, you know, a week ago, a week and a half ago, and it was bleeding by 13 points. I'm at 33 to 20 for Ted Cruz. And, you know, I just think that it's a natural constituency for me somehow. What is? What's a natural constituency for me somehow. What is? What's a natural constituency for you? Like racist white people? Like that's your natural constituency?

Like I just think fucking dipshits in Iowa, a bunch of fucking corn dwellers in Iowa fucking gobbing together their shit-filled mud huts. Corn dwellers. They like all sort of weave their way out of the cornfields in order to... They just... What they do is they set up one voting booth right next to the field. And they just...

And you leave it alone. You just walk away. And it's like signs. It's like they just... They just move their way out. And then they go as quickly as they can into the booth. And then, like, chuds. They run as quickly as they can back into the corn so they never have to see the light of day.

Jesus Christ. Bunch of fucking blonde Malachi kids fucking climbing out of the fucking corn. Fucking let's go vote with our sickles in our hands, you fucking red-eyed lunatics. This isn't a fucking John Carpenter movie. That's your constituency. This isn't a fucking John Carpenter movie. That's your constituency. But, you know, when I see coaches being fired and suspended because they're having a prayer for football players,

their players are grabbing each other's hand and praying before or after a game, and they suspend the coach or fire the coach in some cases, I say that's not happening in my... If I get in, that's not happening, Tony. How the fuck are you going to stop an institute? You don't get to be the president and be like, hey, so-and-so

state, don't do that. The thing is, what he's saying is look, these schools have gotten in trouble, and then he misinterprets what actually happened. It's not that the students were praying. Students have always been able to engage in student-led prayer. Before games, after games, during games, while being tackled, whatever. It doesn't matter.

You fucking pray while banging away at the cheerleaders. Nobody can stop you. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Right? Oh, Jesus, please let her go down. Anyway, all of that shit is acceptable to when the coaches initiate, right? Because the coach represents the institution, which is a state-sponsored institution. Depending on the institution.

I mean, you could do a fucking BYU. Nobody gives a fuck, right? You should do it or you're fired at BYU, right? But he doesn't understand. He thinks that as a president, he could just look at it and be like, I can make that stop. I'll just call the fucking school and let them know that I disprove as a poofy-haired president. Yeah, right? Sorry, buddy.

Hang on a minute. That's not going to happen with my fucking reign in town. Let me get my orange skin involved. If he was president and your work somehow got into the limelight and you were the person he called, and he was the president of the United States and he wanted to tell you how displeased he was that you weren't doing X. Would you fucking listen to that for more than a second? No. I'd be like, fucking, seriously, go fuck yourself.

Right. No. Here, eat my ass, asshole. How's that? You fucking douchebag. You're fired, motherfucker. This guy looks like the guy off Nutcracker. It's awesome. This is terrific.

He's like Jerry from Tom and Jerry when he wore the little fucking like Shriner cap. Yeah, doesn't he look like that? God damn, this is the most fucking bedazzled motherfucker I have ever seen. I've never seen anybody like this. This guy is terrific. I love this. He's the Sultan of Brunei.

Wait, okay. It is fucking 2015. Nearly 16 and we have sultans? The only sultans we should have are Dire Straits Sultan of Swain. That's it. That's all we should have. We should never have any other sultans other than those sultans. This, like, reminds me of Temple of Doom. Like, I feel like this guy is going to be, a monkey brains, you know, like sitting around.

Try the monkey brains, Mr. Jones. Baby eels. Like, it's just, it's crazy. It's a whole different world. Look at the second picture. Look at the second picture. They got the fucking, they got the princess from Neverending Story there, like, and they're like giving her a fucking tip tap on her head.

And everything's covered in, look at that chair behind them. It's covered in gold. It's covered in gold. It's covered in gold. Everything is like, it's like they went to the fucking dollar, or like the thrift store,

bought a bunch of shit, and were like, can we make this tackier? What can we do to make this fucking tackier? The pictures of them are absolutely outrageous. It looks like,

you know, they look like dignitaries from a Wes Anderson film. Yeah, they do! Because scroll down to the one where it's like the two ladies and the two dudes standing there. It looks like a Wes Anderson movie. Does he have a sword? Yeah. He's just standing there with a sword.

Like, it's just crazy. This is fucking insane. There's clearly a quirky love triangle going on there. Well, there's four of them. Who's left out? That's the fucking... Yeah, we're going to have a... How would that feel? Hey, we're going to have quirky love triangle going on there. Well, there's four of them. Who's left out? That's the fucking, yeah, we're going to have a love. How would that feel? Hey, we're going to have a love triangle.

If you could get drinks. We're going to have you set up the camera. Right. It's like, all right, well, it's going to get weird, but I'm willing to play. It's a love quadrangle. All right. All right. If you could just man the fishbowl.

We haven't even started talking about this. We've only talked about the person's look. I can't. What else? The man wears a fez. Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan of Brunei bans Christmas because it could damage. How do you do that?

It's because his heart is two sizes too small. That was my tweet. Did you tweet that? That's what I tweeted. That was my tweet. That's terrific. Sultan of Brunei bans Christmas, quote, because it could damage the faith of Muslims. The tiny conservative nation of Borneo warns its citizens, I don't know how, like what,

through smoke signals? They have one megaphone. Like I said, hey guys! They have a town crier. That's it. Hear ye, hear ye, the Sultan of Brunei, in his infinite wisdom and silly hat. He wants me to play this music. Ba-ba-da-da-dum-bum-bum-bum-bum.

He has decided that Christmas is not Christmas. It is another thing. Christmas is now outlawed here in Borneo. In Borneo. I can't even say that without laughing. Fucking people in Borneo were like, we didn't have money for gifts anyway. We live in Borneo. In Borneo? I can't even say that without laughing. Fucking people in Borneo were like, we didn't have money for gifts anyway. We live in Borneo. If we had any money, we'd live in other than

Borneo. Yeah, so anyway, he banned public celebrations of Christmas, warning that putting up festive decorations or singing carols could threaten the Muslims' faith. Man, if I'm like, oh man, I super believe in Allah. Seems like, I read that book. That's the way to go. Then somebody's like, jingle bells if I'm like, oh, man, I super believe in Allah. It seems like I read that book.

That's the way to go. Then somebody's like, jingle bells. You're like, fuck. No, I'm Christian. Stop. No. Well, laughing all the way, Allah was never real to start with. Oh, my God.

Not a leader. I literally cannot make decisions for myself. It's true, man. How weak is your religion if you can't withstand the religious culture of another religion? Dude, it's Jenga. Yeah. Right?

It's Jenga. And somebody's like, hey, hey, hey, we wish you a merry... The whole thing falls over. The whole thing falls. Yeah, exactly. It's it. I do love this guy's... Everything about this guy, though.

It's just he wants to ban Christmas, so there's no Christmas at all. And we're talking about, he says, during Christmas celebrations, Muslims following that religious act, such as using their religious symbols like a cross, lighting candles, making Christmas trees, singing religious songs, sending Christmas greetings, using signs praising the religion, putting up decorations or creating sounds, and doing anything that amounts to respecting their religion are against the Islamic faith. So fun.

So fun. Those Muslims fucking know how to jam. What a great, you know what? You know, maybe you could invent a faith where somebody didn't feel miserable all the time following it. What an asshole, too. This guy's so fucking rich, he shits gold coins, right? Right. And he's like, oh, he's like the goose that lays the golden eggs.

Right. This guy has so much fucking money, doesn't know what to do with it, but nobody else can have a good time. Yeah, well, you can't create sounds. Creating sounds, man. Like, what does that even mean? He's not even saying singing. Like, you can't even, like, fart in the tune of fucking Jingle Bells. Like, ah!

They're just, like, beating you up. It's crazy. What's happening? It's like that asshole on the bad Robin Hood, Kevin Costner movie who, like, and cancel Christmas! But you can't cancel an idea. Like Christmas is not, it's not like you can be like, it's not like, well, somebody stopped the assembly line of Christmas and somebody is going to be like, oh man, there's no more

Christmases for sale. If you wanted to have Christmas, you were like in your house, you're like, hey, Merry Christmas. I mean, you can just get away with that shit. You know, the thing is, is like, Christmas is a pretty garish holiday, though. It is. It's not like you can just, I mean... But you could secret Christmas.

You have like your Christmas tree in a closet that you open up. It's like, you put your weed in there, man. Like, that's all it is. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com.

Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743 six eight two eight do you want to support the show go to patreon.com that's p-a-t-r-e-o-n.com forward slash dissonance pod or click the link on the podcast home page and you can donate to the production of cognitive dissonance on a per episode basis if you can spare any money, take a second to give us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole

to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. So Cecil, you know, recently we raised a bunch of money for some good causes. We did. And we were able to donate $5,000 of our own money to Doctors Without Borders. Right.

We raised $5,300, $5,500, I think. $300. It was $300. Okay, $5,400. It was $4,800. You're right. And then we put in $5,000. For Secular Student Alliance, I feel that's wasted.

I feel a sense, you know, a feeling like, what's it called, buyer's remorse? Yeah. Right. Like that feeling of just crushing unbelievable regret over a life just squandered and lost. Yeah. I think I feel that every day. Yeah. I call that waking up.

When I saw this Kickstarter, I thought, oh, it was like a sledgehammer right to the bottomless well of my heart. We could have had them to their goal. So this is a, and we never cover this shit, but this is too good to be true. This is a hat that protects you from electromagnetic waves, my friend. Smog. Electric smog is what they call it in their video. Smog or whatever. So we're going to let you listen to the ad that plays here.

The whole world is composed of reflections, small and large, minor and great. It is space. Man, and actually, hold on. I do have to love that I have to go online to watch this. Right? Like, can I get this through a cellular signal? Can I get a print edition that doesn't have fucking electro juice in my brain or whatever? Silent and deafening.

Unimportant and extremely important. Sound is reflected. Image is reflected. Light, heat, power are reflected. Image is reflected. Light, heat, power are reflected. We came up with an idea on how to reflect something that can harm us. How do you know? Well, we came up with an idea where somebody would give us money for nothing.

It's called Paranoia Hat. Exactly. We came up with an idea to get you to give us money over something that we're going to scare you the shit about. And by we came up, we mean we watched signs and thought, throw a fleece cap over that. We are introducing a hat. A hat?

Wait, what will they come up with next? Where do I put it? On my head? Can I get this in condom size? Because of unprotecting things that are important. Now I'll take the hat. That reflects harmful signals from telephones and electrical appliances because the electromagnetic smog is truly everywhere. Remember that time that you got killed by electromagnetic smog?

I remember that. I remember you came into my basement right now where there's two lights and Wi-Fi and two computers connected an enormous blue box with a bunch of lights I don't understand. I like that you call it blue box. It's a blue box. It's got a blue with lights I don't understand. It's a blue but I don't know. I feel like there's

a lot of blinking going on in this motherfucking thing. Bro, it's like fucking Beijing small town here. It's like Flash Gordon's dashboard. I feel like there's toggles and shit on there. It's like Flash Gordon's dashboard. It's like... I feel like this is... There's toggles and shit on there. It's the Millennium Falcon. It is. Like a Wookiee kneecap.

Imagine a stylish hat that fits incredibly well. Okay, well, let's not get overboard here. It really does look like it has a reservoir tip on it. It's a reservoir tip, man. Not only on you, but your closest friends as well. Your baby's your closest friend? That's crazy. That's terrible. It's not true either. It's also not how you make babies. What a terrible... You need to have at least

one close friend before you have the baby. A practical and comfortable hat. Practical? Wait a minute. That's practical? In what world is wearing this fucking hat? If I walk to work wearing a suit and this fucking weird hat, you'd look amazing. Somebody was like, wait a minute, Tom.

You've got a nice tie and a vest and a shirt and a jacket on, but you're wearing a fucking weird hipster hat. Then my explanation would be like, well, you see, I don't want to get electromagnetic smog on my brain. It turns out I wouldn't need the suit anymore. Oh man, you'd be fired in a day. I would fire myself. I would get promoted to fire myself. To protect you from the wind, cold, and even the strong

sun. A hat you can take with you to the mountains, to ski, on a bike. We know where hats can go. Nobody's like, where can I bring this hat? Can I bring the hat? I can bring a hat. You can wear it in a car.

You can wear it at the bar. You can shove it up your ass. You can wear it in the grass. Fuck you, it's a hat. We know how hats work. I understand the general portability of hats. At no point have I ever been dumbfounded looking at a hat and thinking, what locations can I travel? You just ask your wife, honey, can I wear this? Like, we're going out.

Can I wear this? Honey, honey, we're going to go visit your folks. Can I wear this? Honey, I'm going to go pick up groceries. Can I wear this? You got to ask somebody. You got to quiz somebody who knows better every time. God, if only there was a head clothes.

What are you talking about? It's a hat. On a first date, to school, to work, and even on a plane. And now, imagine a hat that has, in addition to all that's been said already. About it being a hat. So far, all you've said about its hat-ness are basic hat-related properties. All this false event diagram of hats. It's like, it's... Imagine, when it does even more. related properties. All this falls in a Venn diagram of hats.

Imagine when it does even more. How to take my money. Shut up and take my money. I can't stand it. Why have I never heard of this hat of which you speak? This special hat that does more hat things than other hats. I climbed Everest with no hat. It was terrible.

Fucking head fell right off. I got hit by an electromagnetic smog at 53,000 feet. Holy shit. It's a fucking hat. These guys make it sound like they invented fucking cold fusion. I know, right? It's like it's a fucking hat, bro. A unique feature. It protects against invisible electromagnetic smog.

And there's no way to measure this, so you'll never know. The revolutionary shield hat. Cannot be used as an actual shield. You're like trying to block a sword. You're going to get a shield hat. Cannot be used as an actual shield. You're like trying to block a sword. You're like, get a shield hat. There's all these cops pasting them together with bulletproof vests. They're putting them in the inside of

Humvees. No, no, we just called it a shield. Fuck! We should have been more careful. Remember, guys, we're marketing this to people who've never heard of the hat. What are they all living live in Bordeaux? A stylish headwear reflecting an unwanted signal from mobile phones, Wi-Fi routers, transmitters, satellites,

and even the radiation of an ordinary microwave. The Shield Hat contains a special layer that has excellent antibacterial, anti-odor, and anti-radiation features. Because you fucking wear this thing and you are a stinky bitch. That's why it has to, anti-odor, and anti-radiation features. Because you fucking wear this thing and you are a stinky bitch. That's why it has to be anti-odor, because you are a fucking basement-dwelling weirdo. I will say. That's afraid of the shower. If this says anti-radiation features, can you wear it if there's like a nuclear? Yeah, but only the top of your head is okay.

The bottom of your head is already protected by my beard. Yeah, I'm good. Your beard is so fucking gnarly, I'm protected by your beard. You're actually in my beard right now. Recording from Cecil's beard. Wow. Soft and pleasant. Smells like pastrami in here.

Well, there's pastrami in here. Smells like pastrami in here. Well, there's pastrami in here. However, the most important is that it stops the penetration of harmful electromagnetic radiation. How do we know? Well, because he set it on, well, actually I'm watching it on a Wi-Fi enabled laptop. So, I don't know. If you're melting my brain as we speak.

If you put a hat around that laptop, it probably wouldn't work. Probably wouldn't work. Yeah. Also, if I hit it with a hammer, it wouldn't work, too. Shield is your personal bodyguard. It's not my whole body. Hold on a minute. It's not my whole body. It's just the top of my headguard. ...against harmful radiation,

as well as a stylish accessory for everyday wear. It is the ugliest fucking hat I've ever seen. You look like a fucking cone hat in this thing. Oh, man. It's for everyday wear. I love, too, that it reflects it, so it's actually. You look like a fucking cone hat in this thing. Oh, man. It's for everyday wear. And I love, too, that it reflects it. So it's actually... Looks like a fucking wizard hat. Like a fucking floppy dick wizard hat.

Dumbledore would be ashamed to wear this fucking hat. Does it reflect magic? Like, can I fucking... Like, if somebody's like, Expelliarmus! Like, the hat blocks. Good. Yes. Thank you. It does. It might as well. Fucking exactly. It's all magic. Reflect harmful signals before they are reflected on your health. If you like our idea, support it by a contribution.

And thanks to you, we would be able to develop new, improved versions of our products. Which, new, improved versions? Improved versions. All right. So, I'm going to tell you what the largest one is because those are always the best. That's like fucking you get a handjob by the creator or whatever. Right, right. So let's see.

Oh, God. Okay. There's 1,750 pounds. Fuck you. Who would donate that for a hat? 1,770 pounds, and there's only one left. Oh, no, there's nine left. I'm sorry.

There's one. Somebody already got this. Distributor Master Pack. Be the first who sells this stuff. You get 50 shield little beanies, 50 shield big beanies, 20 shield caps, and once the product is successful, we'll send you a survey to determine the sizes, colors, and cap size.

So they basically send you a box for $1,770. Dude, you get for $1,700, you get 120 halves? 1,700 pounds, dude. That's gotta be more than... I don't think the exchange rate's equal. I think it's better now. I think the exchange rate is in our favor now. Per pound?

I thought it was. Well, let me look. Oh, no. It's $1.50. I'm fucking super wrong. So times that by $1.50 by 1770. Yeah, it's $2,626. Divided by 120.

Because that's how many products you get. You get 120 products. Yeah, the cost per product? Yeah. $22. That's cost. That's cost. That's cost. So you're going to be charging $40 for this hat.

This is a $40 or $50 anti-reflective radiation magnet hat or whatever. Okay, now compare that. I would not buy a $50 hat. Compare that to the cost of tinfoil. Or hope. Because... Hope is free, motherfucker. Hope is not free.

It costs so much. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. So you'll have to forgive me if I'm smacking while I'm introducing this story because I'm eating chocolates. Fine, delicious, astonishing chocolates that were sent to us.

They're so good. They're really good chocolates. They're really good chocolates. Like this isn't some of that fucking Fannie Mae wax garbage. That's fucking, it's amazing. It's not like those frango mints that everybody fucking falls all over themselves for. These are like, these are legitimately delicious chocolates. And they were sent to us from a listener with a little note that said,

Heathen's greetings, which made me laugh out loud. So we're real great. There's different kinds in this side. Shut your whore mouth. Oh, my God. It's two different kinds. Hand them to me immediately and let me eat them. Oh, God.

Hey, Cecil, I think your car's on fire upstairs. If you can. I didn't see to hand it back. That's dick-hardeningly good. Oh, God, it's amazing. All right, so what's this story? Brian Fisher. I love Brian Fisher so much.

From Right Wing Watch. Oh, that's a really great chocolate. Brian Fisher says dinosaurs were just giant 1,000-year-old lizards. Let's hear him say it. I can't talk because I'm full of chocolate. Let me just play Brian Frieder. I'll play Brian Frieder. You know, I'm not a scientist or a whatever, but... He's not a whatever.

I'm not one of them book-reading types. I'm not one of those science-talking people with their long words and their knowledge about stuff. But I will expound in just a few moments. I love it when they start that. It's like when they say, like, I'm not a racist, but, you know. I got a black friend. You know, I have read that reptiles continue to grow until they die.

I've heard that. Yes. Yes. 100% true. Like your ears, Brian Fisher. And the hairs coming from your nose. And also myths. I don't know.

Maybe that's true. It doesn't even matter. It doesn't even matter. Here's the thing. They continue to grow until they die. That doesn't mean that they can live to be a million years old. No, that's exactly what it means. It means they grow until they die.

And if they don't die. I do think lobsters, though. I thought I read, like, lobsters will continue to grow until they die. But, again, this is not a science show, so don't take anything I say— I'll preface it with, like, a Brian Fisher, right? Or Brian Fisher says, with any kind of fucking validity whatsoever. I will say this, though. I had a couple of those little green anole lizards.

And they were the exact same size the whole time I had them. I had them for years. They didn't continue to grow until they died? They didn't. They lived in a little cage and I fed them shitty little worms until I got tired of them and then they died. Did you let them? Oh, you just didn't feed them until they died? No!

That would be terrible, but I don't know how they died, but I got tired of them right about the time they died, and I don't think that was a coincidence of boyhood. Was it a tragic bus accident? You know, sometimes you play a little too rough with small things. I'm just saying. Fair enough. Brian Fisher does that with his penis all the time.

So you think about the pre-flood Earth. I mean, you've got people living 969 years. Sure you do. Yeah. No, that's a thing. Dude, you got people living a thousand years. You're looking at me like you're going to fucking punch me in the face. What the fuck, dude?

Dude, remember the pre-flood earth. Now think about the pre-flood earth. No? Are you doing it? Are you thinking about it? What do you think about it, Cecil? I was thinking about Katy Perry. Here's the thing. If I'm thinking about Katy Perry, it's only a

pre-flood for a short period of time. Then it's flood. Then it's a full flood. Then it's nap. Then I'm thinking about a sandwich. Seriously, are we thinking about the fucking pre-flood in the sense that we're looking at the Bible and being like, oh, well, in the Bible it says that they lived a really long time, so therefore they lived a really long time. Yes, that is really what he's saying. He's saying, like, look, we know this to be true because a real old book says once that it was true.

And if real old books say things are true, then you have to be like, ugh. Oh, God. I mean, I think that's what they mean by taking it on gospel, right? No reason to doubt that, ladies and gentlemen. Do not doubt this book. Methuselah, 969 years he lived. 69! Woo!

Ew. Dude, a fucking 900. That is, that's like old person, young person porn. Dude, a fucking 900. That's like old person, young person porn. It's like grandpa porn. All of my stomach contents. I couldn't eat another box of chocolate. Here's the thing.

I think about my body after 37 years of moderate abuse. And it's like it's basically trying to die. At every moment, I have to fucking convince that. But I'm trying so hard for this body to just get me through one more day. Most of the time I wake up, I'm like, come on, get me to noon. That's all I'm looking for. And the only reason I want that is to get to lunch. At 969 years, at year 721, you wake up, you're like, well, oh, my bones are broken because I'm made out of old oldiness. You're like a pile of flesh that can't move, can barely breathe at 700 years.

A strong wind would lacerate your flesh. 700 years, like 200 years. Right? So longevity, obviously, for all living things, was much greater before the flood. Wait, why is that obvious? So you think about a lizard. Did he just say think about a wizard? So you think about a lizard.

Whatever. You think about a wizard. You know what? It's the same level of plausibility. I'm fine. Whatever. Moving on. Think about a lizard.

I mean, here's a lizard living for 200 years. What if you had this same lizard living for 1,000 years? Okay, bro. Cool story. Yeah, what if you did? What if? So wait a minute. In today's world, he seems to be suggesting that lizards live

200 years. Yes. I'm not sure that's accurate. However, no lizards even remotely approach one-fifth the size of, say, a brontosaurus. Right? Right. So... I think I see where you're going here.

Simple math would say. I mean, not even remotely. Like, if you took the biggest lizard on Earth and multiplied its size and weight by five, does it even remotely approach something like a brontosaurus? Now we're going to need emails. A brontosaurus is actually not even a brontosaurus anymore. Because, you know, they changed the name of all your favorite dinosaurs. Like, the triceratops

for a while wasn't a triceratops. It was like a, I don't know, fucking something else with a long term. And then they changed it back. We're like, no, totes triceratops. It's like a Pluto. Yeah, exactly. They Pluto'd all our dinosaurs from when we were kids. What? Yeah, they did. So anyway,

there's no way. There's no conceivable way. Plus, like, unless they have some, like, rapid acceleration at, like, age 206, it's like they just, like, fucking hit puberty, like fucking giant lizard puberty. They just, like, got fucking hair on their dick. It's where they had fins on their back, and they're like, oh, I'm going to stegosaurus out, bro. I'm going to needegosaurus out, bro. I've been eating them all my pre-workout.

Dude. Fucking that iguana got fucking huge, bro. He's fucking ripped. You see the pecs on that iguana? He could fucking bench press a tyrannosaurus rex. Continuing to grow. You imagine the size that he would be? Are you saying that maybe that's where dinosaurs came from? Yeah, I'm thinking

that could be the explanation for dinosaurs. They were just like reptiles that just like grew. Why is he saying this? Because it's amazing. They're just reptiles that grew. You know, I actually think that that's probably true. That's true, actually. They were reptiles that grew.

Also, they lived 65 million years ago and were an entirely different set of species and subspecies. Makes sense. For a thousand years, kept growing, kept growing, kept growing. That only works if they were fucking identical animals to what we see today too, right? Or you would see like Tyrannosauruses in various stages of bigotude, right? You would wind up going to some isolated area where there wasn't any, like, let's say fucking, there wasn't any predators.

You can't cross Australia off the list. Right. But wherever, you know, where the predators are. Australia is a predator. Yeah, it's like. Australia is just like. It just folds in half. Like, ah.

It's like constantly. Everywhere you walk in Australia, you have those three dots on you that sort of move in a weird way. That's ominous as fuck. Oh, fuck. I don't know that I want to. That's not good at all. Yeah, but wherever you go, let's say you find a forest that's bereft of predators, and you have this lizard that you can clearly state has lived for X amount of years or whatever.

There would be like a fucking small Tyrannosaurus rex there. Right. There would be that size, right? Somewhere you would have, because what changed? Is there a small Tyrannosaurus rex at all on Earth? I don't think so. Like a two-legged, like fucking useless arm lizard that walks around. Yeah, it's called an

ostrich. With big fucking mouth that likes to bite shit. It's an it's legitimately an ostrich. It's like a chihuahua. It's a Republican. It's Bob Dole. It's Bob Dole with his little kippy arm. Bob Dole doesn't bite things. Bob Dole doesn't like being called a T-Rex.

So I want to thank our most recent patrons katie joe rosie david steve crunchy frog chris zirindor and brian thank you all so very much for your generous donations we really do appreciate it um you know we put a lot of time and work into the podcast, and it's great to see people when they donate, they recognize that sort of that level of dedication. We do. You know, even though there's been, you know, always stuff popping up in our lives, we still put the time in to make sure that we're still recording. So we want to thank everybody for recognizing that

and donating to the podcast. We appreciate that. We also got two PayPal donations, which are new this month, one from Ian and one from Trevor. Thank you both very much. It's very kind of you. PayPal, of course, another way to donate to the show. So we got a few emails we want to talk about before we go. So the first email we want to talk about is from Brendan. And Brendan says, I've lived in Belgium for over 20 years and I have never heard of Ted. I love that. On the basis that there is no such thing as bad policy, I'm happy to hear he has heard

of us. I think that's amazing. That is great. Because nobody really thinks about Belgium, even the Belgians. It's amazing. Because it's so funny because he's like, I get those, and they're sheep-like European butts. I get those Belgians to send me messages, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then. They sent him right to the cowboy hat. Specifically what we got, too, was another message. Many messages. We also played a voicemail last week. This is from Brent. And Brent basically said, I just thought you should know that Ted is a draft dodger. dodger so he's uh he's one of those guys who sort of sings and wraps himself in the american flag and sings the song of the troops but was a draft dodger during his time i don't know that i would

i you know i don't know that i have any strong feelings over whether or not a person's a draft dodger or not well i do when they manipulate the military for political gain right when they're fucking wrapping themselves in the flag and God and guns and all that sort of nonsense, it's like, it's fucking crazy. It's like, you had your chance. It's like when you fucking stand up with your fucking senior Lee Greenwood song, it's like,

I gladly stand up, except when I don't and I fucking totally bail out because that shit looks hard next to you. Fuck off. I hate you. The thing is, is like, I look at what Muhammad Ali did, though,

and I don't think that that's a bad thing. Conscientious objection is different than being a draft doctor. Yeah, there's going to be people who will send us messages, though, about Muhammad Ali. They'll be like, oh, he's a black guy.

I don't know if you noticed. So we got a bunch of messages and tweets and Facebook messages about Agenda 21. Tom, do you want to read a message? This is from Devin. Yeah, Devin says, On Agenda 21, that is an EU housing provision meant to help the less fortunate find homes. It focuses on stimulating the lower and lower middle class with pay help and low-cost housing in large cities. and lower middle class with pay help and low-cost housing in large cities.

There's a conspiracy theory here in the States that Agenda 21 is going to be implemented and force people into government housing against their will. Ted Cruz firmly believes this, as do many of the people on the regressive and crazy left. That's fucking insane. Nobody would force you into a government home. If you already have a home, you'd just be like, I'm good. And if you don't have a home and the government's like, get in this you'd be like that's better than the no home i had earlier yeah i will go into the home that was better than the no home it seems pretty crazy thank you for uh sending the message though we got a ton of messages about it so we got a message this is from uh what the fuck word is that?

Verstuud? Verstuud. It's just, it's clearly from the Swedish chef. I think that means sent from my iPhone. Oh, I bet it does. Yeah. Verstuud Music America production iPhone. Sent from my iPhone.

Yeah. So we got a message from someone who is currently in Iran, or at least was recently in Iran. And they sent us a message, a pretty long message, that was actually really funny. But one of the things that I'd like to read is the piece on censorship, the second paragraph. Tom, if you could read that. Yeah, it says, because my main gripe is the far-reaching censorship here. Since my company works in the field of expositions as well as trade fairs, I cannot visit our own website.

We can talk shop, but my shop itself is off-limits to the people. I can't go on Facebook. I can't visit 70% of news sites. I can't watch porn, which feels like a big vacation. What kind of vacation is that? It's an abstinence vacation. Oh, it's the worst. I can't even go to Rotten Tomatoes or visit sites to read music reviews.

But your site, available to all right here, there, in all of its glory hole. In fact, I walked around town yesterday in the middle of Iran listening to your show. That scares me. Can you imagine if his headphones fall out and somebody hears the call to prayer thing that we've done? It's terrifying. I just want to say enjoy your time in Iranian prison. So we got a message. This is from Daniel, and he put the skeptics' creed to deck the halls.

So here it is. Scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble Pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized Stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing Water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch Late night info-docutainment Leo, Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage Death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your signs.

Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Douose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. It sounds so military to me. Yeah, right. And it makes you realize that Deck the Halls has that sort of like big brass band sort of feel to it. Yeah.

Like I felt like marching or something. Or opening a store for the first time. One or the other. Cutting a ribbon with a giant pair of scissors. We got a message from Sherry, and Sherry put together a poem for us inspired by Christmas. So it's basically a Christmas poem.

Go ahead and read it, Tom. She wrote, Bored with ex-Mormon podcasts and sick of all woo, Stitcher suggested I listen to you. I was wary but open to hearing your spiel. Despite glaring ineptness, there was some appeal. I put on my headphones and went for a walk when I heard a strange voice singing a long black cock. I continued to listen while resting my feet, surprised to hear braying like a donkey in heat. It didn't take long to determine the words were voiced by a fatty named Tom Who Hates Birds.

We have Cecil to thank for the weekly release to keep us informed of depraved Catholic priests. From Glory Hole Studio and Tom's Hacienda, they rebuke and debunk the so-called gay agenda incredulous scoffers who question and sneer they survive off of hot wings good scotch and cheap beer counten roberts and bachman manning and cruise being tirelessly mocked for their insolent views as for peter pop off the conniving blood sucker i'll see you in hell. Glory hole, motherfucker. That was a great job. That was a great poem.

I loved it. That's beautiful. I thought it was awesome. So, a couple things. One, we would encourage anybody who enjoys the show, who likes the show. I don't know. There's like probably one person out there. Oh, okay. That guy. Hopefully. Hey, guy. I'm talking to you, guy. This is for you. This is for you. This is like where we try to connect individually like an NPR pledge drive. It one guy you guy right there who likes this show in that

chair in the chair or walking or either one masturbating that's you guy what i want you to do here's the thing like we've gotten a rash of sort of some negative reviews uh one guy rated us one star because he didn't like Eli on our show even though he thought our show was a five. I rate Eli one star. Here's the thing. Fucking 300 hours of entertainment. You didn't like one,

so you rate us a one star because you didn't like one. That's a dick move. Anyway, fucking please don't be a nozzle. That's number one. But number two, if you like the show, if you enjoy the show. First off, if you don't enjoy the show

I don't know how the fuck you got this far turn it off fucking seriously I'm not go find a show you like number one if you don't like the show

but if you do like the show and you think the show's a good show please help us out by rating us on iTunes we'd really appreciate a good rating if you're

you know especially if you're not a patron if you think hey you know I never give back to the show this is a great opportunity to give back to our show give us a five star review on iTunes we'd really appreciate, you know, especially if you're not a patron, if you think, hey, you know, I never give back to the show. This is a great opportunity to give back to our show. Give us a five-star review on iTunes.

We'd really appreciate it. You know, especially because we've got a couple of negative ones in the recent past that we'd like to pass. Clearly, people with exquisite taste have started listening to our show, and we can't have that. We need people with non-discerning taste. So you, guy out there with non-discerning taste. You've gotten this far. We'd appreciate it. Give us a night rating. We you guy out there with non-discerning taste. You've gotten this far. We'd appreciate it. Give us a night rating. We just finished a recording with Eli

and Heath and we laughed until we cried many times. It was so much fun. So if you, if we're going to put, we don't know when the show is going to be out exactly. But this Monday this show is coming out

and I don't know when the other show releases but when it does we'll put it on our website and we'll tweet and Facebook it so people can hear it but it was really funny we had a great time we watched a movie called Loving the Bad Man and had a great time laughed our ass off they're all super funny guys

and we just really just sat and just listened to their jokes and laughed they are sharp and funny guys so we just had we just really just sat and just lasted listen to their jokes and laughed so they are sharp they are sharp and funny guys so we really had a great time um we also um i'm also maybe going to put together a clip show this week i don't know that it's going to happen i'm going to try to do my best to put together a clip show it's not going to be for release on next monday which would be the third or the fourth or whatever. Fourth. Fourth. It's the fourth. I'm not going to do that. We're still going to record for the fourth, but for what I think is New Year's Eve on Thursday, right? Is that right? Thursday,

New Year's Eve? Yes, because New Year's Day is Friday. Yeah. So New Year's Eve, Thursday might have a clip show for you, which would be a year in review show. You would have about a day from this releasing to me starting to put it together to get in any requests. So if you think you have a segment from last year that you think absolutely would have to go in this clip show, send it to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. And make sure you reference if you know the episode number and or the story that we talk about. Now, you can find all this stuff on dissonancepod.com. You can go to our website, look at the episode names.

Maybe that will ring a bell. Find the episode you're looking for. You can also do a search too. So if you search for keywords, sometimes the things will pop up. You can do a search on our website to search for the certain stories. Hopefully the keyword will bring it up and you can find the story you're looking for. But if you have a special request, something that you think absolutely

cannot be taken out of a year-end clip show, let us know. Let us know by Tuesday. Maybe midday Tuesday is probably the last time I'm going to be checking that to sort of put things in. If you just send us a message and be like, that one time we talked about Hillbilly God was really funny. I'm like, that's not super helpful.

It's 270, 80 trillion episodes. Well, actually, there's maybe 60 episodes in a year because we do during the midweek. I don't know exactly how many there were, maybe 70. But there's a lot of episodes to cover. But if you think there's something in there that is absolutely rock solid that needs to stay, let us know and we'll include it in the clip show. That's going to wrap it up for this week. Like we say,

keep your eyes open for god-awful movies with Eli and Noah and Heath, and we're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating,

pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. pan sales pitch late night info docutainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms atlantis dolphins truthers birthers witches wizards vaccine nuts shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive.

Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Outro Music you