Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 269: End of the Year Toaster Shakins

Episode Date: December 31, 2015

: Best if Used by – Tony: Released on Feb. 25   OJ… Purple Stuff… OH! Bloody D!: March 2   The Burning Bush: March 12   : Corn Hub, March 16   That’s the Kicky One, April, 13   : Do You Even Life Bro?, May 25   : I Can Count to 104!, June 15   : I Ate My Arms, Sept. 21   Incompetent on Every Level of Life, Oct. 5   Keep Your Chin Up, Oct 19   : Andy and Marsh from MSS, Oct 26   Love of Water Balloons, Nov 23

Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Hey there, everyone. So we wound up making a year-end clip show for this New Year's Eve. Normally shows do this and they pick clips that are probably their most popular or maybe the funniest. We wound up picking the ones that were the most wrong. So it's a little longer than a normal show. We wound up getting several clips. It's about an hour and a half long, a little longer.

Hope you enjoy it. Hope it tides you over till Monday when we start the new year with a brand new show. So without further ado, here's some of the worst clips, the most wrong clips of the year. This clip comes from episode 210, Best If Used by Tony, released on February 25th.

Lawmaker asks if swallowed camera can be used for female exam. So this story hilariously comes out of Idaho, which we just recently rediscovered was part of America. So Republican, shocker, representative vito barbieri made this fucking incredibly stupid uh comment or question um during testimony on a bill that would ban doctors from prescribing abortion induinducing medication through telemedicine. And he asked, he actually asked if instead of a gynecological exam, if the women could

just swallow a camera. And he had to be told that that would be impossible because the shit pigs people the thing is i've walked in in the middle of my night the middle of the night to my wife shitting out of her vagina i've seen that before i see she just like ripping out a deuce like right i was like what that's where the this is where poo comes from right here. This is a dude who thinks that women just have a down there. Yeah. She gave birth to a food baby.

I mean, come on. The worst part is when she has like corn and peanuts in there. Oh, my God. Literally, you throw a little cilantro and some lime juice in there you can make a salsa this is a man who makes laws who thinks that who thinks that like there's like another region right you know like oh look what the fuck is this guy thinking? This man's wife must have been appalled. Appalled. Like, no, come on.

He hasn't seen that. He hasn't seen the JJ in a long time. I can't understand, you know, somebody who would say this, why they would be so against sodomy, you know, if that's the case. Maybe the whole time he's been married to somebody who's not a woman and they just been like thinking he comes home and he's like that's a vagina told me god damn it i thought it was weird that your name was Bill. I mean, what an unbelievable lack of understanding about how half of the humans on Earth work. It's amazing, isn't it? It's half the people.

You can swallow a camera. Just eat a camera. When you want to see a woman's vagina, have her eat a camera. What the fuck? You see, when a woman eats a camera, it goes down into the belly, and then it makes a camera baby. It comes out of her oobah.

And then, nine months later, she gives birth to a beautiful DSLR. With a prime lens kit right there. What are you talking about? That's amazing. There's a dude who can't understand how bodies work.

I just swallow a camera. Yeah, you know, you could swallow a camera too to check out to see if you have erectile dysfunction. See, there's a tube that connects the vagina to the... Women aren't a series of tubes. But there isn't. Down there, they're just like a dump truck

full of scary parts. I don't know. They just have bits and bobs all flipping and flopping around down there. What goes on in the yoga pants stays in the yoga pants. You have no idea what's coming out, what's going in. All the different holes are interchangeable down there.

I can't figure it. There's three holes down there. I can't figure this out. This clip comes from episode 211. OJ, purple stuff. Oh, bloody D. Released on March 2nd. So this story comes from

CapitalNewYork.com. I'm not sure if that's really a thing. de Blasio to end Metsizv's consent forms. That's very close. All right. Let me give it a shot here. That's very close. All right. Let me give it a shot here. Metsiza.

Metsiza. Metsiza. Metsiza. Metsiza. Consent forms. It's nice because there is a zit right in the middle. It's getting squozed by the other two sides there. It is.

It's getting squozed by some za from New York. And there's the metz there. The metz is a. Which means what? Well, the metz is a consent form refers to the consent form that parents have to fill out before a rabbi can suck their infant's dick. Oh, after slicing a piece of it off. And they're getting rid of these consent forms. Look.

Because the rabbis thought they were discriminatory. You don't want to take away the mole's prixy sticks. You know what I mean? Oh, my God. You did that on purpose as I was drinking. You did that on purpose. You don't want to take those away. What do they like? Come home all the moles. The moles. Is that what they call them? Moils. Moils. Mo did that on purpose. You don't want to take those away. What if they, like, come home, all the moles, the moles, is that what they call them?

Moils. Moils. Moils. Moils. The moils, they all come home, and they're, like, looking through the fridge, and they're, like, pink stuff, purple stuff. Ooh, bloody D. That's what I had at work all day.

You know, sometimes you come home and you're so tired. Honey, can you just put a Heineken in the fridge for me? Oh, God. I'm tired of getting a bellyache from drinking all that baby penis blood. Oh, God. I just fucking drink the fucking... And you know the other thing about that job... That is the most foul shit ever, by the way. Well, I cannot even imagine as a parent being like, you should probably suck his dick.

That's fine. What kind of job? Seriously, what kind of job is sucking a baby penis blood? I'd rather be a Bukkake model. You know what I mean? Like, that would be a better. Although the beard is, it's not good no i mean it just just like that's fucking wash rinse and repeat i'll tell you that much

they're scrubbing for hours and hours and hours it's crusty like chip hair oh god let it just break off it's like a big patch to your beard gone flaking and pulling off disgusting you know there i i know i've said this before but like this is one of those jobs that i always have to wonder about your first day you know what i mean like because there's always that first day no matter what job it is i'll give it's an office job it's a little awkward sure you're not real sure what you're doing it's like man yesterday i have not sucked any baby yeah but today you're crossing a boundary you don't uncross my friend yeah like you're like a masseuse and happy endings you know what i mean like at a certain point it's

like well i guess i'm that guy yeah i'm that guy you know and i have an infant son, and sometimes when you unleash him, he just pees. So you might get a mouthful of blood. Although at that point, after you've already fucking cut them down there. Yeah, maybe not. There's literally nothing else they're doing but screaming. That's probably very true. And I guess, you know, it would be kind of like a nice, like, antiseptic mouthwash at that point. Oh, God.

I think you're clearly not a discriminatory person about what you put in your mouth. You know what I mean? You're like licking the fucking bugs off the fender of a car. You're just standing at the bottom of an escalator just licking the bar. Yeah, it's fucking crazy, though. Basically, this law says that people could sign a consent form to allow this sort of thing. And one of the things that it says here, it says, and they want to get rid of it, right? They want to get rid of it so that they can just basically allow whoever they want to do this with.

They don't want to get rid of the practice. They want to get rid of the necessity for the consent form. And it says here, in exchange for abandoning the consent forms, the coalition of rabbis negotiating with City Hall agreed that if a baby is diagnosed with HSV1, the community would identify the mole in question and asked him to undergo testing. If the mole tests positive for HSV1, the city's health department would test the dna strain to see if it matches the infants and you're like what the fuck kind of terrifying fucking practice is that you know it's the only way we're going to do this is if a newborn is damaged we're only we're not going to act we're not going to do anything at all until someone is actually damaged could you imagine if they're like, okay, well, we're just going to fucking... Okay, so the kid died in the back of a Volkswagen. We're only going to allow Volkswagens to have car seats from now on.

There's no other car seats ever. That's it. It's actually a little worse than that because if the two sets of DNA match, then there's a repercussion. match then there's a repercussion but if the mole if the dna doesn't match the moles still allowed to perform it even though we know he has fucking herpes simplex one well come on now kids these days they're getting herpes younger and younger hey who knows who gave it to who huh exactly right this kid could be out clubbing all night. You have no idea. Those fucking pacifiers, you know, like that's a sign.

Sharing pacifiers with somebody else. Because what they said is that the consent forms offended members of the Jewish sects who rejected the link and found the forms to be an impingement on their religious freedom. It's just a consent form. How does that impinge upon their religious freedom they're clearly still doing it they still have all of the freedom to suck baby dick that they want and they're like the only ones that have the freedom to suck because there's not anyone else who's like it's not like if you're just like uh what you doing i'm just sucking this baby dick. Why? I'm the pizza delivery guy. What the fuck?

What are you? What? Just carry this baby around with me. Just in case. Right. Yeah. There's that big protest, like the Million Man Baby Dick March, where they're just like, we want to suck some baby dick.

Nobody's doing that. This is not the defining issue of our time. These are literally the only people in our culture that want to suck baby dicks. And you've got to placate them? You have to placate this tiny subset of people who want to put a baby penis in their mouth? What the fuck is happening? Why are we placating them? Why are we just like, oh yeah, all those fucking child sex rules that we have in place.

Yeah, Who cares? Whatever. Yeah. He doesn't get off on it. But if you don't let him do it. Yeah. He gets real mad. Yeah.

Oh, hmm. Kind of sounds like somebody who has a vested interest in putting penises in his mouth. Just saying. Right. Yeah. Your fucking thoughts betray you, Luke. What the fuck? This clip comes from episode 213, The Burning Bush, released on March 12th.

Well, here's a happy little story from the friendly atheist. In the footsteps of the prophet, Australian Muslim marries a child and pays the price for it. So basically, a Lebanese um was determined to marry a 12 year old girl he saw in a mosque um and with the help of the relatives he organized a ceremony to marry the 12 year old right got a cleric i don't know how he found one got a cleric to agree to marry the couple to call them a couple is sort of horrifying and then he impregnated her

so there you go did she come to term with the baby Tom? no she miscarried well everything was going so well beforehand it was a match made in heaven what a shame you know there's a reference here Well, everything was going so well beforehand. It was a match made in heaven.

What a shame. You know, there's a reference here, they say, in the footsteps of the prophet. And that actually references a poem. The footsteps. You know the footsteps poem, right? I do. I do know the footsteps poem. Except for this is a Muslim version. And there's only one set of footprints.

And that's because the prophet and his wife are walking and she's still being swaddled so that's why there's only one set of footprints so uh yeah i mean what do you say about this other than what this is i don't know cecil i really don't know if if religion was the driving force that caused this. But at the fucking very least, it was the justification that made this possible. It's not like this guy is, you know, this guy, I'm sure, did not do this because he was religious. He did this because he's a creep. Right.

You don't do this because you're religious. You do this because he's a creep. Right. You don't do this because you're religious. You do this because you're a creep. But you justify it after the fact and you get other people to let you be a fucking creep. Right. Because you're a religious person. He took advantage of the religious infrastructure to make this possible. Yep. Yep.

Yeah. I mean, what they say in the thing that he pays the price for it. What did he wind up going to jail for several years? He paid the price for it. But at the wedding shower, I think they all paid the Fisher price for it. And they gave her all this stuff, you know, like the little you can't give a kid like that a full kitchen. You got to give her like the Betty Crocker kitchen. You've got to give her like the Betty Crocker kitchen one with like the little fake.

She's baking a wedding cake by light bulb. What is that thing called? What is that fucking Betty? Whatever the fuck it is. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, the fucking easy bake oven. Easy bake oven. Easy bake oven. That's what it's called.

There you go. Yeah. It's pretty easy for her to point on the doll where the bad man touched her since she still has all of her dolls. All of her dolls. Yeah, I mean like pretty easy for her to point on the doll where the bad man touched her since she still has all of her dolls. All of her dolls. Yeah, I mean, like, pretty easy. You'd just be like, well, I could show you in graphic detail where he touched me. Yeah.

You know, the couple was registered at Macy's and Toys R Us. Toys R Us, yeah. So it was pretty difficult to make a choice as to where to get them their gifts. You know, they could use the, you know you know multi-purpose the ceremony of the wedding for her middle school graduation as well so so wow well you know they either that or i mean because she was what 12 yeah you know right yeah so she's a sixth grader yeah oh that's true this guy's not gonna wait who are we kidding yeah this is a sixth grader so you don't want to the thing is that they're they're an old maid by the time they get to high school.

She's a little long in the tooth at that point. You know what I mean? And by long in the tooth, I think what you mean is they have lost all of their baby teeth. And they very literally have their actual longer teeth. Just getting it in. Yeah. When your 12-year molars come in, I mean, you're second tier at that point. Right.

I wonder if that is one thing that they do, if they look a goof bride in the mouth to see if she's actually got all of her teeth. Jesus. Her new teeth, you know. Right, right. Well, you know, I mean, and that can be difficult because, the brides at this age, they still have their braces on. Oh, you know, but it's better now because the Invisalign makes it easy. Oh, yeah, it totally does. It totally makes sure that they're, you know, still young enough to wed.

You don't want to you don't want to get out. You don't wait until they fully mature. Right. See, so that would be that would be a horror. I mean, because then they might think a thought. You can't have that. I don't know. No. Man, you know, I just wonder.

I wonder, Cecil, where, oh, where could this idea's genesis have come from? Because in order for this to have occurred, this creepy fucking pedophile dude had to get the collusion of the relatives and then the clerics. So there was like a whole system of people.

I mean, what possible justification could he have given? I don't know what code, what kind of cultural hero could he have? Oh, right.mad the pedophile i was gonna say john wayne but okay i guess we'll go with muhammad the uh the the thing that bothers me about this story besides all wait a minute wait a minute do not use the singular i said besides all of it okay but this person tasawar i think is how you say their name pleaded guilty to the offense of solemnization of a marriage by an unauthorized person and was fined 500 and his religious leader visa was canceled this is the person who married

them can we just if you were to like supply let's say i were to go to you tom be like hey you got a young girl i could fuck and you would say yeah i seem to kidnap young girls all the time i would like you to come in and to my establishment and let me let you have sex with one of my young girls i could go into your establishment this fake establishment that i've created for you tom where i I don't want this establishment. You're a child pimp. I don't want to know what is happening in this scenario. So you wind up letting me have sex with a... Do you think you would just be charged for like $500 for solicitation with a minor or something?

You would be really, really fucked for that. I would imagine that you would be completely... They would throw the book at you. I can't imagine that this person doesn't face some more harsh penalty for facilitating this because he really was the one who facilitated it. Without his blessing, it would have never happened. I don't understand why all parties involved, like the relatives who allowed them contact, who were like, because everybody in their duty to protect this this girl failed in their duty.

Absolutely. Everybody who had an opportunity to stop this pedophile. them to to put aside their common fucking sense that says that a grown man should not be marrying that's a gross word to even use here because there was nothing this was not a marriage right she didn't consent to this marriage yeah right right so to call this a marriage is really a bastardization of that word without consent how can there be marriage if marriage is really a bastardization of that word. Without consent, how can there be marriage? Marriage is a contract. So but the inducement here had to come from this cultural bias that says that either women are property to be given away or I don't even know what's the second. Like, what are the other options? Like women are property or the,

or that, or that women at, at the age of, of 10, 11, 12, it's okay to sexualize them and pimp them out. Can you, I can't,

I can't see how you look at this and say like, yes, that is the society we want to create. That is how we want to treat girls. That is how we protect the young people want to create. That is how we want to treat girls. That is how we protect the young people in our society. This clip comes from episode 214, Corn Hub, released on March 16th. This story comes from metro.co.uk, family of 14, escaped Christian cult where birth control was banned. This is one of those stories where you don't need the second line of the

headline because when you have a family of 14, I think it's pretty motherfucking safe to say that birth control was banned. That's a fucking litter of kittens. I'll tell you, they were in, they were in New Zealand. That's where they, they wound'll tell you, they were in New Zealand. That's where they wound up. They were in New Zealand and they escaped.

No, they were Mordor. Well, no. How they escaped, they just formed a human chain and then they reached the Australian mainland. That's how they escaped. So good on them. Right? Yeah. It's crazy.

There's a picture of this. Right? Yeah. It's crazy. There's a picture of this. There's like a picture of like a newlywed couple, like fucking smoochy smoo, like in a, in like a weird. Oh, I thought one of them was a corpse. You know, column A, column B.

All right, fair enough. I'm not. And there's like all these dudes with like the fucking skinny black tie that like means that you're like a religious nut. Like they're like carrying. Yeah. When you're all in the same uniform and it all looks horrible, you know you're a religious nut at that point. And like the, oh, hang on a minute.

I got to put my bododon. Oh, you're crazy religious. Ah, I get it. 14 people escape. Dude, you see the picture of their swimming? Hold on a minute. We're not done with the pictures. No, yeah.

The swimming is awesome. They swim. These women are covered fucking neck down to their fucking toes. Yeah, they all look like Mary Poppins, basically. They all look like Mary Poppins. It's like Victorian England again. They're all the least sexy maid possible. That's what they are.

Yeah, exactly. That's it. And they're like swimming in a big swimming pool in their clothes. Yeah, yeah, all of them. It's like, yay, tra-la-la, let's go swimming. You know what I love swimming in? 12 pounds of fabric, fucking cotton, water-absorbing. Literally my entire wardrobe.

That's what I like swimming in. That's called drowning. That's not even called swimming. It's called floundering until you fucking wind up breathing fucking water when you escape with 14 people though and you're on like the underground radio railroad that's like six cars i mean wouldn't you agree like you can't even get it's not even one you can't even put it in one that's actually that's actually more people than indiana j Jones let out of the Temple of Doom. It's like a larger standing army than France. You can invade Moscow in the winter with this one family.

When they ran away, when the family ran away, this is what it sounded like. They ran all into their clown car. And they got in their big clown car and then they drove away. Well, I mean, a clown car is kind of apt at this point because the woman's vagina is like Bozo Buckets. You know what I mean? Like it's you back a truck up into Bozo Buckets. Are you kidding me? It's like Bozo Dumpster.

At some point. Bozo Waste Management. 14, kid. Fourteen. At some point you're like, honey, we're at a dozen. Maybe we should stop at a dozen. Because it's a goddamn dozen. Oh, my gosh.

It's outrageous. You could have like a whole sweatshop that's yours. Basically your sweatshop that's yours. Yeah, right? Basically your sweatshop. Like, when you have so many kids that Nike is interested in optioning you for work. Absolutely. You know, that's just too many fucking kids. Yeah, and when they work, it sounds like this.

This whole show, you should just play that clip and nothing else. Just the whole thing. When they pray. Sexy times. Well, that's about how fast you have to be if you have 14 kids, right? You really got to get it in there. Jeez. Hang on a minute.

We are going to wake up the other 13, you know? The problem is just like, hold on, we're going to have sex. Don't give birth. You got to put it on the calendar. Honey, we're going to have sex next Tuesday. No giving birth. It's really inconvenient you know like and when the kid comes out he's fully clothed you know

with a bonnet on his head it's soaked in his little little outfit it's like it's like the baby comes out it's like do you want the skinny tie or the bonnet i don't know it doesn't even matter it doesn't even matter just throw it in the pool fully closed. Oh my God. That's awesome. And then she winds up chucking him in the pool and it sounds like this. I'm done with this story. Me too.

with this story? Me too. We're going to get so many emails like, your last show sucked. You just played the same clip a hundred times.

That's fine. This clip comes from episode 220. That's the kicky one. Released on April 13th. So this story comes from the Raw story. Pat Robertson.

Forbid soccer on Sundays and God will make your kids rich like Chick-fil-A. That's just spectacular. I think we've got to hear this from Robertson's own mouth. All right, so this is Pat Robertson, 700 Club. He's going to have his assistant read it, and then he's going to respond. This is Terry, who says, My nephew is a 15-year-old high school freshman on the soccer team.

His games are on Sunday mornings and they even had a tournament on Good Friday. My sister and nephew are Christians. She feels torn as it appears they're putting sports before their faith as they miss church often during soccer season. This seems to be a prevalent problem today, sports versus church faith.

He's hoping for a soccer scholarship and mom wants to support his passion for soccer, but she also wants to honor the Lord and feels they should be in church. She is torn and having a hard time finding any peace in all of this. What are your thoughts? There's a restaurant.

It's called Chick-fil-A. My wife calls it Chick-a-fil. I said, no, darling, it's Chick-fil-A. Chick-a-A. I said, no, darling, it's Chick-fil-A, Chick-fil-A. But in any event, Mr. Cathy decided years and years ago that he was going to resist pressure and close on Sunday. That he wasn't going to do business on the Lord's Day and he wasn't going to make his employees work on the Lord's Day. Well, Mr. Cathy, from a little fish fillet up to a huge chain, is a multi-billionaire before he passed away. And the restaurant is as popular, they're lined up to get into it.

It is unbelievable on a Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon about 1 or 2 o'clock, try to get into a Chick-fil-A. The lines all strangle around. Try to get in one on Sunday. It's even harder. You literally have to break in to get into the Chick-fil-A. And then you're disappointed because then you're still in Chick-fil-A. And you've got to cook it yourself. Right?

It's like this is just basically a McChicken. I don't get it. I'll pickle on it. Yeah. What the fuck? I haven't ever eaten one. Have you? No, I've never had one.

But it's still just a breaded fried chicken sandwich on a bun. It can't be. I'm sure it's not that great. It's a fucking it's a fucking chicken man right i i mean look if if i made some fucking delicious fried chicken and had like a really high quality bun and had some like great ingredients do i think i can make a great fried chicken sandwich fuck yeah i could do i think they're doing that at Chick-fil-A? No.

It's a McChicken sandwich. We're going to get the emails about that. You guys have never been to a Chick-fil-A, but you still talk about Chick-fil-A. There's only like four of them out here. There's not a lot of them. There's very few of them, and I just never had the desire to go to one. I don't want to go to one. Closed on Sunday? It's the only

day I eat chicken. Rest of the day, the rest of the damn time. I don't want to go to one. Closed on Sunday? It's the only day I eat chicken. Rest of the day, the rest of the damn time, I'm eating beef or pork. Or babies. Yeah. Human babies. Why? They were faithful to the Lord.

Now, listen. Wait. They were faithful to the Lord? That's why? He sold his soul for chicken sandwiches? That's it. That's it. You know, it's amazing that there's still many faithful poor people yeah and yet this guy's faithful and super ultra mega rich maybe what we could do instead

is have a super faithful middle class that never happened right never happened why is it one way or the other it's like you want to meet some fucking really really religious people go to fucking some really poor neighborhood here's how you get rich be faithful to the lord and be successful at business those it's like how to get a date don't be unattractively right yeah that's fucking super easy if you're if you have good business sense and you're faithful to the lord right that's fucking super easy. If you have good business sense and you're faithful to the Lord, right? Look, it's three things, man. Venture

capital. Savvy business sense. And clothes on Sunday. And Jesus Christ. I know sports are important, but the time you know that man they did the movie about who was the runner. He wouldn't run on Sunday.

He wouldn't do this. Well, I'm sorry. You know, which is more important, Jesus or soccer? Wait a minute. I got to pick which of the two I care less about. That's literally impossible impossible you're right i forgot first of all i can go weeks without even remembering that soccer is something how often do you even think like soccer is one of those sports that when you say it i have to

pause for a second be like that's the kicky one i don't fucking care and god can make a way for your son without having to compromise his faith and you just tell the coach i am not going to have my son play on sunday we are not going to play on good friday we're not going to play on easter we're not easter's a sunday it's fucking redundant not gonna like there's a whole bunch of fucking soccer games on Easter anyway fucking put your fucking finger right in that coach's face and be like we're not playing fucking

soccer on fucking Easter we don't have any games lined up it's a holiday settle down you fucking insane I would just turn back if I was a coach and be like I'm not going to put your son in the game because he's not going to get practice. He's going to suck on the team. I know. And the thing is, he says right afterwards,

we're going to honor God and if you don't like it, he can't participate. The thing is, you're saying, well, if you don't like it, he can't participate. And what they're saying is, if he doesn't go to the requisite things, then he can't participate. You're both saying the same thing. You're doesn't go to the requisite things then he can't participate right so this is a fucking it's it

you're both saying the same thing you're fired you're quit i quit who cares you're fucking gone it doesn't matter and he happens to be your star well you're not gonna get a star so yeah okay so you tell him you say even if he's the star player let's say he's the star fucking player on your goddamn soccer team okay are they gonna change everybody else's schedule in the entire league that is multi-school league to figure out how fucking little Johnny fucking Jesus freak is going to get there on Sunday? I don't fucking care. I don't care if you're fucking Pele. I'm not going to fucking change the league for you. And what fucking difference does it make if you're the fucking local soccer hero?

You know what I mean? Like, it's not like the coach is just some fucking dad. You know, it's not like he's getting paid. It's not like he's like, oh, man, we'll lose our fucking Nike endorsements. You know what I mean? It's like, well, then we'll just win a few less games. At the end of the day, it literally means nothing. It's a fucking irrelevant thing.

Who fucking cares? It's a self-esteem builder for the the kids that's all it is right oh man but look none of them are going to go on to play professional soccer in america are you kidding i'd rather be a hobo are you kidding me you still have to have another job you gotta buy your own fucking pitch cleats, let me tell you. It's like, oh, I'm a professional soccer player and the UPS guy. We're going to get so many soccer females now. You have to, like, kick your ball around your cardboard box under fucking Lakeshore Drive or whatever. You're in the locker room taking your weekly shower

to get the fucking street dirt off of you. Which would seem weird, but all the other players are homeless too. You have to survive on the leavings that are left in the arena, like the popcorn that's on the ground and shit. After the game, they don those fucking, the fucking security smocks and just like grab the stick with the pokey on it. This is the only time they get a chance

to drink unfinished beers. They're like, the whole team is powered exclusively by half drunk beers and licking the fucking nacho cheese out of little plastic containers. Oh, God. We are going to get so much mail

from so many people who love soccer so much. We're the Jacksonville Jalapenos. Oh, God. And we are here to play soccer and eat your leftovers. Oh, that's awesome, man. But I guess that assumes that there's even people in the stadium watching soccer on purpose. That's just ridiculous. I can't wait to see you.

Oh, man. Baseball players show up to laugh. Oh, how's it going, soccer boy? Hey, look at me, using my arms to hold my money. Oh, look, a special receptacle just for my hands. My hands are so important. I don't touch the ball either.

I use a fucking cow glove. But at least I get to use my hands. This clip comes from episode 228. Do you even life, bro? Released on May 25th. This story comes from news.com.au. Mom charged with murder after diluting her breast milk. So this is just a really, really sad story.

This woman was not producing enough breast milk to feed her newborn daughter. And she decided to dilute the breast milk with water. And as a result, the 10 week old baby died of water intoxication. The reason that it's ending up here, because evidently this is a thing, you know, where people don't have enough resources to pay for formula. They water down their formula. They water down breast milk because they – and they call it formula stretching to reduce feedings or to squeeze every last dollar. That shit's fucking expensive, dude. Formula is fucking ridiculous.

And kids, this is a growing time for them. Right. They need a tremendous amount of like all that stuff right and and this is a rookie mistake by the infant there's no way to get swole this way i mean no matter how hard you try you can't water that stuff down you've got it just there's no way protein bro gotta go bro rookie mistake bro god it's like using your back when you're doing squats right come on dude fucking straighten up it's like you're back when you're doing squats. What the fuck is wrong with you? Fucking straighten up. It's like you're an infant or something.

You don't know. Do you even life, bro? Oh, no. So this baby is like two and a half months old, and there was no back fat. The backbone was protruding out of this kid. Gosh. It's just starving to death. I mean, it's a starving to death baby. Well, it was on its cut cycle. It wasn't on its bulk cycle. That was the kid. It's just, it's starving to death. I mean, it's a starving to death. Well, it was on its

cut cycle. It wasn't on its bulk cycle. That was the problem. That's it, right? It's getting shredded. It may be dead, but it's sweet abs. Jesus Christ oh man those babies will do anything to get in that fucking in that perfect dress

you know what I mean oh no so you know but the reason this story is making it to our show except so we can make the worst jokes except we can make the worst. So if we go with the worst baby jokes ever is because the mom, instead of going to a doctor, she shared her concerns with the spiritual advisor.

And her husband refused to let his wife seek medical assistance and chose to pray for the child instead. And this is a family that is described as highly religious. They didn't get any prenatal care. They didn't get any postnatal care. They didn't take they didn't give vitamins that somebody bought for her. They decided to pray instead. Right. And it's like it's like, look, you know, we understand that there may be some problems

with somebody who doesn't have enough money for formula, et cetera, or they, you know, they're not producing enough breast milk and maybe they're, they're just trying to figure out the best way in which to, you know, distribute that breast milk because they don't know any better. And maybe that's, maybe that's, I understand that there's problems with that. And those are, those are systemic problems that maybe, you know, you should deal with in a different way, but clearly this, the problem stemmed from not getting help. Yeah. Right. So they're not getting help from the right resource. There, there's two different there's two different things. The last story we were talking about where people go to somebody and they don't know

how to help. And this is the exact same thing, right? This is someone who went to someone and said, how do I fix this? How do I how do I help my baby? Well, you need to pray for it. Well, you didn't fucking help them. You fucking you actually killed that baby. You didn't.

It's not that you didn't help them you wound up doing the exact opposite of helping them right you know and it should be that that the person who gave the advice that because they're acting and i mean i have to think like i'm sorry but you're you're acting in a medical role at this point it's like if somebody came to me and said like my baby's fucking sick what do i do and instead of me doing the responsible thing and saying like you know i'm really not sure because I'm not a medical professional. Let's take you to the doctor and get a professional opinion about this. If I said, like, well, you should fucking feed your baby arrowroot

or whatever fucking gobbledygook nonsense. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, I should be charged with that because I'm practicing medicine without a license at the very least. It's what they're doing is they're suggesting neglect. When you suggest prayer over intervention and medicine, you are suggesting you are advocating for parental neglect. That is what your position is. Your position is neglect. And how is that not criminal? This clip comes from episode 231. I can count to 104. Released on June 15th.

Raw story. Pat Robertson. Comfort grieving mom by saying God stopped her dead baby from becoming the next Hitler. What? All right. This is Pat Robertson. What is happening? From the old 700 Club. Here we go.

Go get them, Pat. From Jane who says, a co-worker confronted me in the break room and said she can't believe in a God who let her baby of three years old die suffering a long battle in and out of hospitals while he heals other children. She asked me, why did God allow my baby to die?

I told her that I didn't know why her child died, but God sees the whole picture. We see only in part. What else can I say? Well well what you have to understand i think uh you know in the old testament it was like god's responsible for everything is he not is he still like what who did he shirk those responsibilities because isn't he responsible for everything that's like when did like okay so he finishes writing the fucking new testament he's just like man i gotta pass off some of this work

tom isn't doing anything you beat me to it two in a row he brings out the bad he brings out the good he's responsible for everything he brings out the dead it's another thing he brings out. He takes the good. He takes the bad. He takes them both, and there he has. The facts of life. More and more in the New Testament era, we have come to realize that human beings have an agency. They have responsibility.

And a lot of things happen because of what humans do. I mean, people die in hospitals because of medical malpractice. Somebody cuts the wrong thing and somebody dies. It happens all the time. A nurse gives a patient the wrong medicine. It does. It happens all the time. And you know exactly what happened here? Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. What does this have anything to do with anything? What does it have anything to do with anything? We have no idea that medical malpractice had any relationship to the death or that there was any human agency involved at all in the death of the three-year-old child. This is literally totally unrelated. It's like he may as well be explaining how airbags work.

Were you going to blame that on God? That's not God. That's people who are making mistakes. Now, as far as God's concerned, he knows the end from the beginning, and he sees a little baby, and that little baby could grow up to be Adolf Hitler. He could grow up to be Joseph Stalin. He could grow up to be Adolf Hitler. He could grow up to be Joseph Stalin. He could grow up to be some serial killer.

Wait, hold on, hold on. Wait, hold on. Why did he kill those babies? I mean, isn't that obviously beg that question? Well, those babies made it. Like, there's been a... There was a fucking...

There was an Attila the Hung baby. There was a fucking Caligula baby. You know who grew up to be Adolf hitler you know which baby fucking adolf hitler grew up to be adolf hitler yeah and there's a kim jong-un ill baby i mean you look at him he still looks like a baby a giant fat korean baby isn't that awesome he like, well, they can grow up to be bad. Okay. Well, how about all the people who grew up to be bad? I mean, God's just like, maybe I killed him so he wouldn't be more evil. So then the only way for me to make sense of this, Cecil, is if he's saying maybe he would have grown up to be more evil than the most evil person i've already allowed to exist

so here's your comfort it's like an evil meter what like it's like it's like a gauge you know how like you have like a like a when they catch the crab they have like that little it's like a little fuck it it's like a little measure to see how big it is they just like take the baby and hold the up they're like nope yeah way too evil yeah and but i'm not gonna kill it in the womb or when it's very young i'm gonna wait till it's three and give it cancer i'm gonna wait until he's three because that way he's got like a personality that's starting to shine through he's got his own room at that right that you could go to and weep later oh look look at

that he's stringing he's stringing sentences and phrases together he's able to express just how much he loves you and just how much he hates chemotherapy now's the time to kill that little evil baby time to murder that little fucking dude who's going to be fucking the next Stalin. Right. No, worse. Worse. Worse than the next Stalin. Because we let Stalin go.

So there's your comfort, mom. Yeah. Or he could go up to die of a hideous disease. God sees all that. He didn't even get a chance to grow up to the hideous disease. He just got to three, dude. And again, people get hideous diseases people get the worst there are so many things that go wrong with the human body so yeah

fucking unbelievably horrifying shit like that locked in syndrome oh god yeah god is up there just like hmm yeah let them have that that thing have that. There's some diseases that are the worst. There's some bowel cancers and shit that are awful. Pancreatic cancer. You're just fucking dead at that point. You just start writing your fucking will when you get pancreatic fucking cancer. There's a disease that I saw a fucking crazy documentary on where your body starts to ossify, like your connective tissue and shit.

It all starts to turn to bone and you die by suffocating because your fucking chest will no longer expand and contract. Yeah, no, that wouldn't happen to me. I'm just saying like, there's a certain point you get to a certain point. And then you're like,

well, now's the day I get the gun or whatever it is that you're gonna do to finish this off right right oh absolutely like now's the day i get on the plane to go to oregon or whatever you know i'm gonna go skydiving and i'm just not pulling the cord like whatever it takes to not do that because that's not the way i go out but but this is but in this world view god is sitting up there he's like yeah i won't let that one go i won't that one where your where your body turns slowly to a statue it's like a bad goalie it's like i'll let that one oops oops that one got by oops oops that one got by sorry boys i

was having a drink on my porch with my coon dog, and I accidentally let all those diseases go by and infect all those kids at the children's ward. Whoopsie. Whoopsie doodle. Whoopsie doodle. And for that life to be terminated while he's a baby, he's going to be with God forever in heaven. So why don't you like abortion then? Right? Why don't we just kill

all why don't we just kill everybody immediately if that's what you're saying if you're saying like fucking that baby is going to be with fucking god forever and ever and that's a fucking good then why the fuck are you all up in arms about abortion why do you give a shit why would murder or suicide have any impact right it would have no impact why mourn the loss of of anybody with this in this worldview why would i mourn the loss of my you know wife or my child at all why would i even give a shit why would i celebrate it why would i buckle my kids into the car yeah why wouldn't i why would i check to see if expiration dates were on the food why would i feed them at all right why wouldn't i just take

them to places to get them fucking infectious diseases go ahead and play in the landfill kids go buy that stuff that says biological let's all just go pet bears at the zoo yeah i mean we may as well i mean go out fucking hugging a grizzly bear, whatever it takes. Who cares? So it isn't a bad thing. So how could God do that? How could a good God let that happen? Well, the good God is going to take that baby to heaven right now. And that isn't a bad thing.

What? That is the coldest comfort? What? Can you imagine if somebody said that to you my three-year-old if my three-year-old son died and somebody's like well he's in heaven you know just giving giving jesus a snuggle that's what he's doing he's up there giving god a big old hug yeah he's up there just you know that that precious way that he liked to totter up to you when you came home from work and throw his arms around you well he's doing that for jesus

yeah this clip comes from episode 250 i ate my arms released on september 21st oh man so this is from right wing watch and i and and and i want to preface this again i mean just every time that fucking glenn it's he's seriously honestly truly mentally ill and this this in particular i watched this video and i did not feel comfortable he is honestly i read the transcript and i was like he's really this is a man who is sick he's sick and he needs he needs a lot of help and nobody will help this poor guy and i don't know why i'm laughing about it but nobody will help this guy i think because his fucking message continues to play into this like uh christian yeah paranoia narrative. Yep, that Christian paranoia echo chamber.

So this is from Right Wing Watch, Glenn Beck's show. Also, what is he wearing? What is that? I think. What is happening there? That is a funky designed flannel is what it looks like to me. It's like a Tex-Mex flannel. It looks like a placemat at like a Santa Fe restaurant.

It does. That's what I mean. It's like, you look at that. Like if you flipped it over, there would be a kid's maze on the back. I just don't know which coals he robbed to get that from. You know, he's walking around and he's like, that's more like it. And he grabs it off the hanger and he brings it up. He just walks right out and starts screaming at the end of the world's coming and he's allowed to have it.

And they just let him go. They're just like, oh, that's just Glenn. He comes in here once a week. See you tomorrow, Glenn. He takes all the weird shit from our clearance rack. He looks so weird. The arm of God is starting to move and i i'm sorry to say that i think massive crisis is coming our way i don't know if it's related to shamita i don't know when it

will happen but it will happen see now he's pronouncing it like a black girl's name That's awesome. I don't know that we can use that. Oh, we're using that. I don't know that we can use that. Oh, it's awesome. Well, white people are afraid of the black apocalypse anyway. It's awesome. They're so scared.

Oh, my gosh. Shamita. Shamita. She's from Ferguson. Ferguson or Baltimore. It's a massive crisis. It's one black girl. Run.

Hide your white goods no and i think sooner rather than later but a massive crisis is coming there's something coming but i want you to know that whatever that is whenever that is and whoever that is how How specific? Whatever. Whenever. Whoever. However. Why ever. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm just here saying shit into a microphone at this point. Oh, my God. You know what he's like? He's like a punch drunk, like one of those all-night televangelists raising money guys. It's like 3.30 in the morning.

He's got fucking droopy eyes. He's been on stage. He's like, okay, everybody, let's donate some money. I don't know how much money. Who's on next for the stage show? Okay, that's really good. Somebody's got to bring me a coffee. He's just – you know what I mean?

I do. He's fucking totally lost it. He doesn't even know. He's just, you know what I mean? I do. He's fucking totally lost it. He doesn't even know where he's at. You know what he sounds like? He sounds like visiting your grandpa in the fucking nursing home. Where your grandpa's just like, his life sucks, so he's going to tell you your life sucks. Just like, I don't know what's going to happen, but it's going to suck, and it's going to be sucky, and it's going to be awful. I don't care who.

I don't care when. It's going to suck, and it's going to be sucky, and it's going to be awful. I don't care who. I don't care when. It's going to suck. He's trying to convince you the orderlies are stealing from him. They took my candy. They took my candy. I got a Bella Royals original right over there. I don't know whoever. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. I don't look to that. They're stealing from me years. Those are not a fun years. I'm just going to leave things out for myself that can disappear that i could be mad about yeah i just want you to remember that i truly believe man there's times that i say things that i know are true and this is one of them and there's other times i feed you such a line of bullshit, even I can't buy it.

You've got to love a guy who's blown away by his own truthfulness. Man, I'm really about to not lie to you. Let this one blow your hair back, kids. Old Glenn's going to let one out of the truth bag. Dropping a truth bomb on you suckers. It's old Glenn's got one out of the truth bag. Suckers. A 28 is more than a date. A 28 is when we met in Washington, D.C.

August 28th. A 28 is more of a date. It's a lifestyle, but it is also a promise. Huh? No, this is the part where he goes crazy. It's a promise. He's going to skin his producer alive in a few moments. You just got to wait for it. Yeah.

Romans 8.28. Summary, no matter what happens. He doesn't even quote it. All of it is going to be for him. All of it will work into his plan. No matter how bad it gets, we should rest assured, as long as we're doing our part, it's all going to be good. He's going to take some of the worst things that we've ever seen in our lifetime, and quite honestly, some of the worst that that any human being has seen that's

alive today now think about all those people who survived the holocaust that are still living today worse things than anyone who is alive today has ever seen we will see in the next five to eight years oh he's putting a timeline on it yeah Yeah, there we go. See, I think that that's a mistake. Five to eight years. That seems like a pretty quick turnaround unless there's some sort of really mad, awful disaster. We're talking zombie virus, smallpox rabies mixed together. Smallpox rabies is bad. That's the double whammy. Or nuclear bomb

from North Korea blows us all up. Yeah, that seems super unlikely. Seems unlikely. Seems more likely they blow themselves up with their bomb and it'd be like,

up like two feet and then, ba-doom! Sounds like my sex life. Hey, two feet! Two feet! Two feet! I was more talking about the anticlimactic premature explosion.

I'm not criticizing that part of you. I'm the only one not criticizing. Yeah, no, that seems like a pretty accelerated timeline. It's a bold prediction. It's a bold prediction. It It's a bold prediction. It's a bold prediction. It's definitely a bold prediction. I do like, though, that if you buy into that, it will be after the next presidency.

So I wonder if that plays into it, because then if his guy gets in, then it's a good four years, and then, you know, if not, I don't know. I'm just wondering. I wonder, too. You know, if I don't know, I'm just wondering. I wonder, too. You know, when he's saying this, too, what he's saying is, is that it's all for God and we're going to be OK. But you're like, no, you're not, because you're going to have to live through this, too.

Yeah, I don't understand how it's like, well, even though it's going to be super awful, it's all going to be for him. And it's like, well, if it's worse, if it's worse than the Holocaust. You know, then it's like, I don't care who it's for. There's no scenario where it could be like, oh, yeah, we turned your fucking baby into a lampshade. But, you know, we did it for God. It'd be like, war, you could have just not done that. That would have been better. I really kind of like that baby. I was using that baby you know like yeah i don't want to live through something worse than the holocaust yeah i want to die immediately before that starts it's like hey it's gonna be

worse fucking i wanted the first fucking train to the death thing that That's what I want. I want to be on the Zyklon B Express. Can you put me on there? Zyklon B Express. But understand, have great faith because all of it will be to his good and glory. All of it will be used.

There is no waste of anything with him. It's again, it's the crying Indian God. Right? There's no waste. No waste. They eat all of the buffalo, the whole thing. Even this part of the buffalo. Look, there's no waste. When they make the lampshade, they use the whole baby.

They use the whole baby. They put the entire jew in the oven what a fucking horrible way to think about the world oh there's no waste oh oh so when those when those syrian toddlers wash up wash ashore you're just like i know, use them as bobbers. Oh, my God. They're baby buoys. Boo, boo.

You just put a blinking blue light on the corpses in the water. Oh, Jesus. I take it all back. I rescind it all. Oh, Jesus. I take it all back. I rescind it all. Oh, man. You stack them up to make a lighthouse of the dead. Oh, God. What a degenerate fucking way to think.

It is really something, isn't it? You're going to talk about the most horrible. And this is what I ran into this my whole young life when I ran into the born again people. And I talked about how this is, you know, they talked about the end of the world and they talked about all this awful shit all the time. and there's this sort of sick pleasure that I think people derive from that boogeyman story that they're going to tell you about how awful the rapture is going to be. Yeah. Right. It's like a,

it's like a torture porn movie that they really just enjoy telling over and over and over again. It's the, you know, the, the, the whole night there was a clanking sound and it turns out it was the husband's ring on the back window yeah right yeah you know i mean like they're all these you know

it's a horror story it's a story that is made to horrify you and they they they glean some sort of it's like they tell it with relish they tell it with a and he sounds so reverent when he's talking about right because it's all for the glory of God. It's just – it's fucking repugnant because all it does is scare people. And that's what the tool is. It's a tool to scare you into thinking, oh, God, this is going to be really bad and I've got to make sure that I follow Jesus because five to eight years is not a long time to get my shit on track before the end of the world it's no different than the titillation of the Hieronymus Bosch paintings of hell

and stuff, you know, like oh look at the naked demons torturing the naked people in hell it's like there's a titillation to that to that violence, you know I agree that they totally fucking we've, throughout history we've fucking that they totally fucking, we've throughout history, we fucking reveled in that.

We've reveled in the idea of somebody else's pain and misery. And then, and then he tops that fucking shit with the, with the Maraschino cherry of fucking evil by saying like, he's basically saying like, well, God won't give you. And it makes me crazy when people fucking throw this fucking plum out there. Like, he's like well god never gives you more than you can handle right like it's all for the glory of god it's like god routinely fucking routinely gives people more than they can handle if there's a god yeah right yeah if there's a god and you believe this right god will give you more than you can handle that

shit is fucking standard yeah and there are plenty of people who don't handle it yeah right like all those people in the holocaust right or like you know like you know i think it like the the incredible number of veterans that commit suicide sure for example yeah like veteran suicide rates are you know that's a perfect multiplier it's a perfect higher yeah you know clearly they were given some shit they cannot handle. Right? And then they don't handle it. And yet still that platitude is out there.

Like, oh, it's for the glory of God. Oh, really? Like, how am I supposed to reconcile the reality of suffering? Yeah. With your benevolent God. How am I supposed to look at that little kid in his outfit that washed ashore? Right. Just trying to get to fucking safety from that fucking barrel bomb haven that is Syria.

Right. And then look at that and say, all glory be to God. And did you I read the story where they interviewed the father and he says, my sons slipped through my hand. Yeah. And I think that's a man who was given more than he could handle. Yep. How is he supposed to move through his life? Yeah.

All he'll ever feel is that last moment of his son slipping through his hands. Absolutely. That's the only thing he'll ever feel in his life. That's not a unique story in that Syrian conflict either. It's not like that's... It just got a good life. That's not a unique story in that Syrian conflict either. It's not like that's – It just got a good picture. It just got a good picture. Right.

I was listening to a story today on NPR where this guy says, yeah, my wife died. We left, and our boat flipped over on the way here, and I had to hold my two girls. And he lived, and his two girls lived. But his wife? But his wife is dead because she got killed by ISIS. girls lived but his wife but his wife is dead because she got killed by isis it's the only thing about that photo it's not that that photo is an anomaly it's that photo was taken yeah that's it yeah you know and and it's all for the glory of god whatever fucking silly ass it's a mean thing to say when you think about it this clip comes from episode 253

incompetent on every level of life released on october 5th so this story comes from cnn um this is just super fucking sad pathetic polygamous sex sect sext sextxt, sex. I can't do this. Sexts. That is really hard to read, actually. Polygamist sect limits. This is like a tongue twister. It is. It is. You can do it, though. I have faith in you.

All right. All right. Polygamist sect limits sex to seed bearers, court document says. Also, she sells seashells by the seashore. Wow, that is way more difficult to read than you think it should be. This is just super gross. So those fucking FLDS people are fucking wackaloon wackaloons. Yeah.

Warren Jeffs is in jail right now and for, I think, life. It's life plus 20, so he might get out so i love when they do that because it's just like oh hang on a minute i'm gonna rub some salt in that fucking wound yeah all right wait am i getting out when you're dead 20 years after that so warren jeff's in jail so So he's in jail for kitty fucking. For kitty diddling. But he was kitty diddling with two different kids. They got him for like a 15 and like a 12-year-old or something like that.

Right, I think so, yeah. And now they're talking about his church, which is the Fundamentalist Church of Latter-day Saints or something like that, FLDS, I think is what it is. They're basically the the mormon amish they are the mormon amish they got the fucking bonnet they're the more amish they are morons i agree so they are they have this new thing um called seed bearers ew right ew which is basically someone up top's cuckold fetish.

Right. Writ large on their entire. Organization. Right. Because you have to be in the room holding the hand of your wife while the seed bearer who's chosen by the church head gets to fuck your wife and inseminate her. Yes. Right. Da fuck. I know, man. gets to fuck your wife and inseminate her yes right the fuck i know man that's how do you sell that here here's the thing and i and i mean this okay if you can sell that you are in the wrong

business yes you get to go around have sex with weird fucking mini amish women or whatever like but you could sell anything. Just go be rich. Just go out into the world. Because if somebody, and I know that there's a level of indoctrination and isolation and all of that, but if somebody comes up to me, I cannot imagine a scenario where I'm like, all right, let's do this. You just think how high on Mary Kay's pyramid scheme you could climb.

Right? You know what I mean? You could be the god of Mary Kay. You'd be driving around in that fucking pink-ass car. You know what I mean? You'd have a fucking pink Cadillac. What's up, bitches? You'd have a pink Tesla.

I'd rather have a pink Tesla than bang somebody while someone else is holding their hand, because that's real weird. That's real, real weird. First off, I'd have stage fright. I'd just be like, I'm sorry. We're not performing tonight. Time to call in the stand-in because I can't perform. Do you have to act as a fluffer?

While you're here. Maybe the dude, maybe the husband has to fluff a little. He's just got to, right? Okay, can you massage my prostate while I fuck your wife? Is that possible? Good Lord, is that weird shit? Who do you make eye contact with? I hope both of them.

You know, if you got a lazy eye, you could. I'm looking at both of you. This seed bear has got a lazy eye. One of them's looking this way. One of them's looking this way. That's good shit. Part of me says if I'm the seed bear, I'd fucking lock eyes with that dude just to intimidate him. The whole time, you're like a gorilla staring him down.

He's like, that's right. That's right. I'm in your house. I'm in your fucking house. It's so awful. You can't protect this house no matter what you do. That's fucking scary. And, you know, to add insult to injury, not only are they fucking like somebody else's wife,

and you can't actually touch your wife anymore in this tradition. Yeah, you're not allowed to have sex with her anymore. Because it's adultery. Even just touching them can be adultery in their tradition with the seed bearer thing. How do you avoid that? I don't know. Sleep in different rooms. Like, fucking let's go back to Ward Cleaver time, I guess.

But I'm in the same house as this woman, and she is called my wife. I'm going to touch this woman. That's it. Like, I don't know. I don't care. Seed bearer or no. You can be the fucking water sprouter or the fucking seed bearer or the fucking lawn tiller or whatever. He's more like the field plower.

I mean, let's be honest. He is a seed bearer, but he's also. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Right. What if he starts fisting her in front of you? He's making her like he makes her strap on a dildo and peg him like right in front of you. And then you're holding his hand.

You're wiping his tears away. It's okay. Just relax. Just choke this down. You put the bit in his mouth, you know, whatever it takes. Good Lord. How weird can it get? You know, thing is, is none of that is weirder than the original thing.

I know. Like, none of that is any stranger. No level of hyperbole. Yeah, it doesn't matter. But I just want to get to this other point. The other point is, not only are they fucking kids, but they're also making them work like 12-hour shifts in the fucking almond fields or whatever. Like, the almond grove that they have to, like, or pecan grove.

I don't know what it is like some nut whatever it is yeah some mixed nut yeah not the nut that goes in the wife a different nut it's a different mr peanut in the field with a whip he's a fucking slave driver for these poor kids and it's it's just i mean everything about this church is fucking fucked up it is it's and it is – it's a level of like old-timey cult control that like harkens back to a rural America that only exists within this weird enclave where you're just like controlling the men and controlling the women and owning the kids and putting them to work. And it's like, what are you kidding me? Are they going to be in a coal mine, like singing old timey work songs? What is happening here?

There's part of me that thinks about this and I'm like, okay, so you're a guy and you get indoctrinated into this cult, right? So you get indoctrinated in this cult at a young age. At a certain point, there's this level of independence that has to, I would imagine would start to take over and you would start thinking well what what can i do outside of this thing that is better outside than it is in here or something like that i just keep thinking like well you know there's no incentive if you're if i have to just hold my wife's hand while you fuck her you know what i mean like what's the incentive to even stay there i mean i guess if you know if the women are brainwashed

like that maybe the men are brainwashed too and it doesn't matter it's just like you know you know those are the two things right either the the goal is that one day i'll be the seed bearer like it's like a fucking it's like a goddamn baton that gets passed back and forth or something like when you're old and weird i don't know probably or like you say it's brainwashing and these people are they're so entrenched and they're so afraid of hell that this this is a thing i don't know i don't know what mormon hell is like what yeah because it sounds like you know in my envisionment of what hell is like it's holding my wife's hand while a guy's fucking her yeah and she's there's nothing about that there's no way there's no way that's not the worst day but there's no way you're just

i don't even know how does that work is it is it like do they give you notice like it's thursday i'm coming to fuck yeah sure yeah i'll just let you know thursday and you're like fucking it's tuesday i got two days of waiting for you to come fuck my wife why like what are we gonna how do you have fucking breakfast wednesday morning like so ready for tim i mean like what is that conversation like what is that like because the only conversation be like we need to leave we need to fast gather your shit yeah it's getting our fucking buggy or donkey cart or whatever fucking somebody else said though too that they get i forget who it was we had some mormon maybe it was uh bryce who was saying that they get isolated they get isolated so badly from this group that there's

there's nowhere that they can go they actually they actively can't go so i guess you just suck it up you know but oh which is weird because he just fucked her do you suck it up then that's weird that's even weirder it turns out yeah just snowball her after the finishes up but clean it up oh god hey cecil where's the beef what's for dinner you gotta do like the sam whatever that guy's name is. Sam, whatever that, what's that dude? That old cowboy, Sam something.

God, what is his name? What? What's happening? You know who I'm talking about? He's the guy who's the voice. He's like, beef. It's what's for dinner. You know who I'm talking about?

It's like a Sam Elliott. I don't know. I don't know who that is. Sam Elliott. Beef stroganoff. Beef bourguignon. Irish beef stew. Beef brisoff. Beef bourguignon. Irish beef stew. Beef brisket.

Chateau Brion. Sour braten. Roast beef. Catalonian beef ragout. That voice. Mongolian beef. Chicken fried steak. It's like David Michael awesome. Steak Diane.

His voice is sick. Dude, that voice. Hamburgers. I almost can't hear it. Sizzling beef. Spicy braised beef. Barbecued beef ribs. I'd fuck that voice. I almost can't hear it. I fuck that voice. It's like that Forrest Gump thing. It is.

How long is this? It's a long time. This guy's amazing. That's just amazing. That's Sam Elliott. He's from the Tombstone. He's one of the guys in Tombstone. Oh, okay. He's got that big-ass mustache.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mustache. He's a big old mustachioed man. Fucking deep-ass sick voice. That voice is fucking amazing. His fucking voice is am is amazing. God damn. I think that voice impregnated my wife upstairs right now. Did you hold her in?

Honey. I looked into his eyes. Hold her in. Sam Elliott's going to impregnate you with his voice. And I'm fine with it. As long as it produces a deep throated kid. Baby comes out with a mustache. It's already gray.

He's got a duster on. Chaps. What's for dinner, ma? Breast milk is what's for dinner. For like a couple of years. once for dinner for like a couple of years. We're making all this light and somebody's dead. Wait, we haven't gotten to the death yet. Somebody died?

Wait, what happened? So this is from NDTV.com, but I found it in several other places. Air Force personnel's father killed by mob near deli over beef rumors. And I thought, what a shame to be killed near the Delhi. I know, you're steps away from beef. Right there by the... Oh, gosh. So, like, evidently, some folks in a temple made a rumor that there was beef and that

this family had beef in their house. No, the family, there was a slaughter. They didn't rumor that there was beef and that this family had beef in their house. No, the family – there was a slaughter. They didn't say that. They said that there was a slaughtered animal. And then these people deduced that it must have been one of the two Muslim families nearby. One of the Muslim families luckily was out probably getting a burger. They come back holding a fucking double cheeseburger like hey guys what's going on it's a big kahuna burger

you're like like you see them kicking this fucking stoning this fucking 50 year old man to death oh yeah and you're like crumple like quietly like yeah crumple up the paper and put it in your pocket your double cheeseburger it's illegal there to eat beef it's illegal to kill it so that they can't went over the house wasn't it illegal to also throw bricks at people well i mean maybe do you believe that do you believe that shit Do you believe that shit? They're like, it is so illegal to kill a cow here that we're not just going to let the government come over and fucking arrest you or whatever. We're going to get a brick and literally beat the brains out the side of your head. Yes. That's what we're going to do.

And they fucking they struck this dude down, beat him up, smashed his fucking head open, dead as fuck. Yep. Fucked his kid up up his kids fucked up and in the hospital and then they took several people into custody they also took the leg of mutton mutton i know from the fridge to do dna testing on if it's a beef to see if it's a beef as if that's somehow relevant like what if it comes back as beef? Would they be like, oh, well, let him out. Yeah. It turns out that that somehow matters to whether you murdered somebody or are they just going to be like, OK, well, let's just take that dead guy's body and put it in jail now.

Yeah. How dare you, sir? Well, who gives a shit? Who fucking cares? The thing is, like, we've seen stories like this before. And it's like, who cares if the mob was right? Yeah. It's still a lynch mob.

Yeah. That's not a good, like, you can't let that happen. That sort of, like, mob-based vigilantism bullshit is just insane. And the idea, like, it's fine if you want to have literally a sacred cow. insane and the idea like it's fine if you want to have literally a sacred cow if you have an actual literal sacred cow right cool bro yeah but when your sacred cow means that you're so incensed that you're gonna beat a dude to death because maybe he killed a cow i don't know let's not double check first. Wouldn't you double check?

How would you? Seriously though, you're a guy who knows it's illegal to kill a cow. You've never seen a cow before. How the fuck would you know the difference between beef and lamb? Well, I don't know. But I think before I started hurling bricks I would figure that out. I'd be like fucking, I need

I just want to know. I'd be like, fucking, I need, I would just want to know. I need mint sauce. It'll taste terrible on the beef. All right. This clip comes from episode 255. Keep your chin up. Released on October 19th. Also from the progressive secular humanist blog over at patheos uh guess who never to ask

advice for for marriage counseling literally any advice like i don't i don't need any of their advice i don't need their investing help i don't need i don't need to learn from them how to fold a fitted sheet like none of these things i don't need any of it i bet they're fucking awesome at folding fitted sheets because there's fucking 900 people. Those are literally impossible to fold, by the way. Those are ball sheets. That's what that is. Those are called wad nut sheets.

That's a wad nut sheet. We've got two young kids. We just sort the clothes into rough piles. Mine, yours, kid one, kid two, and that's it. And that's as good as it gets. Nothing is as good as if it. Nothing is, if it goes in the approximate room location. You know what you don't do? Just throw out the dressers

and have a clean hamper and a dirty hamper. I like that. I like the cut of your jib. You know, here's what we gotta do. This is the real solution. Four people in the house, four washers, four dryers. That's it. One in every room. Who does the laundry though because

your fucking little baby is not going to do her own laundry but he can play in the dryer speaking of terrible places to be let's talk about michelle duggar so michelle duggar um she has some advice on her family blog um this is, I can't, I'm going to read this. Yeah, dude, read it. This is advice that she's recounting that she received as a newlywed. And she must have liked the advice because she recounted it. I know you're so excited. You're a bride-to-be, but you've got to remember this.

You're the only one who can meet that special need that he has in his life for intimacy. Wait, hold on a second. Did she marry a double amputee? Is that what? That's it. We're not allowed to say amputee, are we? No, it's people with amputism. No, I think it's people with limblessism.

Limblessism. I think that's what it is. No, that's rude. They're called stumpers. Oh, shit. They're stumpersons. That's another. Rumpelstump skins. or stumpersons that's another rumple stump skins

rumple stump skins for the win oh no and cue cue the flood of angry mbt emails oh whatever they just they just match the keyboard It is matched to keyboard. It is the JDKF, JDKF, JDKF. ASD, ASD. ASD. Oh, God. That's a stick of white turtle. Oh, my God.

Alright. Someone's going to 3D print a hand just to punch us in the face we would have it coming I wouldn't even I wouldn't block I'd just be like yo you're right you're absolutely right I deserve every moment of that 3D print it and on the knuckles it would just say

Rumpelstiltskin Rumpelstiltskin or whatever. Rumpelstiltskin or whatever the fuck. So when it hits you, it's like embedded in your head. Oh no. Okay.

So. So. Shit. I don't even know how we got here. Oh. All right, so. Michelle Duggar. Those are the best moments, aren't they? When you're just like I don't even know how we got here. All right. So Michelle Duggar.

Those are the best moments, aren't they? I don't even know where we're at anymore. Where the fuck am I? It's like you wake up with your pants around your ankles in fucking Taiwan and you're just like, where the fuck is this happening? I don't even remember the flight. I don't know how much to tip you. What's customary here? What is the exchange rate for the horrible things I've asked you to do?

You're the only one, so don't forget that. He needs you. So when you're exhausted at the end of the day, maybe from dealing with little ones, and you fall into bed so exhausted at night, don't forget about him because you and he are the only ones who can have that time together no one else in the world can meet that need well unless you find them on ashley madison yeah well or you could pay a porn star and choke fucker you know i mean like there's a lot of things you could do you've got options right and there's a part where she says, and so be available. And not just available, be joyfully available for him.

And what I wonder is who's available for the man before he's married? Because they talk about the male libido like it's a force of nature. Right. And it feels like there's no way to contain this thing. It's an unstoppable thing, right? All you can do is hope to sate it for the moment that you're around it. And then eventually it's just going to explode without you. You have to direct that energy somewhere safe.

Exactly, right? You don't cross the streams. Whatever it is. But what happens before? What I don't understand is, is it just when the man marries that this is sort of the thing that happens? Because what do you as a mother tell your son before they're married? Because clearly this is a big deal and you have to be available to him because you're the only one who can do it. And they're treating it like it's this big thing, so you have to do it.

It's got to get done. It's got to get done, right? It's got to get done. It's work that needs to be done. Well, what does the mother tell the son before he gets married? Just don't do anything with it. Well, if you just don't do anything with it, something's got to get like your logic doesn't make any sense, right? It's certainly not consistent because it doesn't. It's here. You've got this man with this

unstoppable, insatiable need that can it can't be it can't be redirected in any meaningful way. It's like, it's like, get it in my pussy. That's the only place that it can go. If it goes anywhere else. Yeah, Egon's standing across the room, he hits the button and her pussy opens and then just goes right in there.

Yeah. So it's, see, I would, I would fuck with Egon in the room. I would totally fuck with Egon. I'd make eye contact. I'd let him hold her hand. Hold her hand, buddy. Hey, buddy, come on over here. Hey, just hold both her hands.

If it's Egon, I'm even willing to take a little constructive criticism. He holds out that little oh mama thing. He's like... A little to the left. All right. There we go. It's the orgasmatron. Yeah. Nicely done.

Nicely done. You have to be available, she says, and not just available, but joyfully available. Smile and be willing and say, yes, sweetie, I'm here for you. No matter what, even though you may be exhausted and big pregnant and you may not feel like he feels. Big pregnant? Hold on. Big pregnant sounds like a very dangerous cliff face that you have to climb. Like, I'm going to big pregnant this weekend.

I'm going to climb that. Holy shit, that guy fucking pre-climbed up big pregnant. I got halfway up big pregnant and aborted the mission. I don't care if you're fucking crowning. If he wants to stick a stick in there, you go ahead. No problem. I mean, is there? That's cool.

That's a little. Sure. No. Maybe a little aggressive. Well, no. I mean, you know, like little kids, they grab onto things. I mean, that's why you do stick it in there far enough. That's why she's got the butt, right?

Like, I don't want to be insensitive no yeah yeah this is this is a this is a woman though that comes from a family that you know we talked about earlier the unstoppable libido of the man that's why they forgave their kid for diddling all their other kids right sure because they he just can't control it you just can't control it and i think that that it's one of those enabling things that enables someone to basically i mean this enabled that kid that kid to grow up and be a you know a horn dog you know whatever he was doing on ashley madison what who gives a shit what he was doing i don't care whatever. Go fuck around with whoever you want. The problem is that while he's doing that,

praising the sanctity of marriage, he's also doing basically doing what other people would say would ruin your marriage. And his wife, clearly, is saying that's only... This is a thing that's a special bond. She's not like, hey, let's have an open marriage.

Is that his mother or his wife? Well, Michelle Duggar is 49, so it's got to be his wife, right? Oh, my God. Did she have fucking. Right. Oh, she started hopping him out early if that was. Wait, maybe not. I don't know.

49. I don't know. What the fuck is a Michelle Duggar? I don't even know anymore. Michelle Duggar, I think, is the mom. 49, man. Dude, she's awfully young to have 19. 19 kids, she's 49.

Yeah. Dear God, man. She's got a giant floppy, floppy pussy, man. That thing's fucking, that thing claps when she walks down the street. God damn. That's a fucking revolving door snatch. You know what I mean? I walks down the street. God damn. That's a fucking revolving door snatch. You know what I mean? I can't even imagine.

God damn. I would be intimidated by that thing. I'd be like, I can't. I would take, I feel like I'd take one look and be like, I am not going to make that happen. I'll tell you what. Uh-uh. Nope. Jesus.

I can't. I got nothing for you, honey. That's it. The only way I can fuck you is if I strap a kid on there. You wouldn't even notice. Fuck you with a kid on my crotch. You wouldn't even notice anything coming in and out. It's like a weird latex strap on baby.

Baby-shaped dildo. Strap on cabbage patch. And I don would have the eyes that open and close. When you get done, it just says, Mama. This is a horrifying episode. So far, it's been really bad. It's been really, really bad.

Just excessive. This clip comes from episode 257, Andy and Marsh from MSS, released on October 26th. So I know who I'm voting for. Wouldn't you have to go to Ohio to vote, though? I would, but I'm kind of willing at this point. This is from NBC24.com. This is the best picture there's a woman named opal covey uh her signs her like her crazy she looks crazy as hell

she looks fake she looks like a halloween mask she looks like she looks like a ventriloquist dummy is what she looks like she looks like the horrible like messed up smashed face of a mama son at a fucking creepy massage parlor that's what she looks like you sound like a man with experience i'll trust you on this tom go ahead and her her like behind but like her her what about her behind oh no come on hey you're putting words in my mouth. God damn it. It's better than putting something in Mama San's mouth there. Like the signage for her campaign. God, I got to scroll down.

I can't even look at that anymore. The signage for her campaign. Want a pot of gold? And then it says dollar signs. Vote Opal Covey for mayor. A miracle worker. So she's evidently blind and deaf, but she's the miracle worker. What is the things that she does?

She, like, speaks in tongues, and do they not have a vetting process? It's like, you are too crazy to ride this ride? Like, do they have? You know, because out here, in order to get ammunition, I have to fill out a form that shows I'm fucking not crazy. Right. Well, yeah. You fill out a form that doesn't show you're not crazy.

That's true. Where you just say, I totes promise. I really promise, bro. I'm not crazy. Totally not crazy. I'm not going to use this to shoot my wife who just cheated on me, bro. I'm not crazy. The voices say I'm fine.

Right? Yeah. No, but at least you have to be sane enough to say no. Right. In this, what do you just be like, oh, yeah. Can we hear her? Yes. Don't you sigh ungratefully.

Okay, so there's a picture of her on the screen. I shit you not, she looks like an angry piggy. She looks like, I'm not kidding. Come over here and look at this. All right, I'm coming. All right, I shit you not, she looks like an angry piggy. She looks like... I'm not kidding. Come over here and look at this. Alright, I'm coming. I love it. That's where they froze it. That's where the dude froze her face. They had every fucking ability.

These editors had every ability to move her face however they wanted. They chose this picture of her face where she is squinting and looking. Oh, she looks amazeballs in this picture. She looks so crazy. I just want everybody to go to this video. And I'm just going to take a screenshot of it right now. I'm going to post it on these week's show notes because that's what we've got to do.

Oh, my God. There we go. I've got an image of it right now. I'm going to post it on this week's show notes because that's what we've got to do. Oh, my God. There we go. I've got an image of it. I've been running four times. This is the fifth. But I really actually won the election in 2013. Now, this might be a shock to you, but it's no shock to a lot of people because my votes have been stolen ever since I've been running. Opal Covey believes that in her heart of hearts.

She refers to herself as a prophetess and says she's a licensed ordained minister. I asked her why she chose to run again in 2015. God sent me to look upon the city of Toledo, and so therefore I had to go through everything that the citizens went through. Now, 38 years later, I know the city up one side and down the other. And I'm here to be mayor of the city of Toledo. On the subject of issues, Kobe says potholes are a problem and corruption within the city. But what she's become known for is her desire to fill Toledo with tourist attractions.

The tourists are never going to go to Toledo. What I love is... Wait a minute. You can fill Toledo with... All of Toledo could be a giant fuckable pussy. It'd be like that children's museum down in St. Louis. It'll be like a six-story pussy. You could just climb in and fucking shoot.

You couldn't, Phil. You couldn't. There's nothing you could do that's going to drive tourists to Toledo. Are you kidding me? Tourists to Toledo? It sounds like a bad book, like a bad children's book. Or apocalyptic. Oh, my God.

There's tourists in Toledo. Oh, God. That's amazing. Tourists in Toledo. What are you kidding me? You could hand out free meth and blow jobs and you still couldn't get one fucking tourist to go to toledo they're like they're like thousand dollar bills they're handing out to people that show up and

they're like no man i'm just passing through toledo i don't want to get gas in this fucking place. Are you kidding me? Jesus Christ. In Toledo? A tourist? Are you high? You're high in Toledo? That's awesome. Amusement parks. That will bring great wealth. Prior to our interview ending, I asked Covey, as is customary, if there is anything else she would like to add. After

pausing, she offered this. Great destruction will come upon you. Thank you, Jesusesus that was a confirmation if people don't give me what i earned in 2013 back and i'm not on that seat we gotta hear that again tom is paralyzed she's she's just fucking has a seizure great destruction will come upon you. Thank you, Jesus. That was a confirmation. Thank you for your vote, Jesus. If people don't give me what I earned in 2013 back, and I'm not on that seat, in November, then you'll see God coming

and visiting the city in the greatest destruction you've ever seen. That's not a tourist, you know. He'll come back and fill your potholes. That's a euphemism. Let me fill that pothole. Yeah, it's a euphemism for fucking the five-story pussy that's in downtown Toledo. She seems perfectly electable.

She sounds like the back-masking you just left. She did. She did. That's awesome. I love her. I love her. Want a pot of gold okay all right sure fair enough you fucking i'm the scab man this clip comes from episode 261 love of water balloons released on november 23rd

released on November 23rd. Fuck. In Burma, also known as Myanmar, I don't know. Maybe Myanmar is also known as Burma. Constantinople is Istanbul. I don't fucking know. They're getting death threats from extremist

Buddhist monks. I didn't even know you could be an extreme Buddhist monk. I mean, how close can you shave your head? I don't know. just take the skin right they're just like they have to hold their head under their arm they're just saying i like i got a fucking pumpkin replacement it matches their robes it totally does it falls off whenever they're doing their kung fu yeah no yeah and when you get punched in it it just takes one good punch right put your hand

right through a pumpkin that's terrible yeah um but this is pretty fucking crazy so um in burmese which is evidently a language uh there is no word for vagina. What do you have to say? What do you say? Hey, Han, I want to put it in your stuff. What do you say? You just say front butt. That's all you can say. Can I have access to the hot pocket?

What do you say? There's not even a word. At no point was somebody like like we should call that something hey can I put my penis in your not penis that's amazing that's amazing we have like 150 words for vagina

we could just give them one be like okay guys gashash gash is yours you guys can just say gash that's what that's fine yeah i would think that you would i would think that even if you were trying not to at some point you've got to refer to the female genitals accidentally just by fucking sheer necessity like that amazing like somebody's like yeah the baby's coming out well from where i don't know i'm not sure somewhere i don't know it's not her belly button it's not not her asshole. It's like vagina. The word is like Voldemort.

Like you're not allowed to say it. The parts which must not be named. Yeah. Well, the Buddhists are crazy. That's so weird, man. I think that's about right where we should be on this one. Well, they got some. I want to talk about some of the social taboos around women's genitalia

because they're so crazy. This is amazing. Garments. Clothes that come into close contact with a woman's lower half. I love the lower half. Lower half. Not her vagina. Maybe that's what they say. The whole lower half is kaput.

You can't touch it all. Anything under the navel is just like dude you're just like running at women with their penises out slapping them against the bellies like i don't know where to put this i never told me the place it's somewhere in your lower half i don't know what to do. That's such a large area. It's like half of you. I'm just slapping my dick on your knee. I don't know what it is.

Am I having sex with you? I don't even know. Well, it doesn't matter. I already ejaculated. Is it good for you? You covered my fucking ankle in goo. Well, it doesn't matter. I already ejaculated. Yeah, was it good for you? It wasn't. You covered my fucking ankle in goo. I don't know.

I folded your leg over and fucked the back of your knee. Is that okay? I mean, it was a hole. So garments that come into close contact with a woman's lower half, such as the traditional skirt, whatever thing, or underpants are considered unclean even after they've been washed. Well, why wash them? They're not going to get clean. They're also believed to have the ability to rob men. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

So what do they just throw them out afterwards? It's like you have disposable pants. I don't know. You're just like, hey, I wore a skirt today, so I should probably throw that away or it'll be unclean. These will never be clean because even after you've washed them, they're still unclean. Or do you just presume? The Maytag guy is just like, no, man, it's cool. Like, throw it in here.

That's why we built this thing. It works great. It's like, it'll be clean. I don't know what to tell you. That's awesome. Put it in here. It's great. It's like, it'll be clean. I don't know what to tell you. That's awesome. Put it here. It's fine. They're also believed to have the ability, these clothes, right, are believed to have

the ability to rob men of their hapun, a concept that should mean vagina, but doesn't. It means masculine power. Nothing from a woman's lower half is going to rob me of my masculine power I'm still young enough that I'll get it back in about 15 minutes yeah no matter what I'll give him some masculine power here you go

so it says as such it's thought that these items of clothing should never be hung in a place where men will have to walk underneath them oh my god right because it's the fucking past it is also unacceptable to wash men's clothes in the same bowl or machine as women's garments for fear of contamination or loss of power what what are we like we're like batteries or something like johnny five it's old-timey it's all old old timey stuff dude and i mean these guys are even more

old timey than the fucking than the amish look at these guys they don't even have buttons let alone zippers it's just it's like a one wrap these people wear wraps yeah i don't know giant they're like tortillas these are dudes walking around in a glorified sarong talking about losing their masculinity. Tom and Cecil will be back on Monday with a new episode. But until then, we'll leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative,

acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, Late Night Info Docutainment, Leo, Pisces, Cancer Cures, Detox, Reflex, Foot Massage, Death in Towers, Tarot Cars, Psychic Healing, Crystal Balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, Aliens, Churches, Mosques and Synagogues, Temples, Dragons, Giant Worms, Atlantis, Dolphins, Truthers, Birthers, Witches, Wizards, Vaccine Nuts, Shaman He vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides.

Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. Doubt even this. Outro Music you