Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 271: From the New Gloryhole Studios

Episode Date: January 11, 2016

 

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. smells bad, don't ever go to Beaumont, Texas. Houston smells like a basket of fucking roses compared to Beaumont. Beaumont's got a ton of refineries, and it always smells like someone just ripped a large one and didn't fan out the fire. Glory hole. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Tom, we are now recording from our brand new studio. Dude, look around. Look around right now. I'm looking around. Are you seeing this?

This is the majesty. The majesty of our brand new studio. Are you unscrewing that bourbon flask? I am. All right. We're not supposed to say that looking around. Are you seeing this? This is the majesty. The majesty of our brand name. Are you unscrewing that bourbon flask? I am. All right. We're not supposed to say that in the air because we're not allowed to drink in here. Yeah. I think from the smell on the elevator, drinking is the least of the concerns in this building.

We are recording live from our brand new studio here in Chicago. We have an address now that we can just tell people. We can just tell them. We're at three four five north loomis it's fucking amazing there you go here we are in fucking glorious studios this is five north loomis actually glory hole studios uh you know i feel like uh i can make it on my own you know i feel like a three-le elephant or whatever. You know, a two legged elephant named Tenderfoot. Right.

I will say, I will say the listeners may hear the loud thudding bass because we are at the music garage and you're not going to get a quiet studio here, but you will get studio space. Yeah. So, and it's fucking cool. It is pretty nice cecil are you ready i'm ready recording from glory hole studios in chicago actual chicago this is cognitive dissonance every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way we bring critical thinking skepticism

and irreverence to any topic that makes the news makes it big or makes us mad it's skeptical it's political and there is no welcome app which soon will be outside the front door of our motherfucking studio bitches super exciting super exciting this is the coolest thing we have done in a long time you know know, Glory Hole Studios was a great place. Yep. But this new Glory Hole Studios is, I think, superior in every way. One word. Upgrade.

Yeah. Upgrade. That is the word of 2016. That is the word of 2016. Upgrade. In every way. Absolutely. Upgrade, my friend.

In every conceivable way. So while we are upgrading, let's just launch right into the very first story. This is from the Progressive Secular Humanist blogs over at Patheos. Christian extremist leads armed occupation in Oregon. This is all over the news. A bunch of brave extremists took over a wilderness refuge, a federal wildlife refuge in rural Oregon. I'm sure they met with the rough and tumble resistance of perhaps a single volunteer. Right.

Who said, peace, the owl pellets ain't worth it. Nobody is there. It's like abandoned. Right. They're just like, we're occupying this land for freedom. For land. Because we are angry and we are weird. I will say this.

Yes. They have been roundly attacked on many levels. And one of the ways in which people are talking about this particular group is they're saying, this group, imagine if this group was another group. If this group was Muslim. I've heard the same thing. If they were black or whatever it is they were some minority group imagine how we would be treating them if they were armed insurgents but if they were muslim or black they'd be dangerous oh that's terrible oh my god oh that's terrible god so where you know but the one thing that that i did find about this story is in the atlantic there was an article that they were

talking about how this a lot of the people that are involved in this are sort of standing up to this no mandatory mini minimum stuff sure the supporters now we're talking about i think we're talking about the supporters right that's that's who took over because this was all prompted when as from from the atlantic article i guess some dudes did a backburn to save their land they were concerned about they had some acreage that they had um and they were they had cattle or some shit yeah shit on there and they were they did a farm thing that they have to do i just assumed the food comes from a store i don't know i think there's a front end of that, but I don't really know how that is handled.

That's for fucking other people. Exactly. Yeah. It's like podcast mixing. Like, I just know what happens. I'm not aware how. You nozzle. Yeah.

Thanks. So these guys, they did a back burn. So they did basically a controlled burn to try to make sure that the wildfire that was nearby wouldn't spread onto their land, right? It's a reasonable, sensible thing to do. Sure, sure. About an acre of federal land got burned in the process. The damage, the total dollar value damage was under $1,000. So the property damage, according to the Atlantic article for the burn that they did on federal land was under $1,000.

But the Department of Justice went after them based on basically like anti-terrorism charges. Sure, sure. And then when they were sentenced, the judge was like, well, look, I'm not going to sentence you to the fucking mandatory minimum because it would attack my conscience to do so. He said almost that, shocked my conscience. He gave them minimal sentences, relatively speaking. Actually, the sentences they got were still pretty harsh. Like the one dude got a year, two one-year sentences, and the other guy got several months. I think that's a lot for $1,000 of property damage. I know.

Nonetheless, that's what they got. They served their time. And then the Department of Justice appealed the ruling and said, look, that's bullshit. It's a mandatory minimum. You give them the fucking minimum. And they had already served the time that they had been asked to by the judge. Right. And then so they got apprehended again.

Right. And then a bunch of people said, that's some bullshit. Yep. And they, in protest, did this. Yeah. Now, I'm not convinced that an armed takeover of federal land is ever the best possible idea, right? I mean I don't know that that's how you effectively protest because it's – there's no way that it's going to end in a way where somebody says, you know what? You got me there.

Let them go. It's not going to happen. And it's not – I really don't think also that an issue like this even though i think mandatory minimums are fucking awful i think that that's a terrible idea i think that's i think it's the worst possible idea a mandatory minimum i don't understand at all mandatory minimums were put in place during the time of you know that during our when we had a lot more crime and we had a lot more uh what we had was people that were afraid. And so they decided, you know what? If we somehow give people minimum sentences,

then they will stop doing the thing, these violent crimes, et cetera. But then they extended it to drug crimes, to arson, to other things, right? And there's these mandatory minimums. And this thing in particular, they're saying it's terrorism or something? It's not fucking terrorism.

It's fucking ridiculous. And the Department of justice even says that you know in part of their original complaint the department of justice says like oh they were they were burning to do an illegal deer hunt how was that terrorism i know were the terrorism like muslim like were the deer muslims like what's going on like exactly or muslim deer i don't understand it's crazy it's just it's madness. But nonetheless, so this group of people is, you know, they've bravely decided to occupy an abandoned building. And I mean, awesome.

Great protest. Sure will be ineffective. And then these guys are all going to go to jail. You know how this ends. Well, I mean, at this point, from what I read, people just don't care. They're just like, okay, we'll stay in your little mud hut. Like, who cares? But at some point, the government's going to be like, well, they're just like okay we'll stay in your little mud hut like right who cares but at some point the government's gonna be like well we're just gonna we're gonna jail you later like you can't live here forever the group made such bad choices

coming in that they had to like send out for snacks because they're like well we didn't plan this at a time we didn't think we'd actually win can anybody call up grubhub on their phone you know maybe get some takeout burritos? Did anybody bring food? No? This is the worst planned takeover of a federal wildlife refuge I've ever been to. Who's in charge here? Abortions for all.

Very well. No abortions for anyone. Very well. No abortions for anyone. Abortions for some. Miniature American flags for others. This story comes from Right Wing Watch. This is Gordon Klingenschmitt.

We haven't had a Klingenschmitt story in a long time. It's true. We haven't heard him. We've been cleaning ourselves much better. We don't have those Klingers. It it's all right but here we go we got a klingenschmitt he's a talky see so that's our favorite kind this is our best kind this is the best kind so this is gordon klingenschmitt blames demonic influence for failure to defund planned parenthood this is from right wing watch you know there is a battle in congress and it's sometimes it's between congress and the white house sometimes

it's between the abortion providers and the pro-life groups and all of these people are out there protesting and then congress is on the inside and they're negotiating and besides all of those people that are involved did you know there's also a spiritual world i didn't i didn't know that i didn't know that i wonder i wonder how he knows that someone told him that's what i wonder yeah you know i want to write it in a really old book did you know that uh in addition to the fine folks in congress who are trying to like talk it out and figure out solutions to the problems there's actually also a uh unicorn battle that is happening it's a it's like a pokemon yeah it's an underground Yu-Gi-Oh versus Pokemon battle.

It's, you know, I choose Pikachu or fucking what? How would you know any of this is thing? How would you know? He says it like out of thought. Did you know there's also spirits and demons and whatever else? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that because you fucking made it up. Well, he didn't make it up,

but he read it somewhere. That is influencing these key players. And when I talk about discerning of spirits, what I mean is that we should look not just at the human actors, but at the invisible spirits that are influencing their morality. How are you going to fucking look at invisible things?

How are you going to look at invisible things? I think you need a... Yeah? Come on. Come on. Fuck it. I'm open, bro. I don't know.

Come on. Bring it in. I'm going to look. I think we also have to look at the invisible world. Oh, yeah. I'll use my fucking invisible magnifying glass and we'll play invisible Sherlock Holmes. Like, what are you... Are you fucking kidding me?

What is the methodology for that? Check out the invisible world. I'll just use the one that I can see and touch and taste and feel and have evidence for. Sure. It literally solves and provides for all of my needs. And the spirits can be discerned through Ouija boards. Oh, crystal balls. Oh.

Snowmen. Testicle rubs. Oh, no. The vehicle, the foil that we use on this program is morality. Wait, what? You can discern them with morality? I can use morality to see demons? No, yeah.

Really? Yes, maybe. Demorality demons? Demorality? I don't know what that is. Maybe the next sentence he says will make it. It'll clear it all right up. It'll clear it right up.

It'll clear it right up. And when the evil spirit, the spirit of Satan, influences people to sin, and the people humanly choose sin, they're listening to and cooperating with and collaborating with and contracting with that evil spirit who gets inside of them and becomes manifest through their behavior i see what there we go yeah uh if you do basically saying possession yeah you're basically possessed right that when you when you when you like lie about something if if you're like yeah i'm I'm going to the grocery store, and what you're really doing is leaving your wife and family forever, then, for example, that would be a great example. Like, oh, I'm going out for a pack of smokes.

Then you just drive away, never to be seen again. That's possession. That's what that is. I've done that to like three people. You're a fucking monster. I don't know what you want me to tell you. You're a fucking monster i don't know what you want me to tell you you're a fucking monster there's there's three families waiting for me to come home right now like that is the farthest i've ever seen anyone go get a pack of cigarettes i don't think he's gonna bring back

cigarettes he doesn't even smoke we thought that was odd or on the other side the holy spirit of god the other side well that's glory hole yeah right that's on the other side the other side give or receive i don't you know i'm a little column a column b yeah right yeah hey look if you're in you're in the glory hole you're in it to win it right you know i mean you're fucking all in you're just like you're like well i'll either put my dick in there i'll put my mouth there i don't care it's fine whatever i'm here to i'm here to participate does that do you ever what like i don't actually as far as a glory hole etiquette is concerned like do two people ever just both try to stick their dick like yeah the sword fight to get right you're just like fucking no no man you're gonna suck my dick or like just two months

hey then they create like a negative pressure zone they both get stuck and you have to call the fire department it's like it's like it's like that scene from well it's a much dirtier version of the scene from Christmas story you're just stuck yeah I mean like do you have to like a secret knock yeah you're gonna take it

this time you like okay you have to like put your finger in there and wiggle it twice and be like I'm gonna do this in a minute. Right. Just so you know. Or are they labeled? Yeah. Maybe they're labeled.

Enter only. Stick dick here or whatever. Right. Yeah. Gives people grace to choose holiness and influences and persuades us using his words of truth. And his spiel and magic helmet. Words of truth. And his spewing magic helmets. Words of truth. What are you using?

My words of truth and my cudgel of disgust. And my bludgeon of despair. I use my cudgel of disgust at the glory hole all the time. To promote that which is holy. For example, to promote life and to stop killing innocent children in the world you notice how he stopped there he's like stop killing pause innocent children right because you know these guys all these guys none of these guys want to stop killing right well and this guy's former military right like so to some degree it'd

be difficult to be military and not at least have the tacit understanding that there are some people you sometimes kill, right? Because the military is sort of on that side of the fence, right? They're not like, yeah, we're the Navy, but we're just going to lob pineapples. I don't think that's what that giant gun on your airship is for. We're just going to go ashore and hug people. Is that okay? What we're going to do is just send our sailors with venereal diseases to your shore. We're going to go on and mediate conversation.

We're like a conflict resolution Navy. Yeah. With jets. Exactly. We're like the conflict resolution aircraft carrier full of nuclear weapons. That's what we are. When they have toiled and they can't find any cure to HIV, and they come to the church and you lay hands and they start walking,

they will see power. They will all run to the house of God. For the Bible says in the last days, all shall run. All shall run. They will run. will run they will come man i have such good news for you cecil what's that such good news um pat robertson i mean it's kind of a good news bad news okay it's good news bad news i guess i should say does it matter do you want the good news first or the bad which one would you rather i have i'm gonna go with the bad news okay bad news first and then i'll and then i'll and then I'll soften the blow after the fact, right?

Soften your blow. Yeah. So my blow starts soft and finishes soft. The God. Bad news. Bad news. Bad news. I'm waiting.

War is coming. War. It's on its way. Okay, war is coming. It's bad. It's one of the horse people of the apocalypse or whatever. Sure, yeah. It's coming.

Yeah. It's on its way. Do not panic. Robertson's TV show is going to be fine. I know. So when the barrel bombs are falling... That's not good news, though. That's bad. I said good news, bad news.

Barrel bombs, bad. But just before your house falls upon you and destroys everyone you've ever loved, you'll be able to watch 700 Club. I would actually think that the good news, bad news would be reversed. Reversed? Yeah, like good news, we're at war. Bad news, no one's ever going to land a barrel bomb on his mug.

On Pat Robertson. Pat Robertson would survive. He's like the cockroach of televangelism, right? Like an ICBM could hit him right in his fucking face, and he'd just swallow it whole. He looks like Elastic Man after he's been washed and dried. You know what he looks like? He looks like an elderly version of Stretch Armstrong.

That has been way stretched out, and he doesn't return anymore. His arm's like, one arm's like six feet long. It's so gloopy, floppy. It's like you left him on the rear window of your car when you were a kid. He's now Melt Armstrong, you know? He's like, ah, it's fucking Disappointment Armstrong. He is Melt Armstrong.

Let's listen to him. He's going to tell us how great it is. His network's going to prosper. I may as well see it now. The only real, well, I guess prophetic thing that I had to say was that I felt the word is clear in Isaiah that the oil fields of Saudi Arabia are going to be set on fire. And I think that we're going to see whether it's ISIS, whether it's al-Qaeda, or whether it's Iran, or whether it's... Just keep naming them. Or whether it's eagles.

Just keep naming them, whatever it is. Yeah, fucking badgers. Sure, could be. Marmosets. Yeah, whatever. Jellyfish. You know, whatever it is. Small, small leaves.

It could be, who knows? A piece of quartz. It's just anything. We're just naming, we're just fucking naming things. The toothbrush I threw away this morning. Anything could start it. Pretty much anything. It's a little known fact that the oil fields of Saudi Arabia will instantly combust when

they come into contact with anything else at all. Especially ISIS. Yes. Yeah. Keep away from ISIS. ISIS that wants to sell oil. Yeah. No, they want to burn it first.

That's actually, it's reusable once you burn it. No, that's not a thing. Look, energy can't be destroyed, buddy. Yeah, right. Matter can't be created or destroyed. So like Deepak Chopra and quantum, so you can go ahead and burn it. A rain down of, well, it wouldn't have to be nuclear, just regular bombs. Could the rusted ore fields are so exposed? of, well, it wouldn't have to be nuclear, just regular bombs.

Could the rusted oil fields are so exposed. The refineries are so exposed. Those huge oil fields are so exposed. The pipelines are so exposed. You're not exposed when you're just in the middle of a fucking godforsaken desert. Protected by America, right? Let's be fucking blunt here. We use Saudi, we protect saudi arabia the united states has a fucking incestuous relationship with the saudi family

we protect saudi arabia because we want access to that oil nobody's going to attack saudi arabia now or tomorrow or ever and it's also in the middle of a fucking nothing desert it's a fucking garbage land it's worse than garbage if it didn't have fucking crushed liquid dinosaurs that we want to set on fire later underneath it it would be fucking the moon it would be so right no one would no one would ever ever ever go there nobody except there happens to be oil right yeah it's fucking garbage land it's like canada yeah it's not that bad no it's it's toledo yeah and now suddenly i come back come back from what the dead yeah he came back he just he dies every year around the same time it just pops right back up they just right around right around october he goes down it starts to decline but they just

defibrillate him for like 48 straight hours and the headline is is that Saudi and Saudis, you know, executed a Shia clergyman who really wasn't all that radical. And they killed him. And the Shias around the world are going ballistic. So the Saudis and the Shias break relations. The Bahrainis and the Saudis break relations. The Emirates are breaking relations with Iran. And as sure as we're alive, the oil fields in Saudi Arabia are going to be set on fire. Watch what happens. It'll be so easy to do it, and it will be done. And when that happens, the price of oil, $150 a barrel,

$200, I don't know how much it's going to really go through the roof. Which is exactly what Russia would like to see. Russia would love it. So the Saudis have been so selfish. They have been so atavistic, if I can use that term. And they've hurt the Iranians. They've hurt the Russians. and they've hurt the Iranians, they've hurt the Russians, they've bankrupted Venezuela, and they are bankrupting dozens of the oil producers here in America. And the revenge is coming quickly to them,

and they're so vulnerable. If you just see those things, they're just out there on the surface. Where else would you put your oil fields other than on the surface? What are you going to bury your oil field? Are you going to put your fucking pumps underground? Are you going to put your refineries underground? Yeah, they're on the surface. That's where you put buildings on the surface of the earth. I don't even know what that means. It's just right there on the surface. What are you going to put them under a dome? Are you kidding me? You're going to build a castle around it around right like they don't even have any siege walls back in my day when we were sieging castles i remember when richard the lionheart yeah look you're a million

years old man you're a fucking million years old it'd be so easy if if somebody just yeah right it'd be so easy to fucking invade saudi arabia and set the fucking oil fields on fire you think that would be fucking easy yeah it'd be easy as as easy as invading kuwait right yeah give it a whirl yeah the earth would be like we kind of need the oil so right um there's a lot there in there yeah right totally worth some young boys dying for it's the reason we don't care when saudi arabia commits evil acts exactly we don't give a shoddy rate we talked about this on the show a million times and then they could come over here and they could fuck we'll line up children for them to rape right let's just be like whatever it's all good here's top 12 we got we got uh some

oil 19 over here dude 19 of the like i feel like 18 or 19 of the fucking hijackers from from the 9-11 attack were from fucking Saudi Arabia. We invaded a different country instead. Yeah. We're like, oh, that's bad. Anyway, don't do it again, Saudi Arabia. Anyway, let's go invade Afghanistan.

It's ridiculous. We'll let them do anything. They'll fucking behead whoever they want. We don't give a fuck. Who's that guy on the other side of the glory hole. It's Jesus. So the story also comes from Right Wing Watch. Hey, you know what's interesting?

People still go to Pat Robertson for advice, even though his advice seems to be uniformly immoral and terrible. I wonder how badly he's going to this one up let's let's listen to him this first one is from jonathan pat who says i got involved with hookers the day i turned 18 that's gonna be great you know any story that starts with anyway super christian funny pat robertson hey there I got involved with hookers. Fucking amazing. Amazing.

Because my mother sexually assaulted me when I was younger. My father was not at fault for this because he was at work providing for his family during the abuse. Should I call the police and have my mother charged now that I can speak up? Or do I turn the other cheek? Hold on a second. He starts it out with, I got involved with hookers because my mom was sexually assaulted me like that's no that's how you do it why even mention the hookers because the thing is like fucking what the hookers came in like what what are we doing if you're if you're and i don't even know what involved with hookers is like i don't want to get involved with a hooker you know like well there's a level of involvement

i don't know that i'd say we're involved yeah you know it's like if somebody comes over to meet your hooker friend you're like are you guys like involved no we're keeping it cash it's uh we're just she's just you know i mean i'm not we're not like we're not real serious about yes you know she just she is wearing my leather jacket though she's my lady of the night and it's me all right she's got my varsity jacket on she's gonna take a bath in my bathtub a little later and then i'm gonna call her julia roberts to have a fucking giant horse face and then george costanza's gonna try to rape her it'll be amazing it'll be amazing time it's gonna

be fun in case you're wondering my father's now dead. Yeah, fucker. I love this letter so much. This is the greatest letter. Who wrote this? I want to listen to the whole letter again. Let's just start it from the beginning. What other details? And my dog is fucking gut.

Dog AIDS. We're just saying sad stuff. My dad's dead now, too. Fucker. All right, here we go. The whole letter again. This first one is from jonathan pat who says i got involved with hookers the day i turned i love the way she pronounces it hookers

hookers she's like hookers hookers hookers i got involved with prostitutes like we're just we're just making weird sounds and 18 because my mother sexually assaulted me when i was like that he waited till he was of age oh yeah no yeah you don't want it look if you're gonna if you're gonna get a hooker you don't want to break the law you know what i mean like it's like it's like you're waiting outside the whorehouse for a bum to buy a hooker for you it's like waiting till 21 to smoke a joint you give a homeless man five extra bucks to buy you a hooker he comes out he's got like two hookers it's just like you don't have to put me

in the bag i'm a human being it's like shut up you're a hooker i'm not of age my father was not at fault for this because he was at work providing for his family during the abuse should i call the police and have my mother charged now that I can speak up, or do I turn the other cheek? In case you're wondering, my father's now dead, but I never had the courage to tell him what happened to me until I was in my late 20s. Well, when did this happen?

Isn't there a statute of limitations on this anyway? Isn't this kind of an irrelevant... I don't know this, but... I hope so. I mean... You're the worst person i've ever known you're a monster that's amazing i'm counting on it it's in the calendar i'm just saying i have like a google notification for the day it's like you're

looking at it's like your buddy looks at your account. He's like, why does it say all clear? Why is there a countdown for six years on here? What is that? Weird. Let's hear what Pat has to say, though, because I'm sure it's sage advice. You're like, look, wise. If you're going to go for the hookers, make sure you beat your nose up there first to smell it.

You got to smell it first. Oh, God. I think the thing to do is let that thing rest what what thing i would let it rest too sounds like he needs to he already saw the hooker fucking exhausted from being inside all that yeah i gotta yeah i gotta let it rest but it's only a couple minutes because i'm still in my 20s right so fine i'll be fine in a few minutes breeze you know what i mean i'm good grief your mother assaulted you it's it's hard to believe that's terrible so here this guy comes to you fucking heart and hand is like terrible things have happened to me please give me advice i probably just don't

believe you oh all right are you sure you didn't deserve it yeah well it happens it happens well it's so rare but in any event she's your mother and i mean you've got to love her well he already did she loved him a little more than you should a little that's a little bad touch hug that's no good that's uh they don't let you do that one anymore nor ever actually in almost any place but amish communities i pray that she might find the lord and and God will forgive her for that and you should forgive her too. But are you going to charge her and ask her to be put in jail now that you're in your late 20s?

Of course not. No, we wouldn't want criminals in jail. We wouldn't want child abusers in jail because then God won't forgive you if you're in jail. He can't get through the concrete and the bars. That's how God... I'm rewarded by anything rigid. I'm just, whatever is rigid, I'm okay with things that are sloppy and that

kind of little loose. That's why I like my old coon dog. He's a little sloppy and loose. That's why he likes Pat Robertson's face. I love Pat Robertson's cheeks. Jowly. Huge fan of his cheeks. He's got a fucking vagina on his face. I don't know what the dismissive is on that whole thing.

We just like this one. Eh. You can't. Here's the thing. I've had people in my life do things that were much, much less than rape me. Sure. Right. And I didn't forgive them.

Sure. Right. Who are you to tell someone to forgive someone like you make your own decisions i want first off i don't understand why anybody sends a message to pat anyway what did you want to know yeah like should you call the cops is that what you wanted to know should i you know i don't know should i call the cops on my mom um okay you know i personally i would say yeah if you feel like you want to call the cops on your fucking rapey mother, yes. If your mother is a child abuser, then the thing is too, if your mom's a child abuser and then you're just like, well, anyway, forgive and forget.

Who's to say she's not abusing some other kid or your grandkids or whatever? And this idea that women can't be sexual abusers, it's just statistically inaccurate. Women can be sexual abusers. They are sexual abusers it's just it's just statistically inaccurate women can be sexual abusers they are sexual abusers sometimes it's just it's fucking it's terrible advice it's just like i don't fucking believe you and even if she did she's your mom you gotta love her ah go over there on mother's day bring her some flowers give her a big hug let her kind of cup your balls a little you know you know she just wants to grab them she made them hey right they're her basically her balls they're pretty're basically her balls.

They're pretty much hers. They're her balls. She owns your balls. Go ahead and let her have the balls. You've got to let her grab them once in a while. You know, if she wants them, maybe put them in her mouth a little, rub them a little. It's fine. It's mom.

It's mom. She made you chicken and dumplings. You know what I mean? Don't make this weird. Don't make this weird. Look, you don't want to have an awkward holiday so you just fuck your mother and you know move on god so fucking gnarly man you see there are demons in the earth read matthews mark's gospel chapter 5 there are demons all over where and jesus cast out demons when he

walked the earth holy shit this is awesome this guy face. Is that guy's face been photoshopped? His face. He looks. He looks like he's going to break it up. He looks like a demon. His smile and his eyes are so unbelievably extreme. To give you an idea. It looks like his head is trying to.

Looks like the front of his head is desperately trying to attack the back wall. It's trying to leap off of his face and attack something behind him. You know what he looks like? Have you ever seen the movie Leprechaun? He does look like Leprechaun. He does look like Leprechaun. This is great. This is from Bipartisan Report.

Televangelists say they need private jets because demons fly commercial. Of course they do. All right, let's listen to this. They fucking sure do fly southwest. I'll tell you that. But first, before I read the scripture, Amos chapter 6. Brother Copeland, I was flying home from a meeting

and I had come out of a glorious meeting. I had just been me and Creflo Dollar were preaching. Creflo Dollar! That's the guy who wants like a gold-plated America or whatever. He's like, right? That's the guy who wants like a gold-plated america or whatever he wants like right that's the guy that wants like a diamond submarine i'm trying to i'm trying to save up for a gold plate in america if everyone in my congregation gave one million dollars i could get a gold plate in america is he's the guy that wanted the 63 million dollar jet right

exactly yeah the submarine made of birds or whatever he wanted a leaf blower that instead of blowing just air it blows money he just shoots money out of it all the time it's like a fucking party he just like holds it up in the air he goes to his strip club makes it rain on everybody had a glorious meeting so i was for lack of a better way to say it, I was spiritually high. People were saved, touched, and blessed. Also, I had done a lot of cocaine. Also, they had given us a lot of money.

Right? I was spiritually high. Also, I was super fucked up. I'll tell you that. Creflo Dollar can party. Got in the plane that God so graciously gave us. We're flying home. As I was going home, the Lord real quickly said,

Jessic, do you like your plane?, Jesse, do you like your plane? Jesse, do you like your plane? Because if you don't, I'll get you a different plane. I love you, Jesse. I love you so much. Would you like a gold plated plane? I can put prostitutes in it. I'm just saying, you know, that maybe I could come on your plane. You know, I thought that's an odd statement he gave. I said, well, certainly, Lord. He said, do you really like it? And I thought, well, yes, Lord. He said, then he said this. So that's it. I didn't know how to handle it. I went, what? He said, you're going to let your fate stagnate. And when he said that, that shocked me. I went, whoa, wait, hold on a second. Are you having full actually having a full-on conversation

with god like people don't think that this guy's crazy he's he's having a whole dialogue here where he's like and he doesn't even he's talking to himself in his head and he doesn't even understand what he's saying that's amazing he's like and god said fucking that didn't happen even when i was a believer i never thought that i spoke to god i never thought well i think people think they speak too but no but like yeah, but not back and forth. Yeah, there's no back and forth. It's not like a dialogue. That's what I mean.

It's like, yeah, there's no dialogue. And I've heard people think like, well, God speaks to me. And then what they really mean is they get like a fucking big, warm fuzzy. Sure, yeah. Like they got a hard-on they weren't expecting, right? That's all it was. You're like, huh, I'll take it. I was going to sleep with that girl, and then I started getting this jock itch, and then I didn't.

Wow. That's amazing. And then I didn't. Wow. That's amazing. And then I found out. And that's how you know Jesus loves children. Oh, God. Jesus fucking hit play. I literally unbuckled my seatbelt in my plane, and I stood up. My pilots looked at me and said, do you need something?

I said, no, no, I'm talking to God right now. And then they said, just push him out the airlock. Right. Then they said, fucking at least his checks cashed, this crazy fucker. that's what the pilots really think the pilots like this is a fucking this guy's really give us the money stupid he went back to fly i said because that's his job he if he doesn't fly he dies too so you know that's anyway anyway that's not it that's kind of what he has that's his thing lord i don't think I was letting my faith stagnate. He said, so this is all I could ever do.

I said, you're trying to tell me something. He said, go to the Book of Amos. The Book of Anus? Hey, I'm listening. This is a great book. I like this book. You got my attention. In order to read it, though, you've really got to lubricate your brain.

There's a lot of nerve endings in that book. I'm just saying. It's never my cup of tea, but I'm willing to play. It's a hard book to open. It's just a hard book to open. Just work slow. Work slow. Be patient.

Be diligent in your efforts. Don't give up. Don't let it stagnate. Because the treasure lies on the other side. So if you had the book of Amos, I want to read the scripture. May I interrupt you there for a second? You couldn't have done that on an airliner.

No, sir. No way. That's because God started the conversation with, do you like your airplane? Right. Why would he do that if you're on a commercial airliner? Do you like the airplane that you paid $300 to rent briefly? This tiny little cubicle? Because the answer is, when you're flying commercial, the answer is never yes, I like this airplane. Nobody likes being on a commercial airline.

It's the worst thing ever always. It's never fun for one minute no matter how old you are. It's fucking sheer and unadulterated misery you put up with because it goes 600 miles an hour. Stand up and say, what did you say, Lord? No. Okay, no, yeah. And the guy sitting over there says, what the, what'd you say, Lord? No. Okay. No. Yeah. And the guy sitting over there saying, what the hell does he think he's doing? You can't do that. You can't do that. No, no. This is so important. And those of you that are just now coming into

these things, in the first place, Jesse and I and others, Keith Moore and Creflo and all of us, the world is in such a shape. We can't get there without this. That's right. We've got to have this. We would have the mess that the airlines are in today. I would have to stop. I'm being very conservative. At least 75 to 80, more like 90 percent of what we're doing because you can't get there from here.

It's impossible. What's impossible? I don't understand what he's even talking about. Why can't he get to the place he needs to get if he had a fly commercial? You can just fly to a hub from where you're at and go anywhere. What does he have, a magic airplane that can land in special places? Like, we couldn't do like 90% of the stuff we're doing. You fucking never do anything

ever all you do is fly places and fucking yammer at people you could do that shit on skype what are you fucking kidding me what what are you what are we supposed to what are we led to believe that you're like i had to fly over to you so i could read a old book what is the old book gonna change if you don't get here in time if a pastor doesn't't get here, I won't be able to read the Bible. Yeah, I mean, Jesus would be the same thing as if you just recorded your voice. Right? It's the same fucking thing. You know, it turns out recording voices works 100% of the time.

So we – and this was such a good illustration. I just – the Lord impressed me. That's why we're on that airplane. We can talk to God. Oh, glory to God. That's why we're on that airplane. We can talk to God. Oh, glory to God. It's true. When I was flying for Oral Roberts, Brother Deweese, my boss on the airplane, he said, now, Kenneth, this is sanctuary.

It protects the anointing on Brother Roberts. And he said, you keep your mouth shut. Don't talk to him unless he talks. Because when he's on a meeting, he doesn't talk to anybody but God. Now, Oral used to fly airlines. Right. But even back there then, man, it got to the place where it was agitating his spirit. Sure.

People coming up to him. He had become famous, and they wanted him to pray for him and all that. People were bothering him too much. He was too famous. And when he flew around commercial and regular places, people were like, hey, we fucking love you because you're a fucking televangelist and you basically

made yourself famous. No, they loved him because his name was Oral. That's why. They came out to him and were like, hey, buddy, you gonna deliver? Your name is what my wife won't hear. So... Also, do you have a cousin anal and maybe a sister threesome call your step sister internal cum shot

her license always gets last when she pulls that out you know this is my whole this is she gets carded my family oh my name's Doris Internal Cumshot. That's a weird name, Doris. Anyway. I haven't heard Doris as a name in a long time. It's very strange. It's a fucking ye olde name.

Anyway, Mrs. Internal Cumshot, I'm going to have to haul you in for extensive questioning. Podcasters. They live in squalor, dest destitute and disenfranchised eking out an existence as best they can in such desolate places as chicago in pairs but otherwise alone they suffer from hunger and thirst barely making it day to day on store brand chicken wings and weak domestic beer. from here from this dark

cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear but now you can help for just a few dollars a podcast, pennies a day you can give them

the restaurant style chicken wings and imported beer that they so desperately need for less than the price of a cup of coffee you can make a difference in their lives allowing them the opportunity to rant unfettered as nature intended please please go to patreon.com backslash dissonance pod today make a pledge and help these poor innocent creatures lead a life worth living so this story comes from the friendly atheist blog over at patheos jehovah's witnesses publication explains how to shun family members well it's nice that there's a it's nice that there's some guidelines, Cecil. Let me go ahead and read this. This is from the February 2016 edition of The Watchtower,

which is a publication by the Jehovah's Witnesses for terrible people. It says, a conflict of loyalties may arise when a close relative is disfellowshipped. For example. Disfellowshipped. Disfellowshipped. That's like Boromir got disfellowshipped. Yeah, Boromir! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! The disfellowship of the ring! God damn it! Shit! And so did Dumbledore when he fought the... He was never disfellowshipped. Everyone always loved Dumbledore. When he fought the Balrog or whatever.

Stop. Everybody loves Dumbledore. When he fought the Balrog or whatever. Stop. Everybody loves Dumbledore 100% of the time. You're thinking of Gandalf. And he's fine. I'm thinking of Gandalf. He was fine. And he was fine. He fought the Balrog.

He was never disfellowshipped. He became Gandalf the White. Oh, okay. You don't know your movies. It's because he became Gandalf the Yellow and he pissed himself there. So anyway, disfellowship. Yeah, a conflict of loyalty may arise when a close relative is disfellowshipped because you should never do that. For example, a sister.

I don't know. What, disfellowship a close relative? I've disfellowshipped a close relative. Again, we go back to this – the theme called you're a monster. Yeah. I've done the same thing. The thing is, is like I understand that when you talk about this stuff, that the reason why they're doing it is just crazy. They're not doing it for any reason like, oh, that guy, my brother-in-law diddled my kid

or something so I fucking never see him again or whatever. Instead, it's just what kind of offense is. Yeah, well, so they're Jehovah's Witnesses. So it could be like, I'm not a Jehovah's Witness. Or I liked a birthday. Somebody said, Merry Christmas. And I was like, totes. So that you, of course, have to immediately shun that person for life because...

You've got to kick them out of the shire. Otherwise... For example, a sister named Anne received a telephone call from her disfellowshipped mother. The mother wanted to visit Anne because she felt pained by her isolation from the family. Anne was deeply distressed by the plea and promised to reply by letter. Before writing, she reviewed Bible principles. First Corinthians, second John, who cares? Anne wrote and kindly, kindly, kindly is the best word. It's the fucking best adverb ever here. Anne wrote and kindly reminded her mother that she had cut herself off from her family by her wrongdoing and unrepentant attitude.

The only way you can relieve your pain is by returning to Jehovah, you bitch, the man wrote. I may have editorialized a little. I think you added a little something to that. I don't think that was – yeah. Yeah, that's the worst. The thing is, is like for minor offenses, never speaking to a family member seems excessive. It does seem super excessive. It's like a mandatory minimum, right?

It's like a mandatory minimum sentence. It's like, okay, well, what'd you do? Yeah, I'm not the same religion. Okay, let me just go ahead and check the book. Yeah, that's a disfellowshipping. That's what that is. Sorry. Yeah, I'd like to just make it

like forgive and forget or live and let live but no we're gonna go full disfellowship on that one so fuck off mom mom you're like checking things off the list as you're working it down you're like i forgive check that off you're not gonna do that no that's not it live no we're not gonna do that one i'm a little miffed we'll talk it out yeah no don't talk to me for a month no that one's gone right yeah don't talk to me forever and ever and ever you can't play with my kids unsupervised no that's not even an option it's just like god nope nope nope it's you're just fucking dispelling it's like it's like the fucking simpsons. It's like, you know, like, Paddle in the school canoe. I'm not allowed to play with any kids.

That's a good thing. That's a court order. Oh, shit. Mine eyes have seen the glory hole Whilst coming with the Lord And he's rubbing out a vintage Since his girth is quite engorged He hath loosed his seat An immaculate stream

From his terrible stiff sword. His truth is just BS. Glory, glory, glory, ho. Glory, glory, glory, ho. Glory, glory, glory, ho. His truth is just BS. This story comes from Alternet.org. Family values Republican.

Men should be allowed to grab breastfeeding women's nipples in public. When I read that, I thought, like, maybe you shouldn't grab them even privately. You know what I mean? Like, no matter where you're at, public, private, you know, I'm not sure the venue really matters. If a woman's breastfeeding, probably not the best time to be grabbing at her nipples. Just, I mean, I was throwing this around. Unless you want some in your coffee, maybe. Right.

You know what I mean? Like, you just milk her a little. I just needed some creamer. Here you go. You know what? Let me get one from the left and one from the right. It's half and half. Oh, no. Oh, God. That's how it right. It's half and half. Oh, no.

Oh, God. That's how it works, right? I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah. No. Wait. I'm not really sure.

So women's breasts, the cream rises to the top, so they get really perky? That's it. Is that what it is? Not my experience. No. In your experience, no? And I'm just going to go ahead and pass on that one. I'm going to go ahead and give that a pass.

We're going to pass. New Hampshire State Representative Josh Moore, he he deleted the comment but unaware of how the internet works oh the internet oh it's still there motherfucker i'm still ain't going anywhere so let me tell you what this fucking pig of a human being actually said uh on his facebook post i guess he was getting into it a little bit um with probably decent people um who don't think that we should grab at women's breasts because they're feeding children he said who doesn't support a mother's right to feed don't give me the liberal talking points amanda if it's a woman's natural inclination to pull her nipple out in public and you support that then you should have no problem with a man's inclination to stare at it and grab it after all it's all relative and natural right well here's the thing it is not every man's inclination

to just paw at women just because you see a boob that's not how i whenever i see a woman in yoga pants i just walk up and plug her up like a bowling ball it's like you know what here we go sorry if i can see camel toe i'm putting something in there i'm just i'll take know what? Here we go. Sorry. If I can see camel toe, I'm putting something in there. I'll take my pen out and be like. Every time I'm attracted to somebody, I'm just like, well, I'm inclined to do something. I just fucking masturbate in public. I don't care. Nobody does this.

I'll ejaculate on them if I can see any kind of curvature at all of their body. If I can spell woman, I'm already there. It's fucking halfway. He just sort of assumes it like, well, if I see a nipple, a fucking breastfeeding woman's nipple is not a sexualized thing. It's not sexualized at all.

She's feeding a kid. If you're turned on by that, you're fucking real weird, man. I know we said in the last episode that, well, you know, your k know we said in the last episode that like well you know i mean your kink is your kink and all that no no some shit some shit is off the table it's just fucking off the table if a woman's fucking breastfeeding her kid you're like oh man i can't wait for the kid to pop off that boob so i can pop right on there and be like you need some help with that because that's fucking so weird. Super weird.

That's not right, man. That's fucking not right. Fucking time and a place. That ain't your time and place. Oh, God. No. What a fucking pig monster. What a horrible fucking person.

Well. And I'm not saying that, like, if your wife is lactated that you can't find her breasts attractive that's not what i'm saying but i'm saying like if she is actively nursing a child that's not the time that i could even remotely imagine being like look at that boobie you knock the kid off there like they're dumping her books you're just like bonk fuck off of there kid what's up up, kid? You ain't got no game here. Contrary to popular opinion, God is not against sex. It was his idea in the first place. So this story comes from the Raw story.

The ACLU is suing a Catholic hospital for refusing to perform intrinsically immoral tubal ligation. Tubal ligation. The American Civil Liberties Union sued a California Catholic hospital chain for allegedly refusing a request for a tubal ligation following the birth of a third child. So that's terrible. Hospitals should just fucking do what the patient wants, right? Like if it's a medically reasonable procedure. But they won't do it because they're Catholics. And this keeps coming up.

I see these stories constantly. Yeah, it does. And they're going to make these people travel a good distance, like 150 miles or something to get to a place that can do it. And it's just – it's ludicrous. They also wouldn't do a vasectomy. A fucking vasectomy? Really? But it's even worse than that, Cecil, because one of the best times – if you're a woman and you have had a C-section, they've already got you opened up, right? So they may as well go ahead and perform the tubal ligation while you're opened up.

We talked to our physician about this when we had our second kid, that if it went to a C-section, that we're just going to go ahead and do a tubal ligation at the same time, so there wouldn't be any more pregnancy after that. Otherwise, you have to go in and run the risk of yet another surgical procedure, right? So it's not just the inconvenience factor. It's the cost and the potential dangers of a second surgical procedure. It's totally unnecessary. And it's not the case that's like, well, it's a Catholic hospital, so they can just go ahead and make all the rules and do whatever they want. There's got to be some – they're performing a public good.

They're performing a public service, and sometimes they're the only game in town. And it strikes me that when you're the only game in town and you're in the medical field, that maybe you kind of can't – it's not like you're a private business. Do you know what I mean? It's not like you're not like a private business where you're like, well, you know, I don't want to bake that cake or whatever. We've had this conversation. But there are some times where that's just grossly and horrifyingly inappropriate. There's a lot of places where all of the hospitals around are Catholic hospitals.

So where are you supposed to go to get medical procedures done that the Catholics don't like for you? Why are they making my medical decisions? Yeah, and especially if you're not Catholic, right? I could even see if, like, let's say you're Catholic and that you're using this hospital because you're Catholic or something, and that's why you're using it.

Maybe then, and even then, it's like, well, you know, some people are soft Catholics and some people are, you know, hard Catholics, et cetera, and the priests are very hard Catholics. The priests are hard when the boys are around. It just depends on who's in the room. You know what I mean? And whether and where their hand is. Is it in their robe? You don't know. But the thing is, like,

there's some that are, you know, there's a hard and a soft Catholic and, you know, what if you're just a soft... Well, you're just like, yeah, I just go to fucking church once in a while. I don't care. I want to get a vasectomy. I don't want to impregnate my wife anymore. i have a vasectomy i'd like to get another one you know first go around with it just get one once a week you know actually no that sounds that sounds super terrible super unpleasant i hated that it was unpleasant yeah for a long time i

hated it no i think i'm over it now but i hated it for quite a long time i had to pause for a minute and think about whether i'm over it it It sucked. I remember the first week after I got my vasectomy, I walked to work, right? So it's a mile walk to work. And I got my vasectomy, was home a week, and then I walked into work, and I walk in, and I'm walking all weird. Sure.

And my boss is like, what the hell is wrong with you? And I said, well, I just got a vasectomy. They're like, you came to work? And I'm like, well, I got it last week. They're like, go home. You know what I mean? Like, just go home. Just go home.

You can't even stand up. Nobody wants to know that you have nuts. That's really what they were saying. I think that's what it is. They're like, I like to think of you as asexual because anything else makes me want to throw up. Yeah. I feel that way. That's how I feel about right yeah i feel that way that's how i feel about you yeah you know sure yeah that's how i feel about me i had to do i got my vasectomy

swole up like a fucking pair of balloons and there was like well it was like two tiny little come quads but still you know i was like i'm quads i was like wait a minute i was like three not so come quads, actually. And I had to do ride-alongs. I had to do like two or three days later, I had to do ride-alongs with a sales rep. And so I was like in and out of a car all day. And it was like, oh, my God. I just wanted to die the whole time. I'm like, if somebody could just shoot me dead right here, it would be fucking amazing.

Because this is the worst thing. Do we have to do any ride-alongs and say the west side of Chicago during a gang fight? Is there a possibility? Can a fucking I-beam from a crane just fall on me? Glory all in extremely

long black cock. This story is from the Raw story. Ted Cruz says he can win the Republican primary race for the White House. He tells his volunteers to strap on the full armor of God so he can win the GOP primary in three months.

So I look at Ted Cruz and I think, that is a man who clearly loves to strap on. I've suspected it for some time, and it think, that is a man who clearly loves a strap-on. I've suspected it for some time, and it's nice that he verified it. Yeah. That's all you got?

I mean, I look at the guy and I think... I set you up for a strap-on joke. I don't know what you want from me. I look at this guy and I think, this is the kind of guy who... He comes home from a long day of work, and then he gets chained up and his wife pegs him right that's that's what i think when i see ted cruz she fucking reaches around grabs that power tie of his fucking yells into his ear like who's the

president now who's the president now fucking rails the fucking strap on of jesus or whatever he says strap on the full strap on the full armor of god what are you kidding me 20 inch dildo hillbilly's god probably probably does have a big cock though no when i think about he's probably got one of those like mutant cocks that you're like are you sure you weren't black like you know what i mean like like one of those big like where you're just like well white it looks white that's i mean it's like dark but it's not it's not so dark where you automatically think it's a bbc you're just like like oh you know the only way ted cruz wins is if somebody fucking straps on and powers him with god anyway like there is no like unless he's asking these people

to be like prayer warriors for him to like maybe not be third place and that's the thing like this guy couldn't win if god fucked him you know what i mean like this guy this guy would already say god already fucked this guy couldn't win the fucking primary if he was fucking anally cream pied by jesus it's like you can fill him with the fucking holy spirit up until it's fucking spilling out his fucking mouth i don't know though i mean you know ted cruz he's the one though i think that everybody is picking that isn't trump right isn't he like the second runner or is is that other guy that fucking rubio no the the surgeon what is his name carson carson is he number two now or no let't know. Let's look. GOP. Carson's at nine. Rubio's at 11. Cruz is at 20.

Trump's at 35. 35? 35. He's fucking them. Trump's got the strap on. I was going to say, if someone's fucking taking a strap on to fucking Ted Cruz, it's fucking Donald Trump. Oh, that's a fucking horrifying thing to think about.

Caliente. No, no, stop about. Caliente. No, no, stop it. Ay, ay, ay. The best part is, though, is if he did put the strap-on on his head, he could do the comb-over and it would look like it had his own pubes. He'd be like a dick unicorn. He's got one of those nose strap-ons. It's like a fucking bottle of those dolphins.

And his hair is like a flipper. It's like getting fucked by a flipper, right. You could accept the fact that this city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportion. What do you mean, biblical? What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor. Real wrath of God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes.

The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. This story is from Right Wing Watch. Anne Graham Watts. So many names. Satan behind gay marriage decision. End times looming.

Stupid end times. They've been looming for a long time. I give them about four billion years. So this is lots. Lots. You know, I think you had referred earlier when we were talking to the fact that people are leaving the church and they seem to be disengaged. They're involved in all these other things. But that's why God sends us wake-up calls.

Hey, y'all. This is God. It's time to wake up. It's 730. Got to go to work, y'all. Hey, y'all. After the beep, wake up. I don't really understand how these work.

Is your refrigerator running? Y'all better go catch it. You got Prince Albert in the can? Yeah? I'll put him in hell. Because I'm God. You know, that's why he allows the terrorists to strike or a tornado to rip through our city. Because for whatever reason, we don't seem to give

him our attention until we're desperate and so if we don't give him our attention then he's going to allow things to happen because he's more like a six-year-old stomping his foot pay attention to me guys i'll make a tornado don't make me make a tornado guys guys. Play Legos with me. Are you kidding me? If we don't pay attention to God, he throws tornadoes at us? What am I hearing right now? What is happening? To make us more and more desperate until we do cry out. My concern is I just don't want to get past that tipping point.

I don't want to get to the point that when we cry out, it's as though his ears are deaf and he's just said no more and my patience has run out. God's patience has run out. Yeah. God, the creature of infinite capacity is just like, eh, man, I've taken all the shit I can take. I love the idea that he's created us. Right. And yet he can grow impatient with us.

Right. How does it even work? You know, you have pets, right? Right. Do your pets ever fucking do crazy shit absolutely yeah yeah try to be patient right i mean i don't kill them i yell at them on occasion like fucking knock it off i say that all the time like all the time i would say maybe four or five times i'm like knock it off yeah how many tornadoes have you thrown at them

uh now i admittedly if I could make a tornado... I have a puppy. I've never thrown terrorist attacks at it. No? No. No. Instead, I try to train it not to do the stuff I don't like. That's what I do. Yeah, puppies do that.

Cats don't. No. Cats are just like, yeah, I'm just going to do what I'm doing. Turns out the puppy just does whatever it likes, too. It's fucking terror. And I think we're getting very close to that, actually. That's the book of Joel, the little phrase, the day of the Lord is soon. The day of the Lord was that time when God drew the line and just said, I've had it.

You know, no more. And then he sent in the Assyrians to take away the northern kingdom of Israel. He sent in the Babylonians to take away the southern kingdom of Judah. He sent in the Romans to destroy Jerusalem. And then he didn't do anything else for 2,000 years. And then in the very last of the last times, you know, we know the day of the Lord will be when the great and terrible day of the Lord is when Jesus comes back to the Mount of Olives and the whole world falls at his feet. And that will be judgment on the secular world completely. But I think the idea of the day of

the Lord, the principle is that we can push him beyond what his patience will take. He said in Genesis 6, he said, my spirit will not always strive with man. And his spirit strives with man in the sense that his spirit is out in the world restraining evil so that we can live life. God, shut up!

Jesus fucking mother, I can't hear that shit. Christ! Christ! jesus fucking mother i can't hear that shit oh christ why can't what are you i don't know it's just fucking garbage sounds what is fucking patience has run out and then fucking joel said jesus is gonna come to the olive trees or what are you kidding me it's 2016 grow up with this shit jesus is coming to a mountain of olives fuck off don't kill yourself that's the stupidest fucking thing i ever heard you know it's funny we said this many many times but it bears repeating we have a rover on mars right we have a fucking rover on Mars. We are planning missions to Mars.

We have fucking like, we actually have like technology on a couple of different planets now. And these guys are like, yeah, when Jesus comes back, because the last time he was mad, the Romans did a thing. And you're like, the Romans. The Romans. The Romans did a thing. The Romans. They were building aqueducts. Yeah.

That's what they were doing. The fucking Romans did a thing. Yeah Romans. They were building aqueducts. That's what they were doing. The fucking Romans did a thing. And then they destroyed it. And then nothing happened for 2,000 years except for all the important thing man has ever accomplished. Yeah. Right? Like, that is what has happened. Well, the secular world, what's that ever done except for incredible prosperity, relative peace, medicine?

I mean, like, it's ridiculous. You're going to come to a mountain of olives. I'll fucking come to the mountain of olives. I'll fucking meet you there and fight you. What have you done for me lately? I hope they bring a press because I want Jesus to stamp on some olives and make some olives. Just a first pressing? Some olive oil.

Extra virgin Mary. Extra virgin Mary. You want answers? I think I'm mary you want answers i think i'm entitled you want answers i want the truth you can't handle the truth so like every year tom uh we uh take a look back at uh some of the previous predictions that were made last year by certain psychics we talked about this last year major volcanic eruptions in japan and hawaii uh those are on the ring of fire so yeah uh pretty good chance that happening that's gonna happen sometimes uh is joan collins still alive uh she's 82 still alive so that one's wrong yeah

royal family death i hadn't heard about that no no um but i have died of boredom hearing about the royal family yeah well so here's the thing the royal family could all die simultaneously and i don't think i would know i don't know that shit is as fucking irrelevant as soccer i know what i mean it's like oh it's more irrelevant and then the royal family went to their car i'll tell you what i could on a on a terrible day where i want to pluck my own eyes out maybe watch a soccer game. No, you could not. No, I could. Don't talk like that.

I could do it. Don't say it, Cecil. I could do it. If I had to. I used to love you like a brother. But I could not watch a royal wedding. I don't care how much. I don't care what you gave me.

You know what? You could put me on the fucking most crazy psychedelics you've ever given anyone. And I would fucking, I would tear my own eyes and tongue out. Yeah. on like the fucking most crazy psychedelics you've ever given anyone right and i would i would fucking i would tear my own eyes and tongue out yeah you know those you know those uh those those metal things that sometimes you put a note on you know like that i would rather like fucking yeah the spiky thing yeah the note spike yeah i would rather leap high into the well three inches for me

high into the air and drive that into my brain stem then watch one minute of a royal anything yeah anything yeah right it could be a royal firefighter should be a royal orgy although that kate chick she's she's a looker, right? Kate plus eight? No, it's not Kate. I don't know. Kate plus eight is not a looker. I don't know. No.

No, she pushed the Ocho out of her vagina. No, I don't think you birth naturally to eight. I'm not a physician. Well, maybe like one came out there, one came out here, one came out there, one came out here. She was spawning like. Well, maybe like one came out there, one came out here, one came out there, one came out here. She was sporting like a spider, just like... Strange fluctuations in the Earth's magnetic field detected? Not that I heard of. Don't think so.

Here's one. Many countries will see attacks from lone gunmen. I've seen Berlin, Rome, and Paris as targets, but a simultaneous London attack will be thwarted. rome and paris as targets but a simultaneous at london attack will be thwarted and you know the thing is is that the paris one was simultaneous and wasn't a lone gunman it was a lot of gunmen you know i mean like so there's no long gun that's no it's not it's not like one guy had a had a gun right with charlie abdo or with yeah or with the the latest paris attack there was a bunch of people that had guns and bombs and shit. Now, here's one that I think is the most unlikely of the whole list.

Jeb Bush will gain popularity and will win the American election in 2016. Yeah, it looks like this Craig Hamilton Parker sort of fell on their face here. So let's take a look at some ones for next year. I like this one. An alleged naked picture of Kim Jong-un causes a political row. sort of fell on their face here so let's take a look at some ones for next year an alleged i like this one an alleged naked picture of kim jong-un causes a political row um that's going to clearly be a wide image he got the wide screen and he's still spilling off of it man you like do the panoramic and you're just like it's like i just can't keep he's like he's like filmed in the same way that they shot like uh like uh the good the bad and the ugly with that like

donald trump's bid for the white house thwarted by illness the last battle is neck and neck between jeb bush and hillary clinton you just wrote this. You just fucking wrote this, man. They're doubling down. Do you fucking seriously believe that it's going to be Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton? Yeah, they're doubling down. Jeb Bush can't find his ass with fucking goddamn AIDS hands

at this point. Are you kidding me? Jeb Bush is going to surge forward in the polls. It's going to happen. I'll tell you, I will be blown away if that's the case but that does not look like a asshole before that would happen that's not that's i'm not gonna do that i don't care no if i'm right or wrong no one's holding me to that yeah i'm not doing it not gonna happen here's my favorite hold on i already have a favorite. Okay. A city will turn sideways after earthquake activity. Sideways?

How would a city turn sideways? Hey, Chicago, why are you sideways? What are you guys doing over here? You wacky city turning sideways. How would a city turn sideways? It's not a Lego piece. You don't pick it up and rip it in and put it back down a different direction. How do you turn a city sideways?

A plane goes into the Eiffel Tower in Paris. People will use jetpacks for transportation. For what? What the what? Somebody's making that up. A new breed mixture of dog and cat. It's a dat. It's a cog. It's a dat.

It's a cog. No, it's a monster. It'll be an exciting year. I'm going to get my jet pack ready now. Meet Tom Jetson. His new jetpack boo boo boo doo it's impractical

so we want to thank our most current patrons the ones that just signed up we really do appreciate all our patrons but the most recent ones who signed up were Sherry, McKella, Cecilio, Susan, Tim, Thomas,

Julian, Nick, and Angela. Thank you very much for your generous donations. We did get a couple of PayPal, or a single PayPal I think, Tom. We did. We got a PayPal donation from Ingrid. Ingrid, thank you very much. We just want to stop here for a second and say

something about our patrons, about all the donors to this show. We recently did move Diggs into a formal studio space. We're in a real, genuine studio space. Cecil and I take the show very seriously for all the dick jokes that basically are the show and the purpose

of the show. We take our sound quality seriously. We take our production schedule very seriously. And we're in a position where we're really looking to make some significant upgrades in 2016. The space is a huge step forward for us. So we just like to actually do our first real ask,

I think, and say, guys, we love doing this show. We love putting out the show every week for you. Tell you what, we've put this show out every single week without hesitation through tremendous challenges in our lives for several years and we're really hoping to do some great things in 2016. So if you were thinking about donating to the show, we'd just be terribly grateful to have you as a patron. And we're looking forward to coming up with some new ideas to reward

our patrons in 2016 as well yeah tom you thought this was a pretty interesting email the uh the the clip that we play there's a clip we play where the guy's talking about um you got to make clothes and shit for your family right pastor steven anderson and the fucking yeah worst church ever or whatever you know it looks like it looks like that that clip is taken out of context right so you know that that clip the guy you know goes on and he says uh you know women are supposed to be making clothes and making food and that's her job and he holds up the bible and he's like i i'm not making it up it's right in this book well i don't read that book um but it turns out our listeners are familiar so he says the fucker stops at verse 15, the very next verse, y'all, the very next verse. She considers a field and

buys it out of her earnings and plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously. Her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable and her lamp does not go out at night. Bitch, be a business woman, yo. She's got it all. She takes care of her family and she earns

a damn living. And if you go further down in the chapter, notice what her husband is doing. Quote, her husband is respected at the city gate where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. Dude, bro, he's at the bar tipping it back with his bros while his old lady is working her fingers to the bone. The next verse again speaks of her industry. Quote,

she makes linen garments and sells them and supplies the merchants with sashes. So she's the one bringing home the bacon and cooking it in the pan. Okay, metaphorically, they're Jewish, but you get me. I thought that was great. I thought that was great because it is that fucking selective reading of this fucking horror show book. We got a message from Brandon, and Brandon talks about howrian fisher's theory on dinosaurs uh is probably wrong he says obviously we know that this is wrong for a variety of reasons

uh not the least of which being that we're not complete fucking idiots we could stop there right right but he says but b says, but Brian Fisher is partially right about one thing. Most reptiles do indeed grow throughout their entire lives, including those little – what are those? Anoles? Including these little anoles that you starve to death, Tom, you monster. The problem with this theory is that as reptiles get older, the rate of growth decreases dramatically. For instance, a young, well-fed crocodile may grow to a meter in its first year, but a well-fed older crocodile individual may less may grow less than a centimeter in one year. So technically they never stopped growing. But even a thousand year old animal could not attain the normal enormous sizes of dinosaurs.

So so even if he was right, which he's not right. Right. Fucking animals lived a billion years or whatever his fucking dumb ass dad said. He's a guy who thinks people live 996 years. I will say this. Brandon is standing by a fucking alligator in this picture that he sent us, and he's got his back to an alligator. Nope. I just want to tell you, Brandon, never turn your back to an alligator.

No. It's probably a crocodile um actually it's a caiman guys guys it's a it's a gecko it's just lived a thousand years it's a big it's it's car insurance that's what it is we got a message from meaty ogre and uh and he says he was talking about he was listening to a show where we were talking about being seduced by the by the dark side of becoming gay. And and he said, can you be seduced by the dick side? I wonder. And then he he has a little bit here, Tom.

He does. It says big gay emperor glancing at his pitched tent. You want this, don't you? The member is swelling in you now. Take your boa. Use it. I am unadorned. Fancy me with it.

Give in to your fabulousness. With each passing moment, you make yourself more my bitch. Bruce Manluster struggling with the decision. Bruce Manluster. Know your highness, you have failed. I am a hetero like my father before me. Throws away boa.

Big gay emperor. Very well hetero. Then you will cry emperor begins to tear up bruce's invitations to all upcoming sunday brunches bruce mad luster screaming to his father in desperate pain and agony father please darth weiner darth weiner to the emperor oh no you didn't bitch Bitch slaps the Emperor. Emperor slaps back. This devolves into a tickle fight. They end up on the floor kissing.

Bruce eventually joins in. All hope for the galaxy is lost. Yeah. I need a shower. We got a message from David, and David said that he liked the comment, the hippopotamus, a consternation. And he said, how could you have possibly called the episode the King of the Jews when calling it the hippopotamus, a consternation would have been perfect. The problem is, is that I recently called an episode the first marmoset of the apocalypse. Right.

And I didn't want people to get confused. So I had to call it King of the apocalypse. And I didn't want people to get confused. So I had to call him King of the Jews. But my favorite part of this is at the end when he says, he mentions one of his favorites here is the earwig of expectation. I like that. That's awesome.

We got a message from Ross and Ross says, as a former high class atheist, I feel I shouldn't be listening to this podcast. I was into theory. I was a Dawkins and Edenic kind of guy. Now I'm like a tweaking

metho who hits your latest show before I can do anything else. That's awesome. Well, at the end, Ross says, I mean, first Ross, we apologize. Yeah, the first show's free uh and then i want to say here he says p.s everyone mentions our deadly spiders and sharks because he's from australia and crocodiles and blue ring octopi and stonefish and ross river

fever mosquitoes and box jellyfish and uh australian paralysis ticks but no one ever talks about our plants especially the gimpy gimpy tree we have talked about the gimpy gimpy tree yeah i think we might have talked about it with jake on one of the shows there was an episode where we discussed the gimpy gimpy yeah i actually remember bringing it up because i had read about that fucking horror plant yeah but i think i think the thing is is that nobody's gonna listen to any show that jake's on that's true yeah i mean that's why nobody listens to jake's show we got a message from mark in california it's called amusing anecdote tom he says the other night i was suffering a bout of insomnia so i put david smalley's podcast oh

amazingly shot out of nowhere shot out of nowhere man why would we even read this typically torturous introductions of his guest, Phil Ferguson, Phil responded with a simple but enthusiastic greeting of glory hole. And after a five second awkward pause, he asked meekly wrong show. Thought you might like to know that you're now fucking with Smalley by proxy. I do like to know that. I love to know that. I like to know that so much.

That's tremendous. Well, that's going to wrap it up for this show. The inaugural show. The inaugural show in the new Glory Hall Studios. We had a, you know, there was some thumping and some bumping going on throughout the show. Hey, that's private business. But hopefully

in the future it will be a little more quiet. We'll see We gotta take what we can get though And this is it So we're excited for our new studio And we're excited that we have an address And we're kind of official now We're fucking totes official

Totes official 345 North Loomis We can say it on the air That's fucking awesome man There's gonna be somebody waiting outside for us. Don't wait outside. I love you guys. Here's a bomb.

Jesus. If I fucking blow up, my kids are going to be so mad. Blow up more? I blow up. If I can blow up, it just fucking chunks a piece of lard off the side of me. It's like shooting a Stay Puft marshmallow, man. Like chunks fall off and he still keeps going. It's like putting that dynamite in that whale.

Well, that's going to wrap it up for this episode. But we hopefully will be back with another episode next week. And we're going to leave you, like we always do, with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch Stereogram, Pyramidal, Free Energy, Healing Water, Downward Spiral, Brain Dead, Pan Sales Pitch, Late Night Info Docutainment Leo, Pisces, Cancer Cures

Detox, Reflex, Foot Massage Death in Towers, Tarot Cards Psychic Healing, Crystal Balls Bigfoot, Yeti, Aliens Churches, Mosques and Synagogues Temples, Dragons, Giant Worms Atlantis, Dolphins, Truthers Bir worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy,

double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. or of the local dairy council. you