Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 272: The Fort Wayne Whoremongers

Episode Date: January 18, 2016

 

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hi, Tom and C. So this is Jade from Australia. I was listening to episode 270 and I found something pretty interesting. I thought you might like to hear it. I can't imagine a President Trump. I'll never say it. Oh, you just did.

I'll just call it for it. I'll just say Trump. I will. There's not a fucking thing in the world that's going to make me say. I never say President Obama. Anyway, I say Obama. I probably do. But now I'm going to start saying President Obama.

I can not say. And I said President Trump. Don't call me on my shit. Bush. Don't worry, Tom. I got you back this time, buddy. I voted for President Obama. President Bush.

President Bush. Obama. President Obama. Obama. President. President Bush. President. President. President Obama President Bush President Bush Obama President Obama Obama President President Bush President President

President Obama That is insane! Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. I'm out. the news makes it big or makes us mad it's skeptical it's political and there is no welcome mat well they're sort of are but they're on pre-order and we don't know when they're getting delivered unfortunately so uh deborah when are they getting delivered uh i even ordered one we think there's welcome mats anyway there's a show yeah there's a show and we're recording Ordered one. We think there's welcome mats.

Anyway, there's a show. Yeah. There's a show, and we're recording again. This is our second episode in the new studio. It's very exciting. It's coming together, Cecil. You put some studio tables together. We can see each other from a distance. We have room for guests if anybody was stupid enough to actually show up to Glory Hole Studios

and guest on our program. I can't imagine why anybody would want that. The band downstairs is our guest. You can hear them. That's actually a huge plus for this new studio space. We get to listen to the tones of aspiring musicians as they drift through the walls. And they are all, I think collectively, they're still all the worst band in the world. Yeah, pretty much.

Every band that we have heard so far has been somehow worse than the prior band. And we're flanked on both sides of our studio by hip-hop studios. Yes. So they're constantly like, they play the bass so loud that it rattles the grate in the wall. It feels like I'm in a Chevy Nova and I'm driving down the road. You just hear that. Yeah. So it's been really great so far.

So far it's a great space. Here's the thing. I like our studio. Yeah, no, it's great. It's just that I hate the other humans in Chicago. I know. Can't they just give us a whole building for ourselves? Like, what the fuck?

I feel like we take up enough room to warrant one. Yeah. You know? I mean, we squeeze sideways through the goddamn door. They should just helicopter the mics into us. They're gonna have to helicopter us out of this fucking joint if we keep eating fucking Euro from Grubhub every week. This place is not... It's gonna smell like a

sweat sock after a week. There's not enough candles. That's all I'm saying. They could smoke as much pot as they want in the hall. And they're doing it. They will never wash the stink out of the ceiling. That's the only reason they're smoking it. Exactly. It's fucking incense to them.

As soon as they moved in, they're like, can you light tires on fire or something? Can you just rub a skunk's ass across in here? Can we burn a garbage can of human hair please this first story comes from the telegraph islamic state executes its first female citizen journalist and i I thought, man, it's nice to see a fledgling state. You know, the thing is you come up with your first. Yeah, exactly. And it's exciting. It's like when you have a kid, you know, and it's like, oh, it's his first tooth.

Oh, it's so exciting. It's his first steps. His first steps. And here we've got a fledgling state executing its first female journalist. I wonder if they're excitedly getting it on video. They're just like, oh, guys, watch. Hey, guys, I'm going to put this on Facebook later. I'm going to send this to your Aunt Mabel.

Hang on. Hang on. I'm going to send it. Look. Oh, she's screaming for her life. Oh, my god. I love it. Listen to that.

Yeah, either that or it's like a really weird sort of scavenger hunt where you're trying to kill all the different women that you need to kill. It would be real hard to fill the uh uh you know the astronaut slot i think that'll be a real difficult one in the middle east like woman astronaut a woman astronaut yeah this is your women card so the oh i see let's figure out some of the some of the so like cook woman cook that was easy to find sure no worries that's the Woman housekeeper, no worries. Florist, possibly. Teacher? Books aren't really the learning thing.

But it's possible. It's possible. It's unlikely. CEO? That one's going to be a hard slot to fill. That's a hard one. Motorist? Depends on where you're at.

Motorist, yeah. Female motorist. If it's Saudi Arabia, that's going to be tough. That's going to be super difficult, yeah. It's hard to fill the whole bingo card yeah it is you know it is it's tough yeah it's tough but they got journalists they they got that pie and they put that pie in there yeah and it's not a free space right so they're good yeah oh my god what fucking monsters um this rakia hassan um she was a she was a journalist she wrote underudonym. Um, and she kind of knew she was getting a call.

She's like, well, they're going to come find me and kill me. But you know, toad's worth it because you know, standing up to the fucking man or whatever. Uh, I think that's great. I think when people do that, it's, it's almost like crazily brave. And I don't understand that at all. Cause I would run as far and as fast as i would fucking swim across the ocean if i had to because i'm big as most life rafts i would that's pretty much i would be terrified of that you know just that impend i mean it'd be like you're on death row all the time you

just don't know what day yeah you know yeah it's crazy to think of there's a part of this too where they talk about um uh other people that have been killed. It says ISIL have. Is that a proper ISIL have? ISIL has? I don't know. Anyway, it says ISIL have also claimed the murder of a number of journalists working with the RBSS, including two men who were found beheaded in Turkey. And I started thinking, I'm like, it's like their calling card. You know, the guy who comes over with a big giant magnifying glass and is like, hmm, I

wonder what happened. Hmm. Oh, they're beheaded. It must have been ISIL. Right. You know, her last words, I want to read her last words. She said, her last words was, I'm in Raqqa and I received death threats. When they arrest me and ISIL arrest me and kill me, it's okay.

Because while they will cut off my head, I will have dignity, which is better than living in humiliation. And I thought, yeah, but it's better to have your head. You know? Like, I will have my dignity. Where are you going to put it? I don't know. If you put it in the head, it may leak out. It's just going to, yeah.

I don't know what you're going to do with it because your head got cut off. It's super sad. But it sucks so bad. And all joking aside, I think it's amazing that there are people who are willing to give their life for principles and ideals. I mean, I'm not a good person, so I wouldn't do that. I would just immediately conform. I'd be like, go, ISIL! I'd get the fucking pennant.

I'd be like, did we win the pennant this year? I don't know how this works. I'm not into sports. You get a giant foam finger that just says ISIL number one, except for the fingers cut off. It's like a chop-offer machine, so it's all just knuckles. It's just knuckles? It's just five knuckles. And one of them is just slightly upturned.

You got to get like the, what is that, the Zulu. You're number one half. What do they have in South Africa during the soccer thing? Oh, what do they call those things? The Ooba Lubas. Yeah, I know what you're talking about, whatever it is. Yeah, so you're just like a fucking. Zippity Zoos. number one half what do they have during in south africa during the soccer thing those things yeah i know i know what you're talking about whatever it is yeah so you're just like a fucking zippity zoo i know what you're talking about though then i think that voo voo zella yes it's something like that voodoo zella or something i don't know but yeah i would have i would have all the instruments

for iso if i lived there i'd be like i am part part of ISIL! I'd get fucking ISIL tattooed on me. I'd be in that shit. You'd be playing your ISIS diggory-doo. I'd be a fucking ISIS fucking juggalo. Whatever it takes. Whatever it is. Like a clown. I'd be like, fucking science? How does that work? I don't care. Exactly.

Cut some heads off. In the name of Jesus, we speak that. Oramana Shandakarabam. Lokoramene melejereke de burushida kilibirasa. in the name of jesus we speak that this story is fucking insane. This is from the Raw story. This guy is amazing. Virginia Pastor. Amazing. Hey, look at his head.

Dude, I'm sorry. Look at his head. Okay, so you know what he looks like? There's no way that hair is his hair. You know what he looks like, right? No, what? Okay, so you've seen Joee pesci in some movies yes absolutely do you remember like the the his older brother in casino who had the old like he had like the

hair like yeah yeah yeah yeah he looks kind of like this kind of does yeah this is a virginia pastor uh hang on to your guns because whoremongers want to kill your wife. Before we talk about that, though, I just have to describe this man's suit. Now, I am by no means a fashion icon. No. However, thank you for agreeing so quickly. That was great. That was great.

Yeah. Anyway, I will wear a suit from time to time. Yet never have I owned a purple suit. Or with a purple shirt and a fucking purple pocket square. I'll tell you what. This guy is fucking grimaced out. Look at that shit. Where do you even go to buy this? He's pimped out, I think, is what you're thinking of.

Where do you go to, like, fucking pimps are us? I wouldn't even know if somebody was like, go buy a purple suit. I couldn't even imagine. Do you go to like fucking pimps r us i don't even i wouldn't even know if somebody was like go buy a purple suit i wouldn't i couldn't even imagine like do you go to brooks brothers like what do you have in the way of purple fucking suits do you have a purple all of it right there yeah i was thinking i didn't look fucking quite absurd enough is there any way i want to dress me like an actual honest to god is there any way you can get a guy in full red and full yellow we could be the Fruit of the Loom guys. Is that possible? All right, so this is this guy.

Pastor Jim is going to talk. It's going to be a little long, but it's really funny. If you've got a good marriage, you can't buy that. You can't order that. You can't recover that. Don't let it get away. God ordained male and female, not male and male and female and female. He said Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Did he say not Adam and Steve? No, I didn't say that. Or are you adding that? Yeah, that's editorializing, I think. That's a little – now, he didn't say Adam and Steve, but he also didn't say Adam and like Dawn either. Right, exactly. You know what I mean? Like he said Adam and Eve.

Yeah, he didn't say – there was actually a host of names that weren't – That he didn't use. Yeah. And he also didn't say Mike and Jennifer. You know what I he didn't use yeah and he also didn't you also didn't say mike and jennifer you know what i mean like he does he have to call out every name because i hope not yeah i give that a whirl when having like i'm just not sure who i'm with so i'm just like i'm just gonna start yelling names didn't he just do that in the begats he called out every name every name that's the whole thing that's actually that's actually god having sex just trying to cover his bases yeah you, just yelling out every name of everybody.

Like, one of these is you. Well, all of you are yelling God, so I got to reciprocate. All right, fine. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah, this is, I love that he says, like, you can't buy a good marriage. Yes, you can. There's the internet.

What are you fucking talking about? You can literally go online and buy a marriage. That's something you could... We could do that. We could do it tonight. Yeah. I don't think they say same-day delivery, but I've got Prime. It's fine.

I've got Prime. They deliver on a drone. They drone her in. It's like a one-hour Prime. You're standing there at work one day, and there's just like a huge cardboard box that shows up. It'd be like three times the size of a person, amalan ships fucking boxes says fragile on the side just open actually you open it up and there's all those like like blown ups yeah a little puffball puffball things he means a man and a woman makes up the marriage and the children make up the home and the bible

says blessed is the man that has his quiver full of them because children are a heritage from the lord why are they heritage for the lord did Why are they a heritage from the Lord? Did he fuck her? Hold on a minute. Well, they're a heritage from the Lord so that the priest can have something to do all night. That's true. That's it.

If you don't have a lot of kids, they just get fucking lonely. Priests have to touch themselves. They don't want to do that. That's against the rules. That's icky. Let us go and make a family unit once again. Let's make it like it's supposed to be.

Where do we go from here? Gather your family together. Husband, wives, sit down and agree. Let's take our family and go to church and serve God together. That sounds super boring. Can't we stay home and have waffles? I feel like if I have choices, I'd rather stay home and have waffles. Can't you stay home and make a kid?

Yeah, right? You're kind of down with that. Or at least practice. Right, yeah. You know home and have waffles. I'd rather stay home and make a kid. Yeah, right? You're kind of down with that. You know? That sounds way better. Look, we get... It's go time every nine months. So we gotta be on and ready to move. You gotta be on point for that shit, right? You gotta know. It's a short window of

opportunity with these people. Short in more ways than one, my friend. I do the best I can. I can make it on my own. You know, I have, this past week, I have rejoiced with some people because they had a new baby. You know, it always was that we were happy when the new baby came along. Now we're fucking pissed. Now we don't give a shit.

We spiked that fucking baby right on the ground. I don't give a shit. Fucking friends call me up. Hey, man, I got a new baby. I'm like, I don't fucking care shit. We spiked that fucking baby right on the ground. I don't give a shit. Fucking friends call me up. Hey, man, I got a new baby. I'm like, I don't fucking care. Gays get married. I fucking kick that thing. What are you talking about?

What has changed? But it seems like anymore the first thing they want to do is kill him. What? Wait, what? First thing they want to do is bash their brains out. want to do is bash your brains out i don't think even even in the even in the you know the crazy world that this guy lives in right clearly he's talking about abortion right right there's no like prescription where you go in you're like yeah i kind of need to get the pills to bash the baby's brains out is there a it's inside your uterus like it's like that would hurt your uterus we

got this new thing where you stick it up you and it bashes the baby's brains in that's it's like okay first we have to harden your uterus like concrete and then we'll fucking slam the baby what we'll do is roll you down a hill that's crazy you know what you're doing is you're trying to make it seem like they're doing horrific things let me tell you the horrific things they're doing of course so i'm going to tell you here's what they do you don't even know what they do yeah you clearly are so disconnected from the process you don't even understand it yeah well because nobody's bashing it's not like oh it's time for an abortion time to bash some fucking skulls in here have your baby first right and then i'll throw it on the rocks like they do in the bible exactly cut your throat chop them up like chopped

liver or chickens sell the parts first thing you know they'll start selling everything but the but the crying selling everything but the crying yeah they don't sell the crying that doesn't sell nobody wants to cry wants the crying. Who fucking wants it? That's why you kill your babies. And they'll find a way for that. 50 million babies have been killed and thrown in the garbage can. Wait, hold on. Weren't they just selling them a minute ago?

Yeah, well, did they sell them in the garbage can? Hey, buddy, I got a whole garbage can full of babies. A little known fact, they're all sold to Oscar the Grouch. They're sold by the drum. That's the unit of measure for baby parts. They put them in the garbage can.

Baby parts! I got drums and baby parts! I got arms! I got legs! I got spleens and livers! Here, what you need? I got it. And sold. They never got a chance to live. What about those people who are passing all these laws and doing all these things? What if their mother had been somebody that wanted to abort them? No, they got a chance to live.

How many presidents, how many congressmen, how many great people have died and never got a chance to live because of this abortion thing? Shame on America. I tell you, I believe if he lets America get by one of these days, he'll have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah, Tyre and Sidon and Bethsaida and all those countries that he destroyed. You got me, bro. He's saying we've got to apologize to them because we're just as bad as them?

Why would I apologize to a bunch of destroyed countries from thousands of years ago? Like, that's a fucking goofy, meaningless thing to say. Look, clearly, we haven't reached the tipping point, right? So by his logic, God's coming to get us. Sure. Right? If you do something bad, like kill babies. Right.

But according to this guy, there's been 50 million dead babies. And God still is just like, well, I don't know. It's 52 million too. That's why you guys are not Powerball, right? What are you kidding me? You haven't aborted that special one I got the ticket for. When you do. I got the golden baby.

I got the golden baby. Then you're fucked, boys. I'm going to fucking kill you. Oh, Sodom and Gomorrah. Oh, no. That's so goofy. I mean, I'm supposed to fear the wrath of God. But at the same time, I'm supposed to believe that I'm supposed to fear the wrath of God because of abortion.

There's been 50 million dead babies, according to this logic. And God's still up there twiddling his fucking thumbs. So if I believe this, this is actually antithetical to his own belief system. If I believe this, this clearly shows that God doesn't give a shit. He doesn't give a shit about it. He's fucking completely either indifferent or incapable of acting. One of the two, right? Right.

He's not going to let them get by. Somebody's going to pay for this. You know, children are a heritage of the Lord. The Bible says that Jesus took the little children, took them in his arms, and he blessed them. I wouldn't be in your shoes for your socks, if that's your theory and your idea. What? I wouldn't be in your shoes for your socks? Get out of my socks.

Bro. Those aren't my fucking socks. That's weird. First off, you're going to get my athlete's foot. Athlete's foot's the best thing you're getting if you put on my socks. Are you kidding? Athlete's foot is a gift. Athlete's foot is my fucking cheat day.

I'll tell you, let these little babies be born. If you don't want to have them, don't get out and have sex. Don't get out and have illicit sex. Stay where you belong. Keep your pants zipped up and keep your legs uncrossed. Keep your legs uncrossed keep your legs uncrossed wait a minute i think you got that backwards also how about you take care of the babies we currently have that's a that's always the struggle right it's like oh yeah fucking why you go out and having babies if you can't if you're you know you're gonna just

abort or whatever it's like i would much rather have would much rather have a bit of cells aborted before we have a child that we're not willing to take care of. It's so funny how he just blames women. Keep your legs crossed. Don't go out having illicit sex. And it's like, well, that's super, super duper misogynistic, bro, because it does take two. And also sometimes shit just goes south. Sometimes you're like well i had sex and i had protection it didn't work like that's a thing sometimes people get

raped sometimes just fucking incest and sometimes sometimes there's a lot because there's fucking seven billion people on the planet three and a half billion of them are women and a lot of people don't use abortion as like that's but that's the the only one that's – that in their eyes is the super reprehensible one. So they're going to pick that one. It's using abortion as birth control. Right. Those people that use abortion as birth control, they're the ones that we're going to go after. Right.

All the other people have fucking life circumstances, like which is – most people. That somehow just doesn't count, right? It's just like, oh, it's easy. Just don't go have illicit sex. Illicit. That's the best sex. Why easy. Just don't go have illicit sex. Illicit. That's the best sex. Why do you want to have other than illicit? I only want illicit sex.

That's all I want. Instead of getting out here and having an illicit of the children and then run off and leave them. We need to treat life. That baby is a life. That baby is somebody that may grow up and be the president one day. Or may grow up and be the greatest general that we've ever had. Why do I need great general? Wait, what's happening?

Or is it fucking... Maybe that baby could be Alexander the Great. Wait, what? We don't need an Alexander the Great. We're okay. We're good. Could grow up to be a liberal. I'm just throwing that out there. Filthy goddamn liberal. If only there was a fucking

blood test for liberals. Could grow up to be a meth head too, bro. I know, right? Could grow up to be a fucking mass murderer. And in your area of the country, that chance is really high. It's pretty much 100% in Virginia. Don't they give them like fucking vitamin K eye drops and meth immediately upon? Yeah, exactly.

That's the thing. They spike the high school punch with it. It's time to go forward. Where do we go from here? Let's stop this business of this unmerciful killing. These people are doing things ungodly that God hates. He hated those people in the Old Testament for what they did to those children. And what they did to those young people that they roasted up on the altar and killed.

Well, nobody's roasting anything on an altar. Yeah, it seems totally inappropriate. I'm like right there with you. Yeah, I'm right there with God, too. Yeah, if somebody was like, what's going on? What's that delightful aroma? Oh, we're just having a spit roast of children. I'd be like, I don't feel like it's the road today,

so that's horrifyingly inappropriate. Not interested in barbecue. Thank you. Give me my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back. Give me my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back. Give me my baby back, baby back, baby back. I still wouldn't eat a chili. The sacrifice to their gods. Shame, shame, shame.

Something else. There's a big issue over guns right now. Take away their guns. You know, that's what Hitler did to Poland and Hungary and all those countries when he took them over. He also rolled in with fucking tanks and fucking aircraft and hundreds and thousands of soldiers and artillery. Everybody can have 20 guns right now. Like, we could give everybody in America 20 guns. And the military would still be like, oh, it's so sweet.

Look at you guys. It's like arm wrestling a baby. The U.S. military is so powerful that the fact that you have a handful of fucking stupid Colt M4s and AR-15s laying around your house, it's so great. Look at you. Look at you go with your little weapons. Way to go, Ted Nugent. Who cares yeah you literally can do nothing with that nonsense the the the discrepancy between regular people small arms

and military grade weapons is so insanely vast at this point that the fact that you've got a couple of shotguns sitting around your house or whatever it means nothing yeah it means nothing at all in our in afghanistan that's all they have really is small arms stuff they have a little bit extra stuff but they don't have a lot but you know they gotta live in a goddamn fucking mud hut right nobody here is gonna do that no one's gonna go fucking red dawn on the government are you kidding me we're too fat we're gonna be like fuck that dude you just What did you want again? What? Who cares? Do I need the Wi-Fi still?

Nobody's going to go fucking Taliban on the government. No. Nobody's going to do that. Look at the jagloss out in fucking Oregon. They're like, can you send us snacks? They can't hack it out there. They can't even hack it out there. Did you see they're sending them bags of dicks?

Did you see this? No, what? So a bunch of people on the internet are sending them dildos, and they're sending them bags of them. Like, here's a big bag of dicks. Here's a big bag of dicks. That's amazing. And I guess they got on me. Stop sending us dicks.

We have enough. We have plenty of dicks. I find these intimidating and arousing. And I don't know what to do with my feelings. Bill put one on his bayonet. That would be the best fucking dildo bayonet. Giant dildo bayonet. It's the gayest army ever.

But seriously, though, nobody here is going to fucking, like, go to the wild. You're exactly right when you said, like, gonna take my wi-fi like all you know the vast vast vast majority of people want to be safe and fed and clothed and comfortable and free to move about the fucking cabin right that's what we fucking want that's all that we that's that's that's that's it that's it and if somebody's like we're taking your gun and be like yeah all right it's over there you know it's in the closet you go ahead and get it you know there's a lot there's people some people who would probably die in the process sure they would man because people are fucking assholes right at the same time you know like like other countries have done it and you know australia has done it in the past i know that that you can have guns there but

it's it's difficult to get them you can have guns in a lot of places it's funny i was looking this up you can have guns in a lot of places you can you can conceal carry in a lot of countries too it's just a really arduous process. It should be an arduous process. It's not just walk in and be like, okay, you checked this box. Here's your concealed carry permit. Exactly. Like we'll just measure your neck beard and make sure that it's properly laid.

But in other countries, there are a lot of countries you can basically own firearms. You can do all this stuff. It's just a difficult, expensive process to do, right? Sure. stuff it's just it's just a difficult expensive process to do right sure um but in those other countries like fucking there's nobody over there that's like ha ha ha we have their guns look at what we're going to do to them now it's like there's a lot of people who aren't armed and nobody over there is worrying about it what would the government here's the thing about the government taking over they're already in charge that's why they're the government exactly they don't need to

take over that's the same thing that mussolini did to the italians italians the italians the italians mussolini the italians it's amazing with their muscacholis fuck you bro and their paschettis that's the same thing that the soviets did when they took over russia the first thing the nation does is disarm its citizens they take their guns away they take their russia the first thing the nation does is disarm its citizens they take their guns away they take their protection away the second amendment guarantees us the right to protect ourselves protect us from who number one the government i'm afraid of my government i'm scared of my government i don't trust my government i want to change my government i used to like it but i don't like it Because there's a black guy in there. Black people are scary. I'm not a huge fan of the blacks.

Let me just tell you that. I rallied against them back in the day, and now they're all uppity. All my hooded buddies. You know why? Because it's out to get me. It's out to disarm me. It's out to kill me. It's out to stop me from serving God.

It's out to stop me from living the way God wants me to live. the bible says it is better to obey god than man of course it does because it wants to give itself legitimacy like what else would it say if i wrote a how-to book i'd be like listen to this book exclusively right it's like it's like it's like you're not going to set rules called listen to the other rules first and if you get around to mine great that's a terrible system who puts a system like that in a place you know if you're going to try to control people maybe you should put it right in the book right geez go figure hang on to yours hang on to yours hang on to it that's the only protection you have against the government against tyranny against murderers and thieves and rapists and whoremongers that

want to storm in whoremongers i love whoremongers man whoremongers are like they're like i don't know they're like a cheap person's fishmonger whoremonger it's like yeah who is it whoremongers! What are you here for? We're taking over your family! Fine. Obama already took my guns. He just took my daughter. If I had a gun, I could shoot all the whoremongers.

No guns. That'd be a good name for a basketball team. The Chicago Whoremongers? That'd be amazing. Maybe the Indianapolis Whoremongers. I bet there's at least three bands in this building called the fucking Whoremongers? The Chicago whoremongers. That'd be amazing. Maybe the Indianapolis whoremongers. I bet there's at least three bands in this building called the fucking whoremongers. The Fort Wayne whoremongers.

It should be from fucking Indiana, right? In Indiana, it's just a given that they're whoremongers. It's redundant. You said you were from Indiana. Take over your property. Take over your family. Kill your wife. Why would they kill my wife?

Why would they make her a whore? They're whore mongers. It seems like this is a bad business plan. It's like being a farmer and burning all your corn. It seems like a terrible idea. Maybe your fucking recruiting efforts are for nothing. Stand up. Stand up.

Speak up. And do what you know is right where do we go from here let's go forward let's go forward you know what's going to happen if you're not counting if you don't stand up and be counted it won't be very long till you be counted out i don't want to go down like that. I want to stand up for Jesus. Isn't Jesus kind of permanently standing? They've pinned him in place. He's like, he's pinned in that hopscotch place. Like, it's a hopscotch position, right?

Right. He's like, hey, can you, I want you to sit down, take a load off. Oh, wait, you can't. Because you're nailed up there. Mid-five, Jesus. I want to stand up for America. I want to stand up for the church. I want to stand up with you who want to stand up for what is right.

I know some of you don't like what I say. I mean, even my own church don't like what I say, but I could care less. I've never been in the liking business anyway. All I want to do is please my Lord, and all I want to do is go to heaven, church don't like what I say, but I could care less. I've never been in the liking business anyway. All I want to do is please my Lord, and all I want to do is go to heaven, and the only place I want to live on this earth is the United States of America. I wouldn't trade it for anything else in this whole wide world. I am a dyed-in-the-wool United States of America citizen, and I love America, and the only place I want to go besides this is to go to heaven. Don't you?

Where do we go from here? Let's forget the past. Let's go forward. Let's get her done. Let's platitude. Did he just say, let's get her done? Yeah, let's get her done. Get her done?

That's it. Okay. Let's get it done. Let's get her life. Grow done that's it okay let's get it done let's get her life grow up get it got it what is what is with this guy get it got it good get a life that's got a job get a car get outside got milk he's just saying things he's seriously just he's seriously just saying stuff. At the end of it, he just lost it. He just lost it. He had no idea where he was going. He lost his notes.

He's just like, I don't know, pizza puffs. I was just like, okay, all right. Now, the concern, obviously, is if this isn't bottled up in San Francisco, this kind of nonsense, then it's going to be spreading across the entire fruited plain, and you're going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa, and you're going to have a rainbow colored wrapper for your Whopper. This story comes from Right Wing Watch.

Ben Carson, abnormal LGBT people shouldn't get extra rights. Well, here we go. I just feel like we need to hear this right from the presidential candidate's mouth. I know. Just let that sink in what will you do as president to guarantee well can we stop it though what will you do as president right can we stop there with this hypothetical can we just be like jetpack to the white house every day uh this isn't even a scenario that i want to fantasize about look i'm willing to fantasize about almost anything, right? I wake up halfway there. I'm game.

Right, yeah. It's like, okay, I'll meet you halfway. No matter what it is. It doesn't matter what it is. You give me a wink and a nod, and I'm like, all right, I'm in. I'm down. I'm in. I might need a shower.

I might not feel good about it, but we're going to get there together. I did it. Right? I did it. Crossing that one off the bucket list. Right? Cross the fucking bucket off the list. Ben Carson is president?

What dystopian hell is this? That federal funding will not be used to force school districts to require girls to shower with boys. And what else would you do to stem the growing misuse of regulations and testing and funding restrictions by the federal government and restore local control to parents and communities over their children's education? well you know this is such a a good example of what happens when the federal government tries to insinuate itself into the day-to-day living of the citizens this was never supposed to be the case and again if you go back and you look at the constitution it talks about why these kinds of decisions need to be made at the local or state level. It's because the legislators and the judiciary at the local level are subject to the will of the people. They can be voted in and they can be voted out.

Federal officials, the same exact thing. I know he's referring to the judges, right? Yeah. That's what he's referring to right now. But he's not specifically saying it. He's making an argument that – He's making an argument of federal versus local. Right.

But that's not the argument to make. That's not the issue right now. And therefore they must be sensitive to the values and the morals of the people in that area. and the morals of the people in that area. And the thing is, everybody in the federal government is local to me, that represents me. You know what I mean? Like, my senators are local to me in the sense that I'm from the same state. My House of Representatives is directly voted from me.

I only have one, and he's from my district, right? And the rest of it, the only person, there's only one person in the government that we all decide on, and that's the president. The rest of it, we don't decide on the Supreme Court. That's the president, and then the Congress has to approve, right? So that is a

thing we don't get to decide on anyway. So even on the federal level, it's local. Yeah, to a very large degree. Absolutely. And that's not the case when the feds come and they impose these kinds of things. And you see how silly this is. I mean, it's beyond ridiculous that you take the most abnormal situation and then you make everybody else conform to it.

That doesn't make any sense whatsoever. That's one of the very reasons that I have been an outspoken opponent of things like gay marriage. I don't have any problem with gay people doing anything they want to do. Except marriage. Great. Like, really? I've been an out want to do. Except marriage. Right. Like, really? I've been an outspoken opponent of gay marriage. You can do anything you want to do,

except marriage if you're a fucking opponent of marriage. Except for marrying. Right? Right, and that's the thing that they want to do because that's the thing that fucking allows them rights. Right. You know, it's a free country. There's freedom of association.

However, when you now impose your value system on everybody else and change fundamental definitions and principles of society, I have a big problem with that. Everybody is equal. Everybody has equal rights, but nobody gets extra rights. That's the dumbest shit. We fucking talked about this before. It's the dumbest shit ever. It's not an extra right. Well, gay people do have extra rights. That's the dumbest shit. We fucking talked about this before. It's the dumbest shit ever. It's not an extra right. Well, gay people do have extra rights.

Like, I mean, if you're gay, you could borrow a shirt from your spouse, right? That's an extra right. That I don't have. I can't go to – fucking first off, none of – If you try to wear one of Sarah's, you could get around a finger. I could wear it as a mitten. Like, that's what I could do. You take one of her shirts. Are you kidding me? it's not even a fucking do-rag for you i gotta say though there is

something to what he's saying though when he's saying like if gay people get married it will change my marriage because ever since gay people got married sarah's been asking me when we're gonna have our gay sex and she's like when are you gonna get the strap on and i'm like honey i don't need a strap on like i have a penis she's like you kind of need a strap on that's it like is there any way you can she's like oh can you just work it in any way like i can't get to it i just try to i gotta move the belly up i need a jack i also envy i do envy gay couples because they never have that argument like who left the seat up this fucking doesn't exist i both left the seat up yeah want to contact the guys go to dissonancepod.com to get links to their google plus facebook and twitter accounts if you want to contact them directly send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT.

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a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us you fucking rock god i hate this story this is from the patheos blogs some progressive secular humanist blog over at patheos catholic archbishop blames disobedient wives for domestic violence this is like this is like the catholic no joke equivalent of the of the of the shitty joke like what do you tell a woman with like two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice, right? Like,

like it's seriously like he's making it a doctrine. So, so this is what he said. He said, the majority of cases of domestic violence happen because the woman's partner does not accept them or rejects them for not accepting their demands. Often the macho reaction comes about because she, the wife, asked for a separation. Really? It also says, I don't think that our political leaders are worried about divorce figures

when they have fought so hard to implement the so-called quick divorce. And I think what he's thinking of is, you know, every divorce, you know, when it's an abusive divorce, should go 10 rounds. I mean, they should all go 10 rounds. But the thing is, if you knock her down three times during the proceedings, that's a TKO, and it's immediate. And that's what he's talking about. And I think

he's just getting the rules mixed up. Well, you know why divorce is so expensive, though? Because it's worth it. Oh, Jesus Christ! The speedy divorce, though, this is from Toledo, right? It's from Toledo, Spain, not – Not fake Toledo.

Not Covey Toledo. It's not Rachel, whatever her name is. Opal Covey. Opal Covey. How do you forget Opal? Opal Covey's Toledo. It's Spain Toledo. But they have – just like it's an old city, they have old laws.

And they actually – those old laws, you have to ask for divorce with a swollen mouth. And that's why this is set up this way. Actually, the guys over there can't even hear you. The silly in their ear won't even pick you up if you don't – are missing a few teeth. Like they just won't – You just can't speak. So it's just a solid sort of pushing out of the mouth. I would like a divorce

is what they say. I gotta go. I gotta go. His primary goal is to take you to hell with him. If Satan can get you to kill for him, great. That's icing on the cake. So this it comes from new republic um and the title of it is fucking unsettling why are exorcisms as popular as ever

and i feel like it's because people are still fucking stupid i mean that's exactly it right yeah that's. It's why are exorcisms super popular? Because we don't have good mental health, right? Like, that's it. Or the stupid part, because it says in there that talking about, like, exorcisms throughout the whole piece, and then he mentions a Pew Research study, right? He says, and in a Pew Research study conducted in the same year, 68% of Americans believe in the presence of angels

no and demons no 68 45 of them confused uh gravity with gravy well i mean it does sit pretty heavy yeah you know 25 thought rocks were stone people eggs they didn't know. And then finally, the last 10% thought that a real leprechaun runs the lotto. That's not true? There's a pot of gold on my ticket. It's right on there.

It's right on there. Where else would it have come from? There's going to be a tiny guy in a green suit who's going to give me my $1.4 billion check. It's the Lucky Charms guy, right? If you get a $.4 billion dollar check does it have to be like the size of a house it's right because the bigger the check the bigger the sum right take a lot of paper they actually spent 1.3 million dollars just printing it and 1.3 billion just printing the giant oversized novelty check exactly all you're left with is 0.1 billion dollars is still a hundred million dollars

did you watch the video in here of the guys who are exercising the guy at Starbucks? Wait, what? So there's a video in here. At Starbucks? There's a video in here. Hold on. I go to Starbucks all the time. Well, this is in Texas, though.

Oh, never mind. You don't go to Starbucks. I wouldn't go anywhere in Texas. You know why? Because it would be in Texas. Exactly. Well, there's a video of this. They're exercising this guy at the outside of Starbucks. And they're all sitting there, and they all get their lattes on the table.

It's an important exercise in Starbucks, though, because those lattes have a lot of calories. They do. If you get a Frappuccino, you better spend some time on the Stairmaster indoor exercising. Fucking burpees, bitch. But anyway, they're standing there. They're sitting outside, and they're all around this table, and they're doing the laying on the hands, et cetera, et cetera. And they're sitting outside and they're all around this table and they're doing the laying on the hands, et cetera, et cetera. And I don't think that that's the weirdest thing that you can find at a Starbucks because there's got to be a barista out there that you could pour your coffee into his fucking beard.

You know what I mean? There's one that you could drink. And drink it out of it. Yeah, it's like drinking out of a bird's nest. You've never looked at the heavens. Everything in the heavens is here moving as the heavens move that's how i know it's coming how else can i make the prediction a thousand years ago there was a great conjunction three suns lined up another great conjunction coming up anything could happen the whole world might burn up the great conjunction is the end of the world oh the beginning so the story is from

right wing watch this is alex jones uh fucking alex jones secret muslim obama is at war with america now we're not going to watch this because it's 22 minutes long and i tried to go through Jones secret Muslim Obama is at war with America. Now we're not going to watch this cause it's 22 minutes long. And I tried to go through this like I did with the Ted Nugent piece to listen to it. And after, after like three minutes I wanted to shove a needle knitting needle in my ear.

I was just done. Get all the happening on yourself. Done. Yeah, exactly. I was going to happening myself. I would much rather watch 20 minutes of the happening. No,

wait, wait, wait, wait, shut your whore mouth. Seriously, dude,. No, wait, wait, wait, wait. Shut your whore mouth. Seriously, dude. That's this is fucking.

I guess it is. This is pure insanity. It is Alex Jones. And then the guy talks like that's the whole time. You're just like, I just want to. It's like fucking throw that voice. Throat node McGee. I can't do it.

I just can't do it. He sounds like that lady from like Goonies and throw mama from the train. Who literally died of actual throat cancer. And he's interviewing the guy who sounds like, ah, here you go. But there's a part in this where he talks about how Obama has a – what is this? A Wahhabist ring? Wahhabist, right? Wahhabist? What is that?

Well, the Wahhabis is the sect of Islam that's primarily responsible for the actions of ISIL. Oh, I thought a Wahhabist was somebody who flew drones around. No, no, no. It's actually – the Wahhabist is – Oh, they're the ones who shoot the drones at. Yeah. Okay. Sorry.

I had it mixed up. But they're delicious with sushi and a little soy sauce. So it's – can I get that with extra Wahhabi no that's that's what i'm looking for it's kind of a pun tom it's uh right for you i did one for you buddy look at me soon i'll sports i'll turn it over new you are every day you are clever with your words so uh fucking alex jones has kicked off the program by lamenting that he can quote hardly sleep at night because he can feel that evil is on the move because of the Obama administration. If you think it's on the move, it's the Obama administration.

You got a fucking year left. He's not going to accomplish anything. He was at war with America. He had fucking seven years to start the war, execute the war and finish the war. The last year of any presidency, he just fucking masturbates in every room of the White House. That is fucking literally the only thing I would do. I would walk around with my fucking dick in my hand, spurting

on fucking every available service. I would ejaculate on the Oval Office desk my name. And I would just leave it there and let it bubble up. So the next person comes to me like, Oh, Cecil. Oh. The janitor comes through and he's like scraping the desk with a razor blade.

They just have to cut the thing with an axe and get it out of there. They're just like, bring an axe. We're going to break that fucker out and we're just going to make a new one. It burns like fucking acid from the aliens. There's no way Trump's going to want to sit at my desk. Don't you fucking talk about Trump. I swear to God, man. I can't hear that shit.

At one point in this article, though, I don't know. We're not going to listen to it. But he says it's gun control today and internment camps tomorrow. We don't have months. We don't have weeks. This man could start world war three tomorrow he could enact military law at the twirling of a pen he said uh so and he's like he says uh president obama he added before accusing president obama of committing treason

and building a ruthless dictatorship yeah a president that basically state of the union address was i wish i could have done more but i got cock blocked every time i tried to accomplish anything that was the state of the union address was like dudes this shit's broken everything i tried to do you fucked me up yeah that was the state of the union address right yeah and that is a ruthless dictatorship yeah it's a ruthless dictatorship where the president's like come on guys he's stomping his foot petulantly i wanted to accomplish something eight years virtually nothing actually literally nothing yeah that's his ruthless dictatorship and you know why wait to send us to internment camps that far down the road?

How many of us are going to – we can't all be in an internment camp. There have to be people outside the internment camp. Yeah, the Jews. Fucking navigating away. This has gone south. This whole thing has gone south. You know, there is nothing normal about being a sodomite. There is no life that will come out of a rectum.

You cannot produce life. It's only death. Every time, there's nothing in a rectum except waste, refuse, and death. Oh, God. Right-wing watch again. Mike Huckabee touts endorsements from anti-gay extremists and end times fanatics. No great surprise here. We're not going to listen.

Okay, so this is a bunch of – we're not going to listen to all of them because there's like 10 of them. Okay. I don't want to listen to all of them. I don't want to listen to any of them. I don't even want to do this show. But I'm fucking willing to make compromises for you, buddy. All right. You're just done. You're just done.

You're just done. This one, though, we're going to listen to. This one's homosexuality like deadly children. Wait, like children of the corn children? It says homosexuality like deadly children's toys. So they're comparing homosexuality to deadly children's toys. I don't buy those. I buy the ones from the toy store.

The not deadly ones? Yeah. Yeah, I try to avoid the not deadly ones too. Like you just go down the deadly toy aisle. It's just like, oh, look, we could get them Legos or IEDs. That's it. Or Jarts. That's it.

Jarts. Jarts. I ever tell you a story? My brother and I were playing Jarts. Is that what happened? Yeah, I know. I know. So we're in the backyard and we've got these stupid fucking

jarts anyone that doesn't know what a jart is it's a lawn dart i don't know why they call them jarts but well that's what they used they used to call them jarts and they were back before they were like uh before there were laws yeah so so they okay first off i don't understand how you can be like no jarts but horseshoes are okay you know like i mean a horseshoe you can't hit that with horseshoe it's done you're you're fucking you are sipping your soup from one side of your mouth for the rest of your life you know i mean like like you're done you're like right okay this whole half doesn't work anymore i'm like okay i'm just half a person now that's how i brain like okay you're all right yeah but you know anyway and you can't but you can't be like well you can't have horseshoes

anymore because people are going to do that but they they stopped making these things because they were a heavy big giant dart like thing they weren't super sharp they had like a rounded but what they made up for lack of sharpness they or what they lacked in sharpness they made up for in weight and momentum and velocity right so you would throw them and you'd try to get those. I played it a bunch when I was a kid. You'd try to throw the jarts in the air and they would land in a circle, like a little round. That was the target.

Yeah. And so you'd want to get them in there and just like horseshoes. If it was like less than a length of one of them away, it was a half a point or whatever. It's actually a fun game. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It's just a lawn game, right? like bags or yeah you know any other lawn game but my i remember my dad had him my brother and i were kids we were pretty young like before fourth fifth grade you know and i i remember my brother holding the target above his head like william tell and i've

got above his head now hold on now which way was it facing so so it was facing so that if i were to achieve okay all right because i was like if he was holding it like a halo that would be even better no unfortunately not but you know and so i'm like lining up my shot like and i'm about to take this lawn dart sure and stick it in his eye stick it right in his fucking eye you were gonna hit him in the eye i. I was getting him in the face somewhere. Somewhere, yeah. You couldn't miss his face because his face is huge. There was fucking no way.

I was not a fucking lawn dart ninja, right? No. It's not like I was like, oh, I'm a professional lawn dart. You don't sport sports anyway, so you were going to miss. Yeah, but here's the thing. Here's the other thing. I don't coordination, right? You don't coordination or sports.

But I make up for lack of coordination with straight power. Yeah, exactly. Everything I do, I do way too hard. So if this were to have worked, I would have put it through his body. There would have been an exit. You would have stuck him to a wall. And I remember my dad. I'm lining up my shot, and I'm concentrating because I'm going to do this.

And my dad, what the fuck are you doing? And he never cursed at us. He never, ever raised his voice. And fuck are you doing and he never cursed that as he never ever raised his voice and i remember looking and he's like running and i'm like dad can't run that's not something that happens and he is fucking running out there and i'm like i think he'd make a shot still i think it stops me from doing it and he's and i i look back at that there's an alternate universe where you killed your brother right exactly that exactly. That's what I mean. Like, I look back at that and it's like, oh man, I was almost a murderer. Yeah.

Still on the bucket list. Definitely, definitely if you get a chance to do that, do it with your brother again. If he'll hold the target above his head. Let's take him shooting. You know, we put him in the thrower

and just whoop. He's little. He's pretty weak. He's holding the thing holding the target in his hands as he spins through the air. It's a hard shot to hit, actually. Alright, so here's Right Wing Watch. Children like

homosexuality like deadly children's toys. If hundreds of thousands of people died from a product that's being marketed to your children, would you want to know about it? A lethal product like that would have more than a warning on the label. It would be pulled from the shelves and anyone caught selling it would be held legally liable. Unless that lethal product

happened to be homosexual behavior. A behavior responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands do we see a sort of done no children wait a minute wait no just people it's i don't know if you knew this tom but when you have homosexual sex you have to look at the palm of your hand because sometimes like logan's run there's like a little bleeping light that's it it just well and then you just explode yeah why would why would fucking gay sex like so some dude blows me and who dies? Is it like the box from that – from like Twilight Zone where like you press the button? Yeah. Except for your dick's in the box.

Like somebody – like you press the button and somebody dies somewhere. It's like – you're like, oh, god. Yeah. Who died? Who died? I just killed Aunt Millie. Like what am I shooting out of that thing? Is it – it's like you're like oh god yeah who died who died did i just killed aunt millie like what am i shooting out of that thing is it it's like do you put it through the back of their head is it lawn darts jesus how do you think gay sex works that well that is how it works they hold the target right over their face lawn jarred themotes the biggest sources of medicine, whether it be the

Center for Disease Control, the National Institutes of Health, the Journal of the American Medical Association. So if you have some anger, I suggest you speak to the most anti-gay force in the world, and that is Mother Nature herself. Very interesting thing we're told in the Book of Kings. When they had a revival, it says that they chased the sodomites out of the land. That is they addressed the homosexual issue, they confronted it head on. If you think we can have a revival and not address the issue of homosexuality and marriage, then you're denying the authority of the scriptures and you're denying what history tells us across all the great revivals America's had in its own history. Even one person has gotten out of that lifestyle that proves that it's possible.

And of course, there have been thousands of people who have. Gotten out of the lifestyle of being attracted to the gender that you're attracted to? Could you get out of that lifestyle? Could you get out of it? Here's the thing. I am 100% attracted to women. I like that. That is the thing that I like, right?

Yeah, yeah. I can't imagine being like, oh, I got to stop being attracted to women. I like that. That is the thing that I like, right? Yeah, yeah. I can't imagine being like, oh, I got to stop being attracted to women. How can I find – I got to change. What do I need to change to be – it's not like where you're like, oh, I kind of don't like pickles. Sure. Maybe I'll have – Man, I'm a little chubby. I want to avoid eating X, Y, and Z, all of the food or whatever it is that I'm eating.

Yeah. Fucking buckets of chef boy rd whatever it's fine i understand exactly where you're coming from it's like there's there's nothing i can turn off in my brain yeah unless i'm just lying to myself right then i'm saying okay i guess i can force my i could i'm sure i could force myself to be celibate but i would be unhappy sure i would be unhappy about it i'd be like this sucks i it would be and there's a limited time span yeah right like you're i'd be like this sucks i it would be and there's a limited time span yeah right like you're not gonna be like i can force myself to be celibate

permanently like all the times i don't think so and also like you know as a hetero guy it's not appealing at all to me to think about having sex with a guy in any way right it's not appealing at all i'm not there's nothing about the male body that i'm attracted to not a bit right i'm not i look at myself and i'm repulsed you know what i mean hey that makes that makes everyone that makes seven billion it makes everyone right yeah exactly um but you know the the fact is is that i i don't i don't find the male body attractive at all right i kind of feel like nobody. I sort of think it's a joke women play at us. I think that's true, too. I actually think when women find us attractive, when they're like, yeah, you're pretty hot, you're like, what else is going on?

Like, can I? Wait, really? Are you blind? I feel like. There's a great Seinfeld bit. Waving my hand in front. There's a great Seinfeld bit where Elaine says the male body is strictly utilitarian. And it's a great line because it's true.

It's like – because they're talking about how beautiful a woman's body looks naked and then a guy's body. You're like, that's not a thing you want to see naked. Yeah, right? It's like that's a grocery carrier. Yeah, exactly. It's like, look, if you have like an old beat-up Jeep, you might come to love it for the service it has provided to you. Right. But nobody's nobody's putting it in a showroom.

The male body. An old beat up Jeep. But but I think about that and I think, you know, there's nothing about the male body that I'm attracted to. So if I were to try to force myself into this situation, let's say I was a gay guy and I'm trying to – I'm like, no, I got to be straight, got to be straight, got to be straight. And then I'm like, have sex with a woman. Think about it the opposite way. That's what I mean. Got to be gay.

Got to be gay. Got to be gay. Got to be gay. Have sex with a guy. I'd be like – I would be repulsed by it just like a gay guy would be repulsed by having sex with a woman. It would be the same thing. You'd be like, that's – I don't want to do that. I've heard like that sexuality is more of a continuum than a bunch of hard and fast you know like

so there's you know it's it's sort of like where you fall in that continuum but yeah i mean i think rupaul's kind of cute you know what i mean like i know where you're getting yeah i mean in the right lighting you know a couple of drinks who would know look i mean i would know the more important question is who would tell. Because his dick's the size of a baby arm. But other than that, anyway, you're saying. But, like, if you fall far on one end of that continuum, and you're like, oh, man, I'm pretty strictly hetero. Yeah, no.

Like, the thing is, I just don't think the shit would perform. Right. Right? Like, that's the thing. It's like, well, you should just get out of that lifestyle. The lifestyle is not throw pillows. Yeah. Right?

I mean, the throw pillows are the accessory. It's a nice thing to have. Right? Yeah. In the criminalization of Christianity, I warned that counseling people out of homosexuality would be made illegal. of homosexuality would be made illegal and now licensed counselors in california and new jersey are forbidden from giving hope to minors who do not want same-sex attractions minors yeah and they only don't want it because you keep on fucking drilling into them how fucking unnatural and how evil they are you know what i mean like like if you were just honest with them be like

yeah look some people are gay uh okay it's fine. And it's okay. You know, the thing is, your son knows gay people exist, right? Sure. Right? Is he gay? No. He's fucking the farthest thing from gay, right? He's a little kid who loves boobs.

You know what I mean? He loves so much. He fucking loves boobs. So much. And the thing is, if he was gay, you wouldn't mind, whatever, who cares? But he's not gay. He's straight, right? so the fact is is like you you don't he didn't fucking immediately think oh that's what i want to do then right yeah it's not

like because it was an option right it's not like he's like oh i wanted the chicken nugget meal right it's it's not like you're in the mood sometimes for the dick yeah right you're not like well some people are because there's are yeah there's like there's bisexuals out there yeah but it but that's that's it's not like you're strictly heterosexual, and then you wake up one day and you're like, oh, tacos or sausage. Tacos or sausage. That is a dilly of a pickle. I'm going to go with the pickle.

I'll just go with the dilly of a pickle. If they do anything other than encourage homosexual behavior, they will lose their license to counsel, even if they are a pastor. So for those who want help leaving homosexuality, that door is closed. Back door is closed. I just want to point out that the music they're using is this music. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a fundamentalist wacko. But you don't need to be plotting

the dominionist takeover of America every day to know that there's something wrong in this country when farmers plant two types of crops in the same field. And children are allowed to wear clothes made out of two types of fabric. As president, I'll bring back Levitical law and make sure if a man commits adultery

with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. I'm looking at you, Newt Gingrich. Faith really didn't have much of a part in making America great, but hey, let's change history together. I'm Rick Parody, and I approve this message.

Dude, that's old school, man. Holy cow. This thing is December 2011. Oh my god, we've been doing this too long. How did you remember that? It's this part here, because we come back in. Here, it's going to come back in in a second. Music, big swelling. It comes right back in. Oh, you're still here? Enjoying the music, huh?

Yeah, we didn't spare any expense. You hear those angels? We hired real angels. Genuine Texas angels. From the Alamo itself. Because, you know, America. That's awesome. That's awesome. But we found the same music that's silly

we both use the same royalty-free music just googled fucking free music that's awesome freeangelmusic.com speaking of ads we just played an ad let's play another ad. This is Marco Rubio's ad that he's playing. It's a 30-second ad he's playing. And I just, I cannot get over it. All right, let's do it. Our goal is eternity. The ability to live alongside our creator for all time.

To accept the free gift of salvation offered to us by Jesus Christ. Free gift? What? With every order? Hold on. Do you get two if you order now? Yeah, but you gotta pay shipping and handling. I would like two salvations, please.

Can I have my free gift of salvation, please? The shipping cost to heaven will fucking kill you. Like, the fucking angels come down and they're like, I don't think we can get him up there. I don't know. We don't have cargo

ship size wings right that's it let's do we have an angel c-130 is that a thing i don't guys do we have one of those helicopters with like seven rotors i don't know you need like a you need like a fucking giant like v3 rocket full of holy water to shoot you up in the air. Your salvation has as seen on TV. The struggle on a daily basis as a Christian is to remind ourselves of this. Do you really have to struggle to remind yourself that you're going to heaven? Every day I wake up and I'm like, oh, what was I going to do? I'll go to heaven if I die. Struggle is real, bro.

Oh, man. Should I fucking kill that dude? No. Go to heaven. Go to heaven, Tom. Go to heaven. Keep it on the straight line. Keep it in your sights! Priorities! Priorities! The purpose of our life is to cooperate with God's plan. To those who much has been given, much is expected.

And we will be asked to account for that. What does that even mean? To those who platitude, platitudinous bullshit. Fuck you! To those who much is given, much is expected. Unlike you poor fuckers, we don't need anything from you. You offer nothing to the world. None of you fuckers better be running the country.

You dirt poor fucking vagabonds. Disgusting. Vagabonds? Filthy. I like that you fucking vagabonds. Nasty fucking people. Fucking dare you. You rap scallions.

Vagabond has been a choice word for me lately. It's a good one. I like that. Vagabond. Were your treasures stored up on lately i like that vagabond where your treasure stored up on earth or in heaven they're in my safe where they belong i keep me chargers in me pirate chest i do where i my pet my parrot watches over it he does they're under my dragon where they go fucker i have a i have a map with an x on. All you can do is find some gold and sit on it. I hired a leprechaun. And to me, I try to allow that to influence me in everything that I do. I'm Marco Rubio, and I approved this message.

You are the message. You literally were the speaker of the message. I would argue that anybody who argues for sodomy, ask them, is there any life in the rectum? Can two women produce life? And the answer, of course, would be no. Then the ultimate goal of life is life. So Cecil Pat Robertson, he's back. I love this guy.

He's from Right Wing Watch. Here we go. Don't let your child get wrapped up in the gay lifestyle. Also, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys. That's another thing that you can't do, too. He's got another video on that, but we're going to play this one instead.

Okay, Luz says, Pat, my daughter was baptized and accepted Jesus as a child, but during the past three years, she believes she's gay. She'll be 18 in June and says she's moving in with her girlfriend. I believe that she's confused. Nobody's confused about whether or not they like to munch box, right? I don't know. Why are you confused?

You're like, yes or no. It's not like you have to get the pussy in your mouth before you decide you know what I mean it's not like you're like well I don't know I don't know maybe I'll like it maybe I won't and then you put it in your mouth like I changed my mind do you have any dick flavored pussy well you will soon.

Because I'm coming in and I ain't been washed. Confused. Can we just confuse them all? Man, not sure what to do. Suck a dick. Or have sex with a chick. They rhyme and everything. It's's so hard and i don't even know if i'm hard i can't i don't even know what to do what to do there's nothing easier to figure out than your sexuality because you're fucking your body's like that's the thing i want that's the thing like your whole adolescence your body's just like that's the thing

i want that's the thing i want that's the thing i want pay attention to me yeah like that's the only thing from like the age of like fucking 12 that's the still like 27 that song was going through my head the whole time pay attention to me that's the thing i want that's the thing i want that's the thing i want that's my song i wrote that that's my song i wrote that from the. That's my song. I wrote that from the heart. That's my jam. Fuck you. Play Pat Robertson. I'll fucking kill you. Can it be our jam? All right.

It's our song. Oh, I love this one. I love this one. This is my favorite. It's about boners. Turn it up, bro. This is my favorite. It's about boners. Turn it up, bro. It's my jam. And I have reminded her of God's promises for her.

I don't accept this lifestyle because I believe God's word and truth for marriage. I continue to believe and pray for revelation and God's truth over her. How do I have a relationship with her? How do I have a relationship with her? Fucking don't smell her breath. I mean, like, you're fine. It doesn't sound like you want to have a relationship with her it sounds like you want to control what she does right like that's not a relationship well it's a bad one yeah it's like it's a terrible relationship it's like a master slave relationship right yeah yeah that's

how can i have a relationship with my daughter who i think is a lesbian cunt like whoa shit what fuck i uh i don't know it's you're fucking you're an awful human i just don't she'll be better off without you if you're that much of a fucking bitch then your daughter is going to be a thousand times off better off without you what i wonder too is you know how fucking narcissistic are you that i'm very narcissistic thank you i'm not asking you this is a rhetorical question you asshole um no but how narcissistic narcissistic does one person have to be in order to immediately look at a situation and then say well this doesn't match my ideas yeah right and so now i've got a i've got to figure out a way to fix it. To fix you. To fix another person.

To fix another person's sexuality. They've got to look at it and be like, oh, this is an abomination. This is wrong. I'm waiting for God's revelation. I'm going to pray about this and blah, blah, blah. Hey, really old fucking 90 year old dude, how do I get through this situation? I don't even know what your question could possibly be. Your question is, how

do I have a relationship with it? That's your question to Pat Robertson. You're asking relationship questions to pat robertson you've already failed the parent test that's it right you've failed at life like how do i have a relationship with somebody who's doing something i don't approve of well i don't know is it any of your fucking business like asking pat robertson how to have small cheeks um love her and let her know you love her and don't ever stop loving her and and let her know that you will be there for her whenever she needs it but you've got to let her know too clearly what you just said you don't accept the lifestyle so uh it's a difficult thing but i think many young

people uh you know that they want to they think they're transsexual and they think they've got to have a sex change operation. They've got to do this, that, and the other. Where is he coming at with this? She's a lesbian. She's not a transsexual. What? A lot of young people want to cut off their genitals and glue new genitals on.

What are you talking about? That's a totally different... What's happening? That's real different. Transsexual is really, really different. And they don't really know what they're talking about because they're too young to know. And I have a feeling the same thing. You know, there's nothing that says that somebody can't be attracted to the opposite sex.

Young girls have crushes and they have crushes on their teachers and they have crushes on other girls as well as boys what wait what's happening here what's going on with pat i think pat robertson's watched too much cinemax that's what i i know he's like i've seen this movie hang on this clip's six minutes long i'm only gonna need three of it this is lady chatterley's lover i've seen this one before and uh that's one of those things that happens. But that'll get differentiated as she gets older. But if she gets wrapped up in that lifestyle, she may never get out of it. So all I can say is love her and pray for her.

Well, half of those things would be effective. Yeah. Well, you know, it's funny. If she gets wrapped up in that lifestyle. Yeah. Yeah. Otherwise known as another woman's legs. Also. You want answers? I think I's legs also you want answers i think i'm entitled you want answers i want the truth you can't handle the truth sister comes to the raw

story um jim baker extreme weather patterns are the spirit of isis in america extreme weather isis extreme with isis form of extreme weather all right so this is from right wing watch no pardon me this is from raw story uh this is from raw story this is jim baker and uh this is from his show the crazy jim baker hour i'm a 50s boy okay and the other day God was speaking to me to tell you to wake up. Why didn't he tell me? Wait a minute. God was speaking to me to tell you to wake up. Why couldn't he just call me?

Why couldn't he just inhabit my alarm clock? Set my phone to go off at a certain time. Set my brain to go off. It's God. I gotta talk to Jim Baker first. I run it all through Jim Baker. I gotta talk to Jim Baker first. I run it all through Jim Baker. I pick three

people and I try, you know, I give... He's like the old-timey operator. He's gotta connect... Jim Baker, give me Cecil. Hey, Jim Baker, can you connect me? Why, yeah. My pigs are getting big. Of course they are. They're in heaven. Watch them fly.

And, of course When you get my age Your brain always goes back to your childhood You know or to your teen years The Ebley brothers were very popular Back then And in fact They used to tell me I looked a little like one of the Ebley brothers

No one gives a fuck No one gives a fuck What people used to tell you You used to look like 200 years ago when you were fucking spry. No one gives a fuck what people thought during the fucking Civil War when you were fucking wandering around. And you had to stand still 40 minutes for a photo, you asshole. Oh, people used to tell me I looked like a fucking group you'd never heard of that's all fucking dead now. They used to say I looked like Robert E. group you'd ever heard of it's all fucking dead now oh they used to say you look like robert e lee super relevant information that's great let me go ahead and file that away under who gives a shit but that was when i had hair and black hair

and they wrote they sang a song called wake up little suzy i think it was the name of the song but god was speaking tell the people wake up But God was speaking. Tell the people, wake up. People. I was singing, wake up. I was saying, wake up, people. Wake up, people. And this year ended with some of the most outlandish storms at Christmas. And Rick Joyner, oh, he's Rick. Rick Joyner warned us, and he said, when you see extremes, it's a warning from God.

Extremes are a warning from God. Why wouldn't God just be like, this is your warning, y'all. Why does it got to be weird weather in certain places? No, it's extreme. Hey, y'all, I gave you the X Games. games. Somebody like hang glides into a skiing position and like they fucking use their fucking whatever that chipmunk

suit or whatever to fly in. Extreme! Extreme! As Jesus flies in a squirrel suit. That's how he returns from fucking like when Jesus returns. Bass jumps from heaven.

No helmet. Because he's Jesus. As he flies through the air though, that whistling in his hand has got to be really annoying. That's the sound we're all getting. That's the trumpet you hear. That's it. Jesus' whistling hand as he flies.

As he squirrel suits down from heaven. As he squirrel suits down. That dude's so extreme he does his crosswords with a pen he like zooms in and like does the twisty thing as they go through the buildings the spiral and then he lands

and then destroys the earth people forgot about what he was doing extreme weather you're an asshole we have extreme weather every day somewhere every day somewhere. Every day somewhere there's something extreme happening. But it only counts if it's the United States because God only cares about America. Now just, you know, earthquakes in diverse places.

It's not earthquakes. It's earthquakes in many places. Oh, thanks for defining diverse because I was fucking confused what a fucking basic word like diverse. Jesus Christ. Earthquakes in many places a fucking basic word like diverse. Jesus Christ. Earthquakes in many places because that doesn't happen either. Yeah, right? I mean, it's not like we're in a geologically unstable planet. It's only like a fucking giant plate that's shifting that could cover large areas.

The word diverse, of course, means many places. Most kids probably wouldn't have any idea what earthquakes in diverse places even mean. Kids aren't listening to your show. Dude, it's not diverse either. I know, right? It's fucking diverse. They probably don't know what you're talking about because you're fucking mispronouncing it.

They probably don't even know. The kids watching the fucking Jim Baker Hour. What are you fucking kidding me? The only kids watching the Jim Baker Hour are chained up in the basement of a madman right now. Nobody's watching the jim baker hour on purpose this is some fucking clockwork orange indoctrination shit i want people to know the word and so earthquakes in many places and so the storms are gonna rock. Christmas Day, I think it was.

Christmas Day and the day after Christmas, there was wildfires in California. I think the wildfires started on Christmas. So we had wildfires. We had tornadoes. And we had blizzards. Look, here's the thing. America's fucking huge, man. You could have diverse fucking weather.

man you could have diverse fucking weather there's times that like there's fucking it's it's it's 70 or 80 degrees in florida and then it's like fucking blizzards up here and it's you know 70 degrees in where like in fucking phoenix or something like this week i got on an airplane it was 60 degrees in california i landed in chicago it was one degree. Because it's 2,500 miles away. That's how geography works. Or geography. Kids these days don't know what geography is. People kill

and flooding. Oh, man. It's fluting. Sorry. They got the fluting. It was 80 something degrees right and then a blizzard on the other yes in the same state that's right amarillo got close to two feet of snow yeah because because texas is fucking as big as like five states dude i know right like you I know. You just can't even listen to this shit.

They say it like it's a thing. Here's the thing. Maybe that's a thing if it fucking happened in Rhode Island. Then I'd be like, okay, yeah, it's fucking 80 degrees and then it's blizzard somewhere like a mile away. Okay, that's a little weird. I'm good with that. Gonna need an explanation. But when you're talking about, that could happen in Ohio, man.

I know. The fuck, dude? So then flooding, the worst flooding probably in years, I think it was back to 1800 or something. Mississippi River, the lakes here are full, all around here. Tremendous flooding. That's right. Here are full, all around here, tremendous flooding. That's right.

Tornadoes in Texas and Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama, Oklahoma. So what the fuck? So who fucking cares? Like, what does that mean? That means, what he's telling people is, like, fucking buy more garbage. Like, there's a flood, guys. Guys, there's a flood. Buy a bucket of slop from me.

That's it. Because fucking next week you're going to sell them another goddamn bucket of slop because nothing happened. Nothing fucking happened, man. So we want to thank our most recent patrons, Michael, Scott, Frank, Henry, Megan, Matthew, and Howard. Thanks very much for your generous donations. We really do truly appreciate it. We recently wound up getting a new studio in downtown Chicago, and it's a place that we're recording at now, and it's now being paid for by the patrons. So we want to thank everybody because you're the one who makes this show possible. The show would have gone through some really serious transitional problems if we didn't have the patrons and these funds to fall back on and to make sure that the show keeps going this way.

Yeah, I will say that through some tremendous changes in both of our lives in the last several years. We've not missed a week. And it really is. This legitimately would not be possible. The studio we're recording in today. The fact that the show exists right now. Given all the changes that we've had in our lives. Just because of the patrons.

Well, not just the patrons. Because also PayPal donations. PayPal donations are another way you can support the show. We had some PayPal donations this week. we got payments from uh less from richard and from scott thank you guys very much um it's just another way for you to donate to the show if that's something that you feel inclined to do um without our patrons there certainly the production schedule would change the production schedule would suffer So thank you very much for that. And if you think the show

was worth some money, you can go to patreon.com. You get the show a little early and we're going to be starting to roll out some extras very soon for a lot of the patrons. We're going to be brainstorming through some stuff.

We're looking at possibly putting up some video. We might be recording a video of our actual recording sessions. That's terrifying. Who wants to watch that? I don't know, but we might be doing that and that would be for a level of our actual recording session that's terrifying who wants to watch i don't know but we might be doing that and uh and that would be for a level of patronage we would let people

see the video if they wanted to they could just watch the behind the scenes what happens here in glory hole studios watch us with our pants off you know i mean if that's the thing that somebody wants to see you know we can also turn the camera off for a different level of exactly the higher level gets the camera off. Just burn the camera. We have some ideas to reward some of the patrons because we really do appreciate it. So thank you very much. And we're going to keep – in this new year, we're definitely going to be looking at new ways to do that.

Right. We got a message from Janine, and Janine said, I was thinking about this when you played the question to P-Robes. thinking about this when you played the question to P-Robes. That's the pet name that Janine has for Pat Robertson, which I like. P-Robes. I like that. That's good.

It's probably what he does in his robes. It's what he does in all of his clothes. He's just a fucking walking diaper. When you're that old, you get the diapers. You know what I mean? He stores them in his cheeks. You don't have to wait until you're older. I got few p robes about the guy involved with hookers shookers and and best part is is it ch it's the jewish hookers hookers uh do you do you think people write fake

questions to patty boy just to hear bullshittery that he will spew i wonder that with some of these questions because there's a lot of questions that come out and it and it seems like they they they do pick the most extreme ones i think the producers write them yeah that no one's telling them i think that could be too that could be i don't think he has any idea i think the producers are back there giggling and writing fucking fake letters that could be it could also be that it could also be that they're picking the most extreme ones sure um he could be that he's reading 400 letters a show i don't know because i don't watch the whole thing so i don't know how much an episode i don't know how much time he spends on it you know is it five minutes is it is it an hour i don't know how long i'll never i'll never watch i would never know right never watched but uh but yeah i mean if it's if there's a bunch then i bet

the producers are sending me i'd rather fucking drop an anvil on my testicles than fucking watch 700 the producers are definitely sending me because i just made janine up so we got a message uh from michael and he's like i hope i didn't piss off google and he added glory hole studios to google maps google maps that's hilarious. We got a message. This is from Carolyn. And Carolyn has a kind of an idea that she says her husband thinks, Tom. She said, my husband thinks that disenfranchisement is much more dangerous for creating extremists and violence than religion is. According to him, if a whole group of people have nothing positive to do with their lives, you'll end up with violence, religion or not.

Look at child soldiers. Obviously, religious texts provide the scripture for violence, but I'm not sure it's necessary. What do you guys think? My first thought is religion – I think very clearly religion isn't necessary for violence. No, not at all. But it certainly doesn't help. It doesn't help the situation. It often exacerbates the situation.

It is one of many causes of violence, right? To look at violence and say that it's singularly caused I think is a myopic worldview. Sure. It's a multi-causal problem. Yeah, and it doesn't – and, Tom, it doesn't rectify the situation either when violence is introduced. Look at the priest from Toledo we talked about earlier that was saying beating your wife. Yeah, well, when she asked for the divorce, sometimes she deserves it. So there is the level of the fact that religion sometimes, while it doesn't create the violence and it may not exacerbate that violence,

what it does is it doesn't quell that violence right this is interesting someone said that there's uh brian sent us a message and said hey just so you know there's a bar nearby uh glory hole studios at ogden and randolph uh and so maybe we'll hit that one night i don't know when we're not recording in the fucking wee hours of the night right i know we got we got it we got to start where we keep getting together early we keep having stuff to do to get set up to It's a new studio. So we're busy. But yeah, you know what we'll do is we'll try to plan.

Maybe we'll tweet something out one of these days. Maybe what we'll do if we finish early, we'll post it to the Patreon page. If you're a patron, we'll let you know. We're nearby. We'll go swing over and grab a beer. And if you feel so inclined, we'll buy you one too, maybe. Got a drinking game from Steve and Tom. Yeah. So take a drink whenever Tom coughs because cecil just couldn't edit that one out i can't edit them all out because

especially now that we're on the same mic system i can't edit them out and i've got my winner i got my winner cough yeah that's your it's your fucking it's your it's your nine month cough that you get every year right yeah it's just a little just a little cough that lasts most of the year um whenever one of the guys says, literally, whenever one of them states, we're going to get email about that. We get email about everything. When Cecil says, here's the thing. Here is the thing, though.

Whenever they intentionally misuse a part of speech, i.e., that doesn't even sentence. That's a lot of drinking. Whenever they say how much they love Pat Robertson. We do love Pat Robertson, admittedly. I love him physically. Whenever your phone accidentally starts playing in episodes that your eight-year-old daughter gets to hear such gems as come on rick perry take it in the mouth

we never said that we certainly did when the boy is mainly cecil leave a letter out of or add a letter to words such as woof polka anticlimactic else both i.e what is else though i don't understand else else else do we do oh do you put a t in there say else hey you throw a t in there do i else there's a couple of or else i guess i do i don't know you do i i throw an l in both because it's in there it's just that's just how you say it's just in there yeah i don't say i i say wolf as a joke it's wolf i just say it's wolf as a joke yeah so yeah yeah and his example is polka i say polka i've never said polka polka fuck i don't i guess you do say it wrong i guess i do say it wrong polka i say polka i can't imagine how many times i've said polka polka polka you say it wrong god damn you say it wrong say, I used to know a guy though that couldn't say Dominic's.

He'd say Donna mix. And there was a chain of stores in this area called, going down and called jewel. Dominic's. This is from Aaron and Aaron says, here's an, the idea is called hydraulic despotism. And he's,

and he's talking about the Catholic hospitals. He says, it works like this. Imagine that the big stream that the whole Valley relies on run through is my is called hydraulic despotism and he's and he's talking about uh the catholic hospitals he says it works like this imagine that the big stream that the whole valley relies on run through my runs through my property everyone needs water to survive i let them have it and the community grows because of it hence hydraulic having to do with water later i reveal that i'm a completely greedy jerk and build the dam now they have to play by by my rules if they don't want to die. Hence the despotism. And he says, Catholic hospitals do this.

They build themselves in areas that have no other hospitals. Then they tell people they are free to go to another hospital and enjoy the trip. And that's interesting. And it's, and especially in neighborhoods where that's not an option, right? That's why,

you know, like in certain areas of Chicago, you can't just get on a train somewhere or get on somewhere and go. You know, you got to pay money to do that. You got to pay money to go different places and things like that. And you get stuck with these hospitals in the area.

That's an interesting way to put it. So we got a message. This is from Russell. And Russell says, here's a bumper we can use about gun violence in America. How can you call yourself a Christian? If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today. I love it. We'll save it. That's terrific.

We get a message from Mary. And Mary says, Star Wars is about a guy who loses wife for another man. And it's talking about Darth Weiner. I think that's really funny. It's really true, too. Well, that's really funny. It's really true too. Well, that's going to wrap it up for this episode. We are going to be back next week with another episode from Glory Hole Studios.

But until then, we're going to leave you, like we always do, with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures. Detox. Reflex.

Foot massage. Death in towers. Tarot cards. Psychic healing. Crystal balls. Bigfoot. Yeti. Aliens.

Churches. Mosques and synagogues. Temples. Dragons. Giant worms. Atlantis. Dolphins. Truthers.

Birthers. Witches. Wizards. Vaccine nuts. Shaman healers. Evangelists. Conspiracy. Doubleak stigmata, nonsense.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local Dairy Council. so I go to my car the other night yeah and i walk over my car i'm gonna take sarah to her

her gynecologist whatever yeah her her uh vag cleaning her monthly vag cleaning it's a vaginal power washing they use potato brushes well after you've been there, they've got to. They're just like, no, we're just going to plate this. Can we plate this? Because if we stainless steel it, then we can clean it easier next time. It's a bronze. So anyway, I go to the car.

Yeah. And I walk over and I let Sarah in the car. And then I walk around to the other side. And I go to get my scraper because the car has been out there for like you know i don't drive my car every day i drive my car like once a week yeah and so it's covered it's covered in it's covered in snow yeah and i open the door and as i open the door a rat jumps out of my car wait what out of my out of my engine compartment on you onto the tire and jumps down and then runs into my car fucking burn the car and i jump straight up like it's like i got fucking like i got launched i got launched out of

the fire like i'm the fucking challenger like you could have i could have exploded and a teacher could have died you know it was about the same size as a teacher are you kidding me no so anyway i i i john my mother fucking rat and she's like where was a rat i'm like i think it was in our car and so i walk around the other side and as i walk around either side to scrape the car the goddamn rat runs across fucking again and it's the size of a goddamn poodle it's the biggest rat i've ever seen it looked at me and it was like then it shuffles on off to buffalo unbelievable size of that rat though and it was in my car it was like in the engine compartment i would just piece the car i mean like i would just i would just fucking give it the keys i'm done now sign over the title to mr rat here you go i'm fucking

i'm gone i put it on Craigslist and a rat responded. I don't care. Yeah, exactly. That's why I carry a bucket of gasoline everywhere I go. It's not even for the car. The rat is poured on myself and end my own fucking life. Like, I don't want to live in a world where rats can be in cars. Look, once they become, once they become that mobile, you know, we're the end of the world.

They like pop out. They, like, pop out. They're like, I think you got a problem with your head gasket. Fuck you! What are you doing in there? Here's the thing, too. Like, you don't drive your car. It's not like it was warm in there. No, I know.

It was waiting for you personally. It was. It was like a hit rat. The thing is, like, I wind up telling Sarah the same thing. I said, there's no way that the rat was in here just because I pulled in last night and it just stayed the night and just never left. No, the rat was in there because it's like, hey, that looks like a great place to make a home. Oh, yeah. You're lucky it didn't chew through your engine block.

Those are fucking Chicago rats, man. I was thinking. I was like, Jesus, I'm surprised it didn't eat the tire. Right. It was waiting for you is what it was waiting for. Now I'm not parking anywhere near where the rat was. But it can totally find my car. They have legs.

It'll just hit the panic button. It probably cloned your keys.