Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 273: Verb to Noun

Episode Date: January 25, 2016

   

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Yeah, this is Phil from Southern California. Yeah, I think what that Virginia pastor was talking about when he was talking about bashing in babies' heads, actually there's a procedure over in Southern California where they put you on this metal slab and paint your stomach the color of like a watermelon. And then they have Gallagher come out with a giant mallet and the rest kind of gets pretty dirty. Anyway, Gloria Hill, thanks.

Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat,

although the welcome mats have recently shipped, according to news. So if you've ordered a welcome mat, you should have it shortly. Look for it. It should be. That's exciting. It's really cool, actually.

We have welcome mats. I ordered a welcome mat. We can put it outside of our new studio be. That's exciting. It's really cool, actually. We have welcome ads. I ordered a welcome ad. We can put it outside of our new studio space. Let's put it inside. I think someone's going to steal it. We should put it inside our studio space. They'll totally steal it. This is episode 273 of Cognitive Dissonance, which is creeping up.

We're creeping up to another big number. It's going to happen relatively shortly. 300, it'll be in gosh, what is that? Probably like May? Yeah, man. It's coming to happen relatively shortly. It'll be in, gosh, what is that? Probably like May? Yeah, man. It's coming. What are we going to do for 300? I don't know.

We got to do something. We got to do something great. Podcast shirtless? I think we should do something good instead and not terrible. And not vomit-inducing. The idea of seeing you shirtless is about as appealing as the idea of putting cigarettes out in my own eyes. No, actually, that's a little worse. That's a little worse than that.

It's more scarring. Right, yeah. And I'm so fucking pasty white, I would blind you. Yeah, I wouldn't even see you in this white room. I'm fucking basically translucent. You would wonder where I had gone. I'm the invisible man without a shirt on. You just see my pulmonary artery

under my skin. It's just... Yeah. So this is episode 273. We're just going to go ahead and launch. I don't have anything witty or pithy to say.

You don't ever have anything witty or pithy to say, really. Well, then why do you keep me on the show? Because I can't find anybody else. That's why so many people have used that excuse to keep me around.

Oh, Jesus. Default. Default. Oh, fuck that shit. Upgrade 2016. This story comes from Yahoo. Back of standing boy cuts off his own hand after blaspheming. That is a downgrade, though.

That is. That's a downgrade. This is, you know, and the very first question is, did he automate that? Did he use the chopper offer machine? You know, they actually have like a little slot at the mosque. You could just insert something in whatever you want. You know, at the other churches, they pass around a collection plate. Right.

Here they pass around a platter that you just put your hand on. It's a mini team. Yeah. Like it's just like a guillotine, but just for limbs and appendages. It's very small. You know, this reminds me that, wasn't there a guy not that long ago who cut off both his hands by putting them on a train thing and waited for a train to come by because his hands had offended Allah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he waited for the train to come by, and it chopped off his fucking grabbers? Yeah. Like, yeah. So this guy, this is a 15-year-old boy. Chopped off his grabby wavers. Those are my using hands. Those are my grabby wavers.

I can't use those anymore. I use those for manipulating my environment. Like, oh, well, not anymore, Stumpy. It's a way to go, you jackass. So this kid, so he was at a mosque, and at the mosque, somebody said, like, you know, raise your hand if you've ever blasphemed. And he raised his hand. I love that shit. I think it was raise your hand if you haven't been praying. Yeah, well, I thought it was raise your hand if you're sure. I just, I don't know.

That's much less detrimental to your hand. You got to cut up your armpit, which is really hard to do. Just scrape it like a melon ball around there. It's awesome because the kid is, this poor kid is like, he raises his hand by mistake. They said. Yeah, it was a mistake too. Like hands up. What are we doing? Hands are up. I see hands up. hands up fuck oh i made a terrible mistake i think he just was trying to quell the

crowd that was gonna kill him afterwards so he's like no guys i'm good i'm gonna go home and cut my hand off that's amazing can you imagine like you go home and you're like oh i have to cut off i don't even know how to cut off my own hand i I'm like a chop saw, like a miter saw. What does this guy have? What do you do? How do you cut that fucker off? I'm also surprised that when they say raise your hand there, there isn't just a sea of stumps. Right.

Raise your hand. Oh, my kid. None of you guys have hands. All right. Stumps in the air like you just don't care. I'm going to go home and stump my wife. Every speech is a stump speech. This is amazing. So this fucking kid goes home and he chops his fucking hand off.

And instead of his neighbors being like, bro, bro is a fucking metaphor. Everybody's hailing him as a hero. Right. A hero. I know. I know. And that's the thing, right? bro it was a fucking metaphor everybody's hailing him as a hero right a hero i know i know and that's and that's the thing right it's it's not a story unless the religion is part of it right the religion is part of it it's the one major component that makes him think that it's a good thing to disfigure the only body you'll ever have in In a really tragic way. Yeah, this isn't a bad tattoo. This is your right hand you cut off. Yeah, this isn't a tattoo of a fucking dick

on your ass, right? Where you're gonna be like, oh, you guys, you know, like, Tijuana was fun, right? This is, you're missing your hand. Yeah. Your actual hand. You use that to, like, hold your dick and stuff. Like, that's your hand. Not anymore. Not anymore Not anymore

No He just rested He put it on a platter And chopped that fucker off No like after it was over I think he put it on Oh he put the hand Yeah cause he presented it to the imam at the fucking mosque Like okay so

It's like a weird episode of The Walking Dead You know what I mean? It's like the best episode of Chopped ever He puts it in a basket They open the basket. And then you get this chef looking like, I don't know what I'm going to do with this. I'm just going to make a brioche

pan-purdue. It's every fucking episode. It's every episode. I got to soak this in milk to get the fucking boy flavor out of it. Oh, God. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. oh man cecil good news Good news. Good news.

This is from the Tribune.com, International New York Times. You know, we almost came to a point in Pakistan where a bill had almost passed to ban child marriages. Yeah. But thankfully, that bill was defeated by terrible human beings who like to actually fuck children. The thing is, though, you can tell by the number of pubic hairs the freshness date. Oh, shit! Best if fucked by one, a two, a three! That's so worse.

Can we cancel this show? That's so worse. Can we cancel this show? Daddy likes some clean shaven. It's still good. It's still good. Oh, God. Jeez, I like a clean work surface.

Clean as you go. Oh, God. So the ruling party lawmaker withdrew her proposal following staunch resistance from the fucking Council of fucking Evil Elders or whatever. So they told her that the legislature told the legislature that the law being proposed called Let's Not Fuck Children was not Sharia compliant. Like there has to be like, really? We have to, we have to have a conversation about that. Like,

Hey guys, here's a radical proposal. Maybe we shouldn't fuck kids. Oh, let's, let's run it up. Let's run up the flagpole and see if the fucking bearded monsters at the top will yay or nay this.

And they're just like, does that mean I can't fuck the kids? Yeah. Here's the thing. I like kids eat free Tuesdays. Oh, shit! Oh, my God. They like to buy, if they get them the burka at a young age, they can get them a big

one and they'll grow into it. It's bridal hand-me-downs? Are you kidding? Actually, the reason why they do it. I mean, the reason why they do it is because your dick looks huge. I mean, it looks huge. And I think this is the solution, right? I've always wanted a bigger dick.

I just need smaller women. It doesn't matter the size. It's never going to look huge. I mean, like, I can't even see it past my belly. What am I going to do? Okay, it's mediocre. Right. At very best, you know, it's an infant and it's mediocre.

Put away that shiitake. It's embarrassing to me. A long black cock, long black cock. A long black cock, long black cock. In other horrible news. I can't. Where did this story? This story, I didn't even find this story. You found this fucking story.

What do you want? I have a nose for news. Oh, you did? The story comes from the New York Times. Afghan woman's nose is cut off by her husband. A young woman is hospitalized. Oh, shocking, because she has no fucking nose. After her husband cut off her nose, disfiguring her, of course. A young woman was hospitalized. Oh, shocking, because she has no fucking nose.

After her husband cut off her nose, disfiguring her, of course. And she is in very critical condition. She had lost much blood. She was abused. Her husband beat her, bound her in chains. Okay. And then he evidently decided, fucking off with your nose. Here's why I think this story is important to talk about. Tell me.

The people, they went to the Taliban afterwards, the father and the brother, and they said, is this the Taliban? Is this what we do? Is this what we're doing? And to their credit, they're like, yeah, let's find this guy and make sure we can bring him to justice. Yeah, this is bullshit.

We shouldn't do this. So they went out, like, this guy, I think, clearly indoctrinated all his life that women are worthless. But kudos for a group that's at least going to be like, hey, we should stop this guy and bring him to justice.

So there is kind of a... There's an upside-ish? No, I mean, I don't think bringing somebody to justice is an upside, but it says here, he says, I went to the Taliban. I asked them, is this the Islam we are following? My daughter's nose was chopped off, but you are doing nothing. I want justice.

They got really angry, and now they are searching for the boy. I hope they find him before the police do. Yeah, well, and it says later, it says that the Taliban has already arrested this guy, and he's presently in their custody. He says, we don't know what they plan to do with him, but we will follow the case and bring him to justice. Like, you don't know what they plan to do with him. Nothing good. It's the Taliban.

They're not going to make a, they're not going to throw my cake party. Right? It's not snuggles. It's not snuggles. This story is just so fucking odd, man. It's from ActionNewsJax.com. Action Jackson News. Action Jackson News.

It's from Jacksonville, man. It's a fucking horrible city in Florida that should be razed and burned to the ground. Do they really? They do. They shouldn't even have a city. The Jacksonville Jaguars. That's disgusting. There'sville Jaguars. That's disgusting. There's no Jaguars there.

There might be in the fucking jungles of Jacksonville. Have you been to Jacksonville? I have. I've been to Jacksonville. I went to Jacksonville for a work thing. Jacksonville better or worse than Indiana? Ooh, that is a tough. Well, here's the thing.

I went to a Jacksonville work thing, and I was advised not to leave the hotel. Yeah. I was advised not to go wander around and leave the hotel. I was advised not to go like wander around and leave the hotel. That they would take care of our transportation to and from dinner, which they did, and to and from our corporate campus, which they did, and not to go wander around the neighborhood. What the what? Where do they

put you up? Like the why? No, it was in the Omni, dude. It was in a nice hotel. But I was told like this is not a wandering neighborhood. And the hotel was beautiful, but you just stay in hotel. It's like a hotel in Beirut, right? It's disgusting. It's a filth.

The thing is, it's a fucking garbage city. It's like Houston. It's a garbage city. Fuck you, Houston. I'll never stop hating you. This story is from Jacksonville, Florida. A Westside pastor faced his congregation for the first time since a member and former employee of his church made a confession at a Jacksonville City Council meeting. This guy's basically a fucking child molester.

And he goes back to his church, and he has to have security around him when he goes back to the church because, you know, child molester. And the church is like, yeah, we got a really important speaker today. It's this horrible man monster sitting over here. And they allow him to speak. And then the fucking congregation is like, oh, yeah, totes forgiveness. They cut the cameras off. Yeah, they cut the cameras off ahead of time. You know, here's the thing that is absolutely mind boggling about this.

I'm going to read this paragraph. Roy Bay said he molested boys for years in St. Louis public bathrooms as he was speaking out against the expansion of Jacksonville's human rights ordinance to include the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community. First, you've been using bathrooms with those people forever. Right. That's number one. Right. Number two, you went out of your way to talk about this. I molested people, so you shouldn't allow gay people in the bathrooms.

You had no problem molesting them when there was no ordinance. Children. How does that support your position? It says that he sat at the back of the sanctuary behind the cameras, and that later they announced, they said, you know, we're gonna go ahead and let this guy fucking talk. What do you have to do

to get kicked out of a congregation? Like, seriously, what do you have to do for people to say, look, you're a fucking terrible person, you're a fucking actual child molester. Yeah. There's like, what else? What else is there? These churches keep, we've seen stories like this, story after story, it's like what else what else is there these churches keep we've seen stories like this story after story it's like i stole from the church and i fucked all the kids

that go here anyway back at the church does everybody love me and everybody's like oh forgiveness and that's the problem i have with forgiveness like forgiveness is not a virtue there are some people who we shouldn't forgive it's not like you're like oh man i fell asleep while i was driving and I crashed my car. I crashed my dick right into a kid. Sometimes people fuck up, right? But you didn't fuck up 200 times molesting children. You're a fucking monster.

When you molest a kid, you fuck down. Oh, no. Like everywhere he goes, he should be a fucking pariah. Everywhere that this man shows his fucking horrifying face he should be viewed as the monster that he is we should never forgive this guy the idea that like that's a problem

Christian forgiveness is it's bullshit is that there is no afterlife there is no cosmic justice and that if we forgive him in the here and now all that means is he got away with that shit he gets to do it again because that happens all the time. Where are the repercussions? There's no repercussions and it's a repeat.

They're probably going to repeat. They're going to do it again. When they shuffleboard the priests all over the place, the same thing happens. You get some fucking wackaloon down in fucking Brazil holding some kid's hair. There's literally all we're proving is there's nothing you can do. There's nothing you can do because if fucking children in a goddamn bathroom is not the fucking bar,

if that's not the bar, there's no bar! There's no bar! I would argue that anybody who argues for sodomy, ask them, is there any life in the rectum? Can two women produce life? And the answer, of course, would be no. Then the ultimate goal of life is life. Stories from The Independent, and it's pretty great.

The head of the Russian Orthodox Church blames the rise of ISIS on the godless world's acceptance of homosexuality? This is a complex argument. Wait! It is. It is. Let me tell you, because it really does, it sort of zigs a little bit, but it's a very

complex argument, and we're not giving him credit for it. I want to explain it to you. Please do. Yeah, because it sounded insane to him credit for it. I want to explain it to you. Please do. Yeah, because it sounded insane to me at first glance. He's saying we can have parades for sexual minorities, and that is supported, but a million French Christian protesters, defended

values are broken up by the police, and then he says, if you call a non-traditional relationship a sin, and you are a priest or a pastor, you risk your ability to serve, and you may be sent to prison. And he says, I could offer more simply frightening examples of how godless civilization is growing, yet they are drawing attention to young people being converted by extremists. No, I don't understand that at all. What he's saying is he hates fags.

Oh, I got you. Oh, all right. Yeah. All right. No, I got you. That's what he's saying. Yeah. And I think there's a second part to that, but I kind of lose it in there.

I think the overarching theme, though. Is he hates fags. Yeah, I think that's what it is. See, now that you've elucidated his point in clearer, simpler terms. It's complex. Right? It's really interesting that he goes out of his way to like, aren't they at war with ISIS? Isn't Russia at war with them?

Yes. Right? I don't understand. I totally, I read this article and I did not understand at all. I don't understand at all. He says he supports, he appeared to controversially support ISIS's widely dismissed self-declaration of Islamic caliphate by claiming that many who have flocked to live under the terror group are honest people who did so on truly religious grounds. You become a fighter for the caliphate, so it's a caliphate, he said. It is a society centered around faith and God where people follow religious laws.

where people follow religious laws. Okay, so he's saying that people are joining, that the rise of ISIS is because of a godless world that embraces homosexuality, and yet in the same breath he's saying that he believes that the caliphate is an honest group of people starting a religious organization that also hates homosexuality. That's their tie. I can't do this.

That's their bro-ality where they're like, what's up, bro? We hate gays too, yo. Boom. Fist bump. Terrorist fist jab. And they're the ones who can do it. They're the terrorist fist jabbers. ISIS.

They can do it. Better than anybody. Fucking Russian Orthodox Church is so crazy. We've covered them a number of times he's the guys that bless the fucking missiles remember that he's got a boobie on his head he's got a boobie with a with a cross tassel on it he's totally got a fucking titty on his nugget look at that thing it looks like he's trying to mind meld with putin in this picture and there's like a face there's a face on his face like look at the hat There's a face on his face. Like, look at the hat.

There's a face on his face. I see it. There has got to be a point where you rise to a certain level in any organization. Like, okay. Because, like, when you start in the mail room, they don't care if you wear jeans and a T-shirt, right? And then you move into the business casual world. So there's always a dress code as you move up into the world. And, like, at some point you're wearing a suit and a tie, and you're like,

I find this sort of vaguely uncomfortable, but fine, fine. It's what I have to do. There comes a time when somebody fucking hands you the fucking titty hat, and you're just like, are you fucking kidding me? Don't I have enough power to say I'm not wearing that? Don't I have enough

say in this religion right now to refuse to wear this fucking clown suit you have me put on like i walk around looking like a pert breast like i don't want this at all that's a shout out to you andy elkerton i'm walking around wearing this fucking pert breast hat and at some point you're just like wait a minute nipple tassel head? That's my new job? I'm fucking David Tasselhoff? Really? They love him over there.

Now, the concern, obviously, is if this isn't bottled up in San Francisco, this kind of nonsense, then it's going to be spreading across the entire Fruited Plain, and you're going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa, and you're going to have a rainbow-colored wrapper for your Whopper. So the story is from Right Wing Watch. Rick Scarabro, religious right must prepare war against Satan comedians. This is where commas become important.

The media would lead people to believe that these cases are isolated or they're few and far between. These cases are isolated or they're few and far between. We've actually seen a growing, rapidly growing threat to religious liberty. In fact, it's by design, Tony. They're picking off the low-hanging fruit right now. They're finding people who are susceptible and destroying their livelihood, taking away their businesses. They're being foreclosed on.

Who? Who's doing this? Who's finding susceptible people and is taking away their livelihood, taking away their businesses. They're being foreclosed on. Who? Who's doing this? Who's finding susceptible people is taking away their livelihoods? They. They. Those theys. The thems. Those dirty, filthy they-thems. Literally losing their right to practice their faith in the confines of their business.

The confines. Losing their right to practice their faith in the confines of their business. I thought your right to, I thought your right was in your home, in your house of worship. Not like, I didn't know you necessarily had that in our house of business. You know, the thing is, is like, you can hate gay people all you want. Yeah. But you gotta give them a sandwich. In some places, you gotta give them a sandwich.

Not all places. Some places, you gotta give them a fucking sandwich. Suck it, you've got to give them a sandwich. Not all places. Some places, you've got to give them a fucking sandwich. Suck it up. You can still hate them. Their money's still green. Now, the government would say, and President Obama likely would say, you can have that belief. Just don't let it impact how you do business.

What good is a belief if it doesn't impact your life? That's exactly where I was headed. It's of no value whatsoever. It's good for nothing. Well, okay. Well, then you deserve to go out of fucking business then. If it's going to impact your life, it's going to fucking impact it negatively nowadays.

Right. And that's what they're mad about, right? They're like, you know, we used to live in a world where bigots were free to be bigots. And now, when I fucking bigot my bigot talk, then all of a sudden people are like, ah, bigots! I don't like that. I feel, it makes me feel sad that people recognize me as a fucking hate-filled shithead. And I cry bigot tears.

Right. My fucking big, weepy bigot tears. To be trodden underfoot. We're living in the age where the church is fair game. Satan and the comedians, the media and others take no thought about defaming preachers and defaming the church. Comedians defame shit. That's how you comedians. And some of that falls back on us because Jesus said if the salt loses its saltiness, it's good for nothing.

If salt loses its saltiness, it's not salt anymore. It's like, how could salt lose its saltiness, it's not salt anymore. It's like... How could salt lose its saltiness? It doesn't even work. It's... It's... Fuck it. It's salt.

It's a rock. The fact that there's such liberty now to take aim at the church reveals that we've for far too long been complacent. We don't want to offend anybody. We don't want to hurt their feelings. Wait, what? Wait, what? The church is constantly offending people.

No, no, no. What you're saying is you're saying the exact fucking opposite, man. You're saying you've been complacent and we don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. What the fuck, dude? You want to hurt feelings? You want fucking people not to get served in your fucking, in your bakeries? It's exactly,

it's like we don't want to hurt their feelings. What we do want to do, though, is deny them goods and services and essential human rights. And then if they feel hurt about that, I don't know. That's just we don't want to hurt their feelings. What we do want to do, though, is deny them goods and services and essential human rights. And then if they feel hurt about that, I don't know, that's just kind of on them. We've acquiesced, and now Satan, like a roaring lion, is coming after the Church. Thank God, tomorrow we'll be discussing some of the heroes, the Benham brothers and others that are standing firm and standing strong. What we've got to find is the army of faith that will stand up to this tyranny

and begin pushing back, taking back the ground that's been lost. You're never going to find it because it's a bunch of fucking old, irrelevant white men. Nobody else cares. Anybody under the age of fucking 50 could give a shit where everybody's dick goes right like i could get that's the thing that's the whole thing about homosexuality it's like why do i care what you do with your dick you are one of my closest friends i don't want to know anything about your dick at all nothing right like nobody wants to know about my dick where it goes last week right that's it i can't even hear you i was offended by it so i chopped it off and put it

in the chop ropper machine. Yeah, they have a little glory hole at the mosque you can put things in and they just... It's the fucking worst glory hole ever.

It's a fucking one-time use, right? It's just like... That wasn't a disposable penis. Well, it is now. You're all sick! Oh, be nice.

Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay! Oh, be nice! Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay! Oh, my God, what's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. Everybody dance now! This is a story also from Right Wing Watch. This is Franklin Graham warns Christians to keep gays away from their kids and churches.

Let's hear it. We have allowed the enemy to come into our churches. I was talking to some Christians and they were talking about how they have invited these gay children to come into their home and to come to the church and that they were wanting to influence them. And I thought to myself, they're not going to influence those kids. Those kids are going to influence

those parents' children. What the what? I don't understand that, really. The kids? So if we let gay kids come to church, the gay kids are going to make the other kids gay? They aren't gay at the church?

Is that? Yeah. Am I understanding this right? You got to get the antibacterial soap. Oh, I see. Because if you don't, you get cooties. Yeah, you get gay cooties. Yeah.

I fucking hate the gay cooties. I hate it, too, because, you know, you're just like, man, I want to go out to a bar and pick up a girl. And you go home, you got a dick in your mouth. I know. It's like the worst. For like 10 days, you're just like, oh, I want to go out to a bar and pick up a girl. And you go home, you've got a dick in your mouth. It's like the worst. For like 10 days, you're just like, oh, just all this dick. I don't even like dick. Just keep giving it to me.

Jesus. And what happens is we think that we can fight by smiling and being real nice and loving. We have to understand who the enemy is and what he wants to devour our homes. He wants to devour this nation. He wants to devour it. He wants to swallow every last drop of your home. He wants to pull it deep into the fucking back of his fucking throat. Are you kidding me?

No gag reflex on that at all. Oh, Jesus. And we have to be so careful who we let our kids hang out with. We have to be so careful who we let into the churches. What? We wouldn't want gays to be saved, right? Because in this worldview, salvation is

the goal of life, right? You're born, you're a shithead. That's how it works. You're like, oh, what a beautiful baby. No, it's a shithead. And it'll spend its whole life trying not to be a shithead. Like, that's how it works. Like, you're like, oh, what a beautiful baby. No, it's a shithead. And it'll spend its whole life trying not to be a shithead from the moment it's born. If it dies, if we don't sprinkle fucking magic water on it, it goes and burns in hell forever.

So the whole goal of your life is to stop being a fucking magical shithead so that you can die later and go to heaven. That's the entire goal of life in this worldview. You want to make sure you don't offer that gift of fucking fake salvation to kids who put dicks in their mouths. I saw Rubio said it was free gift last week. It was a free

gift. But is it only a free gift if you're giving a little to the Lord? It's like he's pimping you out and you've got to give a little something to him. A little something back, right? And you have immoral people that get into churches, and it begins to affect the others in the church. What, they're immoral?

Just make them moral. Isn't that what you do? The church's influence, if it's real and it's honest and it was actually true and it was the inerrant word of an omniscient, omnipotent being, wouldn't that influence be greater than the influence of some fucking 12-year-old kid who's like, I think I like

boys. Like, really? That's it? Exactly. That's it? And it is dangerous. So I'm going to encourage the church to take a stand for Christ. To be the church. To be the church, to take a stand for righteousness. And homosexuality is, we have allowed into our schools. That's why I want to get the school boards back.

Homosexuality is taught to be okay in our universities. Universities don't have a fucking school board you can join. They're universities. It's not taught that it's okay. They just don't talk about it. They're just not it's like ah whatever okay you want to do it great you don't want to do it great there's no set of arguments that anybody is going to make where i'm going to be like you know maybe i am gay actually where you're just gonna be like oh man i i we talked about this like a hundred times there's nothing there's no argument there's no

set of words in the right order you're going to string together that's going to make me be like, all right, yeah, you got me sticking to my ass. That's not going to happen. Nobody's going to wear you down. Fine. In the butt. And you have all these diversity classes and all these nice

names that they come up with promoting and pushing homosexuality. Listen, I'm not here to bash gays. I don't want to do that. We do that after the show. That's afterwards. If you know any gays, can you bring them out back for us? And God does love them.

And I have people ask me, can a gay person go to heaven? Absolutely sure. But not with a dick in his mouth. Hey-oh! But that gay person is going to have to repent of their sins and turn from their sins. Leave their sins and they have

to believe on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and trust him as their savior. They got to pinky swear? What the fuck? You have to pinky swear and not ever want the cock again. Right. What you got to do is you got to just close your eyes and reluctantly fuck women. That's what you got to do.

Or if you're a woman, you got to be like, oh, go ahead and put it in. I'm really uncomfortable with it. Go ahead. And they have to be willing to follow him as their Lord. But you cannot stay gay and continue and call yourself a Christian. It's basically said there's not a single Christian gay person out there. Yeah, right. Not a single one.

That's it. So all the ones that go to mass in Boys Town. They're not actually Christian. No, or they're not gay. Right. One or the other. Huh? Huh?

So what if you are, and I actually am curious, like, what if you are attracted to the same sex, but you just don't act on it? You're just celibate. Like, you know, a priest. Like, so. Yeah, those, they're all celibate. Right. That's true yeah

they never touch they never touch anybody anybody but yeah i mean like then are you still i would argue that you're still gay right like my my sexuality doesn't change just because i'm not getting laid right like it's not like i was it's like oh man are you having sex with anybody no i don't even know if i'm gay or straight wait that's not a thing. Right, right. You're still gay or straight regardless of where your penis happens to live tonight. The fact that you're getting laid or not getting laid

or whatever in between has no effect on your sexuality whatsoever. And we've heard these. These guys are like, yeah, well, you can be gay, but then you just can't act on it. Then gay isn't the problem. Then being gay is not, and it never fucking was the problem.

It's where my dick goes. Yeah, and the other, yeah, exactly. It's where my dick goes. Because don't they have a big saying about how, like, you're lustful if you're lustful for a woman you're sinning or something? Didn't Jesus say something? Yeah, isn't it like lusting for a woman is adultery, right? It's like the same thing as adultery.

Oh, man, am I an adulterer? If that's the case, then, you know, if you're lusting after the dick, even if you're not going after it and you're a dude, isn't that the same thing as committing it? Pick up your fucking mind, man.

You can't do it. So we have allowed sin to come into our churches. That was a great place. Perfect. That was great. Perfect. Come into our churches. That was a great place. Perfect. That was great. Perfect. Come into our churches. Okay.

And if the church doesn't repent, that's why we need to repent of our sins as the body of Christ. The thing about the body of Christ is there's a lot of fuckable holes. You know what I mean? There's a lot of fuckable holes. It's the best hand job ever. Best one ever. You can fucking press those things together and get some fucking deep penetration on those fuckers.

This is terrible. And if you got a foot fetish, if you got a foot fetish, it's fucking all day your style. One guy in each appendage. Jesus could accommodate a five-some. It's his own gangbang. Right there.

Way to go, Jesus. Take one for the team. Literally take the team. Take the whole team. Not take one for the team. Take the whole team, Jesus. You can take a whole hockey team. He's got the hole in the side too, like from the spear. They could even bring the hockey stick and stick it in there. Shit. Literally. Jesus.

And then maybe at that point, Dr. Dobson, if we can do that, if we will do that, maybe God will hear from heaven. You know, it's a whole lot broader than just the gay agenda. Oh, I know. L-G-B-T. People understand when they're saying, well, you know, if people who have this inclination want to fall in love and want to express this in the form of marriage and so on. L G B T. You know what the B stands for? Bisexual. That's orgies.

I love this guy. That's amazing. That's orgies. It's like your grandma picking up your texts and reading them and being like, Are you smoking the Reapers? That's orgies. That's orgies. That's amazing. Bisexual is orgies?

God, that's awesome. That's terrific. It's like Porky's. Who listens to these people? It's like such an out-of-touch guy from Porky's. That's awesome it's like fucking it's like porkies it's i mean it's like it's like such an out of touch guy from porkies like that's what it is right it's like beulah ball breakers on stage so that's that's orgies that was terrific saving that and he's saying it too like it's a bad thing like it's like because you know the fucking half the crowd's like i perked up when you said orgies like everyone's sleepy like uh he's on his anti-gay rant.

That's orgies. Wait, we're doing what now? Wait. That's good because I've always wanted to fuck Bob's wife. It says love thy neighbor. And my fucking neighbor is hot. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts.

If you want to contact them directly, send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com, or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Do you want to support the show? Go to patreon.com. That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n.com forward slash dissonance pod. Or click the link on the podcast homepage, and you can donate to the production of Cognitive

Dissonance on a per episode basis. If you can't spare any money, take a second to give us a five star review on iTunes or Stitcher, or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. All right, this is also from Right Wing Watch. Brian Fisher rips Nikki Haley for embracing sodomy-based marriage and the entire homosexual agenda. Well, let's hear the fucking silver-haired fox. Who's Nikki Haley?

Nikki Haley gave the State of the Union Republican response. Okay. Then she said that we would respect, if we were in office, we would respect differences in modern families if we were in control. They have to say that now because Indianapolis, asshole. Right. And because, like, let's face it, it's fucking 2016, and families are not this, like, you know, mom, dad, two kids, picket fence, dog and a cat situation.

Like, fucking like nobody I know has that. Like, fucking literally nobody I know has that anymore. We would respect differences in modern families. What does she mean by that? She means by that the Republican Party has officially embraced sodomy-based marriage. That's what that means. It's not sodomy-based. It's just...

That's like a bonus. Right. Yeah. Nobody's basing their marriage on sodomy. That's weird. It's like a fringe benefit. It's like... I mean, it's not sodomy-based.

It's just sodomy sometimes. Sodomy is when you're in the mood. Right. You can't base a whole relationship on that. Sometimes you have to cuddle and then have sodomy. Honey, I'm coming home. Have the sodomy ready when I get home. Can you be wearing your little tight outfit and the sodomy?

Hey, I'll be home at six. Get the butt plug in by four. I want to make sure that you're... No, I want the one that looks like a little jewel. I like to look at it when I fuck you. I don't want to spend a lot of time getting you ready. You know what I mean? Oh, God. Can you sort of just

sort of get that whole thing ready and flowing before I come home? Yeah, like have like two or three orgasms because I'm not going to bother. I'm not going to work that out. Look, I expect to come home. You should be fucking enema clean, all right? Let's get this fucking thing done. The Republican Party has officially embraced sodomy-based marriage

and the entire homosexual agenda. We would respect differences in modern families, but we would insist on respect for religious liberty as a cornerstone of our democracy so you parse that Nikki Haley again she's the mouthpiece she's the lackey for the republican establishment here we're not going to invest one ounce of energy as a party as a ruling class republicans we're not going to invest one ounce of energy in fighting to protect natural marriage we're not going to invest one ounce of energy. It's a losing battle, you stupid

fuck. You lost. The Supreme Court was like, totes lost. You lost. Magoats, bitch. You lost that shit. Who the fuck wants to rearrange the deck chairs in the Titanic for that fucking thing? I mean, you just got to recognize

at this point. You fought super fucking hard, state by state by state. You fought, you just got to recognize at this point. You fought super fucking hard, state by state by state. You fought. You lost state after state after state after state. It finally went to the fucking Supreme Court. You lost at the Supreme Court. That fucking ship has sailed, man. It's gone, bro.

People are going to do what they want with their genitals. Super gone. To try to preserve the right of children to be raised by a mom and a dad. To try to preserve the right of children to be raised by a mom and a dad. We know from the research it's a form of child abuse for a child to be raised in a same-sex household. It is a form of child abuse. What? It is not at all.

The research literally says the opposite thing of that. The only thing I could imagine a child abuse offense would be is being raised by Brian Fisher. Oh, God, don't talk like that. All of the best in social research confirms that. And here's Nikki Haley saying, we're not going to fight for those children. We're not going to fight for the children. Because I said it. It's true.

Because I said it, guys. I cited it. Hey, guys. That are subjected to a form of child abuse by being raised in a same-sex household. We're not going to fight on that. We're not going to fight for those children. We're done on that issue. They should be

raised in a fucking group home like every other fucking throwaway kid. I know, right? Because these are not kids conceived by and large by sort of quote-unquote natural procreation, right? Two dudes, not going to naturally procreate and have

a kid. So where do they get the kid? They fucking adopt it. So just let the fucking state raise it. And that's better? That's not child abuse? Like, I'll sleep under a bunk. Like, okay, great. That's awesome. Yeah.

I eat a meal a week. Awesome. That's fucking terrific. Yeah. I would like for Christmas an apple. Okay. Awesome. Yeah, that's not child abuse at all.

I eat a meal a week, and sometimes I can go to the connoisseur. I pee in a bucket. Okay. All right. All we're hoping for is some shred of religious liberty. You know, it's like the parable that Jesus told. Remember the Syrophoenician woman? She said, yeah.

Oh, who doesn't? Oh, the Syrophoenician woman. Oh, that's a great story. That's a belly grabber that one i love that one oh man i tell that one of my in-laws all the time the seraphim woman i'll tell you what that's two seraphim women walking into a bar you know the third one ducked the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from the master's table. What do the women eat? The Seraphim. Oh, okay. And it's like Nikki Haley saying, we are just hoping, pleading with President Obama

for just a few crumbs of religious liberty. We're not expecting to protect or preserve natural marriage. We're not even interested in fighting for that. Do these guys protest when monkeys are having a gay episode at a zoo? Do these people get their pickets out and be like, we don't want any gay monkeys, kill these monkeys? No, because what they do is they deny the fact that homosexuality is endemic across multi-species. They don't even look at that.

They just think it's some weird social thing where somebody was like, hey man, you want to try the reefers and gay sex? Like they just think it's like like it's like it's like somebody's like having sex with the wrong like like like in their mind, the wrong gender as as like a rebellious thing. It's like getting a fucking mohawk. It's like, you know, it's like, oh, I got fucking I pierced my ears with fucking safety pin and then, you know, suck the dick. Like that's not what happens if you get blown by a dick. Like, that's not what happens. If you get blown by a dude, it's just a low hawk. If you don't like it, it's a faux hawk.

We're not going to fight for kids to have the right to be raised by a mom and a dad. We've surrendered all of that. We have capitulated on all of that. We've run up the white flag. Now all we're hoping for, begging for, is just a few pieces, a few crumbs that fall from the master's table. I hate that guy. I just really hate that guy. Well, you know, what he's saying is we're a one-issue party.

Right. We're a one-issue party. I don't give a fuck about anything else. But if you dare take one step back and recognize that there's nothing, there's no political capital to be gained in this particular route. If you take a step back and do that, I'm going to demonize you on my program of 100,000 jagoffs who listen to me or whatever, whoever. I don't know how many people. I hope it's not 100,000 people that listen to that fucking guy. I was looking this week.

You know, we get on occasion, we'll get messages. People will post shit on our Facebook page. And they'll be like, stop making these people famous or stop talking about this. Pat Robertson has a million viewers. Fuck you. How about that? They report that all the time. They report a million.

I don't know how many they have. I read it on a wiki. They said that he has a million viewers. I don't know if it's true or not, but that's what he says. Even if he has half of that. No. Right? No. That's a lot of the country, man. That's a lot of people.

That's a lot of people. That's like all of Iowa. That's fucking, that's not just gross. That's Indiana gross. I know. But here's the thing. We're not making these people famous. They're already famous. We're just pointing out the arguments and their shittiness so that everybody else can look at this

and be like, Those are monsters. This is what's happening. People are actually saying this. We get messages all the time. People are like, that can't be real. Yeah, I know, right? And you fucking hear it.

Yeah. That's the thing. We aren't making these people famous. We're just finding them because they're already famous. Exactly. It's not like we're spending hours and hours and hours digging on some obscure news. We're we're we're spending 10 minutes and looking at Reddit and we're getting all of our stories. Every single story. Well, it's six minutes and looking at Reddit.

But seriously, we're not. It's not like we're digging deep and being like, oh, let's do some investigative. They're already famous. They're already fucking. They're already part of front page news on our Facebook feeds and on our news feeds. They're already there. We're not making them famous. We can't make, we can't make ourselves famous.

How can I increase the fame of somebody whose audience share is fucking 30 times our audience share? It seems such a shame that George, for all his brains, could never accept the fact of God having any part in the universe. I'm so thankful that neither of you ever got to questioning things the way he did. This story comes from RT.com. Baptism of fire. Animals run religious

gauntlet to worship saint. This is super, super bizarre. In Mexico, Spain, and the Philippines, there's a feast day celebrating Anthony the Abbot. And evidently, you bring your dog and your cat and your rabbit, your iguana and your fucking marmoset and whatever to church, and they fucking sprinkle holy water on your animals, even though the official position of the Catholic Church, if I'm not mistaken, is that animals don't have any souls.

So they save the animal from, I don't know, because they're basically vegetables in the Catholic Church. They have no souls, so what are they? But the best part, and the only part that's amazing, is they have a part of the ceremony where they take horses

and ride them through bonfires. And they have to do it every year that's like their yearly horse maintenance they have to do it every year at 30,000 miles yeah 30,000 miles on a horse that thing's dead i don't know how to horse i have no idea it says here it says bianca a 54 year decorator, wasted... I'm sorry. I said wasted, but I said it's waited. Wasted. Well, that tells you exactly how I feel about this. Waited for a half an hour for her turn

for her Labrador Retriever to be blessed by a priest. I wouldn't wait a half an hour for Space Mountain. Are you kidding me? You're waiting there so some guy could make your dog wet. Dude, I... You're making your dog wet. That's it.

I wouldn't wait a half an hour for my fucking wife to get wet. It says here, it says, other participants featured a rabbit, a white dove, and an iguana in a shoebox. And it's funny because... An iguana in a shoebox? Well, that's the names of all the bands in this building. We are iguana in a shoebox.

That's amazing. It says that this fucking crazy day it dates back 500 years and it's based on the belief that jumping horses through huge flames and clouds of smoke purifies them and prepares them for the year ahead it prepares them to be burnt by fire i love that the horse is like man i can't wait for this week i totally need to be burnt by fire. I love that the horse is like, man, I can't wait for this week. I totally need to be prepared for the year ahead. You eat oats and sit in a field all day. What do you have to prepare for? You don't do anything. You get ridden once

in a while and you walk around a field and you eat a bag of oats and you shit everywhere. You don't need to prepare for anything. You're a fucking horse. What do you have to purify it for? Is it having impure horse thoughts? Is it just like, man, I'm a horse.

What kind of crazy purification is required? Can you imagine the horse? The horse has no idea. The horse is just like, hey, hey, hey, buddy. So good to see you. Are we going for a ride? Fuck! Fire! Fuck! Fire! Fuck! And then you ride that thing through an actual fire.

Oh, that's amazing. 500 years we haven't figured out this is a fucking retarded and mean thing to do. I hope that everybody who rides through there gets bitten on the leg by their horse. Like after they're done, just bites them, like really smarts them right on the leg. It would be awesome if they Christopher Reeved all these people right onto the bonfire. Right onto the bonfire. I like that we used Christopher Reeved as these people right onto the bonfire. Right onto the bonfire. I like that we used Christopher Reeved as a verb. That's great.

Because he can't verb anymore. So, you know. Even before he died, he wasn't able to verb. All the verb was knocked right out of him. Jesus. He done leaked out

his verb. When you become paralyzed, you go from verb to noun. You're not an action word anymore. Cancel the show. Such a dick. I know, right? I'm uncomfortable. You want answers?

I think I'm entitled. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. This story also comes from The Independent. This is a terrific story. Women putting herb balls in vagina to detox their wounds have been warned of dangers. This is terrific.

They're putting herb balls in there. You know, I've tried to put my balls in there. Come on. You know, I try to get two inches in. That's what I'm working on. That's fair. You know, try to get. They have to be.

What woman has to be warned of the dangers of sticking the fucking Colonel's fucking secret blend of herbs and spices up the fucking hoo-ha. Right? You're just like, do you see the picture of this thing? Oh, I know. It's a fucking, like, this is a bouquet garnier. That's what that is. It's a fucking cheese plug.

Exactly. A fucking rosemary. You can make a stock with that. It's like, God, what is going on in here? It's awesome. Yeah. Maybe they're just seduced by the package design of Laid Plugins. Laid Plugins is great.

Yeah, so evidently there's this company, Embrace Pangea is what it's called. Embrace Pangea. What does it even mean? Pangea, the time when all the continents were one? How am I supposed to embrace that? You have to embrace that, yeah. Embrace, oh man. Earlier I was rejecting Pangea, the time when all the continents were one? How am I supposed to embrace that? You have to embrace that, yeah. Embrace, oh man. Earlier, I was rejecting Pangea?

What does it even fucking mean, embrace Pangea? Oh man, let's go back to a simpler time. You know, when all the continents were fused and there were dinosaurs? Like, what are you talking about? Embrace Pangea, fucking stupid name for a company. They're selling herbal womb detox pearls, claiming that the products aid to correct conditions

such as endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and thrush. And I would say that if you have those conditions, sticking fucking rosemary in stage. You have a thrush in your bush? Wait a minute. Wait a second. They go bird watching down there. What's going on?

It's womb deodorizing. You've got a red-bellied warbler in that thing. You can tell it's spring because there's the first robin. It's nice and red, though. It's funny. That Embrace Pangea was one of the companies, but then there was another company. Arm & Hammer took over for a little while. But for the bigger vaginas, they used fist Arm & Hammer,

and that was for the larger sort of girthy vaginas. Girthy vagina! That's great. What a description. Oh, don't worry, honey. It's just a little girthy. This part is funny, though. It says, another package claims to promote vaginal tightening, which it says works by tightening the womb so the vaginal canal will shrink.

That's not tightening anything. That's called an infection. I know, right? I'm not getting up to the womb anyway. Are you kidding me? You gotta work. That's all I'm saying. I feel like you need a written invitation if you're going up that far.

You're like a vampire. You'll only go in any womb you've been invited to. I'm not trying to crawl inside you like a tauntaun. Are you kidding me? I thought they smelled bad on the outside. It's the worst. Well, they did, but then I stuck these fucking herbs and spices in there. Oh, gosh. It's like, did somebody leave the crotch pot on?

What's going on? You make a nice demi-glace that way, that's for sure. It helps lubricate everything. It's got a great mouthfeel. It's like if you add these things to those steamers, like the steamer baskets for the crotch. Remember we covered those while Gwyneth Paltrow was like, hey, you should totally steam your vag.

It's a fucking rice cooker in there. You press it out. It's a nice flat. You're like, wow, you used to have kind of big lips and now it's completely pressed out. It's like I sent you to the cleaners. The whole thing's like silly putty. I can reshape it any way I want. You're like a seven-year-old girl.

I feel like a Muslim. Oh, shit. So we got a great group of people who joined up on Patreon this time. And you're going to be getting a special episode pretty soon. We're going to be releasing a special Patreon-only episode probably within the next couple weeks. We're going to be recording a special episode just for Patreon members because we just want to thank you guys for the groundswell support recently. I'm going to read off our recent patrons. We would like to thank Andy, Bronson and Denise, Joe, Tim, Jessica,

Brent, Lonnie, Carolyn, Christopher, Tom, Ashley, gape that ass. God, what have we become? That's amazing. Taylor, Matt, Chris, Michael,on or apathetic moron. It works on so many levels. Liam, Ashley, and David, thank you very much for your generous donations. You are the reason that Glory Hole Studios exists. You're the reason that the show keeps on going.

You're the reason why we have a studio, you're the reason why we do it every week. We're happy that people are excited to get the show, and we just can't thank you enough. We did get some PayPal donations as well, Tom. We did. We got PayPal donations from Scott, Andrew, and Peter. You guys, thank you so much.

PayPal, of course, being another option for you to contribute to the show. I did want to mention, too, that Peter wanted us to say hi to Sean, who was the person who introduced him to the podcast. We're grateful for any contributions. As Cecil mentioned, if we didn't have the PayPal, if we didn't have the Patreon, we would not have the production schedule that we have. We wouldn't have

the options that we have. So as our lives continue to change, to be perfectly blunt, the financial flexibility helps us to be flexible with getting this show done. And we've used that. It is the reason that there has not been an interruption in the production cycle of this show. So thank you guys, truly.

We're kind of curious, who's going to the Reason Rally? So if you're going to the Reason Rally, or if you know of people who are going to the Reason Rally, send us a message. We're not sure. We don't think we're going to go. We're kind of really on the fence. And by on the fence, I mean kind of on the other side of the fence. Yeah, I'm not probably going.

But we are curious to see who's going. And if you are going or if you're thinking about going, let us know. We just kind of want to gauge our audience and see where we're at on that. And if you went to the first one, I'm curious about your thoughts. Was it a good time? What was it like? Is it worth going back to? Yeah. You know, I mean, let us, let us know. Cause if it's, if it's super awesome, maybe I'll send Cecil. We got a letter from Terrence and Terrence sent a message. It's a long letter, but we just want to say, Terrence, we got your message. Thanks for listening. We're glad you listened. Tom, we got a message from Brent and Brent tells us a story about some really horrific vasectomy times i want to tell a quick story about

my vasectomy though um before he gets going here uh i was getting my vasectomy there i am on the table they gave me the local and i am really nervous uh and so i'm just sort of just waiting they gave me a valium two and then the local and i was it was super unpleasant i'm just waiting he comes in starts cutting away you know you're not seeing it you're sort of just laying back and just like thinking about sports or whatever and then uh and then at one point i hear this buzzing sound it sounds like a cauterizer or something and i get this feeling when he lights this thing was it that loving feeling it was, imagine if you're standing there with your legs kind of partially open and someone runs across the room and kicks you as hard as they can in the balls. That's what it felt like.

I would prefer not to imagine that. That was super unpleasant. So I shrieked, of course. Right. Like you do. Like you do. And so I was like, that's like unpleasant. Please don't do that.

And he said, you'll be fine. And I was like, you need to not do that. And he said, ah, you'll be fine. And I was like, you need to not do that. I was like, do something else. Perform a different surgery. Don't make a pizza. Whatever it is you need to do, just don't do that anymore. And so he gave me some more local and he did it. And then when I left that day, I remember the ride home, Sarah drove me home and I was in the backseat and we were driving down Cicero Avenue and this is in Cicero, right right so it's not in a good area of i mean it's not an awful area but it's not a it's not a well kept up area sure yeah and the whole time there's every

fucking pothole in the road right and i'm hitting every pothole and i'm just like oh god oh god oh god it took me 20 minutes to walk inside to get my prescription. Holy shit. It took me 20 minutes. We parked right close by. It took me 20 minutes to walk inside. It hurt that bad. I sat down on the fucking bench to wait for my prescription, and I passed out from the pain.

Are you serious, man? They gave me – I popped the – and they only gave me one. What did they give you? Vicodin? It was like Vicodin or something. I popped a couple of those, and I went whole. It was the worst. It was absolutely horrifying.

Dude, your experience was vastly worse than mine, and mine was no walking the park. It's not a good surgery. It's terribly unpleasant. Fucking zero out of ten would not vasectomy again. Zero stars on the vasectomy. I'm going to leave this shitty Yelp review. I'm going for all of them to leave a bad Yelp review. He cleaned. Fuck with my

mastectomy. He kept that piece. So anyway, Brett sent a message. He said, the doctor gives me the local and I tell him I'm going to need more for it to set because I tend to respond slowly to anesthetics. He didn't listen. After a short time, he comes in and starts to cut. I tell him I can feel things a bit.

He says, that's just the skin around where he's cutting and that i'm fine then he starts digging for the vas devrons and i lift it off the table with a scream more pain than i've ever felt at any point in my life the doctor says oh you're a bit sensitive he keeps cutting because everything's open now and the nurse is injecting more anesthetic as the doctor goes. I'm pretty sure I looked like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart, only I was shouting, fuck you! The doctor finished the procedure, and I managed to not pass out during it, but the local never did kick in all the way. I'm pretty sure the PTSD has never gone away,

but at least there are no more kids. My God. That's not an ideal situation. I'm going to send you a purple heart. A purple nut. A fucking purple head? A purple nut. A fucking purple head. A purple nut. A purple mushroom.

We got a message. This is from Matt. And Matt says, I got a Futurama clip for you. So I'm going to play the Futurama clip. So this land is real? Oh, dreadfully real. If you die here, you'll really be dead. But instead of science, we believe in crazy hocus pocus.

It's like Kansas. God help us. Oh, Jesus. That's awesome. We got a message. This is amazing. This is from Quincy. And Quincy was like, hey, just so you know, I'm catching up on some back episodes. And he heard our episode with Eli. I think it

was the extra episode. Yeah, it was the bonus one. It was the bonus episode. Where we mentioned dead amy winehouse costume and he just wanted to share a photo with us of in 2007 someone participated in a zombie walk someone showed up as a zombie amy winehouse after she had just died that is amazingly distasteful and i love it. She had just died that morning. That actual morning. To be that rude that fast, it usually takes me a little more time to get my vulgarity on.

That is amazing. That's terrific. It is amazing and hilarious. And that's the thing, right? That's one of those major things that we're talking about. It's like, what are you going to tell people they can't do that? Yeah, sure, it's distasteful, but it's funny funny it's fine like if you don't like it it's a zombie walk what were you fucking amy winehouse's brother shut the fuck up you didn't know her we

got a message uh from uh mike and mike says glory hole this is mike from tampa i just uh i was watching a great movie called Bitch Slap when this came on the screen. And this movie has Kevin Sorbo in it. I'm going to make this the pick for this episode. It's got Kevin Sorbo in it and he's got a gun and he's standing out front of a place called the Glory Hole Casino.

That's amazing. That is not the first time Kevin Sorbo has visited a Glory Hole. Oh, and it won't be the last. This is funny. We got a message from Casey and Casey says she's a Texas listener, and she normally listens and has the app off when she goes in places and whatnot. Today,

my kid's doctor appointment, I was signing them out of the school office when all of a sudden I hear, nothing but death comes from the rectum! I think that's kind of amazing. That's terrific. I love it when people's phones malfunction and we start playing. That's our entire listenership.

The worst. It's the only way anybody's ever listened to us. We got, Lorne has sent us in, Lorne's from Canada, and he sent us in the teen story, the one where he cut off his hand, the Pakistani cut off his hand store. And he does a little breakdown of it, but my favorite part is at the end, he says, Glory Hole, Lauren from Canada, where our whiskey is only marginally

better than the toxic poison tap water in Flint, Michigan. That is great. In one sentence, he insults all of Canada and all of the United States. I think it's great. It's very, very well done. Nicely crafted. I mean, like, almost all of North America in a single sentence. It's terrific. It's very, very well done. Nicely crafted. I mean, like, almost all of North America

in a single sentence. Fucking bravo. We got another picture. I'm going to put this in. It's so gnarly, man. I'm going to put this in the show notes. I can't even look at this.

It's a guy with a beard, and his beard is shaped as a bowl, and he's eating ramen noodles out of it with chopsticks. It's so disgusting. Ramen noodles have so much sodium oh yeah god all right so tom you're gonna read all of this this is so fucking funny so this was sent to us by a listener um this is sent to us by christina christina sent us a link to uh scary mommy.com. This is the 10 Little Monkeys parody. Bear with me. It's hilarious.

10 little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Mama asked the mom group, and the mom group said, Have you tried essential oils? I hear hyperactivity is a vaccine injury. I'm calling CPS. I love it. Have you tried essential oils?

Nine little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Mama asked the mom group, and the mom group said, Have you thought about cutting out sugar and gluten? Because my little angel is pure perfection since we have. And also, our discussions of the rules really set boundaries for him, even though he's only two. Oh, mom groups.

Eight little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Mama asked the mom group, and the mom group said, First of all, what were you doing when they were jumping on the bed? One fell off and bumped his head. Mama asked the mom group, and the mom group said, First of all, what were you doing when they were jumping on the bed? You should have stopped that before it happened. But if you must leave them alone to attend to your bathroom needs, at least install a bed guard rail and pad your floors. Here, I know a good site.

Seven little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and broke his head. Mama asked the mom group, and mom group said, You obviously didn't nurse him long enough. My snowflake is immune to jumping Thanks to extended breastfeeding Nine years and counting Six little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head Mama asked the mom group and the mom group said Was he wearing his Baltic amber necklace? He wouldn't be in so much pain if he was wearing rocks With mystical properties That's outstanding Five little monkeys jumping in the bed one fell off and bumped his head mama asked the mom group and mom group said i'm only two weeks in and so far i've managed to get enough sleep cook decent

meals for my family keep my apartment clean and my newborn hasn't fallen off the bed i think too many people are mistaking laziness for normal parenthood ordeals fucking judgy judgy judgy, judgy, judgy. Four little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Mama asked the mom group, and mom group said, I've used three cloth diapers and an original baby Bjorn used with all seven of my home birth children for sale. $75 each or $1,000 for the lot.

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head Mama asked the mom group and the mom group said If you didn't abandon your precious little one every day To work in a corporate environment while he's raised in a daycare Like a child raised by wolves He wouldn't feel the need to jump for your attention Oh my god

Two little monkeys jumping on the bed One fell off and bumped his head Mama asked the mom group and the mom group said Are you sure they're not injured? Did you check their pupils? Have you considered getting a CAT scan? Are the teeth okay? Headaches?

Changes in sleep patterns? Appetite? I would just die if I missed a serious underlying energy from my little injury, from my little snowflake. One little monkey jumped out of the bed. He fell off and bumped his head. Mama called the mom group, and the mom group said, Is your monkey very stiff?

We've been sending little Archer to baby yoga and baby chiropractic since he was two weeks old, and now he's so limber and loose, he just rolls down when he falls down like weak old falafel. That is outstanding. I loved every single piece of that. It's awesome. So funny. So true.

Amazingly accurate. Oh, God. So we have an uncomfortable email we've got to talk about here. I'm going to read it. I'm just going to read it. I don't know what else to do. Hey true. Amazingly accurate. Oh, God. So we have an uncomfortable email we got to talk about here. I'm going to read it. I'm just going to read it. Go. I don't know what else to do. Hey, Tom and Cecil.

I'm a 13-year-old kid living in New York, and I'm a big fan of this show. I started listening after hearing you guys in God Awful Movies with Noah, Heath, and Eli. Are you kidding me? That's where you heard us? You shouldn't be listening to that. Nobody should. You should have to get Medicare before you're allowed to listen to that. 13?

The shit we said? The shit we said on that show? You're 13? I feel like you're depraved for understanding the jokes. Oh my gosh. 13 years old. I was wondering why you don't want children listening to the show. What the fuck?

Why would you think we want you listening to the show? You're 13. Jesus. You're fucking 13 years old. Listen to me. I can't even say you're 13 without saying you're fucking 13. I don't want my children listening to my show until I'm dead. They're 40s.

No, when I'm dead. You'll be dead long before they're 40s. Oh, for certain. Before they're 14s, probably. That's amazing. He says, I also want to know if I can find you on any other shows or if you have any recommendations for other Atheist podcasts. You know, if you go to our subreddit, which is Well Water Drinkers,

if you go to Reddit, there is a page in there. It's not a lot of activity, so you'll be able to find it. That has a listing of all the shows that we have been on and guested on. So you can find it that way. And one of our listeners was kind enough to put that together for us. This is amazing. We're getting a gift, bro. We're getting a gift from Megan.

And Megan made a sign that she burned Glory glory hole studio and it's made out of dicks it it is it is definitively made out of dicks and balls I saw this and I thought immediately like what has become of my life like you know there's that moment like when you when you go back when when you put on the booby hat right when you would go back though if you thought to yourself if i went back in time and talked to 20 like 25 year old me yeah and said hey man someday a stranger is gonna wood burn a penis sign and send it to you i wouldn't have believed me i wouldn't believe there's no part of me that would believe a day of my life in In my 30s, someone could have came up to me and said, in the future, you will be in a studio called Glory Hole Studio. And I would say,

what's a glory hole? Yeah, right? And then you'd look it up and be like, I don't feel like that's where I'd go. I know me better than that. Thank you, Megan. I can't wait to get it. We'll hang out. It's awesome. Thanks so much. Well, that's going to wrap it up for tonight.

We're going to wrap it up and be back next week. We're going to probably have a show, an entire show, with just Sarah Palin and Don Trump this upcoming week. It's going to be amazing. Soon to be President Donald Trump. Why do you say that? When we post it, we will let you know. But we're pretty excited. We're also going to be guesting on a couple podcasts

next Sunday. We're basically going to be recording all day. All day, yeah. And we're going to be guesting on a couple podcasts. So those, we'll let you know when those come out, and we'll let you know where you can find them. So we're just going to leave you like we always do

with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms atlantis dolphins truthers birthers witches, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts,

shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. potential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only.

Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. We'll see you next time. It's my jam, bro. Come on, man. Every song they have is my jam, though. God, you're terrible at this. Quit playing music. So bad. This band is great I just want to go down there and give them like $10

And be like I'll give you $10 to never play music again And it's more money than you'll ever make Playing music Actually I would be happy if they cut their hands off If they were so offended by their own music That they stumped themselves We missed the best joke Why did the Pakistani boy by their own music. And they just stump their songs. And they stump themselves. Oh, we missed the best joke.

Why did the Pakistani boy cut off his hand? I'm stumped too.