Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 274: Right Winging, Bitter Clinging, Proud Clingers

Episode Date: January 28, 2016

The entire endorsement:

Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Hey, everyone. No intro this week. We are just going to launch right into the episode. The episode was recorded last week at Glory Hole Studios. We watched the entire Donald Trump endorsement by Sarahah palin and we wound up uh commenting on it you can find the link to the entire speech if you want to sit through it uh on our website uh and it'll be under this episode episode 274 we do listen to the whole thing and i didn't cut any piece out. So we listened to the entire thing.

We didn't, we didn't cut out any sections and, uh, pick on her, uh, out of context. It's the entire speech. Uh,

we weren't sure it was going to be a whole episode because there's only 20 minutes, but it seems like we had enough to talk about to make an entire episode about it. Uh, we hope you enjoy it. We had a lot of fun recording it so tom what we have yes to play yes is this i think really interesting um speech Really interesting speech from a well-known scholar. Palin, what's on my hand?

McGee, right? Yes, it's Sarah Palin. She just recently endorsed Trump. And what we have. Which, I mean, is that, I mean, like if Sarah Palin endorses you, don't you just want to leave? Like, are you just like, ugh,'ll quit i got it i get the fucking hint right that's like the it's like the biggest political backhanded compliment right like oh you're not um that fat you know like you could probably still sit in like a regular airline seat. You only have to buy the Husky lawn chairs to sit in.

No, no, no. I mean, they still make – The slumber jack ones. No, no, no. I mean, it's good. They still make some clothes you could wear. Right. You know.

Yeah. If you go to a big and tall – If you go to Fat Joe's. Right. It's – no, no, no. It's fine. It's fine. It takes like three Vietnamese boys to stitch your fucking pants together. But it's – no, it's good. It's it's fine it's fine it takes like three vietnamese boys to stitch your fucking

pants together but it's no it's good it's good no you look you you carry it well you do right oh it's just it's big bones it's your your structure really carries that middle section that's good it doesn't you look like it's like it's like a fucking apple balancing up two pencils oh no it's it's i mean most people look like a fucking dumpy cherry sundae. Like, that's it. Like, most people look like two scoops of fucking ice cream with a fucking maraschino on top. That's a little droopy. That's it.

A little droopy is all. No, the thing is. It's got a body like macaroni and cheese. That's what I'm saying. Sarah Palin, as much as we give her shit – Right. Is a horrible person. Well, it's also –

I don't know if that came next, but you can throw that in if you want. Sure. But what I want to say is that she – her endorsement does mean something to a lot of slack-jawed yokels all across the country. All across the country? Do you think her endorsement means anything to somebody that lives in a city with a population over a hundred thousand i'm being kind of serious like if you were living in a city right with a population over a hundred thousand and you hear like oh did you hear sarah palin endorsed so andso do you think that those people will be like stop the fucking presses hang on

sarah palin she speaks for me yeah no it's a bunch of fucking mud hut dwelling hold on now how many copies of her book sold okay all right you might you might have something there i mean i think people were just hoping there was a center i guess what i'm saying is i'd still masturbate i wanted to jerk off to a political milf i'm just saying like i'll they're like a gilf i guess at this point right she's got her kids as your kid has kids she's a gilf right i'm just saying i'd spill my seed on a picture of her glasses. Oh, God. That's horrifying. I think you just I think I just made myself throw up.

I'm still going to do it. All right. So we're going to listen. This is Sarah Palin endorsing Trump. This is from CBS. I just want to now say just a couple of words about a very special person. This is a person who I've known for a long time, who I've respected for so long. We all respect Sarah Palin.

I've known her for a long time and I've respected her for a long time. As opposed to most of the women I meet. You know what I'm saying, guys? Hey, I'm a fucking misogynist. America had no idea who Sarah Palin was eight years ago. Right. No idea. Nobody cared. Nobody cared. No idea. No. Because everybody forgets about Alaska. Right? misogynist right no idea who sarah palin was eight years right well nobody cared yeah nobody

cared no idea no because everybody forgets about alaska yeah right because alaska is meaningless it's a garbage state like it's it's just it's it's just there to be dark and cold yeah that's it incredible husband an incredible family and somebody that when i heard that she was going to endorse me, I was so honored. You have no idea how honored. And I would like to bring up, if I might. My lunch. Governor Sarah Palin. Special, special person.

Thank you. Very special person. Like she's a fucking special needs person. Special person. She took her short bus to get to the podium. Oh, gosh, golly. It's going to be... You know it's going to be that. You know it's going to be the, oh, gosh, golly,

throw up a whole damn thing. It's going to be amazing. Thank you so much. It's so great to be in Iowa. We're here just thawing out. Throw my cock out. Thank you so much. It's so great to be in Iowa. We're here just thawing out. Throw my cock out! Show us your boobs! They're like throwing beads at her. This is so terrible. It's the most sexist shit we've ever done.

Todd and I and a couple of our friends here from Alaska lending our support for the next president of our great United States of America, Donald J. Trump. Oh, God. Oh, no, it's good. I'm good.

No, I'm not. Let that go. Oh, God. Now you know how everyone else feels. Jesus. Mr. Trump, you're right. Look back there in the press box. Heads are spinning.

Media heads are spinning. This is going to be so much fun. Are you ready to make America great again? It's pretty good now. People are just like, eh. Now, all those people hate America. They hate how it is now. But I don't know what their main beefs are.

That there's a black guy in charge. Oh. I think that's the main beef. The main beef is that there's a black dude in charge, and they totes don't like it. We're super mad about that. It's like, the Dow's over 16,000, and unemployment's at a low. You know, last day. Boo.

Wait. No, that's the good thing. Black guy! Like like they don't know what to say like there's nothing substantive we're gonna make america great again uh okay what you're gonna change specifically america and how are you going to change it by making it great okay all right i'm sure she's gonna talk about like some fucking uh gay marriage i'm sure that's gonna be i i feel like she's gonna have a clear and consistent plan that's laid out with timelines and measurables. She just got one of those flow charts.

Right. And it's like a straight line. It's just like, yeah. Is America great? No. Wait for applause. Go back. If yes, no.

No, make great again. We all have a part in this. We all have a responsibility looking around at all of you. You hardworking Iowa families, you farm families and you dirty fucking corn farming motherfuckers. You poor middle class bastards. You think you think that that we're gonna do anything for you right do you really think that they're gonna do anything for you at all yeah right like you i'm looking out at you you bunch of dirty filthy fucking corn farmers you mean nothing show up and vote anyway because you fucking vote republican no matter what we'll say we could stand up here and literally

say anything as evidenced by this actual speech. And you'll still fucking vote for us. And you'll cheer. Throughout the whole thing. Vote against your best interest, you dumb fucking hillbillies. No kidding, right? No kidding. Teachers and teamsters and cops and cooks.

And robbers. She's just naming jobs. The butcher, the baker, the candlestick makers. All you candlestick makers out here in Iowa. She's just naming jobs. She's aware that people have. She's got monster.com open on her phone and she's just scrolling through job openings to remember all the different jobs that people can have. And you management recruits and you sales opportunities.

And she's reading from her hand again. Rock and rollers. And holy rollers. Midnight tokers. All of you who work so hard. You full-time moms. What the fuck is she talking about? She doesn't know.

She's just saying stuff, dude's just she's just listing things again there's a point where she just we're just listing things yeah you with the hands that rock the cradle what hands that rocks the cradle it's a movie it's like a horror movie it's a movie about somebody tries to steal somebody's life as their baby their Yeah, they shook their baby or whatever. I don't know why you'd steal a baby. I don't know either. I know the other way where you give a baby away. They have a built-in alarm. You try

to steal them. You all make the world go round and now our cause is one. It's like she's Yoda. What is happening? And now our cause is one jedi training you must yes she is as nonsensical the thing is she's reading off of a fucking she wrote this down man no she did yes she's ad-libbing when you watch her read it she's fucking looking down constantly

so she's got notes somehow. She wrote it on paper with words? Well, with squiggles of some sort. I could not come up with a worse speech than this. I could stand up there and be like, I'm just pretty much going to rape your kids. It'd be a better speech. It'd be a better speech. I could fucking manscape up there.

And people would be like, this is a superior speech. I'm just shaving my genitals, bitches. I'm like fucking naring my tits. And people would be like, yeah, this is a better. This makes more sense. This makes more sense. My life has meaning now. I'm going to vote for that guy.

Look at that. He's so shiny now. He's like a whale. He's like a whale. He's slick like an orca skin. If he oils up afterwards, I'm going to vote twice. They keep putting Cheetos in his blowhole. When asked why I would jump in into a primary, kind of stirring it up a little bit maybe,

and choose one over some friends who are running, and I've endorsed a couple others you can't endorse more than one candidate you stupid you can't it's not how endorsements work and i like i like jim and i like bobby and i like mark that's not how endorsement works you don't just i'll endorse them all that's like a polygamist endorsement right like that's a bukkake endorsement right she's just wiping the fucking endorsement off her chin it's fucking hanging there it's like it's like a fucking glob of endorsement yeah oh she scrapes it off into a champagne glass shares it with a friend

i've seen that movie oh shit in their races before they decided to run for president uh i was told you know warned left and right you are going to get so clobbered in the press, you are just going to get beat up and chewed up and spit out. And, you know, I'm thinking, and? Yeah? You know, like, you guys haven't tried to do that every day since that night in 08, when I was on stage nominated for VP. And I got to say, yeah, I'll go send me you betcha oh yeah

oh gosh oh golly yeah oh you'll betcha we'll just we'll just throw the whole thing in the wood chipper don't you know fuck you with your fucking folksy ass liars bullshit god that shit makes me so crazy it's so obvious I know that the thing. It's like it's obvious pandering. And people are just like, oh, yeah, you're going to spooge feed me some of that shit? Like, I'll eat it all day. Obvious cat is obvious, right? Fuck you. I'll serve.

And like you all, I'm still standing. Yeah, well, nothing hurts you. You're still fucking rich. Yeah. It's like when i wake up and somebody doesn't like me which is the case every day i wake up and somebody's like i don't like that guy but i'm not fucking rich right if i wake up and it's like i don't like you it's like fucking gonna buy a house i don't care like i'll console myself by weeping into piles of money i'm fucking rich

yeah you get an you get a fucking reality show you get those spots spots on fox deals these fuckers they fucking ejaculate all over her like that's why you know when when we look at her and we say oh she's fucking around she isn't irrelevant man she's fucking she's a real heavy player in that in that because they fucking eat it up they're so stupid they eat it up i don't believe you like part of me i know that what you're saying is true but i simply refuse to believe that anybody looks at sarah palin and thinks this woman is anything other than a fucking farce and a farce right you look at it she's a farce it's like it's like the joke i just every time i listen to her speak i'm like who is the

joke is on someone i'm not sure who who do you think that the right looks at on our side? Biden? Is it Biden? The bumbling Biden? Is that who we look at and say that that who they look at and say, hey, I don't know. Like part of me feels like the right has because there's a lot of buffoons on the right. There's so many. But like like Rick Perry is a fucking unbelievable a fucking unbelievable he's really he's really really

at least you know and maybe he's not a buffoon but the fucking character he plays and the same thing might be true of her right i have no idea might be sharp as a goddamn character she plays is a total and that's the way to think about it right that's the way to think about it is that these people are not and it's so funny because they sell themselves as this hyper-authentic version of Americana. And the whole time, it's a bullshit character. It's sketch comedy. And I listen to this shit, and I'm like, well, this is clearly invented for somebody. And I just don't even understand who the audience is.

The audience is there. You can hear people like, wow, yeah. Everybody's super excited. Everybody's super excited. Fucking hard as a fucking 16-year-old boy. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. All the blood is drained out of their brain.

They're that fucking hard. So those of us who've kind of gone through the ringer, as Mr. Trump has, makes me respect you even more. That you're here and you're putting your efforts and you're putting reputations, you're putting relationships on the line. You're in Iowa. You're putting nothing on the line. You can't lose anything. You're in Iowa.

What would you have to lose? You have nothing to lose in Iowa. Lose your way through the corn maze. Right? You've already sunk as low as this country will allow you to sink. You lose in Iowa. Lose your way through the corn maze. Right? You already sunk as low as this country will allow you to sink. You're in Iowa. It's not like you're going to wake up in Iowa and be like, oh, all my friends and family in Iowa don't love me. You're also in fucking Iowa.

Right? When you're in the seventh ring of hell, it's not like there's anywhere worse for you to go. Your mom's sister isn't going to hate you anyway. Come on now. Mom's sister. ring of hell it's not like there's anywhere worse for you to go your mom sister isn't gonna hate you come on mom sister do the right thing for this country because you are ready to make america great again well i am here because like you i know that it is now or never i vote never like i'm just gonna go with never on that one like can i can i have can i have never in the fucking bad that too yeah who's got never i'm in it to win it because we believe in america oh for god's sakes i don't as a liberal that means no one else believes in america i don't believe in america america is is a ghost it's not a real thing and we love our

freedom and if you love your freedom i can't even hear it's like everything she says every single punch her in the eye single it's like we love our no one else loves freedom you fucking idiot the fuck is wrong with you we love our freedom yeah everybody else everybody on the opposite side is like man i really hate this freedom how do i get rid of this freedom if only there was something i could do to be more oppressed like ridiculous love our freedom and if you love your freedom think of that think of that now we're i'm gonna fucking puke think of that look thank you bet? Look, I'm not bagging on veterans, right? Whatever.

I'm not going to do that because they'll all fight me, and they will all fucking win. They'll win. They'll all win because they fucking dildo bayonets. They'll fucking stab me. And I'm not interested in that. But nonetheless, there's not a veteran walking around. Well, maybe there's a handful from World War II still laid around, but just barely. They're not protecting our freedom.

They're protecting our oil rights. There's no freedom. There was no freedom at risk in any of those wars. I don't appreciate, but nobody like Afghanistan was not going to invade America and take over. Iraq was not going to invade America and take over. Iraq was not going to invade America and take over. It was just like Libya was never going to be like, hey, unless you put a no-fly zone in, we're going to fly over and take over Ohio. That was never going to happen. Iraq was right after Kuwait.

They were on their way here. It was just a stopover. It was a stopover, and then they were going to get on their giant fucking navy and come over here. The freedom for cheap oil. Right? That's exactly. My freedom to take a fucking meaningless road trip. That's it. fucking navy and come over here the freedom for cheap oil right yeah that's exactly my freedom to take a fucking meaningless road trip that's it like my feet my freedom to fucking masturbate in

every rest stop from here to california that's a good goal actually i like that goal dreams dreams think of it and know that the united states military deserves a commander-in-chief who loves our country passionately and will never apologize for this country. Even when we're wrong, even when we make mistakes, never apologize. Shoot missiles at everybody. A new commander-in-chief who will never leave our men behind. A new commander-in-chief, one who will never lie to the families of the fallen bullshit yeah right bullshit you know what you do is the commander in chief of of a nation that is the size and scope of the united states you do whatever's fucking expedient you know what you do that's what you do you know what you do you fucking delegate right he's not fun obama's not looking at war plans in his office you fucking

idiots turn left he's not he's not on it he's not talking to somebody and telling him where to fucking drone strike next he he has three fucking muckety mucks and fucking lots of medals coming to his office and he says where are we at on this they say we're there mr president he says okay cool and then they they go do And then they go do their work. Because that's how management works, right? Like, at the very top, it's like, how are we doing on the project, Bill? Are we scheduled for completion on such and such a date? Sure totes are, Mr. Guy, who could fire me.

Great job. Give me a paycheck. I'm in it because just last week we're watching our sailors suffer and be humiliated on a world stage at the hands of Iranian captors in violation of international law. Yeah, we should just fucking – we should just nuke Iran. You're right. I mean, gosh. Fucking nuke Iran. That's the solution.

Those few dozen people that got returned after three days, you're right. We should have invaded them. Right. I mean, that's the only – Instead of an almost immediate and diplomatic solution that we came to within a relatively short period of time. Yeah, no. Yeah, fuck that. That was a tragedy. Yeah.

I think we should kill all their babies. Well, just shoot them all. I think that's how we got to handle it. Just look. If they're brown – I don't want to shoot them, Tom. I just that's how we got to handle it. Just look. If they're brown. I don't want to shoot them, Tom. I just want to get a big vat of napalm and throw them in there. Yeah, right.

Like some fucking white phosphorus. I don't want to give them the fucking rights to a U.S. bullet. Are you kidding me? They have to give it back. You fucking shoot their kids. Dig it out and give it back. Fuck you. Fuck you, America.

Dig it out and give it back. That's the worst. Here's a metal detector. I want all our foolish back. Now get to work. And then when I'm done, I'm shooting you. Because a weak-kneed capitulator-in-chief has decided that America will lead from behind. There's nothing wrong with leading from behind.

You know, you just got to—here's the thing. You just got to make sure you control the tempo. that America will lead from behind. There's nothing wrong with leading from behind. Here's the thing. You just got to make sure you control the tempo. As long as you go easy, it's all good. That's right. It's all good. You just ease it. You just ease it in.

Ease it in. Take your time. Use a lot of lube. It's fine. Just make sure everybody's relaxed. What a ridiculous thing to say, though. Where she's just, mean, she's bagging on capitulate is a weak need guy. Like, look, what do you want? What's the fucking alternative is to go to war or have some sort of fucking airstrike or something? What do you want?

As far to the center, close to the right on military policy as anybody on the left could could possibly have nightmares about. Right. Like the guy has not. The idea that he's a weak need capitulator is just fucking garbage. I think history will out that his his his deal with Iran was a tremendous coup, like as a diplomatic coup. tremendous uh coup like it was a diplomatic coup you know uh recently i ran like filled like poured cement in like one of their big nuclear shenanigans machines right like i don't know anything about these things they call them the nuclear shenanigans fuck you by the way just so you're yeah you gotta they actually filled it with shillelagh i'm just saying that history will show that it's better than invading Iran. They put four-leaf clovers. Just fill the whole thing full of lucky charms and hope it doesn't blow up. They stuffed a leprechaun in there.

No more shenanigans there. Jesus, Mary, it's awesome. Would you look at this nuclear reactor? It's full of shenanigans, Tiz. It's full of shenanigans. And he who would negotiate deals deals deals you're like but trump actually wrote the book on negotiating like here you are pissed off that this guy who's negotiated a deal with iran and the guy that you're endorsing literally wrote the book on negotiating

like that's i mean you're fucking standing right next to him right now if i'm trump i'd be like negotiating is kind of my thing that's sort of that's yeah that's me like i'm the negotiator in chief right like kind of like with the skills of a community organizer maybe organizing a neighborhood tea yeah well he deciding that, no, America would apologize. And as part of the deal, as the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world that they capture and we kowtow and we apologize. And then we bend over and say, thank you, enemy. She keeps saying bend over. I know.

She's sending some signals, right? She's like, break that shit come on now grandma likes it rough we are ready for a change we are ready and our troops deserve the best what the fuck does that mean our troops deserve the best what the fuck yeah not the worst here's the thing our troops can't even see a fucking doctor right you fucking asshole right because the republicans slashed va funding because there's no va so fucking they go to war they come back they're all fucked up they can't see a doctor and we're like oh yeah those veterans ain't served the best they're the best we could give them except for any medical coverage because

we're not really gonna pay for that. So here's a handshake. Right. Because that's all it is. It's just all it is is a handjob. Right. This is exactly what we've talked about before, right? This is handjobs for the troops. It is.

It's like, splurp, splurp, splurp, splurp. Okay, great. Thanks. You know, don't appreciate it, but I still have fucking face cancer, right? It's not a fucking yellow ribbon. It's a fleshlight. You're putting the fucking, like the magnet fleshlight ribbon it's a fleshlight you're putting the

fucking like the magnet fleshlight magnet on your car it's like support the troops it's just a fleshlight a new commander-in-chief whose track record of success has proven he is the master at the art of the deal he is one who would know to negotiate the art of the deal. He is one who would know to negotiate. Isn't the art of the deal Trump's book? Right. Isn't that the name of his actual book? No, but now she's praising him. She's saying the other guy couldn't do it. He's the one who can do it.

But it's like, fucking, the proof is in the pudding, cuntwad. Jesus. Cuntwad, I've never even heard. That's horrible. I love it. Only one candidate's record of success proves he is the master of the art of the deal. He is beholden to no one but we, the people.

How refreshing. He is perfectly positioned. Again with the positions. I mean, she's been going to yoga class. I may not be the best at picking up a signal. It's yoga for grandmas. But when somebody's offering up the position. To let you make America great again.

Are you ready for that, Iowa? Fucking corn goblets. Are you fucking ready for it? Corn goblets. Are you ready? You stupid credulous dipshit corn goblets.

No more pussyfooting around. Our troops deserve the best. Not medical coverage. The rest. The rest of it. They deserve the best. Not the best paying jobs either. Right.

Just the best. Because we probably won't hire them. But other than that, they deserve the best. They deserve the best. Or at least they're pretty good. Actually, we probably know. They don other than that, they deserve the best. They deserve the best. Or at least they're pretty good. Actually, we probably, no, they don't get anything. You deserve the best. He is from the private sector, not a politician.

Can I get a hallelujah? They said hallelujah. They did. They did. It's like a whole crew of them. I love the idea that somebody is vying to be in the public sector. And then they're just like, fuck the public sector. And then they're just like, fuck the public sector.

And it's like, wait, that's the job you want. It'd be like, if you were at work and you're like, you know, a job you're applying for. Yeah.

I'm, I'm, I'm applying for VP of sales. But you know, I come to you with a strong background of not being in sales. Cause fuck sales, bitch. Yeah.

And you're like, it's the same. Yeah. To be a politician and not a politician at all. Yeah. How are you selling that? We're in the private sector. You actually have to balance budgets in order

to prioritize, to keep the main thing, the main thing. The main thing, the main thing. The main thing. That's how I talk. I'm not a fucking word-using guy. The main thing, the main thing. You gotta keep the stuff doing the thing things.

Like, what are you? You should be fired from words. He just looks at her. He's like, you know what? I changed her. I don't want your endorsement. I'm done. I don't want it.

Grotesquery. And he knows the main thing. A president is to keep us safe economically and militarily. He knows the main thing and he knows how to lead the charge so troops hang in there because helps on the way because he better than anyone isn't he known for being able to command fire wait command fire command command fire is he like an elementalist he's like an airbender he's like a rage yeah he's like, I command you, fire, do the main thing. Main thing.

That's the spell. Main thing, main thing. What are you talking about? Are you ready for a commander in chief? Are you ready for some football? I am ready for some football. Thanks, Hank Williams Jr. That's who I'm going to hire as. Thanks, Hank William Jr. That's who I'm going to hire as the president.

Hank Williams Jr. No. He'd be a better president. He'd be a better president. Literally anybody. You could hire one of those birds that looks like it's drinking water. You ready for a commander-in-chief who will let our warriors do their job and go kick ISIS' ass? What's happening?

Yeah, this is a bloodthirsty group of people. This is like they're going to do like a fucking Polynesian war dance in a minute, like holding spears above their heads. What is happening? What is happening? Ready for someone who will secure our borders to secure our jobs. Nobody wants any of the jobs that people have. Right. To secure our jobs. Like, really?

Like, somebody's going to secure my job? Like, I'm afraid an illegal immigrant's going to be like, hey, can I have your job as an officer of a Fortune 500 company? Like, no, fuck off, bro. No. Like, here's how we,'s how like look let's be real honest like the fucking the migrant workers who come in here illegally are basically the 21st century version of fucking slave labor it's an indentured servitude system it's the only reason we can fucking buy bell peppers for fucking 39 cents a pound at goddamn old. You had to pay those people a living wage. It would be like nobody could afford a food.

We would never have stuffed peppers. What we don't want to say, what we don't want to say is like, well, our housing costs would go up. Our fucking food costs would go up like dramatically. So many of the fucking shitty jobs in this country are done the way they've always been done in this country through an indentured servitude slavery system by migrants and immigrants that come into the country was the chinese it was the fucking irish it was the fucking uh africans like we just we just decide who we're oppressing it just so happens that in the 21st century it's fucking mexicans yeah that's just the reality of it and nobody wants to say that shit out loud because it seems fucking awkward but i don't want to pay a dollar 87 for fucking bell peppers all that for a dollar for bell peppers you're an awful monster i'm a monster you're an awful human you know what the thing is is like like we you hear what she has to say and it's all just platitudes nobody's gonna do that they're not gonna do that

because you know the people that that trump knows that are business people, they don't want to fucking have to pay people living wages and shit and like give those jobs back. Nobody's going to do it. No one. No one. They'll just farm it out. They'll just farm that shit out. Literally farm it out.

Go to another country. Right. Sorry, we're going to another country. So you're not saving American jobs. You're shipping fucking jobs somewhere else. And the money that could be made from it. Right. Ready to make America great again.

Are you ready to stump for Trump? I'm here to support the next president of the United States, Donald Trump. I'm here to support the next president of the United States. Jesus, I'll fucking empty the bile out of my goddamn stomach every time I hear that. Now, eight years ago, I warned that Obama's promised fundamental transformation of America, that it was going to take more from you and leave America weaker on the world stage. And that we would soon be unrecognizable. None of those things happened. Literally none of those things happened, you idiot.

None of those fucking things happened. But now you're going to tell us you're going to spoon feed this fucking crowd of yokels that all of it changed somehow. You're like the Wizard of Oz. When I'm on my John Deere tractor thinking about how I hate black people. Okay. All right. All right, trucker hat. Go lay down.

The bill is perfectly straight across. You can set your drink on it. Well, it's the one promise that Obama kept. But he didn't do it alone. And this is important to remember, especially those of you like me. Those of you like me, rich, entitled cunts. A member of the GOP, this is what we have to remember in this very contested, competitive, great primary race. Trump's Kansas-y.

Kansas-y. Kansas-y. This is Kansas-y. Yeah, fucking slow down on the oxy before you give your speech. Donald-y? Kansas-y. This is Kansas-y. Yeah, fucking slow down on the oxy before you give your speech. Donald, I'll have another drink. It has exposed not just that tragic, the ramifications of that betrayal of a transformation of our country. What the fuck? What does that even mean?

What sentence was that? What happened to you? She's always having a stroke. She's always having a stroke. She's always having a stroke. You know what would be an amazing exercise is to take one of her fucking garbage sentences and try to diagram that shit. Oh, yeah. Like, what is the subject of your sentence? It's all predicate.

Like, the whole thing is just a rambling fucking vomitous mess. the whole thing it's just a rambling fucking vomitous mess it's like it's like uh if you diagram or sentence it's like reading like the necronomicon like your brain like starts to melt but two he has exposed the complicity on both sides of the aisle that has enabled it okay that is okay wait a minute None of that makes any sense. I can't. I don't know how to do that. Well, Trump, what he's been able to do, which is really ticking people off, which I'm glad about. He's going rogue left and right, man.

That's why he's doing so well. Unlike you. All she does is, like, use her own taglines. Right. She had some jag off, write a bunch of taglines for her, her now she just keeps on just throwing them out i'm going rogue i have seen very few people masturbate on stage that fucking aggressively like that's just well i don't want to say very few but i was gonna say i've had to tip differently i guess he's been able to tear the vil off. The vil? The vil? The vil?

The vil? Tear the vil off the dill? You got to tear the vil off the dill, bro. Yeah. Can I get a dill on the vil? That's how their freshness sells. This idea of the system, the way that the system really works. And please hear me on this.

I want you guys to understand more and more. Why are you not saying anything? please hear me on this. I want you guys to understand more and more. You're not saying anything. Please hear my garbage speak. The system, the establishment works and has gotten us into the troubles that we are in in America. The permanent political class has been doing the bidding of their campaign donor class. Well, Trump is one of those campaign donors. For fucking a million years, he's given millions of dollars to the Democrats and the Republicans. More to the

Democrats than to the Republicans. That's why a lot of people thought he was a sleeper-cell Democrat when he first announced his candidacy. He has the fucking definition of big money shitting into the system. He's just been on the other side of it. He's been the guy buying votes. And now you're like on this

side being like you know what's bad when people buy votes fucking if i was trump i'd be like i bought a lot of fucking votes no you and you'd be like you're right sarah right you're right you are totes right totally right in that gobbledygook that you just said whatever you said that's right do you think he's do you think he's standing there embarrassed to listen to this here's what i think now that you mention it you said he paid more to the to the yeah democrats and the republicans he's donated to hillary i think i think maybe he's doing this dog and pony show now for the far right so he can get the nomination and he'll be super center when it comes time if he gets the nomination he'll be super center maybe he'll be tot center maybe he'll be

tote center of the road like obama obama was pretty center of the road you know what i mean like you have the people because because they were trying to pull uh all those guys were trying to pull him to the right i thought mitt was close to center too but everybody everybody comes closer to center and but i think he'll come really close to center i think that's how he could beat whoever he's a single-payer health care guy yep like trump's been a single-payer health care guy for the fuck and then everybody's like ignoring that yeah well they're ignoring it because it's inconvenient and that's why you see that the borders are kept open for them for their cheap labor that they want to come in them them as corporations of which trump is literally the greatest symbol ever. You can't even have a better symbol for corporate greed than Donald Trump.

He's fucking purposefully synonymous with corporate greed. Like if you fucking look up corporate fucking shill in the goddamn dictionary, it's fucking Trump's fucking toupee. That's what it is. That's why they've been bloating budgets. It's for crony capitalists to be able to suck off of them. It's why we see these lousy trade deals that gut our industry for special interests elsewhere. We need someone new who has the power and is in the position to bust up that establishment to make things great

again. It's part of the problem. I can't, dude. What do you want from me, man? The one thing that I hear from everybody, and this is from both sides, everybody's jerking off about Bernie Sanders. I don't know if you saw his latest campaign. Yeah, I heard he's doing pretty good. His latest campaign ad

was just a song. He says nothing in it and he's just walking around shaking hands and it's just a ton of voters like it's just showing their faces and it's him all across america it's the song called america by i think simon and garfunkel or something and i like that song at the end of it it's just him saying i approve this message i'm like there was no message there was no message Well, you didn't say anything. You just, you fucking stood there and shook people's hands. What is that?

Your message, dude? There's no message there. And I know, see, a lot of people will be like, well, he's getting at the heartstrings of America and it's good marketing. I'm sure it's great marketing. Whatever. However that works. Didn't say anything to me, though. Didn't convince me to vote for him.

You played a music video. I don't give a fuck about your music video, dude. I a music video i don't need anything from you you know tell me what you're gonna do and the other thing that i just see bernie sanders on the fucking hood of a fucking camaro like throwing his fucking crazy jewish hair back and then he's and then he's like he's like in the studio next door dropping fat beats with the guys he's got the one he's got a fucking headphone on one ear hit it hit it oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah anyway um the thing that a ton of people are saying is like oh you know if we get bernie sanders in there if we get trump in there you know that's going to change everything it's going to be a game change what what are they going to do either one of them's four years and out you look what do you do you're fucking cock blocked by the establishment right they're never gonna do anything you want to do i don't care who you are obama is as centrist as

they come he really is like he's just like hey guys maybe we should work together to accomplish something yeah and everyone's like fuck you will kill your fucking family yeah right like and if you get somebody that's far right or far left they're just gonna they're gonna they're just gonna be like well my name is uh President Placeholder, and you'll vote for someone new in four years. That's all it is. Well, and that's all this is. I mean, it's like, you can't be so deluded to think that Sanders or Trump are going to come in there and they're going to do any of these things that they're saying they're going to do. It's almost like this whole election is a bullshit election, that this election is like the post-Obama – I don't know how to describe this, but it's like nobody wants to follow Obama with their real candidates, that it's just placeholder bullshit candidacy to get us four years away from Obama so that nobody touches that live wire because he was such a divisive president.

It's like nobody even wants to be fucking next to that shit. His candidacy, which is a movement, it's a force, it's a strategy. It proves as long as the politicos, they get to keep their titles and their perks and their media ratings, they don't really care who wins elections. Believe me on this. And the proof of this, look what's happening today. Our own GOP machine, the establishment, they who would assemble the political landscape, they're attacking their own frontrunner.

Now, would the left ever, would the DNC ever come after their frontrunner and her supporters? No, because they don't eat their own. They don't self-destruct. But for the GOP establishment to be coming after Donald Trump's supporters, even with accusations that are so false, they are so busted the way that this thing works. We, you, a diverse, dynamic, needed support base that they would attack. And now some of them even whispering they're ready to throw in for Hillary over Trump because they can't afford to see the status quo go. Otherwise, they won't be able to be slurping off the gravy train that's been feeding them all these years. They don't want that to end.

How many metaphors can she use in one speech? It is amazing. Slurping off the gravy train. I saw that movie, too. Right? Slurping off the gravy train. I don't know if I like that one. It's a short movie with a predictable ending.

I'm just saying. I wouldn't watch it twice, but I'll watch the whole thing once on fast forward and pause it and zoom well and then funny ha ha not funny what the what she's 11 so she's 11 she's totes 11. Not. Not. Not. Avoid denied. Like, okay, great. It's 25 fucking years ago. But now what they're doing is wailing, well, Trump and his trumpeters, well, they're not conservative enough. Oh, my goodness gracious. What the heck would the establishment know about conservatism?

Why? Now she's like anti-GOP. She's kind of all over the place. What the heck would the establishment know about conservatism? Why now? She's like, she's kind of all over the place. She's kind of all over the place. She's only pro Trump, but she's anti everybody else. Like if I was in the fucking audience, be like, I kind of like the GOP. I'm voting for them. Tell me, is this conservative GOP majorities handing Obama a blank check to fund Obamacare and Planned Parenthood. They've been trying to fuck Obamacare since it came in.

They've been trying to fucking pull the teeth out of that. And they fucking defunded Planned Parenthood. They have voted like fucking like a hundred times to repeal Obamacare. It's like the only thing they've done like for fucking eight years like can we repeal obamacare no uh what about now okay so we're gonna give all students in the united states lunch and we repeal obamacare right like attack that on there can we how about no how about in this bill this is called the uh blow jobs for senators bill everybody on board yes yes i got you. Fred, over there?

No? It can be male or female. Yes, got your vote. Alright. Alright. An illegal immigration that competes for your jobs and turning safety nets into hammocks. Safety nets into hammocks? Sounds very relaxing.

Safety nets into hammocks? Who's making them into hammocks well the lazy people see when you give people welfare tom they sleep all day here's the thing if i'm that lazy i'll sleep on the net i'm not turning it into something else seems like a lot of work you misunderstand. You misunderstand the nature of lazy. I'll fucking show you how to lazy. And all these new Democrat voters that are going to be coming on over the border as we keep the borders open and bequeathing our children millions in new debt and refusing to fight back for our solvency and our sovereignty, even though that's why we elected them and sent

them as a majority to D.C.? No. If they're not willing to do that, then how are they to tell us that we're not conservative enough in order to be able to make these changes in America that we know need to be made? Now they're concerned about this ideological purity. Give me a break. Who are they to say that? Oh, and tell somebody like Phyllis Schlafly. She is the Republican conservative movement icon and hero and a Trump supporter.

And a monster. She's a monster. I don't know anything about her. We've had her out. She's been on Right Wing Watch a number of times. We've fucking talked about her a number of times. She's a monster. I don't know anything about her. She's been on Right Wing Watch a number of times. We've fucking talked about her a number of times. She's a monster. Yeah, probably. She is a fucking straight

monster. Tell her she's not conservative. How about the rest of us? Right-wing and bitter-clinging proud-clingers of our guns, our God, and our religions and our... No, no. Religion. Religion. You guys picked one. What did she say? Proud clingers of our guns, our God, and our religions and our... No, no. Religion. Religion.

You guys picked one. What did she say? Proud clingers? Proud clingers. Well, that's a reference to the Obama reference where he's like, you know, some people are bitterly clinging to God, guns, and religion. Oh, she's trying to like use... It's a reference. Oh, she's terrible at it.

Oh, yeah. She's not good at it because she bungled all the words. How about the rest of us? Right-wing and bitter-clinging proud clingers of our guns, our God, and our religions and our... It's the greatest clip ever. Right-wing and bitter-clinging proud-clingers. Right-wing and bitter-clinging proud-clingers. You got the fucking...

It's like Klingons. Ah, you got the clingers. Ah, you got the Klingers. You got the Klankers, eh? Got any more carbs? Our religions and our constitution tell us that we're not red enough. Yeah, coming from the establishment. Right. Well, he being the only one who's been willing, he's got the guts to wear the issues that need to be spoken about and debated wearing

the issues that need to be spoken about hey trump what are you wearing issues that need to be spoken about try clothes motherfucker we can see your penis on his sleeve where the rest of some of these establishment candidates they just wanted to duck and hide. They didn't want to talk about these issues until he brought them up. In fact, they've been wearing this political correctness kind of like a suicide vest. What? We're just going to use every fucking... They've been wearing

political correctness like a suicide vest? How would you do that? How would you do that? Somebody's like, we should not... I don't know. I'm trying to think of something politically incorrect to say. I just hope she puts it on how would you do that? Somebody's like, oh, we should not. I don't know. I'm trying to think of something like politically incorrect to say. I just hope she puts it on

so I could text her. All I want is for these people to self-destruct. So fucking wear it all day. And enough is enough. These issues that Donald Trump talks about had to be debated and he brought them to the forefront.

And that's why we are where we are today with good discussion. Good discussion. Have you watched the clown car debates? Wait a minute. Good discussion. Have you listened to yourself? Good discussion.

A good, heated, and very competitive primary is where we are. And now, though, to be lectured that, well, you guys are all sounding kind of angry is what we're hearing from the establishment it's your own party you're shooting yourself right in the face you're fucking what are you doing it's you're like oh she's spending she's spending half this fucking speech railing against her own party it's amazing isn't it you are terrible at this you are literally the worst at this one of these like the whole time just like, I made a huge mistake. Right? It'd be like going to somebody's house for a party and being like, your home is

fucking horrible. Your wife is fat and ugly. Your dog is a fucking piece of shit. The food you made is basically salmonella garbage. Anyway, great place. Peace. You're a fucking horrible person.

Doggone right we're angry. Justifiably so. Yes. You know they stomp on our neck and then they tell us just chill. Netflix and chill? No, it's stomp and chill. Yeah. I get more women to say yes to that on Tinder.

Right. No, we're going to st stop first oh hey okay i'm into it whatever whatever gets you going gets me go anybody who swipes right on me they're in it to win it you know what i mean they look at that picture and they say yes they said yes to that picture all in right good lord they think they're going to fucking Linkin Park Zoo. Like to ride the elephant later? They swipe right. They look at me, they swipe right, and they ask, how much is your adoption fee?

Okay, just relax. Well, look, we are mad, and we've been had. Be glad. Don't be sad. get used to it this election is more than just your basic abcs one two threes look at me baby you and me it's amazing you said i love this so much i love sarah phelan i want to invite her to everything i go to for the rest of my life she's my very best friend i seriously i loved her eight years ago when she was a fucking lunatic i love her now she's she's so great she's so great

there's you know the thing is like several times we've said that's the new sarah phelan no no no there's been a lot of imitators yeah you can't you can't take the crown oh you can't she's amazing anybody but clinton did she just do like a like a she did like a ford joke abc anybody but clinton listen or than just your basic abcs anybody but Clinton. Listen. Or than just your basic ABCs. Anybody but Clinton. It's more than that to scroll around. ABB, anybody but Bernie. When we're talking about a nation without borders, when we're talking about bankruptcies in our federal government, death at our children and our grandchildren, they'll never be able to pay off when we're talking about no more reagan-esque power that that comes from strength what the fuck what is she saying reagan-esque power that comes through strength i can't i can't power through strength well then we're talking about our very

existence so no we're not gonna chill in fact it's it's time to drill Baby Drill down. All she does is just say shit like that. Like, none of it means anything. It's just a series of meaningless platitudes followed by a more strangely disconnected meaningless platitudes. I want you to hear the guy scream in the background when he says that though.

In fact, it's time to drill Baby Drill down. Drill you, Sarah Palin. My hand is in the pants. I wasn't agreeing. I was having an orgasm. I wore sweatpants to this rally for a reason. I'm just going to sit here after it's over for about five minutes, okay?

I got two pairs of underpants on to soak it all in. I need two of your little brochures to hold awkwardly over my junk as I walk out. I got a snail trail a mile long for you. Oh, God. They need to get the jaws of life to get him unstuck from his underwear. Hold these folks accountable.

And we need to stop the self-sabotage and elect new and independent. He's not independent. Is that an independent rule? He is the GOP frontrunner. And she spends the whole time yelling at the GOP. If he wins, he's the GOP frontrunner. I know.

Oh, it's amazing. I love this. A candidate who represents that and represents America first, finally. Pro-Constitution. Common sense solutions that he brings to the table. Yes, the status quo

has got to go. Seriously, it's just rhyming. She's just rhyming. In a minute, it's going to be like, we need some green eggs and ham. Sam. Sam. It's amazing. I'd vote like, in a minute, it's going to be like, we need some green eggs and ham. Sam. I am. It's amazing.

I'd vote for him in a car. I'd vote for him in a bar. We're just going to get more of the same. And with their failed agenda, it can't be salvaged. It must be savage. She seriously is rhyming every time. I'll tell you what, though. God, could you imagine being like a, you know, just a normal dude, straight up normal dude who just happens to be Republican, you know, just a normal guy.

You go to a rally to see Trump, see what he has to say, and then you have to sit and listen to this for 30 minutes, 20 minutes. I'm not sure I could. I couldn't imagine walking in and being like, I'm going to hear somebody. Do they sell beer at these things? They better. They better. And Donald Trump is I'm going to hear somebody. Do they sell beer at these things? They better. They better. And Donald Trump is the right one to do that. Are you ready for new?

And are you ready for the leader who will let you make America great again? It's going to take a whole team. It's going to take a whole team. Fighters. All of us in the private sector. Fighters in the House and the Senate. So our friends who are fighters in the House and the Senate today, they need to stay there and help out. That's basic, you fucking idiot.

No shit. You keep the people in that you like. Okay. That's how politics works, dummy. What the fuck? We can help our new leader in the positions that that you like. Okay? That's how politics works, dummy! The fuck? They can help our new leader in the positions that they are in. Let me say something really positive about

one of those individuals. Rand Paul. I'm going to tell you about that libertarian streak in him that is healthy because he knows you only go to war if you're determined to win the war! And you quit footing the bill for these nations who are oil rich. We're paying for some of their squirmishes.

Wait, what's a squirmish? Wait a minute, Cecil. Wait a minute. What the fuck is a squirmish? A squirmish? We're going to pay for your squirmish? It's a British term for being eked out. A squirmish?

A squirmish. It's where you're really grossed out from a battle. Oh, God, there's a dead body over there. I feel so squirmish. It's a squirmish. That have been going on for centuries where they're fighting each other and yelling all of Akbar, calling jihad on each other's heads forever and ever like I've said before let him duke it out and let all us sort it out

I don't know what to do with this you cannot believe this she cannot believe this that's I think that's amazing though i think that's great because that explains exactly what you know what her her methodology is she doesn't she doesn't care about anybody else she doesn't care about the world you know this would have been our vice president this would have been shut your whore mouth who is in a position of power that could have easily you know a fucking the stresses of the job got to john mccain he could have died she could have been president she didn't give a fuck about anybody. She doesn't.

I don't think she gives a fuck about anybody else, let alone other countries. Right. She doesn't care that, you know, you go to Syria and they've been fucking barrel bomb to death and there's fucking dead kids all over. And people are trying to swim to safety across fucking hundred miles.

She's got to let all this sort of attitude. She doesn't give no fuck about those people. She doesn't care. She thinks, Oh, they have to take each other's heads. Who gives a shit? Let me get your oil. I will pick your pockets when you're dead is what she's saying.

That is exactly what she's saying. She's a fucking monster. We'll fight for American interests. And as Donald Trump has said, other nations where we have been footing the bill, but we haven't prioritized our own domestic budgets well enough to be able to afford what we're doing overseas. It's an international world, you dumbass. Like, that's not how it works. You cannot at this point be a country,

an economy, a military, the size and scope that we are, and be isolationist. That is a fucking stupid fucking thing to say. You can't do it. It's a world economy. It's a fucking, this is a fucking stupid fucking thing to say. You can't do it. It's a world economy. It's a fucking, this is not fucking 1914 where you can fucking sit back on your laurels and be like, well, we'll just make sure everything's taken care of here. That's not how it fucking works anymore.

It's not a real big ocean anymore. Right. Things are going to change under President Trump. So it can be an unbeatable team with fighters there in the House and the Senate. Yeah, our leader is a little bit different. He's a multi-billionaire. Not that there's anything wrong with that. We're also not multi-billionaires.

Give me your money. I would love to go to a rally and just scream that the whole time. Right? Give me a million dollars! It literally means nothing to you! But it's amazing. He is not elitist. Donald Trump is not elitist?

Are you fucking kidding me? You almost choked on your tongue. He names his buildings after himself. He names his buildings after himself. He is the most narcissistic, egotistical, mega malign guy. I just Sarah Palin that shit. He's a squirmishing guy. Are you kidding me?

Donald Trump is not elitist. You're fucking high. My dad met Donald Trump. Did I tell you this? My dad met Donald Trump. My dad was a vice president of a bank. And it did. met Donald Trump. My dad was a vice president of a bank and did – well, whatever. But he was a vice president of a bank, a pretty big bank in Chicago, and Donald Trump did business there. And because my dad was a VP but not an SVP, not a senior VP, Trump wouldn't talk to him when he was in the room.

Because he's an elitist prick. Good lord. Yeah. That's how he is. What a twat. At all. Oh, I just hope you all get to know him more and more as a person and a family man. A family man. He said he would fuck his own daughter if he was not related to her.

He said that. That's a family man, Tom. Come on, now. What? I mean, that's like the definition. Jesus. At least when I do internet searches, that's the definition. What he's been able to accomplish with his, it's kind of this quiet generosity.

Yeah, maybe his largesse kind of, I don't know, some would say gets in the way of that quiet generosity and his compassion. But if you know him as a person and you'll get to know him more and more, you'll have even more respect, not just for his record of success and the good intentions for America, but who he is as a person. He's not an elitist. And yes, as a multibillionaire, we still root him on because he roots us on. He doesn't give a fuck.

He does not care about my God. He would, if, if, if there was a little bit of water on the ground, he would make them lay down so he could walk to the stage. Are you kidding me? I doesn't give a fuck.

He would shoot a taxi driver in the face right now if he could get away with it. He'd be like, yep, is there any way I could get away with this? Donald Trump does strike me as a man who would hunt people for sport. He would. He's like, I mean, he kind of has that Michael Douglas look, you know? And he has, he spent his life with a working man. He did not spend his life with the working man. He did not spend his life with the working man. He's not a working man.

He spent his life with the working man. Yes, ordering them around. Hey, working man, bring me some shit. I'm Donald fucking Trump. It's like when he says that he took out a small loan to start his first business. A million dollar loan. You didn't take out a small loan. A small loan is 500 bucks small loan is a micro

loan in india right for ten dollars that's a small loan that's a small loan i would like a banana fuck you he tells us joe six packs he said you know i've worked very very, and I've succeeded. Hugely, I've succeeded, he says. And he says, and I want you to succeed too. And that is refreshing because he, as he builds things, he builds big things, things that touch the sky, big infrastructure that puts other people to work. He has spent his life looking up and respecting the hard hats and the still-toed boots. Still-toed?

Still-toed boots? Oh, it's the hard hats and the still-toed boots? Still-toed boots? What's wrong with your face that it makes those sounds? Still-toed. The work ethic that you all have within you. He, being an optimist, passionate about equal opportunity to work,

this self-made success of his, you know that he doesn't get his power, his high, off of opium, other people's money. Oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Other people's money. No, he doesn't need to get it off other people's money. He inherited enough of his own. You know that's how he got rich, right? He just fucking inherited a bunch's money. No, he doesn't need to get off other people's money. He inherited enough of his own.

You know that's how he got rich, right? He just fucking inherited a bunch of money. Then he made a bunch of money a bigger bunch of money. But he's not like... Because that's not really that hard to do when you have a shit ton of money. Money will work. Big money is just like,

well, I'll just work. Fucking little money is like, you need me for groceries. Well, big money, think about it this way. He't need anything he's got all he needs he has millions and millions of dollars he could be earning literally nothing on it or very little and still be making money off right yeah and you can take all the risks because it doesn't mean anything to you if you fucking if you're like paycheck to paycheck you can't afford to take risks right that's a huge difference between you, being wealthy and being able to invest and being able to take risks and being able to win some, lose some. Right. Like regular fucking people are like, I kind of need to pay my car payment.

Like you can't afford those fucking risks. You can't afford to be like, well, fuck it. Let's venture off and start a business and hire people and fucking pay Mexicans an unlivable wage. Like you can't do that shit like this guy. Like a lot of dopes in Washington do. They're addicted to opium where they take other people's money and then their high is getting to redistribute it, right? And then they get to be really popular people when they get to give out your hard money.

Your hard money? My hard money. I know. I didn't flick a quarter at you yet. Well, he doesn't do that. His power, his passion, is the fabric of America. What the fuck does that mean?

Is it cotton? What the fuck does that mean? Is it the fabric of our lives? His power is the... The touch. The feel. The fuck does that mean? It doesn't mean anything.

His power is the fabric of our lives? She just continues to make up these horrifying, belabored metaphors. His power is don't squeeze the shard. Where's the beef? If she wears the beefs, I'm fucking quitting this show. I'll tell you what. I will quit the show. Man, if she says I hope I have fallen and I can't get up, it would be amazing.

And it's woven by work ethic and dreams and drive and faith in the Almighty. What a combination. Are you ready to share in that again, Iowa? Because that's what's going to let you make America great again. What? You said nothing. Nothing. What did she say? This is what's going to make America great.

His power, his passion is the fabric of America. And it's woven by work ethic and dreams and drive and faith in the almighty. What a combination. Work ethic, dreams, drive, and faith in the almighty is going to make America great again. Yes. Because nobody in the country has work ethic. Nobody has any drive. Everybody's fucking dreams were stomped out by Obama.

And Obama killed God. When he fucking Nietzsche that bitch, right? When he put his hand on that Bible to swear himself in. Are you ready to share in that again, Iowa? Because that's what's going to let you make America great again. He's going to be able to empower you to look out for one another again, instead of relying on a bankrupt government to supposedly be looking out for you.

No. And I think you're ready for that. Yeah. I'm fucking a patronizing condescending bitch. What a fucking unbelievably demeaning thing to say to you fucking dirty ass corn goblins. Are you guys ready now? Because I want to give you your own allowance. Right?

I think you guys have earned the responsibility to clean the fucking toilets yourselves. It's awesome. It's so great. It's just like so patronizing. And Iowa, I believe too that you're ready to see that our vets are treated better than illegal immigrants are treated in this country. Okay.

Sure. But none of that's really true. I mean, neither of them are treated very well at all. Nobody. Turns out. The thing is that nobody treats anybody anyway. Right? Like the government's not like, oh, you're a vet.

Well, here's a fucking handy. Like, that's not really true. It's like, nobody's like, oh, you're an illegal immigrant? Like, well, you know, let me give you a house. Like, nobody's doing any of these things. Nobody is doing this. You just wander through the world hoping to make a fucking place for yourself. No matter whether you're a vet or a fucking

illegal immigrant or whether, no matter what your station in the world is. Who's giving you things? Where are the things? Nobody's giving me the who's giving you things where are the things nobody's giving me the things and you're ready for the tax reform he talks about to open up main street again and you're ready to stop the race baiting and the division based on color and zip code to unify around the right issues the issue is important to me or I wouldn't be endorsing and pro-life, pro-second amendment.

Amendant? Amendant. It's an amendment. It's an amendment. It's an amendment. It's a new kind of mint. Amendment. Strict constitutionality. Those things that are unifying values

and their time-tested truths involved. These are unifying values from big cities and tiny towns, from big mountain states and the Big Apple, to the big beautiful heartland that's in between. None of that meant fucking anything. I swear to fucking God. None of that shit meant anything.

That is awesome. That's just, again, all platitudes. It's just, I'm going to talk about the nation. I'm going to say the Big Apple to here and you guys are all just going to... From sea to shining sea the shining guys are all just going to be like yeah no hold my eyes open when you come in it give me the pink guy that's what i want it's fine now finally friends i want you to try to picture this it's a nice thing to picture exactly one year from tomorrow, former President Barack Obama. It's going to happen. Regardless.

Regardless. Right. It's going to happen. He packs up the teleprompters. Didn't she have a big snafu with a teleprompter in the past? She did, yeah. I mean, she wrote shit on her own goddamn hand. Well, no.

Do you remember the one where her brain just short-circuited? Where she was just trying to give a 20-minute speech, and she couldn't do it? It was called Today, the thing we're listening to. The selfie sticks and the Greek columns and all that hopey-changey stuff. And he heads on back to Chicago, where I'm sure he can find some community there to organize again. That's go back to your fucking place boy yeah what that is is like you got a porch to be at right exactly get there that is that is some fucking just barely hidden straight races there he can finally look up president obama will be able to look up and there over his head, he'll be able to see that shining, towering Trump Tower.

Yes, Barack, he built that. And that says a lot. He paid people to build a building that happens all the time. It's not like fucking he laid a single brick on that thing i mean really that that doesn't mean anything it just means he had the money to buy fucking materials and hire a crew it it's it's like when somebody shows up and they're proud of something they purchase it's like people any like fucking anybody would sell that to you it's like when somebody's like did you see my fancy car It's like they'd sell it to a rapist.

It means nothing. It means nothing about you. The thing is, if I'm going to do that, I may as well just show you my W-2. Right. Right? It's a dick measuring move. Iowa, you say a lot. Being here tonight, supporting the right man who will allow you to make America great again.

God bless you. God bless the United States of America. God bless the United States of America. God bless the United States of America. United States of America. And our next president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. Never. They sucked that up, though. Yeah, they ate that shit up.

They ate that shit up. That's it. They're going to be like, yeah, I'm casting my vote for that horrible man they ate that shit up that's it they're gonna fucking they're gonna be like yeah i'm casting my vote for that horrible fucking deplorable monster up there yay rich people have my best interests in mind okay all right it's funny too because you think about it you're like okay here's what we're talking about let's get the money out of washington let's get the money out of washington they can buy their votes they can do it this guy is literally the embodiment of that right like he's literally the embodiment of someone who buys votes these guys could not vote against their best interests in any more concentrated fashion right

than to vote for this fucking guy right it's like they could actually vote for a platform called nuke iowa and they'd be like, yay. So that's going to wrap it up for this week. Uh, we want to thank, all our patrons as usual. And, uh, and we will be back next week and we're going to leave you like we always do

with the skeptics. Creed credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment. Leo, Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts,

shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. Conclusive. Doubt even this. We'll see you next time. you