Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 281: Alright, Grease Up Jefferson!

Episode Date: March 7, 2016

Thanks to Jake from IFS for visiting with us:   1:12

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey, it's Big Rob from Texas calling again. Just want to say hi to Cecil and the other guy. Just want to let you guys know, love what you're doing. Please don't stop doing it. Which are two things no woman has ever said to me. I want to do a little fact check on your latest episode. I heard the part about how the Catholic Church was kind of opposed to the Girl Scouts because of their worldly ways and what have you, you know, with all the cookies and whatnot. You know, you got to do the full story. I did a little research on it. Apparently, you got the first

half correct. However, the Catholic Church is, for some reason, I'm not sure why they didn't say, but they're fully endorsing the Boy Scouts, the Vienna Boys Choir, as well as Suite Life with Zack and Cody, whatever that's about. So, you know, don't want to read into that too much. Glory Hole, keep up the good work, fellas. Stay black. hole. Keep up the good work, fellas. Stay blessed. Hey, Tom and Cecil. This is Jeremiah from No Collision Required.

I'm right now in Colorado, you know, one of those swing states doing the caucus. It's getting dark. It's going to take a long time. And, you know, I don't know who's going to win, but everybody does know now listening.

But as of now, it's an hour away, but it's shaping up to be long and the sun's going down. It's just going to be a long, black caucus. But I hope you guys are doing well. Glory hole. Bye. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in. Actually, this is the alternative. This is Glory Hole Studios Lite. This is. This is Diet Watered Down Lite Glory Hole Studios.

Also, it is still in Chicago. It is still. It is still in Chicago. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 281, and we are joined by the inimitable Jake Farwharton of the imaginaryfriendsshow.com podcast.

Yay! That's true. Did I get it right this time? No, no, no, you got it. Hey, I've got to say, it's been about eight months since we spoke last, and Tom, you've got really sexy sounding. Honestly, I was ridiculously heavily turned on while you were giving that introduction.

It's actually crazy. Are you single right now? Tom, what are you doing after the show? As luck would have it, Jake. As luck would have it, indeed I am. So if you would like to fly your happy little ass over from Australia, I can show you what for, good man. I guess what I'm saying is, I'll have sex with your butt, Jake.

That's what I'm saying. No, that's gross. That's gross. He's Australian. You'll have it with his front butt. I'm not into that. I'll just fuck you in the face. That's all I'm saying.

As long as we got that cleared up. We're glad to have you, Jake. Welcome back. Welcome back, buddy. I feel welcome. Hey, I've already been, what is it now, two minutes? And I've already been offered sodomy and some face fun. So that's great.

Hey. Some face fun. Face fun. I feel so welcome. I was thinking today, I was wondering how many times we have been on each other's shows and i know the answer is too many like there is you don't you don't actually need to care it doesn't need a number the answer is too many it's fucking it's too many and it's the fucking last one that's what it is good good let's be out of it about this oh that's good that actually takes all the pressure off because that way i could just do

an awful dismal job and it was always going to be my last wait well wait wait wait wait wait wait we were gonna do a different kind of job we know what this snake is when we pick this up we invited you on the show because we were hoping you would be as dismal as you normally are thank goodness did you suddenly get better and yeah but he told us oh it's easy to limbo underneath that bar yep no i like that yeah i excel when the bar is low that's my hello could you go pretty goddamn low pretty fucking low but no matter how low we fall this is what we call a segue in the business no matter how low we fall we still we still manage to just be so much better than certain individuals at at least, you know, morally, conceptually, just in general, all around.

Yeah, absolutely. Are you talking about the first story where we're talking about Adam Rieks? Is that the first? Yeah, no joke. He looks exactly like this pastor. What's his name? I can't recall. He looks.

His pastor, Adam Rieks? Pastor Adam Rieks. That's him. God damn, this guyieks. Pastor Adam Rieks. That's him. God damn, this guy looks exactly like Adam. Pastor Steven Anderson. Pastor Steven Anderson. He's got a congregation of about a dozen and a half. Yeah.

You can buy more eggs in one container than this guy can get to show up to his hate church. Yeah. You know you're a fucking big goddamn deal when you are only getting 17 people fucking 17 asses in seats and you're still videotaping that like that's the height of fucking narcissism right that's like yeah that's like videotaping yourself masturbating when you can't even get hard like it's so i better stop doing that if that's wrong then i'll just stop. Oh, no, no, no. He didn't say it was wrong.

He didn't say it was wrong. He just said it's wasteful. Just stop sending me the videos, all right? I've seen it so many times. That's fair. Oh, but the video quality, I mean, it's really good. And great cinematography. I don't know who your writer is, but wow.

We need to have a real, real, real, real, real big zoom lens in order to see it. Yeah, talk about Oscars so white, am I right? That shit needs some sun. How'd you know I called it Oscar? Because it barks, just like a dog. Well, it is kind of a grouch. Lives in a garbage can. And I'll fuck a garbage can, right?

That's it. Well, this story comes from the Friendly Atheist blog over at Patheos. A Christian pastor defends slavery because the Bible condones it. This fucking guy we've had on our show by playing his hate-filled garbage a number of times. And this guy's got some shit to say about slavery and the Bible and about not thinking real hard. Yeah. This clip that you sent has been viewed 1,200 times on YouTube. It's been viewed at least 100 times by us, I think. Yeah. I dare say that's all atheists. And if you read the comments, it pretty well looks like that. I mean, the guy starts off by saying, basically, 100% of the Bible is true, and everything that you believe needs to be consistent with the Bible.

And if you believe something that is not in the Bible, and if you believe something that is inconsistent with the Bible, you need to change so that you can be 100% in lockstep with the Bible. So he gets off to a really great start is what I'm trying to say. It's just like real consistent with reality there. And then he goes on to effectively, so he takes a little bit of time, a little bit of finessing. It's sort of a little bit of foreplay, sort of slowly working you into the mood, just lightly caressing your belly as he works lower and lower. And eventually he drops that really sexy bomb.

You can't caress my belly. Wait a minute. First you need to get one of those jacks, those hydraulic jacks, just to lift my belly off the ground. I wouldn't even notice a light caress. I would just assume it was the fucking grease dripping off of me. What the fuck kind of foreplay do they do down in Australia? Fucking somebody's like lightly caressing your belly. He's talking about

fucking an alligator. Yeah, well, look, if you're trying to get into the cloaca, you really do need to lightly caress that belly. It's not easy. You need what's on the inside on the outside first. Yeah, so it's and then he just drops this bomb and basically says,

well, you know, the Bible condones slavery, and as a consequence, I kind of believe in slavery because I believe that the Bible is 100% consistent. So it's really quite interesting. I've got to say off the bat that he's wearing a polyester tie from what appears to me to be a polyester cotton blend shirt. Right, right. He's also talking on a lectern that is made of composite materials. Wait, hold on a second.

Hold on a second. Hold on a second. He's talking at a lectern that appears to actually be constructed from refuse. Look at it. It looks like it came off the Beverly Hillbillies truck. I'm being serious. It is a piece of actual garbage. Sanford and Son would pass this up

and not take it to the junkyard. This is, it's like constructed of firewood after you burned the firewood. It's actual garbage. He's got a lectern made of literal, actual garbage, and it's still the best thing in his church. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, I think the best thing in his church is that background that looks like the set of a place where pedophilia occurs. And is filmed. Mr. Grabby's Neighborhood? Yeah. Look, this guy is just sick. He is just sick. And it's not at all surprising that he's got a tiny little congregation there.

Penis. And the congregation are all old and sweaty. Oh, except for this. Old and sweaty? They do. They're all big and they're all large people. That's Americans. That's Americans. That's Americans, dude.

You're just confusing. Those are normal-sized people for over there. They're thin. Are you kidding me? These people are like marathoners. Hey, hey, I will not have that. I will not do that. An American marathon is on a moving walkway.

Everybody just stands on a peddler. We stand there and wait until we wait our requisite time to get off. He's still sweating bullets the whole time. This guy, in the beginning of his, or at the end of his speech, I don't know,

whatever, at one point throughout this diatribe of madness, though, he basically says, he's like, look, you might call that blind faith. He's like, but, you know, faith is what's required. And it's like, yeah, we get that, but that's why it's not virtuous, right? Because if faith gets me to the place where I'm looking

around and being like, yeah, I think we should own people. That's what I think we should. I just you know, faith says I should own human beings again. When you get to that point and you don't pause and say, wait a minute. Yeah. I'm people. What if somebody owned me?

I don't want that. Because everybody assumes in the slave master relationship. Sure. They're not going to be the slave. That they're not the slave. Exactly. Yeah. He's saying like, well, maybe we should have slaves.

Well, conversely, motherfucker, maybe you'll be a slave. Yeah. Because I'll tell you what. Well, conversely, motherfucker, maybe you'll be a slave. Yeah. Because I'll tell you what, if he and I fucking match up and one of us is going to end up the slave, it's not going to be me, Pastor Steven Anderson. I will point out from this way he talks about, well, the Bible says you can't sell a slave. Obviously, then, if nobody's selling, you can't buy the slaves either.

So that means you have to inherit them. So you just have heirloom slaves passed down from generation to generation that you will to people. Like, oh, no, when I die, I want you to have my slaves. You pass a person down generation to generation. Well, you can't buy and sell them. It's the only way to get them, right? It's just they're heirloom slaves. It's like the good silver. You're passing Pat Robertson on here, kids.

Take my slave. But again, it's another contradiction, you know, because he's talking about people going to slavery in biblical terms in order to pay off debts and such. So presumably, once they've worked off their debt, they're fine to go. So, look, he doesn't seem to realize that these contradictions exist This is a man who thinks the Bible's literally true I don't think he knows what the word contradiction means I don't know, he has a vocabulary on him It was quite interesting

You know, every time he said a word that was He said, you can't just go at this carte blanche And I thought, that is a remarkable word for an individual like this to be using. Yeah, but he meant a la carte. So he was just like, he just used it. He meant du jour. Right? What does the commandment du jour say?

You don't know how this works. You don't know what this was. This is not working for you at all. So if people were going to find your show, Jake, where would they look? Google. Imaginary Friends Show. We're changing our name very slowly. Wait, what?

Wait, hold on. Like, are you evolving over time? Is that how this works? Yeah, very slowly. One letter at a time. You're just changing it one letter at a time. Pretty much, yeah. It's Imag imaginary French shoe.

No, about six months ago, I made a commitment to change the name of the show from Imaginary French Show to Ingenious French Show. Just because, you know, I don't know. It was, I think we outgrew the name. It's important to change your branding. I hear people actually changing their name. It always works 100% of the time.

You know what's even more effective is if you say you're going to change the name and then don't do it. And then never do it. All right, well. Imaginary French show, Google it, you'll find it. Still imaginary French show. It'll get there. For the time being, thank you, Jake, for joining us. Until it eventually changes in 60 years.

I just do a reverse image search of his penis and that's how i find him so you're you're talking about his front butt jake thanks for joining us man thanks so much thanks bros in the name of jesus we speak that So this story comes from VancouverSun.com. Now, we don't typically cover stories out of canada because canada is as irrelevant as the stories that come from them but this story i think struck a chord uh for both of us or at least for me catholic hospitals wrestle with assisted death you don't have to wrestle with that it turns out because because the thing is is like the worst they're going to do is kind of push your hand away when you put the chloroform there but i think feebly slapping at the pillow that you're really wrestling yeah like a struggle is not a wrestle i don't

think if you're if you're in wrestling shape yeah assisted death is probably not you know it's not that's true that's true too i hadn't considered that so um but you know this is interesting so in in canada um evidently assisted death um which is a better name than assisted suicide. I never liked assisted suicide. It's got that stigma attached to it, which, you know, suicide is very stigmatizing. That's why using something like assisted death makes a lot of sense. I think end-of-life decisions and death with dignity is,

I genuinely feel like that's a human right. I know you do too. So that's why I grabbed this story. Because the Catholics don't think so, right? Like there's a strong disconnect where it's like, well, all life is precious. It's like, well, no, not all life is precious. If you wake up and you're like, what do I have to look forward to? Debilitating pain forever.

And by ever, we mean for like how long? How long? As long as it takes for me to die right right right yeah it's always it's always that and the thing is when you know it's when there's an incurable disease you know or that person who is just in pain their whole life and they're just like i just like this to stop is there a way we can just get this to quit you know that sort of thing those are the people that we're looking at here it's not just i feel a little depressed today right it's not can i take my fucking quietus and go out you know what i mean like it's not it's not that right it's instead it's it's you know this is an end-of-life decision for me and i

always it would always shocks the shit out of me and always sort of just i don't know it just seems like such a fucking giant lie that there's a, you know, the Republicans are against this. Right. But they're always this, you know, oh, small government, small government, small government. You can't get more big government than telling me whether or not I need I have to live. You know what I mean? And really what they're saying is how much pain you are allowed to suffer. Exactly. Before you go out. Yeah. This is the the, and in their book, it's all the pain. Yeah, unlimited. It's literally all the pain.

Until your body stops the ability to feel it. And we've talked about this before and we've said it before. It's not that you can't kill yourself. It's just that you can't kill yourself in a very controlled, easy way like they can help you die. Instead, it's I've got to eat a gun barrel. Right. So it's the most horrifying way you can think to go, oh, yeah, I've got to jump in the fucking – in that vat of iron like they do at fucking Terminator or whatever in order to kill myself. A molten lead bath.

Exactly. Yeah. Right? Yeah. You know, you can always, you know, grab your shotgun and fucking end it in the most traumatizing way possible for your family that finds you and the terror and the horror and the pain of the death. Or they've got to scrape my fucking corpse off of the car or whatever they've got to do.

And you've got to call the assist people, the aftermath dudes who come out. Like they kill your whole house. Fucking biohazard your home because fucking grandpa had a case of the dying. That's ridiculous. When I go out, I've thought about this like when i go out i hope very much that you know whoever is unfortunate enough to be my partner at that time will respect that i don't want to go out screaming in agony like flailing at the walls trying desperately you know for one

last breath that's not yeah i have no interest in that like i'd rather go out with dignity i'd rather go out with like a little shred of my self-respect i in that. I'd rather go out with dignity. I'd rather go out with a little shred of my self-respect. I'd rather just not go out at all, to be perfectly honest. But when it's fucking time, if it's like, well, you've got locked-in syndrome, it's like, I don't want that.

That's not how I would like to pass out of this world. And then you start counting down the days until you fucking axe yourself. Right, exactly. Because that's how I would look at life then, you know, because there's, you know, there are times that people are, they're in serious need of this. And the fact that what's happening here is the Catholic, the Catholics are saying, no, you can't do that sort of thing. You can't do that. Because again, like you said, they do that all life is precious garbage, right? That, you know, yeah, all life

is precious until you're alive, and then we don't care about you until you're ready to die. Right. You know, it's like the birthing. We totally cool up until that point. Once you're birthed, now you're a burden on, you know, all the society until what you're not anymore. Yeah. Well, you know, it's so

what strikes me, too, is crazy here is it's like, you know, what they want to do is they want to tell you, like,. Yeah. Well, you know, what strikes me too is crazy here is it's like, you know, what they want to do is they want to tell you like all life is precious, but what they're also saying is that there is value in suffering, right?

The Catholics love that shit. Catholics love their suffering. They are fucking suffering fetishists. Yeah. And the people who, you know, are most on the side

of this nonsense, they're probably not in crippling, lifelong, debilitating pain. Turns out it's always those people. Right? Yeah.

So it's sort of like, well, fucking easy for you to say. Yeah. Like, oh, you know, I think you should just, you know, try to live every moment as if it were precious. Like, really? Because your nerves aren't on fire all day. Sure. Yeah.

Or fucking, yeah, you can actually stand up. Right. That's awesome. Yeah. You're not shitting yourself for the next 10 years. Yeah. It is just insanity, but we're on the course of insanity. And if we do this, there is a judge in heaven,

and that judge in heaven is going to take vengeance against those who damage Israel. That's what the Bible says. Don't touch them, though he who touches you touches the apple of my eye. You're sticking your finger in God's eye. That's what the Bible says. This story comes from timesofisrael.com. Cruz's evangelical backer seeks to convert Jews, predicts new concentration camps. Because that's the way to win a Jew's heart, is to predict new concentration camps.

Forget, you know, the old adage, like, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. It's like, oh, the way to a Jew's heart is through Auschwitz. Wait, Jews have hearts? Tiny black ones. Filled with gold coins. Racist! You're racist!

I guess so. Alright, so let's play this clip. This is Bickle. His name Todd Bickle? Mike Bickle. His name, Todd Bickle? Is that it? Mike Bickle. Mike Bickle. Mike Bickle. This guy, by the way, is the founder and director of IHOP, the International House of Prayer.

Yeah. Not to be confused with the International House of Pancakes. Yeah. So if you go there expecting boys and girls. I've asked God for a Rudy Tutti Fresh and Fruity on so many different levels. Doesn't, no? How does that work? No.

I've never gotten one. Just keep asking. Eventually someone's going to say yes to you. I have had my face covered with cream while I was on my knees once. So I think that's, is that close? That's close. I just coat myself in boysenberry syrup and hope for the best. Like, just come on, lick it off.

There are so many Bible verses on this, it is staggering. Paragraph D. Paragraph D? What are we reading, a tort law book? Paragraph D, subsection three, paragraph D. It's a difficult subject. But it's one that is mostly ignored

by the body of Christ. Because it's crazy. The idea that Israel's condition before Jesus' second coming, paragraph D, is described in Scripture as being in prison camps. Not all of Israel, but a significant number of Jews will be in work camps, prison camps, or death camps. Will be? Sounds fun.

Will be? That's what he's saying. Weren't they? They were. Well, but not in Israel, right? I guess not. I think that's the thing. Didn't happen the first time. It sounds to me like he's not saying Israel

in the sense that it's a country, though. He's talking about Israel, the sort of concept of a Jewish community. Yeah, that nation, that Jewish nation that sort of is Israel. Paragraph Roman numeral four. Paragraph Roman numeral four? Wait, why is it relevant that it's a Roman numeral?

Why couldn't you just go paragraph four? Well. Paragraph Arabic number four. What? What? Paragraph Braille D. Satan's rage. Oh, Satan does not want this to happen.

He wants to exterminate the Jewish people. That's a strong word. I don't like saying that word. Nobody likes He wants to exterminate the Jewish people. That's a strong word. I don't like saying that word. Nobody likes hearing things like exterminate the Jewish people. Do you know why? I would say that there are some people. Okay, fair enough. That like to hear that.

Decent people. Okay. And the reason there, Mike Pickle, Mike Pickle Pickle, is that somebody already gave that a hell of a whirl. They really gave it. They fucking really gave that the college try. They put the fucking power to that. My goodness. You monster.

Jeez. They had a lot of people working on it. They really did. It was a big project. It was nearing completion. Goodness gracious. When I say it, it kind of gives me a terrifying feeling when I say that. But it has to be said.

But God says, I'll gather all the nations to battle against Jerusalem. The city will be taken. Jerusalem will be taken? Yeah, I guess. Is there a sieging force that's going to like... Don't you remember the last time they all tried to take Jerusalem and then it lasted seven days and Jerusalem was like,

no, fuck off. And that was it. I do remember that. Like all the nations of the world? Like why would all the nations of the world get together and be like, let's fuck up Israel? Like what the fuck would we do that for? Especially when they have powerful allies, right?

Right. Well, no, but they wouldn't in this circumstance because otherwise it wouldn't be all nations of the world. Oh, that's true. Right? Well, maybe we're not a nation at that point, though. Maybe not. Then we're super far away from this event. Maybe we're a rogue nation.

Beloved, there it is. The city will be captured by the nations. And it says half of the city, there's 600,000 Jews living in Jerusalem now. And if that's, you know, I don't know what the number will be then. But according to the numbers now, that would be 300,000 brought into prison camps from one city. My suspicion is that if Israel is fighting the entire world, they're going to have less people. I mean, I'm just throwing that out there. I'm just throwing it out there. Maybe it's like seven of them at that point. That's it, right?

Because you just got done fighting the whole world for your very existence. I don't care how many missiles we've given them. Here's the thing, right? Like, this is an existential battle at this point, right? It is literally a battle for your existence. If you fail in this endeavor, you're fucked. You're just like, who's on our side? Cricket, cricket, cricket. All right. Literally, everybody gets on our side? Cricket. Cricket. Cricket.

Alright, literally everybody gets a gun. Give a baby a gun. We don't care. We are strapping pregnant women with fucking hand grenades. We can't use that baby. Throw that baby. Throw the baby as hard as you can. We'll dip it in lead first. Put it in trebuchet. We don't care. Trebuchet babies. 300,000

Jews. All the people groups of the earth will be mad if you take a stand on what God says because it is politically incorrect. That's insane. It's very true. It's very true. It's what we talked with Jake about. Is that it would be politically incorrect. It's politically incorrect.

Like owning other people. Owning people is politically incorrect. That's just a minor. It's politically incorrect. It's like one of those things like at a cocktail party where you're like, yeah, so I've got some people slaves. I don't know. Anyway, it's exterminating Jews. Nobody invites you back to that cocktail party ever, unless it's a Republican fundraiser.

And I give a number of examples in paragraph D as to the extremes. A lot of Israel is going to get converted, but a lot of Israel is going to worship the Antichrist. Wait, what? Which is which? I don't even understand which is which. He's saying they're going to be converted to Jesusism or whatever? Yeah, I think they're going to be converted to Christianity, right?

And then the other half are also going to be Christians, because as we talked about, you cannot worship the Antichrist if you're not a Christian. Yeah. As an atheist, I cannot worship the Antichrist. I would no longer Christian. Yeah. It's like... I can't... As an atheist, I cannot worship the Antichrist. I would no longer be an atheist. I would have to stop

believing that whole set of dogmatic garbage that is the Bible and all the fucking characters of absurdity that are supposedly in it. Maybe the Antichrist and Christ are like physics and metaphysics. You know? Where they can kind of coexist. Where they can... In separate magisteria. Exactly. A lot of Israel is going to have revival.

A lot of Israel is going to fall away. Don't even know what that means. Yeah, the thing is, it's like... It's going to have revival and the rest is just falling away. What he's saying is he's saying a lot of it. Okay, well, that's not really... I don't really know what that means. It doesn't mean anything.

It's like looking at the sky and being like, well, it's going to rain like hell. It's going to pass over. Yeah, it's going to do something, maybe something else after that. Okay, it's going to do one or the other, or the other dude yeah well you know what the weather looks like gonna have some weather when uh the weather starts fuck off portions of israel would be supernaturally protected and portions of israel would die and go to prison camps oh it was the

best of times it was the worst of times fuck off can i have some more? The most offensive fact, paragraph D down the middle, Zachariah prophesied that two-thirds of the nation of Israel are going to be killed in the crisis. I thought it was halfsies. Weren't we at halfsies? We were halfsies a few minutes ago. What the fuck? We got.16 more people dying.

Now, absolutely nobody likes that. That's true. I don't think the people who... Although, to be honest, if you're trying to kill the Jews... Wouldn't you like that? I think you'd be like, high five, bro. Right? Oh man, we're exterminating Jews, but I feel real conflicted about it. I feel weird.

I read somewhere in some book that this is bad, but I don't remember what one it is. You've got like you're just standing there with like your fucking bayonet full of Jew babies. You're just like, ah, I feel so weird about this. Anyway. Stabby, stabby, stabby. Abortions for all. Very well.

No abortions for anyone. No abortions for anyone. Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others. This story is just fucking weird. It's from Right Wing Watch. Right Wing Pastor, legal abortions to blame for mysterious eagle deaths. So there was a news story that came out that on a Maryland farm, there were 13 eagles that were just found dead. And this dude, this pastor, Ricky Schiapparo,

he went online and this is what he had to say. He said, when I saw this story breaking, I saw so much symbolism in this for America. Let me explain. He said, when I saw this story breaking, I saw so much symbolism in this for America. Let me explain. The national symbol for America is the eagle and the 13 colonies founded in the 16th and 17th centuries. Both. Both?

Anyway, the national symbol for America is the eagle. It was declared independence in 1776 and formed the United States. The 13 were, then he goes ahead and lists them. And he says, is there a prophetic picture here? If so, what could it represent? We do know that the number 13 is a symbolic of rebellion and lawlessness. Oh, God. And then he quotes some garbage from the

Bible. It doesn't mean anything. But he does mention Nimrod. He does. So let me read what he quoted, because if anybody, here's the thing. If you read this, or rather if I read this to you and you think to yourself, hmm, that does make some sense. Smash whatever device you are listening to this on right now and bury yourself underground.

Just dig the deepest fucking hole you can find, if any of this makes sense. It says, to Nimrod the mighty hunter who was before the Lord, meaning he tried to take the any of this makes sense. It says, Oh my God. 13 represents all the governments created by men and inspired by Satan in outright rebellion against the eternal. Oh my gosh. America as a nation has continued to rebel against God through idolatry, legalized abomination, and the list continues. Legalized abomination?

The phrase Valley of Hinnom, or variation thereof, for fuck's sake, occurs in 13 places in the scripture. This is like Game of Thrones. The valley was the scene of the evil-inspired rites of the pagan god Moloch. Where were the White Walkers? Moloch was an idol god.

Are you continuing? Worshipped Phoenicians, which included child sacrifice or passing children through the fire. It is believed that idols of Moloch were giant metal statues of a man with a bull's head. Each idol had a hole carved out of the abdomen and possibly outstretched forearms that made a kind of ramp to get to the hole. A fire was lit in and around the statue. Babies were placed in the statue's arms or in the hole. Today, we don't see this in America.

Really? Oh, today we don't see that. But children are aborted daily by a practice of removing the child from the belly of its mother. So there we go. Oh, it's the same thing as like lighting a kid on fire? Yes.

Evidently, if you get rid of a clump of cells as big as an eraser head, that is identical to taking a baby and putting it in the fire. And that is why eagles die. And let's get all the way back. Full circle, motherfucker. Full circle. That's realistic. Reel it in.

Let's not forget where we started because here we go. Because 13 eagles. And that is why Jesus is sad for America. 13 eagles. 13 eagles died on a farm and that's the fucking message God sends to say stop killing a bunch of babies. If God is like,

man, I wish these guys wouldn't kill babies. What do I have to do? I killed 13 eagles. I don't even know. How could you send a more clear message about abortion than to kill 13 birds? And he didn't even spell out abortion with their corpses. Right. You know what I mean? He didn't even put like their little eagle corpses.

Well, y'all, I thought y'all pick up. I want to put him down. You know, he turned to the eagles. He's like, give me an A. 13 eagles on a farm. And we're at Moloch. And what is happening? Nimrod.

You are watching the beginning and the birth of the New World Order. And you want to call me crazy? Go to hell. Call me crazy all you want. This story crazy, go to hell. Call me crazy all you want. This story comes from Right Wing Watch. Glenn Beck, God allowed Scalia to die in order to highlight the importance of electing Ted Cruz.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say Scalia allowed Scalia to die. I'm going to say Bacon allowed Scalia to die. There's a chunky monkey. He was. He's a chunky monkey. He was. He had a nice layer of subcutaneous fat. So here we go. This is Glenn Beck's show. It's not Glenn Beck, though.

Glenn Beck's calling into this thing, and it's some other asshole with a fucking skull on the table here. So this is some other asshole's show with Glenn Beck on it. I was listening to you guys, and I just wanted to say, Pat, I have, I think, an answer for you on that because I did the same thing I first thought. Okay, God, thanks. Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for that. And then I said the same thing. I remembered it was exactly the same thing that I felt when Sandy hit. exactly the same thing that I felt when Sandy hit. And I remember we were trying to go up and help campaign. And we thought the same thing then. Remember that? Yep, yep.

And Sandy hit, and we couldn't go up. We couldn't get any flights up. And then they were walking on the beach like two lovers. And I thought to myself, thank you. Thank you, Lord. I appreciate that. What is your plan? So I don't want to assume that I know his plan, but I will tell you this.

I thought when this happened, after I got past the thank you, I thought, you're welcome. I thought, when I thought thank you, then I thought, you're welcome. Because the conversation's entirely in your head. Exactly. You're both sides of the conversation. Man, the idea that God sent Sandy for some reason, for like Mitt Romney or something, to show that Mitt Romney needed to be elected. But there was a failure, right? Like, God sent Sandy to get Mitt Romney elected and then it didn't work.

Mitt Romney didn't get elected. Well, I don't know what else. It kind of stormed to send to get people to vote. I said hurricanes. I said maybe a blizzard. I don't know what storm equals candidate. I think God's just got to kill all the Democrats. That would be 100% effective.

He just has to kill the swing voters. Sure. All he has to do, he doesn't have kill all the Democrats. That would be 100% effective. He just has to kill the swing voters. Sure. All he has to do, he doesn't have to kill the Democrats. He just has to kill the undecided. He could basically kill Ohio and Florida. Maybe Pennsylvania. Yeah, sure. And that would be it.

And to be honest, none of that's a great loss. Nobody would know. Nobody would care. Nobody would even notice. I to be honest, none of that's a great loss. Nobody would know. Nobody would care. Nobody would even notice. I just woke the American people up. I took them out of the game show moment and woke enough of them up to say, look at how close your liberty is to being lost. You now have lost your liberty you replace one guy and you now have uh uh five four decisions

in the other direction that's how the supreme court works it turns out that's how numbers work that's how it works there's a nine people for a reason we do it so that there is no ties right yeah it's not like somebody cuts themselves in half and says, I will vote on this half. And then the other half of their body in their dying breath says, I will vote on this half. I won't the other. I abstain. Whatever. It's just ridiculous.

Justices are not Gordian knots. We're not slicing them in two to solve problems. It's like he's appalled at the idea that the balance of power even could shift, right? That the balance of power has momentum, that it moves, that it's variable. Like the very idea that like, oh my gosh, guys, what if, what if, what if we weren't in charge?

Every time. And just with this one guy, you've lost your liberty. What? You lose your liberty because of one vote? Yeah, I've lost my liberty. Didn't you lose yours liberty because of one vote? Yeah, I've lost my liberty. Didn't you lose yours? Give me a break, dude.

I'm not free. Are you free? I wasn't able to come to the studio today on my own volition. And also, are people suing someone over the liberty? How does it even get to them? Eagles. It gets there by eagles. It all goes by eagles. How does the Supreme Court judge on liberty? How does that work?

First, there has to's a case, right? First, there has to be a case. There has to be a case. So I have to, like, sue someone and say, you're not allowed to have liberty. It's Democrats against liberty is the case. And then Democrats versus liberty, and then they have to go work their way up through all the courts. Yeah, right. And then finally, they get to the end, and they say, okay, are we going to stand on the side of liberty?

Nah. Now there's five of us. We're good. Yeah, pass. Democrats, it us. We're good. Pass. Democrats it is. There you go. Tyranny for everyone. So you better elect somebody that's going to put somebody on.

Because for the next 30 years, if you don't, the Constitution, as you know it, Pat, you and I have said this for a long time. The Constitution is hanging by a thread. That thread has just been cut. Then it is not hanging. Because you cut the thread. If the thread was the thing holding it up, and you cut it... Your metaphor is kind of fucking face-fucked at this point, Glenn. That's not working. Yeah, that's not working.

That's not working at all. It's interesting that it's hanging by a thread. Yeah. Didn't you notice that we don't have a Constitution anymore? Yeah, a Constitution. People are like, hey, how do we decide these important questions? Like, I don't know. Do we have some kind of document that defines our-

Yeah, like a rule book? Yeah. Can we consult the rule book? Well, we could have, but somebody fucking dropped it. It was just hanging by that thread. Yeah, and there's no five-second rule. Yeah, right? Yeah, you're fucked.

Does anyone have a second copy? Anyone think to make a copy of this thing? Anyone even remember what it said no oh that's because we're all fucking stupid i don't remember what it said there's uh satan is a legal expert and as long as he has legal rights to be somewhere you cannot budge him i don't care who you are uh you can throw your coat at him or blow on him or whatever and he's not gonna go anywhere you've got to take away the legal grounds. That's what we're doing.

Brian Fisher is just fucking straight amazing. It's from Right Wing Watch. Brian Fisher says that every abortion is like food for demons. That's why I get abortions at Quiznos. It's in the sauce. I'll have an abortion ranch in Swiss. All right, here we go. It's Brian Fisher. Now, here's what I want you to understand here. He says,

look, when you sacrifice a child to an idol, you are sacrificing that child to demons. What if you don't have an idol involved? Or what if it's an idol and then you quickly replace it with a bag of sand? Then you gotta be careful from the photosensitive

traps that the Mayans had years and years and years before photosensitive was a thing. You gotta be careful of that, Tom. When they shoot out the poison darts out of the thing. And then you gotta dodge a boulder. Dodge an enormous boulder.

But get your hat. That's difficult. The fucking abortion doctor's like reaching back to grab his hat. He just grabs a baggie full of fetus parts. Just reaches up into her vagina, pulls his hat out. What he replaces, he takes the bag. He actually takes the bag full of fetus parts and replaces it with sand and then sells it to Planned Parenthood.

That's how it works. That's how it works. That is how it works. That's the word that's used right here in the scripture. I looked it up in the Hebrew lexicon. You know what that word demon means? It means demon. Totes demon, dude. That's awesome. Hey, you know what this word means?

Word. What are you talking about? It refers to an evil spirit. And the point that the psalmist is making is when a nation sacrifices innocent children in abortion or infanticide, that is a sacrifice to demons. It's like food for demons. Give me those babies. No, we just threw them in the biohazard bag.

Silly humans. Babies are for demons. It's kind of like demons walking around with a biohazard bag just like reaching in. It's just like fucking popcorn. It's like potato chips. It's delicious. For demons, using that expression metaphorically, what I mean by that is that act of the shedding of innocent blood, the most innocent among us, it empowers satanic forces.

It energizes satanic forces. It gives them the legal right to be at work. Wait a minute. The legal right? They are now concerned about their legal rights. It's a demon that gets off on baby death. I don't want to break the law. I can't jaywalk unless somebody eats a baby.

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take a second to give us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. This story also from Right Wing Watch. Get a brain, Michelle Bachman says. You first, sweetheart.

I know. That's why I grabbed this story. Fuck. She looks like the, like every fucking picture of her, she looks like, there's a concept called uncanny valley. I don't know if you're familiar with it. No. When you take an android and you make an android a simulation of a human face, there's a level at which it can look somewhat human but not completely human, and it creeps people out. That's called uncanny valley. When you look at something, you're like, it looks like a human.

And for a second, you're like, is that human? And then you're like, oh, that's not. That's not a human. That's like a fucking robot, like fucking suction machine. That's not a thing. She looks, when I look at a picture of her, especially in this, this still that they have, she looks like a fucking, like a fuck doll. Yeah. She's real doll freaky. She looks freaky, dude. She looks scary as shit. And so when you say, yeah, get a brain. Yeah. Fucking you first, sweetheart. You're like fucking, I mean, she's like a fucking android. First thing to do is get an attitude of competition.

Anything that says, I don't like competition, that's not biblical. You don't like competition and educational choice, that's not biblical. Wait a second. They had a voucher system in the Bible? Did he just say that if you don't like competition and educational choice, that's not biblical? Yeah, that's... They hadn't even invented the school systems. The idea that you're fucking, you're going to have a fucking competition.

A competition for what? You're all teaching the same book. It's the Bible. Do you remember that time when you read the Bible and it said, winning isn't the most important thing or whatever the fuck. Like it's like Lombardi's quote. Like it's not in the fucking, oh, now we shall read. It's like Lombardi's quote. It's not in the fucking, oh, now we shall read

from the book of Lombardi. Really? Really? I don't remember that at all. The book of Madden. See, in order to win, you got to score more points than the other team.

You open it up and it's just circled everywhere. It's just yellow pen. Somebody went through the whole Bible and yellow pen. Turkey with three legs went through the whole bible and yellow three legs somebody stuffed a quran in the bible and they wrapped it in the torah you don't like competition religion that's not built competition of religion is not biblical what i don't that doesn't even make any sense like what what other competing

religions are in the bible that they fucking say, hey man, you're fucking interested in Hinduism? Isn't the goal to convert all the people and to bring the word and salvation and all that shenanigans to literally all of the people? So if religion, if competition among religions is biblical and then you win and then you don't have that anymore, then is that unbiblical? Is like a religious monopoly then unbiblical and that and isn't that what he's arguing for in the front of what he said right compete let the winning one come out on top do that with economics do it political ideas you hear

two candidates debate measure the ideas just because it sounds good doesn't mean it works the fuck does that even mean just because it sound good doesn't mean it works. Measure the ideas? Okay, how the fuck am I going to do that? With an idea ruler, stupid. The idea scale. Don't you have an idea ruler? I have an idea scale. How many idea units? No, no, no. I don't ever measure by fucking volume

or length. I always measure by weight. Well, that's just more accurate. That's where I excel. If I measured by length, no way. Measured by weight, yes. That's my time to shine. The problem is that they have to wheel me onto those semi-scales in order to weigh me.

The truck zone? Yeah, the truck. Whenever I go down the highway, they have to attach one of those beeper things to me to make me go into those. The machine breaks trying to tear itself. It keeps on reporting a mistake. this is a mistake err i know that that's i didn't realize that you could transport a whole truck full of blue whales i didn't realize that was a possibility it seems like this truck has a truck on it i'm not sure does this truck have

its own gravity anyone ever wondered what the moon weighs? I got it right here, guys. Measure the ideas. So get into competition. That is a big thing that has to be done. Yeah, it's kind of like you could summarize it by saying get a brain. I mean, that's kind of what it is. Get a brain and figure out, don't you want to live better?

Yeah. Yeah, who wouldn't want to live better? Okay, so what do I have to do? Get a brain? Okay, so what are we talking about here? Don't you want to live better? Yeah. Yeah, who wouldn't want to live better? Okay, so what do I have to do? Get a brain? Okay, so what are we talking about here? Don't you want to live better? Okay, well, what? Are you going to help me live better?

Because clearly you haven't had the interest of anyone else in mind. Right. Well, here we go. Your entire fucking tenure as a House of Representatives person, you didn't have anybody else's best interest except for, like, special interest in mind. And the fucking far right and the anti-gay lobby that's all you had in mind well you know what train we're about to go down right the prosperity gospel train like this is the prosperity train yeah that's where we're headed it's the fuck the poor like oh you know why you're poor because

you're not working hard enough because you don't like competition because you're looking for handouts yeah that's the train i'm sure she's headed out let's see don't you want to be more prosperous don't you want to be happier don't you want to be more prosperous? Don't you want to be happier? Don't you want to be free? Don't you want poor people to do well? Don't you want to love your neighbor? If you want all those things, David, you would embrace competition

with both arms. Embrace competition with both your arms. What about the people, though, that have an unfair advantage? The fairness of the competition, the playing field that everybody starts off at, is never a part of these conversations. Instead, it's the intrinsic value of competition, right? It's like a platonic ideal of competition where it doesn't have any context. It doesn't have any of the real-world factors or considerations.

It exists in some sphere of enlightenment that isn't connected to the real world. And what's bullshit about the whole fucking idea of competition is that it's a fucking lie. I mean, look at what happened with fucking the too-big-to-fail banks. Look at what happened to fucking the Wall Street when they fucking needed to get bailed out. Fucking Congress was making it rain as soon as they snapped their fingers. You know what I mean? They're just like, yeah, we need it. Okay, here you go.

We don't even need to see your thong. Just fucking make it rain. You know what I mean? They fucking, they shat out fucking three quarters of a trillion dollars at them. Right. Because they didn't want to see that shit. That's not fucking, that's not competition. And small banks failed all across this country.

Small banks, community banks, they fucking shuttered their shit. Yeah. They failed and fucking the Fed came in and took them over. Nobody was handing them money like, oh, you're too small. You're too important. You're too community oriented, right? Like they just fucking failed to fail. Yeah.

They were fucking fuck off and fail. Turns out they were the perfect size to fail. Right? You'd want a biblical basis for your society, just like the pilgrims through their example gave us that they embraced for us. Just like George Washington and the founders, when they dedicated this nation to god at the inauguration the very first seconds of life of this country fuck off with your fucking hero worship of the founders and the pilgrims you know the pilgrims fucking were incompetent tits yeah that's what

they were they were incompetent i love the pilgrim story because you're just. That's what they were. They were incompetent. I love the Pilgrim story because you're just like, yeah, they were fucking assholes. They were religious assholes that got kicked out of their own land. Right. And they were incompetent boobs as far as their ability to actually like...

I mean, they kept trying to die. They would found something and then like fucking get wiped out by famine and disease and winter. It's just the winter, even. Winter. They were grossly incompetent. It's a fucking bad news bears story that they were able to fucking survive.

Our country is like the Mighty Ducks. And the other team is a bunch of dead Indians. Oh, God. We played against the Chiefs. We brought them blankets. Competition worked politically. Competition works in religion. Competition works in economics.

And competition is a foundation of freedom. Amen. Fuck you. None of that made any sense at all. She's saying, oh, well, you know, when they pledge to God, what the fuck does that have to do with competition? What, do they wrestle beforehand to decide which God to fucking choose? What fucking part of that is competition?

It doesn't even make any sense. I love the last one. They fucking play poker to decide which. Oh, no, it's going to be Xenu, guys. Sorry, I had the fucking ace of spades, it's going to be Xenu, guys. Sorry, I had the fucking... I had the ace of spades. It's going to be Xenu. Fuck, you get rid of all your Thetans before we create this nation? Everybody into the volcano.

Fucking idiot. All right, Jefferson. Grease up. We're wrestling. We're wrestling, Jefferson. Dude, I want to wrestle all the founding fathers. Jefferson, bring that hot slave. She's wrestling too.

City after city watching ordinances that say that your seven-year-old daughter, if she goes into the restroom, cannot be offended and you can't be offended if she's greeted there by a 42-year-old man who feels more like a woman than he does a man. This is also from Right Wing Watch. Pat Robertson, insane to discuss transgender rights while facing thermonuclear annihilation. Admittedly, if true, he's right. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yes. If we were actually facing thermonuclear annihilation like right now and we were discussing trans issues, I think you're right. You know what? Here's why I know we're not facing thermonuclear annihilation. Because no one has instructed me to get under the desk and cover my head. That's how I know I would be fine.

Would you cover your head with a bag? Well, I mean, most people do. Okay. They cover my whole body. They just put me in a giant canvas sack. It's just a burlap sack. It's more like a big top, but still. They'd put me in a giant canvas sack. This is a burlap sack. It's more like a big top, but still.

They treat you like an Amish girl. This is the one part you can see. Ladies and gentlemen, the Iranians. Oh, Jesus Christ. What just happened? Jesus Christ. What just happened? Did they just wake him up?

Wake up, Pat. He's on TV. They just poke him Ladies and gentlemen. Did they just wake him up? Wake up, Pat. He's on TV. Hey, just poke him with a stick. Get the Robertson poking stick. His chair has electrodes in it whenever they go live. It's like, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. They just defibrillate him so he can be back on camera.

Somebody reanimate Pat. We're going live in five seconds. No, we'll count it out. Yeah, press one, two, three. No, we don't have time for five. We're going live in five seconds. No, we'll count it out. Yeah, press one, two, three, four. No, we don't have time for five. We're going live now. Press one, two, three, four. ...are developing nuclear bombs.

The North Koreans have a thermonuclear device that they say they have exploded, and they have rockets capable of reaching, well, maybe as far away as the United States. Their rockets would be lucky to reach North Korea. North Korean rockets are fucking about as scary as a model rocket in my backyard. You know, the thing about this is when they start talking about shit like this, like so-and-so has a nuclear device, and you're like, yeah, that would be very devastating.

Let's say they had a nuclear device. Terrible.'s they say say they said over here and they blew some people absolutely it'd be really terrible they have a nuclear device a one device you kill a lot of people with one device you sure do it'd be. Then your entire country is a fucking wasteland because you detonated one device. Yeah, the thing is— It's not like—the retaliation is all of it. Yeah. We have enough to blow this entire world in half. We can detonate the whole world.

Plus, it's North Korea. No one's using it anyway. Like, no one. It's not like Saudi Arabia. I mean, I'm being kind of facetious, but not really. You know, it's not like it's Saudi Arabia, right, where it's like, oh, we don't want to blow all that up because we need the oil and we use the oil.

The thing is, nobody's using North Korea for anything anyway. They're not even using it to grow food, it turns out. Right. It's already garbage land. It's like the spot on risk you don't even put a soldier. You know what I mean? It's fine. Take Siam. So if North Korea

and it's not like they would shoot a rocket and be like, where did it come from? Did anyone notice where that rocket came from? It would be terrible. It would be a tragedy. The response would be annihilation. Nobody's doing that. It's a whole mutually assured destruction. There is some

crazy apocalyptic merit to that concept. There's nobody who, none of these countries first off can get the missile to where they want it to go anyway, right? So the idea that they're gonna let's say that Iran has something I don't think they do, but let's say they do, right?

Getting it to somewhere is going to be real, real fucking difficult. That's hard to secrete in Uranus. It's not a thing you can – You're just full of nuclear – like, oh, god, I've got all this fissionable material packed in my ass. Pretty much super dead as a result. And I had Indian last night. So it's like a thermonuclear reactor in there anyway. Oh, my God.

Give me some naan. I got to hold it back. Oh, God. I'll just eat some of that cheese they have. Anyway, the fact is that they have a single device. I mean, they just have one device. The idea that we're going to shit our pants over here and sit over here weeping until,

and you know, what is the fear tactic here anyway? What are you trying to scare me about? And the fact, and you know, what he's going to try to scare you about is that you shouldn't be talking about gay people. Right, that's the biggest non-sucker. That's what we're talking about? Right.

Like, oh, hey, North Korea could have a nuclear device. Don't remember gays exist. Okay, bro. You can't put your penis in a dude because North Korea has a bomb? Like, uh, wait, what? I don't know what that has to do with my penis at all. The Shia

and Sunnis in the Middle East are getting ready to go to a major war. We are facing thermonuclear annihilation. And what are we debating in America? What are we debating? Where a little kid goes to the potty. I mean, this is nuts.

I agree. We shouldn't even be having the conversation. It's a dumb conversation to have. Kids should go to the bathroom in a bathroom that makes them comfortable where they're at. Exactly. It's a little kid. Who gives a shit? I know. It exactly a little kid who gives a shit i know a little kid little kid especially mom i want to go to the bathroom a fucking thing go to the bathroom who cares just don't shit your pants it's all anybody in this

house cares about when your kid was young went in the bathroom with your wife i'm sure yeah i mean like of course he just goes in the bathroom with whoever the parent is that can take him to the bathroom no he went to the bathroom almost 100 of the time with my wife because the women's room was going to be cleaner and more likely to have a changing station. Well, there you go. Men's rooms almost never have a changing station. Well, that makes sense then. Absolutely nuts. I mean, it is crazy.

And a little child, how does he or she know? I mean, it is crazy. And a little child, how does he or she know? You know, they say so much of this is sociological, that there is something that is just impressed on some kid and they grow out of it. And you never know who's what. I mean, this whole thing is insane. And for the United States of America to put the power of the federal government and all of its money and resources behind this transgender movement, it is just nothing short of insanity. Well, they don't have to use all their money and resources. The idea that they're using any resources at all is fucking, it's appalling. Here's the thing. They're not using anything, man man but if i go buy a coke

it doesn't take all of my money and resources right i can go do i'm able to do more than one thing that's the wonderful thing about having money and resources is that i'm allowed to have more than one thing to focus on sure this fucking nonsense where it's like oh we can only worry about one thing at a time or we can only worry exclusively about the biggest thing, and we can't worry about other things. We can't have more than one priority. We can't have a hierarchy of priorities. We can't have different people working on different things. Does he think we only have six people in the whole government? They're just like, oh, what are you working on? Well, we were going to work on thermonuclear annihilation, but this little boy wants to go potty. And you ask yourself, when do we get free from this nonsense?

But it gets worse and worse and worse. This is liberalism run amok. Well, you wind up asking yourself, what's really behind it all? I mean, it's a cultural revolution that I think has been happening gradually for decades. I mean, it's a cultural revolution that I think has been happening gradually for decades. Well, they have same-sex dormitories in colleges now. And, you know, you've got women who used to, they didn't put them in combat. Now they're in combat.

Now the generals are saying, okay, let's have a general draft and let's draft women into the armed forces. Let's blur all the lines. This is feminism. Wait, we got off of that into feminism? Here we go. Here we go. He was all fucking worked up about the lady draft before, like we talked about. There's not going to be any draft.

There's not going to be any draft. What kind of thing is this? Women used to be honored. They used to be protective. The Bible says give honor to the woman is the weaker sex. I mean, we're supposed to give honor to our wives. Now, you've taken away that honor because they want to put them in the trenches along with the troops. Well, I've been in the trenches.

I know what it's like, and I know what some of the— Well, some people argue you haven't actually been in the trenches there, big guy. Yeah, turns out his war record is pretty exaggerated because it sounds like he was protected by his father for actually serving. But I think the thing is that he should probably try to sue that guy. Which he did and lost, right? No, he lost and then he had to pay the guy's lawyer visa. Yeah. So it turns out maybe the trenches, not your thing. Although

he is old enough to have fought in World War I. It's true. Yeah. And it looks like he has trench mouth. Problems develop and the fact that there's so many pregnancies on battleships that have these COVID arrangements. Don't you

guys love babies? Don't they fucking love babies now we're all the way to babies on battleship but i mean seriously like like wait you're in the army you sunk my baby r9 that's how they abort out they just they just lay them all on the deck and then you got a machine gun it right out of there oh yeah no it doesn't i mean it hurts a little the jet comes down it catches him with that cable it stings it's a stinger yeah they don't let you do that anymore but it catches it with the cable it just pulls it right out doesn't even slow the jet down not at all at all it's just for show yeah it's not unnecessary at all it's just that they don't even know how to use this much force anymore it's like a blue

angels abortion that's a tricky air maneuver oh it's a blue demon no but so the thing is is like we love don't i thought first off they love babies i don't know why they would be so mad about babies but you know we're talking about how there's there's a co-ed so he doesn't like women in the military he clearly doesn doesn't like women in the military. He clearly doesn't like gays in the military. I guess you're just not allowed to... Be in the military? Well, be in the military and touch it.

You want answers? I think I'm entitled to them. You want answers! I want the truth! You can't handle the truth! This story is from the Raw story. And here's what I like about this. I got to tell you guys why I picked this story. Because we've all heard like and it's it's become like a trope it's ridiculous right they're like oh nobody we all thought the mass murderer who lived next door was such a nice guy

he used to sit on the back patio cleaning his guns and muttering to himself a dog that he used to beat every day it was adorable right yeah you know it's like they would just be like god we didn't know that that guy kept like seven women in his basement. Exactly. But this fucking title of it is, Everybody Knew! Neighbors Not Shocked After

Ohio Pastor Charged With Raping Parishioners. A southern Ohio pastor was indicted of a dozen or more than a dozen charges of felony sex assault against two girls and a woman. When they interviewed the neighbors, the neighbors were like, yeah, everybody in the neighborhood knew what was going on. It's like, what the fucking way did a neighborhood watch?

I know. And you didn't tell anyone? Like one of the worst neighbors ever. He's kind of tapping his wife as he's looking out the curtains. I think he's raping another one tonight. Look at that one. I think he's raping her again. Well, he did spray paint on his garage door.

Busy raping. Come back later. He drove around in a black van. And it wasn't like a black regular. It was like a matte black van. It's like fucking stealth paint. It's like one of those vans. He actually had a license plate that said i be raping yeah so here's what some of the neighbors said it just didn't look proper him

setting up on top of those little girls as he was driving i've got daughters and when they ride my vehicle they sit on the passenger side yeah that's how that happens seriously the neighbors are just like seriously he seems to be fucking somebody in his car that's not how i drive a car like what is wrong with you like is it did this only take place in fucking lead waterville like we're just like looking around we don't brain smart i can't even understand that's amazing amazing. What is wrong with Ohio? What I love about it, though, is the fact that they're the whole time are just like, yeah, we totally knew it was going on. And we knew and we didn't say anything. Didn't seem right. And he was constantly, you know, had, you know, his whole front lawn was just strewn with bloody panties.

Oh, God. You know, there was a lot of a lot of locks of human hair. He's constantly had scratches all over him. He's got a wind chime of bones in his front yard. And used condoms that just hang there. They use condoms when they blow in the window. They kind of make those forking sounds, like fork, fork, fork. Yeah.

But, you know, I mean, I guess they knew the whole time. They knew the whole time. They knew the whole time. They're just like, eh, whatever. We didn't think it was pertinent. There's some really great names, Tom, in the upcoming Patreon this month. I really, I'm just, there's so many good ones. But we want to

thank all of our patrons, of course, all the patrons that we had before and all the new patrons this, uh, we are at this point, um, trying to get out of this studio. And I, and I know we had said we have a pastor Manning show and we are going to put that pastor Manning show together. We reviewed the clips tonight for that show, but we didn't record it. And we actually are waiting until we get into a new place. This is our last month here, so it's going to happen within this month sometime. We are going to release that show, but we just haven't had an opportunity to put it together yet, and I want to make sure it's really good. Yeah, absolutely.

And so far, the shows here have been difficult to record, and I want to make sure it's fun to record. So we're going to do that at a different location, hopefully at the new studio. Maybe we can even christen the new studio with a patron-only show that is Pastor Manning based. But we're hoping it's going to be out in the next month, so we want to thank everybody, especially who's come on

in the last month. There's been a great groundswell of support. Thank you so much for all the donations you guys give us. You're going to make our trip possible this year to QED. That's the reason why we're going to be able to go to QED, is because of the patrons. Absolutely is.

So we're going to thank all of our brand new patrons. We're going to thank Trent, Dave, I like this one, Darth Revan, Dark Lord of the Sith. And I like that he went with Darth Revan rather than just Revan, because Revan in the in the in the story is not he's not as cool as he was when he was Darth Revan. He just gets his ass kicked by the emperor. So it's not really he's not. Darth Revan is where it's at, in my opinion. Tom's eyes have glazed.

It's so funny because Tom's eyes have glazed over and he's fucking read all the Harry Potter books. He's looking at me like that i just don't the best part is is that darth revan is followed up by jason vorhees who's the next the very next patron nocturnal emission that's good that's another good one elizabeth audrey maria ellis michael stefan or steven i always do that because i don't Audrey, Maria, Ellis, Michael, Stephan, or Stephen. I always do that. I don't know what you have. I don't know. I always do that because I always think it looks like Stephan because S-T, I don't know.

The P-H always sounds like it. It's just spelled wrong. Yeah. Randall, Ann, Garrett, Spencer, Mr. Pikes, Carter, Michael, and the one that was just a few moments ago just before we started recording munchamacoochie so thank you all so very much seriously for your generous donations we really do appreciate it tom i know we got some very generous paypal donations this week we did we had uh just a couple of massive paypal donations that were just terribly kind.

Remember, PayPal is another way to donate to the show. You can go to DissonancePod.com and find a link to donate on our website. One of the PayPal donations we got was from Richard. Richard, buddy, you asked us to give a shout-out to your girl, and then you don't tell us who your girl is. So this is a shout- out to Richard's girl. No, no, no. This doesn't count.

Let's wait. Let's wait. Richard, tell us who your girl is. Yeah. And then we'll do that. And then we'll shout her out. We'll shout her out. Yeah.

We're willing to. Mostly Cecil. Yeah, look. Mostly Cecil. We also got a big donation from Michael. Michael, thank you. Clearly we can be bought. So, yeah.

We can. Yeah. We can be bought at the low, low price of thank you for your donation so we got a message uh this is fucking awesome we got a message that had an msnbc or an msn article which which actually had a video on it um that talked about ken ham and his giant fucking boat dude it's insane and this is from jeff and jeff basically sent this along and he's like i really doubt that they would fucking float ah so do i i looked at that they got tyvek sheets on there they look fucking tyvek maybe they were nautical tyvek yeah that's true maybe they wrapped it

jack they wrapped it all in a giant jewel bag what do you know about nautical tyvek don't you remember when noah built an ark with tyvek and a crane and a crew of hundreds of people i love the crane too that makes it that makes it to me it feels awesome because there's a crane you're just like yeah that fucking ship is enormous and one dude lifting these giant timbers by himself somehow he had his family yeah he had his family it's like it's like if you it's like he also had like a whole horde of slaves or something you ever try to get your kids to do anything with you? Remember helping your dad? Like, fuck, he didn't even want to hold the flashlight.

My wife and I can't even put an Ikea couch together. Are you kidding me? And it comes mostly assembled. I just have to put the legs on it. It's just a fist fight. I give up and I break it with an axe and throw it away. I don't want the floor again anyway. That's what you

do with ikea furniture ikea furniture is custom designed to test relationships that's what it's it's like over in sweden they're just like let us put this together watch the american suffer i don't know why they sound like that but they do they don't sound anything like swedes but that's interesting okay so we got a message from paul and Paul says, hey, why haven't you guys done Florida yet? Basically, like, why haven't you roasted Florida? And the thing is, is, like, the reason why we haven't even talked about Florida is because it's so disgusting and awful that it doesn't even – it can't even merit mention on the show. But the thing is, too, that you have to hold something in reserve for your very last episode ever. Right? Like we want to go out on top and to discuss Florida,

Florida, the infected dripping wang of this country. Exactly. To discuss that prematurely would be, I mean, we may as well just cancel the show and I'm not ready to cancel just yet. We still have one more studio to burn through. Tom, you love this. This

came from Andrea. Andrea sent us 27 things Ted Cruz definitely looks like. I thought this was great. This is from Distractify. And some of these are a lot funnier than others. I particularly like 19. It's a picture of Ted Cruz as compared to Kevin from

The Office. I think that's just a riot there's also one where it compares him to howdy duty which is pretty good number 12 is just a tweet that says ted cruz looks like he has an adult diaper fetish i hope that's one of you guys i hope that's one of you guys it's a it's a it's a certified person by the name of jason carp who has a lot of followers well maybe, maybe Jason Karp also listens to us. Let's hope that's true. It's funny. Yeah.

But this is a really neat article. We'll put it on the notes this week. This is episode 281. Tom, we got a message from Kristen. Looked like she might have had an uncomfortable two-hour ride with her mom. Uncomfortable is one way to put it. Let me read this. Long-time listener.

First-time caller? Typer? I'm currently on a trip to a sewing convention. Yes, there is such a thing as an atheist seamstress. With my 65-year-old mother, another liberal skeptic like myself, we had a two-hour drive, so I decided that an introduction to cognitive dissonance was in order.

What made you decide that? Who is putting this show on in the car with another person? This is a shame show. This is a shame show. This is a show where you hide under your blankets with your flashlight, and you listen, and you weep. That's what you do. That's what you do.

With your chunky monkey, and you listen, and you just cry. This is like masturbating to stepsister porn, right? Like, no, God. No, with your actual stepsister. Jesus. I don't. In the room. And now this 65-year-old woman seamstress going to a sewing convention might actually hear this conversation.

Oh, my gosh. This is disgusting. Anyway, of course, one of the first phrases we heard was glory hole motherfuckers leading to a what on earth is a glory hole inquiry from my bewildered mother. It must have been a solid minute before she stopped laughing

after I explained. I also had the privilege of defining furries for her, but drew the line at Bukkake. Happily, she did not ask about Oreo cream pies. Okay, so let me do these real quick just for you

i just want to make sure an oreo cream pie is uh is actually made by the oreo company and they're delicious they're wonderful it's a nabisco product yeah and bukkake yeah where are you going with this one because you have me that's the type of cabbage oh there you go yeah you gotta get it in a salad go to an asian restaurant and ask for a bukkake salad. It's delicious. Do not do that. Do not follow this man's advice. And whatever you do, don't say dressing on the side.

One last portion of this I want to read. So she said, we got back to the hotel and my mom called my dad. And one of the first things out of her mouth was, Bob, have you ever heard of a glory hole? And Bob said, yes, dear. I've heard of a glory hole? And Bob said, yes, dear. I've heard of a glory hole. That's a test of a relationship. And now that you're out of town, I'm actually at a glory hole right now.

He's got the phone in his ear. He just looks down. No. This is awesome, though. What a great message. Thank you so much for sending it. We got a great call to prayer with Tom as the main focus here. So we're going to listen to this.

This is from David. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. He sounds like the Joker. You sound like that joker. That's pretty awesome. That's great. I like that one.

Thank you, David. So we got a message. This is from Max. And Max says, I think the word joking in the article that was translated, and this is the article we were talking about last week when the person was supposed to beat their wife jokingly. Oh, God. The person said – Mac said, I think the word joking in the article was translated was actually supposed to mean lightly or something similar. It's also possible for it to be playfully, although I wouldn't imagine that they would do much playful stuff there. And then I think jokingly is a mistranslation for that, but I just don't understand. I mean it lightly makes sense, I guess.

Lightly makes more sense. But still, it's like beat your wife lightly. I mean, I don't know. You don't beat things lightly. You fold them. You just don't. The culinary joke there for you folks. Hilarious.

It worked with the arm motion, though. It does. It doesn't translate to audio podcast. Yeah, it turns out. So we want to thank Jake from imaginaryfriendshow.com podcast, which is now called the Irreverent Friends Show, I guess. So is that what

he's calling it? I don't know. Irreverent Friends Show? I forget. He called it something else. Irrelevant Friends? He called it something else while we were on it. Infamous Friends? We were just on it. Yeah. But I don't know. Ignorant Friends Show? Ignorant Friends. I forget. He called it something else. Irrelevant Friends. He called it something else while we were on it. Infamous Friends. We were just on it. But I wasn't listening. And we were on with Ross from Skeptically Challenged

and a young lady named Emily. And we had a great time on his show. So if you want to check it out. Great-ish. It's imaginaryfriendshow.com. The next, I think, probably two episodes will be us and then Emily and Ross. And then we want to thank Jake, of course, for coming on our show and chatting with us. He's a great guy.

Yeah, he's a great guy. We love to hang out with him and chat with him anytime he wants to come on. So check his show out. We hope this is the last recording here from from Glory Hole Studios one. We hope Glory Hole Studios two is a better, quieter. It will be quieter. It could be in a demolition site and as long as there are there are halls that are bereft of violin players. I will be happy.

Dude, the devil had his fiddle out there. He was taking his do a few minutes ago. Alright, that's going to wrap it up for this episode. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter,

mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan,

sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfootures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense.

and healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives,

employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Outro Music