Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 282: Pad-Toddler

Episode Date: March 14, 2016

   

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Good morning, Tom and Cecil. This is Graham Todd from sunny Richmond, Virginia. You know, I'm listening to the current episode, I believe right now it's 281, and I'm listening to the Michelle Bachman segment saying that competition is something that is very biblical, that the lack of competition is not biblical. Now, I don't know if these people speaking have read the Ten Commandments, but, you know, there are two commandments to talk about coveting, one about your neighbor's goods and the other about your neighbor's wife. Now, in this case, I'm going to be referring to the neighbor's wife, or sorry, your neighbor's goods coveting thing, because coveting, as we all know, means

to want or to envy. Now, if you want something your neighbor has, you are going to work harder to get it. That kind of sounds like competition to me. So the Bible is expressly, expressly condemning competition, also kind of capitalism. So, you know, just a thought. Glory hell, guys. Have a wonderful day. to Thought. Glory hole, guys. Have a wonderful day. Yeah, so we all know what a Santorum is, but did you know that a Trump

is when someone shits on your chest and puts an American flag and sparklers in it? Yeah, that's what a Trump is. Glory hole. Alright, Canadian haters, I've listened enough about you two clowns making fun of Canadians. I have a question.

Why does your national anthem start with describing a blind Mexican? Jose, can you see? Glory horror, motherfucker. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political.

And there is no welcome at. This is episode 282. And this, Cecil, finally feels like a proper studio. It does. It does. This is Gloryhole Studios 2 or 3. 3? 3.

This is Gloryhole Studios Part 3. This is 3.0. This is the beta beta version? Yeah. And so we're here. And it's awesome. It sounds great. We're getting a little echo still, but it's OK.

We're going to work our way through it eventually. We're getting a couple of things changed around in here slowly as we go. But we wanted to record here because it's just so much quieter, just such better vibe. I'm nowhere near as high. I know. That's one thing that I think we're going to have to supplement with bourbon. Twist my arm, good sir.

We posted images of our new studio on Facebook. We did. And two people talked about the studio and everybody else talked about the pizza the pizza you know here's the thing guys that pizza was fucking delicious yeah that pizza was amazing we got we posted a picture of pizza people were giving us shit like that's not a piece it's burnt like that's the fucking point yeah the edges are crispy and motherfucking delicious yeah yeah you don't know what you're talking about it's amazing we we have an audience where more people know what animal

feces looks like than what a proper pizza looks like they're like like they're like sauce is on the top my mind is blown it's amazing it's so funny to read the comments and people will be like that looks like shit and you're like yeah dude you have you would rub it on your nipples you literally have no idea you would fuck that pizza you would fuck that pizza and people were like also talking about uh uh lou malnati's yeah they're like oh lou malnati's like oh if you can't afford lou malnati's like no no no this pizza mouth fucks it it fucking it like two hand fists loom out like one in the ass one in the pussy like one of those yeah like where you shake hands in the middle like one of those that's what it does to loom melnati's it's a fissure creator like that's

what that is. You've got to sew it back up when you're done. And then you get people from Idaho that are like, oh, that's not a pizza. Look, okay, I trust that you know carbs, Idaho. Okay, I understand that I trust that you know carbs very well. But it's not a fucking potato. And it's not a cracker with fucking ketchup on it or whatever you call Papa John's or whatever that shit is. I would put the pizza we had the other night up against any any pizza i just would yeah absolutely there's there is no way them's fucking fighting i know it was it's it's so everything about it

is so good and then the people from canada are commenting and you're like you can't even spell pizza here's the thing i'll never tell you how to tan a beaver pelt. Don't tell me what a fucking pizza should look like, bro. Here's the thing, man. If we had ordered poutine or something. Yeah, man. Right? Yeah.

Okay, fine. Absolutely. If it was like, oh, that's not a Tim Horton. This is a Tim. Okay, fine. Yes. Have you ever gone out for Canadian food, Cecil? Hey, man. Yeah. Hold on, let's check Grubhub. Canadian bacon. Let's see. Oh, uh, hang on a minute. I'm going to go ahead and log into my

Grubhub account and I'm going to see what my Canadian food options are. It actually says error. I don't know. It's just, my phone is on fire because nobody's ever gone out for Canadian food. The other thing that shocked the shit out of me about those pictures that we posted on Facebook, only two people commented on Gary. Only two people. Everybody else is just like, looks at Gary and they're like, yeah, fucking Gary. Sure. Yeah, he belongs there.

Two people are like, what the fuck is that thing? There is a picture of a gape-mouthed mannequin boy wearing a glory hole shirt on the page and people are like that pizza looks gross that pizza looks gross there's a face fuckable mannequin i drove around here's the funniest thing too i i transported that mannequin i had to move him from my house sure to the studio i went to work in between right so and he's in my passenger seat carpool lane and where i park yeah i so like i have the first spot so i park right in front of the door and there is my car and everyone knows it's my car it's in my spot and i've got fucking gary like with his fucking gape-ass mouth in the passenger seat. 70 people walk in and out of that door.

Nobody says shit. Nobody says a word. Nobody's like, bro? Carry that thing around with you. Nobody says a word to you. I walked into the music garage with that guy, and I parked about a block and a half away, and I'm walking. I'm in the elevator.

I have a fucking gape-mouth boy mannequin. I would report me to someone. If I saw me'd be like i would too you need to be reported i was in that i was yesterday when we moved it i was in the elevator i walk up the dude looks at me looks at the mannequin he's like sup and then he just turned around and the only way to carry it is by the crotch yeah i know you can't you can't. So you cut the balls like you're going to ask him to cough. Like you're lifting a normal boy. Yeah, like you're a priest. I don't understand what you're talking about.

I did a liturgy when I was a child. Blessed him, gave him a Snickers. We were great. We were great afterwards. We called it communion. I'm Raymond Massey, and I have a special message for senior citizens. Today's doctors, drugs, and medical devices truly work medical miracles for young and old alike. But there are some as phony as a $3 bill.

Investigate before you invest in health services or products. Help stamp out quackery. So this first story comes from the raw story uh and this is i don't know why i'm laughing it's just so terrible it's fucking horrible dude toddler died from meningitis after anti-vaccination parents treated him with maple syrup yeah instead of medicine they also wrapped him in a beaver pelt and then they whispered to him in bad french and like right before he died they were like sorry oh sorry about it sorry fucking amazing it's so this is a couple of mormon parents they they own a nutritional supplement company so they're obviously deep you know and this sort of answers that question like do they believe it yeah you know what i mean like sometimes you wonder like yep do you believe your own shit and the answer for a lot

of these guys is abso-fucking-lutely they believe their own shit i think i think you would find very few con men in there i think you will find some because clearly that's the owners of the supplement companies right at the very top i think that there are some people out there that you clearly see what's happening and say fucking there's no merit in that right and they pretend i think that there are some people out there that you clearly see what's happening and say fucking there's no merit in that right and they pretend i think that there's there's some people out there that they see these people and they see them as marks and they say fuck i can make a shit ton of money off of this right so why don't i do that but these people they believe they believed it and after it was all over um i thought i read somebody said they

said would you do that shit again? And they're like, no, I would take him to a doctor. How heartbreaking. That's a fucking hard lesson to learn is what that is. Like you've got your toddler, like you've got like, like the joy of your life and you truly believe, cause you wouldn't do this unless you really believed. And that's the problem with this. Like people, a lot of times give us, I mean, I'm sure you've heard it. Like, why do you care what other people believe? Live and let live, all that sort of nonsense. And that's all fine and dandy, but there is a little boy, there's a toddler who is never going to grow up. And beyond that, there are absolutely

devastatingly heartbroken parents walking around with this tremendous, I can't even imagine the guilt. Yeah. The meningitis, Tom, the thing that is interesting here is you've had meningitis. Yeah. But I had viral meningitis, which of the meningiti is the lesser meningitis. Bacterial meningitis fucks your world up. Viral meningitis is just miserable. Right. So do you think that this child was miserable? I will say that from my personal experience with the lesser of the meningitis, I could not stand up. When I decided, I went to work the first day that I had meningitis. I went to work. I thought I had a migraine. I don't get migraines. And I'm like, this must be what they're

like. And I'm like, I don't understand how people function. I couldn't think at all. I was actually in a meeting and I put my head down on the desk of the manager that I was with. And she's like, you need to go home. I can make it through the day. I'm just having a rough minute. Give me a minute. And I pepped up a little bit and finished my day. I got home and about two o'clock that morning, I couldn't get down the stairs. I had to scoot my butt down the stairs because I couldn't stand up. That shit was bad, dude. It was not good. I spent like four days on the floor of my basement hiding from light. Wow. I would just, I would crawl up the stairs to go to the bathroom and then crawl back downstairs and sleep in glory

hole studios actually on the floor, on the wood floor for four days this kid yeah this now granted most boys are tougher than i am right like most little kids yeah and and it's harder to tell with them because they're all crawling so you can't tell yeah but you know i mean to to his credit nobody was feeding me a mixture of apple cider vinegar horseradish root, hot peppers, onion, garlic, and ginger root. I don't care how sick you are. If somebody's like, Hey man, I made you a smoothie. Oh, this garbage of this fucking apple cider vinegar and ginger and hot peppers. You know what that sounds like? You're kidding me. That sounds like the shit you scrape out of your garbage processor, garbage disposal. It sounds like you're making Thai food of your garbage processor when you're at the garbage disposal.

It sounds like you're making Thai food. Yeah. That's what it sounds like. It sounds like the refuse after making Thai food. And this, this is after two weeks, two weeks, man, of this kid being sick. Originally, they fed him with olive leaf extract, whey protein, water with maple syrup, and juice with frozen berries so this fucking kid has an inflammation of his goddamn spinal cord his brain is basically like i'm being smushed i'm being smushed i'm distressed distressed and it's like well maybe we put some fucking

maple syrup on it you can't treat an illness like a pancake. You cannot. It's not like nobody's ever gone to the doctor and been like, oh, he's got a bad case of the waffles. Uh-oh. He's got viral flapjacks. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Doctor, Lego my ego. It's never happened.

It's never happened. You know, it's funny to me that we live in a day and age where we have all of these advances in medicine. You don't have to die from this. No. You know, you don't have to die from this. You know, I can understand. You're fucking, you know, you're fucking, you got twigs on your penis in the middle of fucking Papua New Guinea like we talked about where you're just like, you don't have anything. I understand. Right?

Right. You know, yeah, you got to fucking, you got to rub some dirt on it. Yeah, rub some fucking dirt on it. Because you don't have better options right you you have options here right you wind up you know like like choosing this natural holistic garbage over what actually works and it's like imagine if you fucking like i i fall down and i fucking break my arm and it's a hanger right my arm's just like and i work My arm's just like, and I run over my wife and I'm just like, Oh my God, kiss it. I need a boo boo kiss.

Can you kiss my boo boo? Cause that's going to make it feel better. It's the same effectiveness as fucking whatever the fuck kind of garbage slurry you created to force down your kid's face it's you know i've said this with regard to the cancer treatments right like meningitis is not a nutritional defect right it's not you're not going to cure it by eating the fucking it's like oh man maybe give him a pork chop like no it's look this is not he's not fucking it's not malnutrition right right if you go to the doctor and it's like well you've got a bad case of the malnutrition. Well, then some food is in order,

right? Order a motherfucker, a pizza. But if you go to the doctor and it's like, you've got swelling on your brain. It's like, I would like all available medicines, literally every available medicine. I will say like speaking back to my own miserable experience with this, they asked me like, they're like,'re like well we're gonna do a spinal tap that shit hurts so bad i don't even remember them doing the spinal tap and that's supposed to be a very uncomfortable procedure i'm just like i don't care what you do to my body like i was like you could throw my whole self into a trash compactor right now i don't even care if i die in the next 10 minutes, I would be grateful for the respite. Wow. This is a toddler.

Yeah. That is something of an exaggeration. But nonetheless, this is a toddler. This is somebody who has no ability to even conceptualize that pain is temporary or comfort themselves in any meaningful way. Like the fear that would go with the pain. Sure. And the discomfort.

Sure. And the illness. And it lasted more than two weeks. Yeah, I know. And then the kid dies. Yeah. It's not good.

It's not good. He's not a pancake. They fucking pad tied their toddler. Oh no. Pad toddler. Have you always wanted to win the lottery? Do you suffer from chronic poverty syndrome? Do you have real problems that are too much work to actually work on?

Would you rather pretend to help than actually help? Prayer might be right for you. Please note, some side effects for prayer may not be reported. Always consult your pastor, shaman, imam, rabbi or witch doctor, or holy book specialist for medical advice. This story is actually kind of in a distressingly similar vein as the last story.

This comes from the Raw Story. Pro-life Idaho Republican thinks parents have a religious right to let kids die from treatable illness thank you raw story for the incredibly unbiased i will say that like although i do fish raw story uh with some regularity they are the least responsible this is the fox news yeah of journalism like they're really grossly irresponsible i just want to put out there that i fucking know that they are yeah i know it so we take think it was

something of a grain of salt when it comes to the editorializing um nonetheless lawmakers in idaho did approve a bill that would allow um first of all bible study and science classes but also they declined to change a law that shields faith-healing parents from prosecution. So faith healing, for those who may not know, is also known as neglect. Sure. Right?

Yeah. It's just doing nothing. It's doing nothing. Your kid is sick. It's hoping. Right. And you hope at them real hard. Yeah, sure.

I mean, I will say, you could hope super-duper hard. Admittedly. Right. Right in their direction. You bet. You could focus your hope. You'd be like, er, you could hope super duper hard. Admittedly. Right. Yeah. Right in their direction. You bet. Like, you could focus your hope. You bet. You could be like, er, hope.

Yeah. Put on your fucking best hope music. Right. And just get in your hope stance. And that's it. And hope the fuck out of some hope right at them. Yeah. Yeah.

And then, but if your kid dies, then it's totes okay as long as you hoped and you love Jesus. Sure. I guess. Sure. And that's it. Like, you're shielded. And you love Jesus, I guess.

And that's it. You're shielded. Can you imagine taking just another logical step and saying, well, I didn't feed my kid. I had this kid, and I know that I'm responsible for their well-being, and they're not able to care for themselves. They're not in a position to care for themselves. And it's my responsibility to be their caretaker. But I didn't feed them because i figured god would provide and i just you know what i did is i prayed every morning that god would provide food for my kid and now he's dead that would be grossly irresponsible i don't think

anybody would condone sure right sure but for some reason when it comes to treatable disease treatable illnesses where you have an opportunity we're not talking about shit that sneaks up on you, right? Because bacterial meningitis is actually a great example. That can kill you in 24 hours, right? So it's like, oh, you're sick, and now you're dead. Nobody's, okay, fine. But we've read cases where it's like fucking diabetes, where it's like, oh, I got the diabetes.

And it's like, oh, fucking knew about that for a long time. Anyway, enjoy your suffering. Yeah. It's horrible. Yeah. And what's like, oh, fucking knew about that for a long time. Anyway, enjoy your suffering. Yeah. It's horrible. Yeah. And what's interesting about this whole thing, you have on the one hand, a group of people who are anxious to protect the tiniest lump of cells in a woman's body as much as possible, ready to get out a bayonet and stand guard over her fucking belly, you know, so that nothing happens to a woman's clump of cells. We're talking like after,

like, like seconds after conception, that's a fucking, that's a PhD student. Everybody's still breathing hard. Exactly. Right. And they're like,

Oh, sorry, we got a fucking, we got a police fucking line this thing off. You know what I mean? Like we got a yellow tape. Exactly. They're like yellow tape or legs do not wrap right around there no but you know seriously you have these and they're willing to do that right but then on the other hand once the kid is born they're like yeah if that fucking kid dies oh well well it's not oh well if you prayed

real hard then jesus didn't love the kid enough. That's it, dude. It's fucking Jesus didn't love you. The song is Jesus loves you unless you die of diabetes. Fight as hard as you can for alive, functioning human beings that are innocent. Yeah, well, it seems like a good point. Don't fight for innocent lumps of tissue that are not yet a person. Yeah, where there's no brain involved? Yeah, there's not a brain yet.

Where there's no personhood that's established through the development of a cerebral cortex? You're saying, are you suggesting, Cecil, that when it still looks like a fucking salmon swimming around in there, like when it's fucking still got a tail. You take it out, it swims back up her leg

and goes right back in. Like when it's in tadpole states, right? It's a still got a tail. You take it out, it swims back up her leg. It goes right back in. Like when it's in tadpole states, right? Yeah. It's a sea monkey at this point. And it's like, wait a minute. It's a human life. That's not. Is it your position, just for the fucking record,

that we should not protect that the same way that you protect something that can say, mama, and walk around and think a thought? Actually, i'm for killing everything let's just murder the whole lot of them just murder the whole fucking lot of them this faith healing shit makes me crazy man like there is no way in 2016 that anybody can look at anybody else and say well i mean they did pray real hard so when i can like and i guess like i would ask to draw a real life example like if you think of like your your nephews and if if if one of them was fucking if you were at the funeral and they're

fucking lowering that little casket into the ground and you looked around at the parents and they were like man a kid could have lived but i guess they just prayed you would think they were fucking monsters yeah you would you would be like that's, that is indescribably awful. There's no way that you look at it and be like, well, let's go to IHOP. The International House of Prayer? It doesn't work. It doesn't work even in this huge place. In the name of Jesus, we speak that.

This story is delightful. It's from the Southern Daily. I don't even know This story is delightful. It's from the Southern Daily. I don't even know where this is from. It's just, who cares? It's awesome. If you navigate to only one story on our page this week, make it this broken English story. It's real funny. It's real funny.

Prophet charges lion to prove God's power. Nearly killed. Saved by game rangers it's so funny so this dude gets out of it he's like he's on a fucking i don't know there's be lions preserve right yeah he's like wait a minute i'm gonna show i'm gonna demonstrate man's dominion over animals and the lions had just finished killing a fucking antelope or whatever they eat whatever they're just like lions he pops out of the fucking range rover and like strolls over and it ain't fucking cecil the lion man no they're just like oh great dessert they're sending they're sending something over to our table Right That's nice of them That must have came right from the chef

They sent us a little In between palette cleansing Just a little sorbet It's very nice, thank you so much They made the lime sorbet in the human Just for us, that's so nice of you Can you imagine The fucking shock on this guy's face

when he comes out and he starts speaking to the dogs? The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ, fuck! The power of Christ. And Elijah's like, bro, lion. I'm a lion, bro. I'm basically the Freddy Krueger of the animal kingdom. I have ten knives.

Just on my hands and my face also made of knives yeah i'm basically a furry knife factory i am a cutco salesperson in the fucking savannah that's it yeah and the lion's just like i'm just gonna eat that dude he turns around to run the lion's just like, I'm just going to eat that dude. He turns around to run. The lion's like, oh, motherfucker, get back here. Grabs hold of him. And it's about to lay into him. And the fucking game ranger is like, all right, fine. I'll save this fucking dick shit. He pulls his gun out and shoots in the air or something. Wouldn't that be the day you're like, oh, I was looking the other way.

Oh, whoops. Oh, did something happen? Sorry. I want to read part of this article because it says, but before he could safely reach the confines of the car, one lion had snapped its paws onto him, thus causing major damage to his toilet-sitting tool. I think that's his ass.

I don't know that that's translated correctly. I love that line, toilet-sitting tool. Oh, it's my toilet-sitting tool. You have to either be really, really small or really, really big to need a tool to sit on the toilet. Like either you need an adapter to like sit there or you need something to support it because your weight just will just crush the porcelain.

Like archaeologists are like digging through like old stone tools. Like, ah, I found a... I found the first dildo next to the first toilet sitting tool. It looks surprisingly similar. I totally thought this happened in Russia though, because that sounds like one of those,

in Soviet Russia, Christians throw themselves to lions, you know? Can you imagine? Like, I love that he comes out of the car, he's speaking in tongues, right? Which is just garbage. Like, it's just like... The thing the car. He's speaking in tongues, right? Which it's just garbage. Like, it's just like go, go, go, go, go. Thing is, the lion wasn't caring. Anyway, the lion didn't know what he said.

Anyway, the lion heard him say that and said, oh, it's calling to me. It's like when you open a menu and you see like the bone marrow and you're just like, oh, this is calling to me. It's going to be. That's what this was happening. Except for he literally got out and started calling to the lions. It's like, it's like a singing birthday yeah exactly that's what he should have a sparkler in his head don't you wonder if he kept happy happy birthday happy happy birthday happy happy birthday all the

other lions dance around him and the's fucking disappointed. The game major chases him off. They're like, fucking you came to me. Yeah, I know. It's not the lion's fault. Right? Yeah. It's like, I was perfectly content eating this antelope.

Feed your stupid over to me. I'll eat that fucking stupid. That's amazing. I think we got off the track when we allowed our government to become a secular government. track when we allowed our government to become a secular government, when we stopped realizing that God created this nation, that he wrote the Constitution, that it's based on biblical principles, and we allowed those that don't believe in those things to keep pushing us, pushing us, and pushing us away from the government. So this story is from Right Wing Watch. And I grabbed this story because it's got two of my most hated people,

David Barton and Michelle O'Bachman. This week, by the way, one of our Twitter followers said that during a conversation, they said Michelle O'Bachman. That's awesome. They were in a political debate. They brought up Michelle O'Bachman, and they actually said it as Michelle O'Bachman. That's amazing. That's terrific.

I feel like we've rechristened her. Is it interchangeable? Can you call Michelle Obama Michelle O'Bachman and they actually said it as Michelle O'Bachman. That's amazing. That's terrific. I feel like, is it interchangeable? Can you call Michelle Obama, Michelle O'Bachman or no? No, no, that's horrifying. I just was curious.

Oh, you can't call fucking he man, Skeletor. I can't. You only make fun of the dark side. That's fair. That's fair. David Barton,

Michelle O'Bachman explain why Christians must only elect God-conscious people. So here we go, man. It's the fucking blind leading the blind. So I want to comment, too, Tom, before we play this, that the image, if you watch this video, it's just a picture of a giant American flag with them sitting in front of it. God bless, man. That's all it is. God bless. There we go.

And we're rolling out, specifically in this episode, we're rolling out the rhetoric. And this is, I think, a perfect example of that, right? Like, let's show everybody how fucking patriotic we are and how much we love America. And here's Barton and Michelle O'Bachman basically doing just that. We need to elect people to office who are willing to acknowledge God. Amen. Because if they're secular going in, they're not going to protect your liberties. I mean, again, that's what's proven here.

I like to say, let's elect people who are pre-lobbied to do the right thing. Where does somebody go to actually find out about an individual candidate? There's a couple of easy ways to do this. And one is if they're already in office, they will have a record that you can check for reelection. There are websites like votesmart.org that keep the voting records on every issue you can think of. Now, you come to a local race, is that the easiest thing to do? You're running for mayor? Hey, what do you think about whether we should have prayers at city council meetings?

No. Well, why don't we ask them about prayers at city council meetings? I don't know if they're fucking going to be the mayor of my town. I want to ask him about the fucking metro station. Sure. I want to ask him about the fucking potholes. I want to ask him about the garbage collection. I want to ask him about the important issues. Why the fuck do I care if you're praying before you're fucking – why do I care?

It's like fucking caring if they hope before they do something, right? Or they wish before they do something. Did you wish real hard before you blew those candles out? Because if you didn't, I don't know if I want you to be in my mayor. I know, right? Like, when you wish upon a falling star, do your dreams come true? It'd be like judging

a candidate by whether or not they can give a good hug. It's like, oh, you know what? You know, sloths would be our rulers. We'd be ruled by sloths. It's like, he doesn't put his hips into it. Fuck that guy. You know, he's one of those shoulder-only huggers. It'd be like we'd be ruled by baby chimpanzees.

Just grabbies. Because they give people hugs all the time. We know personally I support that, but I just don't think we should impose our values. That's not the guy you want. Wait, impose your values? Well, he's saying if the answer is that I support prayer before a meeting, but I don't want to impose my values. He's saying if the answer is that I support prayer before a meeting, but I don't want to impose my values, and he's saying that that's an insufficient

answer. Sure, yeah. That he's not going far enough. He wants people to impose their values. Right? Well, what value? You know, I fucking was talking to my boss about this this week, and it's a conversation we have all the time. We're having a fucking thing very soon. My boss is a Christian, and the organization that I work for is hosting Pentecost very soon. My boss is a Christian, and the organization that

I work for is hosting Pentecostals. Now, he's a Catholic, and he came out to me and even said, those people are weird. You know what I mean? So you have a guy who's a Catholic who's saying, those people are weird. Well, do you want a fucking Pentecostal prayer beforehand? Do you want a Catholic prayer? Are you okay with the Hindu prayer? No, what you want is your evangelical bullshit. Yeah, well, we've talked about this before with all the hundreds and hundreds of sects of Christianity. You can't choose just one, right? It'd be like, what you basically have is a bag of jelly beans with a hundred different flavors of fucking jelly beans in it. And your favorite one is somewhere mixed in that bag. And what you're saying is like, well, we have to have jelly beans at every meal. And you're hoping that when you reach in, they pull out the one jelly

bean that is your jelly bean, right? But the likelihood of that happening is fucking minimal. It is exactly the point that like, if I'm a Catholic, I'm not going to like the prayer of a fucking, one of those like Creflo Dollar guys, right? Like, like i'm not gonna approve of that shit and if i'm a fucking methodist i'm not gonna approve of uh you know we fucking love the pope but isn't the virgin mary totes sweet yeah sure yeah like all that shit is garbage that was fucking garbage that was exactly one of his one of the things he said when i was talking to him we're talking about prayers before things and he said he said well how would they feel about the hail mary yeah well they'd fucking be like, what the fuck? Right.

Hail Mary? Why are we even talking about Mary? Yeah. It's, you, they like to pretend, these assholes like to pretend like Christianity is one cohesive thing. Yeah, exactly. And it is so many, it's dozens and dozens, if not hundreds of sects that do not agree. It's not that. It's one sect when it's convenient. Yes.

And then one sect, and it's multiple sects when it's not convenient for them. It's one sect when they can use it to mobilize a voting bloc. Yep, that's exactly it. Faith is at least free speech. And you're saying we can have free speech if nobody knows you're saying it. You know, the other thing I want to mention. Nobody says you can have free speech if nobody knows you're saying it. Nobody has ever said that.

Nobody. Zero people. Just because you have to dictate to everybody else in the meeting what you want your beliefs to be i don't fucking care about your beliefs dude if i'm on the city council i don't give a fuck i don't fucking care that you stand up and say your pledge of allegiance to god or whatever the fuck you do do what you do bro but do it on your own time don't do it don time. I'm paying for your time, right? If I'm a taxpayer and you're standing up there, you're on my clock, bitch.

Do some work. I'm paying you. Do some work. Don't stand up. It'd be like if the meeting was about like, well, this meeting from 7 to 8 tonight is going to be about whether or not we buy a new snowplow. And somebody got up and was like, well, I don't think that they do a good job weed whacking the fucking bushes around City Hall. I'd be like, that's not the topic for the day.

You're wasting everyone's time. Shut the fuck up. You should be the sergeant at arms there. I just yell at everybody. Throw people out. For the viewers is the fact that you actually can call up a candidate and say, look, if I get a room full of people,

25, 50 people, which even for running for Congress, that's a big group of people. So I'm telling you, you get more information if you will do that. And it's really tough for the candidate to say no. That's right. What? You won't be willing to go and talk to people and you're asking for my vote? What are you afraid of? So you really would be amazed at the number of people who would come and you could actually get my vote, what are you afraid of? So you really would

be amazed at the number of people who would come and you could actually get to know them. That's actually a great idea. And that's great advice. That is great advice from Michelle O'Bachman. Get 25 people together or 50 people together and call your congressman. If she's saying, she was a congresswoman, right? So if she's saying that's enough people to mobilize her group to go out and talk, Then that's great advice. I don't know how true that is, but if it's true, it's great advice. Here's the thing, man. It's Minnesota true.

Yeah. You know what I mean? That's true. I'll take that. That's like being Wisconsin skinny. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it's Minnesota true.

I'm sorry. This car only fits three. Okay. I realize it's a Lincoln Town car, but car only fits three. Okay. I realize it's a Lincoln town car, but it only fits three. When they sell a hatchback in Wisconsin, it's still a two door. They had,

when they were fighting with her, they were doing the Michelle Obama thing when they were like talking about the obese kids or whatever. And they just they there there was just this huge fight when they wanted to take cheese curds off the menu up there. They wouldn't let him do it. Well, there'd be nothing on the menu. They couldn't eat it. They would be like, well, we can't just take it off the menu.

It's actually the menu. First of all, it's printed on a cheese curd. This is it. It's an edible menu. We actually have tables and chairs in our lunchroom that are made of cheese. Yeah. In fact, truth be told, these obese kids over here, we're not really sure if they're kids or just enormous cheese curds that we've named and taken care of. We're not real sure.

And, you know, we're okay with it. Because they make the house smell delightful. And that's something everybody can do is invite candidates in. I'll get a group together. And your point is well taken because what you've just told people is, look, I can make a difference. Because it looks like a big C out there that you can't. But what you've just told the viewers is you can. You can.

If you'll just go to the trouble of hosting one meeting, maybe it's at your church or community center, maybe even your house or your backyard, people will come and then you can get to know the person. And then that way, the word of mouth goes everywhere. The word of mouth does go everywhere. But if they come, it goes in really one direction, to be honest. The word of mouth goes everywhere, but if you...

You did that so aggressively and shot the headphones off of your head. There's no good way to do that and keep headphones on your head, it turns out. That's amazing. Like a cum sprinkler. Turns out. That's amazing. Like a cum sprinkler. You could win or lose an election based on that.

That's right. And that's an easy way to find out whether they're God-conscious people. And if they're not, you don't want them in government because they'll take your liberties and they'll reduce your liberties. And that's the point, isn't it? That you are more protected in a society if you have people who respect the law and who respect the law giver. Yeah, okay, fine. If I believe in a lawless society,

which nobody does, and I think that everybody should just walk around and be like, the law doesn't apply to me. Exactly. But I'm as secular as they come and I think the laws fucking apply to me. You know why I think that?

Because the laws apply to me. I think it's pendulat who said uh i do as much murdering as i want to do right and it's it's zero right i do as much stealing as i want to do right and it's zero and the thing is is it's not just that i follow the law because it's the law i follow the law because it's the law. I follow the law because it's the right thing to do. I follow the law because I realize that laws are necessary for a society to exist. When I'm driving a car, I follow the traffic laws, not because it makes me feel good or because God above said it was a good idea, but because it's generally a good idea to follow the traffic laws. If you're following the traffic laws, other people it's generally a good idea to follow the traffic laws. If you're

following the traffic laws, other people get to go where they need to go. You get to go where you need to go in an orderly fashion. It's just, I mean, it's just, it's fucking basic. It's a simple thing to learn. I don't kill other people because I realized that I don't want to get hurt. And I also just don't want to hurt other people. It's just generally something that we do. You know, the idea that you're just going to throw this out there and say, oh, well, these people think they're law in themselves. You've never talked to a secular person. You've never had a conversation with a secular person if you think we think that we're the law, that we're the ones who decide. It's an incredibly dim view of human nature, right? These guys have this view of human nature, which suggests that the only

thing holding you and me and every other secular person back from raping and pillaging and just going crazy purge style on everybody that you've ever met, the only thing holding us back is the man, right? If it wasn't for that police officer over there- If it wasn't written down. Right. But what they don't understand is fucking people wrote it down. Yeah. It's, we all agreed on this. This didn't come from on high. This came from, this is a, these are all grass.

I mean, laws are really grassroots decisions about the kinds of societies we want to live in collectively. It's a, you know, laws really are a high level view. Like they're not a dim view of human nature. They're, they are ensconcing values that we all can say like, look, there's going to be the occasional ne'er-do-well out there, but the majority of us are good. And the majority of us want to live well. And the majority of us don't want to hurt other people. And, and they have this totally opposite, super cynical, dim view of the human being that just suggests that the only thing holding them back – it makes me wonder.

Is the only thing holding you back? I've had conversations with people. I've had conversations with people that said the exact same thing. They said if it wasn't for God watching me, if it wasn't for God paying attention to me, I would steal out of this register is what they said. What? And they've said that to me. And I said to myself, I say, okay, well, I would never steal out of the register. One, because I realize that that shit gets counted.

And I'm not stupid, right? I'm not a stupid person to realize that nobody's not. It's not like no one is counting it. It's counted constantly throughout the day. So the idea that I would steal out of a register is silly anyway, because you're going to get caught and you're going to lose. That's like fucking drinking a cup of milk and throwing away the cow. It's a really stupid idea. But even still, I wouldn't do it because I just, I don't have that in me. I just don't have that in me, right? But there's a lot of people out there

that I've talked to. I mean, and again, it's anecdotal. I don't know what the average is. I would love to see a Pew research on that. Would you break the law if you didn't think God watched you? You know, I will say that I don't have a dim view of human nature. I think most people are generally good. I do believe that. But I think that most people would occasionally break what they would consider to be minor laws, right? Sure. You know, I break traffic laws from time to time. I speed. I'll, you know, turn right on red sometimes. I speed on occasion too, sure. It's just, so there's a hierarchy of laws and we all know it and we all implicitly recognize it, that there are some laws that

we're like, eh, and then there's other laws that are like, fuck that. There could be the purge tomorrow, right? It could be like, oh, tomorrow's purge day. And my goal would not be like, oh, cool, I get to go fucking be an awful person. Well, I got to wake up the day after the purge. Sure. And I got to look myself in the mirror, and I got to define who I am by my actions, because nothing else matters. All that matters about who I am and whether or not I live a life of integrity and value are the things that I do.

And my ability to wake up and look at myself in the mirror hinges upon that. Yeah. I don't steal and hurt people and do all the rest of that shit because I like to think that I am a good person. It fits the story I tell of myself. Yeah. Myself. Yeah. And I don't have a reset button like Christians do, where I could say, I did some horrible shit, but I said, forgive me, God, and I hit the fucking reset button, and now I can feel

however I want about it. It's washed it away from my conscience. Yes. I live with everything I've done. Yeah. The good and the bad. Every day. Yep.

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Or click the link on the podcast homepage, and you can donate to the production of Cognitive Dissonance on a per episode basis. If you can't spare any money, take a second to give us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher, or spread the word about the show we want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us you fucking rock so the story comes from right wing watch boykin's defense of boykin boykin boykin boykin that sounds that sounds like somebody's uh sort of sly or i don't know like it's something you would say to a kid about having sex oh they're boykin they're boykin yeah that's

like did you see him boykin in the yeah exactly yeah okay it sounds like a cute name for sex exactly right like it sounds like a cute name for sex told by people who don't know how it works they're like is it in their front yeah okay yeah all right yeah great yeah no all you do is rub on people right it's like and then you pee a special sticky milk into her okay all right you're an idiot she she lets the eggs come out of her ovipositor and then you squat over the eggs and semen on them and And then she sucks the eggs back up inside of her, into her cloaca. And then they bounce around in there.

It's like a Newton's cradle up in that thing. Patunk, patunk, patunk. What is going on? You can hear the clicking from a half a block away. It's like a cannon in Super Mario. It's like patunk, patunk. Retired Lieutenant Journal Journal? Lieutenant Journal.

Lieutenant Journal. Lieutenant General. It's a smaller thing you write in. It's a Lieutenant Journal. Jerry Boykin, who is the executive vice president, sounds very fancy, of the Family Research Council. Not as fancy. Family Research Council, huh? Right? No actual research. very fancy of the family research council not as fancy family research council huh right no actual

also known as the i hate gays club right i know right it's like the bigot brigade that's all it is it's like oh i'm lieutenant general blah blah blah boykin of the bigot brigade okay awesome get your fucking hate uniform over there you know what hoods hoods and sheets are over in the corner man fucking get your grand poobah shit over there bitch anyway he addressed a audience full of credulous dipshits at the awakening conference awakening which makes me think of that movie that robin williams movie awakening sure which is kind of not that far off like the audience is a bunch of fucking catatonic stupid assholes they're like it's like throwing tennis balls at him he's like bro catch a tennis ball they can't fucking speak they can't think they can't talk they can fucking catch this garbage this fucking dipshit anyway his his defense of religious

freedom has a bunch of anti-trans rhetoric we should of course it does of course it does right here he is where is the christian world today? Where are the Christians of America today? In America. They're fucking out in force, dude. What do you mean, where are they? They call themselves Republicans. Are you kidding? They go by a different name today.

They should be flocking to people like Kim Davis. They should be flocking to the city council to say, no, you're not going to let a man go in my daughter's bathroom just because he feels like a man today what does he think happens in a bath that's the other thing that's the thing that like all these guys are so fucking worked up i've had no sex in public restrooms well these are the guys who are tapping their feet in the stalls to have sex in a bathroom i guess i've I've never, I've never walked into, I've been in nightclubs. I've been all over.

I've never walked into a bathroom where people were having sex. I've never had anybody meet gaze me. I've never had, and I've been at fucking like, I've been at the trough, right? Where you go to like Wrigley field and everybody's got to pull out their salami and stand there and fucking like huddle over this big fucking tub of urine. Okay. It's the grossest place you could ever possibly imagine. I got fucking ketchup and mustard all over my hands for meeting a hot dog,

and I got to hold my fucking wiener in my hand in my own little bun. Admittedly, it's very small. And that's the tough part about going to those things, because it's show and tell time, and I got the matchbox car. I'm just like, hmm. You're like yeah is anybody else irish little billy he brought he brought the full size today yeah but anyway you're standing around this giant stinky tub of urine with all the rest of the other people and it's it's a centerpiece of a room they've decided they've decided to adorn a single room with a chalice of urine that you all stand around and piss in could you imagine being a woman like you're you

live your life as a woman right you spend your entire life as a woman and then you walk in there because you happen to have the anatomical parts of a man and you hike your dress up and stand around that trough for the rest of the dudes right it'd be horrifying it'd be horrifying i can't even imagine it's horrifying enough i know it's already traumatic it's as bad dramatic for me i can tell i can tell it's as bad as seventh grade gym class it is the first time you got to take a shower you're just like yeah i gotta do one with who it doesn't have any hair yet because i wanted hair first whoever i pulled my pants down in front of their people whoever invented that very concept oh i know fucking it's like they're sadists they're sadists like like because no because it's not like you learn a life skill

oh no because the entire rest of your life all you learn is shame that's all you learn all the rest of your life you're like how many shame. That's all you learn. All the rest of your life, you're like, how many fucking communal showers are you going to take? None! I'll never take another communal shower again. If I'm showering with somebody, it's because I want to fool around. Yeah. That's the only. Yeah.

There's two reasons to shower with somebody. Because it's a fucking gym teacher made you when you were 12. And because you want to fool around in the shower when i was looking for gyms to to join and there was a gym i belonged to um la fitness that had they just had the big open room they had a big open room like a prison and i was like sorry not getting in there i'll go home first and then i joined the upscale one and they had stalls and i was like that's that's what i want i'm an adult i don't need to show anybody else my dick but my wife that's it that's the only one who gets to see it and she stopped making fun of it years ago well to you she'll still occasionally call

and be like she does post to facebook often guys she posts to instagram because you can't zoom you're trying to pinch and zoom and nothing works there's just two dots and she's like yeah this is from the electron microscope we use yeah is this one of those pixelated images no and i've already said somebody will be recording this this will be on youtube before it's all over with but i will tell you what the first man that walks in my daughter's bathroom he ain't gonna have to worry about a surgery oh it's funny because i heard him that's yeah that's a threat bro yeah yeah you know like again

nobody is raping anybody in the bathroom like let's say what he's doing is he's what he's how would he know equating yeah he's equating transgendered people with rapists right sure that's what he's saying he's saying these people because it's the only reason you'd be care it's the only reason you'd be worried about yeah because because if not they just went into the stall to go to the bathroom and you can't see anything in a women's washroom you can't you see anything it's not the Wrigley Field trough. No, I mean, they don't all fucking dangle their asses in a giant trough and piss in it.

They have fucking skulls there. Like civilized human beings. I know, like civilized men, you know? With your dick hanging in your hand. So what he's doing is he's saying, he's basically saying like trans people are rapists. Yeah, exactly. And we can't trust them to do anything.

If I'm going to send my daughter in there, she gonna get raped look here's the thing man if there's a fucking child rapist out there he doesn't care about a little sign that says men and women yeah he's got other laws that he clearly doesn't care about it's not like he's like i'm gonna rape me a little girl oh shit i can't i can't cross the barrier of that sign i yeah i would do it but you know i'm just a rapist. I'm not a sign crosser. Look, and I'm not saying that some asshole isn't going to get dressed up in the opposite gender's clothes and go into a bathroom. It could happen.

And maybe bring a camera with them. That's a possibility, right? If I'm going to go to the bathroom and I'm going to commit a fucking sex act. A fucking sign on the door is not going to do shit for me, right? Yeah. That's not, if I'm going to go in there, like, I'm going to be like, oh, let's have sex in the bathroom. Oh, fuck. The sign says you can't come in here.

So I got to do this masturbate. Like that's not how it works, right? Yeah. It's like, if I'm going to get a fucking blowy in the fucking bathroom, he, we're sneaking in. That's it. If I'm a fucking creepy dude, that's going to fucking rape some chick. You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to be a fucking creeper that fucking creeps. That's how that fucking works. Terrible people find ways to do terrible shit yeah they're not deterred by signage if they were we would just have signs everywhere that says don't do terrible shit there'd be signs everywhere on the west side of chicago don't drive by shoot right yeah signage doesn't fix the problem i've just sucked one year of your life away. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest.

How do you feel? This story also from Right Wing Watch. Donald Trump doubles down on torture after his campaign renounced it. Donald Trump. That's amazing to me. Totally uninterested in what his campaign does. He doesn't care. He doesn't care at this point. At this point, he's going to pull out his tiny shrivel orange dick and slap it on any fucking podium and be like, there it is, guys. Hey, here's my dick,

huh? I call a little Donald. All right. So this is the Donald talking about torture in a kind of repugnant way, it turns out. That was the meekest protester that I've ever seen. We said, get out of here. And he just, okay. That's the kind of protester we like, he's okay don't hurt him don't hurt him i always say that because every once in a while we say knock him and i get oh do i get killed by these characters you know like they're legit right yeah i mean i guess when you yeah when you propose violence against someone who doesn't like you and is verbally saying things and you propose

to actually physically you know physically interact with them yeah people say no that's not that's not we use our words buddy that's how this works it's like he's like a kindergartner who doesn't understand that like no you can't hurt people who disagree with you yeah that's that's kind of not how we have to say that out loud you have to say it to the like not only to him but to an entire room that's clearly cheering him on because they're saying yeah we should have punched that guy in the throat like they're legit you know we had a case where ted cruz was asked about waterboarding and he couldn't answer the question because you know he was politically correct and in all fairness to him it was essentially what do you think of waterboarding would you approve it would you this

would you that and he didn't want to get into it. And I understand that because he wants to be politically correct. You know, they're allowed to chop off the heads of people, including ourselves. But we're not allowed to waterboard. Do you think they think we are the dumbest, weakest people in the world, as they say? He said that's the second time he said that. That's the second time. I mean, this is his.

That's what he's saying. Yeah, that's what he's saying. That's his mantra. So they asked Ted Cruz That's the second time. I mean, this is his – That's what he's – Yeah, that's what he's saying. That's his mantra. So they asked Ted Cruz about waterboarding, and you could see his answer two debates ago. And he's going like, oh, well, waterboarding, oh, what do I say? What do I say? It's so vicious. It's so violent.

You know, sort of the minimal, minimal, minimal. I don't know. I'm sure it's not pleasant, but it's minimal. I fucking love that shit i love that because i remember i remember i think it's jesse ventura who was uh some sort of navy seal or something like that i don't know exactly but he was something like that some sort of elite military and he had said something like give me a bucket of water a towel and a half an hour and i can make dick cheney confess to the sharon tate murder he said give me a half an hour and it's the thing is is like under torture people will do anything to stop it right because it's

that's a torture exactly torturous that's it like everybody that fucking idea that waterboarding is some uh you know oh simulated discomfort or something that there's been so many examples of people who have been pro waterboarding that have volunteered to be waterboard man cow did is the first example that jumps my mind but it's had three or four people of reasonably high profile they all walk out fucking ashen face like that's torture yeah that's not a pleasant thing that's not for people yeah so he didn't want to get into it he didn't't sort of answer the question. They turned, what do you think, Mr. Trump? So I said, well, throughout the Middle East, they're chopping off heads of Christians.

They're chopping off heads of people. Anybody gets in the way. They're drowning 30, 40 people at a time in heavy steel cages. Yeah, so what we should do is torture them. Yeah, because they're being barbaric. We need to be barbaric because that's the only it's the only thing these savages understand that's exactly right like he's basically saying speak their language right like reduce ourselves almost to that level and then they'll understand us as far as i'm concerned waterboarding is absolutely fine but we should go much further and i got a standing ovation standing ovation yeah because fucking

there's a bunch of bloodthirsty dipshits who don't understand that waterboarding is not going to gain you anything. I just don't understand how people lose their empathy, right? First off, we talked about it many, many times that some of these people that are getting tortured, they have nothing to do with any of this stuff. They don't have anything to do with it. They were pointed out by somebody else, and they get snatched up because people are terrified. And they get snatched up and whisked away to one of this stuff. They don't have anything to do with it. They were pointed out by somebody else and they get snatched up because people are terrified and they get snatched up and whisked away to one of these places. They don't have any recourse whatsoever. And then they're stuck in this place and they're getting tortured every day. You know, that person is as innocent of any crime as you or I, would you want to be the guy who suddenly whisked away with no recourse,

sitting in a fucking cold cell, waiting for your counting your seconds before you get waterboarded again later. You know, I don't want to live like that. I have empathy for the people that have to live like that. I want that to stop. Right. That's it. That's all there is to it. I'm not going to stand in a crowd of all these people just because I feel like, you know, and that's the thing is they don't even personally invested in any of this. I feel like, you know, and that's the thing is they're not even personally invested in any of this. All they have is this sort of America is great. How dare you stand to us feeling?

It's not that, you know, half the people in the audience lost people to terrorists or, you know, ISIS cut their heads off. It's none of that bullshit. It's you're defiant in front of us, and I want to see you tortured for it. Well, and part of it, I think, is this idea that, like, we are Americans and nobody tells nobody tells us what to do yeah right nobody tells america what it can do or can't do even americans can't tell americans what to do we do what we want i don't give a fuck like you're just a bunch of fucking hillbilly savages over there and because you're hurting each other i have a right to hurt you too yeah yeah and it's i can join in i want to live in a world if you say like how much torture yeah do you want there to be in the world that you want to live in?

I want there to be no torture. I disapprove of torture. The same amount as I disapprove of drowning people in cages. Yeah. They're both awful things to do and nobody should do either one of them. We don't need the torture to stop the drowning of the people in the cages. Right. They're not going to be afraid of the torture.

No, it's not like it's, and I don't care how far you go. to stop the drowning of the people in the cages, right? They're not going to be afraid of the torture. It's not like it's... And I don't care how far you go. You could go as far as them. You could take 50 of those guys, put them in a cage and drown them. It doesn't matter. That's not how we win this fight. They're not going to stop.

They're going to just drown more people and then they're going to drown your people and other people. That's the goal, right? The goal is to bring us into that fight. That's why they are videotaping and putting this shit online. It's specifically meant to needle and harass and goad us into action. And we're going to fall into it with these fucking dipshits. What?

Listen, man. that's outrageous hate hate hate i don't think bernie could get that many people screaming if he said free health care right i know right isn't that isn't that crazy if you's lines are healthcare for everybody, wealth equality, educational opportunities across the board for everybody. That's what he's selling. And people are just like, yes, that's a very fine idea. This fucking guy stands up and is like,

we need to torture people more than we're currently torturing people. Thumb screws for everybody. And people are fucking slapping their dicks on their fucking knees. Standing ovation. No pollster told me that. That's right. Your pollsters instead

told you it was a horrible idea to mention it again. They're hiding. They're hiding their hands. No, I don't think so, man. This guy's been flipping the script on everybody up till now and he is ruling it, man. Every single place he goes, these people love him. He's got, you pointed this out to me earlier. I didn't even know. He's got fucking Republican speech hit men out there fucking trying to discredit him in any way that they possibly can now because they're so terrified

that he's going to be the front runner and they're all going to have to you know somehow try to get him elected they don't want to do it like this guy is flipping the script on the entire republican party you know when they say hey be quiet about that stuff don't mention this or don't mention he doesn't care he's like whatever i'll mention whatever i want i'll fucking do what i want and he does what he wants and everybody in the crowd just fucking falls all over themselves i know i know he's really trump is genuinely upsetting to listen to yeah because nothing you know it's it's just a bunch of it's a it's a bunch of applause lines yeah that's all it is it's a bunch of shit that kind of maybe sort of on a fucking crazy day would sound good if you weren't paying attention to it.

But no, this is the guy who is going to be the president of the country. Potentially, he needs to have nuance and consideration. He should not be a fucking blowhard. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers? I want the truth. You can't handle the truth.

This is from Right Wing Watch as well. Mama, what were you doing when our America fell to tyranny? How high is the water, Mama? So this is Right Wing Radio host and commentator Gina Loudon. She was also speaking at CPAC on Saturday. And she's just a fucking, she's a kook. Another great thing that Phyllis Schlafly did as my mentor was introduce me to a woman named Kitty Werthmann.

And Kitty Werthmann, she treated me like a young girl. She brought me into womanhood. When it was raining out and my pert breasts were pressing up against my wet chemise. We call that a Werthmann original. Suddenly you got all fucking Lady Chatterley's lover up in here does anybody else know who i'm talking about yeah like four people like nobody in the crowd claps they're just like oh yay yay i should know right i should be clapping the crowd says clap yeah she she never made the you know the big time

we never heard a whole lot about her but when i talked to kitty i interviewed her she said meow she rolled over and purred she's an actual cat i talked to my cat i i actually had one of those fishing toys and we talked for hours and hours and hours you know i got some of my best advice from mr whiskers too fucking ridiculous one time and uh she told me how many of the things that some of my best advice from Mr. Whiskers, too. Fucking ridiculous. One time, and she told me how many of the things that Obama was doing looked exactly like the things that she saw happen in her native home of Austria when the Holocaust happened.

Bum, bum, bum. Yeah, it's just the Holocaust. What did she say? What did she say? Oh, you know what it looks like? A lot like Vienna, right, during the Holocaust. What did she say? What did she say? Oh, you know what it looks like? A lot like Vienna right during the Holocaust. There's people breathing air. There's men and women getting married.

What is it? What is it that he's doing that harkens back to the Holocaust? Is he tattooing Jews with serial numbers? Is he gassing hundreds of people at a time is does he have burial crews pushing bulldozers full of bodies into fucking ravines and covering them up what the fuck is he doing that is holocaust ask what the fuck is obama doing and then why haven't i seen it i don't i you know it's so funny because i to get here i had i have to drive about 35 miles every day to get sure yeah and there's piles of dead jews

along the highway and it just stinks of burning human hair the whole way obama's just like that it's just like my native austria nobody who survived the holoca Holocaust could possibly look outside that window right now and say this looks anything like Austria during the Holocaust. Nobody with a shred of fucking honesty or decency in their body who lived through that could possibly be like, oh, look at those fucking people beating Jews in the street with truncheons. Yeah, exactly. It doesn't happen when i got i actually was on the bus today and they pulled off three jews and they shot one right and sent the other two running to go back to the fucking to the ghetto to tell them they're coming next remember when they just confiscated private property no i no remember when i lost 50 pounds and learned to play the piano after i met kitty i had nightmares and I wrote about it in our book.

I wrote about it in my dream journal. My dream catcher didn't catch my nightmares. Stupid dream catcher, that's your job! Thanks, Obama! The cats love the dream catcher, though, because it's like all feathers, and they just want to... they just want to, Kitty can't, Kitty can't keep her paws off of it. Every night I would go to sleep and I would picture myself in a, in a gulag, across from one of my children, with them asking me, Mama, what were you doing when our country fell to tyranny? Let me tell you something, my friends. Every moment, every step, every interview, you something, my friends, every moment, every step, every interview, every book I've written,

everything I've done from the day I met Kitty Werthmann has been so that I can answer that question. Should it ever arise 20 years from now? And my child sits across from me in a gulag and asked me, mama, what were you doing when our America fell to tyranny? And I could look at him and say, well, I gave a speech once. Right, yeah, right. I mean, one time I wrote a book. So, I mean. I thought the book, and then we threw the book at the tyrannists. Yeah, and then there was no tyranny.

So, it kind of didn't fall. And also, this isn't a gulag. This is the old folks home you're visiting me at. So, I don't really know. Like, you're fucking. Like, seriously seriously we're talking about 20 years from now they're gonna obama's gonna put you in a gulag yeah it's a it's a it's the long 20 years from now what is he gonna be in 20 years like he hasn't reached his final

form yet if i've learned what is he gonna be mecha godzilla like what the fuck is Obama going to turn into after the presidency? Admittedly, the most powerful post in the entire world. Where the fuck do you step up from that? Well, Voltron? Voltron. Exactly. Exactly. I can promise you this.

Everyone sitting in this room, you're going to have an answer. Yeah. And your answer is also going to be a bunch of fucking made up dream you know yeah first off it's not going to happen but second your answer would be one time i went to a conference right well i showed up great they had coffee yeah i got about 11 this one time i cheered for a speaker really loud and that's why that you know and if only the jews had done i know if If only the Jews had really gotten behind one of their speakers. If only there had been masses of people watching someone speak.

I know. And cheering loudly with great fervor, then none of this would have ever happened. Then none of the Nazis, the Nazis would have never gotten Nazi. They'd have been like, right? Fine. We just got an amazing amount of people pledging on Patreon. Awesome. Thank you so much. We're going to record the special patron only,

Pastor James David Manning Spectacular, this upcoming Sunday, we hope. And it should post, I think, later that day. If not, the following day. And it should post, I think, later that day, if not the following day. And it'll post on Patreon, and we'll also post a link to it on Google Drives for the people. But we want to thank everybody. I mean, this is how we're going to thank you guys for doing this. We really do appreciate everybody. You know, the studio costs money. We wind up spending some money to make sure that the studio is a studio that we can use and that we can utilize.

And we really do appreciate all the patrons. You're the ones that make this show work, especially after all the hardships we've been through lately. So we want to thank you for that. We're going to read off all of the new patrons that just subscribed this week. It's just been a ton of people. So we're starting off with andrew lassie i guess there's a there's an the your last name starts with an o with a slash through it i have no idea how to pronounce that i don't even have that key on my keyboard gosh joseph karen christine jeff george luke travis nora mike ben benjamin ben and benjamin and benjamin right back to back how

formal uh dana kirsten krista doug melissa timothy aaron rebecca christian with an extra a this one is one of my favorites the band band next door. That's great. Not anymore. Mother fucker. You guys not anymore. You can have that space. Band next door. Joseph Michael dildo. Shag.

I thought that was great. I laughed out loud. I was at work. I was, I was at work. I laughed out loud. Dildo. Shag.

What have we become? Ann, Julia, Drunken Disorderly, and Anthony. Thank you all so very much. I mean, it's been such an amazing amount of people who love the show, who want to donate to it. Thank you guys so much for that. We really do appreciate it. You're going to make our trip to Europe this year possible,

and we can't thank you enough. And beyond just the trip to Europe, we have some big things planned as far as our donations for this year, as far as our pizzas that we're going to order this year. I mean, just some really big things in the works. I am going to get blackout drunk. Thank you guys so much.

You're going to get. I'm going to admit to being blackout drunk fair blackout drug all right so we got a we got a bunch of messages about death metal xylophone but we're going to start with uh with uh jeremiah's jeremiah sent this in um this is death metal xylophone uh jeremiah style Jeremiah style. I suddenly feel like I need a fruity drink. That's awesome. Isn't that great? I don't know whether to headbang or get some like a coconut rum.

Or like spin a bottle. Right. Like juggle bottles. That's great. That's great. That's so good. Glory Hole. That's awesome. I think that's just great. Okay, that's good.

What a job. I'm going to use that from now on. We got a great image. This is from Jonathan. Jonathan made an image. It's a Ben and Jerry's, Tom and Cecil's glory hole, the Lord Sherbert for us. It's hilarious. We're going to post it on this week's show notes.

This is episode 282. We got a message from Ryan and Ryan says, I found a mistake that was worth writing in about. You guys displayed your biblical ignorance at 4650 on episode 280. Courtyard doesn't put Bibles in hotel rooms. The Marriott family is Mormon, so they put the Book of Mormon in each hotel room. I think that's funny because I've stayed in a million Marriotts in my life. I've never even noticed. That's awesome. I've never looked

either. I got to look next time. We got a message from Janine, and Janine says, did you notice that the douchebag Phil Robertson did not say that men should not commit adultery? He basically said, don't get caught. Also excellent advice. She says, I want to shove a duck call, duck call whistles into every one of that dipshits face and body holes. He gets plugged up.

He gets plugged up. Duck tight. Yeah. All right. So I'm going to play part of this. This is from, this is from Bart and bart sent us this fucking banjo slide whistle death metal technical death metal band or something like this this is

terrible music i thought it was kind of fun all right so i'm gonna play it it's fun man yeah it's like tweety birds in there i like it yeah go tweety fuck that shit up tweety bird that's like it's awesome that's like the worst music you've ever heard wrapped in the worst music you've ever heard. Thanks, Bart. We got a funny image. We're going to put this image at 282 as well. This is from Brandon, and Brandon said,

I believe I found where long black cocks come from, and it's safe for work. Right, so click on that. We got a video from a bunch of people. This one in particular is from Daniel, but we got a bunch of people who sent this in. Ted Cruz's bad lip reading. I laughed out loud during this bad lip reading four or five times.

It's very funny. These bad lip readings are sometimes just tedious as fuck. Yeah, they're boring. Some of them are just absolutely tedious as fuck. I thought this was great. Everybody should watch this. This is very funny. Tom, we got to do our shout out for richard we do uh so richard asked us to shout out uh for his girlfriend but then

he didn't tell us what his girlfriend's name was no he didn't say because and then he did tell us what his girlfriend's name was in the most recent email and it's shakira shakira yeah it's that's what it says right here her name is and then he tells me how to pronounce it but i'm ignoring that and i believe that it's her hips don't lie there we go no it's uh zai zaida nice job i feel like i fucking nailed there's no t but that's fine zaida no it's zahira but look at it's got the how do you pronounce it the d a's since spanish r's oh you you could do a D. Zahida. Zahida. That's not right. It's spelled Zahira. There's no way that's correct. I decided that's Shakira.

Shakira. I think it's better Shakira. Tell her to change her name, Richard. It'll just be easier. I'll tell you what. Sometimes if you just yell out Shakira, maybe that works for you. You know, maybe it works for her. I don't know.

I just yell out Shaka Khan all the time. So we got a message from Robin, Tom, and this is about your favorite place. I hate it. Houston. I actually almost had to go to Houston in March and the meeting got moved to a fucking conference call. And I was I haven't been that hard since I was 15. I was so fucking excited. I had to push two inches away from my desk. It's amazing. Years ago,

I lived on the ground floor of a crappy apartment complex in Houston, also known as every apartment complex in Houston and back in the backside of my apartment, butted up against the complexes dumpsters. I don't know how you could tell that apart from the other fucking yeah apartment complexes yeah they call those planters in houston they call those fucking living rooms while the dumpsters reeked year round they were extra special in summer due to our balmy hundred degree heat and hundred percent humidity but that's not the best part in the apartment next to mine lived a creepy middle-aged dude dude also known as every man in houston a houstonian who reminded me of buffalo bill from silence of the lambs that's fair one summer

buffalo bill died of a heart attack in his apartment and laid there rotting in the sweltering houston heat for three weeks before anyone noticed he was missing. This is how bad Houston's aroma is. I am so used to the stench that the smell of roasting garbage mixed with the odor of decomposing corpse doesn't phase me one bit. And I stayed in that apartment another year. Yeah. You know how musicians sometimes blow their hearing out and their stereo sound go away.

Like eventually like you're a garbage man and you're just like, nah, it smells like roses. I can't tell. Yeah, no, but then the garbage men fly to Houston. Like what stinks?

Tom, we got a suggestion from miles about new merchandise. Yeah. I thought this was great. Uh, Bafa mats, Bafa mats. i think that's great we should we should design a bafa mat and by we we mean you you listeners

outsourcing motherfucker outsource that shit that's awesome here's the thing if we make it a contest we don't have to do the work and we still look like heroes that's amazing tom i love how you do this management bitch we also got image. This image will also be on 282. Someone depicted Tom as the Quiznos demon eating the tiniest, saddest sandwich I've ever seen Tom eat. Tom's sandwiches, if they're smaller than his head, it's sad. It's just a sad sandwich. I didn't actually notice the sandwich at all because that can't even be called a sandwich. That is the sandwich my sandwich eats. We got a message from Nate and Nate says, Tom mentioned last episode that when people talk about slavery, they always imagine themselves as the master and not the

slave. Well, I'm going to tell you right now that I always imagined myself as a slave. You're going for it, Nate. Good for you, buddy. Go for it. We got a message from Mark and Mark sent in this message and he, and Mark misspelled bias. And the best part is, is it, it's, it's like, it's like when you start your computer up and you need to access the bios. So anyway, you know, we're not going to tease you about misspelling something, but, um, but he mentions, he says, um, I love how you say the comments. You guys say you have a democratic bias, uh, and lots of opinions on military spending. I wonder if you've ever looked at what, uh, the employee numbers are for the top employers of the U S the top defense, uh, the top employer is

the U S defense department. People got to work. And, uh, and I got to say, you know, that's an interesting point. Uh, They clearly can't do any other jobs than the defense, right? We're spending all this money on defense. We can't cut some from there and make public work projects to employ other people. Maybe cut some money from there and invest it into clean energy and start hiring people from the military because those military jobs don't exist anymore. Maybe we could fast track military personnel into other, other professions and jobs that we're funneling money into. The suggestion isn't that we don't spend the money. Yeah. The suggestion is that we spend that money on stuff other than killing people.

Yeah, exactly. Right. There are still jobs in the not killing people fields. Exactly, right? There are still jobs in the not killing people field, right? Yes, exactly. We got a call. This is great. This is excellent. This is from Cy, and Cy sent this in. This is a call to prayer with a Manning remix in the middle.

It is amazing. It's well done. That is fucking spectacular. I can't, I mean, I didn't want to play us laughing through it because it's hilarious. And we don't want you to miss any portion of it. It's just so well done. Thank you. So we talked about how we're going to do the pastor Manning episode, possibly this Sunday. We are also during that episode, we got graciously offered by Adam Reeks of the herd mentality podcast, an excellent podcast.

If you've never heard of it, check it out. Um, Adam's been on our podcast several times. He's only had us on once, but, um, but, uh, in any case, uh, Adam is, Adam, he has graciously suggested that we use some of his absolutely hilarious pieces of tape that he's created with him interviewing Pastor Manning. He's got three excellent pieces, and we're going to play them in our episode for you guys, so you'll get a chance to hear them. He offered them up, and we just want to thank Adam publicly for that. He does such a good job. He's excellent. He's very good.

Very good with it. This is a funny clip that, uh, that Asriel sent in. I'm going to play it for you now. You see, the internet was a blessing from the Lord Jesus to spread the word of God throughout the world.

The pedophiles and Muslims stole it and used its holy power to seduce children. It's amazing. I love it. Thank you, Andrew. It's just amazing. Thank you. Tom, Danielle sent in a funny story from a men's changing room.

Yeah, so we had talked about men's changing rooms and how fucking filthy they are in our last episode. You have to actually change the baby in the trough. That's the only place to put the baby. You may as well just shit on the baby in the men's room half the time. No, you shit and then you wipe your ass with the baby. That's how it works. They fit right in there. So he says I used to work

as a server at Ryan's Buffet in Hillbilly ville, Georgia that unfortunately also had changing tables in both the men's and the family restrooms. Thank God because at another restaurant I've worked at, I watched a woman change her baby on the table because the restrooms are full. Anyway, someone correctly thought it was funny to write place blood sacrifice here on the changing table in the men's room with permanent marker well that shit doesn't come

off with soap or bleach and you shouldn't sand a plastic surface where baby shit will definitely come into contact for sanitary reasons so we let it go you would not believe how many people complained about that silly graffiti every day people refuse to return until we replace the changing table refuse to return what the fuck they wouldn't even use it what on earth were they afraid of did they think that a fucking vortex would appear and suck their baby into oblivion to be a blood sacrifice for satan just because some kid wrote it in marker. Don't they know it won't work unless you use actual baby blood to write the words?

I thought this email was delightful. This made me laugh out loud when I read it. Thank you so much, Danielle. Hilarious. All right, so this is going to wrap it up for this week. We are going to be back next week. Now, our publication schedule may shift a little bit. We're going to be getting our week. Now our public, our publication schedule may shift a little bit. We're going to be getting our studio ready. And then I am traveling. Oh God, I am

traveling to Mississippi on purpose. Oh God. Not because I'm exiled there. Not because of any other reason on purpose. There's almost no chance. So I'm traveling down there for about four or five days. And when I come back, we'll be recording again. So there may, there won't be an interruption in our regular schedule, but there almost certainly will be an eruption in the two times a week schedule that we've been doing recently. But we're going to, now that we have a studio and, and I think a lot of our travel plans are going to be taken care of

relatively soon. It's going to be a smooth sailing from this point on for the rest of the summer. And we should be, we should be able to do the schedule that we want to do. I just Mississippi, man. I know, dude. Mississippi. Don't have to tell me that.

Do you have to pack your own burning cross when you're on your way? I actually can't wait to try to understand the people down there. Do you have to bring a fucking babblefish to translate that shit? I have an app on my phone. It's hillbilly to English. it have toothless and actually i do a pretty good hillbilly you do so i may be you will be well understood i think i'll be okay down there you gotta look up bobby c i know he's not from mississippi but all the south is one going to mississippi that'll be exciting so um yeah and i i'm gonna be in a place called hattiesburg i think is what it's called i know

i know i know i know i'm gonna be staying on a plantation i think are you don't know you're gonna work on the plantation no i don't know but in any case i'm gonna be in hattiesburg for about four days and then um jesus christ and then if i don't die i'll be back But until then, in other news, does anybody know how to work this equipment? We're going to leave you like we always do with you got a pretty mouth. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water downward spiral, brain deadpan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment.

Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death inures, Detox, Reflex, Foot Massage Death in Towers, Tarot Cards, Psychic Healing, Crystal Balls Bigfoot, Yeti, Aliens, Churches, Mosques and Synagogues Temples, Dragons, Giant Worms Atlantis, Dolphins, Truthers, Birthers, Witches, Wizards Vaccine Nuts Shaman Healers, Evangelists, Conspiracy Double Speak, Stigmata nonsense. Expose your sides.

Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Outro Music