Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 283: Cussing the Slippin’ Giant

Episode Date: March 21, 2016

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey Tom and Cecil, I got a joke for you. So a guy went to a zoo. There was only one animal on display. It was a dog. It was a shih tzu. Glory hole. Hey, Tom and Cecil, this is Amanda in Liberty University, Ville, Virginia. I was listening to your latest episode today, and I was listening to that woman who was, Oh, Mama, what did you do to prevent the gulag of Obama? I was thinking that if I honestly, really, truly, 100% believe that we were living in a world where my children would be taken over by some evil dictator gulag. Do you know what I would do about it? I would make sure that I didn't have any fucking children.

Hey Tom and Cecil, this is Em in Japan again. I was laughing my ass off when you guys were thinking about how to explain bukkake to the person's mom. Actually, in Japan, it's not such a bad word. At most noodle shops, you can buy bukkake udon, which is cold udon with a sauce splashed on top. It's delicious, but for some reason, I always feel really awkward ordering it, especially for male employees.

Anyway, daki horu, motherfuckers. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording from glory hole studios in chic Chicago at 833 West Chicago. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 283.

Actually, where is the welcome mat? Where is the welcome mat? We moved the welcome mat. I moved that welcome mat. Is it rolled up inside of somewhere? Whoa. I think I would notice. Just secreted in your anus?

Man, where the fuck's the welcome mat? I don't know. Fucking that welcome mat was like $50. Where the fuck's the welcome mat? I don't know. Fucking that welcome mat was like $50. We are recording again. This is our, I think our third or fourth recording now from Gloria Hall Studios part three.

And it is a thousand times better. It's nice and quiet. It really feels like a home space. We have our patrons to thank for being able to have a space like this. Move us over the last couple of months. Yeah. From one to another and yet to another space. We really think we're able to have a space like this move us over the last couple of months yeah from one to another and yet to another space we really think we're going to find a home here mostly because we signed a lease it's not month to month but we're we're so happy to be here we are contractually obligated to find a home here you can be contractually obligated to do a lot of things and break that off you can break a promise tom it turns out you can my friend it turns out you can uh long contract notwithstanding

we do also have moving on and moving on we do also have a beautiful view from glory hole studios of uh a boat yard and a uh fucking there's construction there's cement trucks i see yeah no it's i mean it's totally fucking industrial over here it is it is it's so fucking industrial trent resner fucking works over there it's called craft work over there yeah but this is this is a this is a great space actually as much as we're joking about round about it we're happy to be here we're happy to have the opportunity to record. We just recorded a patron-only episode, a Pastor Manning patron-only episode, just a few short jerk chicken slices ago. And we think it's going to turn out pretty good. Pastor Manning did all the heavy lifting. He really did. We hope it

turns out good. We want to thank our patrons for their patronage, and all the patrons can access that on Patreon. But we're recording a week early. Normally we would wait and record, you know, a little bit, wait around a little bit before we start recording. And during the week, sometimes we record on Wednesdays, things like that. But today we're recording on Sunday before the other episode even gets released to the audience. We're recording. There won't be as many emails as we normally get, but we needed to record because I am heading down.

I don't even understand this. To Mississippi. Mississippi! M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. Really? Nice job. Really? Yeah.

Jesus, man. Hattiesburg. Hattiesburg. That is not a place. That's a fucking lynching zone, dude. Are you kidding me? I feel like you've got to check in with me every six hours or I'll have to call the fucking police.

I've got to get one of those placards. This is lynchy on board. God damn it's a good thing you can't tan, dude. You'd be fucked. You'd be put to fucking work. I can't tan. I'm like a chud. Jesus. This window is going to give me fucking sunburn. And it's cloudy out.

So this first story, I fucking love this first first story this is from news.com.au pro gun mom uh jamie gilt will never give up her guns despite being shot by her son family says so this is great so this this woman is this pro gun uh like advocate right and she's come out and said, like, we all get all fucking jacked up to go shooting. Even my four-year-old kid loves to go out and get some shooting done. Shooting, shooting, shooting. Let me quote. She says, all of ours know how to shoot, too.

Even my four-year-old gets jacked up to target shoot the.22. Yeah. Because fucking get the kid full of trucker speed and hand him a gun. Four-year-old kid, here you go, son. Woo! I'm fucking... That kid's like, where's the Gloria? It's just mini...

I don't have a lot to put in there, but I'm going to put whatever I got in there, mom. It's like, I just put fucking yellow jackets and mini fins in his Cheerios. He's fucking... He's on fire. It's unbelievable. It's a wonder. It does wonders for the ADHD, admittedly. Clean him right out.

Give him Adderall. I'm ready to shoot, bud. So this fucking gun nut, she's got a gun in the backseat of her car. A loaded.45 caliber gun? Yeah. I like any loaded gun in the backseat of your car where your kid is. It's like a bad decision on a bad decision, but also like a fucking big-ass goddamn gun. It's not like it's not the.22 that she's all fucking jacked up to get her little toddler shooting at people with.

If my kid was fucking jacked up to go shoot stuff, I'd be like, whoa, we need to fucking revise. Remo fucking vise. That's crazy. So there vise. That's crazy. So there she is. She's driving in the car. And her nearly a toddler, four-year-old kid. I don't even know what that is. It's before kindergarten.

This is a kid who doesn't think in paragraphs yet. It's a preschooler. Right? It's a preschooler. Right. They can only communicate like 25 words can you imagine like in the crayon signing everything feed me like tap in the face can you imagine the fucking crayon drawing of the family it's like the

house like the stick house and the stick dad and the stick mom with like a fucking bullet hole like the red leaking out of mom and the one giant bullet that stick mom with like a fucking bullet hole like the red leaking out leaking out of mom and the one giant bullet that's flying away this is mommy's leaky hole her other leaky hole oh no oh no uh but in any case kid gets kid pulls out the gun in the back seat and shoots the mom who has a facebook page called jamie's, Jamie guilt for gun sense. Now I'm not an authority on this. You're a English major. Is that irony?

Well, it's more ironic than rain on your wedding day, my friend. I just love this so much. And the best part is, is that they've gone after this woman to ask her, like, what the deal is. Like, you know, what are you going to do now? And she's doubled down on this, and her family's doubled down. Oh, yeah.

No, I'm not interested in doing this. And I watched another report about this where an NRA member was talking and said, guns should not be in arm's reach of children. I'm just thinking, they should be farther than just arm's reach, right? What do you put a tiny velvet rope around your gun when the arms reach the kid will fucking take one step and now it's close enough the gun a low i can't even imagine why you're driving around in a car with a loaded gun what is take the kid out of the equation what do you i drive a car every day ever there's never a day i don't drive somewhere i'm driving somewhere every fucking day.

I've never had a loaded gun in my car. I've never been in a situation where the situation would have been improved by the presence of a loaded gun in my car. In the same video, they were showing safe places to carry your loaded gun in the car. And it was the center console and the glove compartment. Why not just mount it right to the fucking steering wheel so when the airbag goes off and, boom, shoots out? Why do you need a loaded gun in your car? You don't need to have it be automated. Just get a four-year-old and you'll be fine.

It's so awesome because it says this is an accident and nothing else. Yeah, this is poor trigger discipline. Right. nothing else yeah this is poor trigger discipline right and when they ask her like they ask her like well you know why was the gun even within fucking any length reach of a four-year-old she's like i don't want to go into that right now all i know is god and guns i mean that really is her answer her answer is full of god and full of guns she's like it's just an accident yeah well it's an accident that can't happen to you well and you know we're all laughing about this because the woman survived the woman is gonna live etc she wound up getting it was

serious injury but she was not unhurt she she survived you know what if the little kid got killed you know it doesn't doesn't your brain as a mother look at this and say you know i was the one who was injured this time but my kid could have easily you know fucking put that in his mouth and been like i'm mom and he fucking shot himself in the face it could have easily happened can't you as a mom see that and think maybe this isn't a good idea that i'm this is somebody for gun sense yeah for gun sense fucking try to have some like fucking borrow some if you need irony again it's like yeah it's is it like 10 000 spoons when all you need is a knife or not like that none of that shit is actually ironic the it defines the song okay it's it's

but conversely like can you imagine this kid if he shot and killed mom? And then you grow up with the guilt of like. The Jamie guilt? The Jamie guilt. Do you remember when Trump was talking about, and he said it a couple of times, right? He said, you know, when we, when we don't torture these people. Yeah. We look like the dumbest, weakest people in the world right don't you think it's like i know don't you think

it's things like this that make us look like the dumbest people in the world where you fucking you somehow left a gun for your uh fucking just turn on a toddlerism kid and he shoots you. Yeah. You know, and actually, now that you say that, I'm thinking about a four-year-old is still in a car seat. So did you put the gun in a car seat? That's true, right? Like, it's not like he's, like, in the back seat. They did say the kid was still strapped into his car seat. They did say this.

Did you put, like, I mean, that's an honest question at this point. Were you like, well, just throw some shit in the backseat. Just chuck a loaded gun back into the car seat. Okay, I'm going to set this on your lap. Now we're going to give you this turnover, this cake. We want you to hold it back here real careful. And on top is mommy's gun. Okay.

So be real careful with balls. Where did you put this thing? More careful with the gun. That's why the, I mean, the article got picked up. The article that we grabbed, it's an Australian news source. When you say, like, doesn't it make us look stupid? It makes us look so stupid that it gets picked up internationally like, ha-ha, America. It's embarrassing.

Exactly. Right? It's embarrassing. It's a fucking shit stain on your white pants. On your wedding day. I do believe that atheists are parasites in the sense they're benefiting from everything that religious culture is built in America, but they're doing nothing to add energy into the system. This story is from the Raw story. It's our favorite.

It's Raphael Cruz. Atheism leads to child molestation and perversity. So I don't think we should not put words in the esteemed Mr. Cruz's mouth. Now, Mr. Cruz's mouth. Now, Mr. Cruz. Mr. Cruz here is speaking in front of a classroom? He looks like he's speaking in the fucking saddest civic center in America. You could hear the size of the room is pretty small.

And it sounds like he has some very close interaction with the people there. It sounds like, I mean, it's like a community center. Yeah, he's speaking in a place. You can just see it. It's like, he's speaking in a place that has free, cheap coffee and drop ceilings. It's just, you know exactly what I'm talking about. There's a glory hole in the back. Alright, this is Cruz. Now, there are other foundations that the

world sets on us. Let's talk about two of them which are very interrelated. I can't help it. I can't help it. I'm trying not to. A few of them that are very interrelated. That's so crazy. It sounds like a caricature.

Here's the thing. He does. He does. I've met a hundred people with accents. Nobody sounds like this. Yeah, I know. Nobody sounds like this. It sounds like he's trying to sound like this.

Right. Yeah. That's what makes sound like this. Right. Yeah. That's what makes it so funny. One of them is atheism. The other one is secular humanism. Let's look, for example, at the behavioral consequences of these two foundations.

I can't. I can't. Consequences. Behavioral consequences. Oh, my God. It's amazing. What could possibly be the behavioral consequences of secular humanism? Being kind to other people because you recognize the inherent humanity of all.

Okay. You think he's going to say that? I do. I think I fucking put words in it. Hold on. Let me try it again. Being kind to people because you recognize the inherent humanity of them all. Man.

I can't do it. It's so awesome. Well, if there is nothing, if there is no God, then we are ruled by our instincts. Or our thoughts. Or our social contract. Right? I'm not ruled by my instincts ever. Like my instincts, you are ruled by your instincts only when you are in a place where you're like,

okay, this is an allowable place for me to behave animalistically, right? That's like, for me, about a 35-second journey, right? That's all it takes. That's like it. If you're ruled by your instincts, you would just rape or something, right? Like wouldn't you just like run down the street and be like, I don't want to rape? But that's what he's going to say, right? But what's the level of fucking secular

humanist rape out there? Right. Is it more than Christian rape? I think the problem here is that he's basically like, well, without God, we're all lizard brain. Like, we're all just lizard brain. And like, what about the fucking frontal cortex? Like, what about our thoughts and our

feelings? And like, you know, like you said, our social constructs, like all of the other things other than just our base instincts there is no moral absolutes which means we operate by situational ethics that's not true and that and the other thing too is like when you talk about moral absolutes you don't have moral absolutes you have a book that says do not murder, but then it's like, okay, do not murder, but then you put fucking clauses on it. Do not murder, except in cases of war. Do not murder, except in cases

of fucking self-defense. Do not murder, except unless they committed a horrible crime, and then you're allowed to murder them. You fucking don't have absolutes either, unless the absolutes refer to the first part of the fucking commandments, which is, don't like any other gods because I'm super angry if you do. Yep. And it's so funny because it's like he's going to get down here and go down the moral relativism path without understanding that situational ethics is actually a more moral way to behave.

Right. If you have moral absolutes, that allows for no gray area. It allows for no context. It allows for no flexibility. Without intellectual flexibility in terms of how we determine what's right and wrong, that's absurd. That's how you get a hand chopper off a machine. Right. That's exactly right. It's exactly right. It's just like, well, I'm not going to take the context into consideration. Oh, well, then you're fucking an asshole asshole one would say once you have the hand chopper off a machine you have no flexibility you just have like a thing that you just yeah you get captain hooked on all that shit it's a pounder now they turned me from a grabby claw to a hammer. All you have is a hammer.

Everything's a nail. It's unfortunately something that is being taught in every high school in America. I didn't learn anything about secular humanism in high school. I didn't learn anything about ethics or morality or philosophy of any kind. I think that there was vague references in some of my literary classes to those constructs, but they were never explicitly stated. It was always moral gray areas that we read in some sort of novel that we all had to read, like Nicholas Nickleby or something like that. And you're learning about this moral construct that's happening to other people. But there's never a, this is, you know, this is what morality is. This is what ethics is. This is, you know, the broader question, like how do you define right

and wrong? Like how do we, where from whence does this knowledge? And I think that's age appropriate in my opinion, right? That's what, you know, as a, as a high school student, I don't know that I could have contended with what ethics actually were, but if I used metaphor to understand it, I might've understood it better. Sure. Do you know what I mean? So wait a minute. Wait a minute.

If you read literature and were then able to put it into context and understand a situation, then the situational... He's right. They are teaching it in high schools. Bum, bum, bum. Jeez. Way to go. It's so sneaky.

Raphael. You've uncovered our plan. And situational ethics basically says that right and wrong depend on the circumstances. I love how the people are like laughing. That's ridiculous. Gosh, yeah. Right and wrong depend on the circumstances. Yeah, they literally always do. Oh, my gosh, yeah.

Because if you're starving, you wouldn't want to steal a piece of bread. Right. That's situational ethics. Well, and it's like when you were talking about thou shalt not kill or thou shalt not murder, they just redefine things, right? That's how you get around that shit is you play fucking semantics games with it. It's the same thing. Yeah.

In other words, it's a moral relativism where you make your rules up, you go home. No, you don't. No, that's not how I do it. That's a complete straw man, inaccurate depiction of something that you don't understand or that you clearly are trying to create a straw man so it's easy to kick down. Because you can't argue against it. And then actually they've taken it to the level to say it doesn't make any difference what you believe in as long as you're faithful to what you believe in.

Nobody says that. Who has said that? I think that's terrible. It doesn't even make any sense. I am a secular humanist. I think that's the, it doesn't matter what you believe in as long as you totes believe it real hard.

I think that's the worst. That's terrible. No, absolutely not. Nobody has said that. Nobody. And the only reason you're saying that is because people, everybody's going to have the same reaction Tom had,

which is like, what? I can't even. I wouldn't. What? Somebody's like, I fucking killed and ate that guy. I will say that sounds. But I really believe in it. That sounds super new agey to me.

Yeah, it sounds deep-hockey, right? It sounds like the secret, you know? Yeah, right. You make your own set of rules, and then you live by your own set of rules. And of course, he said there are no absolutes when it is convenient you change the rules who's laughing why that's not funny even if you agree with him the four people that are in the audience look but no i mean honestly like even if you agree

with that it's not funny he didn't say anything funny oh yeah those those silly secular humanists what do they know? What's funny about that? I missed the joke. Well, I think that they're laughing at the absurdity of it all because it is absurd. Because he's painting an absurd picture of shit that doesn't exist. Do we know any politicians that have done that? Hitler.

Hitler! This guy got him in the conversation. You gave him four seconds to interact. The only thing this guy said is just, as soon as you gave him the floor, he's just like, Godwin! As soon as he could. This is a guy who's just like, he just goes, it's like he goes to an improv thing. It's like, okay, all right, give me a job.

Hitler! No. Okay. That's not. Okay. All right. Give me a world. Oh, fuck. Can't do world that. Okay, all right. Give me a world. Oh, fuck.

Can't do world leader. No, it's not. All right. Hairstyle? A mustache type. A German? No. Uniform.

Shit. A type of march. No. Okay, fuck. Shit. Camping. No. Shit.

Okay. Bread. Baking. Ovens. No. Okay. We got a son of a bitch. He's going to get me every time. Oh, camping. No, shit. Okay, bread, baking, ovens. No, okay, we got to... Son of a bitch! He's going to get me every time! Well, Farley, are you going to...

Just go to Washington. Well, I thought I said... Just go to the White House. So... Yeah, just go to the White House because that's where moral relativism sits, right there. It's at the White House.

Yeah. Yeah, because we definitely want to have a leader of America, the largest economic and military power in the world. We want to have somebody who doesn't take the situation into account. We want to have somebody who's like, well, there's right and there's wrong and there's no gray area. Someone who's situationally unaware. Right. Where you don't approach every single situation differently. I would be as uncomfortable with a true pacifist, right? Somebody who is a hard pacifist. I would be as uncomfortable with a pacifist

in office as a hawk in office. Like, you have to take situations into account. There's nuance. You have to take control. Yeah. And of course, these leads us. Leads us? Of course, these leads us. What does he say? What did he say? Leads us? I think this. Of course, this leads us.

What did he say? What did he say? Leads us? I think this leads us is what he said. No, he didn't. Let's rewind it and see what he said. And of course, this leads us. I, okay. If you say that's this leads us.

I think that's what he said. I thought he said this leads us. This leads us. This leads us. When there are no moral absolutes, leads us to sexual immorality, leads us to sexual abuse, leads us to perversion,

and of course, no hope. No hope. No hope. Perversion and no hope. No hope. First of all, tell me more about the perversion, please. But what's with the no hope? I have plenty of hope. Why would I have no hope just with the no hope? I have plenty of hope. Why would I have no hope just because I'm secular?

I'm fucking filled with hope. I'm fucking, I'm a goddamn hope machine. Now, the concern, obviously, is if this isn't bottled up in San Francisco, this kind of nonsense, then it's going to be spreading across the entire fruited plain, and you're going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa, and you're going to have a rainbow colored wrapper for your Whopper. This is from Right Wing Watch. Raphael Cruz brings Nazi Germany rant against marriage equality.

So here we go, Cecil. We've got, we had Hitler in the last one. We've got Nazi Germany's returned. Again, it's about marriage equality because they literally have nothing else to talk about. This is the only thing they have to talk about. It's amazing to me that that's the talking point that they all, that's it.

This is it. This is it. I'll be very blunt. If we said tomorrow, okay, well, we're not going to talk about the Christian railing against gay marriage stuff. I couldn't find enough stories to cover. Yeah.

Because it's such a fucking focus of their entire crazy platform. Yeah. All right. Well, let's take a listen. This is Rafael Cruz again. And then we had the June 26th decision. June? June.

The June 26th? June. They take the 26th and they hew it down. That's what you do to the word junior. Hew the J right out of it. Hewn it. Shunk. When the Supreme Court attempted to redefine marriage.

Now that one actually is starting to act as a catalyst because that decision is much more than redefining marriage. It is actually a frontal attack on religious liberty. Oh, it is. Is it a full frontal attack? Because that's kind of hot. Again, I'm interested. That's kind of hot, yeah. Again, they're talking about the Supreme Court case now

as if this was a huge attack on religious liberty. And again, it's that narcissistic fucking, I'm the only one who matters, Your marriage is about me bullshit. Right. It's, it has nothing to do with you. It's not a full frontal attack on religion because they're not mandating people get gay married if they don't want to. If everybody that's religious decides tomorrow, it's like abortion, right? Like if everybody decides they don't want an abortion, the fact that an abortion is legal won't mean anything. Right. Right? So the focus is wrong. It's not that these things should be illegal.

It's that if these are things that you find morally distasteful, then you should be presenting strong arguments about why these things are morally distasteful and try to sway the conversation in that direction. Making something that's entirely victimless, like gay marriage, illegal, is pointless and weird. Because if everybody woke up tomorrow and was like, we don't want a gay marriage, then it matters not at all if it's legal, right? It's like

petting a giraffe. It's like, is it legal? I don't know who wants to do that! I mean, if you want to, great! I don't want to! Fine! It literally means nothing! So, that decision is cussing the sleeping giant. It's cussing the sleeping giant? so that decision is cussing the sleeping giant it's cussing the sleeping giant no it's cussing the slipping giant hey you fucker get off that ice slipping giant the fuck i gotta look up to do it i'm gonna look up hey you fucker

the fuck off the ice he He's Yali Green Giant. He's the Yali Verde Giant. Slipping Giant. He's a Slipping Giant. That's awesome. That's fucking amazing. I can't understand this man at all. I can't understand anything he says. I feel like I'm a fucking half a step behind this whole episode.

I'm like, the fuck did he just say? Try it again. Cuss out that sleeping giant. So that decision is causing the sleeping giant to wake up. And I am very encouraged because many pastors across America are starting to say we cannot be silent anymore. You know, silent anymore? Silent anymore? The fucking pastors of America will not shut up about this.

It's literally the only thing any of you assholes talk about. That's not shut up about this. It's literally the only thing any of you assholes talk about. It's all they talk about constantly. It's it. Like you said, it's the only thing that any of these people talk about. That's the only reason we have stories. It is. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer,

in Second World War in Germany said, silence in the face of evil is evil itself. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act. We cannot be silent anymore. Yeah, that's true when we're talking about the extermination of six million Jews, right? Like, absolutely. You know, it's a profound, it is a profound and honest thing to say when you are talking about actual evil. But when you're talking about, like, two. But when you're talking about like two chicks that want to go down on each other,

it's not the same thing. It's not at all the same thing. And you think, you know, I should be empowered to speak out against muff diving. You're already empowered. Like that's the thing too. Like he can clearly already talk and speak out against it. He's literally doing it right now.

I love when these guys are like, I can't talk about this. Let me give a speech in public about how I can't talk about this. I don't. You know what? That's rain on your wedding day, too, man. He wants consequence-free bigotry. your wedding day too he wants consequence free right bigotry so what he wants is so that they'll show that he doesn't want anybody to show up and be like javier cruz let me tell you something i have some questions for you and they say dude uh why do you care are you you know a little gay bro

right i mean a little gay is your hand itching for a cock right now? Are you a little gay? What's going on? What's going on with you that makes you care about it so much? And he gets super mad about that. Does not like the implication behind that. And he doesn't want to have the consequences of being outwardly anti-gay. Right. That's the problem. That's exactly right.

That's the problem. And so now that's when he says you can't speak out about it. He, you can't speak out about it. He means you can't speak out about it and people will pat you on the back anymore. Right. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to Dissonance.Podcast at gmail.com.

Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Do you want to support the show? Go to patreon.com. That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n.com forward slash dissonance pod or click the link on the podcast homepage and you can donate to the production of cognitive dissonance on a per episode basis if you can't spare any money take a second to give us a five-star review on itunes or stitcher or spread the word about the show we want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us you fucking rock sister comes from right comes from Right Wing Watch. This is also more Raphael Cruz.

This is really a Raphael Cruz-centered episode. We did Manning for the patrons. Sure. And this is Raphael Cruz for the regular listeners. This is... I believe that's how he pronounces his name. This is a good layered enchilada full of Rafael Cruz. What?

It's an ethnic cuisine, Tom. This is just like so – every time we have Rafael Cruz clips, we are so racist. It's not racist to say the man is Mexican. It is racist to call someone Mexican. That's an insult. Well, he's not Mexican. I think he's Cuban or something. It doesn't matter.

We're terrible people. It doesn't matter. We're terrible people. It doesn't matter. They're all the same. See, now that's racist. See, that's racist. This whole conversation about being racist is actually racist. All right. Without further ado.

My racism is racist. Without further ado. Rafael. Rafael. At least the sound quality is good. The thing ado, Rafael. Rafael. At least the sound quality is good. The thing is, where did you record this from a submarine?

Let's get the original sound thing. One of the main cases that Justice Scalia wrote the majority opinion for was the Heller case, protecting the Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms. Yeah. Oh, God.

Oh, God. I can't understand what you said. It's like trying to communicate with a Mexican immigrant that only speaks four words of English at the bottom of the ocean. Play it again, Sam. Oh, God, I can't. One of the main cases that Justice Scalia wrote the majority opinion for was the Heller case, protecting the Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms. My son defended that case, representing several states, and they won that case 5-4.

That's how a lot of decisions go. 5-4 is kind of the standard. That is a standard decision. I mean, unless it's like, we shouldn't shoot people in the face. They're like, okay, yeah. We're going to go 8-1. Clarence Thomas is still on the one side. It's just fine.

The interesting thing, Steve, is you look at the minority opinion those four liberal justices said that the second amendment right does not apply to individuals but individuals have no right to keep on bear i don't know if that's true i i don't know if it's true either but again we've talked about this before no one's coming to take your guns guys no one's gonna knock on your door. Do you have guns in there? Because they don't know if you have guns in there. Yeah, that's number one.

I guess that's number one. But then also number two is, you know, they say that, you know, the Second Amendment doesn't give you. That is, I guess, one way that they could get around not repealing the amendment. They could reinterpret it as to form a militia, right? Because it's kind of written into it the second amendment does say it does explicitly reserve the right for guns for a well-regulated militia right i mean it's kind of right in there sure unless they're talking about bear arms

like bear arms you're just swinging around a set of bear arms. That's a joke from Family Guy. That's really funny when they're sitting around. They're like, well, who would not interpret this correctly? Of course you can have bear arms. And they all turn and look and there's just a set of mounted bear arms on the wall. If I ever shoot a bear, I'm just going to mount the arms. I think that would be great. One more justice like that and we would lose our right

to keep on bare arms we would lose all of our religious freedom well that wouldn't be the wait are you gonna lump them all together in the same case yes because what they as soon as it goes five four in the other direction right like they're just gonna be like turn over the whole constitution well wait but then your authority to make this ruling is based on the constitution you know it's bullshit too you know you guys had the fucking court the court was yours and we still voted the right way on gay marriage right so yeah that's that's a great point you know as much as we talk about like whether justice is conservative or justice is liberal many of the justices swing on the issues because they're not politicians and and they know and i think that they respect their job is

really not to be politicians. Where you come into is how is the constitution interpreted, you know, questions along those lines, but they are really explicitly barred from making political decisions. They're supposed to make decisions specifically relative to the facts and merits of the cases related to its constitutionality. And I think most of them do try to do an honest job of that without doing necessarily a super political job of that. We will see abortion on demand to the day of delivery. Abortion on demand? You can order through Comcast?

Man, that's so convenient. Be like, go to Channel 1 to get your abortion. Go to Abortion Hub. You get a text message. Great news. Your abortionist will be here in 15 minutes. You just, oh, it's awesome. You just go to a certain place on your computer and then you open the CD drive and a little tube comes out, goes right in there, sucks it right out of there.

Abortion on demand till the day of delivery. Yeah, because who's asking? The thing is, like, nobody's asking for these things. That's the thing, like, this all is paranoid, right? Because there is nobody, nobody. I'm fucking super pro-choice. I am more pro-choice than a lot of people. I'm pretty fucking pro-choice, but nobody is saying, like, well, I mean, until she's pushing, like, until the baby's crowning, it's all good.

Nobody's making that argument, right? Nobody is making that argument. Or if they are making an argument, they're making an argument, again, that's more nuanced. This is a guy, we just talked about this before. He talks about absolutes. This is the problem with absolutist thinking, right? Because if I am going to have, or a doctor is going to perform an abortion at 39 weeks, the fucking, the child is probably brain dead or you know there's some situation right which demands a different way to think about what's going on here

yeah you know nobody nobody is advocating like oh you've got a healthy full-term baby mom's fine baby's fine you're 39 and a half weeks let's fucking stick a sword in his brain like nobody's doing this nobody's even asking for this to be done, so it would never go to the court and be like, can I fucking vacuum out a nine-month-old baby? No. No one is asking you that. No, you can't do that.

We don't have a Dyson powerful enough. Got to get the animal one. Oh, God, the animal. You use the shark. Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump. Or you just put a bunch of them in there you get a phlobe attachment it's a nobe

it's like a fucking kitchen aid we will see that the destruction of traditional marriage and the family is the foundation of society if the family is destroyed society will be destroyed he says that all the time family is the foundation of society. If the family is destroyed, society will be destroyed. He says that all the time. Family is the foundation of society.

Family is the foundation of society. The destruction of traditional marriage. Look, man, just because gay people got married doesn't mean I can't get married to have a heterosexual relationship. It just doesn't mean that. It's a stupid thing to say. uh have a heterosexual relationship it just doesn't mean that it's a stupid thing to say you know it's also the case that you know let's let's fucking grow up and look around and see the reality of new families like just because a family is quote-unquote non-traditional i'm trying to actually think of a of somebody in a straight traditional relationship or traditional

family like i didn't grow up in a traditional family household. Most of my, I, tons of people are divorced. They're integrated families. There's, you know, these are still families. They're not less than families. They're just different ways that families get made. And the nice thing about making families in different ways and having different options to make families is that more people get loved, right? And is that not the goal? Like, isn't the goal, if you're building a just and a peaceful society, isn't the goal that you raise children in a loving and safe environment, that adults have loving and safe relationships that they're comfortable and happy in?

If the only way that works is in this fucking nuclear wet dream family from like the fucking ye olde times, then you've just limited the options for widows and widowers and divorcees and, you know, orphans and like people who fucking still need to be loved. And isn't that just a bleed over of anti-diversity, right? Right. You know, there's this idea that we have this diverse country. We have this diverse group of people that have different creeds, different religions, different races, different cultural backgrounds, all this stuff. But it's all bullshit to these people. They don't care. What they want is everybody to be the same.

We all got to think the same thoughts about God. We all got to be, you know, clearly this guy's a different color than me. You know what I mean? But somehow he's got to, he's going to dictate how everybody's got to act. And then the same thing with families. It's like, well, your family's got to be exactly like mine. Well, why can't we have a diversity of what family means? What's the big deal? But to them, he's saying that that is the downfall of society the moment you have a non-nuclear family. Well, buddy, that's been happening for a long time, man. It's always been the case.

The only difference is now nobody looks at you sideways, right? Like, oh, you know, this couple has three kids. That couple has zero kids. That couple has nine kids. That couple is, you know, comes to the fucking relationship with kids and that one comes to the relationship and they glue them together. They're Catholic. They're atheists. They're Jews. They're Mormons. Like, fucking people are just fucking people. And the more options we have to raise people in stable, loving relationships across the board, isn't that how you build a better world? It would be disastrous. I think

Donald Trump became president. Let me ask you, as a man of faith, and look, there's been a lot of vitriol thrown around in this campaign, but when you see Trump last night, I think particularly, I think he might have repeated it on MSNBC this morning, is that you see him, he says, hey, Ted Cruz holds the Bible

up, and he puts it down and then lies. This thing about your son being the biggest liar or being a liar, how does that, I'm not asking you to defend that because clearly you don't need to defend it, but how does that hurt you? How does that hit you as a father? Fucking, like, don't defend it. Don't address the facts. Let's just

talk about how it makes you feel to hear somebody call your son a liar. Like, like fucking it sucks to hear people bad talk those that you love exactly right it doesn't matter if their son or your dad or whatever right like hey how does it make you feel when someone you love is disparaged how the fuck do you think it makes me feel it's like those people it's like hey man tornado just ate your house and your dog and your family and your pet how you feeling i don't know devastated like my house right as a father to a son and i know you you and your son have a very unique relationship you've you've you've really been uh not just a dad to him you've been a mentor

throughout life aren't dad's mentors throughout life wait a minute like you've not just been a dad you've been a mentor well some could argue if some could argue if you're not a dad that's around, you're probably not a mentor very well. I guess, but like if you're part of this traditional family that they're fucking down on here. That, and he still talks to his father. Clearly, his father still talks for him. Right. You came to your faith later in life. It had a major impact on Ted.

Ted says how your conversion to Christ is the single most important event of his life. It's had a major impact on, on Ted. Ted says how your conversion to Christ is the single most important event of his life. So how does that, when a guy sits there and says, you're saying particularly brings the Bible into it and says, your son's a liar. How does that, how does that strike? Hold on. Can we ask a more fucking obvious question? Right? So do you like it when people are mean to you? So I know that the sky is sort of this shade. It's not green. It's not yellow. It's kind of right in between.

Is there any way that you could sort of tell me what color you think the sky is? You know something? Isn't it interesting that when he calls Ted a liar, he's the one that's lying? Oh, doo-doo head. You do not call me a doo-doo head because your head has the doody. I challenge you to a liar. He's the one that's lying. Oh, doo-doo head. You do not call me a doo-doo head because your head has the doody. I challenge you to a doo. For example, Ted had an ad that it just had Trump. Trump in his own words stating his positions.

He had a 30-second ad. All it had was Trump. How can you say Ted is a liar when all he was doing was not even repeating, just playing Trump's words? Well, because you could put the fucking, Adam Riggs fucking did that to Manning. You could cut shit up to make it look like somebody said something that they didn't. Cecil edits the show every week to make it seem like I have something to say. So it is a defense

mechanism. It is empty words. There's no truth to it. He's the one that lies constantly because he changes to anything he wants. And if you notice, he never gives specifics. It's all about making America great. I love it, dude.

When you're right, you're right, bro. I know. When you see the people on the Republican side are like, what the fuck does that even mean? Jesus, make America great again. Make me a sandwich again. How are you going to make America great? It's an empty promise. Trump is the biggest enigma we have.

We don't know where he would be on any issue. Yeah, I agree with that. That's totally true. I completely agree. That's totally true. I'm right there with you, Rafael. Rafael's right. And the thing is, I think he's-

I want to buy him and Donatello a pizza. That's fucking right there. I think he's right that his son is actually more open about how he would do things than Trump is. I think that's absolutely true. That's fair. Yeah, I just think his son being an incompetent boob in office. His son does not seem

very smart. No. His son has this like fucking deer in the headlights look all the time like he's unsure. Like somebody propped him in front of the camera. He's like guys guys I don't want to do this. That's the other thing about these fucking idiots right?

They're like this guy is dangerous. This guy is is terrifying this guy is and then when this guy becomes the nominee they're gonna be like we love trump go america make it great again yep yep they are gonna be like oh man that dude's horrible so from that same article tom there's a there's a clip from jim baker it's short but it's funny and it's it's basically him just trying to sell buckets of slop and it's hilarious the church should be sell buckets of slop, and it's hilarious. The church should be the lighthouse. It should be the ready place to be able to take care of the people's needs. But what we've done this week, and I believe there is such an urgency inside of me.

You just got to hit the can, man. It'll go away. It's fine. Everybody, look, here's the thing. It's pretty normal. Three or four times a day, it's a little urgency. Maybe once a day, the big urgency.

Especially when you're drinking as much Metamucil as this guy. There's going to be some urgency. Dude, if you've got a bran muffin and some coffee, there's definitely some urgency. Here's the headline today that I five probably headlines that the third World War could begin this month, this month,

this month, this month. Yeah. No, I mean, if you follow the headlines like Jim Baker does, what headlines? The ones from the weekly world news.

Okay. All right. You got me. We don't know when these, all these things will happen. You just said it. You just said it was going to happen this month. It could happen this month. We don't you just said it was gonna happen this month it could happen this month we don't know when yeah well fucking it's the fucking 10 i got three weeks if there's

world war three in three weeks i'm fucking for the next 21 days oh that's awesome but i'll tell you what if that is the third one and it begin this month, there won't be any food left in the warehouses to ship out. Then I don't want to be alive anymore. Then I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't want anyone I love to be alive anymore. I want everyone, Cecil, I love you like a brother. If it's fucking World War III, I hope a missile hits your face. I hope it hits you right in the face love you too bro that's

exactly why i know i know i don't i don't want to live in walking dead times either like that's horrible oh walking dead that sounds horrible i think i'd rather pass on all that is there any way to die really quickly right yeah exactly it's like oh how are the radiation burns well they're way worse than just being obliterated so fuck off and thanks for asking yeah also i'm hungry are you saying i get to i get to survive and suffer for several weeks before i die yay yeah yay isn't this the slimiest shit though you've ever heard him say though i mean here he is saying guys this stuff's gonna go i i don't know when it's gonna be because nobody really knows but it probably about a month and there won't be any food left so you better order your bucket of slop today

you know why he's saying this it's the end of the first quarter yeah exactly that's why he's like he's like look end of march man first quarter's looking a little shoddy fucking get rid of this uh all this slop that's in my i I need to make room for more slop. I got to reduce inventory and drive revenue, man. The fucking shareholders that fucking hate international are fucking running me ragged. Because one event, everybody goes and orders. And that's what people order when they hear something,

when they see something. Like, you know, they hear something or when they see something like, this could be, they hear something or when they see something, like, this could be World War III this month. Right, like your show. And we have a year of food for the $600 gift and all of this amazing food. And we have two bonus buckets.

We have a... Are you fucking kidding me? Her buckets. Dude, he's selling buckets. You're sitting around. He's selling buckets. We have a... Are you fucking kidding me? They're buckets. Dude, he's selling buckets. You're sitting around. He's selling buckets. Dude, you're sitting around in your fucking hovel. You're basically living in an armored car laying on its side,

fucking heating up your Jim Baker bucket slop food over a fucking Sterno can and the bones of your children. And you're like, oh, thank God for the bonus buckets. We would have been so hungry if we didn't have bonus buckets. A huge potato slices that you can add to soups and all different, you know, all the different ingredients in the 90 day bucket. If the world runs out of food for 90 days, three months, it's like, how are we doing on food, guys?

We don't have any. Oh, well, I got 90 days worth. What happens on day 91? All of a sudden, Juul reopens? Yeah, right. Like, Centrella's fucking back in business? Sure, yeah. No.

You need, if you're going to survive the apocalypse, I'm fucking 37. I need 40 years of food. You've never looked at the heavens. Everything in the heavens is here. Moving as the heavens move. That's how I know it's coming. How else can I make the prediction? A thousand years ago, there was a great conjunction.

Three suns lined up. Another great conjunction coming up. Anything could happen. The whole world might burn up. The great conjunction is the end of the world. Or the beginning. So this story comes from Right Wing Watch. This is great because this is more of that end times fucking garbage.

But this one is good because he's going to use math now to prove, yes, you're shaking your head. Why are you shaking your head? Because I guarantee he's not going to use math. I am reasonably confident. When you say use math, that means he's going to mention a number. That's how you math, right? Mathematicians in the audience, I believe you will back me up. That is how you math, right? Mathematicians in the audience, I believe you will back me up. That is how you math. Okay. Maths? Maths. More than one math. All right, here we go. This is

Rick Joyner, and I think he's in studio with Jim Baker. But, you know, you can add up the genealogies in scripture and find that from the time of Adam until today, there's been about 6,000 years. There's one period in the Judges that's a little ambiguous, so you have to give or take 100 years. Oh, only 100 years off. Yeah, no. Give or take 4.5 billion.

It's 6,000 plus or minus 4.5 billion. It's plus it's 6,000 plus or minus four and a half billion. The best thing about 6,000 is that on a scale of four and a half billion, it's such a small number that it's, it's actually meaningless. Like nobody would say. Yeah, exactly. Right.

It's, it's so funny when you hear these people talk about this and be like, oh yeah, it's 6,000 years old. Yeah. You're, if anybody that believes in a 6,000-year-old world has got something wrong with their brainstem.

You need to hand in your cell phone and your car keys right now. 6,000 years. The world is 6,000 years old. We routinely date things back. Like, we routinely date things back beyond 6,000 years. It's so funny, too, because you're like, yeah, humankind has been around a lot longer than that. And they just, they're like, no, no, it's 6,000 years.

And that's not just humankind. For them, it's the whole world. For them, it's the whole world. There's always been this world. There's always been people, right? There's not been a world without people ever. So, like, these are the fucking people who think that we're walking around and there's a T-Rex over there. Exactly.

And you're like, what's up, T-Rex? How you doing? We're fucking riding brachiosaurus to fucking school this is people who like the flintstones is a documentary to these motherfuckers the thing is is if we learned anything from brian fisher all you have to do is just keep the alligator for a long time and it will turn into it will turn into a triceratops that you could ride to work. But you've got to keep it for, say, a Lazarus. A Methuselah time. Yeah, a Methuselah time. I said Lazarus, but I meant Methuselah.

We've been on Earth since Adam about 6,000 years. And, you know, that's six prophetic days. Peter said the day with the Lord is 1,000 years. And they really understood this. Because he's boring. That's why he said that, because the Lord is a thousand years. Yeah. And they really understood this. Because he's boring. That's why he said that, because the Lord is boring. It's like going on a bad date.

You're just like, oh, my God. Three hours? It's like visiting your boring aunt when you were 10. Right? Oh, God. When are we going home? Oh, my God. She doesn't even have a television.

What am I going to do? There's nothing here but a fucking bucket of unwrapped Werther's originals all stuck together. There's nothing here for me. And books with Fs that look like Ss. It's just a whole bookshelf of Reader's Digest condensed books of butterscotch. Whole place smells like a doily farted. That actually sounds like heaven. whole place smells like a doily farted.

That actually sounds like heaven. Some of those writings of the early church fathers, they would be clear about there will be 6,000 years until the end of this age. Jesus is the Lord of the Sabbath, which is the seventh prophetic day. Jesus fucking Christ. Whenever they go off on this train, whenever they go off on this train whenever they go off on these trains Cecil

so the 6,000 years and then the 7,000 years the prophetic days and then the thousand and we're almost to seven end of the world Jesus none of it means anything well I think that it's great that he's saying that there's been six days

and then we're waiting for the seventh. You're like, well, do we have to wait another whole thousand years for that to happen? Like, are we saying that? So first off it's four,

it's something like you're looking at about 4,000 BC is when the earth came about. Right. So about 4,000 BC. So we have to wait until 3,000 AD before we get to the end time then? Well, and then he's saying that, then that means we're in the end time,

which is in the last of the seven days. Maybe he's saying it could happen any time during that seven days? He wasn't talking about being the Lord of one day of the week. He was talking about the millennial day, the millennial 1,000 year period in which Jesus will come to earth himself to rule. And so we are, according to the timelines given in scripture, somewhere near the end of the sixth day.

And if you look at the first seven days of creation, prophetically. Oh, my God. Okay. No, I just. Oh, my God. Jeez. Okay. No, I just needed a break. Okay. All right. You good?

You good? We're going to keep going. We're going to soldier through this. We can make it. Jesus Christ. Can you just burn me with something? Just like dye cigarettes on your arm to keep you. Cool.

God. Okay. All right. You ready? Here we go. All right. Cool. God.

Okay. All right. You ready? Here we go. All right. You see parallels during each thousand-year period of man's history that you could see a metaphor for that in the days of creation. It's an amazing thing. Thanks. What did any of that mean?

What is happening? That's awesome. That's an amazing thing that's just that all this is is numerology and a thousand years instead of like one year you know i mean like they just decide it they just decide it like a day's a thousand years oh okay well fine fuck off i don't care but what happened the end of the sixth day god created man in his image and i believe it's going to be at the end of the sixth day. By the way, when they in the New Testament said,

we're living in the last days, they were talking about the last days of the prophetic week. No, no, this is true. Because when Jesus was on the cross, he said TGIF. That was perfect. They went out for potato skins afterwards. They got a loaded baked potato, and they got appetizers all for $10. Hey, guys, two for $20.

They got one of those cakes, those little cookies that come in the skillet. Yeah, a little sizzling cake. It was delicious. That's fucking amazing. Well, the thing is, well, that was two days ago. Did he say it Thursday? When did he say we were in the last days? Was it Thursday? Because that's two days ago.

None of it matters. None of it, Cecil. None of it. He said it early morning Thursday. Jesus. Stop. Stop. Who cares?

God, listen to this. There's a host of people that are just nodding along like oh yeah it all makes so much sense none of it makes any sense at all he's just saying it to you they weren't talking about saying they we're at the end of the age now they were saying we're in the last days of this prophetic week all we have to do is wait 2 000 more years guys hey we're gonna go in this for the long haul okay a couple more thousand years won't hurt anything. We're in the last days of anything that lasts 2,000 years. Who cares?

Yeah. Who cares? I'm not going to last 2,000 years. Even if you Methuselah me, I don't last 2,000 years. They knew it was about 2,000 years. Some of them even clearly wrote it of the early church fathers about the timing. But I believe— but it doesn't make it doesn't even that doesn't even match your fucking math you said that we've we've got we're

just the beginning of the sixth day because you said the earth was 6 000 years so it's only the sixth day you said it's the end of the sixth day that's like we got like 900 years to go if i'm just going by what you said did i do my math wrong seven if a thousand days if a thousand years is one fucking one day i can't do no i'm gonna do it we're gonna math this out do we do the whiteboard no we don't i'm not gonna do this because it's too easy all right so here we go oh god here we go tom oh i'm standing up. If I sit down, I'm going to fall asleep listening to this. 1,000 years is one day. Okay.

Okay. If we take that and we say a week is seven days. You got me so far. How many thousand years is that? Seven. 7,000 years. Now you take 7,000 years. How many years does this dumb fuck think we lived here? 6,000 years. How many years does this dumb fuck think we lived here? 6,000.

And change. The last days then would be the 7,000th year. Yes. So we have 900 fucking years to go. Right. We're gonna run out of buckets of food. So, uh-oh. Fucking ridiculous.

But he's not saying it's going to happen at midnight, right? Well, no, he's saying we're in the last days now. But we're in the last days when Jesus was around. As man was created at the end of the sixth day, you're going to see the new creation man come forth at the end of the sixth prophetic day. I believe we're going to see the body of christ become all that it was called to be to walk in all the authority and power it's called to walk in being the new creation which greatly transcends the old creation we're not just trying to get back to what adam adam had

no we we've been given an opportunity to go for something far beyond that. That's it. That's where it stopped? That's where it stops. What just happened? Well, I think he explained to you that 1,000 days is a day. I will fucking come over there. None of this. And 7,000 days is a week. And we're in the last days. So people are buying buckets of fucking food garbage for this.

Well, they got to wait 900 years to use it. What happens when you buy your bucket of food shit, right? Like you buy your bucket of fucking food garbage for this well they gotta wait 900 years to use it what happens when you buy your bucket of food shit right like you buy your bucket of fucking disaster food and then what do you do you put it in the basement and then you hope that when the disaster strikes that you can get down to the basement and fucking huddle up around your fucking well of garbage yeah is that what you're supposed to do yeah you're supposed to hide somewhere supposed to have like one of those like cellars like they had in the road where you have an outdoor cellar that you can just go to and just eat all your foods. So what happens if the fucking apocalypse starts and I'm at work

and I work like an hour away? You got to dig a deep hole. I got to dig a series of fucking holes. Well, you got to dig a long tunnel to get back to your buckets of slop. Everywhere I go, I have to fucking tunnel. I got to fucking be a mole rat in order to survive. No, you're Dig Dug. You want answers?

I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. So this story comes from the Friendly Atheist blogs. Gwyneth Paltrow is now promoting skin care products that have been meditated over. I fucking love Gwyneth Paltrow is now promoting skincare products that have been meditated over. I fucking love Gwyneth Paltrow.

These are Tuck's meditated pads. Oh, nicely done. No wonder you wanted to cover this story. I just came up with that. Oh, that's awesome. So Gwyneth Paltrow, for the uninitiated, she is super crazy. She's the one who wanted everybody to fucking steam their vagina to cleanse it out like to like you like squat over a fucking hot bath of water or whatever

let the steam that's like shoot up your who that's like sous vide and some tuna which which is not the way to treat it like you gotta sear it quickly and then turn it move on yeah yeah so um i like it rare anyway i gotta admit she was she was talking like last year she wanted it she wanted everybody's yeah because it would balance out your hormones is what she said so if your hormones are out of whack then you gotta steam clean your vagina what if you don't have a vagina? What if there's no carpet down there? He calls Stanley Steamer. Nobody steam cleans the tile. You know what I mean? He's like, I'll give you an estimate.

I'll do this one pro bono. Well, it won't be a pro bono, but it'll be amateur bono. There's my kid. He wants to help me sunny Bono. That's terrible. God, I'd steam clean her vagina. That's awesome. I'll tell you what what is the hair straight though down there if you steam clean it i bet you the hair to get straight you just part it down the middle

that's how you nope nope yeah no good do it we're moving on we're moving on now she's selling so she's got a she's got a newsletter called Goop, which I think is tremendous. Yeah. And she promotes all kinds of fucking garbage. Sure, yeah. Like the fucking hoo-ha cleaner or whatever. Exactly. So now she's promoting a skincare product that works because it's been treated to prayer, meditation, and music before ever appearing on the show.

So you make your goop, right? And you're going to sell your shit. And then you say nice things to it. You sing to it. You got to read this. Read that first block of text there. All right. This is fucking amazing.

It says, it's about doing anything to increase the energy of the product. Put a battery in it, she says. That's awesome. We put crystals around the oils. As we macerate the herbs, we play music. As we add the base oils, we use more music. Crystals and meditation.

They're like, stop the production. We need more music. We don't know what more means. Does it mean louder? I don't know either. Just more much. Just more much just more much then we add the flower essences they sit out with music too so they they basically just turn the radio on in their factory sure that's it we said we used to do the exact same thing when we cooked

in a kitchen when i worked in a cafeteria we just listenedT. Right. Yeah. You turn music on at work. That's kind of standard. You're not adding energy into the system. You're just listening to music, you delusional shit. It's past the time. Right. Yeah, exactly. She estimates the whole process takes about six to eight weeks. She blends the oils the way a perfumer blends notes. Quote, in the blending room, we say blessings of love and grace and gratitude. Oh my fucking God gratitude are you kidding me i gotta pay you extra for that i have to pay you because you said blessings of love and gratitude

to my fucking essential oils that is a premium that costs more money are you fucking kidding me i could fucking wish it well and put it on my skin why do i have to pay you extra money i feel like anything i'm putting on my skin, I'm wishing well. Give me a break! I add the oils in a certain order, and I chant as I blend them. I like to burn frankincense as I do it to clear the room. It's sacred,

energizing, and such a pure smell. Each product gets its own chant. Once the blend is ready, I meditate. Usually three words of intention come up for me in that meditation. Shut the fuck up. And then I put those on the label and it macerates for two months. Yes.

You thought of three words and put it on the label and I gotta pay extra $10 for that? Extra. Extra, bitch. Oh my god. This is the thing, though, is that she's famous. Yes. She has a following. She clearly has a newsletter, right, where she sends these things out and people. Yes. She has a following. She clearly has a newsletter, right, where she sends these things out and people read it.

She has some sort of group behind her that's listening to what she has to say, and she's selling this. She's promoting this garbage. Yep. Guess how much this stuff costs per ounce. Per ounce?

Yep. I'm going to say $12. $176. Shut the fuck up. $176 an ounce. Wait. Yes. It's $176 an ounce.

Because 0.34 ounces, so about a third of an ounce, is $44. A third. So I'm a little wrong. It's 44 times three. I'm sorry a little wrong. It's 44 times three. I'm sorry. Forgive me. It's a little cheaper. It's $132 an ounce.

What? Yeah. Wow. This is six times the cost of silver. Wow. Pure silver. You could buy silver. You could shoot werewolves with that.

If you chant over it, you could probably kill a vampire. You probably could if you form it into a cross. Yeah. Would it be colloidal silver? Turn blue like that Smurf man? This is absolutely ridiculous, though. This is a product that she's pushing. It's so ridiculous. Did you read the bottom of it, her ritual oh yeah i was reading part this is awesome

let me read this this is great so when gwyneth palcho flies she has a ritual that she performs before getting on the airplane people are fucking weird about airplanes like they've just decided that airplanes of all the fucking spaces that they get on, that airplanes have this fucking magic power to make you more sick than, say, the subway, for example, or any of the other fucking crowded places we go. Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't fucking ride the subway. That's true. She has to ride with the plebs when she flies,

but that's the only time. That's it. She said, I drink tons of water, and I have a vitamin sachet that I put in it. Also, I moisturize my skin and put a mask on. I try not to eat rubbish. I'll pack a salad and fruit. If I'm going on an overnight flight, I'll drink whiskey or a glass of wine and then go to sleep. But on day flights, I try not to drink. When I land, I try to find a sauna to sit in to help me sweat out all the germs from the plane.

That's not how that works. That's so paranoid. You know what i do when i get on an airplane i get on it and you know what i do when i get off the airplane i step off the airplane yeah these people are worried because they're in close contact with commoners that's why they're worried right yeah they're gonna get fucking poor on them oh god the poor rubbed off on me. So we want to thank our most current patrons. We are super thankful for everybody who gives their generous patronage to the show. We want to thank Anthony, Cameron, Jonathan, Tim, David, Samir, Hugh Suck. That's pretty funny.

Shelly, Q, Katrina, and David. Thank you also very much for your generous donations. We really do truly appreciate it. So we have a little bit of email we have to talk about. We want to start with Stuart from the Exposing Pseudo-Astronomy Podcast. Stuart sent in a message. He said, I'm at the end of your most recent episode, and you were describing that cognitive

dissonance is a show of shame where you hide under your blankets with your fleshlight. He's like, the thing is, I initially heard it as fleshlight. And the funny thing is, Stuart, is when I was mixing it, I was like, I missed a good fleshlight joke. I missed a good, because after the fact, I'm already mixing. I'm like, man, I could have said it's a shame show where you hide with your fleshlight I always miss my fleshlight yeah I always hide with my color my fleshlight under the covers I'm on top of the fucking covers with that thing come watch me so uh Tom we got an interesting message from Sarah and a bunch of other people about

some Syrian refugees in a hotel yeah so this is actually pretty great there's a couple of different articles to point this out um Syrian refugees in Vancouver were placed in a hotel that also happened to be hosting a furry convention at the time. And all jokes aside, I actually thought this was incredibly sweet because there are all these kids like these that have been through this terrible traumatic experience and they're, you know, being resettled or they're being moved around and shuttled from country to country. They've seen awful shit. And I can't even imagine how wonderful it would be to be in a furry convention, like with people all dressed up as fucking, you know, anthropomorphic chipmunks and squirrels and foxes and playing.

And the video is so sweet. There's like these kids and they're dancing and playing with these foxes and bears and stuff. Yeah. I thought it was kind of wonderful, actually. That's really great. So, awesome. Thanks for sending it in, everybody. And we got it from a bunch of people.

We got a message from Daniel, and Daniel wants us to wish Diego a happy birthday. I won't do it. So I'm not going to do that for you, Daniel. Fuck that, no. I'm very sorry. Fuck you, Diego. We're totally not going to do it. And Diego, I actually hope your birthday is not very fun.

I hope you don't have a fun birthday. I hope you get the call from the clinic on your birthday. not very fun. I hope you don't have a fun birthday. I hope you get the call from the clinic on your birthday. Just saying. They just call, they say, yes. We got a message. This is from our new patron, Hugh Suck, and he's a Houstonian. He is, and we're so sorry. He said,

I've just become a patron of the show. Even though you guys slam my city all the time, it's not as bad as you think. After a while, you get used to the humidity and the mosquitoes. And the smell from the refineries is usually barely noticeable. That's amazing. That's great. Thanks to the patronage, Hugh. Thanks, man.

I'm just going to let you do this one. Man, this is from Dan. And he just sent a link to a story, and it's Sweden's Dr. Anal loses his medical license. Where did he lose it? I'm just curious. I don't know, but he spent some time trying to fish it out. So evidently there was this doctor, and this story is just fucking so bizarre,

this doctor whose prescription for everything was to fiddle with your ass. I'm sure some people really liked the treatment. there's probably some people out there that are like uh no that's sick again that's exactly i need you by my prostate right wherever you were that's where you gotta be just a little more a little more and i'm healed you don't mind if i wank this while you do that it's like a touchless car wash. It just shoots that soap all over. Hands free. I got that shit done. So, yeah, he lost his medical license because he's basically just diddling everyone's butt for a while. It's like, oh, you've got the sniffles.

Let me go ahead and wiggle one up in there. Oh, so you've got the sniffles. Have go ahead and wiggle one up in there oh hey oh see so you so you got the sniffles have you seen dr anus it sounds like i keep sticking chicken soup up my ass it's really unpleasant look i've seen this movie right noodles get stuck up there i don't like nurse so we got a message from welsh dave and welsh dave says, love the show. I just had a strange thought and wondered what you think. Doesn't it seem ironic that Donald Trump is promising to build a big wall to keep out Mexicans, but he wants to use Mexicans to build it? Wouldn't that be taking away jobs from hardworking Americans and giving it to the dirty foreigners? That's very true. That was great.

That's very true. That's very true. That was great. That's very true. He also said glory hole gentlemen, and he spelled something out here, but there's not even a fucking vowel in the first. You can't use that. What are you going to do with that?

Come on. Give that a hell. Give that. You read the Jabberwocky when you were a kid. That's the same words, right? Oh, my God. All right. Twill googanyot for niggityon.

That's right. I think you nailed that. We got a message from George, and George heard our story. He's a patron, and he heard our story that I was leaving to go down to Mississippi this week. And he said... Oh, it's already Mississippi? We're that comfortable? Yeah, oh, yeah. I don't know how to spell the rest of it.

Wow. We're just... I'm from Illinois. I don't know how to spell things. Fucking hell. All right. If I don't have my phone in my hand... The great state of Mississippi. If there's not a red line under it, I don't know how to spell things. Fucking hell. All right. If I don't have my phone in my hand. The great state of Mississippi.

If there's not a red line under it, I don't know that it's misspelled. So anyway, I'm going to Hattiesburg, and he says, Luckily for you, Hattiesburg is actually one of our better town city things. I love that. That made me laugh. They actually have a good selection of ethnic cuisine and not just frog legs, at least for a place. Yeah, but they think salad is an ethnic cuisine.

As closed off as Mississippi. If you are traveling down 55 south to Hattiesburg, then keep an eye out for the 120-foot cross at Winona. I don't think you'll have to keep an eye out if it's 120 feet high. If I pass, if I go down this way, I will take a selfie with this cross on the side of the road. You must do it. If I see it, I will take a selfie. I don't think you'll miss it.

And I will post it to the Facebook page. But the thing is that I would have already posted it if I did it because this show comes out after I left. Well, go check Facebook and see if you saw it. I don't know if you saw it or not. I don't know if I did it. It's like the future in the past. See, 6,000 years, Tom, is equal to... I fucking will

straight kill you. We're done with that. We got a message from Steven, and Steven says, hey, guys, you're going to come to the Free Thought Festival happening in Madison, Wisconsin on April 8th and 9th. It looks like James Randi and Eugenie Scott will be headlining theugenie Scott, pardon me,

will be headlining the conference. Yeah, you know, Tom and I were thinking about coming up, but it might be a little difficult. We're not sure that we're going to be able to make it. I know I can't make it on the 8th because there's something going on in Chicago that I have to be at. But Madison is relatively short hop, so we'll see. There's no guarantee, but we wanted to let people know about it anyway. So you can check out freethoughtfestival.org to find out more information. Well, this early show is done with, and we will be back next week. Hopefully, it's our plan to have a couple of different podcasts, shows coming out in the new weeks here soon. We're going to have two, I think, in a row, one midweek show and one show very soon.

We're not sure if this week will yield a midweek show yet because it's so far in the future for us, but we're going to try our damnedest. So we hope that you enjoyed this and we're going to be back very soon with another episode. Until then, we're going to leave you with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain deadpan sales pitch late-night info docutainment Leo

Pisces cancer cures detox detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only.

Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local Dairy Council. Outro Music you