Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 286: Pubic Bump

Episode Date: April 4, 2016

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. George Norrie. And funny story, I used to be in a band called Chasing Arrows, and George Norrie would randomly play us. We never sent him anything, but he was like, hey, you're some fan on the internet. So yeah, that happened. So y'all have a wonderful day, and glory hole. Hey guys, I got some bad news. Turns out, against my better judgment, God does in fact exist. And I figured this out because I got a call from him the other day. He's actually a truck driver, and he was on 65. I thought you guys might be playing a joke on me, but sure enough, it was a genuine call. He said, hey, hey, where are you guys located?

I got a load to deliver. I'm on 65. My GPS went all screwy, and I just don't know where to turn. Give me a call back now. Sorry, Hal. Hey, Cecil and Tom, Tom and Cecil. This is James here in Arkansas. I thought I'd let you know that millstones are actually pretty easy to find. You've just got to find the hipsters and they'll be able to point you in the right direction. to find the hipsters and they'll be able to point you in the right direction.

If the hipsters don't work, go to a Whole Foods market. You'll probably find some foodies that will wear by hand-milled flour. Anyway, glory hole. Keep up the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad.

It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 285. No. Fuck off. It's 286. I don't think so. Oh, well, you see, the thing is that we used the notes for 284 twice because we made two shows, and then you misnumbered this one 285. I feel like I numbered.

Do a quick mess. Just go to dissonancepod.com. That's our website. I don't know if you know that. Do we have a website now? You've got to look at it. When did we start that? Did you go there?

I just did. Yeah? What's the number, Tom? Hey, why don't you fuck off? Have you thought about maybe fucking off and seeing how that works for you? I considered it, and then I thought I'd just give you shit instead. Here's the number, Tom? Hey, why don't you fuck off? You know, have you thought about maybe fucking off and seeing how that works? I considered it. And then I thought I'd just give you shit instead. Here's the thing.

Someday, some fucking day, I'm going to put one in the Tom Collins. Here's the thing. First off, long time in the future. But then secondly, secondly, you can get on a roll for a while. Yeah. But no matter what, you're a fuck up at heart. I am, dude. So bad.

But see, here's why. Okay. Here's why. All right. Because I don't care. But wait, there's a little more. There's a little more. Is there a little more?

I just want to be like, I don't care at all. I mean, no part of me cares even a little bit so episode 286 of cognitive dissonance there we go just edit that right here one two three i'm not i refuse i refuse of cognitive dissonance i refuse to edit that in mother fuck i'm actually editing this part out what i'm hoping so you so the time that you I'm not. This is episode 286. I refuse. Of cognitive dissonance. I refuse to edit that in. Motherfucker. I'm actually editing this part out. What I'm hoping is that. So the time that you recovered is gone and you just sound like a fool.

I just want. No. Fuck. Yes. Because I control the fucking. You control the whole thing. I control the vertical and the horizontal. God damn it.

Outer limits. God damn it. So I want to talk real quickly about. You've never talked quickly about anything in your life. I'm going to tell a story. So we got a message in an iTunes review this week talking about how, like... Well, like one person was talking about how we were making fun of the homeless and how that was like really low class or whatever.

And it is low class. It is, yeah. It's low class. But... Is anybody... Wait, please hold. Nobody's going to defend us. Is somebody looking at this as a highbrow show? Well, the other thing too is.

Allow me to dust off my monocle and listen to Cognitive Dissidence. Mr. Peanut, turn it up as Cognitive Dissidence. I don't think that the homeless people care because they can't hear the show anyway. Right. What would they listen on? What would they listen on? Here we go again again because they're homeless ah see you could buy them an iphone but they got nowhere to charge oh god because they're homeless

oh my god so that's terrible we love the homeless so i wanted to the nice ones so i wanted to uh to actually uh tell a story about uh my youth um i was never homeless and i was always uh suburban poor right when i was a kid so i was never like distended belly flies around my face poor when i was a kid i was i was poor but not well distended i was i didn't know i was distended i was a kid actually when i met you you were i was a rail thin kid yeah but the thing is is that i was i was a descendant. I was a kid. Actually, when I met you, you were a rail, dude. I was a rail-thin kid. Yeah. But the thing is, is that I was a relatively, I was in poverty. Like, when we, my dad lost his job. He hurt himself. He was a truck driver.

He hurt himself working, unloading a truck. Hurt his back. Couldn't work. Wound up getting fired from his job eventually because he just couldn't work. And they were done paying him work at Merkman's Comp. And he couldn't come in. And so they were just finished. And they just fired him.

So he didn't have a job. And we lost our house and all of our car. They had two cars and our house, and we lost it all. And we had to move from a three-bedroom house into a one-bedroom apartment, and there was five of us. So we had to move. And we didn't have any kind of income, so there was no income whatsoever. We lived off food stamps and uh paper routes the

three boys had paper routes because my parents couldn't find job they just couldn't find because they had no car right they didn't have a way to get to the job and there was no place that we could live they didn't want to move back to the city because the city at that time was really actually pretty not a great place to live and they couldn't afford to live in the nice parts of the city so they had to go to where they could afford and what they could afford was a another suburb city where we lived that was a little less nice plush yeah right and we just lived in a crappy apartment there for a while the story i want to tell is about my dad uh not having a car so not having a car means that you're fucked you're basically you can't get anywhere you just just like, especially in the suburbs, there's just nowhere to go. If you're not from America,

if you're not from the United States, you don't know how far away all of the things are. Even when you're in the suburbs, there's just no way to get around. Even in like the suburbs of Chicago, which should have some modicum of public transportation, just don't, they just don't have those things. So getting around was very difficult, and getting a job, it's impossible without a car. It's just one of those things you just can't do unless you're going to work at the hot dog stand down the street or the McDonald's and you can walk there.

You can't get a paying job for a family of five. My dad was a truck driver at that point for many years, and he was a trained person. He could have gotten a job. He just couldn't get to the work. So one day his friend comes over, My dad was a truck driver at that point for many years, and he was a trained person. He could have gotten a job. He just couldn't get to the work. So one day his friend comes over, and his friend says to him,

what about that money you owe me? And my dad's like, I clearly can't pay you any money. I don't have any money. He doesn't remember borrowing money, but at the same time, he's flabbergasted. He's like, I don't have any money. I don't have a pot to piss in, bro. I can't give you any money. And the guy said, you said you were going to buy my car,

and you never did, and you owe me the money. And my dad's like, I can't pay for anything. He's like, you owe me a dollar. You better pay me a dollar for that car. And he sold my dad a car for a dollar. And that was the one moment that my dad was able to go out and get a job. And then he started helping us get back on our feet after a full two years of abject poverty, just no prospects, nothing. I mean, just scraping by. And you're not even living paycheck to

paycheck because there is no paycheck. You're living government cheese block to government cheese block. Sure. And he sold my dad a car for a dollar. That's a good friend. That's a good friend, man. So I wanted to do something tonight that, because it made me think of that, you know, this idea that, you know, like when people like, they misunderstand

that, you know, we're all just making jokes and whatever and it's not, we're not awful people. We're not mean. We're not mean-spirited people. Half of us. I wanted to do something nice for someone who is on the brink of poverty right now. So there's a site called Modest Needs.

And Modest Needs was a charity that was vetted by Foundation Beyond Belief. And we gave money to Foundation Beyond Belief a couple of years ago to help them. Foundation Beyond Belief finds charities and then vets them. And then you give money to Foundation Beyond Belief and then they can either just give it directly to them or you can give some money to Foundation Beyond Belief so they can vet more charities in the future. And then they give some of the money to them, et cetera. It's a great organization. We had the then president of the organization on a while back and they had this, they had featured this site at one point.

And what this is, is just people who are in a dire situation and they need help. And so I went on there tonight and found someone who needed help with their car. So I went on there tonight and found someone who needed help with their car. And I found someone who needed help to pay the rent. And we wound up paying their rent and making the car payment that these people needed. We donated a little less than $800 to this site tonight for those two people. We're going to put a link on this episode's show notes. If you're interested in donating, five, 10 bucks goes a long way to helping these people out. These people are in a difficult situation. And the more people that donate to help these people get their feet back

underneath them, it means the world. I mean, it was everything for my dad to get that car. It was everything. Without that, we would have been stuck for five, 10 years. Yeah, there's no step two. You're in a cycle that you just cannot climb out of without help. And that's the reality for many people in this country. Many people live below the poverty line, and they're in a cycle that they just cannot get out of. These are people living paycheck to paycheck. They just have nothing. And the people, we often get people who say, I'm in a dire situation. Can you help me with my Kickstarter? This is an opportunity for you to use this site the other way, right?

Go to Modest Needs and submit your hardship and see if you can get help from other people too. We hear a lot about, and I've heard this so many times where it's like, ah, you know, at some point it's up to the individual to just break that chain of poverty, to break that cycle. And that sounds great. All those talking points sound really nice to hear. And they're really well espoused by people wearing comfortable shoes in heating and air conditioning controlled buildings, right? With a full belly. Yeah. But that pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality that America has fucks us over so hard sometimes because the reality is that cycles of poverty

are just as deep and entrenched as cycles of prosperity, right? The more money I have, the easier it is for me to make more money. My money multiplies itself. The less money I have, the easier it is for me to make more money. My money multiplies itself. The less money I have, the more expensive things cost in whole dollars and in percentage dollars. Absolutely. And my ability to be mobile within the workforce, just like you were talking about with your dad, my ability to be mobile within the workforce and make the best long or even medium-term decision about my future, about my family's future, you're not in that spot.

You're always in this desperate situation when you're in that place. The bootstrap mentality is killing us. It's a myth, and it's a liar's myth, and we need to stop with that shit, and we need to look outside of ourselves and look at things like this and say, I have the means to help, and we can help. And if you can help, you have a moral and ethical obligation to at least sometimes do that. We're going to plan a much bigger giving later on,

probably early summer, that we're going to try to do. We tried to vet a charity, but we can't. We were still trying to work on that. But as it stands right now, if you have a few extra bucks and you want to spend it, this is a great way to spend a little bit of money, uh, to help someone out. Abortions for all. Very well. No abortions for anyone.

Abortions for some miniature American flags for others. Yay! So this first story comes from fox59.com. Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others. So this first story comes from Fox59.com. Governor Pence signs controversial abortion restriction bill into law. This is from, unsurprisingly, the great state of Indiana, that wonderful bastion of progressiveness. The bill was something like they have to be, we're not going to abort until they're old enough to vote is that what it is is that until they can vote republican i think you know i think the the opposition to abortion in indiana is probably because anybody

who finds out they're both pregnant and in indiana would immediately seek to abort that human being rather than have them born in indiana exactly fucking there are syrian refugees upon being resettled in indiana yeah beg only to be shipped back to syria yeah please can you actually put me in a barrel bomb they look they look around they're just like i like it's like you could put a fucking hood on them and then take them out of syria and then put them in Indiana. And then they take the hood off. They'd be like, I thought we were going somewhere.

What did you just shake me for 14 hours? They look around. They're like, it's just like Syria, but it smells like meth. Like it's just, it's Syria with a meth problem. That's all. Everyone hates me here too. It's Syria, but more racist it's syria and they like they like basketball not soccer oh yeah it's it's isn't it fucking crazy that this guy one of the things that he says in this story

is he says you know and i'm gonna paraphrase i'm not gonna read what this dipshit said but he says something to the effect of hey hey, I go visit all these kids with these Down syndrome and their families, and they're just so strong and such a great, it's so beautiful what they do, and they're so awesome, and I just don't want to, I want to make sure that we have that, that that's a thing that continues to exist. one, just because you can, if you find out your kid has Downs, abort it, doesn't mean you have to, right? So that's number one. The other thing too is, what about for the kids? And I'm not going to say that it's better to not exist, but he's talking about how great it is. What about for the ones that are abused? Because if you look, people that are abused are often the mentally disabled. Those are the people who are abused? Because if you look, people that are abused are often the mentally disabled. Those are the people who are abused because they can't tell anyone else. They don't have anywhere to go.

They don't know the systems. You know, like the kids that are born with any kind of developmental disablement or, you know, any sort of challenge of an intellectual or physical nature that happen to be born into stable, loving homes with resources to take care of them, you know, great. That's, you know, I mean, fine. None of my business either way. But, you know, the likelihood of a positive outcome is much higher than that same kid being born into a home that's unstable, that doesn't have, you know, resources, educational or financial, medical or otherwise. resources, educational or financial, medical or otherwise. And, but we have this sort of like,

we have this sort of Sandra Bullock sort of bullshit myth around, you know, what kind of homes these kids are going to be born into, that they're all going to be born into these loving, stable homes with these fucking super moms and super dads. They're going to rise to the occasion. And some people just don't. Yeah. Some people just don't, and they can't, and they don't have the resources, and they don't have the emotional and physical wherewithal to raise these kids. We're talking about finding out that somebody is going to be born with severe developmental disablement at 20 weeks or prior, 23. This is not a fully forged human being yet. The abortion, it's not like it's like, oh, well, fucking,

he came out and he's fucking quirky from life goes on and then we put a sword through his face. That's not a thing. Yeah, this isn't Game of Thrones. You know, so. I mean, if you're an Indian, it's more like The Walking Dead anyway. You can't tell the difference, actually. Nonetheless, this fucking asshole is like, by enacting this legislation, we take an important

step in protecting the unborn while still providing exception for the life of the mother. I signed this legislation with a prayer that God would continue to bless these precious children, mothers and families. Like, motherfucker, if God was blessing these kids, he wouldn't have them born with fucking developmental disablement, right? He wouldn't be like be like oh you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna go ahead and bless you with you gotta rely on your parents of the state for the rest of your life blessings upon you bitch i could have given you fucking like a regular developmental path but instead i don't know just harder for you why fuck off yeah exactly. Yeah, exactly. Blessings upon you, bitch.

And the idea that every kid's a blessing, right? It's fucking garbage. It's just garbage that every kid's a blessing. Well, if every kid was a blessing, then no one would choose to get an abortion anyway, and it wouldn't matter. You would never need this law because abortion clinics and abortion doctors, they'd have to dust off their whatever the fucking the grabby thing every time they needed it. Whatever, you know, the fucking coat hanger thing that they used to grab in there.

The surgical float. Yeah, no, it's the it's the it's the Roto-Rooter thing. They spin around, whatever. That thing. They'd be like, whatever. You don't need that thing. So I picked this story for a couple of reasons. This comes from express.co.uk. often heralded as being a sea of moderation in the Islamic world amidst all of the chaos and all of the sort of extremism.

Sure. Come on, they're not chopping people's hands off over there. Not quite, but they're dickheads. So super terrible. So I picked this because a lot of times these apologists will say, oh, but, you know, I mean, you're talking about all this bad shit. What about Indonesia? What about Indonesia?

What about Indonesia? All right, so here's our story out of Indonesia today. Indonesia. Woman whipped by Sharia police until she passed out for having sex at Brit tourist hot spot. Yeah, but you know, the thing is, is they don't treat women as people. They're more like dogs, and I beat dogs. Jesus Christ, what the fuck? What the fuck? You can't beat a dog

i don't want to do that you can't beat it so so this story is just fucking first of all we've talked before about the the inherent uh evil of a sharia police right sure you cannot have a Sharia police, right? Sure. You cannot have a Sharia police and still have anything approaching an ethical legal system because the legal system is like, what's a super old book say we should do? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe it says we should whip a woman. You know what you should whip women for? Nothing ever.

That's what you should whip women for. Nothing ever. You know what you should whip anyone for? Nothing ever, right? i mean like the idea that you're beating a human being right is so barbaric at this point you know when people in the united states spank their kids other people in the united other than the world look over and think what the fuck is wrong with you people look at the messages all the time about that stuff because people see that and they think you guys beat your kids?

For reals? Right. Yeah, we do. I remember we talked about spanking, and we got emails like, wait, you would hit your kid with your hands? Yeah. And it's like, well, no. I mean, we use paddles. Because parts of the states, it's like, there are people actually advocating for the use

of implements, and specifically outlining which implements you should use because the Bible tells you which implements to beat your children with. It's not that much different here than this nonsense, right? But you just shouldn't hit people with stuff. Like, it's a really simple concept. Well, and it's not just hitting people with stuff. It's also, you're doing it publicly, right? This is a public square beating. This isn't a

somebody got beat in a back room, some weirdo beat somebody in a back room. No, not at all. Right. This is justice. This is not only pain but humiliation too. Because they want to humiliate this person and make them feel like what they did is wrong and then show the message to the

rest of the people that are there and say, hey, this is an evil thing and you need to not do it. And here's your deterrent. Your deterrent is we will beat the fuck out of you with this stick until you're physically in pain because this woman is crying. She has to be carried off. She was beaten so badly. Well, they said she passed out. It says in the story she passed out from the pain of being whipped. And what did she do?

Like, it's a crime of, like, she had sex with somebody. She didn't fuck a, like, she didn't do, like, it's a victim. First of all, it's a victimless crime. It's a non-crime, right? But it's a woman having sex, and women aren't allowed to have sex or enjoy sex or be sexy. Your sexuality is just fucking verboten in that whole culture. It's like cover up, be a shapeless fucking mummy person. And then if you don't or you don't do it enough or you don't do it more good enough,

then it's like, oh, well, let's take you to the town square and whip and beat and humiliate you. And this is justice. And this is from the most moderate state in the nation or in the area, in the region. It's absurd. It's absurd. What makes you think she's a witch? And this is from the most moderate state in the nation. Yeah. Or in the area, in the region. Yeah. It's absurd. It's absurd. What makes you think she's a witch? Well, she turned me into a newt.

A newt. I got better. Burn already! Burn! Burn already! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!

Burn! Well, this is also super fucking terrible. This is from the chronicle.co.zw. Teachers burn devil-worshipping student in Nairobi. So there's a secondary school in Nairobi, and there's a couple of teachers that are in fucking trouble because they figured this chick was a devil-worshipper, and they wanted her to confess and point out other devil worshipers.

And when she couldn't do that, because there's no such thing as the devil, they tortured this woman. They fucking burnt her with kerosene and plastic bags terribly. Yeah. And they didn't kill her. Nope. But this is a way in which they treat, they, they treat people that they think are witches and things in that, in that part of the world. They wind up with, uh, they wind up putting tires around them and lighting the tires on

fire. I found a couple of stories where they actually showed bodies inside of tires. No. Oh, really super unpleasant to look at. It turns out. Yeah. Turns out that's unpleasant to be in there. That's a terrible barbecue.

That's the worst. It's the worst kind. There's no, here's the problem is there's, it's all terrible barbecue. That's the worst. It's the worst kind. Here's the problem. It's all burnt ends, and there's no amount of sauce that makes that okay. The problem is the bark's a little thick. Oh, God. That's the... Oh, Jesus.

And I have to think that this has something to do with the missionaries that go over there that preach this crazy level of evangelical nutbag shit to those people to... Sure. You know what I mean? Because otherwise, where does... So we exported this. This is our problem that we created, right? We go over there, and the evangelicals will tell you. They're very open about saying that Africa is like the new... It's like the new motherland for conversion. Yeah, for missionary work. Yeah. It's like this is where they've turned their attention and their focus. They're very open and they're very proud of the work that they do. They go over and they sell this fundamentalist

version of Christianity over there. And what do you end up with as a result? Well, you end up with, you take poverty and you take a lack of education and you throw in fundamentalist religiosity and then you end up with people with fucking paraffin burns on their face and fucking tires around their necks and kerosene bags lit on their hands and necks.

Well, they, I mean, this is some, like this is some crucible shit, right? Yeah. This is is some like we're gonna torture you until you point out the other witches so we can go get them and torture them until they point out the other witches ad infinitum it's it's just it's a horror show upon a horror show if i was if i lived there man i would burn rubber to get out of it actually actually that's a bad phrasing but you understand what i mean i i do and it's ironic that the Pope doesn't want to give them rubbers. Yeah. And you know.

In the name of Jesus, we speak that. Chaka-huka-huka-huka-chaka. I'm hooked on a feeling. I'm high on believing. This is some fucking crazy shit. I love this shit. This is nutball shit, dude. We cover this every year. And I think we cover it from the CNN story every year. I really do.

Sure, yeah. So this is from CNN. Philippines, Easter Goodiday crucifixion this is this is amazing the filipinos crucified on good friday these fucking lunatics these devout catholics in the philippines they show their faith by by self-flagellation yeah and by voluntary crucifixion including some of them having the fucking nails, not even tied, but having the actual nails pounded through their flesh

into hunks of wood and being literally crucified for Jesus. The worst part about that is, is that after you get crucified and you come down, it's so hard to go on the Easter egg hunt because the eggs just fall right through your hand. You can't hold them. It's impossible.

You've got to hold them with your fingertips. Plus all that. But then you lose the hand. I mean, the hands really don't work very well after you drive nails through them, it turns out. I've heard that. So your grabbers aren't working as well as they normally are. Plus all that.

Might as well be a little T-Rex looking for those. Easter basket grass gets all stuck in there. It's just a fucking hassle to pull out of the. It is nice. It is nice to warm your Cadbury egg. And that's just like an egg. You walk up to hold that for me. I'll put it.

I'll put an egg timer on. These people are absolutely crazy. They beat themselves. They walk these big long strips and they flagellate themselves. Look at these photos. Like they've got these whips, right? And some of these are reasonable young kids, right?

And they've got these whips and they're penitents and they are just, they're beating the shit out of themselves. They're flailing and cutting. And I'm watching this and I'm thinking, you guys probably don't have access to good medicine because you all look like you live in fucking dirt hovels.

So you're all going to get fucking all the infections and shit from this. It looks terrible. I do love the outfits. This is like extreme cosplay. You know what I mean? I wonder if there's somebody who walks up to someone else and says, I don't know, that doesn't look like a great Roman centurion. They actually didn't wear the

little plumes in the center. They actually came out to this. I wonder if there's like a some sort of period Nazi who walks up and is judging their outfits. There was, but they crucified him. It turns out. He beat him with these sticks. They've got all the implements necessary.

I'm sorry, but your flagellant stick is plastic, and there is no way they would have had plastic back then. They didn't have access to plastic. It should be made out of reeds and donkey parts. And these people are like, but if they had plastic, they would have used it. It's always the argument for the anachronist. You look at these guys, and it's like, man,

there has to be a morning you wake up, and you're like, man, Jesus would have wanted me to be crucified. It's like, if I'm Jesus, I'd have been looking. I'd look down and be like, I didn't want to be crucified. Yeah. Didn't he do that so you don't have to? Right? Yeah. It would be like if you're the president and the Secret Service guy jumps in front of a bullet.

Right? He's like. And then you're the president. You're like, oh, man. And then you shoot yourself in the chest right you're like fucking the dude to be laying there like no man i got that shit i did it for you right i fucking hooked you up sure fucking shot yourself in the j you fucking now you're just fucking stupid actually that's just rude it's just rude right at that point you're you're just you're saying i didn't need you to do it for me.

Right. I'm going to do it myself. You fucking thumb your nose at my sacrifice. Fuck off. Jesus should be super pissed, man. He should be looking down through his one hand. He puts a mask. He's got an eyeglass thing in it.

He puts one in each, and it's like a telescope. Exactly, yeah. He's like, hold on, let me get it out. He looks through. Go, go, gadget hands. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com.

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rate us. You fucking rock. The story just makes me laugh. This comes out of katc.com, whatever. Always on news from Acadiana? Where the fuck could Acadiana be? Anyway, who cares? Hold on. We got to find out. Where the fuck could Acadiana be? It's got gotta be in louisiana well this is a update pastor abandons sealed coffin we'll use tent instead so this idiot pastor um was going to seal himself inside of a coffin for three days as like a uh reenactment of jesus getting sealed in a tomb because that's somehow somehow matchyy? I don't really know.

But then I guess he must have realized that he'll die of asphyxiation. So he punted and is like, fuck it, I'm going camping. But he's going to stay in a tent instead. He's going to stay in a tent. In a tent. Instead of a coffin for three days. It's not all the same thing. Is he going to have his own shitter in the tent?

Is he going to take one of those buckets? Because then, you know, first off, you're in Louisiana. Then you're also cooped up with your own shit. If you're in Louisiana, how would you even know there was a shitter? Everything's a shitter. You wouldn't even notice. That's fair. Right? That's fair.

No, it's fair. I was going to say something. I just, I have nothing. If you just fling your shit against the wall, you've cleaned up. Hey, Ma, I cleaned. Nice job. Those are some good streaks, Billy. If I only urinate in three

out of the four corners, that's fucking spring cleaning. Absolutely. Like, that's fucking, you're a guest at that point. It's like, I'm going to use the guest corner. Come on now, Billy.

We don't pee over there. you save that one for our city slicker friends to be in you can poop all the guest towels so this guy's gonna go in a coffin and then and then he was gonna go he was not anymore he's not gonna go in a coffin anymore and now instead he's gonna he's gonna camp i'm not sure which is worse actually because you know to be honest being in a tent for three days it sounds a lot like being in hell for three days well he would be in hell after day one of being in the coffin because you'll certainly fucking die coffins hurt breathing events like they don't like you could drill a hole in the side of it though i guess you could but then it's like this guy doesn't this guy wants to i mean

fucking if you sit in a tent at least you can read like fucking i don't know like fucking like a book or like the bible or whatever this guy's gonna read sure right if you're just in a coffin for three days just you gotta lay down on your fucking bed i don't imagine you could turn around very much because they're not meant for comfort. They're meant for corpses. They're hard to get out of. I mean, that lady in Kill Bill had to punch her four or five times. Yeah. She had to finger punch.

She had to punch it many times to get out. You are watching the beginning and the birth of the New World Order. And you want to call me crazy? Go to hell. Call me crazy all you want to call me crazy, go to hell. Call me crazy all you want. This story comes from Right Wing Watch. It's Glenn Beck. Hey.

Glenn Beck has the fucking biggest fucking anger hard-on for Ted Cruz ever. He loves Ted Cruz. God damn. So much. He wants to fucking rail that dude so hard. He loves him so much. So let's hear what Glenn has to to say this is from glenn's glenn looks like to be honest he looks like he's in the oval office he's got a desk and it's got a like a a uh a picture window behind him he kind of looks like he's the president i know he's looking

very president glenn beck is looking terrifyingly presidential more presidential than ted cruz could ever look yeah yeah ted cruz would look around the Oval I.F. office and be like, well, I'm surprised I made it here. Even as a guest. But then he says, but God has not revealed Ted Cruz as the divinely anointed alternative either. To you, Dr. Kidd. To you.

To you, God hasn't revealed Cruz as divinely anointed. I understand that. I respect your opinion on it. But here's mine. I have seen this man's life. I have watched this man. I have prayed about this man. I have prayed about it by myself, out loud, in quiet, with my family, with my staff. And I happen to believe that ted cruz actually was anointed for this time well good for you but he's not winning anything so what good is that it's like it's like it's like winning the fucking endorsement of the fucking you know like the the most recent winner of the fucking local pinewood derby who a shit? It didn't fucking get you one vote. It got one.

I will say this. I will say this. This kind of statement gets you a lot of votes. By saying, I mean, his father, his father essentially said the same thing. We prayed and then we got the word from God and God said, hey, go run for office go, uh, run for office or whatever, whatever he said. I don't know what he said, whatever he said. He said, Oh, go get him now

or whatever, you know, whatever he said. In any case, he's saying, God is telling us to do a thing. And that's convincing people that might be on the fence, might be thinking about voting for no, God wants me to vote for this. And he's doing the same thing. He's saying, look, I hope that this guy by myself and my family was around too. We all hope together. We all hoped in a big hope circle. We all hoped in a big, yeah, we just fucking, it was a hopeful jerk. We were actually all hopey Indians while we were doing it. That's what we, and, and you know what, I'm supposed to, I'm supposed to fucking care

that you thought a thought out loud or with your friends or with your staff and said, what do you think about this? Some weird fucking figment of my imagination and the figment answered. And I'm supposed to be impressed by that. The problem is, is that people are impressed by that. That's the problem. Yeah. But Cecil, not enough of them to sway the primary so far, you know, of all the presidential

candidates that have come out and been like, Jesus loves me. This I know for I ran for president today, they're all losing to Donald Trump, who's basically like, ah, fuck it, I'd fuck Jesus' ass. I don't care. I would shoot Jesus right through the fucking hand with a gun right now. I don't give a fuck. Get him up here. Get him up here, we'll pepper spray him. I don't give a fuck.

Go get him. Is he in the back, one of those hippie fuckers back there? He's probably one of those brown guys. Go fucking bring him up here, let's stump that fucking guy what do we think huh nobody cares i could kill a man right here on stage it doesn't like that i'm gonna do it i need a volunteer i know fucking hands down i only need one i mean honestly like all the like if i i would agree with you in like every and it certainly will sway some people, but clearly this election cycle, it's not working. Right, but I think that what we're seeing is something that traditionally worked not working, and it's very upsetting to the people that it used to work for.

So do you think that this is going to change the Republican Party's pander to the religious right? Because for so many years, all the Republican Party had to do in order to secure candidacies is they had to pander to the religious right. They had to say, you know, oh, we love Jesus so much and fucking suck that dude's dick

fucking 24 hours a day. And now it's not working. Like now they got a candidate who's blowing everybody out of the water who kind of could give a shit i mean he pays lip service but he's not blowing everybody out of the water though but i mean from trump on the republican side he's close enough cruises close enough where you can give him give him a little hell especially if people decide to jump ship from trump delegates can do that Yes, but from a winning state's perspective,

Trump is crushing them state for state. Trump is winning. Again, it's hard to say because the delegate thing is so fucking finicky. It is weird. The delegate thing is weird, and the fact that they can just be like, yeah, I'm just going to instead not do that.

I think that the whole thing is so bizarre. The whole thing is so bizarre. Well, here's what I hope happens, and I don't know if this is going to happen, but I not do that. I think that the whole thing is so bizarre. The whole thing is so bizarre. Well, here's what I hope happens. And I don't know if this is going to happen, but I hope this happens. I hope the Republican Party turns on Trump. Not because I don't want Trump elected. I don't want Trump elected. But that's not the reason I want them to turn.

Sure. I don't want Cruz elected either. I want them to turn on him because if they do, it's going to tear that whole party apart. And it may shake us from a two-party system. It may be the thing that shakes us out of a two-party system. The other thing that might do it too is fucking the people now who are Bernie supporters who are saying they might not vote for Hillary if she wins, if she wins the nomination. That may also shake this shit to its core too. if she wins the nomination, that may also shake this shit to its core too.

If they don't vote for her and they vote for Trump or don't vote at all, and then the same thing happens on the other side, it could really fuck up the parties and their stranglehold on what currently exists. Well, it's so weird this election cycle because we're very likely to see two candidates in the general, Trump and Hillary, that nobody likes. Yeah. Like, that have terrible approval ratings. I mean, these are people potentially coming into office whose approval ratings are generally disfavorable. Yeah.

Both of them. That's crazy. Yeah. Like, there has to be, at some point, a moment of self-reflection on both parties' side where you're like, wait a minute. We elected, everybody's looking around like we elected somebody we didn't even want here yeah like are you kidding me and i i the bernie thing if bernie doesn't make it and bernie he would take it would take a lot for him

to get make the comeback i know some people are there's a lot of pro bernie people out there that are saying it's no problem and he could totally do it and actually hillary should just concede today because it's it's gonna happen no problem. There's a ton of people who say that shit, but I don't believe it. What I will say is this. If Bernie doesn't get the nomination and Hillary gets the nomination, I will probably vote for Hillary, but I will not be excited

about the results of that election. And it's not because I'm a misogynist. I'm a huge advocate for women in government and actually to have more women in government. I would like and actually to have more women in government. I would like to see a lot more women in government. I would love to see it reach in the 30 and 40% range where there's actually women actively taking part

in the political system. I would love to see that. I'm just tired of Hillary Clinton. The only reason I want to see Hillary Clinton elected is because I am curious what they're going to call Bill Clinton. Is he going to be the first dude? The first lord? What is he going to be?

The first lady on the other side, is he the first mister? The first groom? What the fuck are you going to call him? You call him former President Clinton. That's what they're going to do. They're going to punt. They're going to kick that can down the road. God damn it.

You don't deprive me. You know you're going to do it. I want a first lord. Fox is going to call him the first husband. I want a first lord. A first lord, it would be amazing. That would be pretty great. A first lord.

Right? Yeah. Would there not be someone that was in the pool that might have the right qualifications for God? Is he that disinterested in all of us? It is impossible for me to reconcile the idea of a God or any force that takes interest in whether or not we are good or bad or right or wrong or where we put our penises or whatever. Yeah. Because all you have to do is, like, all I would do is look around and be like, well, there's still childhood cancer, so clearly God doesn't give a shit, right?

I just don't know how they don't get to step two in that equation. Right. That's the thing that baffles me is when you hear people talk, you didn't get to step two, you just gave the fuck up at step one and be like, God loves me and it feels like a big hug every time I pray. You didn't get to the part where you're like, well, he hugged my cousin way too much and he got cancer in the eyeball. Right.

What the fuck, man? And it's like, it's, you know, people want to, and I want to too, like people want to believe that there's some balancing of the scales. Like, I think that's a natural human inclination to believe that good things will happen to good people and bad things will happen to bad people. I think that that that's like who doesn't want to think that that's true everybody wants to think that that's true the problem i have is i have no ability to reconcile my desire for that to be true with the fact that like you know a toddler washed up on the beach fleeing syria yeah what that fucking kid didn't do shit yeah all that kid did was drown. That wasn't what he did. So

how can there possibly be a force that is balancing the scales that's being like good things for you, bad things for you. It doesn't, I can't get there. I could get there if everybody lived to adulthood and then sometimes good things happen to you and sometimes bad things happen to you and there was some kind of

rhyme or reason or machination to it. But instead it's just like, it's like, Oh, it's a horribly random situation you're in. Yeah. Right.

Or is it perhaps possible that just like in the Bible, people were raised from birth for a specific time. Are we that inconsequential? Dr. Kid, are you saying the fucking Ted Cruz was raised up from a child? What is he? Is he like one of the kids in 300? He's like a Spartan and they raise him up as a Spartan for his whole life. He's fucking reading law books at four, trying to figure out what kind of Senator he's going to be come back with your constitution or on it. And then, and then he goes through his phase where

he's talking about titty flicks in his teens. Wasn't there a sex scandal with him recently? Some kind of sex scandal? Yeah, but I'm not really sure exactly what happened with it because I don't, like I can't, first of all, the idea that Ted Cruz can even operate as a sexual being. I get it, I get it.

I know, it's like thinking about your grandma fucking your grandpa. Right. You're like, oh no, that's not a thing that happened. No. My brain fucking shuts off. There was a stork that brought that brought my parents right because i can't think of none a fucking grandpa i could just the thing is that i just think i i i do i think ted cruz is smooth down there like a cat doll yeah yeah right i totally agree i think there's just like a pubic bump and

that's like all there is got a it's just there's just like a small vaguely shaped hole for pissing up that's it i'm i'm not even convinced that's there part of me thinks he doesn't process waste or take in food he doesn't seem human he's too smooth yeah and featureless i know i know like it's crazy and i think the guy makes water sound tasty he's's so bland. I feel the same way. And when he talks about whether or not he was raised up for this, I'm thinking, raised? He's the most boring person ever. I know. Did they teach him to be boring?

That's why I think Glenn Beck likes him, right? It's like the reason why your very white father won't eat spicy food. the reason why your very white father won't eat spicy food you know because because you know it hurts him the next day and he's got he's on the toilet all day it's just a shitty day for him and his fucking asshole won't stop burning and he just it just it just leaves a bad taste in his mouth because he doesn't that's an adventure to him right sure glenn beck strikes me as a guy who doesn't like spicy food he strikes me as the guy who would you know he's the bland of the bland and for him this guy's a messiah this is the perfect being in his opinion because he's even blander than glenn beck he's the blandest of the bland this this guy

is the cream of wheat of people exactly it's like it's like everything tastes like nothing yeah everything tastes like the paste when you were in fucking grade school. You couldn't put anything in that to make it spicy. That's why I refuse to believe that Ted Cruz could possibly be embroiled in any kind of a sex scandal. It was a sex scandal like, well, still don't know what sex is. Not sure where my kids came from. Okay, where's that abortion bill? I'm going gotta sign that

real quick. Yeah, my wife has kids, but I feel vaguely uneasy with this. Like, really? Really? I don't know. They're all black. He's the kind of guy who would walk in on his wife fucking the pool boy and then let the guy finish on his face. You know what I mean? Oh, just come get me when you're done. Anyway. It's all Ted Cruz cuckold porn. He's just sitting there, and they don't have him handcuffed

or they're not tied up or anything. He's just sitting there like kind of eyes down waiting for his wife to get done getting fucked. His wife's, his wife's head is bumping him in the chest with every thrust. One, one of her legs, one of her legs is over his shoulder.

And he said, she's getting real. He's like, whatever. It's just like, that's great. He pulls out his phone and does words with friends for a few minutes. The other dude is like,

pull her hair for me. My hands aren't free. Hey, Ted, could you ask her if she likes this? Ebola Obama SWAT teams apprehend you. You'd be a zombie. You'd be a zombie. You'd be a zombie. Not some left-wing liberals.

Ebola. A walking dead. Damn. These beats are so fresh snap sister he also comes from right wing watch uh rick wiles antichrist obama is the true leader of isis sure he is bro this guy is obama is the leader of isis he's the leader of isis what he it's hard for him to get away from the Secret Service to do their secret powwow meetings

once in a while. I wonder if he Skypes them. ISIS FaceTime. No, guys. Here's what I want you to do. A coordinated tag in Brussels next week if there's any way you could do that. Alright, so here we go.

Rick Wiles. Jihad Barry Obama promptly criticized. There we go. Jihad Barry Obama. Jihad Barry Obama. Awesome. That's great. That sounds like an awesome drink, actually.

I'll have a Barry Obama. I'll have a Jihad Barry. Can you put it in the blender for me? That's awesome. Whip that up, actually. I want one of those ones that comes out of the soft serve. The Barry Obama. Those are delicious.

You get those girls on spring break drinking them drinking a jihad barry obama they just get tanks i'll tell you what two or three of those yeah fucking throw some beads i'll tell you how much talk them into some ted cruz you can pull those beads like starting a lawnmower you could talk them into ted cruz watching nobody could talk i don't care how drunk you get a girl. She's not watching fucking Ted Cruz. She's not letting Ted Cruz watch? No. No.

I could definitely talk Ted Cruz into it. I've always wondered how it works. I don't. You see, I have this bump. I don't have a thing. Is her hole in the front? I don't have a thing. Is there a hole in the front?

Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz for suggesting that police should patrol American neighborhoods that have a high percentage of Muslim residents. Mr. Obama made the remarks while visiting Argentina. He called police patrols of U.S. Muslim communities un-American. What are they not going to do anything? We haven't seen any violence. Like, the largest Muslim community in America that I'm aware of is Dearborn, Michigan. Yeah. You know how much fucking terrorist attacks we've had out of Dearborn, Michigan?

No terrorist attacks out of Dearborn, Michigan! No terrorist attacks out of Dearborn, Michigan. Terrorist attacks in Dearborn? I don't understand. What are you looking for? That's the other thing. It's like, if I'm a Muslim in a Muslim community, I'm not going to bomb my own community full of my own people. Yeah.

Like, even if I was a fucking homegrown terrorist, I'm not going to be like, guys, let's blow ourselves up. Yeah. Fucking, that's not what they're doing. Nobody's doing that. The last big thing that happened was the San Bernardino thing, right? That was when that guy got. Why aren't they patrolling San Bernardino? Because it's full of rich white people.

Because it doesn't matter. Because the way terrorist attacks work, patrolling doesn't help. It doesn't fix anything. A patrol would not have stopped any of our terrorist attacks work, patrolling doesn't help. It doesn't fix anything. A patrol would not have stopped any of our terrorist attacks. And if I'm a terrorist looking to do fucking evil shit and all I need is a handful of fucking readily available weapons, like let's not pretend America's not what it is, right? I can just go out. I could go out tonight.

What fucking time is it? Yeah. It's 11 30 i am reasonably self-assured that if i put my mind to it i could find myself a gun tonight it's not that hard it's it's america sure it's not that hard if i couldn't do it tonight it's fucking what is it wednesday yeah i'll have one friday yeah there's no way i don't have one friday if i don't know what friday of saturday i'm not that big of a rush the point point is I can get guns. Guns are easy to come by, even big guns, super shooty guns.

That's all I need to fucking be an evil dick. Mr. Cruz was also condemned by the radical leftist Jewish group ADL. In a statement released on Tuesday, ADL CEO Jonathan Greenblatt said in a statement, Tuesday, ADL CEO Jonathan Greenblatt said in a statement, quote, As we saw in Brussels today, violent terrorism is a legitimate concern for the home front, but demonizing all Muslims is a misguided and counterproductive response to the terrorist threat posed by those motivated by a radical interpretation of Islam. Mr. Obama said ISIS is not a threat to america it's not they're not really though what's isis going to do i mean like look that's not to say that there might not be other terrorist attacks that affect america individual american citizens but on a fundamental level on a uh you know is

america safe and in the big way right more people get killed in traffic accidents than by ISIS. Like more people get killed by, you know, taking too many prescription drugs than ISIS. Didn't more people die from recent shootings in the United States than they died in the terrorist attack in Brussels? Yes. The Newport shooting, I think, had more people that died. It's that the Newport shooting, I think, had more people that died. We're talking about, we're talking in percentage and statistical terms,

they're not a threat in any real way. Why is it that we're so worried about what ISIS is going to do when, like we said, their last attack, the Brussels attack, I'm not discounting that that's a horrible thing. It's absolutely a horrible thing. Sure, it's monstrous. It's monstrous and horrible, and those poor people, they get stuck, and all the chaos that goes with that

and all the people that survived it and injured, and it's just terrible. And the flight delays. It's terrible. God, you've got to spend time in Belgium. There are going to be people stuck on the tarmac for hours.

Probably, I will say this, I hope you went out for waffles. But in any case, the fact is that we don't have that kind of uproar when we shoot a bunch of kids

in an elementary school. When a fucking crazy person walks in with a fucking gun and blows a bunch of little kids' heads off in a fucking elementary school, nobody on that side of the fence

is saying, oh my gosh, we need to patrol, we need to do all this stuff. Nobody's saying any of that shit. The worst thing they were saying

is we need to arm teachers is what their what their fucking solution was more guns that fucking solution more guns into the fucking yeah i hate that what we should do is fucking take people who aren't getting paid a lot and make them put their life on the line with a pistol but you know what pisses me off about that solution is that there's nothing that says that teachers aren't going to be the one that the next one that snaps isn't going to be the fucking teacher. Absolutely, absolutely. It's like we're just going to pile guns on, and then what? Now the teachers have guns.

Well, fuck, a teacher's going to shoot up the school, and then we're going to be like, well, fuck it, the janitor gets a gun. Then a janitor shoots up the school, and it's like, well, fuck it, give the super, the PTA's got guns. Then fucking the doors are made out of guns, and the kids are made out of guns. There's guns in every desk everything in america is made out of guns constantly shooting at everybody our only solution is to shoot more yeah at no point do these people ever stop and say we should shoot less shit with

less guns nobody says that nobody is saying their solution is to swallow the spider to catch the fly. That's exactly it. That's exactly that's that's that is their solution. It's fucking it's it's so stupid. But I will say that that there's not a level of of of outrage that is this level of outrage. Right. Because the level of xenophobia that's also inherent in this is also pretty apparent. And Ted Cruz is tapping into xenophobia when he's talking about this stuff so that he can get those people to vote for him.

You know, Edward, I think the real threat to America is Barack Obama. I think you might be correct. I mean, here we are. We've got a president who was in Havana, Cuba, enjoying his trip, visiting Raul Castro, having his picture taken, standing in front of a portrait of Che Guevara. Okay. So?

So what? Wait, am I a communist now? Did I miss something? Yeah, no. Hey, dude, are you a communist? Yeah, dude,, am I a communist now? Did I miss something? Yeah, no. Hey, dude, are you a communist? Yeah, dude, I totally became a communist today. Huh. Yeah.

I guess I did too, but I didn't notice it. Yeah. You have to cut off part of your penis. Wait, why? No. I was using that. Not very well, but I was using it. I was fumble-fucking my way with that.

What the hell? No! Just getting reacquainted. Could only find 51 seconds to talk about the Brussels terrorist attack. And then... Oh, he didn't talk about it enough for you. Yeah. That's why Obama is the biggest threat to this country,

is because he only talked about the terrorist attack for 51 seconds. Yeah. The one that didn't happen in our country. Yeah. The terrorist attack that did not happen in the United States. This is a great fucking line of logic, buddy. Attended a baseball game and was seen doing the wave. Oh, my God.

The horror of it all. The wave. The wave. What was he supposed to do? The tsunami. He was supposed to fucking dress in black and fucking beat himself until he bleeds? What was he supposed to do? The tsunami? He was supposed to fucking dress in black and fucking beat himself until he bleeds? What was he supposed to do? He was supposed to go specifically over and punch ISIS in the face.

What do you expect him to do? Punch ISIS's face. When another country has a problem, some sort of terrorist attack, is he supposed to drop everything and run to Brussels and fucking do triage in the airport? Yes. What is he supposed to do everything and run to brussels and like fucking do triage in the airport yes what is he supposed to do that would please this guy because he he didn't fucking i mean what he didn't he didn't like immediately spend a four-hour press conference boring people to death on what what are what our policies are on this or something i don't understand what is it that you're mad about? He went on with his day? I think it's like those people

that criticize Bush, and I've criticized Bush for just about everything, but like when Bush was reading that book to the kids, and then he found out about 9-11, and he finished doing what he was doing. Remember that? He was reading the book. Because that's how you because the guy's got other responsibilities! What he should have done was

scare all the kids. Right. Exactly. Hey, kids, we're under terrorist attack. Oh, hang on a minute, kids. The next 40 seconds, it all hinges on the next 40. No, it's fucking stupid, right? These are leaders of the world.

It's not like they're the only guy working, right? Yeah. It's not like it's like, what do we do? I don't know. Call Barack Obama. He's busy. Well, then there's nobody else to work on the problem. Yeah. If nobody's manning the red phone, we're fucked. you know it's not like it's like what do we do i don't know call barack obama he's busy well then there's nobody else to work on the problem yeah if nobody's manning the red phone we're

fucked right it's just like all of a sudden it's like oh fucking put up the barack obama symbol the president called in sick no president today i guess canceled government well people in brussels were still scooping up the body parts in the airport. So what? Is he supposed to go over there and help scoop? He's got like a fucking butterfly net full of hands and fingers. You know what you want?

There's a real disconnect with this guy. You know, it's not that he's mentally out to lunch. I think the guy went to the ballgame to chill out because he's winning. That's part of a victory wave, right? It was his victory wave. Everybody else was stressed out.

Everybody else was upset about the terrorist attack. He wasn't because he's getting what he wants. He got what he wanted? He got a fucking coney dog or what? I don't understand what he got. What did he get? So wait. So step one is ISIS bombs an airport in Brussels.

A direct order from Barack Obama. Right. Barack Obama's like, ah, yes, got that airport. He's tapping his fingers together, Mr. Burns style. Right. Yeah, exactly. And then step two is what? Like Brussels surrenders?

Like, oh, no, we're ISIS. Yeah. Really? No, I don'ters like oh no we're isis yeah really no actually they doubled down i think they closed their borders too so okay you know what their plan is no their plan i think the the the terrorist plan is is to cause as much mayhem in the countries that took in the people from the refugee crisis. Cause as much mayhem as they can. So dissent. So that they can treat those people badly. And so then those people will create a cycle of people that will then continue to- And radicalize them in house.

Radicalize them over and over again. But then you radicalize them because they're already in. That's a good strategy. And so now all you have to do is just keep on blowing things up and then inciting the public to think these people are the enemy, but they're already in our country. I think that's what their plan is. It seems like that's what their plan is because that's what they keep doing in these different

countries. They did it in France. They did it in Brussels. They did it a couple other places. Sure, that's a good point, right? It's a simple plan. It's almost certainly going to be effective. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers? I want the truth!

You can't handle the truth! This is the way we end the show. Jim Baker, government will mow down the Christians for praying. This is televangelist Jim Baker. I don't know if you've seen Heidi Baker's vision. No. She saw America. How would I see her vision?

Wait a minute. How would I see her vision? Why do we care? Why do I care that you thought a thing or you dreamt a dream? Why do I care? Oh, my God. I so don't care. It's like sitting next to an asshole on a train.

It'll be like, I had this really weird dream last night. I don't fucking care, man. Fucking you thought a thing. Big deal, man. You love it. Holy shit. Who cares that someone thought a thing. Big deal, man. You love it. Holy shit. Who cares that someone thought a thought? But even if I did care, how am I supposed to see somebody else's vision?

It'd be like, that's as stupid as if I said. What, do you have an Oculus Rift hooked up to her face? Right, like if I was like, Cecil, did you see my dream last night? You'd be like, no, that's not how dreams work, asshole. Like, oh, right. That's a fucking really stupid question. Oh, I guess I will kill myself. Oh, man. By the way, just to be clear, you didn't see my dream last night, right?

Is that the one with the mama son putting raw eggs up your ass? Is that the one? That was yesterday. Okay. Oh, that was when we were at the parlor. Okay. That wasn't a dream. That was a reality.

I'm sorry. And she saw lines for food. Lines for food, Tom. Oh, I wonder what he's selling. He's selling food. Well, here's the thing. He's selling food. The other day, I went to buy a pair of pants, and I stood in line. Lines for pants.

For 45 minutes. Lines for pants. To buy pants. I am actually shocked by that. I almost. You are not standing in line for 45 minutes lines to buy pants i am actually shocked by that i i almost you are not standing a lot for 45 minutes but the line was moving so fast it was really long but the line was moving so fast i didn't really notice and my wife was still shopping so i was willing to stand in line while that's the only because i know you yeah and i know that you will walk to a place with a thing look at a, and just abandon your thing.

I know you've done it. I've abandoned a few things. I can see you standing there with pants in hand, looking at the line, and just opening your hands, letting them drop to the ground. I wouldn't do that. I would put them somewhere that they didn't belong and then walk out.

Set them on a shelf and piece out of it. Like inside of someone else's cart or something. Here, have these tents. I mean, pants. I mean, when you're shopping at Gander Mountain. And they drove up in new cars. You know, new cars. They were dressed well.

And she assumed that it was suddenly. Yeah, because their clothes were still intact. Good. I'm glad she assumed it was suddenly. Yeah, because their clothes were still intact. Good. I'm glad she assumed it was suddenly. We're not only believing that someone else had a vision, we're also taking their interpretation of the vision. So not only do they get to have the

vision, but then they get to fucking tell us exactly what it means. I had a dream. I don't know what it meant. Here's what I think maybe it meant. By the way, buy my slop buckets. It's very convenient that this dream has to do with slop buckets. Right?

You know what I mean? It's really convenient. When all you have is a hammer, every product. Super convenient that your fucking buckets of inedible trash are what the fucking focus of the dream is. Your bucket's a wallpaper

paste or whatever the fuck that shit is. When all you have is an apocalypse, good lord, every problem is a slop bucket. God damn. And they were wearing nice clothes. And she said God has warned her that this is going to happen suddenly in America.

Right. And the rich will be standing in food lines. Look, we've collectively always decided that we don't care if the poor stand in soup lines, right? Yeah, yeah. They stand in soup lines today. Nobody gives a shit. Poor people are hungry. Ah, fucking news at 11, bitch. Poor people have been hungry for a long time, yeah.

But now, oh, the rich people will be hungry. They're in nice outfits. Oh, man. So that means you, audience. Yeah, right? Hey, I don't know if you see the order form on your table. But slop buckets are available. Two-for-one buckets.

And that backs up exactly what I've been trying to tell you. Be ready. Be ready. Be ready. Are you ready? Be ready. Be ready. Are you ready? Get ready.

Are you ready ready? Get some ready whip. That's how ready you should be. That's awesome. Are you ready, Freddie? This guy doesn't know what he's going to say the next moment, though. You pegged him a long time ago as making it all up as he goes along, and this guy makes it all up as he goes.

He's amazing, and he's so bad at it. He is terrible. Years and years and years of doing this, and he's terrible at it. You know, some people are good off the cuff. This guy is like the reason the teleprompter was invented. The inventor of the teleprompter is rolling around being like, use my thing. You're terrible at this.

Be ready. Be ready. Are you ready to serve God if they're going to cut your head off? What the fuck? First off, how are you going to serve God if they cut your head off? Wait, are you going to serve him your head? On a platter? I don't understand how you serve God.

You're like the headless horseman just running around fucking head under your arm like hey god you need a drink you're like one of the people in the fucking beetlejuice waiting room you know it's like oh i lost my head here it is under my arm oh i better take a number two years ago god spoke to me i was supposed to start preaching it and nobody would accept it i'm how are you going to tell people the church needs to be ready yes to have their heads cut off to say i'm going to tell people the church needs to be ready to have their heads cut off to say, I'm willing to die for the gospel of Jesus Christ? Nobody's coming

at you, bro. They make it seem like they're under the surprise. It's that victim card. It's the be ready to be attacked. Guys, it's right around the next corner they're going to be killing Christians. So guys, be ready for it.

And in the meantime, fund this ministry, because we're the ones warning you about it. There is such fear in the church. I mean fear. Not just fear of ISIS. Not just fear of one thing. But fear of not being

politically correct until you will be murdered if you preach the gospel of Jesus Christ. Is that right? It is. They're timid. They're and they're intimidated. It's over, people. Stop interrupting him. Jesus, what are you, Tom? What the fuck is wrong with you? That's rude. I mean, what are you, Eli Bosnick? What's wrong? No, he's more accurate than Eli. Andy, he's letting the other guy talk, so there's no way. Over people, the gospel is over in the United States of America if we're not careful.

We have turned our back on the Bible. We haven't, dude. There's more Christians than non-Christians in the United States. How have we turned our back on the Bible? Your show is televised. Your show! How do you possibly look around being like, hey guys, ready, lights, camera, action.

Christians can't talk. Next time Christian Ministry Show. What? Exactly. What? We can't preach the Bible anymore. You're the one doing it right now on TV. It's like, I just said it.

You're doing it. You're like, you are a Bible-talking guy on a television show. Holding a Bible, talking about it. Like right now. Fucking, I can't do that. talking guy on a television show. Holding a Bible talking about it. Like right now. I can't do that. It'd be like driving around in a car and be like, they got rid of all the cars in America.

Fucking get rid of a car. I could tell you stories that would curl your hair if your hair's straight. And if your hair's curly, it'll curl it even curlier. No, I think it'll straighten it right up. And if you got curly hair, straighten it out it even curlier. No, I think it'll straighten it right up. And if you got curly hair, straighten it out. I'm serious.

Fuck you. Fuck you. You listened to this already. I didn't. I didn't. You fucker. I know what he's going to say. This guy's fucking... And if you got no hair, it'll grow hair.

Come on. Come on. Speak to the bald ones. If I told you what I live through and what I go through and what I am facing because of those who really, what we would call the old-fashioned gospel, which is just simply the Bible, anybody that wants to stand on the absolute word of God, you don't have much.

What the fuck do you mean? What did he even say? This is like he doesn't know what he's talking about. He has no point. He starts a sentence, and then he's like, anyway, I have this sentence, Apple bottom, teenage, giraffe, purple, monkey, model. And you're just like, what does that mean? I mean, whoever thought, I mean, I heard Donald Trump,

and this is what everybody's talking about anyway. But it was so crazy because whoever thought you'd have a president or man running for president that would say, next Christmas, we're going to say Merry Christmas in the United States again. Yeah. That's crazy. No, I'm not endorsing it. I'm just saying.

I say Merry Christmas every year. Yeah. Yeah. How could that be a point to run for president on? Well, it's an easy talking point. Yeah. It's cheap. You know, it's fucking cheap and it's not anything.

It's just like all the rest of the stuff he's running on that doesn't exist. This is a guy who just yells, make America great again. Yeah. Right? We're really worried. Like, wait a minute. What about if one of his substantive platform items is actually just meaningless buzzwords? Yeah.

Like, where's the guy who just yells, make America great again? Sure. How could that be a point to run for president on? Yeah. How could it be? How could it be? Hold on a second. Did his voice crack there?

Let's just do that again. Yeah. How could it be? That it's been almost illegal to say Merry Christmas? It's not illegal. You can say fucking anything. No, no, no, no. He said almost illegal. What Merry Christmas. It's not illegal. You can say fucking anything. No, no, no, no. He said almost illegal.

What exactly is almost illegal? Not illegal. What does that mean? Not illegal. Almost illegal. That's what it means. It's nothing that's almost illegal. It's like being a little pregnant.

Right? It's a fucking stupid thing to say. The big department store says you cannot say Merry Christmas. They said it. I know people that work at those stores. St it. I know people that work at those stores. Stores. I know people that work at those stores. It sounded like he was

auditioning for one of the death metal bands that play on this show all the time. I know people that work at those stores. Wait, what? You know people that work at those stores. They were told, do not say Merry Christmas anymore. You can say Happy Holidays, but you cannot say Merry Christmas. Yeah, I have a great idea. When you go, it is

Christ's birthday, right? It's Christ's Christmas. At the Christmas season, when you're in a store that won't say Merry Christmas, they always ask you when you place your order, what's your name? Tell them your name's Merry Christmas. Then they have to call your name out. When was the last time you were in a store and they had to call your name? The only place I can think of is Starbucks that they do that. Or like fucking, I can't think of another place. What are you buying where they're like, what's your name? You don't have to give them a name.

It's like when they ask your email address. Sometimes they'll say like, my email's Merrymas at merrychristmas.com nobody cares like you didn't fix a problem what if i said what if it worked what if i said it and then like the cashier has to say merry christmas back to me oh man that's subversive dude oh wow so now like what jesus smiles a little broader the apocalypse doesn't happen Like the rain of fire that's going to fucking decimate the population is held off for one more day because some dipshit fucking cashier standing at the fucking Nordstrom was like, oh, I had to say Merry Christmas. Someone tricked me into saying Merry Christmas.

And Jesus is happy. God damn it. An angel got their wings today because of me. Because of me. I hate you angels. Order 33 for Merry Christmas. What is it? Like a Panera?

I guess. I've never gone to a retail store and they're like, order 33 is ready. I'm fucking standing right here at the cash here. I don't understand why you're yelling across. All anybody tries to do is sell me Kohl's cash. That's all that ever happens

at those stores. Do you want a Kohl's card? No. Do you want this card? No. It'll give you fucking 100% off your order for life. No! I just want to buy a thing! Why are you making it so complicated? They don't yell your name across the store. Tom bought some pants!

Who does that? Actually, Tom just bought one pair and he sewed them all together. I bought the whole rack. I have one rack of your finest, largest pants, please. But Jim, this is going back to the spiritual uprising. Yeah. Who is telling us that we can't say Merry Christmas? No one.

Nobody is telling you that. No one's saying christmas no one nobody is telling you that no one's saying it especially as a patron in a store like and that's the other thing too is they confuse what you can do as a private walking around dude with what you can do when you're at work there's all kinds of things i can't do at work they make me wear pants yeah you know sure fucking that's super uncomfortable i hate those things but they're real insistent on it they cut off the blood flow to my lower fucking slug torso i yeah but like they're like oh pants and the thing is like i look like jabba the hutt so i only have one tube They. They. Why are we obeying them, Jim? Why?

Why are we obeying them? Every time there's a, let's say a high school, you're talking about a high school graduation and you can't pray. Who says you can't pray? A stupid judge 500 miles away in a courthouse says you can't pray? And an atheist who has taken it before the judge. Yes. 500 miles away in a courthouse, says you can't pray. And an atheist who has taken it before the judge. Yes. Yeah, fucking atheist.

Those guys. You goddamn killjoy. Good for you, though, bro. Looking awesome. You know why it's awesome? It's not awesome for any other reason than it makes Jim Baker mad. Right. That it's awesome.

If Jim Baker sells one less bucket of slop. If he is inconvenienced by the thought for a mere moment, your work is done here. So what happens if in that graduation most of the parents stand up and recite the Lord's Prayer? What are they going to do? The judge going to come over and arrest you?

Judges don't arrest people. Unless you're Judge Dredd, then you arrest people. But then you also kill them. That's because you are the law. Yeah. Law. Law. So we want to thank all of our patrons, of course, we want to thank Zach, Richard, Brendan, Mary, James, Jay Mathis,

William, Matthew, Victoria, Daniel, Chris, Nicole, Kevin, Antonio, you are ripping my hole. That doesn't sound like your real name. Patrick, Kevin, Kitty Catorce, another Patrick. This is Patrick D Dustin Teresa Sean

Ed Cody Daniel Shane Jesus I guess it's Jesus I think it would be Jesus Jesus

De La Glory Holio Mary Shane Jason Phil Robert Finger Me me rectum. Jesus Christ. Okay.

Elliot's. That's a patron goal, actually. I mean, if that's your thing. Look, hey. At a certain patron goal, we'll finger your rectum. I'm not. That's a high fucking bar. Well, it's pretty low bar.

Come on. Who are you kidding? A couple of shots of bourbon and you're ready to finger anyone's asshole. A low bar is what I excel at crawling over, Cecil. Where did I leave off? Finger me rectum. Okay, that's easy to find. How did you?

It's easy to find, Tom. All you got to do is just dig a little. It's a tickle spot. Jesus. Finger me rectum. I think it's a pirate. Finger me rectum. That's some

fucking serious cosplay. Just stick your whole peg leg in there. There's that moment where you're getting comfortable. You're ready to ask for what you want. It's like a little to the left. If you could just pop down there for a moment or two,

you know, kind of get things working. You know, if you could finger me rectum. All right. We still have more Elliot, Joshua, John Horatio,

Daniel, Sam, James, Emmanuel, Heather, Bernice, Colin, Craig,

Brandon, and Adam. Thank you also very much. Your generous donations go a long way to making sure this show is possible. We really can't thank you guys enough. Glory Hole Studios would not exist without your generous support. So thank you all so very much.

And we signed a lease, so we need that support to continue. So we got a message from Dee, and Dee said she was sitting at her desk and her boss came in and she took her headphones off. She was listening to the Pastor Manning episode at a low volume, so we got a message from d and d said she was sitting at her desk and her boss came in and she took her headphones off she was listening to the pastor manning episode at a low volume but it was still semi-audible and you could and you couldn't tell what's being said during one

of manning's rants my boss asked what are you listening to it sounds like a baby getting hit with a cat a little specific that is. We got this awesome message from someone, and I don't want to read off who they are because clearly they have a respectable job, but someone who works at the Naval Air Station in Meridian sent a message. This is in Mississippi and said, hey, if Cecil makes it down here

and you want to go visit the Naval Air Station, I could take you for a tour of this air station and show you where the jets take off and everything. It sounded so cool. I wish I would have got this email. I totally would have taken this person up on it. This was a super generous offer. I wish I was down there longer, but I got rained out and I left early.

Nobody wishes they were Mississippi longer. It's true. That's not true. But it was really generous. Thank you very much. That's awesome. That's awesome. Tom, we got a message about the Gwyneth Paltrow piece that we talked about.

The piece of Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah, so this is from Urien. It says, having listened to your latest episode, I need to point out an obvious oversight on your part. When you were talking about Gwyneth Paltrow's preference for steaming herself last episode, I was baffled that you did not seem to understand. She is a health food fanatic, so it is only natural that she likes herself

a good steamed clam. After all, seafood is pretty healthy. That's very true. That's terrific. Thank you. She's probably low in calories, too. So we got another message about what Ted Cruz looks like. Every week we get something new

and I gotta say, kind of looks like this, too. The best thing about Ted Cruz looks like. Every week we get something new and I got to say, kind of looks like this too. It's pretty, the best thing about Ted Cruz is he's malleable and shapeless enough to look kind of like everything. Yeah, he's the Plato of humans. Right. We got a message from Chris and Chris asks, have you ever talked to a Christian who successfully made you question your atheist beliefs? No, I've never had a moment where anybody said anything to me that's made me question my beliefs as an atheist. In fact, the most vulnerable time I can remember was when I just thought, I think I was just starting to think that I was an agnostic at that time. I was having like panic attacks and I was

really in an unpleasant place in my own head. It was really just a bout of existential anxiety, but I didn't know what that was, and it really was a very difficult time for me. And I remember having a conversation with a religious guy and realizing how absurd it all sounded. And so nothing they said, in fact, it actually reinforced my beliefs as, my non-beliefs as an agnostic, actually. I've never had an, I don't think I've, but I'll be honest, man, I don't know that as an adult, like I'm in college, yes, but as a real genuine adult person, I don't know that I've ever had anybody try to convert me. I don't even know that I've ever had a really serious conversation with

a really serious Christian who was trying to convert me in any meaningful way or convince me in any meaningful way all right time so this is a death metal band with a parrot for a singer yes hate hate beak hate beak so amazing here we go it's the greatest music on earth don't take your headphones off how could you hear it exactly how you hear it, buddy. That's so much. Yes. Yes. That's the best.

God, this is good music. Put your headphones on. Absolutely. Put your headphones on. I'm done listening to death metal. You're missing out. There's no one who's going to send me death metal. This is great. This is great. This is terrible.

All right. That's enough. That's so great. That's so great. Thank you very much for sending in Hate Beak. That was great. That was terrific. Oh, my God.

That's the greatest music ever. I do like the name, though. I will admit it. Hate Beak is hilarious. Hate Beak is a hilarious name. I will say that. It's hilarious. I will say that that is an will admit. Hate Beak is hilarious. Hate Beak is a hilarious name. I will say. It's hilarious. I will say that that is an excellent name.

The whole thing is hilarious because fucking death metal, like the death metal growling garbage fucking lyric singing, it's horrible. So you may as well have a bird just squawk at you. We got a couple messages about the ARC billboards that are happening down in Kentucky and they were going to happen in the, in that tri-state area of Ohio, Indiana, and Kentucky. And a couple people said, look, they're using tax dollars for this,

and these people have every right to be mad about this, and they have every right to be snarky. And you're absolutely right. That is a great piece of context that we didn't bring into the conversation that is true and that people have every right to be upset that their tax dollars are funding this fucking garbage ship that this asshole is creating. And it's millions of dollars.

It's not like Kentucky doesn't have other uses for that money. Exactly. It's like maybe we could get one person out of Squalor because then we'd have literally one person not living in Squalor. They could build that indoor flushy they've been looking at in the catalogs to get a message from jeff and evansville tom about indiana we did hey y'all i just listened to the latest episode 284 and being a resident of indiana i wanted to enlighten you on a couple of things. First, it is way harder to get out of Indiana than you think. I tried sucking dick for a Greyhound ticket.

I got a decent amount of cash from that, seeing as how I have no actual teeth, but it turns out Greyhound doesn't come through Indiana. Apparently, they have something called standards. Oh, Jesus. Also, I tried to hitchhike, but no one would let me bring my dog. I have one of those St. Bernard's with a little barrel around its neck I keep filled with methane Budweiser. Second, I've heard you say there's nothing interesting

in Indiana. This is not true. We have the world's largest cornfield. We call it Indiana. We also have one of the last year mating living crow magnum man species. We call him Mike Pence, and we made him the governor. That's so amazing. What a great message.

Thank you so much. I can't believe somebody from Indiana was able to pen that thing. I know. They had to hand it off person to person to get it to a place where they had internet. It's our one literate scribe. He's that guy what knows how to make squiggles into words. He's that magician. All right, so we got a message about the elite Coast Guard, Tom.

This is from Aaron. Aaron said, catching up on a show or two I missed, and I was pissing myself over elite Coast Guard. The thing is the Navy SEALs already feature an adorable animal as their mascot, so the Coast Guard would have to be an even less intimidating than a SEAL. Perhaps the Coast Guard otters, the manatees of insanity, or the elite dumpster gulls. Their highest combination given for acts of valor would be the honorary chocolate starfish, which is both shaped like a human anus and 100% milk chocolate with a pinch of sea salt.

It's great if you haven't tried it. And this is from Taiwan. That's awesome. Much love for your fans in Taiwan. This message is from somebody in Taiwan. That's great. That's amazing. Tom, we got a new source for stories

somebody sent you. We did. Mark sent me a link to beingchristian.net slash the weekly upchuck whatever. This is great. This is less work for me to do, to go story hunting. My only responsibility is to hunt for and find and post the stories. It used to be your responsibility to post the stories, although that hasn't happened in a long time. I still occasionally sometimes.

Man, occasionally. I look at that and I look at... Do that. If you look at our Facebook, it's maybe one story and then three episodes. I post the good ones. I post the good ones. And then a story and then... I felt like the people were getting inundated with...

That's true. You fill up their news feed with too much shit. And then it just falls off. When you're right, you're right. You got to hit them with just the most... You're right. The most impactful statements. You're right. Cecil. Yeah. Well, let's move on to hit them hard. You've got to hit them with just the most impactful statements. You're right.

Cecil. Yeah. Well, let's move on to the next thing. Tom, we've got a limerick. This is from Tyler. I do love a good limerick. There once was a lawyer named Ted. He tried to fit five in his bed.

His frequent erection derailed his election. His POTUS campaign is now dead. That's great. Tom, I got a message. This is a great message from George. And George says, I heard on episode 284 that your meeting was canceled by weather in Hattiesburg. The storm ended up dropping 13 inches of water where I lived. I see this as having one of two causes.

One, God punished Mississippi for having an extra atheist for a little bit. It's Mississippi and nothing important was damaged. Two, Mississippi couldn't handle your size and you were physically rejected. Like a bad kidney transplant. Yes, I think the second one is more apt. It's like when your body rejects an organ. But I thought every single person in Mississippi was on a mobility scooter at this point. Like, I don't think they came.

I will say this, though. I will say this. I drove all the way across the country, straight down to the bottom, and then all the way back up, right? I only said asshole when I came back to Chicago when I was driving. I'm like, what a fucking asshole. I only said that when I came back to Chicago.

The whole way down there, not really an issue. That's how you knew you were home. There was a little bit of assholery in trucks when I was down there, and people with big trucks cutting you off and whatever. But getting cut off on the freeway is not a big deal, but people like cutting over like four lanes of traffic and like getting out of their car and getting a Sunday or whatever

like that's that's a Chicago level asshole that you just don't get another places that you breathe a sigh of relief. Oh, it feels like feels like home. So we got a message. This is from Derek and Derek made us a Pastor Manning bumper. It ends on a high note. Wow. Thanks, Derek.

That's pretty awesome. Tom, we got a message about Detroit-style pizza. Yeah. So it says, hey, guys, I was listening to your latest podcast, and as a pizza chef from the beautiful city of Detroit, I thought I'd tell you about Detroit-style pizza. It's a deep-dish pie made in a rectangular pan coated with oil. The dough is allowed to rise to a thickness-fluffy state before cooking.

Toppings and cheese are added, with the cheese stretching all the way to the edges of the pan, causing a signature caramelizing effect. Traditionally, sauce is heated separately and added to the top after cooking in long, straight lines. I actually find this email difficult to believe.

I, first of all, can't imagine. This sounds delicious. It does. It sounds great. It sounds excellent. So I am am as a skeptic dubious that anything like this could come from a city like detroit yeah first of all he didn't mention garbage yeah or debris yeah detritus of any kind like i mean it's sure one has to assume that this would be baked in some sort of functional oven yeah and i'm not sure that i don't think i don't think they have them in state so right you need to cross over to windsor in order to use their oven it seems exhausting to

like you like you assemble the pizza and you have to like hop in the car and drive it like knock on fucking doors one thing they will have though they will abound in is yeast i'm sure so they'll have plenty of yeast that they could use actually they can heat it over like a barrel fire. Sure, yeah. I think it's like a brick oven pizza. This actually sounds great. You know what it really does sound like, though? It sounds a lot like Pequod's pizza with the sauce on the top of the cheese with the caramelized

outside, the cheese that goes to the outside and then it caramelizes out there. It sounds a lot like that. I would try this, though. It sounds great. I would try this, but I wouldn't go to Detroit to try this. Yeah, I don't know where else you could try it, though. I mean. Can they hella lift it out of Detroit to us? Dude, I like Middle Eastern food, but I'm not going to Syria for a fucking falafel, right?

That's very true. We got a bunch of messages on how to train your dragon. I guess there's a character named Gobbler or something, Cock Gobbler or something in there. And that's what they were talking about, the gay. I mean, Cock Gobbler, you got to figure. There's one throwaway line by the Cock Gobbler, and in there. And that's what they were talking about, the gay. I mean, Cock Gobbler, you got to figure. There's one throwaway line by the Cock Gobbler, and now everybody thinks he's gay. His name's Gobber.

And it was, get this dick out of my mouth. It's like, what's behind this glory hole? No, the line was something like Craig Ferguson, I guess, voiced the character. And Craig Ferguson said, that's one of the reasons why I didn't get married. That and another reason. And that's the whole thing. It's the whole thing.

And they guessed that they were- That's teaching kids to be married? It's teaching kids to be gay, I guess. I don't know. This fucking is amazing. We got a message from Michael. I'm just going to put this. If you want to see our Jewish Yeshiva World magic card

created by Michael. If you're a magic geek, go to this episode's show notes. This is episode 286. I want to play with this card. It's so awesome. This is a great card. I'm kind of tempted to print this out.

Yeah, it's so awesome. I'm going to get it, guys. I'm playing Yeshiva World. Next time, our hope, we don't know if it's true or not. We don't know if it's going to happen or not. But I think we're going to try to have David Michael from My Book of Mormon in studio for the whole show next time. That would be tragic.

I mean, fun. We'll see what happens. That sounds terrible. It does sound pretty terrible. That sounds terrible. Yeah. I hope he brings the hookers. I hope he cancels.

So maybe that'll happen next time. But until next time, we're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. powers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Consence.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Outro Music