Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 287: Deep in the Glory Hole with David Michael

Episode Date: April 11, 2016

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey, this is Joe, a patron from Colorado and full-time prospector. Just wanted to let you know something I believe in, that there is gold at the bottom of the glory hole. Hey guys, Molly here. Listen to your latest episode where you were talking about the developmentally disabled. I've spent the last 15 years, my entire career working with developmentally disabled from clients as advanced to be able to own their own homes and drive their own cars. We just need a little decision making help down to individuals who couldn't walk, talk, eat, feed, or sit themselves without assistance.

If I knew I was going to have a developmentally disabled child, I most definitely would abort it. And I work with the field every single day. And as for abuse, I can tell you that one out of every three of my clients will at some point in their lives be sexually abused. One out of two of those will be sexually abused more than once. And the majority of those will be sexually abused by staff or family. And most of them are not going to be born into families that are going to take care of them. Most of them will end up in group homes where people like me take care of them for the rest of their lives. So getting rid of abortion for the developmentally disabled, the only thing that's up securing is my job.

Thanks, guys. Glory Hole. Hey, Cecil. Hey, Tom. This is Josh from California. Glory Hole. Um, Lord Hall. And also, I'm three weeks in and 152 episodes into your back catalog. And I fucking love every goddamn second of it. Keep it going. Lord Hall and I have fun. Later. Hey people, I'm Tom.

This is Audrey from Ohio. I just wondered if anybody else noticed that when Glenn Beck was praying about Tom Cruise, he totally sounded like Dr. Seuss. I prayed by myself. I prayed on a shelf. I prayed with a friend. I prayed till the end. And I thought that was kind of fitting because I'm sure Hillbilly God really enjoys Dr. Seuss.

I want you to pray with a sock and in a box and on a boat eight inches to go. You get the idea. Anyway, we're in love. See you guys. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance.

Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news makes it big or makes us hard it's skeptical it's political and there is no welcome mat this is episode 287 ish of cognitive dissonance i like the ish on the other you know i'm hedging my bets sure i'm hedging my bet you know it's the best i can do these days just hedge a little bit and hope and hope that it works out just you know We're not committing fully. We're just going. I like that idea. We are joined by David Michael from a...

I think he has a show of some kind. No one actually gives a shit about a show. Hey, guys, can I come to the other side of the wall now? Fuck off! Fuck off! Who told you to fucking close your mouth when I'm... Slide the microphone to that hole real quick.

All right, thanks. There it is. All right, thanks. And I was wondering when a microphone would come through this hole. You need some water? Yeah, it looks like you're tearing up. I knew this would happen. Hey, let me throw you a towel.

Yeah, I got in a bit of trouble, and the judge said 100 hours of community service or one episode of Cog Dis. So here I am. I didn't know I'd have to spend the entire time on the other side of this wall. Seems a bit rude. It's the lesser of evils, right? It's like Kim Jong-un captures you, and it's like 20 years in a fucking North Korean gulag or one episode of Cognitive Distance.

I'll take Cognitive Distance, but only by a margin. You guys ever see that movie with, I think it's called Role Models. Have you ever seen Role Models, the movie where the kid is like a LARPer and you've never seen this? It's amazing. There's a woman, the woman,

and again, I don't know who these people are because I don't know any celebrity's name. I'm like the worst at knowing celebrity's name, but she's like a short-haired lady from the 40-year-old virgin who's always talking about how she wants to bed Steve Carell. Do you know who I'm talking about? The tall-ish, short-haired lady from the 40-year-old virgin who's always talking about how she wants to bed Steve Carell. Do you know who I'm talking about?

The tallish, short-haired woman. Super hot. No. I don't know. She's not hot. Dude, I'm just as bad at the same thing. You guys are terrible at this. I'm terrible at this.

I'm done telling this story. I don't even care. It doesn't even matter now. It's like fucking whatever. You guys aren't going to help me. I don't care. The other day I was sitting around and we were doing we're doing this Who Are Your Freebies thing. I don't know who any of them are.

I'm like, I know there's hot chicks. I know they shouldn't count. But I can't remember any of their names. I'll tell you what. I would steam Gwyneth Paltrow's clam. I'll tell you that. There's a freebie right there. I'll steam the fuck out of that clam.

I had to Google that shit. I'm like, oh, it's that chick from that show. There's a freebie right there. I'll steam the fuck out of that claim. I had to Google that shit. I'm like, oh, it's that chick from that show. It has to be. It's the one with the show. She's got the show and the boobies? Yeah, I love that one. I was like, you know, she's got the eyes, like the puppy dog eyes, and they're like, I love you.

Also, pretty much any girl from Firefly. Like, any girl from Firefly? Yeah. Yep. Any girl. Even the aliens? You're fine. Doesn't matter.

I don't know where they're aliens. If there were aliens, they looked like women and they were fucking hot to a T. It's like, you know, it's like Star Trek. It's like, oh, it's aliens. Fucking green ass bitch. You're like, great. As much as you're like, what's up? What's up?

Green ass bitch with huge space. I want to be in space. Turns out every planet is inhabited with fucking hot green chicks. Work for Captain Kirk. I'll tell you what, Captain Kirk, he fucking rolled in that shit, didn't he? All of them. God damn. He's like, I don't care what you have down there.

You got titties. Whatever else is down there, I'm down. If you land on a planet, it's like, oh man, this planet is inhabited with hot fucking green chicks. You'd be like, space for the win, motherfucker! I'm never going back to Earth! Fuck you, Earth! I'll tell you what, man. I wonder if he was giving them the Spocker.

You know what I mean? That is a committed play. It's two in each. You know what I mean? It's just logical, Captain. We are never going to do a show. We're just going to talk about hot green chicks.

That's all it's going to be. You are our first in-studio guest here. We want to welcome you to Glory Hole Studios. Oh, that's so touching. Did we get him something? Did we get him a gift or something? Like, what do we give somebody from the Glory Hole? Oh, we've got a gift.

We've got a gift for you later. I got something. We've got a moist towelette for you. This dividing wall isn't here for aesthetics, motherfucker. Listen, I appreciate that you finally stuck a microphone through the hole. Just keep it there. The problem is it's about a two and a half inch thick wall. Yeah, that won't work for you, Tom.

All right. I'll come around to your side. He's got to phone it in, actually. So you do have a show. Tell everybody what your boring-ass fucking show is called. Believe it or not, it's worse than this. So you can go ahead and not look it up. Hold on a minute.

Please hold. So we met David and Michael. Jesus Christ. I think we should give some context because we know David and Michael personally, unfortunately. We met David and Michael at our first and only annual picnic. Well, you met me at a Gloria. know David Michael personally, unfortunately. We met David Michael at our first and only annual picnic. It's not annual, dude. It ain't annual anymore. You can't call

it annual, Tom. It's like four years ago we had a picnic, dude. Motherfucker, I can call anything, anything I want. We actually did meet once at a Gloria Hall, Tom. You just didn't know. Well, I did know. I was pretending. Once you've seen that nub, you never forget it you know that was the best 28 seconds of my life it looks like a half-eaten drumstick what is that it's like a morel it's not morel season this is bullshit

it's wrinkly like a morale too it's. It's about the same texture. Somebody get me a demi-glace. We met David Michael. I was about to insult his podcast when we were at the picnic. He was so close to it too. He was like, that's my show. You were so full of shit. You were just like, man,

if I ever meet that man, I'm going to fuck his voice. I was like, well, I'm right here. Your pants started coming out and I saw the nub again. It was cold anyway that day. I I was like, well, I'm right here. And then your pants started coming out and I saw the nub again. And it was cold anyway that day. I'm telling you, my, my fucking two and a half inch fucking Hobbit dick fucking loves that voice. I'm telling you,

it's fucking amazing. That voice, that fucking, you know what, you know what I love about that voice is, is the pre-cancerous. No, I was just going to say that.

I was like, yeah, I love the cancer about it. It's just, it doesn't come automatically. You know what? That'll work on this voice. If Marlboro Reds had a sound, it would be your voice.

So we met you at the picnic. And for reasons I can't understand, we sort of hit it off-ish. We traveled with you down to Springfield, Missouri. We've been kind of friend-y-ish. We also went to Ashland or whatever it was. Where was that? Ashford or something? Dude, I don't remember most of that trip.

Hickory? Hickory. I remember Hickory, North Carolina. I remember coming back. I think we stopped at a Waffle House. No, that's the... On the way there? No, no, no.

It was on the way back where they had no smoking signs. The waitress was smoking. That was Springfield. That was Springfield. Was it? Yeah. Why do we go to these conventions? Well, my memories in North Carolina are dim.

We went to that scary fucking like Hillbilly Smokehouse. Huckleberries or whatever. Yeah. Fucking Hillbilly. With a Confederate soldier in the end. Yeah. It was like holding the black guy's head and shit. Like, it's crazy.

Were you the one that met someone in the bathroom putting their teeth in to eat? He's put his teeth in. No, he was taking his teeth out to eat. Because that's the part that dumbfounded me. It was like, because he didn't want to get them dirty. He took his teeth out to eat. That's fair. And he put them in his pocket.

He put his teeth in his pocket. Lovely. That's not where your teeth go. They just go in your mouth because of your goddamn teeth. It was amazing. And he was super friendly, though. I'm just going to get this out of the way. Yeah, I'm a host of a show called My Book of Mormon Podcast.

Oh, we care about that. Hang on a minute. And now you can look it up if you want. Where do they look it up? I don't know. Anywhere. My Book of Mormon. At the internet. So you're talking about the Book of Mormon, though. You're through the what is it? The Pearl of Great Price or the

Little Man in the Boat or whatever it's called. The Little Man. No, you're skipping books. The Submarines from fucking 5000 BC were in the Book of Mormon. Submarines? Oh, Submarines came out. I'm telling you, that book is fantastic. How did the Book of Mormon have submarines?

You're giving away the fact that you don't listen to his show right now. You ready? So right after the Tower of Babel, right, where everyone got their land. Oh, my God, I'm so bored. Oh, my God, I'm so bored. This one family, God said, hey, I'm going to hook you up, and I'm going to send you to America because that's where good people belong. And he taught them how to build submarines out of wood.

Wood marines? Yeah. He taught them how to build wood marines. It's even better. So they build them, and they're like, well, God, here's the deal. They're not watertight at all? No, they're totally watertight.

And they're like, we can't breathe in them. God's like, well, you bunch of whiners. He's like, fine. Drill a hole in the top. Put a little cork in there. You'll be fine. What the fucking what? True story.

And then they're like, well, there's also no light in here. Something you can do about that? And he's like, god damn it. Just hold up some rocks. And then he touched them and then they glowed. And he's like, there, you happy now? It's like, god, you suck at this. So yeah, apparently while they were traveling with all their animals, by the way, this was like a Noah's Ark situation.

They brought their shit. And it took them a year. It took them a year to come up. Well, that's because they were in a cork-topped fucking wood marine full of fucking goats and shit. God essentially put a message in a bottle and threw it in the ocean. That's amazing. That is amazing. And I met some Mormons, and I asked them about these submarines.

They were like, well, they were more like barges. They kind of could go up and down. I'm like, uh-huh, sure. Sure, that's what it was. It actually said that the boats could swim with the whales up and down. I'm like, uh-huh, sure. Sure, that's what it was. It actually said that the boats could swim with the whales or some shit. I was like, this is unbelievable. Well, maybe the fucking whales could nudge that bitch along a little sooner than a year. You make fun of the show all you want, but those are the kind of gems you can find.

I'm not even going to tell you. It would be hard for me to make fun of the show. I'd have to listen to it. Oh, shit! Let me tell you something, Alan. Oh, shit! Let me tell you something, Alan. If America continues to reject the mercy of the Christian cross,

America will live under the tyranny of the Islamic sword. So this story comes from Right Wing Watch. Rick Wiles, Muslims have taken over America. Bastards. Well, this is a talkie. He's actually on Jim Baker's show. Without Jim's wife, though, it kind of makes it more impressive. I think she's in the background, maybe. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right, here we go. We've been taken over, Zach. We have been taken over, Zach. Aren't you afraid to say that?

No. They're going to kill us, Kim. Yay! Yay, fear! But seriously, how have they taken over? In're going to kill us, Kim. Yay! Yay, fear! But seriously, how have they taken over? In what way? Hold on, no. Hold on.

They never even talk about what they're talking about either. They're just like, we've been taken over. We've been taken over. They're going to kill us. Who's going to kill you? The Muslims. Did you hear the very beginning of that clip? If you listen really closely, start at the beginning.

You hear the one guy on the, I don't know, the guy on the right. The fat guy. Yeah, the fat guy. Thank you. I didn't know we were allowed to say that. It's Tom's ear. Wow. Wow. Yeah, you can say fat guy. I thought we just don't just say F word. You can also just say Tom. It's fine.

It starts out and you can hear him saying the Nazis. All right, here we go. We've been taken over. It is the Nazis. You're right. It's always the Nazis. Even Christian talk radio is so sick of nazis they're like no i'm gonna cut you off there but yeah at this point i'm done i am done but anyway yeah but now it's not the nazis taking over anymore now it's the muslims chubby fucker i love that all right here we go so let's let's finish up because he's gonna scream zach we have been taken over zach

aren't you afraid to say that no No. They're going to kill us, Jim. My God, Jim. They're going to kill us someday. God damn it, Jim. They're going to kill us. They kill us now or later. When do you want to die? When do you want to die? Well, I want to die later.

When do you want to die? I don't know when I want to die. Wait a minute. Is that a legitimate question? When do you want to die? Later or now? Fucking the answer is always later. It's always... I could be sitting there with my fucking intestines spilling out from a gaping fucking wound. I'd be like, later's good.

Later. I don't want to die ever. Do you have any super glue I could borrow? I've been alive my whole life. I really like it. That's the thing I'm doing. Honestly, even the proposition is like, when do you want Muslims to kill you? Right.

It's going to happen. Fucking brown people are coming at you, bro. When do you want them to come at you? And Jim Baker, you are the whitest motherfucker. You're the first one to go. He's got his fucking buckets of cornmeal or whatever. He'll throw them at the Muslims. He'll just shoot them out of a cornmeal

cannon. He's turning Muslims into pancakes. When do you want to die? Later or now? The church is denying what you're saying. It doesn't matter. I know it's true. You know it's true. God, he looks like powder with a fucking goatee, doesn't he?

Can I just ask, what do they mean when they say the church? I was going to ask the same thing the fuck is the church the church but you're like you're like a non-denominational yeah and they're like a sect of like yeah it's also kind of like aren't you kind of a church so you're saying it but the church is denying it yeah like you know the church says which church the one the church let's call 1-800 the church tag your church right like that works if you're Catholic, right? But if you're not Catholic, it literally doesn't work for any other denomination.

Nope. Even if it's church, it's like, oh, so your church is saying Muslims are going to kill us all. That's great. I kind of wish, though, you just mentioned Catholic and you said the church. I really do wish that every single denomination had a pope.

And at the end of the year, there was pope fights. Oh, I would be amazing. I would fucking DVR that. I would go as far as to pay-per-view that. Pay-per-view? Are you kidding me? I'd fucking take time off work to watch the pope fights. Are you kidding me?

It'd be better than the final four. It's like you got brackets about the popes that are fighting on. Oh, I know. Like the universalist guy versus like the fucking like the the heated evangelical that would be amazing 205 pounds 205 and you know when the snake handlers come in nobody's fucking with them all right they can handle it it's like it should be like old wwf where like they just like come in with snakes and like two by fours and shit it's like like rowdy, rowdy pipers coming in. I like it.

Everyone's got props and shit. Yeah, they're really like small, cheap pastors. I have the folding metal chairs. Yeah, it's good to go. And that one pastor who talks in front of that big mural on the wall. He's got guns, right? No, he's just got a woman he's beating people with. Oh!

I don't know whether to beat the woman or beat you with the woman, but as long as she gets hurt, I don't give a fuck. I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone and spin this woman around and knock you in the face with her. And like the fucking Catholic Pope comes in with that big fucking scepter thing and spin that shit like a bow. Fucking A. If that guy spun something fast, his arm would fly off.

He's a million years old. The church don't want to hear that. spun something fast, his arm would fly off. He's a million years old. But listen, I've got a granddaughter now. The church don't want to hear that. Jim, I've got a granddaughter two years old. I am not surrendering this nation to Muslims. I'm so mad about the Muslims. It's not a non sequitur. It's like fucking, I've got a drippy ice cream cone.

I'm not going to listen to hate beak. Okay, fucking, I have a fucking two-year cream cone. I'm not going to listen to hate beak. Okay, fucking, I have a fucking two-year-old. I'm not going to surrender to Muslims. Like, fucking, those things don't have anything to do with each other. No. Well, it's because he already said that Muslims are going to kill us all. And therefore, by consequence, my two-year-old granddaughter, she's a daughter. They're going to kill his granddaughter.

She's dead. But it's just you've in no way explained how the Muslims are taking over. In what way? What I love is if they do take over, this is a big land for a lot of Muslims. You know what I mean? Yeah, right? It's going to be a lot of, they're just going to have a lot of empty space. There's going to be a lot of corpse fires.

I feel like it would be lonely. Like it would be fucking lonely. Like all the Muslims are like, we did it, guys. We got all 50 states. We even have Wyoming somehow. We're not even sure why. That is true. There are places in America where Muslims wouldn't want. We don have Wyoming somehow. We're not even sure why. There are places in America where Muslims wouldn't want.

We built submarines and went to Hawaii out of wood. Muslims haven't even flown over Wyoming. That's ridiculous. But then there's like, yeah, we took over the country, guys. So there's like one of us per every hundred square miles.

Yeah, we have a nuclear bomb capable of destroying Wyoming. Which one of you wants to volunteer to be the suicide bomber? It's like, I don't think I get burdens for that. What was I going to notice? That's a thing. I'd like to do something that gains me some notoriety. I blew up Wyoming. It's like, who cares?

You know what we've never gotten? We've never gotten an email from Wyoming. You know why? They don't have email. Nobody has ever used an email in Wyoming. They're like on horseback or something trying to ride that shit. It's impossible to text. You're like, name a city in Wyoming.

Boise. No. I know. I did it on purpose. I know. I did it on purpose. Name a city in Wyoming. Cheyenne or something like that?

Maybe. I don't even know if you're right. That's the whole point of this exercise. That's like a porn star, I think. You't even know if you're right. That's the whole point of this exercise. That's like a porn star, I think. I think that's a porn star. Hold on a second. I heard this earlier. If you Google the name of a fucking city and you write anal after

it, maybe it's Wyoming. I want to play the rest of this because I think the rest of this is cheering. Maybe it's Wyoming. All right. So I want to play the rest of this because I think the rest of this is cheering. I don't know what that is.

A bugle? What is that? I think it's a vuvuzela. Here. Is that what it sounds like? It's a vuvuzela, I think. That's kind of fun. The thing that got me excited about that, because you can't, I mean,

for those of you who want to see it, I'm sure you can check the show notes and find the video, but I'm sure you're going to say that at some point, Cecil. But yeah, the best part about it was like everyone in that crowd that was standing up and blowing their fucking horns or whatever,

they're all like 100 years old. And so I was like, you know what? There is hope for the future. These people are going to be dead very soon, and we probably wanted to worry about these people. And they're 300 pounds overweight. Yeah, that's true. That's not like good.

That's the other thing. When I'm fucking 90 years old, someone's like, the end of the world's coming. I'll be like, I'm going to see you tomorrow. I don't give a fuck. Give a fuck about your granddaughter. Who cares? Who cares? It's all a bunch of old fat people.

That's why they care about his fucking buckets of slop. Because if they're not old fat people, then they're like, oh, whatever. Who cares? Yeah, Muslims are going to kill you. But you're going to run out of food. Fuck that. Give me the food. Give me the food.

Give me the food. Give me the food. You're going to run out of diabetes medication before you run out of food? Do you have a fucking bucket of insulin? Your little rascal scooter is going to run out of juice before you run out of food. Are you kidding me? You're going to run out of Prevacid? You're going to run out of all of it?

You're going to have to amputate your own leg. Does anyone know what those horns were, what they were for? They're trying to bring down the walls of Jericho or some shit? I think so, yeah. And by the walls of Jericho, you mean the two fat people in front of them now. This story is from Right Wing Watch. Cruz's call to patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods echoes demands of extremist advisors. So this has that fucking boykin clown this this lieutenant general retired jerry boykin guy he's a fucking boy you ass motherfucker let's listen to

this guy all right so he's on brian fisher's show of course he is fucking whatever the fuck his show is american family assholes right yeah that's it What do you think we ought to do with regard to our immigration policies and with regard to issuing permits to build mosques in order to deal with this threat? Immigration and mosque building, what do you think we should do? Seal the borders and eliminate sanctuary cities and they'll go home. What's a sanctuary city? Well, not only that, when he said, like, should we be issuing permits for mosques, I don't think that's how that works like anyone can walk into any building and say

church now well i don't know can you like do you have to get specific zoning for uh for a church well maybe i have seen churches and strip malls next to barber shops i don't think fucking out where i used to live rurally there was fucking pole barns that were churches like fucking i mean i, no shit. Like a fucking like shit you would put your fucking antique race cars in like was a church. Yeah. I'm pretty sure you can just say. Church now.

There's a lot of freedoms. There's actually a lot of freedoms when it comes to building and like fucking maintaining. And we saw from John Oliver this last year how easy it is to just create a church. He actually had a pretty successful one. He did. He was fucking very successful. Got a lot of money. Yeah, I know. There is ridiculous amounts of freedom on religion in this country,

and that's what these poor assholes just don't get. It counts for everyone else, too, bro. They only want it for themselves. They don't want it for the mosques, right? They want it for just themselves. So they don't have to go through any zoning process or other building and department process? I don't know.

I'm not a zoning attorney. God damn it! I don't think so. Tom, you are worried about this zoning. What's going on, buddy? I'm pretty sure you could... You got a zone on over there? Tom, the three of us could probably declare this room a church if we really wanted to.

Guess what we need to do i love not paying taxes so much the church of the glory paying the taxes church of the glory yes it's got glory in the title cecil's shaking his head like no i don't cheat the government no oh i don't cheat on my wife i don't cheat the government i don't cheat on anything you're so boring. Hey, I just downloaded this movie. Fuck you, man. You're going to buy it.

You wouldn't steal a purse. You wouldn't steal a movie. It's funny because I won't take movies that people have downloaded either. You won't. You're the most fucking boringly ethical person I've ever known. Well. Ugh. How are we even friends?

I don't know. He won't even turn left on red sometimes. Fucking three in the morning. Fucking there hasn't been a car spotted for 200 yards. We should just turn. No, the light's not great. Fucking nobody here. There's no more in a cornfield.

Tom, what you don't understand is that's a huge turn on. Jesus. To a lot of people. I mean, I'm not married to any of them. It's a huge turn on. No mosque in America. To a lot of people. There they are. I mean, I'm not married to any of them. It's a huge turnout. No mosque in America. Islam is a totalitarian way of life.

It's not just a religion. What the fuck? It's a totalitarian way of life, dude. So let's just get this straight. It's a hard knock life for us. It's a hard knock life for us. So yeah, from the Christian perspective, they want to tell us who to fuck, right? They want to tell us what women can and can't do with their body. Is she hot?

Well, you can't fuck a dude. How would you know though? She's wearing a fucking burlap. She's wearing a fucking... No, he's talking about the Christians. Yeah, you're... You're talking about the Muslims. Put your phone down.

That's what happened. Outrageous, sir. Yeah. Outrageous. Yeah. No, dude Muslims. Put your phone down. That's what happened. Outrageous, sir. Outrageous. I do that every week. Every week, he's fucking around on his phone the whole time I'm talking, and then he completely ignores what I said,

and then he starts right in and says the same fucking thing. I have so much to edit because he's always on his phone. You poor man. No, go ahead, Tom. Somebody would be interesting. Then I wouldn't have to look at other devices. I just don't understand what the Christian Wright thinks that they're not trying to do.

I'm already bored. Put your phone out. It's fine. Oh, my God. Listen, you can get through Candy Crush 15. I know it's a tough level, but you can do it, Tom. I believe in you. Someone has to. All right, I'm just through Candy Crush 15. I know it's a tough level, but you can do it, Tom. I believe in you. Someone has to.

I'm just going to play this. Now, how do you respond to the First Amendment? I believe the same thing that you do. We should not allow the building of any more mosques in America. Everyone has a potential recruiting or training ground for terrorist activity. They will bring the First Amendment up. Your response when people say they have a First Amendment right to build their mosque anywhere they want? If it's a religion, that's the truth.

But Islam, we need to think Sharia. It is not just a religion. It is a totalitarian way of life. A mosque is an embassy for Islam, and they recognize only a global caliphate, not the sanctity or sovereignty of the United States. So it's like Civ V, so if I build a mosque, I'll

automatically convert all of my population to fucking Muslims, right? Is that how it works? That's how it works for me. Oh, fuck, I accidentally built a mosque. I didn't want to have a warlike population. Look, here's the thing. They built a mosque in my town, and that's why I'm now fucking Muslim. You're fucking a Muslim?

Well, if she'll let me. Don't knock until you try it now. Ain't nothing like some burqa love. The good thing is you have a place to wipe off afterwards. I mean, that's my favorite part. It's my favorite part of the whole thing. Clean yourself up. Most of us can actually fit inside the burqa.

Tom, you'd struggle. But the rest of us can actually slide in under that thing, and then you've already got a full blanket. It gets fucking hot up in that thing. It does. It does. I generate a lot of heat. I'm just saying. But I love if there's a global leader of a religion.

It's not a real religion. So I guess Catholics are fucked. I can show you in the codes where he's got a strong connection to the Lord of the Flies, Beelzebub. Well, I call him Beelzebub. Because he had those flies stuck to his lip. This is from Right Wing Watch. Alex Jones proves Obama is demonic. A fly once landed on him.

It's Pastor Manning and Alex Jones all in one place. This is fucking chocolate and peanut butter. That's what this shit is. Everyone should get a box of tissues right now because it might explode. This much awesomeness. He bashes Christians. That's almost like a vampire because I forgot he'll never be seen with a cross around him. What is it?

Why is he laughing? He's laughing because Obama won't be seen with a cross around him. That's why he's a vampire where have you been hold on a second it gets way better he's a vampire he will not i mean a cross will will actually bring him to his knees so he has it covered up you remember the couple when he was talking remember we did did the Pastor Manning show, and we talked about him, the pope, visiting with... Yes, yeah. Look at that picture, and there's a fucking giant Flava Flav cross on fucking the pope's chest right in front of him.

And you're like, oh, yeah, a fucking cross will bring him to his knees. Unless, of course, the pope is wearing it. Right, yeah. He can stand across from him. The symbol of holiness in this world from that fucking made-up being is wearing it. Then he's fine. Then he's fine. Yeah.

Well, he can stand across from it. A-O. A-O. He can stand across from it. Are you just going to keep saying it? I'm going to do it again. Just keep saying it. Across from it.

Ha, ha, ha. Across from what? Guys. Don't you have a button to do an audience laughter thing to make him feel better? No. God, no. Oh, I would never want to encourage him. Don't get me wrong.

Don't get me wrong. All right, there's a little more. I was so put out when Notre Dame did that going back a year. Remember when that happened going back a year ago? God, this stuttering fucking fool. Do you know what he's talking about? Well, so it's not Notre Dame because I looked up Notre Dame. It was Georgetown.

It was Georgetown, right? So I looked this up. It's not Notre Dame because I looked up Notre Dame. It was Georgetown. So I looked this up. It's not Notre Dame. It's Georgetown. And they covered it up because the press office said, hey, we'd like a neutral backdrop. Yeah. He was just giving a talk that had nothing to do with anything about the university. It's like, hey, we're here.

He's got to give a speech. Can you just cover up your symbols, like your university symbols or whatever? Oh, so it wasn't just the cross they covered up. No, it was just like we just need a neutral background with the presidential seal, and then we're good. And it's like, well, because something there was Christian-y. Admittedly, though, hold on, though, David, because when he gave the speech with the Pope, they threw a cover over the Pope, too. They threw a cover over the Pope's head. And he just stood there like he looked like he was in a burqa.

No, that was his hat. Actually, what they did is they flipped up the thing that he wears around the thing, and he looked like one of those cobras. Well, that's how evil works. Evil can't penetrate like a millimeter of cloth. I know. No matter what it is. The holiness.

No, it's actually good can't penetrate. Because the evil's all around. Because like, come get me, bro. Fuck cloth. Oh, shit. God's like, hey, someone turned out the lights. Who did that? You nasty little fuckers, you.

I'm so glad God joined us today. We missed him. But no, seriously, it's like when he's given, and it's like any other president, when he's given speeches at churches, there's crosses there. If it's a mosque, there might be something else there. It's just like when it's relevant to the topic you're talking about, fine. But yeah, he was in a university and he said, cover up that shit because we just need a seal for the speech.

But a cross would bring him to his knees. He'd be crumbled by it. You can Google Obama cross right now. There's tons of pictures of him in churches with crosses behind him. It's so funny, too, because one of the major criticisms when he was being, like during the election cycle, was that he went to a Christian black church. Remember that?

Everybody's like, oh, fucking Reverend Wright, Reverend Wright, Reverend Wright. It was a big deal about which Christian church he went to. It was a big fucking deal. Everybody was fucking so on about it. Tom, you forget they were all black there. Come on. It's true. It's because he went to... Maybe if the cross is black,

it doesn't count. Like if it's just like, oh, wait. It might count a little extra. Is that a Negro cross? It might count a little extra because it's a little bigger. A little. It's not an Irish cross. Not a year ago, but several years ago. I've forgotten about that.

No, and Dr. Alan Keyes was out there on his knees begging people to wake up to what's going on that you got to cover up the cross of Jesus to get this low-life piece of trash called Obama to come and speak at one of the Catholics' most leading and notorious schools. That's crazy, because when he goes to India

or anywhere else, he will stand in front of any other religious symbol but the cross, and they do cover it up everywhere. Again, he stood in front of crosses all the time when he's in a church, when he's at a university. He's just, whatever. I'm not talking about it. He always stands in front of crosses all the time when he's in a church, when he's at a university. He's just, whatever.

I'm not talking about it. He always stands in front of that Shiva statue, though, so he could have all his arms doing all kinds of crazy shit. He's got some long arms, though. Wow. That is such a message that he doesn't want to be seen worldwide with that image associated with him. That is unbelievable. Because it's not true. That's why it's unbelievable.

That's why I don't believe it, because it's not truthy. Oh, God. The fact that Alex Jones thinks something's unbelievable also. When Alex Jones is like, whoa, stop the presses. It's not human intelligence. Really? All right. What are we going to do about Christians in America that allow that to take place,

who feel cowered, or cowed, rather, into allowing him to do that? Hands are tied. We're just helpless. Helpless. Helpless. This is poor Christians. I do love to tie me up with Christians, admittedly. Do they honestly think that the President of the United States is supposed to be like head Christian?

Yes, they do. Remember the Christian? Who was it called? We need a Christian in chief. Who was it that said that? That's Brian Fisher. Yeah. We need a Christian in chief.

There you go. Freedom of speech, freedom of religion. This guy is so – hold on. Let's listen to this again because he messes up cowed and then he messes up speech. What are we going to do about Christians in America that allow that to take place, who feel coward, a cowed rather, into allowing him to do that? Hands are tied. We're just helpless. Freedom of speech, freedom of religion means that separation of church and state means that as Christians, we shouldn't challenge him. Man, he was so close. He was so close.

It's like freedom of religion, separation of church and state means, it's like, yep, you're getting there. You're getting there. It means Christians can't speak their mind. Nope, nope, nope. Missed it. Missed it, bro.

He just recites things, though. At no point is he actually like subject, verb, predicate, like, nothing. Like, the man can't sentence. He simply cannot do it. Instead, it's just like, there's a list of some stuff, foam, microphones, computer, mixing board. Anyway, Christianity. You're just like, fucking what does anything do with anything else? You're just looking at stuff.

I was about to say, I've never worn jewelry other than a watch, but I just feel moved the last year or so to get a small cross and start wearing it around my neck just because the enemy hates it so much. Why does the enemy hate that symbol so much? The enemy hates it so much. What are we talking about, the space aliens now? Are we back into the space aliens, the vampires, the fucking demons that he's talking about?

There is a thing. The thing with Alex Jones, though, is isn't the world full of enemies for this guy? Because he believes all the myths. Yeah, well, here's the thing. It's like he's just now moved to wear a cross. Just this last year. Just the last year. He's like, oh, man, you know, like the enemy hates crosses.

And I fucking knew it. And I believe in something called the enemy. And I'm just like, I don't know. I'm not going to get one. It could take me like, like an hour. Like it's like,

I could go on Amazon, have that fucking thing delivered. I don't have to do anything. If I believed in the devil, I would be covered in crosses all the time. Like I'm fucking covered in crosses. No shit. I wear nothing but crosses.

No shit, man. Right? But he's just like, ugh. Right? My tattoos would have fucking tattoos. You wouldn. I wear nothing but crosses. No shit, man. Right? But he's just like, tattoos of crosses across your chest. My tattoos are that fucking tattoo. You wouldn't want

to take the risk. Right. I wouldn't want to take the risk that God would be finicky for a moment with me. I would be like, no, bro, I'm here for you

the whole time. Fucking, I am wearing your fucking crucifixion symbol all day, all night. Fucking, I am your man.

I'll tattoo it on my face. Yes. Look, the thing is, if you believe in God and the devil and all night. Fucking, I am your man. I'll tattoo it on my face. Yes. Look, the thing is, if you believe in God and the devil and all of that shit, that stuff is so fucking garbage. But if you believed in all of that, you would have no choice but to fall into that path. Because if you didn't, you'd be insane, right? You'd be like,

what happens to you when you die? Well, it turns out if I fuck this up, I get tortured forever. That sounds super bad. That sounds like the worst thing. And all I have to do is wear a cross. Fun fact. Mormons don't like crosses. Go figure.

Really? Why don't you cover this in your boring fucking show? Tell me about it. Because it's the most powerful symbol in all of the known universe. You can go from planet to planet, from star to star, from galaxy to galaxy. Wow. How would you know? We've never gone to another star ever.

We have the lamest universe ever. The cross is the most powerful. What I love is, no, no, no. You can go to universe to universe, right? Is that what he did? No, galaxy. He drew the line at galaxy. Yeah, because that's so much better. That would be amazing. In all the multiverse, you could go anywhere and have a cross.

Baby, do you do? Well, we never did answer Alex's question, why does the enemy hate that symbol so much? It's like, well, it is a torture device. Right? It's like, I give, I give, I give. I'm tapping out. Whenever he says the alphabet, it's a Q-R-S-U-V-W-X.

W-X? You don't even know how to do this. W-X, goddammit. I'll fucking kill you. And the cross is it, Alex. It's it. I got one right here. And y'all see it?

Hey, look at here. No shit. You're a fucking pastor. Like, fucking of course you're wearing a cross and i love you also have a fucking collection plate next to you right like things a pastor may have what is this fucking family feud and i love that he's the guest on the show and the guy's like well i don't i don't have a cross he's like fuck you bro i do where's your cross bitch i put it on my pink tie i got it right right here. I'm wearing a cross right here.

It's on a little chain on my vest. You lazy fucker. What the hell? Obama's been in office seven years. Why the fuck don't you have a cross yet, bro? You got to get one now, man. You should have got one earlier. Fuck.

Now there's going to be a run on him. Could have saved us some fucking trouble. You're not going to be able to get them set the next day via Amazon. It's not going to happen. The problem is they're like guns, right? They're like guns. They're going to become illegal. You're going to have to go to the fucking cross store and have a seven-day waiting period.

You're going to have to reload the cross only like six times. You're going to have to register them with the government. The cross registry. You can't buy one if you're angry. First, they came for my Jewish Hanukkah symbol and I said nothing because I wasn't Jewish. Then they came for my cross and I was like, fuck, I can't make the letter T.

How do I cross two lines that, fuck, oh, shit. But I'm wearing it. Alex, go get one. It's power. I like to see Obama. If that's the first thing I do, I'd flash him. Yeah. Show us your boobies.

I'd throw beads I'd flash him. Yeah! Show us your boobies! I'd throw beads on that motherfucker. If I saw his fucking giant fucking floppy ass boobs. I'd push him together. I'd get like a cucumber and push him together around it. Tom knocked his headphones off with his fucking motorboat there.

Your motorboat at fucking Pastor Mary is amazing. I would just love to see. You'd get a curly hair in your teeth

though from that. Worth it. I'll floss from that fucking thing. Floss it out. Floss it out. I would just love to see him try.

I would love to see him walk up to the president yanks Jack and watch how fast our secret service is. There's never been a man shot faster by Secret Service in the history of mankind. I just want to tell you, if you're going to do it, please have someone video it. If you're going to do it, be real close to him. That helps.

I'd have my jacket closed, you know. If I came into his presence, I'd have my jacket closed, you know. If I came into his presence, I'd have my jacket closed. Then when I came up to him, I'd flash over my cross. Thank you for telling us what flashing meant. Dick. What I would do is, first, I would not show him the thing I was later going to show him. And then, in a quick fashion, I would show him the thing that I was later going to expose to him. That is flashing.

And then I will be shot. I would first close my coat. Then I would unzip my pants and hang my wiener out. Because you know what the secret service loves. Now I keep the pants buttoned, but the dick is hanging out the zipper hole. You understand? There's a logistics to this.

You just have to now look at a pretty girl or Obama, and I get an erection, and then I flash him. So I hang the balls out too at the same time. I say, I meant to show you my cross. I'm such a good Christian, my penis looks like a cross. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's got the cream of the blood in it. Well, I've talked to people about how the flies are always landing on him.

People leave it inside the White House, and I talked to another prominent person, and they said, no, there's something really evil about Obama when you're in his presence. Have you ever been in his presence? Hold on. Hold on. Someone prominent. It's a prominent person. Yeah.

Can you talk to a prominent person? Yeah. The prominent person. And what they said was, there's something evil about his presence. His presence. Thank you for a lot of words. Because he's a vampire. He is a vampire.

We covered this earlier. That's true. People are creeped out in vampire presence. It's just, that's just. People need to get over that. I used to LARP. I know what that's like. I've seen interviews. Fucking vampires be hot, man.

Most of the time, yeah. Sometimes after a couple years underground. We learn nothing from true blood. They're all fucking hot. Jesus Christ. Except for that one with the gap in her teeth. I don't know what's wrong with that girl. That gap-toothed girl? She does stuff but she wasn't a vampire tooth girl she was never a vampire so that's oh she never got to be a vampire i only saw like the first season

yeah that's what i thought she wasn't orange hey it's the same shit that girl does stuff right like no never no i i boycotted him when he came to Harlem. Yeah, he wasn't going to see you anyway, fucktard. It's not like he was fucking lining up outside of Atlam Ministry Church where the sign says fucking two gays, one stone on it. No, he's saying he boycotted the president. How do you boycott your president? If you boycott something, it means you're not going to shop there. So you're going to leave it?

It's a fucking move. I'm not going to use this president. No matter what, I'm? It's a fucking move. I'm not going to use this president. No matter what. I'm just not going to do it. That's it. I'm not using you at all. I'm not doing it. I'm using it for president.

I don't care. I was just a door or two away from him across the street when he came to Harlem at the Red Rooster. I let a boycott. Our church was out there in mass numbers. Both of us were super mad. Yeah. The thing is, is when you're out there, it's a mass of numbers because you're a fucking giant blob. You know, when I study some of the definitions of Bible words, I can define exactly what Planned Parenthood is.

It's evil. It's wicked. It's ungodly. It's hellish. It's shameful. So also from Right Wing Watch, Sharon Slater, sex ed is Planned Parenthood plot to make money off HIV treatment and condoms.

The condoms they give away for free! Hey, big condom lobbyists. I know, right? Fucking big rubber. Watch out! Watch out for big rubber! They're not making any money! They're giving them away!

It's like making money off big podcasts! It's fucking free! All right, well, this is... Please donate some money through Patreon You can find us at patreon.com forward slash distance pod Will you give him a free rubber?

I'll give him fucking $10 a show I'll give you a fucking handjob I'll fill that rubber with something you're looking for Oh for god sakes This is the sleep Shut up already Fill the rubber Who am I kidding? Oh, for God's sakes. This is the sleep. Shut up already. Give him the creamier blood. Fill the rubber.

Who am I kidding? Fill. What is there? Is there a faucet nearby? No, Tom, that's just a reservoir tip. That's not the whole thing. I'll have to fucking put a rubber band on the fucking base of that thing to keep it on. You put it in boiling water to shrink it down a little bit.

Hey, you got a string I can tie around the bottom of this thing? It's got a hair dryer. You got like a rubber with a garter on it just to keep it on. Actually, you wear it. You know, most people are aware that Planned Parenthood is promoting abortion. It's the biggest abortion provider. There's been hearings on Taco Hill about... Hearings on Taco Hill?

What? Wait, there's hearings on Taco Hill? Did she say Taco Hill? I've got to hear that again. Abortion provider. There's been hearings on Taco Hill about... Taco Hill? Taco Hill?

She didn't say Taco Hill. Big Taco Hill? I'm not hearing a lot. It's because these thighs are pressed against my ears. I put my ear up to it, I hear the ocean. I'm selling body parts of aborted babies. Body parts of aborted babies. Yeah, and then they sew them together into little dolls and they sell them to children.

They make tiny frankensteins. It sucks so bad you just have to take care of it. Oh, man. I gotta change Frankie's diaper. Frankie should have just had one baby instead of gluing together seven. This is pointless in its entirety.

Geez, what does he have, a cloaco? What's going on here? What did they sew up down there? Well, they probably sell the skin to that Silence of the Lambs guy. Yeah, Buffalo Bill, right? It's like, I've collected 2,000 fetuses to make this suit. Hey, everybody. Now I'd fuck me.

What most people don't know is that Planned Parenthood is also the largest provider of comprehensive sexuality education in the United States. No. Comprehensive sexuality education. I love how it's sexuality. Not sex education. Sexuality education. Man, what could go wrong about that?

Let's hear it now. could go wrong about that let's hear it now and what this means is that a business that makes money off of sexualizing children because if they can sexualize children through the school system with their programs they can provide them with sexual counseling condoms abortions contraceptions std treatment at hiv treatment etc. They provide most of that for free. Now, hold on, though. Like, fucking, if the kids don't learn about it in school, they're not going to know how to fuck? Are we serious about that? Like, oh, they didn't learn about it.

Yeah, fucking trust me, man. If you didn't tell kids about sex at all, they would fucking learn it real, real fast. You don't need an instructor. You just look down there and see your tiny little throbbing member, at least in my case, a very, very small, very, very unintimidating member. Throbbing, please. Well. Bouncing gently.

Yeah, I guess. And then you just go at stuff. It's like all the fucking twig-wearing dudes at Pawpaw New Guinea are like, we don't know how to reproduce. Planned Parenthood hasn't been here yet. We're not sure what to do with this. We don't know what to do! They're making lots of money off of sexualizing children. Sexualized children. Children sexualize themselves because

they move from fucking children into puberty. That's how hormones work and bodies work. I remember my boy when my boy was three years old we could get him to go to family events he had a crush on my aunt so or not my aunt but his aunt my sister-in-law he had a crush on her and we'd be like oh aunt cassie's gonna be there and he'd be like i don't think i'm gonna be there let's go i need to fucking get up and we was a fucking family joke he'd be like because he had a little crush on this woman. He had this little crush on him. He wasn't going to fuck her.

He didn't have a fucking prayer at that. My brother-in-law was cock blocking that shit the whole time. I tried to get him drunk once and set it up. It totally didn't work. They both walked in. There was candles, some moon music, maybe a glass of wine or two. The dude's middle name

is Danger. His know, right? His husband should worry. Right? But like, I mean, this is how it is. Like he was fucking like, and he would snuggle up to her and be like, I like Aunt Cassie. And he'd be fucking all up ons and that shit. I mean, for like two years, that's just how it works.

Like human beings are sexual animals, like every other animal on the planet. It's just one of the base drives that keeps us reproducing, or we wouldn't have 7 billion of us. If we didn't know how to fuck, we wouldn't have created 7 billion of us through fucking. Yeah, my son is 8, and actually, it was just like last week, it was just like in conversation, I actually looked at him, because he has like internet and stuff,

so I assume he knows everything now. Right. And I was like, have you figured out what sex actually is? And he looked at me and said, I just don't really care yet. I was like, appreciate it, bro. That's his way of saying, dad. Dad. Stop, man.

Just stop. I'm looking at tentacle porn when you're not looking at dad. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828.

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We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons andos Blogs, a friendly atheist blog. Colorado Republican Senate candidate. Let me say that again. What the fuck is wrong with you, Colorado? This is the same place that had Klingenschmitt. Everybody there is super high, bro. Right? You would think they would have way more fun candidates.

It's like their candidates would be Cheech and or Chong. Those are your choices. You don't understand. This is fun. This is a lot of fun. And not only that, they're just going for the funniest names. Klingenschmitt, Blankenagle. Come on.

They're all bullshit names. They're all bullshit names. Fracking doesn't cause earthquakes. God does. What? So the U.S. Geological Survey said that there was a link recently between fracking and earthquakes.

And that's been pretty well established at this point. And the Colorado Republicans came out and said, well, at least one. I don't know if you remember. I want to interrupt you real quick. Yeah.

Do you remember this was the show had come out years and years ago at this point. This show? We're climbing up on our fifth year. And I remember we had an early story about fracking linked to earthquakes. And we made fun of that story because there was not enough proof at that point. God, I remember this. It was a long time ago. And we made fun of it.

And then maybe two or three months later, we got an email that's like, no, hey, man, they're starting to do studies and it's starting to look like fracking is causing earthquakes. I bet at the time you got that email and you're like, oh, thanks, man. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, we probably were. Whatever, dude!

He sat through our email section earlier. That's basically what we say to every email. Okay, bro. Whatever. And then we hit delete. That's pretty much how we handle our email. earlier, that's basically what we say to every email. Okay, bro, whatever. And then we hit delete. That's pretty much how we handle our email. I think the argument was, well, before fracking, there was earthquakes, so must be gone. Wait, hold on a second. No, that's not how they talk in Colorado.

Let's read exactly what she says. It's Peg Littleton, and she says, there have been earthquakes long before we ever did fracking, she said. Let's be honest. You know God is kind of in control of those. Kind of. And not by us drilling down to the ground and doing the fracking. Anytime you say doing the verb, you don't know how to do the verb. You don't know how to do the verb.

You're also a million years old. Yeah, you're a million years old if you say do the fracking. That's like fucking getting the consumption. You're also a million years old. You're a million years old if you say do the fracking. That's like fucking getting the consumption. I know, right? Hey guys, we're doing the dancing times. Whoa, okay great. You're probably super good at it. Awesome. Awesome.

Yeah man, see on Star Search. What the fuck? Those are some glittery shoes. That's all I want to say. Doing the fracking. That's why I picked this whole story. Doing the fracking? Nobody says that. The fucking idea that, oh, well, fucking, you know, God makes earthquakes and there was no earthquakes.

You know, man can't make them because they were before man could make them. It's like fucking there was fire before man. Yeah, but no, here's the thing. We can make fire. Everything only has one cause. Everything only gets one cause. Earthquakes get one cause. That's it. God, that's the cause.

You can't have other causes. Fire, one cause. People are like, I threw matches in a pile of fucking dirty leaves. We're in the new shit unless it's fucking caused by lightning. No one gives a shit. But let's give them the argument. Okay, fair enough. God did it. Well, he's a fucking asshole. Yeah.

At least we can explain when man does it. He's just doing it for fun. Hey, y'all. Here's an earthquake. We didn't want that at all. I didn't like your house, so... Take that, Expressway. I wanted to wake up that

sleepy one down there. I shook him a bunch. But no, seriously, it is the equivalent of saying something like guns don't kill people because only God can kill people. Guns don't kill people. I do. But sometimes what I do is I use a gun and then somebody holds it in their hand and then a little piece of lead comes out real fast. Boom, boom, right in the heart. It's a spinny lead.

And the bullet goes through their heart, but they're fine until I tell that heart to stop beating. They're just fine. I got to call up and be like, hey, heart, guess what? You got a hole in you. Here's the thing, heart. I'm pulling you out of the game, okay? Why don't you come meet me up here,

and then I'll tell you whether or not you can stay here. Now, here's what I want you to understand here. He says, look, when you sacrifice a child to an idol, you are sacrificing that child to demons. That's the word that's used right here in the scripture. I looked it up in the Hebrew lexicon. You know what that word demon means? It means demon.

So the story is an oldie but a goodie. And this is from The Guardian. Pastor fails to resurrect after telling people to bury him alive. This reminds me of the story we covered the other day where the guy's like, I don't want to spend any time in a coffin. Put me in a coffin for three days. It's like, you'll die. I'll just camp.

Put me in a tent for three days. In Arcadiana. Right? That's not a place. This guy didn't even want the coffin. He wanted dirt thrown on his body. Arcadiana is a place. It's in Arcadiana. Right? Yeah. It's not a place. This guy didn't even want the coffin. He wanted dirt thrown on his body. Arcadiana is a place. It's in the wardrobe.

So this fucking guy, you know, died because that's what happens and then did not resurrect because that's also what happens. Yeah. He got, they dug a hole. He got in the hole and he said, throw dirt on me. Yeah. Like, not in a box. Just throw dirt on me.

He's like, it'll be fine. Yeah. Don't worry. And then there's one guy who's like, I don't think we should do this. And they're like, shut up. And then the guy in the hole's like, hey, you, shut your mouth up there!

Keep throwing it in here! Yeah. I'm going to be super powerful. And it says here, it says, Pastor Kenyan Ma had reportedly asked his followers to bury him alive so he could summon more cleansing powers. They healed a family that had been plagued by mysterious deaths. That is not

how you summon power. That is how you summon maggots. It's a fucking... It's not a fucking... It's not a secret. Well, I love it because it says, responding to the request, he ordered his followers to dig a grave and bury him alive. The plan backfired when instead of being resurrected, they

dug up the grave to find him dead. I love how they say backfired. It was going to go another way. It's so clever. That's the funny part. It's like, oh, guys, you silly guys. I know it usually works, but this one time it didn't. You sillies. That guy's dead as a doornail.

So what is the score right now? I think it's faith zero, laws of physics, all of the other numbers. What they should have done, though. What they should have done. They should have strung him up like Weekend at Bernie's in style and had him walk around the house. Like a marionette. He's waving all the evil spirits out of your house.

Look at him. Look at that guy. Throw a party, put a drink in his of your house. Look at him. Look at that guy. That's amazing. Throw a party, put a drink in his hand, throw some sunglasses on him. He's a little dirty, but what do you want, you know? You do have to give him credit, though. He definitely believed his own bullshit. Fucking was in it to win it, I'll tell you, man.

Jesus, could you imagine suffocating me like, I can't wait to be powerful. Like, woo-ka-ka. And your buddy's like, this is a bad idea. He's like, fuck you, throw more dirt on my face. He's like, oh, okay, bro. There has to be that moment where you're like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, get the dirt out of my face!

It's that one moment where it's too late. Right. But it's funny because it says that they did this. He requested that they do this so he could drive away evil spirits. We didn't drive away the evil spirit called dirt! Like, it didn't drive away dirt. He's not more powerful than actual dirt.

Like, dirt killed him. He's less powerful than a Dyson. Right? Right? You want answers? I think I'm entitled to them. You want answers! I want the truth!

You can't handle the truth! So this story comes from Right Wing Watch. It's Brian Fisher. So recently, this comes from Donald Trump. So Donald Trump recently said something along the lines of, you know, there should be some kind of punishment for women that have abortions. And this fucking blew up. It blew up the fucking anti-choice people, right?

The anti-choice people were like, wait a minute. That's the fucking third rail of being against abortion. Like, they never talk about that. They never talk about what would happen if you criminalize. They like, they never talk about that. They never talk about what would happen if you criminalize abortion. They don't ever talk about that. They don't. And I don't,

I'm serious. Yeah. I remember, I remember there was a, there was a group of reporters that went out from one of the, I think pro-choice types of organizations and went to one of these rallies and they specifically asked, they said, okay,

so you want to make it illegal? What would happen to the woman? No, they actually started verse and said, is abortion murder? Or to make it illegal. What would happen to the woman? No, they actually started first and said, is abortion murder? Or, you know, what do you think of abortion? It's murder. Okay, so murder. And that's illegal? Yes. So what happens to people that murder? And then they

backed up. I know, right? Oh, well, if a woman got an abortion, I don't know that I would say that they should go to get killed by the government. They just had to back up right away. They're just like, what I do is I use words to inflame people, but I don't really believe their terminology. I know I were confused.

We haven't had Brian Fisher explain it to us yet. You're right. Let's play. You know, the way I put it is there is moral culpability. A woman is not off the hook morally for what she does. And I think we may be able to get to the point if everybody comes to understand. Here's the issue. We need to get the culture to the place where everybody understands that it's a baby.

And if we can do that, if we get a cultural consensus that that is a baby in the womb, then I think at that point you can begin to talk about legal consequences for the mothers. But right now, not everybody believes that. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Let's go there. Wait, wait, wait. Let's follow him down that rabbit hole, though.

Fucking, I just want to say, like, if you start considering that a baby, right, like fucking as early as possible, can we then start saying, oh, hey, you know what? You didn't give up exercise at the right time and you had a miscarriage. Sure, you kept smoking. You kept smoking. You kept drinking. You wound up going dancing one night. You went on a plane. You fucking went on a roller coaster. Whatever. You know, all the things that could feasibly fuck up your birth. You walked down a set of

stairs you didn't have to. And there are a lot of states where the punishment for that is death row. That's it. You murdered someone. So you get to go die now yeah exactly insanity but but i love too the the first part is the uh she's not legally responsible but she's morally what what the fuck does that even mean what's the point of that right i think he just wants to shame her yeah yeah it's a shame i want to be i want to be able to say you're a whore yeah because you got yourself knocked up yeah and uh yeah and you and you

didn't uh you didn't do what i wanted you so first knocked up. And you didn't do what I wanted you to do. So first you had sex when I didn't approve of it, and then you didn't do what I wanted you to with the clump of cells that was in your fucking placenta. That's why I only call Brian Fisher whenever I'm about to have sex. I'm just like, Brian Fisher, I'm about to have sex. Is that okay?

And I gotta put that shit on speakerphone and I make him listen. You've only called him once. So I made him say your name. I got to put that shit on speakerphone and I make them listen. You've only called them once. I made him say her name. We want the culture to understand that in the meantime, we want to save as many babies as we can, which means we've got to stop the abortionists. You know, we still hold a mother capable if she gives birth to a baby.

Capable? Not culpable? Can we stop saying abortionist and say doctors? No. Seriously, though. They're like conductors with their little flowbee that they wave around. I like abortionist. It gives it a sense of class

that it needs, I think. Abortionist. When you say it like that, it is a compelling argument. And then she flushes it down the toilet or she throws it into a dumpster, which happens. I mean, say it like that, it is a compelling argument. And then she flushes it down the toilet or she throws it into a dumpster, which happens. I mean, reading stories like that, every week I'll read a story like that. Those aren't abortions. Those are births.

Super late term. It's like murdering your toddler is an abortion. That's not a fucking abortion, man. It's like if I kill David Michael. It's like a fucking abortion. No, that's a blessing. His mom writes me a thank you card. So touching.

Nothing like an evening in glory. To make you feel good about yourself. Well, you're hairless like one. Oh, Jesus Christ. I look like a newborn. We hold the mothers accountable. Why? Because everybody knows, including the mother, everybody

understands that that is a baby. That's because it came out of her vagina. Not only that, I love that the dad's like, where's he? He fucking cares. He's in the prom while she's throwing it in the dumpster. That's where he is.

Come on, I don't want to miss the next song. This is my jam. I'm not dancing to your friend. I don't care. I know this argument's been made so many times, but these are the same people saying, like, don't give them contraceptives. Yeah, I know. It blows your mind. And it's also the people who get super pissed when people have a lot of kids and they don't have the means in which to take

care of a lot of kids. They get super pissed all the time. And you're like, yeah, but you didn't provide them with any fucking contraception at all. You demonized wind up demonizing abortion. You demonize contraception. You demonize sex ed. And yet you bitch and moan when people have fucking kids.

Exactly. Exactly. And they can't even throw them in dumpsters. Rude. Rude. Yeah, but you can shoot them into the dumpster. Why even have a trash chute in your building? You know? Right? If you're not going to fill it full of unwanted babies. That's why they're slippery coming out.

It's like a water slide. It's like a fetus water slide. The problem a lot of women do is they try to flush the baby like you said that doesn't work. I stopped it up again ma. I think a Zika baby would go right down. They have those little heads.

But generally like port-a-potty is the way to go because no one's searching that thing. There's a big hole you just throw it in there you're golden. If a rat can come up, a baby can go down. And therefore, the legal consequences have to be brought to bear. Right now,

we don't have that consensus as a culture. We couldn't get there if we tried, but we can find a way to put abortion clinics out of business. We can find a way

to go after abortionists for what they do, and I think that's where we need to focus. That way women will have less safe abortions, right? Women will have unsafe coat hanger abortions in fucking back alleys because that's still a thing.

Let's be real. This is like prohibition, right? We got rid of alcohol. You know what people did? They fucking made alcohol. There are certain things that human beings want and don't want, and we need to be honest about them. Like, we want to get fucked up. Like, you get rid of alcohol, people find alcohol. You get rid of drugs, people find drugs.

People want to fuck. You make it harder for people to fuck. You make the consequences for fucking harder. People are still going to fuck. What they're going to do is they're going to get a fucking coat hanger and a fucking weird dude in a van, and they're going to bleed out, and it's going to be horrible. Human beings are human beings. We are animals, and let's never forget our animal nature. I think, though, that they are okay with people bleeding out if they do.

I think they are, too, man. I think they're totally fine with that. And that's what they won't say out loud. They're totally fine with it. They'll be like, oh, that's just the consequences. Because that's fucking horrigan, right? That's how they look at it. It's horrigan.

He did describe one of the consequences, which he claims happens every happens every week which babies get thrown in dumpsters and toilets it's like yeah yeah yeah that is what happens yeah when you take it and it'll happen a lot more and he's excited about that he was saying that's a better option because then we can clearly throw that bitch in jail yeah that's that is and the dude who impregnated her is like, whatever, dude! Fuck me! I don't give a fuck! Swing my fucking dick around like a fucking spurting lasso! I don't give a shit! It's so fucking one-sided. So there is

moral culpability for a woman who does it. In fact, the reality is a lot of times what happens to women is they do not realize how morally culpable they are for what happened until later. It's because they don't want to worry their pretty little heads about it. I know, right? I mean, come on, let's be realistic. Their uterus is getting away, they're thinking that.

Jesus, man, there's so much blood down there to take care of that baby, they just can't think. They just can't think, Tom. That's why so many women go out on maternity leave. There's studies, you know what I mean? Women are stupid. Women are dumb. And then the reality of what they have done

kind of crashes in on them and then it just devastates them when they realize what they have done. They didn't know better. Nobody told them. Nobody tried to talk them out of it. Nobody explained.

See, so now what he's doing is he's being real fucking patronizing to all the women. But then you look on the sidebar for this same story and the headline is Theodore Shoebat. Sluts who have abortion should be put to death. I know, right?

At least that guy is fucking honest, right? At least Shoebat is fucking honest, and he's going to be like, hey, you know what I think about women? Well, not much, because I want to kill them. But I love the blanket statement of every woman that's had an abortion at some point in life is just going to be wracked with guilt and devastation. It's just like it's such bullshit. Sure. Like women I know that have had abortions were like mmm fucking glad that was an option when I was 17. No shit.

Because none of them wanted to have your baby. You know what I'm saying? The whole drive there and the whole drive back they were thanking me. She won't stop singing. The humanity of the baby in the womb. And so they did not know what they were doing.

You know, remember Jesus said on the cross, he was talking to the Roman soldiers. He wasn't talking about the Jews. And then they were given an abortion right up there. Super late. They're pulling a food baby out there. Spearing the side, side whatever they had to be sure father forgive them for they know not what they are doing that was for the roman soldiers he wasn't forgiving the scribes and the pharisees don't misunderstand what he was doing there

they knew exactly what they were doing what you can tell exactly who he was forgiving there well even if he's right so okay, okay. So women in present day America were somehow parallel to Roman soldiers? Roman soldiers. Yeah. Harking nails through dudes' hands. Yeah. I like the idea that women

don't know what they're doing too. As if women are just like, I don't know what's going on. Am I having an abortion? No one done told me. I just have my little girl brain. Nobody told me it was a laugh in my belly. If only someone had told me that.

It's so patronizing. It's the fucking most patronizing thing possible. I will say you do a nice deep voiced woman. I will say that. Keep going. Keep going. A little more. Oh, it's so cute.

That's enough. I'm playing this music over you people. Stop it. The Roman soldiers were clueless. Clueless. Isn't that a movie? Yeah. About dumb women.

With a ditzy woman. Who probably got an abortion. And then they high-fived afterwards. Went out for mimosas. They had no idea that they were crucifying the Son of God. So it says, Father, forgive them. They don't know what they're doing. The same is true with a woman that has an abortion.

Wait, wait. He's hoping that God will stop forgiving them? No, he's hoping that the women won't get abortions. That's going to change. Yeah, that they'll realize the error of their ways. They'll realize the error of their ways, and they won't climb into a fucking coat hanger van. Jesus asked God to forgive them, but they didn't know what they're doing.

And he's like, super hope that changes. And we hope that that eventually will change. We hope we'll get to the point where everyone will understand exactly the nature of what she is doing. But until that day comes, we need to regard her, I believe, for legal purposes, not for moral purposes, but for legal purposes as a second victim. We're already treating them like second-class citizens. We'll treat them like a second victim. You can't charge them with a crime.

They're too dumb to understand what it means. Oh, they're just little women. Brain don't understand. They're just killing babies. Oh, it's fine. Just get back in the kitchen, make me a sandwich, and fuck me once in a while. They're a victim, too.

They have no idea what they're doing, but that you let them take care of kids. Right? Right? Also, some of them are astronauts. Yeah. So we want to thank our most current patrons, the ones who most recently gave.

Of course, we want to thank all our patrons, including David Michael, who's a patron of the show. You know it. That's crazy that you actually pay for this fucking thing. And you sit right there. That's outrageous. It's not like you guys give me access to your... I mean, your good shows are on Patreon only.

I don't know if people know that. Like, I never listen to the free shit. So we want to thank Brandon, Adam, Ernest of Borg9. That's great. I think it's awesome. That's great. Darren, Craig, Fulva and Nigel,

Ben, Squickfinger. Wait a second. That's not a real name. Paul, Timothy, Dustin, Tom's Big Dick. That's an imaginary patron Wait, Tom, did you become a patron of the show? Good for you, buddy I would have chosen a more believable name

Chad, Ben, Dean Dazabu Christopher and Robert Thank you also very much for your generous donations We really do truly appreciate it We got a message. This is from Galen. And Galen sent us an image.

It's amazing. Of Beck, Putin, and a bear. And I'll let you figure out how they're configured. You go to our website, DissonancePod.com. And Dave Michaels is chuckling at it right now. It's perfect. It's awesome. So if you're interested in seeing

that particular image, check out this episode show notes. That bear is hot. We got a message from Shane and Shane made a Pastor Manning Who's Your Daddy clip. So here's Pastor Manning. Who's the daddy? Who's the daddy?

This is fucking awesome. The timing is beautiful. That's fucking amazing, Shane. Thank you so much. I've been to a lot of bars in Chicago where that song could be played and you wouldn't miss a beat. Wow. That's a good song. You go to a lot of strange places my friend so we got a message from nick and uh nick says he's in idaho tom which is

a place it turns out i didn't know uh he says that is that america yeah i think it's in iowa maybe idaho is probably like a subsect of it might be somewhere in Wyoming. It's in Idaho, Wyoming. That's a place, right? So we got a message from Nick, and Nick says, so when I find out that the lady I've been talking to is a skeptic, it piqued my interest. Now her parents are really Christian, even for the average Idaho resident. How would you respond to any religious questioning? Would lying be appropriate? What is your experience with this sort of stuff?

So my in-laws are actually quite religious. And when I first met them, I was an out atheist. I didn't hide that from them. The thing is, is like, you know, you're dating, you might be dating this girl, you're seeing this girl, whatever. There's a chance you could down the road be involved with this person.

And if that's the case, you know, you're not gonna go like, they're gonna keep inviting you to church until you say no. They're going to keep doing it. So I would suggest just at least being truthful about it. Unless you haven't fucked her yet,

in which case, lie through your teeth. Jesus Christ. Well, thank you, terrible human being. God damn. We do appreciate your... We told you not to talk

during this segment. But once you pass that, then yeah, Cecil's probably right. Tom, do you have any experience at all or no? You know, not a whole lot. I think there's ways to hedge the question, though, or dodge the question, to be perfectly honest. It depends on where you are in the relationship. If it's relatively early on and you fucking meet the folks and they're like, what do you think about Jesus?

It's not really my thing. You just pass off the question. Move the fuck on. I think what you don't do is get into big, deep, philosophical debates and fucking argue and bitch and gripe with somebody. That's for later. It's not even for later, because I've

been married. I don't know that I would ever do it. I've been married. I've been with my wife for 19 years, and I've never had a conversation about God with their parents. They just know. But it depends on how open they are, right? Sure. Like if the folks happen to be open. Yeah, but they don't mind talking about Obama.

You know what I mean? Like they don't mind talking about certain things that they know are going to like tick me off, fucking whatever it is, you know, whatever the hot button issue that I dislike or that I'm totally on a different side of the fence. They don't mind talking about that. It just so happens that I'm never going to get in the conversation when somebody says something about God or says something about a blessing. When I get around their table, they bow their heads to pray. And I sit there with my arms crossed and I bow my head too.

But everybody does the little sign of the deal or whatever. And it's like, okay, well, I don't do that. Like fucking I'll meet you halfway and I'll be respectful. But there's no way that I'm going to pretend that I'm a Christian. I'm never going to do that. But I guess, yeah, I wouldn't pretend I was a Christian either. And I guess what I more mean is that if somebody is open and willing and they're the kind of person who can have a conversation that is not emotion-laden, right?

Like if they're just like, hey, but I am curious. So you say you're not religious. Let's talk about it. Then I would engage that conversation, right? Yeah, possibly, yeah. But I would be very cautious in how i did it and i would engage it very gently right because i know how to do that like and that's not how i normally do things but i would i would know how to do that but if if somebody was more you know adamant about it and

they come at this from a place of an emotional state then you just back the fuck off yeah my i think there's some truth in what Cecil says though. Like you do have to let them know where you are. Right. So, I mean, if you're getting into some fanatical family and it's going to be, you have to say,

this is where I stand on this stuff. If that is a problem and you just don't see me in your life, then we need to have that conversation now. Yeah. Have it early. Have it early. Have it early. What the fuck?

Why are you talking? Well, I already gave you the really good advice, and you guys didn't want to listen to that. Fucking who fucking asked you? Moving on. Tom, you know you invited me here because you wanted to look better. I feel like I've done a pretty good job.

So this is from Jenny or Janie. Janie says, I just listened to your latest podcast, and we were talking about Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. Janie's preference is Happy Holidays. One Christmas Eve when Janie was working retail, about 10 years ago, I was working as a register jockey in one of those big box stores, and I wished a lady Happy Holidays to her whore, and she asked if I was required to say that. I said it was a personal choice. She looked at me like I personally crucified baby Jesus and said that she was never setting the foot in the store again. It's so funny that people automatically presume that you've been told from on high that you have to say these particular words.

Do you think that they micromanage their register people to that extent? I know that some companies do. I'm sure some companies do. But not every company micromanages their registered people. It happened to me at a grocery store. I was with my kids, and they have the little sample things at the end of the aisles, and they're giving away cookies so the kids get one. And the woman said to him—

That guy has a van, dude. He doesn't work for the store. So the little— That's why you have less kids than you start every grocery shopping. The rep lady said to him, I wish I was allowed to say Merry Christmas, but I'm not allowed. I have to say Happy Holidays. She said this to my eight-year-old kid, and he looked at me and said, well, why did she say that?

What a weird thing to say. And I just looked at her, and I was like, eh, it's called intolerance. I'll explain later. And we walked away. Jesus. All right. So, David, thank you for joining us today in Glory Hole Studios. We appreciate it.

I thought you were about to say David wrote us. No, David didn't write us. Why would I write you? He doesn't write us. But thank you for joining us in Glory Hole Studios. Where would people find your podcast? They would find it at mybookofmormonpodcast.com. Doesn't that presume somebody would want to find his podcast?

Look, someone may be going on a very long road trip, and they need to put their kids to sleep. What, is all of the rest of the internet broken? They're just driving through an apocalypse. It's the only thing on. Because the way kids' hearing works, they can't distinguish him from the motorhome. David, thanks for joining us, man. We appreciate it.

You bet. There's nothing like coming in here and getting abused can I come around the wall now get back where you belong we're going to be busy here in a second you want to stay there at least for another minute there's padding on the floor

for a reason alright we're going to leave you guys like we always do with Tom's shitty poem credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal freeidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides.

Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Outro Music