Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 289: Ba’ll Worship

Episode Date: April 18, 2016

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey guys, this is Alex Jones. It's not human intelligence. Glory hole. Hey, this is Desert Dave in San Antonio, and I just had a thought. My only one for the week. You know, Jesus was a Jew, and all the first followers were Jews, so you could say that Christianity came from the Jews. But if Christians came from Jews, why are there still Jews? Checkmate, Christian. Hello, this is Presidential Postal Bernie Sanders, and I want to tell you something. I want to tell you something. For too long, the 1% have helped sway over 99% of the U.S. population's glory hole. And we got to do something about this. Hey, guys, this is Graham from Richmond. You know, I got to be honest,

Bernie Sanders has been living in my crawlspace the last week like a bridge troll. And apparently he cares about all types of inequality. Glory Hall, guys. Have a wonderful evening. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome at. This is episode 289, and this is an incredibly important episode.

This is possibly one of the most monumentous episodes that we have had because this is a very special anniversary. Cecil, this is our five-year anniversary. Is this hand job or blow job anniversary? Well, I'll tell you, and I want to let's have a conversation about that. And I'm glad you brought that up, good sir. Because recently our friends at the Scathing Atheist podcast. Wait, hold on. We have friends at the Scathing Atheist podcast. Wait, hold on. Hold on.

We have friends at the Scathing Atheist podcast? We have friends in air quotes. Frenemies. Frenemies at the Scathing Atheist podcast. Look, we have friends in the sense that we send them checks. Right? That's it. That's how I have friends.

I understand. They are short term. They say thank you a lot. That's it. We leave a good tip. Right. But our friends at the Scathing Atheist podcast, they recently had a vulgarity for charity event.

It spanned three episodes. That sounds real boring. Nobody would listen to it. But I did hear through the grapevine that we were mentioned, which is the only reason I would deign to listen to their program. And I did. I did for three consecutive episodes. Wow. I did. Wow. Three consecutive episodes. Wow.

I know. Jesus, man. Are they sending out to Guantanamo soon? What the fuck? I felt like I fucking earned a Purple Heart after I was done. Good Lord Christ. Jesus. If I listen to them.

It's like fucking ball torture. Of all. No, it was worse. I mean, I didn't like it is what I was saying. And of all the terrible things that was said about our show, about you, Cecil, they ran some shots at you. That's fine. They ran some shots at me.

Did Noah Lusions, the bell of the ball, attack me? Because that's kind of awesome. He is the cutest girl at any conference. I mean, he is the cutest girl. He's got an ass like a 12-year-old. Look at that thing. Oh, man, I'd grab onto that hair. Bounce a quarter off that fucking thing.

I'd grab onto that hair, and I wouldn't let go. Let me tell you. You come near me one more time, Noah. Come near me, I dare you. I'll play a little grabby bitey with you. Noah, you're fucking asking for it. That's all I'm saying. Dressed like that.

Reeking of tar and nicotine. You dirty little girl! If I wasn't afraid of Lucinda, I'll tell you. But they had the unmitigated temerity, the audacity to suggest. Wait, it was just those two or did the fat Jew show up? Yeah, Heath was there. Yeah, Heath was there. They're probably so much better at this.

We are, too. It's awesome. No, they're really good at it. We're terrible at this. It's clear that they had written their lines, though. Yeah, sure. I'm just saying. That wasn't off the cuff. But great delivery, guys.

Yeah, it really made it believable. Anyway, it seemed spot on. But they had the audacity to suggest about myself, sir. They said, and I believe I may be quoting, that I prefer a handjob to a blowjob. You can say a lot of shit about me, but I'll take whatever you're offering. All I'm saying is, a job's a job, and I've been unemployed for a long time. Okay, here's the deal.

It's not like I'm going to turn either one of them down. Right? It's like, hey, can you do both? It's right. Yeah, I mean, like... This is a short movie with a predictable ending right like the sequel has the same fucking timeline as the original oh no man i want to congratulate them though to be honest i want to congratulate them

because you know all joking aside they put our jokes aside they wound up raising about 12 grand about 12 grand i think it was over 12 grand for charity through this effort. And we are actually going to be teaming up with them hopefully this summer. We're going to be talking about it soon with them. And we're hopefully going to be teaming up to do a really big push somewhere else. So we're not sure exactly what charity. We have one in mind, although, like we said, we didn't vet it yet. So we still have to figure out that whole mess.

But once that's all set up, pay attention for the summer. Save your pennies, because if you want to get... I know that we're going to be doing another... They're going to be doing another vulgarity for charity, and we'll be part of that. When it's time for the big push, Cecil, will you hold my hand and look at me in the eyes? That's all I need. That's not what I'm going to

hold. Here's the thing. I know what you prefer now. I've known you for 20 years and I never knew, man. Brother, if you think it's a handy, you do not understand me. You should make that a shirt. That would be a great shirt. That's amazing. That would be a great shirt.

I wanted to say, though, five years ago, we split this podcast off from Everyone's a Critic. We did. And as someone posted, I think, on the Facebook page, on the Facebook thing, you guys tried your hardest not to talk about the movies and the shit that was in between everything.

The filler. The filler became Cognitive Dissonance, and it's true. And it's been a great... It's the only time I'll filler. And actually, to be honest, eight years ago, about around this time, we started Everyone's a Critic.

It's true. So to five years, to five really great years, we've been... Really great years? Who the fuck have you been partnering with? Well, here's the thing. Five great years for the podcast.

The rest of our lives are in a shambles, but this is still good all right i'll take it uh so but but here's to you tom and to our friendship buddy here we go nice so a lot of this show uh to be honest yes this is a frankenstein because a lot of this show we recorded on sunday we recorded with andy Marsh, a lot of this stuff, but they stayed, we had such a good conversation with them. We kept it as almost a full episode. So that wound up becoming the Thursday episode

that you heard already. This episode is kind of a Frankenstein. Like Tom said, there's a lot of stuff that we covered after we got off the phone with Andy and Marsh, after the Skype, there's no phone, Skype conversation,

fucking phone. Where am I? I was looking around like, oh, did we have one in the past? Jesus Christ. Good Lord, man. I don't even use my fucking cellular phone as a phone. My cell phone is a texting device. If it rings, I'm like,

why is that making a sound at me? I know. I'm the same way. What is going on here? I'm always like, deny, deny, or whatever. I don't want to answer. I get like anxiety. No, mom. Click. If mom called me on my cell phone, that'd be amazing.

We have a lot of this extra that we, like I said, recorded on Sunday. So some of the stuff we're recording tonight, but there is some stuff that will be interspersed from Sunday. You literally are staring into virtually the unvarnished energy of Satan himself when you come up against the forces that are pushing the homosexual agenda forward. So we've got two stories that are kind of back-to-back here we want to talk about. The first one comes from Right Wing Watch. Cruz tries to rewrite history, claims he denounced radical kill-the-gays pastors.

history, claims he denounced radical, kill-the-gays pastors. So Ted Cruz accepted the endorsement and also just attended a conference where Kevin Swanson was, I don't know if he was a keynote, but he was certainly a speaker at this conference. Well, let's listen to it, because at this point, I think Ted Cruz and Swanson are on the stage together. So let's listen. Jesus Christ is far above all principality and power, all dominion and might. Can we say amen to that? No.

What does that mean? I don't know. He's far above all dominion and might. Hey, man, what's above that dominion? I don't know. It doesn't even make sense. It's not. Where is it at?

What is above dominion? What is the elevation of dominion? Like, oh, dominion's at 11,300 feet. There it is. That's about dominion. Right? It's just above the tree line. Fucking dominion. Like, oh, dominion's at 11,300 feet. There it is. That's about dominion. It's just above the tree line. Fucking dominion and might. Fuck off.

There's a guy who got stuck to a couple of sticks. Like, really? Like, dominion and might? They fucking, he wasn't above a fucking hammer and a nail. I know, he couldn't even pull himself off the cross. Like, do you even lift, bro? What the fuck? Jesus Christ is king of kings and lord of lords

he is king of the president of the united states wait he's king of the president he is king of the president he's shah of the czar he is also he's rubber and you're glue whether he will admit it or not and that president should submit to his rule and to his law. Amen. Amen. It's not hot. It's not hot. Look, here's the thing. Like, it's the fucking president. I will say.

That guy's a dom, right? Like, that's how it works. I was going to say, like, there is some submitting that can be kind of hot, though, admittedly. Nothing with Kevin Swanson. Like, I don't think there's anything that Kevin Swanson can do. Look, if someone's getting tied to the railing, it ain't me. Submitting or not, Kevin Swanson is not on the hot end of that. Now, my friends, let me introduce to you the next candidate for the office of President of the United States. Folks, please make welcome Senator Ted Cruz.

Hey, folks. Thanks for having me. I think I would vote for me probably. Should I stand here or do you want me to sit? Here's the thing. All I know is this man's a eunuch. That's what I'm saying. A voluntary eunuch.

We were talking about bottoms a few minutes ago. Dude, that's as bottom as it gets. He's just like, I don't even like being pegged. Nobody's ever clapped that long for Ted Cruz. This is obviously edited audio. This is. Still waving.

Still in his presidential wave. Ted Cruz is back there like, guys, stop. I feel uncomfortable. I hope I don't have to be near any eagles. I don't like eagles. I'm scared of their talons. They seem sharp. Okay.

Senator Cruz, I've got a few questions for you. Then I'd like to open it up so you could share your... Open your anus for the audience? I'd like to open it up so you could share your anus. I share it with whoever needs it right now. I don't like it, but I don't like to say no. Can I be president? Ideas with the audience today, And the first question is this.

Fire away, but you're not going to ask about fantasy football, are you? No, I'm not. The what? Fantasy football. Dude, when was this? When was this? Was this in April? What would he be playing?

I'm drafting next year's team, but I don't know who's going to be on the team. Dude, here's the thing. There's a lot of fucking try-hards in fantasy football, Noah and Heath being the two fucking ones I know. Even they have forgotten about fantasy football this fucking far away from the season. This is as bad as me trying to play. The fucking FedEx guy's like, hey hey man, what's going on, bro? Who you got in the big game? And I'm like, I don't know yet, man. Who do you got, right?

Oh, I got the San Francisco elites or whatever. San Francisco elites? And I'm like, yeah, man. I think they got a shot. If they can stay healthy. And I don't know what I'm talking about and nobody can tell nobody ever calls you

out either it's all about the coaching you guys have seen me do it it's fucking amazing i can i feel like i can go a good solid five to ten minutes just asking you the question you're asking me absolutely yeah i've been doing it for years yeah for years i can i can this guy is too obvious right yeah i can do that about a lot of stuff that's supposed to be manly, though. I can do that about a lot of stuff. Like penises. Yeah, like having sex. What a boob feels like.

So what do you think about sex? As long as they stay healthy. It's all about the coaching. No, I'm not. I'm going to go much tougher than that. I'm going to ask you all fantasy baseball. Is that a thing? Yeah, dude.

Fantasy, like every sport. There's fantasy hockey. I know your face is making the best face. It's the very best of the incredulous faces you make. It's the open mouth gape a fly could fly in your face that you're making fantasy basketball is a thing i pretty sure fantasy soccer all the points for fantasy soccer fantasy soccer oh my god oh my god real soccer Fantasy soccer? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Real soccer? Yeah. Tom, Tom, Tom. The cool thing about fantasy soccer is that it's exciting. That's the fantasy. That's like fantasy figure skating. Who fucking cares? Fantasy curling. Fantasy gymnastics.

Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, dude. Fantasy tennis. It's so funny you didn't think fantasy baseball was a thing because fantasy baseball started the whole thing. Fantasy baseball was what started the whole fantasy craze. Bro, I've had a lot of fantasies. I'm having one right now. It has

something to do with a big long thing and two balls. It has nothing to do with any mitts. It ain't that long. It's like one of those mini ones they give out on free hot dog night. It's a little more like the hot dog. But I can't even imagine a fantasy that has a baseball like i can't even like like if somebody called me right now they're like hey guess what

everybody who's ever seen a baseball has died do you want to be on the baseball team like oh man i'll just go to work I'm good don't know I don't know what this is all about pass fantasy baseball it's a real thing though it's the first thing that ever I mean as I recall as I recall though it was the first

of the fantasies like I remember back it's not the first of mine before before the internet was around and this is going to kill you. The first of mine involved a shit and a harem, and I don't even know what else. This is going to be the best because you have no idea. But back before the internet was a thing, and people would go on the internet to do those, because that's where you would do it now.

You go on there, and someone figures out all the points. Hold on. I'm being honest. Fantasy sporting stuff predates the internet? Well, at least pre, before it was on the internet as a thing right so it was like i remember my first fantasy baseball team was when i was right out of high school so you're talking 90 jesus christ i was in the 1400s yeah i graduated from like fucking yeah i went to christopher columbus school of witchcraft and

slavery so anyway yeah not it was in yeah so back when there weren't even talkies yeah so i used my buggy whip back then no but like uh but i guess what i'm saying is you're old i am right but that's basically what it was. It's hilarious. So what you would have to do is you would have to call a phone number. Fuck you. I swear to you. You'd have to call a phone number and you'd say.

I'm getting angry for no reason. I'm actually a little upset right now. I would like to drop Roger Clemens and add. I'm trying to think of somebody else in that era, but I can't remember. Joe Mandarin. Whoever fucking knows. Add Barry Bonds. Whatever. Because he's on the free agent wire. and add... I'm trying to think of somebody else in that era, but I can't remember. Add Barry Bonds. Whatever. Because he's on the free agent wire.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What are you saying? You would get your... Holy shit. I can't care about this lesson. You would get your... No one has ever told a story to me that I've cared about less than this story.

Nobody ever. You would get the free agent wire and the drops, the list of who dropped and who did stuff in the snail mail. Fuck you in the ass. I swear to you. In the mail? I swear to you. There was a whole company. Did you get a secret decoder

ring at the same time? There was a company that. Did you check and make sure about the adventures of little orphan Annie on the fucking radio? There was a company that made money off this. Jesus Christ. That's how they made, they were called Stats Incorporated or something. And they would collect all the stats and send you all the points. They would add it all up.

Oh, so boring. It's so boring. I can't even imagine doing this. You could jerk off so many times before any of that happened. That was before the internet had porn on it, though. All right, all right. You got me. Maybe there's something else to do. You're just like fucking bored. off so many times before any of that happened. That was before the internet had porn porn on it, though. Alright, alright, you got me. Maybe there's something else to do. You're just like, fucking, you're bored. You're like, ugh, I gotta wait till fucking midnight till the titty flicks come on Cinemax.

No, this is an important question. This is, in fact, this is the most important question that I ask any candidate who's running for political office, and that is this. How important is it for the President of the United States to fear God? Well, I fear everyone.

So. I live in a constant state of anxiety. This guy is like the Professor fucking Frink without the brain power. I'm curious what he has. He's got to. What is he going to say? Of course, he's going to be like, hey, God can put his cock in my mouth. Totes importante.

Hold on a second. Let's see if he can fucking unhinge my jaw and put it in there. I like when he thrusts it right in the back of my throat. My mascara is going to run. And what does that mean to you? Any president who doesn't begin every day on his knees. Hey! There we go.

There we go. There it is. This fucker's got! There we go! There it is! This fucker's got calluses. Oh, there it is, folks. Isn't fit to be commander-in-chief of this country. Amen. Mental note, fuck the president. Every morning you get a fucking BJ every morning?

The best part of waking up. The best part of waking up. So now we listen to that little piece. It's Ted Cruz. It's not that little a piece. It's Ted Cruz on stage talking about giving a blowy to Jesus or whatever. Sure. Now let's listen to this piece here from Glenn Beck. So Glenn Beck, this is from the Raw story.

It says, Glenn Beck claims that Ted Cruz chewed out his staff for allowing him to appear at Kevin Swanson's Kill the Gays rally. Now, we just played Kevin Swanson talking to Cruz and he didn't say anything really egregious there, but he did on some

of the other stuff that we played before say some pretty egregious shit. This is the guy who said he'd rather cover himself in poop. Yeah. Right, remember that? Sittin' sackcloth in ashes or whatever. No, like you said, like I wanna fuckin'

bathe in fuckin' manure before a gay dude has a sexy time. I wanna show you what it's like to be disappointed or whatever. I don't even know, yeah. I know what it's like

to be disappointed. You know what I mean? I don't need you. You're well-practiced. I fuckin' wake up in the morning, eh. in the mirror i'm just like i wish i was is it upgrade oh god i'm looking i'm looking at all those like 400 pound guys in the in the gym and being like man my 600 pound life sucks i masturbate to the before picture. That's all I'm saying. All right, so let's listen to Glenn Beck.

So now Glenn Beck is talking about how, you know, he's going to explain a position that Ted Cruz has about being with Ken Swanson. Right before we started recording that, my daughter walks out of her house. She lives next door. She walked out of her house because everybody was in there. Oh, God.

Not only your fucking Glenn Beck's daughter, but you have to live next door to this twat? It's probably because you're afraid he's going to have a heart attack at any moment. Can you hear his second chin? I feel like at this point in his life, his second chin has become audible. He's like Mac Tonight. It's like this fucking big light.

You could set a drink on it. He's got Mac tonight. It's like this fucking big, you can put a fucking, you can set a drink on it. He's got like a fucking rooster giblet or whatever. He's got a waddle. Fucking little punching. I prefer to call those rooster giblets. He's got a little punching bag down there. Gugga-gugga-gugga-gugga-gugga-gugga. You know, 400 people were in the yard.

And she's like, hey, dad, just another day at the Beck House. And I said, you haven't met Senator Cruz yet, have you? And she said, no. And then she looked at me because she knew what I was going to do. And she beat red. And she's like, no, Dad,

no, please don't. No, I don't want to meet my asshole. I know he does that to everybody, but I don't want to meet my asshole. It's weird, Dad. It's just weird. And I haven't showered today. I feel awkward. And I said, no, you should hear it from him. She has been asking me to ask because all of her friends, all of her New York friends, New York friends, those disgusting, wretched, non-pizza eating fucking garbage in the street. Motherfucker. They eat pizza. it's just super floppy it's fucking like like his chin it's basically new yorkers eat glenn beck's chin when they eat when they eat pizza it's just

greasy if you the thing that makes it so floppy though is all the garbage juice that's on the street that's what makes it floppy so it's funny because it's actually hard to tell the difference in taste between the garbage juice on the street and that fucking filth i mean you're just like you're just like i don't know am i eating a fucking triangle of fucking cardboard and rats or is this new york style pizza are all like look at this homophobic bigot he speaks at this some church in Ohio, where that guy, have you seen this video? It's horrible. This guy comes out and he's like, I think that, I'm not saying that they should be sown to death. I'm just saying God says that homosexuals.

The guy that opened for him, right? Yeah. Props. Right? Props. Right. They got the state wrong. It was Iowa, not Ohio.

Yeah. So they got the state wrong. But, you know, that's a matter of being pedantic. Like, it's the spirit of the thing. It's the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law. So they are actually condemning the horrible nature of Kevin Swanson. I've got to say that

that is a great step. Now, I don't know Beck's particular stance on gays. I don't know what that is. He doesn't seem like he gets that worked up about it, though he's Mormon, which I thought that they were really super against it. They were super anti-gay. And then they stopped being super anti because they said that they weren't, and then

I guess a lot of them still really are. So, but... Weren't they the ones that drove Prop 8? Yeah, but then they also came out with like, and then someone had a conversation with God, because they have the conversation with God once in a while, and they're like, and by the way, gays are okay now.

Or blacks, right? Because they had to do the same thing for black people. I guess that they're not okay. It's just that they're not as bad or something like that. I don't really know. Because they pride themselves on being a living religion where you can go and talk to God and be like, oh, no, got it wrong. Got it wrong. You gotta fly over to Stonehenge and do a ritual or whatever you gotta do.

You gotta dig up a new record to look at. You gotta look at a new set of golden tablets or fucking whatever that nonsense is. It was crazy. And actually, from what I understand, he didn't open. He said it like the day before. And so Ted wasn't even there and didn't know this guy. Wait, Ted didn't know this guy?

Wasn't he just on stage with this guy? You know, and let's talk about that for a second. Because when I saw these stories, my very first thought was, fuck you, Ted. You have a responsibility to vet the people that you go visit and see. Would you, Cecil, let's say, okay, we're going to QED,

which is in Manchester in October, right? Yeah. We're going to QED. Would you still go if you found out, like, the keynote speaker was some fucking hate-filled bigot shithead? I don't think we would go. And if we did, we would make sure to know who the speakers were, kind of what their stances were.

Wait, is Andy speaking? No, it's Eli. Oh! Yes! Yes. Anyway. But you know what I mean? Like you have a responsibility as a public figure to vet the places that you go that you walk onto a stage with

and if you don't do that that's the fucking height of laziness that is seriously the height of it's like oh you're gonna get you know did nobody know who he was gonna walk on a stage with that's fucking lazy and you know even in the skeptics realm look what happened with ness right with that when they when they when dawkins tweeted that thing and then people got super mad and they pulled out of the conference. People pulled out of the conference because they knew he was going to be there and they didn't want to be there with him. Whether that's fucking – whether they wanted to be – whether people think they should or they shouldn't or whatever, it's irrelevant. The point stands, right? The point stands that fucking – if you don't want to be with somebody who you fucking dislike and think shouldn't represent you, don't go to the conference.

It's fucking super easy, man. It's the same thing as in all the rest of your life, right? Like there is a professional life of a person who works for someone else, right, where you realize, like, sometimes I'm going to have to associate with people I find despicable, right? That's just part of the game of working for a company. Sure, yeah. When you're getting paid, sometimes that happens. Right. That's it. But, game of working for a company. Sure, yeah. When you're getting paid, sometimes that happens. Right, that's it.

But this is different. This is a guy who is trying to sell us. He's trying to sell us, the American people, on his principles. He's trying to say, here I am. I am this kind of man. And the kind of man that you are is reflected by the associations, the people that you keep. I believe this is true. I keep company

with good people. And I'm not running for anything. I wouldn't run if you put a gun to my head. I couldn't run three consecutive steps without a defibrillator. That's an outrage. But I believe, I do believe, honestly, that I keep company with good people. That is important to me. This is a guy who's trying to sell the American people on his character. He's trying to sell the American people on the quality of him as a person. And he is careless about who he associates with

publicly. And even still, let's say I didn't really know who this guy was or whatever, and I show up to the conference, and I didn't really vet, or I didn't have a fucking staff that could vet him, even though he's clearly got tons of staffers that are doing this work. Get a better assistant. I know.

Let's just presume that all that shit fell through the cracks. I was backstage and heard him talk because you come out while he's fucking, while he's, you know, waving his hands and being like, praise God. Hallelujah. By the way, here's Ted Cruz. Like fucking, I heard you 10 minutes minutes ago almost shit your pants about gays can't i just be like you know what i just changed my fucking mind you and i ditched our first sponsor do you remember this yeah we ditched our first sponsor because we had a moral objection

to a survey they wanted our audience to participate yeah so i'm not going to go into the details but we we ditched that we said no we're not going to do into the details, but we ditched that. We said, no, we're not going to do it, right? Yeah. We said, hey, look, this survey doesn't have anything other than male and female on it. Right. It just says male or female. And they said, well, that's just how the survey is written. We're not going to rewrite it. They're either going to have to pick male or female.

That's the only two options. That's the binary options. Right. And we said, no, that's not. We're not going to do that. We have an audience that's sensitive to those issues, right? So we're like, well, fuck it. And we chose just not to make any money for a while. Yeah, we chose, we actually cut out all money making for the show in the very beginning.

Right. Completely. Right. Because the right thing to do doesn't change. What he could have done if he had a spine or a backbone or the fucking ability to get hard is he could have walked out like a man. He could have walked out on stage. He could have grabbed that microphone and said, you know what?

Turns out I denounced this, right? Like this isn't, that isn't a reprehensible way to behave. Even, even if he was going to do like the fucking, like the way he could have said, he could have said,

look, I don't agree with some of the things that you said. I don't agree with those things. I think we really need to be a little more inclusive, but I am a God-fearing guy. Sure. He could have softened the blow, right? That's what you're saying.

He could have softened the blow. He could have hedged a bit. Well, with Ted Cruz, it's always a soft blow. But I understand what you're saying, yeah. Oh, that's awesome. So anyway, my daughter comes up. I said, no, you should hear it from him. I didn't know the answer he was going to give. And I said, I had been saying to her for a couple of months that I was going to ask him, and daughter comes up. I said, no, you should hear it from him. I didn't know the answer he was going to give.

And I said, I had been saying to her for a couple of months that I was going to ask him, and I keep forgetting. And I said, but, you know, I want to look him in the eye, as he says, and you'll be able to tell. The guy did not look you in the eye. Ted Cruz did not look you in the eye. Like, he averted his gaze is what he did. If Ted Cruz looked me in the eye, he'd fucking roll over and pee. gaze is what he did if ted cruz looked me in the eye he'd roll over and pee so i say come with me because you need to judge and so i said ted my daughter has a question and she's beet red and she's like well that you know that that speech you gave right before the preacher

speech you gave right before the preacher, immediately he knew what it was. And he said, okay, first of all, that guy was reprehensible, reprehensible. I haven't heard him say that though.

Like maybe he said it in private to somebody backyard barbecue. Yeah. He said it a backyard barbecue, but I mean, if, if, and I'm not saying that he didn't say it, I'm not saying he didn't say it, but if he did say it, I would love to see a news article where Ted Cruz comes out on someone, like on a fucking massive media station, whatever that is.

Like some fucking large mass media station. Not fucking Phyllis Schlafly's podcast, but a fucking, a real actual news station and say, fuck that guy. I'm willing to listen. But none of that, I mean, and admittedly, I'm not looking for it. So I got to, I have to throw that caveat out there. I haven't been looking for it, but I don't believe he did that. Now, if he's saying it at a backyard barbecue and he's not saying it to the mass media, this is as close as he's getting as a fucking third party telephone game.

Yeah. It doesn't count, man. Here's the thing. It straight doesn't count because you did one thing publicly and then you took it back privately? Sorry, man. Fucking that's not how takesies-backsies works. He said, honestly,

it's one of the only times I have chewed my staff out. That is bullshit. That man's never eaten anybody out. How did you not know who this guy was? How did you not know that guy was going to say that? He said, I was there. Other candidates were there. He said, I can't, I can't say that I wasn't there because I did. I will tell you that not only did I not know that, I think that was absolutely reprehensible, bigoted, despicable.

I want nothing to do with him or any kind of alliances to people like that. And he was really strong. And I looked at her and she's like, okay, good. I'm cool with that. He was really strong. That guy's never been strong about anything. He couldn't show... He's going to yell at us.

Guys, why didn't you? We didn't. Okay. I'm sorry. You guys want a sandwich? Can I rub your feet? Why not just let that 400 people or whatever, whoever's there,

because it's not a very big crowd. Just let them hang and be like, I'm out. Yeah, just leave. I'm out. Sorry. Because that was the other option. If you just want to take kind of the coward's way out but still make a stand, you could just be like, that seems crazy.

I'm just going to peace out of this pig, right? I'm not going to confront it because I'm a fucking chicken shit, non-confrontational half man, but I'm just going to walk. shit, non-confrontational half-man, but I'm just gonna walk, but I at least I at least would have the fucking one testicle of a Tour de France winner and walk the fuck out of that thing.

The thing is, I'm an invertebrate. So I can't really push back on anything. That guy makes fucking jellyfish seem hard. And if we continue to follow progressive principles and quite honestly, common core math, we will repeat the same mistakes that we made in the 1930s and the 1940s,

and the world will follow with fascism, communism, war, and hunger. So this is a story that comes from Right Wing Watch. Glenn Beck says nobody can understand the Moses-like burden that Ted Cruz carries. The Moses-like burden? Moses-like. Huh. Ted fucking faceless Cruz. Moses-like burden.

Ted baby doll nose Cruz. Does he have to carry around tablets everywhere? Is that the burden? Is that? Little known fact, Moses was a diaper fetishist. He wore that thing. He wore that thing! It's like a big diaper. It's like a toga diaper. Well, it hides what's going on

underneath. Otherwise, if it's too form-fitting, you can see the safety pins. Alright, let's play Glenn Beck from the Glenn Beck shoe. What we have to understand is while we look, because I do. Joan, I watch him

and I'll watch him on stage or I'll watch him, you know, in debate and I'll be like With my hands in my pants, I watch him. I'll watch him through the security cameras I have installed in his house. I'll watch him while he sleeps. I watch him during our communal bath. Sometimes I stay up at night

just staring at his beautiful face. I stare up at him as he thrusts his cock into my mouth. Ted, you should have done X, Y, or Z. Yeah. But I'm not carrying also the burden. The burden. The burden.

That's the diaper, right? That's what he's talking about. The burden. Uh-oh. Kruzy's got a burden. He's got a burden. Who wants to un talking about the burden uh-oh cruisy's got a burden he's got a burden who wants to unburden cruisy did cruisy make a burden oh what's the burden being the first android president like what the fuck is the burden that he's carrying and i will tell him you know from mike lee the burden these guys actually believe it, like we believe it.

I love the way he said that. These guys actually, like he was incredulous. Right. These guys actually believe it. And then he stopped and said, like, we believe it. Right. Like, guys, guys, they're crazy, too. They're all, we're all the same kind of crazy.

Man. Fucking self-awareness for the loon. Jesus Christ, man. He's not going to be the first self-aware Android then. And imagine being in a position to where you believe it. You believe the country is at the end. You believe that God is telling you you step up to the plate you believe that you just like moses may be slow in speech and not the perfect guy what the fucking what do we want this guy for i'm not perfect and i'm fucking a little retarded like that's a little slow of speech that's his

way of saying like he's not that smart a little dim he's fucking dim with it a little slow of speech. That's his way of saying, like, he's not that smart. He's a little dim. He's fucking dim-witted. Look, he's a little slow of speech. He's a little, you know, 70 IQ. Well, he's talking about Moses here, though, right? He's talking about Moses, too, right? Yeah, he's talking about Moses. He's saying Moses and Cruz, you know, both are walking around with significant intellectual impairment. They have difficulties.

Right? Oh, wait. You should definitely be the leader of the free world. No, Kruzy, that's a square, not a circle. Right? That will never fit in that peg. It will never. No matter what you do.

All right. Just hit it with a hammer. Just nod off the sides. Okay, now it'll fit. That's not an approach to problem solving. Don't just hit it harder. But you know if you get in there, you can actually do something, and you've tried to stay loyal,

do you know what that life is like for two years? Of tearing yourself apart of, please, Lord, just tell me, just tell me, just tell me. I'll do it, just tell me. And the burden of, I blew it. What the fuck can he blow? I mean, here's the thing. I know he can blow a lot of things, it. What the fuck? What the fuck can he blow? I mean, here's the thing. I know he can blow a lot of things, it turns out.

But if Cruz, let's say Cruz is fucking handpicked by God. Let's say fucking for the sake of argument, Glenn Beck is right. And God's up there like, hey, y'all, which one? I'll take that Android one. I want that one. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. No, I don't want the one with the little fingers.

I want the other one. So he picks Cruz. Couldn't Cruz just like fucking get on stage and fuck his own ass with like a fucking 20 inch dildo and it wouldn't matter because he's handpicked by God. Like why is there a burden? Why does it matter what he says? He should just be able to walk up and go. And every fucking debate and they would just be like everybody would up and go, and every fucking debate. And they would just be like, everybody would cheer no matter what he said. He could speak in tongues, literally speak in tongues. And it wouldn't matter a bit because he's been hand chosen by God.

The fact of the matter is he's got to still run a campaign. He still is busy and mired in all the work that it takes to become the president of the United States. Yet he's been chosen by God. What, that doesn't make the fucking line any shorter right being handpicked by god does you no good right it's like hey it's actually bad right it's like i picked you don't you gonna win but first you gotta win though yeah and then you'll have all you have to do is do all the things it takes to win and then you won as if i weren't handpicking yeah exactly you know it's like sleeping with the

boss and like still not getting a raise yeah it's like hey you're like well fucking why did i fuck you then it's the worst way ever oh my gosh i don't want to be them i don't want to be them well you couldn't be because they require a psychiatric evaluation nobody is asking you to be them like there's no way you would be them. This whole thing that he does, he's like, do you know what it's like for two years of tearing yourself apart? Just tell me what to do. All this praying, all this fucking weepy fucking bullshit nonsense. None of it says that's a powerful guy making independent decisions.

That's a guy who's decisive. You're right. Powerful guy making independent decisions. That's a guy who's decisive. Absolutely. You're right. You're right. What that says is that is a fucking subservient little mouse of a man who's just like, oh, somebody tell me what to do. Like the fucking ridiculous. Absolutely. You're talking about the motherfucking president of the United States.

You're talking about somebody who's going to be, you know, at least the head figure of the free world to some degree. And you want him fucking begging somebody else for permission to be a know at least the the head figure of the free world to some degree and you want him fucking begging somebody else for permission to be a man yeah you want him begging you want him begging for direction right the guy doesn't even understand what direction to go in for a for a fucking run for presidency that we're talking about decisions that like at this point billions of lives hang in the balance for your decisions if you're going to make a bad decision and you're going to be looking at your invisible fucking sky daddy for that, when you can't even decide how to run your own campaign or what to say on fucking stage because you're slow-witted or whatever,

that's not an endorsement, man! Right! the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com, or you can call and leave a message at 740-74- patreon.com. That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n.com forward slash dissonance pod, or click the link on the podcast homepage, and you can donate to the production of Cognitive Dissonance on a per episode basis. If you can't spare any money, take a second to give us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us.

You fucking rock. This is stories from Right Wing Watch. It's also Glenn Beck. We are toast. My best Glenn Beck. That's pretty good, actually. Glenn Beck does not appreciate Cecil being mocked for warning about bail ball. It's bail. Bail?

I think that's bail. I'm going to call it ball worship. I'm going to call it ball worship. But I would say ball is fine. Just call it balls. It's the god of balls. This guy is mad because of ball worship. That's what he's mad about.

So he's not a guy who likes uh making he want he he likes ball torture not ball worship so i'll tell you what though dude like of all the fucking body parts that have ever been worshipped balls have never been it nobody's ever been like look at them balls yeah that's the consolation i don't think you can have a ball fetish right nobody's like fucking of all the compliments you could even if you received it be like you got nice balls be like what they're fucking balls dude it's like fucking it's like two walnuts and chicken skin like what the fuck like nobody's walking around proud of their balls and they grow every year and there's weird hairs on them and like fucking they like there's just

like one's hanging lower than the other they They're fucking asymmetrical. It's like this weird little sack I have to carry around. It's not hot. It's the sack part of me. It's just like, look, these are going to slap up against you. Just go with it. Just go with it. That's it. I'm real sorry.

I apologize ahead of time and I'll apologize during and afterwards. I'm going to say I'm sorry. All right. So here's here's Glenn Beck talking about his balls. We're going to get email from people that are fucking balls fetish. No, we're not. Because I'm going. All right, so here's Glenn Beck talking about his balls. We're going to get email from people that are fucking balls fetish. No, we're not, because I'm going to delete it. Somebody's going to write it and be like, I love balls. Nobody loves balls!

Seriously, you can be fucking like, you know what I love? Ears. I love a good ear. I love the follicle where it touches the skin. I would believe that more than if somebody wrote it was like, I love me a good testicle. Really? Fucking nobody likes that. It's like gizzards, dude. It's like gizzards. It's like a depression fetish.

UNESCO, the World Heritage Foundation, they took the two arches from the Temple of Baal. Got them out. Got them out of what? The thing? No, they didn't. They fucking 3D printed them. Fuck you. They didn't take them from somewhere, you fucking twat.

That's how it works when you copy something. They fucking 3D printed them. But yeah, but that's the same thing. They got them out. Basically, they fucking blew the site up up that's why they're doing it because fucking isis is a bunch of fucking idiots like you glenn beck who don't appreciate the fact that this is ancient history and not real and not fucking real so you know what they fucking took these and reprinted them because isis is a bag of assholes that are blowing up fucking World Heritage sites.

And so they're like, hey, that site, remember that site that fucking explodinated that was a World Heritage site? We'd like to put it somewhere. Oh, we're going to fucking 3D print it then. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. 2,000 years old and we're worried about it now.

So the original existed. Yeah. For 2,000 years. Yeah. And it fucking didn't cause any big problems. Yeah. You know, nobody, I've never heard the sentence like, well, everything would have turned out For 2,000 years. Yeah. And it fucking didn't cause any big problems. Yeah. I've never heard the sentence like, well, everything would have turned out if it wasn't for the Temple of Baal.

Yeah, exactly. Nobody's ever said that. Yeah. The one time I was traveling in front of these demons flew out of the Temple of Baal. Right. No. No. Yeah, because it's just a fucking hole in the ground.

So for 2,000 years, the original existed. Now we've got a fucking lifelike reproduction. And it's a big deal. Whoa. Super big deal. Whoa, guys. We were about to put one in Trafalgar Square in London. Trafalgar Square and Times Square.

This is a cut scene for Hell Great London. This is. Which is, yeah. The thing is, is like, the idea that that's supposed to be a big deal, that one's in London and one's here. Like, what are they fucking, a Stargate? Am I going to fucking be able to watch? Because I'll tell big deal, that one's in London and one's here, like what are they fucking a Stargate? Am I going to fucking be able to watch? Because I'll tell you what, that'd be kind of awesome. I'd go through it.

Fucking Stargate between the two? I'd push you through it. That'd be awesome. You couldn't push me through a gate. That's fair. You could hit me with a train. I'd barely nudge. And the other in Times Square.

That's it though. We are taking the entrance of the Temple of Baal and putting one in Times Square and one in Trafalgar Square. Yeah. They're also going to fucking install a mirror that people can say

Candyman in front of three times in Times Square. Who cares? Then they're going to play fucking light as a feather, stiff as a board. Why would we do that? We're doing that to promote World Heritage Week.

So, in some ways, it's a neat thing that you can see this old, ancient thing. Yes, it is a neat thing! It's fucking super neat, dude! It's great! It's better than when you blow up 2,000-year-old monuments to fucking human history. When you blow up 2,000-year-old monuments to human history,

that's a fucking tragedy, right? That's a social world tragedy. When it's like, oh, here's this thing that's part of our world history. It's survived. Think about 2,000 years, all this shit that thing has survived, and a bag of assholes

with fucking hoods on their heads running around the fucking deserts playing RPG wars decided to fucking blow that thing up. Right? And that's a fucking problem. So yeah, we're going to recreate it because that's also a fucking thumb of the eye of all those assholes who are blowing that shit up.

Because now we live in a time where when you blow that up, we can say, you know what? Fuck off. We'll build a new one. 3D printed that bitch. Blow this one up. Yeah, absolutely. And it says, there's an article that it's linked to and it says, the 50 footfoot-tall arch, part of the Temple of Bel, largely destroyed by Islamic State in Syria. And they'll be reproduced using 3D printers and displayed in New York and in London.

I think it's fucking brilliant. All the shit that those assholes blow up, we should reproduce them again and again and again. We should reproduce them and shove them right up their ass. We should make missiles that are shaped like the shit that they blow up. Yeah, there you go. Testicle-shaped missiles. Cluster bombs.

Yeah, thousands of little sacks fly out. But it was the Temple of Baal. I don't think we need to do... I don't think we should be promoting. No, that's not a good idea. Why is it not a good idea?

It's fucking. Do you believe in a fucking thing called Bale? Like, how fucking are you that crazy that you think, you know what? I really believe in the fucking in a demon. Well, fucking who cares, dude? Rational people don't. Well, yeah, but I mean, he's talking to an audience full of credulous dipshits. Holy shit, man.

You know, he reminds me, the audience that's listening to this, that's like drawn in by this, reminds me of a woman that my ex-wife used to work with who believed in like sugar demons and fucking like bad luck demons and, you know, fucking all that shit. Like everything that was bad had a demon associated with it. Like there were caffeine demons. Like anything you could get addicted to, anything that you didn all that shit. Like, everything that was bad had a demon associated with it. Like, there were caffeine demons. Like, anything you could get addicted to, anything that you didn't want in your life, anything that was bad got its own little demon.

Like, it was like a fucking, like, the patron demon of, you know, fucking impotence or, like, whatever, right? Like, the patron demon of all this stuff. Like, these guys think that demons are in control of the world. I really think that, like, there's a whole subset of people who genuinely think that there's goddamn devils running around who are like, I'm in charge of the sugar. And just like every time you eat a Snickers bar, it's because of me. Like sitting on your shoulder.

These are like, these are left shoulder, right shoulder people. Like, oh man, why did you get the fucking hand job at the fucking Asian massage parlor? I don't know, the fucking horny demon made me do it. I don't know, man. I think that's... What's scary to me is these people operate in everyday society. Right. That these...

These are your bank teller, man. This guy is not... He does not have a fucking insignificant audience. He has a large audience. I mean, you could tell this man had a fucking New York times bestseller and not just one. So there's a lot of people in the United States that listen to what this man has to say.

And he is talking right now, like a scared child at a fucking slumber party about the fuck, about some scary fucking ghost story, man. This is an adult with a huge fucking audience of people who think what he has to say matters. And he's talking about, oh, what happens if we put up this temple? What the fuck do you think is going to happen?

Literally nothing is going to happen. People are going to look at it and then they're going to move on with their day. They're not going to put it up and bat demons are going to fly out of it and take over the United States. Putting it up exactly 13 days before Bale's biggest day of the year. May 1st is the big day, and it's going up. May 1st. What is it? Bale's birthday.

We're going to count it down. Here we go. 14 more days till Bale's birthday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, only at the Rosemont Horizon. It's Bale's birthday. It's going to be a blast. It's not going to be. It's going to be a blast. It's like they just monster trucks minus the trucks.

All monsters. May 1st is the big day. May Day. And it's going up April 19th. I was wondering if the big day was May 1st. It has nothing to do with May 1st. It's April 19th that's going up. What is it?

Wait, what do I think about that? Oh, it's May Day. Oh, okay. I think about that? Oh, it's May Day. And what? Communism is what he said. Why did he just yell communism? Because demons are communists. Tom, I don't make the rules. Baal makes the rules.

Think of that. April 19th is a satanic holy day and that's what it's going up. Wow, jeez. It's one of many satanic holy day and that's what it's going up. Wow, jeez. It's one of many satanic holy days. I looked them up the other day. I counted the number of days that are satanic holy days and I want to say there was like 37 days. So it's like a 10% chance

that any day is going to be a satanic holy day because there's like fucking a bajillion of them throughout the whole year. Well, it's meaningless. What's Christian holy day? Is it Easter? Is it Christmas? There's a bunch of them, right? Yeah, that's what I mean. And the thing is, you pepper the fucking calendar with it, and

of course, once in a while, just like on the Wheel of Fortune, it hits fucking bankrupt once in a while. Same thing here. Once in a while, you're going to spin the fucking wheel, and it's going to happen to fucking land on the fucking day that's a holy day to them. And the more you look for this shit, the more you find it, right? Of course. You know, the more I'm looking for like, well, what if something happened on May 19th or fucking May 1st or April, whatever,

then you're going to find stuff because things happen. On days, it turns out. Well, and then you start plucking from other religions too. You're like, oh, well, you know, if you start expanding that to say like the Norse mythology or the pagan mythology or, you know, you start expanding it. Because anything non-Christian counts or the pagan mythology, you start expanding it. Because anything non-Christian counts, right? So now you got all these different days. So it could have been any day and they would have found something that correlates with it. Sure.

Because it's super fucking easy. Because everybody's fucking tacking their fucking holy days onto a calendar. That's something. What's Satanic holy day? April 19th. Why would we do that? I mean, okay, you're going gonna put it up it's creepy why would you put it up on the high holy day of satan pay respect good golly golly good golly he has to say good golly

what a fucking wholesome little fuck i mean i mean this sincerely. Good God almighty. What are we doing? It's really creepy. And that's what Drudge is making fun of me on. You deserve every bit of mockery that Drudge is throwing at you. I hate Drudge and you deserve it. Yeah, when Drudge is like, whoa, you seem crazy. Like you fucked up your life.

Bro, you're a little fucking crazy. Because demons aren't real. I mean, if you want to pay attention at all, what are you doing? I mean, we are slapping God in the face over and over and over again. Well, that's just because God has a face slapping fetish. That's it. Hey, y'all, can you just smack me? I like it right on my beard.

And then he wants you to just ejaculate all over that. Hit me harder. And then slap me again. And if you could choke me a little, I like that too. So you go ahead and do any of those things. Ball torture, I'm into that. You got to worship my balls. You want answers?

I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. So this is great. This is also from Right Wing Watch. This is our friend Jim Baker advising us on some decorative tips. He's on Trading Spaces

these days. Cecil, that's right, Trading Spaces. That's a kickback from about 10 years ago. It is. This is Jim Baker. He's just talking about his buckets, bro. Let's fucking do it. You're taking care of your family. You can stack them in your garage.

You can put them in the basement. You can put them in the basement. You can put them under your bed. Yeah, in your closets. Anywhere that you have space for it. I fucking could not fit one of these buckets under my bed if I fight. Unless I jacked my bed up. It's a huge-ass bucket. I don't care what way you try to slide that bucket in there.

It's a five-gallon paint bucket. You're not going to fit that anywhere. I like that she says, you could put it anywhere you have space for it. No shit. Really? That's how spaces work. You know what? They use Lego to work for everything. It turns out, Cecil, you can put anything in a place where there's room to put the thing.

That's amazing, Tom. You can put a dog in any dog-shaped hole. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Where do I put this? I don't know. Where is the room for it? Right over here.

We'll put it right over there, you stupid fucking monkey. What the fuck is wrong with you? You can put it anywhere. You got room. No shit. Oh, wow. Where do I wear this ring? I don't know.

Pick a fucking finger that doesn't have other rings on it, you goddamn barbarian. Get creative and start stacking these in your home, keeping this food in your home accessible to you and your family. Yeah, fucking that's anything that's in my home is accessible to me. Me and my family. Unless my family doesn't live in my home. Like, what am I going to do? Like, where should I keep these?

In a storage unit offsite? Yeah. Like, I live in Illinois. Should I store my food in Florida? No, asshole. my home like what am i gonna do like where should i keep these in a storage unit off-site yeah like i live in illinois should i store my food in florida no asshole that's really inconvenient especially if you're like fucking waiting counting the seconds to armageddon we would yeah fucking i would crawl into one of these buckets if i thought armageddon was coming are you kidding me where do i put my food in the pantry stupid one of the things we've done around here we stick them under coffee tables and in tables my house looks like fucking garbage my house looks

like a fucking hoarder threw up in here the type of people that decorate their houses with fucking apocalypse food buckets are the type of people who make fucking clothing out of human skin okay those are the same type of people they fucking you come in and they're like here's my collection of human feces and cow eyes and you're like oh i need to go i just want you to pay for the paper that's all right that's it i don't need anything from you i gotta go yeah i don't want to give anything to you dude i've been in some fuck i used to be a closer yeah back in the day like i used to close mortgage loans and i would go to these fucking crazy people's houses and i've been in some fucking crazy houses before sure driving around and there's some shit like you know i walked into a house once that was a hoarder's house

and the dude had a walkway sure yeah mounds it's just mounds right so you had to walk down like kind of sideways and he had little dogs that ran the path. So you're walking through, and he's like, he welcomes you into the house. It's fucking 900 degrees. It smells like dog shit and piss. And he has these little yap dogs that are running the path, right? Running all the way through.

Sweet Jesus Christ. There was a Russian mail-order bride that he had that was a former Russian nurse that rubbed liniment oils on the mortgage broker who attended the closing with me's bare legs. He showed up in shorts. It was during the subprime boom. He showed up in shorts to the closing. She's on her knees in front of him.

Shut the fuck up. Speaking in broken Russian. Shut up. This didn't happen. This is not a thing that happened. It gets better. She's speaking in broken. Okay, so first off, this this is a david lynch

film i saw this one go ahead yeah you're lucky if it's a david lynch film she's she's on her knees in front of him he's got varicose veins his let his veins look like a fucking topographical map of the fucking andes right like it's a fucking horror show she's she's i nurse i nurse i fix i fix and she's lubing up her fucking hands and rubbing him vigorously up the leg down the leg fucking running her hands along these fucking gnarly fucking tree legs and fucking this guy's name is telly and he's standing there like uh what there's little dogs running the fucking gamut of the newspaper maze while the fucking rain man dude is signing the papers and he's standing there like, what? There's little dogs running the fucking gamut of the newspaper maze while the fucking Rain Man dude is signing the papers. And he's like, he's super fucking super weird.

Then they're selling me. They're trying to sell me. Jesus Christ. Then they're trying to sell me. This can't get worse. Mail order lobsters. What? They get a lot.

Do you like lobster? Yes, I like lobster. I got a great deal on lobster. I have a freezer full of lobsters. And he opens it. It takes me to show me. He opens the thing up and there's just frozen lobsters. Not packaged. And it's like a chest freezer.

And it's just full of lobsters? And it's just full of lobsters. What the what the what? I don't know. I don't know the answer. What is happening? Little dog. Fucking newspapers. I fix. I fix.

Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub. All of that. Oh, my God. Is fucking normalized by comparison to showing up to someone's home fucking stacked with apocalypse food buckets. Where they've thrown cloths over them to make them furniture. Oh, wait a minute. Hey, would you like to sit on my food throne? Oh, this is a super comfortable, unyielding bucket of plastic.

Would you like to play ping pong on my food ping pong table? You'll never guess, guys. That bucket you're sitting on in an emergency can act as a bucket. You put it over your head and then suffocate yourself. It's a chair. It's a toilet.

It's a bucket. It's pretty much a bucket. You just stack them head and then suffocate yourself. It's a chair. It's a toilet. It's a bucket. It's pretty much a bucket. You just stack them up and then put a cloth over it. Yeah. Or get a piece of, you know, cardboard or. And then you have an. Cardboard. Then you have a weird cardboard cloth food table.

Yeah. That sounds great. I can't wait to invite the kids over so that one of them runs into my food table. Yeah, that sounds great. I can't wait to invite the kids over so that one of them runs into my food table. Could you imagine fucking banging your shit off of one of these fucking things? Nothing's as classy like a cardboard pumpkin.

Dude, you remember we were young and our first Thanksgiving. I don't, I don't actually. Hold on, let me go back in the Wayback Machine. Okay, I'm there. The first time I had you and your wife over for Thanksgiving, we didn't have a table and chairs. And we sat around a weird big coffee table. Big coffee table. But it was big.

It was a huge coffee table. It was a huge coffee table. We sat around a coffee table on cushions I threw on the floor, and we had Thanksgiving dinner. On the floor, on cushions around a coffee table. coffee i do remember this that is a million times classier a million times classier than sitting around a table that is a bunch of fucking apocalypse food buckets with a hunk of cardboard and then a fucking old sheet absolutely true you could have you know one of those occasions you can invite mr peanut to and it's not the food buckets right a piece of plywood and you make a top and then you just stack this food you could have your whole living room within tables and coffee tables

made out of food buckets yes no yeah as long as you're buffalo bill from silence of the lambs yes you can yes yes you can have everything and you know what the food bucket is actually a person bucket there's a person in there that you have skinned and you're saving the rest for later jesus just do it yeah and then after that year as well to the middle east you'll be sending 600 days of food so that's three years of food for you and 600 days to the Middle East. Just generally to the Middle East? It's weird because I guess they're sending these. I mean, fucking first off, how do you know they're sending it, right?

But they're claiming that what they're doing. I went to the website. They're claiming that for every dollar or whatever you donate, and not donate, but buy a bucket. Buy a bucket of our slop, our fucking freeze-dried slop, and we'll send a bucket of freeze-dried slop to Syria. And they're supposedly sending food bucket for food bucket because they're fucking so overpriced already, he's already fucking making a killing on it.

What difference does it make? I've got a 700% margin. What do I care? Exactly. Now, if you can't do this whole year, over here we have a half a year. So six months, six-month tasty food offer is $300. You basically get two 90-day buckets. You get two 90-day buckets. I don't know how many people that feeds.

I suspect that's one person for six months. But that's $300. Now, if you want to go for the whole year, if you want a basic food supply for a whole year, you would need to buy two of those at $600. Now, you can buy an eight-year food supply, Tom, I think for one person, for $2,500. I'm looking right now at $2,700. I get marinara sauce and pasta. A year for two, Italiano marinara offer. All it is is marinara sauce and pasta.

It's a year's worth, and it's $2,700. That's a lot of money. Dude, pasta's so cheap. Pasta's like the cheapest thing you can buy at the store. But the thing is, all these buckets, all this money, this is just a huge markup for him. He's just making shit tons of money on this. And then he's able to be like, you know, what he's doing is he's covering all his bases. People send a message and be like, man, I live in a tiny little fucking apartment because I'm super poor.

I don't have anywhere to put this. Now he's going to, oh, let me tell you where to put it. You use it as fucking furniture. Here you go. You make fucking food thrones out of it and Sit around and fucking... Sell your furniture and just make fucking baskets of furniture. It's fucking... You got nice fish shoes.

Oh my god, these food baskets. I like these food baskets you got. There's some good food baskets. The year for two Italiano thing has 2,200 servings of the same thing. I would fucking kill myself.

That is killing yourself food right there. That's what that is. You're so fat. All you eat is carbs. The only person, the only people that would think like food buckets are pretty awesome as furniture are like people from Mississippi. Like those people would be like, wow, that's an upgrade. I don't have to squat no more.

If only I could put these inside a house. Do they got food roofs? So we, of course, want to thank all our patrons. We really do appreciate everybody who's a patron to the show. It's a huge relief that we have a place to record based on the generosity of our listeners,

a place for Tom and I to come. Glory Hole Studios would not exist without our patrons, and we truly do appreciate every dime you guys give us you guys are amazing we do want to mention uh all the uh new patrons that came on so we want to thank ben dean dazabu christopher robert harrison ocd's nuts that's great steven nathaniel dean jordan and jessamine peter lisa alan william justin matthew m a joe 208 rasmus beth larry damon brandy i man this is going to be hard. I'm going to try it. Oggen. Oggen.

Man, buy a vowel. Tara. Jonas. John. Steven. Michael. Logan. Shane.

Don. John. Elizabeth. Now, this is another one. Dee Schnutz. That's great. Again. Again, two in the same week. Justin Logan, Jacob, Trev, and Griselda. Griselda. That name is fucking badass. That is a badass name. That's a fucking straight fighting name. Thank you all so very much for your generous donations. We did get some PayPal donations too. We did. So we got a PayPal donation from Christopher.

Christopher, very generous PayPal donation. Thank you so much. We're grateful for your support. So we got a message from Dan, and Dan was talking about how we were talking about a couple, I want to say it was two episodes, Tom. You were talking about how we need to put guns on everything and more guns solves the problem. Yes.

We talk about that all the time. And he says, I wonder why you never hear them use the same reasoning for terrorism. Only way to stop a bad suicide bomber is with a good suicide bomber. I love that. See, that's why nobody ever shoots at any military forces because they've got guns. Right, right. Wait a minute. We got a message from Robert and Robert sent us an image for Barry Obama. And he said, it's obviously a Blackberry. That's great. So, uh, so check out this week's show notes. This is episode two 89 and you could see a Blackberry Obama. We got a great Ted Cruz meme. It's the best one. This is awesome. Someone face swapped Kevin from the office with

Ted Cruz. And I, I can't even tell. I will tell you, I fucking, I, I, I just fucking try to tell the difference. Honestly, you cannot tell the difference we got another message this one's from sarah sarah sent us in uh an image of uh ted cruz naked and uh and i think this is pretty accurate actually anatomically accurate and it is also safe for work we got a message from kevin and kevin says thanks for introducing me so many of us to hate beak the biggest difference between this and every other death metal band i've heard is i can understand the lyrics of hate that's terrific i love that shit so tom we got a message from sarah and sarah

had had her mom listen to the sarah palin episode i don't understand who lets their mom listen to this show and so there's some texts from mom here, basically about the Sarah Palin show. Can I read it? Yeah, go ahead. Can I read it? Here's the text exchange. This is great.

This is the kind of exchange I want someday to have with my kids, where I'm just fucking clueless about the world and exposed to the sexual horrors, horrors that are the modern day these guys have way too much fun they have a studio it's called glory hole studios do you know what that is no i am afraid a hole located in a partition in which one's penis is inserted thus separating the participants and ensuring anonymity throughout the act of copulation or fellatio or possibly a titty wank.

In higher class establishments, this hole will be fabricated with duct tape to prevent genital chaffing. What the hell? Why would someone choose to do this? Is it religious? Yes, it is.

That is just perfect. That's terrific. It may not be religious, but there's a lot of people screaming, oh, Jesus. That's all I'm saying. So we got a message from a couple people. One from Adam Rieks from The Herd Mentality. There's someone that they're trying to help out via Kickstarter, a person, or it's a GoFundMe where someone needs some help. Check out Adam's page if you want to check out how to help the person that Adam is trying to help.

But we wanted to talk a little bit about GoFundMes in general. We got a couple of requests this week. We just worked with a charity called Modest Needs, and I want to talk about that. But Tom, you want to talk about GoFundMes in general. Yeah, so we get requests for private donations, and we get, I just want to be really honest here, like we get so many of these. We get several every week, and we just, and this is without opening it up. In the initial stages, we got a few GoFundMes and similar sort of requests for donations from some of our listeners, and we did make an effort to try to promote these. And what happened is it opened to the floodgates for these. And we would get more requests than

we could realistically even process or work through. And our problem is that when we come to you as a show, as a voice, and we ask you as our listeners to do something, we've done some work ahead of time to vet these charities. And we're not saying that these GoFundMes aren't legitimate and good and honest ways to get money. But we really do have a sense of responsibility around the money that we raise and the money that we donate. And we try to only come to our listeners a handful of times a year and say, look, here's something that's important to Cecil and it's important to me.

And we'd really like to get you guys on board with it. And every time we do, you guys rally. And we've been able to raise a ton of money and really do some really good things. But in order for us to come to you and do that, we have to do the back-end work and vet these things in order for us to feel good about where that money goes. And we just can't support or vet or look into or research

all of the individualized requests that we get throughout the course of a week or a month or a year. And I'm afraid, honestly, that if we open it up and say, hey, go support this one and that one, then we're just going to get dozens of requests. And we know this because it's happened. Yeah, it's happened in the past. It's happened in the past. So it's not an unfounded fear. Yeah. So we really do try to be careful about when we ask you guys to engage with us as an audience and say, hey, this is important. Let's really get on board and do something collectively. So what I think we'd like you guys to do is if you have

something, use our platform. You can't use our voice. So use our Facebook page. Post to our Facebook page. Anybody can go to our Facebook page. Look up Cognitive Distance Podcast on our Facebook page. You can post there. You can tag us in Twitter. Whatever you need to do to connect with our audience, we're okay with that. Cecil and I are okay with that. We just can't be the ones saying, hey, this is something you guys should all support because you just can't vet them all. That's right. And I will urge anybody who's in dire straits, go to Modest Needs, tell them what bill you want to pay, and they will, if they will vet it, and they will put you up there. And if you get on Modest Needs,

again, use us, try to use the Facebook page and other ways to reach out to listeners and things like that to make sure that you get people to pay attention to this. Modest Needs is a great way for people to, you know, that you're not sent, if you try out for Modest needs is a great way for people to... If you try out for modest needs and let's say you have something that I have to pay for my car at the end of the month, they will contact the people, say,

okay, they know you're behind on the car, okay, fine, and then they'll put your thing up there so they know. The money never gets in your hands. The money doesn't go to you and go to someone else else the money just goes directly to your yeah you're the company that that you need to pay so if you have something like that and you are in dire straits my suggestion is reach out to this company or this just reach out to this charity because they will be able to help you they will be able to put your and it's not just you know our audience is

tiny compared to the people that'll come to Modest Needs every day. It's bigger than us. It's a better platform for this. Yeah, and it's purpose-made for this. Go fund me. There's a ton of things that you could do, a ton of people that can, you know, that's one of those places where people don't browse. They get links to. This is a place where people are going to browse and find you and maybe give you a hand.

So I would suggest going there, modestneeds.org. We got an Alex Jones call to prayer, Tom. Let's listen. Allah, Allah, Allah. It's not of this world. I don't know exactly what it is or what it's doing, but this is not human intelligence, okay? It's not human intelligence.

I love that guy so much. Outstanding. That's standing. That's great. There's a magic card from Mississippi. We got it from a bunch of people. It's pretty great. It's a legendary land state. Tap it.

Destroy all progress made in the last 32 years. So fucking true. That's great. That's awesome. We got a message from the Napkin Pope, and the Napkin Pope says, if you can arrange it, I will straight up cage fight Pope Frankie, and I will break him in half. I would decapitate him and gain his power, but I would also gain his memories, and I don't need all that child rape in my head.

Oh, God. Oh, come on. He just covered up the child rape. That's legitimate. That's legitimate. So this last Sunday, we were on a show, and I think it's going to air. It's aired already, so you need to go to the website to listen to it. We're going to probably post this Friday, I think, when it releases.

The show's called Inciting Incident. We were on with Heather and Al, and we had a great time. They just interviewed us. They were good people. And so give their show a listen. We were on a full episode of theirs, and we had a great time kidding around the whole time. They were very funny, and they were really gracious people. So if you get a chance, give their podcast a listen.

So, Tom, we're going to leave people like we normally do on our fifth anniversary episode. Five years. I didn't even think this friendship would last five years. I know. Jesus Christ. Actually, is there any way we can take a year off? Lasted longer than my marriage. Alright, with that, we're going to leave you with the Skeptic's Creed.

You put out about as often. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms atlantis dolphins truthers birthers

witches wizards vaccine nuts shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only.

Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local Dairy Council. Outro Music you