Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 292: Ted Cruz Pulls Out

Episode Date: May 9, 2016

     

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey guys, this is Alex Jones. I wanted to tell you that you're doing great work in the InfoWar. You are true patriots. I wanted to share with you what the globalists and high-level Satanists are up to. This is from the Drudge Report. The UN planned to install glory holes in all public restrooms.

UN plan to install glory holes in all public restrooms. The TSA is said to be the agency monitoring all public restrooms in the United States to ensure the safe usage of all glory holes. Folks, it's coming down to the wire. The elite are leaving the country, and the globalists are going to implement their new world order of glory holes on American citizens. It's time to wake up. It's time to wake up. It's time to fight. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended.

The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago. I'm out. The topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. There's still no welcome mat. It's in my car. It's still in your car. It's in my car. I was saying that.

It's downstairs. I mean, it's right downstairs. No, no, no. Say no more. Say no more. But I'm not going to get it. Say no more. Yeah, we needed it. It's down a flight.

We needed a cart for you to move it out of the old place. Brother, when you say it's downstairs, it's down elevator. That's what it's really down. It's down elevator. And I hear you. I hear you. I wouldn't go down there and get it either. Don't worry about it.

It's fine. So I was traveling this last week, right? Two weeks in a row I was traveling. I was busy. And I'm on the road posting the show. And I wanted to get it to patrons as soon as I finished it. So I got it to patrons as soon as i finished it you know so i got it to patrons on friday and i noticed that and then uh i posted it to everyone a couple of different

places you know just like but i i i set up the date and i was like what day is monday and in a haze kind of looked it turns out the day for monday was not sunday yeah and then i posted it sunday everybody got a free free day it's like you know what it's like what is it like that's like everybody got upgraded to first class for a day everybody became a patron for a day for a whole day for a whole day you got it's like it's like when like costco lets you be like bring a friend you know like you don't have to be a man you can buy six pounds of bacon so like if you i gotta ask though the costco thing like when you go to costco i remember my wife and i'll go through one of those cartons of of egg whites a week you know like we use we use egg whites when we cook and stuff and i'll go through one of those things

when you go to costco it's it's a brick of those things it's it's amazing protein bro it's amazing we had a costco membership for one year and then we realized that was the stupidest thing we could own the only reason you go to costco is just to walk around and eat samples yeah is that it yeah i don't even i go and i tell them i'm thinking about becoming a member i walk around i eat samples that's you know date night it's pretty good so you swiped right a few times it's like hey it's like hey babe hey baby let me take you to costco we'll eat before we leave i'm gonna buy this 55 gallon drama ky we'll eat some bratwurst little toothpicks we'll both have gas and go back to my place. Bloated and uncomfortable.

Where I'll thrust twice and fall asleep. And the worst part is she's trapped till morning. She can't move you once you fall asleep. That takes three days to roll the rock away. Once you fall asleep. That takes three days to roll the rock away. She's calling it sick to work in the morning. I'm trapped under this enormous bed. She's frantically reaching for her phone. I can't breathe.

I can't sleep. If you're going to keep talking, I'm going to strangle you. I didn't take you up to a nice dinner at Costco for all these complaints. This is bullshit. I mean, they got TVs and shit there. It's dinner and a movie. I mean, if the gays want to go out and do their gay sex, that's one thing. But if they want to force you to accept it and and solemnify it by marriage, then that's a different matter.

So this story comes from Right Wing Watch. Our friend Gordon Klingenschmitt. Remember, this is an elected official gays will demand to have sex in your guest bedroom there is a spirit of persecution he likes that spirit of crap that he says all the time he does he's also a discernment guy like he's like oh you got to get some discernment like that's not something that could happen like he's like the spirit of it's like it's like you're talking to a Native American and he's telling you what's in your toaster. It's like, no, that's electricity. It's a fucking earth, wind, fire, isomany.

It's just a comment. Yeah, it's fine. I plugged it in. Admittedly, they do use earth, wind and fire. So this is like a funk band pops out. I plugged it in. Admittedly, they do use earth, wind, and fire. This is like a funk band pop sound. Which is coming out of this homosexual movement. And it's not enough that they get weddings in their own private churches. They want to come to your church.

They don't want to come to my church. They come to Glory Hole Studios. They get married here. They get married here. Gary can marry them. Dude, nothing would make me laugh more than to have a gay wedding in glory hole studios that would be fucking hilarious i i think one person mildly depressed i think one person has to stand on each side of the partition

i do i do i do i do i do someone's kneeling down singing ave maria they want to come to your business they might even come to your home if you are a uh bed and breakfast owner well you're a business owner then that's not your home anymore it's your place of business you asshole it's like this place there's a place of business come to my home the fuck they could come to my home if your home is a storefront okay uh what they can come to your home if it's a restaurant yeah no shit dude the fuck i'll come right into your home and demand to have sex in your guest bedroom no they will not do that nobody is doing that nobody's doing nobody has sex in my guest bedroom. The worst part is before gays could do this, all the straight people used to come over and demand to have sex.

Because that's how a bed and breakfast works. First of all, a bed and breakfast is the least sexy place to fuck in the world. In the world. It's like fucking a grandma's house. I will say this, though. I can't wait until I'm in my mid-70s and banging my wife in bed and breakfast all over the world. That's going to be amazing. Because we're going to be loud as shit.

We're going to be loud as shit and be like, oh, I threw my back out again! Oh, God! It's going to be the best. I can't wait. Have you ever stayed in one of those things? No, I don't want to stay in someone else's creepy, weird house. It's like sleeping at the Cracker Barrel grandma lived at the cracker do you remember that that sign that i found in a cracker barrel where it was the shape of a whale and it said whale come

whale come i love it whale come we should get one of those studios whale come that's awesome you didn't prove that ahead of time you didn't think you know what somebody's gonna have whale come on their wall i don't think anybody wants whale come on their wall i feel like everything that you before you post anything before you would burn anything before you fucking you gotta get a teenager i know right you gotta call call a fucking 16 year old exactly can you tell me if this is approved or not and they'll look at me like bro it's fucking whale cum no it's not approved yeah i've never been have you been to a bed i stayed at a bed and breakfast once what where in michigan okay and like uh saga tuck or whatever

that's supposed to be the thing but like saga tuck is like it's all you know little fucking tchotchke shops full of garbage assholes by and like were you by yourself well i was with my ex-wife so yes well no wonder why it sucks and again it was the least sexy thing i've ever done there's like a there's like a 70 year old going for twosomes in the next room and you're just like yeah i didn't even get one something he's like fine i'll run a movie you're going to sleep i'm gonna watch porn on my phone oh so you stayed in saga talk we yeah so but yeah it's like it's honestly it's like it's like it's like grandma's house it's like there's fucking doilies everywhere and like little needlepoint

shit that says like welcome to my home and like it i mean like i'd still fuck at grandma's house but it's like sure as long as grandma's not there right it's just it's just not hot you're just like i'm not saying no did they give you breakfast well i don't get up in time for breakfast did they give you second breakfast it wasn't a hobbit home we didn't stay in the shire motherfucker it was saga time right you could you could you couldn't reach the door handles here. I understand. And there's nothing you can do, they say, to deny them service because they have a right to violate your freedom. They have a right to violate my – they're not coming in and fucking me. And they're like –

And the other thing too is like – Gays here. We'd like to fuck in your guest bedroom. Wait a minute. Hold on a minute. Let me get the door. No, we're gay. get the door no we're gay get the door right now we're violating your freedom no one's doing that what i love is that

is that that if you run a business and you say you can sleep in my house do like when you when you signed up for this it didn't say like you can't fucking come on the sheets or anything did it it didn't say i hope not must again good porn on your phone no but it's like a sprinkler no but like whenever i stay at a hotel it's not like i'm not gonna fuck here like sure if you're gonna fuck you're gonna fuck what he wants is for you to be able to walk in rent to somebody or like you know whatever it is you know like sell your room for one night to somebody and then make decisions about their sex life based on that or choose not to rent to them or they come in i think what he's also saying is like i own a bed and breakfast and you're like a homosexual couple's like yeah we'd like to book your room and you could be like no i mean we

don't serve negroes at the lunch counter sure right yeah and that's. And that's, I mean, that's the analogy, right? Yeah. Like, no, I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to turn down this business. That's not how we do things anymore because we're not awful people. And, you know, there's some places in the United States where you totally can do that. Yeah. Like, you totally can. Yeah.

But he's mad that it's not all the places. I want to say it's like 13 places or something, 13 states. 13 states, yeah. Where you can say, sorry, we don't want you here. And you don't have to serve them and that's just the way it is. And it's a sad state of affairs that there's that many. But there's still some bastions of homophobia in this country. Right.

Well, their rights end at the tip of your conscience. At the tip of your what? That's not what I thought he was going to say. What now? No, they don't. But that's the thing. They're not rights anymore, right? If I get to dictate your rights, then they're not your rights anymore.

They're privileges I extend you when it's convenient for me. Well, that's not a right. Right. Because if it was a right, then anyone would be able to have sex in that room. Exactly. It's kind of like if I have a right to swing my fist, right, it ends at the tip of your nose. Because noses are physical things. Sure. Conscience is like, oh, you don't punch my aura, right?

Like, fuck you. Fuck you, you fuck. I can't punch you in the nose because your rights begin where my rights end. Fuck you, you fuck. I can't punch you in the nose because your rights begin where my rights end. Well, if there are conflicting rights, I say that the Christians ought to have equal rights. No, you don't. You say if they're conflicting rights, you're saying the Christians' rights are more gooder than your rights. More important.

Right, exactly. Mine are more much. That's what mine are. What are you talking about? Fuck off. And their argument has always been about equal rights, equal rights for homosexuals. What about equal rights for Christians? Well, you do.

You fuck your wife wherever you want. Everybody can fuck it. Here's the thing. Everybody can fuck in my guest room. What about our right to not participate in their sin? Don't we have a conscience? Nobody's asking you to. First off, no one would want to fuck you.

Jesus Christ, have you seen you? He couldn't sustain it. Good lord. you know fucking nobody's asking you to first off no one would want to fuck you jesus christ have you seen you he couldn't sustain it like this is like there's more people lining up to fuck me than to fuck you it's fucking crazy don't we have the freedom can't we say no yes you could say no to all the gay sex you want it's i'm saying no to all the gay sex right now they're using the government sword to force us to comply. And they're saying, no, we not only have to say yes, but we have to be happy about it or we'll be fined. You don't know better what you do. Nobody can make you be happy about something.

Ask my ex-wife. There used to be this sign and it was a sign made by the government. And I'm sure I think I mentioned this on the show or on the preview on everyone's a critic i mentioned this but it was by the post office and there was a no parking sign and above it it said don't even think of parking here and i thought well how do you enforce that okay i'm walking by thinking of parking there right now it's the same thing here like my thoughts take my thoughts. You can't enforce that. What are you talking about? Mine eyes have seen the glory hole whilst coming with the Lord.

And he's rubbing out a vintage since his girth is quite engorged. He hath loosed his seat, an immaculate stream from his terrible stithsort. His truth is just BS. Glory, glory, glory, ho. Glory, glory, glory, ho. Glory, glory, glory, ho. His truth is just BS. The picture.

The picture of the beast. Let's go to the Daily Beast. There's actually two stories that dovetail in with each other. Oh, you Daily Beast people. You're so mean. The Vatican put a convicted rapist back in parish. And the next story we're going to cover, incidentally, in case you're wondering, hey, maybe you guys are just making the low-hanging fruit. Maybe it's just a one-off.

Maybe it's just a one-off. Maybe it's just a one-off. Yeah, a one-off. Yeah, he got off real quick and then went to the next one. Because the very next story is from the Raw story. San Diego priest who pleaded guilty to sexual battery finds a new home at Oklahoma Parish. Remember how we've talked about this a hundred times? And remember how the solution is always stop doing that. Oh, God. And this guy, the first one. Let's talk about the daily beast article all right i'm gonna read a little quote um the daily beast

article is actually very well written i gotta admit um and i really liked i i think you know it's clearly an editorial slant so is the raw story so understand that before you get in on it but there i think they're both really i think i think specifically the daily beast article is well written but um i'm gonna read a tiny little portion says after being charged with the abuse which included rape and forcing at least one other girl to perform fellatio on him he fled home to india and you know the thing is is it's not really rape in india until you have like four that's the quorum that's a quorum i think for rape the first three are practice and just and just rape in one person's like four play in india oh my god so oh my god

you're a monster no i'm not gang raping people yeah okay so you got one guy who's raping right well he so he's he's raping kids super raping yeah he gets extradited to minnesota he admits he enters a plea bargain. I mean, this is a guy who fucking – it's not like, well, maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt. Like, no fucking dude is like, I got caught raping little girls. I guess I'm going to have to leave the country. Sure. Then get extradited back.

Then fucking admit to it. And then he gets suspended from the priesthood for how long? How long? Well, it's – I'm going to read again from the article. It says, apparently, his rap sheet is not enough to kick him out of the priesthood for good. But in February, the Vatican approved lifting his suspension from priesthood and agreed he could be reassigned to a new parish in India. That parish even made him the diocesan head of its commission for education. What the fuck and you know the best part of this article is the very first line what does the vatican not get about predator priest

what does a priest have to do to get kicked out of this church right what do you have to do i mean like i think you have to choke fuck a five-year-old i think that's i think that would still be okay. I think they'd be like, hey, all right. The choking was a little out of the country. Maybe slap him around a little, but you don't have to choke him. Are you fucking kidding me? It's like there's nothing. And then they suspended him from the priesthood.

They suspended him from the priesthood? Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? He's a fucking child rapist. You suspend people from all of the things forever that's what you do and then you put them in jail and then they die they're miserable and unhappy it was there is no other option it wasn't long ago that you said you know it's not hard to have a zero talents policy on child fucking or just rape in general right just just sexual assault in general because this next story is about a guy grabbing a bag of sand at a certain point he just reaches over and grabs

some girl's tit right now she's 18 was 19 or something i don't remember i have to take a look 19 year old woman and uh and again from this article it says uh this uh jose alexis davilia was convicted of inappropriately touching a 19-year-old woman in San Diego in 2011. Like most priests who have been caught or convicted of sex acts, Davilia went to another church, just like this guy did. Shocker. The other guy did. Probably gave that girl the shocker. The problem, however,

is that no one church was told about his crimes. That's like the worst door number two ever. You know what I mean? You'd rather have the goat at that point. You know what I mean? You'd rather have the goat at that point. You know what I mean? He might be interested in the goat. You never know.

He's giving the goat the shot. He's giving it the spocker. You know what I mean? Maybe he's from around here. He got the girl. He got the goat. I can't get a goddamn reservation. Really, to be honest, though, this is – I mean it's appalling that your system is not to kick these people out but instead just shuffle them around like a shell game.

And keep them in leadership positions. Yeah. It's not like – And it is like a shell game because you can't win. Right? Yeah. You're not going to win as a parishioner there. Right.

And everything inside is soft and squishy. Especially a vulnerable one. It's a clam one. It's a clamp game. It's terrible. It's terrible. You're a monster. You're a monster.

I'm a very nice person. You're a terrible person for listening to me. I just, I can't believe and and it probably was a lot easier i'm just gonna say it flat out was easier back before the internet back before you could search these people back before you could figure out who these people were it was probably a lot easier because maybe you don't have a fucking cousin in cincinnati that priest. And you, you know, oh my gosh, the priest raped my kid. Oh, is it fucking Father Jones from fucking Illinois? Holy shit.

My kid's at fucking CCD with him right now. You know, back in the day, like that's the only way that you would be able to like get that kind of information. That sort of shit wouldn't be available. You'd have to be like scrubbing other cities, microfiche on a fucking like, you know what I mean? Like how do you even get that information right but now super easy yeah well you can't lose the paperwork right because now it's all electronic it's like i lost the fucking paperwork and and then they're reporting on it more nowadays than they used to and so now it's even more egregious because now it's even harder for them to hide.

And then they get caught and they still don't fucking stop hiding it. It's like it's like getting it's like Pee Wee Herman getting caught masturbating in a fucking porn theater and then continuing to masturbate in the police car. It's like I'm not done. I didn't finish. Yeah. No, I'm just going gonna close my eyes and think of something and then and then somebody gives him a job at the porn theater next door to the first exactly you know we i know we've talked about this but what kills me is that this isn't even

a hard problem to solve this is the easiest problem from a management perspective if somebody comes yeah no this is not this is fucking management one management oh nine six yeah like this is some fucking remedial shit it's like it's not like somebody's like well i don't you know i don't know what to do we're in a hiring freeze but our people are working too hard it's like hey man joe's raping kids like wait wait hold on hold on it's almost like i didn't hear man, Joe's raping kids. Wait, wait, hold on. It's almost like I didn't hear you. Joe's raping kids. OK, no more coffee.

Order paper. I don't know. I think you even have some schools that are teaching the homosexual lifestyle, how to be homosexual or some sort of class that they're teaching that we're paying for. This story is so fucked up. It's from the Raw story. It doesn't even make any sense. I love this story. It doesn't make any sense.

Church Militant, great picture, by the way, so it looks like he's got fucking Red Bull wings. Church Militant claims God gave his mother cancer so that he would stop being gay. So this fucking asshole posted a video in which he thanks God for giving his mother stomach cancer and dying. Not just cancer,

but like the most painful cancer. It's the one you wouldn't pick out of the bag. It's like you're feeling around the scrabble tiles trying to figure out, is that an A? Is that a B? Is that stomach cancer? It's the one you put back in the pile when you're doing Yankee Swap for Christmas.

Like, no, I don't want the stomach cancer. No, no, no. No. No. I want to read a little part of this as well. As a last resort, she prayed. Now, this is the guy saying this. The guy is saying this to his followers. The guy is saying this to his followers. As a last resort, she prayed to be given whatever suffering so that I would be granted sufficient grace to revert.

And shortly after her prayers, she received an early diagnosis of stomach cancer, which killed her a few years later. It was while watching his mother suffer through her last year of life that Voris began to change his life. But it was her death that made the miracle happen the miracle of getting a boner with chicks so like that's the miracle that's i mean honestly that's hold on a minute that's his miracle his miracle is his dick gets hard around women instead of men it takes god god's like well let's see i made you so you get all fucking hot and bothered around the men folk but all right i guess i'll kill your mommy well here's the thing i'm gonna kill your maul kill your mommy and then you'll get hard when you look at girls okay that's a trade well and the thing is is like you know god first makes you gay like you said right so god makes you gay, like you said, right? So God makes you gay. And you want to be straight, so you pray that you're –

So that you pray to revert. And God decides that the way to do this is to give your mom cancer. It's the worst meeting. So now let's just say, like, you're fucking – you're a dad and you're thinking, man, I really want my kid to remain a virgin until they're 18 what do they like seal you in a wall with a cask of el monte auto like what the fuck happens what what other shitty stuff do i have to trade for things to happen in my life god is like a twilight zone narrator you know he is like fucking rod surly it's like it's like oh man i i really don't want to be gay. Well, what would you give for a Klondike bar?

And you're like, I don't know. It's that weird, it's like the box. Because you're getting a vagina, right? No, the problem is you have the box, but you're like, eh. Is there a dick in the box? No, sorry. And then you open it a box of it. Is there a dick in the box? No, sorry. And then you open it up. It's like cancer.

Whoa. The whammy comes out. Goes right in your mom's esophagus. And mom's just like, wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I mean, hold on a second. Hold on. When I said suffering, I meant like, you know, like my car insurance.

Or like I was going to have to do the Hail Mary twice or something. Not stomach cancer. Cancer. I mean, like, I mean, like, stop fucking dudes. I hate stomach cancer so much. They had to cut my esophagus out. Now they just throw food at me from across the room and hit my stomach. You got Roger Ebert.

He has a jaw. You have a flip-top head at that point. All because you won't stop sucking dick. You selfish little prick. Jesus Christ. Look at me. I hope you swallow. Because I can't. You shameless little shit.

That's so wrong. God, that's so fucking wrong. That's amazing. I God, that's so fucking wrong. That's amazing. I can't stop crying. It's like one of those tracheotomies that you're playing bozo buckets with chicken nuggets. And again, I'm not saying that homosexuality and dealing crack are the same things. I'm just using that as an analogy, as a parallel. This is behavior.

You say, look, I can't support that. I can't endorse that. I don't want to send some kind of a message that I think this is fine and appropriate kind of conduct. So, no, I'm not going to be able to come to the grand opening of your crack house. All right. We got Todd Starnes. See, so this is from Right Wing Watch. And this is great because this is Todd Starnes

and it's the One Million Moms who are, as yet, still short nearly one million of those moms. What I like about this is it's only a minute long. So here's Todd Starnes. Doris Roberts died this week. The mom on Everybody Loves Raymond, Marie Barone.

I've been watching that show on Netflix along with many other oldies but goodies. Shows like the Beverly Hillbillies and the Andy Griffith Show. Does everyone love Raymond oldies? I don't know, but who cares what you watch on Netflix? I suspect many of you are like me. You've stopped watching the major networks because of all that racy content. racy content yeah you caught me time you're right you're right man simpatico bro that's super racy

yeah man i don't even i don't even watch fucking i don't even watch fucking Wheel of Fortune anymore. When I'm streaming porn on YouTube. Instead of entertainment, it seems like they're pushing an agenda. Television programs like Nashville and Glee, and most recently, Once Upon a Time. I've never seen any of those shows. Yeah, I don't even know what they are. I can't even imagine watching one of these shows. I think Glee is like a musical musical so i'd never watch it they they just sing songs and shit and i would never

watch that that sounds horrifying i can't it sounds so bad as to kill yourself after every viewing the set of life circumstances that would have to befall me for me to sit and watch glee yeah i i don't i i can't even imagine it i can't i mean i feel it i would have to befall me for me to sit and watch Glee. Yeah. I can't even imagine it. Yeah, I can't. I would have to be in some fucking North Korean prison camp. Oh, my God, guys. Glee is amazing. You're really missing out on Glee.

And don't get me started on Nashville. I received dozens of notes from moms and dads upset over an episode recently that included a passionate lesbian kiss between two of the characters. I'm suddenly much more interested. What show is this again? I'm going to go ahead and Google that. ABC Disney celebrated the controversial scene, calling it true loves kiss. But many parents felt otherwise, and many were left having to explain things they should not have to explain to their kids like what like what like what they oh look at those two people

kissed mom what are they doing oh they're kissing oh uh cupcakes like it's not hard to explain have you never seen people kiss before easiest It's the easiest thing ever. Right. No, they must love each other. Huh. Wow. That seemed like it would be more difficult. Yeah. You know, the only way, and you said this before, the only way to do it is to try to paint homosexuality as bad. And in order to do that, you've got to trick your kids. Like you said, you said you had to trick your kids.

And so that's why it's hard. That's why it's difficult. Because now you've got to make some shit up. Or you've got to quote quote some old book and then you've got to convince them this old book is right. Yeah. It's easy in our direction, right? It's easy in the direction of acceptance, right? The direction of acceptance is super – there's nothing complicated about it. Like, man, I don't see a lot of girls kiss each other.

Well, they don't do it as often as boys and girls kiss each other, but sometimes girls kiss each other. Oh. Oh. Yeah, I mean, if you go... And then it's like, let's get pie. There's nothing left. And, son, if you go to a co-ed party, it happens a lot more often than you would think. Sometimes they'll do it just for attention. It's okay.

Egg them on. So the story comes to the raw story. Alabama preacher says sex is the biggest reason for homelessness, abuse, and it lowers your IQ. Oh, God. Thank God this guy isn't involved in any of that because your IQ could not be lower than this guy's IQ. Right. Let me play this. He must get laid on the daily.

Let me play this for you. This is if Hillbilly God had a cousin, it's this guy. Your daddy can get you a jackknife when you go fishing and stuff like that, all right? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Slow it down. Sorry, sorry. Let's rewind. Slow that down.

Let's rewind. Let's rewind one more time. What did you just say? Hold on. No, let's just listen to it one more time. Is this for real? It is. Your daddy can get you a jackknife when you go fishing and stuff like that, all right?

So I just wanted to make sure that that's understood. Hey, daddy, I'm going to get you a jacked up when you go fishing. Make sure that's all right when you go have a stew. What? What? What are you talking about? He's the guy from that. Louie's got a country kitchen.

Exactly. He's like, it's Justin Wilson. Got a little wine, a little for me, a little for you. I guarantee. All that good, all that. You got to get a fucking translator. Okay. All right.

Let me say now, talking about the marriage between a man and a woman, that's what the Bible says. All right. All right. He's going to stop like mid-sentence and wrestle an alligator. Dude, that's one thought down. He's just like, got that one out of there. All right. I need more lard.

All right. Got my one thinking thought out. My brain don't feel so cloudy. That's what the Bible says. Okay. Here's the way that I'm going to say that kind of the way I see this too. Oh, good. Here, how do you see it, you fucking drunken hillbilly?

You piece of fucking human garbage. He's in a shack. This man is talking. He's on a pier somewhere. This guy is the human equivalent of a strip mall. He's fucking useless. It's exactly like the preacher said. The Bible says that, and that is right.

But now this, I will say this about that. I will say this about that, and later I'll say that about this. Beep, beep, bolly, beep, dolly, do. Nothing you say means anything to me. If two men live together over yonder.

Over yonder? Round about them hill parts? Oh, God. You know, it's rare that I get a yonder in a sentence. And I just, I love it. It's just, it's fucking amazing. You don't get enough yonders. I don't get them.

You just don't. You just don't. And it's nice to have a yonder once in a while. Or a weonder. And they want to give, leave, everything they got to the other ones. They just say that. As they say, hypothetically speaking. I don't have any idea what that was.

And they want to give. What did they say? What was that? I think was that i think he's have a stroke i think he says if they want to give everything they have to that person they can now he didn't say that but that's what are you fucking kidding he said that i wish i was but i think that's what he means i gotta ask a question i'm gonna put a knife through your fucking head i know the australians have bogans right and that's what he means. I got to ask a question. I'm going to put a knife through your fucking head. I know the Australians have bogans, right? And this guy would be like our bogan, right?

He's like a total fucking hillbilly, right? Like complete hillbilly, backwards dumb fuck, right? Right, yeah. He's a fucking tire fire of a person. What do you have in the UK? Is that like you're Irish? Is that? I don't know. I'm kidding. I don't know.'m kidding i don't know i like the irish actually um like the welsh what do you what is it i don't even know insult this man i don't know what it is i don't know i'm

curious though to be honest i am very curious in the uk what would your like your garbage people but i think i think i know i think i know and i think it's a chav but i think that that's more urban that's not like a hill person like a do they still have hill people do they have they have a lot of hills well i know but i mean it's a tiny fucking island isn't there people on all the parts at this point yeah like it's it's you've got enough you got islands the size of a fucking on the risk board you got like 21 armies there it's a lot of a fucking postage stamp. On the risk board, you've got like 21 armies there. It's a lot of armies. And I wonder if all cultures have a person like this. I wonder if there's, like, you know, as you work your way across,

you know, in China they have this. In Russia they have this. In Japan. In Papua New Guinea. Like, there's a bunch of dudes with fucking twigs on their dicks running around. They're like, we don't want to be with that guy. That guy's weird. That guy.

He's not sophisticated. That guy reminds me of Justin Wilson. They say they want to leave what they've got, everything they've got, stuff to that fellow there that they're living with. Okay. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong. But now, when they draw that up, let's not put marriage on that. Marriage is between a man and a woman.

It was that way so that the parents could explain later on when the children got a little where children come from. You know how young they are, where the babies come from. You can still explain it. It doesn't prevent you from explaining it the answer doesn't change at all where the babies come from sorry son i'm gay i don't know also what so the one of the major reasons why they do it isn't for fucking estate rights i know it's not for state rights dumb fuck it's for fucking rights while people are still alive and sick that's one of the major

things right not being able to see your dying spouse or loved one in the hospital. Yeah, but there's a host of reasons why you do it. Sure, there's a lot more reasons than that. They could explain that. Marriage, that's what that was for. So they would be together with one another and share everything. Okay, now if it's two men living together, they want to leave everything they got to the other one, they could call it

a merged partner. They could have an emerged partner. I don't understand what you're saying. An emerged partner? I don't know what an emerged partner is. His face? An emerged partner is when the alien bursts through your stomach. Is that an emerged partner? An emerged partner? An emerged partner?

What is that? What is his face doing? How does it do that? No, you don't want to see what his face is doing. Instead of marriage, call it emerged partner. As long... Instead of a marriage, call it emerged partner. What are you saying, dude?

Because he says marriage, and then he says very distinctly a merge partner don't say that the fuck is he saying as you don't mention six no one knows anything about it they may just let me tell you this i had an uncle one time that moved in with a a, an older fellow one time, because he didn't have no place to stay at the time. They were not, as you say, gay or nothing like that. My uncle wasn't.

And the old man moved in with me. And I'm no two-year-old woman anyway. These folks that share a dorm or something in college, that don't mean anything unless you say I'm homosexual. Nobody thinks that roommates are all gay. That's the problem I see right there. Sex has never been ordained by God. Sex has never been ordained by God?

What the fuck? We're all sinning? Jesus, you live in the worst type of imaginary world. It sounds like, why do I have so many nerve endings there? It'd be like saying, you know what? Don't eat food you like. Don't eat your food you like. It's eggnog or nothing for you, motherfucker.

It's eggnog and kale. You have to scoop it up with the kale and pour it in your mouth. In fact, it was the first sin, Adam and Eve and the serpent. And you see what happened to the serpent. No, what happened to the serpent? The serpent went up somebody's booboo. But like I say, sex is the problem. Sex is the problem.

If you don't mention sex, two men or two women can live together, share a place, have a place, and one can leave everything she got. Otherwise, they'll have a merged partner, they call it. They'll have all the rights. Like, you know, married people, they call it marriage between a man and a woman.

They'll have all the same things. But if you don't mention sex, otherwise, when they go home to their home otherwise when they go home to their home. When they go home to their home. And they may not have, and sex is not mentioned, they may not be no sex. We don't know. We don't. You're not supposed to try to find out. What is happening?

What are you doing? What are you doing? What do you do? Why do you? How does he operate a camera in order to make a YouTube video? Are you kidding? This guy is amazing. I've never heard. Greatest thing I've ever heard.

He interrupts himself. He seems to be confused about where he's at or how he got here. He's using words like whatevergarine, whatever that is. It's like a margarine partner. Like, country crock. It's smooth like butter. What is happening? We didn't even get to anything.

I didn't know. I just thought you should hear him talk. How long was it? It's nine minutes. No. I'm not going to play nine minutes. No. I can't.

Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Do you want to support the show? Go to patreon.com. That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com forward slash dissonance pod.

Or click the link on the podcast homepage, and you can donate to the production of Cognitive Dissonance on a per-episode basis. If you can't spare any money, take a second to give us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. This story comes from Right Wing Watch. Glenn Beck is explaining why God is dragging out the GOP primary all the way to the convention.

Cecil, we are going all the way to the convention with this thing. Ted Cruz, Donald Trump battling the whole way. Neither one gives. It's a battle to the death. To the death? You know, it would be awesome to see Ted Cruz in gladiator armor because he'd be as smooth as the leather. You wouldn't be able to tell. You'd just be'd be discolored ted skin that's what it would look like they would try to strap it out of it would just slide off of his body like wait he has he

literally has no hair how does he he's like a fucking human manatee you know you undress him and he just doesn't have any features at all he just kind of goes he turns into he turns into one of those emoji piles of shit he's like larger at the bottom he's not even pear-shaped he's just fucking like hershey's shaped and they'll and like when when they try to strap that fucking armor on on donald trump it's just so blinding the orange that comes off of them he's like it's like it's like opening a door and you've been in a bar all night and you see the sun that's what it would be

seeing yeah it'd be so blinding you wouldn't want to walk even look at all right so here's glenn beck um convinced that uh that uh that're going to have to drag it all the way out to the convention. But I really truly believe He says that so often that I almost thought this was a clip we used. Where he said, I really truly believe. It's all the time. God or the universe

is making sure all of us are accountable. Let me say this. Stu, do you ever remember Indiana making a difference? I don't remember Indiana making a difference in anything, in any decision ever. I think they make a difference in the level of odor that's around this part of the country. I think they make a huge difference, Tom. And I don't think you give Indiana enough credit

for the odor that they create. I guess from an odor standpoint, from an odor generation standpoint, they are fucking tops. They are doing... So you're right. They are doing... It's like they're doing overtime.

You know what I mean? Anything worthwhile that started in Indiana has long since left Indiana. In the election of the president? I mean, in general. Not in the general. Not in the general long since left Indiana. In the election of the president? I mean, in general. Not in the general. Not in the general. Not in primary.

Primary. It's always been Florida, New Hampshire, Iowa, South Carolina, and Nevada. Yeah, New Hampshire. He just fucking ignored that Nevada comment. He's like, Nevada. He's like, I'm not even going to fucking deign to respond. I won't even respond. You know that guy got fired for saying that, right?

He got killed. They just take him out back and flog him. Sorry. I didn't mean to say Nevada. Here's the thing. We don't talk when Glenn is talking unless he looks directly at you. So I'm going to need you to die right now. All right, activate the collar.

Iowa. Yeah, that's it. Really, really it's the three. Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina. Then I think maybe it's Florida. But we've seen it time and time again. Anybody who plays for Florida, it's over by then. Each time, each time you think the momentum is going one way it stops and goes the other way

is he talking about this i think so yeah it hasn't been like that at all i mean like cruises won a couple of things here and there but they've been few and far between and they've been and they've been meager i mean he won texas that was the big thing that he won his home state of texas he won texas okay but then it's just been meager since right he's won a few other places i mean he won texas that was the big thing that he won his home state of texas he won texas okay but then it's just been meager since right he's won a few other places i mean for sure but but trump has fucking curb stomped pretty much yeah oh guys why are you taking all my delegates i love the delegates i'll come back maybe i want all the delegates to oil me down i'm like a hairless cat i don't generate my own moisture and then something happens and that momentum stops and it goes the other way each time how many times have we felt he's out

how many times have trump people thought oh boy it's falling apart never never no he's out how many times have trump people out oh boy it's falling apart never never no he's fucking killed those trump people are like every day they're just like every day is my best day trump goes out he's like i'll fucking kill a woman and people are like i'll vote for trump i love him so much they're like bringing women for him to kill i know they're just like hey can you kill this one they're just astonished i don't like this one she's my ex-wife greatest job ever like trump just goes out you're like he can't say anything he really can't like you just say whatever fuck he wants like you know that michelle michelle obama nice tits on that michelle obama love that

i want to get a little jungle fever you know know what I mean? Like he could say whatever he wants. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Yeah. He's fucking. And the thing is, is he can say it and then people won't even remember that he said it. He can say it. It can be on camera. It can be filmed.

And he will look you in the eye four minutes later and be like, I didn't say that. And then they can show him the video and be like, that's bullshit. And everybody loves Trump. Be like, yeah, he didn't say that. That's edited. That's the fucking big media or here whatever like he just literally does whatever he wants he could eat a fucking baby cannoli he could eat a cannoli stuffed with baby meat and it doesn't i think this is going to go all the way to californ. And do you know why? God told you? Please say God told you. My thought for you is

is God or the universe? You know, if you read the Bible as a history book? Well, then you're fucking retarded. You read the Bible as a history book? As a history book? Yeah. Alright, you already lost me. I gotta read the Bible as a history book? As a history book? Yeah. Well, all right, you already lost me.

I got to read the Bible as a history book. The patterns repeat. You take all the magic stuff, if you want to go to talk about a point of view like Hitchens or Pendulet. It's like all magic garbage. Like, who cares, dude? So you get rid of all of Genesis, basically, because Genesis is all magic. Yeah. I think you just get rid of all of it.

Yeah, because if you get rid – what would you keep in the Bible? It doesn't have magic. God says something. You're like, well, God's magic. I kind of want to see what Jefferson did because I know that he sort of removed all references to supernatural happenings and whatnot. And maybe that does change the face of the book. But if you just go with the premise, just the one single premise that there is a God, then the whole book is garbage. Right.

Well, I mean, you would condense it down to a leaflet. Yeah, exactly. The whole book is garbage. Take away all the miracles. Let's just look at this as a book that teaches – that teaches, yeah. Nothing, nothing. What would it teach me? Nothing.

What would it teach me? Teach you. Don't plant some seeds in the same row. Teach you how to read something that was written a long time ago. Right? Yeah. Don't get a tattoo. Don't fucking wear two cloths.

Like, what am I supposed to learn from it? Be nice to people. Yeah. Societal patterns. The pattern is always the same. And the people cry out for a king and god and some prophets always stand up and say don't don't do it don't do it and the people cry out for a king and god and some people stand up and say don't do it don't do it but those people who are standing up are always in the vast minority don't do it, don't do it. But those people who are standing up are always in the vast minority. Don't do it.

You don't want a king. And then usually the third time they cry out for a king, and God's like, whatever. You got a king. What is he, like fucking Beetlejuice? You got to do things three times or else God won't listen? Hey, y'all, you got to ask me three times. I'm not going to do it on the first time. Or is it like wearing them down? Like, Dad, can we get ice cream sundaes? Dad, can we get ice cream sundaes? Dad, okay, y'all, you got to ask me three times. I'm not going to do it on the first time. Or is it like wearing them down?

Like, Dad, can we get ice cream sundaes? Dad, can we get ice cream sundaes? Dad, okay, fine, you get ice cream sundaes. Yes, you can stay the night at Billy's. Right. He doesn't stop your free choice. You have free choice. But because this land is, because we have a covenant with God that started with George Washington.

Yeah, George Washington gave the first circumcision. We have a covenant with God that started with George Washington? Yeah. Oh. George Washington was going to kill his son, Isaac. His son, the cherry tree. Because we have a covenant, I think before he withdraws his protection, he just wants you to be clear.

Before he pulls out? Yeah, he wants it. But it's never clear, it turns out. It is if you let it sit for a while, it gets a little clear on the edges. And he doesn't want New York to decide for you. He doesn't want New Hampshire to decide for you. What if I live in New York or New Hampshire?

Yeah, exactly. Like I'm in New York or New Hampshire? Yeah, exactly. Like I'm in New York. It was like, well, fucking fuck me. Yeah, fucking who does he want me to decide? Some fucking yokel from a stink state. What the fuck? Florida, Iowa. I remember standing in front of the crowd in Iowa and and saying iowa you might make the choice you

might this will set a pattern i said that in in in um south carolina as well south carolina you might make the choice and when south carolina chose trump i thought they did make the choice they did make a choice for trump yeah that's how this works i'm looking around the room like somebody's going to tell me what he's getting at here. I can't. And then another state made a different choice. That's how this works. They go, what are you?

I don't know what to say here. And then Utah made a choice. And then Wisconsin made a different choice. All I thought was 50 states. Are we going to go through all of them? I hope so. And then I thought, oh, my gosh, look at Wisconsin just made the choice. But then New York made a choice.

And now Indiana is going to make a choice. We are going to go state by state and we're all going to decide. I've quit the show. This thing is going to end at the convention, but it is going to end with each one of us having to decide and writing our name down. You want a king or not? What does that mean? I don't know. Do you want to? He's suggesting that Trump is a king or not? What does that mean? I don't know. Do you want a king?

He's suggesting that Trump is a king and not a president? Not a president? Because he's an ego, like because he's ego. Because he's a fascist. Because he's a fascist. I don't understand Glenn Beck at all. But it's going to go all the way. It's going to go all the way, though.

And I think that that's something we can bank on. That's our takeaway. It's going all the way, Cecil. Man, I think that that's the message. That's our takeaway. That's something we can bank on at this point. It's going all the way, Cecil. Man, there's times that I say things that I know are true, and this is one of them. Also from Right Wing Watch, Glenn Beck, still fucking real worked up, Cecil. Yeah, he's talking about how he's campaigning for Ted Cruz in Indiana, and he's engaging in fasting and prayer to make sure that it works, I guess. Yeah, well, Jesus won't listen to you if you're full. Right. Yeah.

If you've got, if he's like, like God looks down, he's like, well, you're on a full belly. I can't hear you. No, that's not how it works, Tom. What happens is, is the only way to get in touch with God is a stomach growl. That's like a phone ring. And if that happens, then God's like, then God's like, wait, I thought I heard a tum-tum growl. Somebody didn't eat breakfast. Oh, it's Glenn Beck.

What, are you trying to get rid of one of them chins there, Beck? Headline number one, boy smite. I mean, this is in huge, you know, drudge font size. Boy smites Cruz at rally. You suck, he screams. Beck, fast and pray for 24 hours. Again. Good God.

He's doing it again. That's a story? That's your lead story that Glenn Beck has asked people to fast and pray? Yeah, no. Honestly, though, that isn't a story. They're right about that. That's not a story that you're doing it and it's not a story that that that he's reporting like that's a terrible who cares yeah glenn beck isn't eating food today

yeah glenn okay sure his the fat stores in his channel let him go for a whole year fine yeah he's fine sure this guy like fuck you could render him for candles the only type of person that you could get a harpoon stuck in his chin. This is a man who has amber grease, right? This is a guy... You like put it in perfume? About his election.

The front page again? It's his lead thing right under the photo of Ted Cruz. Wait, did he say a really bad photo of Ted Cruz? Where's a really good photo of Ted Cruz? Has anybody taken a good photo of Ted? Like every photo. Like you need one from space.

Every camera you use to take a photo of Ted Cruz becomes a disposable camera. You take it back and you're like, there's grease on the lens. How is there grease on the lens? I was like, he was a football field away it's a digital camera and somehow it's flaccid i don't understand all the buttons are off and it's featureless it's you take the picture and it just melts a little. It just gives up.

It just gives up. It says, I'm real sorry, but I can't do this work. Everything around him just turns to fucking gray Play-Doh. Then let me just say this, please. I beg of you, please. Not for Ted Cruz, not for Donald Trump, not for but for our country. Please, please fast and pray. Please.

We were losing the Civil War until Abraham Lincoln gave up breakfast. I want to know what's happening here. We were losing the Civil War until Abraham Lincoln skipped right on the lunch. That's what happened. Because he fasted and prayed i'm quitting i'm leaving i'm walking right out that you are not gonna walk out that i am called for a fast a day of fasting i'm out i gotta go prayer and humiliation and humiliation did he say humiliation no you had to go up to somebody and be like, just tell everybody my darkest secrets.

You had to watch Meet the Fockers or something? He didn't say a day of cringing. Don't do that. You keep on, like, every time something happens, you're just like, you'll get it on your phone. You're like, I'm not going to pay attention. I'm not going to pay attention. Oh, my God, is he eating his own underwear?

What is happening? Wow. That's it. Your phone. You're like, I'm not going to pay attention. I'm not going to pay attention. Oh my God. Is eating zone underwear. What is happening? Wow. That's it. There's a lot riding on India. I'm telling you what, there's a lot riding. Glenn Beck thinks it's going to happen. Hold on a second. What's going on?

Yeah. I think, I think Cruz just backed out of the race. Let me see. I just want to make sure if that's impossible. No, I think Ted Cruz just left the race. Right now. That doesn't bode well for the anointed one remember when he was anointed well by god yeah he got down on his knees with ratty out crews and they all got down together oh yeah man it's six months man

they prayed and god was like yeah you should totally run they didn't ask god they asked jesus yeah so he's totally out he's done he's done that's it done done done done wow yeah so it's just it's just the trump man and uh case of i think he actually took the stage and then just turned into a puddle and just went right off the crack that's it it just leaks actually actually he took the stage and then he punched his wife elbowed his wife and then forearmed his wife all in two motions he missed his calling for mma three hits in two motions that guy is so awkward it's like you know he he's like he's like he's not sure how he got in this body. Exactly.

Every time he's walking around. He's like that weird guy from Men in Black. You know what I mean? He's just like always walking around. The cockroach guy? Yeah, he's always. He's the cockroach guy. He's like going to snuggle.

He's just like, let me snuggle. He like lays his. He like flops his shoulder. He always grabs his wife way too hard. Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying. Not everyone has a gentle touch. What are you going to do?

And then him and Fiorina the other day when they're trying to decide whose hand is going to be on top, they grab hands to sort of of raise them in victory. And as they raise them, Fiorina and him are sort of fighting thumb wrestling style to decide who is going to be on top. It's really strange. Google that if you get a chance. Like Fiorina

and Cruz. There's a bunch of gifs of it. It's just creepy and weird. The best thing I've ever seen is when Cruz punches his wife. I know. Every time I see it. It's so funny. I laugh.

It's so funny. He hits her right in the face. He's just trying to give his dad a hug. He punches her. It's so funny. He hits her three times in her room. He can't. That guy just can't. He's just such garbage it's like it's like he's animated garbage that That's exactly it. He's like...

I love it so much. I love it too. Oh, God. It's your face. Her face. When she gets hit, she looks so disgusted to be touched by him. It's like... And you know it's true.

She's like, oh, God. Oh, God. Not his slimy, slimy hand. Because you know he's cold. Like, you know when he hit her, he's cold. He feels like a slick boa. It's like getting fisted by a corpse, you know? You just feel it, and you're like, God damn, is this thing dead?

Is this thing I've been fucking dead oh my god he's amazing so I want to read this is a website that was sent to us and I found this this week this person sent it and I literally could not stop laughing

this is Ted Cruz it's a Ted Cruz website and the website is called Ted Cruz for It's a Ted Cruz website. And the website is called TedCruz for HumanPresident.com It's so funny. This was sent to us by Jake. And Jake, thank you so much.

Now, at the very top, Tom, the very top, it has Ted Cruz's weird face. It says on top, 100% human candidate. And then it says, I have been incubated from birth to be your overlord. And then I'm going to read more of it because it's amazing. It says American prosperity in large letters.

And then it says, hello, I am Ted Cruz for president. And Ted Cruz is one word and for president is one word. I have over 42 years. I wish to shut down the space program and destroy all telescopes abruptly without explanation. Now there's another picture. This is a very short website. It's very short. There's only two more sections.

Okay. It says, observing you is the next piece. It says, I once observed a child traversing on wheeled shoes. child traversing on wheeled shoes. I will work tirelessly to find out what this technology is called and demand the earth children turn over its schematics over to me.

Forthwith. That hurts so much. All right. Last piece. All right. Last piece. Last piece. All right. All right. Okay.

So actually there's two more pieces. So this one is update. No, this is after he lost. And there's a picture of him and his wife waving. And it says, I must return to my hometown of Texas to slumber for an amount of time you would consider reasonable and then it says and then it says tom says says thank you thank you your support and skull sizes have been documented and then there's two people and there's two people there's testimonials here's the two testimonials they have on this website it says here's what people are saying

there's a guy it says his name is guy manderson it says ted cruz is only is only one being and not several. Then finally, finally we have a guy by the name of first name, last name. I have seen many people and Ted Cruz is one of them. This is the best website. The best part is you don't even need to go there because I just read it all to you. I just read it all. It's so funny. Ted Cruz.

I'm sorry. God, he's so funny. I cannot control my body right now. Ted Cruz is so funny. He's the most ridiculous candidate for president. But he's out now, Tom. He's out. And like you said, all that time they spent on their knees, all that discernment.

I wouldn't call it wasted. All that time that hillbilly God spent rubbing him and anointing him with oil is gone. Lubed him up for nothing. Totally gone. You lubed him up for nothing. Let's see what Glenn Beck does because Glenn Beck clearly – He's got to be – He's on suicide watch at this point.

He's got to be ready to die. So let's play a little bit of Glenn Beck. This is from Right Wing Watch. You will never have another Republican president ever again. He's so petulant again he's stomping his foot he's so petulant okay so here's glenn beck three o'clock in the morning yesterday he met with his top people from 11 o'clock at night to three o'clock in the morning decision was made at three o'clock yesterday morning that if indiana did not go he would pull out

come on just give me a few more minutes. Stay in, don't pull out already. Ted, humans reproduce by keeping it in until they finish. That's how it works. Pull out, must pull out, must pull out. The human female does not need filling. And everybody in the room was trying to convince him to stay in, except for a couple of people. Everybody in the room was trying to convince him to stay in. And all Ted said the entire night was, yes, but the country.

Oh, fuck you. Fuck you. No, it's because it's because he's alien and doesn't understand how to say other things. Yes. But the country. Yes. But the country. Yes.

But the country. I hate these people. Isn't that amazing, though? How he puts him up on that pedestal. I'm just like, oh, but he just stood there and said, yeah, but the country, guys. But America, guys. But America. You know, I'm running for president of the United States, but it's not about me, guys.

It's about bald eagles. It's about freedom. And Mayberry. And my slick body. That's what it's about. It's about my hairless 40-year-old corpse that I walk around with. That's all he kept saying. No, I'm not talking about Ted Cruz.

He literally carries a 40-year-old hairless corpse that he carries around with him. Yes. But the country. Tears rolling down his cheeks. Oh, fuck you! You drama queen! The country. Tears rolling down his cheeks. Oh, fuck you! You drama queen! No, no.

You gotta understand that Ted Cruz rarely blinks. So always tears. And his cheeks are slick. So they just roll right down there. Actually, it's funny because you can't see them roll. They just sort of like once the water hits it, it just sort of disperses. Disperses out. Yeah.

Because it doesn't have to get caught. Fucking drama queen. What a fucking drama queen. It's like when you leave the butter out and it sweats. It's like that. Yes. But the country. I think I would say the same thing back to him.

They tried. They tried. But the country. They tried. There was an original war where there was pretty contentious. know as i emailed you last night i know where a third of the host of heaven was cast out a third of the host i have what the fuck is he talking about is he talking about angels is he is he talking about angel fights i think he is are we fucking talking about we went from fucking ted a diaper wearing fucking no man man to angel fights yeah yeah we went from ted human manatee cruise to yeah like he's slick like a porpoise it feels like a wet

rubber it does it's like it's like a wet mushroom Just like you just touch it and you just slide right off. That was pretty contentious. Yes. Nobody stopped. It kept going for the good of the overall plan. And Carly walked in. I will tell you, Carly Fiorina is one of the most impressive people I have ever met. She drowned a kid right in front of him.

She just picked one of the kids out of their room and she said, we're going to drown you. I don't care. I've done it before. I'll do it again. Glenn, watch this. Don't you turn away. Don't you turn away, you pussy. Look him right in the eye. Look him right in the eye when the life goes out of him.

Ted loves this. That's all I can masturbate to. She walked in and you know me i'm a hugger and sometimes i can be an awkward hugger no glenn i'm sure everyone that hug hugs you nestles themselves into your chins that's one of those guys that like comes up for a hug and he's got his arms in one they're all they're all weird last minute last second and you're just and he fucking can't figure out what to do with his hips and he's leaning with his shoulder wrong you're like why are you doing this you do this so weird and wrong awkward and he's rubbing his genitals on you well i like that part okay fucking get in there and uh you know sometimes i hug a little too long so i hugged her and i left i let go and she

hugged me harder that's because none of you in the room are human like there's not a human in the room right there's not a human person in the room every single one of you is from space that's why you're all all you did was watch a bunch of tv to figure out how humans act. And she just said, thank you. Thank you for standing true to your principles. Oh, my God. This is all so fucking dramatic. Thank you so much, Glenn. You still failed.

Hold on. Let me do my best. Let me do my best Carly Fiorina voice. Thank you, Glenn. Standing true to your principles. I'm Batman. And I looked at her and I said, are you kidding me? She said, no, you don't know how much you've meant to us.

And I said, are you kidding? Carly, you are probably the biggest patriot in America. Oh, my God. That's it. That's it. I'm done. I'm done. What are you, like a fucking hyperbole factory?

Me? No, you. Oh, you guys. It's you. You're America. It's you. You're America. It's you. You guys want to go bomb some brown people it's

you oh love you let's just all ride bald eagles out of here it's like like you know what they're the fucking they're the fucking patriotic fucking dick pulling equivalent of being like you're like 16 you're like no you hang up oh no you hang up are you kidding me? Bullshit the fuck up. She said, how do you figure that? And I said, because you knew last week. You knew last week this was a suicide mission. Last week, Glenn, you were talking about taking this fucking pig to California. Are you kidding me? You're going to ride this fucking suicide train all the way to the fucking convention.

And it was all that Cruz could do to try to stay relevant, to try to rope another set of voters in if he could. Right, right. That was the only play he had left. It's not a suicide. I mean, yeah, it's a suicide mission. She probably knew it a week ago. Yeah, she probably knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. But what did she have to lose?

Nothing. No one's going to remember. No one's going to care. No one's going to care. Trump's not going to pick her. I'm trying to think of who ran against McCain in like the final fucking two that named their fucking running mate. No one remembers any of these people. No one cares about the loser. She had nothing to lose by accepting him.

Yeah, nothing. so we'd like to uh thank our most recent patrons darcy pandora james andrew willard nico derrick emory the abortionator here we go my friend levi they've realized that if they Patreon it, you have to say it. Wyoming's only escalator. Gray Dingo. Zelf, the great white laminite. Kevin. Reese.

Jeff. Cecil, like a ta-do-da-cha-cha. What is that? I don't even know, but it's awesome. Heather, War Banjo, and Angie, thank you very much for your generous donations. I like War Banjo. We really do truly appreciate it. Thank you guys

so, so much. We really do appreciate it. Yeah, you guys are awesome. We've been able to do so much in the last year or so that we've had Patreon. I mean, it's really changed the whole game for us in terms of our ability to to do this show to do the show yeah to keep i mean especially when you know both of our lives are very difficult and there's a lot of changes going on we are able to uh to still make it down still

still record every week and uh and still keep a show out there so thank you very much what kind of message this is from janee and she sent us this youtube link that i'm gonna put on her page that is of the ark uh commercial like the ark encounter it's like an ark encounter commercial and it's crazy it's super awful it's basically it's a bunch of people staring at an elephant and being like oh my god an elephant and everything's walking two by two they see this enormous stupid fucking arc and they're staring dumbfound at it and the whole time it looks like they're all thinking the same thing i'm thinking which is well this is bullshit i watched this uh nova special recently where they they went through like a bunch of tablets i guess

the flood story is in different areas so it's not just it's not just the bible there's other there's other places and they found this tablet and they tried to recreate this arc that they found there basically with these specifications that they have and they're talking about it in different places and it was really funny because they they go to create this arc and they're talking about well they're actually it was a round ship rather than like like the barge types that we're used to the around it was round so they they made this arc but they couldn't make it very big like the biggest they made it was like 20 feet across and so they make this 20 feet arc and i'm thinking okay well yeah you got why couldn't they make you save the lions well because it's structurally you just can you just can't, can't, and I'm just like, well, you don't fit all the animals on it.

Yeah. Right. And so then they, they got to work on it and then it just didn't float. Like they had, they had got this pitch and this pitch didn't work. And so they threw it in the water and it's floating in the water. And then they, they had to run like gas generators to get it. So it was cleared out. I love it when they do shit like that.

I'll especially like this new arc thing where you ever see a giant crane putting it together and you're just like yeah man you're not it's not fucking like some guy with like like a fucking like a like a planer and he's cutting away at it trying to trying to you know roll down like a log or whatever it's fucking giant running all down the log like it. You don't even have – here's the thing. At this point in time, they had not yet invented the level. They hadn't invented the level. They haven't, no. They haven't. I mean, think.

This is 6,000 years ago? How long ago was the fucking Arky story? Like 4,000 years ago? The Arky – something like that. No, it was six. I thought it was six because – Because six was the beginning of the world, right, according to this nonsense. And then there had to be some time for God to get pissy.

And then 2000 – so 4,000 years ago? So let's call it 4,000 years ago. Like they hadn't invented fucking anything yet. We got another message. This is from Sarah, and Sarah sent in a message. And there's an image of a guy doing the only thing you can do with Crown Royal bags that I think is classy. He stitched them into pants. Classy as fuck.

That's all I'm saying. It's classy as fuck, man. Classy as fuck. It's great. Sarah sent in another message. And I'm going to let you go to our website and check this out. It's episode 292. It's a message about today's soup.

It's pretty great. It made Tom laugh out loud when he read it. This is a Mormon prayer. This was done by a guy we met in person who we met him at ReasonCon. His name's Travis. For shits and giggles, he became a Mormon.

Which is hilarious. He just went undercover Mormon. It's awesome. Then he created this prayer for us so he could take glory hole. It's wonderful. He's he created this prayer for us so he could take glory hole. It's wonderful. And he's also a home brewer. Dear heavenly father, bless thee for this day.

Bless us with strength to get through any challenges we face this week. Bless that we can remember this lesson applied in our daily lives and use it to grow our testimony. Bless that we all are open to receive your glory, wholehearted love, and guidance in our lives. Bless that you continue to lead us towards righteous lives. Bless that we travel home in safety. I say this all in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

That's great. Oh, God. Wholehearted love. we got some great sketches from kelly and uh and they're awesome there's a sketch of alex jones saying it's not human intelligence and then another sketch of professor satan and we're going to put these these images on this episode show notes so go check it out uh This is episode 292. They're really good. They really are great. I think we should print them out and pin them to the wall.

Let's do it. We should start doing that. Anybody who actually draws something, not just an internet thing or something. Yeah. If somebody draws something. Any kind of fan thing. Any kind of fan-type drawing. We'll have a wall of shame. We'll have a wall of shame.

We're going to print it out. We'll print these out and put these on the wall. Yeah, we'll frame them all up and put them on the wall. We got a message from Ian, and Ian wanted to let us know about the BHA annual conference. That's the British Humanist Association. It's going to be happening from the 10th to the 12th of June in Birmingham, wherever the hell that is. I don't even know. I hope it's not Alabama. I believe, first of all, it, wherever the hell that is. I don't even know. I hope it's not Alabama.

I believe, first of all, it's properly referred to as Birmingham. That's what I said, right? I think you said Birmingham. Is that different? You have to pronounce the ham. Oh, it's the ham. Birmingham. So it's in Birmingham.

It looks like it's going to be a pretty cool conference, though, and tons of humanist speakers, and it's relatively cheap at 79 pounds, and there's 49 pounds for students. So you can check out that annual conference on our website this week. We'll put a link to the BHA, the British Humanist Association annual conference that's happening in Birmingham. Birmingham. The ham is the most important part. On June 10th through the 12th. It sounds great.

It sounds like a really interesting conference. I had a great time at the Humanist Conference that was here in Chicago. I remember that. That was a really great conference and there were some really cool speakers. So very neat. Tom, we got a message.

This is from Tom and there's a friend of theirs that just sort of knows, like, thinks a lot about the conspiracy theories and stuff. Tom's not really sure how to approach it. Yeah. So he says, getting the questions, what do you think my reaction should be to these conspiracy theories and all this nonsense? You know, stuff about Obama's bodyguards being lizard alien people and shit like that. You know, this is your friend, and these are beliefs your friend has.

You're not going to logic them out of him in an afternoon. So get that out of your mind. That's not going to happen. Not going to happen. So, you know, this is your friend. You don't want to alienate your friend. I think that what you can do is you can ask good questions. You can say things like, well, that's interesting.

I'd like to know more about that. Sure. Tell me more about that. Tell me more about Obama's bodyguards that are lizards. But be genuine and be sincere and ask good questions and say, how would you know that that was the case? How would you know it wasn't the case? Sure. How many people have to know this?

Right. Yeah. And just ask really good questions. Try to really get Socratic. Try to really get deep. Try to dig with the questions, but do it in a gentle way. And when it starts to get heated, just back off and change the subject. And you'll probably have to do that a lot of times. A lot. You'll have to do that a number of times. You can't just snap people out of that. And the thing is that we know that people can be

snapped out of that. And the thing is that we know that people can be snapped out of it. Right. It's a possibility. So if this person is really your friend and you want to pursue it, go gentle. Think of it like anal, okay? Warm it up first. Warm it up. Go slow.

If it starts hurting, back off. Right. You don't have to do it anymore. A little respect. Don't just thrust it in there. You're not going to do it twice if you try that. We got a message from Matthew, and this is Jim Baker bumper that he created.

It's amazing. And that backs up exactly what I've been trying to tell you. Be ready. Be ready. Are you ready? Y'all ready for this? Yeah! Let's turn it up.

That's great. This is awesome. So good. That's great shit. That's terrific. That's great. Elvis sent in a... He sent in a call to prayer that turned out awesome.

Long life, long long, long, long. I like this. Long, long, long, long, long. I like this so much. Oh, my. Six, seven, eight. I love it, too. That's so funny.

Great work, Elvis. Great work, as usual. That's so funny. Great work, Elvis. Great work, as usual. That's so funny. I'm just going to have a whole folder full of Elvis bumpers. I love Elvis. I love him too. I don't ever want him to leave the building. These are so funny.

So I'm going to only post one of these. This is from Bloody Mice. And Bloody Mice sends in a message. And it's got a whole clip of Jim Baker show and Tom and I watch it and it's like it's like a fucking lynch film. Someone has cut it to be creepy and crazy and weird as hell and it's awesome. It is so awesome. So check out this episode show notes to 92 to check it out. So our next show.

Yep. It's our great hope. Yep. To have David Smalley in studio. Hope. It's going to happen. It might happen. Well, it's going to probably happen.

Hope. Well, all right. It's going to happen. It's our great tolerate. Here's the thing. David Smalley has been on our show yes he has like six or seven times too many times and we've never been on his show except for the two hours that we gave him five thousand dollars we gotta pay he's basically a prostitute that's what we're saying he never

lets us on his show he would never let us on his show. He would never let us on his show. No. Between now and then, send your favorite messages because David will be in studio with us. Yes. So if you want us to say anything to David, please be sure to send us an email about it this week. And we can tell David in person while he's here. I also think that we can probably get David to read some of your mail. Sure. So if there is anything you specifically would like to hear David Smalley read, please send it to us.

Keep it short. Keep it like one line or two lines or even just a handful of words. And you're going to have to get it to us pretty quickly after this show releases because we're recording next Wednesday with David in the evening. So that would give you about 48 hours to get us something. Right. But if there's something you want David Smalley to read, I feel reasonably confident

I can strong arm him into reading it. And by strong arm him, he means literally hold him down and make him read it. I'm stronger than David Smalley, is I guess what I'm saying. I really do look forward to meeting him and hanging out with him in person. He was a lot of fun when we met him down at ReasonCon. It was. So it should be a lot of fun to have him in studio here.

We got to straighten up a little between now and then. It looks good in here. I'm going to fucking put Gary right behind the door, though. It doesn't at all look like a place we haven't cleaned in two months. All right. Well, that's going to be it for tonight. Tom and I are going to go home and cry about ted cruz leaving the race so sad and and we're gonna leave you like we always do with the skeptics creed credulity is not a virtue

it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternativequasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double speak, stigmata, nonsense.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Outro Music