Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 293: Deep Inside the Gloryhole with David Smalley

Episode Date: May 16, 2016

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey guys, this is Emmy from Raleigh, North Carolina, and I just wanted to explain once upon a time. It's basically every single Disney character is related or fucking in some way. And the lesbian scene was between Dorothy of Lizzie the Boss and Little Red Riding Hood. It was very adorable. Hey, this is the Desert Dave. I was just listening to the most recent episode with the Ted Cruz for Human website. And at the end, when Glenn Beck was talking about it, and he said, Ted Cruz kept saying, fuck the country. I immediately pictured the Blues Brothers where John Belushi's saying, the band, man, the band.

That's all. Glory hole, motherfuckers. Good afternoon, Tom and Cecil. This is Graham Todd from Richmond, Virginia. Now, I know the conspiracy theories come up a lot on your show, and Alex Jones, whom I absolutely love, gets mentioned a lot. And I wanted to give you a little conspiracy theory, not from Alex Jones, but about Alex Jones. Now, this is a fringe upon fringe upon fringe theory, but there is a theory that Bill Hicks, the amazing comedian, did not in fact die of pancreatic cancer in 1994 at age 32. Scott, in fact, died of pancreatic cancer in 1994 at age 32. But in fact, he was kidnapped by the Republican Party and essentially clockwork orange until he became Alex Jones to make their ideas look less crazy by comparison. It is my absolute favorite conspiracy theory.

And also that guy that calls in and does the impression, he does a damn good job. Y'all have a great day. Glory Hall. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. All right, so... So with your... How serious is this? How serious is what?

What? Wait, what? Like, how on point does this need to be? You do what you want. I'm just saying. You're an improviser, my friend. You do whatever you think is awesome. Mr. Smalley,

I know that you're not a great listener of our program, but that's okay. Yeah, I haven't... Nothing... Oh, I haven't. Nothing. Oh, I heard the fucking Tom and fucking Charlie or whatever the fuck you said. Like, I'm the nice guy to you. Like, I'm the nice one. Can't you fuck up his name?

Can't you be like, oh, it's Cecil and fucking douchebag or whatever? Like, why would you? Because I'll come at him so hard. It's always me. It's always me, man. Because people typically say Tom and Cecil. That's right. That is true.

He's the top-down guy. Why would that be the case? I don't know. If I would have started with messing up... You're the straight man. People wouldn't have gotten it. You're right. You're right.

It was a marketing decision. But it still hurt. It still hurt, bro. I love you. I was very pained all day by it. It was fucking terrible. All right. Did we order P-Quads yet?

Not yet. Fuck. Stop it. I'm so hungry. I'm uncomfortable. You're going to like fucking eat the fucking mic here in a few minutes. I'm so hungry. Calm down.

I'm going to yell about it. All right. All right. Tom, we've been recording for the last five minutes. No, we haven't. Yeah, so. That's bullshit. What did I say?

I don't. You said you hated No Ill illusions and Eli Bosnick. You also said. I'm cool with that. So far. My name is David Smalley and I approve this match. He said something about wrestling Matt Dillahunty. That was weird.

I don't know. It was like a bald on bald action. I'm not sure what's going on there. Weren't you on like an atheist experience once? Were you on? I was. Yeah. Absolutely.

How was that? Was it like tough to be on atheist experience? Because those people are coming at you. Those people that call are coming at you. You know, a guy called in and rambled for 25 minutes, nonsensical, absolute bullshit. And it was so bad that it ate up the majority of the time. Are you sure that wasn't your show? Oh.

Yes. Damn. Yes. Damn. Yes. Here I am. No, that was good. That was actually good. and it was so bad that it ate up the majority of the time. Are you sure that wasn't your show? Oh, damn. Damn. Yes. Here I am. No, that was good. That was actually clever. I know. Listening, being attentive. You were so polite.

Here's Charlie. Unfortunately. Charlie's over here listening. Unfortunately, he's met his one joke quota for the night. Fuck. So the rest of the show is going to suck gold. As usual, I blow my water early. Now that we got away from the refractory period,

now for the next joke. Was there a question? I forgot what it was. It was. 25 minutes the guy spent rambling. It was so bad that when Matt and I went to lunch afterwards, we were walking across the parking lot in total silence. He just looked over at me and went, sorry, dude. It was that bad.

I didn't get a chance to really do what I do. It was really crazy. I'd be intimidated to be on that show. But you're used to live debate anyway. I prefer it. You know what, guys? I don't know how you guys pre-record. What do you mean?

Really? Yeah. I tried it the other day. There's something about me, man. When I go live and I know that there's no going back, I'm on. Yeah. And when I know I'm recording, it's just I'm not. I just go, oh, fuck, let's do that again.

Let's try it. No, no, no. We never do that. We never like, let's do that over. No, I never do that. No. But we just drop it if it sucks. Like if it sucks, that's the thing.

It's like we record more than we need. We'll record two hours for an hour 20. And whatever sucks goes. It just goes. But then how many hours are you in the editing bay? It depends. Upwards of, it can be as high as 12.

God. But I watch basketball when I do it. I mean, like, I'm just, I just. Oh, that explains the normalizing issues. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. What am I mean to him? Charlie is getting it fucking six ways from Sunday over here. You know what happens? I realize what happened here. I feel like I'm just intimidated. No is getting it fucking six ways from Sunday over here. You know what happens? I realize what happened here. I feel like I'm just intimidated.

No, here's the thing. Not the case? I just figured it out. You know what? I did go to school for psychology. I've known you for a long time, so you're not intimidating. To me. To me.

Maybe to other people. Maybe to other people. Hey. But I just. There's one or two I need to get out. I hope I'm not intimidating to you either. You know what I mean? Did you scare the shit out of me on a regular basis?

Are you kidding me? Don't withhold your affection! I figured out what happens. What happens? He's like the abusive father. Yes. That beats up on me. Right?

And then I go to my little brother and kick the shit out of him. Right? Yeah. I need to turn my... I need to turn my anger. I'm stinking of cheap scotch and cigarettes. Recording lot. No.

No, we are not. No, we're not doing any of it. We're not doing it? Here's the thing, guys. Here's the thing. What's up? Here's the thing. What's going on?

Normally, I go through the intro, and I want to say that I, not only do I go through the intro. Hold on. I just want to say. There was a sigh. No, there was a only do I go through the intro. Hold on. I just want to say there was a sigh. No, there was a sigh and a clearing of the throat. There was. Was there? There was.

And that must mean that we are joined in studio today by David Smalley of Dogma Debate. And while I typically go through the intro with grace and aplomb, today, today only, today today only i'm gonna hand over the intro to the one the only the inimitable david my fucking smally yes our first disgruntled in-studio guest so unhappy to be here. This is the fucking saltiest glory hole. They all are pretty salty, it turns out. Depends on what side you're on. Look, I have sampled many glory holes, and they're always salty.

Unless the person's eating pineapple ahead of time. Or hot sauce. That's just polite, right? That's just fucking polite. Did you drive up here? I am so uncomfortable already. Did you drive? Did you drive in? Yeah, we drove all the way from Dallas.

Wow. No, you did not. Yes, sir. All in one day. Wait, what the fuck? All in one day. Wait a minute. Fuck the intro.

Why did you drive? There's this new thing. They're called aeroplanes, and they are super fucking fast, bro. We came up here to display tiny thinkers, books. I display my tiny thinker and nobody's fucking impressed. I'll just talk to the grown-up in the room. Just talk to Charlie. I'll talk to the grown-up at the table.

We came here for a giant book expo to display tiny thinkers and Charlie and the Tortoise. Look, when you put your tiny thinker in a giant expo, everybody's disappointed. It's very true. It just doesn't fit. You don't need to lube it off. You have to let them know you're in there, right? Yeah, you're like, hey, I'm in.

I got my tiny thinker in your giant expo. He's checking his phone. He's checking his phone. There it is. He's checking the time. It's 821, motherfucker. I've given you way more than seven minutes. Oh, Brandy would be impressed.

Okay. All right. It's a record. Here we go. Let's let David do the intro. Okay. As soon as he's done texting. There we go.

No, I'm pulling up something for you guys. Okay. There we go. Thank you. Yeah, no problem. I'll get to that in a second. No, I'm pulling up something for you guys. There we go. Thank you. No problem. I'll get to that in a second. Oh, that sounds great. I can't wait. You should put your phone down a little fucking heavier so everybody can hear it. Jesus, man.

Have you ever been in a recording studio? You don't put something else on your fucking table. It's not going to make a sound. Oh, yeah, right. Are you kidding me? That was... That's amazing. All right, I'll do your intro.

Here we go. I have heard some of your shows. On purpose? I get to six and a half to seven minutes of it. Fortunately, I've heard a lot of these. So you listen after foreplay? Just the intro. That's what I tell everybody.

I'm like, honey, can I just do the intro? I know, right? It's just like, look, if we get through the intro, at least I'm happy, right? Yeah. I treat cognitive dissonance like my wife would treat me. With disgust? I just let them put the tip in. The tip. Just the tip.

And then I'm done. Just the tip. Alright, here we go. Recording live from... Hey, just swallow a little in the back. It's okay. It's a little sticky. Alright, I'm going to do this. I'm going to try to do it as douchebaggy as he does. Okay, that's okay. Yeah. It's a little sticky. Yeah. All right. I'm going to do this. All right. And I'm going to do it.

I'm going to try to do it as douchebaggy as he does. Okay. That's going to be real hard. Good luck. There's a lot. Good luck. I got a lot of practice.

Yeah. Oh, man. I've been a terrible person for 38 years. Here we go. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago,

this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode, we blast anyone that gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political.

There's no welcome mat, and we read the same cheesy ass intro for every fucking episode. This is episode 293 of Cognitive Dissonance. Look at that! I would cheers you, David. Look at that! Yeah! Yes! Congratulations.

I would cheers you, but you drink in water. Sriracha, you fucking teetotaling bitch. Jesus Christ. It's good to see you, David. It's going to be good. It's good to see you, David. I'm glad you made it all the way to Glory Hole Studios. Now, let's talk a few minutes.

Could you make more noises? I'm doing it before. I know. I know. It it's okay i'm not even paying attention at this point jesus christ here's i'm gonna fucking hit him i'm gonna hit him i have to hit him i guess i'm gonna watch this you know what you know what jesus tell us about why you're here again and i and i i mean get a little more in depth on on what the these books are yeah no there's there's this um uh we have a series called Tiny Thinkers, and it's a series of children's books, and basically

we grab an actual scientist who's a real-life scientist and who changed the world or did something phenomenal, and then we write that story and retell the story as if they were a child when they went on their adventure, and then we write the book for ages four to eight, and I should have brought one.

Yeah, you should have. I'll make sure you guys get one. We'll just conceptualize it. That's all right. Yeah, and so it's really well done. It's really well produced. And it's just a really cool concept. And our very first one was about Charles Darwin

called Charlie and the Tortoise. And essentially, it's like this little boy named Charlie. He's about nine or ten years old. He goes on this journey, and he lands at the Galapagos Islands. And there he meets a tortoise that's 200 years old. And he starts noticing journey and he lands at the Galapagos Islands and there he meets a tortoise that's 200 years old. And he starts noticing these differences between the finches. Hey, these are still birds, but the beaks are different.

And so the tortoise is like, yeah, I've been here for 200 years. They didn't always look that way. I've seen the change. Oh, that's clever. That's clever. Yeah, right. So then we get to the end. Who thought of this? Yeah, well, you know what? It's kind of funny how it happened. There's a guy named M.J. Mouton who's involved in the secular community here and there's a great name and he um he basically he wrote these stories for his daughter just bedtime stories for her and i was

on tour and he was like hey man why don't you stop by the house and have some gumbo he lives in louisiana and i was like sure so we stopped. I actually did a show from his living room one day. And as I'm sitting there eating gumbo, he starts reading me this story that he wrote to his daughter. And I was like, we've got to put this thing in print. And so we put it in print. My graphic designers worked on it.

We hired an illustrator to work on the project. I did some editing on the book and changed a few things. But his brilliance, it shines through in this book. And it's very short. It's like 44 pages, I think. Very well illustrated. And when we released it, it sold the first 1,000 copies.

It sold out in six days. Dude, that's amazing. On Amazon. Bravo. We've just been so excited. We had to go back for a second print. We had to print 3,000 the second time. How many books in the series now?

Well, there are 40 books that are written. Oh, wow. 40 Tiny Thinker books. Did he write them all? Yeah. Holy fuck. He wrote every one of the stories. It's pretty cool.

That's amazing. And so we're over here at this expo. We've now brought in the guy who is responsible for launching Cabbage Patch Dolls and Care Bears. So he's going to help us. That'll never take. It probably won't. He's going to help us with- Bring in the guy that does the Beanie Babies.

Right. So he's going to help us with... Bring in the guy that does the Beanie Babies. Right. So he's going to help us launch it. Unless you've got the Furby guy you're just spinning your fucking wheels. I'll tell you what. Today at the Expo, Smithsonian requested a meeting with us. Wow.

We got the meeting, and we had the meeting, and during the meeting, the rep was saying, we want to stamp Smithsonian on these products, and we want to do some licensing and have you in all of our museums. Yeah, cool. It was just so awesome.

So nothing's finalized, but there's a lot of deals in the works. That's awesome. Now, are these books still available on Amazon? Yeah, absolutely. It's called Charlie and the Tortoise, or you can just search for Tiny Thinkers. Well, we'll get some of the links, and we'll post them on this episode's show notes for the website. That's awesome.

I appreciate that. What a wonderful idea. So we're reaching out episode show notes for the website. That's awesome. I appreciate that. What a wonderful idea. So we're reaching out and making that happen. Cool. That's awesome. That's great. Yeah, that's a terrific project.

Great to hear. So that's why we couldn't fly. We couldn't fly. We had to bring all these books and all this stuff and all this conference stuff. So yeah. No, I gotcha.

I gotcha. You'd have to chuck that bag at just like an extra 50 bucks. I'm just fucking exhausted. There's no way we could get the... What's wrong, C? So why are you hiding your face you you're a douchebag i'm so mean jesus christ i'm so mean well welcome to our home yeah it's weird being in studio this time yeah it's kind of cool i i gotta say it's pretty cool outside when i have to when i got ready to buzz in it literally says

glory hole studio it does absolutely right outside the door it says glory and it says it on the door when I got ready to buzz in, it literally says Glory Hole Studios. It does. Absolutely. And right outside the door, it says Glory Hole Studios. And it says it on the door. And there's a mat outside, a welcome mat outside. It's pretty impressive. I'll tell you what,

the best thing is when we have to shop or purchase for insurance. I bought insurance for the company the other day. We had to get it, general liability insurance. Is it an LLC? Yes. So I called up the other day and We had to get it, general liability insurance. Is it an LLC? Yes. So I called up the other day

and I had to get a liability insurance for our landlord just to satisfy a requirement. And I said, yeah. And she said, what's the name of your company? I said, Glory Hole Studios. And she snickered.

And it was terrific. We are going to do something which we've only done once before. And that is we are going to have you on the entire show today. Not just, you know, typically when we have a guest on they come in they do a story we do a little interview we call it a night they call it a night we all go our separate ways it's like a fucking tinder date right it means nothing to anybody exactly it's just fucking meaningless yeah but this bitch swiped right and we're taking him all the way downtown we're going

to prom i know right i'm loving it yeah Here we go. So, you're in? I'm in. Let's do it. Let's fucking do it. This is our first story. It's from the Washington Blade. Bahamian? How do you pronounce that? Bahamanian? Bahamian? Bohemian. No, it's not Bohemian. Alright, we're going to go with Bahamian.

Go with Bohemian, because I think that's probably better. Lawmaker proposes exile for transgendered people um i love this because the very first line makes me laugh out loud a bohemian lawmaker said on monday that transgender people should be exiled to an island says a guy who's on an island you're fucking what like i think there's a joke in there, a tasteful joke about an island becoming a peninsula, but I don't know it. I'm not tasteful enough to do it.

No, you're very much not. I'm not. You're very much not. Yeah. It's like, what, you got to go on a three-hour tour in order to get there? Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, we got to exile them. Motherfucker, you're the fucking governor or lawmaker or whatever for an actual small, meaningless

island. Where else would we send you? The Bahamas only matter because people like to fuck on the beach. That's the only reason anybody gives a shit about the Bahamas. In this little small town called Rockwall, Texas, just propose

this bill that you have to go to the bathroom that matches your birth certificate. The same shit they're doing in North Carolina. Are they checking birth certificates at the door? Well, that's the thing. Birth certificates federally are confidential documents. Oh, no shit. If a police officer pulls you over and says, I need to see your

driver's license, you have to show it. I need to see your insurance, you have to show it. They say, let me see your birth certificate. You can tell them to go fuck themselves. You can't. You can't force them to show it. You will. It would be, go fuck yourself. Don't tase me, bro. If a cop pulls me over and wants to see my anus, they can see it.

Be like, all right. I don't give a fuck. Do not tase me with your taser. It's like, spread them a little wider. Here it is, big guy. Here's the whole star. Check out the constellation of one! So anyway, back to something productive.

We went and protested with a bunch of people and protested city council and they overturned it and refused to make it law. Hell yeah! And the mayor didn't even get a actually, the most recent episode of Dogma Debate we're playing audio from the protest You know, I actually fell asleep to that last night.

Thank you. That's so sweet. I'm not sorry at all. I actually did. This is happening all over, though. This is endemic of a lot of different places all over the United States. I think what happened is that we've got this...

There's a bunch of people that are saying, you know, we kind of gave up on the gay issue. The gay issue now, we sort of lost that. They lost that, right? We can't really go anywhere from here. Where are we going to fucking plant our heels? And I think the transgender people is where they're planting their heels next.

And it's just another way for people to demonize transgender people. I can't tell you how many different people on my facebook and we're talking about i fucking block all the crazy conservatives on my facebook feed right that's weird i invite them on my show even see how different we are yet somehow kindred spirits i i will say this i i i when i'm looking at facebook what i want to see is my what what's happening with my friends. That's it.

My friends and my acquaintances. I don't care about politics normally. I don't really get involved in it. I don't get embroiled in it. I will see my good friends posting shit that is like pro-transgender and things. And then I'll see a comment once in a while about how they are predators and how people are dressing up as women to enter the bathroom and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And like,

like Tom and I had said in the past, fucking a sign doesn't stop someone from sexually assaulting someone. And just, that's not a preventative. That's one of the things we kept screaming at this protest. Sexual assault is already illegal. Yeah. Yeah.

That's all you need. But some of their, some of their stances are, this is just fear mongering. And, and the reason we speak out against fear mongering is because it results in shit like this. This is what happens. People, they, they happens people they they start saying it dehumanizes transgender

people ultimately that's what it does as a matter of fact during one of the um uh comments when one of the people were reading their thing their three minutes to city council they were saying things like i think i've seen one transgender my whole life just classifying them as as a section of people and then she rattles on about and thank you for getting the sex toys off the bottom shelves at target last year what wait a minute sex toys at target now hold on let me fit and then she says those people out there would probably approve of that too and i'm like whoa what she was saying is that target put sex toys on the bottom shelves in order to market sex toys to kids and that transgender people would be okay with that because fuck morality sure that was the concept right and so i went and i did some research on it

turns out total bullshit they had some 50 shades of gray stuff that came out and they were instructed to put them at the back of the of the adult health section one target and i mean one target put them on an end cap where it was uh check this out like new stuff was here and when you turned the corner there were toothbrushes that had like spider-man and spongebob on it and so that was how the rumor started that they were marketing them to children. And then this rumor mill just keeps rolling and rolling. Well, wait a minute, what do they have? I'm like, those Target-sell cock cages?

Like, what the fuck is going on? They're actually... It's got a little Target on it. It's like on the side, it's logo, it's branded. I've been to Target, and don't get me wrong, I'd fuck in a Target, but there's nothing sexy sold at a Target. What's happening in Texas?

No, no, no. Vibrating love rings. I have never seen that at a Target. It's a vibrating cock ring. I'm going to need the address for your Target. He's pulling one out of his pocket. I know. He's reaching into his pocket. There's vibrating love rings. Hang on a minute, guys. I know. He's reaching into his pocket. He's like, there's vibrating love rings. Hang on a minute, guys.

I carry a few. I carry a few. Just in case. Anytime I'm headed to Glory Hole Studios, I swing by Target. I'll tell you what, I always hit my Target.

They have lubricants? Yeah, that's true. That is true. Everybody's got lubricants. And they got condoms. No, no, no. They have 50 Shades of Grey brand special lubricants

that are flavored is there 50 shades of gray like like i gotta pin you down to use this lubricant like what the fuck is that that's a problem with the issue that's that's all i was wrapping up yeah yeah that's the problem with letting these rumors go people are like you're not transgender why do you care why do you speak up about it why go to a protest when you're not gay you're not trans who cares right it's because this this demonizing of this group of people leads to shit like this. Now they're being thrown off an island? Yeah. Really?

Suggesting it. It's just one dude, though. I know, but I'm saying this is how that fear breeds hate. I feel like, again, like I was talking about in my Facebook feed, people just lose their mind about this issue. And it's just the next group down. All it is is the next group down on the list that we can kick. It's like, who's next?

Who's next? Who's next? And it's always one more group that can be marginalized. But, you know, here's the thing that I find encouraging about that is eventually that group gets smaller and smaller as a percentage of population. And soon what they're doing is they're beating up on a percentage of the population that is so fucking minute. Yeah. That is so small that it's, it's, it's,

it's a David and Goliath and everybody loves fucking David and nobody loves Goliath. Everybody loves the underdog. It's impossible not to root against them. Right. And so the, the bigger you are and the harder you fight against, you know, a smaller and smaller subset of people, a smaller and smaller, more marginalized majority, the more you look like a bullying dickwad. And that is actually genuinely encouraging. It's like when whites were fucking shitting on black people in a more systematized way, right?

Like during Jim Crow, during segregation, all that. It kind of looks bad, right? And then, okay, that's gone. And then you've got the equality movement as far as women are concerned. And that's a 50-50, right, just by sheer fucking numbers. And okay, okay, we got through that. And now it's like, okay, it's gays. Well, now we're down to a small fraction of the population.

Now it's transgender. That's an even smaller fraction of the population. what's next what's after that you know well and you can hear you can hear pat robertson in one of the we're not going to listen to it today but i was i was doing some some research and reading some of the some listen to some of the audio clips to decide what we're going to listen to tonight and one of the things he said is he's talking about how you know fucking giant-cheeked voice like, well, there's only – only 1 percent of the population is transgender. That doesn't talk about the allies. You're not talking about allies to transgender people at all. What you're saying is there's 1 percent.

So that means I can kick them around. Well, that's bullshit because I'm not going to let you do it. David Smalley is not going to let you do it. All the people related that are involved in that protest that you went to and all the people up here that are involved in protests, all the people on my Facebook feed that are fighting against it. David Smalley's not going to let you do it. All the people related, you know, that are involved in that protest that you went to, and all the people up here that are involved in protests, all the people on my Facebook feed that are fighting against it. All those businesses in North Carolina that said, fuck you, we're not coming. You know, that is huge. That is happening. Like, what is, I don't know if that was a true story or not. I read that Michael Jordan was threatening to pull the Charlotte Hornets out of North

Carolina over this deal. He gave them like 30 days to repeal this. Now the U.S. Justice Department is saying it's unconstitutional. That's real change, man. That is progress. Fast, too. Fast, too, right? Yeah, that's huge. Yeah, you know why?

Because fucking money talks. That's right. And all the rest of this fucking hate-filled bigotry bullshit, they'll fucking cave on that shit as soon as it hits their pocket because they're cowards. If none of these businesses had threatened to leave North Carolina, if none of these businesses had said anything, if nobody canceled a tour going to North Carolina,

I don't think they'd give a damn. I think they'd fight the Justice Department. I think they'd do everything. They're getting nervous because money talks. That's exactly what it's about. Now it starts to make sense. Now I see you're shutting down freeways. You're shutting down.

I would be pissed off if I was stuck in that traffic. You're hurting people who already agree with you. It's not about that. It's an inconvenience to cause a financial strain. Then they're not going to make those types of decisions because you know what? There's some city council somewhere, and if you go back and listen to the last episode of Dogman Debate, you'll hear that. The whole episode? No, just

a few minutes of it. You don't have to fight through the whole thing. Just give me seven minutes, bro. I know, that's all you need. There's a section in there, multiple sections, where people come up to the mic and go, think about the economic cost. Look what happened in North Carolina.

Hilton, a representative from Hilton, walked up there and was like, we won't stand for this. We won't stay here. This is going to, we pay $750,000 a year in property taxes. That's going to go down. We won't sit here and deal with this. And then we had an attorney step up and say, I am offering to represent the first person who wants to sue the city over this, and I'm not going to charge them anything.

I'll represent them free of charge to sue this city. And he's telling the city council this. So they're thinking money, money, money, money, money. And then they didn't pass the bill. I mean, that's ultimately what it is. Yeah, because their ideology doesn't fucking matter to them. It's the money. Well, I thought that the point of the church was to worship God and the boy fucking was just incidental.

No, it's just the other way around. The point of the church is the boy fucking was just incidental. No, it's just the other way around. The point of the church is the boy fucking. All the other stuff is just busy work. So the story comes from the mirror, that bastion. It comes from a couple of different places. Now, I found it, I think, on The Guardian or something else. Yeah, I know. Independent movie or something.

Here's the thing, and I'll be perfectly blunt. I actually did double check to make sure this was a real story, and I purposely chose the mirror because it is the junkiest fucking website. Even trying to load this website, even trying to load this, it fucking takes longer than David Smalley in bed. It takes three, maybe four minutes for this thing to load. This is ridiculous. Charlie over here on your side, bro.

Thank you, buddy. I'm just saying. Pastor who gave spiritual discipline by spanking the bottoms of female congregation members jailed. I got to say... Can I just say one word? Caliente. That's all I want to say. I got to say, and we've spoken out pretty harshly against pastors and priests. Sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All the time. But this guy, I got to tell you, I can kind of get behind it. Oh, it's terrible. That's what I deal with every week. I just want to point out. I just want to point out one. Well, I want to point out several things, but one of the things I want to point out during the trial,

Curtis tried to justify this banking by citing a bizarre example by Smith Wigglesworth, a Victorian Pentecostal faith healer, Mr. Wigglesworth, who died in 1947, claimed to be able to cure cancer by punching sufferers. I feel like that's true. I feel like that is something that we need to be able to do. That's a legit dude named Wigglesworth. That's all I'm saying, Wigglesworth. But beyond that, I think that being able to punch people

to cure them of ailments, that's got to be a real legitimate treatment. I wonder if you could punch him to cure his stupid. No, it doesn't work. It just makes it so much worse. It makes it so much worse. There's a similar story. It doesn't make him less stupid. It just makes him slower. There's a similar story. You see that guy

that guy, I think he was in Africa. I believe he was in Africa where he was running across people, stepping on them, making all the women lay down and walking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up with this? It's as similar as anything. Here's what's up with it. These dudes love to spank chicks.

That's what's up with it. They're in a position of power and authority. This is cracks. I mean, I'll be honest. This shit cracks me up, right? Because here, I mean, in this same story, like he's spanked some chick's genitals like there has to be a moment where you're fucking smacking at her twat and she's got to be like wait a minute this isn't a legitimate spiritual enterprise like like there's a specific dialogue that goes along

with spanking of genitals where and it has a lot of, do you like that? I know, right? Oh, at times he did it when they were completely naked. Well, it's... Up to 20 different occasions. It is absolutely no fun if you're doing that over the clothes. That's like grabbing a titty over the clothes. It's like, eh, it's all right.

It's shapey, but no. She described the practice as putting her into a trance-like state. That's how I've described it to you? It's the shortest trance ever. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to Dissonance.Podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. send an email to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com.

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or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. All right, so this story comes from Right Wing Watch. This is Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck, here's what I love, is Glenn Beck has had the fucking hard-on of hard-ons for Ted Cruz. He's had the worst couple weeks, man.

I would say maybe the worst three months, because every chance that Cruz has had to win, he's lost. This is a guy who's got it so bad so fucking bad for america's least enticing person right yeah and then to get disappointed like you fucking got the hots basically for a fucking pile of garbage right and you're still rejected by that pile of garbage like You're like, hey, baby, what's going on? She's like, I got other options. Like, you literally have no other options. Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck is so fucking mad.

He says God must punish America, the whole country, for rejecting Ted Cruz because he ain't a bad dad. This is great. Let's listen to the clip. It's not Cruz, though. It's not Cruz. He's talking about God not being a bad dad. When we say we don't know what the Lord has in store for us, oh, I do. Thanks.

Thanks, Glenn. Yeah. Glad you know. I'm glad you know. All this time we've been wondering who he's talking to. It turns out it's Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck's like, yeah, well, I've got a fucking direct line to fucking God's fucking brain. He's not telling you.

He's just fucking telling this fucking 19 chinned man you know i i only give the information to men with a fucking like 12 chins that's all i get 11 chins i ain't gonna tell you i bang it out in morris coat on their chins you see it's like a bongos our uh our reaping of what we have sown so I really think this was the last reckoning for us. This was like, please, guys. You know, it's that old joke. I sent you a boat. I sent you a helicopter.

You know, no, the Lord's going to save me. No, I sent all those. I got it. We just continue to make the wrong choice. I got it. We just continue to make the wrong choice. So I would look for the things that we're supposed to learn as individuals. But I think the country and all of us as individuals are going to reap what we have sown. And there's nothing that's going to get us out of that. His consequences are eternal. Oh, my God.

It's only got, I mean, fucking eight years, Max, dude. It's not eternal. Didn't God also tell Ben Carson to run for president? He did. I think God didn't in the last election cycle. Didn't God tag team with like 60 people? He did. It was like Michelle Bachman got told. Oh, I mean, he was straight DPing all these people, man.

God was fucking in the front. He was in the back. He's finishing in the head. I mean, it's like Rick Perry ran because God told him to do. God's a dick. Like, here's the thing. God is fucking basically leaving a flaming bag of dog shit on your front door. That's what he's doing.

He's just pranking everybody. If any of this shit were true. Maybe God hates the Republican Party as much as we do. And is intentionally putting up their biggest idiots so that they'll destroy themselves. He's whispering to all the loons, and he's just saying, stay, buddy. I'm surprised he hasn't spoken to Glenn Beck yet to have him run. Glenn Beck would be an amazing presidential candidate. He would be an amazing presidential candidate.

You know how good he would be at debates, though? Seriously? Seriously? He would be good at debates. He's quick. Is he? Yeah, he's quick. He's charming to be good at debates. He's quick. Is he? Yeah, he's quick.

He's charming to a lot of people. He comes off really well. He's well-spoken. That would be scary. You think? Yeah. But is that scary? Why do you think he doesn't run?

Why do you think he hasn't run? You know, I know he has something going on with his brain. Did you know that? He's got an actual disorder. I'm unsurprised. Yeah, yeah no that's an actual thing i'm on we've we've actually had discussions about glenn beck we actually almost took glenn beck off the show because he seems at times he seems genuinely mentally ill he sounds crazy and there are and and we and i have an issue with like i'll beat up on anybody who's an asshole like right if

you're an asshole fine i'm fucking i'll take you to school all day twice on sunday but if you're an asshole, fine. I'll take you to school all day, twice on Sunday. But if you're honestly ill, if you're ill, I don't want to beat up on you. You know what I mean? It's not your fault. You know what I mean? It's not your fault. I don't know how much of it has to do with his thoughts, but I know that there's definitely some brain issues.

He finally came out and talked about it. Really unsurprising. He's clearly got some chin issues. I mean, he has no neck the man i mean like if he were to show up at to a debate just i mean like i feel like i feel like you could win a debate just be like let's just button our collars i have no let's all just button our shirt i have no idea how he fits this fucking the hole over his head i can't even know how it works i can't this is he needs like a shoe horn for his neck hole. And they are not judgments.

They're promises. You do this, and this is what happens. You do this, and this is what happens. Where is it in the Bible that if I elect Ted Cruz, I get a fucking Pez dispenser or whatever it is that he's offering, right? Like he makes it sound like there's a one for one. He makes it sound like there's some divine recognition that if I do the thing that Glenn Beck wants me to do, and

I know he's a Mormon, so maybe it's in the fucking Doctrine and Covenants or the Pearl of Great Price or the fucking Little Man in the Boat or whatever the fuck he calls that shit, but who cares? He makes it sound like this is something, right? But it's garbage. It's fucking, it's triple-ne makes it sound like this is something right but it's garbage it's fucking it's triple-necked gobbledygook like it's it's meaningless gibberish i'm supposed

to believe listening to this fucking bag of assholes here dressed in a suit i'm supposed to believe that if i do the thing god gives me a big snuggle hug and god's like i love you and he gives me a great big fucking snuggle hug why ain't got my fucking snuggle hugs from jesus i don't know what the thing is that he wants me to do and your fucking super old book that fucking revolves around goat herders doesn't tell me what i'm supposed to do about the goddamn electoral college if you are as devout as as glenn beck though i think you get a goiter i think that's the thing you get right, I think you get a goiter. I think that's the thing you get. Right in the neck, you get the goiter. Oh, what a joy.

That's all I can tell. What a present. Like a thyroid condition. It's like, I voted for the right guy. Here's enormous lymph nodes. Okay. Thanks, man. I already have that. I'm already grandly overweight.

I already have a lot of chins. I don't need another one. I can tell you, guys like this, I want to go to, like, it blows my mind that these people look at extreme Muslims and don't see the connection. Like, what you've done is you've made a metaphysical, quote-unquote, connection with your own internal conscience, and then decided that that is god so magically god always agrees with you because you're a god that you're talking about is inside you right so if you start liking ted cruz and ted cruz makes sense to you then obviously

ted cruz makes sense to god right it's the same reason you know extreme islamists flew airplanes into a fucking building. It's because that's what their God told them, and they believe that God is real. These guys are the Christian version of the fucking Taliban. It's the same mindset. It's the same concept. So when people ask me, and when I'm having Christians on my show, and I'm debating them, and they say,

well, you think these guys like Peter and Paul wouldn't have died for this if it really wasn't true? It has no bearing on whether it's true or not. I believe they believed it. Sure. But that doesn't mean it was true. And then I immediately say, so then Islam is the one true religion since terrorists flew planes into the building? People are going to die for it all the time. Oh, no, no, no.

They died for a falsehood. Then how do you know Peter and Paul didn't, right? It's the same concept. That's all this is. Glenn Beck has connected with his inner conscience, and he calls that God. Sure. He's decided God's favorite color is green, right? Because he fucking totes loves green. Great story, bro.

It's amazing that God agrees with you on all the shit you want him to agree with you on. The scary thing, though, is that there's a whole audience full of people, and this guy is not... There's a lot of people who believe that he is... He actually is something of a prophet. We did that.

So we're going to get that. Now, we can still turn to him, which all of us have done and said, and can say, help us make it easier. Help us learn from it. Help us help other people through it. But I don't think there's a savior running in on a white horse. What about Jesus? Isn't he supposed to ride a white horse? Flying back.

I thought he was supposed to ride a donkey. Oh, yeah. Doesn't that fucking stink pig ride a donkey? Yeah, Eeyore. He comes back. He comes back. I'm sad. That's what's taking him so long. Exactly.

Hey, guys. I don't want to go. He explains why he's 2,000 years later. I'm on this fucking sad donkey. Because, quite honestly, we're a petulant child. That we're the child that we have talked to, we have reasoned with, we have put in time out, we have grounded, we have spanked, and the behavior behavior is getting worse the last thing you do is right before the punishment coming and say you know what i'm gonna take all that away that would be a bad dad that would be a very bad dad and the one thing i know about god he ain't a bad dad he's

fucking absentee god's the fucking dad that went out for smokes and never came back no no no god drowned all his kids before i know right like he's the worst dad ever he's like he's like that crazy lady from texas who like drowned all her kids you know what i mean texas it's a fucking garbage state here's the thing like god if god is my fucking dad He's just fucking not around. It's like, hey, man, what should I do? What should I do? What should I do? That sounds like when I talk to my dad. Your dad's dead.

It is. He's ashes. It's funny because he's a corpse. He's a corpse. No, no, no. He's not a corpse. He's ash. Mine's just super judgmental.

So it's fine. Too uncomfortable for me. I know, David Smalley just shaking his head. David Smalley, I'll tell you what. That BJJ practice has really done you well because you've been tapping out all night. I know, right? You've been tapping out all night, all night long. Every conversation, he's just like, sorry, bro.

I'm out. I don't want to do it. I can't talk about Charlie's dead dad. I can't do it. Can't do it. I'll talk about your dead dad. I will too. I don't want to do it. I can't talk about Charlie's dead dad. I can't do it. Can't do it. I'll talk about your dead dad. I will too. No.

God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. So this story comes from Right Wing Watch. Gordon Klingenschmitt ties himself in knots trying to defend discrimination against atheists. discrimination against atheists. This guy, and I feel incumbent upon myself to remind our listeners every time that Colorado elected this person as an actual

lawmaker. This fucking douchebag is an actual elected official. In America, in Colorado. It's like President Trump. That's what it's going to be like. Why are you saying that? Okay, what's going on with the President Trump. It's like President Trump. That's what it's going to be like. Why are you saying that? Okay, what's going on with the President Trump thing?

Why do you make me so mad? He hates the idea that Trump could possibly be the next president. He's not. There's no possible. There is a possible way. No, there's no fucking possible way. Can I tell you the possible way? Yeah.

Tell me how it's going to happen. Quick formula. Here's the possible way. Tell me. Hillary Clinton dies. She explodes. Self-immolates. Has a stroke.

She's like one of those guys who emulates themselves and they cancel it. What has to happen to her? Here's the formula. The big committee that's messing with her email scandal bullshit, right? That nobody cares about. That has found nothing.

That they don't care about yet. There's a reason why they don't. Because they've found nothing? Sorry. Does he do this to you all the time? I do that to everybody. I'm an asshole. The people that are going to bring this against him, are going to bring this against Hillary. You're saying they're delaying it. They're intentionally delaying it because Bernie

is doing enough against Hillary. Bernie is squeaky clean. There's nothing wrong with him, right? Except for his age. Past wise. Past wise. He's six months... He's only six months older than Trump.

Really? Yeah. He looks like he's a fucking Crypt Trigger. He's only six months older than Trump. Jesus Christ. So here's the thing. Trump looks like he could take a fucking 12th wife right now. They're intentionally delaying it.

And then after, once Hillary becomes a nominee, because if they bring it out now, they're only going to help Bernie. That's not true. He's five years older than Trump. Are you serious? 69 for Trump, 74 for Bernie. That's a big five. Really?

Yeah. I just looked at it. I literally just looked at it. I was wrong. Yeah. I just wanted to say. I'm going to mark this on a calendar. Wow. David Smalley was wrong. I think what you're I was wrong. Yeah. I just wanted to say. I'm going to mark this on a calendar. David

Smalley was wrong. I think what you're saying is that I think Hillary is that. I think their age is similar. I think Hillary and Trump's age is similar. I think that's where you might have got confused. Okay. So. Just the facts. It's only the facts. I'm going to keep this in the

show, though. I want to keep. Yeah, go ahead. I definitely want to keep this in the show. It's the one time I've been wrong in 2016. You might as well keep it. But here's what's going to happen. Yeah, that's what it is. She's 68. They're intentionally saving it. She's 68 and a half.

So they're intentionally saving it because if they let it out now. It makes him so mad. He's trying to be serious. 68 and a half is YouTube me now and I'll see you later. I got you. I got you. I got you. Don't worry. You there with me?

Don't worry. Not today. You there with me? Not today. Not today. Oh, God. Not tomorrow either, probably. God.

But I got you down the road. Here's a fucking... Could you imagine... Here's the dream. Ménage à trois, Martha Stewart, Hillary Clinton. That'd be amazing, don't you think? They're such perfectionists. They would do a great job.

Here's the thing. They'd fucking... You'd be done. You'd look down. There'd be a fucking thank you card and a fucking doily on your dick. You'd be like, what the fuck? The bed is made and there's cookies. You're like, what the fuck?

You're like, I got fucking fresh squeezed lemonade. A man can dream. Oh, man. So David Smalley, you were making good. I feel like I ruined this poor man. Why would you show up? Bernie is squeaky clean. Bernie is squeaky clean.

Let's stop there. Hillary is a dirty dirt. If they released it now, they would help Bernie. Right. Then they would have a hard time beating Bernie. Bernie pulls higher than all of them all the time. So they're intentionally saving it. And then when Hillary gets the nomination...

Who's they? They're going to bring it out. The committee that's investigating... Are they mostly Republicans? Yeah. Okay. The ones that brought out her committee and did the, what was it called? It wasn't a deposition.

Was it a deposition? I don't know. It was the whole thing where she had to testify for 11 hours. No, there is no group of, I hear what you're saying, that there is a logic to it, but I will dispute it with this. Nobody in the world hates Hillary Clinton more than more than the republican party they've hated her for 25 years they're gonna hate her for the next 25 years but they know she's easier to beat than bernie she pulls so much harder than i mean she's fucking straight both bernie and hillary

in every national poll are face fucking trump i will say this yes they are that's not true she is she is only true on one poll. On one poll, she's only two points higher than Trump. And on another poll, she's tied with Trump. I want to say Bernie is beating Trump by 20 points. I have never seen a poll where she's even remotely close. Is it a reputable poll? I was wrong about his age. So who knows?

Is it a reputable poll? I'm not fucking with you. Is it a reputable poll? Is it like a Gallup or like a Pew or something like we're talking about? Like a real. No, no, no. I'll have to find... No, no, no. I'll have to find it.

It was... Because everything I've seen, she's fucking straight fisting. It was on Young Turks. I will say this. Can I... I want to say this, though. Are you on this program? They wound up...

I'm sorry. I love you, dude. I'm the guy who mixes it, Tom. I'm the guy who edits you out of the whole show. I don't know what you're... There's just going to be silence where you were. have you ever actually heard an episode of the show? No, he doesn't listen after it. How did I listen to the show?

Yeah, he doesn't listen after the show. So he doesn't know that it's all just you? Yeah, he doesn't know yet. Jesus. In any case, I just read a story today, and this was from NBC. This was from a reputable news source. They said that people were leaving. This is an exit poll from West Virginia now it's just from West Virginia

but I don't know how I mean I don't know how no this was weird I will say they came out and they were in black lung they were just like hacking they couldn't actually pull them they just took they just took lung samples from them yeah they're just like

they're dipping q-tips in their mouth shine your fucking helmet on the candidate you like. And to get them into the polling place, they go up and down with the light in order for them to move forward. If you could blow the top off a mountain for the candidate you like. But the guys that were voting for Bernie when they were leaving, they were polling people and asking. And four out of ten people said that they would vote for Trump if Bernie didn't make it four out of 10 people. Really?

That's what 40% of the people there, 40% of Bernie supporters. So you combine that. Sell my soul. You can buy it. That's just West Virginia. I'm not saying that's all over the country. That's the concept.

Yeah, but that's where your mom and mamas are from. A lot of Bernie supporters are so pissed off at Hillary. They're like, I'll give this country what they deserve. I'll give you what you deserve. You're going to let Hillary take this away from Bernie? And that's the mindset they're going with is, I will support Trump before I support Hillary. Now, it could be right now just because they're pissed off because it's the primaries.

Yeah. But you combine that mentality. Undoubtedly, some will absolutely do it. You combine that mentality with the email thing that they are going to focus on, that's how it's possible to have a President Trump. It's possible. It is so deeply unlikely. I agree with you, and I hope you never have.

I'd bet four paychecks on it. I'd bet two months' worth of my salary that he does not become president. I really would. If you bet two months of your salary and I win it, we're getting engaged. Don't make promises you can't keep because I'll do some shit on our honeymoon, bitch. I'll make you pay. All right. We're going to listen to Gordon Klingenschmitt, an elected official like President Trump.

Jesus. For me, it seems pretty obvious, and we do have constitutional issues here, but the parents should be the ones determining what their children learn at school. No. That's not how a curriculum works. What the fuck? I go to school as a parent. I've got kids. I don't go to school and be like, yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say no to algebra.

I'm going to say we're not doing algebra i'm gonna say i'm gonna say we're not doing it i only bought them this abacus i can't afford a graphing calculator i'm not gonna do i'm not gonna go i'm gonna say go i'm gonna go ahead and go on a limb here and say no to american history i want him to learn fucking japanese history that's not how it works right right and so if if a parent is an atheist parent and you have a child that you want to be raised atheist, I understand that. There may be a scholarship opportunity for them. But to advertise atheist scholarships to all of the Christian students or the Jewish students or even the homosexual students. What?

Even the homosexual students. Those filthy fucking garbage people. What? That doesn't students. Those filthy fucking garbage people. What? That doesn't even make any sense. We shouldn't advertise an atheist scholarship to people that aren't atheists because then what he's saying is that we'll expose the concept of atheism to religious people. That's what's embedded there, right?

Right. And those religious people will get like, oh, money. I'll sell out God. This is a Judas moment. But I don't understand when he's talking like, oh, money. I'll sell out God. This is a Judas moment. But I don't understand when he's talking about gay people, though. Well, the gays were religious until they realized that all the religious people hate them. So this started with the Freedom From Religion Foundation offering scholarships, and the district officials refused to include them on a list of scholarships that was distributed to students.

Who offers that? Freedom from Religion Foundation. Okay. That'll never work. They were offering the scholarships, and then the elected officials said, here are all the places that offer scholarships, and they took FFRF off of there. FFRF is Dan Barker's group. Yeah, yeah.

FFRF took them off of there, because why? Why doesn't he play it? Why doesn't he want them to have a scholarship? To say that everyone should be able to get this money if you just renounce your faith. That doesn't even make any sense because if you're an atheist, you've already gone through the process of renouncing your faith. It's not like I'm going to be a money grubber and say,

well, I'll just make it up. But more than that, there's plenty of kids, and this is what he doesn't want to say, there's plenty of kids that are raised without faith. My kids can't renounce their faith. They never had any, right? Your kid's probably the same boat, right? Like, my son could no more

renounce his faith than he could grow wings and fly. He has no faith. I mean, occasionally he'll read, like he reads these Rick Riordan books about like Zeus and stuff, and he's kind of interested in that, but he's not a fucking Greek.

He doesn't believe that Zeus is a thing. Well, the issue here is, it's gobbledygook. The issue here is, FFRF was offering scholarships to people, and they took them off the list, but they left groups on that are overtly religious, saying you can come to our schools, and here's the scholarship.

Right. And you know what's going to happen? When you walk in day one, you have to sign a statement of faith saying that you believe in Jesus Christ as your Savior. The sad part about it is if they go in and refuse to sign that statement of faith, they don't get the money. Yeah, I know. So they're take faith, they don't get the money. Yeah, I know.

So their take, but they take off the atheist group. That to me is itself unconstitutional. There is no place for atheist recruiters to come into your schools. What is an atheist recruiter? What does that even mean? What would you get out of it? What? Nothing.

What would you get? Why would you even do it? Come join my not church church. It seems really boring. Right? I'm an atheist recruiter. Come not go to church with me. Wait, how will we go together? I don't know, but the carpool is easy. Like... And recruit children to violate their parents'

religion. Now, there is a place for Christians to come into schools because... Yeah, long pause! Long pause! Take a minute. Long fucking pause, you motherfucker! Have you ever invited this guy on your show? No, I would love to have him.

Oh, please invite him. Please fucking invite him. I think you would accept. David, I think you would face fuck this guy. You would fucking wreck this dude in six ways from Sunday. Dude, his mascara would fucking run. I know you were saying earlier, like. You would fucking wreck this dude. Dude, his mess scarab would fucking run. I know you were saying earlier, like, Glenn Beck is smart on his feet. This guy is a dullard.

This guy is an absolute dullard. The children are Christian, being raised by Christian parents, and a majority of the families in Lancaster, California, are Christian families. Hold on, hold on. Okay, okay, okay. This is where... I want you to unleash on this shit, okay. This is where... I want you to unleash on this shit. This is where we go back to...

I've only seen one transgender person in my life, so they don't even need to piss. Right. Don't let them go anywhere. That's where this concept comes from. Since there's not very many of them, we can kick them around. And I think what was happening in his head was this.

He was going, okay, it's okay for Christians to do it because those kids were raised Christian. And then in his brain he thought, some kids are raised atheist. I better add something to this shit. Gotta add it. And that broke his brain.

And then he was like, and the Christians are the majority. That doesn't matter. The majority doesn't get to dictate their beliefs on everybody else. But hold on a second. Isn't it the case that the majority is all that matters and that the minority is an inconsequential

that we don't have to pay attention to? No. That's not true. I will protest this show. I will stand out front. Yeah, one person will notice and it'll be you. The glory hole has got to go. And so for an opportunity to be offered

to a Christian child has got to go. And so for an opportunity to be offered to a Christian child that if they write an essay about God that they should get a Christian scholarship money, that's not bribery. They're keeping their own religion. You're not converting anybody. That's the thing. Are you that stupid?

Are you that dense? You're not converting anyone. First off, he's thinking you're deconverting, right dense? You're not converting anyone. You're not decon. That's. And first off, you're, you're D he's thinking you're deconverting, right? Right. So you're not deconverting anybody. If they're already a fucking atheist, why would a kid,

why would a Christian kid, you grew up a Christian kid, right? I did. I grew up a Christian kid. I would never have considered in my wildest dreams, applying for an atheist scholarship. Really?

Never in my wildest dreams. Would I ever scholarship really never in my wildest dreams would i ever thought because i would have i would applied for a fucking lesbian scholarship i if there's money on the table there's nothing i would i would have written a thing it was like dude let me tell you as a proud black man like i don't give a fuck let me there's money on the table i'd put cigarettes out of my eyelids i don't give a shit i wouldn't have done it i would i would have done all of it i wouldn't have done it when i wouldn't have done all of it. I wouldn't have done it. When I was in a band, I used to be a lead singer of a band. We got...

How'd you guys do? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, dude. Well, I signed a record deal and toured the country for a year. Okay. All right. Okay. I can't help it. I can't help it. I quit my job at Discount Tire for nine months. All right. I can't help it.

I can't help it. I quit my job at Discount Tire for nine months. Take that. Suck it, Tom. I gave up a minimum wage job for slightly more than minimum wage job. Dang, it was seven bucks an hour that I walked away from. You're watching, baby. I was making $56 a day.

Listen to this. No, they only let me work four hours. But hey. No, so we got the chance to open for a band called Drowning Pool, who was huge. And they were on their way up at the time. Yeah, yeah, sure. And that song, Let the Bodies.

That was actually a big song during the Iraq War, actually. It was a huge song during the Iraq War. It was. It was played like this during the Iraq War. It was. It was played like this. I'm not even fucking around. Soldiers played that song like crazy out of their fucking Humphies. It was a big song during the Iraq War. So we got the chance to open up for them.

I heard that song before it ever made it to MTV and all that stuff. Yeah, man. We got ready to open up for them, and I found out that their lead singer was an atheist, and I considered not even opening up for them fuck you did you really i'm trying to tell you how deep that shit ran and i wasn't even calling myself that's gallbladder deep bro i wasn't even calling myself a christian at the time i was probably 20 21 i had abandoned the whole concept of it and i was on my way to saying i'm an atheist because i had done all my research and i, but I was afraid of the word atheist.

When I found out he was an atheist, we almost didn't go play with it. Really? Yeah. Holy shit. So applying for an atheist scholarship, there's no way in hell. That to me... I was working with a guy one time who said he was an atheist, and I literally felt sick to my stomach.

I thought, oh, you poor guy. Cecil, did you feel the same way? I would apply for kangaroo scholarships. I thought, oh, you poor guy. Cecil, did you feel the same way? I would apply for kangaroo scholarships. Look it back on it. I totally agree with you. School is hella expensive. I'm being serious. I applied for... I was not religious, and I applied

for a Methodist scholarship because I could fill out the form. Did you get it? No, I wasn't Methodist, but I filled out the form. I filled out every scholarship application that I could find. I would have filled out a scholarship application and sold Girl Scout cookies. You're looking at it in a totally different light. Right.

I know. I'm looking at it from a guy who thinks his soul is going to go away to a bad place. Yeah, that's the bridge I can't cross. Of course you're never going to get there. But I looked at it as – and I used to get the same feeling when people would talk about devil worshipers and they'd talk about Satan. I used to get the same feeling, that same feeling in the pit of your stomach, like, oh my gosh, that's crazy. Can I ask a question about opening up for Drowning Pool? Yeah.

Did the bodies hit the floor? Lots of bodies hit the floor in the mosh pit. Okay. I also opened – and you'll have fun with this one, for Vanilla Ice. Wow. When he came back and did his metal thing. Oh, yeah? Now, before you opened, did you have to stop and then collaborate?

And then listen? I've never heard that joke before. I'm glad we could help you relive that moment. Last one, we also opened. No, don't be done. Don't be done. We have so much more terrible shit to say.

I was a drummer for a band that opened up for Pantera, too. Really? I grabbed a watch once out of the bottom of... I fell down in a Pantera mosh pit and I found a very nice watch at the bottom of the pit.

It hit me in the head when I fell down. I was like, oh, a watch. It's a pretty great watch. I wore it for years. We have a super cut of Pantera. Here was like, oh, a watch. It's a pretty great watch. I wore it for years. We have a super cut of Pantera. Here it is. Oh, no.

I am not a parrot. This is Tom's favorite band. This is. I love these fucking guys. The lead singer is my fucking jam, man. fucking jam, man. That's a parrot. What is in my ears right now?

So that's a parrot shrieking death metal lyrics and the band is called Hatebeak and that song is called Bird Seeds of Vengeance. Is this a real thing? Yes. Well, real-ish.

Not much different from most of the speed metal albums, I gotta say. I think he's saying I'm a pretty bird in there. I'm not sure, but I think he's saying that. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers? I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. So this story comes from Right Wing Watch. This is actually from their Paranoia Rama section, and it's pretty great. We're going to start with a clip from the inimitable, the one, the only,

the Ann Skeletor Coulter. Reagan got, I think it was 54% of the white vote. Romney got 59% of the white vote. The country in 1980 was about 90% white. Now it's about 62% white, though still only 72 who can vote. 30 percentage points in 30 years? That doesn't sound right. I mean, I'm not a status scientist. You don't think that sounds right,

that the country is getting less and less white every year? 30 years is a significant amount. That's a full generation. It is, but that's... 25 years is considered a generation. 30%. That's a full generation. 30% in 30 years?

That's a lot. Yeah, it's a significant amount. Considering the population boost that's happened in the last, what, 50, 60 years? I think some of those scientists who get on this because i think this is actual like data that they can use that once you go black you never go back it's i mean that shit is fucking straight verifiable that's why that's why it's my first fucking question when speed dating like have you gone black

because i feel like that's nothing but disappointment from here forward so from here on out yeah no all right let me buy you another glass of wine i would like to introduce you to two inches of fury are you familiar with the irish yeah i'm gonna actually have to fuck you twice if if if something drastic isn't done right away it is going to be george mcgovern's america it's going to be la raza's america it is going to be uganda basically ug America. It is going to be Uganda, basically. Uganda? Wait, Uganda wants to kill people for being gay.

Why is it going to be Uganda? Then why does she want Uganda to happen here? I think she's just saying that we're all going to be black. And she's super mad about it because she's really pale. No. That's what she's saying. Because the whole preface is about how America is getting brown.

Reagan got, I think it was 54% of the white vote. Romney got 59% of the white vote. The country in 1980 was about 90% white. Now it's about 62% white, though still only 72 who can vote. If something drastic isn't done right away, it is going to be George McGovern's America. It's going to be LaRosa's America. It is going to be Uganda basically. Right. She's saying we're going to

get fucking black. What she wants to do is she wants to couch this in statistics and she wants to couch this in some other terms and she's too much of a fucking skeletor coward to admit her fucking Ku Klux Klan white hood racism. And she should fucking have some fucking balls and

say it if that's what she really fucking means. Now, isn't La Raza Hispanic though? It doesn't matter. Her whole complaint is about the brownification of America. That's her whole fucking complaint here. Uganda though? That's where she goes? I think, well, because they have the segregation

and because there's, they can literally put you in prison for being gay. Yeah, yeah. There's a huge documentary about it called God Loves Uganda. If you haven't seen that, watch it. Watch it and cry and then punch your TV. That's fucking crazy, dude. I think it's the booming Hispanic population as well, not just because of immigration, but also because of Catholics.

And a lot of Hispanics are Catholics, and there's no birth control. So there's lots and lots of babies coming out of Hispanic families. There's a lot of reasons why the white population is going away in America, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. I don't think it's – I don't think it's a bad thing either, but it's something cowards like this are afraid of. And get used to having segregated

buses and subways as they have in India and Mexico because of the way women are treated and sexually abused there. Get used to your little girls being raped and... Isn't she fucking conflating a lot of shit? It sounds like she's saying the more non-whites we have the more rape and crime is going to go up right and the more misogyny right she's saying we're going to segregate based on on she's saying we're not

going to segregate based on gender but but she but she started that off with you know the brownification of america she didn't want to say it but that's what she's saying so the brownification of america is going to lead to a gender stratified country? Why? Why would that be the case? She refuses to draw the line. She refuses to make the connection. She's just going to say one thing after the next thing

and assume that the audience will connect the fucking dot for her. That's what Trump does all the time. She's good at that too. He says, what's your policy? It's going to be great. It's going to be way better than this shit. It's going to be fantastic. It's going to be pretty much the best policy ever that you can imagine. That's what he said all the time.

Stick a microphone in his supporter's face and say, why is it going to be great? Well, he can't tell us. Other people will take his ideas. And so guess what? They get to make up whatever awesome shit they would do and go, that's what Trump's going to do. He's getting them on their side. She's doing the exact same thing that you're saying, Tom. That's exactly what she's doing.

She's just throwing out two things and going, look, I'm not saying anything, you know, but Tom did visit the house and the little boy's butthole hurts. I don't know. I don't know. So without saying it, I'm just going to let you guys put the pieces together. And being pregnant, get used to not being able to go to your national parks because they're being burnt down. I don't know. So without saying it, I'm just going to let you guys put the pieces together. And being pregnant, get used to not being able to go to your national parks because they're being burnt down. Pot farms are being grown there. What the fuck is – what world is she living in?

Your national parks are being burnt down and pot farms are being grown there. Remember that time you went to Yosemite and it was just a fucking pot farm? My thing is that that seems counterproductive to the pot farm when you're burning it down. Right. Oh, we burned it down. Well, I mean, you burn it down. You burn it down. It's premature. You burn it down after you pick it.

Right. That's when you that's when you fire that shit up. Pesticides dumped all over. I wish this were hyperbole and you were being a cartoon version of Ann Coulter. But no, unfortunately, everything could be a cartoon version of Ann Coulter, but no, unfortunately, everything is the same. She could be a cartoon version of Ann Coulter. What would that even look like? She would basically be like a swastika with feet. Okay, so the next one we're going to do is this Alex Jones one from the same article.

I just want you guys to scroll down until you see Alex Jones in a lizard mask. I saw that. It's amazing. It's amazing. This is Alex Jones talking the whole time in a lizard mask. I saw that. It's amazing. It's amazing. This is Alex Jones talking the whole time in a lizard mask. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Do you think he changes?

Oh, have you heard the clip yet, Tom? No. Do you think he changes his voice or does he do his regular Alex Jones? Does he change it or no? I'm not sure how Alex Jones could change Alex Jones' voice to sound crazier than Alex Jones. I'm going to say he changes his voice. Really?

I'm going to say he does. All right, so here we go. We got one vote for him and one vote for him. I'm going to go against. Here we go. It is absolutely reasonable to have the government run your health care. He changed his voice! He changed his voice!

Yeah, he's doing his best Winston Churchill. Oh, my God! He changed his voice! Shall not go quietly into the night. Oh, my God! All right, here we go. Does that reptile mask have a monocle? It kind of looks like it.

It does kind of look like a monocle. Yeah, it's got a top hat. He's certainly, certainly like dressed to impress forget all the secret testing that's been done against the population all the syphilis and the vaccines the cancer viruses it is completely reasonable to do whatever we say we care about you and are going to take great care of you. I personally absolutely love L-O-V-E. I

tip my hat to the new world order. He's taking his hat off. He's taking his hat off. He looks like fucking Gamera. It's amazing. This guy can't tell when he's a farce of himself. That's the truth.

He literally believes in lizard people. Yeah, I know, because he's had David Icke on his program as a guest a number of times. He's an expert guest. David Icke, the guy who's like, yo, it's fucking lizard people running the country. This is somebody who's like, oh, that's a guy we should book. We gotta get a guy whose last name is Icke

who believes in lizard people running the country. That guy ever been on Dogma Debate? No. Couldn't guess that guy. It's a shame. I know. I'd love to have him, though. If you ever get David Ick, can I please, can I please come on the show?

I know you don't want me on your show. I respect that. I actually feel like that's a mark in your favor. I understand wholeheartedly. I have never been more sure of a no in my entire life. God damn it! And suggest all of you drink

more fluoride. And the men and women fight with each other and your families break up because the state on my planet I meant in my neighborhood is absolutely king this is a beautiful system being set up that would make and all fiddler Jeffrey Dahmer and Joe Stalin absolutely proud is Jeffrey Dahmer have to do it Jeffrey Dahmer is just one dude who ate fucking

gay kids what does he have to do with Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin? I want to throw Mao in there. Right. You're just picking some dude who's like, I like to eat gay dudes. Really? What does that have to do with fucking Hitler? What does that have to do? Hitler killed gay people.

I don't know. What does that have to do? It's just like a weird. I mean, I guess if you come right down to it. Yeah, right. It's just for a weird... I mean, I guess if you come right down to it. Yeah, right. It's just for your tactics. He's trying to label, list everything that he knows you'd be terrified of. Why didn't he just say spiders?

You know, like... Right. That's pretty much what he's doing. Why isn't he just like spiders and balls from tall buildings and the boogeyman and waking up not knowing where your classes are and running around your old high school? Like, why didn't he just name things people are generally afraid of? Why can't he just be more like old aunt coulter and say black people right you know wrong with him this is a system where we can feed i mean help all of you continue I thought we would actually help you out a little bit. And, well, give you Obamacare, which would be the most fabulous.

Oh, shit. There's another dude over here with a skull mask. Fuck off. I'm coming over. with a skull mask. Fuck off. I'm coming over. I swear to you. Hold on. I will say this. This guy, if I have ever seen a juggalo in my life, it's this guy.

Oh, look at that dude. Look at that fucking chunky monkey. Look at that. There's a fucking dude in a reptile mask interviewing a fucking fat man in a fucking skeleton mask. Is this cognitive dissonance? Here we go. And glorious program you've ever seen. And that's why we're all wearing our fancy duds today,

as fancy dandies, here with our good friend Obamacare, who joins us. Is this guy going to have an accent? Is he going to be British too? Oh, this is going to be amazing. Now we get to decide whether or not Is this guy going to have an accent? Is he going to be British too? This is going to be amazing. Now we get to decide whether or not this guy is going to have an accent. So what do you think,

Tom? Accent or no accent? I've got to go no accent. I'm doubling down. You're doubling down on no accent. How would I know what his regular voice sounds like? Just plain American? Yeah, like yours. I hope Obamacare sounds like Hillbilly God. I think he's going to sound, I'm going to go with like a Satan deep growling. Oh, deep growly voice.

Like Alex Jones? I like it. More like a Satan. Like an Alex Jones type. Yeah. To discuss all that is planned for you and grandma. How are you, Herbie? Fresh meat.

How is your hernia? How is your homosexualosexuality? How's your homosexuality? Doing pretty good, bro. I know. I've been on Grindr three times today. I'm basically shooting fucking powdered pixie sticks out of my dick at this point. Time to face my boy.

I'm watching you. Oh, I'm watching you. Isn't it good? Take your hats off. Look at you. Oh, I'm watching you. Isn't it good? Take your hats off. Look at you, Obamacare. They don't even know what to say. Seriously, I've watched the late night Channel 4. It's the local station, and there's just these idiots up there that have no idea what's going on.

That's way more entertaining than what – I mean, I can't believe that this is a thing that's happening. I really can't. I guess I'm missing the whole lizard people thing. I must have been under a rock. I have no idea what you're talking about. Is he referencing that, whatever that is, by wearing this lizard... Yeah, there's a

conspiracy theory espoused by David Icke that says that America, and the whole world, right? Like all the major leaders. Basically V. The show V, the show. It's a documentary. The show V, which was a miniseries, I think, on one of the major networks twice.

It was both when I was a child and then later on. Never heard of it. Okay. Where these, you ever see the movie They Live? No. never heard of it okay where these you ever see the movie they live no okay so in america we have this thing called tv and they and they stream programming to the to the i'm trying to think of another i know what other movies are like this that have this okay it's like it's a trope that is constantly in movies it's a pod people trope right like? Invasion of the Body Snatchers. No, sorry. Fucking.

Motherfucking what is happening here? Cocoon? No, that's fucking. Not the same thing. No, that's old people getting young in a fucking lagoon. That's different. Okay, so no, that's not all. What it is, this is a secret society that is somehow controlling all of humanity, and

they're keeping their identity secret as lizard people so they are they look like you and i they act like you and i they talk they they look like humans but they're actually lizard people that are controlling government and people believe this why lizards because lizards are more scary than ostriches. Because V. Because that's where they got the idea from, probably. Yeah, because we have a pictured... I think that because there's something innate about human beings that see lizards as primordial. We've been afraid of them since time immemorial.

It's archetypal, I think, in our being. So I think we've seen... Like snakes. Aliens. Yeah, we've seen aliens as being lizard-like since we've seen like snakes, aliens. We've seen aliens as being lizard like since we've invented the idea of aliens, right? So if something's going to take over, it's going to be some

sort of reptilian fucking nonsense. So that's what this is all. That's why he's wearing the mask and that's why he's... But I don't get the way... Well, I mean, I understand why he's talking to his skull because he thinks people are going to die in Obamacare. Obamacare is like the Grim Reaper. Yeah, but I'm very curious how this guy's homosexuality is, so I kind of want to continue.

I can suck the flesh off your head like a dying child, an aborted fetus. Oh, the beauty of it, the rapture. Oh, you're a liberal. Give me a Peace Prize. Torture, murder, death. Peace Prize. Give me a peace prize Torture, murder, death

Peace prize He's just saying things I'm gonna suck the flesh off your head Like a dying child Is that what we do? Is that what he does with dying children? He just sucks the fucking flesh off their heads? What?

You're just making a lot of noise Like David fucking Smalley over here I'm not that bad Stop bumping your mic, Tom God I'm gonna kill you both Stop it And your mic, Tom. God, dude. I'm going to kill you both. Stop it. And this is the last known photo of these two.

Peace, prize, or you're a racist against lizards. Racist! Racist! What the fuck is he saying? He's just yelling stuff. It's like the guy has Tourette's. I'm sorry. Go ahead, my friend.

How is your racism? Are we here? Where are we? What is happening? Why is this a thing? Actually, I think that guy just broke the fourth wall, Tom, and asked you how your racism was. I don't know. How should it be?

I don't know. It's brown? I don't know. I'm not sure. Hopefully, it's non-existent if there's an editor on this show. Right? I don't even understand's brown I don't know Hopefully it's non-existent if there's an editor on this show I don't even understand how that question works How's your racism?

I don't know I'm mad at it for being in me It's not a thing I don't know that that question has ever been uttered I just wonder I can see it going How's your racism now? But not how's your racism? How's the tea?

You know, who's out curb stomping a black man earlier today? Right, right. Well, I just don't understand. Okay, you guys are all lost on how your racism is. I'm wondering how fucking why Obamacare is even asking the question. Like, you're the embodiment of Obamacare. Shouldn't you be asking questions about, like, how can I kill you or whatever? What does racism the embodiment of Obamacare. Shouldn't you be asking questions about, like, how can I kill you or whatever?

What does racism have to do with Obamacare? No, because he provided it. I think Obamacare is allowing it. So he's like, how's this going? I see. How's your cancer? Ah, if you don't accept all the vaccines, you're racist. I want to know.

If you don't do whatever I say, you're racist. You don't get vaccines, you're racist? That's what he said. I don't do whatever I say, you're a racist! You don't get vaccines, you're racist? That's what he said! I... I don't... I can't... I know. There's still a little more though, Tom. Oh my god. Let me know things about you! Racist, racist, racist, racist, racist!

Sue! Racist! Racist! He sounds like Stewie now. Racist! Racist! We'll get that! Flagellate yourself with a bullwhip immediately! He sounds like Stewie now. Razorst! Razorst! Flagellate yourself with a bullwhip immediately! Well, that concludes this transmission, ladies and gentlemen. See how proud he looked of himself when he pulled that mask off? He's like, I nailed that skit.

I fucking crushed it. Man, did I make a fucking point. I am super happy that we were able to talk to you about lizard people. I didn't, I mean, I thought for sure that the skeptic community was totally on board with the lizard people. Never heard of it. Wow. Well, now you've got to read, like, the books, like David X books. Dude, it's fucking wild.

It's like if the Illuminati were all bearded dragons. It's like iguanas run the world. Right. For no reason, like they just – and there will be people who – I would say don't read the books. I would say just look up the Wikipedia page and call that shit a day. Don't spend a lot of time. But we saw something like that long ago where somebody went to court and they were like, yeah, I don't accept a judgment from the judge because he's a lizard person.

Yeah. And I saw him change right before my eyes. Nobody else saw it. No. But I saw his true lizard face, so probably. Are you kidding me? You've got to be kidding me. No, man.

I'm fucking dead serious. I saw his lizard face. Yeah. It was like a lizard. Like he was like, ah, and he's just like at a guanid. He was like, and he's just like an iguana. He pulled off the mask and then he said I would have made it if it wasn't for you meddling kids. That's why those judges had to have

a heat lamp above them. Because if they don't, they don't make a judgment. You're shaking the cage. You're like, hey, wake up. I need a judgment. They're all lethargic. They're like, I'm a judgment. They're all lethargic. They're like, I'm so tired. Okay, we're going to take 15 minutes for recess,

and the guy's like choking on a rat in the corner. He's like gets a $5 foot long, he unhitches his jaw. And then the whole time the judges sit there, he's got this giant lump in his throat that you just watch it go down. You got a clap on the back. There's a shell. What the fuck is that?

What's going on back there? He's got like fucking spines and shit. He's just climbing up the window again. He bites the stenographer at a certain point. He's got those gecko hands. So we'd like to thank all of our patrons, of course, but we'd like to thank the most current patrons,

the ones who just donated this week. the most current patrons, the ones who just donated this week, Angie, Shaladeen, Matt, Rees, Mr. Y, Wayne, Ethan, David, Nicholas, David again, Russell, Paul, Dave, Brian, Robert, Captain Argus, Firecrouch. There's got to be one every week. Right. Jennifer, Matt, Wilson, and Angus, thank you also very much for your generous donations.

Your donations go a long way to making sure this show happens and to ordering pizza for our guests tonight. So thanks to everybody for donating money to the show. They've changed my mind about Chicago. That's how... The pizza's that good. The pizza's that good. Yeah. It's spectacular. It spectacular it's not pizza guys it's a ketchup tomato bread bowl well fuck

you eli eli wouldn't know pizza if it bit him in the dick he wouldn't all right we got a few emails we'd like to talk about here uh the first one is from jack and jack sent in a king diamond call to prayer now you said you were in the metal area. Do you remember King Diamond? I actually know King Diamond's wife. Do you really? I do. I remember this guy. Now, this guy... Wait, you know

Queen Diamond? And their son, Jack? I'm sorry. I had to do it. That's good. I had to. That's good. You guys are funny. Someone has to do it. That's good. I had to. That's good. You guys are funny. Someone has to be in this room. Jesus Christ.

So I remember, though, as a kid listening, a friend of mine listening to King Diamond, and he was an open Satanist. When did you get a chance to... It was after, right? No, no, no they did say introduce you they moved to europe for a long time and came back and completely unrelated i actually met her in an auto zone that's how weird it was we met we were looking at she was looking at steering wheel covers and we just started talking and she's like you know and she started talking like she's my king diamond

i was like i was in this band in 2000 and she's like oh my god, and she started talking to me. She's like, King Diamond. I was like, oh, I was in this band in 2000. And she's like, oh my God. So we had some similar friends and we talked. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, it's pretty cool. So this is a call to prayer that someone mixed for us with King Diamond. Nicely done. At least that's the perfect length. I know.

Good for you, Jack. Well done, Jack. Thank you so much for that. That's amazing. We did ask last time, we have our hillbillies here in the United States. Who's the hillbillies in different countries? And so I just want to play this.

This is supposed to be an Irish hillbilly in a sense. And I just want to play like a very short clip of what this guy sounds like. I say to him and Ryan, I think you will have to change because I don't, I don't agree with all this story about climate change at all. What's happening? I think he just ordered a bowl of Lucky Charms. What is happening? I think, I think he's magically the worst. I feel like, I feel like the only way to say that is to click your heels together. You better

be in a full green outfit with a cane with a clover head. You gotta have a black belt with a fucking brass buckle in order to say that shit. I totally do. The next email is from Matthew, and Matthew says that there are comparable hillbillies.

It's country bumpkins. You may know their accent as stereotypical pirate accent. I love that. They're just walking around. Yar! They're walking around with scurvy. They have, like, a fucking peg leg. Tom, this last week we talked about bed and breakfasts,

and Tom, you had said that you stayed in Saugatuck, and you thought Saugatuck was a shithole with tchotchke shops. It's not a shit. It's nice, right? Like, it's nice in the sense that, like, if you want to buy shit that assholes buy, you could buy it at Saugatuck. Okay, that's fair.

Right? It's clean. That's fair. It's not like New York. It's clean, right? It's fair. It's clean. It's not like New York. It's clean, right? It's not piled with garbage. It's not like Houston. But when I say it's nice, it's Michigan nice. Okay, that's fair. It's a different kind of nice.

So this particular person said that this is Will, and Will had said that it is a bunch of tchotchke and garbage shops. However, it's one of the nicer towns in the area, except for all the people in the area warn everyone else from going there

because there's a large homosexual population. So he said, even as a young man, he would just drive through, even if they wanted to stop at McDonald's, they wouldn't be able to stop. I think it's great. Out here, we have like fucking Harvey. You know what I mean?

You're like, yeah, you don't want to go there. You want to stay. The McDonald's in Harvey? Don't stop at the, yeah, yeah. You fucking see I mean? You're like, yeah, you don't want to go there. You want to stay. Don't stop at the, yeah, you fucking see the pasta toots outside. The ones you can buy with fucking takeout pasta. Yeah, those ones. Stay away from there.

Yeah, exactly. Like there's a fucking, there's a cage on the currency exchange. You know what I mean? Like Harvey is a terrifying area. When a 20-piece chicken nuggets will get you a threesome. And you still get nuggets. That's amazing. All right.

I didn't get this one, David. Maybe you do. This might be a listener to your show. It says, hi, guys. I'd like to hear Smalley read this particular sentence in his best Sci-10 booger. was it Booger Cart? What is that? Saiten Bruggenkate.

That's what I said. He's a Christian apologist. Booger Cart. Booger Cart, right? Booger Cart. That's what it says. Doesn't know what it says? Am I reading that wrong?

No, he's that guy, and he was in a debate. I'm trying to remember who he debated, but he was so atrociously awful in his debate that it became... It could make him a debate. I'm trying to remember who he debated, but he was so atrociously awful in his debate that it became... It could make him a joke. Oh, Psy! That's the one! Who did he debate? Matt Dillahunty. Matt didn't even have to show up.

Yeah. Alright, so he wants to say... Did you moderate that debate? Yeah, I was the moderator. Can you do a voice? It was in Memphis, Tennessee. Can you do a Psy voice? His voice is just nasally and very northern, and it's just weird. So you should nail it. Okay. So he sounds like no illusions?

Is that what you're saying? More like Tom, I think. More kind of hurts my broken, dead soul. Okay. And he talks really fast so that you can't really keep up with what he's saying. He's wanting me to read this. He says, okay. And this is something he's actually said before.

He's actually said this? Here we go. You see, okay. And this is something he's actually said before. He's actually said this? Here we go. You see, the problem is without God is you can't know anything. So, you know, you have to borrow from my worldview. So here's the thing. You need to repent. You could die in the night. Bravo!

There you go. Nicely done, sir. First take. Nicely done. Look at that. First take. All right. So we have a friend from England.

This is Dave Thomas, not the owner of Wendy's. That guy's dead. This is a different Dave Thomas. Dave Thomas would like you to say the following. Go right ahead. I have no idea what... Rugged baby buggy bumpers. I don't know what it means either, dude.

It's just a tug twister. I don't know. It's great. It's a tug twister. Yeah, it's like she sells seashells by the seashore or whatever. It's the same thing, right? So now Adam Reeks from The Herd Mentality sent this list in for you to read. Oh, God.

And he may or may not use this in the future. So I block him and he goes through you guys to contact me. So what Tom and I are going to do, I'm going to turn Tom and I's mics off so even our laughter won't come through because we want to make sure that he gets the cleanest recording possible. Oh, he wants...

See, that's how this works. Take it like a man. Come on now. You know he's going to do something good with it. I'm thinking of a way to destroy this for him. Oh, I know how I can do it. I'm thinking of a way to destroy this for him. Oh! I know how I can do it. All right, read it in an Australian accent.

I'll do it as Alex Jones in a lizard mask. The herd mentality. All right, whenever you're ready. The herd mentality? Do it all as a question and completely screw up his whole recording. It's so funny. So he just wants me to say them normally so we can put it into a conversation. I know how hard that must be.

Maybe. So I'm going to have to say it all weird. Sure. Here we go. Cognitive dissonance? That's a hole. Glory. Donald Trump's daughter?

Yes. No. Every day, sometimes twice. Alex Jones? Do it. Toilet cubicles? Never heard of it. No. Yes. Do it. Just do it. Toilet cubicles. Never heard of it. No.

Yes. No. Do it. Just do it. Just do it. Yes. No. You got to do it.

You got to do it. That's bad. I'm already thinking about his crazy ass. That's going to be bad. Just do it. It's going to be great. Preschoolers. Ken Ham's Titan Arc.

A PhD in proctology. Yes, this is my favorite. Say it. 24-hour broadcast. No, fuck. Oh, no. Fucker. No, come on.

I don't see it. I don't see it. Come on. There must be a Titan. Come on. You know what? That's going to be hard to edit. I'll say this.

Podcast-a-thon. Fuck man. Cecil's got skills. That's amazing. So we got, last week we played a clip of Glenn Beck, and this is someone said that that actually wasn't the original audio. This is the original audio. This is what he really meant.

And Carly walked in, and all all ted said tears rolling down his cheeks yes but the cunt i would say the same thing back to him try this was a suicide mission it's over there was a possibility that it was over and everybody in the room was trying to convince him to stay in nice that is yes but the cunt. I love that. Well done. Tom, we finally got a story about a

professor that met a student who listens to our show. We did. It says, I'm a college professor at a small

school in western Iowa, and it's always been a dream of mine to have an interaction. I think when

you're in Iowa, your dreams are small. To have an interaction with a student that leads us to find out that

we're both fans of your show. What happened today, except we're both fans of your show. What happened today, except I wasn't listening to your show, I was listening to god-awful movies in my office with the door closed, but unlocked. A freshman student walked in and about three or four seconds of gamcast played, which consisted of a loud expletive followed by laughter. The student excitedly said,

Are you listening to Cognitive Dissonance? I replied, No, I'm listening to god-awful movies. The student instantly lost his big grin and then he said, oh well, glory hole anyways. I replied, glory hole to you too, what do you need? He then just proceeded to go about asking his question. He came to my office hours to ask.

The funniest bit is that I quit my job teaching to take a post-graduate study program overseas and it's finals week, so I'll probably never see this student again. I haven't stopped giggling about it since he left my office. Terrific. I think that's amazing. I think that's great. That is awesome. And actually, I happen to know

who Zach is. Do you? Zach is an awesome guy. I actually know who he is. He's a fan of Dogma Debate too. He probably doesn't admit that in public. Nobody does. Brandy won't even say it out loud. Brilliant sound guy too. He's awesome. He's a brilliant... Brandy won't even say it out loud. Brilliant sound guy, too. He's awesome.

He's a good guy. All right. So, David, if people were going to find your podcast, where would they look? TheThinkingAtheist.com. That's a much higher quality show. Jesus. Where's the other? Dogma Debate.

The show's called Dogma Debate. It looked at me like, are you really just going to leave it there? Why not? Awesome. Dogma Debate. The show's called Dogma Debate. It looked at me like, are you really just going to leave it there? Well, no. Awesome. Dogma Debate. Okay. You can find it anywhere. DogmaDebate.com's a good place.

Yeah, it's a good place. We're everywhere. iTunes, Stitcher. So, David, thank you very much for joining us today, putting up with Tom. I understand. I do it every week. I understand the kind of things you have to do.

But we want to thank you for coming in. We really do appreciate it. Thanks, man. Deep down, I like you have to do. But we want to thank you for coming in. We really do appreciate it. Thanks, man. Deep down, I like you, Cecil. Well, you know, we talked about it earlier. If there's a chance Tom moves on,

maybe, you know, we'll work something out, but you've got to read The Skeptic's Creed. You know, this is your test run. So we're going to leave you, like we always do, except for this time, we're going to have David read it with The Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble toy in trouble, pseudo quasi alternate shit.

I'm not keeping that. I'm keeping that in. You just start wherever you want. Just power through it, buddy. Just power through it. Pseudo-quasi-alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram. God damn it. I got you, bro.

Pyramidal free energy healing, water downward spiral brain, deadpan sales pitch, late night in docutainment. Info docutainment. Fuck you, Tom. This is breaking my heart so bad. Why?

It's just I'm butchering it. It's so bad. I've done voiceovers my whole life, and this is the most clusterfuck. I've done voiceovers my whole life and this is the most clusterfuck shit I've ever heard in my life. He's not lying. It's going to be a challenge now

to get this shit down. Alright, here we go. Infodocutainment. Infodocutainment. Leo Pisces. Cancer cures. Detox. Reflex.

Foot massage. Death in towers. Tarot cards. Psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata nonsense expose your sides thrust your hands bloody evidential conclusion conclusive doubt even this yes well done i felt like i felt like

i felt like while tom while you were reading it tom was on the side like the guy line you know like that guy you know that's a that's a jumble fuck that's what we call that and the voiceover and the voiceover i'm the guy that would sit and do 90 reads of call 800-213-7146 like that for hours and hours and hours and hours and that's hard to read numbers just start looking like zero zero zero, zero, zero, zero, fucking shoot me. After a while, you're like, screw this.

And that's a difficult, that's a difficult voiceover. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those

of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. Guys, I need to read a little bit of an email. If I can. Yeah, go right ahead. I mean, is this a bathroom bill email? No, it's not like you're in the middle of a story or anything. Listen to this.

Oh, God. A fan heard I was coming to Chicago. And she was like, hey, I'd love to meet you. My husband and I are big fans. Yeah. And then everybody does this. So your wife sends emails. Whenever they write me, and anytime they're going to mention you guys,

they apologize to me. And they should. They're like, I'm sorry, but I kind of like cognitive dissonance. That's kind of how I get it. But I wanted to read this bit for you. Hold on. I want to let you know. We get a lot of insulting emails to Dogma Debate.

So if you read something insulting to us, I will break out the bad emails we get to Dogma Debate. Trust me. I'm just saying. Hey, all the bad shit you get about Dogma Debate, they copy me. I get it. I know. I don't care. I'm just going to read a little bit. It's just kind of funny. She says, we are huge fans of cognitive dissonance, which I feel requires

an explanation. As a therapist... Anyway, she talked about having a really heavy job and that's why you guys are you know you're kind of like uh bubble gum for the brain uh-huh yeah no yeah that's i'm good that's good i'm okay with that i'm totally fine with that everybody everybody has their place yeah absolutely everybody has absolutely yeah