Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 300: Deep Inside the Gloryhole with Thomas Smith - Part 1

Episode Date: June 20, 2016

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey guys, it's Susan Tribble from Holy Crap, the vlog cast. We just talked about this guy with the lizard people, the lead visitors, and the lower fourth dimensional beings. They're not all bad, but they're not all good. Is it just me, or does this sound very suspiciously like the premise of the Transformers? You don't know that they're there, but they're there. Some of them are good, and some of them are bad.

But, you know, if you know what to look for, sound waves will show enough that he's a transforming boombox, or some little shitter. Well, have a great day. Bye-bye. Hey, Tom and Cecil. This is Kyle. Just sitting here listening to this episode, 299, and I had a quick correction for you guys.

Specifically, Tom. There's this common misconception going around that alien truckers actually prefer to stop at Earth because women there are the easiest. However, I'm actually just leaving Earth now, headed to Mars. My boss, Mr. Baker, had his reptilian army load up the truck with like 10 tons of bucket shit.

Regardless, I've heard from many guys, although I've never been, Tom, that the easiest place is actually Uranus. But with that being said, glory hole, motherfuckers. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory hole studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way we bring critical thinking skepticism and irreverence to any topic that makes the news makes makes it big, or makes us mad.

It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode, no shit, even I can't get this wrong, three muh-fuckin' hundred. 300 episodes, and we are joined by Thomas, from Thomas and the Bible, from Comedy Shoeshine, and from Atheistically Speaking, the man who has a job and still has three podcasts. I don't understand how you could possibly get all that done. Welcome to actual Glory Hole Studios in Chicago. I am so excited to be here.

You look excited. I have a question. If there is no welcome mat, then what did I put my dick through when I got here? Was that not a welcome mat? That was an anus. Oh, okay. That was an anus. Yeah.

Well, I thought the way the doorbell system worked for your studio was you put your dick in the mat. No, that's a homeless man, and he tricked you. Well, okay. I know that now. You knew that then. You didn't care. He had a sign on him that says, I am a homeless man, and I I know that now. You knew that then. You didn't care. Foolish me.

He had a sign on him that says, I am a homeless man and I am tricking you. You still fucked him in the butt. Yeah, well, when Cecil didn't answer the door, that's when I was tipped off. Like, oh, this isn't just the door. Just the tiptoe. No, I am so excited to be here. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is just like maximum fucking excited and negative 5 is David Smalley. I am so excited to be here. Just take your standard scale.

The low end of every scale is David Smalley, but that's because he's little. He's a little guy he's just when they when they line up all the kids to hit the pinata he's the first and that pinata is fucking it's not even damaged it's not even damaged yeah he hits it directly full force the parents confidently let him go. They don't even... They're like, should we get a picture of the pinata first? No, no, it'll be fine. We can get a picture after.

They give him an AK-47. He shows up with a baseball bat with nails in it. They're just like, ah, let him go. Let him go. That little tight nose. He won't get any bubble gum out of there just fine so you flew all the way here from california just to visit little old cecil and i thank you so much for joining us as an in-studio guys we're glad to have you that yeah thank you for having me i flew on an all kid. It was one of those weird 100% kid, Lord of the Flies-style flights.

They served pig heads. It was an enormous number of kids. It was like 12 kids. It surrounded me. Well, we import them. That's the thing. Here in Chicago, we import them. What are you doing to all these kids in Chicago?

They have to be here because David Smalley was here. It's like a pilgrimage they make. You have to feed them. David Smalley was here. It's like a pilgrimage they make. You have to feed him. He's like, feed me, children! And your city is as sweaty as balls can get. It is the definition of a sweaty balls city.

Okay, fair enough. How many piles of garbage did you see in the street, though? I didn't see any, but if if i did the garbage's balls would have been like the sweatiest garbage balls oh that's fair that's fair i will say i will say in our city's great defense that it is only hot and humid for three months and then it is freezing fucking cold it's freezing fucking cold for like yeah nine straight that was what i was because i'm so sick of the hot the heat in california i was like oh i'll go someplace where it won't be and no it's it's hot here

it's hot and fucking sweaty but other than that i am so hot let me see if i can complain about anything else let's see you know the hotel wasn't no i'm just kidding it's great to be here i love you guys i'm you know it really is it's a pleasure to actually be here and put my dick in that weird dummy in the flesh. That's what you do with it, right? Everybody comes in. That's what you did with it. Now it's fucking ruined. Thanks, Thomas.

Everything in your studio, I thought, the whole point, stop me where I have a misunderstanding. So everything in your studio is for putting your dick in, right? Just what part of that did I get on the wrong track? No, yeah, so far so good. The only problem is that Gary used to kind of have like a surprised happy face, and now he has a surprised sad face. Actually, it's not even sad, it's just disappointed. It's just like, that's all you got?

Yeah, you know how they say, turn that frown upside down? The opposite happened. It was, yeah. The opposite happened. He. The opposite happened. He's like, I have fucking seen more wood at the factory. Are you kidding me? So we're not starting this week with David Icke. We're going to move him to later on in the show.

We're going to talk a little bit about the David Icke book, The Biggest Secret, later on. One of the things that we're thinking is we're going to shift it back to the back of the show. We'd like some suggestions on bumper so if there's somebody out there wants to maybe take a stab at making a bumper that we can play before we read this horrible book or talk about this horrible i know you do but that's why i like it i think that's why i like it as much you know you're looking at me yeah it's like aggression no i like it there's an aggression i like it i fucking love chapter three fuck you nobody loved no chapter three is fucking where it's at that's all i'm saying christ my suggestion

my suggestion for a bumper is just tom just yelling so it'll be like and up next and then that's how you know it would be good good, yeah. So if somebody wants to make a good bumper. So an orgasm sound. You're at that level where it's like. Actually, it's an orgasm that leads right into a snore. I thought it was at that level where it's equal parts like pain. Uncle Tom. Uncle Tom, wake up, Uncle Tom.

That's dirty and creepy and weird but truthful. Oh, fuck. Let's talk about the age of consent some more. So we're going to put that later on in the show. So if you want to make a bumper for it, send it to dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. So Thomas, how close are you to – I mean how close in comparison to like you saw how far we were in this book. Oh my god. We're probably going to beat you at the Bible, right?

I mean how close are you? Oh, we can beat him? Yeah. With books? Yeah. That sounds great. Well, you're reading a chapter a week though. I mean you're kind of cheating. How is that Yeah. That sounds great. Well, you're reading a chapter a week, though. I mean, you're kind of cheating.

How is that cheating? That's consistency. How is that cheating? What are the fucking rules? Here's why it's cheating. There's no way you could summarize that entire chapter in an episode. You're going to pick and choose a few things. But if you tried to take the audience through everything that was in that motherfucking chapter we'd be here all night it would never how would you know you didn't even

read it that's what that's exactly four hour flight you had nothing else to do but listen to kids screaming jerk off to how the fuck would you know how would you know i read it i read it you read some of it i read it four hours. I read most of it. It's 20 pages. I read enough to where when the English teacher does the quiz, like I'll pass. That's lazier than me. How the fuck do you get lazier than me? Question A, are there lizards?

Yes. Like that's, okay, that's one. Oh. I'm flabbergasted by this. Okay, so the last time thomas was several times ago remember tom thomas came up with a shirt idea do you remember that he gave the all all the animals all the animals favorite shirt it's the arc it's the arc shirt and it says all the animals were harmed in the making of this story like you came up with the joke and we stole your idea yeah it's a great joke i have no memory of this we made a lot of money we made like 12 i mean i remember all of this and you'll be hearing from my lawyers so but now you just gave me an idea not we're not just going to read this we're going to create

a study guide for this we are yeah that sounds so much fun that like sounds like so much fun you know that tom cecil's going to create a study guide Cecil's going to create a study guide for this. No, we are going to create a study guide for this. Here's what we should do. Quizzes for each other. Quizzes each week? Quizzes. Quizzes. What do you think? Multiple choice. I think that's a disaster. It's a great idea. I don't want to do this. It's such a bad book. I don't even want to read it, much less engage

it in any meaningful way. You didn't even read it! There's a four-hour flight! That's how bad it is. I need something else to throw at it is i could have had a flight to one of these lizard planets that lasted a hundred years i wouldn't have read it any number of hours there's anything i could do would be better than reading this book anything you seriously got on an airplane and flew all the way across the country just to sit here and talk to us

and you couldn't do the fucking 20 pages of preparation. That's like fucking the one thing we asked you to do. Oh, it's so good. And then you did it. It's fucking, no, I'm not done with you. It's fucking five o'clock in the afternoon. Even if you didn't read it on the plane, you had fucking literally all day during the day. You had a fucking full day from the time you fucking woke even if you didn't read it on the plane you had fucking literally all day

during the day you had a fucking full day from the time you fucking woke up and you didn't i asked you how'd you enjoy the city i fucking slept in and did nothing all day yes you did you fucking said i slept in i fucking did nothing i know i'm i'm so far down in points and i i did fuck that hobo outside i'm down i'm in negative 10 let's say so what bible update okay so i will be finishing in october that's been a constant deadline we're gonna beat you we're gonna yeah yeah beat the shit out of you we're gonna rock your shit we're gonna we're gonna totally waste and this book's this book's not it's a fucking textbook that is a i didn't see it until i came in here that is this is not a casual lizard book

it's not the carrot feeding of a bearded dragon right like this is a real this guy is fucking into lizards like he's like this is like his thing is this is page after page detail after detail this is why i had to know i read something i know my eyes passed over it once look i i scanned that i bet you we would do equally on a quiz about it because it's impossible to remember all of it it's impossible that's fair that is that's actually it is tell me which direction the fucking babylonians move you don't know it's fucking stupid so the bible i'm fucking sidetracked like glad that you like you guys know i mean listeners will probably know i mean that was the first appearance i ever made

with you guys was talking about starting that show way back when. And now I'm all the way going to be done pretty soon. I've got like, I don't know, 16 weeks left. Our little boy is growing up. Yeah.

That's great. That's really great. And I'm finally to the, you know, most of the way done with the New Testament or like halfway done with the New Testament.

What's next though after that though? I don't know. It's a surprise. Revelation is where it ends. I know. Yeah. But what are you going to do afterwards? Are you going to read?

Oh, I'm sorry. I might do, it's either Book of Mormon or Quran. I know. Yeah. But what are you going to do afterwards? Are you going to read? Oh, I'm sorry. I might do either Book of Mormon or Quran. I don't know. I mean, I think that was the plan all along. I don't think anybody's reading the Quran. I was going to say a bunch of people. The Quran would be a good book to read. I don't think anyone's done it well.

Scathing Atheist is doing it. But anyway. I don't think anybody's reading the Quran. I'm not sure it's being done well. Yeah. The Book of Mormon, my mormon guy is done yes he's done david michael you'd have to drop your voice like 14 octaves in order to do it the dude who literally emailed me to say like hey i'm ripping off your show are you happy and i was like no i'm not not i didn't like that no but uh go ahead good luck do it yes so just go just just do the book better oh yeah

no i i and i told him from the beginning because he was like you could you know give me pointers do it i was like i can't i'm not i'm not gonna listen because i need to not rip you off like i haven't listened to anybody do the quran i listen to scathing atheists every week i skip that section because like i don't want to make the same jokes i don't want to hear somebody do the thing i'm going to do but anyway uh new testament here's the thing i'm learning the one thing that i could i could bring to it did you know that paul who went by saul everybody's got a different fucking name in this book like everybody they can't have one name right they have to like well he was this and then later on he's like you know i'm gonna just rebrand myself and beat it so i call him the new coat he called his marketing guy yeah he was paul zero crystal paul

now he just goes by yeezy yeah exactly and so he rebranded his paul i guess and so i call him pasal just for fun because it's a combination but did you know that he just made up the whole thing like he i didn't know this about about christianity he just what what else did you know that he just made up the whole thing? Like he, I didn't know this about Christianity. He just took it over. What else did you think he was going to have done? No, I thought, okay, here's how I thought Christianity worked. And you guys maybe knew more about this. I thought Jesus existed, did whatever, whatever he did, allegedly.

His disciples wrote some shit, and then people like followed it, and that's Christianity. That's what I thought. Not the case. Jesus did whatever pasal decided he had a fucking vision yeah and he fell off his horse on the road to damascus and then he's like i'm gonna make up an entire fucking religion and and tell you all what to do all the time and he writes all these letters to towns he goes to towns he's like yeah guys here's what you need to do you need to do this and this and to towns he goes to towns he's like yeah guys here's

what you need to do you need to do this and this and this and then he leaves and everyone's like what the fuck was that who's this guy telling us what to do about our religion and then he monitors them from afar and when he when they don't do what he wants he's like i'm gonna write him a fucking bitchy letter that's what i'm gonna do dear galatians holy shit he was like he was like the ancient UN. Kind of. Yeah, yeah. Butchie letters to people. Yeah, that's the entirety of his –

Dear Galatians, you aren't doing those things I told you to do the other day. Someone's going to have to come visit. And just that's the whole New Testament. It's just him telling people like – and he constantly reminds – you know people have like one claim to fame. They're always reminding you. So I don't know if I've told you this, but on the road to Damascus i uh yeah i saw jesus so you better listen to me what i'm fucking telling you he brings it up all the time every conversation sounds like a real dick he's the word he made up the whole thing i had no idea i really didn't know that going into it because i i didn't read

it you know i knew what what i now i read some of the new testament but not all of it and my impression was that it was, that there was something going on already and that he basically just switched sides. That's what I had thought. Well, yeah, because he did, he was a Jew and he persecuted Christians. Right. And so he did switch sides.

But the Christians were just following right around Jesus. Later on when he wrote all this, I mean, I think he took the time to fucking write out all the D&D rules to the fucking religion. And did you know that his stuff actually predates the Gospels? Every time you ask, did you know, my answer is no.

No. That's interesting, isn't it? It predates the Gospels. Yeah, it predates the Gospels. I had no idea. It's like 10 years, I think, it predates something like that. I mean, it's all estimates. Who the fuck knows? However, I have been have many exceptions i think you can't attend a wedding if you hold up a sign that reads leviticus 2013 i think i think that would be appropriate i think that would be appropriate yeah that you could attend a wedding and hold up the sign leviticus 2013 and you know word for word a man sleeps with a man as he sleeps with a woman the

two of them have committed abomination they shall both be put to death i mean you could you could attend a wedding and hold up that sign so if you get an invitation to a homosexual and i guess david comes down to if you bake a cake for a homosexual wedding you could put live niggas 2013 on the cake so i want to talk about this story from the friendly atheist blog um this is uh in reference to the nightclub massacre uh this is fucking pastor steven anderson who i think of all of the pastors that we've covered is the one i most want to fist fight. Like I so dislike. I would love to see that.

Actually, I think that would be a good fight. I mean, good fight in the sense that I would like to watch it. Not a good fight in the sense that it would be even. I so dislike this guy on a deep and personal level. He's a fucking monster. Yeah. And I said, and I will address it right here. I said on Twitter and on Facebook that he could do with a nice case of bone cancer way to go tom you're gonna give him bone cancer and people were like oh you're

wishing hate on the hateful and i'm like look man fucking wishing doesn't make it so that is a short just so everybody is fucking clear that is a shorthand for this guy is a monstrous douchebag yeah and i wouldn't care if he had bone right if tomorrow the next story is fucking pastor steven anderson collapses in utter agony from bone cancer i'd get lunch yeah right i'd be like huh salad bar i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck and you won't either after you hear what he has to say yeah let's play we're gonna play a clip the good thing is, is that earlier this week, this was posted and then it was taken down off Facebook for the hate speech. And so then we should talk about that. Yeah. And so then we wound up they wound up reposting a mirror of this. So luckily we have the audio for it.

Hey, everybody. Pastor Steven Anderson here from Faithful Word Baptist Church in Tempe, Arizona. church in Tempe, Arizona. And I just wanted to record a quick video about the news this morning about the shooting in Orlando. I guess a Muslim terrorist went into a gay bar and shot him up. And there's 50 sodomites, homosexuals that have been killed and another 50 some odd injured. And then the Muslim guy himself was shot shot by the police it sounds like and here's the good news and the bad news about this you know the good news is that there's 50 less pedophiles in this world because you know these homosexuals are a bunch of disgusting perverts and pedophiles you're shaking your head so just here here's the good news and the bad news what can you say after that that's that's anything like um 50 people were murdered hold on here's the good news and the bad news. What can you say after that? That's anything.

Like, oh, 50 people were murdered. Hold on. Here's the good news. The good news is we're going out for ice cream. The good news, it better be completely unrelated to what you just said. Exactly. The good news is. The good news is my wife is pregnant.

There's all these things that you could say, but none of them have to do with someone dying. Yeah, website traffic up 10%. That's the good news. Yeah, for me. Sorry, I bring that up now. I was not related. Good news is we have a new marketing team. The bad news is we have a new marketing team, and they told me to lead with this story.

Yeah, I like that he's immediately conflating. He does this every time. He conflates pedophiles with gay people. He says, and he's immediately conflating. He does this every time. He conflates pedophiles with gay people. He says, and he does this all the time. And it's not just unique to Pastor Steven Anderson. No. Tons of people equate gay people, trans people with pedophiles. And I don't understand why that.

I've had this argument with my family. You can go ahead if you want. I actually have. I mean, I've argued with conservative family members who think that because it's a weird math equation they do, because most people are straight and because sexual abuse confuses sexuality, therefore most gay people have been sexually abused to become gay. So there are higher likelihood of abuse. And then, therefore, they say, people who are sexually

abused are highly likely to abuse others. Therefore, pedophiles. I mean, really. I mean, a couple of those things are true, i mean a couple of those things are true right a couple of those things are true of them are kind of true so it's it i tried to argue like well yeah but really how about you keep your fucking catholic priests away from your kids if you're really worried sure there's a much higher likelihood yeah that the catholic priests that you know but the whole genesis of the of the argument is that is that sexual abuse is what causes homosexuality.

That's a total – That's the foundational piece of that argument, which is fucking bunk. It's just garbage. And then the idea that sexual abuse occurs at a higher percentage among the homosexual population, I think that's been debunked as well. Like homosexuals are no more likely to commit acts of pedophilia than heterosexuals are they is no i don't think that there's any evidence that i've ever seen that suggests that that's the case yeah i don't think like those are the foundational arguments but this is but these are these are otherwise what you would think would be rational people i mean

it's tough it's tough that's so when you say it's not just him that thinks that i think you're right i think i think there's probably christians out there that you would see every day, ordinary Christians who won't say it, but they're probably thinking, oh, well, you know, good. They're probably thinking – I mean, I'm not here to prove it. I'm not here to say, like, this is definitely true. But I don't know. With some of the attitudes you hear, like, I bet you a lot of Christians think that. true but i don't know with some of the attitudes you hear like i bet you a lot of christians think that you know this this this video is posted on on youtube and you'll see i don't know if they're just trolls but you'll see comments like that all the time where people be like good i'm glad

they're dead and then this is a this is posted on the friendly atheist site because the original got taken down because he posted this shit on his own site but then the friendly atheist posted it and when he posted it a bunch of people posted on there like this is the guys were reprehensible yada yada yada and then there's a couple people posted on there like this is a guy's reprehensible, yada, yada, yada. And then there's a couple of people on there that are just like, good, glad they're dead, happy they're dead. What the fuck? I don't know. They could be trolls.

You don't know. I think a lot of that is like – a lot of that is trolling bullshit. It's that internet tough guy shit where you're like, I don't care whatever happens to people. It's like, yeah, fuck you. You meet some of these people. You love somebody in your family and they happen be homosexual, and then somebody fucking hurts them. You care a lot. Yeah.

You care a whole fucking lot because that's how being a fucking human works. Yeah. The other thing he says in here is like these homosexuals are a bunch of disgusting perverts. We don't kill the disgusting perverts. They're the most fun people. Well, you can't get rid of the perverts. Of all the people to get rid of, the perverts? Who's going to massage my prostate?

I need a pervert. Look, I am pro-pervert. Who's going to greet me outside of Glory Hole Studios? And inside. Same guy who's going to massage my prostate, it turns out. That's who was a victim here are a bunch of just disgusting homosexuals at a gay bar, okay? disgusting homosexuals at a gay bar okay but the the bad news is that this is now going to be used i'm sure to push for gun control where you know law-abiding normal americans are not going to be allowed to have guns for self-defense no actually they're they are filibustering right now i saw

earlier nothing will ever change i America about guns. I know. In America, you will always be able to buy all the guns. It's a fucking Christmas miracle that we can't buy an RPG at a 7-Eleven. Well, plus, think about what he's saying. Oh, 50 people were gunned to death. Oh, I bet you're going to say the guns are bad. So predictable. Yeah. Yeah, when the biggest mass shooting ever happens yeah that might come up think like uh maybe guns are bad

and then i'm sure it's also going to be used to push an agenda against so-called hate speech yeah we don't want to we don't want to look he did the things too i know hate speech we don't look guys guys guys are you not pro hate speech and guns huh huh who doesn't love some good guns and hate speech guys come on who's with me the only thing i love more than hate speeching is gunning those two things that would be me trying to blend into the crowd yeah i love hate speeching and gunsing how does any of that work i don't i'm from california i don't know yeah fire that's me trying to blend into the the angry mob that's for me we had a conversation about hate speech last night we were talking you and i and you and it's funny because i don't know

where tom sits on this but I know that you and I are kind of in the middle of the road on a lot of this stuff where people, there's a lot of people who want to classify like everything I disagree with as hate speech. And then there's another whole group of people that are like, that nothing is hate speech, that no matter what you do or no matter what you say, nothing is hate speech. And I think- Well, there's another question though, because in Europe, it matters. If it's hate speech, it's illegal. Right, right.

Here, I mean I'm sure it's a product of me being an American. But what I think is the better system is don't outlaw shit like that. Personally, and the example I brought up is it's illegal to deny the Holocaust in parts of Europe. You could be in jail for saying for merely saying that the holocaust didn't happen i don't think that's right so it is an interesting debate and sorry to plug more the next episode of atheistically speaking you'll hear is a a lawyer that i've had on the show andrew torres he's one of my favorite guests he comes and he explains a lot of that kind of stuff like the legal law is so complicated that you want

to have someone who knows what they're talking about unlike you know you or i tom sure i clearly do not know what i'm not did was i giving off somehow a vibe that says i know what i'm talking about because i will fucking immediately cease giving off that vibe i was mostly just thinking about pizza the uh the the interesting thing though, though, is that what we came to, and I think what a lot of people's definition of hate speech would be is when you're inciting violence against another person or you're saying someone should be hurt from saying you should die. If I say this person should die or this race should die, that's hate speech. But if you just say something something like well if you said homosexuality is a sin i don't really think that's hate speech personally like i i don't i mean i disagree with it i think it's we should argue with it i think there's a difference between hateful

speech and hate speech sure yeah i mean and it's important because like i said i mean that term hate speech you need to make sure what like what how are we using it and what are we talking about? Because, like I said, in Europe, it's not just, oh, it's related to hate. No, it has a definition that matters because that shit's illegal there. So it really matters. But like you're saying, I think here people are just thinking, yeah, anything hateful, that's hate speech. So Bible-believing Christian preachers who preach what the Bible actually says about homosexuality, that it's vile, that it's disgusting, that they're reprobates, you know, we're going to be blamed.

Like, oh, it's, it's, it's all extremism. It's not just the Muslims. It's the Christians. Yeah. It's fucking a hundred percent accurate. That's the thing that he doesn't like. He's like, oh, it's fucking accuracy when you're reporting things. My favorite thing is sarcastically saying obviously true things.

Someone kills a bunch of gay people and look at me. I'm going to say that I hate fags and I'm going to be blamed for that. Come on. It's like Job from... Do I bear some kind of responsibility for the ideologies I fucking spout that expressly develop these kinds of actions?

But seriously though, fags suck, right guys? Hey, who's with me, right? Who's with me? I actions. But seriously, though, facts suck, right? Who's with me, right? Who's with me? I'm just saying we should bash their heads in, right? I'm sure that that's coming. I'm sure that people are going to start attacking, you know, Bible-believing Christians now because of what this guy did. Now, let me just be real clear. I've never advocated for violence.

I don't believe in, you know in taking the law into our own hands. I would never go in and shoot up a gay bar, so-called. So-called? What does that even mean? Look, I can see the video. Was he winking that whole time? No, he's actually sucking a dildo while he talks. He's a ventriloquist.

It's really kind of amazing. It's like one of those ventriloquist acts where he deep throats to dildo while he talks he's a ventriloquist it's really kind of amazing it's like one of those ventriloquist acts where he deep throats to dildo and can still talk that's something that's going on republicans are refusing to call it a gay bar like they won't even because like they're afraid that exists or something or they're no because they're because it politicizes the way that makes them uncomfortable right because because exactly what we we just talked about because they know that then they will bear responsibility right because if i if i spend all of this time yelling and screaming about how you know homosexuality and homosexuals are reprobates and you know vile and evil and wicked and then somebody acts on the fucking ideas i mean this is some fucking sam harris shit right like

when are we gonna when are we gonna finally fucking recognize that ideas spur actions and and this is exactly what's happened here so now they're they're kind of in a fucking rock and a hard place situation right they have to on the one hand condemn this right you know rightfully so because it's fucking unbelievably reprehensible but it's clearly a result of religiously motivated hate it's clearly a fucking result of this shit that they stand on the fucking assembly floor themselves yeah and spout off fucking time and time and time again and now somebody acted on it yeah somebody actually did something right um i don't believe it's right for us to just be a vigilante we're supposed to obey the law of the land and obey the powers that be.

So I would never take things into my own hands or become a vigilante. But I will say this, you know, the Bible says that homosexuals should be put to death in Leviticus 2013. Obviously, it's not right for somebody to just, you know, shoot up the place because that's not going through the proper channels. The proper channels? There's some paperwork you have to do. You got to file it with the county. You got to say, hey, I'm going to kill some fags. And they say like, okay, how many fags are you killing?

And there's a box that marks like zero to nine, 10 to 19. You have to register your rocks you're going to throw. You got to go through proper channels. It has to get stamped, date stamped, very important. Sir, this is not notarized. I'm sorry. It's got to be a triplicate. There's one witness to the notary.

Yeah. This is like somebody getting mad that you stepped on a roach instead of calling Orkin. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? It's a guy who's upset. He's super upset. And you're like, well, dude, here's the thing. Here's the sad part of the story they're

all dead right you agree with the consequence he's totally fine with the consequence yeah well and implicit in that is if the law of the land were consistent with the bible then it would be fine that's what he's saying he's saying it's against the law of the land so we can't go against yeah but we could try to change the law of the land guys who's with me? But these people all should have been killed anyway, but they should have been killed through the proper channels, as in, again, paperwork. They should have been executed by a righteous government that would have tried them, convicted them,

and saw them executed. Put them in the defagonator. That's the way you get rid of them. Because in Leviticus 20.13, God's perfect law, he put the death penalty on murder, and he also put the death penalty on homosexuality. That's what the Bible says. Great. Plain and simple.

Awesome. The fucking death penalty is on fucking everything in that book. If that book is so full of the death penalty, none of us fucking make it out alive, right? I got a question for him. What if one of the gay people's parents had told that person to be gay then he would either die oh jesus disobeying or he would die like you're you're fucked either way yeah and then the and then said like okay if you're not gonna do that eat some shellfish he's like fuck i'm out i'm out what am i gonna do you killed me i can't do anything fucking crab rangoon and now it's fucking all over. It's either crab rangoon or dicks.

That's it. It's death either way. And so, you know, the good news is that at least 50 of these pedophiles are not going to be harming children anymore. The bad news is that a lot of the homos in the bar are still alive, so they're going to continue to molest children. Oh, my God. What a degenerate this guy is. You're right about the bone cancer, my friend. That's what I'm saying.

Oh, my gosh. I just want him to hurt real bad for an extended period of time and then never get better. Sure. And recruit people into their filthy homosexual lifestyle. Nobody's ever been recruited into homosexuality.ity doesn't necessarily have to be filthy well but don't they give you free college if you do the i'm just asking for a friend how could you be recruited well two homosexuals show up to your high school and they say like do you have a plan for after you graduate and you know i'm like no and they're like, do you have a plan for after you graduate?

And, you know, I'm like, no. And they're like, well, do you want to fuck men? And it's like, is there a scholarship? That's how it works generally. There's no scholarship, but there's a test. And then the other bad news is that this is going to now be used as propaganda not only against muslims but also against christians stop saying hate-filled shit yeah like it's just like he's lamenting he's like oh they're gonna call me on my bullshit now that's gonna be exhausting people will quote me for the words i said it's just it's just like that debate that cath Catholic debate where the priest is – remind me.

You can edit. What's the name of the guy? When Hitch and Stephen Fry debated the – The black priest and the nun? It's just like that. Oh, why are you bringing up condoms and AIDS? And why are you bringing up abusive children? Let's just talk about the good things.

Stop bringing up the bad things. Just forget it. Just ignore it. That stuff didn't really happen. And then Stephen Fry says, yeah, well, it's like someone being at their own trial saying like, oh, your honor, you would bring up the charges against me. It's so predictable. And of course, Islam is a wicked religion.

Of course, it's a disgusting religion. Of course, the quran is false but the media makes a big deal out of stuff like this fucking a hundred people were shot wait what a fucking non-sequitur that is well of course the quran is false and the media makes a big deal out of this the biggest shooting u.s history ah let's not. Should we put that on the – No. Let's do that story about that dog that was trained to do – Oh, look.

There's a squirrel he sees water skiing. Look at that. There's a water skiing squirrel. Put it on the front page. What should we do for the 5 o'clock? Should we do the biggest shooting in U.S. history or the water skiing squirrel? There's a board meeting here. Should we do this?

What do you think? Call the editor. I know he's at home. We're not sure. I see merit to both. Grandma made a Guinness Book of World Record sized pie. Do you want to do that one instead?

Is it poison berry? Because if it's poison berry, that's a front page. No, it's a three-way debate. Correction. Grandma has a world record pie. That's, pardon me, she didn't make it.

She has one. Okay. Sorry about that. It's covered in gray hair. Oh, God. No, you just got to eat your way through that, Tom. No, no, no. No, you got to sort of dig in.

No, no. That's how you do it. That's the story we're going with. Print it. Yeah. No. That's the good stuff right there. But not now.

It's like grandma dust in there. Oh, Jesus. I see we've carried on right from where we left off when you came on my show. So dry needs gravy. It's lumpy. It's lumpy gravy. What is it here? And it's just it's perfect.

I mean, the devil, the devil loves this incident because it's perfect for him because now he can push his agenda of, oh, we need to love homos and stop being hateful because look at these acts of violence that are provoked. Even though I've never heard any Bible-believing Christian preacher say that we should take things into our own hands and execute the wicked. All I preach and all that any other Bible preacher have ever said about it is that it should be against the law to be homosexual which it was against the law until 2003 and you also say they should be put to death you're just not fucking connecting the last dot dude like fucking you can't you can't just be like oh not my fault i just said that they should be put to death i just say that the fucking government should just have to kill them i think that they should actually be dead but you know what but you know what if you just fucking if you just went out and did that i would never tell you to do that but they should die i'm just saying they should die

right and and he says they're child molesters like like that's a neutral thing like oh i didn't say they're just child molesters we should let them child molest yeah if you call someone a child molester people are going to want to hurt that person i mean that's just how it is right i think he's just really lazy actually you ever think about think about that? Yeah, maybe. He's like, you know, gays need to die, but I just, I got too much to do. I got so exhausted. The game's on later. Some of those guys are in great shape. I don't want to have to do.

You can just try to outrun them. I'm chasing them down. I got my rocks. They've got their hard, buff bodies. And then I try to hit one and I accidentally feel his muscles just... And I knock him down and we maybe wrestle a little bit. And then the sprinkler comes up. We got to try to fight for the dominant position.

How's this going to end? He's a little sweaty and he's pinning me to the ground and I can't move. Guys, you're making me uncomfortable, guys. You're going to need to edit this video. You're making me uncomfortable. Pastor. You're going to need to edit this video. You're making me uncomfortable. Pastor Steve, you've got to stop. In the U.S. And that, you know, Leviticus 2013 is still God's word.

I can't wait for the video that shows up that has this fucking guy's got fucking three dicks in his mouth, right? There is going to be a time where this guy's like, fucking stretched out, bleeding with the fucking amount of cock that is rammed down this guy's throat. There's literally, you know, those little clickers that like bus drivers use to count? As he's saying, the more he's saying, just click that number of dicks that's going to be in his mouth. Just like, oh, he just said another thing. That's four dicks. That's five.

Oh, he's taking one in the ass now. Oh, there's going to be two in his hand. Holy shit. That little clicker just, the more he talks, the more you know. That's fucking 12 dicks, that's five. Oh, he's taking one in the ass now. Oh, there's going to be two in his hand. Holy shit. That little clicker just, the more he talks, the more you know. That's fucking 12 dicks. This guy is going to have so much fucking cock in his mouth, fucking tears pouring down, and a fucking smile, ear to ear like, I love you so much. I can't wait for that fucking video to come out.

I cannot wait. Anyway, those are my thoughts on this attack. I'm not sad about it. I'm not going to cry about it because these people were going to die. These 50 people in the gay bar that got shut up, they were going to die of AIDS and syphilis and whatever else. Nobody dies of syphilis. Nobody fucking dies of syphilis. No white people die of syphilis.

Shit. You know, there is nothing normal about being a sodomite. There is no life that will come out of a rectum. You cannot produce life. It's only death. Every time, there's nothing in a rectum except waste, refuse, and death. So this story comes from Right Wing Watch. So this story comes from Right Wing Watch.

Andrew Lafferty, Target, and Hershey are now pedophile magnets and pervert magnets. Can you be both? I don't know. I don't know. Which one is the peanut butter and which is the chocolate? Let's play a little clip of this. This is Andrea Lafferty. Why all the hoo-ha over all this, Steve? What's interesting is back in the day in the 70s, they were saying, oh, gays are 10% of the population.

That's how this whole thing got started. We now know officially that that is a lie because now even the gays are saying, oh, we're only maybe 3% of the population. So when people are hearing the numbers that they're.03, that transgenders are.03 of the population, we know that's not true because those are the same people that gave us the 10% are giving us the.03. Wait, so even assuming that what you said was accurate, right? But it's not.

It's 2%. But even if we went with that, because somebody was wrong 46 years ago, like in the 70s, somebody was wrong half of a fucking century ago. Then now, 46 years later, they must also be wrong. Are you just subsequently wrong about every additional thing that you say? It's like, oh, you made a mistake once, so you literally are wrong about every subsequent fact that you utter. Or since they were small at 10% and they're even smaller now, we're okay to subjugate them, right? That's clearly the larger issue. We're allowed to do whatever we want, to treat them however we want.

Right. Exactly. Can't believe any word I have to say. We know that this is a minuscule number of people. Oh, this is.0000001. I mean, this is – That's a very small amount of people. Basically just count.

I was going to say, I think we know. We could go through everyone we know, and we would probably get higher than that. Yes, but under the guise of this, we are going to have, you know, we've now got Hershey and Target as pedophile magnets. What are they? Pedophile magnets? Somebody's going to go to the fucking Hershey? Hold on a minute.

The Hershey one is the best one. It's the best. Because it's like a handful of locations around the world and people are gonna like what you're gonna have like a fucking pedophile pilgrimage to the fucking hershey factory be like i want to see how mr good bars are made they want to see my mr good bar like what they really think that just because they're allowing a gender neutral bathroom that everyone's going to flock. I've never gone to the bathroom before. Everybody, all my transgender friends, there's, look,

there's a bathroom. Let's all flock to Target. They really think that's how it works. They're going to have transgender synchronized pooping. If there is a pilgrimage, though, are they going to call it the Hershey Highway? Nicely done. Nicely done. See, because that's a euphemism for blood sex, guys. That's why you weren't paying attention for the past 10 minutes as you i saw your brain the gears just

like making that euphemism for butt sex i saw a little steam coming out of your ears like just all this jokes is gonna be so good if i just get i'm just teasing i'm just gonna play this and pervert magnets again where i want a pervert magnet. Hold on a minute. Hold on a minute. I know. So do I. If there was a fucking pervert magnet, I would fucking cover myself in pervert magnets. I'd be like, pervert. I'd wear a fucking suit made out of pervert magnets.

I'd pierce my nipples and run them right through. All I want to do is meet perverts. That is what I'm saying. Most of the time, some super overweight, sweaty guy will stick to you. But there will be that one out of like a hundred it'll be a good looking woman right like oh you're like these magnets finally the problem is the woman would be like man there's all these ugly guys sticking to me and one of them's tom you know what i mean like one of them is gonna stick that's all right i got a fucking

grip i want to do like i want to be in seventh grade science again, where you're doing experiments with a pervert magnet. It's like, look, if you have this end and it repels the other pervert. Yeah, depending on the perversion, right? It's like, oh, and it just fucking repels against there. Does it find perverted true north? Yeah. It's like one that attracts furries, but it goes against.

Oh, I don't want that one. Yeah. Let's see. That's the science fair project. Yeah. The one that attracts scalies is the one you want. I would just be covered in fucking furries, but it goes against... Oh, I don't want that one. Yeah, let's see. Is there a different one? The science fair project. Yeah, the one that attracts scalies is the one you want. I would just be covered in fucking furries.

With my luck, I'd just be like, I just have fucking squirrel people stuck to me. No, guys, the seventh grade science fair project is pervert magnets and then all of a sudden

the school principal just... He just looks at you all awkward. He's like, oh, this shit's not working. Science is not sound. We need more people to sign up for the boycott and not just

slack to visit here. Nobody's going to boycott chocolate. Nobody is going to boycott chocolate. You're asking people to boycott the most delicious food. Nobody in the whole, nobody's, even though it's Hershey's, nobody's going to boycott chocolate. That's true. People would fucking

boycott water before folks you need to not shop but i need items you gotta amazon that shit well what if you're like what if you're in your own house right and you're gonna order from amazon you're like fuck there's no sign on my fucking door in my house it says men's or women's my house's insane. My house is gender neutral. I can't shop at Amazon. Yeah, they're like, I have to boycott myself. It's all like, Soylent Green is made out of people.

Every single one of these people realize it at once. We are now, we're launching something this week. We're now headed into bathing suit season. All you moms and dads and grandmas and grandpas do not let your young girls and teen girls buy their summer clothes or bathing suits at Target. Wait. The fucking why? Because somebody's

pooing somewhere? Like what's going to happen? Do they have like fucking... Who's shitting in the dressing room? Do they have like Uncle Creepy's dressing room where you could go in your own dressing room Or we have this old man in here That can help you get dressed

He'll hold the mirror for you And this guy who's the CEO Of Target came in He wants to flip the corporation Around in like three years Make it even bigger than it was That's his actual job That's the job of people with the title CEO.

Yeah, let's get one of those CEOs that wants to shrink the company and ruin the stock price. You're in, dude. I want my life shares to be worthless in this thing. I want my retirement to be zero by the time you're done with this, Mr. Target. Run this shit. What a douchey

CEO. He wants to make money with this company like a corporation. And we need to send them a CEO. He wants to make money with this company like a corporation. And we need to send them a message. You're not going to do this. And, Steve, I like to shop at Target. As a family, we are boycotting Target. And I would really encourage people, buy your bathing suit somewhere else. It's like when people fucking call us and write us, like, I'm not listening to the show.

Makes no difference. Target doesn't give a fuck fuck do you have any idea how fucking big target is so what like fucking a hundred bigots don't shop for their fucking bathing suits there they'll never notice they will never even notice that you didn't shop there for your fucking bigot suits people don't understand like how how much you really have to you know when when even when chick-fil-a was doing that bullshit and a ton of those you know ton of secular people and a ton of gay allies were like i'm not gonna shop there i mean there's nothing i'm gonna do i'm not gonna shop there do you think they cared they didn't give a shit they don't care like it's in the grand scheme of things against their fucking revenue line like so so what Like a handful of people didn't get their fucking bathing suits

or their chicken sandwich or whatever at this massive, massive corporation? They'll never notice. You're like a tenth of an eighth of a percent. It doesn't even matter to anybody. Like they spend more on fucking light bulbs. Do not let your girls go in there and use the changing room. When are you going to roll this out?

We'll have you back in a show. What day are you planning on rolling this out? This new initiative this week. So for the Memorial, you're going to catch them on the Memorial day weekend, not to, uh, not to buy your bathing suits at target. Yeah. All these little girls are going to want to go in and buy these cute little suits and coverups and shorts and tank tops.

Don't let them do it. Make them go swimming naked. That'll show the perverts. Also, thanks for illustrating how target works like i get it you just said don't go to target oh you're gonna want to buy products there you're gonna want let me name some products there's clothing there and there's food there like i get it you just said don't go i get it just fuck there are a lot of other places that you can shop and frankly go in maybe you go in and you shop and you get all the stuff together and when you

get to the register say uh i'm not gonna buy this look at how much money i would have wow you're hardcore andrew who has the fucking energy for this i don't care if they were i don't care who's gonna spend their afternoon i don't care what it's – Who's going to spend their afternoon? I don't care if Target is making – Is fucking putting shit in their car like, I would have bought this fucking gallon of milk. I would have bought this fucking Gatorade. I would have bought – Look at Tom is rolling his eyes up in his head. Tom would totally do this. I've done something very similar.

What? Yeah. What? Yeah. Walgreens fucked me over one time and I mailed them for several months. I mailed them. I transferred all of my prescriptions. I had very expensive prescriptions, and they fucked me over, and I transferred all of my prescriptions to CVS, and I fucking mailed my receipts to fucking Deerfield, Illinois, and was like, here's some more money you didn't make, you motherfuckers. They didn't care.

Yeah, you brought down that company. That's why there's no more Walgreens. That's why you've never heard of Walgreens out there. You're such a twat, dude. I did it, though. I did it after my first son was born. It's so good. It was thousands of dollars in medication that they gave me shit about,

and I transferred my prescription, and I took all the fucking receipts. Nobody gave a shit. It was fucking nothing. It was nothing. They don't care at all, and they shouldn't care. It was fucking nothing. It was nothing. They don't care at all. They shouldn't care. It's fucking meaningless. But I totally did it.

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Or click the link on the podcast homepage, and you can donate to the production of Cognitive Dissonance on a per-episode basis. If you can't spare any money, take a second to give us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher, or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big heartfelt glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock so uh we uh asked you when you didn't do it to read this i read the biggest secret of it i

look i'm an honest guy so if i weren't an honest guy i would have said yeah i read the whole fucking thing and you'd never know yeah you'd never know you only had like literally four hours with nothing else to do sitting in a chair and we asked you to read 20 pages but no good good how many did you make it through 14 15 before you got exhausted and panicked or whatever you fucking did just saying you're a lazy cunt i'm just saying i skimmed it so i did too that's fine i was gonna say the difference between me and Tom is I'm honest and Tom's lying. We're both Tom. It's part of the game.

It's fine. We're different shades of Tom. Yeah, there you go. So I wrote a short – Limerick? No, I have a couple of limericks. But I wrote a short synopsis of the chapter. Okay, so that's good because I struggled with chapter three. I was going to say you're going to want to say that for, not me, but I mean people who don't.

Yeah, people who didn't read it. Yeah, definitely not. The people who didn't read it, sure. I don't need to hear. I can take off my headphones. Sure. I don't need to hear this. Take notes for me.

So the chapter is about all the ancient people that the Aryans started slash interbred slash controlled. Okay? people that the Aryans started slash interbred slash controlled. Okay? The places that they originated and spread along with some of the people that were involved. Involved, yeah. And it touches on magnetism, volcanoes, ley lines, sources of power, and how the reptiles control them. And essentially, this is the begat chapter of the Bible.

Dude, that's a great way to think about it because it is like this chapter. The reason I struggled with this chapter is this chapter is just like, well, and anyway, these people use similar words to those people. And then they all went and then they had, look, hey guys, did you notice that they all have kind of the same traditions? Anyone notice that? And they have the same stories. And they say the same thing sometimes. And he just names every historical thing he knows i know he's just

like this is why it sucked it was like yeah and then there's the ishtar people who did he just names things and you're like is that therefore lizards what is yeah because there's there is there are no concluding statements no no it's just things it's just right it's just descriptions of things. It's like if you wrote a book and it was called like, two beer bottles and a bottle of water. Both bottles. Anyone notice they both hold liquids?

Liquids start with L. Lizards. Lizards. And you're just like, what? How did you? There's an interesting part of this because he talks a lot about the. No, there's not. There's a lot of interesting parts of this.

So one of the things that he talks about is the Aryans, right? So he starts talking about the Aryans, and the Aryans are Martians basically. So they came from Mars, and they moved their whole civilization from a colony on another planet to this planet so they could become sailors in primitive sailboats. After the Venus cataclysm. Right, yeah. Because it's very important that this is all post-Venus Cataclysm. If it was before the Venus Cataclysm, different ballgame. Yeah.

Right. Because – and then spontaneously, spontaneously, like all these advanced civilizations popped up. And yet none of them had like any real advanced features. yet none of them had like like any real advanced features you guys already killed this last episode when you said they could have just made a lizard planet like there was no one here to fight them but now they're hiding it's like what if society was all gay people and then they thought like we still need to be closeted like no no you're all gay just be gay nobody cares be lizards yeah have lizard pride parades just do it and actually i touched on that i wrote i wrote a little sentence down it says the babylonian brotherhood can manipulate people's emotions magnetics the sun mind time consciousness dimensions the weather and much more but they'll settle for being a rich guy

or a princess well the other my other my other favorite feature of this of this chapter is it's like it's like what he talks about um you know and that's why you know they take all their all their negative symbols are are positive and all their positive symbols are negative so they can pepper the world with positive symbology or whatever yeah and you're just like okay so why would you do that like why like this is it's the biggest secret it's the fucking worst kept secret possible because according to this guy all these fucking powerful people throughout all of history and time have left nothing but clues all over the world that they are like fuck part of this secret cabal yeah and and you're just like well but you haven't done anything with it yet what's amazing thousands and thousands of years and you've accomplished

fucking diddly dick with the whole fucking thing they shed bodies like spacesuits are just like peace out with this body back in the other body to further the agenda. And it's like, the agenda's not gotten you fucking dick off. I think they're all just lazy. They're the type of people who just don't read chapters when they get it assigned. I think that's what we're talking about. Oh, who would do that? I don't know.

Some lizard person. No one would. No one would. That very clearly didn't come out of my mic. I would like the record to record to state that that came out of anyone else's so right when you said they can manipulate time yeah game game over there's nothing you don't need any other it's like my superpowers are let's see i'm i'm i can jump pretty high uh i i can I can beat Tom and arm wrestling and,

Oh, and I can, I can go back in time. You have minor things. I can go back in time and beat Tom and arm wrestling. Yeah, when he's an infant. Go back to the part where you can control time.

Let's start with that. And that, that pretty much solves any other thing you could possibly ever need. It's like, Hey, how'd that go? Uh, first time, not so good. Then it went back in time and fixed it.

Yeah, all that matters is the last time. Right. I like the part where he's talking about the giant rock buildings on Mars, and then they illegally immigrated here and built the same rock buildings. It's like, we really love those big rock buildings where we came from. Hey, let's make those over here. If rock buildings were so great, why are we still not building? Here it is, an advanced

civilization. Build it out of rocks. Then later, we're just like, man, rocks kind of suck. Let's build it out of their stuff. Nobody builds anything out of fucking just rocks anymore. We stopped building shit out of rocks a long time ago. Pretty much as soon as possible. As soon as we had plywood.

As soon as we had trees. We were just like moving on up. As soon as we had any other material. It's a terrible building material. It's not like it was rocks until like the 1930s. Admittedly, we do still build things out of bricks and we're gonna get

we're gonna get emails about it we are still gonna get around also another thing he says da vinci predicted the telephone flying machines tanks and bicycles but we didn't have the constitution so glenn beck says god didn't make it work until after 1776. And the other thing, too, that he says is that Da Vinci, though, was part of the secret society network, right? And I don't know if that means he's a reptile or not, but he clearly knows about the reptiles or he knows about something, right? And if his race came from another planet or he knew about a race that came from another planet, couldn't they just make a bicycle? Like how hard is it to make a bicycle? Why does the bicycle have to be something we have to wait for?

Like what the fuck do you have to wait around for the bicycle they're not ready yet yeah they're not ready but it's just about like what's someone gonna do like fucking yeah go a little bit faster it's not even a special horse either it's like it's like what whether or not they're the humankind has not yet they're not. They're not ready for the powers that the bicycle will bestow upon them. Yeah, he knows about people who crossed planets, and yet he draws images of like a shitty flying machine. It doesn't even work. It doesn't even work. It just fucking humps the ground.

It like flops on the ground like a fish. It humps the ground. I feel like he was holding back on us. That's awesome. He could have told us some more shit. Thing fucking spazzes out and doesn't do anything at all. I can see if like – It's like the fucking whiplash machine.

That's what it is. It's just a thing to give you whiplash. What do you have for spinal injuries? I'll enjoy my ornithopter. It's wonderful. It's powered by a bicycle though. You can't ever get out of it. You got to hold this martini. It's just. It's powered by a bicycle, though. You can't ever get out of it. You got to hold this martini.

Junk, junk, junk, junk, junk, junk, junk. It's just a workout device. It's an early version of the elliptical. It's like a fucking ancient bow flex. Yeah, that's all it was. It's the highest impact possible. You get one workout a week, and then the rest are rest days. That's it.

It destroys every joint in your body simultaneously. If we had shown him a shake weight, he'd have been like, oh, I shouldn't have even bothered. That's way better. All right. So we're going to play Thomas Redd for us earlier. We were going to have Sarah read, but Sarah is kind of ill, so she can't. Probably from reading this fucking book previously. She's turning into a lizard.

She's coming down with lizard sickness. Lizard sickness right now, so she can't read. But she blends in with her natural environment. I couldn't find her when I went home last night. So here is Thomas reading for us. Earlier today, we had Thomas read. I have to listen to this? Yes, you have to listen to this.

So this is Thomas reading from David Icke's book, The Greatest Secret. The Biggest Secret. The Biggest. Which one of us read this book? Which one of us read this book? I got the title. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

I read it. I just didn't understand it. Nobody did. Another constant is the latitude of 19.5 degrees. Wait a minute. I'm already. If latitudes were inconstant, they would be of no value. It's a constantly shifting latitude. Wait a minute, I'm already... If latitudes were inconstant, they would be of no value. It's a constantly shifting latitude.

Wait a minute, that's not... That's a sine wave. That's not a thing. No, it's a pattern that he's found in all the shit he's made up. I love that. He's like, here's something I've noticed about all the shit I'm spewing. Here's a pattern I've noticed. This is the latitude on which the pyramids,

many ancient temple complexes, and other sacred structures were built. It is also where you will find the volcanoes on Hawaii, the shield volcanoes on Venus, the massive Olympus Mons volcano on Mars, the dark spot on Neptune, the red spot on Jupiter, and the main area of the sunspot activity,

north and south on the sun. This all fits like a glove. Okay, that was the thing I did in my research. You got to the second page of this and read that? I was like, here, let me jot down something to make it look like I actually read this.

I love this. That's my technique. This is the greatest sentence in this whole book. This all fits like a glove. Whatever he said. Oh, yeah, sure. That all fits. You're right. All that shit about the fucking Aryan race and the fucking time manipulation.

Yeah, that all fits. What's your definition of fits? Fits like OJ's glove. It's all bloody. It's a fourth dimensional glove. Anything fits in it. That's true. Because sunspots are emissions of incredibly powerful electromagnetic energy from the sun.

Yes. Yes. That's what I call my emissions too. That is true. Ladies, it's incredibly powerful. No. Incredibly infrequent. More accurate. Incredibly brief and very disappointing.

And volcanoes are obvious emissions of energy from the planets. Not surprisingly, therefore, 19.5 degrees is the point of energy exchange between rotating spheres and the hierarchy of the ancients knew this samarians knew for instance about the cycle of what is called precession this is the effect of the earth's wobble which slowly moves the planet on its axis so that it faces different star systems or astrological houses over many thousands of years i feel like i'm having a stroke listening to this fucking two things are spinning and they get energy at 19.5 degree what does that even mean then earth is facing

other astrological houses my favorite thing about this whole idea this whole biggest secret is the name of the book i don't know if you know that greatest secret it's called the biggest secret is the name of the book. I don't know if you know that. Greatest secret. It's called The Biggest Secret. When you're on to a secret, let's think about Watergate. Someone got tipped off. Hey, there's some shit going on. You know one thing. You're like, oh, there's some shit going on at the Watergate Hotel. Wait, what's going on?

Hold on, let's find this out. It's not like, oh, I'm on to a secret. Here's a fucking textbook of details about it. Here's more details about this than anything I've ever known. I don't know enough details to fill this book. It's unbelievable.

It's so much detail. You're totally right. I couldn't think of this many details about my fucking kids. Amazing. If you were like, write 500 pages about the most fucking important two human beings have ever been in your life, I'd be like, I get to page 23 and I'm fucking exhausted. If someone said, write everything you know about your own life, I'd be like, it doesn't add up to this. It doesn't add up to the biggest secret that you're on to.

As the records show, the Sumerians knew that it took 2,160 years for the Earth to move through each house and 25,920 years to complete the cycle. If that were true, so what? So I know the next sentence is going to be the so what statement. All right. So here we go. We are completing one of these cycles now. be the so what statement. All right. So here we go. We are completing one of these cycles now, hence the enormous change that is upon us. Ancient temples all over the world reflect these cycles of procession in their geometry and mathematics.

Isn't it amazing what primitive people can do? The elite of the Phoenician Aryans had enormous knowledge of the Earth's energy grid and its potential to affect human consciousness. We have an energy grid? We had one. Oh. Thanks, Obama. After all, we live within the planet's magnetic field. A little editorial giggle there. I like that.

I like that. You jackasses. The statement was, you guys are so fucking stupid for not knowing this. Like the way he was reading it, or writing it. So I, you know. I wrote a haiku about this. Let me read it. No, I'm good.

Everything is energy, magnetism and vibration, proving astrology. When it changes, we change. If you live in water and the water changes you are fundamentally affected and it is the same with the energy ocean that we occupy wait wait fucking slow the train slow i can't you're fundamentally changed tom what would change about the water i don't know i'm like i'm not even there i'm not even i'm not even to step two yet yeah i'm in some water and then the water changes what is it in? It's fucking in what way? Like, if it boils, I boil.

Okay, fine. You got me there. The fucking fourth-dimensional monatomic fucking water will change into a phase, into a dual monomic fucking... It doesn't matter. I could say anything. It doesn't matter. You'd believe it.

You'd believe that I read this. Plus, you have the movement of the planets affecting the Earth's magnetic field and through that affecting us. The Brotherhood doesn't want us to know any of this. And so they have used their religions like Christianity to condemn astrology as the work of the devil and their science to dismiss it as mumbo jumbo. Science. I love that he's like, guys, astrology is a real thing. I love that we had to use Christianity to take down astrology. Like, no, I got news for you.

I don't need anything. Just tell me what your theory is and I'll just say like, no, that's fucking stupid. Here's why. I don't need Christianity to do that. I don't need any help. It's super easy. I don't even need a ruler. I don don't need any help. It's super easy. I don't even need a ruler. I don't even need a calculator.

None of it. I could take it down with nothing, just what I know and the objects in this room. Awesome. So here's the next piece. This one's from page 75 of The Greatest Secret. The Biggest Secret, you dirty whore. And this is about druids. I love it so much.

Jesus Christ. As with the blue degrees of modern Freemasonry, the druid initiates were divided into three groups. The teachings given to each level in the forest groves of the ancient times and the Freemasonic temples of today are virtually the same. I can't hear this. I can't hear this. The first level of the druid School was the Ovate who was

dressed in green, the druidic color of learning. The first rule of Druid School is don't talk about Druid School. I wish he had said that. It would have been worth it. It's Druid School. Druid School. Hey guys, let's go to Druid School. Okay, everybody. On the platform 93 quarters, guys, let's go to Druid School. Okay, everybody, on to platform 93 quarters. It's time to go to Druid School.

Hey, look, our mail's showing up by owl. Assholes. I worked my ass off to put myself through Druid School. Druid School. Okay. You don't fucking besmirch Druid School. I just took out Druid loans. The second was the Bard, who wore sky sky blue representing harmony and peace. They had the task of memorizing some of the 20,000 verses of druidic poetry within which the mysteries were hidden.

I love that they have to memorize some. That could be two. That could be two. I was going to say, because 20,000 is a lot. Yeah, right? It's like, hey, guys, you've got to memorize these 20,000. It would take a long time. All right, three.

We'll get you a three. Even back then, there was someone like me who was like, I'll read it. Yeah, I'll read it. I'll read like, I'll read those druidic poems. Ask me anything about them. I won't actually fucking read them, it turns out. And I'll take a long time not reading them. The third, the druid would be dressed in a white robe, their symbolic color for purity and the sun. To become an archdruid, a a spiritual leader you had to pass six levels

of degree but you already said there were three levels you gotta go through three levels twice what the fuck you gotta be a i want so there's three levels you gotta be a second level i think you have to pass six levels to get to the last of the third no but there's three before you multi-class you have to be a level 10 bar there's no fuck? You've got to make sure you're a level 10 bard. Wait, are we on our subclasses? Yeah. Is this our normal class? This is the first class. Oh my fucking god.

Is this Druid 098? What is happening? And if you fuck up your build, you've got to reset all your skills. The Druids had total power over the population for a long time, and some deeply unpleasant rituals emerged after their mystery school network was taken over by the Babylonian Brotherhood. Mystery school. Mystery school. Mystery school.

What are they, fucking Mystery Incorporated? Like fucking Scooby-Doo? Hold on. I wrote a haiku about this. Oh, good. So mystery schools are evidently a thing. Professor Scooby-Doo. Oh, nice.

That's awesome. The basic moral code was taught to all people, but the secret knowledge was, as with all these networks, preserved for initiates under the strictest secrecy. But you know about it. How strict could the secrecy be? Not that strict anymore. Not only does he know about it,

it's not like, oh, I knew oh i knew something about no here's every fucking detail basically here's the student handbook yeah yeah eliphas levi the famous esotericists said of their healing methods the druids were priests and physicians curing by magnetism fucking what would you curing by nothing's ever been cured one time ever by magnetism. Fucking, what would you... Curing by... Nothing's ever been cured one time ever by magnetism. If I had a lead splinter stuck in my arm, maybe I would get a magnet. No, because magnets

would work on lead. Don't give a shit about lead. I had the opposite. You would have steel which hadn't been fucking invented yet stuck in you. You're just like, oh, I had a block of iron for lunch. I gotta get it out. Like, what the fuck? What are you going to cure with a magnet? Oh, I've got a bad case of no magnets.

Their universal remedies were mistletoe and serpent's eggs, because these substances attract astral light in a special manner. Oh, God. That's more plausible than magnets. That's true. You'd be better off getting fucking healed by astraglide. That's true. You'd be better off getting fucking healed by Astroglide. The solemnity with which mistletoe was cut down drew upon this planet the popular confidence and rendered it powerfully magnetic.

I have a final haiku. Okay, bring it home. Final haiku. Bring it home. All things are spirals. DNA is a spiral. And so is our hair. Wait a minute You guys haven't been calling these Ike Coups Again

You haven't been fucking calling these Ike Coups Well we are now It takes me to travel to Gloriole Studios Put my penis in the doormat Put my penis in the Here's the thing Ike Coups You didn't read it but we'll forgive you for IQs.

That was pretty good. That was the only good joke you've made that we've known you. And then just like the other shirt I apparently invented, I'll forget all about it, and you guys can claim you came up with it. We already are. I've already edited you out. So we want to thank our most current patrons of course we want to thank all our patrons we want to thank the most recent patrons steven kyle devil doc josh lisa mellick reverend jesus h christ diseased machine seth allen jason and steven thank you very much for your generous

donations tom we also got a paypal we did david uh sent us a paypal donation thank you very much for your paypal donation again paypal another way to support the show you can go to our web page dissonancepod.com and click on the donate button to donate we uh recently changed we're only going to talk about this for just a brief second but we recently changed our patron goals. We set up a 1750 goal. If we can get up to that level, we're going to try to hire someone to help us do some of the ad and work. That's really one of the major things that's been, you know, sort of bogging us down. Tom and I are both pretty good at the podcasting part. It's the rest of the part that's very difficult, that we just find ourselves mired in constantly. And it's lot of work and uh and we'd love to be able to hire someone to to handle some of that stuff so uh

so that's one of the goals and then the the final goal the two thousand dollar goal the one that we're looking forward to is we're going to pick a couple of conferences each year the patrons will actually pick the conferences that we go to and we'll be heading out to conferences that the patrons choose and we'll be doing some meetups and hanging out with people so it should be pretty cool if we can get up to that goal, it'd be really great. So, uh, so those are a couple of goals that we set. And we also recently, um, on our website, um, I tried to post it on Patreon, but Patreon doesn't have an ability to pin things. So I took a page and put a page on our website on our website right now. If you want to find

any of our patron only content and you're a patron, uh, you can go to our website, dissonance pod.com and it says patron only content. You click on it and there'll be links that will link you directly to the patron only content that we created. Um, you have to be a patron of course, to listen to it, but there's a, there's several, there's two full episodes and we're actually going to be doing another full episode very soon. Um, that's going to be patron only. And then, uh, and then there's a whole bunch of other clips and extras and stuff that are in there too. So we got a bunch of email we're going to work through. Thomas, you're going to have to sit with us through this email. Okay, I may look like my eyes are closed, but they're actually open.

It's my lizard form of eyes. It's your lizard eyes? Okay, that's fair. That's fair. We got a message from Tori, and Tori said that, as your one furry listener, I want to correct you. The term is scaly not lizard person iguana etc so tom just so you know dude uh it says i how dare you stereotype a scaly like that not all scalies identify as iguanas there are those that identify as snakes dinosaurs also known as

dinos and dragons man no i think that's fair i mean we don't want it we don't want to i don't want to lump all that's just rude it's just rude fucking animal people into one category super rude dude i know like what about the armadillos like what are they because they're not really down their trousers furry oh there you go all right you got me you got me so we got a bunch of calls to prayer this week i want to say some of them are great. We're going to play some of them, but not everybody gets a trophy, okay? Yeah, sorry. It's not gold stars for everybody.

Yeah, this isn't fucking kindergarten where everybody gets a play. If it's not, if it's something that we thought was, you know, sort of put together sort of shoddily or if it just didn't work or if it kind of is loud or weird or doesn't like like i said just doesn't work we didn't play it so uh so back to the drawing board if you didn't play we're not going to be playing a bunch of these either like we're going to try to trim these down to where we're just playing a few a week so i got a tip as an outsider try a joke that hasn't been done already maybe that'll be a good way of getting through. This is from Jim Bob Arubob. La-we-k-ba, la-we-k-ba. Ricola. I like this one.

I like that one. That one was good. I like the Ricola. Remember those guys in their little shorts? Their little ledederhosen? Their little shorts. Why don't they still do those commercials? I don't know.

Man. Obama. This one is crazy. This is from Bart. And Bart put together this. This is Pastor Manning and some metal. I spent three and a half years in prison. God, it's killing me.

Oh, it got worse. Jesus Christ. I'm James Damon Manning, everybody. I'm the Lord.ning, everybody. I'm the man. I love it. That one turned out pretty good, Bert. We got a message. I don't know if this person is kidding around.

Aaron, if you're kidding around, ha-ha. If you're not kidding around, Aaron said, we have no idea whether or not there were advanced lizards on the planet. He's like, look, it could be possible. I'm going to summarize the argument. It could be possible, and we just haven't found the evidence yet. But it's probably not because we didn't find the evidence yet. Man, we have dinosaur bones that are 65 million years old.

None of them are wearing helmets or carrying a wallet. There's no dino iPad. There's not like a dino Subaru that we found. There's not even like a dino roller skate. If they're like a technologically advanced civilization, they're still all naked all the time and don't have any stuff yeah the closest the closest thing we found was the flintstones car that's true yeah and that one stork they did all the garbage yeah but that couldn't get you interplanetary space travel that's true nice try we got a we got a bunch of messages about this and this was about

the narcan thing that we had talked about so power Pat Robertson had some caller call in and say people were getting shots of Narcan. They would OD and then they would try to get shots of Narcan. And this woman said that they were trying to get shots of Narcan. And Tom and I got into an argument about whether or not someone would do something that would put themselves in danger to get some sort of thrill from it some sort of high or like we talked about ejaculation things like that that was the argument we got into not whether narkand did anything right it was not it was not specific we even we even specifically said during that argument i even remember saying yeah i don't know i don't know anything about narkand but i'm just i was just or we were arguing ideologies – we were not arguing whether or not Narcan did anything.

We get it. Narcan doesn't do anything. Nobody Narcan's on purpose. And the lady – that lady specifically was wrong. But when we were arguing about it, we were not arguing about that in particular. What are you doing over there? Oh, I'm bored, so I'm taking selfies of you guys. I want proof that I was here at

Glory Hill Studio. Sounds awesome. We got a message from, this is from James, and James sent us a picture and Gary Agape is our mannequin. And Gary has a wife, evidently. It looks like in Britain, because there's a squiggly pound sign behind there for

20 pounds, you can get a shirt. So we're going to post this on our website for this week. Show notes, episode 300A or B. 300A. I'm not sure. There's going to be two of them. Do you know if his wife is cool with what I did with him? Oh, yeah.

He swings both ways, bro. It's totally fine. He's not possessive. Just don't tell his wife. Because if not, then I'm joking. Just don't tell his wife. Ha ha jokes. You just got to follow the rules.

You just got to ask permission first, make sure it's cool. We got a message from Bradley and Bradley said that while Bradley was working on some zebrafish embryos and sort of working in a research laboratory, really changed Bradley's mind about what, uh, about abortion because those embryos are about the same size as when women would, you know, most people, most abortions take place. I thought you were going to say it was so boring that he wished he was aborted.

Okay. Different direction. No, it's not your show. It's fine. Oh, so mean. Oh,

but true. So, uh, we got, we got another call to prayer. This one is from Ben. Ben left a long email, but he said that he sent this particular call to prayer in for us. This is the Val Curran-Lukilmer version from Top Secret. You never saw Top Secret? I don't know what it is.

It's before your time, Thomas. It's before your time, buddy. This is from Azriel. Azriel sent in a call to prayer as well. Allahu Akbar. Those are chickens. Asriel sent in a call to prayer as well. At first I thought it was somebody choking. But it turned out really good.

That's great. We got a bunch of messages telling us that in their parts of the world that the statutory rape law that we had mentioned, it was kind of what they had. Right. There's like a gap. You can be 13 and they can be 16 and that's totes okay. Yeah. I didn't know that. And then there's other places where it's not okay.

Right. But in particular, we got a lot of messages from people saying this is what it was because clearly lots of people study the statutory rape law. There's a lot of people who are like, well, let me tell you what I've researched. You're like, you're not coming over for Thanksgiving. I'm just saying, like, you're a little weird. Here's another call to prayer. This is from Todd. A long way, a long way to go.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Banana phone. I don't even get it. I don't. Banana phone. I don't even get it. I don't get it either. I don't know anything about a banana phone. And I'm not going to answer it. Not without protection anyway. This one is from B.

B sent in a call to prayer. I like this one. This one is really good. Is this B. Arthur? Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Well done. Well done. done fades right in it's peaking like sandy rios though i'll tell you that that was good that well done that was a good one we got a great image for this episode my mom my wife was gonna actually make one but

once she saw this she's like i don't have to make one now. This is awesome. So this is the 300th episode. Someone totally stole Thomas' joke. It's great. And put our faces on two ripped guys. Actually, no, that's my body, and Tom is superimposed. Definitely, that's me.

Actually, yeah. That's like fucking – I could fit four of those guys in me. Are you kidding me? But they superimposed our faces over the 300 guys i don't think you should mention how many guys i was gonna say yeah i'm like someone's gonna use i'm like pastor steven anderson i can fit a whole bunch of guys four dicks in the mouth whoa i love it can someone just really crappily paste my face somewhere in that picture? No, no, no. I'll be on your bicep.

Your Photoshop would crash if there was any attempt to make you look tough. Okay, that's fine. I get it. Steal all my jokes about IQs and everything else. IQ is a really good one. That's really good, though. And just Photoshop me out of your podcast, guys. Like you Photoshopped me out of your heart. Cy sent this you're photoshopping me out of your heart.

Sy sent this one, and this is a call to prayer. Allah is the greatest. Allah is the greatest. How is your racism? I personally absolutely love L-O-V-E. Allah is the laugh. Racist! So good. Jerry sent in two.

She sent in a corn one that I'm not going to play, but she sent in a funk one that I will play. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. I like that. Love me. It's short, too. I know.

Good job. Nicely done, Jerry. All right. One more. This is George. it's short too good job nicely done jerry all right one more this is george my wife hates this song. Can't stand it. Is it Warren Zevon? Is that who sings this? Is that what this is? Do you guys know? I don't know.

It's a fucking awful song. It's way before your time, buddy. So this is Dustin's. I don't know what that is, but it's funny. It's from Robot Chicken. It's the beginning of Robot Chicken. I like it. Thank you for joining us. That was a lot of fun.

I had a great time. Did you have a good time? Yeah. Did you enjoy yourself? Mm-hmm. We had a great time. Did you have a good time? Yeah. Did you enjoy yourself? Mm-hmm. We're glad you came. You know, now you've had real pizza,

and you've enjoyed the sights and sounds of Chicago that you slept through. And it's gotten immensely hot in here as we've worked our way through the evening. It is so hot in here. Having that extra heat-generating body just really put it over the top. I mean, Tom. So if people were going to find your podcast, where would they look? I would love it if people checked out Atheistically Speaking and Comedy Shoe Shine if you just want a comedy podcast. And then if you would like someone to read the boring Bible to you, go to Thomas and the Bible. And that's all three of them.

Awesome. Well, thanks for joining us. And that's going to wrap it up for 300. Congratulations on 300 episodes, Tom. Yeah, it's an accomplishment that we just had to do, and nobody stopped us. That's pretty much it. Pretty much we just buy space on Libsyn and just talk.

I mean, to call it an accomplishment is basically just a lie. Okay, that's fair. We did it. Well, let's leave you with the skeptic's creed. All right. Credulity basically just a lie. Yeah, okay. That's fair. Yeah, we did it. Well, let's leave you with the skeptic's creed. All right. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating,

pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Leo, Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive.

Doubt even this. families, or of the local dairy council. you