Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 317: Vulgarity for Charity - Part 1

Episode Date: September 26, 2016

Vulgarity for charity:  

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Cecil and Tom from Colorado Springs. Wanted to let you guys know that my four-month-old son just laughed for the first time while I was listening to Cognitive Dissonance, the Ike part of your podcast. We were all laughing, and he joined in. So just like to let you know that according to the Greeks, you guys are responsible for my son having a soul. Glory hole. Glory hole.

Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance This is Cognitive Dissonance. and Cecil is distracting me with lesbian cowgirls. Is there any other kind of lesbian, though? I mean, let's be honest. Oh, she's a little tomboyish. She's a lesbian. That's their thing. That's not actually.

This is 317. It is episode 317. This is a very interesting, special, fun, ridiculous show. We're doing the Vulgarity for Charity later on with the guys from, well, let me think. Atheistically, no, that's not it. It's somebody who has like three shows. And it's not Thomas. It's not Thomas.

It would be Heath, Noah, and Eli from The Scathing Atheist, from Gam, God Awful Movies, and occasionally from Skeptocrat when they get around to it. They're on the same incredulous production schedule. Hey, no. It's not that bad. It's not that bad. They put out an episode once in a while at least. They put out one this year. And somebody listens to it.

Oh, Jesus. But we get into the Vulgarity for Charity event a little later on. But we're going to start with, we're really going to start with Lesbian Farmers. Yeah, no, yeah, Lesbians in. And I'll tell you what, I plan to finish with the Lesbian Farmers too. You don't have to zoom in too many times. It's from the Daily Dot. Rush Limbaugh warns that federally paid, federally paid, now something my tax dollars I feel good about.

I'm like, I'm okay with this. Yeah. I'll tell you what. Less missiles, more 20-inch dildos. That's what I'm talking about. Less destroyers, more destroy her. Rush Limbaugh awards a federally paid

lesbian farmers could invade your town. What do I have to do to make it happen? Rush could. Is there an application that I have to fill out? Literally anything

I need to sacrifice to make this happen because I do it. Seems like I gotta tell you the lesbian farmers, that is the original reverse cowgirl. Yeah. I don't know

if it's reverse. It's more subtract. So this is Rush Limbaugh. This is him saying on his August 17th airing of a show that I guess is still a thing. It's on Premier Radio Network. He says, Have you heard about the Agriculture Department's financial grants to lesbian

farmers? No, I have not. But again, you've piqued my interest. He says, What they're trying to do is convince lesbians to become farmers. Now he's responding. That doesn't make any sense. Who's going to plow the field? I mean... They are good at furrows, though.

But not enough seed. It is true. It is true. It's definitely not enough seed. So what he's commenting on is the 15th annual nationwide LGBT rural summit. I think both attendees. summit i think both attendees i'm just envisioning like a giant like very very butchy lesbian have you ever seen you ever seen blazing saddles when the guy rides in on the ox just envisioning one butchy lesbian sort of riding on the ox. I was like, fuck that. No, no, no.

I just want to know how much for a bushel. Actually, it's 2016. You got to shave your bush. You got to make sure you go down. Clean that up. Just want one row. One row. And you can't plant two different kinds of seeds in that row.

Actually can't plant seeds in that row at all. You need a landing strip for the crop duster. This is the worst thing we've ever done. I don't care at all. It's so bad. I don't even know if this story is about it. I don't either. It doesn't matter to me at all.

So the rural summit. Yeah, so there's a rural LGBT summit. I don't even care. You know, you get like four or five people to come out of the gay log cabin. You know what I mean? The log cabin when Republicans get a chance to come out. You know, the problem with this story is I've already blown my wad. There was no one there to appreciate it.

In fact, everyone just looked at you with disdain. Who invited you? God. He says, I'm like you. No, you're not. We're already. No. You're like four of me.

And I'm a fat guy. Fuck off. It says, I never before in my life knew that lesbians wanted to be farmers. I never knew that lesbians wanted to get behind the horse and the plow and start burrowing. I never knew it. Is it really called burrowing? Is that what like rabbits do? It's like what moles do.

Farmers don't burrowing? Isn't that what rabbits do? It's like what moles do. Farmers don't burrow? What an asshole. Like they're burrowing down to hibernate for winter? These lesbian farmers, like their hands and knees just chomping dirt back behind them. Digging the extensive series of tunnels.

Yeah, underneath the farmland for no reason. Popping their heads out. So, I mean, I guess he's just upset that gay people exist. I mean, am I getting that right? I guess he's offended that lesbians want to be farmers. Who cares what they want to be? Well, and I think he's mad that it's federally paid. Well, a lot of farmers are federally paid.

And that's the thing. They're federally paid by subsidies. There's a lot of subsidies. We subsidize the ever-loving shit out of farming. We pay farmers sometimes not to plant crops so that there's not too much crops in the system. We control supply and demand that way. And then they subsidize corn in a huge way.

So corn gets used and it's cheap. And so then we have cheap food products that we can eat. Import and export and turn into fuels. And I mean, it's like the government, the federal government just shits tons of money into agriculture. I don't care where it comes from. I don't care what the fucking sexual proclivities of the farmers are. I don't care if you're fucking the cows.

Like, I really don't. Like, is the beef still there? Like, I don't care if you're fucking the cows like i really don't like is the beef still there like i don't care that's an interesting kobe beef normally it gets massaged from the outside whatever makes that cow happy i don't know that cow's gonna be happy happy. Well, yeah. Yeah. And you want to call me crazy? Go to hell. Call me crazy all you want. So this is from Right Wing Watch. This is Dave Coach.

Coach. Coach. Doc Coach. Doc Coach. Not Doc Coach. A Coach. Not actually a coach. No coach.

Coach a what? He's just a guy that wears a hat. Like, does wearing a hat make you a coach? I wouldn't even believe he's a LeM No coach. Coach a what? He's just a guy that wears a hat. Does wearing a hat make you a coach? I wouldn't even believe he's a Le Mans coach or whatever. Does buying a stethoscope make me a doctor? Le Mans isn't it. Le Mans is a course. It's like a race track.

Although I guess you could make a race out of Le Mans. You get two women and just fucking... Trying to shit a baby out as fast as they can. I'm going to win. They just hyperventilate. I'm going to win. They just hyperventilate. They lean over and shoot it out to try to maybe put it through the uprights. Jesus Christ.

It won't go all the way. It's like a cork gun because it's connected. It's got that connection. It's connected. It's safe for kids. It's a little baby bungee. Not for that kid, but other kids. Other kids, yeah.

It's like a baby bungee cord. Oh, it's right back in. It's a little baby. Not for that kid, but other kids. Other kids, yeah. It's like a baby bungee cord. Oh, it's right back in. It's right back in. Depends on how many they've had beforehand. Jesus. The 19 or counting, yeah, that shit, it's like a paddle ball. It's like in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out. 19 and counting, there's no patong because there's no

pressure still to build up. It's just It's just like a God damn it. pressure still to build up it's just it's it's it's just like a it makes the sound it makes the sound that the alien mother makes when it lays the eggs in that movie where it's like they just hear that sorry and just like shits out an egg and the aliens we don't talk about, right? You've seen that. That's 19 and counting.

At some point, you've had so many children, it's an overpossessor. Also, it's 20 and counting now, just so you know. Is it really? Yeah. She's preggers again, I think. 20? Yeah, yeah. She's going to shit another.

20? Yeah, she's going to be one fifth of the way to a century. You're at a point where you can't even buy enough eggs in a package to where everybody gets an egg right you can't even do it you can't even buy one and a half right to get it like you get the big thing of like a dozen and a half eggs you're like no everyone might want one i need I need to get another. How many turkeys are there on Thanksgiving? Hey, bring the whole family. What if they all, oh my God, 20 kids.

That's a lot of kids. That's a litter. You're a Dalmatian at that point. Does she lay on her side and they just feed on one of her eight teats? That's amazing. No, that's how she gives birth. That's the sound of her giving birth 20 kids We don't have to do that anymore

It's 2016 You've got choices They're not going to die of the fucking scarlet fever Jesus how big is your farm You don't need to make extras Just in case Alright let's listen to Dom and Meyer here A coach

Listen I watched a video last night I don't have time to show it to you Jesus Christ. All right, let's listen to Don Meyer here. That coach, a coach, pardon me. Not actually a coach. Listen, I watched the video last night. I don't have time to show it to you. Guys, this blew my mind. This blew my mind. You're going to have to Google it, or maybe at some point I can get it on the website. This lady broke this thing down, and she shows us that Hillary,

you ready? Are you ready, Tom? I'm ready. Are you ready? I'm ready. I'm looking. The coach is asking. The coach plays for... He plays for Team...

Team... Team Hanger Upper. He's got the cross up there. It is. It's like the fucking New Jersey Crucifixes or something. What really happened was Hillary took a perp walk. You know what a perp walk is? no that's not somebody who is a criminal the best part is that his voice is with a sound so if you watch this video he looks like he's

taught it looks like his character is a foreign language character and this has been overdubbed so he's like he's like some italian who's trying talk about – he's like in his own spaghetti western. Just starring just him. Just Daubinbair. Just him. And they arrest him and they walk. And what we witnessed, according to this video, what we witnessed with Hillary was a perp walk. They arrested her.

Yes, but they did it privately in secret. A perp walk? A quiet, private, secret, public perp walk. Oh. A quiet, private, secret, public perp walk. Oh. That's what we would have to believe in order for this to be true, is that they chose to arrest her publicly, but privately too,

so that nobody knows and nobody reported on it, and it was kind of secretive, and they made it look like it wasn't that. It's not something that happened. You don't do private, public, secret stuff, because those are contradictory things. She clearly looks like she's falling over. She does not look like she's – I wonder if he's going to say like she was in the throes of like being really upset then or something. Because I can't – how – why else would she – I think he's saying that they're slapping handcuffs on her at that moment.

I will fucking straight bet that that's what he's getting at, is that they are arresting her in that video. And this lady pointed out on this film something I had never, ever noticed. It appears Hillary's handcuffed and shackled. Shut the fuck up. And shackled. Nobody would shackle a 68-year-old lady. What are you going to shackle her for? So she doesn't break a hip hobbling away? Exactly. Hillary Clinton

flight risk. Are you kidding me? Nobody will notice if I just get on this airplane and fly to Brazil. Oh my god. Yeah, the fucking, the Secretary of State has been shackled. Yeah, the Democratic... And nobody got a good picture of it. Nobody got a

photo of it, Tom. And the police chose to arrest her and shackle her and handcuff her in a public place but to do it so private and secret that nobody actually knows that it happened. So it's, again, the private-secret-public thing.

So this is crazy. I thought so too until I looked at the film. Because, listen, there's no other reason. Well, tinfoil hat. Oh, yeah. Is he calling himself out for having a tinfoil hat? I think he's going to say that the prevailing story of her being ill is the tinfoil hat theory. Oh, my God. I feel like I understand these people.

Why do I do this? I feel like I understand. feel like I understand these people. Why do I do this? I feel like I Why do I understand these people? You gotta eat a gun now. I think that's your path. I'm just gonna go home. I'm gonna put two of them up to my head so that I don't fucking survive under any

circumstances. Why else would they ever stand in my pole? They would never ever do that. But maybe she was fucking gonna fall down. Why would she be by a pole? Why else would they stand her standing by a pole? They would never ever do that. But maybe she was fucking going to fall down. Why would she be by a pole? Why else would they be standing by a pole? She was wobbly on her feet. America's full of poles. We use them for lighting and

electric. Why would you be in here on a pole? Actually, I think that was one of those poles that they put around federal areas where you can't drive a truck in. As I recall the video Pull up the video. Find this video. Yeah, let's find the video. Those polls are those fucking

pylon things they put around federal areas so you can't fucking drive a fucking truck full of explosives into it. Right. Like, there's a poll there because, and look, she's clearly fucking leaning on it. She's leaning on it because she's fucking woozy. Yeah.

Okay, let's see the shackles. I want to watch for shackles. I didn't see shackles. You can't see her hands or her feet in the video. And you can see when you look at the video, her hands are behind her. No wonder she tripped and fell. If her feet were shackled.

Nobody would shackle her feet. She's not fucking Hannibal Lecter. You're not going to put her in a fucking furniture dolly and wheel her around. And Mr. President, love the suit. Can you imagine? I would love to see Hillary Clinton. We want a little bath, please. She's like.

I ate Monica Lewinsky's liver with a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti. That's okay. Your husband ate something else. Is that right? Oh, you beat me to it. Bill beat us both to it. That's true. That's all I'm going to feed you, okay?

Yeah. Like Bill. That's it. Monica something. I'll get the video out so you guys can look at that. You think I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm telling you, this is a very, very, all of them are convincing.

All of them are convincing. All the videos I watch that are crazy are convincing. But this one, extra super crazy convincing. Look, I'm easily convinced as evidenced by my Christianity hat. Right? You can just tell me that there's a magic guy in the sky and I live forever and ever and it's super sweet and I'll believe you. Look, here's the only thing I have to believe is that there's a magic man who sent himself, but he was really his kid. He killed him so we wouldn't all have to feel sad about dying later.

But anyway, I don't believe crazy tinfoil hat stuff. Want to contact the guys? Go to DissonancePod.com to get links to their Google+, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. If you want to contact them directly, send an email to Dissonance.Podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Do you want to support the show? Go to patreon.com.

That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com forward slash dissonance pod. Or click the link on the podcast homepage, and you can donate to the production of Cognitive Dissonance on a per-episode basis. If you can't spare any money, take a second to give us a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher or spread the word about the show. We want to send a big, heartfelt

glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. So we are joined now, Tom. We are. By the scathing atheist crew. Heath, Noah, and Eli. Guys, welcome to the show.

I hear a little later we're going to get the gam crew. And then maybe the skeptocrats will swing by. It's a huge cast. Same size as QED's podcast roster I hear. It's like fucking Thrill Kill Cult took the stage. So, guys, we have been teaming up together to do this Vulgarity for Charity. And we have, according to Eli's numbers here at this point, raised $7,500. And then we are donating $3,000.

We're over $10,000 now. Now, we is us, not them, specifically. They're not donating any money. I just want to point out. Just us. It's just us. Just you and I. It's a vulgarity for charity. If we're going to insult people, we should insult ourselves. We're right over there.

I say fuck a lot in this upcoming segment. Usually I get paid for my fucks. I'm donating my fucks for free this time. You were going to give six, but then you got divorced. Whatever. We're donating three grand.

I got to make six before we do it. Terrible. Fuck. I did a status about Skittles that people seem to like. If you guys want some of that, can I share that around?

My kids got to eat something, so I'm going to share it around now. So, yeah. So, guys, welcome to the show. We're going to be doing a little vulgarity for charity here. We've got a bunch of people to roast, but I do want to talk a little bit about how people can play along. So, Noah, can you tell them how they can play along? Yeah, sure.

First thing you want to do is go to modestneeds.org. And if you want, check out the website. Spend some time there. I think it's a really good site. You know, as a person who basically makes his living through crowdfunding, I'm really happy to see charities like Modest Needs that seem to be doing it right. They're vetting the people. They're making sure that, you know, that nobody's gaming the system. The money goes directly to their debtors.

It goes to the people, you know, who it goes to the bank that owns the lead on their house or their car or whatever. Or it goes straight to the hospital to pay the medical bills. In other words, it doesn't go into their hands. So you can help families without that nagging feeling of, you know, like, where's my money really going? So anyway, you check out modestneeds.org. You can either make a donation directly to the charity or you can browse requests for help and find a particular family that you want to help, somebody whose story speaks to you specifically. You make a donation of $20 or more.

You email the receipt for that donation to vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com and along with a person that you'd like us to make fun of and we will make fun of that person. And you'll be helping someone and hurting someone at the same time. It kind of balances things out. We like to keep it at a zero here at Atheism.

And it's helpful if they send a photo of the person if they're not like a well-known person. Sometimes when you just say, hey, insult Bill. And you're like, fucking Bill? I don't know anything about Bill. Yeah, right, right. You don't even know how much. Get him, guys.

He deserves it. I'm sure he does. Send me a fucking picture. All the kids I bullied in high school had faces. So, Eli, Eli, I know you've been pounding the pavement out there trying to get as many people as you can

to be guest roasters, to be celebrity roasters. Can you tell us some of the lineup of some of those people? We've got Tracy Harris coming on from the Atheist Experience. We've got the Psy Babe coming on and a whole bunch of others. Trav Mamone from the

By Any Means podcast and a whole bunch of other podcasting and comedy friends. A couple of ones that we just added today that I'm very excited about. Of course David Smalley. I don't know if you guys have heard of him. He's a very famous podcaster. How did you get through his email filters? I unsubscribed from that

fourth listener thing. Guaranteed to get a call every time. So he contacted you, is what you're saying. David Smalley is going to be doing it, and Angelo Madrid, who does all the cartoons and did the cartoons for Christian Movie Bingo, for those who win, he's going to do a

pictorial roast he will draw an unflattering picture of the person in the picture he's donated that to the cause there or in Tom's case we call that a selfie and in order to win any of our celebrity guest roasters you'll hear some of those tonight but in order to win you donate

$50 or more. Email the proof of that to vulgarity4charity, that's the word, not the number, at gmail.com with a picture and some info about who it is you want us to roast.

And we've got a ton of stuff coming up. We've got songs and all sorts of special stuff planned for the next couple of sessions of this. It's going to be a really good time. If you're thinking about donating at home after you hear this, I'm sure you're going to want to donate because it's going to be an absolute hoot. But you're definitely going to want to try to get that in soon. Now, we extended the time that

we're going to be doing this. We were initially just going to go until the 25th, but now we're actually going to be going until the 30th. So it closes on the 30th. You have to get it in by the 30th. If you do, we're going to have another episode. We're going to have three episodes worth of this. We're going to be on Scathing once and then twice on this show. So make sure to get your donations in. 20 bucks gets you an insult.

50 bucks gets you a chance at a celebrity roaster. So our first roast request is from Ian, who'd like us to roast Rick Healy, a tattoo-covered Nazi sympathizer in a band he knows. And since it takes one to know one, Heath, why don't you go first? I had a feeling. Okay,

he looks like a racist middle school student, got bored in class, and started drawing all over me. Somewhere there's an egg timer counting down until you have a motorcycle crash without a helmet and turn in class and started drawing all over me instead of outside of a book. Somewhere there's an egg timer counting down until you have a motorcycle crash without a helmet and turn to Jesus.

We got a donation from Rachel telling us a bit about her ginger boyfriend Paul, and I think I'd like to volunteer Noah for this one. Well, you know, I heard a rumor that Paul is extra sensitive to gingers don't have souls jokes, and while I have to admit that's true, from the looks of the picture, they don't have balls either. Paul looks like a failed attempt to cryogenically freeze a steroid-less carrot top to foist him upon future generations.

Yeah. And interrupt people while they're trying to watch the Dark Knight rise. Oh, shit. Oh, Paul looks like the birthday cake Oreo of humans. Ouch. All right, Cecil, this next one's for you. David sent us some pictures of him and his lovely wife asking that we insult him. Go for it.

You kind of look like you made it into the Kohl's catalog in an alternate universe where they change the requirements for looking good to nepotism. the requirements for looking good to nepotism you two are you two are like the kind of cousins that have a kid and high five when it only has microcephaly just jumping up and down in a hallway zika zika before it was cool hey y'all we're gonna save on the hat budget the same one will fit him for life. It's so great. It's a little fucking crocheted beanie. It's like a live action remake of the Conan. He's in. He's in.

And Eli, we got a donation from Jordan asking us to roast his ex, Kiki. That can't possibly be a real name. Anybody named Kiki has to be an ex. There's no current name Kiki. Ridiculous. So here's a photo. Oh, well, hey, I would love to roast Kiki, but he accidentally sent us a picture of that fat Hawaiian guy who's singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Jesus, fucking Kiki must be buying washing detergent. You're gonna want a second bag. Seriously. Jesus, fucking Kiki must be like buying washing detergent. You're gonna want a second bag. Seriously, Kiki looks like they opened the person mold before she was dry. Oh, this is great. We're gonna put this right over here. What's it called? It's a Kiki? Nice.

Okay, next up, two skeptical friends in a row. Eli, Daniel would like you to roast Andy Cohen of the Oh Really podcast, and Heath, Brian Eggo of the Glasgow Skeptics. I believe that's Glass-Gow. Glass-Gow. Glass-Gow is correct, yes. They like it when you do that a lot. We'd like you to take those organized bastards at the Edenberg Skeptics down a peg.

I'm sorry, that's Edinburgh? Sean Slater. Edinburgh. Edinburgh, I believe. I'll go first. I'm going to go that Andy looks like an ad for chemical castration, like the cops hand you the third time they bring you in for touching

bread near a schoolyard. When God designed Andy's face, the color description on the order form was Princess Pink. He looks like the people at Real Doll answer hi, Andy, when he calls. Andy, how's your Thursday going?

Good day. It's in the mail. We've got your credit card on file, sir. Stop calling and checking, Andy. We got you. Don't worry. We're going to get it to you by Thursday. We've got your credit card on file, sir. Stop calling and checking, Andy. We got you. Don't worry. We're going to get it to you by Thursday. You've got real doll prime.

Real doll prime. I don't want to know what comes in the fucking prime pantry box. Yes, you do. Mine's always only 37% full. Uh-oh. Yes, you do. Mine's always only 37% full. All right.

So I got the Eden Berger skeptics and the Sean Slater guy. Okay. The Edinburgh skeptics look like the cast of Trainspotting 2. That's a fucking cast of Trainspotting 2. Except for Sean Slater, who can't do any heroin because all his needles are clogged with melted cheese. Sean has the real brave heart. He looks like a professional darts player gave up on his workout regimen. Alright, this next one is for me.

We got a donation from brothers Earl and Mike asking that we roast the other. So in the name of killing two nerds with one stone, I'm going to challenge myself to roast these gentlemen simultaneously by telling them what they have in common. And in the interest of due diligence, and let it not be said that I don't do any work for this show, I did a little bit of digging on Earl and Mike to find out what they might actually have in common.

I'll tell you this much. So maybe it's not my place to say it out loud, but they don't have in common the same dad. Sorry to break it to you guys. But I will say that you do have something in common, and that is your mom's a fucking whore. And thank

you for your donation. And damn it, if I have to do a rant, then so should someone else. Eli, we got a donation from Elizabeth who writes that she doesn't have anyone to insult, but she would like to hear your unedited thoughts. And she is the only one, by the way. On Harry.

If we were doing this for charity, we would not be doing this at all. Nobody wants Eli's unedited thoughts. I can't even get through that. The idea of Eli's unedited thoughts makes me sick to my fucking heart. And that is a place where you can get sick to when Eli's unedited thoughts are involved. On Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.

Ooh, good. Okay, well, spoiler alert. Nothing has been so disappointing as that fucking piece of fan fiction gone wrong. And I now know how everyone I've ever fucked feels. Shin Gonrong and I now know how everyone I've ever fucked feels. J.K. Rowling is like a one trick pony if the first six and a half books were a beautiful back

flip but then the pony spent the rest of forever asking people if they wanted to see another back flip but then giving them AIDS. And this was really the peak of it. Like J.K. I get it. You're out of ideas. Book writing is hard and you really only had one soul to sell to the devil but spend some money. Tweet about Donald Trump. Fucking molest the kid.

Literally, she could molest a kid one a day for the rest of her life and upset less children. Oh, Jesus. It was this piece, like it just one at a time. Eventually people would stop buying the passes to her house. It was like someone asked a freshman psych major what the most important part about the first book was and then plugged it into Google Translate and set the language to 15-year-old who cuts. It was unimaginative, unoriginal, at best, and fucking ridiculous at worst.

And the thing we love most about Harry Potter is the world, right? It's this huge, expansive universe filled with, like, fascinating things and characters, and in a two-part play she introduces nothing new, just shittier versions of the stuff that was good. But worst of all, very worst, she made Voldemort fuck someone. Voldemort,

snake guy. Question, was he hard right away? Did Bellatrix need to suck his dick a little first? Was he embarrassed? Was he like, oh, I swear, this never happens to me. Everyone at the mansion didn't notice Bellatrix need to suck his dick a little first? Was he embarrassed? Was he like, oh, I swear, this never happens to me. Everyone at the mansion didn't notice Bellatrix's pregnancy cravings. It's just people running out for toadstools and rocky road ice cream. Fuck you.

Fuck you for taking the only good thing you've ever done and make it unreadable. This was the crystal skull of Harry Potter. Oh. Wow. That was inside for a while i just painted the garage well as expected that was boring boring i had to fucking throw a peanut at me to wake me up that it was over

that's how everyone i've ever fucked feels That's my line now That's my line So to cure everyone Before you start masturbating to your favorite kind of elf It's a cantacorm Nobody cares Nobody cares We're going to go with a sports double feature

Noah, Heath, we got a donation from Aaron Who'd like us to make fun of Hal Steinbrenner And Wes, who gave us a donation to make fun of Hal Steinbrenner and Wes who gave us a donation to make fun of Dan Snyder. So I'd like to challenge you gentlemen to make fun of them in the style of your favorite sports announcer. Okay. Hal Steinbrenner looks like a

lawyer for the new Confederacy. And if John Sterling was announcing his career, it'd go something like this. Civil War over. Rebels win. Rebels win. Rebels win. All right, I got Dan Snyder. I'll go with John Madden

as my favorite announcer. See, the problem with insulting Dan Snyder is that if his ass gets beat, you're in a good shit. You see this right here? You see this right over here? It looks like this.

He's an extra cut from the Wolf of Wall Street for using bacon grease as a hair product. You can't put the bacon grease in your hair or you smell like a pig. If this human turducken was any more racist and jiggly, his nickname would be General Custard. In football, you run. You run with the football and score points.

Sorry, my accent just completely changed to a Jew by the end of it. They always do. John Madden, secret Jew. Not a lot of people know that. Happens to Eli all the time. I thought we were talking to Eli's dad. Noah sounded dead? Oh, you're dead, Stan.

Okay, this next one is for you, Cecil. We got a donation from Becca. Becca's not even a whole name. I write down what they emailed us. She went with the B-E-K. Alright, that's not my fault. I'm changing that. We got a donation from Bika.

Because if you're going to write your name like that, I'm changing it. We got a donation from Bika, who would like us to roast her beloved husband, Alex Alex who enjoys video games and joins his wife in dressing up for the Renaissance Fair. How is he married? You should see the look Tom is giving me right now

at the Renaissance Fair. See, so I figured this would be in your wheelhouse. I am kind of an authority when it comes to this sort of thing. So, Becca, m'lady, pardon me. This is for your husband. You look like a fucking soup sandwich, cadet. What the fuck kind of doublet is that?

Is your waist of your fucking knees, son? Look at that fucking collar. You look like Goose from Top Gun, not Porthos, you anachronistic twat. Are those fucking glasses? Are you fucking kidding me? Where'd you get them? Renaissance pearl vision? Firefames weren't even

fucking invented back then. You call yourself a fucking courtier? All right, okay. I think I kind of worked myself a blow for that one. Let me see if I can

shift gears here. Let's see if I can do a little different here. You look like someone who gets excited and claps really awkwardly when there's a fabric sale at Joanne Fabrics.

Like a trim sale. That clap, you know, with the hands. Fingertip to fingertip. You look like someone who beats off to Fiendfolio. Alex looks like the first three times in his life he got beat up. He held up his hands for old-timey fisticuffs. He's like Ichabod Crane

got raped by Shakespeare. Except for so unmanly. You know what I mean? Marcus of Queensbury. I'm just gonna hang you by your underwear again. Marcus of Queensbury? Next up, I've got a horrible boss's double feature.

We got a donation from Amanda asking us to roast her jingoistic former boss, whose interests include not understanding that mother's need for babysitters, stupid patriotism memes, and taking her middle management position at a soap factory? Way too seriously. How do you take that seriously at all?

Ever. Even one time. Ever. It's ridiculous. And a donation from Kristen asking us to roast her former boss who enjoys Jesus, telling drug addicts they can't get clean without Jesus, and having eight kids and counting. Oh, Jesus. So Eli and Cecil, I have a challenge for you.

I'd like you to roast them as Ben Carson instructing Hillbilly God to make them. Go. Well, Hillbilly God, I have to tell you, it's been a pleasure. I'm so excited to make an actual human asshole here. So, Ken Fenner, I figured I'd just start with a failed circumcision. Add the freckles of Ron Howard and top it off with this jar of barista beard you left open. Fuck. Oh, hey, man.

That's not a jar. That's the pyramids. You see, I used to store grain in there. Anywho, I thought I'd start out with like half a Duggar vagina. You know, those things can really produce. I mean, she won't get up to 20 little piglets, but she'll be laying them eggs out like a young hen. And, oh, Ben, I just wanted to let you know that when I told you to run, I wasn't talking about the presidency. I was just a southern boy

talking to a black man. That's all. I agree. My life does not matter. Is we sick? Oh, we should do the whole show that way. Yeah, right? Heath, this one is for you. This is from Weston, who sent a picture of him and his daughter to an email that Eli has access to for some reason.

Not smart. Okay, Weston looks like an NFL lineman who's about to say, the Yeshiva University. It's a ridiculous picture. His picture of him holding his daughter. It looks like they're about to get Hasidic married right after nap time. Not great. What if you're going to fuck through a sheet with Elmo on it? I wrote that and deleted that seven times.

No, no, that lives forever. Okay, I want to introduce the next one. So, as some of you might know, we actually do have fans we like more than the others. It's like kids, except not as easy to pick. And one of Noah's favorite fans, our buddy Mark, wrote in asking us to roast him. So, why don't you go ahead and roast the nice veteran we met at Reason. Yeah, one of the nicest humans I've ever...

Oh, you're an asshole. All right, Mark, I'm doing it because I love you. Okay. Mark looks like the retarded dwarf that they left out of the Lord of the Rings. He looks like the Google image result of fired mall Santa. Dude, I'm sorry.

You look like if you're underserved at McDonald's, you start yelling about who died face down in the mud for once. Now it's time for our very first guest roasters, Callie Wright and Ari Stillman from the Gatheist Manifesto. But before we get to what we made them say, we've had a special request from Jeremiah, whoever that is.

Jeremiah? Wait, who is that? I mean, like, I'm serious. Like, who is that? I have a bullfrog. He's on Bobby and Ashley's show, which is the thing. You know, he's the guy. Bobby and Ashley. On Bobby and Ashley's show. Oh, yeah, the guy with the teeth. I know you're talking about. They loan him out down there the guy on Bobby and Ashley's show. Oh, yeah, the guy with the teeth.

I know you're talking about. They loan him out down there. I got him this week. You get him next week. That really does narrow it down in Georgia, though, yeah. He asked that we roast Ari, and Ari requested a roast for Jeremiah. So before they get here, let's do it. Now I'm going to nominate Eli because his jokes

about other podcasters always go over so well. No, no, no. Fuck you guys. You have to join in. Let's get Heath Doxed again. Isn't that guy dead? Nobody cares. Oh, fuck! Jeremiah looks like he's totally going to go out

and die for humanity's sins just as soon as he saves up enough money to move out of his mom's basement. I was going to get to that. Oh, fuck. All right, I'm going to get them both here. Thanks to testosterone and genetics, if Ari and Jeremiah ever fuck, they'll get to flip a coin as to which one has the penis. It's like rubbing two elevator buttons together.

Oh, Jesus. That's so terrible. I heard Jeremiah is amazing at eating pussy, but that can't be true because he doesn't look like an Ouroboros. I think Ari likes to tell people she's non-binary gender just to blow their minds because she's afraid to blow anything else. Ari looks like the boy who cried Twiggy. Ari applied for a sex change and got a full refund. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, quick before people dwell, I've got a two-fer

These are supposed to be like Friendly roasts? Nope, not good at friendly my friend You said insult people You said it out loud You said it out loud in everything You get to apologize on their show man Okay I got one. I think

what draws Ari and Jeremiah together is how much they have in common on their respective shows. You know, pussies that don't belong there. Seriously, I love Ari and Jeremiah, but if Jeremiah wants to fuck Ari, he's going to have to start dressing like the patriarchy.

And quick, while everyone is mad at us, let's hear from Callie and Ari, who our first winner is. Hi, I'm Callie Wright from the Gaytheist Manifesto. And I'm Ari. And these are the terrible things they made us say about our very first winners. Our first winner is Chris, who gave us money and assures us he's a

gay, atheist, vegan SJW. And his picture appears to be him sitting on a plane. Last time Chris chatted up someone on a plane, they slammed it into a field in Pennsylvania. If you want to get a mental image of Chris, go ahead and picture a full grown man emerges from vagina.

You nailed it. You look like a librarian on Grindr for the first time. Binder. You look like a librarian on Grindr for the first time. Binder. You look like ZZ Bottom. Our second winner is Heather, who donated money and asked us to roast homophobic hate preacher Ken Adkins, who's such an asshole, even I don't think his life matters. Ken Adkins looks like Uncle Ben decided to inform on the Underground Railroad.

Ken Adkins looks like a witch brought one of Malcolm X's shits to life. I was aiming for him. Ken Adkins looks like a Tijuana donkey show abortion mishap. Ken Adkins looks like he's patiently waiting in line

to be the next human centipede and he won't stop calling middle. You're not doing dibs, Ken. Stop. These are crazy. They're like, pick me, pick me, pick me. Ken looks like he hops urinal cakes and vacuum seals the best ones for later. Okay, Kelly and Ari, thanks so much. Remember, when Ari hears the jokes we made, you said much worse stuff. Next up, I've got a twofer, and these ones are a gimme,

so I'm going to make it a bit of a challenge. Neil would like us to roast Nigel Farage, and Dan would like us to roast Michelle Bachman. So, Cecil, this one is for you and I. I'd like you to insult them both simultaneously and in a haiku. All right. If only she left her gay husband for Farage. Xenophobic love.

Marcus can't finish. He dreams not of Michelle's ass. Pulls out Brexit hard. Eli Heath. We've got a donation from Chris asking us to roast Giles Eric Cirellini, which I've certainly fucking mispronounced, the scientist who brought us the infamous Roundup study of 2012, and a donation from Lane and Rachel asking us to roast Thomas Monsoon, current CEO and prophet of the Mormon Church.

But I'm going to challenge you to do it only in compliments. Hmm. All right. I'm going to go with Thomas Monson. I like the way his head looks like a hot air balloon trying to escape from a bad suit. Shows good taste in suits. And looks like he's had a long, successful career as the consigliere for Freddy Krueger, which is a strong franchise.

Good businessman. Oh, that leaves me with Salieri or Suleimani or whatever. Okay. Gotta admit, I congratulate you on looking the same race as the kids you starve. Progressive. Oh my god! Also, not a lot of people make

the Salman Rushdie from International Gorillas the palette for their fashion choice. You've done a good job making sure journals really double and triple check their people before they publish. You and Andrew Wakefield. That's awesome. See, people say this isn't a nice way to raise money, right? Because it's not we got a donation from Jeremy asking us to make fun of his friend Kyle who enjoys enjoys halo drinking gamer

fuel fuel yeah I thought that was just fucking they take those guys that play Starcraft and in Korea and they just extract their semen. Someone's got to, because a woman's not doing it. They make it out of the worst-ranked South Korean gamer every year. It's not pretty, but it means they don't. Please, no. Good Lord. Halo, GamerFuel, and NASCAR. Oh, wow.

But best yet, Jeremy included a picture of him from his emo phase a few years ago. This is a good picture. Cecil, this is for you. This is a good picture. This is a good picture. You kind of look like a guy that stumbled on a NASCAR while looking for gay porn with the search terms coming up on the rear end. Just because all the vehicles are pretty colors and they follow each other doesn't mean it's a really fast gay pride parade. Okay, this is starting to get downright

chummy, so let's change that as soon as possible. We got a donation from Ben who'd like us to roast the Brian in his life, who's a failed athlete, current used car salesman, and used to stalk and threaten his ex. Oh, wow. You just put these on a tee for me, okay. Sounds like Josh Gordon.

Oh, good God, doesn't he look like all of those things you just said? Brian looks like a same upside down and right side up picture of a prolapsed anus. It looks like he carries a business card that says jazz rapist. I don't even know what that means, and it's amazing. Oh, I'm entirely convinced Brian is smooth-shaven, and he just permanently has caked shit in a circle around his mouth. All right, this next one is so good,

I'd like to introduce it if that's all right with you, Tom. Mary gave us some money, and she'd like to request that you tell us your thoughts about President Trump, but she insists that you call him President Trump. Oh, that's fucking rude. I'm so mad right now. That's so rude. Not as mad as you're going to be because I want to take it a step further.

So it's January 20th and President Trump is being sworn in. And you've been asked to give the inaugural speech in front of thousands. Go. Ladies. Okay. Ladies. Okay. All right. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, please choke back the bile that is burning the back of your throat.

And well, fuck. All right. Hang on. No, I got it. I got it. I can do it. Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud. No, fuck.

No. Okay. All right. Hold on. Hold on. Ladies and gentlemen, is with deep revulsion and the renunciation of my citizenship that I invite that swollen bag of inflamed testicles to take the stage. Fuck.

Fuck. Can we get a sniper? Please? Anyone? Please. I'm in the fucking secret services on lunch. Can we? This is your shot, guys.

Take. The horses are already. All right. Christ. This is it shot, guys. The horses are already. This is it. The death of hope. President Trump. And the one guy in the audience. Yeah, right. It's Trump. And then Rania gives the Gettysburg Address. Yay me.

I'm going to brush my teeth and wash my face before I move on because I just fucking threw up. Okay, next up we got a donation from Alex who would like us to roast his brother Austin who listens to brush my teeth and wash my face before I move on because I just fucking threw up. Okay, next up, we got a donation from Alex. Who would like us to roast his brother, Austin, who listens to both our shows and who Alex assures us is a big fan of both us, rock climbing, and Magic the Gathering. He also included a picture of him shirtless doing a puzzle of a tiger. Eli, seems like that's in your books. Oh, I have never been so certain that someone fucked a puzzle. Tinder uses Austin's picture as a function test to make sure it's possible for people to swipe left.

Oh, shit. He looks like an embarrassing college photo of the god Pan. He's like, meh, put that away, come on. Guys. He's like, meh, put that away. Come on. Guys. Okay, next up, Heath, we got a donation from Charles who asked us to insult him.

He used to play Dungeons and Dragons and reads Lord of the Rings every year. He also works as a botanist. Jesus, he's doing all the work himself. However, he's too much of a chick in to send us a picture, so I'd like you to describe him based on what we know about him, sketch artist style. Go. Oh, wow. Okay. Don't know much.

All right. Let's start with the face, which is probably still covered by the back of his underwear since middle school. So you don't have to worry about the face itself. I'm guessing you can see his name written in sharpie on the tag and his mom's handwriting. All right. And if you're sketching along at home, I want you to draw zero vaginas anywhere near him on the page. Good.

Good. Okay. But wait, wait, wait. That's not fair, though. He did say he's got a wife now, so draw one vagina and now draw it drying up. Like, imagine a sarlacc perfect done so look out for that dude no this next one is for you nate sent us a donation asking us to roast his bad friend

jeffrey his words not ours jeffrey skips work to pass a kidney stone and has two television screens in his living room no picture do what you will all right not a lot to work with uh since i don't have a picture i'm just gonna have to stick to personality here jeffrey's so whipped he's gonna have to ask his wife's permission to laugh at this joke motherfucker's so lazy he once jerked off by putting his dick in a fleshlight and then rolling down a hill and not a lot of people know this but je but Jeffrey's kidney stone was a medical first. First time the stone was bigger than the dick it came out of. He thought it grew. He's running up to his wife.

See? See? Those pills do work. Those pills I got. Should have traded that cow. And you told me to stop playing with it. All right. Well, on that note, I'd like to introduce our next guest roaster, Ishmael Brown, to the Angry Black Rant podcast.

I yo, this is Ishmael Brown, the HNIC of Angry Black Rant podcast. And our next winner is Jacob, who gave us that dough to insult his black friend Antonio. Oh, I see you motherfucking white people gave me the one black guy. Right. Maybe there's probably like two black motherfuckers to be roasted and y'all pulling one of them off on me and fuck y'all like i don't want a chance to shit on white people you know that's my thing right anyway let me get back to fucking jacob jacob writes to let me know that antonio is a black man who enjoys white women which i approve of winter sports which makes me sort of suspicious to be honest and has a misspelled cognitive dissonance tattoo on him. Fuck is that about, homie? Dude, I'm going to give you some jewels right now. If you're going to get white people's word tattooed on you, at least spell them right.

You know what you remind me of? You remind me of the black virgin and white girls that get Chinese words they don't understand tattooed on their ass. That's the type of shit you want right now. All right. All right all right i'm out and get your shit together antonio yeah the only person who should ever have a tattoo of the things tom says is cecil also you're the first black guy i've ever heard of who does winter sports which technically also makes you the only black guy that white people will let slide. And in the picture we got, he's wearing a helmet and goggles.

He's holding a snowboard and he's standing outside of what appears to be his Uncle Tom's ski cabin. Looks like fucking Clarence Thomas auditioned for Cool Runnings. Also, he's wearing a Blackhawks jersey and a Cubs jacket. He looks like one of Bill Swirsky's super fans in blackface. Oh, wow.

Okay, Cecil. He's even fucking choking on a sausage. Yeah, right? All right, Cecil, this next one is for you. Patrick gave us some money and asked us to roast his friend Bailey. He's a listener, a tech guy, and here's a picture. Oh, that's a good-looking guy there. He looks like he's standing in front of the most highly categorized

and extensive butt-plug testing center in the country. And from the photo, he looks pretty unsure about the one he's currently rating. Okay, Noah, this next one is for you. We got a donation from James asking him to roast his son, Jansen, which I presume next one is for you. We got a donation from James asking him to roast his son, Jansen, which I presume is purposely named Jansen.

It's like, what chance did he have? Jansen looks like my wife should be complaining about the length of his sentence. I'm not saying you weren't the fastest sperm. I'm saying it's equally likely you just roofied all the other ones. Distinct possibility. Okay, Eli, we got a donation from Audrey asking for you to say more things about Stephen Baldwin.

Ooh, ooh, okay, good. Fantastic. Stephen Baldwin looks like someone hit pause on the face-melting scene from Indiana Jones. He looks like the first shit John Goodman would take if he went on a juice cleanse. Stephen Baldwin found Jesus when his brothers told him

to find an agent who will bleed for him. And finally, Heath, this one is a bit of a challenge. We got a donation from Will asking us to make fun of his friend James, but there's no picture.

All he told us is that he's a redneck who drinks Coors Light. Ooh. He hunts, fishes, chews cud, and has a tramp stamp What better than Coors Light One of these things don't belong

How are you friends with this man? With that in mind With that in mind We'd like you to tell us what crime you think James Will be convicted of next Next Alright Well I'm guessing he bends over next to a mirror, sees the tramp stamp and tries to rape himself.

That's not the crime. I'm just assuming that's going to happen at some point. But he'll probably get convicted of assault when he goes to a Trump rally and punches Melania in the face because she looked Iranian. And tonight we'd like to invite our final guest roasters on the show Thomas Smith and Andrew Torres of Atheistically Speaking Opening Arguments and the other two shows Thomas does Gentlemen, how are you? I'm really scared

I don't know about Andrew, but I'm personally terrified to be here Frightened out of my mind Now before we get to what we've got in store for you guys We've actually gotten a few requests at your expense So we figured why not do it while we had you here with us? Okay, well, I'll go first since I love Thomas and Andrew the most.

And I love opening arguments. The show that pairs a Harvard-educated, well-spoken lawyer with the first person he met who knew how to edit audio. It's in the intro. It's in the intro. Ouch. Ouch. Ask great questions is what you It's in the intro. Ouch. Ouch.

Ask great questions is what you tell a stupid girl you're dating. It's in the intro. I never heard it. Nobody else has either. It's fine. No, that's bullshit, man. Their show is great, honestly. Every time Andrew thinks back to how hard he worked to go to Harvard Law, he can now commit lonely, accidental, auto-erotic asphyxiation suicide,

knowing he's part of the fastest-growing medium populated by the guys who spent their undergrad fucking his girlfriends while he studied hard to end up just another podcaster. But, you know, at least he has Thomas by his side, thousands of miles away, editing his 12 podcasts while his new bride entertains gentlemen on a webcam just so someone will pay attention to him. Oh, Jesus Christ! These are your friends! What the fuck?

Well, they were anyway. I didn't like them. All right, wait, I got one, I got one. How is opening arguments like a black woman? How? You might have been beating Bill Maher last week, but this week he's right back to beating you. What the fuck?

Thomas and Andrew look like the defense table at a hate crime trial they also kind of look like they're about to rape Marcellus Wallace in Middle Earth definitely in Middle Earth they're doing that but yeah very similar Thomas sounds like an unfunny Norm McDonald and Andrew looks like he ate Mayor

McCheese. And now that we've had our fun, Thomas, our first request is from Haley, and she would like you to roast her new boss, you. Well, how much time do we have? Do we have like 20, 25 minutes? Well, you know, he doesn't call his mom enough, I'd say. Is that a good one? His dick is too big.

Like, too big. It's just... Every day it's there, too. It's like it's just staring at him. Now, as our listeners may or may not know, the two of you had a bit of a tiff, if you will, with David Smalley on Atheistically Speaking, a conversation that did not

go well. And because our listeners are sadists. Who's David Smalley? I don't listen to him. He's a little known name in podcasts. Oh! Radio. Broadcasting. Thank you very much. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They broadcast to both the listeners in the station.

He's not a professional radio guy. Can you hear me, Alex? I can hear you. I can hear you. We received an ungodly amount of donations asking the two of you to roast David Smalley, but we didn't want to start any bad blood. That's for you guys to have already done.

So instead, Eli has written a sketch and we've decided that as your roast of david smalley you will perform this sketch therefore all the hatred can go to him and of course all of us for letting this happen for charity for charity for charity Hello and welcome to Atheistically Speaking. I'm your host, Thomas Smith. A little bit of an odd episode. I was recently witnessed to a bit of an odd interaction between Eli Bosnick, who listeners of the show know, and obviously Andrew Torres. And I have to admit, I think it's a little absurd, and I want to talk this out.

So, Andrew, welcome back. Thanks for having me, Thomas. How are you? Doing great. And of course, Eli Bosnick. Hi, Thomas. Okay, Eli, well, why don't you start it out? Okay, thanks. I have a show called God Awful Movies, and whenever anybody no longer signs up at Patreon, I go to their home in the dead of night. Wait, really? Let me finish. And I stand over them until they wake. And when

they do, I ask them why. And recently, someone dropped out, and I asked them, and they said please get out of my house, get off me, get off me. But after they had calmed down, they told me that they had heard an old episode of your show, and that on that show, you had pointed out that

I had said all kinds of things, and I gotta be honest, I had never heard of your show before. You that show you had pointed out that i had said all kinds of things and i gotta be honest i had never heard of your show before you've been on this show multiple times let me finish are you let me finish so i had not heard of your show still haven't heard of it not sure where i am right now or who you are what year is it but i listened and the way you portrayed what happened was Adolf Hitler. I'm sorry, the way, what? It was your Adolf Hitler exterminating the Jews and Iron Man Frank shaking in an attic. Look, I really don't think this is a fair characterization. Who the fuck was that? Was that a ghost?

That's Andrew. I introduced him at the beginning of the show. I wouldn't know. I haven't heard the show. The show. The one you're on now. Yes. That's physically impossible. Yeah, Eli, I have to admit. Can I tell this story? I have a clip. Here we go. Ooh, it's me.

Michelle Obama. You're so strong. Let me show you why you should be president. Sorry, sorry. Wrong clip. Wrong clip. Here. This is not, it's not like I read this, I found this all on a yik-yak. So? I mean, yeah, he's making a joke

about the source you gave that turned out to be fake. Oh, that is such BS. He is very clearly incriminating me for being a liar. Incriminating? Eli, that's... That's exactly what you did. I...

That is exactly what you did. All of these words have definitions. Can I finish? Now, let me tell you guys something. I am very famous and very important. You know who my best friend in the world is? Tom Hanks. And on a regular basis, he calls me up and he says,

Eli, I wish I had your career. How do I be like you? And you know what I say? I say, T-Dog, never call me again. None of that is true. Knock, knock, who is there? Let me finish! So, I have people all the time who attack my character,

who accuse me of rape. Wait, wait, people accuse you of rape? Finish me, lad, backwards! And they do it because they want to come on my show. They want to meet Tom Hanks. They want to steal my magic bag. And so, I admit, I was a little stronger than I needed to be. Eli, you texted a death threat to my 11-year-old son. You did? No, no. Guys, seriously, can I get through one thing ever in my whole life? Can I speak words? I long for the sensation of air passing through my lips just once.

I would like the world to hear my voice. I would like that sound that is mine. My thumbprint of echo to echo across the universe. Jesus. Okay, I'm finished. Okay, maybe I can diffuse the tension here a little bit. What I'm going to do is I'm going to read the text message That you sent to my son

Who is 11 Quote Hey fuckface You like chili? Because I'm going to cut up your dad Make him into a chili And feed him to you Get ready for the pain train

End of quote And you know what? And you know what? For that I apologize. Now, Thomas. I can't imagine what you want. You don't think you have anything to apologize for? Or you, Andrew, for laughing at me at my expense and incriminating me in front of both of your listeners? Well, I, for one, I will say I was making a joke at your expense about the yick-yack.

However, I have to admit... Apology accepted. That your response was severe. And I have apologized for that. So we are even, Andrew. Even, Stephen. We are the same person. There is no time. There is no space. There is only us. Now, Thomas, here's how you'll react in a minute and 40 seconds to that. That's a terrifying and stupid use for a time machine.

Wait, you have a time machine? Yes. And you use the time machine to pull that clip from the future in the hopes of making Thomas apologize. Yes. That's a terrifying and stupid use for a time machine. Seriously, you're not going to apologize? No. Hitler, you could go back in time and kill Hitler. And now you're calling me Hitler. What? No.

Come on. I have the clip. Hitler. Look, he's saying you could go back in time and kill Hitler. After? He said it after? How are you getting these clips from this recording? I have many hands.

How many? Two? This is absurd. You obviously crazily overreacted to what Andrew said, and now you're taking no responsibility. See, see, see? You're doing it again. You're doing it again.

I have apologized. I have. Andrew and I agreed that we have done equal ill. We are both sorry. You are the one who has derailed the conversation into incrimination. I feel like I'm being pranked. Is this a prank? No, this is Eli Bosnick. I will cut out your eyes. Hey, I'd like to diffuse the tension here. Guys, Eli, can I ask you a question? Sure, faggot.

Ignoring that. Was your yik-yak in fact wrong? Did it turn out to be fake or at least made up by the students? Technically, yes. Okay. So do you think, and I mean this honestly, do you think it was a little hasty of you to speak about it on this show, to speak about it here, and to get it tattooed on your chest as I can see because your camera is on. Honestly, I don't know. I have guests on my show all

the time. I know that. I've been on your show. And who are you? Let me finish. I have guests on my show. You know who's been on my show? Callie Wright. And she's a guy. You know who's been on my show? Callie Wright. And she's a guy. You are the worst person. Yeah, at this point, I have to agree.

Thomas, are you going to apologize? No. No, I'm not. Oh, God. Oh, no, he didn't. Shit! Okay, well, tune in next week. I read a listener comment about how the Jews started all the wars and thank him for the feedback.

Andrew, thanks for being on the show. I heard it hit the wall. And on that note, with my life fully complete, that will bring Part 1 of Vulgarity for Charity to a close. If you'd like to hear Part 2, and I don't know why you would, tune in to episode 189 of The Scathing Atheist, which will be airing on Thursday. In the meantime, remember,

we only roast the ones we love and the people you paid us to. Here we go. This is the newest patrons. We want to thank you guys. Of course, we have, you know, a lot of bills to pay. So we want to thank all of our patrons for helping us pay the bills. We really do appreciate it.

We do want to announce that very soon we are going to be having some commercial content on the non-patron stream. So there will be some commercials that come in for people who get the show for free. So when you hear it on Stitcher or if you listen to it through your regular podcast app and you're not a patron, you're not going to get a commercial free version of the show. Commercial free version of the show will be available to patrons every week and it'll also be available early every time. So another reason you might want to consider becoming a patron is you'll get commercial-free content. We're not sure when those commercials will start, but you'll hear them if you're not a patron. But we just wanted to warn people ahead of time. We got some new patrons this week. We have Princess Thunderballs, which is a great name.

That's terrific. Demir Music, also Fuck Islam. Pretty subtle. Scott Emanuel. I'm blown away. Ira Glass. Wow. Huge fan of Ira Glass myself. So Mr. Glass, thanks for joining us. We really

appreciate it. Nancy, Andrew, Katie, gotta gargle them all. It should be M all, though. It should. It shouldn't be M all. That's okay, though. I'll forgive you.

Johnny, Nichelle? I didn't know Nichelle was a thing. Christy, Chuck, Matt, Drew, Philosoraptor Jesus, and Joseph. Thanks, guys, for your generous donations. We really do appreciate it. We got a PayPal donation from Mike. Mike, thank you so much. Again, PayPal is another way that you can donate to the show.

Navigate your way over to DissonancePod.com. Click on Donate, and you can support the show through PayPal. So we got a message about a David Duke theme song. This is from Null. This is David Duke. I'm proud to announce my campaign song. And I'm just so excited, everybody. It's just amazing.

Everyone's a little bit racist sometimes. Doesn't mean we go around committing crimes. Everyone makes judgments based on race. Oh, God. That is great. So cheerful. I love it.

That's going to be a perfect bumper for stuff in the future. Thanks, Nell. We got a message. We got a message from Angel. And Angel says that they were going to share a little story. So here's the story.

Sitting at the beach minding their business when a girl comes up and asks if I wanted to hear about her religion or whatever, and this is how the conversation went. Tom, why don't you be her? Tee hee hee. Wait, no, my sexiest voice. All right. Tee hee hee. No, don'tiest voice. All right. No, don't do that. Would you like to listen?

Don't do that. No? You didn't like that? Every time you do that, I throw up a little in my mouth. Would you like to listen to the word of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? No, I'm sorry. I'm an atheist. That's okay.

Nobody's too far down the rabbit hole. I'm sure our message could still reach you, even if you're an atheist. But what if I'm too far down the rabbit hole i'm sure our message could still reach you even if you're an atheist but what if i'm too far down the glory hole what what i love the two ones at the end it's the best what what what it's so funny i don't even care if that really yeah at this point i'm just like i don't even care it's awesome we got a message from the recovering gringo and he was super pissed about uh the the thing we did where we talked about ambulances last week because he said one broke his bridge that he used to get to the best biking trail on the planet and evidently a fucking emt crew tried to drive over this bridge and there's this great photo this emt crew stuck on this fucking bridge. They're just fucking stuck like a motherfucker right on the middle of this bridge. I'll post the show or the story in this week's show notes.

You'll have to look at the image on there. And you just see this fucker is just stuck as fuck right there. It's like whatever. Yeah. Yeah. So fucking, you know, sometimes Black Lives Matter protesters block ambulances and sometimes ambulances block everybody else. Right. This is this is we got a message from from Nathaniel and Nathaniel says he was listening to episode three, three, 16.

And we're talking about the eye vaginas. He said the eye vagina is going to be Apple's best selling product. It sure would be. Does it vibrate? It rival the fucking eye watch. Maybe they work in tandem, you know know like like one's a webcam as you're getting done you'll check out the watch to see you know exactly oh i'm almost clan there we go climax there we go you have a fucking app for that he just got a fuck looking at the watch we got a message from Mike and I just wanted to say hi to Mike who is in Malaysia

and he's from Iraq and he says, I'm an ex-Muslim and I loved your call to prayer segment. It was hilarious. A little disappointed that you guys discontinued it. We only discontinued it until next year. We get so many of them and they keep coming over and over again. We like to save that for like one year. So next June, someone will remind us we will do another call long, maybe month long call to prayer where people can save up their calls to prayer all year. The funny ones that strike them and then deliver them to us next June where, because there's some people who just really don't like it. Right. Yeah. It'd be like Christmas in June for ex Muslims who don't do Christmas and it's not, it's like Ramadan in June. It is Ramadan.

Maybe. Sometimes it's in June. It's a lunar calendar, I think. I think it's based off a lunar calendar or something because it shifts every year. It goes different times a year. And so sometimes it can be in the summer and sometimes it can be in the winter. So Ramadan in the winter is awesome because it's sun up to sun down. Ramadan in the summer is terrible. Super balls.

Yeah, it's terrible. Dude, what if you were like, honestly, like what if you were a Muslim in Alaska and it happened to be a summer Ramadan? I think you move. Like you could need for fucking like 40 days. This is from Michael. And Michael says this is from Gohmert

sort of gibbering incomprehensibly last time. And Jesus himself said, What is even happening? Man, my dad was a lot more strange, and that's what he did. What a great, I'm going to use that as an intro. That's a new Gohmert. And we got called out on Facebook by a couple people. Even somebody from like Australia was like, I totally heard what he said. I totally heard it.

I don't understand that. Seriously, I tried to listen to it again, and I wrote down what I wrote, and it wasn't what he said. Because what he said, I guess, is a famous Bible verse, but I had never heard it. Wait, what did he say? What he said, I'll read it to you real quick. What he actually said, greater love has no one than this to lay down one's life for one's friends. And I had put, I said, greater love has no harm than his

to lay down his life for one's friends. That's what I thought he said. That's what I thought he said. And then another person posted and said, yeah, it sounded clear to them. Like, because, but sounded clear to them. But I guess that's a very – like John 1513 is a really popular thing. But that doesn't even make sense to me.

Greater love has no one than this. I don't know what that means. Yeah, I understand what he's getting at, but I think it's actually super awkwardly written. Yeah, it is super awkwardly written. I will say that. All right, so Yaz sent in a message and asked what we're going to read after we read David Icke. Now, we are taking a couple weeks off of David Icke

because we are doing the Vulgarity for Charity thing and reading David Icke and looking at all the material for Vulgarity for Charity, which is a lot of work, by the way. It actually is a lot of work. But we are taking a couple weeks off, but we are going to continue and keep rocking through that book. But Yaz wonders what we're going to read next and

this is interesting i want to read this list that he came up with we'll take some suggestions the one thing what we really need out of that book though is something that is going to be able to be picked apart right the way ike writes everything can be attacked, right? Because it's all just gibberish and garbage. And so it's really easy to go in there and just, you know, tear it apart. Right. If something is written in the sense that it's, you know, like I have a hard time believing a couple of these will be useful, like the Sarah Palin one, the going rogue. I don't know that that's going to be useful. I don't know that we're going to be able to use that in the same way that we can use the Ike.

So consider what we're doing with the Ike and see if you guys can come up with a good suggestion for the book we read next. I'm going to read off his. I'm not a fan of the Going Rogue one by Sarah Palin, but there's a couple in here that seem really good. Again, the Let Freedom Ring by Hannity. Again, maybe not great. Arguing with Idiots by Glenn Beck. The Rise of the Fourth Reich, which is a conspiracy book. The Secret History of the World is a conspiracy book.

Don't tell anyone about this book. Confessions of an Heiress by Harris Hilton. I don't know that that's going to make it. That's ghost written. Does it have pictures? It has video. Here's the situation. And I've seen the video.

That's the situations book. I can't, I don't know. Wait a minute, is it? Yeah, it says here's the situation and i've seen the video uh that's the situations book i can't i don't know that wait a minute is it yeah it says here's the situation crazy pickup artist bullshit that's got to be the situations book this is from ananta and ananta asked us a question she said you guys have made references the situation between andrew she's talking about andrews torres thomas smith and david smalley i was wondering if you had a public opinion you'd be expressed uh that've expressed through some medium. I'd be interested to hear it. We have not had a public opinion about it. We have alluded to it and made some fun of it because Tom and I both did hear those episodes. But here's our public opinion on it. It's podcast drama and we don't care. No, like we like we like all the parties involved. We're friends with all the parties involved.

I'm sad that they can't be friends. but at the same time, my name's Paul. This shit's between y'all. I don't give a fuck. What happens between them does not affect me in the least. Now, I listen to it just like everybody else, but I have literally— the only opinion I can offer is an opinion of someone who listened to it just like you. I don't have any other inside information on it. All I have is what Thomas released.

I have a little bit of a different take. I feel like my public opinion is to be expressed by making snarky backhanded comments in our show and enjoying the misery that that causes all around. So I guess I take a slightly different tack on it. I love the fact that there is some amount of drama, but I am not going to side with anyone. I am just going to revel in other people's misery. That's literally my job. I really do like everybody involved in that situation though. I mean, I do. I genuinely do like everybody involved in that situation. And I'm sad that there won't be one day where we can all just sit around

and have herbal tea because maybe we can't small he doesn't drink so i don't know maybe the next time there's a roast we can all have s'mores around the fires of our souls i got called out by dustin looks like a fucking i i uh first off he wanted to agree with us about the ambulances getting redirected. He says they even get redirected around his fucking six-year-old's first-grade daughter gets out of school every day because there's 20 fucking slow-ass buses that are stuck in the middle of town and trying to navigate a grid that wasn't built for that much traffic in mind. And he says, sporting events, yada, yada, yada.

And he said, basically, you know, like, look, I agree with you guys. However, I said the I-5 was in Massachusetts, and it's actually on the West Coast. I don't know what kind of fucking mutant roads you have out there in Massachusetts. Some fucking Oregon Trail or whatever the fuck you have out there. I don't know. I got to say, I was recently in Boston, and those roads are basically for walking. Yeah, are they? They are not driving roads.

I hear that Boston is one of those towns. I've driving roads. I hear that Boston is one of those towns. I've never been, but I hear Boston is one of those towns that's just hard to get around. It's just really hard to navigate because it's one of those cities. It's a Winderson, man. Yeah, it's one of those cities

that was built in layers. It's kind of like an onion city. It's like each layer is built on each layer. Yeah, it's an unintentional city. It's not a grid, right? Where you come out to Chicago and they laid out the, because of fucking they burnt the whole place to the ground and then they started over when they started over the like grid i guess let's

just do a grid let's make it easy make it squares but but like chicago is very easy to navigate because there's a grid with diagonal streets and it's real simple you know where you're at at all times and chicago is actually a super easy city to navigate i think I've only been on the island in New York, but again, an easy city to navigate because it's a grid, right? Real simple. But like Paris? Super fucking hard, man. You have to have your map out all the time. You're like, wait, where's that fucking little inlet road? And what's the circumcision

road? Can't figure shit out at all. And I imagine that that's how Boston is. Yeah, but Boston is a size of three postage stamps glued together. You know what I mean? It's like it's a little cute little mini Hamlet. Yeah. It's not a real city. We got a message from Stuart, and Stuart was on our show recently.

He covered Chapter 12 of David Icke's book with us. Stuart does the Exposing Pseudo-Astronomy podcast. Now, he went into great depth on his show with all the notes that he wrote down on our show that he didn't get to use because we just did the quiz with him. Uh, he, he did that. So if you want to find his show, it's, I think it's episode one 37 of his show. It's exposing pseudo astronomy podcast. And you could check out episode one 37 where he talks about specifically, uh, the claims that were made by David Icke with the Hollow Earth. And he did make a mistake on our show. And he sent us a message to correct the mistake. That's how good a fucking scientist this guy is.

He's like, you know what? I messed up. Here's what he messed up on. I am confused. When you make a mistake, aren't you supposed to double down on it? What he said was... That's so fucking mean. i was just asking in general terms

i did make a mistake and a listener has corrected me inside a uniform spherical shell you experience experience zero net pull from, regardless of where you are. I said you'd be pulled to the center, so I was wrong, but David is also wrong, so David is still wrong. Now, I don't know what that means, but I think he's saying, I mean, would you just float in the center? I think so.

I think the net effect is the same. Okay. It doesn't matter if you're being pulled to the center and therefore are stuck in the center. Yeah. Or if you float in the center because there's no gravity? I don't, yeah, I wouldn't understand that anyway. But I think if you understand things, maybe you understand what he said.

Yeah, things aren't my stuff. It's not my stuff. Yeah. So we got a message, and this is from Matt. And Matt asks, he says he's sort of at a crossroads in his life his life and he was a conservative Christian in Texas and he got a criminal justice degree. And due to the racial injustice and the use of force in the criminal justice system, I can't in good conscience find myself starting a new career in such field. I was wondering if you have any advice on a way to start a career with a criminal criminal justice degree without going against my own morals. degree without going against my own morals. Uh, my suggestion would be, and this is for anybody who wants suggestions on what, you know, if you want to, if you want to change the police force,

contact Michael Wood Jr. Michael Wood Jr. was on our show. He was, he's fucking an amazing activist. He's totally fucking balls deep in that fucking, in that entire system. He is constantly talking to people, constantly pushing a new way to police he's somebody who's excited to talk about these things and i guarantee he would have something some sort of suggestion for you you can find him on twitter matt all you have to do is go to he's at michael a wood jr and i'll put a link not a link but i'll put his handle on this week's show notes. If you want to tweet at him, I'm almost positive he would respond back. Just be a little forceful,

maybe copy us in there, put it at Dissonance Pod as well. And then, and then, you know, he probably will say something back to you. I mean, he's, he's a very active guy on Twitter and he's one of those guys who sort of responds to his mentions. So we want to thank all the people who joined us. Oh my goodness. Ishmael, Callie, Ari, Andrew, Thomas, Noah,

Heath, Eli. Thanks everybody for joining us today for the vulgarity for charity. We're so excited that it's making so much money. We would like to make a lot more money for modest needs, modest needs. These people need your help. If you don't find anybody on modest needs,

that is, that's really pulling at your heartstrings, the Modest Needs organization can use your help too, guys. So just go to modestneeds.org. Look at their website. Look at the crowdfunding stuff they have for these people. If none of these things are really making you feel like you want to give to them, give to the Modest Needs site itself.

The organization itself can always use your money. You know, two things about Modest modest needs I want to bring up. The first is that one of the great things about modest needs is you can almost always find someone on there that feels like you at some point in your life. It is very likely that at some point in your life you've thought, oh shit, about something. And you've wondered how you're going to pay that next utility bill

or the next car payment. Maybe you had somebody to help you get out of it. Maybe you found your way through the other side of it. There are plenty of people who just don't. We don't have great social safety nets in this country. We just don't. Organizations like Modest Needs help bridge those gaps. They help patch holes in people's lives and smooth things over

that really need some smoothing over. Modest Needs is an organization that the ask here is not big. It's $20. That's a really – guys, that is not a big ask. It's really not. Go on. Make the donation. I'm asking you personally.

Please, make the donation. It's $20. We'll say terrible shit to your fucking mother for $20. That is – like to fucking anybody you want to name, we will say the most awful, inhumane shit you can imagine. Nobody's off limits here. Nobody's literally nobody. We're going to roast ourselves. We've been asked many times to roast ourselves. We've been asked to roast the other people participating in this. We've been asked to roast everybody. So no one is off limits. Seriously. Yeah. So, I mean, for $20, you can make an actual

legitimate difference in a person's life. You can just chip them a $20 bill, which is three trips to Starbucks. You can chip them a $20 bill and you can save their car or you can save their house. That is fucking huge. Consider it. Please donate to modest needs. Send us the proof of vulgarity for charity. That's one word at gmail.com. We'll roast whoever you want. This is going on for another week. All right, that's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to be on the Scathing Atheist this week, and we're going to have the Scathing Atheist crew back next week to be on our show. But we're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Crydulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch,. Late night info docutainment.

Leo Pisces. Cancer cures. Detox. Reflex. Foot massage. Death in towers. Tarot cards. Psychic healing.

Crystal balls. Bigfoot. Yeti. Aliens. Churches. Mosques and synagogues. Temples. Dragons.

Giant worms. Atlantis. Dolphins. Truthers. Birthers. Witches. Wizards. Vaccine nuts. Shaman healers. Evangelists. Conspiracy. worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts,

shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. We'll see you next time. you