Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 319: Vulgarity for Charity 2

Episode Date: October 3, 2016

Thanks to Noah, Heath and Eli  and the Scibabe for joining us. Thanks to Chris Matheson, author of the Story of God.   Scibabe:   Edinburgh Meetup: Glasgow Meetup: Story of God on Amazon:

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome at. It's political, and there is no welcome at. This is episode 319 of Cognitive Dissonance, and we are joined in this episode by Chris Matheson.

Chris, thank you so much for being on the show. It's a pleasure to be here. Now, Chris, you've been on the show once before, and you decided to whore yourself out to us yet again to pimp your new book. It's like no self-respect at all or something. to pimp your new book. It's like no self-respect at all. You know, we don't often get recurring visitors at the glory hole, but when we do, we're grateful. I'm not, you know, I can't say I'm proud.

When you're drawn to the glory hole, you're drawn to the glory hole. When the calling hits and your Craigslist app beeps, it's time to head over to the glory hole. That's right. So Chris, before we jump into an article we wanted to talk to you about, we wanted to talk a little bit about your book. Your book just re-released as a paperback, The Story of God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So are you going on any book tours or. I'm not really going on any book tours because I don't really want, you know, people like yelling at me or berating me. It's real true. Things like that.

And yeah. So, so no, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm just going to the glory hole. No more advertising needed. We had a, we had a comment and somebody commented on one of the posts that we were talking about having you on, and they said that they absolutely adored your book. They thought it was great. Tell our listeners a little bit about it if they haven't heard about it. My book, The Story of God, is essentially the Bible rewritten as a comedy from pretty much the point of view of the character of God. Um,

and it starts at the very beginning. It starts with him, you know, it starts with Genesis. It starts with him kind of in the darkness before he says, let there be light. Um, cause he is,

cause that's where we find him really in the Bible. He's just sort of in the darkness above water for some peculiar reason, like inexplicably. uh and then and then it just goes through the whole story and it ends with the kind of crazy lunatic fever dream of revelations where god becomes like a total super villain where he becomes like a james bond super villain you know who just wants to torment mankind in the most brutal ways possible. And, you know,

the idea is just to, to get inside his head. Like, who is this guy? What is motivating this strange character? Why does he do the crazy, seemingly incoherent things that he does? So that's,

that's the book. And then for the paperback edition, which is, you know, just coming out like in a couple of days, I added a little postscript, which is, um, from Satan's point of view, it's called Satan's story. And it's about 20 pages of his take on everything, all the same things that have just happened, specific, you know, primarily focusing primarily focusing on on god who he calls the old man who he finds to be a very um strange and muddled and confusing um character to deal with wow you're putting yourself in some good company there with mark twain you know what i mean if you're writing a satan you know uh yeah or john milton yeah Milton. Big fucking shoes for the writer of Bill and Ted to fill.

Yeah, well, we did write Satan into Bill and Ted's book. That's true. So it's not actually. That's true. He's a fun character to write. He just seems so much smarter. God just seems like, I mean, the way I look at it is he seems like Bugs Bunny, and God seems like Elmer Fudd, you know? I'll get you, you rabbit. And he's like, he's smart. It's like he's always sort of

one step ahead. So he's pretty fun. That's awesome. That's great. That's terrific. I got a question when you were, which is appropriate since we're interviewing you, but when you were going through the Bible and you were sort of repurposing this story through the eyes of God, what was your favorite part? Like what was the most fun part of the Bible for you to rewrite? You know, probably Job, because God's meltdown at the end of the book of Job,

where like- His tantrum. He sends, like all these other people are trying to articulate God's point of view. And then God presumably sends this young guy, Elihu, in to make his case. And presumably Elihu doesn't do it. And so God just started yelling down at Job from heaven. And Job's like covered with sores and his 10 children were just killed. And he's just, it's just the most brutal stuff that's happened to him. And God just starts berating him, you know, and he just starts harassing him and like, you know, doing like comparing dick size with you create the universe, you know. And then he starts talking crazy, like he's kind of losing his mind and starts talking about talking horses and talking animals and his pet sea monster, Leviathan, who has doors in his face.

And he could force Leviathan to play with little girls if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to. It's the it's the greatest um pratfall in the history of world literature and so repurposing that it was just so fun you know because i actually have this weird opinion that the person who wrote it kind of knew what they were doing i think it's kind of weirdly proto-satire but um very subtle you know so you think joe is a meta book? Like everybody just included it? Like the writer was like, I can't believe they don't get the joke. I know. Well, that is kind of what I think. I really do believe that.

Like somehow all these years it's been interpreted as this beautiful, you know, poetic examination of why bad things happen to good people. But bad things happen to good people apparently because bad things happen to good people, apparently, because God's an asshole who makes party bets, cruel party bets. So we want to shift gears a little. We wanted to talk a little bit about our impending doom with our upcoming President Trump. Shut your whore mouth.

It's not happening, sir. It's not happening. President Trump, who may take the office, we'll see. No. So this story comes from the Los Angeles Times, latimes.com. Donald Trump has some Latinos so unnerved, they're turning to the supernatural for help. So evidently, you know, Latinos are not big Donald Trump fans.

I can't imagine why, since he wants to wall them all off after they're done picking produce and ship them over to Mexico. I think whether or not they're Mexican, I don't think he gives a shit. It doesn't even matter. If you look vaguely Hispanic, he just wants to fucking catapult your ass into Mexico so you can build a wall and get stuck there with no remittances. And strangely, Latinos are not big Trump fans. And they're doing the only thing logical. They're turning to coffee dregs and voodoo and nonsense to figure out what to do next. It's kind of a nutty story.

The gist of it is that you go to the rooster, which is an astrologer, who then uses tarot cards, which have nothing to do with astrology, to look into the future of Donald Trump from afar to determine whether or not he'll actually be president. She says, no, so I'm on her side, which is why I picked this story. I know, right? Cecil.

Apparently in these stores, these botanicas, I believe they're called, they sell something called dominate everything spray which is fantastic you know i mean it's an aerosol can and it's called dominate everything i sort of feel like if you're the kind of guy who has to buy dominate everything spray you're not all that fucking dominant yeah right you Right? You need all the help you can get. You're just like meekly buying Dominate Everything Spray. I've got to get some. Like Ted Cruz comes in to buy it.

I'd like to get some Dominate Everything Spray. And some Axe Body Wash. Now I'm a ladies' man. It doesn't make you actually sound very dominant if you walk into a store and you say I'm looking for a can of dominate everything. What should I dominate? I'm just going to go with everything.

Just a whole fucking lot of it. That's what I'm going to do. Just everything. Yeah, right. I guess God would have a lot of cans of dominate everything. It's the only thing that keeps him in power when he finally runs out. That's it. He's the only thing that keeps him in power when he finally runs out. That's it. He's toast once he runs out of those.

What do you think of Trump's chances, Chris? I don't think they're as good today as they were two days ago. I think the whole sniffly thing is pretty crazy, right? Come on.

Is the guy a coke addict? Who the hell knows? Probably not. But doesn't that make perfect sense, you know, that the guy just shows up and he'd be all coked up? Sniffing, sniffing like that. And then, I don't know, I thought he came off really bad. You know, like, I don't pay taxes.

That shows how smart I am. That shows stupid. The middle class loves that. The middle class loves when people are like, I'm too smart to pay taxes. By the way, that by extension means if you pay taxes, you are not smart. Yeah, you're a dummy. You know, if you pay taxes, you are not smart. Yeah, you're a dummy. If you pay taxes, you're a dummy. So I can't imagine after that that he's actually going to win. Although if he does win,

wow. I mean, we're just going to get some amazing comedy. That's all I can say. I mean, just as pure comedy, oh, it's brilliant. It's absolutely fantastic. Yeah, gosh. He's the one guy though that out of anybody up there was talking about nuclear weapons as if that's an okay thing to negotiate with that's a terrifying terrifying aspect of that man yeah well that kind of cuts into the comedy of trump that he's actually frightening i don't sort of detract from the comedic value of him, that he's actually very alarming, too. He's not amusing, exactly.

He's a little bit unnerving. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think he's going to win. Do you guys actually think he's going to win? Well, I don't know. I don't think so. I think it's hard to decide, because we come from a very blue state. So for us, I don't know anybody who's going to vote for Trump.

I mean, I might know some people who are closeting going to vote for Trump, but I don't think I know anybody who openly says they're going to vote for Trump. I know a number of people that have said they're just not going to vote. I know a number of people that are dyed-in-the-wool Republicans that are just like, well, I'm just not going to vote, which that's awesome. Like a vote for not your party is a vote for my party. So terrific news. That's all right.

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it's – Are you in California? No, I'm in Oregon. Oregon, okay. Which is also basically a pretty blue state. You won't even be able to see the wall from where you're at.

They don't let Mexicans into Oregon. But I'm going to drive and look at it because I hear it's going to be very big and beautiful. With a big, beautiful door in the middle that people can come back through apparently. Yeah, the wall.

What a crazy idea. That's what we should do. Build this giant wall along the entire border of the south. Thousands of miles long wall that we're going to build. And the craziest part, Chris, is so far that's his only well-elucidated policy position. Like that's it. The only thing he's elucidated so far is a wall.

That's it, a wall. Yeah, that's it. Right. He could be done. Like in one day, he'll just go, Yeah, that's it. Right. He could be done. In one day, he'll just go, yeah, that's it, and hand it over to Pence. He's like, yeah, I didn't want to do this anyway. All of that.

That's terrifying, too. So far, all of his other plans include the very best people. We're going to have the very best people. That's it. That's his whole plan. His plan is to get the very best people. Apparently, things are going to be so great that we're going to be tired of them being great. I mean, that's which is pretty great.

You know, when you think about it, that's really great, because if it's great for so long that you go, I'm sick of this. This is just so great. And it's been so great. Then that's, you know, that's good. And that apparently is his plan for the U S what did you think about Hillary's performance in that debate? Oh, you know, I mean, I am a partisan Democrat, right? So I'm like, and I've been watching debates for a while. I probably thought Al Gore beat, um, you know, uh, W back in 2000. Cause I just look at it through that. Sure. Yeah. Even though Gore was kind of in hindsight, pretty insufferable. And I can see why people didn't like him at the time. I was like, no, he's winning. He's winning, you know? And I, I probably thought, I probably

thought, cause I'm old enough that I remember Carter and Reagan. I probably thought Carter beat Reagan where Reagan just mopped Carter up. You know, I probably thought no Carter won. So of course I thought Hillary won that, you know, cause I'm a partisan Democrat. I did think, look, um, like a lot of Democrats, I think I haven't been like super excited about Hillary up to this point. I wanted to be it, but I liked her a lot more the other night. I thought she was really formidable and she seemed really smart and I thought she seemed pretty likable. I mean, to me, she was, that's very subjective, but I thought she was pretty likable and I loved the way she looked at him with

the, I loved the way she watched him. Like she was sort of just amused by him and, um, uh, and I liked that little kind of shimmy she did near the end where she was like, woo, okay. I thought that was kind of fun. Yeah, I liked her. I mean, I thought she did good. She's clearly an incredibly smart person. And I don't know.

Will she be a good president? I mean, is she Nixon? Will she be corrupt? Who knows? But, I mean, it can't be him. I know, right? No matter who it is, it can't be him. I know, right? I know, right? Like, no matter who it is, it can't be him. Yeah.

I'm voting Giant Meteor 2016. That's what I'm voting for. Yeah. Can we just get Giant Meteor just to smush us all? Yeah, right. I thought he lost. I thought, by extension, then she must have won. But, like, I don't think she's super –

like, that's the thing that for me, she doesn't seem super likable at all. She's got this soulless, dead-eyed gaze, and when she smiles, she looks like a fucking bobblehead dental dummy come to life. She's got a spring neck,

and she's going to pop out of a jack or something. She just doesn't seem human. Like, I can't imagine, like, going out and having a meal with Hillary Clinton and having her do anything but just, like, mash her head against the table in a desperate attempt to understand how humans eat food. Can I go back? Did you say a bobble-headed dental dummy? Yes, indeed. I just don't even know what that means. A bobble headed

dental dummy? I mean, it sounds awesome. Have you ever seen a dental dummy? The dental dummy. Oh, yeah, you gotta Google it. You gotta Google a dental dummy. You gotta Google it. It's the most terrifying thing you'll ever see. Oh, shit.

I've obviously missed out. You have seriously missed out. I will say while you're Googling, I will mention this. I think that I did think that she came off as a normal sort of person to me. I'm not as

harsh as Tom is, but I will say I liked the shimmy. I liked when she shimmied because it looked like she was saying, I got this. I got this. Oh my God, thank you. It's like when they throw that pitch right down the center and it's the perfect pitch and you're just like, I am going to fucking

murder this ball. She just kind of smiled and like, oh, this is mine. It's such a great moment where she's just like, oh God, thank you so much for being so fucking stupid. I thank you. There was really a moment in that debate where she said to the crowd, like, all we have to do is listen to this guy. Yeah. I don't know exactly, but that was the gist of it.

It was like, just listen to what he just said. Yeah. I don't have to refute it. I just have to point out that that guy just said that. Yeah, because what he's going to say is a very against police judge. That's what he said. Right. He was a very against police.

Well said. That's an eloquent leader. Thank goodness. Eloquent as always. Thank goodness. Thank goodness. Yeah, and then he just keeps going with like, you know, the Miss Universe or whatever. It's like, no, he just can't leave the

guy just cannot leave things alone he just can my friend uh ed solomon who i wrote the bill and ted movies with he you know he was watching the debate and he he messaged me and he was like it's like watching a dog and every time you dangle a piece of meat near him every time you know he just he can't stop himself he just cannot restrain himself if if you dangle the the red meat in front of him he's just the guy's got no uh no self-control that's why he's so easily baited on twitter yeah which she brought up and it wasn't her line it was elizabeth warren's line he's like that's getting old and she's like it's's still a great line. Still a great line. Now the, uh, the, you wrote, you, you, you write a book that's about, uh, that's, that's, you know,

poking fun at religion. We see Trump up there now kind of doing the religious walk and talk. Now we've, we've covered some stories on this show where they show him sort of, he had people lay hands on him recently and cast out the devils, and he looked so uncomfortable. We are not convinced that Trump is very religious. What do you think about Trump and him trying to appeal to the religious people of this country? Yeah, I'm with you. He doesn't seem like he actually is a very religious man. I will say it strikes me that he is the most like the character of God in the Bible of any presidential candidate I've ever seen. God character walks off the pages of the Bible and runs for president, you know, because he's just so vain and he's such a braggart and he's such a bully. And it's just, it's like, he's just, uh, Trump is remarkably like the biblical character of, of God. Um,

yeah, he doesn't, he sure doesn't seem to be a really religious guy. I presume that's why he brought Pence in to kind of balance that thing out. You know? Yeah, I think that's probably the case. Pence is going to Pence is a scary prospect anyway, just to have as a vice president. And and we had we had heard we don't know how true it is. But one of the people in Kasich's staff had said that Donald Trump Jr. came to Kasich and said to him that he would be interested in Kasich being his vice president and be in charge of domestic and foreign policy. And Kasich

said, hey, just his team said, well, what is Trump going to do? And Donald Trump Jr. said, Trump is going to make America great again. So he basically was going to let someone else run the country. And I can't imagine i can't imagine that he has any different deal with pence though i have a feeling like there's if he does get elected pence is going to have a lot of say in what happens and you know things that we've gained in the past especially when it comes to lgbt community could be something that we could be looking at losing if he has any any any say in the matter. I wonder why Kasich said no, you know, it's basically like, do you want to be, I guess, cause he just didn't,

he just didn't approve of Trump as, as, as a person, but basically he's saying, come be president. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's what it sounded like from the, from their, from their camp, but Kasich refused. He wasn't interested in it. I would have much preferred Kasich to Pence. Oh my God. Kasich's one of those Republicans. As a lifelong Democrat, every now and then

I see a Republican and I'm like, yeah, all right, I can deal with that person. McCain was one of those back in 2000. Bob Dole was that for me at times. you know? Like, they're all right, you know? I don't hate this person.

Yeah, you're not going to get all the way hard, but you'd pity fuck them, you know? You'd be like, eh, all right. Yeah, well, that's exactly, that is exactly right. I mean, when it comes to, I would watch Kasich, and I would think, you know, I'm not like rock hard watching this guy. I'm kind of semi-hard.

Oh, but I definitely – but I pity him, but I do pity him. Right, right. You can't not pity that guy. I'll make him happy. This is for you, buddy. This is just relax and enjoy this. Yeah, right. I know this must be hard running for president, so just relax and enjoy my semi-hard

team. Straight man. That's awesome. Well, so if people were going to find your brand new paperback that's coming out, where would they look? You know, Amazon's still probably the best place. I assume it's in some bookstores, but I don't really know which ones. Sorry. That's okay. I should.

I don't. It's an internet show, so we'll just put the link to the Amazon book, the paperback version, on this week's show notes. All right. That's good. Chris. Chris. It's been an absolute blast talking to you. Thanks so much for joining us.

Thanks again, man. Thanks for having me, guys. Ready to stick it in the glory hole? Get links to their Facebook, Twitter, and if you still use it, Google Plus account at their website, dissonancepod.com. If you need to be all discreet about it, contact them by email at dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a ransom message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Want to hear Cognitive Dissonance commercial free and gain access to exclusive content,

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You fucking rock. Welcome back to part three of Vulgarity for Charity. I want to begin by thanking everyone who's donated. We finished up at $25,530.70. I don't understand that. Donated by 430 donors. And the fact that 430 donors reached into their pockets to give an average of $59 a person tells us one very important thing.

We should have asked for a larger minimum donation. No shit. Seriously, though, you might have come for some comedy, but we really can't begin to tell you what it means to us to be able to make this kind of change. Thanks to you guys, our listeners. We're honored. Well, that's about as serious as I'm going to get

without signing more papers to give away half my stuff afterwards. So let's get this party started. How's that feel? It feels good every time. Every time. Every time. It never feels like the sharp, sharp knife of truth right into my heart. It feels every time we get a Patreon checked.

All right. I'm okay with it. Got to keep the knife. What better way to begin a roast than with a man who need no introduction because he'll interrupt Heath to do it himself. Eli, we got a donation from Hunter asking us to roast his best friend, Evan. Oh, all right. Well, I have to say, Hunter had such nice things to say about Evan. I honestly didn't know what I was going to say.

And then I saw the picture. And I realized that, evan you might have spent a year in kenya volunteering or whatever but you look like donald trump jr stunt double so it doesn't really matter this picture of you and your girlfriend looks like it should be being presented at your trial as proof you knew the victim well speaking of victims our next roaster is so laid back if he misses his morning coffee, he becomes semi-permeable. Heath, this next one is for you. We got a donation from Jonathan asking us to roast his youth pastor, Vanita Yates.

Okay, well, Jonathan told us all about Vanita's job, which sounds like it was mostly stopping teenagers from having orgasms, the series of cock blocks and beaver dams. And also showing them her face. Oh, no. She looks like an anime character at a Barry Bonds hearing. Her name should be Dragon Ball Xena. She looks like Sharon Osbourne

just got QVQA'd by a hentai octopus. Eight dick tentacles. That's quad A. Four dick tentacles in the ass. I just wanted to clear that up. Fucking crowded, man. We're familiar with search term.

I know that category. Next up is someone who's been doing a culturally insensitive impersonation of a Native American woman for 40 years. Noah, we got a donation from Chris asking us to roast his Alex Jones watching xenophobic Aunt Mary Jane. He included not only a picture of her, but of her insane fucking Facebook posts. Have at it. Oh, it's so on a T here.

This woman looks like she was fired from her job as the head lunch lady. Less for stealing the burritos and more for how she smuggled them out. Oh, and who she made put them there. This melting fucking Keebler elf blames black people for police violence, brags about which restroom she pisses in and shrugs off climate change. Like only a person so close to death can afford to. And if you need a reason to hate her, by the way,

she's also apparently a Patriots fan. Oh. The worst. That must not be good. That must not be good. Cecil, you're up. I love you. Your beard shines in the moonlight.

You are my rock. Bottom. Hey, I know where my bread is buttered. Yeah, you look like you know where a lot of things are buttered. Yeah. Stop licking the desk. No. Don't tell me. Nobody

will tell me what I can and cannot lick, sir. All right, Brock Turner. Oh, the Eli Bosnick story. We got a donation from a Lori asking us to insult her brother, Mark. Not much info, but a picture of him on a swing flipping off the camera. Mark has a really great picture. It looks like he went through a midlife crisis and wanted to come out the other end with a hot mistress and like a sports car,

but he had to settle for a playground swing and a chin strap beard. He looks like Count Duke, who's mentally challenged little brother, Baron Dookie. Okay, I'll take this one. We got a special request from Hertzie. They and their mom are huge fans of our shows, but his dad doesn't like the profanity. He would like as scathing an insult as possible to make into a ringtone for his dad, but without any swearing. You're going to do this? I'm not sure I can complete a whole fucking sentence without at least a little bit of swearing. You're going to do this? I'm not sure I can complete a whole fucking sentence

without at least a little bit of swearing. But I'm going to try and prove to you that swearing is not where true filth and depravity come from. Here's your ringtone. Hey, answer the phone, you cankerous, dried-up bowl of anal lube and hobo cum flakes. See? Not a word you can't say on PBS. That's true.

I call into PBS all the time and call people hobo cum flanks, and they just put me right on the air. I'm a little bit more polite than the people who call into Atheist Experience, so they're just straight through. Okay, Cecil, got another one for you. We got a donation from Corey asking us to roast his nephew Brandon, a 20-something political science major who was just elected to a position in his county government.

Yeah, they sent a picture along. I didn't know colonoscopy cameras could actually take selfies. What fucking county elects someone with a porn stash? Bareback Arkansas? I would like to say you have no fucking clue how to tie a tie, but

when you're from the South, even a half-ass Windsor gets oohs and aahs. See, Mama? He's got one of those dangly bits from his headstand. Okay, Heath. Ryan gave us money to bash his friend Bryant, who enjoys video games and sexually abusing dogs. He sent along a picture

of Bryant with one of his canine victims. Oh, uh, wow. He looks like his name is Bryant. B-R-Y-A-N-T. I already hate you. It's Bryant or Anthony. Pick a fucking name. God damn it.

But more importantly, that dog clearly hasn't climaxed in years. I'm saying you're bad at being a dog rapist. With that group of people, you're a shitty, incompetent example. That's fucking awesome. Noah, we got a donation from John asking us to roast him. No info, but he sent a picture as well. Go for it. Yeah.

John looks like an underage attempt to buy beer or gone wrong. Dude, if you're listening, if those are not llama pubes glued to your face, you should be able to see your genetic lineage all the way back to Neanderthalensis. All right, well, this next one is for me. We got a donation from Gary asking us to roast his friend Mike, who has the audacity to drink whiskey with water. What? Fuck you.

Whiskey with water? Why bother drinking the whiskey at all? Look, if you don't like pussy, just order your fucking appletini like the other girls and get on with it. Whiskey with fucking water? The only other thing you clearly mix is your sense of identity with an appropriate level of crippling self-loathing. Jesus Christ. You're mean. And Eli, I think this one has to be for you we got a donation from joe asking us to take down his friend jesse who's a comedy magician yeah as if that's not insult enough jesus fucking christ

jesse it's a 4 000 year old art form your reel looks like it's being presented as evidence in your divorce 21st century silks and sponge balls? Why don't you just wheel Divernan out on stage and fuck his corpse for your full 30-minute show? Also, pro tip, if the only places you work are school gymnasiums and company Christmas parties in the event room of a Ramada, get fucking tighter shots. That way future clients can pretend you work

for people who own their cars. If Harry Higini knew what you were going to do with our art form, he would have ruptured his appendix way earlier. Oh, Jesus! Fuck. I don't know what any of that meant, but I feel like if he were here, you and Jesse would be slapping at each other and pulling

hair right now. Alright, challenge time. We got 500 bucks from Joseph asking us to roast his former co-worker, Roxanne. Joseph is a nurse, and Roxanne spent the entire time they worked together bullying, insulting, and making him doubt his ability to do his job until he moved to a different area of nursing. He did not include a picture, I assume because they go through lenses like potato chips. So Heath, I'm going to ask you to write a letter of recommendation for her instead.

Oh, all right. Okay. To the HR department at Salem State Hospital. I'm writing this letter in strong recommendation of Roxanne for the position of head nurse. As I understand it, you're looking for someone to

humiliate the patients at your mental asylum and lobotomize Jack Nicholson. Roxanne would be perfect. Sincerely, me and everyone she's ever worked with. Eli, this next one is for you. Rick is a police officer in Massachusetts who specially

requested that you insult him as Marky Mark. Go for it, man. So you're a fucking cop, bro? Are you sure? You look like you're about to tell someone in The Princess Bride that something's fucking inconceivable. Also, nice beard, bro. You shave your side view mirror, or you just forget

you have a middle to your fucking face. Are you real? I beat up a Chinese guy. Well, I'd not heard that before, and I hope I never hear that again. But while we're doing impressions, Cecil, this one is for you. We got a donation from Jeff asking us to roast his friends Doug and Scott

Bolton, and I'd like you to do it as Ted Cruz. Oh, I'm not going to do it alone. You're going to have to do it with me. Alright, I can do this. Alright, so I'll do Doug and Scott and you do Jerry and Jerry Andrew for Malcolm. Alright. Welcome to the gangbang, guys.

I'm glad you can make it. If you need someone to help excite your part so they extend past your pubic bump, Mitch McConnell will let you grind your region on his neck fat. Thanks so much for agreeing to touch glands with my wife. She needs to be inseminated by a human so she has offspring. And you two were as close as I could get. Jerry Andrews is the only man I asked to stop fucking my wife who actually did.

Jerry Andrews couldn't find the clitoris with a map and a compass, which is fine because they're scary and I'm not sure what they're for. Jerry Andrews is so unmanly, he makes my pants feel tight. Okay, well, Noah and Heath don't do impressions of anyone except maybe Mickey Mouse and Stifler, and I don't think those are on purpose. So Noah, we got a donation from Andy asking us to roast Sensibly Secular on Twitter,

and I'm going to challenge you to do it in 140 characters. Go. Like I was in danger of overachieving here. Sensibly Secular, you look like you'd sell me some pretty good weed, but I'd have to listen to your poetry. Hashtag not worth it. Hashtag hippie vogon. And since we probably lost Heath mentioning Twitter.

I didn't hear anything. What are you? Heath, I'm going to go into your wheelhouse here and ask you to roast Christina's grandmother. A miserable bitch who refuses to see her granddaughter because she doesn't like the kid's name. And I'm going to ask for you to do it in the form of a sponsor for Scathing Atheist. Go. Okay. This week's episode is brought to you

by Christina's miserable bitch of a grandma. Are you miserable and a bitch? Do you refuse to visit the hospital when your newborn granddaughter was on life support because you're an awful fucking cunt? If you have trouble keeping your cartoon canary

in its cage, well, then you're probably Christina's miserable bitch of a grandma. Christina's miserable bitch of a grandma. Making life insurance fun again. Celebrity death pool for family. I'd buy what they're selling.

Alright, now it's time for our very first Spikening Round. Or as Eli wrote it, Spikening Around. See, we can do stuff in post too. We? We, Tom? We? Yeah, I was using the royal word, which means you.

The editorial. This category is American politicians, but I'm going to make like Richard Carrier and double down. I'll give you two names, an American douchebaggery, and I want you to insult them both at once. Thanks to Lynn, Crystal, Nicholas, Nasser,

Joshua, Stacy, Steve, two Justins, John, Danny, Grant, Morgan, Kate, Matt, and the Muscatine Freethinkers for their donations. Gentlemen, are you ready? Never been more ready. Steve King and Bob Dole. Oh, Steve King looks like the doctor that Bob Dole calls when his erections last more than four hours. Or if he needs help getting revenge on Hannibal Lecter. last more than four hours.

Or if he needs help getting revenge on Hannibal Lecter. Susanna Martinez and Roy Moore. Ooh, this one's me. Face of a Mexican, mind of a white man. Either way, you don't get to judge anybody. Rick Scott and Bobby Jindal. Okay, alright, I got this one.

These two are the more horrifying version of the Can You Hear Me Now crew from Verizon, but instead of checking cell towers, they drive across the country closing abortion clinics. One thing is the same, though. If they have their way and you're in the middle of nowhere, you'll have to rely on a coat hanger for service. Oh, shit! All right.

Matt Bevin and Rahm Emanuel. Well, they definitely look like they should be plotting against the time travel in our Cristiano Brothers movie, but I fear that that'll be lost on most of the listeners. So they look like Krang decided to go with a groundhog and an albino hamster instead of a rhino and a boar. Ooh. And finally, we got so many donations for him. In the words of his fraternity brothers,

let's all finish on Mike Pence. Mike Pence looks like the Q-tip they use to wipe out Phyllis Schlafsley's vagina when they embalm her. Dibs. And his only expression is thwarted by yet another complicated soda fountain. Mike Pence is so pitiful.

The only way he comes is after Donald Trump has already finished. Mike Pence is from Indiana and tells people. Mike Pence got the VP nod because he was the only candidate who knew what to do with the champagne glass. Mike Pence is an asshole stretched so wide it's as big as Mike Pence. Mike Pence looks like a superhero whose power is white. I'm sure he wants to make Germany great again, too.

Mike Pence is a perfect cuck of a vice presidential candidate. He'll spend all term following the commander in chief around with a straw, felching the semen out of things Trump fucks during his presidency. All right. While we all recover from that, I'll toss things over to our friend Chris Matheson, author of Story of God. I have three facts about Dr. Phil to state.

Number one, Dr. Phil is the only man whose big head was circumcised. Number two, the only advice that Dr. Phil should give is how not to end up like Dr. Phil. And number three, Dr. Phil has a porn mustache that he apparently forgot to comb the jizz out of. Since it's kind of a religious-themed show, I think you could swap in seed for jizz. Or if you're an adherent of Urantia, then you could swap in life plasm. Life plasm! That's what I'm going to call it. Life plasm. I'm going to donate in life plasm. That's what I'm going to call it. I'm going to donate my life plasm.

Do you still get $50? Nobody's paying me for my life plasm. Thank you, Chris. And a big congratulations to our top donors. We'll be reaching out shortly about how to get your signed copy of The Story of God. Now enough of the niceties and back to the sweet, sweet scent of tears over the radio. Eli, we got a special request for you to roast Willow Rosenberg from Buffy the Vampire Slave.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Willow, Willow, Willow. Simultaneously most and least interesting character in Buffy. You spend the first six seasons of the show longing for Xander, and then when you strike out, you decide to settle for Miss Buttercher in 2002? Seriously, I don't think I'd have the heart to give someone a parking ticket for shooting her, let alone rip their skin off. How are you going to get shown up by a vengeance demon and a librarian?

You're like if Superman decided to just make the costumes for the rest of Justice League. That was so incredibly nerdy. Every woman who just heard that dried up as if Heath just walked into the room. I'm going to have to fuck a prostitute's mouth just to clear my head. Jesus. Noah, this one's for you. We got a donation from Chris asking us to roast his friend Sangman, who lost the money he donated to him on a bet.

Go for it. And I love Chris, too. He sent us this picture of Sangmin grabbing his nuts in the middle of a Michael Jackson impression at the mall as though we were going to need help. This motherfucker looks like Korean Gilbert Godfrey. Chris, we've got this.

Hey, Sangmin, you look like the thing Woody Allen paid Soon-Yi to keep quiet about. Oh, no! Excellent. Money well spent. Heath, this next one is for you. We got a donation from Matt asking us to roast him. He lives in Idaho, collects snails,

and has a wife who thinks he looks like a child molester. It included a picture. All right. You look like Richard Dreyfuss had an allergic reaction to the kid who was blowing him on the set of Jaws. You look like a submissive version of Boggs from Shawshank. Like upside down carrot top. You're like carrot bottom.

All right, Cecil. We got a donation from Jason asking us to roast him. Go for it. Jason looks like he just got done raping Ed Norton on the set of American History X. It's even in black and white, too. Yeah, no, no. It looks close to home. Okay, I'll take this next one.

We got a donation from Steve asking us to take on his former boss, Cray Cray LeMay. So with a name like Cray Cray LeMay, I had to Google this person because it's 2016 and stalking people is now easier than ever. I quickly found LeMay's I had to Google this person because it's 2016 and stalking people is now easier than ever. I quickly found LeMay's Facebook page. Cray Cray LeMay was described to us as a waste of skin, but you didn't mention how much skin. LeMay appears to be testing the limits of

whether a human can pop like a hot dog and Twinkie Field flesh balloon. I'm not saying she's rotund, but I am saying she could host a family of otters in one of her chins and be entirely pleased with the results. Okay, this one is for everybody. We got a donation from Matthew asking us to roast New York style pizza and a donation from Matt asking you to roast Chicago style pizza. Bring forth your champions.

Okay, what the fuck? How is anyone still discussing this? Chicago pizza isn't even pizza. If you need masonry work to make it, that's not a pizza. Are you kidding me? Jim Gaffigan could build a whole nother career singing about it in a high voice.

Chicago pizza. Give me a pizza. Really? Yeah. New York style is the consolation handjob of pizza. No matter what you do, it stays flaccid. You don't give it to anyone you love. It leaves you completely unsatisfied,

and there's a huge grease stain you have to clean up. I take that back. It's actually more like roofy date rape of pizza. You normally have it surrounded by garbage, and the only thing that saves you from years of therapy and PTSD is that you had it when you were blacked out. New York-style pizza is authentic to New York itself.

It's filthy, made mostly from sacks of garbage, and it attempts to make up for what it lacks in class by being so greasy you don't swallow it so much as you reluctantly let it slide down the back of your throat. Spitting it back into your hand and letting it drip down your chin is encouraged. Fucking Chicago pizza is the culinary result

of realizing that the cottage cheese and the leftover SpaghettiOs were going bad on the same day. SpaghettiOs don't go bad. It looks like somebody vomited real pizza into a pie plate and baked. And added sauce. Hey, we should get pizza after this. No, another one

for you. We got a donation from Kenny asking us to roast his friend Harley. Harley looks like he lost his job as a fluffer for taking his work home with him. This dude looks like Ryan Felipe fucked Eddie Haskell. It's the worst I could do. This guy is so fuckable. I mean, I'm not gay, but Harley,

if you want to give it a try sometime, you and me. Cecil, we got a donation from Elias asking us to roast former UFC heavyweight John Jones. I hope he is not a listener. Oh, God, I hope so, too. I would beat my ass. Go for it, man. John Jones pokes his opponent's eyes

like Stanford star swimmer Brock Turner when confronted with an unconscious vagina. Illegally. Some things you want to learn from Asians, John, like martial arts or how to be covered in someone else's body fluids and tolerate it. That would probably skip the driving lessons. Okay, Heath, this one is sporty, so like Noah on a Friday night, it's right up your alley. We got a donation from Pit Atheist asking you to roast

Alexander Ovechkin. Ovechkin. I think you nailed that. Alexander Ovechkin. Ovechkin. Oven vegetables. Oven chicken. Easily the ugliest hockey player in history. And that's difficult.

That's the most... He looks like Thomas Smith survived Chernobyl and then did a commercial for Quarry Cereal. He looks like Thomas Smith did a commercial for Quarry Cereal. Oh no! Okay, another one

from me. We got a donation from David Michael, formerly of the My Book of Mormon podcast, currently of the guy who used to do something with radio or internet. I don't know. He hogs the copier. He's asking me to roast my ex-wife. Oh, really?

Take my ex-wife, please. No, really. It'll save me 30%. My ex-wife is so awful, she used to be married to me. My ex-wife is so poor, she only makes half of what I do. And Eli, we got another one for you. We got a donation from Echo requesting you roast her brother Connor. So I hear Connor is a fan of Invader Zim, and look, man, I get fandom,

but usually full-grown men don't make their appearance match the cartoon that they're a fan of. You look like you asked your barber for the bad-touch cockatoo. Also, Echo mentioned that if we wanted to, we could make fun of the fact that you have your ex's name tattooed on your body, but dude, I get it. If I looked like you, I'd want permanent proof that I got laid, too. No, see? See? This next one is for all of us.

Alan reached deep into his pocket to give $350, asking us to insult his friends, Greg and Elizabeth. So let's give them the proper roasting they deserve. All right, excellent. Greg looks like he's masturbated through lots of threesomes. Greg looks like he's masturbated through lots of threesomes. And Elizabeth looks like it was her idea to put that in the wedding vows. And Greg agreed as long as his Boba Fett sex dolls were in the prenup.

Greg and Elizabeth look like the couple the suicide cult worked out for. Greg looks like he was fired from Ollivanders for telling kids the butthole chooses the wand, and if Liz's eyes were any further apart, they'd need separate cell phone plans. Elizabeth looks like somebody put a Chewbacca action figure in the computer from Weird Science, and Greg looks like somebody

who would use a computer from Weird Science to fuck a Wookiee. Match made in heaven. Greg kind of looks like Woody Allen, and Elizabeth looks like she's just about the right age for Greg to marry her daughter. Well, it's a good thing that Elizabeth is probably bisexual, because from the looks of Greg,

his partner is going to need to love pussy. Greg, buddy, listen up. I checked out your wife's profile pic, and I hate to break this to you, but long hair does not a woman make. You didn't nab yourself a hot bisexual chick. That's a dude. Seriously, if she stops beating you at arm wrestling, take a look under the hood sometime. I know you wouldn't recognize a dick looking at your own soft, shitty body,

but that fleshy pointer she keeps putting in your ass? That's a cock. And you're the sub. Jesus Christ, Tom. Fuck, man. I love this so much. God, you're such an asshole. This is literally my favorite thing to do. I know I'll get my friends roasted.

Hooray. What marriage it'll be, I'll send them the recording Never mind. This is meta. These are the thoughts Yeah, I just donated your money happy birthday from Keebo you bought someone a donkey we bought

we bought some Africans a goose what did you do for us oh nothing actually you know what I realized we're not friends anymore bye bye

and your wife's a dude his wife's actually quite pretty I know he's such an asshole His wife's actually quite pretty. I know. He's such an asshole. All right, challenge time. Eli, I've got a donation from Adam asking you to tell us more about Andy Wilson.

But I'm going to challenge you to do it as though you're correcting the bullshit you spewed on someone else's podcast. He's familiar with that style. I mean, that's never happened, like that'll be a hard acting challenge for me but only only if hypothetically guys only if Cecil he's got to call up your gap only if Cecil introduces it like he's recording the introduction to an episode like at midnight before putting out a corrections episode um and only if he does it well. I've never done that before. Hypothetically, guys. Okay, so this next... It's four in the morning. Fuck. I'm just going to send it out.

It's four. Some of you will get it. Just stop commenting on the Facebook page. No, you gotta do it like that and you gotta get Nicholas's friend, Josh, who studies IT and won't stop talking about comedy classes. Kung fu classes. I can do this. I want to make a

few corrections guys from Eli's last appearance and I only have a limited amount of time. Eli said Josh was an IT whiz and worked with Asian kids and that is technically correct because he runs a human trafficking ring on the deep web.

Eli also falsely said that it was a snarky email. Okay, well, thanks so much for having me on like I asked you to instead of just bringing on some motherfucker I had met once before and having him talk about me behind my back I feel like this is really the best way to handle things I just want to say it turns out the carrier pigeon I was using for a source about

Andy Wilson was wrong he does not sell drugs he sells boys Filipino boys specifically and when I said he was a murderer again my source the tea leaves I read the morning of turned out not to be correct he is a kidnapper but it appears again now I know that those women all died by accident he's a manslaughterer at most I want to thank all of Tom and Cecil's

listeners for the hate mail and threats to my wife. They really showed me I'm on the wrong side here. So true, so true, Eli. I just want to thank Eli's army of commenters for pointing out that even though every single word that spilled out of his face was false, he was right in spirit. Okay, these next two come from a location double

feature. We got a donation from Melissa asking us to insult Lake Charles, Louisiana, and a donation from Neil asking us to insult England. So Noah and Heath, this one is for you. Each of you take one, but I want you to do it in the form of a travel catchphrase. Okay, you call that a lake, Lake Charles. That's all I can give. I've seen bigger puddles in Tom's underboob. Lake Charles. That's all I can give.

I've seen bigger puddles in Tom's underboob. Eli's got more fluid volume of semen jarred up under his sink, people. That's for Heath's birthday. Now you spoil it. Spoiled it. I like it aged.

I guess I get England then. Okay. England, the Betamax to America's Blu-ray. And given our island of incest and snaggle teeth, it's better to view us in low def. That's fucking amazing. You're going there very soon. You're going to get beat up.

Okay, my turn. I'm going to introduce one. I got a challenge for Tom and Cecil. Cecil, we got a donation from Travis asking us to roast Mayumi. And I'd like you to do it as Bill Clinton. And Tom, we got a donation from Ryan asking us to roast Jeff, who works at the hospital he contracts at. And I'd like you to do it as the Quiznos Demon.

Hey, Mayumi. Loving the photo. Just how I like them. Dark hair and glasses and mouth wide open. I love librarians from my home state of Arkansas. I love to check out your end notes. Hell, I'll check out your footnotes if you're into that. Internal citation needed.

And Tom? Jeff, I've been sitting here drinking a batch 84 chili sauce from a soda cup and trying to think of one good thing to say about you, and here's the thing. I am an actual demon. I am the physical manifestation

of evil incarnate. I have flayed the skin from unbaptized children with a yawn. I have beenayed the skin from unbaptized children with a yawn. I have been drunk on the tears of crushed and shattered hopes more often than I can count. I have lubricated my thorn-covered dick with the blood of philanthropists

and wise men as I penetrated the eye sockets of their most cherished family members. All of this I have done with no more thought than I would give to tearing into my third turkey ranch in Swiss. Yet the very sight of you, Jeff, is so repugnant, so utterly repellent, that I actually found myself growing a heart just so I could rip it from my chest upon your sight in an attempt to feel a pain that would mask the horror of your visage. I would rather suck the pus-filled cock of Satan's dog

than for even a moment hear the sound of your voice. In demonic summation, I don't like you, Jeff. Let it all out, Tom. Let it all out. Okay, now we got several donations from fans and fellow podcasters asking us to take jabs

at them and their favorite secular shows. So with that in mind, I'm going to challenge you to roast the following by coming up with a new tagline for the following shows. Shane would like us to roast him and his podcast country fried, free thought. Oh, okay.

Uh, country fried, free thought. Our cast is so fat. We deep fried our fucking show. And Bailey would like us to make fun of him and his friend Pat for their show, Rated PG Pod. The Rated PG Pod.

Like Gam without the humor. And I'm sorry, but asking me to make fun of one of the hosts of that show is like Eli asking me which ingredient in the vegan shepherd's pie I didn't care for. Fuck you for making me listen long enough to figure out which one was Pat. And yes, for the record, Pat is the worst. Pat, you are noticeably less talented and interesting than the other nine hosts on that fucking show. I'm kidding, by the way. Actually, I kind of liked it.

It's like a gam, but only with kids movies. It's actually pretty good. We got a donation from Brendan asking us to roast Chuck and Irrigiosophy. All right. Irrigiosophy. All right. Irrigiosophy. Our host looks like he should be tackling Latinos and demanding to see their paperwork in Arizona. Oh, shit. We're wearing an Ed Hardy shirt that's three sizes too small.

But great title, guys. Good and Google-able. Next up, Dan donated asking us to roast Uber 47 of the Secular Barbershop podcast. Uber 47 is the Bill Cosby of secular podcasters. White folks understand all your dialogue, and you have the power to make people fall asleep uncontrolled. Ouch. I'll take this next one. We got a donation from Bryce, asking us to roast Randy and the Legion of Reason podcast.

Randy and the Legion of Reason, the show that will probably last another week if mom gets us some more pizza rolls. Randy and the Legion of Reason. It's not any good, but at least you've never heard of it. Randy and the Legion of Reason. Proof that this medium has literally no minimum standards. God. And closing out this category, we got a donation from Griselda asking us to roast Comedy Shoe Shine.

Okay, I'll take this one. Comedy Shoe Shine. It's neither. That was the shortest, most effective roast I've ever heard That was great That was awesome God, the truth hurts Fantastic

And while my vocal cords are covered I think it's time we heard from our next guest roaster Yvette D'Entremont The Psy Babe Hi, this is Yvette D'Entremont, the Psy Babe And I too would like to point out that I agreed to do this Before I knew what the guys would write for me to say Okay, first up, we got a donation from what the guys would write for me to say.

Okay, first up, we got a donation from Jeff and Ilan asking me to roast Jill Stein. And it's hard because as much as I would want to root for a woman to be in a position of power, it would be a lot easier if she didn't talk like the comment section of knowthetruth.com. It was allowed to shop in the power suit section of JCPenney. I feel like Jill is less presidential material and more I-fuck-David-Wolf-once-on-a-meditation-retreat material, you know? Next up, we got donations from Alice and John specifically requesting me to roast the Food Babe.

And you know I was looking forward to this. Lately, Food Babe has been bitching about In-N-Out, and I can see why she's been bitching about it. Lately, Food Babe has been bitching about In-N-Out, and I can see why she's been bitching about it. She doesn't want competition in the beef curtains overfilled with suspicious, creamy, chunky, unidentified goo department. But this is a woman so dumb that she thinks water reacts to being yelled at. So if you keep yelling Boat Trump at her, the molecules in her body might actually get smarter. Wow. Thank you, Yvette. Make sure to check out Yvette's fantastic

page, The SciBabe, on Facebook. Okay, next up, we got a request from both New Jersey Phone and Warren asking me to roast the Amish. Oh, good. God. Before I start, I do want to say in the interest of full disclosure that I actually own a table

made by the Amish, and it does appear to be sturdily constructed. I'm to understand every table is load tested by fucking your daughter cousin through a hole in a sheet on each one. It's nice to know the quality is there when you buy. It's very reassuring. But despite the

rudimentary carpenter skills, I can't figure out why more people don't despise these soulless inbred Luddites. This is a people who consider it an actual virtue to avoid the devil's temptations, such as zippers. When teenagers go on a rumspringa, what we in the real world call freedom, they're blown away by the wild temptations of rural Indiana. We are talking about a group of people offering such a shitty, miserable existence

that aspirating your own vomit in a roach-infested trailer while a homeless man fucks you for 10 bucks of meth on a carpet, smelling of piss and cigarette burns, sounds Kardashian glamorous. Eli, this one's for you. We got a donation from Rebecca. I can't...

People should bring Tom to their bat mitzvah. I love transitioning away from them. You really can't describe your own living room very well. You know what I mean? It's almost like you've been there. Eli, this one's for you. We got a donation from Rebecca asking you to roast movie superheroes who take their masks off.

Oh my god, thank thank you fucking keep your mask on motherfuckers do you think people go to the movies lack object permanence we know your secret goddamn identity just wait until you get home part of being a superhero is leading a secret life you can't watch a marvel movie this decade without four guys and a gas station attendant knowing who spider-man is if you're gonna tell everyone who you are then skip the goddamn costume go casual fr. Fight crime in your goddamn sweatpants. At least Luke Cage has the decency to know that the white

people he beats up won't know he's not Denzel Washington. I've got a sports challenge for Heath from Patrick who would like you to roast every Cleveland Browns quarterback since 1999 in a single insult. Oh, okay. That's easy. You were all quarterbacks for the.

No, it can't be that you were the quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Makes it a little trickier. Way harder. Okay, fine. All right. This is a list that includes Tim Couch at its pinnacle. Right. And also Johnny Manziel. So neck the fucking dots.

Seriously. And also Johnny Manziel. So neck the fucking dots. Seriously, Art Modell ended the franchise and moved to Baltimore just to avoid this list getting started. Should be considered a hero in Cleveland. Seriously, those three years of nothing were so much goddamn better for Cleveland football than anything that's happened since. A hero. All right, Noah, this one's for you. We got a donation from Joe asking us to roast baby boomers, but I'm going to challenge you to do it in the style of a millennial.

I see. Well, I believe the style of a millennial would just be pasting a meme here, but since I can't do that, just imagine all the rest of this is misspelled and improperly punctuated. Hey, baby boomers, looks like your psilocybin-inspired foreign policy didn't work.

Sorry, not sorry, you have to pay the inflated patent price for the statins I'll get for 18 cents a gallon when you're as dead as my hopes for a social security check. Assholes. Next up for some beard-on-beard violence, Cecil. We got a donation from Dee asking us to make fun of her husband Kevin's beard, but not him. So I figured if anyone could do it.

Be real careful. I'll be real careful. Kevin's beard looks like the mane of a magnificent lion after it got radiation poisoning. Kevin's beard looks like a permanent lens flare. No, but seriously, Kevin's beard would be amazing if it wasn't being gobbled up by his chins. You were almost there.

I was close. I was close, Kevin. You almost made it. You almost made it. Dee didn't know how. I was close. I was close, Ken. You almost made it. You almost made it. He didn't know how the game was played. It was a snarky email. Buyer beware. Eli, another special nerd-centric request for you.

We got a donation from Matt asking you to roast Patrick Rothfuss, author of the Kingkiller series. So, Cecil. I got to get something. Go ahead. Get a peanut ready to throw at me when he's done. I got a memory card. Alright. Eli, go. I actually love this series, by the way.

Well, then you'll probably agree with me. Hey, Pat, if I murder your toddler, will you stop posting about reading in bedtime stories on Facebook and finish your fucking book? You make Andy Wilson look like the Thomas Smith of writing. Seriously, by the time this book comes out, it's going to have to end with

Kvothe dying of old age. Your job is to write books. Stop playing Fallout. Nobody cares about world builders. Just write your book and then take that money and give it to a charity that exists rather than building a stupid one based on board games and bothering fellow authors. Seriously, George R.R. Martin has taken

shits in shorter time than it takes you to write these damn things. Also, please kill Denna as soon as possible. If you can't write women, put them in refrigerators. Okay, we got a weird one now. We got several requests for Cecil and I to roast their pet. And I have to say, that's way less fun than what people ask us to do to their pets. But we'll do our best.

Spencer, just naming a dog Little Bean isn't going to help you find it. And the clint doesn't come just because you called it, okay? And R, what the fuck kind of lazy goddamn twat names their dog Max? The only thing lazier and less original than that is, according

to Max, how you fuck him. Variation, man. Even your dog is tired of doggy style all the time. Butterscotch is a nasty, ratty, eye-booger machine. The kind of shitty dog that relies on your good will to survive because it's not only genetically

deficient, but it's also fucking lazy. And it doesn't even have the gratitude to be nice about the handout. If this dog was a human, Republicans would point to it to prove welfare doesn't work. Alright. And I'm gonna take Lauren and James' cat, Heidi. If this dog was a human, Republicans would point to it to prove welfare doesn't work. All right. And I'm going to take Lauren and James' cat, Heidi. Look, guys, that's not a cat.

That's a sausage. Look, I know there's feline insulin, but this is not a race to see how fast you can give your pet diabetes. You may as well cut off her foot now and get it over with. Seriously, I know you have no standards. That awful throw rug blanket thing the cat is on is I know you have no standards. That awful throw rug blanket thing the cat is on is proof that you have no taste, but my guess is that cat isn't so much of sleep as it is dreaming of the day

you euthanize it, and it can pass away content in the knowledge it doesn't have to live with you for one more day. I want to do one. Schofield's dog, Kenji. Kenji looks like the other children's movie about Benji's cousin who sold the medicine for meth instead. All right, so I got Nietzsche. And Nietzsche looks like a disloyal shitbag of a fucking dog.

The kind of dog that wouldn't have to wear the yellow Star of David because it was helping lead all the other dogs into the showers. All right, Brad. Oh, God. All right. Brad's dog, Jack. All right. So, Jack, I'll say this. Jack looks like he fucks everything in sight. Kind of like the Amy Schumer of dogs. And the way you describe him pulling so hard on the leash, he chokes himself. That's a more apt comparison.

Confirming once again that Tom and Cecil do shit to other people's pets that was only meant for consenting adults. Alright, it's time for another SPARKNING ROUND! The category is Foreign Politicians. I'll give you a name and your challenge, should you choose

to accept it, is to introduce them like you're pitching them for a blind date. Guys, are you ready to pretend we didn't have to Google these people? Oh, yes, indeed. It's true as fuck. All right, this is thanks to Colin, a.k.a. Andrew, Jordana, Kyle, Mike, Syndra, and Veronica for their donations.

The first one, Dimitri Rogazin. Rogazin. I know he's not much to look at, but just imagine Richard Dreyfuss carving something important into him. Jeremy Corbin. So he's a much to look at, but just imagine Richard Dreyfuss carving something important into him. Jeremy Corbyn. So he's a great guy. He looks like a thinner, older General Zod. He looks kind of like Donald Sutherland

when he played the arsonist in Backdraft, and if his political career is any indication, he also is fond of watching things burn. Boris Johnson. Okay, he looks like Donald Trump, Kurt Schilling, and Bobcat Goldthwait all had to play Limp Bizkit

with a bridge troll. And then Rebel Wilson ate the cookie with her vagina. In a good way. He looks like all that in a good way. Good one. Stephen Harper. See, what do you like about this guy is he's so thorough. This motherfucker busted more unions than the Ashley Madison leak.

And trust us, he's trying to look like that. That look he's got, like Phil Hartman got stuck in his Frankenstein makeup and just grew old that way. That's what he's shooting for. He meant to do that. Benjamin Netanyahu. Okay, I got this one. Oh, you're going to love my friend Ben. He's dedicated, got a great support network,

and you'll never need lube because of all the blood he's got on his hands. Jesus. Assad. Oh, yeah, well, he's like a trained ophthalmologist. He specializes in turning entire cities into eyesores. Oh, what does he look like? Well, he kind of looks like Wil Wheaton meets Chris Hansen. No, no, no, not a mixture of the two.

What Wil Wheaton would look like if he was busted on The Catcher Predator. I have no idea how to pronounce this properly. Do you guys know how to pronounce this? Sylvie Lister. I'm fine with mispronouncing shit, so I don't give a fuck. Sylvie Lister. Sylvie Lissoir.

All right. She looks like a Nazi thoroughbred. Like Claire Danes mated with Master Racehorse. That's a compliment in Norway. That would be a compliment in Norway. And finally, Justin Trudeau. I'll take this one. Justin Trudeau is Canadian, which means that no matter how much good shit he does, no one

will notice and history will forget him. Just like Canada, a country that thinks Crown Royal is whiskey. So don't have Tom introduce you to a blind date is what he's saying. He's such a good guy. Don't have Tom introduce you to a blind date is what we say. We're all going to die on a carpet-burned floor as a man drills the last seed he could have raised a child with into the hole you used to call an ass. It's been a bad year. Okay, we also got donations from the recovering gringo, Doug, Wade, and Toby,

asking us to mock some fellow secular crusaders. So why not spice things up? I'm going to ask you to roast the following as one of the four horsemen. Everybody ready? Eli, you must roast Sam Harris as Sam Harris. Okay, let me get the theme music. Okay. Hello, and welcome to Waking Up. Then I've got a really fascinating conversation with David Duke about social justice.

You all made me this way. You could have helped me. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. I want to watch Wapner. He's never coming on the show. He's never coming on the show.

No, I'd like you to roast Mark from Thank God I'm Atheist as Hitch. Oh, me doing voices. Good idea. How much do you want to bet Hitch winds up like an old Jew by the end of this? All right, hold on. Wait, sorry, Mark, the third guy down. Okay, I got this. Marcus, you're a miserable twat.

And the very fact that your drollery has been insufficient to overtake the likes of Frank as the show's head gay is all the evidence you need of what an utter rampalian you truly are. You, sir, are a fustelarian love award fit only for the pursuits of an iniquitous mumble crust. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go smoke cigarettes to death. Oh, that's great. I just Googled old-timey insults.

A fucking amazing. Mumblecrust is the best thing ever. Iniquitous mumblecrust is amazing. Heath, I'd like you to mock Andrew Copson, president of the International Humanist and Ethical Union, as fellow Brit Richard Dawkins. All right. All right.

You literally look like a lawn gnome for a racist black hobbit. Send your hate mail to... Oh, no. God. Oh, no. I'm glad you did that on our show, fucker. Right? I know.

And Cecil, like a gay 19-year-old at last call during Reason Rally, you're stuck with Daniel Dennett. And I'd like you to roast Darren Augzier, founder of not one, but two secular groups in Nebraska. I can't do Dan Dennett. I watched a couple videos of his, and I just can't do it. The guy's way

smarter than me, and he uses words I seriously don't understand. So I'm just gonna do Darren here. I will say, Darren, the only thing that you can do to pass time in Nebraska besides devising a plan to escape Nebraska is form secular groups. It's good to surround

yourself with like-minded people, Darren. People who hate their life because they live in Nebraska, which is the population of Nebraska. I'll take a shot at Dan Dennett, though, while I'm here, so you guys don't feel like I'm cheating. Dan Dennett looks like the only miracle he won't debunk is the one on 34th Street. All right.

Now it's time for Roaster's Choice. We got donations from Callie N., Brandon, Amy, David, Magn... N... Elliot, Joshua, Garrett, Nicholas, Dean, Namas, and Jeff letting us choose who we want to roast or just giving us money out of the goodness of their hearts. I want to take a special moment to thank Brian, Brandon, and Jeff especially who gave us 500, 539, and a thousand fucking dollars and didn't even have a request.

Wow. We're going to send you the story of God as one of our top donors. For everyone else, we'll do a roaster's choice. Wow. We're going to send you the story of God as one of our top donors. For everyone else, we'll do a roaster's choice. Gentlemen, roast where your hearts take you. Ooh, okay. I've been waiting for this for years.

Mariska Hargitay looks like a Sarah Lawrence freshman tried to shock her parents by pretending to be gay with a haircut. Give one fucking emotion. She spent 456 seasons being carried as a bigger burden than his forehead. The writers gave you every possible emotion through this series and the only acting performance

you ever managed to deliver each and every time was asking to speak to the manager at fucking JCPenney. Your acting is so bad and your character is so unlikable I found myself rooting for rapists and murderers just to upset a fictional version of you. And finally, fuck your fucking name.

You sound like something a guy with a bag full of pressure cookers and firecrackers makes up for a cop. Spend 10 minutes with your agent and name yourself Melissa Eckhirk like a normal human being. She also tried to get me fired once, so it's a whole thing.

Okay, whatever we want. Anything you want. Chicago pizza is the fucking worst. It's the worst. I can't believe we're talking about this. It looks like bread pudding rejected an organ transplant.

God damn it. It looks like the bus tub at an Italian restaurant had a miscarriage. It's like open-faced stem cell research. Why would you want that? We call it a grinder. If David Daleiden put Chicago pizza in that Sting video, we would have already shut down Planned Parenthood

and overturned Roe v. Wade at this point. Okay, I want to do one, but I want to start out by saying that I think Penn Jillette is a great podcaster, a funny guy, and one of the best magicians I've ever seen. But Penn, seriously, you should forget you ever picked up a bass. And by that, I mean you should hire like an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind service to replace all the memories of you playing music, listening to your music, or thinking about your music with the sound of people being burned alive so now you know how everyone else feels. You should play exclusively electric bass, like the bass electrocutes you if you take it off.

Alright, I just want to say there is no amount of electrical eels I would refuse to smuggle in my rectum if it meant that Zack Snyder never got to make another fucking movie. I get it, bro. Your career as Hugh Laurie's sneer double didn't work out and you had to do something. But when the Catholic Church

rapes away happy childhoods, at least they don't charge you for it. For fuck's sake, man. Your movies have more rape and homoeroticism than the warehouse Tom Rents under an assumed name. I use my real name. I'm proud. Fuck you guys.

You don't know me. You know what really warmed my cold dead heart on your show is roasting a whole category of people. I like knowing that my vitriol is aimed at a group rather than wasting my ire on only one person at a time. So I'm going to roast every stupid fucking barista

who puts sugar in my fucking coffee even when I expressly ordered it black. Listen up, you fedora-wearing, ironically bearded, singer-songwriter-loving shit for brains. No matter what a faceless corporate greed machine tells you or what color apron you tie around the waist of your effeminate hips. You are not a fucking coffee sommelier. You don't find hints of current black tea and leather in the latest offerings from Guatemala.

You have nothing to offer the larger world other than the fact that you are behind the counter controlling my access to caffeine. You have an easy job. People come in and they order a fucking drink and you make it and that's the whole thing. This isn't your calling. This isn't your life's fucking work. You don't even have to make decisions. Just do what you're fucking told. And if you're told that the coffee should be black then here's what you do. You pour the coffee in a cup. That's literally the whole fucking task! You will get paid to do this, but only if you can get Snow Patrol's cock out of your mouth long enough not to fuck it up!

So quit checking to see how many calories your Apple Watch says you burned jerking off this morning, and try to fuck up an order so fucking easy you could train the Amish to do it. I don't like sugar in my coffee. Which means it's time. That's so fun. Which means it's time for another double down. Finally, the category is crazy Christians. Which means it's time for another double down, Suck Me Round. Finally.

The category is Crazy Christians. And your challenge is to insult them by pitching me a Christian movie they could star in together. Thanks to Lindsay, TJ, Patrick, Rachel, Joshua, Aaron, Kyle, Andrew, Quincy, Kristen, Reynolds, Todd, Anna, and Eric. Guys, are you ready? We are ready. Professional tooth smuggler Joel Osteen and retired brain cell user Ted Nugent.

When the ACLU comes after Pastor Osteen for chewing with illegal-sized teeth, one brave country soul will rise up to defend his faith and shoot those teeth back down to legal size in Nothing But the Tooth. I'm not going to be that clever. I guarantee it. President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Russell M. Nelson and Jabba the Hutt cosplayer, John Hagee.

Alright, so Russ and John find out they're twins. Not of the same womb, but they're both fertilized in vitro. With a female egg and the shame sperm from the sock under the bed. And then the climax of the movie is them committing suicide because they were unnatural and everyone else in the world lives happily ever after.

Christian apologist Greg Kokel and president of the Family Research Council's Tony Perkins. This one I'll take. This is Squat and Deliver. It's either a shit or a baby. Either way, these ideas were birthed in a toilet. About swatter refugee Steven Anderson

and 80-year-old virgin Pope Francis. Alleged. It's a heartwarming rom-com about two homophobic assholes who go on a drug-addled road trip to Nevada and can't help but fuck each other while they weep with guilt. Queer and self-loathing in Las Vegas.

And convicted felon Dinesh D'Souza and ghost of Christmas mutton chop Ken Ham. When Ken Ham goes to see Dinesh D'Souza predict how many weeks of winter we have left, he finds himself endlessly reliving the same worn-out arguments and ideas from yesteryear in Doesn't Know His Ass from a Hole in the Groundhog Day.

Ooh, I like it. I like it. Full-time cult leader, part-time scarecrow Sho Ruffman and Catholic League jowl-sh, Bill Donahue. Down on his luck, Catholic prude Bill Donahue will meet up with end-times preacher Cheryl Ruthven who thinks cats are sacred creatures

and will lead us to heaven. Bill will finally be convinced of the power of pussy. Doubtful. Doubtful. And finally, but not least, ghost of a touchy wrestling coach, Brian Fisher. And also finally, Eli's arch nemesis, Kelly Kohlberg. Her Lyme disease took away her freedom and his donut hole of a penis was the only cure.

Despite it all, and guided by God's love, they'll do the sexual equivalent of jamming a lady finger in a sugar bowl in God's Shove. And that is going to do it for part three of Vulgarity for Charity. Thanks again to everyone who gave our guest roasters into no illusions, Eli Bosnick and Heath Enright. If you want to hear part four, tune into this Thursday's episode of The Scathing Atheist.

Finally. Thanks for joining us, guys. This was awesome. Thanks so much. This was so much fun. Thanks for joining us, guys. This was awesome. Thanks so much. This was so much fun. Thanks for having us, guys. So we want to thank our newest patrons, Jonas, Mike and Michelle, Nicole, poor Canadian scientist, Stephen, Timothy, Liz, Michelle, W, Michelle S, Heather, Kathleen, Adrian, Stefan, Hunter, Garrett, Claire, Chuck, Eliza, Mackenzie, Jay, Alex, Purple Corgi, Brendan, Troy, some Indian guy, and Cameron.

Thanks so much for your generous donations. We really do truly appreciate it. It's through your generosity that we are traveling in a few weeks to QED. If you are interested in meeting up with us, there are two meetups. One at Glasgow, which I think is already booked up. I think it is, too. I think the Edenberg. The Edenberg one is, I think, might still have a few seats left open.

So take a look. See if you do it. We can put a link on this episode's show notes for you to take a look and see if you want to jump in and hang out with us in Edinburgh. We are also going to be at QED for a couple days. We are absolutely looking forward to meeting anybody who's in the UK and hanging out. It should be great. I know somebody had sent us a message and said, hey, I can't get into the Glasgow one. What do you guys say about what's going to happen afterwards?

And it looks like the Glasgow one, only Glasgow, I don't know how to say it. Glasgow. Glasgow. Whatever. That place is going to end at, it looks like 10 o'clock, and I suspect the bar stays open later than that. So I imagine that after the thing winds down, we're going to be there hanging out still.

Yeah, we don't turn into pumpkins. I don't turn into a pumpkin at 10 o'clock. Tom, I'm going to have to put Tom in a wheelbarrow and fucking take him home that night because he's going to be so wasted. I am going to need a minder. Yeah. I'm just saying. I'm going to need a minder. Yeah. I'm just saying. I'm going to need an interpreter and a minder.

I'm going to need so many adults to help me. I'll tell you. But we are absolutely looking forward to you. Thank you so much for your generous donations. We want to let you know that in the near future, possibly this episode, you may have experienced an ad. Maybe next episode. we're not sure we don't know when but it's coming

the free show that goes out to non patrons is going to have an ad in it in the coming weeks we're not sure how many per month but we will have some ads for the people who get the show for free if you want to get a commercial free version of the show you can always become a patron

it's as cheap as a buck a show you get the If you want to get a commercial free version of the show, you can always become a patron. It's as cheap as a buck a show. You get the show early and you get a commercial free version and you get access to all the extra stuff that we put together. And there is going to be a extra show coming soon. We may actually be doing Jesse. I forget his name. What's his name? Jesse something.

The illiterate guy. The guy who can barely speak. So you'll know him when you hear him. And it's going to be excellent work. We're looking forward to that. I feel like it's going to be good. It's going to be so good. It's going to be so good. You won't believe how good it's going to be.

We also got a PayPal donation. PayPal is just another way for you to contribute to the show and to the show's production. We got a PayPal donation from Jennifer. You can head over to DissonancePod.com, click on Donate, and send us money that way. So we got a message. This is from Chelsea, and Chelsea wants us to talk a little bit about growing up religious but then now being an atheist and still being a little afraid of God. Yeah, you know, it's a tough issue. And I don't think anybody has an answer

other than you just have to spend, and this is the worst and nobody wants to hear it, but I think it's true. You have to spend some time with it. You're not going to move past years of childhood indoctrination and young adult indoctrination overnight. It's easy to switch the way we think.

It's much more difficult to change the way we feel. And fear, one of the things that religion preys on is fears, and it builds those fears into our subconscious, and we can change the way that we think and how that we think and what we think, but it takes time for our thoughts to percolate down into our emotional and feelings and all that kind of shit. So you're going to have to spend some time with it. And once you spend enough time with it, eventually that will pass because it won't be reinforced any longer by a continued

indoctrination. Yeah. I remember when I was an agnostic, now this is before I actually decided to call myself an atheist. And I don't, I mean, if we're going to get really technical, I think I'm hard agnostic, whatever, because I just... Oh, if you do like the Dawkins scale. Yeah, like the Dawkins scale or whatever. I'm right where Dawkins is. I'm not any farther than... Well, maybe you could commit a little further, sir.

In any case, I am. I'm only on the Dawkins side, the guy who wrote The God Delusion. But when I was an agnostic, when I was a lot more just like, I don't know and I don't, I'm not sure. Sure, yeah. What got me through that is, because if you are that I'm not sure, you do sort of, you don't give equal credence to both traditions, but you do give some credence to the tradition you believed before. And so I would say something like, I don't know, but I live my life like a good person. And if some magical man in the sky were to say, you know what? I think you should go to hell for the life that I lived. I was nothing I could do

differently. There is nothing I could do differently as a human being, except for believe in something I can't, I can't see evidence that you can't get there and so if that's the if that's the deciding factor then i wasn't it wasn't meant to be anyway so we got a short ike bumper this is from lexa good evening i'm a lizard woman from the dawn of time so if i had a nickel for how many times i've heard that so delightfully british thank you we got an amazing image i don't know if you found this or made this mike i don't know either but this is hillary clinton in a fucking hannibal lecter mask in both great in both black and white and color i am going to print to one of each of these out.

It's going on the wall and put it on the wall. It's going on the wall. Amazing. Mike, I don't know if you found this. Like I said, I'm not sure if you found this or made it, but it's brilliant.

I'll put an image of this on this episode. Show notes. This is episode three 19. She's creeping me out, man. She's fucking amazing. So we want to thank, of course, Chris Matheson for joining us uh the

author of story of god that's available on amazon now in paperback with an adenum of satan at the end i think that's hilarious hilarious chris was a great guy thank you so much for joining us chris we want to thank the scathing atheist crew of course uh noah heath and eli hilarious guys thanks for joining us today on the third installment of vulgarity for charity be sure to check us out on their show we've been doing like this fucking reach around special for the past two weeks with them where we're going to be on their show yet again to do a final hopefully a final version of vulgarity for charity we want to thank heartfelt thanks to everybody who donated we are so impressed to be able to donate that much money to vulgarity for Charity. We want to thank, heartfelt thanks to everybody who donated. We are so impressed to be able to donate

that much money to Vulgarity for Charity. We are excited that our audience went out of their way to do that. That match went so fast. It was lightning fast. It was within hours. It was lightning fast. It was great.

It just shows the charity and just the good nature and the giving nature of the atheists in this community. You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for donating. Don't stop now. Modest Needs needs your help. This doesn't change just because we're not roasting anymore. Modest Needs, I think Cecil and I both agree, this is a charity that we're genuinely enamored of and excited about.

This is a charity that we're genuinely enamored of and excited about. To think about how many people's lives legitimately just changed as a result of this. How many gas bills got paid? How many grocery bills got taken care of? How many car repairs were made? How many doctor's visits were made or are now possible because of these donations? These are really significant donations that affect and impact the lives of very specific people whose stories you can read and you can see exactly what kind of impact you make. I think that's a kind of giving, for me at least, that really drives

and motivates me. And it's exciting to be able to tap into the generosity of you, our audience, and ask to do something so worthwhile. So truly and honestly, thank you guys. I think it's a point of real pride to be a part of a community like this for me. So that's going to wrap it up for this episode. I want to thank you for joining us, and we're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in

scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal,

free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Leo Pisces,

cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands.

Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you. Eli, the word finally is only for the end of things.

I love you. I love you. But you're not allowed to use that word ever again. If you fucking put the word finally on page fucking five of a 17-page document again, I will fucking drive to wherever it is that you are and beat the shit out of you with great love and affection. There's six instances of finally. There's six instances of finally. And how many of in conclusion? Jesus Christ.

He did so much work. He did so much work. He did so much work. All I could do is bag him. Jesus Christ. You're such an asshole. I know. I spent so much time. All I can do is bag on it. Jesus Christ. You're such an asshole. I spend so much time trying to think of new ways to introduce the sentence. Blake, your name, your turn.

You guys have me on the mean streak, though. It's in the blood at this point. I'm looking up old English tenses. Thou! All right. And Eli, I think this one has to be for you. You skipped finally. I was going to use it again.

But I think I already used it on page two, and it comes up again on page nine. Sorry. And 16. Sorry. Go ahead. I didn't mean to.