Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 33: Lawmakers for Constitutional Ignorance

Episode Date: February 6, 2012

Notes for week 2/6/12 TENNESSEE RESTAURANT THROWS OUT ANTI-GAY LAWMAKER Pastor complains that Starbucks is "turning against God" and following Satan Muslims Declare Jihad on Dogs in Europe One Million Moms to JC Penney: fire Ellen, she's gay Santorum To Gay Man: You Don’t Deserve ‘Privilege’ Of Marriage Because Gay Unions Don’t ‘Benefit Society’ Alabama Republican Senator: Low teacher pay mandated by God Indiana Senate passes bill putting religion in science class It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane, It’s ‘Bible Man’: Alabama School Board Makes Super-Bad Decision Toddlers subjected to palm-reading assessments in China Quebec woman 'cooked to death': report Romney: 'I'm not concerned about the very poor' Bath Christian group's 'God can heal' adverts banned 'Obedient Wives Club' Irks Some Muslims In Malaysia Clips: The Simpsons, Pulp Fiction, Ellen Degeneres stand up, Rick Santorum, Bibleman, Jesus Camp and Blue Suede “Hooked on a Feeling”, A Few Good Men, Kevin MacLeod - "At Rest" Incompetech.com.Angry Atheisthttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaPKt3c8S-w&feature=youtu.be http://www.ghostshop.com/ Visit our Website at for all the links.

have you ever sat on your Italian leather couch in your opulent home bonbon spilling from your mouth belching up the pizza you had just minutes before wondering how to help the less fortunate placebos without borders can help you help them help themselves. Helpfully. This poor child has never known the healing kiss of water's naturally energetic vibrations. For only many hundreds of dollars a day, you can provide this child with the arsenic dilutes his body needs to fight the literally dozens of maladies that afflict him. Don't delay. Act now. This child's face has literally fallen off due to malnutrition and

parasites. With your help, Placebos Without Borders can cram sugar pills through his mouth hole to increase his chi. In uncertain times, it takes fortitude to soldier on. That's why here, at Placebos Without Borders, we've created our own unique brand of pyramid-shaped nutritional supplements to harness the healing power of geometric shapes and the natural curative strength of random weeds grown behind our warehouse. Each day, these horribly crippled children, so awful to look at, go without readjustment or chakra realignment.

Each day, they fight the local wildlife for scraps of genetically modified foods. These children live in filthy, run-down hovels, scrounging to use garbage from unsanitary pits as shelter. The feng shui is nearly unbearable. You wouldn't let your child's bed face north. Why should these children suffer the crime of unhealthy energy flow just because they are poor? If you could pay to send these children a feng shui

master, would you? Or would you just turn away? Don't let the natural ice crystals in your cold, dead American blood prevent you from helping Placebos Without Borders help others to help themselves. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat.

Episode 33 of Cognitive Dissonance is here to ruin your day. And from some of the emails we've got, it is sure to ruin your day. Yeah, no kidding. It's definitely going to ruin somebody's day. And they're going to tell us in detail about how it has ruined their day. Right. Feel free to return your product. Yeah, exactly. All your refunds are in the mail as we speak.

We got all the emails of all the dissatisfied customers. And right now they're just all in the mail. All that, all, expect to check. Yeah, if it doesn't meet what we've promised. Also, we have promised nothing. I just want to throw that out there. Exactly nothing. So.

But we've got some great stories to cover for you. And the first one I think that we've got to talk about is actually a story that I find awesome. This is from thinkprogress.org. Tennessee restaurant throws out anti-gay lawmaker. I just hear Nelson from The Simpsons. This is the same douchebag that we covered in the past. This is the guy who said it's virtually impossible to spread HIV AIDS through heterosexual sex. It's also virtually impossible to get a chicken sandwich at the bistro.

What a douchebag. I'm happy that they threw him out. I mean I think if it's your business and you own a business and you don't want a person there and they happen to be a bigot, you shouldn't have to be forced to serve the bigot. We've talked about this and it's just part of – I think immediately like, good, no quarter for these assholes. They shouldn't be able to go to – you shouldn't be able to go to your favorite restaurant and be treated like a decent human being when you aren't one. He doesn't want to treat other people like human beings. Right. I mean, this guy is clearly anti-gay. Well, if you're clearly anti 10 percent of the population, well, then fucking enjoy no food, douchebag.

You don't get to eat here. You know, in a brief interview, Campbell confirmed to BuzzFeed that the restaurant's hostess called him homophobic, said he hates homosexuals, and refused to serve him. Good for the hostess. Good for you, hostess. Right. Fuck you, dude. You are an asshole. I hope everywhere he goes, I hope he goes to get a tire changed and they won't change his tire.

I hope that he goes to buy groceries and the bagger won't bag his groceries. I hope everywhere he goes, he's made to feel a second-class citizen. The bagger is, like, not able to bag his groceries, so he's uncomfortably putting his cucumbers in the bag, you know? Again, all cucumbers, sir. You're buying only cucumbers? Really? Cucumbers in this tub of Vaseline? What is happening at your house, sir? Do you really like cucumbers? Really? Cucumbers in this tub of Vaseline? What is happening at your house? Can you really like cucumbers that much?

I have this wonderful recipe for a cucumber and Vaseline salad. That's even worse than the implication. The dressing is Santorum, so. Oh, jeez. Guys. I've ruined everyone's lunch. Oh, we're've got to go. I've ruined everyone's lunch. Oh, we're only four minutes in and I've ruined everyone's lunch already. Well, you know, I want to say we record this on Sunday morning.

So the whole day is now shot. The whole day. I was going to go out for breakfast. Well. How can I eat a sausage after a comment like this? You can't eat sausage. Very, very slowly you're all dead oh be nice oh my son doesn't stand a chance the whole world's gone gay oh my god what's happening now we work hard. We play hard.

So this is another story we've got to talk about from God discussion. Pastor Stephen Andrew, president of USA Christian Ministries, has issued a call for every Christian and church to boycott Starbucks. And it's not because all their beans taste burned and their coffee is too expensive. It is, in fact, because Starbucks supports marriage equality in the state of Washington, which recently passed. It ignores Levitican nonsense. And so it is like a tool of Satan. Basically, Starbucks, like the Frappuccino is Frappuccino is a tool of Satan. Is serving Satan.

I'm going to pull a Herman Cain here and say, I have no facts to back this up. But if they were to know about coffee back then, I guarantee Leviticus would have banned it. Oh, yeah. It's too enjoyable. Yeah. They're like, oh, sorry.

It's an abomination to put shit in a French press. Right. There's no way that these uptight motherfuckers could sit there with one of life's greatest pleasures, a warm cup of coffee, and not find some way to link that to sin. Oh, yeah. They'd abandon that shit immediately. Right. Right. Absolutely. yeah. Oh, yeah. They'd abandon that shit immediately. Right. Right. Absolutely.

There's just no way. You'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a terrific comfort to you. That has got to be wrong. And as somebody who doesn't live by Levitical law, I dip shrimp in my coffee like every week. I actually dip gay cocks in my coffee. It's like a biscotti it's a biscotti oh god this is going nowhere this whole show we've ruined everything this is like one again this though is the pick and choose religion right because it's just one thing out of Leviticus.

I'm sure that their cups are made out of two fucking different types of fucking paper. You know what I mean? Like that sort of thing. Those things that Leviticus would have cautioned us. I'm sure the people behind the counter are wearing two different types of fabric. Right. It's silly, man. It's just fucking silly.

Because Leviticus is a silly book. It's a silly book. You can't look at it and be like, well, that's's a serious i should really pay more attention to leviticus i've really been shaving my beard occasionally like i've really you know i've noticed that i have not killed my son or daughter for disrespect so i really should reconsider some things my no come on that's a fucking silly book and you don't have to be a fucking biblical scholar, which I'm definitively not. Yeah, no kidding. To know that this is something I don't have to pay attention to.

Right. Because I can live a full and complete and good and moral life without paying any attention to Leviticus ever, ever. Because there's no magic man in the sky that gives a shit where my dick goes. And, you know, here's another thing, too. It's like here's a guy who benefits off a modern society that wants to bring back some Bronze Age bullshit. Well, he doesn't have to fight off the fucking barbarians on the way to Starbucks. You know, we live in a fucking society that's fucking gotten past the times when you need a fucking a city watch and a gate right right exactly let's fucking drop the fucking text that went along with that please we don't have the

same set of fucking concerns right so we don't have to have the same set of rules because they don't guard us against the same ills anymore i mean obviously you know a lot of these prescriptions and leviticus were they were i'm sure they were nonsense then they're nonsense, you know, a lot of these prescriptions in Leviticus, I'm sure they were nonsense then. They're nonsense now. You know, I love Starbucks as much as I joke about them. I go to Starbucks. I got a little Starbucks gold card and what have you. This podcast sponsored by Starbucks.

Starbucks. Starbucks. No. They're not following the dictates of Satan. They're making coffee, you stupid shithead. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothing that ain't got sense enough to disregard its own feces.

How about a dog? Dog eats his own feces. I don't eat dog either. Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal? I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy, but they're definitely dirty. But dogs got personality. Personality goes a long way. So by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality,

he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true? Well, we have to be talking about one charming motherfucking pig. I mean, he'd have to be ten times more charming than that animal on Green Anchors, you know what I'm saying? In the Netherlands, there's a problem with dogs. Except for that's not entirely accurate. Right.

That is exactly not accurate. There's a problem with Muslims that hate dogs because dogs are somehow ritually unclean. And so people are getting fucking hassled for having dogs even people who have like seeing eye dogs and like helper dogs like dogs are like yeah if you have a fucking seizure i'll be the thing that's furry and probably saves your life these people are getting fucking hassled by religious dipshits who think that man's best friend, bred over tens of thousands of years specifically to help people, is somehow ritually unclean. I mean, I'll admit, you know, there have been some dogs that have been around that have

been like, man, that's not a good dog. That's not a clean animal. That's not a very clean animal. But I think that's the fucking fault of the owners more than it's the fucking fault of the dog. Look, man, that dog will clean his balls for you at the drop of a hat. So you can't tell me he's unclean. I've had dogs, they lick themselves clean day after day. He'll do it without command.

You don't even have to tell him. He does it. It's like a fucking automatic dishwashing machine. It just puts itself on. I put my balls on sanitize. He didn't dry as a son of a bitch. Sorry. So I was trying to come up with an analogy for this.

And I don't know that this is going to work, but I'm going to try. So let's imagine that like – and they're saying that there's a good portion of Muslims in this one city, 20 percent even, 20 percent of the total population of Muslims in one city. So imagine like, you know, a bunch of people from, let's say, Minnesota decided that they were going to move to, I don't know, let's say Afghanistan. And they take over 20 percent of the population and they start walking around town like, man, you know what I really hate is the smell of cumin. I can't stand the smell. So you can't. I want to make sure that everybody who cooks in the city can't use cumin because if I smell it, I'm going to get sick to my stomach. Well, you can't do that. You can't just walk in and be like, you know what? You have a deep, rich cultural tradition

of using cumin in your foods. Now you can't do it anymore. We have a deep, rich cultural tradition because you know, you were hunters before you were fucking gatherers of having dogs, dogs living in your society with you. A long tradition of this. But you can't, you know what? I'm going to move to your city and tell you how the fuck it is. Fuck you, dude. You don't fucking like the dogs.

Don't move to the city. If you don't like dogs, don't get a fucking dog. Just don't get a dog. Be like, you know what I don't own? I don't own a dog. Why? Because I think they're ritually unclean. The dog is fucking evidence. dog just don't get a dog be like you know what i don't own i don't own a dog why because i think they're ritually unclean the the dog is fucking evidence the dog itself is evidence of its

relationship with mankind absolutely it dogs don't exist without a symbiotic relationship with mankind we fucking bred them selectively over many hundreds of generations the the pecanese is not a living thing in the wild you can't like be like hey remember that wild pecanese that's never been a thing it exists only because of that relationship which has been cultivated over time down the centuries you can't throw out that tradition because your religious beliefs are so fucking backwards and insane that you're just going to be like, yeah, well, we don't like that kind of animal. Okay, then don't fucking get one. Instead, these people are poisoning dogs. That's ridiculous, man.

They're not letting people on public buses. That's another thing, too. It's like if you're a Muslim and you're driving a bus, you don't get to say because it's a city fucking bus. Right. So everything gets on the bus. I don't care. You don't get to fucking,

you don't get to choose whether or not black people get on the bus. Right. You don't get to choose whether or not, this is a fucking person with a fucking seeing eye dog. You can't decide that as a city worker. Now, if it's a fucking, if it's a private, if this is a restaurant and they say no dogs can't even bring your seeing eye dogs in, I know that there's some laws and shit that they could get fined for. But it's their place.

They get to make that decision. That's fine. Take your fine and shut up and move on. But you shouldn't be able to be on a – in a public area or in a public bus or something run by the city have somebody tell you, you can't bring your dog in here. Right, it's like, I would like to avail myself of the transportation options provided by the city through my tax dollars. Well, fuck it, I'm Muslim, I happen to be a bus driver, you get nothing. Or there's one where there was a Muslim on the bus,

and the driver's like, no, you can't get on. Right, but right, he wasn't even a Muslim bus driver, he's just afraid it was going to offend the other passenger. Well, what about the passenger who's getting on the bus? He's offended too. Yeah, and there's a law that says, at least in the states, Tom, there's a law that you can't actually refuse people that are handicapped. Right. And this is just some more of that I want to impose my religion on other people.

In the name of religious freedom, I want to restrict your access to care. I want to restrict your access to resources. I want to restrict your freedom because it interferes with my freedom. Right. Well, that's fucking nonsense. That's utter nonsense. If you don't want a dog, don't get a fucking dog. If you don't like seeing dogs, stay home.

And I want to make sure that people understand so we don't cut these fucking emails off at the pass here. This story where we're talking about these dogs and people not having a right to bitch about the dogs is not the same thing as the guy not letting the person in to his shop because he's a homophobe. It's a totally different thing. We're talking about public land, public people. I don't think anybody should not be allowed inside of a place. And if you're in a public place, you shouldn't be able to tell people, hey, you can't bring your dog here. Yeah, that's exactly it.

There's a difference between the private and the public sphere. In the private sphere, you get to make the rules. In the public sphere, you don't get to make the rules. The rules have to be open and available for everybody. And if the person didn't have a fucking seeing eye problem, and they had a fucking dog and they were trying to get on the fucking bus,

and there's no dogs allowed, then the fucking dog doesn't come on the bus. That's just a fucking rule. That's a different story, though. That's not a fucking seeing eye animal or a helper monkey. I wonder if they think helper monkeys are – I wonder if they're like helper monkeys are unclean too. So the blind people are just fucked.

They're just – because they can't use any kind of animal to help them. We need to train different animals for Muslims. Like seeing eye pigs, that would be fantastic. I want a seeing eye walrus. I don't know that – I mean if you're more aquatic, then I would think that would be good. Look, first of all, it would be more in keeping with my personal shape. It'd go about as fast as you do. Let's not pretend I'm getting around that much anyway. While you're lumbering around, you could bring your walrus with you.

Seeing eye hippo. They're so mean. Just attacks people. Just bites them in half. Seeing I sloth. From your arm. You're just like, this doesn't do me any good at all. It doesn't do anything.

You're like whacking into the door frames. They take forever to train. We lose more slots that way. You got to stay away from the seeing-eye gator, too. That's a bad one. They're a little aggressive, you know. And they're terrible in the winter. I just sit there.

But I need to get to work. Seeing my gerbils. Stop eating your young. I got things to do. You just listen for the sound of that ball rolling over. You just follow the hamster ball. The city streets are littered with hamster balls. Littered with hamster balls.

San Francisco's a mess of the hills. Little gerbils plastered to the wall as they fling down the road. He was going 102 before they pulled. All these people running after their gerbil balls. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And with all of our differences, we all have one thing in common. We're all gay.

Now there are people out there going, do they think we're gay because we're here? Do we look gay? I told you this would happen. We're not going to understand a word of this. No, that's my one obligatory gay reference. I have to say something gay, otherwise some people might leave here tonight going, she didn't do anything gay.

She's not our leader. I have to say something gay. Otherwise, some people might leave here tonight going, she didn't do anything gay. She's not our leader. What happened to our leader? So this next story is from Yahoo News. One million moms to JCPenney. Fire Ellen. She's gay. Burn the witch. Burn her.

One million moms is not one million moms. Let's throw that out there first. It's like 400 crackpots in a computer. Yeah, that's exactly it. It's a project of the American Family Association. No surprises there. Right, right. And they're very angry at JCPenney because JCPenney is hired as a spokesperson, Ellen.

And Ellen, of course, is an open homosexual. And that's even worse, by the way, than just being a homosexual, right? Right. Being an open homosexual. You have to have the proper amount of shame to be a homosexual in this country. If you do not exhibit the proper amount of shame, they'll let you know. You know, they want everybody to boycott JCPenney because, you know, they hired a gay woman to be their spokesperson. Yeah.

That's crazy. Well, it turns out that they're not going to listen. Like Macy's before when we had that story about Macy's, the woman who was like, well, I don't want the transgender people to come in here. Well, it's not your fucking call, stupid. You can leave. Okay, I leave. Well, you quit. Great. The end. Same thing here. We don't want Ellen. Well, it's not your fucking call, stupid. You can leave. Okay, I leave. Well, you quit. Great. The end.

Same thing here. We don't want Ellen. Well, we're going to have Ellen. Us 400 moms aren't going to shop there. Okay, so don't buy your fucking mom jeans at JCPenney. Nobody gives a shit. You're not going to be rocking the 12-inch zipper here. You know what I mean? It's not going to happen. We'll sell

more yards and yards of denim to other people. Exactly. Who gives a shit? You fucking bigots. The American Family Association is anything but an American family association. And this is just an offshoot of that bigot branch. And it should, you know, okay, great. Now I know that when I go to JCPenney, I probably won't be confronted by dipshits.

Yeah, it makes me want to shop there. It makes me want to shop there. It absolutely does. It makes me think like, OK, good. Macy's and JCPenney. And I want to see more of these corporations, Macy's, JCPenney's, Starbucks. These are not small corporations in America from a retail standpoint. point, you know, as more of them become more supportive of, you know, gay rights and gay unions and hire gay spokespeople and what have you, that's only advantageous to the

thinking people in this country. All it does is just it just makes it one less safe place for people to go and be small minded and narrow. You know, the opposite rings true too. If you're going to be a bigoted organization and you come out as such, I won't shop there. Like Chick-fil-A. Like Chick-fil-A.

That recently, very recently, Tom, I was at a place where there was a Chick-fil-A and I was there all day. I was stuck there all day and I was hungry. I was getting hungry, but there was a Chick-fil-A and a ton of people kept coming back upstairs with all this food. And I'm like, and I look on the bag and they're like, oh, it's – and they're like making fun of it.

They're like, oh, it's Jesus food. It's Jesus. They keep on saying it's Jesus food. And I'm like, well, I ain't eating that. I'll go hungry. I will go hungry all day, wait until I leave, and then purchase something somewhere else. I refuse, absolutely refuse to give them my money. It's just not going to happen. Well, it's got to happen. It's got to be that way, right? It's responsible

consumership. You know, every day that you spend a dollar is a day that you're saying, okay, I know this about you and I'm still choosing to spend my money at your organization. It's different if you don't know. Right, sure. If you don't know and you spend money at an organization and then you find out later, I'm not suggesting that you feel this terrible sense of shame and guilt. What the fuck that means. Yeah, and even if you know, I still don't. I mean, hey, if you want to buy a Chick-fil-A sandwich and you like Chick-fil-A, eat it.

Great. But I'm not going to. I personally won't do it. Now, unlike Islam, where the higher law and the civil law are the same, in our case, we have civil laws. But our civil laws have to comport with the higher law. This next story is from Think Progress. Rick Santorum to gay men. You don't deserve privilege of marriage because gay unions don't benefit society.

What? What? My marriage doesn't benefit society. Right. How does my marriage to my wife benefit society? I mean, it barely benefits my wife. How does it benefit society? Yeah, and now I have to live my life thinking, well, how can I make sure that all my actions being married benefit society?

How dare you put that burden on me, Rick Santorum? I don't even understand the argument. Somehow, somehow the fact that we don't just live together, but that we that we pledged to live our lives, you know, that we got married somehow when we did that. Now society has received some kind of benefit. Well, what benefit have they received that they would not have received if we were just living together? Or they would not have received if I was just a single guy? Or I don't understand. I don't understand this at all.

I don't understand what benefits society reaps. What this is is a veiled – there's like all these sort of implications that come with this because I think this always gets back to the children argument. It does. I think it almost always comes back to, well, you can't procreate. And part of me says, well, that's fine. There's plenty of babies. It's not like we're fucking running out of babies. It's not like fucking children of men where we're like, well, geez, there's fucking no babies. That's not good. But there's plenty of babies. It's not like fucking children of men, you know, where we're like, well, geez, there's fucking no babies.

That's not good. But it's, there's plenty of babies. You want a baby, you know, you could probably get a baby within five or six months. You could probably adopt a child, you know, from another country or here. But secondly, I also, I also want to say, well, just because you have a baby doesn't mean you're producing anything for society either. Because, you know, some of those mean you're producing anything for society either. Some of those babies go to jail eventually.

There are so many terrible parents. They're bad parents. They're not producing anything for society. They're not benefiting society. Hell, they raised a shitty kid. What does that say about people that don't want to have children or cannot have children? I'm thinking a couple is infertile. Right.

Okay. Even if, even if you bought into the nonsensical bullshit argument that people should just get married and have kids, that they have some duty to other people to, to, which is such horseshit. But even if you bought into that nonsense, what about infertile couples? Should they just be like, well, or what if one's infertile and the other's not? Should you annul their marriage so that the fertile one can go spread seed elsewhere? Or go get impregnated by somebody

else? I think in that case, Rick Santorum gets prima nocta. Nice. So he gets to come in and make sure, you know. And it doesn't matter which sex either. He'll do either sex. It's Santorum. That's Santorum. Otherwise. I'm thinking also of my grandfather.

He got remarried in his mid-80s. I don't think they're having any kids. And how is he benefiting society? Right. What is he doing? Did he build a hospital? He's driving around the country looking at things and being old. That's what he's doing.

Sure. He's owning a Cadillac and eating at 4 p.m. Right. That's what he's doing. Sure. He's owning a Cadillac and eating at 4 p.m. Like, that's what he's doing. 4 p.m., a midnight snack? Yeah. Like, what is... I don't... And really, I think it puts an unfair burden on people who are married. I don't want to have to

benefit society with my marriage. That's a lot of pressure. That's a lot of pressure, man. I have enough pressure failing my marriage as it is. Yeah, you can't put me on the spot like that. I tell my wife that all the time. It just doesn't work that way. So this next story is from Raw Story. This was unbelievable to me.

Alabama Republican senator. None of those, by the way, none of those descriptors of Senator have ever led to anything good, right? No, Alabama Republican Senator has never had the next part of the story be a good thing. You've never been like, oh, huh. Chin up for this one. So Alabama Republican Senator, low teacher pay mandated by God. This dude has got to be hypocrite of the year. It's only February.

Yeah. He basically says in this article, in his comments, he says that teachers should not get a pay raise because if they make too much money, then it will entice people into teaching for whom teaching is not a calling, but for whom they just want to get paid, right? Teachers get paid pretty well now, so I would like to get paid well. It's not my calling. I'll be a teacher. Conversely, he gives himself a 62% raise. I know. To guard against corruption.

corruption. Basically saying like, hey, if senators don't get paid enough, they won't be able to control themselves and will become corrupt. So you have to pay me more so I don't take bribes. But you don't want to pay your teachers because then,

Jesus. I don't know. And Jesus. Look, everybody. Jesus. What I want to say to the Republicans in general is just get your fucking story straight. Just everybody get together. Just, you know, it's like it's in between plays. It's time for the huddle. OK, we're going to huddle up and we're going to decide what our story is, because I don't

know if you remember, but when they were talking about teachers making too much when they were in Wisconsin. Do you remember Fox News is going crazy about how much money they made? Oh, they make way too much money. They don't deserve any extra money because they make too much money. But here he's saying, oh, they shouldn't have a raise because it will attract people who want to make money. If they want to make money, they'll just leave Alabama and go to Wisconsin. I don't understand this desire to make sure that we don't pay our teachers well.

I don't understand that at all. This idea like, well, teachers get paid too much money. They're really, really important people in society. And they don't make a lot of money. But even if they did, even if they made $250,000 a year, I wouldn't say like, wow, man, that teacher's getting over't. But even if they did, even if they made $250,000 a year, I wouldn't say like, wow, man, that teacher's getting overpaid. I'd say, man, that's a lot of money. That will attract the best and brightest. The best and brightest is standing in front of the

young people of the new generation to teach them how to be better people, how to learn shit. Think of how competitive a job is as you go up in salary, right? Like as you go up in salary, the job gets more and more and more competitive. The things that you have that qualify you for that job suddenly have to be immense in order to get it. Let's say that you up the teacher salary. Suddenly just having a college degree might not do it. Suddenly now it's like, oh, well, you need a college degree and you need to show that you have teaching experience and you need to show that you've done community service or whatever the thing is that they value. Whatever that is that they value that they think will add to the teaching and learning experience of these children. Suddenly you're able to pull from a much smaller pool, a pool that's got the best in it.

You've got to entice people into that job some way. There are going to be those people that are called. I understand what he's saying. I do too. He's saying I want to make sure that we get those people who are called to do it. But you know what? If you're called to do it, you will make sure you do every single thing you can to be qualified to do it. Well, and this calling thing is such bullshit.

This biblical calling nonsense. It's such horseshit. Let's be honest about how the world works. You go to college, you spend money going to college, a lot of money going to college. You know, it's not like you go to college and you don't rack up debt. Typically, you go to college and you rack up a substantial amount of debt. I was going to be a high school teacher. I have a little experience in this field. That's what my educational background is in English lit and secondary education. One of the reasons I ended up not teaching is because it was too expensive to go to college and you didn't make enough money

coming out of college. So it's like, I can't even pay off my student loans. I was making more money when I was working full-time selling electronics during college than I would have made getting my first job out of college. Absolutely. As a teacher. Absolutely. So I pursued other avenues. There's people – this is not about, well, it's your calling. You got to make sure to do the thing that you're calling.

I mean people need to be able to eat a food and drive a car and put a roof over their head. You know, nobody wants to spend, you know, four or five years in college and spending that money and that time, that energy only to walk out the door following their calling and living in a shitty studio apartment for the next 10 years. It's like bitching about the quality of teachers when all you did was call for volunteers. Right, right. Sorry, man. You got what you paid for. Right. Imagine if you were doing Habitat for Humanity and there was no foreman in charge. Right. Just volunteers. Okay, let's build a house. Who here knows how to do that? None of us. Fucking shitty house you built. You built a shitty fucking house. If you build anything, I would contend you wouldn't build anything.

It's a fucking stupid idea. And then he gives himself a 62% pay raise so that he's not tempted to be corrupt. Maybe we should have lawmakers who go into lawmaking because it's their calling. These are the new adventures of Bibleman. This next story is super odd to me. Alabama school board makes a super bad decision. This is a story from Americans United. Bizarre, bizarre story.

Bible Man in Jackson County, Alabama, is a guy named Horace Turner who leads monthly assemblies in public schools where he tells biblical stories to elementary school children. Now, these assemblies are voluntary. You don't have to attend them. But they are in the fucking public school. And they're sponsored by the public school. And they've been told time and time again like you can't do this here's a list of legal reasons why this is a terrible

thing for you to be doing and they're just basically saying yeah but bible man like whirling bibles like shuriken from his utility belt. What kind of crime does he fight? He's got to fight atheist man. I think that there's got to be, you know, or maybe like geometry man. I don't know, like something thinking man maybe. I don't know who you'd fight. I would put my money on atheist man.

Atheist man. Got to have a big A on your chest, I think. What about does he fight? If it's Bible man, so it's a book, right? You're talking about a book. Then he's got to fight Koran man. Right. Yeah.

Right. Or Torah man. Torah man. I want to see all three of them go to battle. Yeah, that'd be a good – that'd be like a tag team. Man. What does Koran man look like? We're not allowed to draw him.

I know that. I know that if we draw him, we'll be bombed immediately. Well, you're not allowed to – when he punches people, you can't show those explosions either because that's, you know, that's culturally insensitive. Right. So you can't do that. What a dumb idea. You know, like this is really stupid. And this is indoctrination in the public sphere, which shouldn't be done.

It just shouldn't be done. Because if I was a parent, I'm not a parent, but if I was and I had my child in the school, I'd be like, motherfucker, get your fucking Bible man out of that school or invite me to become atheist man. And I will come in and tell them I'll be, you know, I'll be a fucking Bertrand Russell man. Right. You know. To the elementary school children. That would be awesome, wouldn't it? They'd be like, I don't understand what he's saying.

This language is way above my head. But then again, so is the bible like the bible you can't read the bible to elementary school so you can paraphrase the bible and you can cut and you know you can pick and choose the parts of the bible that are not full of degradation and violence and rape and genocide so So like the whole Old Testament is kind of out. And really fucking Noah's Ark seems like a fucking kid's story anyway. It does seem like a kid's story because it's less believable than most of the cartoons I watch with my five-year-old. There's another great podcast that you and I have both been listening to called Thomas

and the Bible. Yeah. And it's where this guy, Thomas, reads the Bible. And that's the whole shtick. He just reads the Bible and he busts out laughing half the time. He's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me and then, you know, he'll paraphrase it briefly and then just start laughing about it. He's a very clever guy, very funny guy.

He's actually going to be a guest of the show, we hope. He is. Yeah, we've contacted him and he's got evidently nothing better to do. So he's going to be on the show. But, you know, he he does a great job of exposing by reading it. Sure. All he's got to do is read it aloud. Genesis is the most ridiculous thing I've ever listened to in my life. Genesis is so silly. So what's Bible man doing in these assemblies? What is he doing other than

violating basic separation of church and state? And he's got to be, like you said, paraphrasing it. Because if he read it out loud, I think even a small child would be like, that sounds fucking dumb. They would have to. They would have to. I would think, honestly, that if you read the Bible out loud to most Christians, many of them would be offended by the things they found in it. It's an offensive book. Yeah. You know, I think that they would be taken aback

by what's actually in that text. I really think that. I would strongly, strongly suggest that most of the people that I know that have self-identified themselves as Christians have never read the Bible and would be appalled to discover what's in it. So we're going to pause here and take a quick break, give you an opportunity to find us on Facebook, locate us on Twitter, send us your emails, and send us phone calls.

Remember, anyone who leaves a message on our Google Voice, we will mock your message in person on the show. So we'll go ahead and give you that information now and come back to ruin the rest of the show after the break. You can email these assholes at dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. For more information on this or any other episode, visit the Cognitive Dissonance website, dissonancepod.com. Like our show on Facebook to join in the conversation. Just search for Cognitive Dissonance on Facebook or go to our website for the link. You can converse with us on Twitter. Our Twitter handle is at dissonance underscore pod.

Help us out by retweeting and reposting our shows. You can call us and leave us a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Long distance rates apply. Your help is fucking greatly appreciated. This next story is from Reuters. Toddlers subjected to palm reading assessments in China. That's an awesome story.

I thought it was difficult to get your kid into a good preschool here in the States. Oh, yeah. But, you know, evidently in China, it comes down to palm reading to figure out your child's aptitude. The selection process is very rigorous over there. Basically, look at your palm. You work for Foxconn. You work for Foxconn. You work for Foxconn.

We have small hands. You get to clean the mirrors. You'll be polishing iPods. You'll be polishing iPods. You'll be polishing ipods you'll be polishing exactly you'll be polishing ipods no kidding um but they're charging their parents 190 american 1200 yuan i don't know if i'm pronouncing that right for a palm reading test that they claim can predict their child's intelligence and potential i'm guessing that if you got your palm read as a way to predict your child's intelligence, that just from a sheer genetic lottery standpoint.

And by, you know, being around them. Right. Your child's not going to score very high. On this test. Fucking palm reading? Really? I had no idea that palm reading was still a thing. I thought that was like a side of the road sort of like driving by novelty psychic sort of American bullshit.

Palm reading. Hey, how smart is my kid? I don't know. We could ask him a series of questions specifically designed to assess his intelligence. Or we could see how his fucking hand is shaped. Oh, you have a large wealth line and here's the pool. This is again one of those things like – it's as dumb as astrology, right? Where it's just like your palms have no bearing on how, you

know, how you live your life other than maybe self-pleasure and the stars have no bearing on how you live your life. Right. How is palm reading supposed to work? I don't know. I mean, there's lines in your palm that are different from other people's lines and they just make shit up. They just look at it and make it up like nonsense you have a long fucking made-up line and here's the makeup thing i'm gonna make up these people who read self-help books why do so many people need help life is not that complicated you get up you go to work eat three meals you take one good shit and you go back to bed. What's the fucking mystery?

And the part I really don't understand, if you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? That's not self-help. That's help. There's no such thing as self-help. If you did it yourself, you didn't need help. You did it yourself. Try to pay attention to the language we've all agreed on. So this next story is from the Times columnist.

So odd. So fucking odd. In Quebec, I don't even know how to start this story. So some guy claiming to be a biblical guru, which I love that whole idea of a biblical guru. Some guy claiming to be a biblical guru basically was having these self-help clinics in Quebec. They self-helped themselves right into the fucking grave.

Because part of the process is to basically wrap yourself up in fucking bundles of stuff and then cook yourself to death. That is the self-help. They say they use the word cooked here

and it's not really cooking. It's just, you know, they're just overheating themselves because they're not giving their body a chance to cool down. I don't know that they're saying cooked to me has a different implication. Like they're actually cooking part of themselves so that they could be consumed later. But the only thing that's going to consume them is a grave at this point.

It sounds like they were making pigs in a blanket from what they – It really does. They covered them in mud, wrapped them in plastic, very breathable plastic, put them under blankets and immobilized their heads in cardboard boxes for nine hours with instructions to hyperventilate. Yeah, if you don't pass out after three minutes. Honestly, nine hours. At four hours into this, you're not thinking, really?

What? I've been hyperventilating now in a cardboard box wrapped up in mud and plastic. How do you survive four hours into it anyway? I don't have any idea. Nine. I'd want to die just from Borkham. I couldn't do anything for nine hours. Yeah, I'd try to sleep,

but you wouldn't be able to sleep because you'd be burning up. Then you're supposed to be hyperventilating with your head in a box. Your head's in a cardboard box. Presumably, you're hyperventilating in there. Your access to fresh oxygen is limited. It just it would be so fucking uncomfortable immediately. How does this even help anything?

Like, like, that's like it's like somebody convincing someone to, like, stab themselves in the chest. And he's just like, you know what? We'll fucking make you. It's like a moment of clarity. The moment the knife plunges into your chest is like a moment of clarity. Here's a wonderful knife. Go stab yourself in the chest. Nobody would do that.

But somehow people get convinced to do something like this. This seems just as crazy to me. It seems just as insane. You're like, you know what? We're going to cut off all the pores in ways in which your body cools itself down. We're going to fucking, you know, they have the old saying, one foot in the grave. Well, we're going to dig part of pores in ways in which your body cools itself down we're gonna fucking you know they have the old saying one foot in the grave well we're gonna dig part of your grave stuff you in the ground put a box over your head and then take away all the oxygen by making you breathe really fast i i just and this is a personal development what what person what part

of yourself is developed survival right we finish this up and you're like, oh, I'm such a better person. Yeah, exactly. I have many less brain cells. Yeah, no kidding, right? What a bad idea. And, you know, this has got to be on the Darwin Awards eventually. You know what I mean? Because you self-selected yourself out here.

I just hope. Now, they haven't said whether or not charges have been filed. I hope charges get filed. There's no way that a responsible prosecutor can look at this and say, well, you know, he didn't know this was going to happen. He figured that you could wrap somebody in mud and plastic and blankets, stick their head in a box and tell them to hyperventilate for nine hours. And that all plus Cecil, I have to know how do you as a as a as a guru of bullshit, how do you come up with this method? So let's say you and I, Cecil, are going to sit down and develop a method for a personal development seminar, and we want there to be some physical transcendent aspect to it, right? And we could go with the traditional stuff, like, oh, you can lay on this bed of nails, or you could walk across coals.

And we know that that works because the physics are very well understood about how those things work. Or we could wrap you up in mud and plastic and stick your head in a box. How do you even arrive at the head in a box part? How are you wrapping somebody in mud and plastic and thinking almost there? We are – Cecil, we are almost there. They're head in a box. Put their head in a box. Head in a box.

I want – you know, and this is – I guess I have to go back on what I said before. Another reason why I guess you don't have to be that smart to be a con, right? Because you didn't think this through. You didn't think your con part through when you told people to do all this stuff. Well, you got the money up front, so. Yeah, well, you got the money up front, but you fucking ain't going to spend it if you go to jail. That's true. You know, and much better to be fucking Tony Robbins, I think, where everybody leaves alive. Right. Wouldn't it be better to be like, yeah. Because then you get a return customer. We're going

to go on a long, arduous jog. Well, you're just going to sit in a conference room and I'm going to tell you everything's going to be OK. Least strenuous fucking pep talk ever. I'm in this race because I care about Americans. I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I'll fix it. This story is from Yahoo News. Romney really.

Perfect place for it. He is a fucking Yahoo. Fucking perfect place for it. Romney is really Perfect place for it. He is a fucking Yahoo. Fucking perfect place for it. Romney is really showing his compassion lately. In his latest comments, he says he's not very concerned about the very poor. Sure. Because they have safety nets in place. Right.

Which he did say, to his credit, he said, you know, if we have to strengthen those safety nets, he'll look at that. He'll do it if he has to. Yeah. But he said he's not concerned about basically 5% of the population. Right. Romney, you so grossly fucking mis-underestimate. I know. Well, first off, Tom, what he says, I'm going to quote here.

He says, I'm not concerned. This is something you've already said, but I'm going to quote him. He says, I'm not concerned about the very poor, he said Wednesday. I'm reading directly from the article. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I'll fix it. I'm not concerned about the very rich. They're doing just fine.

I'm concerned about the very heart of America, the 90 to 95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling. And I just want to point out 90 to 95 percent. 90 has got to be more like it because we have, what, 10 percent unemployment. So even those people are struggling. Right. Those are the people that are struggling right now straight away. Plus, you could add on the working poor, which is a huge contingent of people. Doesn't this imply that the very poor are not struggling? The very poor. I mean, besides besides misrepresenting the figure he's also implying that it's fucking awesome to be poor it's as awesome to be poor as it is to be super rich

because he says those are the two groups are not worried about they are taken care of the super rich are super rich right i mean we don't have to worry about this and i'll agree with that i'm not worried about the super rich people who can, you know, casually purchase a yacht, for example. Sure. I am unconcerned. They're not they're not part of my daily set of things that I'm thinking, you know, this country would be better if the super rich were super, super rich. That's never going to cross my fucking mind. But the very poor, they're very poor. The idea that he's putting them in the same bracket is dumb on its face. But I just think his math is off. And even if, Tom, you said earlier, even if his math isn't off, he's not concerned with a very large number of Americans.

You're going to be the president of the United States. You're not concerned about 5% of the country? It's millions of Americans. You're going to be the president of the United States. You're not concerned about 5% of the country. It's millions of people. There's 370 million people in America. 5% of that is, let me do the math, a lot. It's a lot of people. Carry the one. Is it still a lot?

Yeah, hold on. It's still a lot of people. It's millions of people. It's not like I'm unconcerned about a small, insignificant subset of America. 10 percent. You said 10 percent of Americans or thereabouts right now are fucking unemployed. Yeah. Well, just I'm just, you know, I'm not concerned about that.

Well, you're not concerned about that because you're so fucking rich. Yeah, you're you're as rich as rich can get. You're you're ultra rich. He doesn't he has no idea what it's like to be a struggling person. This is, I think, one of the reasons why we mess up in this country by getting the ultra wealthy into office. I think that it's a bad idea. I think if you had somebody who had a background wherein they did get assistance where they were fucking they were living you know hand to mouth check to check all those bad things that you know poor people in this country have to do without health insurance all those things you would have a much more compassionate person in there you just it would just by necessity have to be compassionate because you'd think fuck it sucked when that was me right right hey remember that time i was worried about

eating food so I couldn't eat food? I don't want that to happen to other people because I didn't like it when it happened to me. I mean, you know, in this argument that like, well, there's safety nets in place, the safety nets suck. The safety nets that are in place, they're patches, man. It's, it's, they're patches in place. Yeah. You can beg for a free coat from your church. You can get some governmental assistance for healthcare. Or you could go to the fucking

emergency room when your leg falls off and they'll stitch it up for you. I'm not saying there's no safety nets in place. There are safety nets in place and they will keep you mostly alive. But you're not going to have any kind of quality of life, access to education, quality education, access to transportation, access to good jobs and resources. In the name of Jesus, we speak that. So this next story is from the BBC.

This is a story out of the UK. The Advertising Standards Authority said it concluded that the advertisements by healing on the streets was misleading. They had advertisements. This Christian group had advertisements. Cecil had said, need healing? God can help today. Okay. Not so bad.

But the leaflet said, God can help today. Do you suffer from back pain, arthritis, MS, addictions, ulcers, depression, allergies, fibromyalgia, asthma, paralysis, crippling disease, phobias, sleeping disorders, or any other sickness? We'd love to pray for your healing right now. We're Christians from churches in Bath, and we pray in the name of Jesus. We believe that God loves you and can heal you from any sickness. God loves you so much

you still got sick. If he's God, doesn't he know I'm sick already? No. Why do you have to tell him? I missed that memo. You have to have other people pray for you. You don't know how it works. Please speak on my behalf to God,

Tom. Could you could you give me a do me just do me a solid. Can you just ring God up for me and let him know that I'm not feeling well. I stubbed my toe yesterday. It's kind of been achy all day. I'm not I'm not just not doing well. I got to walk home and it's a long walk. Could you just ring him up real quick and just be like, is there any way you could take away Cecil's pain? I know he would call you if he could, but he just can't. The thing that people don't realize is that God is like Batman, right? You've got to have a Commissioner Gordon phone.

Sure. The Jesus signal or the Jesus signal. One or the other. Which they put up on trees and in toast. You see it in toast all the time. That's the Jesus signal. That's fantastic. All of a sudden he like shows up

with like this awesome utility belt. He cuts your grilled cheese in half for you. Sick, sick, sick, sick. I don't know. I'm glad they shut these idiots down. God can't help fix any of this stuff.

This is a ridiculous notion. And prayer, you know, again, there's all these studies that show that prayer either doesn't work as a placebo or in some cases actually is worse because God gets mad at you. God gets mad at you. Leave me alone.

Why won't you leave me alone? I'm sleeping, you asshole. Do you know what time it is you motherfuckers pray to me morning noon and night oh man that's ridiculous I love that it lists a whole bunch of maladies though like do you suffer from this yeah I know it's like a chiropractic

ad it'd be awesome if they had side effects for prayer like may cause dumbness side effects for prayer. Like, may cause dumbness. Side effects for prayer may include no actual effects. May cause gullibility. Homophobia. We should do that. We should. We should have a side effects of

prayer. And then you have side effects of prayer. Yeah, it's perfect. Surgeon General's warning on every prayer. Like, every set of rosary beads comes with a Surgeon General's warning. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers! I want the truth! You can't handle the truth! So this story is from NPR.

Obedient Wives Club irks some Muslims in Malaysia. I think this is an interesting story. If for no other reason than the obedient wives and the obedient wives club, basically they want to go back and say, hey, this is what the book says. So this is what we're going to do. And some of the more moderate Muslims are like, wait, wait, wait. I know that's what the book says, but that's still crazy. still crazy. One of the things in here, I want to read directly from it, because they say something here. Hold on a second. It says, the group appears to have toned down its rhetoric since last year when the media quoted members of saying that

wives should satisfy the sexual desires of their husbands like prostitutes. And I can't help but think of that Usher song. He's like, I want a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed. I want a burka in the streets, but a freak in the bed. I want a burka in the streets, but a freak in the bed. The

yeah, it says simple things like how do people kiss? Honestly, the Malays do not know how to kiss, Hartley says. They talk about instructing its members about what it calls Islamic sex. How does that? There's a lot of clothes. There's a lot of about what it calls Islamic sex. How does that –

There's a lot of clothes. There's a lot of clothes involved in the Islamic sex. Islamic sex. Yeah. It's like you got to wrap yourself up in a sheet and she has to wrap herself up in a sheet and then you bounce into one another. With the lights off. I don't – I mean your body will just tell you how to figure this thing out. Like if you've got two willing participants, there's never been a time where two willing participants have been unable to eventually get there.

At some point, the bits start a stirring. You just figure that shit out. I don't understand. I know there was never a point in anyone's life that I know of where they had to be instructed on how to have sex. You have to call the helpline. Right. I remember. This is the help desk.

How can I help you? Yeah. How does it go in? You're like on a date. Things are going very well. You're like, oh, I should have read the manual before leaving the house today. I'm just going to go ahead and yank on this like a snowblower. Where's the choke?

Oh, this isn't working at all. Oh, my gosh. I just can't wait until, like, you know, the hot Malaysian women of, you know, whatever, like the hot housewives of Malaysia, I think is going to be the next show. Of course, you don't get a chance to see anything. It's just a bunch of burkas. Right. Yeah. Girls Gone Wild shows up to Malaysia.

Films nothing. There's not one girl going wild. There's not one girl going wild. So we just want to let everybody know that we were recently on the Angry Atheists podcast. Cecil and I were able to be interviewed by the Angry Atheists by Reap. He's the host. And I think we ruined a perfectly good hour of his show. Absolutely.

Yeah. And if you listen, we'll ruin a perfectly good hour of his show. Absolutely. Yeah, and if you listen, we'll ruin a perfectly good hour of your time. So if you want to check that out and you want to hear more of us yammering unintelligibly about shit we don't know about. I'll tell you, though, he had some really interesting open-ended questions

and we had fun with it. Some of the questions were like, do you think Islam is a religion of peace? That was a great question. Yeah, I think it's fun if you want to hear us talk about stuff that's not topical. We spend most of this show talking about specific stories and if you just want to hear us yammer um you're welcome to take a listen to his show he's a he's

a very good interviewer we had a lot of fun doing the show and we're grateful for the opportunity to appear so um and then uh we did get a couple of posts. One of them, this is great. This is Women for Santorum. This shit, this made me laugh out loud. Yeah, it's very funny. I'm going to post it. I don't want to ruin it. I'm just going to post it to our website.

I think it's on our Facebook now. Somebody had posted it, but I'm not sure. But if you go to our website, it'll be on for this episode. It's actually a very very funny uh funny little skit that somebody put together and it's short it doesn't spend a lot it doesn't waste a lot of your time yes i think 50 seconds if i'm not mistaken but it's it's it's hilarious so thank you very much for posting that it's uh it's very amusing um we also got somebody sent us ghost shop.com this is a link to uh nonsensical bullshit you can buy

to play at Egon if you want to be a Ghostbuster yourself. Remember kids, don't cross the streams at home. It's a bad idea, just in general. It's fine to do outside, just don't do it at home. Digital dowsing is the

it's actually Ghostshop.com but the title of the the uh the website is digital dowsing and uh they sell just just garbage it's just junk it's just just utter nonsense for fools so if you want to go on there and and have yourself a good laugh and take a look at the junk that they're selling it's i laughed out loud at work looking at some of this garbage and the claims that they make for it. It's awesome. This reminds me of that guy who would shove electrodes into bars of soap and sell them. I remember that guy.

That guy was awesome. The shaman master. Totalpowerwhatever.com or something. The Oregon Energy Generators and things. Yeah, Oregon Energy Generator. It's like Total Ultimate Power or something was the name of it or something like that. That thing was fucking fantastic. Here's what I fucked with that guy once.

We sent him an email. I sent him an email telling him I wanted to become a shaman master. What products did he recommend? It wasn't one of our more proud moments. Let's just get that out of the way. No, but it was a funny moment. It was a funny moment. It was not mature.

Yeah, but it wasn't – it's not anything – yeah. And you've come to expect such a level of maturity from this program and the hosts involved. So we had Reap on last time we mentioned, but we're also in the works right now to have Mike from Skeptics with a K on later this month. We're also looking to have on next month Dumbass from Dumbass Guide to Knowledge and the Dumbass podcast and Invisible Sky Monster Podcast. He does a lot of different skeptical work. We're hoping to have Dumbass on. We're also looking to have Thomas from Thomas and the Bible on in the future, although we haven't hammered anything out with him yet. We're planning on having him on. Again, we're thinking probably next month or late this month. So we got some interviews coming up if you're more interested in that sort of stuff that

we do. And we got Thomas to say yes, but we have not yet gotten word from the Bible. The Bible has not. We're not sure if the Bible is going to come out. They've been unresponsive so far. We got some great tweets and some great conversation back and forth with a bunch of different people. At Skeptomite says, I am thinking of setting up a local dairy council and issuing the statement we support the views

and opinions of cognitive dissonance I love that tweet I loved that tweet I laughed we always get Katie speak on Twitter always almost always sends us something every episode great tweet from her last time she says proof that feminism is a two gender issue

well done gentlemen thanks Katie thanks for listening and then the last one we're going to read Great tweet from her last time. She says, proof that feminism is a two-gender issue. Well done, gentlemen. Thanks, Katie. Thanks for listening. And then the last one we're going to read, at BLZamon. I don't know if I'm saying that right, but that's what it says. Okay, two great podcasts, one from the USA and one from the UK, Cognitive Dissonance and Skeptics with a K. I got to say, every time compared to Skeptics and the K, hell, use this in the same sentence where you say skeptics with a K is good and cognitive dissonance is bad and I'm happy. I'm happy if it's just skeptics with a K.

Also, you should not listen to cognitive dissonance. Phenomenal. Yeah, I love that shit. It's the association. I'll take the association in any form. Thank you very much. For the people that help to promote our show, and a lot of you guys do on Twitter and on Facebook and otherwise, we really do appreciate all of the help that you guys have given us. And our show is growing as a result. Yeah, and mostly it's Tom you're talking to on Twitter.

Once in a while I'll jump on and retweet something or like something on Facebook. But for the most part, it's Tom you're talking to, so you can address him correctly. You poor, poor fools. We have a couple of corrections from last episode. Tom, you go first. Yeah, so I horribly butchered Mormon theology on our last episode in favor of a joke. All the Mormons were furious.

None of them. So I will say that I guess if you were annoyed that I didn't have my facts straight regarding Mormonism, I'm sorry. But if I can make a good or a bad joke or I could be accurate, I'm going joke first every time. Yeah, joke first. So you guys did call me out that Mormons don't actually have hell and brimstone and fire and damnation the same way that the traditional Christian theology does. They actually have like a giant cosmic waiting room where you're then asked to convert to Mormonism in the waiting room. Repent.

The hour has had. You would think the moment you get to the waiting room, you're just like, oh, fuck. Right. Who wouldn't convert? The fact of the waiting room is all you would need to convince you. Nobody would have to come and be like, all right, we need to have a talk. But fucking we do not need to have a talk. I died and then I'm here.

I was also wrong with my calculations on the size of this atheist temple in favor of a metric system joke. So so I apologize. In favor of a metric system joke. So I apologize. I said – but the way the article was written, it was making it sound like one centimeter equal to year or something like that. And the way I read it too was like one year – what did one year equal? Because I don't know what a millionth of a centimeter even is. I'm sure there's a number for it or a name for it, like a pico-nano-butzo-meter or something or whatever. But I don't know what it is.

Pico-nano-butzo meter. You know, what the fuck? So I just made a joke, and I got told, well, it's a million – each centimeter equals a million years. Yeah, my math is off, and I don't know the metric system anyway, so I really don't care. But thank you for sending it in. We don't use the metric system. We use the standard. Yeah, three feet in a yard.

You know, how many fucking feet in a fucking meter? You know, what the fuck? Fucking ridiculous. We got an email from Dusty. What's up, you hairy, wet, yak ball suckers? Nice to talk to you too, Dusty. Yeah, so he sent us a link. I'm sorry, but the link does not work.

It doesn't actually take you to a place. But we appreciate being called Harry Wett Yak Ball Suckers. I'll tell you that. Yeah, I'm down with that. So yeah, it's cool. I appreciate it. I mean, that'd be a fucking awesome review on fucking iTunes if somebody said that. Dusty says he's been spreading the word about the show. That's what we need. We need people evangelizing

this show. Knock on doors and ask them if they've heard the good news. Go tell those Mormons to listen to correct us. But thank you very much, Dusty. We do appreciate it. Thanks for listening. We also got an email from Martin. Martin says, Martin had a lot of

things to tell us. He said that he told us, you know, basically a lot of fuck you's. Really, I think if you could condense Martin's message down, it would be just fuck you. so but it was and you know i only know this tom is because it was the subject right but it was it you know i read it as fuck you with love yeah he's he says he's uh he's our number one mexican american fan from from whittier california that's fantastic that's a nice subsect that's fantastic there's you. That's fantastic. Because I wouldn't want him to have to compete with our –

With the legions of other Mexican-American fans from across the country, right? The none of them that I'm aware of. Yeah, that you're aware of. Yeah, but thanks for listening. At the end, he says, fuck you assholes. Well, thanks. Thanks, Martin. We appreciate it.

We appreciate the listen, Martin, and the email. Thank you. Well, thanks. Thanks, Martin. We appreciate it. We appreciate the listen, Martin, and the email. Thank you. Absolutely. We do, yeah. And then we got another email from Dusty. Dusty sent us a book, an image that he took. It says Heaven is for real for kids. I've seen this book.

It's actually on sale, like Barnes & Noble. It's in the bargain bin now. The way that I read that is heaven is for real for kids. Sure. It's not for real for adults. Sure. So it just makes me think of dead kids. It's very sad.

And this boy is standing there like with his arms out like, I'm coming to the light, Lord. I'm coming to the light. Right. It's so sad. Why don't kids just not die? That would be better, right? A little boy's astounding story of his trip to heaven and back. Wow. If only little kids had active imaginations.

If only we didn't cultivate their imaginations to think up weird shit. So as usual, we have come to the end of a show full of dead children going to heaven. Sad, sad show it is. And we will leave you as always with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and

trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative acupunctuating, pressurized stereogram, pyramidal, free energy healing, water downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death

and towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms atlantis dolphins truthers birthers witches wizards vaccine nuts shaman healers evangel evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only.

Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local Dairy Council. Thank you.