Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 336: Toaster Shakins 2016

Episode Date: January 5, 2017

Episode and stories covered in episode: Episode 273: Verb to Noun recorded on January 25, 2016 Women putting herb balls in vagina to 'detox their wombs' have been warned of dangers Episode 277: Thank You Sky! recorded on February 11, 2016 ‘Here am I Lord, use me’: Ted Cruz’s dad says Holy Ghost authorized White House run Episode 285: Never Go Full Alex Jones recorded on March 28, 2016 Alex Jones Will Save Humanity From Satan Episode 291: Ye Olde Crooner recorded on May 1, 2016 Pat Boone: The Government Should Outlaw Blasphemy And Punish Saturday Night Live If It Blasphemes Again Episode 292: Ted Cruz Pulls Out recorded on May 9, 2016 Gordon Klingenschmitt: Gays Will ‘Demand To Have Sex In Your Guest Bedroom’  Episode 296: Victoria Gettman recorded on May 30, 2016 Televangelist Jim Bakker: Buy My Giant Buckets of Mexican Food Because “Things Are Coming” Episode 306: Juggle my Poké Balls recorded on July 18, 2016 Bryan Fischer: ‘It’s Not Okay For Christians To Have Diverse Opinions’ Episode 308: Say Super PAC! recorded on August 1, 2016 Michael Savage: Hillary Clinton ‘Looks Like Stalin’s Housekeeper’ Episode 316: José Can You Sí… recorded on September 19, 2016 KY Gov. Matt Bevin: Election Of Hillary Clinton May Call For Shedding Blood Of ‘Tyrants’ And ‘Patriots’  Episode 320: What Would JT Do? recorded on October 10, 2016 Bryan Fischer: Diversity And Multiculturalism Are God’s Curse Upon America Because We Have Become Utterly Evil Episode 322: Ishmael Brown recorded on October 24, 2016 Ted Cruz Tries To Justify Trump Endorsement To A Furious Glenn Beck Episode 334: Googly Eyes recorded on December 26, 2016  ‘Cum Rags for Congress’: Satanists Protest Texas Abortion Law with Semen Socks  

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. this is our year in review show our 2016 toaster Shaken's episode. We went through all the episodes last year and collected all the clips we thought were the funniest clips we had, and we put them all together in one big mega episode. We hope you enjoy it. So without further ado, here's the first clip. This clip comes from episode 273, Verb to Noun, recorded on January 25th. This story also comes from The Independent. This is a terrific story.

Women putting herb balls in vagina to detox their wounds have been warned of dangers. This is terrific. They're putting herb balls in there. You know, I've tried to put my balls in there. Come on. You know, I try to get two inches in. That's what I'm working on. That's fair.

You know, try to get. They have to be. What woman has to be warned of the dangers of sticking the fucking colonel's fucking secret blend of herbs and spices up their fucking hoo-ha? Right? You're just like, do you see the picture of this thing? Oh, I know. It's a fucking, like, this is a bouquet garnier. That's what that is.

It's a fucking cheesecloth. Exactly. A fucking rosemary. You can make a stock with that. It's like, God, what is going on in here? It's awesome. Yeah. Maybe they're just seduced by the package design of laid plugins.

Laid plugins is great yeah so so evidently there's this there's this company uh embrace pangea is what it's called embrace pangea what does it even mean pangea the time when all the continents were one how am i supposed to embrace that yeah embracebrace, oh man. Earlier, I was rejecting Pangea? What does it even fucking mean, embrace Pangea? Oh man, let's go back to a simpler time. You know, when all the continents were fused and there were dinosaurs. Like, what are you talking about? Embrace Pangea is a fucking stupid name for a company. They're selling herbal womb detox pearls, claiming that the products aid to correct conditions such as endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and thrush.

And I would say that if you have those conditions, sticking fucking rosemary in stage. You have a thrush in your bush? Wait a minute. Wait a second. They go bird watching down there. What's going on? It's womb deodorizer. You got a red belly war go bird watching down there. What's going on? It's womb deodorizer. You got a red belly warbler in that thing.

You can tell it's spring because there's the first robin. It's nice and red, though. It's funny. That Embrace Pangea was one of the companies, but then there was another company, Arm & Hammer, took over for a little while. But for the bigger vaginas, they used fist Arm & Hammer. And that was for the larger sort of girthy vaginas.

Girthy vagina. That's great. What a description. Oh, don't worry, honey. It's just a little girthy. This part is funny, though. It says another package claims to promote vaginal tightening, which it says works by tightening the womb so the vaginal canal will shrink.

That's not tightening anything. That's called an infection. I know, right? I'm not getting up to the womb anyway. Are you kidding me? You gotta work. That's all I'm saying. I feel like you need a written invitation if you're going up that far.

You're like a vampire. You'll only go in any womb you've been invited to. I'm not trying to crawl inside you like a tauntaun. Are you kidding me? I thought they smelled bad on the outside. It's the worst. It's the worst. Well, they did, but then I stuck these fucking herbs and spices in there.

Oh, gosh. It's like, did somebody leave the crotch pot on? What's going on? You make a nice demi-glace that way, that's for sure. It helps lubricate everything. It's got a great mouthfeel. It's like if you add these things to those steamers, like the steamer baskets for the crotch.

Remember we covered those a while ago? Gwyneth Paltrow's like, hey, you should totally steam your vag. It's a fucking rice cooker in there. You're like, press it out. It's a nice flat. You're like, wow. You used to have kind of big lips, and now it's completely pressed up. It's like I sent you to the cleaners. The whole thing's like silly putty.

I can reshape it any way I want. I feel like a seven-year-old girl. I feel like a Muslim. Oh, shit. This clip comes from episode 277. Thank you, Sky. Recorded on February 11th. I love this fucking guy.

I love Ted Cruz's dad. He's fucking amazing. We haven't had Ted Cruz in a while. Lucy, I'm home! Ted Cruz's 900-year-old father has not been on the show in a long time It's from the Raw story Here I am Lord, use me like the dirty tissue I am Oh Jesus Christ

Ted Cruz's dad says the Holy Ghost authorized the White House run So we should just listen to this shit Alright here we go I would assume, you correct me, that you and your family, and especially Ted, have been called to run for president. How do you pray for him? Well, I'll tell you. The decision to run for president of... I can't listen to this guy. Wait, I tell you. I tell you, Zamdina. I tell you about it. It was a long,

long decision. What I did is I wished real hard toward the sky. The sky says, yeah, go ahead. Oh, God. Thank you, sky. Schizophrenia is a hell of a disease, man. That's amazing. guy. Schizophrenia is a hell of a disease, man. That guy's amazing. Ted and his wife and family, they spend six months in prayer, just

seeking the will of God as to what to do. Look, I'm not going to tell them right away. They got to want it. They spent six months in prayer? I don't even know what that means. Did they do no other work? They were just like, wait, Ted, you want to go out fucking boating? Hey, Ted.

Fuck you, man. I'm praying to see if I can be president. Ted, do you want to vote in Congress? Hey, do you want to go to work? I am talking to Jesus. And that culminated one time that the whole family was together. one time that the whole family was together. And even his senior staff, we were attending a church service all together at First Baptist Church of Houston, where he's a member.

I'm sorry, his accent's hilarious. Hey, guys, should my son run for president? I'll be here for six months. His accent is hilarious. You just tell me sometime around June, okay? June or July. You got that, Lucy? And after church, we went up to the pastor's office.

We spent two hours on our knees seeking God's will. That sounds fucking hot. That pastor, he just loves oral. He's just a huge fan. Two hours? Two hours? That's a long time and not popping. Dude, I'll tell you what.

You know what I mean? My goodness. Two hours without a break? Somebody's fucking sore. Man. I mean, that's the day you wake up. You're like, fucking what the fuck happened today that's a goddamn pr no you gotta you gotta suck on it don't just hold it in your mouth that's not you got some work to do work to do you'll have to put

it in and out of your mouth hey you just keep your head there i I'll fuck your head. It's fine. About this decision. And it was there where Heidi said a word that, you know, I believe it was just inspiration from God. And she said, seek God's face, not God's hand. Because a blowie is better than a handy. Is that why? Tell you what. I mean, I agree. I agree, too. I mean, I agree. I agree, too. I mean, the handy is the consolation prize of sex acts.

It's just like, if it'll get you out of the car. Fine. Grease is the word. Oh, seek God's face. Yeah. Not God's hand. And that's what tells you to run for president. And they're like, oh, well, then I'm going to run for president.

Because. And his wife had the vision. Like, he didn't even have the. Well, he saw her face. And then he came in her hand. It's like, I don't know. Oh, it's the Eminem logo. It's like blelts in your mouth, not in your hand.

That's what it is. And that was just as if there was a presence of the Holy Spirit in the room and that, you know, we all were at awe and Ted, just all that came out of his mouth, he said

he said, hear my Lord. All that came out of his mouth was hear my Lord.mi lord my lord whoa whoa hey hey that's a lot of information why don't you just put it back in my face it's lord not in my hand use me here my lord i surrender to whatever your will for my life is and it was at that time that uh he felt the peace. He what? He felt his peace.

He was feeling his peace, Tom. Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah. I literally didn't know what he said. I thought he said he feel the peace. And I'm like, what the fuck is he? What does that even mean? He feel the peace.

Okay. He felt the peace. Running down his leg. He felt the peas running down his leg. And he knew he had to get a tissue before he could waddle through the bathroom. About running for president of the United States. I love that guy. That guy's amazing.

I don't mean to just make fun of a man's accent. Thank you, God. You know, we were talking earlier about the show about punching up and punching down. Making fun of that guy's accent is punching down. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. That shit is awesome. I can't understand anything he says.

It's delightful. I'll tell you what. I would hire that guy to do yard work. That's so racist. That's so racist. That's so racist. Well, the thing is thing is is like before you are a racist it was before they the guy the guy they wound up picking him up at home depot to do this interview he's standing outside the real Ted Cruz was too expensive it's like we could get we could get like

seven standing Ted Cruz's For the price of one real None of this can go in the show you realize that right Oh it's funny though Oh it's fucking funny Hey guys Use me lord come on Hey Hey lord come in my hand

And then on my sombrero. Badges? We don't need no stinking badges. Badges? We don't need no stinking badges. Oh, my God. It's like fucking interviewing Cheech and Chalk about... Oh, God.

That could never go on the show. I know. But it's amazing. Oh, God. That could never go on the show. I know. But it's amazing. Oh, God. Best thing about this podcast is you're just as terrible a person as I am. This clip comes from episode 285, Never Go Full Alex Jones, recorded on March 28th. And the churches aren't going to tell you. It is an alien force, not of this world. Whoa. We're aliens. Jones. Recorded on March 28th. I seriously, I don't think he's seriously talking about aliens. I don't think he's talking about aliens. Okay. Maybe.

Oh, Jesus. If he's talking about aliens. He might be talking about aliens. Oh, my God. I don't know. That's crazier than demons. I guess that's true. I actually am not sure which is, like, demons. I guess you're right.

Yeah, that's no crazier. That's no crazier. Yeah, this is no crazier. Attacking humanity, like the bible and every other ancient text says and you can read the bible it's hiding in plain view folks it's not of this world i don't know exactly what it is or what it's doing but this is not human intelligence okay well i would agree with you there you are not humanly intelligent this guy is fucking amazeballs i can't i so hard. This guy is amazing. I cannot.

There it is, guys. Fucking there it is. Aliens. Fucking what a crazy person. I can't do it. No, we have to do another minute of this. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, there's a whole more minute.

It's not human intelligence. One more time. One more time. One more time. I can't do it again. You know what? You should come over and just see him flip. You got to see him flip, dude. This is fucking outstanding. Oh, Jesus.

It's fucking amazing. All right. We got to share a mic here. We're going to share a mic. Here we go, Tom. Oh, my God. All right. I got to make it big. I think we're going to make it big. Hey, we're not going to make it that close. All right. There we go. Friends a long time. Here we go.

But this is not human intelligence, OK? It's not human intelligence. I'm so mad. He's so mad. You mad, bro? Hold on. Hold on. There's one more in us. We got one more. I'm here.

Human intelligence, okay? It's not human intelligence! I'm so mad. This could be the best thing we've ever seen He just fucking lost his fucking mind Okay, so do yourself a favor Oh god And go to our website and fucking view this This is about two minutes in

Actually, I would say it around You want to try to be like around 156 I'm a wreck You want to be at around 156 and start this and watch him flip his shit because it's fucking outstanding. He's so mad. He's like he bounces. He absolutely bounces like he's like a petulant little kid. Like he's not going to McDonald's and he's super mad about it.

This is amazing. This is the best thing we've ever seen. All right. There's more. There's more. There's more. I don't know that I have it. There's more. This is the best thing we've ever seen. All right, there's more. There's more. There's more. I don't know that I have it. There's more.

Let's listen to this one more time, though. Dude, I'm serious. My fucking face is falling off. Exactly what it is or what it's doing, but this is not human intelligence, okay? It's not human intelligence! We're facing! I refuse to fight with everybody! All the stupid racist white people, the stupid racist black people, all the stupid racist Mexicans, all of you.

I can't stand you. You're idiots. We're under attack. Everybody's under attack. By aliens. Jesus, calm the fuck down, man. Drink your milk and go lay down for a little while. He's like the only one who watched Independence Day as a documentary, right? The elite hate Trump. Let me tell you. If he is a psyop, he's the most sophisticated one who watched Independence Day as a documentary, right? The elite hate Trump.

Let me tell you, if he is a psyop, he's the most sophisticated one I ever saw. And even if he is, he's a revelation of the awakening. They're having to pull this trick to try to divert us. What? I don't know what a psyop is. I seriously have no idea. Psychological operations? What?

Yeah, it's like if you're in the military. I thought it was a fucking superhero on the X-Men fucking no idea is he the guy with the fucking eyes that can shoot people that's psyop right fucking a psyop that's amazing doesn't matter it's part of the awakening humanity has got to get off world yeah he's talking about aliens, bro. Yeah. Yep. We got a fucking piece out of this bitch. I'm going to pass out. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm going to pass out. The room is going black. Holy shit. Are you kidding me? That's because you're about to be beamed out of the mothership. Good fucking Lord. Oh, this guy's fucking the best thing I've ever heard.

He's amazing. We need access to life extension technologies. Talk about discrimination. Forget skin color. I want the advanced life extension. You're going to need it, dude, because you're clearly having a heart attack right now. This clip comes from episode 291. Ye olde crooner.

Recorded on May 1st. This story comes from Right Wing Watch. Big shocker, right? Pat Boone. Hey, remember Pat Boone's still a thing. The government should outlaw blasphemy and punish Saturday Night Live. You guys with your jokes. All right.

It's all my feelings. Pat Boone singer. Here we go. Oh, it's my jam. Oh my God. This is the song. This is the song that was playing when Grandpa put his fingers in Nana.

That's before her pussy looked like a week old ham sandwich though. Oh my God. Smell like a week old ham sandwich. Oh my God, I want to die. It's like one of those Brillo pads that you wash so much that it sort of...

I don't want to live here anymore. It's like falling apart. It's like partially brown from the rust. That's your grandma doing it. No. The best part about it is all my grandmas were dead. So I can talk about them like this. It's amazing.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Here's Pad Poon. She was a sweet lady. She was. She was. But she used to be a whore. She was until your grandpa pounded that pussy flat I made a veal scallop

It all smells like capers. It's like when they take the Chicago because the fucking ground is so weak. They have to drive those pile hunts into the ground. What the fuck do they call it? That's your grandma. Dude, that's your grandma? That's your grandma. Dude, that's your grandma. That's your grandma. I don't know what...

She made me cookies. Oh, God. There's nothing like grandma pussy. You know what I mean? There's nothing like talking about grandma's pussy. Oh god i don't oh god that's funny one leg oh man she only has to get one binder i'll tell you all right so here's Pat Boone. There is a vitriol.

There is a, I would say, almost a hatred of people who dare to take the old-fashioned truisms, the old traditional stands about moral right and wrong. They want to absolutely, they just, they do not want any kind of restriction on what they might do. Would you legislate restriction? Would you make sure that they were not

able to do it legally? There have been restrictions. Of course, as you know, I mean, the movie, there used to be a censor board in the movies that declared what

should be appropriate for family audiences and not. Then they went to a rating system. That's not legislation, though. That's not legislation. No, that's an industry regulating itself, right? Right. Just like meatpacking plants or whatever, they put the USDA thing on there.

Which is, in a way, a regulation. Right. What would you do for TV? Should there be a system or should there be legislation that says you can't do that on television? You can't do that on television. Wasn't that a Nickelodeon show? We already, there's so many things you already can't do on television. Where you say, I don't know, and they pour green gloop on your head.

Yeah. Right, exactly. There's a million things you can't do on television already. There's already, you know, the thing is is like, why do we want to make this stricter again? I understand, you know, there's some people out there who don't want their kids watching blasphemy, let's say. Sure, but that's called parenting, right? There's plenty of shit that I don't want my kids to see on TV.

And now, you know, what I do is I just am like, hey, guys, you know, you're fucking five. Let's not watch Law and Order SVU, right? Like, you're not like, oh, this story is about fucking child rape. You know, we'll watch that when you're in bed. It's OK. Yeah. But, you know, like like that's it. That's called parenting.

You just parent your way through that shit. You know, just like, well, the government says my kids should be able to watch anything on TV. Really? It's just like you said. I mean, you know, look, if you don't want your kids watching it, then parent better. If you don't want if you don't want other people watching it, fuck you. If I'm an adult, fuck you, dude. I can watch whatever I want.

If I want to watch a fucking simulated snuff film, I'm an adult. It's on you, right? I'm an adult, right? You know, like, should someone not be able to make some awful, horrible movie? Like, where are we going to draw the line? Do I think that that should be shown on the airwaves?

No, of course not. But, you know, at a certain point, you know, you're an adult, you get to decide what you want to watch. You know, we've talked about this before, but like that, that's, that is part of the job of parenting, right? The job, one of the jobs of parenting is deciding where you draw your lines with things like sex and with things like violence and how you introduce those concepts to your kids. And when you introduce those concepts to your kids, in what way, you know, like if, if the way that you're teaching concepts to your kids and when you introduce those concepts to your kids and what way. You know, like, if the way that you're teaching your kids about sex and violence is through television, then you're fucking parenting terribly.

Like, those are conversations. They're more than one conversation, and they have to be had over the course of a lot of time, and you introduce things somewhat gradually and what have you. If you're just like, well, I don't know, maybe you should do, like, fucking four. Let's watch Robocop together.

Like, well, then you're fucking, you know, I don't know what to tell you. Like you're just, and the same thing if you parent your way through your life with a goddamn television. Yeah. Like if TV Guide is your fucking Bible for parenting, you're fucking a monster. Like you're just going to do an awful job of it. Saturday Night Live is not the worst thing your kid's going to be exposed to. It's 2016. They're going to have a phone.

They're going to have a tablet. They're going to have the internet. If Saturday Night Live is your big concern. Sure. Are you fucking kidding me? phone. They're going to have a tablet. They're going to have the internet. Is Saturday Night Live your big concern? Sure. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, keep them off LiveLeak. Right? Well, I think so.

I think the majority of the American people, and they ought to be the arbiters, not a few people in robes or somewhere. It ought to be the American people who determine what they want coming into their... What, are we going to fucking have like a poll, like a vote on it? who determine what they want coming into their... What, are we going to fucking have like a poll, like a vote on it? Like all of us are going to get together during election day and say to each other, okay, folks, here's what we want to decide is going to be on television. How long's the ballot? I was going to say like, okay, next up for consideration, www.

I mean, are you fucking kidding me? It's an exhausting... This is why we don't do these. That's why we have representatives to do it for certain portions of our... Like like he's saying for like he's going to say the FCC in a few minutes right that's why we have the FCC and they've already made decisions about what's allowable and what's not allowable and there's already been decisions made about what's like prime time what's past prime time you know like what's on cable what's on regular television these decisions have already been made and again it comes down to just fucking parent better.

Do a better job parenting. If you don't want your kids to see it, it's not like, it's like your kids get to see everything that's available. And it's not necessarily parenting either. It's just do a better job of deciding what media you want to consume, period. Sure. If you don't like any of this, you can keep it out of your fucking house. Don't watch it, Pat Boone.

If you really are that fucking obsessed. Pat Boone, it's not are that fucking obsessed. Look, here's the thing, Pat Boone. It's not Matlock, so turn it off. This clip comes from episode 292. Ted Cruz pulls out. Recorded on May 9th. I think Cruz just backed out of the race. Let me see.

I just want to make sure if that's... Impossible. No, I think Ted Cruz just left the race. Right now, that doesn't bode well for the anointed one. Remember when he was anointed by God? Yeah. Because he got down on his knees with Ratty Alcruz, and they all got down together for six months. Oh, yeah, man.

It's six months, man. They prayed, and then God was like, yeah, you should go lay around, man. Hey, Vato. They didn't ask god they asked jesus so he's totally out he's done he's done that's it done done done done wow yeah so it's just it's just the trump man and uh case of stuff i think he actually took the stage and then just turned into a puddle and just went right off the that's it it just leaks actually

actually he took the stage and then he punched his wife elbowed his wife and then forearmed his wife all in two motions he missed his calling for MMA three hits in two motions that guy is so awkward it's like you know he's like he's like he's not sure how he got in this body exactly every time he's walking he's like he's like he's not sure how he got in this body exactly every time he's walking he's like he's like that weird guy from men in black

he's the cockroach guy he's like he's like he's like going to snuggle he's just like let's me snuggle he like lays. He like flops his shoulders. He always grabs his wife way too hard. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying. Not everyone has a gentle touch. What are you going to do? And then him and Fiorina the other day when they're trying to decide whose hand is going to be on top.

They grab hands to sort of of raise them in victory. And as they raise them, Fiorina and him are sort of fighting, thumb wrestling style to decide who is going to be on top. It's really strange. Google that if you get a chance. Like Fiorina and Cruz, there's a bunch of gifs of it. It's just creepy and weird. The best thing I've ever seen is when Cruz punches his his wife i know it's so funny it's so funny he's just trying to give his dad a hug he punches her it's so funny He's just three times in a row. He can't. That guy just can't.

He's the worst. He's so bad at using his body in the world. He's just made out of garbage. He's just such garbage. It's like he's animated garbage. That's exactly it. He's like. I love it so much.

I love it too. Oh, God. It's your face. Her face. She looks so disgusted to be touched by him. It's like... And you know it's true. She's like,

Oh, God. Oh, God. Not his slimy, slimy hand. and you know it's true. She's like, oh God, oh God. That is slimy, slimy hand. Because you know, you know he's cold. Like you know when he hit her, he's cold. He feels like a slick boa. It's like getting fisted by a corpse, you know? You just feel it and you're like, God damn, is this thing dead?

Is this thing I've been fucking dead? Oh my God. Oh God, he's amazing. He is the worst. He's so amazing. So I want to read, this is a website that was sent to us. And I found this this week and this person sent it and I literally could not stop laughing. This is Ted Cruz.

It's a Ted Cruz website. And the website is called TedCruzForHumanPresident.com It's so funny. This was sent to us by Jake. And Jake, thank you so much. Now, at the very top, Tom, the very top, the very top,

it has Ted Cruz's weird face. And it just says 100% human candidate. And then it says, I have been incubated from birth to be your overlord. And then I'm going to read more of it because it's amazing. It says American prosperity in large letters. And then it says, hello, I am Ted Cruz for president. And Ted Cruz is one word and for president is one word.

I have over 42 years. I wish to shut down the space program and destroy all telescopes abruptly without explanation. Now there's another picture. This is a very short website. It's very short. There's only two more sections. It says observing two is the next piece. It says I once observed a child traversing on wheeled shoes.

I will work tirelessly to find out what this technology is called and demand the Earth children turn over its schematics over to me forthwith. That hurts so much. All right. Last piece. Last piece last piece all right all right okay so actually there's two more pieces so this one is update no this is after this is after he lost and there's a picture of him and his wife waving and it says i must return to my hometown of texas to slumber for an amount of time

you would consider reasonable. And then it says, it says, thank you. Thank you. Your support and skull sizes have been documented. And then there's two people. There's two people there's testimonials and here's the two testimonials they have on this website it says here's what people are saying there's a guy it says his name is guy manderson

it says ted cruz is only is only one being and not several. Then finally, we have a guy by the name of First Name, Last Name. I have seen many people and Ted Cruz is one of them. This is the best website. And you know, the best part is you don't even need to go there because I just read it all to you. I just read it all.

It's so funny. I'm sorry. God, he's so funny. I cannot control my body right now. Ted Cruz is so funny. I cannot control my body right now. Ted Cruz is so funny. He's the most ridiculous candidate for president. But he's out now, Tom. He's out. And like you said, all that time they spent on their knees, all that discernment.

I wouldn't call it wasted. All that discernment, all that time that hillbilly God spent rubbing him and anointing him with oil is gone. Lubed him up for nothing. Totally gone. You lubed him up for nothing. This clip comes from episode 296, Victoria Getman, recorded on May 30th. Speaking of Bachelor of Cooking, let's talk about this other story, Tom, because he came out with Mexican food. He nailed it. This is so bad so this is so

bad and so this is jim baker this is amazing asking you to buy his mexican food god we have done the less tweaking as we call it yeah tweaking tweaking what's he fucking is he snorting something or whatever bro tweaking that. That's actually twerking and it does not help when you're making the food. That's fair. On this food than anything we've ever put together. The first few times this food is so good, it passes the official Mexican test. What is that? It can make its own way over the border illegally.

It's made out of real Mexicans. You know what you could deport it after it goes to college here. It passes the Mexican test. It made itself. Exactly. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, that's awesome.

It made itself. It just built itself. It's so hard working. It's self-generated. It passes the official Mexican test. You can spray it on your lawn. It'll cut your grass. This is Mexican food that real live Mexicans approve of. Real live Mexicans.

We haven't been back in a pen and we throw slop at them once in a while. These are genuine Mexicans. Imported straight from Mexico. We're going to deport them a little bit later. But right now, we have them trying our slop. Y'all ever see one of these real-life Mexicans? Holy shit!

We thought they were a myth! But they love our fiesta bucket. Genuine real-life Mexicans. Genuine. I gotta hear him say that again. I gotta hear him say that again. This is Mexican food that real live Mexicans approve of.

Real live Mexicans. Real live Mexicans. They're like circus animals. No, they were all Mexican puppets made by Geppetto. And not real live Mexicans. Real live Mexicans. He's so racist. That's not racist that's country it's so it's so countryist oh my god you know this is not gringo food

you can serve it with crackers but it ain't for crackers. Oh, God. Up next, Jim Baker's soul food bucket. Oh, God. The Negroes love it. Oh, my gosh. Jim Baker's soul food bucket. Oh, God. Oh, God. The Negroes love it. This soul food bucket will make you say, Mammy.

Say adios to your other buckets. owes to your other budgets. It's so bad. I can't believe it. Did he just say that? Oh, God. Oh, I'm going to laugh. Is that Kringle food?

This is good, good food. And it is unbelievable. But the big thing is, you know, I believe there's going to be some events take place. It may not be the big, big event. I'll tell you what, you eat this, you're going to have a big, big event. You're going to have a huge event. I'm looking at this stuff and it already looks pre-digested. I give a warning every time I'm going to have sex. Like, look, it's not going to be the big, big event.

I always tell somebody I'm not even sure it's an event. Before I go to the bathroom, like, look, I'm going to go have an event. So, I just want We're not, it's kind of an entry-level event. Actually, just leave the apartment. I'll tell you what, I had some of that gringo food, so

The grid going totally down, but I believe Actually, just leave the apartment. Yeah, I'll tell you what. I had some of that gringo food, so. The grid going totally down. But I believe there's going to be major events that's literally going to like a shot across the bow. That's literally going to like a shot across the bow. That's literally, not figuratively, going to like a shot across the bow. Tom, that's deep because that's that's a simile and a metaphor my friend

he's gonna warn us God's been dealing with me nobody wants to deal with you God's been coaching me on my ethnic phrases yeah I'm so unrestful about it because I know things are coming.

This guy is amazing. That is the best. The gringo food or whatever is fucking amazing. Real life Mexicans. Wow, look at him. Ma, Pa, look inside that pen there. There's me real life Mexicans. Ma, can I get a stick and poke it?

Can I scalp one just for fun? You kidding me? What is this, Blood Meridian? Ma, is there any way I could displace this one? This clip comes from episode 306, Juggle My Pokeballs, recorded on July 18th. This is Brian Fisher. I can't even read the headline to this. I can't even read the headline to this and think that anybody should be taking this guy

seriously. This is Brian Fisher. It's not okay for Christians to have diverse opinions. Let me tell you specifically which singular opinion you should have. You cannot have a diverse opinion. Here's a bulleted list of your opinions. Right? What do I think about this?

It's like being a little kid. It's like, Mom, do I like broccoli? Do I like broccoli, Mom? I was just going to say, do they have to all agree on what color they want to like? Do they all have to say blue? It's all blue. What's my favorite color? I love blue, and I really enjoy the smell of the air after it rains.

I'm really into that ABBA song, Dancing Queen. You know what I mean? Like everybody's got to have the same fucking answer. Do I like this? All right, so this is Brian Fisher. It's not okay for Christians to to have diverse opinions amazing you know talking about this column it's actually kind of a snide column written by this andy walton whom i do not uh know but he says look it's it's fine for christians to be all over the map on sexual ethics well no it's not. I mean, that's exactly what

we read about in Revelation. That's the spirit of Jezebel calls herself a prophetess, claims to speak for God, and seduces people. Super interested. Keep talking. Like Jezebel. I like where you're going with this.

She's scantily clad, I'm right there. If she can get scantily clad, I'm right there. Right. Yeah. If she can get scantily clad, I'm right there. Right. Into sexual immorality. So no, it is not okay for Christians to be all over the map, have diverse opinions. That's what he's talking about.

Not even talking about behavior. Talking about opinions about sexual ethics. No. It's not okay. No. You're not allowed to think that. Duh. Here's the list of things you're allowed to think.

Read the book about that says what you think. So I wonder if they like have a bulleted list and be like, you like missionary position. Really? Can I try the doggy? No, no. Can I just flip her over on her belly once in a while? Is it okay if we do the reverse cowboy or cowgirl? Reverse cowboy is a lot harder.

You had me like, huh. The thing is, the reverse cowboy, it involves tools. The Bible is abundantly clear about sexual ethics. Sex is reserved for marriage. Marriage is a union of one man and one woman. Homosexuality is a sin. Sexual immorality is a sin.

Sexual immorality? What does that even mean? I don't know. I was actually just wondering. That seems like a pretty broad brush. You know what I mean? I think by a lot of these definitions, sexual immorality means anything fun. Can I cum in her hair?

Yes, but you can't like it. And she's not allowed to wash it out for five days. She's got to be outside. She's got to go back. And the worst part is. Get the hair combed. The worst part is that when you spray her down with the fire hose, it's hard to get out. Yeah, I've got to use cold water in the fire hose.

Et cetera. These things are not ambiguous in the scripture. So no, it's not okay to have diverse opinions on those issues. It's not okay to have diverse opinions on life issues. You have my opinions. I will tell, again, I'm Brian Fisher. Well, yeah, I just translated, I just fucking interpreted what your opinion is. I'll tell you.

From the almighty God. Not only is this your opinion, but you like this as your opinion. What? And didn't they have like a bunch of wives and like concubines and shit? The fucking Bible has like people have fucking slave wives and rapey wives. Marrying your rapist. There's all kinds of shit going on that you neglected to tell me about, Brian Fisher. I need to know about the rape clause.

And rape clause is the worst one to get visited by on Christmas, by the way. The very worst one is rape clause. You don't want to know what's in that fucking big sack of heads. It's the worst one. It involves the elves. You know what I mean? The best part is that they got the small fist. You know what I mean?

It's not a big deal to get in and out of there. They don't even have to take their rings off. I don't want to do this anymore. Can we not do this anymore? Then one rapey Christmas Eve. This rape kit came to say. That's terrible. You open it up.

You open up your breast. It's a broken condom. Santa with your DNA. You're in jail tonight. Oh. And then we all blame the victim. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Anymore. I don't want to see this anymore. Rufy the Rapy Reindeer. Rufy. It's Rufy. Where were you? Oh, that's a go. Rufy the Red Light Reindeer. That's perfect.

Rufy the Rapy Reindeer. Is this the fourth time? It's so... I feel violated. Oh, my God. That's amazing. You told that joke against my will. Rufy the rapey ranger is something else. You cannot title this show.

Roofie doesn't know what's going on. I think iTunes would flag it. It would just be all dashes. It would be all dashes. Life begins at conception. Every child in the womb is being knit together by God in the womb. He's knitting. Those are the smallest needles ever.

Sticky, sticky, sticky. Can you imagine? It's like three cells. I better get to work, man. Oh, hand me my real, real small needles. I need the little ones now. No, I need the really, really small ones, Gabriel. Yeah, the ones you can't even see with the naked eye.

That's the ones I need. Yeah, bring my eyeglasses, too. Later on, I'm going to crochet me a dog. I'm going to needle point me an elephant. Psalm 139. Again, there's no place for diverse opinions on whether it's a baby in the womb

because the Bible says it is. Luke 1. Luke warm? What? Maybe it's a baby. They are until they've been out a while. Then they cool right off. This is the longest segment we've ever done. You know what? I have a diverse opinion called cancel this episode.

This clip comes from episode 308. Say Super PAC recorded on August 1st. Instead, they're focusing on a speech given by the newest first lady to appear on this August 1st. Virginal is Jackie O on her wedding night when I was peeking through the window, watching her get deflowered, seeing her hymen break and that spread of blood across the white sheets. Like, what? He's so weird. He's so weird. Is he weird or are you weird? I may be a little weird. And they're frightened because she has trumped all of them. Melania Trump has trumped all of them all at once.

And you know she's so appealing that she's liable to garner a good percentage of Hillary's woman vote. What? Why? Why? Because she's appealing? Because she's appealing. This is going to get so sexist, so hard, so fast.

This is going to get fucking, this is going to get so crazy. Like he is going to head down a fucking misogyny sexism trade that's is going to get so crazy. He is going to head down a fucking misogyny sexism train that's just going to be unstoppable. Absolutely. This is a guy-directed lesbian scene right now. Here we go.

This is what I think women know. This is what lesbians do, right? This is how they do it. What they do is they go after each other until a cock comes in the room. Isn't that how that works? Simply because she's so appealing. Now, regarding Melania's speech, yes, there's some overlap. But that's, of course, not the issue.

You've got mail. This is on his radio show. That's awesome. In the the background you hear the aol you've got mail i haven't heard that since the 90s what is he running this on a cd awesome fucking just so you know they stopped making cheers years ago wow yeah wow that was where everybody knows your name. Hey, guys, night court's on in a half hour. The issue is, you know what the issue is?

It's not that. The issue is that she is so appealing that the Hillary Clinton camp went insane, fearing that Melania has, in fact, captured the attention of the women of America who don't like Hillary very much. Hillary's not attractive. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. So the female voters of America are going to vote for Donald Trump because Donald Trump's wife is more sexually appealing. Sexually appealing. That's what he is saying. Yeah. Out loud with his face. And just and i disagree with that anyway

right you know how people have their their uh what do you call free pass list sure you know you have a free pass list right where you say you're you know skipping another you're like you know if you ever happen to get into a room with brad pitt you can you know i'll forgive you it's no problem i have that same pack of my wife but elizabeth warren is on top of that list like elizabeth warren is on top of that list if it's elizabeth warren and me and she's had her glass of red wine it's all and it's game on it's before matlock uncle cecil's gonna get some okay that's all i'm saying and hey if anybody else else is there, I will tag them in. No problem. I'm there.

I disagree with his assessment. My free pass is Elizabeth Warren. Elizabeth Warren is at the top. The very top. I love you like a brother. You are doing this wrong. I don't know. I think I'm doing it right. I think the best way to put that free pass list together is to be like, well, there's your sister.

Wait, did you say divorce list? Is that what you said? Is that what you said? Yeah. That's awesome. You put that list together like, all right, now there's no judging, right? We're not going to judge here. All right.

It's just like one of those things like if or when. Okay. Yeah. So your friend. Your sister and your niece. Do I use one pass if I beg them both at the same time? Jesus Christ. I can't. You're writing out each other little coupons.

Like when you're like, oh, you're dead. I'll feel a shoe shine or whatever. Here you go, dead. You just come home and you look at your wife. You don't say a word. You just walk in. You reach into your pocket. You pull out one of the free passes.

It's better when you walk into your wife and you just make it rain. Shoot her, shoot her, shoot shoot a shoot a I'll tell you what can you give me a beer you're off the hook for a week but I'm serious Liz Warren's top of the list that's what I'm saying yeah But I'm serious. Elizabeth Warren's top of the list. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. I'd run through that. You'd have to fucking salt the earth where I've been. That's all I'm saying.

Fucking run through that shit. Everybody salts the earth where you've been. She'd learn how flexible she is. That's all I'm saying. Fucking ears. Fucking ankles by your ears, Elizabeth. Ankles by your ears. Dude.

Caliente. All right, let's just... Say super back. Oh, God. Oh, that's fucking amazing. I'm going to give you a contribution. All right, God. Oh, that's fucking amazing. I'm going to give you a contribution. All right, let's listen to Fred Savage. Why? Let's finish up with Fred Savage here.

I'm going to hurt myself. Poor guy, yeah. Let's go back to the wonder years. Here we go. Hillary's unattractive. This is a country that lives on movie stars. Melania's a movie star. Hillary looks like a maid.

She looks like Stalin's housekeeper. This is coming from one of the ugliest human beings. Let that not be lost on you. Yeah, no. This is a fat troll of a man. This is a guy who makes Ron Jeremy look like a 10. Right? You know what I mean?

This is a guy who walks into a hospital and immediately alarms go off and people run to his aid. This is a guy who gets free surgery offers in the mail. This is the kind of guy who orders ice cream through Grubhub. Hey. Once. One time. One time. This clip comes from episode 316,

Jose Can You See? Recorded on September 19th. So this is also from the Values Voter Summit. It was the best thing that happened this week. Dude, I love a good KYGov, though. I gotta admit, I love a good KYGov. Do you think they did that on purpose? I don't know, but I do it on purpose.

And I will say, a little bit of shedding blood never hurt anybody either. Oh, no, I guess it did, actually. Not me. That's just a substitute KY, actually. Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin, election of Hillary Clinton may call for shedding of blood of tyrants and patriots. That's a little hyperbole from what he actually says a little bit, although. But what he says is awful enough. Somebody asked me yesterday, I did an interview and they said, do you think it's possible if Hillary Clinton were to to win the election do you think it's possible

that we'll be able to survive that would we ever be able to recover as a nation no no no no if she wins the election she's just gonna what she's gonna do is just shoot all the nukes at ourselves we're just they're all gonna go straight in the air and then fall straight back down on us just like fucking hillbillies shooting guns in the air what what could possibly happen other than a nuclear war that would we would never survive she's gonna cancel money and then she's going to i don't know i mean she's just gonna like be like okay where do you get smallpox i i don't know that she's just gonna fucking spray vagina juice on everybody. What are they afraid of? What are they afraid of?

That's different than Jamba Juice. Vagina juice is very different. Squirting is just peeing. Squirting is just peeing. I've only gone in there once. Twice. But it was just to make sure I didn't like it. And while there are people who have stood on this stage and said we would not, I would beg to differ.

But I will tell you this. I would beg to differ that we would be okay? He's saying that we will recover. Okay, good. But then he's going to tell us how awful that recovery would be. Yeah, the recovery would be real hard. It'd be like saying, like, Cecil, look, you could get burns over 70% of your body and survive. But it's going to be a living hell.

It's going to be a living hell it's gonna be a living hell so like a trump presidency not that bad okay all right not that bad i do think it would be possible but at what price at what price did somebody just woo in the somebody's like yeah i love what price that's my favorite price i'll take door number two it's's a goat. It's always a goat. Can I spin the wheel, Bob? These fucking hillbillies are thrilled to get the goat. They're just like, yeah, the goat. That dishwasher is 701.

701. I don't know whether to eat it or fuck it. What, the dishwasher? Or in what order? The roots of the tree of liberty are watered by what? Water. Water. Sprinkler system.

The Mexican gardener. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I think that's it. You're actually good. Jose. It's Jose, can you see? Cancel the show. Cancel the show. I don't think it's going to be. I'm still voting for Jose. Can you see? I think we just named this episode. Okay, here we go.

The blood of who? The tyrants, to be sure, but who else? Jose. Poor Jose. I don't like this job. I was going to use Miracle Girl. I put eggshells, he didn't everything. No, man.

Can you pay me in cash, man? Oh, shit. So the blood of who, Tom? The blood of who, he said. I'm still voting Mexican. I'm going to say the blood of Hillary's long dead vagina. Her saved, her jarred menses. Her now defunct vagina.

Defunct. Defunct. What? What happened? The Patriots. Wait, why? The New England Patriots. Like, is Tom Brady out there?

The fuck did I do? Cutting his wrist to feed a tree The tree is fucking evil Fucking the fountain or whatever you know Whose blood will be shed it may be that of those In this room it might be that of our Children and grandchildren I have nine Children Jesus Christ settle down

What are you fucking Irish The most amazing thing about that is somebody fucked him nine times. This clip comes from episode 320. What would JT do? Recorded on October 10th. So this story

is more Brian Fisher. Fucking Brian Fisher. Diversity and multiculturalism. Get your head out of your hands. I can't not do that. Get your head out of your hands. I'm going to play the fucking home version. I can't not massage my eyes in hope that they don't fucking roll right out of my head.

I love it. When I hear some of these. I'm going to read this out. Diversity and multiculturalism. Again, with the eyes and the rubbing. Are God's curse upon America because we have become utterly evil? That's right, Cecil. Diversity is evil.

Diversity. No. Diversity is the curse for being evil. Oh, you're right. It's even worse than that. It is. And diversity is the punishment. Diversity is the curse for being evil. Oh, you're right. It's even worse than that. It is. And diversity is the punishment. Diversity is the punishment we are receiving right now. Don't make me show you other viewpoints.

No. But then I would question myself. This proliferation of languages where people cannot talk to each other. This represents a curse from God. Different languages. Different languages are a curse from God. But they do think that. I know because of the Tower of Babel thing.

The Babels. Yeah, I know. When they babled up. The Babel and the Bibble. They tried to build a fucking rock fucking tower. A rock tower. Tom, a rock tower tom a rock tower wait is that like a rock lobster gonna build a tower up to god give him a hug he'll knock down our tower he's kind of a dick rock tower babble babble babble babble babble babble babble rock tower that story is fucking retarded story is the story isn't the literalists you with i mean

the best thing about biblical literalists is you ought to be like, wait a minute. You know that we have set dinosaurs on fire and blasted ourselves to the moon, right? And we didn't bump into God's ass on the way up there. So you think that somebody is going to build, like they're going to stack that next rock and they're going to look over the cloud and be like, he's over here, guys. It's even worse than that. It's like, what's the foundation for your rock tower? Fucking where do you fucking get? As it gets taller, it needs to become exponentially wider. Rock engineering.

Rock ziggurat. It's fucking not a fucking tower, you twat. At a certain point, it's got to be the size of the United States of America. We don't have mortar yet. We're using mud. Oh, there's a cold front. Guys, you're so stupid. Guys, people are so stupid.

Are they as stupid as singing the B-52s to their story? Because that's pretty stupid. It's real funny, though. Oh, God. God, it's so great. I like that both of us, when we did it, did a little swingy arm dance. It's so funny, too, because nobody can see us doing this. But every time we do a rock tower, we it, did a little swingy arm dance. It's so funny, too, because nobody can see us doing this. But every time we do a rock tower, we have to swing your arms.

You can't just say, you can't just look at your mic and do it. You've got to do a little dance when you do the rock tower. It requires the rock tower. Somebody's got to write a whole song about Babel with that guy doing that. That would be so amazing. I call it Elvis. I call it Elvis. I'm calling on you, bro. Don't leave the building, Mike.

I'm calling on you, boss. We're seven seconds in. I know. We're just fucking. But the Tower of Babel is the most asinine story in the world. And that's why there were other languages. It's like a fucking. It's like an Aesop fable or whatever.

You know what I mean? And then the fox hated the fucking rabbits forever. Sour grapes. What's so awesome is it's such a stupid way to decide whether or not you have fucking other languages. And the worst part is there's fucking human beings walking around that not only think that we stuck everything on a fucking ark and it survived, but there's also people like, yeah, and then they built a rock tower and it fucking fell over. And then suddenly everybody's like, hey, forget about it. This is not a blessing from God. This kind of diversity is not a blessing. This kind of

multiculturalism is not a blessing. It is a curse. But God may allow that because he has to protect us from ourselves. What could that possibly mean? Again, protect us from ourselves with the fucking Babels. I'm telling you, this is what he's talking about. Just go because I can't. I'm going to puke listening to this. Because if we continue to communicate with one another in the same language, Listen to this.

Because if we continue to communicate with one another in the same language, we can concoct plans that will be a menace to everything that is good, everything that is right, everything that is holy. They built a fucking tower, man. They built it. It was a fucking tower. It's not. They didn't build a fucking nuke in your bottom. They didn't build a death ray. They didn't fucking do anything. They didn't build a fucking nuclear bomb. They didn't build a death ray. They didn't fucking do anything. They didn't build a sun-killing nuke.

They built a fucking tower. Newsflash, dickhead, we have towers. Like, we fucking have them. Like, they fucking exist right now. Like, I can fucking go up to the 104th floor, the fucking Willis Tower. It's even called Tower. It's just a fucking name, man. But when you come down the elevator, do you speak a different language?

Depends on what elevator I use. Right? Yeah, I mean, if you have to use a service entrance, you've got to speak Mexican. I mean, that's just how it works. You don't have to use a service elevator. You're white. Oh, shit. You don't have to use the service elevator.

You're white. Oh, shit. This clip comes from episode 322, Ishmael Brown, recorded on October 24th. So, Cecil, I love this story. I love this story because all through the primaries, Glenn Beck completely lost his fucking full mind about trump and about how much he loved cruz yeah oh yeah fucking cruz could have dry fucked his mouth oh i think any moment did yeah i he was i mean he fucking and make him love like sort of quack while he did it you know like he could have easily done it yeah right and the weird thing is is when cruz's balls would be slapping on Glenn Beck's chins. His chins?

Which one does it hit? Does the left one? It hangs a little lower? Because if you look at a profile, they kind of look the same, right? They kind of have sort of the same little dips in the same areas. He's got the right ball on the first chin and the left ball hitting the left. So if there was a silhouette, like they were standing in front of a screen and there was a silhouette, you wouldn't know really which was which. yeah yeah right oh that's true from a profile

view a profile view of ted cruz mouth fucking glenn beck you can't tell who's who so so a man i just want to make sure i understand so a man who has principles who says i I will, I, there are lines I will not cross. Um, it's still a binary choice. So a man who you cannot come on and say, yes, Glenn, he is fit to be president of the United States. I still am encouraged by you to abandon my principles and vote because it's a binary choice. vote because it's a binary choice? You are encouraged. There's kind of that moment where he's like, maybe.

Who booked this interview for me? I'm firing my only staff. You are encouraged by me to do what you believe is right and honorable in principle. Right and honorable in principle. Right and honorable and principal. I hate this, guys. Well, my wife, can you call my wife to come in and change my diaper? I need my diaper changed. And I do not appreciate how you're speaking to me right now.

I'm going to stomp my foot. This is great because, like, Glenn Beck is pacing. Don't make me stop. Because I will do it. I will do it. Stomp my tiny geisha foot Because I will do it. Stop my tiny geisha foot. I will do it. And from my perspective, as I look at the issues, Hillary Clinton is telling us she will do enormous damage to the country. Let's take.

Yeah, Hillary Clinton has said to everyone, hey, guys, just so you know. I'm going to do enormous damage to the country. If you elect me, I'm going to treat this place like they fucking treated the fucking house party on fucking 16 candles there's gonna be a pizza on the fucking record player bouncing around by the time i'm done they're gonna somebody's gonna tp someone's maserati it's gonna be a chinese guy in a fucking tree that falls down and says oh sexy girl it's gonna be just like it just like i'm gonna fucking wreck this thing. That's what she said.

No, instead she's like, yeah, I'm going to kind of basically do what we've been doing, which is not ruin the country. In fact, has changed a lot of things that have happened during the Bush era. And I know, I know that it's a metaphor for, you know, a discussion of policy, but like really we are comparing this to Donald Trump who actually asked the question, when can I use the nuclear bombs? Is that an easy to press button? Right. Is that like any fingers? I don't know. Can I flip that up? Can I use my elbow? Can we get it in lever format? Much better at opening things with my elbow than my little

hands. Let's take the issue of the Supreme Court.'s do that Let's talk about the Supreme Court I said I would never endorse him I've recently endorsed him I'll do whatever I'm told That's what we're arguing about I'll do anything I'm told Anything, write it down, I don't care I don't care

Which as you know is an issue That matters deeply to me I know it matters deeply to you And deeply to many of your listeners. Almost every one of our constitutional rights hangs in the balance. No one can see this. If you watch this, we'll put the link on this episode's show notes, but go and check out this.

Right now, what we have is almost a disembodied ghost of future past, or ghost of Christmas past fucking or ghost of christmas past ted cruz yeah who's who's fucking god and like fucking he's gonna go buy a goose for the screen they have them they have them floating aimlessly around just a floating head and i what's happening is one of these assholes who's filming glenn beck right now has his camera on the sort of zoom in the macro so everything else is slow focused outside of it and he's he's handheld filming I guess the the the image on his twitter page which is tiny and it's also sort of looking across the room so I don't know what I don't know how this it's like a reflection it looks crazy though

it looks weird it looks weird and it kind of looks like his head is bouncing up and down in this weird way. You have to see this video. It's super crazy. And meanwhile, Glenn Beck is pacing the room like a predator. You know, he is like, he's like the fucking polar bear at the zoo that has gone crazy and just makes like, he like wears out the carpet in a formation. In a circle. We have a narrowly divided court with Justice Scalia's passing. Just about every right we cherish is at risk of being lost. What is that? Just all of our rights are at risk of being lost? Just about everyone is.

What does that even mean? Like I'm just not going to have the freedom to assemble anymore? How are you going to motivate people to vote if you don't scare them, Tom? That's a good point. That's a good point. Whether it is the Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, and in the Heller case, which I helped win, that was a 5-4 victory that upheld the individual right to keep and bear arms.

The next president, probably in January, will nominate a justice that will either uphold the individual right to keep and bear arms or attempt to revoke it forever. You and I agree on this 100 yep but this is information that you had in cleveland and and hang on just a second before you respond sure um what we're seeing right now is the backroom scene in a gangster movie yeah right like he's got his own oval office where the guy where where the guy who fucking lost the drugs is now sitting on the couch and the and the gangster boss is walking back for his just walk me through this right exactly you fucking me here we're gonna talk a little bit you just walk me through how the tsa reached up your ass and pulled out fucking

three kilos of cocaine that's my fucking money it's my money you know that's what you're seeing right now you're seeing a back room scene in a fucking in a in a gangster movie there's three guys on laptops sitting at tables and glenn beck is pacing and he's walking. Now walk me through this. Tell me again how I fucking supported you, how I carried your tiny, tiny balls. And I showed everybody how I fucking lied to everybody. I said how magnificent your tiny balls were. Everybody knew I was lying,

but I still did it. And now you fucking abandoned all these principles. We set out. I can see why Glenn is mad. He went out on a limb. No, this is what I love about this clip. What I love about what's happening here is he is going to eat Ted Cruz's tiny pussy ass heart. He is.

Because Ted, God, I changed my mind. Because the whole time Ted Cruz, Glenn Beck was standing up in front of his audience and saying, this is a man of principle. This is an unbending man of iron. He is the only one, right? This is the guy God put in front of us to vote for. And he said that. I mean, yes, right, exactly.

He's like God himself. God, the omniscient and all-powerful. The guy who stops comets from plowing into the planet turned to Glenn Beck and said, Hey, vote for this guy. Right. And now Glenn Beck is like,

Glenn Beck is doing what I feel like I would do. Be like, I'm going to eat my words. Oh yeah. I'm going to eat my words by chewing them through your ass. That's how I'm going to get to my words. I'm going to start at your ass and I'm going to chew at your ass, and I'm going to chew right through you. You have to pay extra for that.

You do. The tip is extraordinary. The monetary one. They don't let you back in that massage parlor twice. You had all of this information. You had this information the day you dropped out of the race and said that Donald Trump is a sociopathic liar. So you had all this information. Have you spent an enormous amount of time with Donald Trump?

Do you have new information that has made you say, oh, my gosh, he's now not a sociopathic liar. He is not the guy that I very eloquently spelled out for over a year. And now suddenly there's a reason to believe him. Well, let me say a couple of things in response, Glenn. First of all, I have had... All right, so again, we've got to explain to the audience at home

what we're looking at. We're looking at Glenn Beck was just walking away from the camera. It was kind of like the end scene in Godfather. Don't ask me about my business. Exactly. He's walking away from the Godfather. He's walking away from the camerafather or he's walking away from uh from from the camera and you see the camera then now pulls focus and drops and we're at about 230

in this video the camera pulls focus and drops and it focuses back on ted cruz's disembodied disembodied twitter head and i love i love too that the picture they have he looks sad he does he always looks sad he's got this fucking droopy dog look the picture they have he looks sad he does he always looks sad he's got this fucking droopy dog look because when he smiles he looks like he's snarling which is so true it's so true he looks like he's does he really he does whenever he smiles he looks like he's gonna take someone's hand off or he looks like grandpa from the monsters and you can't have somebody who's a who's looks like who's that villainous who looks like grandpa from the Munsters. And you can't have somebody who looks like Grandpa from the Munsters.

You can't do that. Many significant disagreements with Donald Trump. And as you noted, I have not been shy to articulate those at considerable length. So I agree. In a nutshell, I agree with the first. I'm just saying. I agree.

I've said mean duty head things about the guy I now love. I gave him a clinical psychological diagnosis. That was probably a little hasty. Not being qualified. And also not having my balls descend from my body. And having to go back and eat this shit-covered word. Well, you see, Glenn, when you took your mouth off my cock, I had to put mine around Trump's lung.

They do call themselves centipedes. I don't intend to do so at this point. The primary is over. The primary was already over, and you had an opportunity to fucking endorse him on stage and you didn't do it. Right. And you got booed off of it. Right. Like you've already

been booed off stage by all the people that are supposed to love you. All your peers. Yeah. All your peers you took. That's the thing. And Glenn Beck, I hope he fucking eats his heart on this too because Glenn Beck said just a moment ago in the question, you knew this when you dropped out of the race. When dropped out of the race the primary was fucking decided you were the only other guy in the primary against him exactly that's it and then you decided i'm

not gonna endorse this guy and you went to the fucking rnc and you said i'm fucking not gonna endorse this guy vote your heart vote your conscience you expressly didn't endorse that guy and like you said he got fucking booed off that thing. Now, all of a sudden, he's fucking turncoat and turntail on his principles. And Glenn Beck's going to hurt him. That thing is like what I don't understand is what happened between now and then. Like, I'm just as curious as Glenn Beck as to what happened. Right. What I think happened is he's probably got talked to by the Republican high up somewhere.

Someone who, you know, is handling the funds that the Republican party must get and say, look, you've got to endorse him or else we're just not going to, we might not endorse you when it comes time for your fucking campaign. But you know, what's beautiful right now is that Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz is in the war. And I, since I hate Ted Cruz, he's in the worst of all possible positions. Now what the beautiful thing about what's happened is Ted Cruz refused to endorse Trump, got the big booze, right? Then he endorsed Trump. And then immediately after he endorsed Trump, the fucking video of Trump talking about grabbing women's pussies came out, right? And now all these other major Republicans are fucking turning tail. So now he looks like he looks worse

if he had just held his principles. He looks so bad. Now he looks like who he is. He looks like he turned down his safe school. Right. After, before he got accepted to the other one. And now he's working at Starbucks for the fall. Right, exactly. Oh, god damn it. I'm going to reapply in the spring. We are in a general election with a binary choice.

I'm asking you for new information. I didn't fucking for new information. I didn't fucking ask you that. Where's the fucking cocaine at? For me to continue laying out those concerns. I'm asking you for new information. You're in a different role than I am. You have, you can share your. You can, you can, you.

I don't know what to say. Concerns, I have shared them in the past. You can share your concerns. I have shared them in the past. I don't intend to repeat them. But that's different. I'm asking you for new information. You knew all the things that you're saying today. The time to do that would have been the day you pulled out or the day that you. Ted Cruz has never pulled out because he's never finished.

That's the thing is because he's never been in anything. You know what I mean? Like he's never actually been in a thing to pull out of it. The day that you gave the speech so eloquently. Why now? Oh, and now you see so before it was

exactly right. So before it was just the big boss. And now the underbosses are kind of like, yeah, what the fuck, Mickey? Where's the fucking cocaine at? Huh? Tell you what, if I had the cocaine, I'd have shown up with the cocaine. When they give me cocaine, I arrive at my intended destination with the cocaine. You're not a fucking drug mule. You're a fucking drug miniature. Fuck. Hire the drug burrow? What do we hire here, huh? This clip comes from episode 334, Googly Eyes.

Recorded on December 26th. So the story comes from broadly.vice.com, and it's just fucking amazing. It's classy as fuck. Dude, this is a classy fucking show. And this is a classy fucking story for this fucking amazing. It's classy as fuck. Dude, this is a classy fucking show. And this is a classy fucking story for this fucking show. It is. If you're looking for a reasoned, well-balanced, interesting, thoughtful portion of this show, the Cum Rags for Congress portion is probably your best bet.

Wait a minute. Can we get out our monocles when we read this story? I'm going to. Because I'm going to get out my monocles. we read this story i'm gonna because i'm gonna get out my monocle i have a bow tie yeah there we go uh secure it properly i'm gonna make sure my bow tie is perfect top hat you have your top hat set and we'll have some shrimp cocktail yeah there we go classy as fuck bitch i'm gonna make a drink for my globe globe bar. It's shrimp cocktail in a jar. Right. My dad used to eat that garbage.

I know what you're talking about. It's fucking. And the thing is, it's like just. It's gelatinized. It's packed in fucking cocktail sauce. It is. And it's the worst. It's poison.

It's botulism. It is poison. It's so good. You could take it and you could fucking pull it out of the syringe and inject it in your face and watch your faces. It's fucking straight botulism. It's sold as a weight loss supplement. Do you like your asshole to feel like it's on fire? Do you like shooting liquids out of your ass like you're vomiting them out of your mouth it's like it comes with a bucket so you can fucking get you get the fucking ass on the throne

and the head in the bucket situation where you're just like oh god you ever had one of those one of those one of those uh like food poisoning moments where it feels like your ass is throwing up where it feels like that's heaving and it's like it's like and you're like what the fuck you're like wait what is happening that's a moment where food for your body's like we are getting rid of this you're just like you're ready to take off right it's like what's like a rocket it could leave your bathroom i the the worst case of food poisoning i ever had i'm i'm sitting on the throne i have my head in the i'm leaned over to the side. So my head's in the tub. So you can throw up in there if you have to. Oh, you are throwing up in the tub. I'm shitting and puking and I got the water running on my head.

And I'm just like, I just need to die. The only thing I'm thinking is just like, I don't want to live in this body anymore. I don't care what happens to it. Somebody can take it. You can just fucking throw it away. I've just, I've ruined this one. This one is garbage now. All I had was one thing a cocktail trip that's it so this story i don't even know if we even need to cover this story no i do want to talk about comrades for congress all right

comrades for congress satanists protest texas abortion law with semen socks just beautiful i would name a cat semen i would name a band semen socks hello ohio we are semen socks i wouldn't i would i would make that a pet name for my mistress what's up semen socks yeah she doesn't talk very much. She's made of wool. You have your comrade, but you put a little mouth on it. And googly eyes. Googly eyes and like some yard hair. And you're like, that's right. That's right.

And once in a while, her foreign friend comes in and I put it on the other hand. while her foreign friend comes in and I put it on the other hand. Oh, so your foreign cousin's in from France, eh? You're like doing a whole hand-wrap and play. Hello, hello. You got a little French maid outfit once. You can always, oh, I'm just here to clean. Do not pay attention to me, sir. There's a whole fucking jerk-off sock puppet theater.

The whole sock puppets are fucking crusty and weird looking. They're all real stiff like they went through the starch cycle at the cleaners. So they're all kind of standing up on their own and you can take them off and just set them there. And then You're trying to make the mouth move and you just hear the

Oh no. Oh gosh. And then your mom mouth move and you just hear the... Oh, no! Oh, God! And then your mom watches one and you're like, Mom! What are you doing? I was saving that one! Not Princess Penelope! You ruined Justine!

Now I'm never going to know how this story ends. Okay. Okay. So, Cumrex for Congress. Let's get back to this. Because this is an important story. There should be a whole puppet theater. I know.

Cum sucks. I think it could play opposite of puppetry of the penis. It's like a Punch and Judy show. That's only for the Dom section. Punch him in the balls. Oh, God. All right. So, Texas, we covered this the other day.

Texas passed this ridiculous rule that, you know, miscarries, miscarriages. They did put an injunction against this or some judge did something to slow it down. Yeah. Which which is almost all this is all this is there for is to elevate to the Supreme Court. Right. These sorts of rules, I think, are only being put into place so that these kinds of cases can begin to push the challenge further up into the court system. So in Texas now, if you have an abortion or miscarriage, unless you do it at home, which I think you can only do the miscarriage portion of the program at home, I'm not sure you're allowed to have the abortion at home.

Requires a different set of process. Jim Henson's like, I've never been in such demand. Down in Fraggle Rock. No, that's actually where you bash the fetus's head against. I'm just saying I fuck mistake. That's all I'm saying.

In the snout. So, in the snout town. So as a response to this ridiculous law in Texas, the Satanic Temple, which we just talked about, the Satanic Temple is saying, hey, great story. So if we're going to treat discarded tissue in a specific way, then we're going to treat semen, like discarded semen, in a specific way. And the very best part is theymen, like discarded semen, in a specific way. And the very best part is they sent it to him, Tom, and I want you to read this.

Okay. So they sent- Having mailed an ejaculate-covered sock to Texas Governor Greg Abbott, along with a handwritten note that says, These are babies, please bury. And the best part is it's spelled like you would text it to somebody. R is the letter R, and please is spelled P-L-Z. Please, Barry.

Oh, God. It's so good. It's so great. So funny. Also, you had said, though, initially, and I kind of agree, like this is a little horrifying. Oh, it's super horrifying. This is really pushing it to a level that I don't know that I would be comfortable. I certainly wouldn't send anything like this.

I'd run out of socks. Yeah, I guess you could get them delivered Amazon now, though. Right. I was going to say Prime, but you're not going to wait two days. Two days. But the guy who started this, Blackmore guy, he says, it's evocatively titled Cum Rags for Congress. He says the fetal tissue has the potential to become a human he says it's evocatively titled Cum Rags for Congress. He says

the fetal tissue has the potential to become a human, but it's not a human yet, does not have consciousness, cannot exist without the mother. And he says basically like, look, this is fucking awful. I know that this is awful. I know it's crass. I know it's disgusting. I know it's filthy, but so is this law.

This law is an abuse. And it is an abuse of women. It's an abuse of people. And so the response should be equally crass. So the Satanic Temple founder, Lucian Greaves, said, Texas health officials are baldly imposing the view that fetal tissue is elevated to personhood, a religious opinion that conflicts with our own. If Texas is going to treat the disposal of fetal tissue differently

from the disposal of any other biological material, they need to present a compelling state interest for doing so. Of course, there is no such state interest, and it's perfectly clear the demand for fetal tissue burial is a putative measure imposed by sadistic theocrats. He's right. He's right. And this response, again, well, I am, I think it's horrible. Like, I think sending actual

fucking cum rags to your congressperson is a trucious. And they talk in this about, like, filling it with lotion and stuff. That's what they're talking about. So do it symbolically, right? Do it symbolically. It's a symbol rather than actually, you know, ejaculating into a, I save, those are for me.

I don't share those. That's not. We want to thank everybody who listens to the show. We want to thank all our patrons. We want to thank everybody who rates us. Thanks for a great year. We, I mean, you know, we really had a great year. We got a chance to meet a bunch of fans. We got a chance to travel.

And we're hoping to do a bunch of that this We got a chance to travel. And we're hoping to do a bunch of that this year. So thanks for listening. Thanks for enjoying it. Thanks for sharing it. And we hope 2017 is a little better than 2016. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment.

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