Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 337: Bullet of the Month Club

Episode Date: January 9, 2017

This episode is a special episode in that it is the first show of 2017. We are finally out of the garbage dump that was 2016.  In this episode, Tom and Cecil start by discussing what’s been ruining Jim Bakker’s week.  They move on to a story about Donald Trump's misconceptions and tweets about vaccines. Tom and Cecil review a couple of other clips and articles about ridiculous things Michael Savage says, the psychic and astrology world predictions for 2017, and how superstition prevents action against children drowning in Bangladesh. Stories covered in episode:  

Today's show is brought to you by HelloFresh.com. Use the promo code COGDIS35 and save $35 off your first week of deliveries. Hey guys, just thought I should let you know that I listened to your podcast when my boyfriend's over. And, well, the last time we did it, um, when you said that no one should ever have sex while listening to it, I was balls deep. Glory hole. Jesus, Cecil, Tom,

that shit that you guys talked about with the fucking sock puppets was some of the most childish, disgusting, crass, and frankly offensive things I have ever heard you say. And I've never laughed harder. Keep it up, you wonderful motherfuckers. Glory hole. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago,

this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome at. This is episode 336 of Cognitive Dissonance. Seven.

337. That's what I was going to say. Last time. You did 336 last time. It's 335. Toaster Shake-Ins released on Thursday, which you wouldn't have known about because you don't pay attention to this stuff, but it is 337. Just letting you know.

Toaster Shaken's release is on Thursday, which is as of the date of this recording in the future, though. Yeah. So it's 336. Right. And this one will be 337. No, yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong.

You're clearly right. I know. I know. I know. I'm right. I'm not correcting you. I'm not correcting you. I know. That's all I know. I'm right. I'm not correcting you. I'm not correcting you. I know.

That's all I have to say. Actually, I'm not correcting you. I just forgot about toaster shake. It's, you know, I do want to point out, though, that there's something there's something special about this episode. And that is that it is not being recorded in 2016. That fucking dumpster fire is over. Yeah.

We just took a little. We just kindled a little bit of the garbage from that one. No, no. That's not how this works. We're bringing it over to this dumpster. New dumpster. New dumpster, new fire. That's how it works.

Okay, you know what? I'll take a different fire. I'll just take a different fire. At least it won't smell like hobo grease. Yeah, a little Trump's president. It's going to smell weird. It's going to be weird, man. He's going to burn all the hobos. I mean, let's be honest. It's going to smell weird. It's going to be weird, man. He's going to burn all the hobos.

I mean, let's be honest. He's going to murder all the hobos. That's super likely. Well, what he'll do is he'll just come to town, and he'll be like, hey, I'm going to murder all your hobos. Bring them on up here. I want to shoot them in the face in front of you. And then he's just going to shoot all the hobos.

And they'll be like, oh, my God, thank you, Trump, for cleaning up the streets. And then people will be like, hey, why'd you shoot all those hobos? He's like, wasn't me. Never did it. He's blowing the smoke out of the gun. He's like, never did it. No, it wasn't me. Bam, bam, bam.

Never did it. No, that wasn't me. What are you talking about? I'm going to tweet about it. Did you see the tweet? Did you see the tweet where it's like, I've vanquished my enemies or some shit? He tweeted out like, happy new year. It's a particularly good new year for me because I want to.

My enemies are crying. They're crying big fucking weepy tears. I am a sore winner. The sorest fucking winner. I elected a 10-year-old. It's fucking amazing. Oh, God. It's like playing a 10-year-old on Xbox.

And he's like, I fucked your mom. I fucked your mom. I fucking came in her ass. And you're just like, if I could reach through this little thing and grab your fucking scrawny neck you shit i would choke the fucking life out of you that's how you feel it's like you're playing a guy and the problem is he keeps winning right i know winning and winning and i you remember do you remember when all you wanted all you wanted from the year yes i do was to hear you don't even have to finish this makes a concession speech you know i wanted it so it so bad. I wanted it so bad, too, because I just wanted to hear him. I was half erect all year waiting for that.

And then he does it, and now he's just going to rub it in for four years. And I hope that America gets its shit together and votes him out in four years, just so I can be like, you know, it was a shitty four years, but it was worth that concession speech. Because I want to hear him at least say one. Because if he goes eight years, then he won't get to say one. I,

he'll have just won all the winning that he can win. That sucks. He, you know, it's one thing to be a sore loser. That's ugly, right? Being a sore loser is fucking sure.

It's ugly. I have a lot of practice at losing. I'm a great loser. Like it's just like, you're the best loser. I know. Thank you. I mean,

you are one. Thank you. You are really a unique and amazing loser fuck you but to be a sore winner is even uglier right it's just like you meet a sore it's why everybody hates ronda rousey right when she was when she won those fights and she wouldn't shake the hands with people and why you know like other people didn't like anderson silva like those are the sports you know so i'm not talking about no i which i appreciate i'm not talking about i appreciate that yeah but like when people are are sore winners you're like oh what it makes you hate

the person right it just makes you look like you're just like gloating you're like oh what a cunt you are it's like that nate diaz yeah he's a sore winner yeah i don't like him yeah also i think he's cognitively deficient i think i think you can kind of tell by that chrome magnet shelf that is above his eyebrows that he's a little deficient he's like i would not fight you though nate if you listen to the show you could have all my money right now like you come to the studio i'm gonna feed you chocolate raisins until i can run away i'll peel that motherfucker a grape like whatever you need buddy and that grape could be my testicle but buddy raise a glass i don't even have one but fucking here's to the end of 2016

and at the beginning of we've got 18 days before trump's inaugurated 2016 did suck it was a little rough but 20 2017 we doesn't look any better uh so yeah yeah so here we go all right all aboard says it must be male and female it must be opposite of one another everything in the universe testifies against the sodomites and against the sodomite gospel and against the sodomite bible all the sodomite gospel and against the sodomite Bible. All right. So this story comes from the Friendly Atheist blog. This is our friend. This is Jim Baker.

Jim Baker's got some shit to say, almost all of it entirely inaccurate, actually. Pretty much. About bibbles and schools. So here we go. Months ago, God called me to be a part. Hello, Jim Baker, are you there? Hey, Jim,, God called me to be a part. Hello, Jamaica, are you there? Hey, Jim, I'm calling you to be a part. That's it.

Just a part. I just want you to be a part. Pick up the phone. Why do I always get your answering machine, Jimmy? I'm talking right to your brain. You never pick up. Jimmy, I see everything. I know you're on Pornhub.

Answer the phone. Calling this nation back to God. Yeah. To voting at the election. That's where you vote. At the polls. There's no other place to do it. Oh, no.

There's no other. Oh, no. If you're illegal. Oh, yeah. If you're illegal, you can vote in the mythosphere. Well, what you do is when they're carrying the locked ballots out to the car, you jump in the slot real quick and fill one out and jump back out of the slot. A person who would stand for Bible reading in the schools even. You say, oh, we can't do that.

We can. We can do all things through Christ. Not that. Yeah, that's not one of the things you can do. No, you can. The students can do all things through Christ. Not that. Yeah, that's not one of the things you can do. I mean... No, you can. The students can do it. Yeah, no.

Well, no, they can do it. And they've done it in a couple places, but then they start passing out the satanic pamphlets, and then they start passing out the Hindu pamphlets, and then they start passing out the Muslim pamphlets, and suddenly nobody wants Bible in the class anymore. Interesting how that happens, right? It's kind of weird.

It's like, oh, we live in a pluralistic society. I'd rather we didn't. Oh, but we do. And if America votes, it's time they vote for anything and everything. What does that mean? It's time they vote for anything and everything? Just vote for the whole fucking thing? I want to vote for a dick in your butt.

So does he. I'll tell you what, he's the only guy they had to eject from prison. He didn't vote for it. He didn't vote for that. You just agreed to it. Agreed. We should vote for Bible reading. We should have never let it be taken out of the schools.

Yeah, that's right. Amen. Amen. We should have never allowed them to take it from high schools and colleges and universities, all of them. We should have never, ever. We didn't have to. Colleges and universities, first of all, are not the same thing. I read the Bible.

I read the Bible in college. I read it in high school. We read it in our literature class as literature, and it was entirely fine. It wasn't preached. It was just read as literature. You read the garbage, and you're like, this is terrible. Yeah, I actually do feel as literature. You read the garbage and you're like, this is terrible. Yeah, I actually do feel that way. We read it and I was like, this writing is not very good.

This seems like a waste of time. Yeah, I'm sure. Because the writing is not very good. Writing sucks. By and large, there's a line here or there. It's like, that's a nice line. Yeah. But it's a line here or there.

You could read virtually any actually good literature. If you want to read something where every line is good, we should just be reading fucking Lolita in high school because every line is brilliant. Also, nobody should read that in high school. Yeah, I mean, if you're in a Catholic high school, you should probably read it because they're already diddling you anyway. That's actually part of their

training program. It's just that they call that the school guide. It's a handbook where they, you know, the hand right we didn't have to look what we did in this election the people got up one last time the great giant called the the family of god got up and voted that's right and less than half of them voted for your guy. And you still lost.

You still lost. All the people of God stood up. Yeah, there were less than half of them by a factor of 2.whatever fucking million. And all hell is against this presidency. All hell is against it. Why? Why? Because he's a terrible fucking leader that's why because he tweets

at fucking china suck my balls that's why because he's a fucking terrible goddamn leader and he's an asshole and a narcissist like that's why that those are actually excellent points all of those are excellent points his policies are garbage we read through his first 100 days there was like two or three things in there we're like oh yeah you should stop lobbyists and as soon as he gets in he's like hey lobbyists let's go he was like he he like clearly lied about all the shit that people thought was gonna he was gonna do to like change washington and now he's going in and he's gonna be pretty much washington and he's gonna fucking essentially just make it good for rich people that's why how about that how about he's just gonna make it good for rich people. That's why. How about that? How about he's just going to make it good for rich people?

Well, and I'll tell you what the thing that is scaring me the most right now is how obviously temperamentally unsuited he is for this position. Yeah. I mean, this is a guy who seems like his plan to communicate with the world is genuinely through Twitter. I think that is what is going to happen here. I think the way he is going to communicate with the world is in 140 character bursts of outrage. And he's just going to, he's like a child, he's a toddler. And his maturity level is fucking, it's through the floor. It's abysmal.

He doesn't even seem like he has the actual interest in the work of the job, right? It's like, hey, do you want these security briefings? No, I'm super smart, I don't need them. Ah! Are you kidding me? You're fucking about to be the president of the United States. Doesn't matter how smart you

are. I'll tell you why. That's it. Because of righteousness. Good and evil. That's right. Good and evil. That's what it's about Zach it's about Christianity cramps the style of this generation right this generation wants to sin and mock God kill babies a million of a year and just do anything we want. That's right. They've decided to change marriage. That's right.

The whole definition of marriage. Marriage is different now. Did you know that? What's the definition? What is the definitional difference? I think two people that are consenting adults that love each other can get married. Actually, it turns out you don't even have to love each other.

You just be two consenting adults. Where nobody's smart enough to say no i've got news for you it still takes a man and a woman to make a baby yeah babies and marriage aren't the same thing so i got news for you jimmy baker you know what it's funny because he fucking knows that right because he got married later in life didn't produce any offspring. Yeah. Right? No, right. Exactly.

I mean, he can't possibly be fertile. Look at him. He's obviously irradiated. Oh, I'm sure he's fine. It's just, I'm sure his wife is menopausal. That bobble thing? Yeah. She's menopausal.

Oh, that's dry as the day is long. Are you kidding me? You can't pry that apart. She's like moistening with a turkey baster he's gotta he's gotta get the garden hose out just to he's got everything apart he's got a small bucket of ky's just sticking the turkey baster in there and i no it just keeps on absorbing it i try to in and it's just absorbing it in the walls. It's weird. Why is it doing that?

I didn't think the human body could absorb three bottles of Jurgens. This seems unsafe. It's real smooth in here, though. I will say that. It's velvety soft. It's moisturized. That's right. And it's, oh, no, no, no, no.

They can do it in a test. Well, they still got to get. What do they got to get? They can't even say it. Look at how smug she looks, too. Look at her. Say sperm. Say sperm.

Sperm. I love when these guys are squeamish about biology, right? Because they're just like. Parts. They got to get the stuff. Bits of the bombs. They need the man stuff and the woman stuff. And if you put the man and the woman stuff together,

you get the baby stuff. Do you wonder if that's part of it? It's just like they're so divorced from how bodies work and they're so uncomfortable. They're just like, I don't know, a man and a woman. That's a magic happenstance. Poop a baby. They don't want to think too much about it.

Part. Whatever you own out there in the audience. He's just moving his hands. Come. He's just moving his hands back and forth like, you guys know what I mean, huh? Vaginal discharge. I don't think the vaginal discharge is required for the baby. I just thought I'd say it.

I get excited. I got to wash the baby. I just thought I'd say it. I get excited. I got to wash the sheets. No, I don't. You're a bachelor. Those stains are like, they're like pride. I draw like a CSI circle around it and put the date on it.

You hang like one of those UV lights from the ceiling and you spin it. It looks like one of those disco clubs around your room because all the lights are moving around. They're helping you preach. Male and female. You know what happened this week? What's that? The worst thing. Hold on.

Let's see what you guessed. Let's see what the worst thing. Hold on. Let's see if we can guess what. Let's see what the worst thing this week was. All right. Okay. What do you think happened to him? The worst thing this week that happened to Jim Baker. He had to have sex with that bubble hat. He got a toothy blowy from her.

Oh, it's so scratchy. Can you take your teeth out, honey? In England? What happened? The law in England has approved the new three-person marriage. Sure, of course. Yep. Not even true.

Legitimately not even true. Okay. So his source is Mr. Conservative. Well, that's got to be true, right? Mr. Conservative. That sounds like a... My source is Mr. Conservative. Well, let's look it up.

All right, let's do it. Even on the Mr. Conservative website, it says three-way marriages may now be legalized. May now be. Won't be. According to Breitbart's parts is that what it says the green party in the uk has announced that they are open to legalizing three-way marriages in the country that seems very different than what he just said what he just said because it is extraordinarily different one party a my hey a minority party says they're open to a concept no it's the law no it's the law i am

the law no what i will say that there's three i just have one question who rules barter town there's three lesbians here on the on the image yeah tell me more i gotta say blue-haired lesbian i've watched that movie i'm just saying I'm not navigating away. I might be navigating too. I'm not saying I'll finish the whole movie, but I'm not navigating away. The whole movie. I've never finished the whole movie.

I've always fast forwarded to the end. Is that right? Did you read it? I sure did. It's in our headlines. That's not what it says. That's not even what you wrote. He wrote down three-way marriages may now be legalized.

May. May. The may is kind of important. Also, he got his own source wrong. He got his own dubious source wrong. It's like when you were a kid and you'd ask the teacher, the smart-ass teacher, and you'd be like, can I go to the bathroom? And they'd be like, I don't know, can you?

Let me rephrase it. I'm going pee. Do you want me to do it in your like, I don't know. Can you? Let me rephrase it. I'm going pee. Do you want me to do it in your classroom or in the urinal? Can you? Wow. So they're going to take parts, stuff from three people. No, we're not taking the parts from three people. Nobody said that.

Wait a minute. Who takes my parts? I mean, that's a three-way I don't want to have. I'm taking your parts. The fuck you are, I'll loan them to have. I'm taking your parts. The fuck you are. I'll loan them to you. It's frankenthirds. So three people now can get married.

Nope. Pretty soon you'll be able to marry a baboon. You already did. Nope, I got nothing better than that. That's great. No, that's... She didn't consent. I mean, come than that. That's great. No, that's... She didn't consent. I bet her ass is bright red when he's done.

She stands across the room and he just throws his cum at her. He's just whipping it across the room. No wonder she's never been pregnant. His age is not that good. Now, the concern, obviously, is if this isn't bottled up in San Francisco, this kind of nonsense, then it's going to be spreading across the entire Fruited Plain, and you're going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa.

And you're going to have a rainbow-colored wrapper for your Whopper. This story comes to the Border Herald. Christian couple in Australia plan to divorce if same-sex marriage is legalized. What? Why are you fucking with me? It's an accident. I do such a bad job even if left to my own devices. Oh, stop.

So this is kind of what it sounds like. A married couple in the Australian capital of Canberra or Cranberry as we call it. It's Cranberry. They made headlines after deciding to be assholes. Basically, this is just a publicity stunt for what? Their own marriage? I think you could sort of figuratively

say what they're saying is we're going to take our one set of balls and go home. Nicely done, sir. Nicely done. I can tell that was a written. I might have wrote that down ahead of time. It was the first thing that popped up. Yeah.

You know, it's interesting. I certainly agree with this form of protest because Sarah and I sent a letter to the Pope a while back. I remember this letter. We dissolved our marriage when... With the church. Yeah. Yeah.

Through the church as, you know, it's symbolic, if anything else. And I think that this is just as symbolic. I mean, you're clearly trading in some things, though, that, you know, you get. I mean, we don't get a lot of benefits here in the States for being married. Actually, I think it's a penalty, isn't it? It certainly was for me. For normal people, Tom, with functional

relationships, it's still a penalty. But yeah, there's a tax penalty, I think. Yeah, you pay more in taxes. You pay more in taxes. And if you don't shit out any kids, it's you know, it's just there's no benefit. I mean, you know, Sarah and I could be married, filing jointly or single filing jointly and still be, you know, quote unquote married.

You know what I mean? Sure. You know, it doesn't matter. And so the same thing I think applies here. Like these people are probably they seem like they still want to stay together and they're just going to do this as a form of protest. Good for you. Do whatever you want to do. But understand that nobody cares.

Well, you know, the goofy thing, though, is, and I don't know how things work in Australia, but here in the States, you lose, like, you lose the benefits of your estate planning protections. You lose the benefits of, you know, I'd like to make end of life decisions for somebody. Yeah, a lot you can lose that way. You know, there's more than just tax implications. You know, marriage does confer a number of specific legal benefits that they're just going to throw away. Sure.

Because why? You know, they have, certainly they have a right to do this, right? I mean, nobody's saying that they don't have a right to do this. No, no. But, you know, this isn't a choice. I also think it's a valid form of protest, though. I really genuinely do. Yeah.

To do this. I just think that, like, you're giving up a whole lot, right? You're giving up, at least in the States, right? Again, I don't know anything about Australia. I just think that you're giving up a whole lot. At least in the States. Again, I don't know anything about Australia. I know that it's an island. That's all I know. Full of poisonous shit. That's all I know. But in the States, it's like you're giving up a whole bunch of shit and then you're not going to affect any change. Let's be super clear.

Here's the problem I have with protests like this. You are certain to lose. You're not going to gain anything from this. Totally understandable. Here's the problem I have with protests like this, is you are certain to lose. Right? You're not going to gain anything from this. If every married couple in the States did this, it wouldn't make any difference. It's just settled. The fucking Supreme Court is like, yeah, it's asked and answered.

This is over. This is done. We're not doing this anymore. The question is settled. So what are you going to do? What are you going to do? You're going to be like, well, now I don't have certain legal protections okay we're still gonna wake up in the same bed yeah okay well now you're just fucking living in sin which is contrary to your own religious practice yeah it's asinine

that's the thing it's just you're gonna accomplish nothing except for to hurt yourself sure it's but but again i think i think isn't that the point of the protest though to show that they're willing to hurt themselves because this is an ideal that they have? Yeah, it is, right? But it's like if they were like, well, I'm going to gouge out my left eye. You'd be like, well, fuck it. Then you're going to walk around with one less eye and gay people are still going to love each other. It's fucking literally stupid.

It's a stupid thing to do. But if they gouge out both eyes, they don't have to look at you. Wakefield is not just any researcher his 1998 study on autism and childhood vaccines literally changed the way many parents think about vaccines the study was based on just 12 children that's right 12 children but many parents desperate for answers around the world embraced wakefield's claim that he'd found a link between autism and the vaccine for measles mumps and rubella. Fuck's sake.

This story's from The Independent. One in three Donald Trump supporters believes vaccines cause autism, and so does the president-elect. Well, he does. He did at least in the recent tweets, like in 2014. Well, there's no reason to believe that he still believes something he believed in 2014. No. Like, that is entirely,and I'm not even kidding.

No, absolutely. Just because he said it in 2014, first of all, doesn't mean he believed it when he said it. No, that's true. Second, it doesn't mean that he will admit to having said it while he was saying it. That wasn't my Twitter account. That wasn't me. It says, the real Donald Trump. Not the real one.

That's not me. I tweet it from the real Donald Trump. It's the same thing. Not the same thing. What? What is happening? Someone kill this man. Actually, bring him up on stage. I'll shoot him myself. Just watched you type it. You saw nothing. You don't even have eyes. What?

So, alright, here's in March of 2014, allegedly he tweeted this. Autism. Way up. I believe in vaccinations, but not massive all-at-one shots. Too much for a small child to handle.

Government should stop now. Government should stop what now? Stop a massive shot that they're getting? Well, hold on, because in 2012, he said, I've seen people where they have a perfectly healthy child. They go for the vaccinations, and a month later, the child is no longer healthy. It happened to somebody that worked for me recently.

I mean, they had this beautiful child, not a problem in the world. And all of a sudden, they go in, they get this monster shot. Hold on. You ever see the size of it? It's like they're pumping it in. You know, it's terrible.

The amount. The amount. The amount. He actually thinks that it's a higher volume because there's more than one vaccine. You know that it comes out with this giant comical air pump thing. Have you ever gotten the one that's a circle? It's like the, what is that, a tuberculosis or something? Yeah. It's the one that's a circle?

Yeah. Well, that's not actually a tuberculosis. What that is is it's nine syringes tied in a circle. It's like the, what is that? A tuberculosis or something? It's the one that's a circle. Well, that's not actually a tuberculosis. What that is, is it's nine syringes tied in a circle. And they stick it on your arm and then they have to press the plunger at the same time. I got my flu shot Friday and I gained 11 pounds.

The thing was huge. You should have seen it. It has nothing to do with the flu shot. Also, the doctor raped me. Oh, Jesus Christ. Also, the doctor raped me. I feel sorry for that guy. I guess one of the things is that he seems like the kind of guy who reads a little bit of something or hears something, and then he just kind of goes off on it, right? And this sort of feels like he might it feels like he might have heard something about Wakefield studies or something, and then just doesn't, just hears it and just takes it as gospel truth and just spouts off about it. The problem is that this is the president of the

United States. I mean, somebody can go back and look at this tweet. This tweet still exists. Find this tweet, retweet it out. Send it to all their followers. Go to their natural news site and post it and be like, see, the president doesn't believe that vaccinations should be like this. It's two years old. Two problems here that I see. First of all,

this is a perfect example of the facts don't matter. The facts don't make any difference. And then like you were saying, this is a guy who reads the headline. When he reads a headline he takes it literally it's clearly he takes it literally yeah so when they say they're giving him lots of vaccines in one shot he thinks they're actually giving lots of volume like he's such a he is such a literal person his ability to think metaphorically and figuratively. It's like in the movies when they have that like big jar of shit,

they've got to stick in the thing. And then it's like going on and on and on. And you see the thing draining. It's like, it's like, it's like if I said, yeah, I'm going to give you the pertussis and I'm going to give you the

whooping cough vaccine. I wouldn't think that you're giving me double the volume of liquid because I'm not fucking, I'm not a complete fucking idiot. I understand that we're talking about things that are microscopic, like in terms of what's actually doing the work in my body. So you can give me more microscopic pieces in the same general macro volume, right?

Because I understand the difference. This is a guy who's, A, the facts don't matter, and B, he's such a fucking literalist. And you have to worry about people who are like this, because people don't speak literally. Language itself is symbolic. Somebody who can't even move beyond the literal and think and interpret and get past headlines. This is a problematic guy to be making decisions. And it's problematic in the sense that, you know,

here's a guy who's going to be the mouthpiece of a whole nation. Things he says matter. They matter now. Yeah. In recognizing a communist, physical appearance counts for nothing. If he openly declares himself to be a communist, we take his word for it.

This is from Right Wing Watch. This is Michael Savage. All right, so we're going to play this. This is from Savage's show. His fucking audio is always so hot, so he's going to sound like he's fucking blowing out his fucking... This is why you hate this guy. This is a big part because you have more anybody with shit audio. Makes me crazy. Yeah, I know. First of all, we won the election. This is why you hate this guy. This is a big part because you have more anybody with shit on you. Makes me crazy.

Yeah, I know. First of all, we won the election. I don't live every day now fearing that the NSA is spying on me or that the FBI is going to throw a black bag over my head and take me away one night. It'd be the only thing that improves your ugly fucking face. It's the only way you'd be fuckable. Are you kidding me? Do you know that I actually lived in that fear under the regime of Obama? And they're not gone yet.

They would have to sew a separate bag to get it over your fucking giant face. They would have to hire people from other countries to sweatshop style fucking sew that thing together. It'd be like when you were a kid and had a big parachute and everybody played parachute and bounce that fucker up in the air. You'd have to buy out of Joanne Fabrics to fucking piecemeal quilt something together that would

fit over your fucking giant face. I love it. He's like, did you know I lived with that fear? Yeah, well, I live with the fear of fucking flying laser sharks. It's just as likely. You idiot. Me too. That'd be fucking horrible. I'm terrified of flying laser sharks.

These fascists who are disguised as good liberal progressives are still in power and they still they still frighten me by the way for 18 days they're in power for 18 days what do you think they're still worried 18 days the motherfucker had eight years his fucking big master plan all comes together in the back two weeks i will be just as afraid 18 days out from a trump end of presidency i guess you're right i'll be fucking i'll be like can he still does he still have access to the big red button please he gets mad on the way out and just presses it fucking i'm out boom ah every last one of them belonged in the ex-soviet union belong in the ex-sooviet Union. Belonged in the ex-Soviet Union. Not Russia.

He didn't say Russia. Because Russia is now the right's ally, right? Now the right loves Russia because I actually don't understand that still. But they do. They love Russia. They've made it clear that they're just fucking gobbling that fucking knob so hard. They're just like, I mean, the fucking uvula is fucking bruised from taking that shit down. And they're not going anywhere.

That's my fear. I remember when Trump won that night. The next day I woke up, I looked at the sky. The sky looked as though it had opened up. The sky looked clear. A friend of mine said, it's as though a portal to another world had opened up for all of us. I agree. Me too.

I felt the same. You ever see the movie The Gate? You know, in our dimension, the dimension we came from, Bernie's president. Oh, I love this one. Why aren't we still there? The Cubs lost the World Series. Makes more sense.

And Tommy Lahren, her name isn't Tommy Lahren. It's actually Jacqueline Glenn. And she has dark hair and she's not a conservative you know I I was I was having this conversation someone the other day it's like you know that that whole idea that there's multiple you know you make decisions and then you branch off into this one it's like man this is not the right fucking one like there's one where you're still married I like this it one so much better. I'll take it.

I'll take it. Good. We were no longer living in this closed world that this monster in the White House had created in this free nation. This interloper, this phony, this monster, what he had done to this nation. He had created the greatest spy apparatus the world had ever seen and he gets away with it with that sick smile of his.

Hiding behind his wife and children the nice guy obama and the rats in the media like wolf blitzer say nothing you don't know the rage i have for them i do i feel it oh yeah it just doesn't make literally any sense at all and also it also is impotent rage because you can't do anything about it no i'm fucking i know impotent rage so i'm right there with you mike savage all your rage you don't know what i would do if i had the power you don't know what i would do if i had the power you have no idea and that's why but i don't like fascists but if i had all the power i'd fuck you up so bad i'll tell you what i don't like totalitarian fascists but if you gave me all the power, I would totally be a fascist. It's so funny.

It's like that fucking, I don't know, it's like that fucking experiment or whatever that they debunked, that one. The Stanford experiment, right? I made a decision many years ago because I have such rage against the machine. No way. He's always shirtless in the front of our crowd. He's always shirtless. He's like, Gorilla Radio!

Oh, please rage on, Mikey Savage. Oh my god. That I would stay where I am even if I had the opportunity to inveigle my way into a government. I would not want that power because I would probably use it like

a hammer on an anvil to get even with these people and what they've done to this fine country. That's how I feel about it. Are you seriously the same thing you're bitching about? You're saying I am an

untrustworthy, authoritarian, violent, vicious, dictatorial shithead and I am that way because I don't like violent, dictatorial shitheads. Is this irony? I'm not good at this. But I think this is irony.

Oh god, God, seriously. He is so not self-reflective, right? He's just like, look, I got a guard against myself guarding against me because when I'm the guard against me, then my guard is me against myself. Do you remember last week when we were talking about projection, about that guy who's saying those transgender kids want to put me on a stake and burn me alive or whatever? Yeah. It's the same thing.

This is projection, right? He is worried about people in power that are not like him because he recognizes that he would abuse the shit out of that power. At least he recognizes it. Yeah, but the thing is he automatically assumes everybody's going to do it. But he's totally fine with his guy abusing him. So I'm glad I have no power. I'm glad I am only a voice on the outside looking in. I'm one of the outraged Eddies out there.

Let me tell you, I'm not that happy today. But I feel differently today about the country. I don't walk around fearing that it's all coming to an end. I don't walk around looking at little white children, to be honest with you, seeing future slaves anymore. Did you know that? What the fuck? Who's looking at little white children, to be honest with you, seeing future slaves anymore. Did you know that? What the fuck? Who's enslaving little white children? And why are they white children?

Like, are the black children safe? Is he suggesting that the black children are going to be the ones enslaving the white children? I think he was thinking that, like, Obama was going to institute slavery. That's the only explanation that I can think of. Blink. Right. Yeah, no. I mean, yeah, it's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard.

That's like Obama fucking decreeing prima nocta. It's the dumbest shit you've ever heard. I am here for my first night. And that'd be the worst because once they go black, they never go back. So then you just get it.

I married her. She won't even fuck me. Well, then you just gotta marry a different one. Well, then he fucks her. Damn it. Did you know that that's what I used to see? I'd walk around and look at little white children. I'd shake my head and I'd say, if this doesn't stop,

these children will be slaves in their own nation. That's racist. What does that even mean? I don't even know. Such a fucking dipshit. I hate that guy. Such a fucking pathetic moron. The fuck does that even mean?

I love it. He's just like, do you know what I was afraid of? Lots of irrational shit. Okay. Alright. I was afraid of leaves. Leaves on trees. I was terrified of them. And now, there won't be any more leaves because he's going to kill the earth. So, Tom,

for a couple months now, I been getting the hello fresh box delivered to my house and i gotta say i love it i absolutely love it and this is one of the things that i buy with my own money right so i can i can you can genuinely say i can genuinely say these aren't these aren't like promo boxes that they're giving you i I subscribe to HelloFresh by choice because I think it's great. One of the things that I love about it, I think it's great for portion control. My wife and I, we order for two. You can order

for several people. You can order up to four, family size. Okay, so hold on. Since it's just me, I can still order for four? You can order for four. Because that's a one. That's a one. Fair enough. That's the right amount of calories. Do they have a Tom portion? No, they Because that's a one. Yeah. Yeah. That's a one. Fair enough. Yeah. That's the right amount of calories. Do they have a Tom portion? No.

No, they don't. Nobody does. But because when they do, you just hear in the background, you just hear beep, beep, beep, when they back it up to the door. No, but it's a great size of portion. A lot of times when you go to, let's say you're digging through your recipe book and you're like, oh, I want to make this tonight. You make that thing, but you have to go out and buy a bunch of this and jar of this and whatever. It comes in

these single serving pieces that you can just make the recipe with. Very rarely do I have to dig into my own pantry to get anything out of. I also subscribe to one of these box systems before in the past. And one of the things that they do is they'll send, oh, here's your chicken. Here's your thing. And oh, here's your special sauce. With HelloFresh, I've never had a moment where I've been like, oh, I don't know what this ingredient is. I get to make all this stuff. Now, occasionally, they'll send quick demi-glace

or quick stock with it, but that's all stuff that you can buy anyway or you can make on your own. It's not a terribly difficult thing to do. It just takes time, right? All the meals are half an hour or about half an hour to cook, and there's a great variety one of the things that happen when i used to cook you know when you cook for yourself is you wind up with these ruts you're just like yeah okay i've slopey fucking joe every week you know what i

mean it's just like every week there's your go-to's you have your 10 go-to's and you just make the same thing oh we're gonna have this kind of pasta with this kind of thing and it's just sort of the one thing that you make every Every night it's something new. It's really a great system. I kind of love it. I kind of love it. And if you are interested in joining HelloFresh, you can get 35 bucks off your first delivery. All you have to do is go to HelloFresh.com, enter the promo code COGDIS35, that's C-O-G-D-I-S 35 to get $35 off your first week of deliveries. That promo code has changed. It's a great system.

And I, and I totally love it. Sister. It comes from the guardian superstition prevents action against children down drowning in Bangladesh. The fucking number fucking one leading cause of death for children under the age of 18, about 18,000 people a year, is drowning in Bangladesh.

What the fuck is going on in Bangladesh? Well, like most of these deaths occur in ponds, which is where kids wash and sort of go out and like swim or whatever. And the thing that makes it so that children drowned a lot is that there's no prevention of this. They don't try to prevent this because they think that it's fate, that it's God's will if they drown. So they don't try to go out of their – there's been some pushes to say, hey, well, let's teach kids to swim or let's fence off the fucking pond. What do you say we do something like that? Nobody's doing anything.

And it's so crazy to see something like this happen over there. Over here, you get questioned by the police if you let your kids walk to the park. Here's what I don't understand this at all. The minute it hits home,

the minute it's your neighbor, I guess I can sort of conceptually understand the idea that it's God's will, it's fate, when it's your neighbor, the minute – I guess I can sort of conceptually understand the idea that it's God's will, it's fate when it's at a distance from you, right? And I know that like – and the article says, look, I mean this is how people – they have a different relationship to bodies of water than we do, right? Like bodies of water for us are reservoirs. They're places to play, but they're not where we go get our – we don't go fetch our fucking drinking water. I don't go fucking down to the local retention pond to take my bath.

Sure, sure. So the relationship with bodies of water is different than our relationship to bodies of water. So I do. I get that. I fucking totally understand that. But what I don't understand is how as soon as this hits home, everybody doesn't just fucking stop everything, right? The minute my niece drowns, right? The minute my baby cousin drowns.

The minute somebody in my community drowns. This is not God's will anymore, right? This is something I need to make sure never fucking happens. and make sure it never fucking happens. So I guess I understand it in the sense that when it happens at a distance, when it happens from afar, there's this level of remove that you can have where you can say, well, it's God's will. It's God's will, right, because it's far enough away. But we're talking about the leading cause of death for kids under the age of 18.

So it certainly is happening in your community. It's happening in your family. This is enough people fucking dying at this point that it hits home for enough people that you would think that you'd be like, I have fucking kids. I don't want them to drown. I like my kids. My kids aren't subject to God's will. Right? And then there's ways in which

you can prevent that sort of thing. So you teach them how to swim or whatever. You teach them to swim. And that's the other thing I don't understand is I understand the relationship to water issue, right? That's most of the world. Most of the world, your relationship to water is I need some water. I go to a body of water, and then I use the water from the body of water, right? We are fortunate in the first world that our relationship with water is I need water.

I go to the tap. Sure. Right? I need a bath. I open the spigot. The relationship with water is different in the rest of the world, but all the more reason to teach your fucking kids to swim. You're saying I could be a lawyer. I'm saying you're a football player. It's

in your blood. That's racist. Your soul. That's racist. Your eyes. That's gay. That's homophobic. That's black. That's racist. Damn. This article's from The Atlantic. Will the alt-right promote a new kind of racist genetic? I thought this was a really interesting article.

The sub-headline is, the genomic revolution has led to easy sequencing and cheap ancestry tests. White nationalists are paying attention. The idea that your race or the idea that the genetic superiority of one race or another race is now going to be sort of quasi-backed up by some of this scientific-ish testing. Yeah.

Lends a level of pseudo-credibility to the alt-right. And that's a really unsettling thing because it's one of those cases of just enough information to be dangerous. Sure. And I thought this article was interesting. Yeah, and it feels a lot like, to me, it feels like, remember when we went down to the Ark Park and there was dinosaurs in the cages down there? Yes, I do.

What it feels like is people that don't really, I feel like, respect the findings of science, looking for some scientific backing to bolster their own viewpoints. Start with your conclusion. Yeah, exactly. You start with your conclusion and you work backwards

to find the science that bolsters those things. And this is a perfect example that they even talk in this article about how there are some interesting things that they're bringing up. Some of these people are bringing up. However, they are wholesale throwing things out that are already out there. And one of the things that I

thought that was really interesting from this article was talking about how little variation there is in human DNA, how small the variations are. And we're talking about 0.1% of variations amongst all the human beings. And that's the stuff that we're looking at to see where people came from and where they... Right. And it really, I think, shows the opposite of what they're looking at, right? I thought the same thing. What that shows is not how diverse we all are, but how interconnected we all are. Really, when you look at it, I read the same thing.

When you look at this, it's like we're more one than we are many. Yeah. Right? But these guys are going to use micro-differences, these tiny little differences, and they're going to use these, I don't even want to call them findings but they're gonna they're gonna go they're gonna go fucking needle hunting yeah right and then they're gonna find needles because if you can if you hunt for needles long enough you're gonna fucking find them right and then that's gonna be their new proof yeah you know and and i it's fucking it's weirdly unsettling it's like there's there is a wonderful

and i and i'm 100 on board with it like. It's like there is a wonderful, and I'm 100% on board with it, like the democratization of information is a good thing. But it's not a uniformly good thing, right? Like anything else, when you put information into the hands of idiots and assholes, it bolsters their idiocy. Sure. And it bolsters their assholery. And this is like a prime example of that.

David Ike, what the fuck? All right, so Tom, we read half of chapter 19 for this because chapter 19 is very long. It's very terrible. And so it's mostly about Lady Di and JFK. So why don't you get started and read one of your questions to me? Every week, or every other week sometimes, we read David Icke's book, The Biggest Secret, and we quiz each other on the chapter. You don't have to read at home because the quizzes will tell you everything you need to know about this book.

Oh, yes. Yes, my quizzes particularly are terribly informative. Question one, Cecil. Jesus fucking Christ. What is the hospice movement really all about? Murdering Jews. Well, I'm going to give it away. A, creating a loving, nurturing space

for people to die without the clinical harshness of a hospital and with more care than is possible in a home setting. It sounds true. B, putting people into white chocolate space eggs to be enjoyed by the lizard people and Liz fair as snacks for later. See throwback to the nineties. Good for you.

There's more coming. Okay. Late nineties. See together support for euthanasia, a totally different fucking thing. So the Kissinger could kill off all the useless eaters. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. It's about time you kick the fucking bucket, Grandma. You're chewing through my inheritance like you are that morphine drip. It's the useless eaters. It's the useless eaters. Oh, that's awesome. Christ. Good for you.

Someone killed JFK. Who were they and how do we know? Yeah. A, Henry Kissinger. That's always Henry Kissinger. His name's roots are kiss and singer. The singer of kiss is Paul Stanley.

Oh God. Stanley tools were founded in new Britain, Connecticut. Britain is the home of the lizard queen. I fucking. Yes. B, Lyndon B.

Johnson. His last B. Johnson. His last name is Johnson, which is slang for Wang. Vera Wang used to work at Ralph Lauren. Their logo is someone playing polo. Polo is the game of kings. All kings are part of the brotherhood. This is my favorite thing you've ever done right now. C. Jimmy Hoffa.

Jimmy was the president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters. Brotherhood is literally right in the title. D, Lyndon B. Johnson. His middle name is Baines from the Scottish Bain or Mac Bain, which was written about by Shakespeare. Bain in French means bath. And this is the origin of the order of bath. Absolution baths were given to the Masonic Knights before they caused murder and mayhem.

D. It's D. I don't want to know this. It's D. I don't want to know this. I don't want to know this. I don't want to know this. Actually, to be honest, mine were a few short steps to Kevin Bacon

where theirs was a little farther off. You know what's unsettling? It's like, fuck, I know this answer. Part of my brain is devoted to that. Right? There's a part of my brain right now that doesn't remember my dad's birthday. I've flushed important things from the Ram to know this. This is what I get.

See, so when Diana told Charles that she loved him, how did he respond? A, what's love got to do with it? Got to do with it. B, I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. C. Whatever love is. D. I'm never going to give you up. Never going to let you down.

Never going to turn around and desert you. I think he said all of them, actually. Let's see. Let's see. Maybe, according to Ike. Tom, what is in our inner self? Really, Cecil? We're going there?

A, a vibrating consciousness field that attracts other fields, which sync with our energy. Therefore, our outer physical appearance is merely a reflection of what's happening on the inside. B, our inner self is plugged up airtight with vibrators and when one vibrator meets up with the butt plug our outer physical experience gets moist c yes early stages of four kinds of cancer or d a rooty tooty fresh and fruity it is both d and a Cecil, according to Ike, how do fools fall in love? A, only fools rush in. B, I can't help falling in love with you. Did you just write down song lyrics?

You just wrote song lyrics down. I don't know, but don't discount the possibility of love spells concocted by black magicians to create mind-controlled slaves. Okay, that was copy-draining from the book, though. You still don't get off the hook. Or D, by choosing between an emo sparkly vampire or the muscly guy who's also sometimes a dog. It's the sometimes dog. Tom, John Kennedy was a member of A, the Organ Donor Society of America, B, the Empty Chamber of Commerce, C, the Order of St. John, which is a British version of the Knights of Malta, or D, the Bullet of the Month Club. The Bullet of the Month Club!

He got his one month. He got the first one free. It's a terrible business plan, guys. All right. See, so the Kennedy assassination is just like the death of Princess Diana, which was also an assassination, just so you know. How do we know this? A, somehow lizards.

B, somehow wizards. C, somehow blizzards. D, the aristocrats. It's the aristocrats. Tom, Ike believes, A, Princess Di might have been groomed from birth to die at that spot in Paris at that exact time. B, that Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy and a scapegoat, but also represents Osiris. C, that Jane Mansfield was a high priestess of the Church of Satan. D, that it's not butter.

Or E, all of the above. What does I know that D and B are true? All of the above. Alright, so here is the synopsis. Oh, I can't believe it. Princess Di was murdered by a guy who was in her car, I think. He put his seatbelt

on real fast right before the crash, which seems like a horribly inefficient way to murder someone when you have private access to them. I think that's it. I think that's it. That's it. That's the whole thing.

He put his seatbelt on real quick. Click, click on her ticket, bitch. So that's chapter 19A. I can't imagine the 19B is going to be. Is it seriously going to be the second half of the die? I think it is. Is it the second half of Princess Die? This is all Princess Die.

Oh, my God. It's so boring. It's so boring. If she was alive, this would be boring. Everything about princesses is fucking boring. Can't we just let it go? Well, they're talking about, like, at one point, talking about how much... That was a Frozen reference?

That was an ice princess joke or something? Yeah. Clever. That was a shout-out for all the Disney people out there. Clever. I even got that. I'm clever as fuck. I've never even seen the movie.

I've never seen it either. It's for little girls. I have boys. Okay. We watch shit blow up. We're just like, who died? That's better. So one of the things they're talking about he spent a lot

of time talking about how much they spent on a hotel room at one point yeah and i'm just like who gives a fuck they're super rich like the whole last chapter you were just talking about how the queen owns all the money possible yeah right presumably the princess gets some of that money too or some access to it access to it or i'm sorry the prince the prince also also the princess gets some of that money too or some access to it right that's to it or i'm sorry the prince the prince also also the princess well because he's not a princess until no she wasn't she wasn't she wasn't dating the prince anymore they had divorced oh jesus christ i'm so bored already i forgot no i know they had divorced already though the charles and her had divorced and she was dating some prince from our prince or a really rich guy from Saudi Arabia or something.

Yeah, like Faisal Faisal Faisal Faisal. I think that's exactly his name. I think that was his name. Faisal McShizzle or something. It's so boring, though. You don't even remember. Why would you pay attention to it? It's so boring.

Why? Why? The best thing about it is writing fucking song lyrics in response to it. Next time, 19B. I do believe that atheists are parasites in the sense they're benefiting from everything that religious culture has built in America, but they're doing nothing to add energy into the system. So the story comes from the Friendly Atheist blog. This is crazy.

Atheists helped homeless people over Christmas, but Christians online are giving the credit to God. Atheists helped homeless people over Christmas, but Christians online are giving the credit to God. So the Southeast Texas Atheist Helping the Homeless group, which I love the name of that group because it's exactly what they are, right? It's like, my name is Bill and I gave a money to you group. It's such an awkward group. I like the group too. I like it.

Awkward group. Helping the homeless. Yeah. And they wound up giving away, I want to say it was like $750 or something worth of gift cards. Right. And people online were like, hey, that's very Christian of them. And the responses were like, yeah, no, pass.

That's not what's happening here at all. One of the things that's bothersome is when you read these comments, and all these people want to blame God for how good these people are because there are some people who genuinely feel that if you're good, all that good can only come from God. So God is working through you whether you want him to or not. So God non-consensually is working through me. Ouch. I hope it – look, I just hope that he lubed his hands up. Man. Warmed them up ahead of time.

Yeah. Because that grab, that first grab of cold hands. It catches your attention. Unpleasant. Man, and it's a big hand. Unpleasant. That's not... You know, it reminds me... We were talking about this before the show. It reminds me of the... That idea, you know, that like the only time that you can do good is with God, right? And so they want to give thanks to God

because it makes them... I think what happens here is it makes these guys uncomfortable, right? Because the only reason they would do good, or they think that the only reason that they would do good is because they were prescribed to do it by their religious faith, right? Right. And what they don't understand and what I truly believe is they would do good anyway, right? Because it's just – they would probably do good anyway.

And the problem is that they don't understand either themselves their own motivations or the beauty of altruism right as as a value and virtue on its own yeah yeah they probably would do this anyway these are like they're probably fucking good people good people do good things right that's it's a fucking simple concept so hitchens is fond of saying in his debates Let them name one ethical statement made or one ethical action performed by a believer that could not have been uttered or done by a nonbeliever. And here's my second challenge. Can any reader of this column think of a wicked statement made or an evil action performed precisely because of religious faith? And I think it's interesting, right, because it kind of only cuts one way.

It does not cut the other way. There's nothing a religious person can do. There's no good moral ethical action a religious person can do that I can't do. There just simply isn't. I can perform any action from my own justifications, my own moral and ethical justifications, right? I can come up with a secular justification for any good ethical action.

It's easy. It's fucking crazily easy. But all that crazy fucking shit that people do in the name of religiosity, I can't come to that as a secular person, right? And so it really only cuts in the one direction, and not the direction the religious people would be comfortable with, right? And I think something like this and the reaction of the people online really underscores how deeply uncomfortable people are with the idea of altruism as an intrinsic virtue that's part of our human nature. Because if we have that, if we are intrinsically altruistic just in us, right?

And studies show that chimps have altruism and dogs behave altruistically, so it's not even unique to humans. If that's true, then what's the God there for again? Exactly. Suddenly they don't need the thing that they think they've been using ever since. Right. And all those points they've racked up, you know, your high score doesn't matter. Yeah, exactly.

Your high score is washed down. It's like somebody unplugged the Pac-Man machine. You know, your high score doesn't matter. Yeah, exactly. Your high score is washed out. It's like somebody unplugged the Pac-Man machine. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers! I want the truth! You can't handle the truth!

Well, Cecil, it's 2017, buddy. Here we are. And the psychics, it's the beginning, so we do this. We didn't do this last year. Last year was

maybe not our year. But we've done this many years in the past. Our year? it wasn't mine but 2017 uh well fuck it man it's not 2016 and the psychics are at it again they're predicting all their shenanigans um and like we've done many years in the past let's talk a little bit about some of the 2017 predictions these were were posted. On September 9th. Right, of 2016.

So there's already some wins in here. Yeah, I love this. So one of these wins, I love this win. This person gives himself a 10 out of 10 for this prediction. America becomes politically divided between East and West. Riots and gunfights in America over the election results. And turmoil throughout 2017. Friendly, neutral troops from Canada are called in to quell the...

From Canada? Really? From Canada? Really? Hey, guys, would you please cut it out, eh? Hey. Hey, sorry. Sorry.

Sorry about it. I think you should maybe stop shooting at each other. We brought you some Canadian whiskey. We could use it to, I don't know, water down your actual whiskey. Kim Jong-un will fall from power later in the year, maybe December 17 or January of 18. Nope. This is not going to happen. That one. This is not going to happen.

That one feels a little not going to happen. No. I like this one because this isn't even a prediction. Serious threat of escalating conflict between China and India over northern border of Kashmir. Okay. There's a threat of a conflict? Your prediction is that something might happen? It's not even a thing. It's a

threat of a thing. Look at the next one. Sample of Shakespeare's bones exhumed and show that he was poisoned. Clues to a new play found in his grave. What was he working on it late? He's like, I gotta finish this before I get poisoned to death.

Cecil, they didn't find the play. They found clues. They found clues find the play. They found clues. They found clues to his play. So they have to follow like fucking National Treasure, a series of escalatingly difficult fucking treasure hunting clues. Oh, maybe it's up Thomas Jefferson's fucking ass. What are you kidding me? Clues?

What, they buried him with clues? What are they, paw prints? I made a blues clues joke for all the parents out there. Assassination and kidnap attempt on the Pope. Swiss guards killed. With their little pantaloons? I love the Swiss guard. They have like pole arms and they also have like fucking M16s.

I like this last one. 2017 sees the launch of new virtual reality games and cinema. This has hailed as a great cultural leap forward and takes off on a massive scale in the coming years. Its downside is that just like immersive video games, it saps the inspiration for people and further enslaves the mind to materialism. There's a little editorialism in there, right? Fucking tell me what's going to happen. Don't fucking judge me for playing Bioshock. This guy also predicts the crash of the EU

that Denmark and Italy pull out. Italy's never pulled out of anything, by the way. Denmark and... Well, let me rephrase. Italians never pulled out of anything. Not without a court order. Bada bing, bada boom. Hey, forget about it.

Hey, that's for you. I left you a little present. Keep that. Share some with your sister. No, you're supposed to drip it in her mouth. No, you're supposed to drip it in her mouth. But they pull out of the EU and it crashes in 2017. And then it says economic chaos in Europe and America with riots in many European capital,

in many European capital and big cities, Rome, Madrid, Berlin, Paris, and Prague. In these places, many people are suffering serious poverty and food shortages due to the failure of the EU. So, expect that to happen, Marsh. It's never like,

yeah, everything's going to turn out well, 2017, banner year for everyone. It's all like, everything's going to shit out well. 2017, banner year for everyone. It's like it's all like, everything's going to shit. Nobody's like, Leonardo gets another Oscar. So I want to thank our new patrons. Thank you so much, everybody who's donated recently. Joshua, Joseph, David at TheRamblingBlog.com, Joshua, Joseph, David at TheRamblingBlog.com,

Mitch, Sharone, Carter, Jason, Kalen, Christopher, Endwell, Casey, Zabby, Jonathan, DeeDee, Drunken Public, John, a John without an H, BJ, Zach, Mark. Gordon. Robert. Marnus.

Troy. Jean Francois. Tom, you got to say this one because the person wanted you to say it. Soccer doesn't suck. It does, though. It sucks so bad. Tom would say that about every sport, though. I would. So it doesn't matter. Except for the fighty fighty ones be hose terry evan liz stefano shitty zachary beat duck diane the vagina doctor i love that

patrick logan and elizabeth thank you all so very much for your generous donations. In the next week, maybe, we're going to do a test video. We finally got our video set up. We're going to do a test video. We'll let the patrons know when the video is going to go up, and then we'll have a conversation with the patrons. We're going to post something probably ahead of time to let people know when we'll be on, and we'll do a little video. So if you guys want to look at us, that's amazing. It's going to be terrific.

We actually have, I think we've got a really exciting, really cool video set up in here. We really didn't pull a lot of punches. We put together a really nice set up. So we should be able to offer some really interesting content using video in the very near future.

We're going to be trying to do more video content as time goes on, just sort of live shows. We're just going to try to add live shows to the mix. We're going to see what our time looks like and things like that, but we're going to try to do live shows more often and probably do live shows with the video, and it should be a lot of fun. So we got a message.

This is great. This is from Michael. And Michael sent this in. It's an image of Bowser with a Trump head. God damn. We'll post this on this episode's show notes. I think it's a pretty accurate image. It's horrifying.

It's well done. But it scares me. Tom, we got a message that you thought was pretty funny. This is from Craig. Yeah. So Craig sent a message saying that there's going to be a McDonald's in the Vatican. He said, so basically, and by the way, Cardinal Pell is still in residence there. And I guess he's now the prefect of the Secretariat of the Economy.

What the fuck? I don't know. How does that even fit on a business card? I'm the prefect of the Secretariat of the Economy. Economy of what? Your tiny little penis state? So basically, an accused pedophile hiding in a

secretive micro state has apparently approved the opening of a kid magnet fast food joint close to his office. I love it. No, you don't want to grab the balls from the playpen. Whatever you do. We got an image.

This was the Saturday evening post image for Hitler. Little Hitler. What was that? January 25th when? 1943? Something like that. So we're going to post an image of this. It's Little Hitler.

Thank you, Horatio. He's adorbs. So that's going to wrap it up for this week. We hope you enjoyed the toaster shakens from last year. I had a lot of fun putting that together. It was a lot of fun. And we're going to be on

stage next week. Actually, later this week, because that's when this releases. We'll be on stage with the GAM crew in Chicago. Tickets are still on sale. They should be when this releases. I don on stage with the GAM crew in Chicago. Tickets are still on sale. They should be when this releases. I don't think that they'll be completely sold out.

They're almost sold out. They're close. They're getting close. So if you want tickets, it's kind of go time. It's go time. And I think it's going to be a lot of fun. I've done so much work preparing for this. Well, that's going to wrap it up for this week.

We're going to leave you. You won't even dignify that. Skeptic's creed. The only work Tom has ever done, and it's terrible. I didn't even do it for the show. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter,

mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures. Detox. Reflex. Foot massage.

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