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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock.
Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended.
The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance.
Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way.
We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad.
It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome at it.
This is episode 367 of cognitive dissonance and a little
later on in this episode we'll be joined by oh no we're not trying to know everybody we're gonna be
no no you know i'm a little confused cecil is because we're recording back to back possibly
to back to back that's a three-way of back to back to back that's ass to ass to ass that's
like every man's dream it's like a human centipede again every man's dream. It's like a human centipede. Again, every man's dream.
Right?
It's just, that's not just me.
No, that's just me.
I'm just saying.
Nobody wants to be in the middle of that human centipede.
I've jerked off a lot to that movie.
Nobody wants to be in the middle of the human centipede.
I have not, you know what movie I'll never actually watch is fucking human centipede.
Delicious.
No.
It's just gross.
It's a gross out movie.
It really is.
It's like, you know what it is? It's like Garbage Pail Kids, the horror movie. Sure. Yeah. it's a gross out movie it really is it's it's like uh you know
what it is it's like garbage pale kids the horror movie sure yeah it's a gross out it's like i ate
a booger like all right it's fucking what what fuck no it's really what it is it's a gross out
you know yeah what i was what is the purpose of that i don don't know. But there's a sequel. There's a sequel. Is that when they...
The human millipede.
They put armor on their...
They armor their backs.
It's like a biting scorpion or something.
Very end. I would be actually
more interested if they had
a whole series, but every time they
formed them into different insects.
It'd be cool if they did them in Voltron.
Where there's one guy and he's fisting and two girls and then he's footsie and two other
girls that's a thing i'm wearing like a boot
and they don't have to be girls i mean you can have a stretchy anus and be a dude she's like a snowshoe out here right we don't want to be we don't want to be uh
gender uh absolutely telling you no it could be and you also don't want to confuse gender with
sex so i will come oh i swear to god i swear to god i will fucking kill you i i will never do
this again but i i amusingly i have been having a facebook fight with somebody and i'm going to
bore you guys with it although i I will not read it to you.
But I had absolutely no idea
until this, what I had
hoped would be a productive dialogue
and instead turned into a
nonsensical garbage word
salad. I had absolutely
no idea that
it was super fucking important when talking
about trans people and trans issues
to draw a fucking super hard line between sex and gender and then never cross that line and then insist upon the fact of trans people being somehow necessarily representative of a patriarchal system of oppression or something.
I got a little lost in the conversation because it didn't make any sense.
I swear I've never done anything
less productive with my life than what I've
spent the last day and a half doing on Facebook.
Facebook arguing, right?
It was astonishingly unproductive.
So you're saying that you didn't get
anything out of the
Facebook argument you got into.
I sent Eli a message that said,
I don't know how you do this. I'm going to go home
and commit suicide in front of my children. It was, it was absolutely maddening. And when I went into it,
this is the part where you can make fun of me. The naivete with which I went into this, right.
Was, um, you know, I made an off color joke on my Facebook page and somebody like blasted me for
being like a rape apologist and all this nasty shit. And I was like, you know, I'm going to go into this and I'm going
to try to be like fair
and sincere and open-minded
and I'm not even going to assert a position.
I'm just going to ask questions about their position
and try to really understand.
I was like, I'm just going to really try to understand.
You're going to Anthony Magna Bosco this shit.
I got just nowhere.
I think I went backwards somehow.
You went in Anthony Magna Bosco and you came out Peter Bogosian.
I finished it up.
I sat down.
I put my head in my hands and I wrote a paper about the conceptual penis.
I was just, I was like, that's it.
I'm on the other side.
I don't even know what side I'm on.
I don't even know what side I'm on.
I couldn't even get them to choose.
The people I was arguing with, I couldn't even get them to declare a position.
They were so slippery that they simply refused to declare a position.
That's called Facebook.
It was maddening.
I don't know why these people are my friends.
I don't ever do this.
I just, as soon as somebody starts to argue, I'm just like, I just don't care.
Like, I genuinely don't want to talk to you.
That's why I don't get into arguments on Twitter either.
When people jump on Twitter and they want to say some shitty thing to me, I'm just like, yeah, I'll talk about it on the show.
When I can actually speak the words instead of typing out 140 quick characters at a time.
It was like epically depressing, actually.
Speaking of epically depressing.
We recorded yesterday.
We did.
And this show is either going to be releasing on Thursday
or the following week on Monday.
Did you see the president's tweets today
about Scarborough?
No.
Oh my gosh.
So the president today,
I'm just going to have you read these.
I spent my whole day
fighting with idiots on Facebook.
It's either idiots on Facebook or, Tom,
it's idiots on Twitter.
Or it's idiots in the White House.
Well, they're also on Twitter.
All right.
What do you say?
So he says, I heard poorly rated Morning Joe speaks badly of me.
Parentheses.
I don't watch anymore.
Close parentheses.
Then how come low IQ crazy Mika?
That's his wife or fiance.
I'm not sure if they're married or not.
Along with Psycho Joe came to Mar-a-Lago
three nights ago or three nights in a row around New Year's Eve and insisted on joining
me.
She was bleeding badly from a facelift.
I said no.
Oh, what is this about?
What is happening?
It's him insulting a woman for having a face, having a facelift.
What, what, what's his deal with Morning Joe?
Who cares, right?
Morning Joe must have said something bad about him
and it got back to him.
And now he wants to publicly blast somebody about it
for her appearance.
This is the President of the United States.
Yes.
The President of the United States
won't have dinner with somebody or won't give somebody the time of day if they are post-surgical?
Or is it?
Are you saying that she needs to go in a red tits or something?
Like, what exactly?
Like, what are the rules around this?
Like, she's bad because she got the facelift?
Is that the thing?
Because this is a guy who only values women that are beautiful.
Right.
I think I think he's saying that she's old.
I think that's a that's a comment about being old.
She's an old lady.
She's an old, ugly lady who needs surgery, surgery to look pretty.
I think that's what he's saying.
Said Donald Trump.
Sure.
Yeah.
He's seriously one of the least attractive human beings that's ever been alive in all the history.
He has giant pussy eyes.
human beings that's ever been alive in all the history he has giant pussy eyes he has he has got a a soft shitty shitty body yeah with a soft shitty shitty mind you know like it's one thing
if you're if like you know maybe he's a sharp guy and he's interesting and he's charismatic and like
you know that can go a little way toward yeah Yeah, you can call women ugly then, sure. Oh, Jesus Christ.
What?
It's still, I mean, you can, you can, actually, you can.
As long as they laugh about it.
As long as they chuckle, yeah.
But God, there's just nothing to write.
And he's going to go after her for...
This is the president of the United States.
He's a classy guy.
Writing this out.
Yeah, it's classy.
On a vehicle that he uses to disseminate public information of real import.
That's another thing, right?
He uses Twitter as his vehicle to communicate with the world,
to communicate with the public, to communicate the world.
And he's also going to be pissy about a woman's facelift.
And Lindsey Graham tweeted at the president, and I don't like Lindsey Graham.
First off, he's from a garbage state and he's a garbage human.
But he said, Mr. President, your tweet was beneath the office and represents what is wrong with American politics, not the greatness of America.
Outstanding.
Yeah.
But there's a lot of people, a lot of Republicans sort of standing up and saying, oh, that's a shitty thing to do.
And I'm thinking, where were you when he was grabbing pussies?
Yeah.
Well, where were you casting votes for him?
Where were you when he was like totes cool with the grabbing of the pussy and saying... Do you think there's
a little rats running off the ship action
going on here? I don't know.
I mean, because, you know,
they couldn't get their health care bill passed. Yeah.
And they didn't, I mean, all they needed
was, they didn't need bipartisan support
for it. Actually, I saw an interesting article
today that said, like, Mitch McConnell
threatens to get
bipartisan support if Republicans
don't get in line. And I thought like, how, how incredibly indicative is this of American
politics? When you have to, if you don't, if you guys don't all come on the same team,
then we'll just have to play nice with other people. You don't want that. Do you? You don't
want us to also what, what Democrats are going to be like, sure. Yeah. Right. You can't want that, do you? You don't want us to. Also, what Democrats are going to be like, sure.
Yeah, right.
You can't get all the Republicans on board.
What Democrats are going to be like, you know, and I do want to commit political suicide.
And why don't I just take this fucking pill and shoot myself in the face while standing on a bridge with a bag over my head?
Also, it's going to take him forever to sort of do do do do do to walk it across the aisle.
It's just going to be like it's going to be like 45 minutes.
You're neglecting the other option like the Republican health health care bill basically gets rid of health care.
So it could just write on one piece of paper called no and then fold it into a paper airplane and throw it across the aisle.
I think what I think what Mitch McConnell is thinking is slow and steady wins the race.
Can you imagine if he wore a turtleneck?
Can you imagine?
It wouldn't cover the goiter or whatever
is on the bottom of his chin.
For him, it would just be a neck.
He's always wearing a turtleneck.
When he dies,
someone's going to make a soup out of that guy.
I think we better split up.
Good idea.
Yeah, we can do more damage that way.
I love this story.
This comes from the BBC.c uh coins thrown into bliss so much to talk about here actually really coins thrown
into plane engine by elderly passenger for luck i'm just gonna read the whole thing because it's
so short uh superstitious elderly passenger delayed a flight in shanghai after throwing
coins at the engine for good luck the The 80-year-old woman threw her
change at the
China Southern Airlines flight as
she crossed the tarmac to board. She told
police she launched the coins as she prayed
for safety. Of the nine
coins she launched, only one
hit its target, but this was enough to force
the evacuation. I love that part, too.
Force the evacuation of 150
passengers. What a wuss arm. Force the evacuation of 150 passengers.
What a wuss arm.
Jesus Christ.
All right.
So she's a Buddhist.
She chucked a bunch of shit.
There's a picture of like all these technicians.
Inside of an engine.
Inside the engine.
Like fucking bitch threw coins in our engine.
Yeah.
They didn't say this, but right afterwards,
she walked up to the plane
and gave it a pinch to grow an inch oh my god you know and then when they took her inside and
they were going to bring her up in the in the elevator she had to sacrifice a chicken first
to the elevator just to make sure she could go up to the top the wright brothers actually
little known fact that their first airplane was made of wood. The only reason it flew is because somebody
knocked on it first.
Up until then, they're like, they're building these perfectly
structurally sound machines.
Oh, there you go.
There you go.
I love the idea that for luck,
you're going to throw metal junks
into a finally tuned
jet engine.
Maybe you could do with
like, could you throw a gold fish, like a koi
fish or something in there?
Some of the ends you could just
just choose it up like a duck or something.
What has ever been improved
by hurling little metal
pieces at?
Like, hey, I'm going to use my garbage
disposal. I do think
fountains with a lot of
coins in it can look pretty. They can,
but I guess they also ruin the fountains.
They have to get them
out of the... I read a whole thing.
A lot of those fountains,
especially little lagoons and things,
they're totally ruined by the coins.
The coins leach all these metals
into the water. They damage the structure of the fountains.
They have to come and get them out of there.
It's like a big pain in the ass.
They deserve it.
Do they use the coins to pay for it, though?
Does it offset the cost that they use all the coins to offset the cost of all the environmental damage?
I think it would be great if you had a beautiful fountain and you just wrote quarters only.
Don't throw some fucking pennies up in this pig fuck off that would really piss me off if i was waiting to get on oh i would fucking lose my mind it's like you fucking crazy bitch
chucked a bunch of money is there another plane that i could get on i don't want to be on with
this person right turns out it's only 25 cents too you know i didn't in a non-related story um but i
didn't put it in the notes but there was an airplane uh that was the one of the uh engines
this week and one of the engines fucking blew it up on the airplane explodinated yeah and the pilot
came i was like i think you guys need to pray and asked everybody to pray and the thing shook like a
washing machine
for like the two or three hours.
It's over the ocean.
It's like the two or three hours
until it landed perfectly safely.
I would fill my seat.
I would fill my seat.
If the captain comes out and says...
I would fill my seat.
Pray.
I would be like,
you're going to need a new seat.
You know what I would do?
Regardless of whether or not this plane crashes,
you will need a new seat. I have damaged your not this plane crashes, you will need a new seat.
I have damaged your airplane.
I apologize for sitting next to me,
but I have filled my seat.
I offer you this clothespin.
You know how the seats come off
and they can be used as a flotation device
and like a cushion or whatever?
I would be covered in those like the fucking
Michelin man. He'd knock at people out of their
seats to take their shit. I'll tell you what,
I could guarantee in an airplane of that size
there's at least eight or nine people I can
take your seat. Like, I
am taking the cushion. I am covering
myself in cushions.
I hate flying as it is. I would be
I would be fucking inconsolable
for fucking two hours. I'd be just I'd be a nervous wreck. Yeah is i would be i would be fucking inconsolable for fucking that two hours i'd be
i'd be just i'd be a nervous wreck yeah i would be an absolute nervous i think anybody i don't
mind flying at all yeah but i'm not gonna pretend i'd be blasé about it if the cab if an engine
blows up and then the airplane shakes like a washing machine oh my god pilot comes on and
ask for people to pray it's's like, what, what,
what that,
why?
It's going to,
our,
our happy thoughts are going to hold this thing in the air.
That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.
Oh God.
Hey,
we're going to Australia.
I'm taking a boat.
I'm taking a Xanax.
Jesus.
Yeah.
It's me too.
I'm just going to like,
if that's the case,
I'd just be like,
cool,
I'm going to sleep.
And I'd take as many as I had.
I'd be like, yeah,
just to have somebody waiting for me.
Right.
I'm just going to take them all now.
I'll take,
I'll just have this bottle of Xanax.
God, man, that's brutal.
It's so scary.
It's probably terrifying.
And I thought,
probably some bitch
threw a coin in that fucking thing.
She's like in China.
She just throws it in the air.
Kung fu hustle style.
And it flies all the way through the stars and the lands.
She sees it.
I'm like,
because there's nothing but death and refuse and direct them.
No life can come out of the rectum.
The rectum is designed to get rid of death and waste.
It's designed for that one purpose, and the
sodomites are cheering on
and praising the rectum.
All right, this story is from the Friendly Atheist blog.
It really just links
to Right Wing Watch, but sometimes
I get tired of trolling
Right Wing Watch.
So I found it from
Hammond's site over at Friendly Atheist.
This is Dave coach.
Doc coach.
Not a coach.
Dobbin Meyer, Christian activist.
Atheist teachers are telling kids homo sex is normal.
Hmm.
Homo sex.
I'm sure that's exactly how they say it, too.
Hey, kids, you got to have your homo sex.
Do you want to do the homo sex?
Nobody wants to do the homo.
When you phrase it like that.
This is not a coach.
I wish you would join me in hating what they're doing to our children in school.
I wish you'd join me.
Can we get our five minute hate on?
Can we all join together in hate?
Is that possible?
Did none of us read the dystopian novels?
Can we get our five minute hate on now?
Oh, wait.
No, that's actually
satirically written. Oh, all right.
I hate it, man. I absolutely
hate what they're doing. Not only to my
kids, I hate what they're doing to other kids.
Why are you sending your kids to public school?
You're fucking always talking about...
Yeah, shouldn't they homeschool? Right?
Shouldn't they send them to a private Christian school
at least? Yeah, something like that. I hate it.
Are we allowed to do that?
I think we're allowed to.
See, right now, today,
in 2017,
they're misleading children
in our schools, and we don't hate it.
Who doesn't hate it? All the Christian
lunatics, they hate sex ed.
That must be what he's talking about.
It's gotta be, yeah. They hate sex ed.
That's why they don't have it in like
all those garbage states south of
the Mason-Dixon. Man,
I remember not having
sex ed until, I had it in
fifth grade and it was pretty
pretty, you know, like
cursory
in fifth grade. Yeah.
And then I had it again
in freshman year. I only had it in high
school i didn't have it all until then yeah i had it i went to fifth grade and then i had it
in freshman year we went to this place called the robert crown center we did that too when i was in
like middle school yeah we did that it was like one day of like don't get an std well i just
remember going there the robert crown center isn't it about, this is what a baby looks like at 10 weeks old.
Yeah, it's stuff like that.
Yeah.
Is there an anti-abortion place?
No, not at all.
It's actually a pretty good place.
Okay.
But yeah, it was like a one day like, you know, babies are hard.
Probably shouldn't get one.
STDs suck.
Babysuck.org.
Generally speaking, this is how it works.
But it wasn't like sex ed.
It was more like reproduction.
I should run that one. Babysuck.org. Babysuck. Babysuck. And it wasn't like sex ed. It was more like reproduction. I just have one.
It's like babies suck.
Babies suck.
And they show up like babies suck.
And they just invite all the kids from the school to come there.
And then they just show up and be like, don't have babies.
They suck.
And then just show shitty videos of kids being shitty for an hour.
And then take that sweet public school money from them.
That's sweet, sweet public school money.
Someone should make that. Robert
Crown Center should buy that and use that
as a redirect to their... Like after their
sex ed thing, just be like, okay. And if anybody
has any more questions, just go ahead and visit us at
Babysuck.com.
Babysuck could probably be a child
porn site too. I'm leaving that.
I'm deleting this search history.
Delete the search history.
I'm going to smash my iPad with a hammer.
This is what they're teaching, those homo teachers.
I can promise you this.
The Lord hates it.
I promise you this.
The Lord hates those who are indoctrinating little children.
No, he doesn't.
No, he doesn't.
No, he doesn't.
He loves it.
It's not real.
Well, that's what you do.
That's what churches do.
Oh, indoctrinating kids? That's what you do. How, he like like that's what you do. Like that's what churches do. Oh, indoctrinating kids. Like that's what you do. How could he hate?
How could your imaginary guy hate what you like? I don't understand. You made him up.
That's why you're a pastor. That's your job. Literally your only job.
It's all you do. Like, what do you do? I don't know. I'm a youth pastor.
So I thought I'd indoctrinate children. lord into sodomize sodomizing i can't sodomizing them no into sodomites wait do you
do that by wait go back i don't know what's is there a method we have to pull startup how does
this work i can promise you the lord hates that he hates it no question we need to ask ourselves
is why don't we if we love the things the lord loves
we should hate the things that he hates why don't we hate that right and the lord loves savory and
we should love savory i think this is i think lord loves stoning people to death for minor
infractions we should love that too we should we should love what's wrong with us the lord doesn't
like fucking shrimp scampi and neither should we i like like shrimp scampi. No! The Lord doesn't like it.
God damn it, it's delicious. God damn it.
Fuck. The Lord likes boxes
of a certain type and size.
I like a tight box. He likes it.
No, it's different. We're talking like 30 inches
wide and shit. Whoa, whoa. That's a fucking
30 inches. That's a glowworm
cave right there. Can we go back down
to millimeters? You can put a fucking
gondola in that thing. Are you kidding
me? Jesus. Fucking
intimidating. Gotta bring a
friend. Gotta bring a lot.
Gotta rappel into it.
See, God doesn't just hate. I'm gonna
tell you this.
He just doesn't hate the atheists.
He hates those of us who allow
atheists to teach lies to our children so why don't you just why
don't you take all your kids out of school and teach them in your little weird church right
problem solved i don't like what you do well uh no one's making you come here you have options
you clearly exercise your fucking options he clearly has options now if he's poor if he's
if he can't afford
to take his kids to a church
because that costs too much money
maybe find a new church
yeah I was going to say you know maybe
ask for assistance from your church
should just do that
like if it's that important to the fucking church
why not make that part of their central mission
sure
because that's the bullshit of it. Right. If it were really that important
to the church, then they would make it a fucking mission and they would find a way to fund it.
Sure. Right. They would not. Oh, they would do scholarships. They would do a hundred things.
And I know some do. They would do a hundred things to raise money if they really thought
that this was the most important thing. But they don't, man. They kids on fucking mission trips to africa to go evangelize a bunch of people
there if it was important every kid in the congregation would go for free right it would
if it was important to be the most important thing exactly he said love the little children
suffer the children to come into me for that such are the kingdom of god the innocence and purity of
a little child yeah they love that they always check the freshness date on all those kids.
Best if used by age 11.
Best if used by Pastor Brown.
And the devil and his team are constantly trying to rip the innocence out of the heart of those little kids.
And it's going on with our approval.
And we're warned all throughout the scripture.
If you let that continue, you're in sin.
If you let that what?
Continue when you're in sin.
Okay. I missed it, Tom.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
I fucking totally missed it because that's not a word.
Yeah. No. You just got to start saying
continue and then say sin and then go
back to continue. Okay. Got it.
Am I missing something here?
You're not in a stadium. We're supposed to love these
wicked people? Supposed to love the pedophiles?
Wait. Who loves pedophiles?
Don't you guys love pedophiles?
Aren't they your priests or whatever?
Do you guys like fucking high-fiving them every week and giving them money?
I feel like there's a huge difference between teaching kids safe sex and not condemning them for choosing to have a consensual adult sexual partner when they're adults and pedophilia.
I feel like there's a wide fucking
gulf there. Feels like
might be stretching it there.
Like the pedophiles, actually. You'll be stretching it if you go
after the little ones. Supposed to love
the people, the teachers in public schools
that are teaching our kids homosex is
normal? We're supposed to love that?
No way.
No way!
What is wrong with us?
Give him a chance
to repent. Go find
another job, dude. He ain't
doing that to our kids, dude.
Who are you referring to?
He seems like he's got somebody very specific
in mind here. Actually, you're just gonna sit
back and take it.
I sent my kids to Montessori
school. Who knows? They're probably teaching
them how to have a fucking threesome at this point.
Montessori school?
Is that New Zealand?
The Montessori's in New Zealand?
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So this is right wing watch FRC warns Obama running anti-Christian shadow
government from his mansion command center.
So I like this.
I like this a lot.
FRC is a family research council,
by the way.
I like this because this is an email. Yeah, which is how old people get their news.
It's a chain letter.
It is.
It really is.
It's an e-chain letter, which means that it's seriously only going to go to your fucking 93-year-old uncle.
Sure.
Like your fucking dad who doesn't know how to use the internet.
It's like, I log on to my electronic mailings.
When was the last time you read an email that was information based like this
gosh it's years at this point right oh my god a decade yeah you asked that question my brain
literally flatlined a decade at least 2007 yeah fuck i'd be hardpressed to find an email in my in my
archive
that has something like this
in there that wasn't, like you say, a foreword
from somebody who I just rolled my eyes at.
Yeah, this is, you know, fucking Aunt Mildred's
fucking foreword.
Other than, hey, check this
out, and it'll also have Snopes.
Or a link, right? Just a link to something.
I know. There's not, I mean, sorry, let me read
part of this email. How Obama's
shadow government threaten
your values, not threatens,
threaten, from only
about two miles from the White
House. From White House.
I mean, we're just going to read it.
This is going to be written badly. Might as well read it badly
too, right? Ex-President Obama
is out of office, but after six months,
he's still a serious threat to your religious freedom?
Wasn't he on vacation for a big chunk of it?
He even purchased a mansion command center.
When you go on the MLS listing,
do you have to click a box for command center?
I know it's like Central Air.
Townhouse.
How many bedrooms?
No, it's under one of the main. So it's like condo,
townhouse.
Yeah. A lot for sale.
Command center.
Mountain lair. Like they're all on there.
Can you just pick Minuteman missile silo
and live there? Yeah, but it's under advanced search.
Oh, okay. Gotcha.
So he purchased a mansion command center with a walk-in.
This is the White House.
I don't know what.
He had to walk over there and do what?
Like knock on the door?
The White House isn't like a factory you can sabotage.
I know, right?
Like what are you going to do?
Like bring your soapbox and your old-timey megaphone out there and be like,
X-Tree, X-Tree, read all about it.
What is in a mansion command center?
A bat cave?
Yeah.
Is he Bruce Wayne?
Oh, maybe he has a pole that he slides down
and then he runs the sewers to the White House.
I don't know.
Climbs up.
I just don't know.
Does he eat a lot of pizza?
Is he really good with nunchucks?
It would be awesome if he had like the boat
that Bruce Wayne had that would like,
like that little boat.
I know what you mean.
Like one-seater boat that he's like,
brr, brr, brr, brr, driving around in. Oh, God. If Obama had one of those that ran through that like one seater boat that is like driving around it.
Oh God.
If Obama had one of those
that ran through the sewers
of D.C.
He'd be killing it.
Oh God.
He would look good
in that boat too.
I bet you would.
He'd make it look dashing
as fuck.
Yeah, for sure.
His political right arm
Valerie Jarrett
moved in with the family
to continue the Obama
post-presidency influence.
From that location
he can work to undermine
President Trump
and according to
former Attorney General
Eric Holder
he's ready to roll.
And what Washington analysts described as a soft coup, because nobody noticed it, maybe if you blow on it a little bit.
Barack Obama.
Just boil it a little longer.
You know what I mean?
If it's a soft coup, boil it another six minutes.
It'd be a hard-boiled coup in no time.
Right?
another six minutes.
It'd be a hard-boiled coup in no time.
Right?
Barack Obama and his operatives,
both outside and inside
the government,
are participating in activities
to derail conservative policies,
including recent gains
made on behalf of faith,
family, and freedom.
I'm not sure what those would be.
And their war chest is bulging
with millions of dollars
from the likes of,
guess it,
George Soros,
Hollywood moguls,
just generally, and liberal.com CEO.
Yeah, because of the dot-com boom, Tom.
Yeah.
That's what it's from.
We're afraid of technology, said the email I just got.
That's so great.
It's just so crazy, man.
I love how crazy this is because they have been talking about this this sort of shadow government right
and the command center because they keep talking about how he's living in washington dc like that's
some like his proximity to washington matters yeah that's you know that's a good point right
what is his physical proximity he could be in a white he could be in a tree house yeah in the
white house lawn yeah isn't running isn't't running an anti-Christian shadow government something you can do from home anyway?
You can do it from Colorado.
You can smoke some bud in the morning, get up, go to your fucking computer in your slippers,
and do some anti-Christian shadow government stuff all day.
This is a job I can do from home.
Alright, so this story is good news, bad news.
It is, though.
It's bad news for a lot of people.
Bad news that it had to happen.
Good news that it happened.
Bad news that it didn't happen everywhere.
It makes me sad.
As from the AP, Jordan to cancel, quote, marry the victim clause, shielding rapists.
Let me describe this for you. Because marry the victim clause is a real sad Santa Claus.
It's a serious sad.
It's a really sad.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
You don't want to go to the workshop for that one.
You don't want to stay away from the workshop if you can avoid it.
Oh, my God.
Don't go to the land of misfit toys.
I'm really bad place.
That guy says he wants to be a dentist.
He's using a lot of gas on you, but you're not going to wake up with a pearly white smile.
Oh, oh, oh.
Anyway, go on.
This is disgusting.
So here's how this clause works.
If somebody rapes you and then they agree later to marry you, then they get off scot-free, basically.
But then, crazily, they can like marry you and then later that day
deny you access to their home and then just let you free out of the wild yeah you know if you
love something set it free tom if you rape something marry it and then set it free jesus
good lord this is a monstrous monstrous clause now on the one hand, it's good, I guess,
that Jordan's like, yeah, fuck that shit.
It's like in this kingdom.
Let me just say, we still have kingdoms.
Actual kingdoms.
There's a king in a kingdom
because it's still the past,
I guess, in Jordan.
In the kingdom of Jordan,
this is looked at as a reform.
And I guess it is a reform.
It's a reform in the kingdom of Jordan, this is looked at as a reform. And I guess it is a reform. It's a reform in the sense that
if somebody
shot in an outhouse
and then they're like, hey, we got a
flushie, that would be a reform.
But it's not a great step
forward. It's like
a bare
minimum. It's
less than a bare minimum. It's disgusting it's less than a bare minimum to eat it's disgusting but i i do
want to say like the marry the victim clause has been revealed repealed in egypt and morocco
but it remains on the books in tunisia lebanon syria libya kuwait iraq bahrain, Algeria, and the Palestinian territories.
For fuck's sake, what?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah, no, I mean, like, that's just fucking, and these are countries, a lot of these countries are following the Sharia law.
They must all.
They must all be.
Yeah.
They must all be. Because how else that and i and i mean this i mean
this question sincerely how does that train of thought work well well i mean if you don't have
it's okay if you don't have that as your as your weird law written from a long time ago how do you
get there nowadays there's nobody there's nobody today sitting down in a room being like let's make
a new country right and saying okay well what do we do with rape is okay so i know we sort of covered the economy we sort of designed the
money already but let's just talk about rape now if i rape somebody and i marry them afterwards
can i get off scot-free is that cool i mean like no i don't know how that comes up like i mean like marrying the person you raped
is fucking just it's like it's like meaner than raping them yeah right it's like well i mean you
could marry her that'll make it better how would it make it better for this woman yeah you just
raped her now you fucking in these countries now you own her too so what so now you can rape her more if you want it's crazy too because people can like the reason
why uh they're they're worried about this is because people can die can get killed by like
their family members after they get raped and these honor right and these honor killings so
after after you get raped by your brother-in-law
they can like your family can find out and if they don't like get married like they don't get
married that's how they shield them right they don't marry them afterwards and they're like okay
well then they just die they just get beaten to death or killed right and at one point it says
they're talking about uh some of these countries it says a one provision lightens punishment if a
man kills his wife or another female relative
for allegedly having sex outside of marriage.
Another article says that a convicted killer
could receive as little as one year in prison
if he acts in a state of great fury
resulting from unlawful or a dangerous act by the victim.
If the victim's family drops a complaint,
even that one year minimum can be cut in half.
Some perpetrators in Jordan have been jailed for as little as six months for killing a daughter or a sister.
What the fuck?
That only that only applies during women's season, though.
Like if you get a tag for them, then you're cool.
But if you don't, if you if you hunt outside of season, then you get.
If you have a shield and magic helmet.
I know, God.
That's how you do it, right?
The problem is that these women, I mean, if they hadn't taken that wrong turn at Albuquerque,
they'd have been just fine.
For sure.
But there's so much other stuff.
There's another part of this article where it says the judge cited the case of the 15-year-old
who was raped by her sister's husband.
At the pregnant teen's request, the judge approved the marriage
between the rapist and his victim.
And this is like you were talking about earlier.
The rapist escaped punishment
and expelled his new wife from his home
on the day of his wedding,
leaving her to fend for herself and her child,
the judge said.
This is unbelievable.
Like, first off,
it's kind of a blessing in some way.
But then some of these women
get stuck in detention centers because they have to have a man come let them out of it.
All right. Yeah. And then they just don't.
And then the managers like and then they don't tell the guys because they're like, yeah, I was raped.
And then they get killed for it.
So instead, they'd rather stay in jail where they at least get to keep breathing instead of going home to their relatives.
The people are supposed to love them because they might get killed by them and this isn't a country that just enacted a reform
a reform yeah that's it oh what happens now i you know i thought about this what happens now okay
so now the marry the victim clause is gone right but the? But these women were agreeing to these marriages
to marry their rapist
so that their family wouldn't kill them.
Well, if you remove that,
are you not now going to have more honor killings?
It looks like you're paving the way for it, right?
So although this is being touted as a reform,
I don't know, but might it not cause more suffering?
There's a possibility
it's it's like it's almost like it's almost like designing a system called how do we maximize the
suffering of women exactly culture how can we do to make it as miserable as fucking possible is
there a stepladder to the patriarchy somewhere because i want to climb it it's a horrifying
over there in the name of Jesus, we speak that. Oh, Ramana Shandakarabha.
This makes me laugh so much.
This is from theoutline.com.
The Catholic Church is freaking out about fidget spinners.
So this cracked me up. So fidget spinners, for anybody who doesn't know,
it's basically a little fucking toy.
You hold the center of it
yeah it's got a bearing in it and some weighted do-odgers and they spin around in a circle right
and so fucking kids just absolutely lose their fucking minds over them because it's the fucking
pet rock of 2017 it's the beanie baby right it's their generation it's this generation's beanie
baby it's this generation's pet rock yeah right right so uh all the kids fucking love these things
and i guess a bunch of enterprising
uh symbol driven catholics were like well look at the fidget spinner it's got the three posts
and it spins around its central axis and you know this really is a good representation
for the holy trinity a concept which makes no sense sure and that we're saddled with
and we need desperately some way we need some metaphor to explain it. Right. And this is a great metaphor for them.
It is kind of an okay metaphor.
Sure.
Right?
Like as visual representations
of a nonsensical concept go.
Absolutely, right?
This is a decent one.
Absolutely.
Except that some people think it's not.
Yeah, some people are mad about it.
They're so mad about it.
And I wanted to read,
I think it'd be fun to read
some of the complaints people have.
So Toy Adams says, I know, right?
His name's Toy Adams.
Toy.
And you're complaining about a toy.
He's projecting.
Right?
To compare the Trinity to a fidget spinner, as with the shamrock, is to commit the heresy of partialism.
Partialism?
Meaning like you only believe in the one part of the Trinity,
but you have to believe in all of them, but they're separate, but they're one. But that's
the problem with the Trinity. It doesn't make any sense. Fidget spinners are at least real.
I love Julia Sweeney in her book, Letting Go of God, when she talks about how, how silly the Trinity is and like how,
you know,
that is one of those,
those,
those moments where you just realize you're like,
let's talk about the mystery of the Trinity.
When they talk about that just means I'm going to make up some bullshit.
Yeah.
Well,
you know,
and that's,
and that's in here too.
It says,
um,
for undercuts the full divinity of each person.
So as to indicate that each are only one part of a three-part God,
the Trinity is a glorious mystery. Let that be enough.'s like i love that it's like look i don't understand it
yeah you don't understand it no one will ever understand it stop trying to make sense of it
with toys yeah like it i mean it it's it's tremendous it's i'm mad that you're getting
closer to making something make sense because it has a ball bearing in the center of it.
Well, I think it's one of the things that we're talking about in this article, too, is that these guys don't like it because, you know, they're talking about how they don't like it because they're used.
The kids are doing it in their congregations and whatnot.
And it's making all these old priests really upset by it.
And they write in and they talk And it's making all these old priests really upset by it. And they write in and they talk about
it. And I think it's just that they're just mad
because, you know, the pet rock
was used to nail
Jesus to the cross. And they
want to go back to those days.
You know? I like this too. While some
argue that the fidget's spinning motion
makes it a more effective illustrative tool
since it can so better
capture the dynamic movement,
equality and relationship with a Godhead opposing contingencies.
I love this.
Maintain that quote.
When you try to talk about God,
you soon end up being a heretic.
Oh no,
just don't even talk about it.
It's super confusing.
None of us have a good answer for it.
Don't even mention it.
God,
the Trinity is a fucking concept that makes no sense at all.
Do you were Catholic, right?
Did you grow up Catholic?
Yeah.
Did they address the Trinity in any meaningful way?
I never asked any questions about it.
I was too stupid to ask questions.
I never asked questions about it.
Just took it for what it was.
I didn't think about it.
Because the Trinity itself, as I understood it as a kid,
I just understood.
I always thought God and Jesus were separate people.
I always thought, I never thought that they were the same person.
Like when I was growing up and I thought about God, I never once thought God and Jesus were exactly the same.
I never, ever once thought that.
I know that, I always said that's the son of God.
Like I, and I know that they teach you that they're the same thing, right?
They're all the same thing.
But it's like in my head, I could never reconcile that.
So I just omitted it.
I would just be like, no, they're different.
Like God and Jesus are two separate entities.
And I guess I always thought of it the same way.
And I'm the Holy Ghost.
And I don't even know what that is.
So I never even considered it.
Well, isn't the Holy Ghost just the thing that impregnated Mary?
I don't know. i'm actually that was blueberry
jesus comes out the cords around his neck he's blue it's like god damn it blueberry
you motherfucker count choculas over there in the corner no but uh but uh but yeah i know i never
knew what the holy ghost was so i never thought about it and for me it was always jesus and god
are separate they're two separate things you know he made a thing to be his son his son came down
was did all the stuff and then was sent back to heaven and he's another thing because they always
talk about it right at the right hand. I never
thought of him as the same thing. So for me,
this whole, you know, three things
in one never made any sense to me anyway. So I just
omitted it out of my head. I was like, I don't know. That doesn't make any
sense. I just won't think it. Because I guess
like, I don't, I genuinely don't understand
it at all. I grew up
Methodist and they don't really talk about it. They don't
have a Trinity. But it also, I felt
like the same lack of clarity existed in our version of version of this set of events right it's like jesus comes down
he's the son of god and he has magic powers yeah so he's kind of a demigod but they don't call him
that and and and i mean how is it still a a one god religion i he's fucking, he's the Hercules of the Jews.
Right.
You know what I mean? Like,
like he's,
he's part human,
part God.
You know what I mean?
Like that's what I would,
that's what I always thought of him as.
I always thought of him as,
as a guy who's partially God,
partially human,
has lions for feet and hands.
I just always thought of him about that.
I never thought, I never thought about him differently than that. Yeah. I just always thought of him about that. I never thought,
I never thought about him differently than that.
Yeah.
I,
I guess I didn't.
Minus the lions of people here,
but still,
I am thinking about him exclusively that way.
The hard part is when they drive the nails in the face of the lion.
I think the worst part is,
is when he's got a,
he's got a pound,
his swords to plowshares and he loses that giant sword that he carries on.
That's huge.
That's why I have the great candy.
That's it. That huge plowshare. That's huge. That's why he had the great candy. That's it.
That huge plowshare
just went through.
Beer.
Went right through.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. all right this story is from right wing watch this is wayne allen root
he says crazy liberal nutcases are driving america towards civil war hey so let's hear it i've never
said these words on the radio ever are we headed for civil war no no no short answer because you don't know what a civil war is yeah the south is gonna rise again after sweet tea but i feel like it's 1860 again
we're in the months before a civil war in the united states of america how would you know what
that feels like how the fuck would you know what that is no you have no fucking idea when you hear
that california expanded their civil servant travel ban to eight states, when you hear liberals say the president of the United States who gets security, national security briefings every day, has no right to make a ban that keeps us safe, that keeps people from horrible terrorist countries out of America.
He wanted to make that ban before he had the travel briefings.
That's a meaningless, it's a meaningless precursor to your to your concept the travel ban was in place long
before he had any of the security briefings and yeah there's a he has said he doesn't attend a
lot of security listen to him right he doesn't listen to the fucking security briefings so this
this concept that you're like oh yeah he knows everything the president's fucking omniscient
not omniscient not omniscient right turns out not omniscient because he doesn't pay attention
he can't even fucking put 140 characters together and make that sound like a thing
he's in charge of our nuclear weapons that by itself is enough to say my god something's wrong
when judges are able to stop a president from doing whatever he needs to do. The Constitution allows him to do.
It doesn't.
That's the point of it.
You idiot.
God, the judges are saying this is not constitutional.
And then they came back and said, yeah, it was.
But initially, the circuit court judges said this is not constitutional.
That's why you can't do it.
Yeah.
Otherwise, why have why even have a Supreme Court?
do it yeah otherwise why have joy why even have a supreme court and and it went through the supreme court because they delayed long enough to get gorsuch in there right exactly right what would
have happened if the other guy that merkel was that his name i don't remember no that's that's
the prime minister of germany the guy the guy that they had for nine months the lady in waiting
that guy you never fucking got anywhere right started as name
started them i don't remember it's he's irrelevant because he'll be irrelevant for history because
he's not a supreme court judge because we waited a fucking a quarter of obama's term and we never
put anybody in there i know it's so bad it's so disgraceful it's so fucking horrifyingly
that's why it went through that's why this is even being talked about now.
Because if that would have went through during Obama and that and that the court would have flipped the other way because Scalia's seat flipped.
Right.
We wouldn't you would be like, well, these fucking Supreme Court judges are bad, too.
Yep.
Because it's against what you want.
Yeah.
Because they're liberal and out of control and they're crazy and they're freaking communists.
That's bad.
What is communism?
You don't even know what communism means if you use it in that sentence.
What is a fucking, what does communism have to do with any of that?
What's love got to do?
I don't know.
Got to do with it.
Got to do with it.
Who needs a heart if a heart can be broken?
I just want to know the answer to the question.
But then the same people say you can't ban people from Muslim nations from coming to America, say California can ban all of their government employees from traveling to eight states.
See the word ban?
California's got a ban on American states.
Can you even imagine that? restricting publicly funded travel. To four more states because of recent laws, the leaders here view as discriminatory against transgender people.
Can you imagine how sick these people are?
So the story behind this is that there is a state funded and state sponsored travel that happens for people in California.
in California.
And they think discriminating laws against LGBTQ people
in certain areas of the country
in certain states is abhorrent.
So they won't send people,
they won't pay to send you
to a shitty garbage state.
It's not that you can't go.
It's not.
So it's not a ban on travel, right?
It is a ban on paying
for the state paying for travel
for its employees to states
that are, like you said,
shitty, shitty garbage states.
But you can still go.
It's not like they fucking put
a wall up and this is fucking like
and this is fucking World War Z
and that's Israel, right?
It's not that. It's that if you want
to go, go. Just spend your own
money because we don't want to pay our
money to fund garbage
states. You know, you can't
ban a Muslim from America who comes from
a country that hates America and
is right with terrorism
and they kill people left and right
for being Christians, Jews, or Americans
and you don't want to let them in the country because you want your
children to be safe and that's no good.
But God forbid you ban
transgender bathrooms. Literally
it has nothing to do with the other issue.
Right. It has literally nothing to do with the
other issue. This issue, conflation shit that
these assholes do, makes me fucking
wild. Yeah, I mean, there's nothing
between the two. There's no connection.
No connection between banning somebody from
going to a garbage state that doesn't think that trans people are real things.
And banning a whole fucking group of people in the world because they happen to come from a country that doesn't like us.
Right.
What?
I don't understand.
I don't understand how those two things.
They don't relate.
They don't remotely related at all.
California says no one can travel there anymore.
That's not what they say.
California now bans most state-funded travel to eight states.
State funding is a big part of that.
You just went back on what you just said.
The new additions to the list are Texas, Alabama, Kentucky, and South Dakota.
Nobody wants to go there anyway.
Garbage states.
What did we say?
Do they even have roadways that lead in to those states?
They don't have airports.
You just have to parachute out.
Jesus Christ.
Just drop fucking cargo food on those people down there.
Be like, those fucking states just sent a thank you note.
Lord.
If you are in one of those states and need to get out, send us a message.
Blink twice.
They joined Kansas, Mississippi, North Carolina, Tennessee.
Oh, my God.
Who would go to any of those places?
God, if any of those were stuck to the bottom of my shoe, I'd be horrified.
I would let my dog shit in those states.
If I were driving through those states to get to a real part of this country,
I'd rather my dog shit in my car i would rather smell the putrid scent
of the feckin dog shit rotting in my car yeah then let him outside and touch his fucking paws
to the soil of those fucking filth states mississippi you kid and i don't even like my dog
so it's okay to ban american states because they don't like transgender people who
are confused whether they have a penis or a vagina that's not what transgender people are
they are not confused about whether they have they stand in the mirror back what is this thing
what exactly do i have i don't what is that is what is? Can somebody give me an anatomy book? I don't know what that is.
Friend, you want to talk about reducing the national debt?
We could reduce it overnight if they would defund this evil organization and put it on the national debt.
Man, we could get out of debt immediately if they would do that.
And friend, when I call Planned Parenthood an evil organization, I don't stumble and I don't stammer and I don't apologize. I mean exactly what I say.
This is from Right Wing Watch. GOP congressman laughs off prenatal coverage.
Why do we have to pay for that coverage that we can't use?
All right, so this is a dipshit. This is Republican Representative Pete Olson of Texas,
and he's specifically addressing the Affordable Care Act's requirement that health care plans
cover prenatal and maternity care, asking why men, quote, have to pay for that coverage
that we can't use.
And he says later, he says, I have some concerns because one thing, they still guarantee coverage
for 10 essential conditions.
And one of those conditions, this is care for all, includes you and me.
It's prenatal care.
I think we all have what we call an X chromosome.
You, me, literally every person has at least one.
You, me, JP, Tom, and Chuck have those, which means we can't have a baby.
Why do we have to pay for that coverage that we can't use?
There are so many answers to that question.
Well, the first is you're a representative and you have no idea how taxes work.
Yeah. Because like, that's like saying, well, I didn't drive on a road in the South part of
Illinois, so I don't want to pay for it. I can't use it. I didn't drive on that road. I
didn't drive on the interstate that went all the way down to Effingham in Illinois. So I don't want
to pay for it. I want my taxes to go exactly where I want my taxes to go. You don't get that choice.
A la carte taxes. You don't get to do that. You get to decide. Just like you can't say,
well, I paid my taxes for my school this year, but I only want my money that I paid into the
school system to go to benefiting my son. I don't want any of that money to go for my school this year, but I only want my money that I paid into the school system to go to benefiting my son. I can't, I don't want any of that money to go for the school system itself.
I only want to have benefits that come to my son. So if it, if, if my son isn't taking shop class,
I want all the shop. I want none of my money to go to the shop class.
Right. It's also just a spectacularly stupid. First of all, you hit the nail on the head,
right? He's a representative. He's not just a representative
of the men in his district.
He's a representative
of the other half of the people in the district,
which would be women, right?
So you're doing a bad job at the
representative portion of the program.
You're only representing half of your constituency.
The other thing is
like, well, prenatal care
is good for the baby sure who even if you
were a fucking rampant misogynist may turn out to be a boy yeah right but but even if
that's so funny too because be like no if it's a girl we just don't do anything we just we just
you just don't get any 20 weeks or like girl just like good luck to you yeah i don't get any funding. At 20 weeks, they're like, girl, good luck to you.
I don't care.
There's a girl in a girl.
Bring me my mallet.
Double whammy.
I want my mallet.
Oh, God.
I want one of those giant croquet mallets from The Shining.
Right?
Why do I have to pay for prenatal care?
Well, let's see.
If my spouse is having a baby, well, it's not mine now.
my spouse is having a baby.
Well, it's not mine now.
But like, if your significant other is having a baby, be like,
I don't know, should I get prenatal care?
Well, I don't know. I don't get anything out of that.
What, are you a total dick?
Should I get an epidural?
Well, am I going to get some Valium?
What the fuck? What did nobody think of me?
What are you talking about?
It's just a fucking terrible...
You're going in with your wife
to be like, well, she got a pap smear.
I would like something too.
Can I have a Popsicle?
Can you stick a con swab up my ass?
Is there any way that you could just
open the head of my penis
and look in there?
Sir, why do you have a speculum
stuck up your rectum?
Oh, God!
Just because I just don't want to feel left out.
I was a little constipated.
I want to see if I can get all that to fall out.
What a fucking spectacularly stupid, short-sighted, mean-spirited, misogynistic thing to say.
That's your representative from Texas, though.
It is Texas.
Unbelievable. I mean, what boggles my mind is that you're a fucking representative and you don't understand how taxes work.
It was like when I was on the condo board and the guy on the first floor who would be like, yeah, we've got to pay for the elevator to get its yearly cleaning.
We got to be like a yearly cleaning.
The elevator's coming up.
We got to pay for the elevator.
And he'd be like, I don't ever use the elevator.
I don't want to pay for it.
And I would look at him and be like, you're in a fucking commune. Like you, we all put our money in and to pay for the elevator and he'd be like i don't ever use the elevator i don't want to pay for it and i would look at him be like you're in a fucking commune like you we all put
our money in and we pay for it when your wall falls down i pay for it when my wall falls down
you pay for it that's how it works he just didn't understand he's like i don't want to pay for the
elevator like you fucking can't opt out like you can't just check a box and be like i don't want
to pay for the elevator he genuinely thought he could just say and be like i don't want to pay for the elevator he genuinely
thought he could just say in a meeting i don't want to pay for i'm i'm looking at you in a way
that and i had to explain to him that's not how that's not how a fucking condo works you you opted
into the system you signed the agreement what yeah he didn't want to pay he lived on the first
floor double down on yeah he started arguing with me and I was like, dude,
go read your condo rules.
You signed them.
Wow. Yeah. Like, does he not even know?
Like, what if the elevator broke?
Like, what if I had a, just from a selfish
perspective. Sure. What if I lived
on the first floor and I
never used the elevator one time personally for
anything ever, right? But then the elevator
breaks. Breaks. Sure. Right right it doesn't work anymore and nobody can use it and then nobody fixes the
elevator and now somebody wants to buy a property in my building right every property in my building
has a diminished value because a major structure of that building doesn't work right so he loses
money sure his home can't sell he can't
sell he wouldn't be able to sell because if you you wouldn't be able to have a building without
a working elevator right you wouldn't be able to sell so to a loan company would not give you a
loan like you'd walk in and be like i would like to buy the the unit on the third floor and they'd
look at you and be like well there, there's no working elevator. Right.
So there's a,
there's no way you're going to get a loan.
The value of his property is affected by the values of the properties in the same building as his property.
And this is the exact same thing,
right?
Half of the population in this example is not benefiting.
And therefore we all don't benefit.
But like crazily, crazily crazily it's it's like
it's it's the number still it's like as a man yeah right if i am if if if a child is being
born that is half of mine right like right i would like the person bearing my child to have
prenatal care sure right you want to take care of that
person the outcome i want to i want to take care of the baby even if i don't care about the person
who is gestating the child which you didn't but anyway go on fine you know call me
wait the fucking i would have a vested interest in the outcome of the pregnancy for sure.
Is is there not a tacit understanding that it's like, but and even if I didn't care about the child that was coming out, it is cheaper.
If she gets prenatal care, then the outcome is going to have a higher likelihood of not having fucked up in this and fucked up in this is expensive.
It's literally,
from the most selfish motivations possible,
just cheaper.
Like there is,
both selfishly and unselfishly,
it's smarter to do the prenatal care.
But there's just no downside to it.
There's no downside.
There's no downside to healthier outcomes.
The downside is
more people have to pitch in for it.
That's their downside.
And they're so short-sighted that they think that's it.
Right.
They pitch in for it in the front end, but they save on the back end.
But they, no.
Because like, what if that kid comes out all fucked up?
You don't understand though.
Like, I really do feel like, and we've talked about this before, the really hardcore conservative
fiscal conservatives are clear cut people.
They don't care about the future.
They have a short term view on everything.
That's why they don't care about climate change.
That's why they don't care about the environment at all.
They don't care about these things because they genuinely want to make as much money as they can tomorrow, not next year.
I genuinely feel that's how their brain operates.
Because that level of forward thinking does not enter into the equation of how they want
to spend their money.
Is it the difference between being able to plan quarterly versus a five-year plan?
I guess.
I don't know.
Is that like, for fuck's sake?
The math just doesn't work.
When you hear this, you kind of think,
are they even planning quarterly?
Right?
When you read this, you're like,
are you even going quarterly?
I mean, are we talking a day-to-day plan here?
Right? It's got to be.
Yeah.
It's got to be.
You want answers?
I think I'm entitled to them.
You want answers!
I want the truth!
You can't handle the truth. I love this.
This is from Right Wing Watch. This is Alex Jones.
This is crazy.
We do have to set this up a little bit.
So there is
a late night. So Stephen Colbert
put out a new character named
Tuck Buckford. It's a parody
of Alex Jones. That's awesome.
So he's got this character.
Alex Jones goes full fucking
meta and does a
Tuck Buckford parody
of Tuck Buckford, who
parodies Alex Jones.
When I say a parody, he loses
his fucking mind and
wears a toupee.
There's all those conspiracy theories that he
is... I know it's
not a real thing, but there was a
guy by the name of Bill Hicks who died or something
and they say that he's Bill Hicks and he's just
punking everybody.
When you see stuff like this and he goes
and it just feels so
meta, you're like, are you winking
at the camera? It's got a Charlie Kaufman kind of
feel. Right. You know what I mean? It feels like you're
winking at the camera.
It feels like one day he's going to lean and be like i have fuck i was fucking with all you people but i but you know what like
i honestly there's a tiny tiny part of me that thought trump was the same way i know i know i
thought the same thing i was like he's gonna get elected and be like oh you guys would have been
so funny but he's not that smart turns Turns out. He's not that good. Welcome to Brain Fight, ladies and gentlemen, with the real Tuck Budford.
And I tell you, I want to thank tonight.
He has on his head.
What is that?
How would you describe that?
I would say that's a hair bonnet.
It's a, imagine like a, like a hair beret beret right a hair beret is a good way to put it
so like if you wove a homeless man's hair imagine it unkempt imagine if archie came to life
and his hat was actually his hair yep you know yeah that's what it would look like and it's black
yeah and it's it's yeah it's not like dark brown no's black. Yeah. And it's black. It's not like dark brown.
No.
That is fucking black.
I also like that he's got like a 1987 like USA jacket, like a leather jacket, like with the leather sleeves.
Yeah.
Weird.
It's so weird.
That's like his total.
It's his America varsity jacket.
I'm on the varsity team for America.
Bald Eagles.
CBS News for allowing me to set the record straight about a public enemy number one and a scourge of America and the world.
I'm not talking about Stephen Colbert.
I'm talking about Alex Jones of Infowars.
That enemy of America stole my identity back in high school and my manly power, my manly voice.
He took it from me and i gotta say
though what a great voice on alex jones i mean genuinely a great voice on that man it's it's
fucking amazing for what he does yeah but i would not want to walk around with no i wouldn't want to
coffee please like can you imagine just doing regular stuff you'd just be the thing you'd have
to you'd have to just cover yourself in super glue rocks
together. That would be a good solution
because seriously,
he shows up to the dry cleaners like,
Lloyd Starch!
Fucker!
What is happening?
That's not a voice you walk through your day with.
That's not a voice
you go one octave
up when you talk to your pet with.
You know what I mean?
Like, who's a good boy?
Who is a good boy?
There's nowhere to go.
Who's the best kitty?
Who's the best little kitty?
And then spread his evil lies across the country and the world.
And he stole not just my persona.
He then projected his right wing evil,, unalloyed, racist views over me.
And then that got picked up by Stephen Colbert, who unknowingly stole the identity of someone that had stolen my identity.
See, that's that to me just tells me, like, is he winking at the camera right now?
I don't know. Or is he just trying desperately to make sense of his own parody?
How bad is it when you have to create
a parody that you then have to explain
in words this
specific to everybody
exactly what you're doing?
Nobody has to do that
if they do a good job. When you write
a skit,
if you have this much explanation
in it, you just tear it up and
start over this is we are you're 49 seconds into exposition on a three-minute skit and i still
don't understand it nobody does yeah he doesn't understand this so here tonight thanks to cbs
here at brain fight with the real tuck buckford am going to set the record straight about the fact that Alex Jones
is a damn liar. I want to bring
up... Okay, so they did do a cut there.
I just want people to know that this is spliced
together. My next guest,
Donald
John Trump. He's been on the
show before, but he's now joining
us again. I will say an incredible
likeness on Trump's eyes there.
I like this pinata. It's a Trump pinata, and I would hit that pinata. I will say an incredible likeness on Trump's eyes there. I like this pinata.
It's a Trump pinata, and I would hit that pinata.
I would fuck those eyes.
It's tough with a face like that.
Is it a sex doll?
Is it pinatas?
A little bit of both?
Yeah.
Do you fuck it until the candy breaks out of it?
I think what you do is you insert the treats.
You know what I mean?
Nah. Better. Keep your mouth shut here for his mouth shut here i'm not like alex jones he just hit i don't believe in political violence that's why i
promote it continually that's called the oxymoron leftist mind control system that i bought into
because i want to be in charge we have a record high stock market three plus trillion dollars and
what is he holding up hold on hold on Hold on. He's just holding up.
He always holding up a piece of paper has nothing to do with the stock market.
Yeah.
But you know what?
He he he prints out all his stories.
I don't know if he saw that off the Internet.
It's so funny.
He took us out of these multinational secret deals that took over Congress like the TPP
and the carbon tax.
And now new big studies and mainstream news report.
It wasn't three point3 million illegals that
may have voted but 5.7 so he lied to us that's that old dominion thing back up again it's the
same study they're just using the same study to try to keep saying the same thing over and over
and over again so she said it was only 3.2 3.3 he lied to us when it was 2 million or more than that.
And he just, he just.
Yeah.
Why don't you just use another fucking debunk study again and again and again and again
to get your read, you know, eventually they're just going to be like, yeah, uh, you know,
actually it was 290 million illegals voted in the last election.
That's more votes than they actually took.
It's like it
like their statistics are so bad it's like like well you know uh kim jong-un was democratically
elected by 99 come on come the fuck up are you serious he's the biggest liar keeping his promises
i've ever seen so we have shakespeare in the park saying kill trump no big deal uh madonna says
kill him blow him up everybody it's the coolest thing to do in the park saying kill Trump. It's no big deal. Madonna says kill him, blow him up.
It's the coolest thing to do in the world, but the left then claims that the right wing...
So not what they're talking about is a Julius Caesar.
They have on the screen a Julius Caesar thing, and it's a bunch of people in fucking modern outfits stabbing a guy that looks like Trump.
And because they changed it to Trump right
instead they didn't do this with Obama
because there's plenty of black guys who get stabbed
and shot already so they didn't need
to do this with Obama it's just
yeah just literally turn on any news
doesn't matter it's fine violent because they
are I just want to say you
know this isn't violent at all okay
this right here this is
I do this to Trump.
You understand?
Let me just explain that to everybody.
I mean, if I sit here and just start ripping his head off
and do it like this, this is liberal.
And this is open.
If we ban free speech on colleges and arrest everybody,
it's a good thing.
They're just throwing it around and yelling.
You need to see this video.
Oh, it's the best.
You have to see this video. He hulks out on this.
This is at 2.23, this video.
Check out the show notes for this. He like
hulks out on it and just tears its face and
throws it at the camera. But I think he does it because
he's hitting it ineffectively with the axe.
Oh, the axe is awesome. And so every time the axe impacts it,
the fucking pinata moves with it, right?
So he has it like placed it up against
a barrier, so he just flips his shit and is like
oh, rah, rah, rah, It's like, and then he just,
he just rips its face open.
Let's get that straight right now that the real tuck Buckford's here and Alex
Jones and all the rest of them better understand.
We run this country now.
Swinging an ax around and yelling.
See,
I was hoping he was going to actually shatter his glass top.
Nothing in the world would be better than that.
That would be so fucking funny.
The face he's making right now.
This is fucking amazing.
Yeah.
You seriously have got to see this.
Like North Korea.
And I like Colbert.
And I want the tens of millions he gets selling out of America.
I love it.
I absolutely love it.
Cuthbert loves Colbert. I hate
Alex Jones. It's brain
fine.
Yeah.
I just want to be able to
He sounds like
a Junebug caught in a fan.
He does have like a guttural pig
sound that he uses.
What is happening?
Sounds like an orc from Warhammer 40k.
You know what I appreciate though?
I actually appreciate that like for a lot of people,
when you're speaking and you have that sort of pause moment,
you use filler words, right?
You use uhs and ums and likes,
or you stutter a little bit.
I certainly do that.
I like that his filler word is, no!
And sometimes his filler word is to tear his own shirt off.
Right?
Yeah.
I don't want you, no!
Ripping his fucking clothes apart.
Oh, real quick.
Cecil, I want to make a correction from this episode. I used a word wrong. I meant
to say fetid when I was talking about shit. And I said fecund. They are two different words.
Don't send me an email about it. I simply misspoke. What's fecund? I've never heard it.
It's capable of producing offspring. I see. Yeah. I just misspoke. And I know I'm going to get an
email for it. And I caught it while I was ranting.
And I don't want to go back and re-rant.
So I will simply make a correction in episode.
So we want to encourage people to vote for the calls to prayer.
We're going to keep telling these votes for a little while.
And then we're going to wrap it up and give out some shirts.
Please keep voting.
And we want to thank everybody who sent in calls to prayer.
That's going to wrap it up for this week. we're going to leave you like i always do with the
skeptics creed credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon
bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative
acupunctuating pressurizedized, stereogram, pyramidal,
free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info
docutainment, Leo, Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot
cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense.
Expose your sides.
Thrust your hands.
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Evidential.
Conclusive.
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