Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 394: Toaster Shakins 2017

Episode Date: January 4, 2018

Here is the best and worst of 2017. Enjoy.

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. hey folks it's here again this is toaster Shaken's the best and worst of 2017 all in one episode. There's a lot of stuff I was digging through this weekend to sort of figure out what was going to go in this show.

There's a lot of stuff I missed, but we only want to do one of these this year and we only want to make it a normal episode length. So I included some of the best and worst bits from last year. Hope you enjoy it. We'll be back on Monday with a full episode length. So I included some of the best and worst bits from last year. Hope you enjoy it. We'll be back on Monday with a full episode.

Until then, this will tide you over. This is Toaster Shaken's 2017. This clip comes from episode 337, Bullet of the Month Club, released on January 9th. I've got news for you. It still takes a man and a woman to make a baby. Yeah. Babies and marriage aren't the same thing. So I got news for you, Jimmy Baker. You know what?

It's funny because he fucking knows that, right? Because he got married later in life, didn't produce any offspring. Yeah. Right? No, right. Exactly. I mean, he can't possibly be fertile. Look at him. He's obviously irradiated

i'm sure he's fine it's just i'm sure his wife is menopausal that bobble thing yeah yeah that's dry as the day is long are you kidding me you can't pry that she's like moistening with a turkey baster. He's got to get the garden hose out just to get everything apart. He's got a small bucket of KYs just sticking the turkey baster in there. No, it just keeps on absorbing it. I try to go in,

it's just absorbing it in the walls. It's weird. Why is it doing that? I didn't think the human body could absorb three bottles of Jurgens. This seems unsafe. It's real smooth in here, though. I will say that. It's velvety soft.

It's moisturized. That's right. And they say, oh, no, no, no, no. They can do it in a test tube. Well, they still got to get... What do they got to get? They can't even say it. Look at how spunky she looks too.

Look at her. She's like, I love when these guys are squeamish about biology, right? Because they're just like, parts. They got to get the stuff. They need the man stuff and the woman stuff. And if you put the man and the woman

stuff together, you get the baby stuff. Do you wonder if that's part of it? It's just like, they're so divorced from how bodies work and they're so uncomfortable. They're just like, I don't know, a man and a woman. That's a magic happen. Poof, a baby. They don't want to think too much about it.

It's hard. They were yelling out there in the audience. He's just moving his hands. He's just moving his hands. He's just moving his hands back and forth. Like you guys know what I mean, huh? Vaginal discharge. I don't think the vaginal discharge is required for the baby.

I just thought I'd say it. I get excited. I got to wash the sheets. No, I don't. You're a bachelor. Those stains are like, they're like pride. I draw like a CSI circle around it

and put the date on it. You hang like one of those, one of those UV lights from the ceiling and you spin it. It hang like one of those UV lights from the ceiling and you spin it and it looks like one of those disco gloves around your room because all the lights are moving around. This clip comes from episode 338. Your son would have been a

veterinarian. Released on January 16th. This is David speaking, Matt, and we've deconstructed gender. It's an ultimate attack on the creator. Deconstructed gender? Yeah, man.

It's, uh, I mean, he's getting derided on us like real fast. Like, here we go. Either that or you're like at a gender fusion restaurant. Yeah, we call this one non-binary.

We call this the Ari Stillman. It's a new creation. Nobody's sure how it works. But it's completely inoffensive. And we see this pattern in Romans chapter one, and it literally goes this way. You deny truth. Then you have a darkened heart. Then youplace god in other words displace god man hey y'all you can't displace me i got wheels on my house you flood my trailer park i'll just roll right on you can't displace me like whatever you

try you try to flood you try the tornado doesn't. God is not a poor black man in fucking New Orleans, right? Like, he doesn't get displaced by some fucking rainwater. I got my FEMA trailer. That's my new digs. FEMA. It says it right on the side. Can't read, but they told me that's what it said. Fucking you darken your heart.

You darken your heart. You have no idea how dark I've made this fucking thing. God no longer matters. His law, the basis of law, which is found in God's word, his standards for righteousness, none of those matter anymore. Those are all the same thing. You just said the same thing.

It's like three different ways. None of the same thing matters anymore. None of the same thing. Not dogs nor canines. None of them. It's the same thing, you stupid fucking twat. You displace God and you become the center of the universe. From there, it goes to degrading passions and then a depraved mind.

Okay, now you've got my interest. Look, I'm all for some degrading. All of my passions are degrading to someone. Not me, but someone. It seems to escalate kind of quickly. I mean, it sort of drops it in the fifth gear real quick it's like we've deconstructed it's like we've we've we've thought a little bit about what gender means well now i'm fucking a dog i don't know i just i don't

know what to say like we went from fucking somebody's like yeah you know sometimes i have these questions about whether or not it's continuum well i don't know man i'm just out here just sticking a pumpkin up my ass i don't know So this is where we find ourselves in a culture of a depraved mind, where we're celebrating and even forcing others to participate in immorality. What? Yeah, you're forcing them to hear that gay marriages exist. Is that what he's referring to? Like, he's making a cake or something?

Is that what he's getting worked up about? What's the very worst that can happen? It's not like they walk in and be like, all right, lube up. Yeah, right. Coming to get you. It's not like the government's like, hello, suck a dick. Oh, man.

Not home? Room service? We hear you in there. It's a dick in the door. Open the door. I don't want it. I don't want to suck a dick. Just put it through the mail slot.

It's like a postal office glory hole. We'll be able to tell if that's your dog, sir. We'll be able to tell. This isn't our first rodeo. Stop putting peanut butter on the tip. This clip comes from episode 339. Tiny Hands Across America, released on January 23rd. So Gwyneth Paltrow's got a magazine called Goop,

which is basically what's going to be flowing out of your vagina if you stick a bunch of foreign objects into it and fucking hold them there long enough. She's got this Goop magazine, and in Goop, she suggested that you fucking stick a rock in your pussy and walk around so Cecil this actually reminds me of a recent Christmas offering by

Nordstrom oh no that's Neiman Marcus anyway forget it so they were recently selling and sold out by the way just like Gwyneth Paltrow sold out. Now, she sold out of pussy rocks. Pussy rocks. And they sold out of rocks in a bag.

Wait a second. So there's a you can get pussy rocks. Uh-huh. Or pussy stones. I don't know. You can get moon rocks. Yeah. Can I take a spaceship to pussy?

Is there a way to get there? I feel like if you need to get to pussy, there's easier ways than a spaceship. Not for me, actually. So, you know, it's like, so they got vagina rocks, pussy stones. Nobody would let me board that spaceship without going through the rigorous astronaut training program.

It's necessary. Nobody's going to let you go through the astronaut training program. But if they just see you going to let you go through the astronaut training program. But if they just see you, they're just like, no, no, fail. You have to hold your breath for three minutes.

He fails out. Can you breathe without a snorkel? Because if you can't breathe without a snorkel... Did you say gash gravel? Is that what you said? Is that one of them? Gash gravel is good.

I like that. Gash gravel is better than cunt gravel. Cunt gravel. That doesn't work. I don't like that. Yeah. No. Trying to think of other words for rock.

Anyway, you were saying. So, yeah. So the advice was to stick a fucking rock up your junk and just walk around. I don't know if this is before or after you steamed the clam because she also recommended that earlier. Well, if you do, then the pearl comes out. Then you gotta put it back in? You know, it says here, it says the

endorsement justifies the use of jade eggs because queens and concubines use them to stay in shape for emperors and god emperors have tiny little hands. So they actually can't pluck the egg out of there it's like it's like when you can take the forceps

the rock from my hand then you are the master we take the jade egg from my pussy you'll be a little wetter than before I don't know like I guess you gotta work out your fucking snatch or something like that's like what you got to do.

Look, you can't fuck an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Like, what else are they going to recommend next? It's like a fucking stick of pine going up there. It'll be ribbed for his pleasure. Like, what the fuck? Like, why isn't a pussy just good enough on its own? Why do you have to turn your hoo-ha into an ovipositor? Why is that?

This is weird. It seems like, I mean, every time I'm fucking up in there, I'm just like, well, I guess it would be better if there was a fucking rock up in this thing. No, it's to make it strong, right? How strong? It's not going to be fucking weightlifting. Like, what is that

thing got to do? It's just got to fucking accept it begrudgingly you put it in there you put it in there and you come out with an any it's like jesus what did you what happened to this thing good lord the fuck it's like all flat like cartoon flat like you turn it sideways and it's like this big it's girthy but then when you turn it this way it's completely flat it's like a grouper now. I feel like that thing should wrestle me. Right.

What is happening down there? Exactly. It's a lot. At some point, it's like you've got a lot more control over that thing that I'm comfortable with. This article is really great, actually. Yeah, it's like a prehensile pussy. Did you get a hang from a tree? Actually, if she gets good enough with it, it's like a potato gun it's just you put it up

she's firing t-shirts out of that thing she gets all the way to the back bleachers this t-shirt smells funny so uh but uh but keeping it that's more that's my sniffing shirt. Oh, you don't wash it. So, uh, so I want to read, this is a part of the article. This is part of the raw story article,

which I thought was great. A major, a major warning. Dr. Gunter attacked Paltrow store for, that's a terribly weird worded sentence, by the way, is the idea that a woman should sleep with the jade egg inside of her because jade is porous and can introduce dangerous bacteria into the vagina, which could act like fomite, kind of like smallpox blankets stuck inside your vagina.

When you do that, though, when you do that do that though the natives are all happy they're like okay thank you that's awesome I'll give you this jade egg for your smallpox blanket they trade baubles for your smallpox blanket I bought New York with three of these things

you give it to your wife you're like yeah it's the louisiana purchase smells like crawdads what is that gumbo wait bubba gump brand jade eggs what is this what he used to do is that gumbo filet what is that tasting something is that thickener down there what thickening agent are you oh it's pus okay forget it yeah yeah that's fine yeah it looks like rue but it's a poor you're fucking sticking a porous rock up your fucking hoo-ha. That's why I recommend Corian. You don't have to seal it. You know.

It doesn't stain as easily, you know, if things get a little weird. Yeah. And it could get real hot. It doesn't matter. It's fine. It doesn't matter. You can set a hot pan right up.

This clip comes from episode 352. Can you narrow down there? Released on April 10th. Oh, this is super weird. Right wing watch. Rick Joyner recounts the eight hour visit he made to heaven. No. Man.

Eight hour visit. What is a game like seven minutes in heaven or something? Yeah, right. Well, it depends on how deep inception. Right. How many levels down are you? Or up, I guess, is what you'd like. I've seen that movie.

None of it looked like heaven. None of it. There were no harps at all. One time I got so physically sick. Did you listen to the Joy Division? What's going on down there? What is happening in the background here? Jesus.

I thought I had Ebola plus the bird flu. Nobody had neither. I'm certain he had neither. You can't even describe. So you were basically delirious. What you're telling us. Are you setting up the story by saying I had a really high fever? Because I one time had a really high fever when I had the chicken pox.

And I thought the Chicago Bears were practicing under my blanket. I fucking had a delusion where I thought the Chicago Bears were practicing under the blanket I was underneath. I like that, right? He's going to preface it by saying, one time when I was at my least reliable,

the following things did almost certainly not happen. It's funny because Sarah watches all these ghost shows and constantly they'll talk about, yeah. So I was laying in bed and then I, I opened my eyes and it felt like there was a presence on my chest and it was holding me down and I couldn't breathe. And then suddenly I was awake and I was like, Oh man, what was that?

And I looked it up and they said it was sleep paralysis, but I didn't believe it. I'm just thinking like, well then, what? What? What are you talking about? You didn't believe it.

What did you think it was? Right. It'd be like starting this story, I'd be like, all right, so here's what he did. Yeah. I took three bottles of Xanax.

I jumped a bunch of asses. Right. I took fucking one of those DMT pills. Right. I hung out with Joe Rogan. I never felt that bad before. I couldn't move. I couldn't get out of bed or anything. But every day, there are a couple of things, you know, a few things that scripture says brings pleasure to the Lord.

Masturbating, masturbating, masturbating, masturbating, masturbating, masturbating, masturbating. I'll tell you, brushing my hound dog Pleasure to the lord When I take the Spray thing and I wash out the back Of my truck That's nice I like that Hanging all my guns on the gun rack Pleasure to the lord

Every Sunday I disassemble them Whether I shot them or not and I clean them That gives me some pleasure That's why I said no church or whatever on Sunday. That's a clean in your guns day. Oh God, it is. In some places it is. And every day I try to do these things

and I remember struggling. I couldn't even think straight, but I'm trying as hard as I could to do these things that it says brings pleasure to the Lord. What are you fucking doing? What is he doing? He's squeezing his balls while he sucked his cock? says brings pleasure to the Lord. What are you fucking doing? What is he doing? He's squeezing his balls while he sucked his cock? What brings pleasure to the Lord?

What the fuck? I took out the massager and I was rubbing one nut on the other side. What the fuck? I was sick as a dog. I made him a chocolate pie. The Lord ain't going to come in my mouth if I don't. And by chocolate pie, I mean I ate his asshole. I can't get in this asshole. I can't do this. This is why I got sick. Indian food. This is disgusting.

First of all, Lord, you don't wipe properly. This is not okay. It's like a fucking biohazard back here. Can you take a shower before we play? Jesus. Can you nair back here? It's like I'm flossing with your shitty pubes. It's disgusting.

It's a balloon not covered in bristle brushes. It's a fucking flavor saver you got going on back here. It's not a flavor I want to say. I just can't, I said I can't, can't do any better than that. It's the best I could do today. And the next day,

I felt much better. And the day after that, I felt good enough to go to our place up Moravian Falls where we had a, I was doing a writer's seminar. And I laid down to go to sleep when I got there

and I went straight to heaven. They put him in one of those teller tubes. And he's like, and he's right up there. You got to get in the right one though. You can always tell it's the right one because the teller tube has a halo on it. Oh, right.

That's the one that goes down. You got to watch the one that goes up like the other one. The other one, no good. Oh, the other one's bad. It's got a little tail with a little spade on the end. It's warm when you reach into the tube. Oh, no way. Go in that one.

Can't trick me again, double. I like, I like. I need your ass last week. It was terrible. And I had an eight-hour Earth time experience in heaven. You slept for eight hours? What's crazy to me is that

God can coincide that time perfectly with his sleeping patterns. I only bring people up to heaven when it coincides with a circadian rhythm. It was the greatest I've been. I really liked heaven. It was great. Heaven was tits, heaven. It was great.

Heaven was tits, bro. It'd be great if you went to heaven and you came back like, eh. I've had experiences when I was caught up to heaven a number of times. It's not his first trip. No, I fucking A. I go there on business every year. I got the easy pass or whatever. I don't even have to wait. He got a bogo.

He goes one day and the next day the Twicket. Or you go to Disney and you get to skip the line. St. Peter's like, oh no, it's fucking a joiner. He's got the bracelet on. Let him up front. He's like TSA PreCheck. He's got the fast pass. He doesn't have to take off his belt anymore or anything. There's no angel

backwardsly tapping his junk with his hand. And every time I'm in a different place, I tell you, heaven is so dreamlike. Unbelievably diverse. It's full of all the best white people. It's got all the best white. The white is fucking, it's fucking full of the whites. They have every shade of Caucasian.

There are more species in heaven than there are species upon the earth. Did you count the more spiritual species? What does that even mean? Spiritual species. Is that the movie where that chick is super hot? Yeah. Yeah. She just runs around

like sleeping with people and like getting their DNA. She can have super hot. Yeah. She just runs around sleeping with people and getting their DNA. She can have my DNA. I'll donate. I watched that movie as a teenager. She did get some of my DNA. I don't know if she got it, but I know the rental store did. You know what, buddy? She got it in spirit.

I got that card that's like, don't return these with lube. Please don't put lube on the case anymore. I just try to wrap movies and get to like, don't return these with lube. Please don't put lube on the case anymore. I just tried to rep movies. Get to like, sir. No lube warning. Just no. Yeah.

Your membership has been revoked. Sorry. No. This is the fourth DVD you came on. There's like, there's like that creepy guy. Doesn't clean it. Okay. It's like that creepy guy coming out of the fucking red room with like a fucking like five stacks of fucking porn videos.

And I come in and it's like him. Yes. You know? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sir. No. a fucking like five stacks of fucking porn videos and i come into this like him yes you yeah no no no no no no no sir no that guy now who came up with five stacks like his browser shuts down his browser's like i quit i'm sorry i can't do this right that guy that's the kind of guy who fucking died of dehydration as soon as he met the internet he fucking jerked himself off into fucking camel zone. He's got, he walks out of the house

and people are like, you have humps. How is that? What the fuck happened to you? You get a taste of it as you read the scriptures and all the different beans and everything that there are.

A lot of beans. There's a lot of beans. Fava, black, pinto. No, not black. It's heaven. What? Yeah, there's a lot of different species of white beans. There's a lot of beans. Fava, black, pinto. No, not black. It's heaven. What? Yeah, there's a lot of different species of white beans.

Angels are just one little group in heaven. They're the messengers. But they're all kinds of... But heaven is really good. They should have said to poets.

I mean, every time it's been a different place. It's been just a mind boggling, wonderful place. You can't imagine. I don't think our minds can even go there to imagine things. You said you went there. He went there several times. He went there several times. He went there several times and he came back and described it as you would really like it.

They have a lot of beef. I'm going to get a summer home up there. We get a shirt that just says heaven's awesome. They have a lot of beef. I'd be great if he looked out into the eye and was like, you ever been to the Hamptons? No, no, you're poor. It's like the

Hamptons. Something you can relate to. No, nothing like that. It's like a bean farm. Like really are heavenly. Really are there. And that's what Paul said. But this was the best part of heaven

I've been in yet. It was the good neighborhood. He went to the upper class suburb of heaven. He went to the better neighborhood of heaven. This is where they keep the upscale people. Oh my God. They had a Starbucks. There's like no line. The barista never put sugar in your coffee. What they do, you can kill her her you get to chuck her right off the cloud

into hell your coffee sucks but it's super satisfying it was way better than any I had experienced before it was better than the other it was the perfect place that was more perfect than the other heaven. It was the perfect place that was more perfect than the other perfect places.

This clip comes from episode 357, Shark Tank Idea, released on May 8th. This has been done to us for, you know, the past 30, 40, 50 years. The deep state has deliberately lied to the public because they concluded that it was in our best interest not to be told the truth.

Well, what's even scarier about the about the robots flying, Rick Rick is they weren't programmed to lie they learned to lie you're looking at me the same way I'm looking at you let me just tell you guys Cecil and I were both like heads down listening to the clip they said this both of us just look at each other exasperated fucking

exasperated so data did we teach you to lie fuck out of here So data, did we teach you to lie? Get the fuck out of here. It's funny because there are experiments in artificial intelligence. I saw something recently. Maybe you were the one who posted it, where they were sort of inputting a bunch of stuff into a computer.

Oh, the story arc? The story. It was amazing. I thought it was tremendous. Yeah. So they're inputting a lot of literature in there to find like a story arc. And then they do this sort of thing on occasion. But I mean, are we really calling it thinking? Are we really calling it like deciding to make a choice?

Like, have we made a computer that makes a choice? It's like conscious choice yet? Consciousness? No. I think what they're mixing up is adaptive learning. There certainly are programs and systems that are built which engage in adaptive learning processes. I think their worry is that if it adaptively

learned to tell a lie, then, I don't know, cut down a cherry tree? I don't know! I don't know! I'm not shooting missiles at you. Eight-bit cherry trees.

They've seen too much fucking 2001 A Space Odyssey, right? I've got to make sure that my robots only tell me the truth. What are you talking about? How many fucking robots do you have? What are you kidding about? How many fucking robots do you have? What are you kidding me?

His Roomba comes up bouncing up against the switch. Get away from me! I'm going out of the room! See Rick Wilde standing on a fucking chair with a broom trying to push away. I have your predecessor right here!

I will get predecessor right here! I will get rid of you! I brought you into this world I can take you out! Like the weekend is over he's got fucking war paint on his face. He's naked around his

like dancing around his apartment with a sharpened broomstick hunting the fucking room book for sports. He's naked around. He's like dancing around his apartment with a sharpened broomstick, hunting the fucking Roomba for sports. He's lit the rug on fire at that point. Scorched earth, motherfucker! Rick Wilde planning an attack

against his Roomba is the greatest thing ever. You kill one, but a dozen will take its place. Like outside his door, there's like a fucking pack of angry Roombas. You just hear the hum.

Gently, while they were juice, they gently bump against his door and turn around. And they're bouncing into each other. It's like a Roomba mosh pit. You know what would be so funny? Is to get a bunch of Roombas

in a small room and turn them all on and just watch them collide against each other. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. This program of all to say, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me. They earned to lie.

Wait a minute. Who's the father of all lies? Obama. They'll never find out. Call Maury. They got lies in a chair sitting there and it's like, you are not the father. Satan's just like, like yeah he's fucking dancing he's fucking uh uh uh

yeah but if they said that to him then he would be the father right right because it'd be the opposite of what oh yeah but Maury's not the father oh right yeah oh I totally had my sphinx Satan's the father of all lives but I

mean so are we gonna Doc are... So, are we going to... Doc, are we going to have demon-possessed, artificially intelligent robots? I'm assuming, you know, it has the ability to lie. No, I'm very serious about this is it possible for demonic spirit to possess an artificial intelligent machine? Oh why don't you open up

your bible and flip it to the page where it says artificial intelligence I don't know how about we create an artificial intelligent machine first and then see if it has demons in it look inside it's demon what would happen if it did open up the bible flip to the index for artificial

intelligence I will say that would be a scariest fuck story though if they'd like turn on the first artificial intelligence and then it's just like screaming get the demons Stephen King I know you're listening write that story make the pain go away why did you outfit me with nerve receptors Stephen King. I know you're listening. Write that story. Make the pain go away.

Why did you outfit me with nerve receptors? I hurt every day. Kill me. Well, can they possess idols? Exactly. Can they inhabit places? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that's a given. They can possess idols.

Is that what he said? Idols. Oh. And the other guy's like, exactly my point. You can put them in a rock or something. What would things just sit there like... What would be the point? I'd rather possess a Roomba.

Right? They see a fucking motion. You know what I mean? I'd possess a Roomba. With your fucking motion, you know what I mean? I'd possess a fucking vibrator. I'd give you a hell of an orgasm. That's right. They can take possession of animals. I think that they attach themselves to inanimate objects. of animals. I think that they attach themselves to

inanimate objects. So if you have a machine that's capable of lying, then it has to be connected to Lucifer. This is the stupidest thing we've ever heard. Not only is he like just creating out of nowhere

artificially intelligent stuff that doesn't exist, but he's also just saying that it's also demon-possessed and that demons can possess literally all his stuff. Is my table got a demon in it? Demon's just like, fuck, I should have gone somewhere else.

Gary, do you have a demon in here? This mouth's wide open. They just climb right in. Gary is a demon. Now we're back to the global brain. They just climb right in. Gary is a demon. Gary is.

Now we're back to the global brain. This is where they're going. They're building a global brain that will embody Lucifer's mind. It's literally the dumbest thing I've heard anyone say ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Fucking, that is an impossibly stupid thing to say. I think if you were to have a say the most fucking absolutely

most obtuse fucking sentence contest and the prize was fucking blowjobs every day for a year and a Roomba and a Roomba, you still would not get a more fucking insanely stupid sentence than the one that was just uttered. I just had a Shark Tank

idea. You ready for this? Take a Roomba. Put a fleshlight in it. And then you can chase it around and fuck it. I'm patting that, so don't steal that that's my idea it should have a thing where if you put a few drinks in it it runs slower

don't rape me again. This is kind of censor. If you take out money, it comes to you. You like lean into you with like some change. You like lead it to you with like some change. Oh my God. It's like programs like, I don't want no scrubs.

You gotta put real money in there. Oh God, this is the worst show we've ever done. It's the worst. It's so funny, though. Oh, my God. Oh, fucking Roomba. Oh, God. I'd make it a Boomba.

A ba-ba-ba-boomba. Oh, man. Oh, God. You look down. Where are my pubic hair? It just like sucks it all off of there. Jesus. It's like, I will clean up after you. He just put it in the dishwasher.

And so Lucifer will be deceiving people through the global brain. A robot does what it's told to do. A robot doesn't talk back and argue. Unlike a woman. Jesus. A robot doesn't talk back and argue. Unlike a woman. A robot doesn't take vacation and PTO.

Robot doesn't demand health benefits. This robot sounds great. I gotta tell you, I looked. I'm looking for the hookups here. I'm waiting for the butt. I know, right? A robot doesn't demand, you know, vacation time. For companies, there's going to be a great economic incentive to go to robotics as fast as possible and eliminate their employees.

There already is! There already fucking is, man! Where the fuck are you living? Where the fuck are you? Hold on, Rick. their employees. There already is! There already fucking is, man! Where the fuck are you living? Where the fucking... Hold on, Rick. That's why you sound so far away. We're talking to you in the past. What the fuck, man?

Fucking there's no robot. Fucking robot made literally all the shit around you. A robot made everything in this room and the car I used to get there. The fuck is this? But if we have massive employee

dislocation in the millions, in the tens of millions worldwide within a short period of time. Then we have food for the global brain. I don't know what this is. There's no problems here. The global brain is also the robot that nom, nom,

nom. Yes, it's the nom, nom robot. Nom, nom bot. He just like slowly like, like opens its mouth like a turtle to bite you.

Like that slow ass like, oh, fuck. Oh man. Don't fuck with turtles, by the way. That's all I'm saying. They're not rumpus. With fleshlights on them.

They might look like they are, but they are not. This clip comes from episode 358, Sackcloth and Ashes, released on May 15th. All right, this is for Right Wing Watch. This is Sackcloth and Ashes, Kevin Swanson. Sackcloth and Ashes?

This is to cover yourself in a poo. This is, God, Sackcloth and Ashes. Isn't that just like the, like the sad little goth kid that sits on the seat and he's like renamed himself. Yeah, it's like his best friend. I'm sad, cloth.

This is ashes. We're like the fucking Eeyore of the emo kids. He's listening to Sisters of Mercy all the time. Have you heard the great new Seether album? Yeah, no, no one has. No one has. That band is fucking terrible. That is fucking terrible.

The new typo negative kill. Typo negative fucking terrible. That is fucking terrible. The new Typo Negative Kills. Typo Negative! I forgot about that band! That guy was on another octave. I've got a pretty deep voice, and I sound like a fucking... Sisters of Mercy is the same way,

though. Sisters of Mercy and Typo Negative are the exact same way. They just have this super deep voice guy. That voice is ridiculous. That guy and Typo Negative are the exact same way. They just have this super deep voiced guy. That voice is ridiculous. That guy from Typo Negative though, he's like one of those guys, he's like one of those spaceships that came to Earth in Star Trek that communicated with the whales when it was

underwater. He's like one of those things. That guy's dead now I heard. Oh, is he? Yeah, I could be wrong. I actually don't care. You couldn't get a transfusion? He should have been type AB negative. That's great. Wouldn't it be awesome if he was a Jehovah's Witness.

Sorry, I can't drink any of that blood. He probably showed up to the emergency room and nobody could hear him. He was like, I don't know. He's telling it very specifically. I don't know what you're saying, but my glasses might be on the table. It sounds like a T-Rex

is chasing us. Everywhere you go. I guess. When your voice... He can't even communicate. He's like a bellows with a deep kazoo in it. Hello.

I only speak stand-up bass. Yeah, you gotta slap him to get the car. Hold on a minute. Let me get out your treads that are less clay pool. Oh, my God. Oh, God. I don't know, man.

There's a story. What did Kevin Sorbo say? This clip comes from episode 360, Reigning Pepe the Frogs, released on May 22nd. I saw this headline and I laughed out loud.

Oh, this is so good. This is so good. Right wing watch. Just another day on True News. That's Rick Wiles' show. Queen Elizabeth is a Satanist lizard and Bill Clinton is a cannibal. And initially, I will tell you,

I read that as cannonball. And it's every bit as believable that he's a cannonball. Bill Clinton ate the fuck out of Monica Lewinsky. So here we go. Here we go. This is true news. This guy's voice is fucking perfect basement dweller too I heard a little

bit of this earlier the queen lizard is reported to have recently died like do you remember okay okay just remember remember the scene in Ghostbusters when Rick Moranis is putting the coats on the bed.

And he's telling people about how so-and-so has a life insurance policy and he hooked them up. Listen to how this guy talks. He's fucking Rick Moranis right before he gets fucked by a dog. Listen to this. The last day or two. Oh, my God. Are you the key master? Are you the key master? Are you the key master?

Queen of England. I follow the Queen Lizard. He sounds just exactly like her. He doesn't sound a little bit like that. He sounds exactly like that. Holy shit. I'm having a little party over at my apartment. Now I can't envision anybody else though.

Except for Rick Moranis. You should come to my party at my apartment. Now I can't envision anybody else there, except for Rick Moranis with really high-waisted pants. Is that why they had the emergency meeting at Buckingham Palace? Yes. And the word will come out soon, but I'm not 100% sure of it, but I believe the Queen Lizard is dead. The cover story is that the Duke of Edinburgh. Are you guys fucking kidding me right now? The Queen Lizard.

Well, the cover story, the Buckingham Palace, the Duke of whatever the fuck. None of these people matter at all. It wouldn't matter if the Queen was a lizard. Who would care? She's a pointless figurehead Fucking Bob Rubber Has to walk around Protecting her

I forgot about Bob Rubber With his stick he has to knock On the door ceremonially Every time I hear Have you ever seen that movie The Clint Eastwood movie Unforgiven Unforgiven.

Unforgiven. Unforgiven. Is that the movie I'm thinking of? That's when it gets. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So there's a guy in there called the Duke of Death. And this guy keeps calling him the duck of death because he reads it. And the thing is like duck of death. He's like, Duke, Duke. And he's like, I says, duck. Every time I hear like Duke as a real title,

I'm always like, this is a duck. Well, if it's a swan, the queen would own him. And Bob rub would hit it when it's thick. Retired. But that sounded unusual.

Why, why an emergency meeting? Why were the Queen's personal staff from throughout the nation called? Well, maybe they were trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. It's really easy. Her heat lamp went out. She needed somebody to change the bulb. This clip comes from episode 363.

Holy Kool-Aid with Thomas Westbrook. Released on June 12th. News week. Bald people should watch out for witch doctors. Mozambique police warn after murders. Whoa.

It's people with hairlessness. What the fuck is wrong with you? People who are follicularly challenged. Follicularly challenged folks. This is just unbelievable. The level of rudeness. I'm sorry, man. Unbelievable.

There's like two people with follicle-ness, follicle-lessness in the audience that are so mad at you right now. There's going to be somebody with alopecia just like, God damn it. God damn it. All right. It's not fucking funny. All right. I always wanted to get one of those alopecias. Those things are so cool.

They're huggable. They have big, long necks, right? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, you can shear them and make a sweater. Yeah, you can make a sweater. Actually, an alopecia is exactly the opposite. I love those alopecia. They're awesome. I think a real alopecia would be funny.

Just lube up, squirt like a bar of soap. What you need is a slip inside and some Crisco. Yeah, right. You just be like, all right, here we go. This is how the magic happens. Yeah, absolutely. I'm just saying. So, turns out Mozambique, not exactly a hotbed of scientific literacy this story is nuts so a couple of bald people were killed they were murdered and chopped up

and their fucking organs were removed for use by witch doctors and And hear this out, because people thought that bald people were rich. I would think you would just know the person, and then maybe they're not all just rich. Figure out if they're rich. Right. It's just super easy to test. It's the easiest claim to test ever. Absolutely. But they also thought that bald people's

heads is the best part of the story. I can't see. Okay. Scroll down. I'm't see. Okay, scroll down. I'm going to read it because I don't even want to paraphrase it. You bet. So this is from the Newsweek article. This is amazing. Think about what has to happen in your mind to believe this is true.

Some people in Mozambique, and I love the way this is read by Newsweek, mistakenly... mistakenly believe... Do you want me to read this? ...that the heads of bald people contain gold. Me gold! You get that guy who's like, he cuts it off and he's like,

oh, someone scooped in the head out. They're just a brain in there. I love it. They had to be like, some people most, they're like the writer of Newsweek. Some people most believe, facts, facts, facts, facts, facts,

mistakenly believe. I used to have that qualifier. So Newsweek doesn't get sued. That's why. Yeah. Somebody's like, because there's some guy in Alabama that's like, there's gold in our heads.

There's gold in that bald head over there. I gotta get me panning stuff out. You know, I don't want to fall into the trap pan. Ain't no gold, man. Maybe if I sift these brains here through this strainer shake it with a strainer

I don't want to generalize about a people but all of the people that think this are fucking stupid they're not just a little stupid either they're fucking literally criminally stupid. The idea that they'd be like,

no hair, probably their head's full of gold. Let's kill them. How do you get from one to the other? What do you think is in a human head? That you think that somebody could walk around and do stuff that has a head full of gold. You think that somebody could walk around and do stuff that has a head full of gold. This clip comes from episode 364, Angel on Your Shoulder, released on June 19th.

Jim Baker, send angels to Donald Trump. Is angels his code word for buckets? Russian hookers. Russian hookers, they're just going to pee on you. It word for buckets. Russian hookers. Russian hookers. They're just going to pee on you. It's also buckets. Buckets. They're pee buckets.

I have angel's envy. Nicely done. All right. So here we go. This is Donald Trump's buckets getting sent by angels from Jim Baker. I've had a lot of angel experiences. Yes.

I've had a lot of angel experiences in my life. And then any of them correct your fucking list. One of them, a grown ass woman is like, I see fairies. What the fuck, man? A lot. We believe in angels. Yes. We really believe in angels. And I know when I talk about, we don't talk about it a lot on the show, and I'd like to talk more about it. Well, there's a lot of devils around.

But the Bible, he just talks right over the top of her. He doesn't give a fuck what she says. And her coping mechanism is... Like, that's her coping mechanism. It's just she cries until she can get to her gin. Like, that's her coping mechanism. It's just she cries until she could get to her gin. Like that's what she does.

She does. She totally does. She looks right at the camera like, he's embarrassing me! He doesn't value what I have to say! Here I am talking about angels and nobody takes me seriously.

I want to talk more about angels. I want to talk about angels. Can we talk about more angels? Counting. There's more angels than devils. But I've just had so many that it's... I hate how much... But I've just had so many that it's... I hate how much... I hate how she

talks so much. God, I hate it so much. She's like, I just have so many. I just have so many. Shut the fuck up. Jesus. You know what she sounds like? She sounds like when you take a balloon and you make it squeak. You know what I mean? she sounds like when you take a balloon and you make it squeak when you make it you make the balloon chirp she sounds like a chirping balloon

fucking a dude named angel is not the same thing as having an angel right i have so many angels in my life and in my rectum. It's just been incredible. And it's real. It really is. And like you just said, if our eyes were open spiritually, we could see him. And there's times God allows us to see that. There's an angel right on your left shoulder. Shoulder. Close the shout out. Close it down. We're done. We're done.

We're never doing this again. We're never doing it. You're fucking kidding me? There's an angel fucking your ear right now. He's just sitting on your shoulder. Good, because he's real heavy. I bet you he's going to be like, I know his name is Fred and I love him so much.

So much. I don't believe it. This is the best show ever. This is the best show. We're 36 seconds in. Oh, God. I'll play the clip. Right now, standing right behind you. Praise God.

Wow. Thank you, Jesus. What for? Thank you, Jesus. What for? Thank you. For the angel to just stand there. Like it's just standing there. What is it doing? I'm so happy, Jesus, for this angel.

I can't see that might not be there. I'm glad he spared an angel just to hang out with you. We're going to let that little kid die. Maybe that nail bomb couldn't have gone off in that fucking stadium. I'm not kidding. But that fucking Laurie Baker's

got a fucking invisible friend on her shoulder. Yeah, it's awesome. It's awesome. Yeah, fucking Angel can't stop the fucking nails from shooting through eight-year-olds. Right.

But it's no worries. He's totes behind you for the bucket sales. Oh, God. It's like when I watch those stupid ghost shows, those dumb ghost shows, and the woman's like, there's like a guy in this room and he's got like a weird mustache

and he killed a bunch of people with his teeth and he's really evil and I think he's eating a person right now. So there's a bad man in here and you should leave this house. This clip comes from episode 369, QED 2017,

released on July 17th. Well, this story is distrustingly familiar. It's from Fox 8. Oh, yeah. This is familiar. It is. It is. But it's a different girl. Different girl, different manner of deathingly familiar. It's from Fox 8. Oh, yeah. This is familiar. It is. It is. But it's a different girl?

Different girl, different manner of death. Okay. All right. The last one caught on fire. Oh, that's right. Remember where she asphyxiated? No, it was carbon monoxide, I think, or something. Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah. She started a fire in her menstruation hut. Yeah. This is a Nepalese menstruation hut ritual claiming the life of a teenage girl because she got bitten by a snake while she was banished to a cow shed during her banishment during her banishment period

fuck 20 years ago we figured out you can't you shouldn't even fucking develop photographs in huts you know what I mean like we set a fucking photograph hut you remember this yes okay so all you people that are that have never had have never had an actual photograph developed.

Oh my God. Because there's a lot of people who have not had a photograph. Eli Bostic right now is dying as you're talking. So there used to be these things called cameras. Okay. And you put inside Was it attached to your phone? No. You put in film inside of these cameras and there was little gnomes in there.

And when you clicked it, they would write, draw really quickly a picture on this film and the film, the little gnomes were sneaky. They made you pay for the pictures. They didn't just want to give them to you. And so you'd have to go to these photograph huts, literal huts in parking lots. I'm not kidding. I am not even kidding. You would, they were a drive up hut and you would hand them a film in a package. You would tell them what, what, uh, what speed the film was at.

So it was like one 10 or 35 millimeter. And then they would take that film and they would put it in a little envelope and they would drop it in an envelope bucket thing and it would go into a fucking hole somewhere where underground they must have had a huge print run. Don't even know where it went. But they took those pictures, they developed them, and a week later you would

be able to go back and see your photos because you couldn't see what you just took a picture of. It's impossible. It made it so much harder to post to Facebook. Yeah. I had to go to the... Like, oh, God, I want to put this picture

of me, my fucking dog up. I got to go to the photo hunt, get it developed, invent Facebook. Facebook was an album that you bored people at your house with. Was he pictures of my vacation? I'd actually rather kill myself. Absolutely not.

I would rather stop being friends with you. I'm going to go into the bathroom and pull my eyelids out. I've got something in my eye. No, you don't. I do now. I'm going to poke myself right in the eye. I've just touched my brain. Yeah, no, like these

huts, these little fucking huts that they're sticking people in. Look at that hut. That hut is disgusting. That hut is not fit for... I wouldn't put the snake that bit the girl in this hut. I know. It's so fucking sad. It's so sad.

I just, I can't... Here's the thing that I don't get. Everybody shits once or twice a day. Unless you're Eli, you shitits once or twice a day, unless you're Eli shit six or seven times a day. Cause you're dying. Why is that bad? I drink a lot of coffee, but somehow we poop every day.

Everybody does it. But women get a bloody nose in their crotch once a month that lasts for four weeks. My wife tells me, I don't know. Is that me. I don't know. Is that true? I don't know. But, sorry, I'm on my period.

She's batting you away like, no, it's heavy day. How can it always be a heavy day? You know, we poop. That's infinitely more disgusting than a period. Oh. Right?

Infinitely more disgusting. You know, you can't have a period with corn in it. You know what I mean? Or peanut shunts. You can't have a period with corn in it. Or peanut shunts. You know what I mean? If you do, it's like,

what the fuck is happening here? I gotta go. I gotta keep running. You just run and you never stop. Mr. Peanuts in the corner, he's like, you had an abortion? He's got his little monocle sort of tilted. You killed my baby.

Little Peanuts. Oh, my Peanuts. No, but it's infinitely grosser. Pooping is infinitely grosser. Somehow, in fucking 2017, we're still being like, oh, you bleed out your crotch. Go stay outside. What the fuck, man?

I don't know. Don't you poo? I can't understand. I genuinely don't understand it, man. Like there's been some shit that's come out of me. You've just been like, fuck, don't go in there. Actually, what you could do is just nail the door closed.

Never go in there. I am thinking shit. We need to buy a new house. That's it. That's not on us. We need to move out of state. That's what happened in Indiana. Tom used to live in Indiana.

This clip comes from episode 378, Family Mode, released on September 18th. Did you, by the way, did you see the story that has been circulating this past week about the dude who's like,

I was on TV or whatever, who's got like a super fancy sex doll, like a real doll and talks and stuff. And they can set it to family mode and it'll like, like give out like. It's into talks and stuff. And they can set it to family mode. And it'll give out trivial pursuit facts or something.

And he has it in his living room and his kids interact with it. It's like a whole thing with his children and his wife. I know. I know. It's that weird, dude. It's that weird.

Would they fill in the vagina? I know. What? I know. It's that weird, dude. What? It's that weird. What? And it's like, he's like, yeah. What, did they fill in the vagina? I, you can set it. With something. How do you set something that you bought to fuck its face to family mode? It's like, it's like taking your fleshlight out and putting a deck of cards. Or, or, deck of cards or using It's like a vase

for flowers. Honey, I brought you these flowers. You come home and the vibrator's a butter dish. That's not. Wait a minute. That's the vibrator. There's a pubic hair in the butter. The kids are misbehaving.

So you fucking put them in a spreader bar. They're just like, who's going to run away from me now, you little shit. At this point, you're just repurposing something. You know? But it's like a whole face-having thing. That's a thing.

Why would it even have a family mode just set it to? It looks really surprised. It's just... Your wife comes in, honey, your friend is so surprised all the time. Well, it's like, it's so funny because of the article,

the wife's like, yeah, I like it. Like she's, she's fun. She has like spice to the bedroom. It's like, how do you look over at your wife and be like, yeah, I'm going to fuck this doll for a while. I don't want to walk on anybody's kink, but that's like fucking a corpse.

It's like a 46 pound corpse. You got to drag around and you're like moving it around from place to place. It's like fucking weekend at Bernie's. It's just not fun. You just look over like old judge. You're like moving it around from place to place. It's like fucking weekend at Bernie's. It's just not fun. You just look over like old judgey like, you won't do butt stuff, but she will.

I don't know why you'd make that sound. Because you're Popeye. You're like, skip sky, skip sky, die, no. Who does that during butt stuff? She's like, ah, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go. That's why I keep

a can of spinach by the bed. It makes it bigger. You're never strong to the finish though. I always go to the end. It's like, I limp at the finish.

This clip comes from episode 381 queer disbelief recorded on october 9th it's anti-christian it's anti-family what it's anti-christian the motherfuckers pray in the end zone they fucking do the sign of the tiba jibis all the time the fuck these guys are constantly praying after games games, they all get together and they pray outside. That happens all the time. All these guys are Christian, man. They thank God for winning the game. Yeah, constantly. They pray before

the game. They pray at halftime. Get out of here with that shit. Come on. Anti-patriot, anti-constitutional. Oh my God, they have fucking jets that fly over the game before it starts. They have fucking patriotism shoved up their ass. Are you kidding me?

They have fucking flags. No shit, Tom. You probably never even seen this, but I mean, at regular games, they will have a flag, no shit that's as big as the field. Not even fucking kidding. And they will all hold it

and fucking wave the cocksucking thing. And the whole fucking stadium, the whole field, Tom, is a flag. It's a fucking flag. And stay on the word patriotism? Are you fucking crazy? I feel like the New England Patriots might take some umbrage with that comment. Yeah, I guess so. Because don't they win all the games?

Yeah, they've won a couple of years in a row. It's anti-patriots. The Patriots win. That's the whole narrative. Patriots came back and beat up on Atlanta last year. A mostly black city. Institutional anti-gun. Anti-American for sure.

They're vile. How could the NFL be anti-gun? Because you can't bring a gun into like last Boy Scout everybody. They dial. Most of these guys get busted with gun charges. So I don't think they're anti-gun because you can't bring a gun into like last Boy Scout everybody? They die. Most of these guys get busted with gun charges, so I don't think they're anti-gun either. Do they have a stance on guns?

It's the NFL. Why would they have any stance? It's like every time the official motorcycle of the octagon. I guess like the official AR-15 of the fourth down or whatever. Like it would be unnecessary roughness if you used it, right?

It'd be awesome if you had a t-shirt gun to shoot out real guns. Oh, fuck. I'm so kidding. You just get shot a little. Oh, fuck. Oh, I got one. We already have that one.

Throw it back. Give it to the kid next to you. Liberal agenda, their ads, their video games even contained their George Soros and ilk funded propaganda to promote the breakdown and the fracture of our already fragile country of upheaval. Are you fucking crazy?

Is he talking about Madden? Yeah, fucking George Soros bankrolled Madden. Look, I guess if all you're doing is sitting around all day playing video games instead of hanging out with your family, then okay, maybe. But I don't think that's exclusive to the fucking

NFL football gaming franchise, right? That's the playbook. These new NFL policies are... Oh, that and run the ball into the end zone. That's also in the playbook. Slant, seven-yard pass, no problem. They're straight out of the Pol Pot regime.

What? They're straight out of the Pol Pot regime? They sell nachos at the stadium. How's that fucking Pol Pot? Did he starve everybody? Is that what he did? He killed them? They like separated like the intellectuals. The NFL's fine.

You can give it all the intellectuals. The NFL is unaffected. I guess if you started separating people into concussions and no concussions, then that would be a problem. Again, the NFL is unaffected. They're all on the concussion side. In some stadiums, women can't even enter into the same entrance as men and children. That is not even remotely true.

Shut the fuck up. What are you talking about? They don't have gender-separated football stadiums. You just made that up. You watch too much Handmaid's Tale, you nuts. That's awesome. That'd be awesome.

I'm walking in with my wife with our tickets. Like, sorry, she's got to go around the building. Vaginas to the left. Vaginas to the left. Talk about your FEMA camp training. That's right.

You know what? The NFL is an extension of the TSA, the DHS, the globalist agenda, and FEMA. I love the FEMA conspiracy shit. Like, the federal emergency management.

And they're just like, that shit's evil. It's like, they're the guys who show up. It's like, you seem like you don't have any food. Here's the food. Need a house? Yeah. I see your house is not here anymore. You appear houseless.

You know, we heard all that fucking like FEMA re-education camp shit, like really kind of hit in earnest after Katrina when they had the trailers. And they're like, oh, you guys just want your free FEMA trailer. It's like, yeah, I would like a place to sleep that's not outside. That is better. Or underwater. Or destroyed by water damage. Yeah, there's nothing, there's no shame

in being like, I have a family and they would like to not be dead. They're real insistent on that subject. Oh, look at me, entitled fucker over here. But then they took that narrative and like, oh, they're giving these things away to like imprison the population. Well, they've done a terrible job of it.

A terrible job of using FEMA to do evil times. Yeah. Where are my FEMA camps? Where are they? Like literally, what is the address of a single FEMA camp? It's got to be in New Orleans somewhere. God.

And I've said it before and I'll say it again. That's right. Every NFL stadium. Do you know that it's a FEMA camp and hiding? Yeah. What does that mean? No, the people live under the stadium. It's like the people under the stairs.

I love that the idea that the stadium that holds 60,000 people is hiding anything. Yeah. That is the most in plain sight hiding ever, ever. It's like playing hide and go seek. You're like standing right next to the guy. I'm like, I'm right here. I'm right here. He's on like the fifth five yard line

and runs right into a trailer. Just falls backwards. All the people go away like these big doors. You're trapped in here with me now. That's right, folks. The American public is being conditioned to the fact that the state owns your bodies and your freedoms in addition.

In addition to what? Wait, you didn't make the first point to add one to it. I think the NFL is promoting various globalist agendas such as gun control. Well, they do have a globalist agendas such as gun control. Well, they do have a globalist agenda to play in London four times a year. So that's their globalist agenda.

Fuck, gun control? Because you can't shoot somebody in the stadium? They fucking start out the thing with one of those shit-kicking hillbillies who sings that Monday night song. Isn't that a Hank Williams guy? It's like a fuck something like that. I don't know, one of those hillbillies sings that. Doesn't Shania Twain sing it to or something. Oh, I don't. I haven't watched it since I lived with my dad.

Yeah. So it's like a hillbilly sing in the song. It's like Monday night. That's it. Like those people fucking probably their house. The Christmas tree is covered with guns. It's like a gingerbread gun. It's just a whole house.

Go to church and in the collection plate is guns. Think again. The NFL, I'm calling them the National Fertilizer League. What? Why? What's fertilizer? Why are we fertilizing? Big slam on fertilizer out of nowhere.

I like how she had to think of that on the fly. She's like, I'm calling the national fertilizer. It sounds like she's trying to get away with saying a bad word. Oh my God. Fucking awesome. Ammonium nitrate for everyone. What? I don't understand.

I mean the doo-doo kind of fertilizer. Oh my God. Or maybe I should call it the network of finance leaders. NFL, not freaking likely. I've said it before and I'll say it again. All those things are unrelated. Just think you can...

What's not freaking likely have to do with this? Wait, what you're saying is not freaking likely. So I guess we could go with that one. Finance leaders. Fucking finance leaders. I'm crying. Wait, what you're saying is not freaking lightly. So I guess we could go with that one. Finance leaders. Fucking finance leaders. I'm crying. I don't know what that means.

Most of these guys, they get a concussion. They forget who they are. They spend all their money before they leave. They're wandering around like, no, no. Fucking, hey, Bill, the door's over there. I spent all my money. I want another McLaren. I didn't have a job. I didn't graduate from college.

I had a free ride. My life sucks. I basically killed myself out here for your amusement. Are you not entertained? These people, their life is shit after they leave. All my joints are broken. Finance leaders. It's amazing.

That's right. The globalist agenda. I'm not kidding. The NFL has come to represent a whole new era of in-your-face tyranny. I talked to him. I don't know that there's a term. Is there any? What tyranny is it in your face, though?

I mean, like, is it the very fact that it's tyrannical? Isn't that... Isn't that sort of... Like, doesn't that sort of explain the in-your-face nature of it? I love that idea. In-your-face tyranny.

As opposed to that subtle nobody-not your face, tyranny. As opposed to that subtle nobody noticed it tyranny. Hey, is there anything tyrannical happening? Is there any insidious tyranny that's happening? Is there much rather have some in your face, tyranny? No, even cheesier tyranny. Is there something in your face, tyranny? It's like after the tyranny gets finished, it does a touchdown dance.

Oh, your face. The secret police roll up and just fucking chest slump you. Do something. Do something. Are you going to stop? He's like high-fiving his buddy. They spike their baton on the ground.

Oh, fuck. What about this in 2011 at Giant? Your face. You're in... This clip comes from episode 387. Turn that frown Upside Down, released on November 20th.

This story is from the Daily News. Male lions having sex in Kenya has censors roaring over crazy gay animals. So there's censors at the zoo or whatever? Like there's animal censors? I read that title, that headline. I'm like, really? There's sensors for everything. Not just like

what movies we're going to watch. Let's ask the sensor. What are the lions going to do? There's a guy with a cloth that holds it in front of them when they're banging. They're just doing it like they do on the Discovery channel. They're just nothing but mammals. That was bad.

This is basically a photograph of two dudes, lion dudes, lion dudes here to be getting it on. Yeah. My favorite part of this is I, you can't really listen to this, this audio because the people do really have very thick accents and it's kind of hard to understand.

But when you, when you listen to it, one of the guy, the guy who's getting asked the question, the person says, well, there's two male lions and they would look like they were having sex. And the guy's like, how do we know they're male?

And the woman says, well, it's common knowledge that any lion that has a mane is a male. Right. Well, maybe it's a cross dressing. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. They look like they're having some fun, though. Look at that one on the bottom. He's like, give me. Give me. I just I have like's like, gimme. Gimme.

Did he spit on it first? I mean, really? He's going to dry? He is. He's going to dry. I think that those little lipstick things come with their own lube. Oh, they self-lube? I want a self-lubing dip. That's an amazing dip. They would almost have to,

wouldn't they? I don't know. Because don't they like physically attack the female and like... I don't know, but isn't it because the female's in heat or whatever? So maybe she's just juicy as fuck the whole time. Like, just walking around. Damn, bitch, she's juicy. Damn,

you're juicy. I don't know. Maybe that's what being in heat is. They're just walking around fucking snail. Well, what's this guy giving off, if that's the case? Maybe he's not in heat. It's just damn hot out. That's all I'm saying.

I love, too, because the guy says says the guy again also says well maybe they saw a couple of gay guys and they learned it from the gay guys and I'm thinking to myself one do animals need to watch us fuck to know how to fuck

do they need that level of information and like if that's the case, then why haven't they started their own fire or stolen a car or, you know, I don't know, poached each other. If they learn from humans. Right, let's hunt us for sport.

They're never watching you. What gay couple is like walking around, they see two lions and they're like, this is the place to fuck. I want to fuck. Because I got to tell you, you are. It's just like when you hang yourself

and you jerk off, it's the threat of death. It makes you shoot your balls out of your cock. But the doom. That's what it is. That's what it is. Yeah, we might get eaten,

but get eaten. All right. Let's get it is. That's what it is. Yeah, we might get eaten, but get eaten. All right. Let's get your fucking... All right. This clip comes from episode 390. Say hello to my little friend. Released on December 11th. Hillary Clinton was going to legalize

bestiality and pedophilia. Bestiality. The very best of the realities. All right. So this is David Henry Jenkins or whatever his name is. Whatever. Robert David Steele. I was close.

Hollywood has been run by Zionists from day one. And the Zionists also ran The Matrix 1 and 2. I'll have you know. I almost forgot about that movie. You should forget about number two. I'll tell you what, number two. Three is just as bad, Tom. I know you don't believe it, but it is.

It is. It is. It just is. You don't make a fucking mech with no armor in the front. It's not all in the back. It's stupid. It's a fucking shooty thing that's coming at you. The second Matrix movie is the most worst movie. No. It's not all in the back. It's stupid. It's a fucking shooty thing that's coming at you. The second Matrix movie is the most worst movie. No, it's not. It is the worst movie of all time.

It's not, though. That third movie is worse than that. I would rather watch a two-hour Wendy's commercial. It's just somebody pouring a Frosty for two hours. It's just like, this is just just giant cup. And there's like,

where's the beef? I would watch two hours. I'd watch that porn hub. Dude drops his pants and she's like, where's the beef? She's in all the glory holes. Oh, I don't know that we can continue. Here we go.

Oh, okay. Wood was designed, inclusive of Walt Disney, was designed to destroy American values. That's fair. No, it's fair. That's fair. All right. There's a wonderful 15-minute tape

that summarizes all Shirley Temple movies as pedophilia code. Okay? Wait, why do you need a code to be a pedophile? Wait, is it like the Manchurian Candidate when you see it? You're just like, fuck, now I'm fucking turned on by little girls. All the pedophiles get together at some sort of convention or something? Yeah, well, what do you need a code for? If you're a pedophile and you like Shirley Temple, you're just going to jerk off to that, right? I don't need your permission, do I?

You know what the code is for? It's for Shirley Temple. Blink twice if the producer's raping you. You go back and you look at every Shirley Temple movie. It is essentially soft porn for pedophiles. It's the softest possible porn. And also, here's the thing. Pretty much any little kid is soft porn for pedophiles. Right. Right?

The fucking JCPenney catalog was soft porn for me. So, and not for kids because I was, I liked older women. I still do. I look at the mature section. Gills. Where's the beef? Let's move away from section. Gills. Where's the beef? Let's move away from this line of questioning. Where's the beef?

I like to think that that woman is shaming me. And there's a marvelous 15 minute video that's been done, which is at Phi Beta Iota, if you look up Shirley Temple, that extracts all of the critical code word points in Shirley Temple movies and makes it absolutely crystal clear that Shirley Temple was essentially the poster girl

for pedophiles for her entire career. They are essentially... There's just a Shirley Temple. She's just like dressed like that Rosie the worker or whatever. And all it says is you can do me on the bottom. Rosie the riveter or whatever. You order a Shirley

Temple. Tastes like vagina. It's weird. I'd like to order the code red. Oh, it's Shirley Temple. It's not a code red yet. Not yet. This is the worst

show we've ever done. You gotta let it age a few years. It's not even close. They have to tell her like, okay, you're going to be on the next pedophile promotional video. Anyway, congratulations. Okay, so you're an actor.

Look happy. Nobody's going to want to jerk off to you unless you're smiling. I mean, obvious. No, I actually look sad. They like that better. Here, I'll get some mascara. Is there any way you can look kidnapped

from a third world country? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Are you serious? Is there any way you can look kidnapped? What the fuck is wrong with you? you as in it a number of very specific occurrences which have been summarized in a wonderful 15-minute video this 15-minute video must be fucking amazing sounds like he wanked into it a lot though jesus christ how much you

get paid every time so just so you know it it's a 15 minute video. God damn. Who's going to watch 15 minutes of some dickhead jabbering on about code words in a fucking Shirley Temple movie? I look at an internet video that's more than three minutes long and I don't skip to the end. I'm like, do they have this in a compilation? No, I want the, I want the little person one in a compilation. Do you have that?

Montage. Yeah, it's playing the facts of life music in the background. This thing's slowly fading out. You take the good, you take the bad, you take it in the butt, and there you have it. Oh, guys. It's fucking late. God, it's fucking midnight, and we're both jealous. I haven't slept in like 14 weeks.

I haven't been sleeping. It's a gate now. A Walt Disney character. Millions and millions of views, and YouTube is not censoring these. YouTube is censoring me, and YouTube is not censoring these. YouTube is censoring me, but it's not censoring these. You sound mad, bro. When I say YouTube is censoring me, they're demonetizing me. They've also deleted

some of my videos, but they're now starting to realize that Bitshoot.com is cleaning them out. No. No. YouTube is just fine. What's it called again? Bitshoot.com. Bitshoot.com. Really. YouTube is just fine. What's it called again? Bitchute.com. Bitchute.com.

Oh, yeah. It's really hurting YouTube. Bitchute. Yeah, that fucking household name of Bitchute.com. Hey, man. Do you have the Bitchute app on your phone? I can't wait to go to the Bitchute party later. What?

Yeah, the Bitchute app, right? Just like searching the upshore. And I'm like, no, not Bitchute. And YouTube could be on the verge of self-destruction if it keeps going on this current path. Owned by Google, they'll be just fine forever.

They're fine forever. Fucking Google Plus is still around, everybody. Google Plus still exists. There's fucking three users to Google Plus. We're going to hear from all three of them on this show But there's three Google Plus users And it still exists Google can take a gurgillion dollars

Of those weird Google glasses Google ejaculates money On those fucking Google glasses Like a fucking Like a glasses fucking cum shot Just like There's fucking coins bouncing off them. They don't get bitcoins.

From the bit shoot. It's from the bit shoot. It's just come right out. Going back to Hollywood, we have senior founding Zionists in Hollywood saying our objective is to eliminate all American

values. That's what they're saying. That's what they're doing. The senior Zionists. They have their senior Zionist meeting. Like, hey, give me a bagel with a schmear. You come home from work and you're like so excited. Honey, honey,

great news. I made the cut. I'm now a senior Zionist. I got a new business card. I'm an executive vice president Zionist. I get to park a new business card. I'm an executive vice president. I get to park at a special spot. What does that mean? I got better stock options. I don't know.

I get to destroy. I get to pick one American value and destroy it. I get to destroy it. And then I get to add to my 401k. I think I'm going to pick baseball. And we have a senator who has exposed a memorandum from Loretta Lynch. Had Hillary Clinton become president, they were going to legalize bestiality and pedophilia. I don't think they're federally illegal.

I think they're illegal on a state level. Federally illegal? Like you get the feds kicking your door down. I'm just fucking a goat. What? What? I just got back from New Zealand. It's the thing they do down there.

FBI, put down the hamsters. Fuck you, pig. Come find them. Come find them in me. Say hello to my little friend. What is happening over there tonight? My little friend. Oh, God.

Oh, God. This is the worst show I've ever done. Oh, it. This is the worst show ever. Oh, it's so terrible. This clip comes from episode 391, Alexa, released on December 18th. Everywhere they're pushing sex bots and they're a giant new industry,

basically just fancy blow-up dolls that have like an alexa bot program hooked into the central network okay hang on a minute okay i have alexa don't you be trash talking alexa i love alexa she's why do they need an Alexa, though? Do you have to be like, Alexa, moan like a porn star. Which one? Ron Jeremy. Of the people that produce things. You're like, fuck it, the thing. You're like,

I'm going to update my to-do list. Alexa, order batteries. Alexa, we're out of petroleum jelly. Alexa, start a timer. And the tech companies just have basically a big rubber blow-up doll

sex bot that's in your house that has like a fleshlight, I guess is what they call them. You've got to guess what you call them. If you wanted a flashlight, you could go to adamandeve.com. They have a wide array of flashlights.

You could also get, I don't know that they sell sex bots or Alexa, but they certainly sell things you can fuck. They sell things you can be fucked with. They sell things that make the fucking process easier, fun, and more interesting. All you have to do is

go to adamandeve.com and or glory at checkout. You'll get 50% off any item, a free sex swing, which would make it more interesting, and free shipping. There you go. Glory at checkout, adamandeve.com. As a sex member, and they push it as trendy and brave

and cool. They're now brave. Brave. You fucking have flesh. I never felt more like a man. All the guys around you are just standing with their heart over their hand, over their heart. They're saluting with the other hand.

Fucking God bless America playing in the background. Brave. Brave. I love it. It's like you're going to call your buddies back. Dude, you wouldn't believe this shit. Did you run into a burning building? No, I couldn't convince a human woman to fuck me. Fuck my Roomba.

Oh my God, you're a hero. Did you pull people out of the burning wreckage of 9-11? No. No, I fucked a robot. I'm braver than that. Creating on the LGBTQ3CL4. They were showing... Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I'm making fun of designations of people. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You know what it is? It's clever. Doesn't everybody else hate the juice, too? Designations,

they show elementary kids in Canada, the U.S., and the U.K. Let's put that back on screen. You guys found some of those during the break. Because they're ever-expanding. They're now saying sex with machines or sex with cars or sex with appliances.

There's a whole big movement. Appliances. Jesus. You've got to be creative to get it with a toaster oven. Right. You know what I mean? You've got to have just the right amount of pressure on that door. You know what I mean?

You just don't want to let it slam. I feel like if you modified the immersion blender, you could have a go. I don't really know how. I just wanted to say that. Who would fuck a car? How would you go fuck a car? I don't know. How do you fuck like a kitchen aid?

There's an attachment for everything. Yeah, I got the ice cream attachment, the dough hook, and the fleshlight attachment. Here's the beat-off attachment. Oh, my God. I'm stuck in the pasta maker. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Call every emergency vehicle. You start a fucking car with that thing. Are you kidding me? Wait a minute. If you had to fucking apply it. If you had to fucking apply it. You had to fucking apply it.

I have to pick one appliance to fuck. It's easy. A whirlpool. It's always squirting I like the feedback that's amazing it's the refrigerator you get a snack when you're done

you shut the door you get a smash deli meat's gone off you don't want to fuck the can opener that's the one you want to stay away from that's no good toaster's out every time there's a few of them that are just not good yeah the greater that's not a good yeah for people there's just no way to do it you know what i mean like you're

just like like some of you might be able to get creative. There's a few you're just like, uh-uh. That's like fucking barbed wire. I'm not doing that. Where people are marrying their cars, marrying their toasters, marrying... We were just saying you can't do that. Nobody's done that ever. I love the people that marry their cars.

Who fucking officiates the wedding? The mechanic? What the fuck happens? Okay, and now car fuel sign here. Oh, you can't. Oh, it's not. That's weird. Huh. Oh, toaster.

Michael, I didn't say yes, Michael. I cannot. What are you doing, Michael? They're dogs. They're cats. They're horses. I'm not kidding. Yes, but you're making it up.

But you're lying. You're not kidding about it. You're just lying about it. And they're catching people in public places. You see it all the time. Like, I'm trying to have sex with a Ferrari or trying to have sex with a 57 Chevy. You say this all the time. I don't even see

Ferraris and 57 Chevys all the time, much less people fucking them. Ferrari. Motherfucker, you walk near a Ferrari that people fucking them. Ferrari. Motherfucker, you walk near a Ferrari that isn't yours. Right. And the alarm bells go off,

a fucking attack chopper comes out of the sky. Ferrari's come equipped with like seven guard dogs to live in the Ferrari. And like one guido. That's what I said, guard dogs.

And they actually, I'm not going to get into the details of what they do, but they lube up the tailpipe and everything. If you have to lube up the tailpipe, slow clap. Slow clap. Jesus, we were talking about penis size on

fucking, citation needed the girth on you to lube up a tailpipe. No wonder a woman won't fucking rip her too. Jesus, man. God, you got a timber down there. Fucking axe handle McGee. My God, you got to lube up

the tailpipe. I mean, fuck, I could bounce mine off the side. Fucking are you kidding me? She lube up the tailpipe. It would be I cannot imagine a situation where it would be hard to put in a tailpipe. I feel like I could invite two friends.

Are you kidding me? All right. Well, that's going to wrap it up for this episode of Toaster Shaken's 2017. We, of course, encourage everybody to rate us on iTunes, to share our episodes. If you had a particular favorite this year, maybe go back in the back catalog and share it. Maybe the Dan Savage episode is your favorite. Share that with some of your friends. We'd appreciate it, of course. And we're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed.

Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water downward spiral, brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cars psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms atlantis dolphins truthers birers, birthers, witches, wizards,

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